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Please welcome Brian, Brad, Ben and Joey Diaz, government podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience, trained by Joe Rocky podcast by night all day.
Salute, gentlemen. Salute.
Happy birthday, my brother. Thank you for many more. Thank you, young Jamie. Thank you all.
Who Amandus three spins around the song. I have not fucking had to drink the whole fucking the whole Koven the whole cold drink before that either. I know you are much of a drinker. It's like every night I go home I have a make up because I think it makes a light five point. Oh yeah. Tremendous.
They make a double zero that actually tastes good. Zero alcohol. It's the Heineken has for sure the best non-alcoholic beer tastes like fucking beer. Like if you were an alcoholic you'd be like, oh my God, I fucked up. Like, you know how you have those. Like I like Dools it tastes good but it doesn't taste like beer. A Koldo Dools is delicious. I like those Nonno. I do. Some people don't like them. I like them like a cold one is really nice.
But you know what you're doing with the Heineken, they kind of trick you. I don't know what the fuck they're doing. They're doing some weird shit because it tastes like tasty beer.
Well beers like a taste kind of. That's that's the way it does work. It's kind of like that smoke juice you put in meat like, oh, that's the taste of smoke, right?
Oh, like watermelon gum that you don't taste like one now and it's still good. But you know what it is. Yeah. It's so crazy how beer like I grew up on six packs and APACS. Hmm. Eight packs with eight ounces. Yeah. Nips. You got a kasinitz or a case of beer and then you went out to Colorado. Man three point two. Three point two alcohol, low alcohol, if you're like Utahan, 18 and 21, oh, really, that's what you have to drink.
Then when you turn 21, they give you the full dose. They used to be a club on the hill.
I forget what it was in the University of Boulder downstairs.
And that's what they sold you. Three point to beer.
Right around the time I was turning 18 was the time they made it 21 years old.
I'm pretty sure find out when they did it in Massachusetts. When did Massachusetts make the drinking age from 18 to 21? I feel like I missed it by like a year or two, but probably for good. They were like, Jesus Christ.
Like, I remember that when I was in elementary, people were mad about that.
At least make it harder for them fucking animals. Thank you for the call. My pleasure. I did the blood test.
OK, it's 1979. They raised the drinking age from 18 to 20. But when was it 21, OK? 84 Dukakis exactly. OK, OK. Eighty four, I was 17. That son of a bitch and he raised it from 20 to 21.
Dukakis also fucked up. He gave up furloughs to prisoners and one escape and kill somebody. So I guess where else wasn't it somebody when I got to a halfway house, everybody was mad at the caucus because you can have furloughs no more.
Oh, you know, to do business. Yes. But it was really something or another. Right?
I forget the whole story, but I know that people in prison were furious because they couldn't go to work and furloughs. The law that caused the caucus let them go for like four days, like a blockade, you know, like Club Med for four days imprisonment and then going to Club Med. And that was the end of that.
Well, they're releasing a lot of prisoners right now because of covid. They're opening up the doors. Eighteen thousand California.
Do you hear that one that just came out of jail and shot the motherfucker who accused?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't yeah. I don't know. What is the best idea I get. There's a lot of people are very violent. Like, it depends on what you're letting out. You letting out some dude. So we should let him out a long time ago. You know, you letting out some guy was sell mushrooms, let that guy out on keeping a fucking cage with people who are murderers.
We've had this conversation before. You got a lot of people that are nonviolent drug offenders. Yes. All of them nonviolent drug offenders, first time first time offenders. Unless, you know you know what the big thing in jail is. Sometimes when you go to county, there's a DUI population. Really, there's motherfuckers that can't stop getting DUI. Oh, I think my ex brother in law has the record in Colorado. I'm not I'm not making a joke here.
Like, there's people that stay in the system because of the DUI problem. You know, they got to blow into a tube before they start their car. Yeah, my friend Robbie. Yeah, there's work, all types of shit.
So and then they put you on work release. That's a complete different situation than you. You know, they have different levels of it.
You know, the blowin in the thing it takes some time to. He couldn't just start his car. So it was cold out like we were playing pool. And I go, how long does that take? It's like it takes like five minutes.
Just got to sit here and check to see to make your.
All right. And you can't there's no getaways like someone's chasing you. You're out of the car.
You got to blow on the thing. You got to start. I had a friend that did that. He used to just pay people five dollars to blow and he would get a little and blow in there.
Do you know what happened in Chicago? Do you have any idea what happened this weekend in Chicago? Do you know?
Oh, not the crazy. Well, there was a shooting. There was a shooting, and then there was some crazy looting. They broke in the test.
Jamie was the first one to tell me that there was like an incorrect story. The incorrect story was that a fourteen year old girl was shot. Is that what it was? Or fifteen year old girl shot, I heard.
Yeah. Fifteen year old was shot and killed by the police. But it was misinformation that was and I don't know how that got out or who put it out initially. I didn't find out that part of it, but it was actually a 20 year old that was not killed.
It was in the hospital. So I don't know.
Yeah, we're one of those away. We're one of those away from this whole fucking thing exploding in in different cities. Again, why do you feel this strongly about Los Angeles lately?
There's too many people growing very ever since the Houston trip. You've been a different person.
Well, I've been thinking about it for quite a while. I've been thinking about leaving L.A. for a while. I think I don't this is just my my my feeling. I don't think this is a healthy way to live. I don't think it's good for your brain.
I really don't think the part of the people that live here, like I wonder if it's a coincidence that so many people that live in cities have like it's like cities are always democratic, right? Almost always cities are rarely Republican. And they're weird. Like, I don't know. I mean, is Houston like that? That's a pretty big city. Dallas is a pretty big city.
But I think they might be blue. I think the cities might be blue. And then the states are, you know, the surrounding areas.
Red and Jamie grew up red. I wonder. But I always used to think that that was because they were smarter. I just think that they were more educated. So they're more likely to be Democrats because I my family was Democrats growing up.
And I always felt like that was like the the people who are really interested in freedom of speech, really interested in education and really interested in welfare and making making programs for poor people and prison reform. They didn't want they didn't want the death penalty. They wanted you to have the right to choose. That's what it was always to me. So why the fuck are they all, like, lumped up in cities? Like, what is that? Because that's where all the universities are.
But there's some universities are in the middle of nowhere, too. It's weird. It's weird how cities are like if you just forget if you had a dog in the fight, if just looking at people, it's odd that these big giant clumps are almost always they lean Democrat. It's weird. And then when shit like what's going on now happens. We have violent reactions on a regular basis, like on a regular basis, there's riots on a regular basis, this crazy shit going on in Portland, Seattle.
They're trying to burn federal buildings. This isn't rare. This is like every day we're totally accustomed to it. Have you noticed you see a fucking looting in a riot, in a building, on fire on TV? You don't even flinch.
You don't even flinch. They used to be a big deal, right? Remember, like the Waco days, that was a big fucking deal. There was a standoff with the feds in a compound. And there was a guy who thought he was Jesus was fucking everybody's wife and they had guns. And you're like, holy shit. Goes, Fuck, I was he was like, ninety four, ninety five.
Hicks was alive because Hicks talked about it on stage, so it had to be pre nine. I think Hicks died in like 93 in that area. It was like Hicks and Kinnison died within a couple of years of each other.
It was it was Waco and then the Oklahoma City bombing. We blew up fucking Waco 93, 93 and 94.
95 was the Oklahoma City bombings, which really fucked with me that we I had a lot of the Oklahoma City bombing.
So very interesting, very interesting, very interesting. There's a lot of weird stuff like 1995. I was still living in Boulder.
Do you see that building? Look at the building. There's people to this day that don't believe that that was just a car filled with some sort of explosive that did that damn the most thing.
I remember that U.S. Army uniform, it was a daycare on the basement. Oh, that's what destroyed me that week. I remember I bought a big batch of coke and I cut it and I was trying to sell it. And I did the whole back and forth fucking days just watching the coverage on this.
The there are some fucking insane people out there. And there are there are people that are so insane, they'll plant a bomb in front of a building and blow the whole side of it.
They don't give a fuck who's. And Timothy McVeigh.
Yeah. And then you had the Unabomber around that time, look at how it blew. That's crazy. So there was all these reports, the problem is like eyewitness reports, after traumatic events like that, they're always off. People always like, you know, they don't know what they saw. They're so fucked up. And you could tell them what they saw and then they'll repeat what you said.
It does happen to people when there's a big crazy explosion like that. People so you don't know who's telling the truth and who's. But there was a lot of people that were saying they saw people carrying off bombs that were unexploded, like they saw like the FBI carrying off bombs like that. There was more than one bomb. And then the way it looks, if you look at the way the building exploded, the way they were explaining this, I was watching something on it that the way one of those bombs would go off if it was a fertilizer bomb, like it wouldn't it would necessarily go off that way where it looks like the whole side of the building is going out.
You know, that it would be located. The blast would be all the damage would be where the truck was located.
But being a moron and not knowing shit about explosives, I don't know if that's true, but it does get interesting.
Like who gave him this information? Why is he blowing up that building? Like what? What the fuck is going on? You could do that with a truck and some manure. Is that real? That's a hell of a fucking bomb. Can you do that, but could any crazy fuck just fill a pickup truck up filled with fertilizer? Do what they have to do to light it on fire and make it explode and blow up a building like that.
That was this was this one guy was a suicide or he just left it there and detonated it. I think he just left. Let it detonate. Yeah. Then they caught him.
The one guy there was a pair, they were part of a paramilitary group in the hills of Michigan or some something extra spooky about those white dudes who live in the woods who are plotting to overthrow the government.
There's something extra spooky about those guys. And that's what you think of when you think of Timothy McVeigh. Think of those kind of people. Those, you know, those people like is a real sad story.
You ever hear the Ruby Ridge story?
No, that's a real sad one. That was a guy who got in a standoff with the cops, with the federales, and they fucking shot his wife while she was holding the baby.
I forget exactly what they were after him for. I forget exactly what it was, but it was an egregious overuse of power. I mean, they murdered these people and the snipers murdered these people and the people eventually shot back. And then, I mean, just a bloodbath. But it became a symbol of how if you give people that kind of power, you know, you don't know exactly how they're going to wield it.
You give people the power to pull guns out and storm some fuckin cabin in the middle of the woods.
Some people or some people are more than willing to shoot.
Did you ever see this story? It's Tony Keratosis. What is it?
He this was a live press conference that got put on like every news channel. A friend of mine sent this to me recently. There's like a whole YouTube series about I think it's maybe even on Amazon Prime. What's going on? Really mad at this dude. I think he was like a mortgage broker or something like that. And he got taken advantage of. And so he kidnapped them almost like a four day ordeal. Oh, my God. It took over all the airwaves to get like, his story heard.
Oh, my God. I started looking into it the other day as saying, like, I never even heard of it. It was in like nineteen seventy nine or something. Seventy seven.
She's still alive. I.
What does he look like. I actually think he might still be alive. When I looked him up I think he was alive. Yeah.
Oh it's just the creepiest start. Any podcast ever. My buildings blowing up Governor with a gun to his fucking head but there's no one on it. What the fuck is going on here? I just did a covid test. I feel good. I'm saying. And also that coming to Bob and fucking explosion's, where's the happiness they got so much.
Thank you very much. Happy birthday to me. We will get the fuck out of here because all you need to do is hook up fucking left on La Cienega and then hook another left on Melrose and drive and play a game. Let's count the police signs. Yeah. And then you can't you can't just shut things down.
Think about the last time you were at the Improv. Close your eyes and think about the last time you were at the Melrose Improv. Now open them when you go to Melrose.
Now, think of the last time you were there and think of how long it's going to take the Melrose to be like that again.
Melrose was destroyed already. That is why I am leaving. Because of things like this.
I see an eighteen month comeback and that's a guy with a G d. I see it. It's going to take let's say we go.
That's assuming everything goes well, that's assuming everything goes well. Nobody does the vaccine or some people say it's going to disappear. No one on election day we'll just disappear. I don't fucking know. Yeah I don't fucking know either. But I'm looking at this is an eighteen month recovery. West Hollywood is going to be last because of the supermarket situation. They had twenty nine infected employees and they spread it throughout the community in Hollywood. West Hollywood is going to be last.
Did you know that, that all those boards are going to be large? So I'm sorry to give you the fucking bad news show.
You just got went off on just about starting this podcast off with bad news. And now you made me feel worse because I'm talking about why we're leaving here. We're talking about why we leave it, why we're leaving. That's why. And the other thing that bothered me was the known for Breaking Bad.
Right now, you know, like they're bad, but you're homeless for twenty four hours there and then you disappear.
Let me tell you something about Burbank. Every time I go to Burbank, just to look around, I got friends that live in Burbank. I got it to areas of Burbank. I go down Magnolia to Victory by Alberto's. And I see that street is getting very eerie, like when you go on a street, you feel two things in common, an earthquake. Every time I'm on Magnolia, I think of an earthquake like this is good earthquake weather for some reason by the donut hut.
And then you see those people lining up for guns.
There's three of them right around me. Yeah. And it's crazy every day.
I was driving the other day, nine thirty in the morning, there was a big line in front of Petersens trying to buy guns. Yeah.
Oh yeah. It's crazy. I follow all the gun shops around me and they all have Instagram's of course, and they show all the guns they got in for the day. And I'm like, oh, you know, I might I might get one of those. And then like an hour later, it's sold out like shoots. Like there's a line constantly on all three of those stores.
That is that. Well, this is what this what this is what's sad. What's sad is, I mean, we now we know we didn't have a plan if everything went sideways like this and you can't like governors and mayors, it's their fault.
Right. But it's not their fault because really get that fucking job is a ridiculous job in a pandemic. Like, all of a sudden there's a new problem that's presented with you. You don't have the resources to fix it. People are not going to listen. They're going to want to party. They're going to want to still go out. They're going to do. And you're in this situation where, you know, a large percentage didn't turn out to be as bad as we thought it was, but they thought it's going to be a large percentage of our population could possibly die.
And you don't have the resources and what do you do?
And governors, even though they they are in that position, they're in that position because they got elected. They're not in that position because they passed a battery of tests and show that they know exactly how to respond to any given circumstance. They were charismatic. They had the right money behind them. They said the right things. They backed the right bills and then become a mayor and then you become a governor. But it doesn't mean you know what to do if things go sideways and no one knows what to do.
And the fact that they were always getting those checks, they're always getting those checks. No matter what happened, the matter was shut down. They kept getting those government checks and they told all these other people they couldn't work. Like, you can't that's not a plan. That's not a sustainable plan. You can't tell people you can't work.
But I'm going to keep getting paid and I'm going to tell you when you can go back to work again, because people are going to go fuck you, but you can't just keep everything shut down for five months. That is California. I don't know what the proper response would have been. I don't know. But this wasn't it. This is what's in the best case scenario. And again, not a fucking word about your health, not a word about taking vitamin D, not a word about exercise, not a word about drink water, not a word about cut out sugar, not a word about use this as an opportunity to lose weight.
We have to up our metabolic health. We have to be we have to take vitamins. We have to be better about our health, not one word.
Everything is wear a mask and you can't do this and you can't do that. Don't open this and don't open that. And look, they weren't prepared. That's all it is. They're not bad people. People think that they wanted to sabotage the state or sabotage the city. I'm sure Garcetti and Newsom are nice guys.
They probably are fine to hang out with. The problem is nobody was ready. Nobody knew what the fuck this was.
OK, hang out with Garcetti, he says. He says Los Angeles knows too much leaving. Right? Angelenos, Angelenos. He drives me fucking crazy. Newsome Newsom. Looks like you could smoke a joint with him maybe and talk to him and they'll go.
You're right, I fucked up. But Gonzalez too. What about the fucking VEIS husbands getting charged with assault? Because when Jackie Lacy's husband is getting charged with a misdemeanor assault, because when they went to his house to protest, that brother pulled out a brief did he said, get the fuck away from my door? They took a picture of him and they charged him with misdemeanor. Whatever. I saw the DA's husband, my God, it's just been, you know, the mayor of or the head of police of Seattle just quit.
That motherfucker top. He sent the letter lady not too late. Yeah. Because it cuts. Yeah. That's eight million dollars.
Well, you know, the cops, they see the writing on the wall. For whatever reason, people decide they hate cops. Now it's look. There's bad people in every fucking job, you know. The problem with being a bad cop is it can it can ruin a person's entire life, ruined the life of a family. When you see someone abuse someone like that, like what we saw. It's natural to get upset. We all got upset, but it's not every cop.
And I think that's a crazy way of looking things in there. Figuring that out right now in New York and New York has record crime in New York.
Yorkers of going off the fucking hook. My friend John Joseph, you know, he lives in New York. He's always sending me updates. You know what's going to change? It's crazy. And John's never left. He's you know, he's the lead singer of the Chromatics. Hardcore dude does triathlons. And so he's not going anywhere. You're not taking him out. But he's you know, he sends me updates on crime and nobody gives a fuck. It's crazy.
It's like these guys I mean, the criminals, they don't give a fuck. They're getting they're stealing catalytic converters in my neighborhood. Yeah. Catalytic converters are going like fucking Assange now.
Okay, so crazy.
I thought of stealing crazy shit how much I was doing coke. I was thinking about breaking into the White House, shit like that. But who would rob a fucking catalytic converter right off the street. They melt them down to platinum, they sell it and that's how they make them live. In Studio City, the last week they've been hitting neighborhoods. So if you parked on the street, they clip your catalytic converter. Weird, but it's great.
Everyone has nest cams now and home security cameras are like next door has become my new fetish of just watching people's home security of like people walking in the neighborhood doing nothing.
That's crazy. This guy looks suspicious. Let me tell you guys, in fact, our friend Martial Arts School got robbed.
Yeah, man. Yeah. Would they steal? She caught it on camera. She got my little one. They put on hold for an hour. What? So you get. Your dead body. Always call the non-emergency line, by the way, and always have to always do you want the Spanish they pick up quicker, but you fucking unemployment numbers that haven't gotten unemployment just give up the secret you got.
I don't need know more. You got to press, too. Speaking Spanish They get antsy quicker, you dumb fucks. You learn something new. What?
Uncle Joey, why are you pressing on what it says? Say, press two. If you speak Spanish, the lady's going to answer and you're going to talk to her like halfway like me. No. And she'll fucking give you your paperwork. And next thing you know, you got your unemployment, but everybody presses one like a fucking knucklehead. Think about that next. That is bad. Press Spanish and see how quick they can pick up the phone.
Isn't it crazy how everybody went from. Everything's great. The economy's great.
We hate Trump, but other than that, things are great. But I was like that. That was how the the country was. And then all of a sudden, everybody wants a gun. Same people, same people.
It's because people are actually scared and they're watching that video of the live footage, you know, that scared a lot of people.
They also know people who have died. So they're scared to go to work. Does that, too, right? That compounds it.
Everybody knows somebody who's gone because of covid or know somebody.
Yeah, that Testerman is by the way, I don't know who made that buffalo trace. The shit that is.
It is Galicia's fucking delicious. Yeah, it's very good. I don't have to drive and have none.
This shit is older than America. This company started in 1773.
That is fucking delicious. We're native Kentucky Buffalo Trace. You do two more hours than they used to make. They used to make booze during the when when it was illegal. They did it for medicinal reasons.
I didn't know that they had a weed scam like they have always came today. They each have a boot camp. Same thing.
You could distill whiskey for medicinal purposes like a doctor could prescribe it like Brian, you need a drink.
Thanks, doc. You go to the doctor and cut your script. Some whiskey, I guess, which is what the fuck do these whiskey for for medicinal purposes. Have fun.
I used to fucking drink. I used to drink Jack and pull my teeth out. Oh I, I, I didn't have insurance when I was a young comic.
Oh God. If I had a toothache on the way home I'd stop playing it. Jack, do shots, gargle with it, work the tooth.
Something about the number I had and you're fucking good to go. I thought it was terrible.
Something about losing your teeth. It's extra creepy. Listen to me dog from the cocaine drips from all those years right at the end. Nobody really caught it. You got to watch an episode of My name is Earl. When I go I sing a song I to same stacks and stacks. What you're going to do. Look at my tooth. My tooth is black. I have already quit coke two weeks and all sudden like a month later I see that episode and I'm like oh shit you got it.
Cause Dad, I got a cocaine tooth from the nerve. Nobody caught it. So I went to the doctor for something different. It was like the twenty second of December and he was like a Beverly Hills dentist. Like this idiot sent me to like, you know, your friends dad Jamie from my name is Earl, like he has the movie stars and shit. They send me the I'm no movie star. You got to pay two hundred just to walk in that.
So I went in there for something different and the doctor said to me, what are you going to do about that? A little while the cocaine dude. And he goes, Yeah, I had one of those at one time and that's the best. The doc, the cops are doing drugs.
