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[00:00:00]

You're listening to Comedy Central now. Hey, everybody, what's going on? Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show. I'm Trevor Noah. It is Thursday, August twenty seventh. And here's your quarantine tip of the day. Now that movie theaters are starting to open up again, you've got to stay safe. So please make sure to get the extra large popcorn, the extra large candy and the extra large drink covid can get you if diabetes kills you first.

[00:00:28]

Anyway, on tonight's show, Hurricane Laura is canceling statues. The NBA canceled itself. And for the first time in his life, Mike Pence was the most interesting part of the night. So let's do this, people. Welcome to the Daily Social Distancing Show. Counts in New York City. Take your account somewhere in the world. The daily social distancing show presents. The Republican National Convention celebrating February's record. OK, I'm going to be honest, people, last night was not the most interesting convention night, actually, I'm going to be super honest.

[00:01:08]

It was extremely boring. And that's only because the other nights have been so rock and roll. I mean, on night one, Kimberly Guilfoyle attempted to summon the cracking. On night two, Donald Trump had a ceremony with immigrants that wasn't a marriage. But last night's the most exciting thing to happen was a speech by Mike Pence, a man so boring that during his midlife crisis, he bought a minivan. Hey, ladies, you want to come on in?

[00:01:34]

I'm going to Costco and Pottawatomie. Pence's speech interesting was how he's able to hide so much bullshit underneath the veneer of a respectable small town pastor. In fact, he actually made me appreciate Trump because Trump says bullshit in a bullshit way. That's always easy to spot like this.

[00:01:54]

You mention the Bible. You've been talking about how it's your favorite book. And you said, I think last night in Iowa, some people are surprised that you say that. I'm wondering what one or two of your most favorite Bible verses are. I wouldn't want to get into it, because to me, that's very personal. You know, when I talk about the Bible, it's very personal. So I don't want to get into. I don't want to get into.

[00:02:13]

It means a lot to you that you think about or say the Bible means a lot to me. But I don't want to get into specifics given to cite a verse, you know, like I don't want to do that. I an Old Testament guy or New Testament probably equal C obvious bullshit.

[00:02:28]

We all know that man has never read the Bible. Now, granted, he's never read any book, but he specifically never read the Bible, which is your favorite.

[00:02:35]

But with Mike Pence, if you're not paying attention, he comes across as a reasonable guy. You know, it's the same way I didn't trust anything that the Tiger King said. But when Duckmanton spoke, he almost made me believe that he wasn't running a wild animal sex cult.

[00:02:52]

Just seemed like everyone was just doing their thing. And last night was Mike Pence at his finest cool, calm and full of B.S., starting with the way he talked about the civil unrest happening in America's cities last week.

[00:03:07]

Joe Biden didn't say one word about the violence and chaos engulfing cities across this country. President Trump and I know that the men and women that put on the uniform of law enforcement are the best of us.

[00:03:24]

Every day when they walk out the door, they consider our lives more important than their own. People like Dave Patrick Underwood, an officer in the Department of Homeland Security's Federal Protective Service. He was shot and killed during the riots in Oakland, California, Dave's heroism is emblematic of the heroes that serve in blue every day.

[00:03:56]

First off, Pense says that an officer was killed during the riots in Oakland, which gives you the impression that the officer was killed by rioters. All right. The truth is, the person charged with killing Officer Underwood is a right wing terrorist. You know, it's sort of like saying that Bruce Lee died during the Vietnam War. Yeah, technically that's correct, because he died in nineteen seventy three. But it's not while he was fighting the Viet Cong.

[00:04:21]

You've got to tell the truth, people. Bruce Lee was killed by the Illuminati.

[00:04:27]

When Penn says that Joe Biden didn't say one word about the violence during the convention, he's giving you the impression that Biden supports the riots when in fact, Biden condemned them a few months ago when they started and he continued condemning them again yesterday when they kicked off in Kenosha.

[00:04:43]

And that's what makes Mike Pence so slick. He doesn't lie. He doesn't lie. He just implies. But that's fine, I guess, you know, there's no commandment that says thou shalt not suggest false witness against thy neighbor.

