Happy Scribe Logo

Transcript

Proofread by 0 readers
Proofread
[00:00:00]

You're listening to Comedy Central now. The Oscars was amazing, no, January was my first time there, I am eternally grateful to anyone who made it happen. I was I was I was in heaven. I was like, this is genuinely insane. Like everyone tries to act fancy, but I see people tweeting all the time that nobody cares about the Oscars.

[00:00:23]

Who'll catch hell. I don't care about that. I don't care. And then it's like Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren. Oh, my God. Daniel Craig. I can I can I can try. Not cool.

[00:00:36]

They want men no matter who you are on the world, you watch movies, you know, I mean, like movies, they'll make you happy. Movies that'll make you sad. These people, you see them as part of your life. You've grown up with them. Then when you see them in person, it's it's a magical experience. It genuinely is like the event was amazing. And there's like all these after parties that come afterwards. And I didn't know about these things.

[00:00:56]

It was like there's the main event and then it's like the first off the party. And then they'll be like the next off the is like like it's called the Vanity Fair after party and it's super, super exclusive. And then you go there and so we get there.

[00:01:08]

And this is also what you see like levels of fame and stuff, which I really love because like we're all standing in line, everyone that has achieved something in some way, you know what I mean? Some standing. That's myself. It's Terry Crews. You know what I mean is it's like you standing in the line with people. People know that you don't mean Keegan Michael Key.

[00:01:25]

They he is. It's like, yeah, we've done stuff, you know, and then we're moving forward and then they stop us.

[00:01:30]

They're like, please move aside. Jennifer Lopez is coming through. And literally, we all like cha cha cha cha. And Jaylo walks in and she goes and she stands and this was the funniest thing, because it's all these photographers taking pictures, right? And they like taking pictures of us while we're standing there.

[00:01:51]

And then when Jaylo comes, it's almost like the photographers wish they could ontake our pictures like they wish they could be like, oh, I wish I hadn't wasted any battery on this.

[00:02:01]

Because she I mean, if you saw the pictures of she looked emaciated, like this glitter ball gown thing was like mirrors. It was reflecting. It was just like it's like so she's walking through and everyone is just like she looks stunning.

[00:02:15]

Everyone everyone just wanted a picture of her like no one.

[00:02:18]

We didn't exist anymore as people as as anything like even even my even my iPhone started deleting my own pictures.

[00:02:28]

By itself, it was just like, no, no, it makes space, take pictures of Jaylo was like, this is my family school family drama took pictures of Jaylo. So that was so that was a one off to party and then, in my opinion, probably the best of the party of the night is the Jay-Z Beyonce afterparty. Yeah. So they they throw and it's like the coolest thing ever.

[00:02:48]

No social media. There's no anything, just people having a great time. And it's like everyone's just having fun.

[00:02:54]

But again, it's a little it's a little weird because like you, if you're not used to it, there are moments when you go like this is surreal, right?

[00:03:01]

Because like, one moment I'm on the dance floor, I'm dancing. I'm like dancing. That's because the deejay Black Coffee was this South African deejay. Amazing. And then he's on. And so I'm dancing.

[00:03:09]

I'm like, yeah, South Africa and South Africans.

[00:03:13]

And then and then Usher comes onto the dance floor and he's like, let's dance.

[00:03:18]

And it's like, no, no, no, ushe, no. You're like a professional. No, like the rest of us. This I. And then Usher's like, move, move to the other one to the thing. Do it all. Yeah. And it's like, no, this should be like a professional dance floor and then a dance floor for the rest of us, just like the rest of us is like, like making our bodies move and just dancing.

[00:03:40]

It's like, what's next, karaoke with Beyonce? No, it's not fair. It's not fit. You you go dance over there.

[00:03:47]

And speaking of like Beyonce and Jean, like just sweetest, nicest people, you know, this was the weirdest moment of my night and maybe my life. I will see where I categorises was.

[00:03:57]

I'm on the dance floor. Everyone's having a good time. And then Beyonce starts walking in my direction. So I'm like, oh, I should move.

[00:04:05]

Right, because it's Beyonce. Where she is going is not to me.

[00:04:09]

So I'm like, I'm like, I must move. It's Beyonce. And I also do not want the beehive coming off to me because they're like, yo, you block Beyonce's pop. I don't want to be involved in this. So she like walks towards me. So I like turn to move out of the way. But it turns out she was coming to say hi. She says hi to everybody, like just like like a nice hi. You think she'd be like sitting in a box, like waving.

