You're listening to Comedy Central now. Kamala Harris, vice presidential candidate and woman Joe Biden is going to call homegirl in less than three weeks after it was announced that she would be Biden's running mate, many people were celebrating the historic milestone of having a black and South Asian woman on a major party ticket, although, as you might expect, President Trump had a slightly different take.
Reaction was quick at the White House, where President Trump used his daily coronavirus briefing to bash Biden's choice.
She was extraordinarily nasty to cabinet. A Judge Kavanaugh then now justice cabinet. I thought she was the meanest, the the most horrible, most disrespectful of anybody in the U.S. Senate.
Despite claiming he wanted Biden to pick Harris, President Trump says he surprised Biden actually did.
After that heated primary debate, she was probably nastier than even Pocahontas to Joe Biden. She was very disrespectful to Joe Biden. She said things during the debates, during the Democratic primary debates that were horrible about sleepy Joe. And I would think that he wouldn't have picked.
Yeah, she was so horrible to sleep, Joe. And that loser deserves so much more respect than that.
I guess Trump attacking or defending Joe Biden. I can't tell you how I thought this election would be Trump versus Joe Biden. Now, I think we could just lock Trump in a room and let him hash it out by himself. What did he say to me? Me heard me. I mean, of all people, Donald Trump should totally understand how you can be with a woman who's publicly humiliated you. He also shouldn't be surprised that past enemies can become your friends.
I mean, look who he's been working with, Ted Cruz, who called him a pathological liar and a narcissist. Lindsey Graham, who said he was a bigot and a nut job, who was destroying the Republican Party. Marco Rubio, who called him a con artist and said he had a small dick, and, of course, Jared Kushner, who selfishly married the love of Trump's life. That's right, man. We are never going to forget.
If anything, Kamala Harris on the ticket with Joe Biden is a genius move by the former VP, because not only does she take a bunch of boxes, but Kimie, conservatives are going to struggle to put her in one.
Joe Biden is running on the most radical platform of any candidate from any major party in US history now with the most radical running mate ever.
She doesn't really have core beliefs. Her record as attorney general is absolutely abysmal by fighting to keep inmates locked up in overcrowded prisons. As a prosecutor in San Francisco, oh, San Francisco, she allowed while scores of violent criminals to walk free. Did you know that Kamala Harris has a higher rating from the police association in twenty nineteen than from the ACLU?
She is soft on crime. She is no friend of the police. Harris clearly wasn't picked for her personal charge.
She's very telegenic. I get that. The media will say she's very hip.
I think that the pic was somewhat surprising.
I think it was kind of a boring pick. I think everybody was expecting Biden to pick Kamala.
Oh, man. Poor Republicans. This so confused commentators like their version of that green needle brainstorm meme. Honestly, it's kind of cute watching Republicans flail around trying to figure out the right talking points. You know, it's like when a little of puppies is born, they haven't opened their eyes yet.
And look, they better figure this shit out soon or else their attack ads are going to be really unconvincing.
Joe Biden has picked Kamala Harris, but who is Kamala Harris?
She hates the police, except for the times that she loves the police.
She's also soft on drug crime, but is too tough on drug crime.
Sometimes she's black, but also Indian. Is that even allowed?
Kamala Harris? We haven't decided why she's bad yet, but we already paid for this ad.
I'm Donald Trump and I'm confused by this message. Well, the presidential election right around the corner, the big question is no longer will Donald Trump try to cheat. It's now become how will Donald Trump try to cheat? And with more Americans than ever expected to vote by mail due to coronavirus, it looks like he's zeroing in on his plan.
President Trump is stepping up his effort to discredit mail in voting as vulnerable to fraud, ramping up attacks on Twitter and on television.
I think mailing voting is is going to rig the election. I really do. They want to steal an election. That's all this is all about. They want to steal the election.
There is no way you can go through a mail in vote without massive cheating.
Democrats are pushing to expand mail and voting and change existing voting laws to make it easier for people to cast ballots at home because of the coronavirus. The president wants his political allies to fight back against that, and they have now pledged 20 million dollars for that effort for real.
Only Donald Trump is weird enough to have beef with the male every day, he's less and less like a president and more like a neighbor in a sitcom.
God damn you, Meryl, man. I mean, this guy is spending 20 million dollars to sue mail in voting. Normally, when Trump spends that much money suing you, it's because you've seen him naked. I know what you saw last. I mean, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell them about this thing that I get. So even though the president and almost everyone in his administration votes by mail, clearly he thinks that letting everybody else do it would be bad for his re-election.
