Happy Scribe Logo

Transcript

Proofread by 0 readers
Proofread
[00:00:00]

You're listening to Comedy Central now. Hello, everybody, and welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show. I'm Trevor Noah. It is Thursday, August 20th. And here's your quarantine tip of the day. If you want to go hang out with friends outside because it's safer. But now it's also too hot. And here's an easy fix. Just stuff. A frozen turkey in your shirt. Yeah, it'll keep you cool. And people will think you're pregnant and offer you this seat.

[00:00:28]

That's what I did. And then I was like, here you go, ma'am. And then it was a dude with a turkey. And I was like, what the hell. Anyway, we're friends now anyway. Yesterday was day three of the Democratic National Convention, and it was filled with heavy hitters Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton, Kamala Harris and that dude who married Michelle Obama. What was that guy's name again? So let's do this, people.

[00:00:49]

Let's catch up on all the highlights. Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show. From Trivers Couch in New York City to your couch somewhere in the world, the daily social distancing show presents. The Democratic National Convention on Electing America's first black president, Sprent. Night three of the Democratic National Convention was focused on women, women fighting for their rights. Women pushing for change.

[00:01:20]

And women who don't want to say they told you so, but they told you so. We also heard from Elizabeth Warren, who delivered a speech from inside a school about the Biden policies that would help families and working mothers. Now, if you paid attention, you would have noticed that she also left a little Easter egg for people in the background with letter blocks spelling out b l m, which, if you think about it, is the perfect Rorschach test, because if you woke, it stands for Black Lives Matter.

[00:01:49]

If you're conservative, it means blue lives matter. And in my mind, it means beyond, say, loves me.

[00:01:56]

Oh, my God, Beyonce loves me. I knew it. I knew it. Now, this wasn't just Women's Night because it had a lot of women speaking. It was women's nights because it highlights of the countless obstacles and challenges that women have been fighting against for years, from reproductive rights to gun violence to domestic abuse, which Biden himself helped tackle with the Violence Against Women Act. It was a powerful and moving tribute to women across America that brought many people to tears.

[00:02:27]

Now, as usual, there's always one guy who's always trying to crash girls night. But I don't think anyone minded when it turned out to be this guy.

[00:02:36]

I did hope for the sake of our country that Donald Trump might show some interest in taking the job seriously.

[00:02:46]

That he might come to feel the weight of the office and discover some reverence for the democracy that had been placed in his care, but he never did for close to four years now, he has shown no interest in putting in the work, no interest in finding common ground, no interest in using the awesome power of his office to help anyone but himself and his friends.

[00:03:15]

No interest in treating the presidency as anything but one more reality show that he can use to get the attention he craves. Donald Trump hasn't grown into the job because he can't allow President Obama.

[00:03:30]

I think you're being a little harsh here. The man's only been in office for three years and seven months, give the dude some time to warm up. But the speech wasn't just brutal. It was straight to the point. Not even being mean about Obama was just laying out why President Trump has failed in a real and honest way. And I know he's too classy for this, but I think Obama would make a great yelp. Vincenzo's quality Italian has no interest in making a decent meatball sub.

[00:03:57]

They will never grow into your fave calzone joint because they hear so from Obama to Trump's former cabinet members to Trump's own niece.

[00:04:08]

Everyone except Trump's tailor says this guy hasn't grown at all.

[00:04:12]

And although there were moments of hopefulness in the speech, the overall feeling was that America was on the brink of death and this was the last chance to save it, like it didn't feel like the usual things are going to get better. Obama's speech, it felt more like a funeral for democracy. Basically, four years of Trump took Obama from yes we can to let us pray. So after everyone else had their turn, it was time for the big finale, the official nomination of vice presidential candidate Kamala Harris.

[00:04:45]

And although Kamala kicked off the night from what looked like backstage at a U2 concerts, she finally got her grand moment at the end of the show. Greetings, America.

