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You're listening to Comedy Central now. We'll have straight shooter, this girl, Taslim Figaro, host of The Straight Shot No Chaser podcast on the Black EFIC podcast network. Thank you for keeping our podcast in the top charts since our launch. And I look forward to bringing you more high quality content that provokes you to dig deep and get involved in the community and politics if you haven't listened. Check out what you've missed our bench. Listen again to Season one of the Straight Shot No Chaser podcast and tell a friend to get their shot of truth on the ICAHD radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.

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President Joseph pours a Biden over the weekend, Biden took a short break from his day to day president to catch the Super Bowl from his home in Delaware. And if you aren't immediately outraged about that, well, you obviously haven't been watching the last forty eight hours of conservative news media.

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Joe Biden is planning to travel across state lines to watch the Super Bowl, despite calls from the CDC not to travel. Biden and his wife, Jill, are going to spend the weekend at their Delaware home. Now, this just a few days after the CDC warned Americans against traveling this weekend, stressing it could increase their chances of spreading the coronavirus.

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What happened to the suggestion that you shouldn't travel during this covid epidemic?

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He's setting a horrible example and he's not practicing what he preaches in any shape, form or fashion. And if he really thinks that going out and traveling at this particular point in time is putting people at risk, then he's doing exactly that. He's putting thousands and thousands of people at risk by doing this. It's very hypocritical.

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Why does he need to go? What's wrong with the White House? What's wrong with spending the weekend in the white?

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I guess on believable? You are setting a horrible example, Joe. If you go to your home in Delaware soon, everyone will go to your home in Delaware and then they'll expect snacks. Joe, and what are you going to do, buy tortilla chips for three hundred million people? There's no way the store has that many. So you're going to have to get those quinoa chips. And I know they're better for you, but they taste like cardboard, Joe.

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And don't tell me all but Trevor isn't that different because he's the president and he's flying on Air Force One. No. What if I fly on Air Force One right off to Joe Biden, huh? Coronavirus can linger for hours, people. And I also know that people are saying, oh, come on, why are you criticizing Biden for traveling during the pandemic when Donald Trump spent every weekend golfing and coughing on the buffet table and hosting rallies at the same time?

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But that's not the same. Donald Trump wasn't being a hypocrite because he wanted people to dive covid. But it's not surprising that Biden bent the travel rules for himself because he's been president for less than three weeks. And already he's had more scandals than we can keep track of. Although, my friends, we are going to try and our brand new segment, Joe Biden, the worst president in history that we can remember.

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There are two things that are unforgivable for any American politicians releasing the aliens from area fifty one and insulting the troops.

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And last week, Biden's press secretary launched a gratuitous attack on the newest and bravest troops of all.

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White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki facing criticism for mocking the space force, whether the president has made a decision on keeping or keeping the scope of space force.

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Wow, Space Force. It is an interesting question. I am happy to check with our space for a point of contact. And I assure you that is I will find out and see if we have any update on that. Well, the top Republican on the House Armed Services Committee is now calling that comment disgraceful. And he's asking the White House press secretary, Jen Psaki, to apologize. She's literally, openly mocking the branch of military that was actually enacted by Congress with Democratic support.

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There's some arrogance there. There's a little condescension as well. One hundred years from now, the Space Force will be one of the important parts of our military.

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This is no joke. How dare you? Jen Psaki, Space Force is an illustrious branch of the military that was formed an entire year ago because Donald Trump had a weird sex dream about herself.

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If you're going to mock Spaceballs, maybe, maybe you should mock all the people who were cut in half when Neptun stole Saturn's rings and threw them at Earth.

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A weight that never happened because space for saved us space is no joke, OK, this isn't funny. America is sending troops to space where they have to poop in a little bag. You think that's funny? And if the bag is to fool the poop escapes and have to chase the floating poop around the spaceship, does that sound funny to you guys? A bunch of guys in fancy uniforms floating around the room trying to grab a poop, and then the boss opens the door and he says, what's going on?

