You're listening to Comedy Central now. Did you know that America is finally getting its first black president? Well, the Washington football team, formerly known as the Washington Redskins, announcing its new team president. He will be the league's first black president. Jason Wright will lead the team's business ventures and operations and working with former Panthers head coach Ron Rivera on building the team on the field. Owner of the team says his experience as a former player and his push for inclusion will set new standards for that organization.
That's right. Washington has hired the first black president in NFL history, which is fantastic.
But if they follow the same pattern as America, the team's next president is going to kick all the Mexicans off the team and inject all the players with hydroxyl chloroquine. I will say, though, it really sucks to be a black person in America right now, because even if you do get offered a job, the first thing you have to think is how bad these white people for them to need to hire me. And best of luck to Jason. Right.
And I mean, best of luck, because football is the only sport right now that's trying to play with fans in the stands and with no bubble during covid. So if the league shuts down, you know, people are going to try to blame him. I'm just saying the league never shut down before when there was a white team president. It can't be a coincidence. Moving on to some news about climate change, it should be no surprise that 20 20 is on course to be the hottest year on record.
I mean, basically, every year now is hotter than the year before. It's in the same way every Hemsworth brother is hotter than the one before.
Is that right?
Was the other way around over the weekend, the temperature hit a different record. And this one is really going to make you sweat.
One part of the country is taking heat and it could be a record. Death Valley National Park, which is split between California and Nevada, recorded a high temperature of one hundred and thirty degrees yesterday. It needs to be verified, but if it is, it will be the hottest temperature recorded on Earth since 1913. The previous record was also recorded in Death Valley.
God damn. A hundred and thirty degrees C. This is when I like that Americans use Fahrenheit because in the rest of the world people use Celsius. But a scorching fifty four isn't the same, doesn't have the same ring to it. One hundred and thirty degrees. Fifty four.
And Death Valley is a great name for a place that's one hundred and thirty degrees.
It is a terrible name in terms of real estate development. Who would name that. What they need to do is call a devil, you know, build a couple of condos and some coffee shops.
Boom, like hipsters will be there by the end of the month.
This is just one more sign that we are all in a climate crisis, people.
But while most of the world wants to slow climate change, the Trump administration looks at record temperatures and they say, let's try and beat. It's some breaking news this morning.
The Trump administration finalized plans to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling rights. The move will allow leasing on the one point six million acre coastal plain and marks a muscle fueled development in an area that has been untouched for three decades, untouched for three decades.
For a second, I thought they were talking about Mike Pence. And maybe.
But that's right. With just a few months left in his term, Trump is about to let oil and gas companies go nuts in a pristine wildlife refuge.
It's almost like he knows he's not getting the security deposit back on the country. So he might as well just see how much of it he can wreck on the way out. I mean, this might be the first time Trump has destroyed the property value of a place without putting his name on it first.
With all the focus on the presidential race, it is easy to forget that a lot of the energy that drives political parties comes from down ballot races.
And by that measure, a brand new nominee for a congressional race in Florida tells you a lot about the direction of the GOP.
The very latest election results from the live desk right now. A far right candidate won the Republican primary for the district that represents Mar a Lago.
Laura Loomer was banned from Uber and Lyft after refusing to ride with a Muslim driver. And she handcuffed herself to Twitter's headquarters after being banned from the site for referring to Congresswoman Ellen Omar as being pro Sharia law. This is somebody who has called herself a proud Islamophobic and president Donald Trump actually tweeted, congratulating Laura Loomer. You're seeing it right there saying, great going, Laura. You have a great chance against a Pelosi puppet.
You know, one thing that never changes is if you do something awful, Trump will congratulate you. You could save a kid from an active volcano and Trump will congratulate the volcano. That volcano is so big, so beautiful, so much magma. Maybe even hotter than my daughter. I don't know, you told me some people are saying I don't know. Think about it. Looma is so bad that she has been banned from. And this is real.
Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Uber, Lyft, PayPal, Venmo, go fund me medium CPAC and Shakespeare in the park like I'm sorry. How do you get banned from Shakespeare in the park. I mean, sure I did, but that's only because I didn't know I wasn't allowed to ad lib to be or to do something else.
You know, it's a tough question. I'm going to have to think about that one. And also, this person was banned from PayPal guys. That's is like 90 percent Nigerian scammers. And even they were like, this user does not reflect our values of cheating the elderly out of their savings by pretending to be grandchildren who need bail money. It is not who we are.
It is crazy to think that this person could one day be in Congress and she's not even allowed on most apps. Can you imagine not being able to use Instagram, Facebook or Twitter? Actually sounds kind of nice. Should I be racist?
Mosquitoes, a.k.a. bedbugs with sky miles. For decades, people have been trying to eradicate the disease carrying insects, and now Florida thinks it's found the thing that can take mosquitoes down once and for all.
750 million genetically engineered mosquitoes have been approved for release in the Florida Keys.