So how many doctors copped to doing drugs?
I got two of them really got to me. Three of them. Wow.
I cook for four. Wow. Oh, one, one, two. I grew up and I would see them out of clubs and he come up to me. I was twenty one.
He was like fifty and he come up to me go, what do you got for the ad in Spanish in Cuba Miss.
He used to say Get back always.
And I go, I've been in the aspirin and he got comp. They walk away from me, my one family doctor whenever I went to see him.
The best twenty years is with my doctor.
I couldn't give him nothing hand to hand, but I walked into his office, put it on his desk, and then I go to the examination room. I never gave them a blow. I just gave them like lollipops and brownies. I mean, one time I went in and he's like, Listen, man, I found money in brownies one night and I ate it. Holy shit. Next thing you know, I was making a steak sandwich at 4:00 in the morning.
What the fuck was that thing? Oh, yeah. And then my heart doctor, now he's the best. That's the best doctor that he's got three Stenton is doing blow. He's so Quaaludes in Chicago.
He's a fuckin nut, but I love them, love them to death. Joey, what do you what do you think happens to the country maybe. Yeah. How does this when you look at it, how does this even out? Listen, first of all, I'm going to be as long as I can with you.
I don't know what red means and what blue means. I've never I grew up hanging out with guys that were Democrats. I rip signs down as a kid for people. I did all that political dirty shit as a kid. And guess what? By the age of 13, I saw the theft at the municipal level. I couldn't imagine the thievery at the presidential the senatorial level and the governor level. I couldn't imagine what the thievery was. OK, I saw it firsthand as a child.
I was involved with it. I saw the payoffs. I went to Long Island with this family. I saw this shit. I saw how things got done, you know, so I lost my faith in it seems like I don't really believe. And I think it's all a bunch of bullshit. Joe Rogan is running for president. I got a drug that is going to hook people. It's going to fuck people up. I donate five million to Joe Rogan.
Joe Rogan makes a few calls and gets that drug passed. And every year I donate five million to Joe Rogan that it's a little more complicated than that.
But that's in the same fucking neighborhoods. In the same neighborhood. You in the same fucking neighborhood? No, I'm agreeing with you. Buy yourself into this.
So you know what, as far as politics, I never trusted. So this this claim me as a politician, I'm talking about as a human being, I see a lot of despair. I see a lot of fear. I see you know, yesterday somebody put a thing up and they said that they shut the clubs down in San Diego. And I don't thank fucking God. A lot of people said shit to me. I'm like, I'm not saying because of that.
I'm saying because the social despair, I think that if you're in a parking lot doing comedy and a guy just went home and his wife broke up with him and all of a sudden he checks the mail, he's losing the house and he gets in his car to go for a ride. You know, how many farmers markets do people get that? Because especially lately people have been running through people lately. I don't want to see some guy run through a parking lot.
La Hoya, I hit a bunch of people watching a comical car. Right now is not a time to do comedy. You know what? People want to laugh, but that that they're their moral compass is off. We're confused. Do we wear a mask? Do we not wear masks? Is there a disease? Am I going to get unemployment? Am I going to get evicted? There's a lot of things going on in people's minds. You know, people snap on a daily basis is just getting caught on the four or five about, you know, I expect a huge amount of people losing it.
You've got to be well grounded. Yes, thank God I do copy you. I get on I get up in the morning. I do some shit. I do too it and I got on a mountain bike. I can't ride, but I got in a mountain bike all the way to cold water.
Beautiful. And I come back and I get vitamin D and then I watch my pussy move and then I do what I gotta go do so I get all that shit out of the way. I don't watch no TV. I don't want to hear it no more. You put caller Eric in World News tonight is number one. Watch out. Why? Because they're just selling your shit disasters. They're just selling you disaster. I don't watch it. The TV wasn't allowed in my house to six, not seven.
And then I don't watch Jeopardy! A game of watching that shit fucked me up because it makes me feel too old. When I had coffee, I had coffee at seven fifteen. Yeah. Who is it? It's Joey. I'm here to call for Joe. Hold on one second. Come in. I do. Mrs. Rogan. How are you doing Joey. Mrs Roguish. Hold on. And she's watching Jeopardy! So when I was a kid, if you watch Jeopardy, you were an old person.
Sort of Jeopardy comes on now I get pissed off. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing home? Because when Jeopardy comes on seven o'clock, you and I are getting ready. Go on stage. That's a good show, though. That's a good show. I know. Don't watch the show. I don't I get like one answer per show. It doesn't matter. Yeah, I'm a dumb fuck. But what I'm saying to you is for the last thirty years, you and I at seven o'clock, a certain adrenaline goes into our body and redbone included.
You mean get ready to perform comedy. Yeah, for sure. At seven o'clock something would happen to me that it would change. I go from being a dad husband get to shit talking to my daughter. I'm going to the Comedy Store. Yeah. I gotta go sharpen the sword. You know, I'm saying seven o'clock you start thinking about new things, you know, the toilet paper fucking you know, all this shit.
You write it down, you take a shower. I'd have my. Process. Yeah, I do a four shot espresso. I do two bong hits. I take a shower, get out, do it up, get my fucking car gobal Laurel Canyon. I'd be behind in sometimes I was shot down Laurel Canyon. Fucking tremendous. And also, I'm not going to take them away. Yeah. You don't think we're suffering. We would just we've learned to deal with it.
Well we got to take it away in the nicest time ever for comedy. This is a thing like people that don't that didn't go to the Comedy Store, that weren't Comedy Store regulars.
There's an image of the Comedy Store that I think is from the darker days where people thought of the comic stores. The comics are mean and shitty to each other and that it's like that the industry never goes there. It's like a dark place, like a dangerous place. But when we got shut down in March, that those last few years are probably the nicest, friendliest years in the history of the store. People were so nice to each other. There's so many people that were supporting each other.
And because everybody had podcasts, like everybody kind of fed off of each other doing that. And so it was beneficial to everybody to pump you up, like to let you like you let me know about Jeremiah. You you let me know about Tony Hinchcliffe. We let each other know about these guys and everybody sort of circulates and everybody does well together is a real good environment. Man felt good. Every time you go there, it was all hugs and everybody's laugh and it was like, I love that new tag or this or that.
It's it's fun. It was a good time. It was one of the most positive places I've ever been to in terms of like a community for comedians. It was super supportive and it was like that for years, man. Like for the first year I was back, I was like, I can't believe I'm back for a show I did back was yours.
Yeah, that was fun, actually. Doug Stanhope, I opened it up, remember, he was just like crazy out here.
Yeah. I feel my whole time at the Comedy Store, which is 23 years, was pretty fucking good. You know, I didn't come out here to do anything. I came out here. I was a criminal and comedy one. You know, I used to be I was a criminal and a comic and comedy one. Beat it.
Yeah, but I always joke your thing was always that you would come from a very unsteady, unsteady base and you could tell you were like a loving guy, but you had to get to know you. Yeah. You got to you have to get through you and then and then you were really loving guy, but there was this like the bridge you had to cross.
But I knew a lot of people like you. I knew I knew people like, you know, not as funny as you, but I knew people that were like brilliant but crazy in this sort of same sort of way. And it was always the same thing. There's always like their childhood was all fucked up or there was there's a missing there. There's some shit that goes wrong there. In the end, when you develop like that, when you grow like that and like such a chaotic experience like yours, there's this is you know, it's hard, it's harder.
But when you get through, you get through with gifts. That's what's interesting about it. It's like it's harder for you than a person that had, like, your normal Norman Rockwell mom and pop sort of a life. It's harder for someone like you. It's much more emotionally difficult. You go through much more want for for love. There's you not you know, you don't feel support. You don't feel stable. You grow up like that. And it's it's very hard to write yourself as an adult because all of us come out of our childhood, which we don't really have any control over who our parents are and we don't.
We have very little control over our experiences when we're kids.
But we come out of that shit shaking, like when we get onto the road finally, like not everybody comes on to that road with the same amount of stability, like some people come on that road and like, my mom is awesome. My dad and my mom love each other. Yeah. And they just going down the road and other people like, who am I? My uncle fucked me and I'm done coke and I'm only fifteen and that there's a lot of those people out there too.
It's like a matter of like writing it, a matter of like getting it stable, a matter of like getting your life in a position where you feel like you can make good decisions and you're in control of it.
And it's not the same for everybody. And I knew when I met you you were a good guy. I know. I knew you were a good man.
I knew that, too. I knew right away. I didn't question that. But I knew you just how long I was going to. Last year, you were distracting yourself with other shit. I didn't know how long I was last here.
I thought this was just going to be a fluke. Then I would end up in New York selling coke. And the story is that I became a regular. I broke the record. I became a regular within a month. Did you really? Yeah. I landed here January 20.
That's amazing. I became a regular February 19th on my 30th birthday.
Well, you caught you at the right time.
She caught me at the right time and everybody kept saying to me has meant senior. That's amazed Mizzi senior. So I didn't really go through the whole thing. So now let's go back to that area. That area. That arrow was hard at the store. I had to follow morning every night and day, Tiree and a bunch of crazy people after 11:00, it got crazy in there and then ultimately going.
Clean house, and, you know, it was just a different I saw three different phases of the storm. Yeah. Then we saw the other phase with that fucking Lorelle engine and his little crew. And I didn't go there for seven years. And then came the Adam fucking era, which was pretty fucking goddamn special, pretty special. Got so special that I got overly special, like Tuesday nights were fucking just like you had to go down there prepared for war.
Like Tuesday night. When you watch like Rambo before, he's going to want to go somewhere or at The Expendables.
Yeah. There. See him sharpening knives and getting all the equipment up and shit like before they go to war. Bradley Cooper in the sniper. That's how we were on Tuesday night. Like we had to sharpen our fucking knives. You had to take your alpha brain. You didn't get high all day like, you know, Tuesday you had to go down and bring it back. Yeah.
Yeah. It was pretty sharp and interesting and epic. And but then on the other side of that, it started becoming monotonous for me. It was like I was on the road or I was at the Comedy Store. I was on the road, always the comedy store. I was at home. I didn't do anything else for like three or four fucking years. And my mad at that. No, no, no, no. I wish I would have gone to more parties.
Maybe. Yeah, maybe more concerts. I wish I would have done some myself. When I went to New York last year to shoot The Sopranos, I saw my friends and I saw how they live now and who they were now. And we met every night. We went to a different great restaurant for dinner and then a quarter to nine they'd be on it. And I'd be happy as fuck that they were yawning because I'm just as fucking tired when I kids know more and we would go our separate ways and I go back to my hotel.
I know that was tremendous. And that's what you do now. Yeah, but I went out every night with a different one to a different restaurant and everybody has families, you know, it just became something different for me. Yeah. I wanted to go somewhere else. I would go to Texas with you. I'll let you know I love me to death, but. I want to go home. I want to I want to eat it. I want to go to some of these houses and have the feast of seven fishes.
OK, I'm sick and tired eating the shit that I've been gone for 30 years.
I've been gone since 83, went back 18 months of homelessness, and then nine months in 93 to become a comic to do open mikes with my machete at the New York Comedy Club across the street from where Castellino got shot. I played the game dog. Then I went back to Colorado and got into fucking, you know, with the Xed and the barber Bob and the fucking smack and the Glock guy and then getting thrown out. And I ended up in Seattle and then two years there.
And Stan Hope lured me down here and they had developmental deal. And I stand helplessly down here. I did New Years with them.
Where in Seattle, 96, 97. He's like, you're wasting your time up here because you're ready. But I had worked them like the time before that. So he's like, I got bunk beds. You're wasting your time. And I go, you know what? I got to go down and shoot a pilot. Anyway, CBS is paying me like twenty grand.
How do they find you Thanksgiving the night before Thanksgiving in Seattle.
What were you doing?
I was on stage and someone asked, why don't you do something? He was from Seattle. Why? He went home for the holidays and I got on stage. The guy's like, Listen, I've been looking for a guy like you for three weeks.
Can you read? Yeah, meet me tomorrow. I'm going to put you on tape.
I got a pilot because we want you to be. It was it was really fucked up. They wanted my character to be Spanish, but they didn't want them to look Spanish. It was CBS's answer to NYPD Blue. It was a show called Bronk Something, something. And I came down and I was the worst actor in the world.
I started out with like 19 pages, all the cops and the A's were coming to the bar and I would check my information so shit. And every day that I went and rehearsed every day, they took a page out. Every day they took a page. I went down there. By the time they shot the pilot, I had no lines. I just nodded. I was terrible. And I was like, OK. I never been to an acting class before.
I was staying at six in the morning and going there at eight. What's his name was the director. Who what's his name. The guy who played the doctor. You've got to think about this one because he's big time. He played a doctor in the movie with Tom Cruise, with the Naked Women. When did she get the chick has a heart attack. He's fucking a young chick. And Tom Cruise has to help him with the chick because the chick is dead.
He's a big time motherfucker. And then he played movies.
What's that fucking movie cocktail guy? And this guy is now this guy.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What's the movie? I never saw L.A..
What's going with Cruise where he sneaks into the party and there are a bunch of freaks. He's he's married to the fucking Australian chick at the time, Nicole Kidman, Nicole Kidman and him and Nicole Kidman have a fight.
So he goes, oh, yeah, eyes wide shut. He played that the Kubrick one. That's a brilliant movie. But whoever played the doctor that he has, the girl look bulked up. All right. He also played the doctor. You ready to Johnny Sack in The Sopranos? Really? He was the one that kept saying, I shot my wife, the mailman man, and I was already going down. So I shot the maid to he was the doctor and he turned the shades and he goes he tells them, Dr.
Friedman, that guy, he directed me in this and he loved me in the beginning. At the end, he wouldn't even look at me. He would just shake his head. I was I didn't know how to fucking act. It's hard. How can you put me on CBS? I just came. I'm doing comedy six years.
Some people can just fucking do it.
So I got it. No, then I got to do it more. But that was the first time I did say action. I go, what?
It's crazy when like an athlete does it when an athlete and then they're really good, you know, like Jesus Christ.
Like how hard is it to act? This guy just came off the fucking bench like there's a lot of athletes have done, like who else has done, like, amazing jobs? The athlete thing is weird, right? Because at least comedian Kareem Abdul Jabbar fucking rappers really stole the game.
Credibility, Ice Cube, Ice Cube, fucking Friday right there. Are you fucking crazy? Actors are the best example or excuse me.
Rappers are the best in class is. No, nothing. Yeah, they just took it by the horns. They know how to act.
Why. No one's better than that. Cooper, stop and think about it. Like think about how many rappers, high level rappers became high level actors.
So to pop some weird movies show he made juice which wasn't in juice. I think so, yeah. What about the one where he played the jockey with the guy and the hot black chick? How crazy is that?
The Tupac was a huge movie star as well as a huge rap star.
At the same time, I love the poetic justice. He was tremendous and poetic justice. He did a lot of movies.
You, Janet Jackson, did you ever see Bullitt with Mickey Rourke? Yes. That was the most one of the most ridiculous movies time.
Terrible, terrible. But it was interesting to see the two of them together.
That was Mickey Rourke react. Do you see a big Mickey Rourke was in that in that movie go to go to that movie? Like there's there's videos of it like Mickey Rourke in a tank top.
He was fucking the guy next to him with the white shirt. Shaq guy was married to Traci Lords. You know, that's your buddy George.
So that's, you know, with the one that, you know, I like the Tracy Lloyd, I might add. You play the drums jumping up and down with it. What are you talking about? Buying the supplements? What's his fucking name?
I don't know the guy. Joe, don't lie to me. Well, look, right. That where that guy was one of the best looking men and some guy fuckin was in that movie with Mickey Rourke.
It's his he's fucking he's his brother photographer. Oh, he's his brother. And he's fucking two chicks in a disco. He's I saw that guy. Who is that guy walking the dog.
Find out what his name is.
Jamie, please, sir, you keep that's Mickey Rourke.
No, I'm a guy that's holding hands with bow downward dog. He's holding hands down with down with. I go that's no I'm the sun.
That guy that santé showing his name off. OK, he came to this a world move. Look at their half cropped shirt.
He came to the store one night. He played Mickey. Brother in this movie, Bullock, and the other thing was that he was married to Tracy Lord Mayor John Enos, that good looking motherfucker, good looking, no more.
But in this movie, you would suck his dick back in 96. Yeah, he was fucking smokin. He was very, very good looking.
This is a strange move into this very strange movie. Is that that dude is that that guy, Ben, the guy who was driving the car with the.
He won the Academy Award years later. It's Adrien Brody. Yeah. That guy. Yeah. Everything was going good.
A seven up commercial. And they told me, get the fuck out of here. How do you win the Academy Award?
Like a sarcastic commercial. Is that what happened?
Something where they shot him down and actually did a Schostak or something? I don't know. That's all you can.
I don't know, man. You got a lot of blood for you. Yes, of course. Thank you, bro.
You can have some of mine. I'm all right, guys. That's all. It was tremendous. I got one right here. Just got swabbing your nose.
I know she took things out of my nose that we need to find out to find out what's keeping you going, make sure everything's OK.
I did the antibodies test, but then the dentist told me you got Joey. The antibodies is no good.
The FDA approved one is good because whether or not you've had it, it's a respiratory illness.
You shouldn't be in your blood. So that's what she said. That's why I did the swab, to be honest with you. And I didn't want to faint. I think that the weirdest moments, Joe, but that's not real. Whatever she just said, that's not true.
OK, well, it's in your blood for sure. Everybody's foushee now, OK? Is that the best way to find out right in front of you? Right in front. Thank you.
But the best way to find out apparently is you draw blood and then they do an analysis of the blood.
But the pin prick is FDA approved and the swab lets you know if you have like recent infections.
And I got to tell you right here, because, you know, I'm a man's man. I know you're a man's man. I tell you the truth all the time. I know you do. I made jokes about Dana White's Fire Island. I want to apologize to you because, look, he did it right. The bubble worked. Yeah. Now he looks like a hero. The bubble worked. And unless everybody adheres to the bubble, then it's not going to work for a while.
Film crews are figuring it out. Now, you haven't heard of Tyler Perry. Any complaints? No. But have you don't check your fucking junk email? I do lately, because I get all the emails and I got to tell you something. You got to read this shit like what they have to do. Yeah.
That's why a lot of them and they're trying to do it fucking you know, menza most people are showing up, going, this ain't going to work. Yes, I'm going to work. Tyler Perry already put you in a bubble.
He picks you up advertize. You get hired, you go do a test 16 days from when they pick you up in Van Nuys and you go to Van Nuys Airport, they give you another test, you get on a personal plane, you fly to Atlanta. When you get off the plane, they do it again, quarantined for 24 hours. And then you put into three groups, group A, group C, Group B, you can mingle with B or C, and you got access to A more hotel worker, little area outside everybody.
Social distancing that one fucking complaint. But everybody is doing it.
What? I found this out. I got pissed off. This is my life. I've been paying dues just like you. I don't want to do movies and I don't want to do TV, but I got to finish this movie. I thought that I read something in the L.A. Times that said that by adding covid to movies, it's going to add a million dollars to the budget, like it's gonna cost a million dollars to do it properly.
Charise, which is show which is which is fine.
Bryans, I didn't call from Brian I my fucking hand have a courtesy hat.
So for you to for you to shoot a real movie like that, you have to have two nurses doing overtime. Yeah.
They're going to get better work at the White House. It's almost 20 minutes. You know what they're doing? What they're hiring fucking out of work actors to get certified on line. Then they put them on the set. The to hold the test and fucking, you know, separate it can't do that, I pay dues. I want to fucking nurse that bitch. Yeah.
You know, well, it's the problem is if you catch it and you are not healthy, you don't have a good immune system, your older compromised, maybe you get some sort of a condition already. It's not good. So asking people to work where there's a one out of 10 chance or one out of 20 chance or whatever the number is that you might catch it. That's a new ask. That never was the question. The question was, hey, do you want to work at UPS, Mike?
How much does it pay? What are the hours? OK, I'll do it. It wasn't like you might die. You might catch this disease that you die from. It's not likely. But you're everyone knows someone who at least knows someone who died from it.
So it's like, fuck, how bad do I want this job? Or you could stay home and take six hundred bucks from the government or whatever it is. The most people are going to say they didn't take that money. Did you downsize your life? Just figure out a way to save money. Because it's that if you work at a supermarket, it used to be you just worked at a supermarket, it didn't used to be you come in contact with someone that might have something that can kill you and it's killing people.
Not a lot. Not a lot. But that does not give you any comfort when you're lying there with tubes in your nose. If you're one of those people that gets it and gets it real bad, like Michael Yo and you're in a hospital and you think you might be going, Michael Yo, Jeffrey Gurian, Frankie, Big Balls and Chris.