[00:04:57]

So according to Mike Pence, America under President Trump is falling into anarchy, but you'll never guess whose fault it actually is.

[00:05:07]

Joe Biden says that America is systemically racist and that law enforcement in America has, and I quote, an implicit bias against minorities.

[00:05:24]

Joe Biden would double down on the very policies that are leading to violence in America's cities. The hard truth is. You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America. That's right, you see all the bad stuff that's happening in Trump's America. Well, that's actually Joe Biden's America. So, wait, when is it Trump's America when things are going well? And as for the idea that you won't be safe when Joe Biden is president, people, I'm not safe now.

[00:05:58]

Forget the riots. Coronaviruses waiting to punch me in the lungs as soon as I leave the house. You won't be safe in the future. I can't even go to a Denny's right now.

[00:06:07]

So Mike Pence talking about riots and protests wasn't exactly on the up and up, but it was nothing compared to his bullshit about Trump's handling of the coronavirus pandemic, which to hear him tell it was more perfect than Trump's call with Ukraine before the first case of the coronavirus spread within the United States.

[00:06:27]

The president took unprecedented action and suspended all travel from China, the second largest economy in the world. Now that action saved untold American lives. And I can tell you firsthand, it bought us invaluable time to launch the greatest national mobilization since World War Two. President Trump marshaled the full resources of our federal government. From the outset, he directed us to forge a seamless partnership with governors across America in both political parties. Today, we're conducting more than 800000 tests a day, and we have coordinated the delivery of billions of pieces of personal protective equipment for our amazing doctors, nurses and health care workers.

[00:07:20]

OK, I'm not going to lie, I'm actually kind of impressed by how much cow excrement Pence managed to pack in here because, yes, America is doing eight hundred thousand tests a day. Now, what Pence doesn't mention is the many months where America did basically no testing and the Trump himself wants that to be less testing. Pence brags about coordinating the delivery of PPE. What he doesn't mention is that America was so disorganized on PPE that nurses were wrapping themselves up in garbage bags, running around looking like some kind of broke ass.

[00:07:50]

Missy Elliot's I mean, it's great that you bought invaluable time to launch a national mobilization, but what would have been even better was if you actually used that invaluable time to actually do the national mobilization. Oh, and as for the seemless partnership with America's governors, I assume Pence is referring to when Trump told Democratic governors that they would only get help if they were nice to him.

[00:08:14]

I mean, I guess that's a seamless partnership. The same way when a guy walks into the bank and tells someone to put the money in the bag, they put the money in the bag. Hashtag teamwork. Now, to be fair, Mike Pence did admit that America hasn't completely sold coronavirus, but then he got mad that Joe Biden said finishing the job would take actual work.

[00:08:35]

Now, last week, Joe Biden said that no miracle is coming. Well, Joe doesn't seem to understand is that America is a nation of miracles. And I'm proud to report that we're on track to have the world's first safe, effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of this year.

[00:09:05]

Wow, what a miracle. We might be getting the vaccine at some point. And only two hundred thousand people had to die first. Take that Joe Biden like. I don't think it still qualifies as a miracle if it happens long after we needed the miracle. God, putting the Red Sea wouldn't have been quite as miraculous if it happened eight months after the Egyptians stabbed the Israelites to death. So that was Mike Pence's speech. And I guess we finally found out why Pence always has the permanent squint.

[00:09:36]

Yeah, his own face is going. Are we really saying this bullshit?

[00:09:39]

But in these pence managed to finish his address by turning all that BBB's into one amazing, new, terrible campaign slogan.

[00:09:47]

We will re-elect our president and principled Republican leaders across the land. And with President Donald Trump in the White House for four more years and with God's help, we will make America great again. Again. Damn, I didn't think they could come up with something worse than make America great again, but they did it because Magga was an ambiguous call to a bygone era that never really existed. This new slogan just sounds like someone got hit in the head with a bag of hammers because of what's implied with Make America Great Again.

[00:10:25]

Again is that at some point during your presidency, you know, it almost makes me think that this whole slogan was a mistake. Mr. President, we need to think of a brand new slogan. How about Make America great again? Again. My God, Mike, you're a genius.