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Then the poop goes in his mouth. Is that a joke to you? You think any of this shit is funny, huh? Now, insulting the military is bad enough. But before the space for scandal had even died down, Joe Biden took things a step further, this time attacking the honor and decency of our heroes in law enforcement.

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There is some controversy over comments that the new president made about these about FBI agents as a generality. He made these comments and it's getting a lot of reaction.

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Listen, by and large, the vast, vast majority of these men and women are decent, honorable people.

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What should be taken away from that for him to, say the vast majority of men and women are decent, honorable people.

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Why suddenly the qualifiers on the arbitration of who's a good guy and who's a bad guy?

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What percentage of people are we talking? Or 80 percent good and decent people at the FBI? 90. Can you be more specific?

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Yeah. Joe Biden, be more specific. Is it ninety nine percent or is it just one bad guy, huh? Is it Doug? It's totally Doug, isn't it. I knew it. You know, he cheats on Margaret, right?

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Like what have you heard? But this is just reprehensible. How dare you say that the vast, vast majority of FBI agents are honorable when clearly it is the vast, vast, vast majority. I mean, if you care about those agents at all, you would have thrown in a third bust. And I especially understand why this must have been a shock for the folks over at Fox News to hear a president slander the brave members of the corrupt deep state like that.

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I just hope the decent, honorable scumbags like James Comey don't hear about this. Now, look, it's not surprising that Joe Biden is bringing scandal to the White House.

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I mean, after all, his entire campaign was little more than just a front to launder money for his son, Hunter Biden. And just as everyone predicted, Hunter is already turning daddy's presidency into his own personal piggy bank.

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So Hunter Biden has a new book that is set to come out within his father's first hundred days. But critics are pointing out President Biden said his family wasn't going to do this. They weren't going to cash in on his presidency. Do you write a book for free?

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The real concern here, though, is Simon and Schuster is is is the is the company that canceled Josh Holly in his book, but they're doing the book for Hunter Biden.

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How will this book be used? Will will it be a kind of test of loyalty to Joe Biden to buy the book? Will it be Marseille's?

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Yes, my friends, welcome to Joe Biden's America, where if you want to covid vaccine, you'll have to pass a pop quiz on Hunta Biden's book. What important lesson can Hunter Biden learn in Chapter nine to believe in himself? Wrong. Give him covid. And what if you're not getting the vaccine? Biden will still know if you bought the book. You know why? Because our bookshelves in the background of all our zoo meetings, did Joe Biden engineer the coronavirus just to make sure we all bought his son's book?

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I'm just asking questions. But yes, that's what happened. This is what we're facing people scandal after scandal after scandal. The unfortunate truth is that Joe Biden is incapable of doing literally anything right as president. In fact, even before his first day in office was finished, Biden had racked up three major scandals.

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Joe Biden made fighting the coronavirus pandemic the main staple of his campaign. However, many have noticed that Biden and other high level officials at his own inauguration were failing to socially distance. Even wearing their masks was at times optional or not correct the way they were doing it when they were within six feet of others. Look, there was a lot of hugging going on, and these are not necessarily people who shared bubbles. Joe Biden hired private security as if he were not satisfied with the National Guard and the military.

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He wanted even more guns at his behest.

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Joe Biden jumped the gun a little bit today. He got sworn in at ten minutes to noon. I don't mean to nit pick, but he does say noon, according to the law.

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That's right. Joe Biden stole ten minutes of Donald Trump's presidency. Watch. Fox News calls it 10 Ghazi. Who knows what Trump could have accomplished in those ten minutes? I mean, maybe that's when he was finally going to release his health care plan. He could have used that time to walk down half a ramp. And do you have any idea how much Fox News Trump could have watched in that ten minutes?

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Like ten minutes. So those are the many Joe Biden scandals exposed by the muckraking journalists of conservative media in just his first three weeks in office. And who knows, by this time tomorrow, we could find out that Biden left the toilet seat up or even worse, spoiled the end of joy division.