We're sitting in the green room together that Friday night, they all got it except Chris, he didn't get it. No, really. Jeffrey got it. Hospitalise big ball beat. Lisa Lampanelli, a great guy. You got it. I think he was hospitalized and has his last blog. I read from him. He was on oxygen treatment. Jesus and Michael Yo got it.
Michael Yo was here months later and he said he was still struggling with fatigue.
So he looked great when I saw him, he was like, if you saw him, you would think, oh, he's 100 percent recovered. Like he looked like he's ready to go do a triathlon. But he said no. So he still gets tired, easy. He doesn't feel the same. That's the of war. Yeah, this is weird, so like I get it, man, I get people not wanting to work. I fucking get it.
I'm not saying people should go back to work. I'm saying people should have the option. And I know, yeah, everybody, man, everybody should have the option, everybody should have the option. This is not a normal time. Like this is not a normal it's not a normal scene. So if you don't want to work, how much does the government have to give you a week?
It's a good question. This should be an honest discussion that we should figure out, like how much money you get paid. Yeah, that's the rent things to rent. That's crazy.
No, you can't you can't just have people broke like this for five months and not even let them work. This is what we're seeing. We're seeing people that are there. Everyone has a hair trigger. Everybody's ready to go off. That's not good for any of us.
No, it's not a smart we look at the restaurants and the restaurants are open.
You and I try to support restaurants fucking four times a day.
Oh, yeah. Tacos, 94. Oh, my God. It's like abusing my body to support them. No tacos. Nineteen eighty six just up in Burbank.
It's shit that's hot shit. So I love restaurants.
I try to support the local restaurants but I know that make them but they're not making much and they're keeping the employees open. That's why I tip as much as I can.
Hmm. Jamie just handed me to Biden, announced Harris for VP. OK, Kamala Harris, fearless fighter for the little guy, the country's finest public servants. As my running mate, they might win. She's a powerful lady. Click on her name. Very good at talking. Yeah, she was that lady that she got into it with, Tulsi Gabbard. At the end of the primaries, people died and I know that one of them might be the vice president of the United States.
I think that fuckin Trump won the election on Saturday when he gave people money because money talks and bullshit walks. If I got a check in the mail from Trump to 600, he bought my vote. Right.
The thing about it is, though, I don't think I think it relies on the state paying 25 percent in a state like states like California is bankrupt.
Yeah, like I'm talking about the other day, 50 percent.
You had me scared that when you add up the state income tax with the federal income tax, it's in the neighborhood of fifty four percent increase.
Yes, the increase in California wants to do like they're trying to figure out a way to buy the way out of some of the problems that we have.
I get it. I don't know what the fuck they should do. I'm a moron. I shouldn't be the mayor or the governor. I am not going to do it. It's not in my wheelhouse. I would not balance the budget. I would not I'm not to pay attention or it's not me, man. I got things to do.
I'm worried about space. All right? I'm not worried about your budget, but somebody has to do it and I have to do it right and give them more money. It's not going to it's not going to fix it. They need a fucking real plan. No one's telling us how to get out of this economically. No one's telling us how to get out of this health wise.
Everybody's bitching. Yeah. This is the first time we've been caught with our patch that, yeah, I'm not mad at anybody. I can't really be mad at anybody because everybody got caught with their pants down. How we've handled it at times, it's kind of weird. It's not just that. It's not just that we look vulnerable as a nation because we handled it stupid.
We we had a big giant surge. Again, it's like we were we were doing real well. Everything was trending down. We have a big giant surge again. Now people are going out now. Places that weren't getting it are getting it again.
We didn't do such a good job. It's not you know, and the problem is if the country is locked up and we basically are a big percentage of everybody's locked down and we're economically fucked and we're scared to do things. So we're probably not that healthy. We're not not as healthy as we normally are. And there's not as much money and people aren't working well. Well, what this is not a strong country that like the country's only strong if everything strong with the economy strong, the military strong, the government strong.
When the economy is fucked and the people are unhealthy like that is that's the backbone of the whole country. This is a vulnerable country. That's where it gets weird.
We don't ever want to think that we like oh, we don't have to worry about that anymore, but of course we do. That's history histories. Countries taking over country's history is countries figuring out a way to dominate other countries. Who knows what they're doing today to each other? I mean, we hear about like Russian interference. Who knows what kind of fucking viruses we have all that.
And this thing is going to be a party that that is the biggest scam in the fucking world.
That is the biggest fucking scam in the world already. The post office is running fucking behind. Never mind all those ballots. That's a scam. That's a scam. And it happened. It's terrible.
I wonder what the best way to do it is, though. What if it turns out the post office is the best way to do it?
Like maybe it takes more time, but maybe they're better at bro. You know what? You never stuff boxes for twenty dollars.
Look the other way. No, I never stuff boxes, stuff boxes. But I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey. What do you mean by stack boxes? I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey. I was a Cuban kid that stumbled upon a fight one day and stuck up for Italian kid and they made me part of their family. But the other part of the family was that they were political. And he was the other side of the wing for politics, remember, there's a man and he shows up with a guy like you that's intelligent, but then he also has a guy like me.
And I do weird things for him. I let people know what is what the mayor wants done. Yeah. And I got to be very I was that guy's son, uh, I was his son.
I became his son that his son died and I really became his son. So I didn't know what I was doing. He would just go go like this on five point fifty dollars in your pocket. And that's all I went. And did he tell me to go pick up this? I went and picked this up. He told me to go do this. I still remember how I met most of my friends today from that election. Wow. The 76 election column in Coulombe.
And I mean, they were battling on the street. I want to tell you about Jersey Knuckleheads. Yeah. You know, we're throwing rocks at each other. And then at night, we were paid to go down your side and then the next night your people ripped down our sides. And then whoever puts aside of each one on, we all have a fucking memory of that. So if I side with Joe Rogan in North Bergen and Joe Rogan loses, I'm always will pack my bags because they're going to dump me from a teacher, the janitor.
That's how they get you in Jersey.
So they were all put signs on the lawn for the guy that they support. Let everybody know this is the way you're my friend.
They holding you vote for Harry Spalding. He's a good man.
They come to your house, they knock on your door and they tell you you're going to vote for those who are going to vote for these guys. It's going to be fine. We'll take your brother in law needs a job. The retaught, right.
It sounds like a nightmare place to live, by the way. You think. What do you do if my parents get away from me? That's I don't tell you. Move it back. No, no, no, no, no. That's Hudson County politics. That's how it used. Listen, in Hudson County, Jamie, if you'd like to verify no mayor in Hudson County has ever just vacated. They've all either been put in prison or died.
Every mayor, the active mayor, not broken now is very good. He has changed the town. His name is Misako. He's very good. Very good. That town is clean, Bobby. Cameras everywhere. You do something, there's a curfew at night, very clean. In fact, they just had a write up about The New York Times where most of the people are moveinto.
It's my hometown, North Bergen and down the hill. Edgeware, you know, lives in Edgewater.
Is that Frankie Edgar? We know he's in Toms River. Toms River.
You don't want to name a rapper. Jay-Z, name a rapper.
He lives there. I t really naughty by nature. I mean, that's all. That's all.
The baseball players live in Edgewater, so it's right above Edgewater, all that Hudson County, Hoboken with Geno's, a cop and all that. Oh, OK. That's Hudson County. They play by their own rules. They do it a different way. And you got to pick a side, you've got to pick a side. And if you don't pick a side and that side loses boom, you've got to live in that home town to work. I now and then they fuck with you.
It's a whole with with the wrong side. But it's tremendous. It's a way to keep everybody in line. Everybody knows where they stand.
Once you go, you go. Those guys, they put their hand the back of your neck.
Those guys tell you, oh yeah, this is this we're going to do we're going to do this, OK?
And they're holding the back of your neck. Like, what kind of conversation is this? Like, you're not squeezing my neck yet. But it seems like what happens if I don't vote for this guy?
Probably one of the most interesting ones that you would never watch be you read about. I think Jamie is watching the season two of narcos when they rigged the election in Mexico and they try to do it with the computer and they get busted. And then they actually just sent narcos to the fucking voting stations. They put a gun to your head and go for another zero next to that. No, whoa, 1987. The elections in Mexico were so fucking crooked because the government that was coming in was going to side with the United States and that could never happen.
They were going to lose millions of dollars so that government had a win. And when you watch it play out in the series, you like, but when you read about it, you like what the fuck? They caught them red handed. It's like you catch me taking this and you go enjoy. That's mine. Yeah, mine and walking out of here like it was that cold blooded of an election dumb. The fucking guy had to resign years later, but it was that brutal because they figured they weren't going to win the election in Mexico City.
So they went to all these former places and all those motherfuckers got beat up. So forget about Mexico City, we're going to lose Mexico City. It was what's the name of the Pyra, the PRI? The PRI is an organization, tremendous storyline.
On how they needed that government to win so they could keep getting drugs into this country and how the CIA was even involved in that election, but it was the narcos who went out to the small villages and Falken put guns to put a zero on that number.
It is one of the craziest things about being an American is that we're connected to a country that's feeding us drugs and is run by cartels. And everybody's like.
Well, they had a town in Mexico during this that the cartel said that they saw you on the streets and out of face masks, they shoot you. This other countries, such a small village, yeah, that it would destroy the village, so the narcos got involved and said if you go out without a face mask and put a bullet in your head. There's something about people who have power, whether it's you're the mayor or the governor or you're the narcos or you're a cop or something about people having that kind of power over your life like that with just a finger on a trigger, it's too much for most people to handle.
It's too much. Most people can't handle it. That's that's what you're saying the most people should not have the ability to just shoot you. You can't shoot them or they can shoot you. You don't listen. They could shoot you if you're running away. They shoot you come at them with a Taser.
They can shoot you like they need to, like, make a freeze gun or you could just freeze them.
That's not a bad idea that nobody could shoot life until you're a fucking cop. It's too hard to understand what that child like to stand entails.
You know why I started going to jujitsu so I could watch the UFC and not feel guilty? Because I can't nothing bothers me more when I see a blogger or an announcer that's never done the jumping jack and he's trying to cover the UFC. Nothing bothers me more than that. So I want you to understand, I grew up with guys that were cops. I talk to them. I saw how they had to blow steam off because of the things they saw.
Yeah, they used their power. They fucked around. They were all bad lieutenants, if you want to call it. But the job itself, unless you're doing it, man, it's weird. It's so weird. It's a weird job. It's that you live in a different world than everybody do. I appreciate that. I've been arrested. How many times I've been arrested?
A million. I never had been arrested a million times. I've never had one. Never had a problem with a cop. I even had a couple over the Chinese restaurant one time and let me get food handcuffed because I said, well, you got good cops and you're a good guy.
And yet. No, no, I've never said the word pig on any podcast. When I went to jail, I went to jail on my own accord. It was my problem. Yeah. I've never given a cop a problem when they interrogated me all. I like you. I'm fine.
If you want to get interrogated, you interrogate me. I'll talk to you about the Cuban Missile Crisis.
I'll get you the pigs. Those two white dudes in bold freeze to death. I am confused to death. I was taking them on psychological rides. Let me tell you something. The one I faced on Facebook and started torturing him. What is he, some dumb he would try to get you?
He lives in Telluride and he was involved in the JonBenet Ramsey case. So when I mentioned this name on the podcast, one time people started sending me messages like, oh, you know, we go to school with this kid. Is kids a fucking moron?
Right. Like like his kids, like, became a criminal. But the dad has gotten them out of trouble all his life. The kids are fucking criminal. So they taught the same people from Facebook. Helped me when they they go, yeah, buddy. The cop retired. So I sent them an email.
Hey, Facebook. Hey, listen, congratulations on your retirement. Check out Joey. This is on YouTube, cocksucker.
And I know you read it, but he fucking reply.
That's Larry. Put that dog listen to what I did to that dude. Just there was two of them, right? There was a big white dude that the white dude. This is the fucking crazy thing.
I was not wanted, but I was questioned on the credit card situation in August of eighty five. Somebody had destroyed that mall with a credit card and somebody said, I fit the description. So these two cops with uniforms kept asking me questions. I worked at Footlocker and they keep showing up every day. And we talk to you.
Yeah, the jewelry store says you listen pretty soon.
You know, they didn't have cameras, DANIJEL, so they kept saying, pretty soon we're going to start getting the receipt and you'll have to go in for whatever. And they would come in every day and shake me down. And I would go, guys, if I was a fucking credit card thief, would I be working for a like. So I was just buying time. I knew they were going to catch me.
Eventually that one cop even came to my house on a Sunday night, knocked on my door and said, we're getting the jean sizes tomorrow. You might as well turn yourself. And I'm like, Oh, you want to get the fuck off my doorstep that night. That morning, I went to San Francisco. A year later, I got arrested for kidnap and he gets promoted to detective. He doesn't remember me from the credit card thing the whole time.
I'm sitting there going, what is this fucking cop going to remember me from the credit card thing? So you've got to remember, I turn myself in when I turn myself in. And I press that buzzer and they open that door or the cops drew their guns on me and said, get on the floor. That was part of the kidnap and kidnapping. Two, they didn't know what I was packing, what type of person I was. So they handcuffed me, put me in a room that was white, made me wait for a half hour.
Then they came in and played their technique, which I've been doing the people all my fucking life. You know, I'm the one that would break into Joe Rogan's house and steal one shoe.
Somebody you take it out to be one shoe. Horrible and it's horrible. And then you steal that one favor best. You take one shoe and you throw it away. That destroys people psychologically for years. They'll keep looking for that one shoe. What happened then?
Every time you see him, you find that, you know, I fucking searched every time Brittas. Oh yeah. I'm a fucking dirty bastard. I know how to fucking flip flop. So these guys get you in to get me into the interview room and they ask me what's going on and I'm talking to them. I don't know what happened. The guy showed up, the guy pulled the gun. Next thing you know, I was home and then like, so what happened to the guy with the machine gun?
I don't know. Did you know I'm not alone, you know? So how did you get there? I had a bike, but you just said you drove. Yeah, I drove to get the bike to I was just fucking with them because I wanted to get out because Don Johnson was Mary and she's still on Miami Vice that night. I had to be home by nine. That's all I cared about was sweating. So I'm fucking with the cops.
I'm like, I'm just going to go in and talk to them, tell them the truth, that, yeah, I went over there, they were selling drugs when I left. I had nothing to do. What, kidnap? What are you talking about? So we went back and forth for like six hours and I still remember them sitting there, like with their hands down and me talking about like, you know, my uncle came from Cuba in 1952 and he was fucking this guy.
And they're like, what's this got to do with what we're talking about? Thug I tormented and then I agreed to give the guy information.
And I would just give them, like red drivers, hey, that's what swear to God in that prison, I would give him Jaimie's license plate. Jaimie's not a drug dealer, but I would tell him that Jamie was running kilo's internationally from Europe. They would fuck and they would go to Jamie's life.
Imagine Jamie was doing that and then they wouldn't find nothing. So they would figure out the fucking Jamie. I was playing them. I was just giving them fake license plates. How long do you do this for? Six months. They thought that would the real this real business guy, he runs big Coke from Columbia. He knows the Ochoa brothers now. Yeah.
So you were just making up this crazy narrative. Oh, yokels. I was tormenting these two cops, but the one cop wasn't going for it. He didn't like me personally.
And of course, I let him know I didn't like him personally. It's a movie. It was a fight. I let him know I hated him more than what he hated fucking me. That's what I did.
I let him know I hate him more. And every time we went to court, he would sit there across from me. But I had a good attorney and it was burning him up because he wanted me for kidnapping. But I'm not dog. You didn't find no fingerprints on nothing. Sorry, Charlie, not this time. So he was chomping at the thing. He went to all the hearings and said that, you know, they're like, we don't see nothing else on the record.
So if there's nothing else on the record, this is you against him. No, that doesn't work that way. He kept saying I was violent, man, I was going to kill the community. You know, he was one of those white evangelist type guys. He even was so mad at me that he joined forces with my ex-wife in court afterwards for like child hearings and shit like that. That's how crazy it got. Oh, my God.
He was there when I went off one day, Cuban style. And that's the last time I saw Cuban style.
Oh, what good. I know the last time I went to court, remember the last time I went to court with my wife, it was the same judge that sentenced me. Oh, no, only he was in civil court now. But he is the beauty. I kept writing them letters every month because that's the type of motherfucker I am. Write them letters from the minute I got sentenced to jail.
Well, the letters say, how are you doing, Judge Belafonte? My name is Joy Diaz. Thank you for your sentence. I'm starting to learn what it's all about to be a man. For the last 28 years, I've been running amuck every month, every month. On the first he got a letter from me. When I got to the jail, I doubled up. I got a job as a car salesman. I really enjoy it.
Thank you for giving me the everybody back. Never. Wow. No, but I wrote them letters, wrote them letters, wrote them letters, wrote them letters, I got out of jail February of 89. I wrote them letters. I went in front of them in May of 95. He was a civil judge and I was still writing them letters. I told them I was trying comany. I was getting divorced. My wife was breaking my balls.
We end up in court in front of him. The fucking boyfriend's got a stake over as I smacked them because he called me espec, so I smacked them in the face. It's safer. So they're trying to get me for assault. Oh, yeah, man.
This afternoon it was the judge say and the judge goes, No. One, you got your case out because it's it's a city limits of boulder. You can't use a racial slur. If you use a racial slur in the city limits, someone else beat your ass. You get it's called the Jay Flanagan Law. And number two, then he attacked my wife. He was like, listen, you fuckin come back in here again with this shit. It's contempt of court.
Hmm. And so all those years of writing paid off all those years, so my wife got mad, the ex got mad, I'm a walk out of that was when I did something that to this day I regret it was that bad, like how bad I went off. But it was four years of getting tortured, think of you tortured me for four years, I'm financially done, I'm financially ruined, I'm trying to feature and I'm getting heat because I'm dirty.
Oh, I remember those days, you know, I'm saying, like, everything like that, that's the hard road.
So I was featuring in dirty bombs, but they would make me E.M.S. at the clubs and they made me work clean and read the announcements and shit.
Sometimes some know and they were just Oramics didn't want you on the show. A lot of comics, they want me on the show. You know, I wasn't that. No, no, I wasn't drawn heat. And no, I just was doing well. I was holding up actually.
Even when when I met you. When in the beginning you were dirty. Yes. Yes.
But for some people, that that's like a deal breaker.
I went clean for the first three years and it wasn't me. I was trying to be Lenny Clarke with his suit. I remember when he Clark first, but I like blacks and I love Richard Pryor.
Shout out to my friend Lenny.
Lenny had a bit of a medical situation come up, send them. I don't know, he was shot. And now, yeah, he had gone through some medical problems. He's a good man. He's a very good man.
I met him at the store and I told him exactly how I felt and why I wore a suit the first three years of my career. But it didn't work because of him, because I had I opened up for him the second time I ever got paid. First time I got paid warm, McDonald took me on the road, did a shitty gig in the middle of nowhere. Second time I got paid, I did Jase's in Pittsfield opening up for Lenny Clarke, and I couldn't believe it.
I couldn't believe Lenny Clarke, who I saw on TV and I'm hanging out with him and his brother and brother want to give me gigs. Mike Clarke, still good friend to this day. That was thirty one years ago.
I love that guy. How great is his journey. It's crazy. I work for Mike Clarke once in a restaurant where you'd be in the middle, you set in the fucking P.A. system would take over your microphone. Johnson party to your table's ready. They would they would cut you in the middle of your set. And I didn't know it until I got on stage. So I'm on stage talking to the crowd. And it just became the funniest part of the act was just making fun of how pathetic my life is.
I'm at a fucking fish restaurant down the cape and the middle of talking my fucking pie bits get cut off by people getting an allowance at their tables. Ready.
What's like those car shows? People just start honking their horns. It's like, all right, somebody kick off this kick out.
They don't do that, he said. They do that like at the end when they're laughing at stuff. No, there's a lot of like amateur open mic versions of stuff like that.
And that's like, you know, you got people just blasting their horn, you know, Mark Norman said it best.
Mark Norman is a very smart man. He said it best this methadone comedy, because I want my fix man. He goes, I want the real deal. I don't want this fucking part.
Comedy said he did. He said he bombed in a park and he actually heard crickets real quick.
Oh, God, that's hilarious. You know what? Don't you know? I worked real fucking hard.
I my joke gig was I worked on Wednesday nights in an Italian restaurant where the guy was the cook, but he was also an Elvis impersonator and he had been an Elvis impersonator for twenty years in Vegas. He met Elvis. He was the worst Elvis impersonator. He was Italian. He was one hundred and fifty pounds overweight. So he would bring you the food and then he would turn into Elvis. I would go up on stage, do ten, and then he would go up there and just put Elvis music on and sing over it.