The experiment is designed to test if a genetically modified mosquito is a viable alternative to spraying insecticides to control the species of mosquito that carries several deadly diseases like Zika, dengue, chikungunya and yellow fever. The mosquito has been altered to produce female offspring that die well before hatching and spread diseases.
Yes, scientists in Florida are releasing seven hundred and fifty million genetically engineered mosquitoes designed to gradually kill off all mosquitoes. And in any other year, I would be excited by this news. But in twenty twenty, why would you take the chance they're going to let those mosquitoes loose? And then in a couple of weeks, the scientists are going to come out like so there's good news and bad news. And I also don't think they should be doing this experiment in Florida just by the way, because if something goes wrong and people start acting crazy, how would we know the mosquitoes bit?
That guy is trying to have sex with an alligator. What he was doing that last week. Oh, OK. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we shouldn't try mosquitoes because I hate them. I hate mosquitoes. I hate getting bitten by them, getting irritated by them. But the one thing I will miss when they fly next to you at night, because I always felt like I was getting a private El Green concert.
And so anyway, congratulations on this groundbreaking genetic experiment with nature and preemptive congratulations to Al Smith and his dog for getting to inherit the Earth in a few months. But let's move on from one bloodsucking parasites to another. Steve Bennett, Donald Trump's former chief strategist and guy selling fake tickets outside the Billy Joel concert. Bannon left the White House in twenty seventeen, but he has remained popular in Maryland. And one thing he's used that popularity for is raising money to help Trump build his beautiful, perfect border wall.
Well, at least that's what he said the money was for. But it turns out maybe not.
Breaking news this hour. The former chief strategist to the president has been arrested. Federal prosecutors in the southern district of New York have indicted Steve Bannon for what they say is his role in defrauding hundreds of thousands of Americans in connection with an online crowdfunding campaign known as the We Build the Wall.
The allegation essentially is that Steve Bannon marketed this scheme, this build the wall scheme, collected donations from hundreds of thousands of donors under the false pretense that this money is going to go to build a southern border wall. Instead, what Steve Bannon and the other defendants allegedly did was pocket that money, use it to pay for lavish lifestyles than it apparently was arrested while on a one hundred and fifty foot yacht off the coast of Westbrook, Connecticut.
He was arrested by investigators with the US Attorney's Office for the Central District of New York and also with investigators with the US Postal Inspection Service. That's the arm of the Postal Service that conducts financial investigations.
I can't believe this. Another Trump guy has been arrested after the Aryan Brotherhood and Latin Kings, the largest prison gang in America, might be the former Trump campaign officials and everything about the stories and seeing.
First of all, Bannon was arrested on a one hundred and fifty foot yacht.
And I know everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but I mean, let's be real. Anyone arrested on a yacht, I mean, you're guilty. Also, they said Bannon was arrested by investigators from the post office. I don't know if it's just me, but I didn't even know the post office had police. Were those guys when my neighbor took my Amazon package.
I can hear you using the vacuum. That's vacuum.
But the best part of the story is why Bannon was arrested. Right.
He's accused of stealing money from people who thought they were donating to build Donald Trump's wall because, you know, you wouldn't want any criminals sneaking into the country. And I'm honestly curious to see how this plays out, because the people who got ripped off now hate Steve Bannon.
Right. But they obviously really love Donald Trump. But Trump loves Steve Bannon. So I feel like this whole thing is going to end with Trump getting those people to donate for Bannon's defense fund. But then Trump steals the money and moves to Mexico, which he can get to easily because there's no wall.
In other news, for all those people who are worried that the baseball season wouldn't be as exciting this year without the fans shouting offensive things, well, good news. The announcers are picking up the slack.
A baseball broadcaster is removed mid game for using a homophobic slur. Cincinnati Reds announcer Tom Brennaman was in the top of the seventh inning when his hot mike picked up this anti-gay slur. Take a listen.
Fag capital of the world.
Brennaman coming back from a commercial break, seemingly unaware he was on the air, started plugging a Redds pregame show.
The pregame show presented by Ray St. Clair, ruining the play by play announcer, later apologizing.
I made a comment earlier tonight that I guess I went out over the year that I am deeply ashamed of pausing made apology to call a home run.
I pride myself and think of myself as a a man of faith as there is a drive in a deep left field by Constantinos that will be a home run. And so that'll make it a four nothing ball game. I don't know if I would be putting on this headset again. Damn. OK, first of all, who stops in the middle of an apology to call a home run man? An apology is like an orgasm. If you interrupted, the whole thing is ruined.
And this Brennaman guy is right. He may never be putting on that headset ever again. And I don't know what else he's going to do. I mean, they aren't exactly a lot of jobs out there where people just explain things that are currently happening. I mean, maybe he could work in couples counseling.
He's withholding affection from her. He's not letting her in and she's out of there.
But I guess this means that there's a baseball announcer job opening. And I would like to throw my hat in the ring.
