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We were at the Comedy Store the other night and we hadn't seen each other in person in months since the covid and we were having so much fun. We were laughing so hard. And Whitney Cummings was scheduled to be on the podcast today and we had been in this fucking savaged text chain making each other laugh. And I said to Whitney said, What do you think about like having Andy come on with us? And she was like, fuck, yeah.
And it was the right call. These two together are hilarious, like as funny as any two human beings together on Earth. And I really think they should do their own podcast. I know you've heard that from me before and you can hear it during the podcast, but I think I'm right. I think they'll dominate the girl team podcast game anyway.
Please give it up for the great and powerful Annie Letterman and Whitney Cummings girlfriend podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience, trained by Joe Rogan podcast by Night All Day. First of all, how do you two not have a show together? I don't hang out with you guys the other night at the store. First of all, how much fun was the vest? It was fun. But is that what did. I can't remember because it's been so long. It's been like six months now.
Was that would every night was like a lot of nights were like they just had the craziest like a circus freak, not just laughing constantly. We used to go to the back bar and crack each other up. Now, that was the constant thing for us, either in the back bar or the back smoking area. And everybody was laughing. Yeah.
And you get like a low grade depression when you're not around and you forget you forget for months and months and months.
And then we had one night we were all just shooting up and say, ridiculous. I do feel like I had like a crush on the night. Like, I kept thinking about it like we'd fucked for the first time. I was like, fuck that night. And I'm thinking about meeting and texting with you guys. Do you remember this three days replaying that I remember when you said this stuff is so funny.
I got so emotional when I pulled up and then I walked into the store, I almost cried. I was like, I can't believe I'm here like this.
And then it just this this. It's not like any look, if I had been away for five months and I came back, I'm like, I can't believe I'm here to be great. But I was like, oh, is here going to ever be here again?
There's never going to be what it used to be because it didn't there's no reason why it shouldn't be if we could do it the other night. Yeah. I mean, the way we did it the other night, everybody gets tested, you go and hang out and it's fun.
And we used to do tests, but we do our covid.
Unfortunately, my chlamydia killed mikovits on each other as a way we think. Fingers crossed. We don't know. Right. What if it's an annual thing and it keeps coming back?
I have a friend who got malaria and then he got malaria again when he got sick. So it had been dormant inside of his system. My friend Justin, when he runs Fight for the Forgotten, he does charities in the Congo. We builds wells for the Pygmies and he's there and he got malaria three fucking times. And so he goes over there, he gets malaria like deathly ill, comes back and then he beats it, does all the medication.
Then a long time later, he gets really sick. And when he gets sick, the malaria kicks back in again. And he wasn't even in the Congo.
The malaria is like not to be forgotten. This is a charity for me. Malaria has killed more people than anything. That's right.
Like anything more than wars. I thought my dad needed malaria. He was born and his he was born in Panama because his dad was stationed there and he got malaria when I was a baby. But it never came up again. And having problems with Jamie didn't.
We looked at something then they say that, no, I fucked us up, that malaria is killed. Half the people have ever died ever.
Whoa, something like that. When we looked it up, it's been exaggerated a little bit, but it's definitely killed a lot of people. Let's say if we say a quarter, it's probably pretty something like imagine that. Just let's say a twenty five percent of all the people have ever died ever from Budden killed by malaria mosquitoes. Right. So they just I just put this on my Twitter or my Instagram that they released or they're about to release some fucking untold hundreds of millions of genetically modified mosquitoes in the Everglades.
Glades are in the Florida Keys of the Florida Keys, I think. Who the fuck knows? And what is this supposed to do? I don't know. You get some fucking. Did you read it? Delivering the vaccine? I just got scared away from it.
Then I got a text from a friend of mine, his biology, and he was like, what the fuck are they doing if you're scared now? I'm really scared. I saw you post that.
I was like, maybe I should read the article. And then I was like, Reading's really challenging. Maybe I'll just go. I'm still catching about murder horn.
It's like I still don't know what happened with the tape. Like, I'm so every day is some crazy adrenalized story.
I think the tape is real. And is it going to come out like right before the election if it does come out before the election?
But does it work now because of the Maylin thing like people are? They're voting already, right?
Right, right. I think we are sort of at a point where nothing fucking matters. We're in this sort of like, nihilistic thing where it's like if a tape came out right now of Trump, like peeing on someone would just be like, I don't care.
Nobody cares about Trump. Aren't like I like him because of how he treats women as long I like how he doesn't pee on women. I love how women leave the room with them dry from you.
As long as he didn't apologize, he'd be fine. Yeah, exactly. As soon as you apologize, you're fucked. You can't cancel Trump. It's like it's like in a car accident. The first person to apologize, it's their fault. So you've got to just get out in the car accident. Just be like, what the fuck, man? What the fuck was up.
But it is a gross thing when someone hits you and then they say that was your fault. You're like, oh, never apologize.
You told me that your dad taught you that, right? Never apologize. Yep. Which you told me after I got in a car accident. Like the one advice my dad gave me that was the best advice was when you're in a car accident, never say sorry because you'll get blamed for it.
But what if you actually actually did it? Then you should say sorry if you hit somebody with your car.
Now, you look like I'm going to sue the shit out of you missing a leg. I'm not paying for that.
Don't you think you should say sorry if your rear end someone? Of course. Yeah, I did that.
I was thinking about you because you posted that irresistable, that birthday. Dude, I regret someone texting like a year ago. And I got out and I was like, I know I need to have a consequence for this behavior because I was texting and driving.
Well, you have to get the consequence. Caitlyn Jenner, you have to become a man. You have to translate. Can you give me your doctor? Well, there was no comment. That's how you avoid the consequences, right? Because nobody even talks about the Caitlyn Jenner thing. Yeah.
The joke was like he harvested the vagina of the girl. Oh, my God. That that is so much, honestly. That's Kurt Metzger. And he has been canceled in a couple of years to be canceled. Such a Kirt joke. He's going to be like, fuck you guys. You just cancel.
He's he's it's a travesty that that guy's not more well known. And every time I do a podcast with him, too, he's he's funny on podcast. He's smart as fuck. He's really well read. He's great. Yeah.
His ideas are very unique, funny, smart. Like something that was so important at the Comedy Store the other night is that these last six months have sort of hoodwinked me into believing that, like, jokes are dead, that we're not allowed to make jokes anymore. Right. And because Twitter sort of, you know, we're hallucinating with all the shit we're seeing on Twitter and blowing it up to be bigger than it should be.
But like, as soon as I saw Tony Hinchcliffe, I so I said, like, everyone exploded in laughter. And I was like, oh yeah, look at back. Oh, he's the best for that.
That little motherfucker will say the most evil moment.
Something happens too soon for I mean. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I, I don't think we're designed to just be on the Internet.
If you're just on the Internet, not seeing human beings making jokes about actual people, you can be tricked into thinking that that shit's real.
Well, Stan Hope really said it best once he said I could quit comedy, but I couldn't quit comics. And that's what the other night was like.
Like I've had my little fix where I did a weekend in Houston a couple a month or so ago. But it wasn't as fun as last night.
That was the most fun because it was just a bunch of comics and just laughing at each other and saying a recession. Hansell talking over each other. I was just like, amazing.
But it's the art form of saying shit you don't really mean and everyone knows it. We all know like if you say something really gross to me, I know you don't mean it. And I'm laughing hard. It's like it's understood.
And it's also understood that you're you're taking a big fucking chance with our friendship by saying this shit around me. Yes.
Because it trust me, it's like the ultimate trust fall or something. I'm going to say some crazy shit to you.
You're not going to abandon me or judge me and we're going to be it's like a trauma bonded by trauma, by my special bond trauma that she's I'm going to name it. I'm going to name a special trauma bond. Yeah. That's a great name for a special.
But yeah, no, I've said some things to you where you've looked at me like and I'm like, are we not friends anymore. Like there's two things I said to you that I'll never forget and I like because I just say things when they come to my head. Yeah, yeah.
If I react that way it's because I have to react that way.
It's like I was like, do you think you have CTE? And like you could possibly like at one point, like murder your family. Yeah. Do you, what do you think I could do. And I was like, oh I don't know.
But you know, part of the fun is mock, right?
Yeah. It's like, fuck, did you just say to me it's like emotional sparring or something, you know? And it's really fucked up because, like, just what's been going on the last couple of years, you know, it's like I never feel more equal. Like when people don't talk about men and women, I never feel more equal than when a male comic is fucking pummeling me because they are not physically.
They know I can fucking take it. You know, you come right back. That's exactly that's what's fun about it. It's like they're not doing it to be a bully. They know they're doing it because you want to spar and you can handle you like, OK, bitch, let's go. And then nobody wants you to go like oh and then like sulk and walk away.
That is. Thank you for everything.
Thank you for nothing. I'm fragile but it is funny when you just go like a little too far.
Well that's the risk. Well the pink hair thing I wrote about you, I was like she got mad at me about what she tweeted. We were face time last night and she tweeted a picture, Instagram, a picture of it, and she goes, and I let him in. You're a mess. And I wrote, OK, pink hair.
That's nothing. I don't know. I was just like, is she going to get offended?
I know some people have weird Achilles heels. You know, some people have weird I mean, I'm doing the roasts all the time. It's amazing how you can accuse people of rape and say, like, crazy shit, racist shit.
But then as soon as you say, like, your dog's ugly, like you want to get the storm off and that's you roast battle was really good for comedy, really.
That's what Andy and I met the first time.
Oh, sure. We talk about it. Our meet. Cute story. We didn't start off on great terms.
It was it was OK, though. Wasn't that about you? You texted me so fast after that. I was like, it's so weird. When are you coming? Just texted me. But you are intimidating.
I am going to say that there's something very intimidating about you. It's because you're showing your maintenance at all times.
It doesn't matter how all different shapes of muffins, it doesn't matter. Get tetanus from. Well, you're confident that's one thing.
But where there's a fear that you could be mean. Yeah. So that's what people are scared of. You're confident, but you might be mean. So like I got to tread lightly.
I would to be the funniest thing is like you all to dress, you wear. Military garb, you dress like I do feel like anti Semitic, I'm going to be honest, but those boots, you know, I just like sneakers or boots and his dad. Did you love her? No, my dad loved me a lot. You just too much. Very mean. No, not that much.
No way. Now you're just bragging. I don't. You know, but so I did. It was when Jason Reitman was filming the roast battle for Sundance and it was me against Mike Lawrence was an old friend of mine. We did mix together and stuff and. You and Dane Cook were the judge, and I remember coming out and being so excited, the Dane was there because I had a joke written by I went, I went, I went.
And I'm so I'm such a big fan. I'm so glad you're here. But I'm confused if you're here. Who's at the Improv getting bumped by Chris Farley.
And he just when he went away, I didn't expect he was going to go. He went he went like that was funny. And then he liked me afterwards. And I was scared because I was like, is he going to tell me all my jokes? Like, now? But he was cool.
But then he said something else where he said to someone, you know, you're really you're really good. You're going to be very successful. And I was like, Yeah, but just don't don't take financial advice.
Don't hire his story that he told in your mom's house of how his brother stole his money is terrifying, terrifying, crazy.
Well, you said to me I was saying I was like, I'm when I'm rich, I'm going to get a chef. And you were like, keep your circle small. And, you know, you don't want to fucking chef.
You don't even want an assistant. Yeah, yeah. When you when you have an assistant, that means you do too much shit.
That's a good point. And by the time you tell someone to do someone something, you could have just done it yourself.
You could get lucky. I have friends that have had assistants that wind up being their best friends and it's great. They're just a cool person. I had a job, but I also have friends that got sued by their assistant and David Spade got tasered and he almost murdered, murdered by his assistant.
Is this system trying to kill David Spade?
A spade has on his bedroom door fuckin a latch like a like a medieval wooden lab. And the fucked up part is from the it's from the outside.
So when you go away, imagine being a girl going, you know, he's like this. It's just it's so crazy like this. And he's a small man. He's tiny little guy. So the fear of that must have been terrifying.
Yeah. And his I think the assistant, he told a story he had taken like overdosed on Tylenol PM or something. And if you take enough of that, your body goes into shock and you produce crazy adrenaline and has the opposite of a soporific effect or something real. So the guy was like hopped up and nuts. And I think David had a gun under his bed and the guy took the gun out.
I mean, while if you be careful, you get the keys, your house.
I was going to say be careful if you try to rob David Spade. He's got a gun under his belt. So make sure if you do, just come in slow, sneak under the bed.
It is a water gun for his comedy. Yes, but but also it's it's any assistant that wants to be a celebrity assistant, wants what you have may maybe.
Right. Or maybe you just think it's a good job. Yeah, it's generalizations are our business.
Yeah. They're fun. But you can have a nice assistant, you can have a nice secretary, you can have good people you work with, like there's a lot of people that are comedy teams and it works out great, like Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Those guys have been banging it out and making awesome shit forever.
I've been banging like they're not out there. Not, but so how do we meet Ben? You know, I meant but, you know, it's like there's generalizations.
We always like to talk about comedy marriages.
They don't work out, but sometimes they work out. Yeah. Which in Bonnyman final, which was part of McFarlan, Mike Tomlin, Christina, Natasha Moesha. Yeah, they work. Yeah. Tom and Christina, there's a bit excited to see these kids and what happens to them is funny.
They'll be funny. Yeah. They're going to be hilarious.
They have to be région Bonny's daughter just I think she turned thirteen. Raina she is the fucking funny. Sometimes she does their show with them. I've known her since she was a kid. I'm so you think I'm scary. I'm like your daughter's like a cunt in the good way. Like she's so funny. She's so cutting. She's what I see. And I'm like, you got to be on her toes because she's the funniest sharp. She's funnier than both of bond.
Imagine growing up in that house. Oh my God.
Rich Foster is one of my favorite jokes that we're probably not allowed to tell anymore.
This joke is just fucking kill me. He go, I don't mind fucking a girl on her period. I just pretend like I'm killing her.
Jesus Christ. Oh, one of my favorites. Oh, my God.