[00:10:43]

Honestly, I wouldn't trust anyone who uses the phrase again. Again, like if my plumber said he needed to fix my toilet again, again, I would find a new plumber and a new toilet, probably a Japanese one. I mean, a Japanese toilet, not a Japanese plumber. Not that I wouldn't hire a Japanese plumber. I like I don't care what race my plumber is. It can be any race. I'm just saying the toilet. I don't want you to think that.

[00:11:07]

You know what I mean. Let me stop that joke again. Again. All right. That was three of the RNC right back.

[00:11:14]

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[00:12:16]

They'll get you and your family protected and hopefully give you one less thing to worry about. Try it today. Welcome back to the Daily Social Distancing Show, we're covering the Republican convention all week long, but as you've probably noticed, there's also plenty of other stuff going on right now, too. So let's take a look at all the non convention stories in our ongoing wrap up.

[00:12:43]

Since the police shooting of Jacob Lake in Kenosha, Wisconsin, we've seen a new surge in the activism surrounding racial justice. And last night, the protests moved from the streets to the bubble.

[00:12:54]

Mass protests by pro athletes taking a major stance demanding justice over the police shooting of Jacob Blake. The Milwaukee Bucks sparked a basketball boycott and a chain reaction throughout the sports world.

[00:13:08]

Overnight, the NBA paused the playoffs. This empty court speaking volumes as the Milwaukee Bucks players refused to take the court against the Orlando Magic last night just before tipoff despite the overwhelming plea for change.

[00:13:22]

There has been no action. So our focus today cannot be on the books. Spoke by phone with some of Wisconsin's elected officials, and afterwards they released a collective statement calling for change. They want the police officers involved in the shooting held accountable. And they're also calling on the Wisconsin state legislature to address police brutality and social justice reform.

[00:13:44]

That's right. In an unprecedented move, the NBA had to postpone its playoff games after the players went on strike, which don't get a twist. It is a really big deal. The shit is so radical it makes Colin Kaepernick look moderate. I've been right now somewhere out there is an old racist guy like I miss the good old days when they would take a knee, but at least they show up for work and massive props to these athletes for using their platform to bring attention to what's happening in the streets.

[00:14:13]

Because when you think about it, sports doesn't stop for anything. So when sports does shut down, people take notice, like you guys remember that time aliens landed on Earth? Yeah, of course you don't remember because it was the playoffs. I'm also glad that this movement was started by the players and not by the league because, you know, the league would have just put out a That's Duncan racism poster and called it a day. And a lot of people were impressed that NBA players were willing to come together to make a stand like this, although predictably there were some people who didn't see it that way after November 3rd.

[00:14:49]

If they don't like the election, if Donald Trump wins, are they going to boycott the next game? Is football going to follow? Are we going to play sports by what's in the news?

[00:14:57]

Every day they're going to get fans and it will never come back like myself. So they're saying now NBA players are very fortunate that they have the financial position where they're able to take a night off from work without having to to have the consequences to themselves financially.

[00:15:12]

I think that it's nice that they're standing up for the issue, but I'd like to see them start moving into concrete solutions that are productive are OK, guys, I'm a little confused.

[00:15:22]

NBA players supposed to just shut up and dribble or literally fix racism all by themselves. Either way, it feels like America relies way too much on the athletes to do everything they're supposed to play basketball, fix racism, sell cereal and date all the Kardashians. And I like how, Jared, just try to insinuate that NBA players shouldn't complain because they're well paid. First of all, Jared, they're rich because they're the best at what they do. OK, why are you rich?

[00:15:48]

What are you the best at other than looking like a Victorian ghost? And also rich people shouldn't complain. Your boss is a rich guy who does nothing but complain. Get the fuck out of here, man. It's always interesting how Republicans choose which rich people get to complain about politics, because if you're liberal with money, they say that you need to shut up and just be grateful for what you have. But if you a conservative with money, then they're like, well, you're the one person who should complain because you know more than these broke ass bitches.