That was my fifth year in comedy. I'm like, what am I going to do with my life? Every Wednesday night? That was my ten o'clock gig. It was like twelve people in the restaurant. He would go up there and sing his own and it's now or never.
Oh my God, he was fucking terrible.
And then I would have to sit throughout the whole show. He would give me spaghetti and meatballs to take home, which I don't have to tell you at that level. It's like a steak. It's breakfast. Lunch. Yeah. So I had to sit through his whole set. God forbid he did an encore every time he did an encore, we get heartburn for now. Please finish the song. Hmm. So I went through that shit. You know, that was I love all those stories.
I love stories, those stories. Terrible gigs they make. They make better. They make you better. But you can't live on a steady diet of them. It's like, here's the deal. You can't do deadlifts with 500 pounds every day.
You'll break your fucking back, you'll tear your knees apart, you rip your shoulders apart. But you could do it every now and then. You got to give your body enough time to recover and actually improve. If you do those fucking terrible health gigs every single night, it changes your act. You get you get armored, you lose your you lose your ability to, like, take pauses. You lose your ability to like like set up a point and then like, really hit it home hard, like changed tempos.
You have to keep on them. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Drunk bars you've got to keep on and bang, bang, bang, which is fine, but it's not. You shouldn't do it all the time. No, but I used Uncle Joey Concordia's method, which was I had an eleven forty five at the store, which meant I was really going up at 12, 15. I was a Coke junkie.
There was no way I was going to hold off till 12, 15. Are you doing, man?
So no, I got to write the plan out for to see that there's a method of my fucking madness.
OK, so in those days, Philippe's was I had a room with the bars and I had a room. All those guys had bar ropes. I knew in those days, but I had to prepare two different sets. I had to have my bar set, which was pretty, basically dirty. And you had to go I cappello because sometimes you got to go out during the Laker game. Yeah. You're not going to turn off like a game in Orange County.
They don't want little they love Joe Rogan. Yeah, but you got a penalty. Yeah.
Or not going to the Bruins back in Boston Bruins. It's not going to happen. So you've got to wait for the Laker game to go on.
You know, I'm going to go to George Perez fly. I still shot those guys guys out. Rudy Moreno.
All those guys had early gigs for us that fed us, gave you fifty, sixty bucks. And then you kill time, you stop the king and then you got to the store at eleven. Joe would be at Newsradio to ten thirty rehearsal. You would show up late and that's when I first met you. You were to rehearse Friday nights, you would shoot on Friday night and then we, you would do this part on Friday night. And I was going after you and you are on eleven thirty.
That was not ten, forty five days yet. Yeah. You were still getting a quarter to twelve. I was very lucky I didn't have a social life so I could just you know, I didn't have friends out here so I would just do the show and then go to the store and then hang out with those guys. I didn't really know anybody yet, so it was good. I got a lot of work done. But the thing about standup is.
What we had at the store that was really unusual was also what you were talking about with Tuesday nights, it was a murderer's row in the way that I've never seen before. Look, every night you would go there, it would be Jeselnik allies, Dilli you, Nick Swardson.
It was just murder after murder after we got. Ron Why? Oh my God. Ron Why would come and destroy Ali.
Ali was fancy dress, whatever his name was in Edward's own Smith Tom Saghir burqas. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Those lives were fucking death, man. You want to come out guns blazing. And a lot of people got upset at those lineups, though, like, I can't get a spot, I can't get a spot. This is fucked up. And they get mad. You know, I feel like these people don't respect me.
And there's like this talk. We need more women. There was all this talk. We need more this. We need more that. The bottom line is that was a murderer's row and it was so hard to find a spot because what are you going to do? You got Santino, you got Ian Edwards. You got all these people back to back to back to back that are just fucking killers. Killer after killer was a spot of firelighters with the goal of saving a big.
What is that from a spot of speed?
We want a spot. You got it.
You'd probably turn this volume down here.
What kind of whiskey is that, by the way? I mean, that's the closest to tasting a sample I've ever seen. This is just two different whiskeys. This is Buffalo Trace of the first stuff we had that you enjoyed. And this no stuff which I love is more Bringer of war. Master Edition, this is Josh Barnett's personal whiskey. Is that.
Yeah, that tastes like a man cowboy.
How do we have some of those packs now?
Is that over the very real quick how is it even possible we don't have lighters in this fucking place?
That's crazy. You don't wanna use a zippo either. You don't know because you get the fumes from the Zippo juice.
I have a lighter. How do we know we had some of somebody I gave them to you to hide. I think he's a good hider.
Look inside that skull. I probably hit him so well. I stole from myself.
Looking at the skull, maybe that was the worst comes to worst I've got in my car somewhere.
Maybe go to your car because this is just not happening.
How crazy is we've got to set Red Van out to his fucking car in order to get a lighter.
So I that's the first time you've ever handed me breaking news in the middle of a show. It is very important. Breaking news, the news of the I saw it literally within forty five seconds of him tweeting it out. So I was like, oh, what do I do here? Maybe should be a great president.
Let's see. They just switched positions. Oh. People keep telling me, dude, he's not there's nothing wrong with them, he just has a stutter. People keep saying that like everybody at 78 is fucked, everybody who's not fucked at 78. Find me a guy. Find me a guy when I'm 78.
Don't take any of my advice. I probably won't know what I'm talking about. I'll probably be high as a kite. Oh shit.
Burns a lighter and I'm seventy eight. I'll be like Tommy Chong High as a kite talking shit.
I love Tommy Chong. I love him too.
I've been doing comedy, virtual reality, and now it's the closest to feeling like you're in front of people. I thought that makes sense.
You doing it like in a oculist or is it a valve index? So it's like the best one good refresh rate. Can people record you? Yeah, yeah. But I live streaming it anyway, so it's there you go. But it's cool to test out new jokes because there's like twenty people there and they laugh and they react. They're all like, oh you know, like SpongeBob is excited.
Comedy is different with a small amount of people. There's like there's a good kind of comedy that you can get out of small amount of people. It's like you get an honest comedy because you can't put on like a stupid show for three people.
You have to, like, be you have to really talk to them, you know.
Yeah, it's weird. But you also don't get those big bits.
You're not going to develop big bits. Oh, no, it's all tax. It's all tax. It's all like new ideas and stuff like that.
Sometimes you have good bits, sometimes bits come from that, though it depends really entirely on how fun the people are. The audience member, anybody says that it doesn't. The audience doesn't matter. It's like it's not the audience, it's the comedian.
You're fucking crazy. You're crazy. Of course it's the audience. It's a bunch of people together. It's everybody like every single interaction between two people. Unless somebody comes up from behind you and hits you in the head, involves you and them interacting. There's a bunch of, you know, a lot of pieces in place. If there's a fucking group of people and then you're telling jokes, of course it matters who the audience is.
Whoever the fuck said that's an idiot. That doesn't matter. Yeah, it's it's not it's there's no such thing as a bad crowd, only a bad comedian. Fuck you. You don't know what you're talking about.
It's funny, I there's that peacock thing. It's an app from NBC. So they have it's free and you get like all these old episodes. And so I've been watching old Johnny Carson episodes and it's weird. The monologue is so interesting. It's like it's like history like, oh, we're going through the gas crisis of nineteen seventy nine or blah blah blah blah blah. But it's also interesting just to hear them talking about all that stuff like the old days and, and seeing Richard Pryor on with Betty Davis like they're smoking cigarettes while they're playing.
It's wow. So it's such an interesting time capsule that is.
Yeah. Those days man them bellbottoms days, bellbottoms and long collars.
People are living different then. Yeah. Can watch watching Letterman. Eighty two. That was my thing. When I first got turned on Letterman a friend of mine turned me on to Letterman. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Who's the first comic you saw? Live, yeah. The first comic I listen to. I can't fucking say the album cover because I'll get in trouble. I went to my friend's house to listen to the bill and his brother was a junkie and he came out of the room.
I was about eight, maybe nine, and it came out wrong because what the fuck kind of music is that shit the fuck you listening to?
Take that shit off like it's the Beatles is like, fuck the Beatles. They put on Richard Pryor. The crazy. And my fucking head went off a swivel chair, like it just completely went off a swivel. I ran home to the bar and I worked my mom for five bucks. Well, I went to the album store albums before 99, you know, and I just had to get that out. I went home and played it. I would hide it from my mother because you could put the album down and then put another album on top.
I would drop. So if your mom came in, you automatically dropped so she couldn't hear. And then I bought Bicentennial. And that put me over the top. Yeah, now there was no dream of me being a comic at this time. I just thought the things he was saying was so fucking me. Like I wanted to be able to talk like that. I'm cute. Yeah. I figured if I talk like that, I could influence motherfuckers and win people over because I had that little insecurity about being an immigrant.
But if I spoke like that, I could be that funny. I could. So I just started mimicking that and I would bring that album to people's houses and my kids would be tired and the mothers would catch us. And still today there's a kids great kanala. His mother is still mad at me for bringing over Richard Pryor.
There were like three mothers that got mad at me for Lucille Fernandez, that's a comedy man in Union City. He told me and my wife. And we were eating one day and he goes, Let me tell you something about your husband. He fucking turned me on to Richard Pryor. We would we get in trouble because I brought the album like I was that young already into. And then I got into Red Fox and then Lenny Bruce got into it.
And then I saw Carlin on HBO and that was tremendous. And then I saw Freddie Prinze. And then I was partial to Freddie Prinze. I related to Freddie Prinze because he was Spanish. So that gave me, like, hope, like kind of, you know, maybe, you know, I had like Spanish people could do standup, but he shot himself. And I remember that night the way I like I still remember that kid killed himself.
Like, we didn't get the news. Like, you get it now. Like I got the news when we were out that night, he had shot himself the night before or the early morning or whatever, but I still remember him getting shot. And we year I was to be 74.
I was alive.
I was staying with my grandfather in New York during the Chico and the man days.
Chico followed Sanford and son. Exactly. Friday night at eight o'clock.
Grandfather lover pizza. Are you fucking you talking with a white pizza?
Sanford and son pull up a picture of Chico and the man. It was a good fucking show. It was Freddie Prince and the old man who's on top of the world to man. That was the weird. Oh my God. He was hosting The Tonight Show. They were grooming him to take over The Tonight Show.
And you hear about a guy like that taking his own life. Feel like there's no way. And then you and I were driving from Dallas to Houston. We pulled over at a record store and we bought a thing and yes, yes, yes, from Chicago.
And it was terrible. Yeah, it wasn't good.
It was really bad. It was really bad. Well, you know, the problem was it was it was 73 comedy. Yeah, it was 1973. It's 73 comedy.
Not Richard Pryor, you know. I mean, there was guys like Richard Pryor that were to this day, like if you go back and listen to some of Richard Pryor stuff, it still holds up. It still holds up.
And Jose Feliciano sang the tank. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yes. You go down in flames, whatever the fuck. And I don't remember. I remember it.
Oh, man. I'd like that show. It just made me real sad. I remember thinking, like, how does someone who's that? He's killing it.
He's got his own TV show. He's hilarious, handsome.
It's going to make the guy from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That's not as cool anymore. Oh, man. Still the old guy laying in bed with the other guys.
These motherfuckers were shooting guns at the Comedy Store. Hayman fucking fire you was that is that cocaine man, that cocaine? No, I don't know. Those guys think about it. He was hanging out at the Comedy Store and that kid and he was at the end kaplin they were all at the Comedy Store and they were you got to think he's also super famous, rich as fuck.
Twenty one and doing coke disked. Yeah. How old was he when he died. Real young. How old was Freddie Prinze when he died.
I don't think it's Freddie Prinze Jr. related at all. Yes, that's his son. Yeah, that's his son. How old is he? Twenty twenty two. He was 27.
Right. Twenty two. Holy shit. You know, I still remember all my shit.
You want me to tell you I remember that night. You want me to tell you why I remember that specifically? Because I had it on the way home. I was so fucking cold that I had to cut through the cemetery. And when I was walking through the cemetery, I had to take a shit. Oh, no.
And I went in front of a fucking casket because I had to bury it like 19, 20. So I go, he's got no family left. Right.
Was freezing. Joe Rogan freezing. I pulled my pants down to my knees. I squat, I take a shit and I start pissing. And all of a sudden I got to get up and I pissed in my own pants. My arms were frozen. I had to walk home like the tin man gets the piss went right into the fucking bed. So my pants and I walked in and my mother was dead. Oh, my God. She's like, that was there was my mother would do surprise attacks on Friday nights on me, like fucked up.
Like she gave me the clearance. But like once a month I get a surprise attack. And that was one of the surprise attacks that I walked in with Pam. And she's like, what are we doing here?
Going out? Like, what I got. I got to chill. Mother chicken. Are you retarded? Are you fucking retarded? Are we doing here? Yeah. Like I can't take walks in the frozen pistola. Respect. What are we doing here is the funny shit. You could say everything. And every time my mother, every time I came home on Nidia, my mother turned to Santa. Really? That's it. I got to call you godmother.
I can't handle this no more. When I started dressing up like Bruce Lee and I had incense in my room and a bowl of rice, she was going nuts. Oh yeah. Oh, I had that fit. The white shirt that you folded. I bowed quite a few do rice. I fucking learned how to use chopsticks. My mother would go, that's it. You got to go to your godmother's. You got a problem. You're retarded.
So that's wrong with you. You're not Chinese, stupid. You're not Chinese. And that would make up reasons why I was Chinese. It used to be that you could you could dress like you did kung fu. Nobody would even say they like their guys really into the arts. You could walk around with them little skinny, tiny black cloth shoes with a tiny like tan. He'll remember those. Joey, they're basically slippers. They're slippers. They like kung fu slippers.
And dudes wear white socks. And we have the full kung fu outfit on and they just walk around the street like that and be like, all right, what are you going to do?
And then there's the kung fu shoes. I had those guys walk around with those men. They would walk around with those shoes. And it's just it's a nice shortcut to, like, instantly. You seem like a guy who thinks of things in a different way. You seem spiritual. You're in touch with Uchi in your energy. You can talk about Chinese medicine.
You can say a lot of stupid shit if you're wearing those slippers. It's a dump on food, clothes.
I used to talk with my girlfriends, make me do this right now, like having outdoor slippers indoors. Let's get moving like slippers I can leave the house with. That's a good move. Just for your health. You can have three different slippers. And the problem is, if you leave your shoes on when you come in the house, you're tracking all kinds of garbage from outside. That is actually a good move from the comfort of it.
Not so much, but three weeks before my mother died, she would never be home on Friday nights because she was a degenerate gambler. So she would hit the tracks on Friday nights. But every once in a while she's surprise. Attack me. I'll have to use devising. I don't really you know, I would drink boom, boom, boom and everything else.
Strawberry Hill, I think then I wouldn't really drink as much. My thing was the marijuana. That was my thing. I didn't that I didn't want it to catch me. So I advising it and I try to act normal and fuck. And I, I got high with this girl and I didn't know, you know, we were swapping spit and I had a monkey and she was bleeding. I didn't know, I didn't know a period existed. I didn't know what the fuck it was.
And I walk in my house and I had a little bit of blood on my lip and my mother like, what are you, the wolf man?
I forget cee lo lo lo get the body, you know. You know what it was. No, I didn't tell her that I was embarrassed. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I was 15 years old. Didn't you think she just assumed that it was a blessing?
My period. Yeah. No, she wouldn't.
She asked you if you got in a fight, then she asked me what happened. And I was like, I cut my lip. And she's like, how, you know, how the fuck did you cut your lip? And I'm like, I don't know. And I made up some fucking fake story. But don't you think she knew you were like. She moms' no feline do I did that once I went to Starbucks, but I was thirty five, she caught me with a girl once and the girl was hiding in the closet.
Oh no, I forgot. My mom came into my room and looked around and looked at me and she just slid the closet. It was a sliding closet and the girl was just standing there topless.
Get out, get out Bhuti. That you boys and shit. No, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, I used to date the girl that lived in my backyard. Girl. I used to date a girl. Backyard's connected. We were in love in the sixth grade. That's the reason why I got left back in the sixth grade. I love no sex. I fell in love, no sex at all in love with her. She made me a promise that in June, when school ended, we were going to start dating official.
We could make out and shit. Before that we would just hug and kiss each other in the cheek and we would play hooky and do stupid shit and go to university. And I, you know, spend money on her at fucking this little amusement park and shit. And one day they fucking called home and my mother answered the phone. And my mom started yelling and the girl's parents were home and my mom started yelling, Oh, Santonio, why the fuck are you?
You went that whore from across the way. So me and her walk into her house. And a mother pulls me aside and she does the things your mother saying. I should go over that smack on the face and almost all the way. Listen, if you go over there, my mom will break you and fucking and you got the wrong lady. If you just stab the motherfucker three weeks ago, you're not going to go there and say nothing to my mother.
Oh, and I remember walking in and my mother being pissed I wasn't allowed to hang out with that girl no more.
You know, I was in the sixth grade, seventh grade. My mom didn't want me to be a freak. She didn't want me to fucking have a girlfriend. She was, like, totally against it.
Like my mom in the eighth grade, my mom would yell at me in the ninth grade if I was in the bedroom and I had the door. You got the door open?
No, I was 10th grade 15, so I really started getting some action. 14 was a rough year.
I just I just type friend called Daddy.
Let's just leave it at Eddie. All right. We were tired. I love Daddy. Eddie me with Tiny, just the one that turned me out, had a roll, a joint. And he was a couple of years older than me and he had a girlfriend that was a couple of years older than me. Eddie's family picked up one day and went to Miami. Just like that, left him behind, left the chick behind. Left this beautiful German girl behind, so she lived on Charles Court.
In fact, she lived next to where the iceman, the guy was, the iceman, the murderer? Yeah, the guy that was his buddy, the ice cream truck. Mr. Softee. Yeah, that's where he lived. Drank. So a loner was her name. She was a hot German girl. And on Friday nights after that, he left. I mean, we were just friends and she was way older than me. We were just talking to friends and we watched Chico and the Man and Sanford and Son.
And one night she asked me, do you want to make that? I don't even know how to make out with a girl. She we made out together and that was it. Every Friday she came over, we beat pizza. We make up for a little while. No sex.
Nothing like that that took years, years. You do. There's always a squeeze in the breast. I was just telling somebody I grew up with Catholic girls. You had a lot of shit around girls. They weren't you had to go for took a long time to take a Catholic girl's bra off, but once they popped the cork off that champagne, those gals is good to go.
The cat. The girl. Yes, you're the biggest freak. But the first night is not good.
They cry all the rubbed it back so they're not going to go to hell because that's a big thing. They sort of going to l I think with the Internet, they're the less likely to worry about going to hell. No, no.
I'm talking about 1986 when I was there, the girls I had one girlfriend that that happened.
And it was the longest night of my fucking life. I had one lady.
She called me when she got home.
This is seventy fucking eight, all right. Outside of me. And she went to an All Girls Academy.
Oh, you understand me, so I play that St Michael CEO. OK, the home of Tommy motherfucking Heintz, and if anybody knows anything, I say so, and she went to the school, that cheerleader for us.
So I dated and eventually, you know, something happened and it was brutal. It was the crying, the crying.
I know what a terrible thing.
I was worried that she had to go to hell because why would you want to go?
Once I had the same guilt Pro-, I could not believe it. After that, I went straight. I was like, this isn't going to happen again. I marry a woman. That's how fucking Catholic I was.
Guys, the crazy thing is they didn't tell us anything about birth control.
They didn't tell us shit. Not everybody was already fucking before anybody got to talk to. Everybody was already fucking about 10 or 16 and we were 17. Your dad or your mom or school, someone's going to pull you aside and say, well, if you're going to have sex like Ghana, like everybody around you is fucking you leave these 16, 17 year olds together. They go to birthday parties together. They're drinking. Everybody's fucking they're fucking when they're 16 all the time.
That's so normal. I don't know what age people fuck that.
When they were like in the 1950s when our parents were growing up, I don't know what the fuck they slept in separate beds, separate beds, all those TV shows they slept in September. Do you think people did less fucking or do you think they did less talking? A they fucked the shit out of Marilyn Monroe. Did they fuck that poor woman to death?
Almost zero. I know this dude that you know. That Marilyn Monroe fucked him when he was 16, she was 22. Oh, yeah, we know that. Do you know what I'm talking about? He played the he was the guy that she would give him up, huh? Tom Hanks.
No, it wasn't your boy. You know, it's just he's trying to get out of here. It's Johnny. Whatever the guy that Sonny beats up in The Godfather. Yeah. You didn't know that. I think I did. Yeah. It's the guy that Sonny beat. There's a lot my memories for. It's really full, like over this. I mean, I know I'm 53, so I'm like officially old now. I've been officially old for at least eight years.
But like now like officially, officially old, like my memory's full.
It's like I can still pull stuff up that I know, but like the new stuff, it's hard to get in there. And there's a lot of old stuff I'm just deleting left and right.
