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You're listening to Comedy Central now. This is Miami's own Giffin, co-host of the Drink Chans podcast on the Black Effect podcast network and I heart radio. Every week, Nory and I sit down with the most legendary artists, producers and icons in the music industry and the culture at large. So if you'd like to hear some legendary stories, learn some hip hop history, or just want to have a good laugh, make sure you go to subscribe to drink channels on my Heart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast brought to you by Coors Light made to chill into the world of tomorrow's Masters, a scripted podcast starring Golden Globe nominee John Boyega and Emmy winner Darren Criss.

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In this sci fi thriller podcast. A shadowy corporation seeks to enhance human evolution by eliminating the need for sleep without the repercussions. When we give corporations direct access to our brains, at what point are we no longer just consumers? At what point do we become their product?

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Listen to tomorrow's monsters on the Radiolab Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Hey, what's going on, everybody? I'm Trevor Noah and this is the daily social distancing show today as February the 10th, which means Valentine's Day is now only four days away, people. So if you have someone special in your life that you've spent every single minute with this past year, this is another day to do more of that. Anyway, on tonight's show, your water is trying to kill you. Why would you celebrate America's greatest black spies?

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And we catch up on the biggest impeachment trial in 12 months. So let's do this, people.

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Welcome to the daily social distancing show from Trevor's couch in New York City to your couch somewhere in the world. This is the Daily Social Decency Show with Trevor Noah. Here's a. Let's kick things off with water, a.k.a. lazy seltzer. We all drink water every day, but recently in Florida, someone tried to turn the water into a weapon.

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Now to a shocking case of computer hacking in Pinellas County, Florida. Investigators are trying to hunt down the person who tried to poison a public water supply remotely.

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The plant operator monitoring the water plant in the Tampa Bay city of Oldsmar noticed computer breaches starting at about eight a.m. Friday morning.

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The hacker was controlling the computer systems mouse and was able to increase the level of sodium hydroxide in the water supply from about 100 parts per million to more than 11000 parts per million.

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This is obviously a significant and potentially dangerous increase. Sodium hydroxide, also known as Y, is the main ingredient in liquid drain cleaners.

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If ingested in large amounts, sodium hydroxide can cause vomiting, chest and abdominal pain. Fortunately, a plant operator immediately reduced the levels back to what was safe.

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OK, this is insane. A hacker was this close to poisoning the water supply of a county in Florida. I mean, luckily, it wouldn't have worked anyway, you know, since Floridians don't even drink water, they get all the hydration they need from Red Bull and whatever this is.

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States like Blue, but not only was this hacking evil, it was also just lazy. You want to poison the water supply, you roll your ass out of bed and pee in the reservoir like they did in the good old days. Lazy ass hacking bitch. And by the way, is it just me or was with the computer for Florida's water system even lets you pump that much sodium hydroxide into the water supply? Like, I mean, forget the hackers.

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Should the computer even have an option to poison the entire county, at least make it so you have to click on all the squares with streetlights first. Moving on to some international news out of New Zealand, Australia's Hawaii. In addition to being a full size recreation of Middle Earth, New Zealand is also a real country with its own government.

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And yesterday, a meeting of parliament broke out into a fight over what it really means to show respect.

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One member of the New Zealand parliament was ejected because he was not wearing a tie with weary t. The co leader of the country's Maori Party was asked to leave the chambers on Tuesday. It's all because of a time mandate for male lawmakers. And Waititi was wearing a traditional green stone necklace that he says is a nod to his native people.

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You can clearly see this is the city's business attire. As far as I'm concerned, that is not part of my culture ties, and it's forcing the indigenous peoples into wearing what I described as a colonial lease. Yes, thank you. This guy is so right, nobody should have to wear a tie. They should have zero purpose. That's why instead of wearing a tie, I just wrap up fruit by the foot around my neck. If I'm going to be uncomfortable, I'm at least going to get my snack on.

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Also, why would you want to make this man wear a tie? Ties were invented so that boring guys could try and look more interesting. Oh, look, I have a thing around my neck. This man has those amazing traditional tattoos. He doesn't need to be more interesting with a thing. You don't want to distract from that with a lame ass tie. It's like making the rock with mom jeans. And look, I get that in the past, necktie served a very important purpose that we used to point to a guy's penis.