That's a perfect example. Like the reason why we're laughing because he doesn't really mean that that's the problem with writing something like that down in quotes. You go these guys, these fucking assholes are laughing at this only because it's not real.
Also, the same people that are complaining about it are the people that watch like true crime shit and literally masturbating and falling asleep like a to a like beautiful tale of murder.
You see, they watch CSI, they watch all these weird how many of those shows?
There are tons. People love it. And the ones the really dumb ones, like the CSI ones that are so clunky, like at the end. No disrespect, but you know what I'm saying, like they have to kind of have to be there wrapping up a show in an hour. But at the end of it, they're always it's always like and they catch the bad guy. Yeah.
Every time, you know, I can sleep.
Isn't that what was in that book irresistible that you were just posting about? Our brains are wired to need completion. Like we have to get to the end of something. Even if you're watching a shitty movie, if someone turns it off, you have to fucking know how it ends. Yeah.
Sucks watching with this movie No Country for Old Men was disappointing for a lot of people because the ending like, hey, that guy is OK, he gets away with the fuck.
That's a wild movie. It's a wild movie.
I watched a lot of classic movies over the last six months because we haven't been able to do anything and I watch that shit.
That shit is insane that. The weirdest part of the haircut is the craziness. That's amazing. Yeah, it's a disaster. He is disturbing. Look at that. Dude is so good.
Wait, is that what I look like right now?
I need to get my bags. And that's me in 10 years when I go full.
Joan Rivers. What is his name again? Javier Bardem.
When I go full, Joan. I like one time I was at the Improv High as fuck, like way too high. And I'm sitting there just breathing heavy.
And Joan Rivers show came on the television. And when you see someone with those fillers in their face and the ratios all along. Yeah. Because it's like and in their faces and moving, I was horrified. Right.
I was sitting there just barbecued watching the screen going, oh my God, this is crazy.
I have a theory about plastic surgery. If you're going to, like, trim some off the nose, you have to put it on your chin or something. You have a certain amount of face meat and has to stay on your face. No, you're right. There's a there's actually a golden ratio.
Right? Right. The Fibonacci sequence actually applies to your face. That's why when someone gets a nose job and you're like your nose looks good, but it doesn't look like it's your nose. Yeah. What's happening?
Nature knows what it's doing. There's a certain arrangement. It's it's like whack a mole. If you mess one thing up, you're gonna have to move everything else. But I was reading something about body dysmorphia, about how we've gotten so dysmorphic, about what we look like because we're always looking at ourselves on screens and in photos, which is the reverse.
Oh, right. How other people see us.
And they say that if you were to see yourself out in the world, you wouldn't be able to recognize yourself. That's how dysmorphic we are.
That's ridiculous because there's videos of you. Yeah, stupid. I have a twin brother. I would go. I'm right there. The fact that you're talking about that's famous. I know what my tattoos look like. That's what my dad looks like. But like we're just so dysmorphia we about on ourselves, OK?
People say ridiculous shit sometimes and it kind of sort of makes sense. But it doesn't like I remember reading once that the Native Americans, when they first saw like Columbus and the people in the boats coming, they couldn't see them. They couldn't see them because they didn't know what that was like. Get the fuck out. They figured it out. They could look at how do you like then explain UFOs.
Right. How do people see UFOs? Explain how this would happen if you see a new star coming to aliens. I had a feeling you didn't take as long as I thought it would. Actually, we had it that Whitney, you owe me ten thousand dollars, Bob. There's no way they didn't see the boats.
That's a dumb thing. People like, oh, wow. They didn't see the baby, didn't see the boat. You know what?
They saw boats. They saw things that look like this thing. They're going to find out. It's called boats coming toward five hundred years ago. What the fuck do you know what they saw?
I think the more fascinating thing about what you're saying is the fact that people are so willing to believe it, which is why we're in this situation. We're and people want to believe crazy shit. So we're going to see fake news. When you see you're like, yeah, that happened. Like, you want to believe something ridiculous.
Let's also people say things like that, like they couldn't see the boat so that you pay attention to what the writing looks like. Oh, this guy, he's saying crazy shit. Yeah. And then you go and look, that's why people say crazy shit. There's a lot of people that are look, when a lot of our friends.
Yeah. But like online trolls, what are they doing? They're just saying crazy shit. So you pay attention.
I mean, that's the name and it's addictive. They know you get that adrenaline hits like they wanted me to know I'm a fat con. I don't know why I thought I was like, she's got to know she's a fat guy. I'm a busted cunt.
Has anything ever hurt your feelings in the comments? If I'm on my period, I'm filled with rage and then I go, oh, shit. I go to the red white guys. You get your period that's going to the red. Oh, my God.
You just made yourself elderly for no reason at the same age. But you're just more successful than me. That's what I was like when, you know, we're the same age, you're just way more successful than me. Like I think of you as being like twenty.
And I think of me as being like seventy one. Well, she had like a blackout segment of her life.
That doesn't count. Yeah, right. Count towards you being funny but doesn't count towards like life.
I'm five years younger than I am because I just didn't have those years. Yeah, but there is what you know, luckily the driver's just drinking. Oh God. I've got, I got it. You know, just with enough Yeager you can really go with you drunk before. I bet that's why I quit drinking right before I started. Right after my first open mic. I bet you're a man.
Yes, I was fun. They called me fun girl Annie, which I just realized was an insult. Now, I was like, oh, I was like, that's right. I'm fine. And I'm like, yeah, bet you're fun.
Did it, like, destroy your life? Yeah, I would definitely be dead now, I think if I didn't stop drinking. And what did you drink? Yagur I was I loved Yagur.
I liked whiskey. I like anything that was like kind of like I would be either be in a frat or like with a grandfather, like it was like very is it harder for clean comics when you're I mean, clean being sober?
Well, you're right.
I have no clue what it's like to be coming back to this conversation again, you know, but when you go to a bar like if you're at the Comedy Store and everyone's drinking VERMES not one minute, not for one second.
And it's funny, sometimes people will be like, is it weird? I'm drinking? And I'm like, do you think I would relapse with you?
I know. By the way, if I relapse, I'm going to throw a party. We're going to an island. It'll be fun. I've never understood how people can drink so much on stage when I see Stanhope up there with a fucking vodka.
I just would just most of the time. Stanhill drinks Bud Light, though. Oh, nice. So it's like light beer and he drinks it all day. Yeah.
Like, I just want to get fat. He's like, I'm not trying to get drunk. I'm trying to get obese.
Well, he likes to keep like a mild buzz all the time. I never want to to suppose it's not a bad way to go like Chappelle does that too.
If you yes. Chappelle will keep a mild buzz. And there's something about mild buzz. Is that really accentuate who gives a fuck comedy? Yeah, yeah. Come on. I don't give a fuck.
Mild buzz, though is like so unattractive. I want to I was like, let's take a smoke break from my I was like let's go black like by bitch.
I had no interest in being like just a little like me.
I never drank wine until the pandemic. So just fucking bored and like trying shit out. I was like, what's my personality on this and this? And I was like trying to find the best version of my personality. And it turns out it's Rosie Seltzer. It's why it's a white claw and roofies.
So I was doing definitely ketamine, by the way, then date herself and she's been putting herself in a clothes and then getting late at night. OK, and masturbating to ketamine is like prescribed though.
It's prescribed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's it's like a nasal spray for sure. It's in my purse somewhere. Yeah.
What's so funny about it is it's a nasal spray, but when I was going to raves and doing it we also nasally injected.
I mean there are literally this is a pretty trace amount, it's not a lot. And I only do it like a couple of times a week, a couple of times a week.
But I do a bunch of ketamine and stab ourselves like that's got his cooties on it.
It went through his arm. I don't think we cleaned it. Good. Did it really go through his eyes?
Oh, I pushed it through. And then he made you stop for a second. I hit a nerve the first time that had it back out and do it again. I didn't want to do it with the frog live.
Yeah. Yeah, he shut the frog.
He threw it up in my hand. Do you know that there's a book called Eat That Frog that's like about getting your work done in the morning and you literally eat the frog.
Oh like eat it. Just get it over, like get the worst part done.
Any and I've swallowed way. We should think about it a lot. Honestly, I'm not even a sharp ice pick.
This is. Did it make a sound at all. No, it just was like puncturing a steak and it wasn't.
You picked the spot that you kind of pointed me towards his arm, like, what area is a better place to go through? But it was bleeding.
I mean, do you think it would taste like, OK? I don't think so. I think people taste like pigs. Moo changes everything. The cannibals call people long pigs.
Oh, that's literally a nickname.
Did you notice that Blaine, whenever he would have you do something, he would first like doubt himself? It's almost like a power of suggestion thing where he'd be like, no, no, it might be fake.
Test it out. It might be fake. Remember, the frog might not be a real frog, right? Yeah, this might be waited. You see it right there.
That's where I'm going through his arm. Hands, but that's his hand, that's his hand, he's like pushing on the skin what is the darkest ever seen in my life? Like you get tanned, he's got a lot of money.
There's something there's some psychological. He's very poor, very rich, if you can.
It looks your face. Joe, is there something psychological about him doing that? Like touch it, maybe it's fake, make sure it's not fake.
Yeah, I'm sure does that with cards. And I'm sure I don't know anything about magic, but I would imagine anything you do to overload the brain.
Like if you are distracted. Yeah. If you're sparring with someone or fighting, one of the things you're doing is you're trying to overload their brain. So you're moving, you do things, you faint, you fake, like you're going to punch and then you kick them. But what you're doing is you're fucking with their heads. You've given them too many things to think about. He's kind of doing that to check the cards out and he says things and he kind of doubts himself and asks you if you're sure there's so many techniques involved.
But he is a master.
Amazing him doing that shit he had. So he did a card check with one guy holding one of his wrists and another guy holding another risk. Well, he couldn't do anything with his sleeves rolled up and he did a card trick for us.
So called someone I know you're not supposed to say how magic happens, but I don't think that this counts as like.
But there was this guy that I knew that day afraid he'd get in trouble, just like I'll never go to the Magic Castle again. I remember it again. It's going to be so fucking mad at me. It's coming for me.
But sometimes they carve holes into their hands like flaps of skin, and that's where they put the coins underneath, like they actually yeah. They carve like little divots in their hands and that's how they hold the coins.
How the fuck can you come to give it in your skin and then you let it go? It's like scar tissue and that's how they're able to hold the coins. What crazy shit. I don't mind really.
Is there really no way to find out how magicians do their tricks? Well, you have to become a magician. You have to. Yeah, they let you in.
You got to get in the glove. It's amazing. Blaine was telling me that he has a friend that's a card guy that will literally be playing with his cards 13 hours every day.
Every time he's on the phone with them, he is going to say, yes, that's what I'm saying to him. I like the way you move your hands. It's it's similar to martial arts, because when someone's really good at a martial arts move, they have it. Just the pathway is just greased and slick and they're they're neuron's. And when they do, it just it just goes and that was kind of him with his hands. I was watching him move the cards.
I was like, whoa.
Like someone who plays guitar really good about it. Or piano. Yeah. Fascinating. You in Kyle's Kyle Donegan's joke about where he's like, I'm not good at magic, but I've good magician hands and he like, I think it's time.
Kansler, I haven't seen this new thing that he goes back in time to cancel people from the past.
So yeah, he says a tweet, he says like a mildly racist tweet like is it just me or does Indian food smell funny and throw himself into a wood chipper?
And so a team of incredibly diverse women scientists rebuild him and they put him back together again, like the six million dollar man out of the wood chipper. And then they turn him into a much more Wolke version of himself, who's a time Cancela.
So he's part machine and he goes back in time.
Oh, my brother feel funny. It's fucking hilarious. It's so funny, dude.
I miss everyone. I know. It sucks. I really it's weird to think that we saw each other every night.
I know every night for fifteen years and just talking shit, having fun and boom it stops so weird.
It's like a family being broken up. I should have stopped.
I really don't, I don't you know, I think people should be able to make their own decisions.
Well I think there's ways to do it. We could do the weird social distance things, you know, where it's it could either be outside or it could be, you know, people are far back and spread out. It makes no sense that people are allowed to go outside, have socially distanced meals. But as soon as someone stands up with a microphone and starts talking, it is a city job, though.
I was watching you when they changed the lights in the main room right before everything shut down and the lights were dark. I was watching you from the side. I've never seen so much, but I was like, it's like a bucket. It's like when the sprinklers kids jump through droplet after droplet. I touch all Gallagher like, holy shit. And then. And then I was thinking that. And then I went, oh my God. Oh my gosh.
I don't know. We really do deserve I mean, I think we might deserve this.
We've you've been spreading it like some then I've to Dillon pretty much like I've gotten the flu a couple of times from people's microphones.
One time I did a gig with Tommy and Tommy was sick as fuck.
We're in San Francisco and we all got the flu because we shared a microphone together. Davidsen No cigarroa.
I started bringing a microphone with me on the road like a year ago because I kept getting fucking bronchitis from bronchitis.
That's good for your own Mike. And I was like my opener. Everyone thought I was such an asshole and being a diva, but I was just like, dude, I can't get sick. I did like forty cities before I shot a special. And it was so worth.
I think that I do think there's a lot of things that are happening in this that could carry over.
Like I know you think of myself or buses or whatever, but I like that it's like a massive reposes. There was a bird clip that went viral.
Are you trying to talk him into talking shit? It was funny. It was very funny. I in that I. Abandoned. I want to get a call one I'm trying to think, oh, wait, can I show you the mess that I'm making? I was trying to Jay Leno would not approve of these. I was thinking about doing a joke.
Remember when all the prisoners were released? Is that you gonna do the people fucked you, though? But where can they buy it?
I'm well, go to my website. I'm going to launch them demagoging this week. You got to do it immediately.
Otherwise, people are going to launch and launching it today when I believe I guess the problem is when this goes up, these fucks, they'll start putting it up before you.
Well, I'm launching it today. That's the anti Letterman thing. If anyone does it, Joergen is going to fucking sue you.
He's going to get another hundred million dollars suing your ass.
So many people selling bootleg shit online right now. Isn't that funny, though? Like everything, fake, pure, all that shit bootleg shirts.
