Transcribe your podcast

You're listening to Comedy Central now. Well, hello, everybody, welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show, I'm Trevor Noah. Today is Wednesday, the twenty second of July. And as you can see, although some people are back in the office, I'm still filming the show from my apartment because there's a giant Corona that's just hanging out at my desk and I don't think I can breathe it in. But you know what? Better safe than sorry. Anyway, on tonight's episode we talk to Jim Carrey about writing a novel and some good news for a change.


Donald Trump is pretending to take coronavirus seriously again. So let's do this.


Welcome to the daily social distancing show from Trevor's couch in New York City to your couch somewhere in the world. This is the Daily Social Decency Show with terminal illness.


All right, people, let's kick it off with some baseball news. That's right. Baseball, America's pastime and the sport. Michael Jordan cheated on basketball with the coronavirus pandemic shut down the major league season before it could even start. But now teams are ready to get underway covid style as Major League Baseball gets ready to resume play.


It turns out they're going to be using crowd noise from a video game. The sounds will come from the game. MLB, the show. The league is hoping that the crowd noises combined with stadium announcers and all the walk up music that'll make it sound like the stadiums are actually full. Yes.


While it's still too dangerous to fill a baseball stadium with a real crowd, the MLB is at least going to fill it with the sounds of people watching baseball. And I think we actually have a clip of what that sounds like.


Oh, oh, oh.


Now, even though fans sounds will be piped into the stadiums, the actual fans will still be watching baseball at home. So for fans who want to recreate the stadium experience at home, there's a lot of things you can do to make you feel like you actually had a game. First of all, make sure to watch the TV from really far away so you have no idea what's happening. Then grab a beer from your fridge and rip up a 20 dollar bill and finally cover your bathroom in another man's urine.


Now, that's baseball. I do like this idea, though. In fact, I think we should apply this to other areas of our new coronavirus lives, you know, like a lot of us eating out at restaurants. So why don't just pipe in some restaurant sounds while you're eating dinner at home?


Hi there. I just wanted to see if you're enjoying the food. Well, actually, you just gave me the food, so I haven't actually tasted it yet. No problem. I'll come back in 10 seconds and ask you to. Could you just come back like after have eaten a bunch of it, OK? It's perfect. I'll come back at the most inconvenient moments, but then when you need the check, ultimately disappear forever. Sounds good.


In other news, we're slowly learning that coronavirus has also affected two things in America that are even more popular than baseball. Disney World and stuffing your face.


Forget munching on those milky pretzels while strolling through Disney World in Orlando. Eating or drinking while walking has been banned to ensure that people are wearing masks while moving around the park. Now, in order to eat or drink, people have to be stationary and six feet away from other guests. The only other time that guests are allowed to have their masks off is at special relaxation stations that are set up around the parks.


OK, so basically what happened here was Disney World said for safety, you need to wear a mask unless you're eating. And so everyone at the park was like, no problem. I'm just always eating. So Disney decided it had to close that loophole. And to me, that's some bullshit. I mean, they're taking away one of the main draws of Disney World, which is walking around eating junk food all day. I mean, that is as crucial to the Disney experience as meeting Mickey or going on rides or wishing you never had kids.


Not to mention if you're walking while eating, then you're distracted by everything else going on. You know, if you have to sit while you eat, gives you all the time to reflect on what you're actually eating. And that's a reality no one should have to face.


Also, how is Disney going to tell us about our food hygiene when The Little Mermaid is literally over here brushing their hair with a fork? I mean, the woman collects trash. Is nobody going to talk about this? She's collecting trash. But still, this rule is happening and we all have to get used to it. I just hope that at least they still let me take my smoothie on the roller coasters. But let's move on, because while the United States is putting restrictions on people at theme parks and banning them from stadiums, Germany is now so far ahead with the coronavirus that they're actually throwing a giant concert just to see what happens.


In Germany, scientists are planning a mammoth covid-19 experiment. They are inviting four thousand music fans to a free concert. Attendees will then be fitted with tracking devices and equipped with fluorescent hand sanitizer to help researchers better understand how to stop the virus spreading inside indoor venues.