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But it's twenty, twenty one. We figured out where the penis is. We can get rid of the arrows. Now if you ask me, ties are more trouble than they're worth. Why do you think there's always those creepy guys at the office?

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Because their ties are choking them just a little bit all day long and then like, oh, I'm being choked as a sex time. It must be sex time. Why else would I be choked? Thais are so dumb that even colonizes couldn't get people on board with them. You need to accept Jesus as your Lord and savior. OK, I guess heaven sounds cool. And now I will take your land and I will sleep with your wife. Well, I mean, you've got the guns, so what can I say?

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And also you must take this ribbon wrap. It's around your neck and suffocate yourself to look professional. Nigar, you out of your mind. And finally, news from the world of sports. Ever since Colin Kaepernick began kneeling for the national anthem, professional teams have been grappling with how to handle all the drama around that moment. You've got fans who want to stand. You've got players who want to kneel, people trying to signal the big guy while also keeping their hand over their hearts.

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But now one NBA team has tried to find a completely different solution.

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If you go to a Dallas Mavericks game now, you will not hear or be able to stand for the national anthem because they're not playing it any more. They're not singing it anymore. The Dallas Mavericks have ceased playing the national anthem before home games this season and do not plan to play it moving forward, a decision made by the owner, Mark Cuban. The Mavericks did not publicize the anthem's removal. This from Dan Patrick, the lieutenant governor of Texas.

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The decision to cancel our national anthem for the Dallas Mavericks is a slap in the face to every American and an embarrassment to Texas. Sell the franchise and some Texas Patriot will buy it. We are the land of the free and home of the brave.

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That's right. This is the land of the free. Why aren't we forcing people to sing the national anthem?

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All right, look, people, I know that this is a big tradition in the US, but just so you know, the rest of the world thinks that it's really strange that America sings the anthem at their domestic sports games. Like in other countries, you only sing the national anthems at international sporting events. You don't do it for every game. That's like saying grace before tasting every free ice cream sample at the ice cream shop. And can I try the vanilla, please, for what we're about to receive?

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May the Lord make us.

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Can I try the chocolate to third-rate by taste?

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I mean, just think about it. What is the national anthem even have to do with the basketball game? George Washington didn't beat the Redcoats in a game of three on three. I mean, although he would have won six two in the seventeen hundreds back then he was basically Sheck in a powdered wig.

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No we're going to fruit is going to bowl. We're going to look now.

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After the story broke, the NBA forced the Mavericks to start playing the anthem again, which Mark Cuban probably isn't too happy about. So luckily for Mark Cuban, though, I have a solution that Mark Cuban is so going to love.

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No, Mark, you recently ditched the national anthem, and I get it after literally thousands of years, this song comes with a lot of baggage. We need a fresh start. That's why I came up with a new national anthem that I think you'll enjoy. I'll listen.

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OK, here goes a little bit of Kansas in my life, a little bit of Florida by my side earlier. Little bit of Utah is what I need. A little bit of Georgia as what I see a little bit and OK. And then and then it goes into a cool response spot.

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When I say us, you say a US. US. Anyway, that goes on for like six or seven minutes and then we get to the climax, the big finish now, you know, America is a country on the.

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Sir, unless you're screwing with us, it makes no sense whatsoever. You are so for. Oh, OK, well, while I'm here, I also invented an iPad, but for dogs, I call it the I'm poor, I'm out. Thank you for your time.

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All right, let's move on now to our main story, the second impeachment of Donald Trump and shout out to my boy Trump over there for getting impeached more times than Mike Pence has had sex. I see you, player. Today was day two of the trial. And we're going to catch you up on all of the latest developments in the return of our classic segment from one year ago, the magical, wonderful road to impeachment.

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When you go to the beach, that's probably presidential harassment.

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Today, the Democrats began laying out their case for why President Trump should be held responsible for inciting the capital riots of January 6th. And between Trump's many speeches, interviews and tweets, the prosecutors had a mountain of evidence at their disposal. It's basically a slam dunk case. I mean, this would be like having a murder suspect who left his DNA at the scene, dropped a bloody glove and fled the scene in a Ford Bronco. There would be no way you couldn't convict that guy.