[00:04:55]

That I am here tonight is a testament to the dedication of generations before me, women and men who believe so fiercely in the promise of equality, liberty and justice for all. I have fought for children and survivors of sexual assault. I fought against transnational criminal organizations. I took on the biggest banks and helped take down one of the biggest for profit colleges. I know a predator when I see one. My mother taught me that service to others gives life purpose and meaning.

[00:05:32]

She probably could have never imagined that I would be standing before you now and speaking these words. I accept your nomination for Vice President of the United States of America.

[00:05:47]

Wow. I don't care what you say, man. That was one hell of a moment. The first black woman to be a vice presidential nominee. Also, is it just me or does Kamala have like a really big living room? And I thought Kamala gave a good speech. But my favorite line of all was when she said, I know a predator when I see one. It made me wish that she would catch a predator. Donald Trump, you know, like he shows up in an arena expecting a rally, but it's just Comilla inside with a camera crew.

[00:06:17]

She throws his tweets on the table is like, did you write these messages? And then he starts to run away, but then remembers he can't run. And what I love about that line is that it really shows you how bad Trump is. She didn't even need to say his name.

[00:06:31]

And we were all sitting at home like we know which predator she's talking about.

[00:06:35]

I mean, except for Trump, I bet he was sitting watching at home, like, I can spot a predator. You I already ace that lion, tiger, cheetah, cobra and the biggest predator of all rabbit Mulder.

[00:06:49]

OK, we're going to take a short break. But when we return, another Trump associate may be headed to prison. Stay tuned to find out who. The Daily Show is brought to you in part by purple technology has improved just about everything phones, cars, shopping. Yet mattresses have more or less been the same since the invention of sleep. Until now, thanks to purple, the secret to purple is the purple grid. It's a patented comfort technology that instantly adapts to your body's natural shape and sleep style.

[00:07:20]

Purple is for everybody, no matter how you sleep. Purple is designed with over 2800 open air channels and naturally temperature neutral gel. You'll never sleep too hot or too cold. The purple mattress is soft where you want it, firm where you need it and comfortably cool all over. It's truly a mattress that does it all. The producers at the Daily Show are proud to endorse Purple because its grid technology provides the best possible night's sleep for busy people, whether it's news headlines, work, stress or exhaustion that keeps you up at night, purple can help you rest easy night after night, year after year.

[00:07:57]

Purple is so confident in what they do that every purple mattress comes with free shipping and returns and a risk free 100 night trial experience. The next evolution of sleep. Go to Purple Dotcom Daily Show and use Promo Code Daily Show for a limited time. You'll get one hundred and fifty dollars off any purple mattress order of fifteen hundred dollars or more. That's Purple Dotcom Slash Daily Show Promo Code Daily Show for one hundred and fifty dollars off any mattress order of 1500 dollars or more terms apply.

[00:08:33]

Welcome back to the daily social distancing show. While Democrats gathered around their laptop cameras for their big convention, the rest of the world continue doing its thing. So let's catch up on today's non convention stories.

[00:08:48]

Let's begin with mosquitoes, a.k.a. bedbugs, with sky miles. For decades, people have been trying to eradicate the disease, carrying insects, and now Florida thinks it's found the thing that can take mosquitoes down once and for all.

[00:09:05]

750 million genetically engineered mosquitoes have been approved for release in the Florida Keys.

[00:09:10]

The experiment is designed to test if a genetically modified mosquito is a viable alternative to spraying insecticides to control the species of mosquito that carries several deadly diseases like Zika, dengue, chikungunya and yellow fever. The mosquito has been altered to produce female offspring that die well before hatching and spread diseases.

[00:09:31]

Yes, scientists in Florida are releasing seven hundred and fifty million genetically engineered mosquitoes designed to gradually kill off all mosquitoes. And in any other year, I would be excited by this news. But in twenty twenty, why would you take the chance we're going to let those mosquitoes loose and then in a couple of weeks, the scientists are going to come out like so there's good news and bad news. And I also don't think they should be doing this experiment in Florida just by the way, because if something goes wrong and people start acting crazy, how would we know the mosquitoes bit that guy.