What a Fleck's now this is how you shit on the whole world. Germany is having a concert with four thousand people. Meanwhile, in America you can't even do an open mic without the entire town coming down with the wrona. And I don't know which band is going to perform at this thing, but I hope they've chosen the Rolling Stones because of a lifetime of drugs. Can't kill those dudes. Coronavirus doesn't stand a chance.


And you know, I'm not an expert, but surely there's a safer way to do this experiment. Like before you tested on four thousand human beings. Why not try like a concert full of rats? It's a lot safer and it's adorable. I mean, look at him. He can't play a bass guitar. Rats don't have rhythm. We all know that.


Let's move on now to the United States Congress, America's mobile covid nursing home. Of the four hundred and thirty five members of the House of Representatives, one of the most liberal is New York Democrat Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. And one of the most conservative is Florida Republican Ted Yoho. So when those two bump into each other in the hole, it might be no surprise that things get ugly.


New York Democratic Representative Alexandria Castillo Cortez accuses a Florida lawmaker of accosting her on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, first approached her and told her, quote, She was quote, She was disgusting in referring to her positions over unemployment and crime. And she responded, calling him rude. And then as Yoho walked away from that conversation, he called her an effing B, actually using those words to. Moments ago on the House floor, Republican Congressman Ted Yoho apologized to Congresswoman Alexandrea Cosio.


Cortez, the offensive name calling words attributed to me by the press were never spoken to my colleagues. And if they were construed that way, I apologize for their misunderstanding.


I cannot apologize for my passion or for loving my God, my family and my country.


Wow. That had to be one of the worst apologies I have heard in my life. In fact, that's the only apology I've ever heard. At the end, I went, wait, did I just apologize to him? Because why is he saying, I can't apologize for loving my God, I'm in love and God doesn't make you say those things I love and God doesn't make you profane? The Pope is never out there like he's love surrounds us all, you sons of bitches.


So for a guy who talks a lot about personal responsibility, Ted Yoho is having a pretty hard time taking responsibility for his actions. In fact, if I may speak like a congressman, I think he's being a bitch about this whole situation. All right. We're going to take a quick break. But when we come back, Trump hosts a coronavirus briefing.


And I don't know, guys, I think he's becoming presidential. You don't want to miss it. The Daily Show is brought to you by a ritual, the new leader in innovative multivitamins for men. Over 70 percent of men don't get enough vitamin E and up to 97 percent of men don't get enough vitamin D from their diet. Some men may overvalue exercise and undervalue nutrition and may think, if I look healthy, I am healthy. But there's more to health than meets the eye.


So ritual is introducing essential for men. The obsessively researched multivitamin that's formulated to help fill nutritional gaps in men's diets. Ritual is great for men who don't always have time to worry about the gaps in their nutrition. That's why the team at The Daily Show loves rituals. Omega three supplements for brain health, vitamin K to for heart health and zinc. For a strong immune system, ritual makes vegan friendly, non GMO sugar free, gluten free and major allergen free multivitamins that are traceable because where it's from is just as important as what it's for.


Ritual supplements are easy to start and easy to snooze. It's only about a dollar a day to have essential nutrients delivered to your door. Step up your nutrient game with essential for men. Get 10 percent off your first three months when you visit ritual dotcoms Treva and start your ritual today. That's 10 percent off during your first three months at ritual dotcom. Trevor, The Daily Show is brought to you by Herries. Did you know if you switched to using Harry's Racer's today, you could save enough to pay six months of your Netflix subscription?


That's because Harry's delivers high quality razor blades as low as two dollars each, a fraction of price of the leading brand, saving you hundreds of dollars over time. And with Harry's close shave, smart design and fresh smelling shave gels, you won't miss your old razors one bit. Harry's delivers razors and blade refills directly to your door on your schedule, with or without a subscription. You can get blades, hair care and shower products all on Harry's dotcom, just like their blades.


Harry's is committed to providing premium products without breaking the bank and to help support those who need it most. Right now, Harry's is donating one million dollars worth of shaving supplies to hospitals across the U.S. so you can feel just as good about your purchase as you do when using Harry's producers at The Daily Show love Harry's because it gives you a shape that's both clean and affordable. Though there are some things in the world you can't control, at least you can give yourself a great shave to look and feel your best.