There's a lot of my shirts that are bootleg, a lot of like mugs and stuff that are bootleg, all these different things that have nothing to do with me, with my face on it.
This is sponsored by the Joe Rogan podcast Experience.
That's a yeti tumbler. Yeti tumbler. Yes. It's legit. It's very legitimate.
Everything's yet involved with you. Every time I'm at the comics we're talking, it somehow turns into you fighting bears.
I swear, every conversation we could be talking about fucking anything. And then it's like three minutes in. Once you walk into my life and we're fighting bears again, I have a real problem.
We're going to get you a bear. No, I don't want to have anything to do with bears. I'm scared of nature. Really? Oh, for sure.
That's why you kill it. Well, no, you need to run with the Taser. Taser now I carry a big knife.
Oh, please don't run with a knife. I've seen you play basketball. I have a little taser. Taser. It's not a bad idea, but I don't know if I carry.
Paperweights that fit on your knuckle, you carry that little teaser thing with me, yeah, I put it my favorite times yourself, so it feels like I want to do it. Should we? We've got to get more viewers. David Blaine with anything that.
But what if it just turns out that that's her Achilles heel just falls over? Why she had so much promise. I've been having a bad week for some really good weeks for some jerky aguer. This is going to be fucking nothing.
So that's your thing. So when they're like a mountain lion comes after you, you just fucking knuckle punch them just to protect her dogs from you like.
They look out, they're big and then have a little hammer in my car. It does have to heat up. I know I'm dead. Are you serious? Hey, hold on, Barry. Can you just hold on a minute here to my taste was talking about their girl or whatever that guy's name is.
We're not talking about large overweight gay men.
Don't you didn't did you just touch that? Oh, my God, that's nasty. I thought that it wasn't working.
It wasn't that bad. It's really not that bad. But I guess the bears going to also agree that it's not that bad.
But it's got I touch one little one and it's a lot of them.
Most likely if a mountain lion, even if you have a knife, if a mountain lion gets you, you're fucked.
They're just too strong. Yeah. They'll go straight for for a fighting chance.
You want to just be able to sink something in their neck. I watch the Covenant every day. I go to Covenant. Is that what it was called? The Red.
That's what I got to go. Tasmin me quick. I need to come back for you.
That's kind of based on a real story. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's a little fucked up. I made the switch to a lot of shit around and change some things, but it's kind of based on a real story. That scene was so brutal. They were like there were Aldar.
I mean, not that that was the only movie I had, like, take breaks from while I was watching and like what?
When his kid was dying and he couldn't get up and save his kid, that just, like, destroyed me.
You are so, so nice to when Joey fell. I always tell the story. Joey fell on her, isn't he at the Comedy Store one night and Whitney was with him. He ended up being all right, but he just he just tripped or whatever. We're not going to see a comedy story. I mean, but he was like sitting on a on a rolling chair. And Whitney was like and I rushed over and went, Whitney, are you OK?
I was destroyed.
No, Joey walked into the kitchen, you know, right when you walked. Grace is slipping so greasy from the air fryer something. I know what it is. It's so oily right there.
Joey, how many fucking orders of fries come flying through that? I mean, that's all anybody buys his fries and chicken wings. It's all that oil.
It's like a thick smegma on the ground. You can resell it. You always catch me eating the worst food. I'm always, like, shoving my face and then program like that.
And I'm like floating those, like, pretzels, the nuts.
I'm just everything I'm eating. Nuts are good. Joey's in front of me and we're going to the side right. Joey's in front of me. I just see him go down and my brain just went.
Joey had a heart attack and Joey had a fucking heart attack.
He goes down his legs behind him. It was so some crazy shit where he did like a split and we couldn't figure out what even happened. And he tore Danny.
He tore something on his ankle, something like that, not his ACL, but something that was bad. You can't walk. He couldn't get up. And if you were having a stroke or heart attack, you don't know you're having it. So he kept saying, like, I fell Ommaney. I fell on my knees.
And I was just so worried that he I remember Jay Leno was telling us a story about Rodney. Oh, yeah. So he's hosting The Tonight Show. Rodney does a set and he's like, something's off. He's like, call the paramedics.
His timing was off.
And he was joking around, kind of. But he also knew that something really was wrong. So they call the paramedics, they check Rodney. He did have a fucking stroke. So he had a stroke while he was out there doing standup, which is crazy.
If someone die on stage doing stand up to people. Yeah, two people have. There was a British guy, I don't know his name, who had a heart attack on stage. And then there was years ago Jim Norton had posted a clip of it. There's a clip of there was a alive kind of variety show and there was this guy. I can't remember his name. I wish I remembered it. But he he was he was doing a bit in front of a curtain and live television.
And he passes out and falls out and they're all laughing a bit. And then you see them drag him out. But it's kind of a good way to get this guy. Oh, Jesus.
Where was this thing? Right there. Oh, my God. Oh, that's.
I really don't want a heart attack. Yeah, I think he died of a heart attack and that fucked up. You don't grab your heart or do your heart of hearts. Did I always.
This is what I always think. I was telling Wendy about this when you were like flexing your pecs. There's something in the kitchen of the Comedy Store. And I was like, I want to try.
You put your tits on it. So it is so funny because like so many people were like, oh, so many people want to like, go female comics, male comics.
Like, I feel like we're so when we're together, we're so weirdly generalists, like we're like brother and sister.
Yeah, we're talking about that the other night. It's a real meritocracy. If you're funny, you're one of the clan and that's really all is right.
I get that it's upsetting for people on the outside. I guess you're not a club.
That's a friend of mine who is a philosopher, very smart guy. Try to explain it to me. And he just. Independent of this is like you guys have to understand that you are little and he's not a comic at all. It was like this little group of people is like a walled garden. So there's a lot of people in the outside of it that see you guys having so much fun and doing all these things together and having each other on each other's podcasts.
And there's just an automatic feeling in human nature to feel like you're alienated from that group. So that group somehow or another disrespects you. The group is negative or bad or mean or this or that. And then it compounds. Right. You know, and then it becomes better find whatever the group is, whatever your identity politics is, if it's a right wing thing or a girl thing or a gay boy saying sports, yeah. Whatever name they find, they find a thing that makes you different from them and you negative and then positive.
And Europe's suppressed or you're a bad person.
It's outward. It's the outward locus of control. Right. So it's like I'm saying that my life is where I don't want to be because you made me feel this way. Or it's not like because if you think about it, anyone complaining about their place in comedy, it's like that's time to write jokes. Like you're focusing on why you don't have a thing, has none of it. You have no clue what a human story is. You don't know if it was easy or hard for them.
You have note, but it is a hard job. It's not a comfortable with some of the people complaining have had specials. Yeah. So you've had a chance. Yeah. You got on Comedy Central, you got on Netflix, you got somewhere and people didn't respond. Yeah. That's not because the Comedy Store is filled with assholes. Right. That's not what that is. It's a fucking Hathway comedy. Comedy's a hard thing. It's hard.
And honestly, the heart of the hallways are the easier it is on stage. So I was always so grateful when people it's more than just fun.
You go on stage laughing some shit someone just made you try to talk to each other. Yeah. That's I tell is the most fun because he's so like it just never ends. Yeah. You're just, he just shows up with a fucking plastic bag of this person. Seven eleven. It's got a small garbage bag. He's a liar.
One of the greatest comics who ever lived. That's what I love about comics is like no matter how great if you're a real fucking comedy store covid, you're still just like who you are forever.
Forever if you stay with your tribe.
Yeah, we're lucky as fuck. You know, we were really, really lucky.
And it's weird now, you know, like that night when we're all hanging out doing the Comedy Store documentary. It was so much fun. But it also was bittersweet because I left when I was driving home. I was real emotional. I was. Do you remember I kept gripping.
You don't go on like. So you heard the conversation. I wasn't a Akl. I was overdosed. And I can tell there's a lot of it is like it's mental. I'm like I'm a cloud bitch. My body has a cloud that's not meant to him. There's going to be an exposé on Whitney Cummings drugging females like, oh, I'm actually the previous person in comedy.
Listen, that was the only time in this whole covid period that I thought maybe I shouldn't go this time.
Hanging out with you guys was like, but I'm still going, but dammit, I was thinking, like, this is so rare. Like how many grown adults like once you get to a certain age, like in your 30s, you're with your friends, like you don't have that kind of a life.
Yeah, we can go and be with your peers just and is so unusual because like people that go on the road, OK, if you go on the road all the time, it's just you and the people you go on the road with. You don't get to converge at a home base. And that's what the stories that's what's so different because like, you'll be one place you'll be someplace I'll be. And then we see each other. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like no time had passed. Yes. And also there I'm there guys, by the way, I'm there the whole time and I'm working in the kitchen wings.
There's something so crazy about this moment because it's also like I've never felt more loved and accepted than I had in the Comedy Store.
I never felt like myself. I never felt accepted. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I didn't know I was so weird.
Do you feel that comfortable? You don't like you? Oh, my God. It's catty Daddy with me. So I didn't think you liked me for the longest time.
Oh, we should finish that. Oh yeah. We saw that story. Yeah.
Yeah. So I do the the roast battle. Whitney is one of the judges and Whitney was like already pissed about something because everyone was attacking my shiny ass face and saying that I had plastic surgery, a new product coming out. But I do. I am launching a line of face oil. That's so funny. The perfect thing. Oh, my shiny face. I guess if I could face I it's quite jelly but yeah you can also fuck. Yeah.
Fuck my nose.
So she ok so Whitney was like, she was like giving her assessment of my sat or whatever and she's like she goes she's, I just feel like you need to smile more. And I was like, I was like smile more. I was like what is this. The streets like. I was like and I was like in a hyper like fight mode. And I was like, smile more. I was just like, whoa, streets of Albuquerque and Santa Fe, no Philly suburbs of Philly first.
But so and then. But Whitney, you texted me like the next day, like, hey, it's Whitney Cummings. I'm sorry if I offended you. I want to know, like, I was like at the mall, like Whitney. I was like, can I take a break?
I was working at Hot Topic and I was like, a famous person. Sucks to me. No, but you texted me and it was like, so sweet. I was like, please don't. Let me please don't talk to a reporter. No, but it was very nice, and then and then I like I just texted you back and I was like, yeah, I just whatever. And I went when we were when we were you were judging.
I went, Whitney, I was molested. I don't mind.
You're like we were all molested, that I was worried that I was like silencing her because she was like, sorry, Whitney, I'm you are so funny. This is what I love about you. One time we were talking in the back at the we were in the green room and in the main room and you go, we're talking about rape or something.
And you go and you go, you go, you go. I'm sorry. I'm not listening to anything you're saying. It's my I'm just think about whether my face is shiny.
I'm like, you know the answer, bitch. And then you text me the next day or you call me, you're like, I'm so sorry. What are you talking about being raped? And I started talking on my face like you you come to a complete circle, you always handle it.
You're always working whatever stuff that is stuff. Stuff that you're always working it.
So no problems there. But I accidentally I was like looking at the thing you texted me and I said something. I actually said a voice memo to you talking shit on another female comedian, like trashing a female comedian. And it sent the voice like my finger. And I was so embarrassed because they just sent it to me talking shit on another. But you wouldn't have thought it was about you. I said her name and everything, but it was just like so crazy that I was then voice memo on you being like this fucking bitch.
And then voice memos are odd because it's like I don't have voice mail. Like, if you call me voice mail, it just goes to fuck you just like the ether.
Jeff Boyzvoice voice memos back together. Tweet it anyway. The but those voice memos that people send their odd because you have to listen. It's like if you send me a text I can go eight thirty. Got it.
We'll see how it always does the voice because he doesn't want to put his readers on. Yeah, well it's also when you send someone a voice memo and then you see that they kept it, you're like, why the fuck do you keep that?
Oh, you could tell if someone says kept say that was the cue to use what those cute, sexy listen experiments kind of mission impossible to disappear.
I like that to go away.
That's what I don't know. But I think it's more bond.
I will say no when you go. I feel like our text chains, like comedians, text chains, if they ever get out, we're all going to get canceled.
But this one time I was like, please, yeah, there was one. We got so ridiculously famous. I'm like, you guys, we can't text Joe certain shit. You know, I think he's gotten overly famous to the point where we can again, you can't walk around on cancelable.
He's gone past and now it's like, yes, because there are times where I want to send something. I'm like, I don't know, Joe's on this chain. Like, I feel like he's just too famous for this.
I usually see the shit Sagara sends me cheese. OK, so he'll get I played it yesterday for Nikki Glaser. It's this girl fisting herself but in the most preposterous way where you like what. Well is there a way that's not for.
Oh no, no. This this is this is a different I fisting real.
Oh I'll show you can put your entire you know what it is. It's this strain. It's putting all your fingers together. It's not like. Let's go on.
Jamie, you've been festo tell us how you go. So get reactions for this video.
Hold on your face. Hold on. Hold on. Oh my God. It's me. Oh no.
This girl. Oh, you're acting like that's preposterous is the right word, right. Well, it's got to hurt. Why are you punch?
And I don't think it is but a bruised cervix, anything that's fucked up like that. Tom cigarroa Wilson. It looks like the opposite of having a baby.
I know you guys give me the most fucked up shit. I'm like, I'm still going to jail for this.
But, you know, I think that's legal. I'm pretty sure that's legal. No, it's not. You don't actually have to be very clear. You don't actually get things that could stand in jail. I know. But here's the thing.
Florida has some wacky laws with that stuff. That's where they prosecuted certain, like pornographers because they decided that it was you know, that's where they prosecuted the two live crew like it's fly Broward County, Florida, like they go after people. What is there was a one guy was a really famous case and it really opened up a lot of people's eyes in terms of pornography.
There was this guy who is like known to be like ultra disgusting, like the stuff they did with, like, super abusive. And like he would open up girls, assholes like with a speculum and then piss inside of them and like, crazy. It kind of sounds like a feel good.