[00:10:05]

Now he's trying to have sex with an alligator. What he was doing that last week. Oh, OK.

[00:10:11]

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we shouldn't try to get rid of mosquitoes because I hate them. I hate mosquitoes. I hate getting bitten by them, getting irritated by them. But the one thing I will miss when they fly next to you at night, because I always felt like I was getting a private El Green concept.

[00:10:27]

And so anyway, congratulations on this groundbreaking genetic experiment with nature and preemptive congratulations to Will Smith and his dog for getting to inherit the Earth in a few months. But let's move on from one bloodsucking parasites to another. Steve Bannon, Donald Trump's former chief strategist and guy selling fake tickets outside the Billy Joel concerts. Bannon left the White House in twenty seventeen, but he has remained popular in McGartland. And one thing he's used that popularity for is raising money to help Trump build his beautiful, perfect border wall.

[00:11:05]

Well, at least that's what he said the money was for. But it turns out maybe not.

[00:11:11]

Breaking news this hour. The former chief strategist to the president has been arrested. Federal prosecutors in the southern district of New York have indicted Steve Bannon for what they say is his role in defrauding hundreds of thousands of Americans in connection with an online crowdfunding campaign known as the We Build the Wall.

[00:11:32]

The allegation essentially is that Steve Bannon marketed this scheme, this build the wall scheme, collected donations from hundreds of thousands of donors under the false pretense that this money is going to go to build a southern border wall. Instead, what Steve Bannon and the other defendants allegedly did was pocket that money, use it to pay for lavish lifestyles.

[00:11:51]

Bannon apparently was arrested while on a one hundred and fifty foot yacht off the coast of Westbrook, Connecticut.

[00:11:57]

He was arrested by investigators with the US Attorney's Office for the Central District of New York and also with investigators with the US Postal Inspection Service. That's the arm of the Postal Service that conducts financial investigations.

[00:12:10]

I can't believe this. Another Trump guy has been arrested after the Aryan Brotherhood and Latin Kings, the largest prison gang in America, might be the former Trump campaign officials and everything about the stories and seeing.

[00:12:23]

First of all, Bannon was arrested on a one hundred and fifty foot yacht.

[00:12:27]

And I know everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but I mean, let's be real. Anyone arrested on a yacht, I mean, you're guilty. Also, they said Bannon was arrested by investigators from the post office. But I don't know if it's just me, but I didn't even know the post office had police when those guys when my neighbor took my Amazon package.

[00:12:48]

I can hear you using the vacuum. That's vacuum.

[00:12:52]

But the best part of the story is why Bannon was arrested. Right.

[00:12:56]

He's accused of stealing money from people who thought they were donating to build Donald Trump's wall because, you know, you wouldn't want any criminals sneaking into the country. And I'm honestly curious to see how this plays out, because the people who got ripped off now hate Steve Bannon.

[00:13:12]

Right. But they obviously really love Donald Trump. But Trump loves Steve Bannon. So I feel like this whole thing is going to end with Trump getting those people to donate for Bannon's defense fund. But then Trump steals the money and moves to Mexico, which he can get to easily because there's no wall.

[00:13:31]

In other news, for all those people who are worried that the baseball season wouldn't be as exciting this year without the fans shouting offensive things, well, good news. The announcers are picking up the slack.

[00:13:43]

A baseball broadcaster is removed mid game for using a homophobic slur. Cincinnati Reds announcer Tom Brennaman was in the top of the seventh inning when his hot mike picked up this anti-gay slur. Take a listen.

[00:13:55]

Capitals of the world, Brennaman coming back from a commercial break, seemingly unaware he was on the air, started plugging a Redds pregame show.