Listeners of The Daily Show can redeem their Harry's trial set at Harry's Dotcom Daily Show. You'll get a weighted ergonomic handle for a firm grip five blade razor with a lubricating strip and trimmer blade rich laddering shave gel with aloe to keep your skin hydrated. And a travel blade cover to keep your razor dry, go to Herries dotcom slash Daily Show to start shaving and saving today. Welcome back to the daily social distancing show as coronavirus continues to spread across America.


So does the stupidity of America's leaders, which means it's time for another installment of our ongoing segment, The Pandemic.


Let's talk about President Trump, the rectangle in chief in the forty seven years that he's been president, we've gotten to know the man quite a bit. We know that he doesn't feel the sun. We know that he likes to go vroom, vroom in a big, cool truck. And we know that kids love him. One of the big thing we've learned about him is how Trump handles a crisis, because whenever Trump is dealing with a problem, he's got a certain set of moves that he always tries, sort of like a video game character.


You know, first he pretends the problem doesn't exist. Then he pretends he's already solved the problem. And if that doesn't work, he blames the media and the Democrats for the problem he probably created. Now, unfortunately, none of those moves have worked with Coronavirus. No matter what he tries, it just keeps on spreading. So yesterday, Trump had no choice but to pull out his superpower move, changing his tone.


A remarkable change of tune for President Trump today. The about face coming during a late afternoon news conference.


The president changed his tone today after months of insisting that covid-19 was in retreat. He said it will get worse before it gets better. After downplaying the virus for weeks, the president came before cameras with a blunt assessment.


It will probably, unfortunately, get worse before it gets better. Something I don't like saying about things, but that's the way it is. I have no problem with the masks. I view it this way. Anything that potentially can help and that certainly can potentially help is a good thing. I have no problem. I carry it. I wear it. Oh, no.


Looks like someone finally got his covid test back. Positive in a negative sense, folks.


But yes, President Trump is finally saying that masks work and that coronavirus could get even worse. So basically, Trump has turned into that.


One friend of yours in the group chat who insists on posting means that while hot months ago, yo, if you got to see baby Yoda now, I will say something that I myself didn't expect.


It is actually a little scary to hear Trump talk like this because like when a scientist says it, it's because those are the facts.


When Trump says it, it's because reality is so awful that it's somehow cut through the thousands of layers of paranoid delusion.


Like, you know, shit is bad when even Trump breaks character, you know, it would be like if Barney the dinosaur took off his head like glue, OK, kids with which it's not looking good.


Are we going to sing a song, Barney? OK, guys, we're really it's over. I don't think you're allowed to say the F word, Barney. Now, there are many reasons that Trump may have suddenly shifted his tone last night, right? I mean, maybe it's because he's struggling bigly in the polls against Joe Biden, or maybe it's because he has a new campaign manager. Well, maybe it's just because he got his ass handed to him in an interview on Fox News.


I mean, it's one thing to get embarrassed by the liberal media. He's used to that. But when Fox News is calling, you are on your B.S. That's got to hurt, man, because now you're getting owned in front of all your friends. It's like getting a wedgie at your own birthday party. Whatever the reason was, though, it should be obvious to anyone with a memory better than a goldfish that this change of tone isn't actually a sincere change of heart.


Because let's just say we've all been here before.


President Trump was completely different in his tone and in the way that he was approaching the coronaviruses. A dramatic shift in tone from President Trump yesterday. President Trump changing his tone. A real change of tone there, to say the least, from the president.


A really sobering sense from the president and President Trump just moments ago with a somber tone.


But again, the overall tone, a lot more somber, especially coming from President Trump towards the president, did strike a very somber tone in his latest briefing, Robin. He was as grim as he's been through this entire crisis.


Yeah, we've seen this trick before. People Trump decides to pretend he's taking coronavirus seriously again. And then two days later, he's doing what he's tweeting that it's all a hoax and we should just eat our cereal with bleach. So the past is any indication. Trump's somber new tone is as real as his skin tone, because deep down, no matter how much he wants to hide it, he still trump.


Which is why even at a press conference where he's trying to change things up, he couldn't help but do this.


The one moment the president veered off message when he was asked about Gullane Maxwell accused of enabling Jeffrey Epstein's exploitation of minors.