And because lawsuits alone won't stop mail in voting, the other part of Trump's plan is to just stop the mail.
Tonight, a backlog of undelivered mail is piling up in post offices around the country, and workers are blaming the new postmaster general. A top Republican campaign donor who has given more than one point one million dollars to the Trump Victory Fund. Lewis Dejoy force cost cutting measures leading to undelivered mail piling up in post offices across the country. And CBS News confirmed this internal Postal Service directive that outlines an operational pivot, saying extra troops to deliver mail are no longer authorized and that we may see mail left behind or mail in the work room floor or docks, which is not typical.
The service insists it's not intending to slow down any delivery or risk any election mail. But the stakes are high for the USPS to follow through on its promise of On-Time Delivery. 32 states currently will not count ballots that arrive after Election Day, even if postmarked earlier.
Wow. Even if you mail your ballot in on time. Thirty two states won't count them if the post office gets them in late. And that doesn't sound like an election. That sounds like what happened to me in high school. Yeah, I gave my friend a love letter to pass to my crush, but then he decided to skip third period instead. So she never got my letter. So she went to prom with another guy and then they ended up getting married and having a kid.
So that should have been my kid. And that's what I told the cops. But they made me give the kid back anyways. And that's why you got to defund the police. So, look, if Trump and his cronies are trying to sabotage the post office, there's only one solution. And I hate to say it, folks, but we have to let Bed, Bath and Beyond run mail in voting because no matter how much I try to stop them, I keep getting those coupons in the mail.
I don't need all of this. I need all this milk. I don't need to know that there's thirty five percent of shower curtains. Oh, shit.
It was expired anyway, so Trump has been on a crusade against mail in ballots, and then he installed a close political ally who just happened to start slowing down the mail, which means that come November, a lot of votes that are supposed to make it by Election Day might not. It also means that in the meantime, all the other mail is getting delayed and it's having a huge effect on people's lives.
In some parts of the country, customers are waiting weeks for their mail. These neighbors in Chicago's Dunning neighborhood want consistent U.S. Postal Service mail delivery. Susan Carter says when mail is delivered, it comes late and sometimes it's not theirs. I just think the system fell apart and I don't think they care about us. All that stuff that's important to you that nobody else should get, maybe go into somebody else's house.
In Baltimore, people waited two hours in hopes of getting their mail that never showed up.
Many are getting bills and paychecks on time, putting a strain on their homes and businesses to five.
Everything. Only thing I didn't survive was the mail.
As a veteran myself, I get medication through the mail. I rely on them and not to have it when I need it. That's a travesty to a veteran.
Yeah, you see, a lot of people think that mail is just a waste of paper credit cause that they're not going to sign up for an ads for shit that they're not going to buy. But for many, many people, that's how they get their medicine. It's how they communicate with family members in prison. And for many areas of the country, especially rural areas, the post office is the only way they can receive mail. So the mail might mean nothing to you, but it means everything to some people.
Think of it like a wohlsen volleyball. It might not mean anything to you, but when Tom Hanks got trapped on that island, it was his everything.
Do you think he was that volleyball?
No. So, look, it's becoming clear as day that unless Trump changes his mind on the post office, just like every other Trump business, it could be doomed. So maybe to save themselves, the Postal Service should do what every foreign dictator does, flatter the shit out of Trump.
Are you a Trump supporter who needs to mail your electricity bill or an angry letter to CNN? Then you're in luck introducing the new President Trump commemorative stamps specifically designed by the US Postal Service. In a desperate attempt to earn his approval, each stamp commemorates one of our president's great achievements, like the time President Trump defeated the son in a staring contest over the night that President Trump personally killed Osama bin Laden. And true collectors will cherish the stamp featuring President Trump's stunning cameo in the pop video.
And if you order now, you'll also receive a booklet of Mike Pence stamps that you can piece next to Trump so he can forever gaze adoringly at the greatest president of our lifetime. Mike Pence. Stands have no value to the order. Now, these stamps will only run until November 3rd or maybe 2024. We'll see what happens. Support for this podcast comes from B.M. Should these uncertain times alter your approach to managing Treasury cash? What for strategies can help optimize returns?
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Tuesday was a big day for the 20 20 presidential campaign. It's the day that Mike Pence got a brand new tattoo, but also Joe Biden announced Kamala Harris as his running mate. And yesterday, Kamala wasted no time getting into the fights.