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The Super Bowl, it's the world championship of a sport only played in America, and yesterday's game was one for the record books this morning, Tom Brady is running out of fingers for his rings, capturing his record seventh Super Bowl at age 43.

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I think we knew this was going to happen. I didn't win. The Bucks didn't just win. They tripled last year's champs, the Kansas City Chiefs. Thirty one to nine the weekend also electrifying on stage, singing some of his biggest hits in a slickly produced halftime show. Using mass dancers to keep things covid friendly, how, yeah, what a great halftime show and it looks like the weekend finally found a use for that toilet paper has been haunting.

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And how about Tom Brady winning his seventh Super Bowl ring? At this rate, he's going to be the first player with a Super Bowl to ring people. I mean, at this point, Tom Brady has led the kind of life that eight year olds narrates to themselves in the backyard.

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The crowd goes when Tommy wins in seven Super Bowl. And now he's rich and he's married to a supermodel and now he's riding a dinosaur. Rah rah.

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And look, I know a lot of people don't like Tom Brady. Anyway, let's move on now from the Super Bowl to the big game in Washington. Tomorrow, the US Senate will begin its annual impeachment trial of Donald Trump, and there's three possible outcomes. He could be convicted, he could be exonerated or the most likely one. He could commit new crimes during the trial that he'll get impeached for next year. But whatever happens to Trump, hundreds of his followers already facing consequences for rioting at the capital, although at least one of them is getting a chance to cut loose before she might get locked up.

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A woman accused of participating in the deadly capital riot will get to go on vacation later this month.

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A judge in Washington, D.C., granted Jenny Cuds request to travel to Mexico. The motion was granted and filed yesterday. Cuds lawyers say she had a prepaid weekend retreat for herself and her employees at Becky's Flowers to go to Riviera Maya, Mexico. The retreat would reportedly serve as a work related bonding time for employees and their spouses all year insurrectionary Club Med Kozmo.

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Honestly, if I were this woman's employee, I'd be a little nervous to go on a bonding retreat. I mean, these aren't the kind of people I'm putting on a blindfold and going on a trust hike with. OK, I'm sticking my hands out. All right. Closing them, like you said. Wait, how long am and what am I do? Am I strangling Nancy Pelosi? I'm not cool. Jenny, what I love about this is that this woman planned the vacation before she participated in the riots.

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So in her head, she was going to go to Washington, overthrow the government, and then what, hit the beach for two weeks? I'm like, how serious of a revolution were you planning, lady? These riots were all shouting that it's seventeen seventy six again. But none of the founding fathers were like on July 4th, we declare our independence. Then on July 5th we got that beach house in Cabo, Thomas Furin. It's going to be liberal.

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And look, obviously, I want this woman to be held accountable for her actions, but I also kind of want to party with her in Mexico.

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I mean, think about it. If she and her friends can turn a boring election certification vote into this, you best believe this spring breaks are going to be wild.

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And look, I know a lot of people are angry about the story, but the law says that if you can post bail and you aren't a flight risk, you can go back to your life until they actually convict. You have a crime. And I'll be honest, I agree with that concept. No one should sit in a jail cell because they might be a criminal if anything. The problem I have is that people who can't afford bail have to stay in jail.

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I mean, one of the courts scared of no one is easier to keep tabs on than a broke person, you know, where a broke person isn't going to Mexico or the movies or out to dinner. You want to check a broke person? They're at home. And finally, some education news.

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February is Black History Month, a beautiful time in America when Americans celebrate all the black people who died rather than help the black people who are still alive. But now a debate about how to teach black history is causing a bit of a stir in one of America's least black states.

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In Utah, a school reverses a decision which would have allowed parents to opt out of lessons on Black History Month. This is happening at a charter school in Ogden, Utah. Initially, the school's director said he was asked by several families to opt out and he obliged and sent out a document asking if other parents wanted to do the same thing. But now the school is backtracking after pushback from parents and black history supporters.