I don't know. I haven't really been following it too much. I just wish you well, frankly. I've met her numerous times over the years, especially since I lived in Palm Beach, and I guess they lived in Palm Beach. But I wish her well, whatever it is.


OK, so just to recap, Colin Kaepernick, son of a bitch, accused child sex trafficker, I wish her well. This is the one time when nobody would have been upset if Trump had used one of his trademark insults. No IQ, individual horse, face hater and loser, psycho locker up anything.


Instead, this is the time that Trump chooses to suddenly become a feminist. She broke the glass ceiling of sex trafficking. You got to respect that.


But look, aside from that one time when he wished an alleged sex trafficker, well, he did manage to rein it in for one press conference.


And I guess that's the lesson here. As long as Trump sticks to the script, doesn't tell us what he thinks and doesn't act on any of his own impulses, I mean, then he makes a pretty dope president. But if he's allowed to actually do what he wants, well, then America, I wish you well.


Don't go away, because after the break. Hey, everybody, this is Bobby Moynihan. And I'm here to tell you about my new show, Hlophe on Comedy Central Digital. It's an improvised animated series about a weed dealing manatee named Hlophe, who has to juggle being a single dad and the number one weed dealer in New York City, all from his tank at the Central Park Zoo. Not to be confused with the much cleaner Central Park Zoo.


You can expect things like a group of zoo animals playing D and D, a tarsier trading sexual favors for a harp, a weed smoking hypnotist, a camel who thinks he's Mark Hamill. Interspecies relationships, outer species relationships, interspecies feuds and much, much more. With characters voiced and improvised by Ron Frenches, Cecily Strong, Eugene Cordero, Gina Gershon, Jason Lius, Kevin Smith, Jay Pharoah, Nina West and Taran Killam.


It's Hlophe on Comedy Central's YouTube and Facebook pages out tomorrow, The Daily Show Eres Edition is brought to you by Stories, a podcast from Wonderly looking for something for your kids to help them limit the time they spend staring at the screen. Stories from laundry is safe for all ages and dives into classic myths, legends and fairy tales from all around the world, complete with townland narrators in Fun Music Stories is a podcast that you and your kids can listen to together.


Or they can listen loon. You'll step into stories featuring Rapunzel and Snow White robots and fairies, witches, wizards and more. Search for stories and look for the Green Dragon logo on Apple podcast Spotify or Visit Stories podcast dotcom for more information. Welcome back to the daily social distancing show, everybody. Earlier today, I spoke with Jim Carey, the award winning actor, artist and now New York Times best selling author. We spoke about the fascinating novel he wrote with Dana Vachon called Memoirs and Misinformation.


Jim Carey, welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show. Thank you, man.


Great to be here. So great to be here.


You are one of the most unique talents that we've seen. And I mean, across the board, whether it's been stand up comedy drama, it doesn't matter when Jim Carrey does something, he does it differently. That's what you're known for. So I guess it's no surprise that you've never seen.


You've written a memoir that is part reality, part fiction, I won't let you. I didn't know I didn't understand it because I was told, hey, Jim Carrey wrote a memoir. Then I was like, oh, man, I'm excited. Then I read the book. And then I called the person who got the book to me. And I was like, but this is this is this real? Then they were like, well, it is, but it isn't.


Can you explain what you've written best to approach everything I do as something that could be completely untrue. And yet there will be parts of it. There will be there will be things in it that will be absolutely authentic. OK, maybe that's a blanket statement. You should trust me sometimes. But in this case, you know, this was the best way to get my truth out there and to say everything I need to say and and do it in a way that is completely entertaining.


And, you know, harkens back to DONTAE and all of those wonderful apocryphal stories of King Arthur and the Knights of the Roundtable and stuff, you know, that became somebody's history at a certain point, I think in England that that's the history, you know, and I just love that concept. So when we started writing together, Dan and I started writing together, we were really just having conversation, friendship, you know, and such wild ideas came out of that, that we we had to go with it.


We had to go with it. We didn't want to do a memoir. We didn't want to take stock of all the things that have happened to me and celebrate them and say, oh, and by the way, at the time when the royals told me I was worth something, you know, it wasn't going to be that it was going to be something different.


Do you want us as the readers to know what's real and what's not real in the book? Or is this your way of telling us the truth without telling us what's real?