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It would be a weight that happened. Now, in addition to the evidence against Trump, prosecutors showed heroin never before seen footage of the attack on the capital and the violence inflicted on Capitol Police. So we all expected the Democrats to present a competent, compelling case. But what nobody expected was that Trump's lawyers would be so terrible they never addressed key issues. They went off on meandering tangents. One guy cried while reading a poem. It was going so badly for the Republicans.

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I thought Ted Cruz was going to start another insurrection just to change the subject. In fact, when Trump's lawyers were done, some of the harshest criticism came from Republican senators on their own team.

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Senator Lindsey Graham, one of Trump's biggest allies, saying, I thought I would figure out where he was going, but in the end, I don't know where he was going. Senator Susan Collins said, I was perplexed by that first lawyer who seemed to not make any arguments at all.

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The first lawyer just rambled on and on and on and didn't really address the constitutional argument.

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President Trump's team were disorganized. They did everything they could but to talk about the question at hand and when they talked about it, they kind of glided over it almost as if they were embarrassed of their arguments. Now, I'm an impartial juror and one side is doing a great job and the other side's doing a terrible job on the issue at hand as an impartial juror. I'm going to vote for the side that did the good job. Why do you think the Trump defense team did a terrible.

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Did you listen to it? I did. OK, it speaks for itself.

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God damn Bill haters. Dad is pissed and I would be to Trump's lawyers was so bad they forced him to be impartial. Nobody should be forced to have an open mind. Seriously, though, do you know how bad a job those lawyers had to do that even Lindsey Graham turned on them? He wants to be on their side. That's like drawing something so bad that your kindergarten teacher roast you for it. It's OK, Billy. You know, I want to like this, but this is dog shit, my man.

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This doesn't look like a flower at all. In fact, I got to show this to the kids. Everybody come together. Yeah. We got this bitch ass flower that Billy drew. Oh, my God, you're so dumb. Now, of course, nobody was more upset by Trump's shitty lawyers than the man who was never going to pay them anyway.

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Donald J. Trump.

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Sources familiar with Mr. Trump's reaction told CBS News he was angry with his lawyers lackluster performance, which at times rambled on at one point, nearly yelling at his television while Bruce Castor was making his case.

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That's right. Trump was reportedly yelling at the TV while watching his shitty lawyers make their opening arguments. Although, to be fair, Trump also yells at the TV during commercials. Good luck with your boner, Mr. Baggara. We're all rooting for you. Those four hours, you're going to be so much fun. But still, this is bad news for Trump's lawyers because Trump is a dude who will spend four hours at a rally ranking his favorite department store.

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If he thinks you're rambling, then you know you fucked up. Luckily for these lawyers, we all know and they know that no matter how bad their defense is, they're still going to win this trial, which on the one hand makes a mockery of the entire idea of accountability. But on the other hand, it's going to make for a very inspiring movie.

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To defend his impeachment, President Trump needed the best legal team in the country.

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Instead, he got these guys. My name is Bruce Castor. I am the lead prosecutor, lead counsel for the 44th president, United States. They were to hope this lawyers who didn't prepare barely tried and may not even have law degrees. The president was nearly yelling at his TV while he was watching the proceedings. I worked in this building 40 years ago. I got lost then and I still do.

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But they're about to find out that what matters is it the strength of your case? It's having a defendant whose party won't convict him no matter what. I'm ready to move on.

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I'm ready to end the impeachment trial because I think is blatantly unconstitutional simply beyond the constitutional authority of a Senate. President Trump is going to be acquitted.

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It's the impeachment trial. Critics are calling a sad moment for democracy. And the founders worst nightmare, underdog lawyers, a story of triumph against no odds that words are what make our Constitution. Frankly, they sure do. All right.

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When we come back, Roy Wood Jr. takes a look at the history of black spies. So don't go away.

