And finally, despite having no brains, jellyfish still need to sleep. So Stuckert is not without precedent yet.
Thank you, sir. Nice of you. The unprecedented to God. Thank you, Christine Lacey. Before we get to Tim Kurkjian. Christine Lacy. Yes. Somebody has written in here. Christine Lacy. Looks like the mom handing out juice boxes and orange slices to her seven year old soccer team and who tells them all to keep their chins up after losing the first game of the season.
I think that sounds right. OK, very good. Thank you for being on with us. We will have some looks like here for Tim Kurkjian in a second. But Tim, are you totally sure the Marlins aren't going to make the playoffs? You totally are you totally sure about this? No, I'm not I'm changing my mind from last week, and it's not because I think the Marlins are really good. They're way better than I thought. It's very impressive what they're doing.
I'm just not too sure about the rest of the National League. That thing is so far up in the air with, you know, the Giants and all these other teams, the Reds, that are trying to get back in this match. So I think we've learned from this bizarre, unprecedented baseball season that anything is possible. So, yes, the Marlins have a chance, even though they gave up 20 night, whereas the other night. Wow.
Yes. They they're still in this thing and they still have a chance. My guess is they're not going to make the playoffs, but to count them out like I did last week. That's a mistake.
Timmy, isn't anything possible a good thing? Seriously, like 60 games? Isn't that a good thing that anything is possible where in a 60 game series that a team like the Marlins could be the team that wins the World Series?
Yes, dugouts. And that's what so many people were excited about for this truncated season, is that anything is possible. Just look at the American League. Just imagine that the middle of July, the Yankee, as someone who told you the Yankees will be fighting the Orioles, the Tigers and the Mariners for the eighth playoff spot, that would have been inconceivable. That is inconceivable in any other sport. But in this sport, in a shortened season, anything is possible.
And I agree. It adds an interest level that might not have been there would not have been there over 162 games, because there's no way good teams can run a bad teams can run you down at 162, but they can at 60. Him, are you like me? Do you get frustrated with the strike zone? OK, if we're going to still have umpires calling balls and strikes, shouldn't we get rid of the box that is shown on the TV?
Because all it's there for is to infuriate me when I see that an umpire missed the strike or a ball call.
Yeah, look, umpiring I don't care what anyone says is really, really hard to do. I don't think the average person could last 10 pitches behind home plate before he says, all right, that's enough. I don't want to do this anymore. And it's not only is it really dangerous, it's really difficult. And the box is certainly not helping the umpires, but I kind of like it. It gives you an idea of who's back there, who is and how much he missed by.
That's the thing. So I'm OK with it. I'm OK with a lot of things now. And I wasn't OK with a long time ago.
Does Adam Silver look like a cartoon chicken whose feathers were blown off by a stick of dynamite? He attempted to slide down a pipe on his arch nemesis, the Hound Dog.
Does Adam Silver look look like an upside down plunger?
And does Adam Silver look like the last person you see before being cryogenically frozen?
Does Adam Silver look like a symphony conductor's baton?
Save that one.
Does Joe West look like your grandfather's big toe baby other than the Marlies potato? He does look like a big potato, but he also looks like your grandfather's big toe.
And he also looks like the big nugget you accidentally dropped while driving TV. Other than the other than the Marlins do out here. What team in baseball as we as we come close to the end of the season, what team has surprised you the most?
Well, the White Sox are even better than I thought they were going to be, and I thought they were a potential playoff team, but I didn't pick them when they were five. But they're much better than I thought. I knew they could hit. I knew they were young and athletic and really dynamic, but they're better than I thought. I mean, Louise, Robert can really hit and he could really run. Eloy Jimenez seems to hit a 450 foot homerun every game.
Jose Abrade, who is going to hit in 30 straight games this year. He doesn't watch out. So they're a team that is surprised me for the good because I knew they'd be pretty good. They've taken another step this year ahead of time.
Tim, I'm wondering, No. One, if my story is a common one that you're hearing. I'm actually back into baseball for the first time in years because of all the changes that they've made and because it's a it's a fun mutation of the sport. I actually kind of like the randomness of this. And I'm playing fantasy baseball and I'm noticing, like all my pitchers are hurt. Are more pitchers getting hurt because of how congested these games are?