I think people have an inner computer and the inner sense of discernment that that decipher is what's real and not real, even in fiction. You know, the best fiction, you know, is, you know, Moby Dick. It's like basically telling the story of what's happened to us right now. It's not only a prophecy, it's a it's a truism.


There's this crazy, power hungry white maniac who's trying to take the Pequod down and all the races down with it because he's hell bent on finding the biggest white cock.


That's that book, and so you can do that with fiction.


Fiction is a way to tell the truth then. Let me ask you this. You've included celebrities in the book, right? And you have seen them like like for instance, you've got Gwyneth Paltrow. You've got Kanye West mentioned Nicolas Cage. But then this was strange to me. Tom Cruise is I think Tom Cruise is in the book. But then you refer to him as Liza Jack Lightning Laser.


Jack Lightning. Yes.


I went right to the essence of the character there, you know, because if you stay in for a Tom Cruise for too long, you realize you're being probed, you know, and the laser is active. He's looking for things behind your eyes. Some sense of doubt, some weakness. You know, and so in in a way of kind of using litigiousness, you know, of the litigiousness of Hollywood, we just kind of gave a little nod to that that whole concept that some people you have to be careful with.


You know, you wrote you wrote notes to people, though. Has anyone given you feedback? Has anyone contacted you back and be like, you know what I've had so far?


And I'm Joan Dangerfield emailed me about Rodney and was so happy with how Rodney turned out in the book and how I brought him back. You know, I'm looking forward to everybody's reaction, waiting for a letter from Hopkins. And and Tom Hanks has written something to me and either be, you know, I've spoken to the powers that be you're done or, you know, I'm sure the movement is meeting right now.


So, you know, yeah, it's a wild thing. And, you know, it's it's people will see things in this book. There's like, can I can I read you a little snippet of it in the story Charlie Kaufman has has he's trying to convince me to play Chairman Mao.


Of course, that's absolutely unheard of. I can't do that.


I really found this part of the book interesting because here you were talking about like like just like the essence of what Hollywood's going through now, trying to decide who can play whom you can people play someone who may have been a different ethnicity or different culture or different. And it's interesting that in the book, you, as Jim or not, Jim, are going through this process.


There's a question of whether it's right at all. And Charlie comes up with some conceit about me playing an actor, playing an actor, playing Chairman Mao, who has all these problems in these conflicts. So one night at a dinner party in my swanky backyard, I speak and I give a toast during the dinner and it causes a few problems with my handlers. So this is a small part of it.


The American citizen is so lost he doesn't realize he's a factory pig, drugged and poisoned from the cradle to the grave chain to impossible debts. Never, ever free liberty. This is a land of invisible fences where all prisoners watching Kapara on movie night. But nothing lasts forever, Europe's monarchies sent their sons to die in the trenches of the Somme just as surely as we drove Chiang Kai-Shek into the sea. You think America will be different? You think this era, not one of consumption, but of gluttony, will last forever?


It will not. We're going 6000 miles an hour around the sun and nobody's driving this bitch, said Gary Busey from the woods, where for health reasons, he was halfway up an 80 foot pine tree. Mr. Carey, you've you've got the pots. Congratulations. Thank you, sir.


It felt like a lot of the book was about persona, you know, the idea of persona, who we all who we think we are, who we wish people want us, and you want to know who we want them to see us as.


It's big enough and powerful enough. It's something you have to drag around with you when you show up. You have to be the socially concerned, politically adept person, you know what I mean? So you you you might be happy to be that at certain times, but not all the time.


You know, that's not who you are ultimately. There's nothing you aren't, you know. So that's my personal belief and that's the belief I try to espouse in the book. We got to a place that was not only kind of science fiction, but it was it was spiritual and metaphysical.


It was it was it's something of a way for the reading audience to free themselves from from self, from the burden of their own construct. And so I think I think we accomplished that. I think we get at least a moment of freedom. When did you get to the place?


Yeah. When did you get to the place where you were like, oh, I've got to I've got to break out a little bit of what everyone thinks I am and then try and flex a little bit more of who I am.


I think, you know, the the the moment of shifting was somewhere around when I was playing Andy Kaufman and I got so deeply into that character and I kind of lost myself as Andy and Tony. And afterwards, I I found myself really struggling to remember again who Jim Carrey was and what his political beliefs are and what his choices are and his aesthetics.