[00:16:15]

And as for Mr, are we going to play sports by what's in the news every day? Yeah, why not. I mean, we already do that with the weather. We can have a rain delay. We sure as hell can have a police brutality delay. Let's move on now to the other ongoing crisis coronavirus, the biggest fashion influence of twenty, twenty four months. Now, the CDC has been saying that the key to getting the pandemic under control is testing, testing and more testing.

[00:16:41]

And then yesterday, something changed after months of telling Americans that if they're exposed to someone with the coronavirus that they should get tested. The CDC is now saying there's no need in most cases if you have no symptoms. And The New York Times is reporting that the change was ordered from the top down by the president, who believes that bad numbers are meant to hurt his reelection campaign and has said over and over that more tests drive up the numbers of covid-19 cases.

[00:17:09]

The nation's top infectious disease, Dr. Anthony Fauci says this was done without him. He was under anesthesia and surgery when this was approved.

[00:17:19]

This is the shadiest thing I have ever seen. President Trump is apparently sabotaging America's coronavirus response because he doesn't like the look of high case numbers, this guy's special.

[00:17:32]

Because clearly, he doesn't care if a problem is solved, he only cares if it has the appearance of being solved. I wouldn't be shocked if all the fire extinguishers in these buildings are just painted on.

[00:17:43]

We need to get what the who who do this, who would do this?

[00:17:49]

And if that wasn't bad enough, they waited until Dr. Foushee was having surgery before they did this. Guys, come on, man. I can't believe that Trump went behind Falsies back while the man was in the hospital. That's like cheating on your wife while she's pregnant, which Trump also did. So never mind. I guess I can believe it, although now it finally makes sense why Trump kept offering to buy Foushee a boob job. I think you should consider it, Anthony.

[00:18:17]

A lot of people will pay more attention to you. In fact, just thinking about I'm paying more attention to you right now. So big, but this is why, my friends, from now on, we cannot afford to have Foushee unconscious for any reason, no surgery, no sleep, no watching Mike Pence give a speech, nothing that knocks you out. At the very least, if she is incapacitated, we need like a mini vice foushee who can take over at any time.

[00:18:42]

And finally, while America is still dealing with coronavirus racism and economic depression, it wouldn't be 20 20 if we couldn't squeeze in at least one more catastrophe.

[00:18:52]

This morning, Hurricane Laura making landfall. The storm slamming the Gulf Coast is Lake Charles, Louisiana, right in the bull's eye.

[00:19:01]

More than a hundred thousand already without power as a coastline is battered by powerful wind gusts and sheets of rain.

[00:19:08]

You can see the winds shredding, the skyscraper buildings falling apart. Watch as this RV was flipped onto its side as the storm moves in.

[00:19:18]

Power lines just littering the streets and igniting power surges leading to this massive fire, this reporter in Texas almost hit by a falling power line, a river.

[00:19:30]

Oh, that's not good.

[00:19:33]

Rain is getting hard and it legitimately feels like rock. I mean, your faith, it's in your skin. Anything that you have exposed. It really hurts.

[00:19:46]

OK, this was a Confederate monuments that the city voted not to take down. But as you can see, Hurricane Laura has ripped it to the ground.

[00:19:55]

Tell him this was insane. The Gulf Coast was hit by one of the biggest hurricanes in years. And I'm honestly glad that it started dissipating quickly. But I'm also glad that it knocked down that Confederate statue on the way out, because Republicans don't believe in climate change, but they do believe in council culture. So if weather is tearing down their statues, maybe now they'll finally do something to stop it. It's time to cut down carbon emissions because I'm sick of these crazy storms telling Americans we should wait.

[00:20:25]

So props to Hurricane Laura for ripping down that statue. Although, you know, next week Hurricane Karen is going to roll in and call the cops on her for doing it. All right. It's time for a quick break.

[00:20:34]

But when we come back, Yabuki Young White tries to swallow the red pill.

[00:20:39]

Don't miss it. Welcome back to the daily social distancing show. As the Republican National Convention comes to a close, the GOP's campaign theme is clear. America is doing great except for the parts that aren't Trump's fault. And at this point, you either believe that message or you don't. But what if you want to believe what the Republicans are telling you? Well, our very own Yabuki Young White spoke to one GOP delegates to try to figure out how he can go full Magga.