I forget what I have for lunch. But if you read if you read the article I told you to read a long time ago, which one?
The one about Johnny Russo said he lost his virginity, Marilyn Monroe at 15. Well, that's what's up. See is the difference. If that's some horrible man who did that to a 15 year old girl, it's a crime, but we're all excited for him.
Imagine your 15 year old and you say, Rose, even the cops are smack like Marilyn Monroe.
I didn't play one of these mothers from Studio City. I want to speak to one officer. Marilyn Monroe fucked my my son when he was smack in the face.
Shut the fuck up. That kid's so lucky.
He he's so lucky. He's so lucky about that.
She probably sat on his face and shit, little girl, it's like there's some guys that have, like, this weird relationship. Jason Priestley was in it. I don't know shit going to nineties. I don't remember. It's probably not about that movie, but it's like a dramatized version of like a young dude with Marilyn Monroe. That's hilarious.
Listen, man, I think it's amazing that she was willing to do that. I think it's amazing she'd find some 15 year old kid and go, I'm gonna freak this fucking kid out. I'm Marilyn Monroe. I'm going to fuck a gardener. I'm going to fuck some fifteen year old kid pushing a lawnmower. Let's do it, baby. You imagine you're on the couch. Fifteen year old kid and Marilyn Monroe just grabs you, sticks inside of you.
Like what? How how is this have you remember that iconic video of her standing on a subway grate in Manhattan? It's blown her skirt up. And here is Marilyn Monroe riding you. Can you imagine him?
Tell him his friend and like, get the fuck out. Get the fuck. Get the fuck out of here. You didn't fuck.
Don't Marilyn be so full of shit you won't believe his latest lie.
What if she was that gross?
She says so drugged up and drunk that people are like, oh, get her away from me. Put her over next to that fifteen year old girl. Right.
There's video of her before she died. This video of her, the year that she was still alive, before she died, she was beautiful.
That movie was based off of that like that old I had a secret shows like the guy I went on said I had a date with Marilyn Monroe. She paid for it. Oh my God. So the movie came out, I tell you, three, two. I have so much more respect for her now.
I just think if I was a female famous actor, I'd be the most gangster thing to do. Fuck high school seniors, just grab them, get in the limo, bitch.
No one would know would have a problem with it. No one would have a problem with it. Everybody would have a problem with everything.
We would all be laughing though. But if if, you know, if the biggest movie star in the world was scooping up high school seniors and blowing them. Nobody would nobody get mad. That's crazy. I think that's happening with a gym teacher that I went to school right now. There was a female.
It was a female gym teacher in my school that fucked everybody, didn't fuck me. She didn't like me. She fucked. Everybody wants to drop people off in the house.
Yeah, but dropped like redmen. Where are you going to. You guys got to drop me off at Miss built up his house and she would just fuck the kids.
Yes. How old. She had to be a 30.
So how old were the kids. 16, 15, 16.
Whoever is ready to party, everybody gave her a fucking start. Now, do you hear everybody talk about it?
How many people she was well known. Did the teachers know about it or did the kids keep their mouth shut?
Because I think that's a different scene today. I think she was given to the teachers, too. She ended up marrying one of the teachers. Butchie, I don't I'm not sure she was a hot blonde. She was not blonde. And then there was a check on our high school that just like the older guys and I remember we were in summer school. And we were standing outside and this chick was fucking hammered. She had to be 16, 15 my age, sophomore summer, and right in front of everybody, she just went up to the vice principal and just started grabbing his dick and go to a baby.
And he's like, oh, all right, everybody could go play now.
And he just froze.
I know the girl. I see I'm friends on Facebook today. Really got kids. Yeah. Wow. She got kids, the whole fucking deal. And I talked to her from time to time, say, oh, that's hilarious. She was a freak when I was there was always a neighborhood freak. There's a neighborhood freak in my neighborhood, fucked all the kids that played softball.
She was hot, she was twenty one, always had torn jeans. They always knew a lot about rock. There was introduced to some old Sabbath. Should play some old Zeppelin like I didn't know, you know, musically illiterate at the point. I learned a lot about music from this lady. She's a nice lady, but she smelled like cigarettes.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was hot. My street girl smelled like cigarettes. I thought it was hot.
I thought girls that smelled like like a woman that smelled like she smoked cigarettes. It was hot. So it was like a dangerous lady. It doesn't give a fuck about cancer.
That's my rationale. When I was a kid, I didn't I thought it was the dumbest thing for you to do for your health. But I also thought it was hot. If girls smoke cigarettes, I'll tell you what the the how hard it was in my neighborhood to school that on Facebook most of the kids on friends were from my neighborhood are married. They married their high school sweethearts. That's how. And die sex, not entice sex, but that's my high school was very old school, old fashioned, it was very old fashioned.
You marry your high school sweetheart. If you took a Spanish grammar day, you had to go with a grandmother for a story of white Italian girl.
Sometimes you got to bring that. Well, you know, the grandma, which it was a different time. I didn't learn about sugar daddies. When I moved to Seattle, I heard all that nonsense. Yeah. And then this shit that you hear once you move here, I had never been raised around that. I'm a criminal. I don't know nothing about that fucking. Yeah. Islands. Tom Hanks.
What the fuck. What the fuck. Oh, and you hear this shit, you know. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what to believe. I don't I don't think Tom Hanks, the Tom Hanks thing is more or less an Internet meme. It's like a joke that they're pretending that Tom Hanks, a pedophile. But the Eppstein thing's real. That's that's what's crazy. It's like there's so much talk about all these other things when there's there's a whole lot of people that went to this island with the guy who was a pedophile, who was known for having underage girls and he didn't really kill himself and everybody knows it.
So everybody knows somebody guilty over what's the over.
I took the over that they're going to bomb that place where they have. I can't go Choko know they can't. Choko And they can't suicide. So there's either going to be some type of disruption.
KORONA Some type of disruption. Caroler Some a heavy dose of. Korona Well, that was one of the things I talked to. I was talking about with Jack Ruby. Yes. The Jack Ruby getting cancer and dying so quickly like that didn't really make sense that they were working on things you could do to people where you could inject them. They'd get cancer and die. Yeah, yeah, Khairullah, who knows, it's going to be interesting to see what happens to blow her out of that if she has to testify, the fucking Marines got to go.
Yeah, the Marines got to go. Bike accident.
Poor Simon Cowell broke his back.
What he was on, though, I have to eat because I'm addicted to that lifestyle. But but he was on it is like a motorbike. It's like a Tron motorcycle that has like the talk of a Tesla, you know, know, it's like he was on one of those.
One of those. What's he doing? I don't know. I think I got my helmet. I think it's on. It's like it's a bike and.
But is it a is it a motorcycle or is it a scooter? It's classified. Yeah. Instead of like a motor bike, like X game style, it's just a battery. When we were in Austin, I was watching those drunk fucks roll by on those scooters. I was like, do you need a license for that? You should have a license. You just got to go and kind of fast. You you're supposed to surprise you when you sign up for the thing.
You're supposed to take a picture of your body.
And if you fall going 15 miles an hour, you're fucked. Like, I don't know if you realize how fucked you are. If you fall in concrete, you're going 15 miles an hour, you're fucked. What am I, thirty eight.
Thirty eight. Yeah. And it's just like, yeah, my Jamie's got a crazy one. Got to know how to fall to listen bitch. You're hitting the concrete and electric pole. It hurts. Oh my God.
Stop. You don't understand. If you hit something it's thirty miles an hour.
That's way different than ok let's say fifteen.
Most of something at fifteen miles an hour you hit the concrete and a pole within 15 miles an hour. You have no understanding of what you what do you weigh. Two hundred pounds.
The one you ran off the street have their limited don't go like 13 miles an hour, something like that.
If you hit a pole any thirty miles an hour. Listen to me, Jimmy. You're going to get fucked up. You're going to get fucked up like really fucked up full sprint. I know. I get it. Whoo! But I'm saying if you just walking around the pole is not nearly as well. You don't, but other folks are intoxicated. You're very well coordinated. But I'm saying it's kind of crazy. You could just pick one of these things up with no license and you go on fifteen miles an hour booking down the street with these little ones you rent on the street, you have to have a license.
Well, not like you do it without like you can give it to your kid, but like your average, you sign up for it. You're like you're giving a liability. You take a picture of your license. Oh, okay.
So you have to have a driver's license. Yeah. OK, ok. To rent it, not buy. That's better. Yeah that's about it. That's better.
But it's definitely more complicated than driving a car. Right.
You got a balance on that thing by you. But if someone's a slob.
Right. But if a slob, if someone just has no coordination it's just about get on one of those things. It's just a bike. That scooter. Oh, Scooter, those scooters are everywhere. Yeah. I don't like the scooters. You can go fast. Yeah. You can go as fast as scooters that go forty five miles an hour that you can buy. Come on, you can't do that.
You need a helmet. Where's your fucking. Oh yeah. You definitely. You going forty miles an hour.
Where's your helmet. It's real common though but listen at least if people fall down they're not. You could fucking wipe in somebody, you could wipe somebody. You hurt him pretty bad. You got to keep your eyes open. I'm in Hoboken. They banned them. They banned them because they were being dropped all over the place and people are hurting them. So that's just another fucking headache for people.
It's work is you just leave them on the sidewalk, you leave them on the sidewalk. People are doing them at night. Yeah. You know, you take a chance every time you get on with those fucking things. It's a fun night, but.
Well, I support that. I support people's right to do it. No, I don't give a fuck. Let them do it. But don't come to me. When you get hit by a truck, you don't come crying to me that I wouldn't advise any of my friends, especially if they're intoxicated.
They'll just take this home. No, if you're thinking, should I take this home, we definitely shouldn't take that home because a mistake, one fucking mistake dog.
Listen, Joe Rogan do on this too, I think. What's an operating while intoxicated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh absolutely.
That makes sense. My brother Courcey, my brother, I took a bike riding doing this quarantine. I saw, you know, what time I leave my house. I follow you and put you on a 15. A15 And, you know, I do that there's a reason why, because there's nobody out. Yeah, I go against the grain. I don't let cars behind me. I go against cars. You got something to say you talk about?
Yeah, I wear a hooded sweatshirt with a 22 just in case. I don't I don't tell people that I don't wear headphones. I put my mask on like a decent fucking American and I take that fucking bike from hunger to fucking Toluca Lake. I don't sometimes I go on the sidewalk or whatever, but trust me, I know that I'm in danger of getting hit. Every time I get on those bikes, I say a prayer because there's a lot of motherfuckers texting.
I see it when you're on a bike. You got to work hard. Now, a scooter, you're in danger. You're in danger. Your best bet is to get a bike and go on the channeler trail that that's what normal people would do. You're pretty safe that. You know, I've done that a lot, too. But the channeler trail is kind of weird that there's people walking.
Right, you know, and there's people with fucking dogs. They don't take their dogs everywhere. People leave the fucking bunker, all the California. You got no idea. I was hungry. I want to eat more often. The lady sitting there with a fucking dog social thing, the dog gets they all not one day everybody in California got to fucking take a dog. They have a dog leash. Emotional dogs take Xanax like everybody else do a line of fucking coke waiting.
Coke is up to eighteen hundred an ounce. Is it really eighteen hundred and out.
What did it used to be six. They were giving it away three years ago. What happened.
Oh borders. Borders closed and they go, oh it's hard to get in covid and they got an extra six hundred a week on unemployment. What is that New Mexican tunnel they just found. Oh yeah. That's complicated tunnel they've ever discovered. That's an easy one. Big game. That's what it shit. Remember they built twenty at a time. Yeah.
And they want you to find a sacrifice once you have a big victory for Fox jumping up and down.
Mexican man stopped at the border, the most sophisticated tunnel in U.S. history discovered between Mexico and Arizona. Although it's not exactly clear what the structure was intended for. It had ventilation, a rail system and extensive reinforcement.
Yeah, look at that shit, dude. That's how the vampires come in. That's how they got El Chapo out. You ever see that El Chapo was amazing.
El Chapo Guzman, take a shit, never returns. He goes behind this little thing. He's the only thing that keeps the camera from seeing him. Taking a shit is a thing where you can't see him when he's sitting. So it's like a living thing about this guy. So he turns around towards where the toilet is, ducks down and disappears forever from sight. Like it's like taking a shit for like five hours. Go in and check on the guy.
They find out there's a door behind the shitter and he's got a tunnel built in there with a rail system like a real rail system. And lighting and electricity goes a mile long. So he gets under the tunnel, he gets in there, they take him off before the fucking people in the jail can realize he's gone. He's a mile away. He pops out of this building, he gets out of this building and they they swoop him up in a truck or whatever, a helicopter, and they get him the fuck out of here.
But it's hilarious what he goes behind this thing to take a shit. It's like this is like take a shit area. And when he does, he just disappears. So here's his take a shade area, it's like my mom's going to take my pants off real quick. Let me lean forward and. Ducks down, boom, he's through the floor, he's gone. So they had it they had it all set up for him. They popped out in the other end.
His son got arrested recently and then they released him like, fuck it, they got surrounded by cartel people. They negotiated and they just released him.
It was crazy. That's a complete, different world. It's a different world. It's right there, bro.
You can walk there if you live in La Hoya. You can walk there, son. How crazy. Yeah, crazy. Pretty crazy pacem. There he is. Hey, what's up, guys? Everything's cool.
The fucking get the fuck in the Pablo Escobar two seasons. Amazing. We're very good. That guy who plays Escobar is incredible. The guy what's his name. I don't know. He's a Panamanian. Whatever as he Panamanian is going to pull it up.
He needs his respect. Then you're so good.
Then you have the season of the Cali cartel. Yeah, I didn't make it. Is that that one was too many murders yet that would open is up with them really.
The guy. Wagner more comes from Brazil. Yeah. Brazilian Busari. He got caught, he got mad because the Spanish was bad fucking people. The guy could act his ass. Oh he could act. But then you had season the Cali cartel. That was good. The season opened up and they ripped the guy apart with motorcycles. They put a motorcycle on each leg and they just tear them apart. That's the season opener. So, you know, and the guy is gay that runs the click.
So he goes to that party, gets a bottle fuck and takes over the dance floor, makes out with his gay lover, takes the bottle, breaks it over the guy's head, then ties him up with a motorcycle and rips him apart from this opening. OK, then we skip the consequences.
This is season three and four or season three is the Cali cartel. Then it goes into season like Mexico. And to me in my world and you know, me dog, I come back to it. Laurence Fishburne, I'll tell you who's really doing that craft. Right, who are pimps of the game right now. We've seen who are the major pimps are the fucking game right now. The major pimps of the game that you and I have seen in our lifetime have been guys like Laurence Fishburne.
You know, this kid who does John Wick is doing a great fucking job. Oh, the English guy's the real deal. Daniel, say what you want about mine and which one may say what you want.
Know the other English dude, the one that was in The Fighter. Right? The one that you see Kapone.
The one if you want to shoot yourself. And I had two times leave me alone with Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy was good with Gandolfini. That's the best thing. Fucking Tom Hardy did that. And the fucking Bronson Grimble. What? Christian Bale is fucking the real deal. You got to rock with Christian Bale. But the dude who fucking does Marko's Mexico, the little dude that do this on a different level. He's on a different level. He takes that show to a different level.
You can't take your eyes off him. When I didn't even know that this Latin theater existed, when I was a kid, I watched Telemundo and telenovelas. That's the gay one. He's tremendous. That's the gay one. That's the second. That's when they're in Cali cartel. This is all good stuff.
But the guy goes Mexico, he's so fucking good, it's scary how good he is, he does two seasons. He's the one that that one. And I saw he tells the story of what happened in New York. We were brown. We were buying brown weed, and all of a sudden it was selling a weed course in Somalia. And it was a weed that was grown with no seeds. So it was easier to pack and easier to smuggle.
So they had to convince these people that this was the future. But there's a problem with sense of me. It has to be grown in the desert. It can't be grown anywhere else because a male plant will fuck up the whole thing. So it's got to be grown in the desert. Who grows weed in the desert? These motherfuckers set up an irrigation thing, explained the male female plant thing.
I don't. You don't know? I don't know. Not now. But Jamie, when you know for a minute I know it.
I know it's a thing that come Aphrodite's or something, but yeah, they can switch genders, but the flowery ones of the females like marijuana.
You want to make sure that they're female and make sure the males don't fuck them over and switch them. Yeah, I don't know how we get too close and change each other.
And you see the biggest crop seeds from Niarchos. I mean, so marijuana grows.
So we sent these motherfuckers many seeds are look at the size of this fucking this went on for days where they just grew this weed and they would do it right before.
Do you know how to grow weed? No.
Every time I do it, I fail. But this they show you how damn. They show you how they look at that. Look at the size of those that Netflix pulled this off. What do they do?
It's brilliant. Do you think it's all CGI?
A lot of CGI mixed with fake some plants, like some real you can have real plants. They're legal now.
Well, there probably is plastic, but this guy doesn't recognize this is this guy devised a system that he knew that there was water in the desert and that's where they grew this weed.
And the only this kid here, he could eat motherfuckers alive for breakfast with his acting. That dude then a little Mexican right there. And I watched him a couple of times. And I go, there's something special about this kid. I'm not going to look them up or whatever. And I finally looked him up. His mother died when he was three and his father was a stagehand in Mexico. So his father was a set designer, which means that he grew up around his father on the set designing, which made him a little bit more creative than the average fucking kid.
He was also in Star Wars. This kid will eat motherfuckers up for lunch and he's going to eat motherfuckers up for lunch. When they let him go, they just narcos was his shit. He was that good. Diego Luna, that fucking good job. Javier steals it. And there's even one episode where he tells his wife, I don't need any anymore. You could go, wow, cold blooded and how he does it, the whole from A to Z, from A to Z, how he started with weed first and then he went on a mission to do a favor and he saw cocaine in Nicaragua.
And he goes, all the cocaine is stuck in Nicaragua. Why is it stuck in Nicaragua? Because they had closed the route from Miami. So he went he went to fucking Cali cartel. They told them, you got two choices. You got the Cali cartel. They're legit businessmen. They don't even look like drug dealers. But then we got another guy that's very emotional.
So you have to pick who you want to go with. He went with the businessman, cut a deal on the way to the airport. They got kidnapped.
They take him right to Pablo's house and is one of the greatest fucking scenes ever went. How Pablo talks to them, he says, what did you are you doing here? I went to Cali. Pablo lights up a fucking joint. Pablos, Tom, Antonio and the Calli. OK, he goes and then he goes, what do you do with a hippopotamus, Pablo and a hippopotamus? And Pablos tell him like he loves hippopotamuses because the smooth and all this shit all the time, he's just going to join us.
I'm going to cut you a deal for every load you take out of as you take one of mine in. And that's how that whole thing, oh, look, got agreed to it, so and the guy agreed. Smart, yeah. Agreed. We love. Don't be greedy bitch. He goes because you do that for me, then you're going to put me out of business.
Do you think the narcos is like the Rocky movies for drug dealers? Like this is very sad.
You know what, Narco, the first riska first two seasons, the first two seasons, the three seasons. And Narcos is very sad for a guy like me, really, because it shows you the truth of what happened. It shows you that the Colombians had something going on. And once the Americans saw the amount of money they tapped right into it. Right. That whole thing with Barry SEAL and Arkansas. And that's all real. We can't rewrite that.
It's like the first time he realized the candy, it was done by the CIA or whoever did it. Right. You said to yourself, wow, we have a government that ISIS, their own people right now, they're fucking help bring in these drugs. The same war on drugs that they have on paper, they're profiting off. And then when you look at the fucking tweet from the narcos perspective. It was you know, you don't know the amount of weed they were bringing, that they were supplying the whole country with green weed, the whole country would send mere.
Hmm. And everybody was in on it. But meanwhile, Reagan is on there with his wife. I know. Yeah, so you see the hypocrisy and it kind of hurt, you know, what the fuck else won't they do you know?
Well, they just say nothing was coming from the same administration that funded the conscious versus the Sandinistas with CIA drug money run through south central L.A. and they show him a three way Ricky Ross, who's been on the podcast twice.
Yes. They show him the real rocks. Yeah, they show narcos the Mexican can. I just told you they show him going because the plane goes down. He's in them.
How they discovered that whole thing was a plane goes down and all of a sudden Hollywood, whatever his name is, Oliver North Hollywood South, whatever his name was, Ilinois the wall.
Guess what happened? Narco went to the CIA after they had killed Kiki Camarena. He's the most wanted man in the fucking world for being one of the guys that murdered Kiki Camarena.
He shows up at CIA headquarters and goes, Whoa, whoa, I got the fucking I got the fucking answer to your problem.
Well, here was this Cheney.
I will continue to bring you fucking weapons. This has happened a couple of times. Twenty seven, I think this this is a later one.