[00:14:05]

The pregame show presented by Ray St. Clair, ruining the play by play announcer, later apologizing.

[00:14:11]

I made a comment earlier tonight that I guess I went out over the year that I am deeply ashamed of pausing made apology to call a homerun.

[00:14:23]

I pride myself and think of myself as a a man of faith, as is a drive in a deep left field by Castellanos that will be a home run. And so that'll make it a four nothing ball game. I don't know if I would be putting on this headset again. Damn. OK, first of all, who stops in the middle of an apology to call a home run? My man, an apology is like an orgasm. If you interrupted, the whole thing is ruined.

[00:14:52]

And this Brennaman guy is right. He may never be putting on that headset ever again. And I don't know what else he's going to do. I mean, they aren't exactly a lot of jobs out there where people just explain things that are currently happening. I mean, maybe he could work in couples counseling.

[00:15:07]

He's withholding his affection from her. He's not letting her in and she's out of there.

[00:15:13]

But I guess this means that there's a baseball announcer job opening. And I would like to throw my hat in the ring. In fact, I'm going to give you a few lines for my audition. He's out. He's safe.

[00:15:24]

Whoa, Nellie, it's out of there. Oh, no. There's a lion on the field. Somebody stop it. Oh, no. The lion is coming right up the announcer box. I told my wife I love her. I hope you'll consider my application. Our final story is about Netflix. The reason you don't have to buy airline tickets to watch British people bake things. If you're one of those people who can never decide what to watch on Netflix, first of all, just watch my special again.

[00:15:52]

And second, you're about to get some help on Netflix.

[00:15:55]

Just made it easier for indecisive viewers like myself to pick something to watch. The streaming service is testing a new shuffle play feature. I wish they would have done this a long time ago. Shuffle Play will pick content based on your viewing history or playlist, but the new feature actually goes a step further. It plays the selection and if you don't like what you see, you can just skip ahead to the next title.

[00:16:18]

Netflix has done it again. Do you know how much of my life I've lost trying to pick a show? Because everything on Netflix is both interesting and not interesting enough. It's like if the Democratic presidential candidates watch TV shows and, you know, this whole choosing for you is a great idea. In fact, other apps should also do this. Like Tynda. Yeah. You busy on that thing the whole time. They should just be like enough swiping.

[00:16:42]

You're going on a date with Larry. Yeah, I know he's a birthday clown, but he's a nice guy. All right. We have to take a quick break. Stick around.

[00:16:52]

Welcome back to the Daily Social Distancing Show. Earlier today, I spoke with former Democratic presidential candidates, Senator Bernie Sanders. We talked about what Joe Biden needs to do to galvanize support among progressives and much more. Senator Bernie Sanders, welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.

[00:17:09]

Great to be with you. Trevor, let's jump straight into it. I was drawn to this quote that I'm going to read where you were talking about the Democrats and the coalition and you said, I understand we do not agree with Joe Biden on all of the issues. Believe me, I know that I ran against Joe Biden. And then you went on to say, but at this moment, what we need to do is engage in coalition politics with the goal of defeating Donald Trump.

[00:17:31]

It's an interesting, interesting way that you phrased that statement. Tell me why it's important for you to say that to people who may support you.

[00:17:40]

Donald Trump, in my view, is the most dangerous president in the history of this country. It's not just that he's a pathological liar, which he is. It's not just that he has rejected science, which, as you know, has resulted in the death of so many people in this country from the pandemic. It's not just that he's a racist or sexist or a homophobe or xenophobe. Donald Trump is working actively to undermine American democracy. So what you're seeing now is what I would call a united front of people who have many different points of view.

[00:18:17]

You have some honest conservatives who are saying, you know what, I'm a conservative, but we've got to get rid of this guy because he is just not what America is supposed to be about. And you're working with progressives. So this is what coalition politics is about, is let's say we have differences of opinion. I disagree with Joe on some issues. You know, I certainly agree with John, disagree with John Kasich on many issues. But we're going to come together to defeat Trump.