Harris also signaled she'll do what vice presidential running mates usually do, aggressively attack the other side.
The case against Donald Trump and Mike Pence is open and shut his refusal to get testing up and running, his flip flopping on social distancing and wearing masks, his delusional belief that he knows better than the experts. All of that is reason and the reason that an American dies of covid-19 every 80 seconds.
Damn, that was brutal. And, you know, it probably ruined Trump's day.
Why is Omarosa being so nasty to me and why she wears a bun? What happened?
But just as Comilla immediately went on the attack, conservative media immediately started taking their own shots at her.
I wouldn't trust Kamala Harris. I think she's very ambitious. She's a very mean person. Nobody likes to have a sort of a mad woman. I call her because she was so angry and so much hatred with Justice Cavanaugh. I mean, I've never seen anything like it.
She seems to come across as a bit abrasive, as the president mentioned.
I know if she can warm things up and be a little more charming, I would describe her as a congresswoman, cacio, corkage, but smarter. And without the bartending experience, she might look like the full package.
But when it comes to people judging, especially women, I think they feel this.
And I will say, yeah, you know what? Fox News has a really good point here. Americans always want their leaders to be warm. I mean, that's why Trump won do so warm. He sweats his makeup off. And I really don't get the criticism that Comilla is too ambitious. I mean, how do you get on a presidential ticket if you're not ambitious? What, you're going to be sitting at home on the couch and the DNC is going to come knocking on the door like, sir, put down that joint, we need you in the White House.
But the big question is, why is it that when female candidates run for office, the media starts to bring up tropes and stereotypes that they don't bring up female candidates? Well, to help us figure that out, we're joined by our very own Dulci Sloan to say, first off, thank you for taking the time to join us today, taking the time to ask Garrone what else was I using my time for before you thought I was organizing my closet in alphabetical order.
Louses, cardigans, dresses you're getting. Wait, what?
Who organizes the closet by alphabet? Shouldn't you do it by color?
OK, it clearly is still suffering from apartheid thinking Trevor. But I'm free.
OK, well either way, say I appreciate you because I'm trying to figure out the media's coverage of Kamala Harris. Like what do you make of it?
Same bullshit as always. Dreaver female candidates get covered less like politicians and more like Miss Universe contestants. How does she smile that you look good in a dress?
Well, Steve Harvey, you get her name right, but why do you think the media has this double standard in politics?
Politics, Negroes double standard is everywhere. Have you not been paying attention to this White House policy controversy?
Oh, you mean like why Kylie Jenner was in the video? No. Anybody talking about that goofy ass girl is still a man. No, I'm not talking about the stuff. I'm talking about what people are talking about. The song Cardi B and making these Dalyan have given us the sex positive, solid summer, celebrating women owning their sexuality. Nothing men have been doing since Adam ate that apple in the Garden of Eden and got his first boner to say, I don't remember that part in the Bible.
The point is male musicians talk about sex all the time, talking about their hard dicks. It's getting everywhere, but women do it. People are like, this is vulgar, inappropriate. What about the children that look up to them? Who cares about them? Damn children. Khateeb and made the stallion and not. I know it's confusing. You see two women of color in a really nice house and you assume Aiden and McKenzie are just offspring with their Mandarin tutor.
But it's a huge double standard.
Trever OK, do say. But to play devil's advocate, you have to admit it's a really graphic song.
Tremper on being a repressed patriarchal society, what people consider a woman's pleasure. Rafie Men don't have the sense of that pleasure. Drake and Bruno Mars. The thing about it was getting hard, but they still get invited to Thanksgiving dinner. But if Cardi B doesn't see that, who's taking down society?
Well, you know, there is another thing. I mean, there's something about rap. That as soon as some white people hear it, it sounds graphic just because it's red, like I could be like it's really cool to stay in school and then some white people would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, sir. So there's always a chance that the problem wasn't the message as much as the fact that it's hip hop. OK, first of all, don't ever do that again.
That was offensive for a whole different reason.
No, no, I was just trying to show, like, when you say something with the flow, how it goes now, whatever it was.
OK, the point is, we don't live in a society that's comfortable with women claiming their sexuality. It doesn't matter if it's rap or country. I bet if it was a country music star to sing the same lyrics, all these men would still be upset. I don't know.
I don't know about that. Dulci like, I feel like now you're turning it into, like, a hypothetical argument or what people's reaction would be if a country music star sang the song like we don't know now, you don't know what I called my girl.