And and it was it was really awakening to me. It gave me a kind of a point of view into the frailty of persona. Well, if if I can play somebody else's persona, get lost in it and assume it, then who's Jim Carrey? Who was that guy? You know? And so, you know, life becomes kind of a two step thing, you know, at that point where you start to go, OK, this is a this is a character I play with.


I wanted to represent itself. Right. I wanted to be a good avatar. As you can see, I have my the tree. My avatar lives in a picture of it right here. And what's that avatar going to do in this world?


What's he how's he going to represent? What's he going to represent? He's going to represent love. Is he going to represent desperation and greed? Is he going to represent compromise? You know, so those are the choices I'm making for that avatar every day in everything I do. And then there's the absolute truth, which is there is nothing I am not. There's nothing I can lose. There's no family I don't belong to. There's there's no one suffering that isn't a part of me, you know, and no one excelling that isn't a part of me.


You know, it goes beyond that even it goes beyond this planet in my mind. I you know, those moments of freedom. Are there moments where you connect with the with the everything, which is what we really, truly are. That's what we're never satisfied. No matter how we build our characters, no matter how how tough of Teflon this thing we create is, we're never satisfied because it's too small.


No matter how big this, you know, Elvis inside us gets, it's too small to represent who you are.


You can't possibly represent who you are. And so I laugh when people say, why don't you just be funny and I go funny.


Well, let me find funny. Hold on. It's under this fingernail here.


You know, it's a part it's a part of this wonderful wholeness that is that's there for anybody.


Any time, you know, heaven is as close as your own hands and feet.


You know, it's interesting that you talk about connected and family. And before I let you go, I want to I wanted to delve into that because you dedicate the book to your brother. Tell me why and what you hoped either to get from that dedication or what you would have hoped to give.


Well, what I want to do is, is is tell the world I had a very special brother and he passed away.


Last year, he suffered with aplastic anemia his whole life. He was 16 when he passed and and he wore it like a champion, like a champion, like this guy never complained. He never said, oh, my God, I can't do things because of what I have or what I'm dealing with. He was on death's door from the time he was four years old, you know, until 60. And he raised a beautiful family and he created gorgeous, gorgeous opportunities and and a beautiful aura around him and his family.


And he was a very dedicated father. And so.


Yeah, and I talk about him in the book because we went through the hardest times together, the craziest times where I would walk into the factory and he'd be beating the crap out of his cleaning machine with a hammer or or he'd be up in the security office and he'd be looking at the monitors and he'd suddenly see some lunatic sitting on a two by four in a hook that's going down this giant cable in the ceiling, going in front of the security camera like this.


It would be me trying to trying to get his attention because I'm working in the factory. We had the worst and the best of times together, and he's just a beautiful person. I think I sent a picture of you guys up to this wedding and he kissed a lot.


He kerstetter he broke up words with the F word syllabic, but just a sweet, sweet gentleman. Really lovely.


Well, thank you, man. Thank you, Jim, for sharing. And thank you. Thank you for breaking it down.


I hope everyone who reads the book really approaches in the way that you've laid it out in that like, you know, nothing, nothing is true, but everything is real. And I really appreciate that. So thank you so much for joining us on the show. And everything is true.


I get confused myself back and forth.


Man Who knows? Who knows, my friend. You know, we're live in exciting times. Thank you for what you're doing, man. You're doing a wonderful job. Yeah. You picked up a hell of a weight and and you're wearing it really well. So thank you for that. Thank you, my friend. Look after yourself. You too. Thank you so much for that, Jim.


Well, that's our show for tonight. But before we go, I just wanted to remind you that America is facing a nationwide poll worker shortage. And because most poll workers are over 60 and coronaviruses still out there, they are understandably not showing up. But fewer poll workers means fewer polling stations are open and it means longer lines that not everybody can afford to stay in waiting, especially in poorer communities and communities of color. Now, the good news is most people working is paid.


And in some states you can be as young as 16 to get the job. So if you're interested and you have the time, this is your chance, man. Save your granny, protect democracy and get paid at the same time.


The Daily Show with Criminal Ears Edition, watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central and watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.