Yeah, I don't think there's any doubt the shortened spring training and then the shortened summer camp has led to some of these injuries. This is nobody's fault. It just happens this way. Throwing a baseball is not a NaturalMotion. A pitcher's arm is very delicate, as we've seen. And it's really easy to get hurt playing this game. And you can't play this game when you fingers your toes, your feet, your knees are not working. It's too skillful a sport.
So, yes, I think more and more pitchers have gotten hurt over this, in part because we're cramming games into a short amount of time and we're trying to protect them. I mean, that's Sharmini, a guy like threw 71 pitches, 61 pitches in seven innings last night. They took them out because they want to protect him. That's what we're doing all the time.
Now, does Nick Nurse look like the public defender who was contemplating how the hell he's going to get a plea deal for his client charged with pooping in a mailbox?
Does Field Yates look like the Slint slick young realtor who meets you and your wife at the door wearing an apron, holding a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies and greeting you with Welcome home?
Good. Roy, what do you have for Jim Kirshen?
Yeah, we brought up Joe West earlier and I know the umpires have a union, but it seemed like umpires like Joe West tend to instigate things instead of, you know, crawl down any potential argument, what type of things that Major League Baseball can do to actually discipline umpires in this situation?
Well, I've written a profile on Joe West that's going to run next week, and he's been suspended a bunch of times. He's been reprimanded times and he's still going to do his thing because he's going to umpire more games than anyone in the history of the sport. Pretty soon, September 14th, March marks his forty fourth anniversary of having umpired a major league game. So he's good at this. In fact, he's borderline really good at this. But sometimes he goes too far.
Sometimes his arrogance gets the gets the best of him and he gets himself in trouble and he gets himself suspended or reprimanded. So don't think the league isn't paying attention to this. They are. But they also know he's not going to lose control over a big game because everything is too big around him.
Does Max Kellerman look like the bank teller during a robbery who nervously tries maintaining eye contact with the armed assailant while frantically pressing the security button under the counter?
Does Mike Budenholzer look like the speaker at a trade show?
Who says there are exciting new things happening in the world of Paepcke?
Does does Jim Harbaugh look like the dad picking up his son from karate class who ignores the no shoes on the mat rule while asking your son's sensei what do they work on when ass kicking and karate every little kid and he couldn't break the board, then he kicked.
It was a mess.
The board broke it for his broken no.
I would sign up for another kid from the board, even if the guy that it was a chance that he.
Very good, but I don't know how it will go for you, you are the best.
Tim, does Mike D'Antoni look like your local pastor who changes the name of the monthly potluck to pot hope because Jesus didn't gamble it later?
Tim. If you missed any of the show, you can listen to all three hours of the day on Levator today, plus our Miami only hour and the big suhui on demand in the ESPN app and subscribe to the Libertarian Friends Podcast Network featuring South Beach. That obsession, stupidity and mystery, great. Please rate and subscribe. New episodes are posted every week, wherever you get your podcast. And it is time for straight talk and it is brought to you by Straight Talk Wireless.
Speaking of all those things that Stuart was telling you about there today, it was particularly strong yesterday, it was particularly strong. So if you want extra of this show with a lot more room to work than this show presently gives us. Check out those things to telling you to check out the local our the big Stewy and also the post game show. There is a headline I have in front of me here from football that I've told you before that the New York Jets of stewards should have the gangrene.
Pianists of Harvey Weinstein on the side of their helmet because that organization is such a disaster. And I'm going to read for you, Stuart, I'm going to read to you a headline that seems like it comes straight out of The Onion. Are you ready?
Year X Jets wide receiver Josh Bellamy charged with getting 24 million dollars in PP loans and using it to buy Gucci for his company, DRIP Entertainment.
Huh. That is your New York Jets right there.
What do you know about not just the New York Jets, Dad? It's a lot of people right now. It's a bit of the Wild West for that PBB. It really is right, like a lot of people are doing. There are crazy, crazy stories about people coming into money. All of those are in Florida, right? Every last one of them there are everywhere.
And a lot of people like to point the finger at small business. If the small businesses if this receiver from the Jets have figured it out, what do you think Musk is doing?
Josh Pelamis to Godse, I think reportedly or allegedly, don't you need to soften that one up a little bit?
I'm just, you know, wild speculation. Just throw it out there. If they if these guys can figure out there is market inefficiencies to exploit. Do you think Jeff Bezos is sleeping on it? Totally fair.
I mean, what can you tell me about celebrity prognosticator? We are starting again. Football has returned. And so the thing that we do all the time while Billy's excited about this, why is Billy so excited about that?