[00:04:31]

No, she's saying hi and she's really cool and she comes over to say it. But now I'm like moving away from her and she's like trying to like come in and hug me and say hi and I'm like, move. And then I realize I'm like I'm like I'm making Beyoncé do this weird move. And I'm like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

[00:04:50]

It was yeah it was. If it never happens again, it's fine. I'm done. The NAACP Image Awards were like super amazing this weekend.

[00:04:59]

Some of the most fun I've ever had. Jay-Z and Beyonce attended, which is always like a like any way they go.

[00:05:06]

It's like I've seen presidents that have less security than them, like literally like they arrived and it was like royalty.

[00:05:14]

And it's a room like full of like movie stars and TV actors and musicians and Jay-Z and Beyonce, they come and everyone's like and they go in like they sit in the front row and we like all behind them. And it was like looking over them.

[00:05:29]

And you can see and like everyone in the back is almost like breathing the same everything, breathing the same air was this was honestly maybe one of my favorite moments in life that I will I will cherish until I die.

[00:05:42]

So at the end of the awards. So Jay-Z was the recipient of the president's award for all the work that he's done with criminal justice reform. Right. He's done an amazing job fighting to reform, you know, mass incarceration in America.

[00:05:54]

And Beyonce is up for the final award of the night, which is entertainer of the year. So she she might go up and then receive her award. And so, like, there's going to be a whole thing, like when she goes to she's going to leave, is just going to stay. So she wins. Right. She'll be on stage. She wins. So she goes up and she receives the award and then she leaves backstage.

[00:06:12]

But Jay-Z sitting in the front row and his security, I guess, didn't realize that the show was going to end as abruptly as it did.

[00:06:19]

Right. And so, like, his bodyguards are like standing at the edge of the theater where we at and we're in the middle of the theater. And then Anthony Anderson comes out.

[00:06:26]

It's like, all right, good night, everybody. That's a show. Goodbye. And that was it. So everyone just stands up and everyone's like they just bum rush the stage and then everyone just rushes to Jay-Z because they, like everyone rushes towards him.

[00:06:39]

Now, I'm trying to get out because if you've ever left and you don't know when you leave an event, there's going to be chaos. There's going to be doesn't matter. The celebrity, not traffic is traffic.

[00:06:46]

All right. So I'm like, I want to leave. So I see Jay-Z and now Jay-Z is getting mobbed. And so, like like he wants to push his way out and the bodyguards want to push they it. But like, you jam because everyone's leaving that way. And Jay-Z can't push the people because he Jay-Z. Right.

[00:06:59]

You can't push people when you have a billion dollars like it's everything. Is a lawsuit waiting to happen. You can't. So he just has to keep his arms by his side. So I run up to him and then I'm like Jay and he turns and he's eyes light up. He's like, Oh, Trevor, what's up? And I was like, oh, he remembers me, thank God. And so. Because like we're friends, I just know him, so I'm like, oh, yes, it's me.

[00:07:18]

And I was like, I'm like, are you OK? He's like, my buddy. And then I was like, All right, just walk. And he's like, What? I'm like, just walk. And I don't even know why.

[00:07:24]

I grabbed the back of his jacket and I push him through the crowd and I put my head down behind him and people are trying to come. And I just started going. I was like, we got to move people. We got to move people, we got to move people. And yo j we got to keep moving. We got to keep moving. Sorry about no selfies. We got to keep moving. Yo, we got to keep moving.

[00:07:43]

And people like Jay-Z yourself. Yo yo I'm like, no, no selfies people. How about we actually lose our Jay. We've got to keep moving Jay. We got to keep and I literally push him through the crowd and we like barreled through and we get to the other side and the bodyguards are there and then they start like clearing the sides and then I'm clearing the back. People are trying to come from the back and I'm like, no, we keep moving, no stopping.

[00:08:00]

And no one sees me because why would you think that I'm pushing Jay Z? So no one is like, is that Trevor Noah behind? You know? So I'm just like there behind. We've got to move Jersey. We've got to move. Jay Sorry, man. No selfies. We got to move. We got to move. Got to get him out of here because the guy's going to get moves is pushing and then the security guys are the most amazing thing.

[00:08:15]

They walking together. And I guess they were too. What was supposed to be ahead of him once was behind him. But there's a moment where they look at each other like, wait, if you hear.

[00:08:28]

And something like the one like there's a panic and the one turns and then he sees that I'm like pushing Jazy and this guy just he came up, he was going to break me. It was like slow motion.