Oh, it's like it was wrong. Depends on how much beer you had. Max Hardcore. Yeah. So that guy so he was found guilty on 20 counts of obscenity by Tampa, Florida jury. And so they they just they decide what's obscene and what's not obscene. It's like they can make a distinction between regular porn. Geography and what they decide is obscenity and violates the law, so they put them in fucking jail. Jesus, I'm like, just so I don't know if there was I you see, that's the thing.
It's like if you're doing that kind of shit, like, are you making people sign releases? Do they know that you're going to do that?
I think that's branching or FESTINGER policy, which, by the way, I feel like she could get out of jail, she could slide through, she could slide through and she would kill it in jail. She's very flexible. She'll be fine.
But you have to think like if. But then the other perspective is, OK, what if this is your 18 year old daughter gets a Greyhound bus and meets this guy? Right. And she has no idea what she's about to do and she thinks she's going to do just like a sex break. And this guy's pissing in her eyeballs and and punching her in the face like there was all kinds of I don't know if he punched her, but you know what the papers are going to be.
Do you think the real. I just look. Have you ever had a guy try to pee on you?
No, but I had I had, like, one guy that I was like it was like the guy that we weren't we were just going to, like, do the things that we'd never done and we just end up not liking each other. So we decided then, but I was like, I would have let up on do the things you never done. What, like kiss on the mouth?
Yeah, we said he said, I love you into my face. Tell them you're each other's numbers and our phones. Oh, my God, I hate a guy.
Once he was like, really? What if he I mean, I was like, fine. And I started dying.
Laughing Yeah, well, you guys in the bathroom or in the bed was in the shower. OK, you know people. Yeah, of course. That's funny. He was trying to like, get on my it was like supposed to be sexual, it was supposed to be sexual.
But the machine from your face and it was like rain, it ricocheted back on him. It was blinded by the mirror. That is my fault.
You know how when water gets on Vaseline, it just it damages Retin-A from my face as it started.
I could not stop laughing and ruin the moment you made the moment. That's the only thing good about that moment was you laughing. I think there's nothing ruining that he's pissing in your face. So, I mean, just the fact that he wants to do it, like the best way out is you making fun of him. And I can't tell if guys are doing because they've seen it in porno. They're actually into it.
I don't it's got to be like a pheromone thing or something. So why do they want to be on us? Don't they want us to be coming on the face? Guys really want to.
I think it's like a humiliation thing. They want to degrade you.
I think they want you to like it interest. They want you to want them to do like you're so over the top, crazy sexual that you like, think that's why it exists in porn, the humiliation thing. Maybe sometimes I do sometimes, but I think not always. I don't think it's just that. I think it's like, oh wow, I get it. I don't hate it.
But then, like, once it happens, you're like, this is like, here's my thing. If you're going to come on my face, you better not miss. You better don't do not make me wash my hair. Do you better not embarrass yourself.
I don't want to have to bob and weave like you better like a dog with a treat.
I'm on my show all of a sudden it just what it's like.
Not enough and it's disappointing and I have to pretend like it's more oh definitely.
Definitely Jezzine and have their dogs catch it. That's now that's and that is just I just thought I know it's got it for sure.
Somebody that's kind of isn't that funny that like the amount of load is important.
Well I used to be the same person that told me you can't recognize yourself on the street. Yeah. It's David Blaine. It was a magic trick.
No, but I used to hear these women. There was like a show on VH one these like Rock Stars Wives, who would always make their husbands who were like touring on the road come outside of them when they first came home to make sure they weren't cheating because they thought they wanted to see how much fun they had.
But that's not how it works. That's science, Larry. I like that. I think you should leave.
If you want to see how much your husband jerks off, you should always leave the the bill to tan lotion, lotion, bottle.
See, I got dark.
It is those are rookies who is losing. You know, if you really need that, well, you shouldn't be. So I'm sure you have some sort of habit.
I mean there's jerking off when it's a compulsion. You need lubes and you need to stick a vibrator up your ass and there's jerking off because you're actually horny right now about this vibrator up the ass thing.
Well, you know, I have a Taser, Taser, Taser my pussy when you're about to go. I mean, just imagine that because, you know, they do that to Mughals, actually.
Well, yeah. When they when they want to extract sperm from them, they actually stick a cattle prod up their asshole and they just shoot.
Oh my God.
Yeah, I know that because that's that's someone's job. No, because the fear factor. We made people drink Donkey Kong.
Did you ever drink the bad stuff you ever tasted? I didn't drink that, but I ate a bunch of things. I ate a cockroach, a Madagascar giant hissing cockroach. I ate and popped in your mouth.
Oh, destroyed is just was all chewy to taste good.
It all. No, but it didn't taste bad. It's just sort of like it's a mindfuck. Yeah. It's a mindfuck.
It's not it doesn't taste bad. It's almost like taste less delay. No big. The legs are what got me. Yeah.
But it's basically a lobster like. There is a bug. Oh, yeah, it's not much different. It really is. It's all just in your head psychological because we think of cockroaches.
I cooked a lobster the other day and I felt so bad I was like holding it. I was trying to a picture and I dropped it. And then when I picked it up, it was foaming and like shitting and I was murdered.
And this is how the fear factor got canceled. They had to drink. Either they had to play horseshoes and either they drank a giant glass of donkey come or drink a glass of donkey piss. It's interesting, like all the men wanted to drink the donkey piss. The girls wanted to drink the cup.
Yeah, usually that it was really nice because right now.
Yeah, I know, but I thought it was stunning protein. These girls are drinking giant beer steins.
Of course I'm going to the bellybutton rings are so but I had to talk them into it so I'm talking them through this while they're doing it.
This this is where and this is what got the show cancelled. And they're taking these two.
It's so passionate ones. But where the ratings bananas know they never made it on the air because TMZ got a hold of this and TMZ posted like someone from the I told this is the only time. There's two times where I told them, don't do it. The people that were running the show one time was their bull riding. And they were like, don't worry, it's done. Bulls. I know that bull does not know it's a stunt. That's a fucking bull.
I saw the animal like that. These people got on and one of them was a girl who was like she was like ninety five pounds.
And that fucking bull launched her through the air like she didn't exist like like a pillow.
And it sucks that I'm mad at her for being ninety five pounds.
I'm glad she got the heel of the bull as he's kicking the hoof. Barely missed her head. She's like this like wow. Was like within a foot of her head.
Like if it kicked her in the head who the fuck knows what would have happened. So this is one where I told these people, Mike, do not fucking do this.
It's crazy. Is this the girl? See, I think she's the one who came to her head. She was really hard to fuck up her back. No, she didn't land well. She had a really bad dad hit her.
I mean, but but my sister it's the back of the ham is what slapped into her.
Luckily, I don't think that hurt her nearly as bad as the hoof would have hurt.
I cracked my L for falling off a horse just like that. That was just that was honestly her husband who was rolling the dice. She was tough as fuck. She got out. She was OK. Looks thin. Yeah. She's a tiny girl.
Eat a sandwich. But she's tough. Not just a bitch out. She's very pretty. I hope she's a very svelte dude. Is Fear Factor was like the beginning of the end. It was like, you know what I mean? Like, it was such a it was the first like it was the it was like TV never could come back from it.
Like no. Could compete with it after that except the Internet.
It was that was as far as they could take it too far. There was NBC that was weird as far as they could take it. Donkey come I remember walking into the office going What are you talking about? And they go, and this what they're going to do, they're gonna play horseshoes. I go, is there a way that they can get out of drinking it? Totally. If they get like if they land, what is a horseshoe when you get a shoe?
What is it? The point? I don't know. What is it when you hit the thing? It's a horseshoe.
And the idea of the goal, I'm like, is it possible if they get the if they ring around the horseshoe, if that one that's not called a ring around the outside, is it possible that they could drink nothing and they said no.
Yeah. Then you have to only drink eight ounces.
I'm like, this is crazy. It is. It's like it's a bestiality rape situation where you're forcing them to swallow the sexual this was used on.
It's also a wild amount of come a wild. Isn't it funny that people keep getting canceled for like doing blackface and shit, but the network signed off on it side by side. Dawson's fault, the network shows on SNL. It's like, you know, I mean, people have to sign off on that and make it happen.
Like two hundred people said, if you're around a bunch of crazy fucks like the comics at the store, and then one person says, I think you can do it.
You like we can do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are not the fucking people to be talking to you about that. But even then, I was telling them not to do it.
I was like, don't do this. Listen to me. When I'm the voice of reason, we're fucked.
Yeah. Mike, this show is fucked. You can't have me telling you you're going too far. And they're like, I think you're wrong. I think it's fine. I go to come. Did they go to you? This is all mental. It's all mental. No, they didn't.
They were laughing at any of them here. Oh yeah.
Afterwards I saw so many people puke like a stunning amount of people puke.
Is it true that there's contagious puking where if you see one person puke, you automatically puke?
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I used to get it. Really. Fear Factor cured me of it. Whoa. Yeah. When I was in high school, if a kid puked in the hallway I just start puking.
What is that.
It's because there's something wrong, like maybe even bad food and you're with that person.
So maybe you ate that bad food too and your body is like, well, you smell it. Let's just let's not take any risks. Just throw this shit up. Survival instinct. It was actually explained to me by someone who knows what they said is like your body's trying to purge it because it's like, oh, this person is throwing up. There could be a bad bug or, you know, I could have eaten some bad food. And you just you just want to throw up, too.
Have you ever been thrown up on. Yeah, yeah. People have hit me, but I hit my feet and fear factor.
I thought, who knows how many people throw. I puked on the whole cast of the Real World Road Rules Challenge in Santa Fe once I got so hammered, remember, they used to do that. They would like have all the old alumni come.
Were you on that show? No, I was living and I was a go go dancer in Santa Fe. And I was out stripping, by the way.
But I loved the show, so I couldn't believe all the people coming into town was like, it's such a small town. So I was like, holy shit. Like we had a lot of celebrities like Sam Shepard and like all these people. But I was like, fuck that. I want to hang out the road road rules. So I was so excited, but I got the flu. So instead of not going out, I just chugged DayQuil.
And then I was drinking white Russians because I was like twenty, you know, so I puked like this milky orange juice all over them. And it just happened to be a day that they weren't filming. But I you know, I puked all over them. I'm like, why was this not being filmed during my first TV garrotte shit? And then I was thinking about I was it was funny because later in that week I was at a bar and all the the people were there, but the producers and stuff and the producers were like, so what's your story?
And I realized they were like, this crazy bitch has got to be on the real world. We were like this. She's good television. They're like, well, she's our new puck.
Oh, my God, Puck. Is he dead? Are they all I feel like all the people died.
There was like one guy had AIDS in the beginning. The first one, they become famous and then you just cast out into the world with no talent.
First reality stars. I remember one time a friend of mine was at a restaurant in Charleston, South Carolina, and one of the famous girls from the real world was a waitress at one of the restaurants and took a picture, send it to me.
And I was like, oh, of course, they didn't pay them anything. They were famous and broke.
But I remember there was a place that Jon and Kate Plus eight, the John guy, he was working for Jon Gosselin. Yeah.
People wouldn't leave him alone, like, you know, I'm sure now he's OK. But I remember when I was in Hawaii once with my family, we went to this ice cream place and they were like, Jon and Kate were just here serving ice cream.
This is back when it was a show like when it was on television and it took weird kind of fame. Yeah. You know, because they were really famous and now they're not just stopped when people you a little bit have it, too, I think because we're ourselves on stage, we're not none of us are really that much of characters, I would say. But yeah, but with the impractical jokers, when I hang out with Sal from impractically people come up and they think they know him because of his personality, they they'll be like Sal, like deck him.
I'm like, Jesus Christ, we're just at the movies like Chill.
Oh no, that's I mean, that's how Houdini die. Right. But yeah, I get that a lot too. But I was doing the rose for sure. People come up to me like, hey God.
And I be like Jesus, I'd like to thirty there.
I panicked when I met famous people and put my foot in my mouth and seem like a moron.
Wait, did I tell you what I did after I did your show? We talked about Survivor and I ran into Jeff Probst. Survivor is my favorite show. So every time I'm on your show, I will tell the millions of people to keep watching Survivor.
It's not going to do a show called Sexual Assault Survivor, Sexual Bomb Trauma Bonding. Also, I was molested, but so no, but I ran into him at a coffee bean. And he's my guy. He's the person I freak out about. And that's like nerdy. But I love the show so much. So that's where I met him. He met him at Coffee Bean. Oh, really? Yeah.
I name dropped you so fucking fast because I was being such a psycho that I needed him to know that I had some sort of stake in Hollywood. I was like, I'm a cop. You're right. My name's on the wall. I just talked about you on Joe Rogan's pockets and goes, I love Joe. He's like, come on the show. And I was like, I'm a psycho.
I can I can like everyone, the psycho. And I was like, no, what if you made a million dollars? And so I can't feel my feet.
Oh, that's right.
They have to pick your. No, no, I just have a bit where I don't show my feet and I just can't end it.
You never seen her Instagram. Yeah. Do all of the people that you meet.
Oh my God. Animated movies on Instagram.
Even the picture that she took when she was on the show the first time was really pixilated. That's she's got her foot up in the air. It's just like it just like a bit now forever. So ugly.
But for some reason, I think it's like my first Google searches. When are you coming to feet? Yeah, that's me. Every girl that's ever lived. It's not a face. Not face is how body. It's not comedy.
The freaks online, the really dark in the basement, free to the ones that are into feet.
And what's the deal? Once before someone was saying that was something about like his babies, they crawl around in their mouth.
I don't think moms are barefoot. What I know of it, which I don't.
I who knows? But it is it's like the guy was doing a phantom limb study and he said that when he was checking the brain that the neural pathways that go from your brain to your feet are next to the ones that go to your genitals. So he thinks that that would got mixed in some people. Oh, interesting that.
It was something about as a kid, you see your mom's feet so much when you're so tiny and you you guys really are sexualizing your moms.
It's really weird. It's Freud. It's really kind of exciting.
But my other interesting thing about the book, talking about Freud and the cocaine thing with Freud, people back then when Freud was doing Coke, they didn't think that addiction was for intellectuals. It's not brilliant, people can get this money in areas like literally he thought he could take Coke with abandon and he'd be fine because that's a mental weakness. Yeah. And he would never have a mental weakness. You know what I think about a lot, though? All the people like Bukowski, all the people that are like, brilliant.