This is one that you and I have brought up before because it was like a CIA agent.
But also, of course, it is fucking grudge all the time. There was one that just happened. Didn't one just happen somewhere in the world? They load them up with cocaine. These fucks, they get greedy. When you get coked up, you're like, it's going to make it. Jesus wants us to land just Mexico. I looked up, oh, they raised that part. But there was one that just happened like real real recently in Afghanistan.
There's one that happened. No, that was twenty seven. There's one that happened like a week ago.
Not on this planet. I've come to know there was it wasn't a CIA plane that landed recently. There was one that crashed right after taking off over Libya that put too much on it. Yeah, there it is. It was in New Zealand. Right.
Or Australia. Melbourne, Melbourne. There you go. There's not as much as half a ton. They had one of them old fucking propeller planes loaded up with Coke. They've got those planes in the air.
You have to you have to be honest about what you're way like if you get on the plane with your wife and she's like one forty six, you know, like pitch. I don't want to die.
I used to have to be one fifty to my mom would make extra money on the side when she worked at Wendy's and take those planes down to like Atlanta and drop off stuff. And I just remember being a kid in the back seat reading Gaffield going, I'm going to die like I'm going to die.
How many times do you have to fly? I'd probably say at least ten times that I remember.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I get sick. And those little plane.
Yeah. All right. What was Wendys dropping off like special sauce? I don't know. Yeah. What the fuck?
Yeah, man, that was an interesting cast that Noriko's is an interesting. They did, they did them right. I think this year they're going to Miami. They killed it with Pablo. They killed killed it. Killed that guy so good. Killed it. And the guy, the guy I like that they hired was that dude that got like two thousand years in jail, the one who ran the island.
Like, his story is hilarious because he was a. A John Lennon fanatic? Yeah, and he was half German, so he was a Hitler. But he was Spanish, OK? He was sounds like a Saturday night. So when the cops went when the feds went all extradite on these guys, they became the Extraditables. This guy took to the radio. And they show scenes of him on the radio fucking are like, OK, so you cannot take us back to the United States because you're the number one export of our product.
And he's not awesome. He seems like an assistant walked by and he goes, hey, I'm in L.A. and he's like and she just kneels down. She's blowing them on camera and he's like, listen to me, you have to he became nuts. When was this? Listen, listen to what they did, OK? Is there a video that you can get? Oh, my God. Carlos laid.
There is a fucking lunatic. Carlos laid. There was no one who went to Pablo and said, I'm going to I'm going to fly the Coke back for you, but we're going to make a stop on an island. So they bought an island. They fucking threw the doctor off. There was a white doctor on that. Nice to meet you. And they were like, listen, there's a whole story about this hysterical. The guy called the feds.
There's something going on over there. They're doing pornographic. You know, they've got plans to blow.
Wow. And this is what they bought everybody out, but there was this one white dude like, this is my island, I'm an American, I fought in World War Two. I'm not leaving.
And like, dog, we're going to fucking kill you, OK? We're going to keep and all night they were bringing in planes, refueling them and sending them out. Carlos laid there.
What does it say? US drug lord and Escobar partner later they're released from in Germany, from prison. When was this. Oh, my God. He's just down from Florida to Germany. Oh, from Florida to Germany. Because he's originally from Germany.
He's his father was German.
He's got two thousand years. So what they did was this. What they did was it doesn't take a fucking genius.
This kid got the island. He made them a bunch of money. But then he started doing a podcast from the island with cameras and naked women. Why of him snorting coke with a robot? How old was he? Who the fuck knows? Twenty eight thirty. Just making twenty million a day. If you're making twenty million a day and you're just addicted to coke, there's bags of blood behind you. He's just ripping bags open, snorting them, just talking.
He was a John Lennon fan so he would talk about his he would do these videos for hours, for days. So he was like an original YouTube star.
Yeah. So what they did was but he was posted on YouTube, but it's like, did he know what they did?
Was his MySpace boy, he's the first one they gave up when the shit got deep and the Colombians were in trouble, the five Colombians sat down. They said, listen, this kid's on an island talking about Jim Morrison, The Doors, let's let them let's let the feds know where he's doing.
We'll give him you. And we got no beef. So they extradited, laid there. They gave him. 2000 years. Oh, my God, look up the sentence, I'm not trying to be funny, they gave him a thousand. So why would they return to Germany?
Because he gave them information years later about he gave them he gave them a vial. He gave them really great information that if the country fucking knew, we would think like he gave them what he gave them information that he was he also not beside having his island, that that was also a distraction.
His main contributor, his main supplier was Fidel. So he Fadell was letting him go to Cuba, bring the Coke to Cuba, stock it, and for every ship that went out from Cuba to the United States with a Cuban flag, Fidel would get a kickback of eight hundred thousand dollars. Fidel was sending Greif warships a day. So he testified against the Dow, which obviously nobody ever arrested for Bell, and he told them everything he knew about the ins and outs of money moving.
You could find online all the shit on this guy and blow us based off that guy.
And Blow is based on Summit George Young cellmate in prison. Isn't it funny?
Like no one wants their son to do that, but everybody loves these movies.
Yeah, that's weird because they're weird. You know, Jamie, you get a son. He became a fucking drug dealer in this movie.
His father is Henry Hill. No shit. And he knows that he's doing it's a very good movie. Is that real in real life? No, no, no, no, no.
In the movie, it's a fictional Otis Ray Liotta plays his father in this movie. And Henry Hill. You mean you. And one day I thought you meant the actual Henry Hill. Told I'm not a criminal family. All right. And thank you very much for taking me to translate for you, James, the psychic, Joshua Jaimie's 100 percent a psychic. It's really crazy.
Say that because in the movie he goes to the house one time the father, and he goes through all this on the landscaper's. What are you doing, son? You know, and he goes, what are you talking about? She comes from wealth, you know, and then.
And then. He gets busted and stuff like this right here. That old school Corvette, that fucking car. Look at this house they fucking busted. He's in a palace. Look at that car, though. Go to look at the fucking car. That's a generation one Corvette. It's sexy. That's even before my mind is a 65. That's like probably early, early 60s, maybe even 50s. That thing's amazing. Those cars back then, man, you like that Earley's first series Corvette.
Holy shit, what a car that is. Ron White's got one of those sick one. See if you can find it. See if Ron White's Corvette is online.
Ron White has a Corvette. I got a little purse again. You get out there, big boy. Generation one, he has a generation one convertible that's just immaculate.
Ron White is gonna be one of the coolest people on the planet.
Sweetheart got to be one of the coolest people on his own tequila company. Funny as fuck. Always cool to hang with. Never, never has an attitude. He's never had an attitude. He's always Branwhite. You like what you see is what you get. That's Ron motherfucking White. He's always super sweet.
Hugs people reminds me of is in a human form. He's fucking awesome.
He's just a fucking awesome guy. I love him to death. There's this car and he's got the dope is choice and vehicles like that.
God damn, what a car. Is he having somebody else drive it for him.
I think it's probably like when he first got NASCAR driver Kurt Busch. Oh, wow.
You just look at that thing, man. God damn, that's pretty. That's so pretty American knew how to do shit back then. Read Banned.
I think it's getting more exciting now, honestly, with cars I love. Oh for sure. Yeah. New stuff for sure. With cars, cars the most exciting. Now are you going to get one of those. What's it called. Cyber trucks.
No, no, no, no. The gas. The Ford Bronco. No. Yeah.
I have a real Bronco of a nineteen seventy two Bronco. Yeah.
Those are real mines. A manual. It doesn't even have good brakes. Does this the thing about Broncos look like those old Broncos even mind. Like I have a coyote engine in it. It's like it's Ikon. So Jonathan Ward makes it.
It's a they take a at eight cylinder Mustang engine like four.
If you bought a Mustang GT and they put that in an old Bronco and tweak everything.
But it's still not really fast. It's not supposed to be fast. It's just supposed to be interesting. It's like you're driving this thing. It's like all mechanical and shit. But the new Bronco is not going to be like that, new Bronco is going to be dope, no doubt about it, but it's going to be a different kind of dope. It's going to be like a modern dope. What does that, again, show me?
It's interesting. Largest cyber truck will be North American ass kicker, smaller cyber truck, highly likely.
And to be sent to countries we hate, you know, like North America ask or the size of the cyber truck, like Elon wanted to make it smaller because it's bigger than what, a average size garage, single car garage. Oh, and so that's the problem. That's why there's probably going to be a smaller one.
That is a fucking problem. Yeah, we are gross.
We do need things to be as big as humanly possible.
If there's a fucking Excel Diet Coke, I always get it. I'm like the regular.
Large is not enough. I am thirsty. Americans are greedy.
You know, we see a bigger truck. If there's a like like Samsung has it nailed. Right, they sell you the regular note and then you can get the ultra.
You got a laptop in your pocket.
Boy, have you got one of those folds. Did you did you fall for the fold. The new fold looks pretty badass.
Does there's a new new one just coming out. Well, I get next guys.
Just keep your iPhone. The thing about iPhones is here's the thing.
When you have to wait, the new ones, when you try the two different platforms, the iPhone got way ahead of everybody with two things. One, airdrop, airdrop. So important. Could you make a funny video of something? You see something? Oh, my God. Send me that. I get it instantly. Bluetooth.
It's like it's fast. It's fast. It's fun. Yeah. I'll send like, gigabyte files to my girlfriend, edit and stuff like that. And it's like, like fifteen seconds.
Also when I send you pictures, if they come through my message they're like, they're better quality, they're better resolution. This is like a lot of things that you get used to, you get used to. I message, you get used to the fact you could answer a message from your laptop if you had a Mac laptop.
There's a lot of shit also like buying things with one Apple pay.
Yeah, piece of shit. This shit when you go to like a supermarket. I've been using the phone the whole time.
Look at yourself. Do you pay for your groceries?
It takes three seconds. Your watch can do it. Yeah.
I just feel like I totally if I can pay for things with my phone, I feel like I'm in the future.
I love it. And you're not touching shit and getting current. And I remember Dana White told me about that in like twenty five bro in Japan. Their phones, they pay for shit with their phones. I was like what.
Like what. Like yeah. They go through things, they pay for things with their phones. They're so far ahead of us now. Here we are. Joey Diaz, what the fuck happened to you? I'm just thinking I don't like I don't like that much information out from me, that lighter. Like I don't like too much information. I wouldn't want to keep.
Yeah, but that's what you said when email first came out or buying on Amazon. I know my voice mail voicemail. If you left a fucking voice don't you fucking text message because nobody fucking voice knows me but the text messages, you would get so mad that I just.
He still does.
Kind of I just erased if you if you still text messaging me like it depends what day.
But I like text messages, people I just erase, like I don't even look at the message. Well if I don't recognize the number, here's the problem.
Showing the problem is you're awesome.
So there's a lot of people that want to talk to you and send you cool pictures. No, you want to talk to me.
If you know me that well, you'll fucking on me. I don't want to text with nobody.
I feel like the thing that everybody worries about is using their phone too much. That's almost the number one thing everybody worries about because we didn't worry about using your phone too much. You'd say, oh, I just need some text with and answer emails and occasionally look up something on Google. Right. That's it. But you're addicted to your goddamn phone, so you're going to be Instagram and Snapchat and I'll take talking.
None of it I don't want you don't take talk. No, it's against the law, bitch.
Because, Jo, you should tick tock.
You're missing a whole corner of your market, do you? Tick tock.
Oh, don't I know I've never tick tock but I'm saying tick tock. Listen, I'm just a manager here. My first tick tock video. I'm not I'm sure I'm not trying to play quarterback.
I'm trying to manage this team. Joey, tick tock. Oh, it's you fucking let me tell you something.
This is there was a moment in the main room, I don't know if you remember this, but this was like many years ago. We're talking about like twenty one maybe maybe around then maybe 2000. There was no one in the main room. You're on stage and you had Danny played Black Sabbath, wore pink. I took my shirt. Do you remember that? Yeah.
Do you remember you had Danny played wore big and you took your shirt off 15 fucking years ago and you were singing into the microphone and we were like, yeah.
Because it was it was there was no audience, no, there was 10 people, yeah, there was 10 people, but there was also 10 comedians. So there was 20 people in the audience in the main room, 10 of them were just audience members. And then Joey's on stage. He gets the spotlight on them and he's fucking singing. It's not just like not lip synching. He's fucking singing at the top of his lungs to war pigs.
And we're all like, yes, it was what the Comedy Store is. It was the madness. It was sink or swim. It was chaos. It was this 10 people, the audience. What are you going to do, Ozzy Diaz? What are you going to do? You took your fucking shirt off and you started singing into the microphone full clip. And we were cheering and the audience was cheering because we recognize that you did something fun. You did some special.
You took a moment, a fucking twelve forty five spot in the main room on whatever night it was. I don't remember. It was only weekends back in those days. The main room was only open on weekends. So it has Fridays and Saturdays. Yeah.
So it had to be it was most likely Friday or Saturday, but it was late, everybody was gone and you just took control of this moment in this way that I never I'm never going to forget because it was positive. It was it was exciting and it made me realize what part of live comedy is. It's not just like set up punch line. It's like there's moments where you capture these moments and you just knew how to you know, how to grab a hold of that fucking wave and ride it.
You were just a wave of love. You were just riding that.
I've been obsessed. Especially when I started watching YouTube, why YouTube got into comedy and I followed comedy, but then I looked at it differently. When YouTube hit, I started studying singers. I started studying singers to really learn how to really get my message across. So I started with Robert Plant. Nobody gets the message across like Robert Plant when he's singing Since I've Been Loving You, OK? You have to study the great singers. I studied the singer from bad company, his body movements.
Then I studied the singer from Leonard Skinner. So I copied I stole Leonard Skynyrd's that dude, whatever his name was. What you see Joey Diaz on stage. I'm just faking it. I stole Leonard Skinner singer's persona on stage. The persona is that walk that he makes in Oakland in the Seventy-Seven The Walk of James Brown on to Africa with the Cape with the Cape off when you left the bodies.
Once you take that side of music and you mix it with what we're trying to do and implement that at the Comedy Store is when your life really explodes as a comedian, Dennis, and touched into it this whole thing you touched into it. Yes, look at it. That shows a man he doesn't give a fuck. You don't you cannot give a fuck.
So I studied what you know, just a couple of singers have this show, Rogan, that you could tell what they're singing about by looking at their body. Robert Plant, since I've been loving you live from the guard is fuckin body language is superb, but nobody's body language was better on stage than fucking Robert Plant.
Mick Jagger did his thing, but selling you, what, three guys behind you? A plan is a gift that I also wanted to tap into.
That's why I kind of like Joshes idea. If you didn't do it, you missed out as a comic cue.
Imagine what would happen if I said no to it for months and I did it.
It was the worst anxiety attack I ever got, but it was worth doing at one time. Joe Rogan, what were you going to say?
Was going to say, you know, imagine if going Skinner didn't crash in that plane. We would have had a complete different world today. The Outlaws would have been huge leatherjacket. It was already blown. Ted Nugent out of the water on tour on that tour.
It was well known those those songs were so good. I know a little I know a little about love, baby. I can guess the rest of my life.
Did you have no idea to this day, man? Well, I don't know. When I do my kickboxing boxing workouts nine out of ten times, I put a Leonard Skinner to get you angry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's just it's just they weren't supposed to be that good. They're from Florida. They were real. They're not. But that's the story of Leonard Skinner. They're not supposed to be that good. Ronnie Van Zandt, all those guys, they're from Florida.
They were powerful, bro, in a way. In a weird way. In a weird way.
They would rehearse their riffs. Right. Like Eddie Bravo was explaining to me, like the difference. Like some like some people have riffs where they just go off, like some guys just shred. And some guys have riffs where the whole riff is like this really calculated solo.
It's not as simple as like a guy just fucking went out for the crowd.
Now this guy's got a whole like when they did like if they did Freebird they that that one guitar solo got a finger you got to watch. It just might be the greatest guitar solo of all time.
It was so polished because it's a crazy solo because they did that solo over and over and over and over and over again.
Fuck it was good man.
When he hits the leap, when he leaps in the air and slams down on the guitar here, motherfucker and motherfucking look at them.
But you know who else had to play with all the brothers. Fuck yeah. Dickey Betts. Oh my fucking aumann. But this is beautiful. I study this. I study him. Look at him. He's not even he just spit. He just fucking spit. Choke.
Every time I used to have to do Kevin and Bean I would do Kevin and being a lot there was only like L.A. radio station that I would do. And you have to get up really early in the morning.
If you want to get there by 7:00, I'd have to leave my house like five in the morning. So it was like fucking dark out. Right. And I would smoke a joint in my driveway and I would play Midnight Rider. I play the Allman Brothers. Ben Knight Rider. Firehawk. Yeah, I got to see on the brothers a few times, did you really where? Columbus, Ohio. God damn. What are they doing?
They used to do a tour with, I believe, like Blues Traveler or somebody like that. There was a few of those jam band type bands. I forget what the tour used to be called.
Do we have Rob Lowe here? On the other day? I saw I saw so much hope. I guess it was amazing, but it made me stop and think about some of the shit that I forgot. That was awesome. You know, when you're hanging out with someone like Rob Lowe, you start thinking about other shit. That was awesome back when, you know, you first found out about him. Yeah.
He's amazing. It's a nice fucking government, Austin Powers, that he's a but he's like a really nice guy in real life, like you meet him like he's everything.
You would hope he'd be really charming, really smart.
He's good on Instagram, too, like his little bears and stuff he makes. He's super legit.
He's a good guy, like a really nice guy. I'm happy to know him. Was fun talking to him, but at a certain point in time we talking to someone that's that famous. It does weird you out like your Rob Lowe like this is so weird.
You just feel so strange. So I said, OK, we'll leave it. Yeah, I think we have to. This is the thing I say Bravo Sting. I don't know. He'll come.
Well, I'll get out of here. There's the tax thing. There's the crime thing. There's the looting thing. There's a no no ability to work for too many people think of school construction work.
So the restriction barbecue is shut down. So Högni Lodges in Van Nuys. You read it how you always make your money. Yeah, they can hang you with anybody on the planet. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. I've eaten amazing barbecue in Austin and Houston and Dallas and Nashville. They have great barbecue, don't get me wrong. But Högni, Wildwoods and Van, I can hang with all them bitches. People just don't know. That's an old school joint I place have been around forever.
It's that nasty strip club. They shoot him over there when I was so fucking embarrassed about this.
A bunch of nasty budget there when one.
What's up with you. Wait give me weird. Looks like the that way you don't love me no matter what.
No I was just thinking of barbecue and strip clubs. Oh OK. You know what they're doing now because the massage parlors and everything's closed and strip clubs and stuff they're having Airbnb sex parties. I guess that's the thing.
Right. That's really fucking spikes coming from.
I thought about you two weeks ago when I went to CVS and I saw a white guy and a hot African-American chick had an argument outside of CBS at nine twenty in the morning. He was a little chubby and they were having some type of loud discussion. I went and I got my medication. I walked out. He's yelling that I want my wallet back, you fucking bitch.
Why did you take me? Because I'm like, I don't know, dirty bitches up in bad shape. So this is how bad it is, why I live now.
So this is my CVS. This is the main one I've been going to for ten years. And also when I walk out, I walk towards my car, but I hear it and go, I want my fucking wallet back, fucking bitch. And she's like, I didn't take your wallet. And what are you going to do? Call the police and tell them what I sucked your dick? Is that not a wedding ring around you on an. And he goes, I don't give a fuck if it's a wedding ring, give me my fucking wallet.
And he hauls off and smacks a DEXA like fuckin name Anakonda. You have to see this is way better than anything you have ever seen. The fucking pimp was down the block. He took off on his fucking car. The wallet fell out of her bra. People ran to me. I didn't have a piece. I got in my car and took off because of all shooting. What Hollywood? Laly. Two days fucking later, I'm at the office.
I go, let me go check on the office, get some shit out of there. I go down the block. I go down fucking Moolarben. I can't Lankershim. I'm stuck by the train station. I'm the third car in the. Inside lane, so going south, down Lankershim. OK, I'm about to hit Magnolia, the federal, all that stuff, but I'm sitting right there across in the train station and all of a sudden I left of my eye.
I see this commotion and I see this woman look it up and all of a sudden I see an ax handle or something hit her and she goes down into the street and it's a white guy with a vest on just hitting people with assholes.
And they're going down one by one says, I see a chubby guy running across the street and fuckin he starts chasing the chubby guy. Traffic is beep, beep, beep, beep. It's 3:00 in the afternoon. And also I go, this is my chance to be a fucking hero. I hope a U-turn. And I'm going to shoot down the street and catch him at the end and hit him with my car. It's been years since I had a motherfucker with my car.