I can tell you, you just ripped one of the people that I really wanted to try to get this year facility prognosticators.
I going to work on Elon Musk, Bellamy and all of them.
Good. Think Judge Bellamy is the most talented and it's not it's not a rip job.
I didn't rip anybody. I didn't even rip Bellamy. They're just sort of the Wild West right now. The celebrity prognosticator, by the way, no bucket of death this year. It's just impossible to do during the age of social distance. I can't sanitize it. And insensitive name really, given all that's going on.
But the celebrity prognosticator, I would have gladly picked all the helmets for everyone.
Yeah, I know. But the celebrity prognosticators are a bit of a mystery. If you listen to one of the postgame shows, you heard one of the sweep categories. This is a president's doing nominee and I think a surefire winner of best story. That is our celeb prognosticator next segment.
We wanted to speak to this person some more.
We couldn't work it out and now they are back to pick games. All right. Excellent.
I still don't know who that is. That's going to be in ten minutes. I've noticed that Billy in general has a great mood today, and I can't figure out right then. Well, I can't figure out whether it's the end of the week, whether it's the Marlins or whether it's the news that the next Fast and Furious is headed to space. Which of which of these are the things that have you so happy they're going to start going they're going to space.
Yeah, well, of course, no guarantee. Of course they are. OK, sorry. My bad.
Which is it, Billy? Which of these is the one that has you in such a buoyant mood today?
I think it might be a Friday thing. I might be a celebrity prognosticator thing fast and furious going into space. I'm not getting too excited about because I was already supposed to have Fast and Furious in space this June or July and then it was taken from me. So I don't want to get too excited about it next year because I don't know if I'll get released next year. So I'm trying to kind of temper my expectations on that one.
Then why are you excited about celebrity prognosticator? There are very few things that bring you a giggling smile to your face, just dreaming about them. And I don't understand why celebrity prognosticator here in a few minutes did something that look at you. You can't you're beaming your post-coital like, who is this person? I haven't seen you this happy since you were calling Walter Mercado's family.
Oh, don't mind you. Come on, Dan, you know that that was the dream and we didn't get to him. And then the dream was Jerry Stiller, and we're not going to get to him. Why do we you know what? Why did you do this? Why do you do this always?
Well, you know what? You just mentioned two targets that have died. It's a wonder how our next celebrity prognosticator is still alive.
Is that right? What a tease I'm doing. Yes. Gassed on the Damodar Joe appear via the Shell Penso, a performance line, our celebrity prognosticator will join us there in just a minute. If there's a game, someone's betting on extreme better days. The new Mike Greenberg hosted series about epic sports betting stories told by the betters themselves powering through it. Dan, hang on, people. Great new episodes every week only on ESPN. Plus, I made a bad day.
Yes, the phlegmy Stu. Got it. He's just one cough away, Stevo. We have missed him so much. But let's play the celebrity prognosticator music for Stevo after we get our. And finally from Christine Lacy.
And finally, you cannot sneeze while you sleep, but Stan has proven you obviously can eat.
How does she know that? Oh, I don't know how she knows that. I know there's circumstantial evidence in this. Yes, she is enjoying it to its knees. And at the same time, either Steve goes Wild Ride podcast, you need to get it wherever it is you get your podcasts. I missed this guy the last time he was on with us. He told a just story about, you know, doing cocaine with Mike Tyson in the bathroom for hours.
We'll get to Steve in a second. But give him the kind of entertainment production that he's used to at the top of the Hollywood ladder.
I know this time for a celebrity prognosticator, let's win some money. They smoked five grams of cocaine over the course of three hours. Steve. Oh, thank you for being on with us. The Wild Ride podcast. Get it. Wherever it is, you get your podcast. We have really missed you, sir. Thank you for being on with us. Who wouldn't miss him after that story? Yes. Yes. It was a really great story.
And, you know, next week on the Wild Ride podcast is Mike Tyson. Yeah.
Oh, my reunion. And I'm super psyched about that. OK, guys, let's talk football.
We will. Do you know how difficult this is? My boss is difficult. It is to be a flea market circus clown who's thiebaud and have that be like the second most impressive thing about what we talked about the last time. But anyway, let's talk some football, because he doesn't want to talk about it on camera.
I'm talking about whatever, dude, I'm lazy. But are you good at picking games? We've got lines here provided by Caesars. William Hill, are you good at picking these game?