And you like looking back, they were so fucked up and even struggling with that were like Picasso guys were awful.
I watched the master class of David Lynch and he was like, I go out. I can't do today because he's like I go outside when I write. My best writing is done. When I do, I have a legal notepad. I go outside, I drink wine and I smoke cigarettes. And I was like, so close to smoking cigarettes again, I got nicotine toothpicks because I was like, maybe I'll be brilliant, like when I smoke cigarettes.
But it's like, do we need that? I don't know. I do. I do.
I do think there's a certain, like ability to risk and be self-destructive. Like I'll smoke cigarettes sometimes. I'm like, fuck it. Like, fuck, you do need to fuck it mentality to take risks on stage and to stay out till 2:00 in the morning and, you know, jeopardize yourself and your relationship.
There's value in booze. There's a value in pot, there's value in mushrooms, there's value in those things. But it's it's not necessarily the whole thing. Like, I think people can write brilliant shit and be stone cold sober. It just it's a focus thing. Like you can talk your mind in the psychedelic states. I mean, that's what we call a tropica breathing. And Mitesh, you know that I do breath work all the time. I do.
I've been treating this quarantine like because these are my years, it's my eat, pray, love years, like I should be in India, fucking a Sherpa. I should not be trapped in my house. So I do think you guys are in the Himalayas.
Oh, my God, you always do this. So we get it. You read article. The headline is Want to Save You from being canceled. Nepal is not India and it gets your news from Infowars. So I just read your Instagram and then I smart. I know Jeff Probst and Joe Rogan. Jeff Probst wanted me on the show, but I'm not ready for it.
Yes. Wait, let's do it. You wanna do it together? All I'm saying to you, I'm doing you. Oh, I was doing you like Jeff Probst. Want me on the show.
You should do it. Don't they have like couples survivor like friends survivor. We could do together. You would do it together. We would be. We are so annoying.
But that would it's getting more annoying though.
I do think comedians we do have like Garet like I do think we could win. Oh yeah.
And the two fucking psychos for sure.
We do have like a certain level of grit and also exoskeletal. It's about manipulation. I mean shine about like being a pathological liar. Well, it's also about not a lie. I don't you guys are both. Listen, anybody who's a comic has had some damage when you're young and then you see vulnerabilities and people you see things to complain about, like you would find their weaknesses and you are both predators.
You would see where they're fucked up. You like, well, that's what you had to do in a fun home. You had to learn how to beguile and manipulate and charm people. And, you know, I like how our trauma landed us on different land.
You know, Abagail means I'm like white guy bullshit. No bullshit.
Seriously, you guys should 100 percent have a show together. You guys would like, you know, there's like guys we fucked and call her daddy. There's all these. Yeah. You guys would dominate that shit. The two of you would fucking dominate that shit. The two of you together would have the number one podcast on planet Earth. One hundred percent.
Should we try to eclipse Joe Rogan? Do I owe you one hundred percent could do it.
You would get all the girls. Yeah, all of them. All of them.
I mean, you guys I have lots of like I get lots of Europe.
You're both like badass chicks, but you're not even though you have been victims, you're not victims. You talk honest. You're comics.
You're both gorgeous. Nice piece. Your tits are really incredible, but you're both legit comics.
What you two together like that would be a fucking monster combination.
And I'll help you get busy. Guys, we also got the it. I'll do whatever the fuck you want to put on the show. I think you should do it.
We also, by the way, because I just started my podcast. You have your pack, my pocket, like I now have time for another one right now. That's what I'm talking now that I've done the podcast enough. I sort of like it's. Come on, you can do it from this studio. Could we just. You could do it. And we had some plan because here's the thing that we have to figure out how to get somebody to watch.
You like Hawks. Yeah.
Yeah. Did you guys have to keep the Navy SEAL guys on staff? Don't bring in the reason I love Danny so much and our relationship so much is that I feel like I don't see people disagree and no one will tolerate anyone that disagrees with them in any way. People just want to align with people.
It's like a fucking echo chamber, like circle jerk of like we agree we agree with Andy and I can disagree and fuck with each other. And we still respect each other, love each other and have different points of view.
And I just which is we are you know, I agree and I disagree.
About 80 percent of the things on Earth we will show folk like we go back to your balls right now, put them away. We are satisfied. That's how it is with most friends. You're supposed to be like that, like. You're married to your ideas, to the point where they're your identity and you can't be challenged. Well, not only that, like your ideas and ideas, not first of all, it's just an idea. It's not even yours.
It's just an idea. Yeah. And if someone doesn't agree with it, why is it personal? But it is. It is for most of us. Most of the time, it's taken me forever to try to beat that down. And I haven't I don't have it totally beaten down, but I have it to the point where I recognize, oh, I'm attached to this. Let's just look at it for what it is.
It's not me. I'm not this idea, but so many people and this is what we're seeing with politics in the biggest way possible. It's insane. This is not to the Democratic Party is you like you have to win, you know, I mean, it's not just these ideas. It's not just an election where people fighting over the masks to they politicize it.
This part of their identity, they're like those people with their masks on their avatar. Fuck. Yeah.
Yeah, you look badass. Also, I get annoyed when I because I'll do live streams and stuff for my car, not when I'm driving, but I'll have my mask on everybody. Why I'm like I don't. The mask means so little to me, I mean so much to other people. I mean so I don't notice that it's on. Right. I didn't.
That's because your nose is really big, because it is so small. It's more flat and it touches my face. Yeah. Because you got beat up. I'm sorry. I'm so cool. I'm pretty. Nobody wants to punch me in the face.
I want to do a joke that I couldn't do. I was going to maybe do it on a talk show. But about member in the prison inmates were being released.
Yeah, because over covid and I want to do something about that.
Like imagine the warden giving that speech of like telling the prison inmates that they were about to be released. I mean, like, hey, guys, a couple of things changed.
You now have to wear masks at all times, cover your faces at all times and the police have been defunded.
Go see you in a couple of weeks. I know you released the one guy who got released and then murdered the woman who accused him of rape. Oh, yeah.
Mitigants was released. I don't even know. It's because he got a mask because that's what he was going to do if he got out. I don't know if he raped her. I don't know what really happened. But he definitely murdered her.
Allegedly. He was claiming that it was a false accusation and he got out of jail and murdered her. Terrifying. They're releasing violent criminals. It's not just it's not just like people in jail for fear.
They get to where and they get to wear masks all day. I mean, you said these ring cameras, the security cameras. And I'm like, well, everyone's in a mask, so it's insane.
It's what I do. I was thinking, like with the looting, like we couldn't have looked like they know enough of it. Don't you recognize people when you see their eyes? I see push and I go, it's weird how much I can recognize them. And just so I was always like, it would be so embarrassing to get caught. Like I'm like walking with an Apple Watch. I'm like that. Yeah.
That's Butler. Oh, got caught.
Jake put on a camera and mouth was his camera. He plugged in now did he really. This is, was his brother.
He's just so well did you see the mayor shut down that Tic-Tac house that was so partying. Did they definitely shut it down like that. They pulled the electricity. Yeah.
That is a weird thing to do. Look, I'm not saying that they shouldn't tell these people they shouldn't have parties and spread it all over the place because they definitely are spreading like Dr. Malkin, one of the guys that treated us, treated more than a hundred people that went to that party.
And I think somewhere in the neighborhood of almost half of them had covid, Jesus Christ, these people are going to these giant parties and they're sick people at the party and you're drinking and you're twenty and you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Sharon Yeah. Twenty four years old. Going back to like your family. Exactly. Grandpa Dodge my dad. Seventy nine. I want to see my dad so badly is in Philly, but he doesn't want to see you though.
But honestly, like he said, he really is Whitney. It's so sad. Like he's like nope. And I was like no but what if I can't. I was like, I'll drive out, I'll camp, I'll like I'll get tested before whatever. And he was he's like, no, he's like because he's just so he just doesn't want to. He doesn't want to. And I'm so happy he's like that.
But I'm like but dad can I hang out our podcast when we call your daddy, we called our daddies. They need pick up. Daddy's answering. Daddy didn't do a good job. Daddy, daddy will return our calls.
Imagine if you had a podcast called Daddy Didn't Do a Good Job. I love my job so much, but he's like he's like yesterday my dad goes, bring me up. Today I go, Are you sure you want to go? Oh, well, maybe not.
I mean, I am so I'm not where I'm so grateful at all the mistakes my parents made because it's made me like I am equipped in so many ways that so many of my friends that had good childhoods aren't.
And I can just like sort shit out like adversity was so good for boring.
What a comfortable life can be. The most fucked up people I know have married parents. They have all these fucked up expectations are going to divorce.
Shit was bad when I was a kid there. Now I always look at it like this, like now, even though everything was fucked up and I possibly could have been sold into sex. You can't really call at some point. Yeah, I was very.
You were. You wouldn't go for that hiding under the car. Holy shit. That's like one of the good. That's a baby one. You're now you're just bragging like people in high school. My. High school, literally, they all fucked, I was like all the teachers, it just came out another teacher got caught with kiddie porn. It was a school with my graduate class with 17 kids, like there were seven teacher, like, come on, my drama teacher gave one of the students AIDS.
Oh, I found that out later.
How are you, this lazy bond drama bond you just talk about? Maybe that's why you guys call. I'm about to do that for a trauma.
Bond trauma is pretty good.
So I don't. But I but with my parents, I always think, like, they they're good now. Like why who cares about the past? Like, they're so loving and sweet and awesome that it's like, look, people make mistakes.
Exactly. They came with the tools they had. My name is twenty one, which you know what the fuck she was doing. I gave her shots.
There's no way you're going to do a good job as a parent. Twenty one. I mean, it's just so hard. What's your dad's age? I don't know. My dad. Yeah.
He didn't come out of the woodworks when it was like I should have spoken to him since I was seven years old. Does he know you're you? Yeah, I have the same name as him.
He's Joe Rogan, you're a junior. No, I have a middle name. He has reached out to try to get a cut of all this.
He's not smart. You got your smarts from your mom. I to think he's alive. Oh, yeah. He's alive. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. My mom's smart. My mom's family's very smart. Very, very intense people. Yeah. Yeah.
I can tell. What's your lineage? Mostly Italian.
Little bit of Irish. Oh my. Yeah, my biological dad's father was from Ireland. Everybody's from Europe.
Everybody was all my my parents on both sides. All the family was all first generation immigrants.
Do you like Ireland. I've never been. Oh no that's not true. I've been to Dublin for UFC and I was in Belfast. I was in Northern Ireland as well for you FC Ireland three times.
Do you feel like it seems like you feel more of a calling to Italy? Well, that's the family I knew, right? You know, I'm certainly some sort of a European mutt with Italian and and there's some African I got some African in there and some little small amount of Asian.
We heard you had a little African country. I don't know what that means, but I am shocked we haven't gotten cancer.
But that's it's like mostly Italian and Irish. But if you look at some people like like wasn't Conan O'Brien, they found he was like a hundred percent Irish. Never seen anything like this.
Yeah. So it really makes sense. Yeah.
It's interesting when you find out like where your ancestors came from like this. Love it. I have one percent Asian.
I'm like, where's that weird dotcom. The eyes are very big changes their. Yeah.
Genghis Khan had kind of guy fucked so many people he had some preposterous amount of DNA. Is only 20 percent of people are descendants of his or something.
Something wacky like insanity. Have you ever seen or read.
Listen, listen brother to Dan Carlin's hardcore history. Yes. It's an amazing platform.
And he had a whole series called The Wrath of the Khan on Genghis Khan. And it fucking blew me away.
The guy killed ten percent of the population of the planet Earth while he was alive.
And these people in they translate to zero point five percent of the male population of the world, or roughly 16 million descendants living today.
And how many of those descendants have fucked each other? Nearly eight percent of the men living in the region of the former Mongol emperor carry the Y chromosomes that are nearly identical to him.
That means he eight percent of the fucking people today that live in that region have his genes.
That's how many people that that is. Now, they should have done that on Fear Factor. You have to just follow has come. It is really it's like it's like kimchi. They burned the clay jar.
I wonder because my ancestry is Scotch Irish came through West Virginia coal miners and there were a lot of Italian coal miners actually.
Yeah, well, people did what they had to do, but maybe you guys are cousins. That's the thing about like our world today.
It's the jobs that are that suck today.
You know, they still suck. Like there still are people that coal mine. But it's not what most people are doing when they come up.
It's the whole scratch and claw that the immigrants had like that. My grandparents had those people that came here, like straight off the boat. That is us. That's why New Jersey in New York is so hostile.
Yeah, just the echoes of those people, because Joe is coming back. We're going to kidnapped that, like, ancestral trauma. Yeah.
And that's always had this bit about California that everybody got as far as they could fucking want to live in Hawaii. You stay right here. It's like they're trying to get away from everything that was on the East Coast.
There are something so specific about the personality type here. There's something just bitch in the DNA. Yeah, this area lots people want attention.
They want attention really, really badly.
And if they don't get it, they think someone's doing them wrong.
It's a very sensitive culture. And I mean, I guess it's a lot of people to come out here to pretend for a living. Yeah, very emotional people.
Well, a lot of that. And you're coming out here, even if it's not to pretend you're coming out here to get famous, why?
Just feel like if you do get famous, like a certain type of famous, you've now come into this club where they're like, all right, you're not going to you're no longer going to be exactly who you are. And especially with actors, I feel like your job is to play someone else. They go, you're not going to have any personal opinions. You're going to keep our secret. Yes. We're going to like get these kids adrenaline up.
We're going to take their blood and we're going to whatever. But, you know, it does feel like you are agreeing to be a part of the aren't going to let you in, but you have to not. Yeah. You embarrass us like you have to keep it.
Yeah, that's really interesting. And and it's interesting because I'm seeing so many actors now that are becoming activists and I'm like, is that just because you played a doctor on TV, you think you can now be they're not getting any attention, right?