When I get to the corner, the fucking left, the guy sees me. He dropped the ax handle already. He sees me and he runs left instead of right. If he were to rattle right, I would just hit him with the car and kept going. It would have been an accident. I didn't see him. He committed a crime. He dropped the ax and the guy was on the floor and his head was bleeding. And then the guy ran back to the train station to get some more.
What is happening?
That's why I'm leaving the fucking Lankershim man like shit is like fucking nuts. My girl calls me my bye dog. She's married. She's my buddy. She's like, I had a rough day on the set. Can I talk to you? I'll meet you, by the way, like I usually let's smoke a no. We socially distance. She sits in her car and I sit in my car and she tells me about a day on the set and it's ten after nine because I got to catch it before Mersea goes to sleep.
So I mean like a quarter to nine we're talking. I don't think you hear pa pa pa pa pa pa right behind them. We're like, did you fucking hear that? That was right on the fucking corner. I go home, my wife goes, Thank God y'all. She goes, it's all over the place.
There was a shooting at Magnolia Lankershim. She goes to drive by and then the guy they shot at shot like that chicken places that there's a chicken fried chicken. Hot chicken, right. James Hattori?
Yeah, dawg. It's not bueno by me though. Is bueno by a lot of beat the ax handle just came out of nowhere and hit this lady in the head was sitting there minding my own business guy came Jesus Christ axonal.
So it's not bueno. You're seeing more. I see. I went I go to Burbank a lot and I go down Magnolia.
They would say that about New York to random people get sucker punched. New York and Chicago are both really bad right now.
Valley Village Park, a guy was walking his dog at 2:00 in the morning. Four identified men jumped out of a control, beating on, you know, just for no reason.
I don't want what's in Seattle and Portland to come down here and catch. My wife had to go downtown the other day to send money and she goes downtown is just horrible.
I was already horrible to begin with, but it's nightmare. Now, you have stayed up here and up there. Your final conclusion is to get in the car one day next week. I told you and just go say your goodbyes to come stop by yourself. You not to bring nobody but your hand on the wall, make a left on Michiana and then pick a street and make a left turn. You can make another left to get on the one on one and make a mental projection of when this will come back.
But you know what, everybody wants the zombie apocalypse. You got it big, you know, I'm saying you want everybody to have a zombie pretty fast.
Well, everybody wanted society to burn, so, so many people wanted society to burn, but I just don't think they expected it to burn this way. They just didn't want the current system to be in place.
They wanted a more equitable system. Well, this is this is what happens when there's a breakdown was a breakdown, we go back to who we were just a few thousand years ago, like this is why it's so important for civilization to be maintained is not just because, you know, it helps rich people protect their money and helps people feel safe.
It helps everybody grow. You're in a bad state if you got violence everywhere because people can adapt to whatever state they're in. If they just become accustomed to having violence all the time everywhere, it's going to be a much more dangerous place with the same people, same people living in it.
And two years later, it's a far more dangerous place. That's for whatever reason, whatever causes people to lean one way or another like that. That's not a good sign. That's a sign of a very shaky civilization. And I think that we can lean one way or the other here. We can either lean to where we fight more and more violence, more chaos, more destruction, more people angry, or if we can calm the fuck down and figure out a way to work through shit together as human beings.
We're the same people that lived in this this planet two years ago when everything was amazing with the same people.
Yeah, there was always problems on this planet. But when here you are two years later, it's the same human beings we're just confronted with the problem we didn't expect and we didn't do a good job hitting it. We fucked it up. We have to figure out how to do it right. But we have to also figure out how to maintain the God damn economy. You have to have both. You can't just have one thing. You have to figure out a way where people can work for, say, in a safe way.
It's possible. It's got to be what would you do different than Gaza?
I am a moron. Well, I'm not different.
I'm not the guy that you would come to that's going to tell you how to run a city. But I would say you have to realize there's a ratio and there's a ratio of like if people hit a certain amount of poverty and despair, they will think of it.
If they hit a certain amount of despair and unemployment, there's a there's a statistic you could actually find out like they've done studies. You see, it's a correlation between the amount of suicides, the amount of drug addicts, the amount of people who commit crime. They're all connected. People have no choice. They have no way out. And that's what a lot of this is. So we had they focus on one kind of life loss and that's the life lost, lost to the disease.
But they didn't focus on the life loss, loss to the economy collapsing or to people being able unable to pay for their bills and get depressed or suicidal or drug addicts. They didn't factor that, too. You have to factor all that shit in. They didn't do that. The only factor the one thing which was you don't want people to die of the disease. How do we make sure that the hospitals aren't overstaffed?
How how do we make sure that people can work or overloaded? Rather, how do we make sure that people can work safely? And they didn't do a good job of that.
Nobody in America, they never were prepared. So they were prepared. They had no idea how could they?
We were not prepared. And that's why you can't point a finger at anybody.
And I'm not apologizing for them either, because there's probably somebody like Bill Gates or someone like that who saw it coming a while ago. And he would have done a much better job of if you put him in charge of setting something like that up and protecting people from pandemics. And this is how much money you need to hit any sort of problem. If it happens. If you don't, you're not going to be able contain it. If you don't contain it, it's going to spread.
You know, this is an investment you have to make, if you like, laid it out to people in that way who fucking knows what that shit might work. It might have worked. They might have been able to, if not prevent this, maybe slow it down. But even New Zealand just has new cases. New Zealand had no cases for one hundred days. And now they have cases really.
I just read they didn't I believe is today. I believe today they found some new cases.
Still, this shit is crazy, contagious. It's crazy. Contagious.
It's weird. Well, you know, for new cases, shout out to Dana White for the bubble on one house.
He came up to get this working on it. I don't think football is going to work. It's crazy.
That's going to devastate who everyone saw this coming seven months ago. Nobody nobody saw this crazy. Nobody was so tense.
Have you noticed? Everyone's so tense, it's a huge reset, though. I mean, it's going to be interesting to see what's on the other side of this, you know, reset. It might be more positive, maybe not.
But I I feel like whenever things are really bad, like, you know, with riots or looting or craziness, I feel like at the end run, the other end of it, people usually take a deep breath and they try to figure out, OK, what's the solution?
It's getting through the crazy part when people want to smash windows and burn things and you get if we can get through that and get to the point where rational people from both sides are talking.
The problem is a lot of other people have jumped in that aren't rational and they want it all to burn down and, you know, their life's not so great anyway. So they'd be happy to set this federal building on fire. Fuck you.
My dad hates me. If I give you know, there's a lot of that out there. You've got to be real careful with. Like who?
You give a license to light a building on fire. Like who are they doing it on behalf? Is that the wisest way to handle our resources? Would it be better if we just, like, chanted sang songs, maybe like stated our argument know somebody? So many people want to light things on fire. Why? Because they become a part of any like if you have if you have a legitimate cause, it's a really good cause. But a bunch of idiots jump in and start fucking it up like that's what happens with people.
If you just have a cause where anybody can join. And it's one of the most pivotal things.
It's on the news every day and every one every day is fixated on it. Of course, you're going to get attention whores in there. There's attention whores in every single walk of life. You're going to get attention, whores as activists. There's going to be some activists that ruined it for all the other ones. The other ones that were out there really just want things to change. They're really tired of people getting shot by. Cops are really tired of injustice.
They really are. And then there's people that are crazy and want to hit people with bike locks like buildings on fire. They're there, too. That's a problem. The problem is we're all individuals. Whenever we jump into groups like that based on some sort of ideology, there's going to be people on your team that you're not going to agree with. You're stuck with their decisions. You're stuck with what they do.
And then everybody thinks they're fucking heels and everybody wants to be the left wing or right wing. You're either with us or against us, you red or blue. Come on, soon.
It's a message board one on one. There's always a couple people.
You're like, all right, it's dumb. There should be no president. There should be a bunch of people that are in charge of different jobs. It should be like the president of finance, the president of war, the president of agriculture, the president of the environment, someone who only knows that one discipline. You think Trump really has any idea what the fuck they're doing? They're fracking.
He's paid attention to what happens to people's water wells. They're their toilet bowl is on fire. No one knows why. Come on, man. Imagine if you lived in one of those fracking places and you took a shit and it was awful. So you lit a match and you threw it into your bowl hoping you would kill some of the smell of your horrible shit. And then the match hits the fucking bowl and lights on fire because your water is flammable because they're fracking.
That's real. That's totally possible. Do you think Trump knows about that? There's no way he knows about that. He's got 100 different hotels with his name on them. They have giant gold letters. Like that's what I like.
That's what I'm looking for is a ditch in the woods after if you live fracking, he has no interest. No one can. You can only think of so many things.
Man is fracking. What caused that earthquake in North Carolina? It's causing earthquakes everywhere. The number of earthquakes since fracking.
Let's let's before I talk shit, bro science fracking to find out it's where the percentage of increase in earthquake activity was turning more drilling for oil.
Pretty much, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's basically they're drilling into it's a more complicated way of drilling, but through this, they've liberated so much oil that we're not as dependent if we are dependent anymore on international oil.
They've been able to suck a lot of it out of the ground.
But for people that live there, it's horrific. It is a guy name is it Josh Fox who has that book Gasland or a documentary Gasland? I believe that's his name.
He he's been on here before we go about it, which this is from inside science for maybe a year.
What does that say there? Were you highlighted by that highlight? It's just really highlighted already.
Oh, even in Western Canada, only about one in three hundred fracking operations causes earthquakes. Oh, no big deal.
Three hundred, actually, for a person to feel in North America at the moment. Imagine how funny that is. Hey, man, seriously, we only cause one earthquake for every three hundred, which we're changing the earth, only one out.
If they don't tell you how many fracking operations they have. What if they have like three hundred a day across three thousand holes in the ground, which seems like that makes actual sense.
It's probably something high like that.
Yeah. Do you know people have these ranches out in these places and then they, they have these things set up on these ranches where they'll they'll frack and dig into the ground. And good luck if you have like a water source that's connected to that, apparently.
And sometimes the gas gets out of the ground, fucks up the air quality HUF Whoa, that gets dark. They aren't just small quakes. Although fracturing related earthquakes are chronic, they were thought to be minor. But new research is showing they could be quite large and damaging the focus of the study if a five point seven magnitude quake near Praag, Oklahoma, damaged fourteen homes and other structures in the area.
Imagine you're in Oklahoma.
Reason I can just sit on the porch and relax.
We're away from most folks and these fracking motherfuckers. They chewed up the ground under your house like the government has to decide, like how deep under your house is it still your house?
Like if you buy a plot of land and they drink your milkshake. You remember that from that movie, Let There Be Blood. It's like I drink your milk shake. You remember that? You remember I'm talking about dude, do you remember? But one have to see you again. You can see me anytime you want. All right, any time. Let's make scheduled times we see each other.
You're going to do a comedy club, Don. And most likely I'm definitely in to do a podcast. Most likely I'm going to do a comedy club there, too.
Why not be fun for all of us?
What are you going to do to have your first winner? And you're going to be like, why the fuck am I here? Jack, this is Daniel Day. Lewis explained to this guy how he drinks his milkshake.
He explains this guy, how he puts his pipes underneath this dude's land and he drinks his milkshake and nothing you can do about it. It's like it's weird. There's a you know, I don't know how far under your house be taken out of the ground.
The funny thing is I to ten thousand dollars cash on hand.
You've got that promotion. Plus it's still on your your TV's guys. That setting that makes it look like a soap opera has it. Yeah. Both of your TV's have that where it stabilizes the sheik of a natural camera. So now it looks like a soap opera. YouTube. And you do know your TV settings on both of these TV's have your motion plus turned on.
Do you notice that? No. For a while. Yeah, it looks normal to me. Really?
That looks like a soap opera. Yeah. It's got that creepy look where it looks like there's no jiggle in the camera. And everyone it's like there's just tripods everywhere. Really.
Yeah. I would never you see that and pointed out I know what you're talking about but I don't see it. Oh I see it. Huh. Interesting. I hate it so much.
That is the nerdiest video today. But it's one of the worst things to ever. Man, it drives me crazy. I hate it so much, but notice it.
It's like, you know how most TV shows have like a little like like you're holding a camera, like a realistic kind of like breathing of somebody filming it. Right. When the motion plus fix is all that, it makes it so it looks like it's just on a tripod and something hit record in the recording. Somebody's sitting there, it's got this soap opera effect. So it just looks like a cheap camera.
Most TVs have it turned on to begin with because TV companies think that looks better and people want that. But when I see it, I. I get panicky.
Yeah, that's so weird. I never even heard of that or I mean, I have heard of it, but I never thought of it.
Automation plus a motion smoothing feature that eliminates ghosting and blurring that occurs from fast moving images. So it's great on live TV like sporting events or parades which are filmed at 30 frames per second.
That's from Samsung saying that maybe it's just better for sports, though. Maybe it actually is better for sports.
I mean, because most sports are not handheld. You know, it's like overhead stuff, but it doesn't.
Does it affect, like, how it looks when things are moving fast, like if people are sprinting or stuff?
Probably because it's it's it's not there's no jiggle to it, you know, already doesn't have jiggle to begin with. So it's sure.
So would it be better to do it that way with movies.
But the way with the motion shit with like fights and things like that fights probably not, but like football and baseball or something like that, something that's stationary cameras for the most part, huh?
I didn't know that. You know, that kid's got video of Dorking. No. Let me ask me, are you calling the fights this week?
Yes, I yeah, I'm all right. I'm very excited. Vegas. Yeah. The bubble. Yeah. This is a crazy fight, man. The trilogy. Daniel Commune's Deep Modrich.
So you get tested Friday and then I get tested today, Secretary and I'm going to get tested again, probably like myself on Thursday to take a shit load of vitamins.
I don't want to d yeah. That's gonna keep me away from people wearing a mask. That's a big fight man. It's a real big fight.
And when you get those hot sauna things, do you have somebody's baby sitting in the outside? You just be like, hey, check on me every ten minutes. I might because are you scared of passing out or something like that? Is that a thing you don't know?
Who you talking to? Oh, that's what I worry about. My Wil's too strong to be hallucinating next year to wake up and be Bakan. No, it's not that bad, dude.
180 degrees legitimately. It sounds hot, but once you get accustomed to it, because I've been doing it for months and months, like I started out, I would do like one hundred and fifty or hundred and sixty hundred and seventy. And then I went to high. I got way over like 220. I was in like the two twenties. It was too hot. I was cooking. I come out, my throat would hurt my dad. Stupid.
Laird Hamilton is a freak of nature.
I don't know what's what the fuck's flown through that guy's veins. He's got some fucking mercury flowing through his veins. But then I got to about 180 180s like tolerable. But it's it's a struggle. Like if you do one eighty four a half an hour.
Oh, those last five minutes are rough. You want to get the fuck out of there.
I can do a little dance with your mind. You know, you're telling you telling your body who the fuck is in charge here.
Sit down, just deal with it. Just breathe in your five minutes. How are you gonna get through this? You're going to get through with breathing. You want to listen to a book to sit the fuck down and deal with it. It's good. I like that guy. He's a freak, Laird Hamilton wears oven mitts and he check, he cranks that shit up to 250 degrees and rides an Aerodyne bike.
Jesus mismo smells awesome.
Smells like success. Smells like a fucking man.
Yeah, he's he's a freak, crazy surfer man, like some of the surfing shit. You watch him and he's just dedicated to continuing that lifestyle, keeping his body fit like deep into his fifties. I think he's like fifty five dudes. The savage going hard out there and it's two hundred fifty degrees on with a fucking aerodyne bike inside of it.
Very unusual. Do you mean you got to be someone really special.
Is that your number one thing that you love to do is ride 100 foot waves.
No one thing you want to do is balance on the fucking tip of the ferocious nature of the ocean. You're balancing on the waves themselves. You're inside the mouth of the most ferocious aspect of the ocean, the biggest waves before they break on the shore and guys like him.
Let's look at this man that you have to be a crazy person to want to do that. Look at that. That's amazing. I'm going to get back on fucking stage.
I know. I know. So to do a line of code, put that put those headphones on in here so I don't wanna fucking do a show in a parking lot and then of course dominate for another four months.
That's like showing up on a line of coke and leaving me alone.
Yeah. Fuck you. I'm ready to start from scratch.
I'm excited to do some Bob Gonzo shows and just fucking just do some creepy shit again and fucking work so dirty in the endurance.
Go take a little while. I'm not gonna lie to you all going to be a little fucking rusty.
Do you have any recordings. Old ones. You should record your shows on your phone from now on hard.
That's great. That way you can always go back and you always knowing your material, it's like it helps. So important what I was thinking five months ago and I'm thinking now is completely different.
Oh yeah, for sure. But what I'm saying is you'll have bands, you'll have your bits of whatever.
No, I don't think is now too. I don't ever want to say those bits again. I was saying in February, meeting recorder.
You got to record it gives a fuck. I do.
It's what I feel now. You got to save it.
We got to talk about what's going on now, what happened the last five months, the breakdowns, what happened, something that happened to you all at once. You going to come back with some? OK, but I'm going to come back with Gabe. Bob is my neighbor. What kind of comic could I be? That's what the problem with comedy is. I can't wait to watch a guy like you. You know, he's going to like that stage on fire.
First to Bill Burr at home with a new kid. Four months. You're never going to see anything like that the first time.
Oh, I can't wait to hear him talking about. You're not going to fucking you know, please. I've got to go to Bill Bilborough right now.
Yeah, he's at home with two kids. First time, you know, hasn't done Dick what have a great guy playing the drums in his basement.
He's going to come at this with a complete different outlook. He's going to attack somebody. You know, somebody is going to go down hard. Yeah.
You know, there's guys that, you know, a lot of people are going down hard yet.
We're going to go out there like fucking gangbusters.
Well, I just don't think it's going to happen. April. Mm hmm. That's what I say. April.
So they come up with some kind of a vaccine right now.
They're saying January, but they're saying January and they're winking at you.
Yeah, it's by the time everyone gets around getting it and everything I'd say or so. Do you guys think they should let people work?
Depends what type of job they're doing at a social distance, you know what I love? I'm a fat fuck. I don't go there. But the burger joint and in and out social distancing that I just ate there the other day, distancing enough.
What do they make? People wear masks inside their mask and gloves and they really try their best.
But the jobs that you just can I went to get my haircut done for that that week that it was open. It was the I thought the safest I've ever been shooting scars.
And they're feeling the hair of people right now.
Isn't it true that California is the only state like is that true? California is the only state that doesn't want hairdressers open. So that map. Yeah. Is that true, though? I retweeted that map, I didn't even check and they said that can only do it outside.
You can't have a single say. You can cut hair and windy outside shit like it's the dumbest idea.
And then what happens when it gets dark? You get to stop and think what you can stay open till 8:00, 9:00 at night.
And if they try to do it in their house, they can't do it, you know, and do a shield. So you have to have your hand to shield shields in the water and then they spread them.
And then you have to have the thing, you know, listen, you're only stopping the Vietnamese and Orange County, the ones that built those tunnels with Mexico, they don't fucking stop those Vietnamese Orange County, they're opening shop.
They don't give a fuck this.
What about the dudes in Jersey? They threw in jail opening up the gym.
Oh, you mean they're hitting them with some crazy fines, like fifteen thousand dollars a day.
They're going to lose their license so you can get a haircut outside as of July 20th. Twenty nine. Yeah, but no one's doing that.
Right. But what? And my and my friends do hair out here, they said that they can't even like, have you come to their house because if they find out the hair association, they'll pull their license. They're not allowed.
The question, though, was, is California the only state that bans tried looking at them?
It doesn't. Hmm. It seems doesn't.
But then again. Right, if you're if you're someone who's fucking you can make 600 bucks from the government or you can take a risk of getting some disease, it might kill you to clean someone's nails.
Yeah, but the problem is, from what I'm hearing, is a lot of people are not getting any checks like they got one big one and then they haven't heard anything for months. You can't call anybody. You can't get anything. So it's like I have to pay rent. So what am I going to do exactly?
Do I feel you 100 percent? I don't have like when I look at this, I don't have a clear way out of this because I feel like if everybody just went back to work and wore masks, how much quicker with the disease spread? People are working like they used to be working side by side with people just wearing masks. How much would that stop that? I don't know what does that look like? I mean, is the only reason why there's not a fucking heap more dead bodies because we killed the economy?
I don't know, man. I'm too stupid.
I like to think that's the way reason, you know, like, it seems like that makes sense.
My worry is that they like telling people what to do. That's my worry. People like telling people what to do. They love it. Stay inside. Do this, do that. Where a red flag, you know, wear a blue t shirt.
People love getting people to comply with everything.
And if all of a sudden they have this power to keep you from comply with anything, why didn't have to. OK, I got lucky tonight. But a lot of people that I go to parties. No, no, they go to the park. No, to what do I need to go to a bar and not really do I need to go to a restaurant.