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The Daily Show in the following message is brought to you by Norton LifeLock this new year. You may be excited about the new device you got over the holidays or your focus may be your New Year's resolutions. Make sure your new devices and your resolutions include one critical thing protection. Hackers are always looking to steal your info. One out of every five Americans has been affected by identity theft. You may not be as private and secure as you think. That's why Norton 360 with LifeLock makes it easy to help keep all of your devices safe and private with detailed security to help block hackers from devices.

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Join the millions of people who are seeing what therapy is really about. It may or may not be for you, but it's worth looking into because you are your greatest asset. This podcast is sponsored by Better Health and listeners of The Daily Show. In addition, get 10 percent off their first month at better help dotcom ears. That's better h e dotcom saggers. Welcome back to the Daily Social Distancing Show. As you know, February is Black History Month, and we're celebrating all month long with Roy Wood Junior honoring the unsung heroes of black history with another episode of CP Time.

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You get to shoot my stuff because of covid. Let's go. Let's go. Right.

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All right.

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Let's begin. She forgot to put on pants.

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Oh, well, hello there. Welcome to CP Time. The only show that's for the culture. Today, we'll be discussing the history of black spies was I call them Incognegro? Usually I have another camera over there. This is going to take some getting used to. Anyway, I know that usually when you think of spies, you think of white folk like Jason Bourne, James Bond or Jack Bauer despise all white guys with the initial JBI. Oh, my God, Justin Bieber.

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But in actuality, black people have a long history of running intelligence operations. For example, you may know Harriet Tubman for her work freeing slaves in the Underground Railroad and for popularizing the vendetta. But what you may not have known was that during the civil war, she worked as a spy for the Union Army. That's right. Harriet Tubman was a spy and she had a great strategy for being ignored by the Confederates. It was called being black. At one point, Harriet Tubman led three black soldiers in a raid on southern plantations.

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Can you imagine how terrified slave owners must have been? I was actually when they invented blackface, they put it on and said, yeah, go get those slave owners. Another black spider you may not have known about is James Wormley Jones, who in nineteen nineteen became the FBI's first documented black special agent. In nineteen twenty two, Jones infiltrated a black nationalist organization led by Marcus Garvey and helped get Marcus Garvey convicted of mail fraud. So Jones didn't just break barriers for black people in intelligence.

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He also used that intelligence to put black people behind various. He was the original Takashi's six nine. He spied on black people like a pitch black folk didn't just spy for the US government, there were also spies like Josephine Baker, who moved to France in the 1920s when she became a world famous singer. When the Nazis invaded France in World War Two, bakers smuggled secret messages and maps for the French Resistance. When she heard something valuable, she would write it down, pinned a note to her underwear and relayed the information back to Paris.

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And that's harder than it sounds. One time in grade school, I tried pinning a secret note to my drawls, ended up pinning my booty cheeks together. Suffice it to say, the school knows was very aware about my secret crush altricial. Well, that's all the time we have for today.

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I'm with you. This has been C.P. time from home. And remember, we the culture, we got to tell the facts about Justin Bieber. Somebody need to call you back. Oh, my God. Joe Biden's a JBI to the spaza ever will.

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Thank you so much for that, Roy. All right, when we come back right blank, we'll talk about her brand new movie that's getting Oscar buzz.

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So stick around. Welcome to the quickest podcast ever brought to you by Kohl's, today's topic. Valentine's Day. If you need some lovely gifts, think cool sneakers for your kids, a citizen, watch for your husband, Davel headphones for your boyfriend's multiple boyfriends and keep your dates for you. Love that self care bonus.

[00:22:50]

You can say 50 percent right now and earn Kohl's cash. I wish I had more time. Get it in one hour or less with free store pick up very select styles, 15 percent for February 15th. Wicomico take 15 some exclusions of historical tax details. Welcome back to the Daily Social Distancing Show. Earlier today, I spoke with writer, director and performer, writer Blank. We talked about her critically acclaimed debut film based on her life and where she goes from here.

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Robert Black, welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.

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Thank you for having me. I'm such a fan.

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Everyone is a fan of yours. I should be the one who's thanking you because I'm going to read a list of just some of your latest achievements and all the accolades that your film is garnering. You have the New York Critics Best First Film Award, the Sundance Directing Award, the L.A. Critics Next Generation Award, the black critics, rising star of what everyone has been showering you and your film with so many awards. I feel bad that I don't have an award.