In fact, I'm going to give you a few days out. He's safe. Whoa, Nellie, it's out of there. Oh, no. There's a lion on the field. Somebody stop it. Oh, no. The lion is coming right up the announcer box. I told my wife I love her. I hope you'll consider my application.
Russia, it's like if a frown was a country for years, only one prominent politician has had the courage or stupidity to stand up to the autocratic ruler, Vladimir Putin. But for Putin, that was apparently one too many.
Doctors in Germany say a critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin was likely poisoned. Remember, doctors in Siberia had blamed Alexian of all these illness on a drop in blood sugar and evol. He was flown to Berlin for a treatment this weekend. The Russian dissident is in an induced coma.
His supporters believe that somebody poisoned his tea before he got on a flight in Russia. Over the past several years, other Kremlin critics have been involved in apparent poisoning or suffer mysterious deaths.
That's right. Russia's most prominent dissident was poisoned at the airports. And that means it was either Vladimir Putin or he ate the food at LaGuardia. Either way, we need a full investigation. No, I mean, come on, let's be real. It was most probably Vladimir Putin. I mean, the man uses so much poison, I wouldn't be shocked if we find him at the Poison Island. Costco, should I buy twenty four or thirty six?
You always end up using it. That's what makes it even more ridiculous that the Russian doctors didn't diagnose this as a poisoning. Although maybe that's how they teach it in Russian medical school. Doctor, this political dissident drink tea and then he collapsed. Yes, looks like he is a very common case of the Sleepy's. It happens to people who don't keep their mouths shut. I've got to say, it must be terrifying to live in a country where the leaders stay in power by trying to poison opposition candidates so much more to be in a country where they can just do it by shutting down the post office.
But democracy in America isn't defeated just yet because yesterday Democrats in Congress called the postmaster general, Louie Dejoy, to get answers out of him about what the hell is going on with the US Postmaster General Lewis Dejoy, appearing on Capitol Hill yesterday to defend recent changes to the US Postal Service ahead of the November election.
Hearing before the House Oversight Committee was at times combative. In an exchange with Congressman Katie Porter of California, Dejoy acknowledged a lack of familiarity with some basic aspects of the Postal Service.
You don't know the cost to mail a postcard. I don't know what it looks like.
One of those greeting cards, it's a square envelope. Then what is the postage?
I submit that I know very little about a postage stamp within a million or so.
Can you tell me how many people voted by mail in the last presidential election?
No, I cannot go to the nearest 10 million.
I don't know, Mr. Jackson would be guessing and I don't want to guess. I'm glad you know the price of a stamp, but I'm concerned about your understanding of this agency.
God damn it, guys like the worst person to bring to a trivia night. OK, the next question is, what do you call the box that you put mail in?
Oh, my God. Thank God we've got the postmaster general on our team. What do you think, Joy?
OK, I know this one. They're blue. Oh, I'm taking all of them away.
I should know this, but in a way. This is kind of refreshing to watch, I mean, we're so used to seeing guys in power mansplaining and going, well, actually it's refreshing to see a man who's just like, look, lady, you tell me I don't know shit. But let's move on to Jerry Falwell Jr., presidents of America's foremost evangelical university. And we're, Wolf, that quick transformation. Falwell has been a fixture of the Christian conservative movement for 15 years since following his famous father into the family business.
But now all of a sudden, he's not.
All right. Breaking overnight, influential evangelical leader Jerry Falwell Jr. is indeed out as president of Liberty University. After a tumultuous day where his fate lurched back and forth, Falwell was put on indefinite leave two weeks ago after he posted a photo on social media showing him and a woman both with their pants unbuttoned.
Questions about Jerry Falwell. Jr.'s leadership at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, come after John Carlo Granda claimed in an interview with Reuters that he had a years long sexual relationship involving Falwell's wife and the evangelical leader. Grandis said he was 20 when he met the Falwell's while working as a pool attendant at a Miami Beach hotel in March of 2012. Grandis said their relationship continued until twenty eighteen and involved him having sex with Becky Falwell while Jerry Falwell looked on.
OK, look, let's start off with this. What consensual adults do in their sex life is up to them. And I don't judge anybody for anything. You do whatever tickles your exposed fly. But Falwell has made it his business to judge what everyone else is doing with their sex lives. He speaks out against gay relationships. And until just five years ago, students at his university weren't allowed to do anything beyond holding hands or even watch R rated movies.
Meanwhile, he's apparently letting this pool boy check his wife's chlorination levels. Honestly, sometimes I think guys like this are reading a different Bible to the rest of us because the Bible I read says to love thy neighbor and judge, not lest you be judged first, but this guy's Bible is like these guys are gross. But here's something you can do that superhot. And look, I've said it before, nothing is more dangerous to a relationship than a sexy pool boy.
That is why I only use one of those pool cleaning robots. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still try to smash that thing, but it's not interested. The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers edition once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more.
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