The attention is dried up. There's no sets. You can't go to the set. So there's no movies, there's no TV show. So what do they do? They panic and they make these black and white videos about how they're going to take responsibility. And they're not going to lie and they're doing what they're doing. It's like I'm disgusting, so I'm going to act like I care about this.
I'm going to act like I it's so prepared so like this, because that's what they do.
And now I'm seeing all these celebrities pose with Kamala Harris. I'm like, you know, that's going to do the opposite of what you think. It's got to make America hate her.
It's going to make America realize that the con is on your part of it. Why you there with Hillary? Everyone's like, vote for Hillary or you're an idiot. Or you may want to. There you go, Trump.
Yeah, you know what Joey told me about you that I forgot to ask you last time I was here, but did you have piranhas at some point? Yes. What was that?
I I'm a problem that I don't know you. I used to. Well, I'll do you one better. At one point in time, I had an outdoor courtyard at my house and I was seriously considering glassing it in and getting some crocodile monitors and feeding them rabbits. I had this whole plan and I talked to an architect and I said, just moved to Florida.
I was going to glass in like this terrarium in the middle of my house and I was going to put tropical plants in there and like have sprinklers. So it sprays water and keeps them in a good, healthy environment. I was going to let Wild Kingdom take place in my backyard, but they told me is a real problem with the rotting of the oil. The carcasses. Look, if you feed rabbits to these, they shit and then you got to clean it up and you can't really go in there.
So you have to hire someone to come in and like Russell, the fucking monitors, because they're big. If you want a crocodile monitor, it's a terrifying looking creature. Wow.
I had this idea because it was like a monitor to watch the screen. And I was like, it's like a very large, scary lizard.
And it's because I had the piranhas and I would still talk about Tim Dillon. That's nice.
So you have like a piranha guy who's that handsome crocodiles for pets. But that's not a real good picture of him. That's it. That's it right there. That one. The yellow ones are the middle dinosaurus. Yeah. Yeah. And they get fucking big.
They get big like six feet long and they can kill you. I mean, it's not going to be a fun rest take up. They'll take a bite out of your car. They're going to clamp down. What do you want to run in one day. And there was this guy with like it was a smaller ones, like this big and it was yellow.
I don't know what it's maybe you look at that lady that's holding that one of the top.
I was playing with it like that. And then someone was like I saw later at the Comedy Store was like, you know, that those could bite your face off.
They they do bite, like take your nose off. But you can't predict what a large lizard is going to decide. Look at that.
I think is fucking cool, though. That looks like a T-Rex. I look at that like a dinosaur. It's a goddamn raptor. He's gripping you like Mike Binder did.
And he I don't know, when I became like the person that you touch when you want to say something offensive, it was one of the things I say.
This was like, I'm safe. Don't suck me into this fucked up and move. See, it's what you fucked up and move seats and then you were the closest one. I don't know why I thought Rogan should be in the middle. I should have a tick tock out together.
I said, hey, come on, sit your ass down. We don't know. We just do it without electricity. We're like, fuck this.
We're going to live it just like you guys like Whitney. Like you could do that. You can have a ticktock dude. I would fucking do that. I have her. I've kind of been to you. You can have her ready to play. I've kind of been doing that in the quarantine. I should have been like like Tim Dylan's been staying with me. Esther, I make Annie come over. I just like I want to start like a coven of comics.
Yeah, well, I mean, like we're saying like that's what we miss the most. We wanted to be a harim.
I belted. Well trying to finger you. Thank you. I can't speak for but I can just don't pee on me and we're good I, I do.
I started a podcast in my house. I have a podcast studio. We could do it out of my pocket studio.
My I have a is my goal to make Annie Rich is fuck and just watch you go completely insane.
I love it. Like you are going to be able handle it. You think she'll be OK being rich. Yeah. Yeah I think so.
Like you're going to give it all to like your ex boyfriends anyway. You're going to say I've actually stopped doing that. I actually stopped paying for I've gone broke. Broke and you were this was when used to give me a hundred dollar bills where we were in the parking lot and I go, I'm standing aragón. Right. And I'm like, well, friends, we do the same thing. Obviously I've been doing it longer than everything, but we do the same thing that we're parked in the same park.
Can you teach me how to be rich?
Because I live in that car and that's like one of your sixty cars or something.
And you started laughing in my face when you put out a lot of money. This means nothing to me.
You handed me three hundred dollar bills I tried to do. I tried to give you money once, but I thought it was weird out a relationship.
Well you want to for money. Every time I saw her he would like slap me high five. But then I got where because I thought you thought I was showing up to get money for, you know.
Did you remember when you said I was worried you were going to think that? Oh, no, I never thought that was fun. It was a fun little guy will give you the funniest whenever we should do it.
More like a man, but it gets funnier the more money it is. But you you told me to you were like, if I handle the people that are because I love watching. You get attacked by fans like it's one of my fate when they approach because I see them getting nervous, you can see them, too, probably from fighting to make you so uncomfortable.
And I see them coming and I watch your being cool. You're being caught in. You're very nice. You're fan friendly, but they're just having such a moment they can't get over themselves. They're like freaking out. So I was like, wow. And I told you I knew I'll pay you a hundred dollars to get people away.
You know, I want to get away. But then I started body checking. People are like, that's my friend and I'm going, I'm hungry, I'm hungry. I am going in face. Come on dude. When someone comes up to Rogen like you see them circling like a fucking barracuda. You're talking to Rogue, you see just people circling for some reason. They always want to show you a video.
No, they are they're unfolding a paper that they always have something cued up for you to watch. I got to show you something. And but you handle it really well. You do it without hurting their feelings on your size.
I try you do this Jedi mind trick or, you know, thanks, man. Like, you make that try to be very nice.
But it's an odd thing. But like I said, it was it's a hard one. I mean, like when I met Bourdain. Well, the first thing I said is my wife says you're my boyfriend. That's the first thing I said. That's so funny. She's like going to meet your boyfriend. She thinks she's being funny. And I said it to him and he's like, well, I'm like, all right, you're not a comic. You're a guy with a summary.
So sexy, dude, dude, I'm just a great, great guy.
He's so, so fun to hang around with. I really enjoy. Did you read that article?
I sent him the the girl in McSweeny wrote, I started and I was like, oh, was that wasn't upsetting.
Yeah. Yeah. About what? About Bourdin. She was just talking about like the toxic. Was it before you died or was it after he died.
She went oh she was right.
She was writing about toxic femininity during the meeting movement, which was like a breath of fresh air. Thank you. And but she was talking about ICRA Junta and Rose McGowan and the stuff with the Anthony Bourdain and like how fucked up it was. But she just she's really she's cool. She's on The New York Housewives.
Yes, I know her. Yeah. It's very remote. And it was sort of about him and. Yeah, but it was it's a real sanity.
It's a it's a really good article. OK, just toxic people. Yes. You know, that's what the problem is. If you get into this whole, I believe, all women thing or believe all men thing or believe all trans people, people, anybody, you're going to run into people that are juk in the system.
One, run the toxic people and the people that say believe all this person at the same people, these it's also the same people go, you can't generalize about all people.
It's like, well which is it. Yeah, well that's what they're trying to rope you into complicity. You have to comply. And if they're saying believe or anything, you must comply. Yeah, that's what they're doing. They're they're playing a game with you. And it's not a rational one. It's not a I've thought this through and this is the best way as a sensitive, nuanced person, we should approach this. We should look at it with an open mind.
I'm not saying that they believe or anything believe anything disrespectful to like real victims. It's just it's like, yeah, I always hated the hatcheck. I always would joke. I go, I go. The Metoo movement, the hashtag bother me because it's like here's like I had a girl who I got in a fight with who her argument was. She goes, You don't understand what the Metoo movement was. I'm the only one in this group of girlfriends that has actually had actual assault happen, you know, and sat in court and stuff and like, really hammered, just bragging about her.
You look at it all. Yeah. So I've been a little know they're willing to break the law to touch you. We got to do the right thing, you know, and it's like so it was like I do think I am and I have a good perspective on this stuff. And my and she goes, that's not what we're fighting for. The Metoo movement is about why when I go to the comedy club, do the male comics kiss me on the cheek and not the other guys.
And I'm like, this what? So that's this. This is what I said. This is this part of the hashtag. And then it's like real rapes are No.8, this is real rapes. And then this is like that part. Right.
And then they're like trying to go like, look, give me some of that sweet real rape. I want some of that real rapists. Give me some of that tension. Crazy trying to get the like. You can't group it all together.
It's you can not you know, that a comic not kissing his friends on the cheek, but kissing you don't want to use your words and tell the no person you don't want the pizza on the cheek.
It's not the same as getting like, look, something great. We all know some people.
We can hug each other. We hug each other. There's some people I don't hug. I don't know him that well. Yeah, I don't hug them. But if I hug you, it's because I love you. Yeah. That's why I'm hugging you.
But it's all it's everything's context. It's like it's like I've never felt weird around Joe Rogan hugs cool. Then someone holds on to Lorne like yikes.
Or they squeeze your back or put it on your lower back or touch your neck or something. There's this one girl at the Comedy Store. I don't want to say any distinguishing features because I don't want you to. I don't want to. I don't like being mean. You can't right now. You can't, like, just say a little shitty thing someone did because they'll like be canceled. But here's what I'll say. It's like calling the cops on a block.
You can't do it anymore. We're going to get we're going to get they're going to get killed. Like, I can't be like, oh, it was so funny when that one comment grabbed my, you know, like, you can't say anything. But I but I mean, it's interesting because it's like when I do, I always had context and go like, you don't get to decide what my experience with that person was. If someone smacked my ass and I thought it was funny, I get to decide that I don't get to decide how it affected.
Right. You know, that's like self righteous indignation and this like forcing. We need to have the experience you want me to have just so we can get some adrenaline junkie like Twitter fight, like you don't get to decide how it affected me, you know, so it's like women use your voices and speak up.
But if you say something I don't like, so you get canceled, you get blowback because you're like slowing the progress of outrage. You, like, hit the brakes on outrage because you're like, I'm not outraged. I'm not like you should be outraged. We could use you. You could be a part of the outrage puddle.
I'm outraged about a lot of things, you know, but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm outraged about things that I'm not outraged about.
You said think you're allowed to have your own interpretation of any experience, like if if you have a bunch of friends and all of you run up and smack each other in the ass, we see each other. Right? That's the thing you guys have decided is OK. And if you stop liking it, go. I don't like that anymore. Right.
And if someone does it and then you say they don't like it, they should apologize and they should never do it again. And you say, I'm sorry, I thought we were doing that.
I'm not that like apologies don't work anymore. I'm actually doing I'm doing like a limited series podcast with Bonnie McFarlane about it called Cancel US Next Tuesday, Sunday, but which will be on it.
But we're canceling different things each time. Like, I want you to do the cancel romance because everything's like molesting and romance.
Now, I was dating a guy who was thirty and he asked, he said, Can I take off your bra? Can I kiss you?
And I can you can you bitch. Oh, shit.
I think I'm too old to even understand this new dynamic. A teacher when when you're like, can I go to the bathroom? You mean may I say.
Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, I know. It's really weird.
I think like the new sex sound instead of like slurping and suctioning is going to be it's going to be two body cameras just like clinking against each other. We all need to record on both sides what the fuck's going on. I know you could set up a camera in the room. It's all you have to be pretty much everyone else to do porn. You have to do what you can do, like punch my cervix with my own hand and there will be cameras everywhere.
I remember that was her sternum I was in.
I was in Houston like a year and a half ago when I was running like a new hour that a lot of it was about the metoo stuff, you know, trying to keep it in context. Like a lot of this stuff shouldn't be reduced to a tweet or a fucking iPad or whatever.
So I was trying to really like dimensionless it. And I'm in Houston. I go on stage and I'm I'm sort of like, take him arguing both sides, which is what comics can we play devil's advocate? And I said something about like a guy that did smack my ass and work or something. And I was like, yeah, that shouldn't have happened. That was sort of my take on it. And this woman in the front row just went, girl, take the compliment and move on.
And just being like people have different takes on, this is a little bit like, OK, so I was I've been walking, trying to walk five miles a day, just thinking and going through shit and coming up with ideas.
And I was walking with like my fanny pack. I'm sweating like shit. You guys are like the crazy sunglasses I wear, like the least hot thing in the world. And I get this beat from this, like, beat up Corolla, you know, from like the eighties.
And this guy, like, rolls up and just started whacking it fairly, like it's like barely you like it's not like stop bragging on this bike. But I'm saying I said you're hot. We get it. Even when I'm ugly, I can't help themselves.
I had so many a range of emotions because then he had like a baby seat in the back and I was like, what's going on here? But then, like, so I was just thinking I was like I went through this range of emotions. And then I was like, you know, one day I will miss this. I do think for real, I'll be like, I'm going to be a lot of guys do that to old ladies is going to say, you know, but also like out forever.
There are times guys have done something like that, like grab me in a way that ostensibly seems really weird and it hasn't made me feel uncomfortable. There is time someone to come to the comments to say absolutely nothing, look at me a certain way. And I'm like, something's off about that.
Your band, you know, right off the wall. But you're allowed to have that. And ties are allowed to have the two. Like there's some women that you're be around.
I going to get the fuck off about this person or they'll grab you. Or how about Bill purs bit that he had in his last special paper Tiger about a comic who's a very prominent feminist comic who slapped him in the dick because he was going on to the stage, they were swapping positions and he was going on the stage and she was coming off and she slaps his debt.
And there all these there are so many I'm trying to like really for my next special work on, like the way that we're sexist towards man because there's just no one talks about that. I heard that your answer, Huberman on my podcast the other day is amazing, brilliant neuroscientist who's working on this thing for your eyes and all the stuff. And he comes on it's like he's on my podcast and I'm like, God, you're so hot, you're hot.
And I realize it's this. If this was reversed, if a podcast host had a female scientist on and was like, you're hot, you're sexy for a scientist, they would go to jail. No, I can't. I'm sure I like I honestly like I'm like I think under these guidelines I have by like, OK, but here's the difference. The difference thank you for rubbing is I was going to explain to Shubham it's a gorilla.