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I just just give you one here. I'm giving you the World Cup. Congratulations. You have won The Daily Show World Cup Award.

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It has been quite a ride for you. Are you just surfing on this wave of success?

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I'm doing my best travel. I mean, it's weird because it's all happening in a square in a virtual world. And so many times I'm not even present to receive an award. But, you know, I go on Twitter and that makes things all the more real just in terms of people in this celebrations of the project. But it's it's it's been interesting to celebrate anything when so much crazy is going on in the world. Right. I try to find a way.

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I try to find a way. Well, for those who don't know your film, the 40 year old version is truly, in my opinion, a cinematic masterpiece. And it's a story loosely based on your life and your journey as a black woman who's a playwright struggling to make her name in an industry that keeps blocking out. And it's heartfelt. It's funny. It's beautifully shot for you. You know, as the person who wrote, directed and starred in this film, I mean, I'm sure a lot of it was personal to you.

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Why did you want to, I think, be at the helm of all of those aspects?

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Well, it wasn't something I was planning to do. I just felt like in order to tell a story in this way, I had to take control very much like my protagonists. Things weren't going swimmingly well for me in my career. I unlike her, I have not choked a theatre producer, but I have felt the urge to so many of the gatekeepers. And I had gotten fired off of a film job, one of my first screenwriting jobs. And I just I felt like I needed to take my voice back.

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And so in order to not get fired, I decided I could play every role so that I couldn't. You know what I mean?

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I know exactly what you mean. What's interesting is this is a tale about somebody doing their best to try and achieve their dreams, even beyond their so-called sell sell-by dates.

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And then in telling that story, you have achieved that success. Do you do you sometimes think about how surreal it is that the film has ended up in many ways, fulfilling the central narrative of the story?

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Yeah, I mean, every single day I there are moments that happen that feel like I'm actually in the film on my character's journey, because very much like my character, I've had a lot of the same obstacles in my way, whether people thought I wasn't CoverGirl or lead material or I didn't have a look or you hit 40, you should be put out to pasture. I really do hope that the messaging of the film, especially for black women, is that you don't age out of your passion.

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And if you have the notion to tell a story, do it, take control, follow the lead of many of our DIY filmmakers like Spike Lee, you know, and and find a crew and shoot that shit, shit, shit, shit. I like that. You should put that on a shirt, shoot that shit, shoot that shit. I think that's a fantastic slogan to go with.

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I would love to know what it's been like for you as as as a creator. You know, you always wanted to break into Broadway. You always wanted to write. You are a playwright. You want to break into this world. But it has felt like for many, not just yourself, that there are gatekeepers who determine what stories should and shouldn't be told and how they shouldn't shouldn't be told. And you've always bucked that trend almost at your detriment through that in telling that story.

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Yeah, well, you know, I feel like while a lot of the people in those positions are well-meaning, they tend to cater to the audience. There's always this kind of dance in terms of what's being programmed. And then when the black plays show up, it seems to be a black story that caters to their their membership's idea of what an authentic black. Where he is, I mean, hence the song Poverty Porn, where, you know, I'm kind of raising a lens on the industry celebration of black pain.

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Yes, they're always going to be gatekeepers. And I do think we should call people out when there are racist practices or things that are keeping marginalized people from getting on these stages. But I say don't wait on those people, you know, to affirm you.

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You know, a good friend of mine, her name is Danni Guerrera. You may know her as Michel.

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She once said to me, yeah, the zombie slaying girl.

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She once said to me, after I had been rejected by yet another theater, she said, Stop trying to make these people love you, rather go with alone.

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And so I think that the storytellers yes, it's great if we can get Marvel's stories, will get the bigger studios to get behind our storytelling. But what do we do if they don't have to figure out ways to?

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And I think that's great because we need independent filmmaking. We need that to be a part of the landscape of storytelling. Everyone can't do a Marvel film.

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You know, when you look at your journey, you spent a lot of time knocking on the doors of Broadway. And yet it seems like the film industry has has has welcomed with open arms in celebrating your project. Do you see yourself now going fully into the world of film or do you see yourself coming back to Broadway in some way, shape or form?