[00:08:41]

He turned and I'm like, drew reforms raw. And he comes. And then as he grabbed Jas, he's like, no, he's doing a great job, man. Let's go. And the bodyguard goes. And then I just carried on rolling with Jazy, just like pushing him, walking ahead. And I was like, no, no, no, no pictures. No, no. And I was like I was like jazy security the whole way through.

[00:09:02]

And then we went into like a secret exit where they leave out of like this is like I feel like they built a basement for them because that's not how I came in. We came in on the street and then I was like, oh, and we just keep moving. Just keep moving. Then he jumped in the car and then he turns like, that was amazing.

[00:09:17]

Maybe we got to do it again sometime. Maybe that was amazing. And I was like, yes, I'm the security. I made it. Bill Gates was hosting his goalkeeper's event in New York, and so he invited me to come and speak and they're doing some amazing things, not just the organization, who the people they're supporting. And I get to the events and I speak for like ten minutes and I get off stage and I'm like waving at the crowd and I'm walking backwards off the stage, moving to the backstage area.

[00:09:47]

And then I crash into like a person. And as I crash into them, I see the eyes of people looking at me and everyone's like, oh, shit, what have you done?

[00:09:54]

You know what I mean? And I'm like, calm down. Humans bomb humans all the time. And I turn. And the person I bumped into was Barack Obama, right?

[00:10:03]

Yeah. But like physically like when I say bump, I mean like bump, like, you know. And so I turn and then he's like, whoa. But his hands up. And then he's like, oh, watch where you go. And then yeah. He says what. He said, watch where you walk. And so I turn and then I was like, Hey man, I'm walking over here and you should have seen everyone's face. They were like, oh shit.

[00:10:28]

Because I think they thought I didn't recognize him. I didn't know who he was. You can see people like that's the president of the United States of America. And I was like, yo, man, calm down. And so I was like, hey, how are you, Mr. President? I haven't seen you in a while. And he's like, I'm doing good. I mean, you're good. I'm like, yeah, I'm good. I'm like, I'm looking at his face.

[00:10:44]

And I didn't intend this, but I'm looking into his eyes and I'm speaking to him. And in that moment, I really like he's looking really, really good. Like his skin is looking full. Do you know what I mean? No, he just he doesn't look as stressed as he was. And so it slipped. I didn't plan it at all. So I'm speaking to him. He's like, oh, how are you doing? And then he says that.

[00:11:01]

And then I was like, I was like, You look cute, Mr. President.

[00:11:08]

And he goes it goes well, thank you, thank you. And I was like, No, no, I meant I meant like, you look good. When is my mom going to be on the show? Here's the thing with my mom, two things. One, she has no interest in television or any of these things that I do. She just loves the fact that I can pay the rent and she loves me for who I am. She genuinely does not care for all of these things.

[00:11:36]

And I'll give an example. This is how this is how not interested in it. My mom is right. My mom to two and a half years ago, I met Lionel Richie for the first time. And growing up, Lionel Richie was the soundtrack to me and my mom's lives. Right. So like Sunday morning, she'd be playing Sunday morning. The two of us would be there, will be dancing together, play all of Lionel Richie song, will be singing them in the house together.

[00:11:58]

And then I meet Lionel Richie. So I'm like, this is amazing. Lionel Richie, my mom and I wish to dance to your music when I was a kid, would kind of take a picture. I want to send it to my mom. I don't my mom doesn't care about any celebrity. So I'm like, this is the one time mom's going to be like, wow, you met Lionel Richie. So I took the picture and I sent it to my mom and then emailed.

[00:12:12]

It was like, Mom, look, what do you think? And then she replied, she's like, Wow, you're getting fat.

[00:12:19]

I was like, OK, but OK, let's move over that, first of all, the camera adds 20 pounds, but let's talk about the other person in the picture, Lionel Richie. And this was like, oh, yes. Oh, that's nice. I was like, oh, OK. Oh, wow, OK, that that was the thing she like, she just genuinely and then like four or five days ago, I guess she was on the Internet, which she doesn't regularly do.

[00:12:44]

She goes emails and then she's done. And she was on the Internet. And then my brother was going through pictures of me or something. And then she was like, hey, I saw a picture of you and Lionel Richie.

[00:12:52]

When did that happen? I was like, it happened when I sent you the picture two and a half years ago, and then she was like, which makes like, oh, the picture with your A. Then I'm like, my.

[00:13:15]

The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers Edition wants The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.