You know, I've never been a gambler, man. My my maternal grandfather, he gambled away all his money and blew his brains out. But true story. And, you know, gambling was always kind of a weird thing that I didn't want to mess with. But with that said, you know, I enjoy football and I'm happy to pick some games for you. All right.
I can't believe that a man who smoked five grams of cocaine with Mike Tyson actually says with a straight face, I'm not a gambler like that.
I told that story and we understand what I mean. I can't think of a situation gambling with your life. I mean, Steve, that is correct. You got. All right, let's let's get. I'm sorry. Go ahead.
I was going to say my my feeling about it is if you have money, why would you want to lose it? And if you don't have money, why would you want to lose it? Like, how are you supposed to pay for five grams of cocaine if you lost all your money gambling? Good point.
It is such a good point. You can't even dispute it before we get to the games. What put it on the pole gear sabotage. So I can you can you explain to us just before we get started with these games, like what you consider to be the craziest thing that Johnny Knoxville has asked you to do? The let's here suggesting that Knoxville's asked me to do something I didn't really work that way too much. Well, yeah, I don't know, man.
I mean, OK, we can move on.
We can move on. I don't mean to badger you about this, but I.
I'm not I'm not too worried about it. But, you know, that's not right. And I just really ask us to do stuff too much.
Stevo said he wanted to talk football down and watch football. Let's get going.
All right. Miami, New England. New England is a six and a half point favorite at home. Who does Stevo have? You know, I spent a lot of my formative years growing up in Miami. I've gone with the Dolphins, man. That's right. I would it would be wrong. It would be wrong.
I dropped out of that. I dropped out of the University of Miami. I was kicked out. I just I'm a Miami guy.
Why did you get kicked out on, you know, drugs and and vandalism? The right.
Las Vegas at Carolina. Carolina is a three point dog at home. Who do you have? As you know, the novelty of the Raiders being in Las Vegas is just is just going to win me over on this one.
We're going to Vegas Jets at Buffalo, Buffalo, a six and a half point favorite at home. I got Jets and Buffalo. That's right, that's the that's the right reaction. Oh, my God. Ten years of watching the game a like both.
Can both teams lose? Yeah, I remember the acronym for the bills. Boy, I love losing Super Bowls.
I've never heard that either. I have never heard the bills used as an acronym. Are you going to pick a game or are you just going to do comedy?
We're sorry. All right. We're sorry for your you. I'm such a fan of the idea of going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. I'm going to go with the bill.
That is an excellent way to do that. That's an excellent way to choose that. Tampa Bay at New Orleans, New Orleans, a three and a half point favorite at home. Who do you got? Oh, man, let's see here. Tom Brady and encamp, man, I got I got to see how that works, man, you know, and I'm rooting for the guy. I'm going with Tampa. All right. You are really suffering these picks.
Well, like you, I mean, your gambling your entire life. It really does sound like this hurts you. Dallas at the L.A. Rams, the Rams are a three point dog at home. Yeah, I mean, I'm the Rams. The Rams are my team this year, I'm on the Rams bandwagon. All right, let's go, L.A.. All right.
We are hoping that you win, so you have to come on back back on next week. Thank you for being on with us, Stephen. It was Wild Ride podcast. Wherever you get your podcast. Anything else you want us to tell to tell us about the podcast other than Mike Tyson?
Your next guest, which is promotion enough, I suppose you have Mike Tyson is my next guest. And, you know, I put out this multimedia comedy special on my website that is so filthy. You have to click something to indicate that you're over 18, even to watch the trailer. It's like a porn site. And man, that a lot of fun. It's called gnarly and Sachdeva Dotcom. That was what I was promoting when I got duct tape to that billboard.
And in L.A., I don't know if you guys heard about that, but it did get some press. And that's well worth checking out Stevo Dotcom, just for that reason alone. And I did. I hope I win as well because I'd love to come back and talk to you guys.
How unpleasant was that entire experience on that billboard? Because they just showed it on television. It looks deeply uncomfortable.
It didn't matter. I'd never had an article from Vanity Fair, man, you know, Rolling Stone cover that Vanity Fair variety, TMZ, BuzzFeed deadline, CNN, USA Today. It was everywhere. All right.
Very good. So it was worth it, whatever it is that it was with. Yes. We need you to win. We'll talk to you next week, hopefully.
Hey, thanks so much, guys. ESPN Radio is presented by progressive insurance sounds this week have been brought to you by my computer career training for a better life.