I don't even like fucking sitting next to people before covid. OK, so you won't see me in a restaurant till fucking sign to narrow. You understand me? There's things that, you know, if you're going to stand out here with 40 people for a piece of chicken, you should be shot and then shot again. There's just certain things. You know, I was very, very, very, very, very and you know, this upset about the stand out.
And I pleaded with you not to go to Houston, I called Brendan as a man, I understand the need to need money, but I don't understand the need. There's only one Dave Chappelle. So everybody should stay home and mind their fucking business. Nobody needs to go on the fucking road because by a hit, it was like you going on the road. We have a little power now.
We all stay home as covid. It's time for you to close. People are fucking dying.
Where were the rates? The highest. Arizona, Texas, Florida. What with comedy clubs are open. Arizona, County, Florida. Listen, I ain't point they might be giving you a fucking fact, OK? We never played with me to not go to Houston. There was no plea.
No, I told you that Thursday. I said, mind your fucking business and stay out of this week's program.
Why are you going? Why are you going to Texas? I want to go comedy. So in full capacity, no comedy where you wear a mask, you come in and then I just me I'm nervous.
I'm not going back on the road no more.
Yeah, I didn't say like this cocksucker. I canceled the rest of my tours. This is terrible. I just got a blood test. I got my knees checked. I was Brendan and fucking the other guy. Got it. That set you off a little bit. Oh, it did.
And you have children and you have a wife and you have responsibilities. Well, here's the big thing. And you have his so guests.
If if I got you sick or you sick or. Yeah. Jamie sick or anybody working here, that, that would be.
Oh please. I thought you could do it.
Mike, if the health department says you can do it and you know they social distance and you wear a mask and you could do it. But then I got there, Mike, you probably can you probably can like four or five times or eight to ten times or 12 out of 15 times.
But you can it's going to catch you. It's going to get you. If you're in these large groups of people and everybody's laughing like what is better? It's bringing a disease.
You know what?
I don't watch other part of the game is taking a picture of people. Yeah. And answering a question. You know, it took away that alienation of it. So I'm done that I'm done there. I don't want six people in the green room. I don't need those dangerous and I don't need the guy coming in. How much time do you want to do the music guy? I don't need any help.
They're finding out now. I'm doing this is real stuff. We're doing all this stuff by the book. I won't do it. I'll do it at certain places.
But even by the book needs to be examined. Like what book?
By the book is why the book wants to sit in my fucking car three feet from the fucking door when I'm three minutes to go up. You're not on the fucking door. I go in, I do the comedy and I go back in my fucking car in between shows and I take a ride. Oh, and I come back at ten forty when I would be seated and you do it again. You can't go in the fucking green room with water because anything after three or four people we got it.
Yeah. It's like going to a fucking orgy. You got it. So now you're going to go out there. I don't know about you but when I fucking you know, when I was a kid, people told me, Joey, give me the news, not the weather. I spit when I talk, so I don't want nobody ten feet.
It's really thirty feet. If you really think about the distance of thirty point three thirty real something fucking crazy. Some look at my fucking lungs. Look at my stomach. Well I got excited. I'm fucking yelling.
I'm doing a fucking bit me my feet. I got this drilled my teeth. You know what I smelt well.
Do you know what I smelt them my teeth and pubic fucking is fucking the stink in my teeth when they drilled. They drill your mouth and you snore your teeth burning and whatever is stuck in between there, you know, I mean, it's a fucking nightmare. So I don't know. We were talking about this with strong shallow. I'm talking about that that that's my concern about stand up comedy. We're all going to get covered eventually. You're going to get it.
We're all going to be strong enough.
We're going to survive. That's OK. My thing is the social on the certainly the one show where somebody gets up and says, fuck you and somebody throws a bottle and we have a problem. You know what? We have too much of that going on right now. So for that, I will not go on stage until everybody's settled. Everybody is happy. The vibe is better. Go on, you go. Your salvation right now in isolation is the Internet and you go on the Internet and you get on feeling even worse than what you felt like when you went on it.
You avoid the TV. If you have any intelligence level right now, you have to avoid the TV. And if you throw Don Lemon on or the other fucking cocksucker, it's even fucking worse, Don Lemon, I'll say kick them in the lung if I see that comes up beside me and Chris Cuomo crying. What the fuck is wrong with you, cocksucker? I used to like them.
Then I started crying and shit like they got them and I had to stop watching all that nonsense. ABC News is not the most watched news. It's a fucking business.
It's a business. And that petrify you. Yes. So I turned all that shit off everything. I'm cancelling Facebook pretty much. This is why I said the Patra important what you just said.
It's very important. You know, the news is a business.
It's a business guy. It's all over. You know, I'm done. I'm done, if it was up to me, Joe Rogan, I would have moved to Montana. You know, why didn't you move to Montana?
Because the next move. I don't know. Let's let's just get out of California detox a little bit and let's talk.
Let's talk. Let's talk. OK, let's get a ranch. I say open up a club in Billings I'm in.
That's a theater slash.
OK, let's call it man just for so everybody knows where we're coming from. How many cult, many a comedy, many comedy, many calls, 60 male comedy guys who believe in comedy that can be done, bring your wife, bring you Montana, Montana to regular schools.
But we all, by certain certain comedies, a movie, no TV rights, no cake, no people fucking.
I want Emilio Estevez to play me.
I really hope that's that Emilio best investment plan.
And when the movie came up, he was too old for the movie and that's his brother Charlie. Charlie Sheen. Tremendous. Has a tremendous damage.
What a good fucking movie. That was great to do.
There he is saying it's a masterpiece. He didn't do anything.
A million anything. Yeah. What do you mean, playing with your fingers?
He's going to have to end this podcast right there.
Well, I hope you're wrong about April, but whenever it is, we'll we'll be more appreciative, I think.
Can an alligator survive without eating? Yeah. For a long time, I heard it could never die from starvation. Is that real?
I don't know. I know they know that for sure.
Crocodiles have gone without eating for a whole year. What's with the crocodile question?
Somebody told me that I can't stop thinking about it. Solid question, because what if they don't starve to death? They just shrink.
Right. And I also heard lobsters, but I heard that was fake, that lobsters lobsters don't have to eat. Oh, good. Yeah, that makes sense of you until you shrink, if you don't have enough food, you get down like nothing, right? And then you're down to one cell.
Wow, that's interesting. They just shrink by cells. It is only can be killed by starvation or accidents.
It says crocodiles have no recognized finite lifespan. Instead, they just get bigger and bigger until they inevitably they're inevitably killed out by starvation, accidents or disease.
This is the reason we don't see crocodiles the size of a Boeing 747 in the wild.
So if there was an unlimited amount of food forever and no disease, we vaccinated crocodiles and gave an unlimited amount of food, then there would be dinosaurs that basically dinosaurs.
What didn't we figure that out the other day, that crocodiles are as old as some dinosaurs are? Dinosaurs were like 65 million years ago, but crocodiles go back like 100 million years. Wasn't that what it was? So they're pretty.
They're dinosaurs. Yeah. They're just still around or just hungry dinosaurs. Have you seen an alligator in real life? Yeah, it's so confusing. So why is it right there? And why is everybody not freaking out? 80 million years ago.
So that's 15 million years older than when the asteroid hit and killed everything. So they're fucking dinosaurs. Did I remember seeing one for the first time? Is it Lake Alice? It's in Gainesville, Florida. My dad was going to school in Gainesville. We were down there. And what's this like? You throw marshmallows in the water and alligators come and get it? I was like, this is the strangest shit in the world. There's a 10 foot lizard.
Just eat a marshmallow in front of me.
And I'm not even worried about it. Like when in the world he's a fucking giant dinosaur, like feet in front of you and you're not freaking out across. Crocodiles were too mean. They became too dangerous and no one wanted them around.
But alligators looked like crocodiles, but they just chill enough that people don't freak out too much if they're around.
That was their trick. That's how they stayed alive. They just move slower, move slower and didn't attack as much. But they're fucking everywhere, man. If you live in Florida, you get alligators in the yard all the time. People want to live in Florida, like, OK, there's alligators out.
There's a video of the day, a big alligator and a bobcat duking it out, going viral. Oh, my God. Look at that thing. Look at that cat. It gets it. Gets it. Yeah. Oh, for sure it gets it.
The big cats and like, Cayman's down in the oh my God bites.
I'm right in the head.
But big cats like Cayman's that live down in the Everglades or not the Everglades, the Amazon, the those leopards or jaguars, they eat crocodiles down there all the time.
There's a whole bunch of videos of them. They jump in the water behind crocodiles and bite them in the head. Cats are the scariest. But a crocodile and an alligator, that's a real live dinosaur, just chillin at your golf course. Congratulations.
It's like Godzilla versus more to do for your birthday dog.
It's my birthday. So this is my celebration. This is it. We don't the wife you hold, you know the baby.
We'll do something, you know, probably like that. Maybe I should have a hamburger. Yeah, but now they're frozen.
Jesus Christ. Bad I fucking pancakes. I went to that pancake place in Burbank. What a mistake. Which one, Patty?
Any one international bank. Oh yeah.
That's my God. That is fucked. That place is bad. That's a mighty good pancake. Was a place in Boulder.
You got to go get some real pancakes. The ones that are not uniform I don't like. I'm not a big guy.
I used to be allergic to Sarah.
I love pancakes for the five minutes I'm eating them. And then afterwards I feel like shit for days.
Yeah, I think McGriddles enough. I know that's not enough. Okay. So I love McCrindle. Yeah. Oh my God. He turned me into because I remember when they first came out, you and Tate Fletcher. So this is so delicious. You can't help yourself. You don't even care what you're saying which is you. I still do.
I really love my daughter back like that cocksucking two or three zero eight two or three of those flatfish.
Your asshole smells like I threw lavish good. Well don't look at it but.
But you can't tell me that McCrindle doesn't taste delicious. That's a delicious thing.
I have you had one when I first came out.
It's a delicious combination with the mystery meat and the cheese. Oh, Jesus. And that that fake syrupy, spongy bread bun.
It's good I could do a fucking Egg McMuffin if I like Wendy's bacon and stuff.
I like Egg McMuffin. I'm really tired. I'm like, fuck it. I get on my griddle. I'm like, I don't know, that's a pork. Give it to me griddle. Yeah. You get sausage or bacon, right. You get a bald liquid on the griddle. Yeah. No they had that one sandwich. That was the rib.
McRib they ain't they spray paint the the boning. Yeah.
It's that real. Oh they don't spray painted whatever the fuck they do. So they have a machine that makes this understand about the McRib.
Why, why do they ever take it off the menu if people like it so much.
Because limited time only because they it's it's they don't it's only it's like a season.
It comes really looking back on it.
OK, I was hoping it was like that at that time.
They can only buy a large amount of meat.
They can't buy all it's frequent, it's permanent on the menu in Germany and sure.
So head over there several times and they don't like manipulation over their fries and on the menu all year.
What are you doing? You're manipulating people's desires.
I don't think so. They don't even allow Scientology in Germany.
Good. They won't allow the like. Excuse me. What you're saying. You're saying that the guy who writes the science fiction books comes up with the best religion and you don't want to pay taxes. That might be the worst German accent of all time conspiracies about why it's not on the menu all the time.
So it's a deep debated topic, probably because it kills you.
It probably kills you. They probably know that if they give it to people, forty days really just start dropping dead. So they will like, listen, just just give them twenty days of McRib.
Problem solved. If they if they buy, if they buy twenty days of ribs then they die thirty six day.
There's no way they connect us once a month I get zapped and they're going to get a happy meal.
Happy the toilers. My daughter. How the fuck is wrong with your husband. What is wrong with you. I got to go. And not since the epidemic. Now we drive and they always give you the wrong toy anyway. What's the right toy? The one that they advertise you fuck.
Not the one I'm going to try. They'll get the fucking one. I don't know. And then I got eighty eight bit. Oh well I didn't know.
So two weeks ago I had to go in there with the mask on and go. I talk to somebody, listen I got a daughter the last two times you come in here you advertised emoji but you gave me this tick tock, what the fuck it is now.
And the manager said Let me help you out. And she gave me the toy I wanted and my daughter was happy.
But the last time I even tell them she's a girl, sometimes she's your boy. Is she a girl? She came here for a certain fucking thing. And you gave us something else that's miss representation.
So how are we going to get fired up? And therefore, I didn't know they had different ones. Yeah, they tell you that, listen, don't ask didn't they try to outlaw those some places they tried to outlaw giving toys in Happy Meals because they're like none. Kids like them too much. It's forcing kids to eat bad because they want that toy.
I give you the apple slices, three of those. Listen, I grew up in a house where I was on allowed the fast food only in Miami. My cousins from my mom didn't allow it. Yeah, I think I was allowed to eat was don't. And I called chicken delight. Oh, I used to order that. She would say, you're not going to eat my rice and beans. Not really.
And also maybe she go on to the fact that somebody don't cook the like a chicken boy five hours out, make three pieces of chicken, some ruffle fries and a little piece of jelly. And those days I was really wanted to be American. So I did my French fries and the jelly. That's what my gross days when I first came from Cuba. I don't cook tonight called chicken the chili.
What is that Cuban place that you took me to, the one that used to be near my house in Encino, the one that's on Ventor? What's that place called?
I forget that there are three of them that could be different.
I don't go there. I go to Cochinita. We ate there once and I had that garlic chicken with the onions from my.
Man, that our state is the name of that love vs.. I knew it, but I was just as you were pulling it up. I feel like I saw it first.
We're going to go on this. I remember. I mean, what do you all go there?
I'd love that place if they. Does it show an image of that chicken with onions, with raw onions? It's a garlic chicken with raw onion. That's the pork. And he was there with John. Jack. God damn. It's good. That's it right there.
That's over there with the plantains. Whoa. There's something about Latin food, right?
Like there's almost like a there's a pop to it that like other like there's the spices and shit for Cuban food, Cuban food, like really like spicy Spanish food does something about the pop of those ingredients.
You know what, that fucking garlic chicken with the raw onions in that sauce, that's like a lemon sauce that they had.
Wasn't it like a lemony garlic sauce, garlic lemon. God damn, that was good.
Kick in the door within the four four. Oh yeah. But don't hit me. No more subtopic hit touching my hand because I love you. I miss you.
I haven't seen you in three fucking months. Listen, if we all move to a different place, maybe we'll love each other more and we'll get together in a specific spot.
I'm moving to Texas too, man. I'm getting the fuck out of LA saying I want to you move. I may wait a while, you know, and I will get their feet on people.
People are really worried about taxes, Joey. I know they're because they're talking about raising them up so significantly and lowering the police and the funding the police from the schools.
And just hear this from my wife.
Every night I get the fuck. Yeah. Cutting the education budget, the education budget, no school all year. It's crazy. Don't want to mix and match. It's tough. I just want a garage in a basement.
That's all I need is Joe Rogan. I did more than I thought I'd ever do. You know what? I was at the store at a different time than kind of some days, and it was just magical. But sometimes I'd rather not be Willie Mays and go play for the Mets. Willie Mays was smart. He would have gone out with the San Francisco Giants. That's exactly what I'm going. Hmm. I'm not going to do.
Tom Brady, you just won six championships. I want to go to Tampa Bay. And do what? Is it time to say goodbye? She used to say it was that lady we grew up on. It's so nice we had this time together just to have a laugh or sing a song. I have no idea who is the worst. Carol Burnett.
And before you know, it's the time we have to say so, you can ask you is have you adapted well?
Are you adapted, if you like, what to do? This is normal. This is your new life now. This is life. This is this is what it is. Stand up.
You stand up. I must stand up. I'm pull on the podcast. I'm running the church the same way. I want to walk out like a man with my feet instead of walking on my knees. I got some ideas. But my plan right now is to leave quarantine for 10 days, move into the house, put my daughter in school, shoot a couple of days in The Sopranos, and then you and I talk business. OK. I will call on.
We'll decide what we're going to do if we go to Montana Redvale, it's going to be cold and the fuck it's cold. We're going to put money up. But we need to learn how to chop wood.
I know how I ran away from all of that, like building medical.
We go there's two or three places in Montana that made us welcome us with a tax break with the whole thing. If we just opened up a comedy club in Montana, people would love to see Brendan shot Montana. But I would love to see Kiltartan twice too easy. And we got to fight the alligators.
It's probably Hawaii's. You couldn't even fly there. Yeah, right. Right. Now, if you fly there, you have to wait for two weeks. Yeah, well, I think it goes to September 1st, doesn't it. Something along those lines.
I want Montana because it's hard to get a connecting flight. Right. Uta means.
Yeah, Montana is a pain in the ass to get to Utah to and Montana is going to break out the week and it's going to make you stronger.
You're going to be a stronger person. What's Montana weight loss.
Yeah, August 11th, reinstated beginning August 11th. Mandatory 14 day quarantine has been a partial interisland quarantine reinstated. OK, yeah.
They're not fucking around in Florida or excuse me, in Hawaii. They don't want people to get it. Get on the island. Yeah, I mean, it makes sense. Yeah. They they've got they can't get away from it, you know, it's like if they catch it on one of those islands, it spreads through the whole fucking shit.
They close borders of every state.
It's a good question, man. It's like, what if this a per capita right now, Arizona has the wars. Is it? I call the guy kidnapped the other night to check in with him just to make sure, you know, we call the producers.
We heard he was having a rough time, so I called to see if he needed anything. And he told me he doesn't leave the house because he's got his mom has PTSD. He takes care of his mom.
So he's in Tucson, Arizona, as you said, that per capita is the worst spot in the world.
Sick got hit, that he's very, very scared.
So if you just me, where there's my migrant workers, they get hit anywhere. There's, you know, people that don't believe in mass, they get hit were a lot of like churches, people that want to go to church. They don't give a fuck. They start singing in church. They get hit. It's like those are the people that get hit, like churches.
Unfortunately, people when they say, like, you can't ban houses of worship, like, boy, that's a tough one because everybody's yelling, oh, listen, I want to go to church.
But church is where you are. There's anyway. Yeah. So enough with the churches where you are. But they need to make us understand.
You have to go and see and sing and dance. Well, you know what for right now from right. What's going on right now. I don't know what's in the Constitution. I don't know what's in the federation. I don't know. I'm just saying that for right now, if you want to have to congregate anything over eight people, you're playing with fire and even with six people.
But even then, you want to know who those where those people are. They're living with you. Fine.
But if you don't know it, they should figure out a way to do it outside.
My friend, who is a pastor in Ohio, does that outside every Sunday totally can be done in a park? Yeah, they can do it. You can do it outside until it gets really cold out and then you're fucking cold. Then you got to get a bonfire going. Yeah. Then it's seven Jesus bonfire every Sunday.
Yeah, that sucks, right? Sather and Minton's on your fate.
Like fuck this dad. Come on. Which the vaccine. Dad, I don't want to go to church by the bonfire. Joe Montana is the guy. I love you, too. I love you, I love you with all my heart. I love you, too. My wedding. And I love you, baby. We're family here. Doesn't mean not for real.
Think about I mean, I hate to keep us going for a second here, but think about how weird this has been like doing these podcasts over these years that's changed all of our lives.
Now, where it is, you just talk into a microphone to talk shit and do it over and over and over and over again.
And people just enjoy the episodes. Woody, what's your new thing going to be after you do the church? What do you call it? I do not know yet. I'm thinking of different ideas called the New Testament. No, I wouldn't take your show ideas on.
First of all. First of all, I mean, take your thing of using my name, OK? You've always told me to use my name. Absolutely.
I think if you're going to be Uncle Joey, something with Uncle Joey, Uncle Joe ideas, Uncle Joey.
POW, wow. Well, that's great. You know, I don't know I don't know what I want to do yet. Let me figure out these steps to the 24th or whatever, OK?
But whatever you do today and here's something you have to do. Go ahead. You have to sell, you know, me dog shirts, you know, so shirts.
You know me dog. Because I mean, nine out of ten, all the fucking best stories you've ever told me. Start with, you know, my dog.
There's a, you know, me dog when the story gets crazy.
If you just had a shirt that says, you know me dog, that would be a gigantic hit get right.
Guaranteed. Absolutely. Do it before those fucking hyenas out there. The people that are. Listen to this. You got a guy who does T-shirts, right? Yeah. Make that motherfucker up a shirt that says, you know me dog. I guarantee you they'll sell like crazy and spirits spirit, good spirits with exclamation point. All right. I love this and I love you guys. Guys, thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, friends, for tuning into the show.
And thank you to Stamps.com. They're going to hook you up with a four week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale without any long term commitment. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Jarry. That's Stamps.com and enter j r e. We're also brought to you by Liquid IV, liquid IV. Drink their product every day, their hydration drink mix and now they have their energy multiplier. It's got the same boost you get from one to two cups of coffee.
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