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You know, some of them theatre producers they call indie. Now, you know what I'm saying is that you would think that was on some Lenfest by and I lost a little weight and Atayal up. It might be, yes.

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But, you know, I I hope is an opportunity to tell a story there. I think my voice tends to be lean more towards social justice issues in theatre. And I want to tell those stories. But I did this to break into the filmmaking business. I know people think because I'm in my own film that maybe this was my audition for other roles. Actually, no, this is just me being strategic. I knew I couldn't play thirty nine forever, you know what I mean?

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Even I moisturise, but I, I want to make film, I want to make film. I want to compete with major filmmakers of our time.

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When when someone is watching this movie they might ask themselves, OK, who is Radha Blank. Is she an actress, is she a filmmaker? I found myself going, is she an undercover M.C.? Because it seems like a joke in the film. But I mean, you know, Reddam is Prima's got some rhymes, Trevor.

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I got buzz. I mean, you know, the the forty year old version is an origin tale and I have always been an emcee. And you know, I remember telling somebody I wanted to do a movie about a woman who decided to become an emcee at forty and their first inclination was to laugh. And I kind of got offended by that because it's like, why is this so funny? Saying like, why is that Busta Rhymes, Ghostface and all these other emcees can rhyme in their 40s, 50s and 60s, some of them.

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Why couldn't I get some of that? So I am AMC and I will always be one. And I got some stuff coming up. I got some stuff coming up for the naysayers. I think that it is just a joke. But yeah, I feel like the culture I'm the same age is the culture and wacky right now. I still have something to say. I get that at some point it was youth culture. But hip hop has evolved, evolved to include people from different parts of the world, different kinds of lifestyles.

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And so, you know, I'm here to rap for the over forty and see because we we do exist.

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Yeah. Album title that shit shoot the shit.

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That's what I'm saying. And you got a whole Marcheline come in. Drop sixty.

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Oh I'm coming through. Are you kidding me. Oh my my my afro man.

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The flow from the fro the flow from you don't even understand right now what the flow from the fro woman the to what you you got me.

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You know what I'm going, I'm going to go right one right now you get back to your press tour, you get back to winning those awards. Thank you so much for joining me on the show.

[00:32:28]

Thanks for having me Trevor. This was awesome. Don't forget people.

[00:32:32]

The forty year old version is available now on Netflix. All right. We're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this.

[00:32:41]

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The Daily Show with Trevor Noah is Edition, and the following message is brought to you by transfer wise, the best way to send, spend and receive money internationally. Picture this. You need to send money to another country. What do you do? Maybe you think I'll just use my bank. Easy transfer wise. Just has one follow up question for you. Will your bank give you the real exchange rate like the one you see on Google? Can you even find what their rate is?

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[00:35:09]

They're an organization creating child friendly reading spaces in barbershops and providing early literacy training to barbers, all to inspire black boys and other vulnerable children to read for fun. If you're able to help out. All you got to do is go to the link below and donate whatever you can until tomorrow. Stay safe out there. Wear a mask and remember, if your water has been hacked, try unplugging it and plugging it back in. The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers edition once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom.

[00:35:48]

Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. Does anybody want breakfast? Guys, let's go. I'm leaving for McDonald's in five seconds.

[00:36:07]

Why aren't they the breakfast stampede meal? It's only at McDonald's where there's a meal for every morning and nothing says morning like a classic Sausage McMuffin with egg right.

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Now, get this all time favorite for just two bucks on the one, two, three dollar menu. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. A combo meal, but up, up, up.

[00:36:29]

OK, so we're supposed to be sticking to the script, but we ain't because this is not what we do is figure out the. Yeah, and it's A.J.. Hey, hey. We're giving a whole bunch of good, bad advice and a lot of bad redivert trying to teach you how to say when, how and how much. Now, that doesn't always have to apply to your sex life, lady. It can absolutely apply to your career unless your sex life is your career and interchangeable.

[00:37:00]

We're talking about a whole lot of sex. I love the sensation of love, the money in relationship. We're going to work on it.

[00:37:13]

So listen to our new show. We Talk Back every Thursday on the radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast.

[00:37:24]

This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.