We have never opened up the club as early as we're doing it now. 848 in California is eight. Forty eight a.m. We will do that in just a moment. But in an upside down world during a pandemic, I don't know if you're reading about these like fire, I think fire, hurricanes, fire, tornadoes, fires, cyclones as fires create their own like climate. I mean, it sounds like a horror movie. And then a hurricane is headed this way.
Another one we had two headed this way before. Everything is totally upside down. But Mike legitimately just asked me a question that I had never contemplated before. And I it's honest to God. I've always answered this question. Yes, the answer was always yes. America's answer was always yes. But I think things are so upside down that some people might be saying no.
Now to this question, are you ready for some football? Like are you really are you ready for a Monday night party? I don't know. I don't know either. I don't know if I'm ready for some football. I mean, I'm more like, are you ready to deal with your relationship with your father? Are you ready to come to grips with our nation's original sin? I don't know if I'm ready for some football.
I don't think I am. I well, you know what I proved not to be last night. I proved not really much going on in sports. Right. And so I can't get with all my rowdy friends.
I have to do it outside with chairs that are six feet apart. All of this feels bizarre. We really, as a nation, ask ourselves now that I think Hank Williams has played himself out of that spot.
Take a knee, take a hike. Are we ready for some football?
Let's open up the club. Because I'm not. I'm not. We'll talk about Chiefs Houston on Monday.
We will watch. It was lousy last night. Overpaid I they going to take it at Batard show is where you vote on all of the sewage.
We've got two coming up for you in the post game show exclusively in the post game show. And that's a strong category is we've ever done to open up the show, the songs on today's show. It's the first time we've ever done the series during Labor Day week. You've never seen Labor Day NBA playoff games. You've never seen Labor Day Suey nominees. It's been a shorter week, so we had to cram everything in. So we use that postgame show.
But there is one category remaining for the national show audience. So you got to you didn't get off that easy mispronunciation on Monday.
Oh, very exciting. Yes, that's going to be fun. It's going to tickle us.
But let's review some of the sounds from the work week and beyond as we send people into the weekend. You saw Jay Glazer said dolphins are in talks on talks on Jay Glazer. And then Armando Salguero says dolphins have had no talks on Kendon, on Kendel drink.
What were you trying to say? Just incompetent. It was just sheer incompetence. I would have said it cleaner if I had been in a fire. Tornado. Who else is in the club?
Who is the comedian? Is it James Mulvaney? Oh, Jesus.
Think just going to be me. The one rough week, a rough, rough pandemic. Democrats in the club let it be a black guy doing it to a white guy and have the white guy not have his helmet on and see if the language doesn't get escalated to a really uncomfortable, loud place.
I evidently didn't know that Myles Garrett was black there. Who else is in the club? I'm sorry, you guys sorry he's going to have to go to straighten.
The transition is just making it less awkward. Just make it less awkward.
And of course, if you're not familiar with what that was, OK, so it was a heartbreaking time in America. Is the streets filled with Black Lives Matter protest? I decided to cry about my mother and Cubans. It was not about Cubans on that day. I deserved what I got. I'm sorry, you guys.
You're sorry he's going to have to go to to make that transition. Just making it less awkward. Just make it less awkward.
And of course, it was sponsored. That was straight talk brought by straight talk parlance. It's a two year contract to ESPN is sponsoring.
My two years is the most appropriate thing in the world.
Who else is in the club and trying to protect my parents here for the better part of three months, I'm afraid of of losing them to Curb Street.
Did all of that so much better than I did it did. I mean, it would have been as random if he made. About your parents week, that was are you ready for some? I'm not, I'm not. I feel like America is not ready for some football. I mean, I don't want to say things are hostile, but we booed Unity last night. Who else is in the club? The good old sandwich. Get away from us.
That guy is the bad guy.
You know that the back in my day yesterday that he did on cars he had done before? No, he had done the whole thing before. That was just recycled. Reheated slop.
Who else in the club.
I miss the effort once involved in making a phone call, as if he would get up now to make up calls in the club.
And Jadeveon Clowney comes out like that. And that was the life of Chris Cody somehow.
And David come in like that. It is also the life of a tiny, tiny cartoon mouse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also somebody stepping on the toy duck. Yeah.
Oh, no, this is literally the worst way to ever do this. This is burning my heart that this is happening. But if you could hear me, just understand. I'm sorry.