He's a big do, he's a big 230 pound man. Like he can't say that to you that way. If he was the comedian and you were the scientist, it would be threatening to you. You're not threatening him by saying he's hot. It's just a console. Right? You don't know what she can manipulate.
She could really. But it was, you know, because I was because he looks like a neurologist and a Marvel movie, right.
Like you would categorize Marvel movies as like he's going to tear his, like, scientist thing off. He's got a thick ass neck is big.
Brawny dude is a guy you would see in a Marvel movie who would play a scientist like that's not a fucking. I'm get to stop, guys, stop.
But there are times I feel like I get away with shit that a guy would never fucking get over. Like, that's not fair.
But that's. But it is fair. That's the dynamic because there's no threat from you. Right. That's why you can get away with it. Like you said, something crazy, maybe like fuck you talking about. It would never be like, oh, jeez, now I have to be scared to be alone with her.
This woman has to be scared to be alone. But I think what happens, too, is there's like the power thing comes into it, too.
And then you're like, so is it like social power, political power, career power or you know, we know girls who are forced guys into having sex with them, girls who are in power, who force guys who are working for them to have sex.
We do we do know. We know them. We know them. So this but we don't give a fuck.
It doesn't appear to dive under this table at the that we're just any names. But it doesn't mean that it's been and he's very upset with you. We don't care. Right. We don't care. But if it was the other way around, it would be a real shame. If they do care, I care. Like if they feel victimized by it. I do. Yeah. That's for the victim. It's not a gender thing. Like if they do feel like, fuck, I thought I wasn't going to.
But here's the thing.
If a guy's like Jesus, I can't believe I'm doing this is so disgusting. But I need this job and he does it. We laugh.
I would be like, yeah, let's do it. Like you did what? No, you did it. Yeah.
And I think a lot of people get caught into the in the sort of logistics of like, well, would you be able to get a boner if you didn't want to do it right?
I mean. Oh you then we're not leaving, man. We're doing the right thing. It's a good point.
You know, it is a legitimate good point. That that's a good point. Like, can you as a man get raped? Without getting about, you know what I mean, if you if you can if it's just mental to drink the cum of whatever animal that was, then it's just mental to not be able to.
Yeah, you can relate to the you can certainly make an argument that if a man gets an erection, that he's consensual. But here's the thing. Can a woman force you into doing something and then you start enjoying it, so you go along with it. But the beginning part was forced. Yeah, right. So is it still OK?
It's a good question. That's a hard one. That's that would be like overly aggressive man, too. If a woman saying, no, no, no, she starts like, yeah.
Is that rape? Because it kind of is, especially if you've got a good editor.
It's so hard because like four years ago, we know from comics like what the hot topics were and it was fucking 50 Shades of Grey where we were going, we were going. When we say no, we mean yes.
That was literally like if you have a helicopter and you're a billionaire, it's another great big hand and a bag of onions.
No, it's another grape at the Brás where he goes, no, always means no. He's like, no it dozen sometimes like no time, no stops really hard.
That's that's true. But on paper, it's not like you look at it in quotes, it's like, OK, yeah that's not cool.
Do you know about the consent condoms. I was working on a bet about this before this condom.
Condoms. No, I'm allergic to not having fun by the way. I didn't realize it until I was like twenty eight.
I thought it was a fact that guys could be allergic to latex. Oh that is hilarious.
No, my balls drop. It's not. I can't be with you because guys would use that as an excuse to not use the wrong dating pool. Guys are allergic to shit but so.
OK, wait so can say condoms are you have to have four hands on it to open the condom. Oh my God. Which by the way, if you're raping there's probably not a condom involved. And but the joke I'm trying to work on is like I have to put all your hands on it like a Ouija board.
Do you love me.
Just put it into the trash because nobody's using condoms. Come on, let's make condoms harder to use. Let's make let's put another barrier between condom.
I don't think I've ever gotten involved in that. I'm always just like you handle that. I don't know what people got mad. There was outrage when the condoms came out because they went, that's ablest because if people don't have hands, they can't put their hands on.
And my point was, if you don't have hands, aren't you just fist fucking and you like wrist fucking them, you're like, stop fucking.
We're playing a game of jeopardy with outrage, you know, just looking for things to be pissed about. If you're really so pissed that you need forehands to open up this condom because you only have one hand or someone out there only has one hand, that's a crazy thing to get upset about.
Also get a friend to lend you a hand.
But it's also I think it's it's on us to stop taking outrage seriously. We have to just ignore it. We have to ignore it. It's not that big of a deal.
It's a game. It's a final thing that you could be upset about. Find it. I don't have to actually be upset.
I got in trouble and I and I'm exaggerating. It wasn't that bad, but I said basket case. Basket case. Are you telling me?
Yeah, it's a basket case because Basket Case refers to soldiers in World War One that had all of their limbs removed. They could fit in a basket. They'd call them a basket case. And I was the guy I said something where I was like, if you insult yourself, it's a self-deprecating thing. I'm saying I'm crazy. I'm a basket case. You're like you're defending World War One soldiers.
No, I'm offending myself. They're all dead. I think they're fine. I'm going to tell them I got in trouble for it. She was saying something. It was Veteran's Day or something. And it was about she's made some like it was like spaghetti o's. There's nothing. She's like, yeah, the only thing they can eat or something that they can eat without have teeth or something. And it was like people like, how dare you. And it's like but they aren't elderly and it's not.
She's just making a joke.
And then she didn't she put out an apology that wasn't an apology and was very good. Yeah. I mean, we need to really when she was born, I think this is what happens when sports because this is what happens when everything's gone away.
Yes. This is like the vibration of the country. This is our vibration. It was already happening, but this accentuated it in a big way, the vibration. So off all the St. James altitude, the guy who he's one of the owners of Stand Up New York. Did you read the article that you wrote about New York? He's like New York City's dead forever and it's not coming back. And it's fucking terrifying. Yeah, and it's true and it's accurate.
And I think that's the same with L.A. and I think it's the same with a lot of people. And people are on fucking tilt right now. Do you think that everything like subsistent so cool, dude, Austin's dope.
But do you think that the sort of modern day coliseum is Twitter? Like we've always had this in us. We've always wanted to watch people get torn apart.
I think it's a totally new thing. It's not just watching people get torn apart, it's the ability to participate. And it's also it's like having stock and taking someone down.
You're getting addicted to this weird feedback loop that the book irresistable talks about. You're putting something out there and then you're reading the response. You're you're addicted to how many likes and read tweets and shit you get.
And I think you feel addicted to feeling part of something. You take that down.
I was upset that I'm an activist. Yeah. How active is people have it in there. Like bios now. Like activist. You as an activist, they complain a lot, they complained a lot, and they try to get people canceled. When I was in college, it's like you're an obnoxious complain.
They were talking to the people like you, like the environment like, oh, fuck, of course I like the environment.
But I got to go to Whole Foods, let alone actors don't get any attention or they become activists. And this is a really common thing with the people that are just pure narcissists. I just you see them like supporting these fucking what is your qualifications like?
What qualifies you? I just feel like if you want to get the ultimate virtue signalling and the best way to be like a good person, because I do believe all of this is like a fear of death and people want to live on TerraPass their life.
Yeah. So they're like, if I do all this good stuff, like when I die, like all the news will talk about me and they'll celebrate my birthday or whatever, and I'll live on forever. But if you think about with oh my God, I'm having an 80 moment. What was I talking about. Eighty, eighty, eighty.
You were talking about cancer, culture, cancer, culture, activism, activism. The best way to do it is the way that George Michael did it, where he he was underground. Amazing. He was like giving to these charities. He was like a silent philanthropist. If you really want that attention, which I'm not saying that's what he did when he died, it came out that he was like, yeah, amazing. Yeah.
And it wasn't like the glory of being on this earth, like everyone being like, wow, you're like, that's so amazing that you don't do this. And people post their donations. It's so great.
You did it for the right reasons, right? Oh, I'm not rich enough to understand. I mean, I think people don't understand.
Like when you see a celebrity get a huge tax donation, everyone's like they're so amazing. It's like, well, that's also a write off for them. So, oh, my God, they have to give a certain amount of weight to learn America.
It's just so transparent and gross when you see people trying so hard to get people to think they're virtuous. And that's what it is. It's like I see it.
But when when you see people do it that, you know, are pure narcissists, it's offensive. But I felt like during Black Lives Matter, I was so conflicted because I did want to I was like, I don't want people to. I am like for I want people to have equality. And I do believe there's systematic racism and or systemic.
I said wrong, uneducated my dad anymore, but he did in some industry schools. But no, but I do believe in that. But like with the blacks where I ended up posting it and then I the reason I was so mad at myself is because I always I'll do the thing, but I always want there to be an element of jokes because I'm a comedian. Yeah. So I realized after I posted it what I should have done was repost Rachel Dolezal Black Square, and then I would have had in the corner.
I would have said and I fucking missed that opportunity. But people were like your virtues.
And it's like I just, I don't I do want to let it be known that I'm willing to, like, lose followers over.
But you have to also know what like their motive in doing it. It's so clear when someone's doing it, it's self-serving.
It's like when someone dies and you see them post a picture of them and the person that died, it's like, did you just go into your iCloud and be like, where's that photo of me? The dead Facebook? Joan Rivers died.
Someone posted a comic pusser's terrible. Posted a thing that was like, I'm going to miss Joan Rivers. Once she saw me perform and told me how amazing.
You're just like, how are you managing to make this death about you?
There's nothing grosser than when someone talks about how much someone who died, loved that, loved them, thought they were awesome. Right? No way.
Notre Dame was burning and everyone was posting photos of them at Notre Dame bragging about, you know, just bragging about your chin.
None of them went and none of them waited in line to go in. They were outside like, fuck that light inside. And then as soon as it caught on fire, everyone was like, this was me.
Well, during the protest, they were getting people were canceling, like the the people taking selfies with well, they were taking selfies then going home and actually protesting because I was at one of the protests and people come and take a picture and just start out. I was like, Jesus Christ.
I was I told Daniel I was like, if you need my my white body to jump in front of you because they were showing, like, videos of, like white girls, like going in front of black eyes when the cops would come over to stand in front of them as a white shield. I was like I was like, Darnell, I'll stand in front, I'll use my white body in funny, but only when the cameras on, like, I just like jump in front.
I get my photo op and then I'm like, all right, so ridiculous.
But yes, I think it's just like a matter of motives and it is so clear when someone's using it against their own agenda.
Well, I think the dance kicked it to attention. That's right. They love attention. Social media is the big attention fix and everybody's hooked on.
Imagine thinking that someone imagine like being on a soap opera and thinking someone wants your take. Yeah. On politics, like imagine being an actress.
They think it's a career move. I really do. I think when you want to support the right candidate or you want to support the right bill, which had zero celebrities.
Scott Baio. So yeah, zero. Well, look, he had zero zero celebrity.
So Kanye eventually. But I know. Is he coming on? I don't think so.
The irony that celebrities think they're helping when in reality they're harming the fact that they didn't go like, oh, this is why people hated Hillary, a big part of it.
How that's why Ricky Gervais is so funny, like calling everyone out at the awards ceremony because they're like they're all like, fuck, everyone's time's up. I'm like your friend from last year. How many of them? Have videos of them thanking him at the Academy Awards. That's what and then there were always so many people thanking Harvey Weinstein. How does somebody like you fucking asshole? But he probably was like, I never saw this coming. You would have ever thought that I'm going to get taken down with all those videos of all those people.
Meryl Streep saying how amazing I am. All these people see how amazing he is. Still got taken.
No, how crazy that was. I remember being at the Comedy Store when Ricky Gervais was doing that and I posted, Oh, everyone's mad at Ricky Gervais, which probably means he told some jokes like I tweeted that or something. Ben Shapiro was tweeting it like Kandace Owens was. All of a sudden I was all right because I was defending jokes.
He knows about this. All right.
If you're pro comedy because they're not being real, they're not being honest.
They just they just want to box you into a corner and label you and then play this game to see how many people retweeted where it goes and whether they can get you cancelled.
No one wants no one. No one that that's.
Yeah. That's about nuance. But that's a lot of what it is. It's like they just look at you as a target.
I read on somewhere that 22 percent of people are on Twitter, and of that, two percent generate 80 percent of the comments.
Yeah. So it's also such a small group.
And environmentally, there's a lot of them are mentally ill, like legitimately mentally ill, like depressed, anxious, fucked up, checking their shit contradicted on their on their bios.
It'll say proud mental mental health advocates like they I always get someone that is like, you're a busted whore and I always want to like, go to their patients, always like proud father.
I'm like, oh, what a girl who's so obviously a woman rights that her she identifies as Hirshey. And you're like, what if it's a different thing? Show me.
Like a favorite is they them you write them on your bio. I mean, I love it.
Yeah, they it's a I mean, I think that we have to stop taking cancer, like we have to stop giving it airtime, you know. I mean, we have to stop.
We can tell arena, we can be mocking it is what's important. Yeah. No, we're talking about it like this. But I mean I just like whenever it's like we can't do jokes. Yes, you can fucking do them. Just keep doing it. And Franklin has a joke that I don't I'm going to butcher it but it's something along. Do you know her. I love her. So funny. OK, so she goes, she goes I can't use people's correct pronouns because then I just sound like a slave if I'm like they that, you know, just like slave life.
But when you get into a hyperdrive and start telling jokes, people want to laugh.
Other comics might not want to, journalists might not want to, just as words might not want to. But the average person is like not on Twitter every day. Attack audience.
Yeah, well, people trying to be offended, which were talking about earlier, that's not that they're actually offended. They're trying to be offended and then becomes a game, find things that are targets. Is is it actually offending you? Is that what you're talking about or have you found a valid target and now you're just going after it because this is the game like, yeah, you sank my battleship.
They're playing a little weird game, makes them feel important or something. And then the most annoying fucking thing I get is whenever I, like, laugh at an offensive joke and someone goes, you're enabling like, oh, so I'm the problem.
But you also kind of realize, like even in valid criticism, it's still valid to that dummy. That's like a valid piece of criticism. Like we can't silence them either. Right. The whole thing is mocking them. Right. Like market.