Margo Price is a Grammy nominated country star to help me prove my point. Come on, Margo, take it away. Look, Anita, Part D. You can read tweets. Not to go to speak to Kinkella, but openly, nobody gets. That's where. See a baby just like spreaded. Got a big now on China, where there is now a double dose of. I want to go out again. I want Joe I want you to tell us a little more swings in the back of the row.
This fight is going to be coming out soggy, but the thing, of course, is money on his mind. Johnson. Investigators say they bring me a bucket in my face with. Give me everything you've got. Give me everything you've got. Give me everything, everything, everything you've got. Well, let's put. Let's see how they like that one, Dorsay, dare to say that was. That was actually amazing, I mean, it's still graphic, but that was amazing.
How did you get Mogel Price to do that? You don't know me, do you think? I spent all day sitting at home organizing my closets. I'm doing things baby. Which reminds me, I got to find something that starts with G. Let's begin with another important story about race in America now, this is a story all about how one young man's life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute. Just sit right there.
I'll tell you about how this man became the prince of a town called Bel Air. Now, if you're seeing a traffic, come on. That's a sitcom. No, it's deadly serious.
And the Fresh Prince of Bel Air is getting a dramatic makeover. You're going to have to live with your uncle and aunt.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, Will Smith is teaming up with Morgan Cooper to create a new show based on Cooper's viral YouTube trailer he created last year that reimagining the nineteen nineties comedy as a modern day drama. Smith is on board to produce and Cooper will write and direct three this.
OK, I'm going to be honest, I don't know how to feel about this because, yes, the trailer looks amazing, but that's just the trailer. I'm worried there's a lot of other moments from the original show that might not work in a drama. I don't care what you say. There was no way to make Carleton's dancing dramatic. And I know this because we've tried.
You see, plus, I would argue that the original fresh prince already had a lot of drama. I mean, Caulton had a pregnancy scare. Jeffrey almost got deported, and overnight they switched duck skin on for light skin or that she was traumatic as hell. But look, I get it.
Hollywood is experiencing a lot of success with dramatic, gritty reboots, you know, joka Riverdale. So Fresh Prince makes sense. In fact, I'm not going to complain. I'm going to cash in on this. I'm pitching my own dramatic reboot of SpongeBob Square Pants.
Do you know why I live in a pineapple under the sea wall? SpongeBob, because of mango, killed my father.
Let's move on now from the world of fiction to a story you'll wish wasn't real. Congress is about to get even crazier in Georgia.
Far right. GOP candidate Marjorie Taylor Green has won her primary. She has ties with Q8 on an online conspiracy theory group that the FBI labeled a potential domestic terrorism threat.
The businesswoman's come under fire for making racist, anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim comments.
He's also listed on the Southern Poverty Law Center as hate watch. He's been endorsed by a man with ties to local white supremacists, and she's a believer. And if you went on conspiracy theory that centers on a person who opposes Kuis claims, have inside knowledge of the president quietly leading a revolution against the deep state and everyone's going to be put in jail. That's right.
A Kuhnen conspiracy theorist is about to become a member of Congress. And if you're wondering what's kuhnen, well, it's a movement that believes that Hollywood and the Democratic Party are actually a secret worldwide child sex trafficking ring, whose members harvest the blood of children for its life extending properties, and that the only person protecting the world from this evil is Donald Trump. So let me get this straight. On the one hand, the Democratic Party is so smart and powerful that they can run a secret shadow organization, but they're also stupid enough to be outsmarted by Donald Trump.
Also, Donald Trump was Biff's with Jeffrey Epstein, a.k.a. the White Kelly. So how the hell is he going to protect something that he's a part of? I mean, that's like Khateeb trying to protect the world from people who make good sounds. And another dumb thing about this conspiracy. Why would any sane adults think that drinking children's blood could have the power to make you younger guys? Everyone knows you can only get younger by drinking the blood of Paul Rudd.
Rudd blood the secret to having an adult baby face forever. Red blood.
Before we go, I wanted to remind you that there are a lot of groups out there right now who are working to protect and advance voting rights for the elections in November. Now, one of these organisations is the Alliance for Youth Organizing, which is a national network of local youth led organisations mobilizing to get people to vote. Now, if you can help them and you'd like to join in their cause, then please visit the link below and donate whatever you can.
The Daily Show with Criminal airs edition once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.