[00:18:44]

And the day after Biden is elected, we're going to have a serious debate about the future of this country, but it'll be done within the framework of a democratic society.

[00:18:54]

You've always been somebody who says I understand the pain of those who have lost their jobs, whose jobs have gone overseas, who who have seen their pay not rise at the level that it should. They've seen a diminishing quality of life to the point where there are some people who voted for Trump because whether they liked him a lot was almost irrelevant. They said this man is speaking to me and they said, well, Bernie Sanders sort of speaks to me as well.

[00:19:18]

So then with that said, how do you think you would talk to a voter who didn't vote for Trump or have voted for Obama, then voted for Trump and says, you know what, Bernie, I just want a better life? How would you speak to them to try to get them to change their votes?

[00:19:32]

That is a great question. And there are millions of those people. And what I would say is, I understand where you're coming from, I understand your disappointment in many respects with the Democratic Party. All right. Who have not delivered the goods for you, whose policies in many areas have not been significant in terms of protecting working people. I got that. And you're right.

[00:19:57]

OK, but then what I would say is you believed in Trump when he told you he was going to stand for the working families. He is a fraud and a liar, and you've got to see that he told you. That he would drain the swamp and yet he is appointed more billionaires, this administration, any president in history, he told you he would provide health care to everybody, remember their health care to everybody. He is trying today continuing his efforts to throw thirty two million people off the health care that they have.

[00:20:33]

He said he would protect Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Take a look at his budget's massive cuts to Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security. Trump is a liar. He will say and do anything to get elected, but he is not to be believed, and I think if you look at his record, that becomes clear.

[00:20:56]

Let's talk a little bit about your favorite subject, billionaires. There is no denying that during this pandemic, although many millions of people have been suffering, some of the richest people in the world have seen their networks increase. Two hundred, three hundred. Four hundred percent.

[00:21:15]

You have not been afraid to say that this needs to be reined in, you have not been afraid to go after the billionaires. How do you communicate with people or how do you say to somebody, hey, if you become a billionaire, we're going to tax you? Because I'm sure you've encountered some of those people where they say, well, Bernie, I mean, you know, God bless Jeff Bezos. He made a lot of money and he deserves all the money that he gets.

[00:21:35]

Do you think you're reshaping the American dream or do you think people have to understand what the American dream is?

[00:21:41]

Well, I think a couple of points. First of all, I think when you say to the average American that we've got three people who now own more wealth than the bottom half of America. Top one percent is earning forty five percent of all new income and the effective tax rate that billionaires pay, the real tax rate is less than what a working class person people say, you know, that's crap. That's wrong. So I think there is a lot of sympathy to say to the very richest people whose country you are doing, as you've indicated phenomenally well, many are making out like bandits during the pandemic.

[00:22:24]

You know what? You are going to have to pay your fair share of taxes so we don't have people sleeping out on the streets and kids who are going hungry. And I think the American people do support that.

[00:22:36]

I always wanted to know on a personal note, because I'm conflicted as a human being and I wonder if Bernie Sanders is true. Do you buy stuff off of Amazon and from Apple? Where does Bernie get his just his supplies from if you need, like, socks or random things, where do you get them from?

[00:22:51]

I am not. My family is not too big into Amazon and stuff. I'm not saying we haven't, you know, mostly we go to two local stores. Do I have an iPad or an Apple iPad? I sure do. It's a very good product. But into that regard, what you're looking at are very large technology companies that control an enormous percentage of the market. And I think we've got to take a hard look about the need to break them up because we're having such concentration of control in industry after industry.

[00:23:24]

Let's talk about the future of the Democratic Party, as you say. And, you know, many people hope that you are speaking the future into into existence. Donald Trump loses the election.

[00:23:37]

There is now the jubilation of the possibility of a new world. But as a South African, I know this better than any one. The hard work now begins.