[00:21:13]

After four nights of watching the Republican National Convention, I'd honestly prefer to go live in whatever alternate timeline there. We've built our world peace in the Middle East.

[00:21:22]

You have the ability to choose your life and determine your destiny.

[00:21:28]

I mean, who doesn't want that? So I sat down with 19 year old RNC delegate Michael Albrecht to see what it takes to buy into this Republican dream world.

[00:21:37]

Your magnitude. Where are your wraparound Oakley sunglasses and the testicles hanging off the back of your truck? Are you even allowed to be a Republican and wear transparent frames?

[00:21:48]

I know there's a lot of stereotypes, especially within the Republican Party, of what a Republican looks like. I definitely don't fit that mold. How did you get into this? Were you rebelling against Democratic parents or was there someone you, like pointed a gun at you? I don't know what's going on outside of the fray, so blink twice if you need help.

[00:22:06]

So let you bleed. Oh, my God. Are you OK? We could end the zoom, right? Like gator grass.

[00:22:12]

Is he in the room or she or they know I'm all by myself.

[00:22:16]

Actually, that sounds like something that a kidnapped person would say.

[00:22:20]

If he wasn't being coerced, then why Zema Donald Trump? Are you not conflicted that you're a teen and he wants to ban ticktock?

[00:22:27]

Well, I do like Trump, obviously. Right. Prior to the coronavirus, pandemic, economy was doing great and unemployment was down and all that good stuff. The major thing keeping him from winning election this November would be his tweets. Love Trump if you're watching this. I'm a big supporter, but know I'm slightly Melb. Sometimes he's watching me.

[00:22:51]

He likes Trump except for his tweet. That's like liking everything about Kanye but his music. So what was it that drew Michael to the Republican Party in 2017?

[00:23:02]

The Evergreen State College had this event a day without white people.

[00:23:06]

And so the school sponsored this event in which no white people could go to school for a day and a professor named Black and that he didn't want to follow by that rules because it was discrimination on the basis of race. Sorry, sorry.

[00:23:20]

Hold on. Hold on a moment. He got a paid day off work and said no.

[00:23:26]

Yeah, I guess he put his values before money, unfortunately.

[00:23:31]

But then isn't that antithetical to being a Republican?

[00:23:35]

I think nothing is more damaging than painting a broad stroke over a group of people and saying they don't care about life in terms of like school shootings. You don't care about them like children's lives, you don't care about a voter suppression, or it could just be a variety of issues. And it's way more complicated than that.

[00:23:57]

No, of course, you care about kids lives. You just also care about gun manufacturers having to meet their quarterly earnings. Like it's a balance of two things.

[00:24:06]

If you want to go shooting with me, you're free to I'm a bad no, but a look within your rights. I never said I was anti-gun. I'm OK.

[00:24:17]

I'm definitely not going to go shooting with this guy. And the more we talked, I realized we just have no common ground.

[00:24:23]

I'm celebrating my one month and six day anniversary with my boyfriend. Hi, Brian.

[00:24:28]

Oh, my God, that's awesome.

[00:24:31]

I didn't know that you had a boyfriend that changes everything. If this guy can be gay and or Republican, maybe I could be, too. I just need to really watch the convention with an open mind.

[00:24:43]

Did you know abortion even had a smell?

[00:24:46]

OK, never mind. Thanks for that, Yabuki well, that's our show for tonight. But before we go, there are less than three months until the elections and America is facing a nationwide poll worker shortage.

[00:25:00]

Now, that's because most poll workers are over 60 and coronaviruses still out there. So understandably, they are not showing up. But remember, fewer poll workers means fewer polling stations are open, and it means that there's going to be fewer lines that not everybody can afford to stay and waiting, especially in poorer communities. The good news is most people working as paid. And in some states you can be as young as 16 to do it. So if you're interested and you have the time, this is your chance to save your granny, protect democracy and get paid to until tomorrow.

[00:25:30]

Stay safe out there, wear a mask. And remember, you've got to solve racism by yourself. The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers edition once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.