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Wow. First of all, what an embarrassment for the school. If I were them, I'd try to play the whole thing off as an intentional history lesson.

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You see parents, you wanted to opt out, but you're not allowed to just like the slaves couldn't. Black history accomplished. Now people are saying that trying to opt out of black history is racist. But even more than that, it's stupid because black history is exciting. It's got racism, war, oppression, dudes with afros and leather jackets. If you have to opt out of something, you should opt out of boring shit like trigonometry. You don't need to know that an isosceles triangle has four sides, trust me.

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Regardless, though, it's a good thing the school backtracked because this is a slippery slope. If you let kids opt out of black history, then you'll have to let them opt out of white history. And then what? Asian history. And before you know what kids will be showing up to school, like back off teach. I'm just here for lunch. It's hard to give your body the nourishment it needs every day. That's why Liquid IV uses breakthrough science and clean ingredients to help you get the hydration, energy and rest it takes to feel your best, best of all.

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Ever since Colin Kaepernick began kneeling for the national anthem, professional teams have been grappling with how to handle all the drama around that moment. You've got fans who want to stand. You've got players who want to kneel. People trying to signal the big guy while also keeping the hand over their hearts. But now one NBA team has tried to find a completely different solution.

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If you go to a Dallas Mavericks game now, you will not hear or be able to stand for the national anthem because they're not playing it any more. They're not singing it anymore. The Dallas Mavericks have ceased playing the national anthem before home games this season and do not plan to play it moving forward, a decision made by the owner, Mark Cuban. The Mavericks did not publicize the anthems. Remove all this from Dan Patrick, the lieutenant governor of Texas.

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The decision to cancel our national anthem for the Dallas Mavericks is a slap in the face to every American and an embarrassment to Texas. Sell the franchise and some Texas Patriot will buy it. We are the land of the free and home of the brave.

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That's right. This is the land of the free. Why aren't we forcing people to sing the national anthem? All right, look, people, I know that this is a big tradition in the US, but just so you know, the rest of the world thinks that it's really strange that America sings the anthem at their domestic sports games. Like in other countries, you only sing the national anthems at international sporting events. You don't do it for every game.

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That's like saying grace before tasting every free ice cream sample at the ice cream shop. And can I try the vanilla, please, for what we're about to receive? May the Lord make us come into the chocolate to buy tasty.

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I mean, just think about it. What is the national anthem even have to do with the basketball game? George Washington didn't beat the redcoats in a game of three on three. I mean, although he would have do six two in the seventeen hundreds back then he was basically Sheck in a powdered wig.

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No we're going fruit going to bowl. We're going to move now.

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After the story broke, the NBA forced the Mavericks to start playing the anthem again, which Mark Cuban probably isn't too happy about. So luckily for Mark Cuban, though, I have a solution that Mark Cuban is so going to love.

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Now, Mark, you recently ditched the national anthem, and I get it after literally thousands of years. This song comes with a lot of baggage. We need a fresh start. That's why I came up with a new national anthem that I think you'll enjoy. I'll listen.

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OK, here goes a little bit of Kansas in my life, a little bit of Florida by my side. Earlier, a bit of you chose one. I need a little bit of George as well. I see a little bit and OK.

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And then and then it goes into a call response spot. When I say us, you say a US. US. Anyway, that goes on for like six or seven minutes and then we get to the climax, the big finish now, you know, America is a country tree on the.

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Sir, unless you're screwing with us, it makes no sense whatsoever. You are for. Oh, OK, well, while I'm here, I also invented an iPad, but for dogs, I call it the eye paw. I'm out. Thank you for your time. The coronavirus, the only thing with more mutations than Rudy Giuliani, there's good news in America as cases and hospitalizations continue to fall. But with dangerous coronavirus variants spreading around the country, the race is now on to get as many people vaccinated as quickly as possible, which is why in Massachusetts they started doing this starting today.

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In Massachusetts, vaccine eligibility begins for friends and family members who accompany a person who is seventy five years of age or older to their vaccine appointment. Only one companion per person is allowed to sign up for this vaccine appointment and a mass vaccination site regardless of their age or health. Hell yeah.