[00:23:46]

Where do you think America needs to start, like if you just said this is the beginning of where America needs to start and it might be the hardest thing to do, what needs to happen in America?

[00:23:55]

I think there are two things that we have to do. It's what we call inside outside politics. The outside politics is we have to continue to mobilize working people to stand up for their rights, because, as you well know, coming from South Africa, nobody gave the people of South Africa freedom that the fight and struggle for it. And many died in that effort. So we need to mobilize the American people to stand up and say we want economic justice, social justice, racial justice, environmental justice.

[00:24:32]

We want a just society. So that's the outside strategy.

[00:24:36]

Putting pressure on government when millions of people stand up and fight inside strategy is we need an agenda. You can't be yelling and screaming unless you know what you want to do and you will be arguing about that agenda. But I have a pretty good sense of what it's about. It is what the working families of this country desperately need. Look, there's something wrong when in almost the last 50 years, the average American worker in terms of inflation accounted for dollars, hasn't seen a nickel increase in his or her wages despite a huge increase in productivity.

[00:25:13]

So all you're going to do is sit down and say, OK, what do working families need? We need to guarantee that when so much work has to be done in America, rebuilding our infrastructure, childcare, education, health care, climate change, God, those millions and millions of jobs guarantee jobs to all people at a decent wage. Health care is a human right. Education is a human right. Tell the billionaire class they're going to start paying their fair share of taxes.

[00:25:38]

Let me leave you with this question. Bernie Sanders is in many ways a paradox.

[00:25:44]

You lead a huge movement that is largely made up of young people.

[00:25:50]

Some of your biggest allies in Congress are the youngest, freshest faces in politics that we've seen. And yet you are what many people would term. I wouldn't an old man. Some people would say you are an old man. I would love to know how that came to be, because many people say the older you get, inevitably the more conservative you become. And the country has been divided politically by age. So what is it about Bernie Sanders that makes him connect with so many young people in the follow up to that?

[00:26:17]

Is, what would your advice for young people be in changing the future of this country?

[00:26:22]

OK, let me start with your second question, then we'll get to you first. The first point I have to make the young people is I know that many of you think politics is bullshit and you don't vote. You don't care. Please, please.

[00:26:38]

For this election, you must must come out and vote. This is the future of America, it's the future of your lives. It's whether we're going to be a democracy, what kind of decent paying jobs, whether we're going to protect the environment and combat climate change for your kids, not for yourself, but your kids and your grandchildren. Look at what's happening in California right now as a result of climate change, it's only going to get worse. And this guy in the White House today, he hasn't a clue.

[00:27:04]

He's on the wrong side of everything. You must vote. And if your friends tell you that you're dumb, why are you getting involved? Look em in the eye and tell them that you believe in democracy, you believe in justice, and you want to see a better America. OK, that's number one. Number two, on a personal level, I have found that it's an amazing thing because your point is right. I find myself close emotionally to many of the younger people who are coming in to Congress, people like Alexandria or Rasheda or Ilhan and many others.

[00:27:42]

And despite the fact we not only have an age difference, we come from different places. You know, Ealand grew up in Somalia. Alexander's family is Puerto Rican. Rasheda is Palestinian. But we share a common, deep belief in democracy and injustice. And they are real people. They are authentic. And I find myself feeling very comfortable around real people, not phonies. And they are real people. Senator Bernie Sanders, thank you so much for taking your time and good luck out there on the trail.

[00:28:17]

Thank you very much for having me. Thank you again, Senator Sanders. Well, that's our show for tonight. But before we go, there are a lot of groups out there right now who are working to protect and advance voting rights for the elections in November. Now, one of them is the Alliance for Youth Organizing, which is a national network of local youth organizations who are mobilizing people to vote until tomorrow. Stay safe out there. Where mosque.

[00:28:41]

And if you still want to build Trump's wall, all you got to do is Venmo me. Yeah. This time it's legit.

[00:28:47]

The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers edition once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.