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Massachusetts. Oh, this is just like the club, but the exact opposite. The shots are free and if you have your grandma with you, you get in right away. But yes, anyone can get a vaccine in Massachusetts as long as they roll up with someone seventy five or over. And you know what this means, right? It means everyone is going to want to make friends with old people in Massachusetts. Now, in fact, they should just make this the next season of The Bachelorette, who will get Gladys's syringe.

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Stay tuned to find out. And this could also make for some awkward situations, because this is when the grandkids find out which one is the favorites or that grandma has been having an affair with the pool boy all along.

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I love you all equally, but how the air has abs of steel.

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And look, I know there's going to be a run on octogenarians now, but if you ask me, we shouldn't need any more incentives to hang out with old people because old people are the best. They're full of wisdom. They usually have free candy in their pockets and they have lots of practical advice about defeating Nazis, which is super useful these days.

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But America isn't the only country taking creative measures to combat coronavirus. They're also making big changes in France, a.k.a. horny Belgium, where office culture may never be the same.

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Employees in France will soon be allowed to eat at their desks at work. Currently, the French labor code actually prohibits businesses from allowing employees to eat meals in areas that are dedicated to work. But the Labour minister will be making the changes as part of new covid restrictions as employees return to the office. Now, it could signal a change for a country with a very strong work life balance, with one French woman telling The New York Times the amendment is, quote, a catastrophe.

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I agree this is a catastrophe for French culture. First, they start eating up their desks. And what's next? Working up their desks. SLOCUMB Yeah, but this is kind of wild. Apparently, up until now, it had been illegal in France to eat lunch at your desk because they think if it's allowed workers is going to be pressured to do it instead of taking a lunch break. Not to mention it's really hard to get fresh ground pepper out of a keyboard and I'm not going to lie.

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I was really surprised to learn about this rule. I mean, I would have thought that if anyone ate while they were working, it would be the French. I mean, the main pastry doubles as a phone. I'll neglect. I need those documents on my desk by the end of the day.

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Ha ha ha ha. OK, magnifique. And finally, a story about some people in the Caribbean who were quarantining a little too well this morning, three Cuban nationals are recovering after being stranded on a remote, deserted island for five weeks.

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The married couple and another man were found on Anguilla Key, a small island between Key West and the Bahamas.

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We actually discovered them waving next to their temporary shelter that they built for themselves.

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Pictures show the shelter the three had made with little food and water. They reportedly survived off rats and conch shells.

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Good Lord, people, that sounds absolutely traumatic to be on a beach and not be able to Instagram it.

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That is a punishment I wish on nobody. But yeah, that's right. A married couple and another man was stranded on an island. Thirty three days. And the person I feel worse for is the other man because not only are you the third wheel, but once that rat supply dries up, you know, you're the first thing on the menu. Why you guys you guys looking at me like that? You guys want to have like a threesome. I mean, something like that.

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But for real, actually being stranded on a tropical island seems way less fun than they made it seem on Gilligan's Island. I don't remember ever seeing Marianne walking around covered in red blood. Before we go, remember this month is Black History Month.

[00:26:03]

So please consider supporting an organization called Barbershop Books. They're creating child friendly reading spaces in barbershops and providing early literacy training to barbers, all to inspire black boys and other vulnerable children to read for fun. The Daily Show with criminal ears is once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more.

[00:26:40]

I've got one word for you, Tom Cruise, on this new weekly podcast meeting, Tom Cruise, we're going to talk about Tom Cruise. Everyone who's met him is an amazing story to tell. Hey, everybody. I'm Jeff Meacham of TV's Blackfish and Joel Johnston from the marvelous Mrs. Nazel. We are inspired by Tom Cruise, but we've never actually met Tom Cruise. But after we talk to some people who have, maybe we finally will.

[00:27:03]

It's not impossible to listen to meeting Tom Cruise on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[00:27:10]

This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.