So like you expose it for what you really think it is, but they have to be able to do that, too, so we can figure out where the line really is. This is what a lot of people that are really super liberal don't understand why they think it's a good idea to silence and platform conservative people. It's a terrible idea because then you don't develop the proper arguments for what they're the way these things are supposed to go. If someone says something like you're an enabler and you're like, shut the fuck up, right?
And everybody's like, yeah, fuck you. And then that person looks like a moron. And then someone has a valid piece of criticism, then the comment kind of looks like a dick.
And then maybe and then and then you figure out what we actually agree on instead of using buzzwords and using like little things that people say to just find a target, we both have to exist for us both to exist just to figure it out.
And a lot of those people are going to get out of that. They're going to be your friend. But also you're you're allowed like like you're not better than other people because you think a certain way. There's so many people that are like, I'm right, obviously, and you're wrong, obviously. And it's like that's not how things work. And with all the canceling, all the Twitter stuff, they're going like down this line of which now we've given them with Twitter.
Right. You're just giving people a transcript of, like, all the shit you've said over the years. But it's like you're expected to have this perfect record, like you're never supposed we're about to learn.
That's how we learn. That's how we grow. It's through adversity. We learn, we fuck up, we fail, we get back up. And there's no room for that anymore. But it's also here's the thing like why are you spending so much time complaining about other people thing? I'll tell you why.
Because you're not healthy. That's right. You're not doing smart things. If I look at your Twitter timeline and I'm seeing tweets twelve hours a day, you're a crazy person. Yeah. You might not realize you're a crazy person.
It'll be a day where we will look back. Remember when anyone could get on Twitter at any time you think there's going to be like smoking, there's no restrictions. I think Twitter is going to be like Blockbuster Video. I think we will look back. Remember when we used to communicate through Twitter like, oh, my God, it was so toxic. Everybody was so mean.
We're going to hit some new thing next. It's going to allow people to read each other's minds or Elon Musk's neural link, which he's talking about communicating with no words. We're going to hit that and it's going to make this seem like nonsense. Yes. What we're lacking in this is one of the things that in that book Irresistable, there's there's no empathy right. In these conversations. And that's the big part of the problem. It's like you don't see the people, you don't feel their pain.
So you could say horrible shit to them.
It's the vast majority of the way people are communicating. Like a lot of rights, the vast majority of their communication is text messages and tweets, and none of it is person to person. These kids are arguing with each other through texts because they don't want to look at each other and talk like human beings. Ironically, the only way you develop and grow as a person, Louis did like a whole kind of bit on one of the late shows before obviously the canceling.
But he where he was talking about that, he's like, you need like his you need to see someone's feelings be hurt to realize that your words have a specific type of impact on people. And then you decide like, oh, I don't want to do that anymore. Like, I don't want to. But if you don't if you just are shooting these things out and they're going into this void and you get you get praise from them by other ones, we're sitting at home by themselves.
Diga Cancellara, they're so excited about it. Like little moms, little moms. It's a drug. I mean, it is a drug.
You do feel that? I got to say it's like the same way when you drive by a car and you're like, well, we're hoping to use everybody, you know, you kind of want to see some fun. Like, when I see that someone, you know, they do these like so-and-so is over party, which is so fucked up when you think about it. But I'm always like pure adrenaline and I can't help myself.
Oh, my God. People female comedians who are like that. Some that would probably say the Comedy Store sucks. They did a a retirement party for men. It was like all these like comics that aren't passed the actual clubs, female comics. Yeah.
And they had like a banner and it was like five men or whatever it was like two years ago.
And like it's adorable. That sounds like a good use of their time.
Maybe I can like some fucking jokes and all we want is it to be like what you and Andy and I were, you know, bonding a lot over the break about sort of like, you know, no one's been meaner to us in this business than women.
Yeah. You know, it's like like, no, I have that uncomfortable conversation.
Yeah. You know, just chill. Yeah. It's not men versus women. It's bad versus good men and good men versus bad women and bad.
Again, it's like we live in generalizations. So yeah, we love generalizations and we don't like nuance because it makes us forces forces us to look at our own ideas.
That's uncomfortable just because, you know, men are doing well in a business and you're not it doesn't mean the men have some sort of a conspiracy. You know, I think it's harder for a woman to be a comic. I do. And I think it's harder because the society I think it's more difficult to talk about things that are important, like a man can talk about politics is very difficult for a woman to go on stage, talk about politics.
Men can talk about sex and they don't look like they're slut or damage.
I think if you're a woman has to, you can if you're an unattractive woman like there was who Christopher Hitchens. Christopher Hitchens had a bit in Vanity Fair, wrote a story. Women aren't funny. And that's why it was like this just really sort of takedown of like the kind of comedy that a woman has to do to be funny. They have to be butchie or has to be male, kind of come. And I don't necessarily agree with them because I think there's a lot of women that are really funny.
But I think it's a harder path. I think it's a more narrow keyhole you're shooting through, whereas a guy I think in general, audiences will accept a man telling them what's wrong, whereas I think a lot of men in particular on dates do not want to hear a woman, especially an attractive one, tell the the the guy in the audience that he's wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think women are naturally more empathetic and tend to be more empathetic just because we're mothers, we're nurturers, we're caregivers.
And so we are we're not I mean, we're barren and we have to do comedy whenever like like Joey said something like, you're smart, you're like, you know, you're like one of the guy like you fit in with me. I'm like, you fit in with me, bitch. Like, this is how I am. But but but it's like you.
I keep forgetting I've got to stop smoking weed. Yeah.
It's just it's like early on that I know that females are more empathetic, more empathetic, so more willing to listen to a guy talk about his day jerking off or anything like one of those things that maybe we wouldn't have the experience of having as a woman.
But guys are less interested in hearing about wasn't one of the points that Hitchens' was making that we're wired to worry about women if they hurt themselves and so much of comedy is talking about I hurt myself. I made this mistake. I you know, that it's sort of like we're wired to be protective of them. So it's not funny. Like if a if a man slips on a banana peel, it's funny if a woman slips on a banana peels like, are you OK?
If does any one factor think there's a bunch of factors. But I think that's it, too. Yeah, I think that's that factors, too, but I think the big one is men don't want to hear women talking about things like opinions on politics or opinions on money or opinions. I like to get mad. A lot of guys like, yeah, they'll get that thing, especially young guys and young guys on dates that want to look like a cool guy.
And some girl saying something like, here's the fucking problem with men.
Yeah, this bitch. Yeah. No, you don't vote for Biden. You know, you ain't black. Yeah. Whatever whatever they want to say.
It's like I was also the Charlamagne was like I'm trying to like yeah. Charlamagne was like I love Charlotta too.
But it had to be in his head.
He had to be like, damn, that's a good clip right there because the band got it bad. America was like, good for you. That's bad for America.
Say, do you remember a time when we were doing stand up and people would intro us, says, So are you guys ready for a lady they would introduce like you're going to be really this is not gonna be very ladylike.
So which is their way of saying if you guys need to go to the bathroom or failure meter, now's the time.
That was what we talked about the other night. The word comedian used to be a word.
I get that a lot. People say it like it. It's ironic cause it's like The New York Times and like really fancy journalists with, say, comedian. Are you supposed to be the most vocal of the vocal passive that's supposed to be sophisticated? A lot of people don't even like actress anymore.
They just say I'm an actor. Yeah, because a female could be an actress. They're like they prefer activist. I actually don't mind being, like, treated like an under because it's an opportunity. Make a joke. Yeah. Like when they bring you always sang before. Like sometimes Jason Garland is a guy like me and I'm like this sexy this next sexy.
And I'm always like oh but instead of getting offended I just go on stage and I go. When we were out in the parking lot one night, I said if my wife were dead I'd fuck, I'd fuck that shit out of you. I was like, if I was dead, possibly you could fuck the shit out of me. And it always gets a laugh. It makes it less uncomfortable. It's like our job is to, like, make fun.
Yeah. Like of a weird situation like Nocco. Like, I'm deeply like, why would I be offended? Who cares.
And it's fun to come on in a hole somewhere and dig out and it's definitely some way to break the ice.
Yeah. And there's also like, you know, I remember when I first started, I was like, you know, I look back and I'm like, people look like women are funny and women are.
I was like, I wasn't funny when I started. No one's funny when they fuck.
I was so, you know, and I started molesting me and laughing at my Jesus.
And but I remember being so offended when people like women are funny. And, you know, I couldn't get stage time because I didn't deserve such.
But there's a lot of guys that are not funny to. Yes, of course, not isolated to any gender. There's a lot of women that are funny. And that's that's why the whole thing is so offensive, because it's to the people that have already gotten through and become professional comics and they know what the real deal is.
The real deal is you like everybody was funny. Yeah, that's the real deal. Real deal is everybody is kind of really cool to each other that are really funny.
Yeah, I know what you make Michelle or whoever is a killer fortune.
Framestore, their only curly haired women. So that's I think a funny no.
Yeah. Carrotmob. But no, no one.
I mean all those people are just accepted. That's right. Because they're funny. Yeah.
Nobody pays money, drives out to a comedy show, gets a date, pays a two drink minimum and then wants to like intentionally not laugh at someone. Yeah, nobody does that. They want you to win.
But I think a lot of guys have a hard time with women being in control. I really do. Yeah. I know a lot of guys. That's what I'm like. She's hilarious and she talks about this too much.
Yeah. Yeah. There's just guy. I feel like there's no off limits. It's just funny. It's funny. You can talk about anything.
There's no there's no remember they used to be male political comedians like Will Durst, like his whole act would be political or Randy Credico. The whole was political. Jimmy Tingle's very political. There's never a woman, comics like that.
Now there's like talk shows like Samantha Bee or like right now shows like Talk Talk Show.
But Samantha Bee, I've been in the audience. When Samantha Bee had I remember they were first running the ad campaign for the show coming out. They still were doing things that way. It was like they had her have like these big balls. There's nothing like playing so much on the gender thing where it's almost like just do the show and which, by the way, do whatever you want.
Obviously, she has a successful show, but it's like, let's just be women doing a thing and not have to talk about the fact that I reminded that all the time.
Well, when you're a woman and you're in a position of power like that, you kind of have to like the be the one who takes control. And like there's an issue that needs to be discussed. You kind of have to call it out on your show. Right. It's not like if a guy is doing a show like Jimmy Tingle or not.
Jimmy, Jimmy, you've gotta stop saying what it's like to go beyond where it is. One of those guys from Boston when I first started, it was a brilliant, brilliant comedian.
But anyway, a male comic doesn't feel like they have to defend men, right? Like if a another male comic is getting shit on, they don't feel like they have to jump into the fray. Hey, these guys have to stick together, but women do.
I think I don't like you, but I don't have the. I don't have tits and I don't be allowed to say Baron with Baron Trump around to Trump.
So interesting. Imagine that if it becomes a word that like, hey, you know, like that's the least of his problems, say, infertile. You have other words, use the right very long ones that are going to have to go about our proposition for you.
Well, I was telling her, you two are the ones that have made me freak out the most about whether I can have kids or not.
So do you want to go have these unfreezing her eggs? You want to freeze your eggs? You both were like you both were like if you're going to have kidney problems. And she was like, freeze your eggs today. I was like, can I borrow money for the Uber?
At least like there's no more Uber in L.A. as of today. Oh, really?
Shut Uber and Lyft down. Cool.
Yeah, because because of covid, there's nothing to do not make money, because the regulations the state government wants to put on people, they want them all to be employees. Mhm.
Yeah. But they're using the covid as the. No they're not using covid, it's just they just passed it and Uber and Lyft are both pulling out of California, which is going to mean how many people are going to have to drive drunk now. Wow. How many people are and how many people. Jobs exactly. How many people who are barely getting by anyway. All almost like the carpet got pulled out from under them. And there's a lot of people that are at least they're doing Uber and they're driving people around again.
How many comments are going to lose all of their setups now that they don't have Uber drivers to talk about?
I mean, we only can hope that they come to their senses and realize how crazy this is in this time to take any job away. But I think the problem is some people want it because they want health insurance and they want all sorts of protections as an employee.
But it's it's a gig, you know, it's what they call it like gig employment. Right?
Right. It's not a job. It's a career. It's just to get.
Yeah. And you can make a lot of money doing it part time. And they're like, nah, fuck you. You're making a lot of money. They're not making as much money. You need to give them some of that money. They need to be employees. I get the argument.
Yeah, interesting. Isn't Airbnb not allowed to because of covid?
Oh, no, no, I don't think that's true because I know people have used everything because I was going to say I think everyone's like surfing and shit, but but I bet they're hurting, though, that a lot of people don't want to do it.
But the thing about the Uber in the Lyft thing, it's like I see both ways because it's like how much money they make off that app and how do they divvy that shit up.
Yeah, I see a lot of those drivers and Teslas and I'm like, you must be making some money. Maybe that's just the person who wants a Tesla. Yeah, it's as if I just work ten hours a day. I can afford it. Right, right, right, right.
But the thing is like who's the Uber people in the Lyft at the people that own the company, how much are they making. But just having an app. Yeah.
I mean they're not good. I don't think they give a great percentage to.
I started not liking Uber when the drivers could rate you back, you could rate you back and I would just get in Uber sometimes and say nothing. I'm going to start working on my act and sometimes people do want to chat and I'm just really quiet.
And then I would get like four stars. So maybe that like maybe they didn't like your special. I like me in my talk.
It's going to be much worse, though. Does Lyft do the same thing? They have the you know, I would only have done Uber, but does Lyft have it the right?
I don't know. I got cancer. I got kicked off of left because I was my driver, just ran my foot over once and I left a message on his answering machine, like, I hope you rot in fucking hell. And then they said, I abused him. And then they asked why. And I just went, Honestly, I'm PMS thing. I didn't I wasn't like us. They almost hurt me and I'm on my period. And I drove over your fucking for trying.
Where are they trying to change what PMS is called? Because it was offensive. It was instead of Tippett's means, people who menstruate.
It wasn't a post menstrual dysmorphia. Aren't they calling it that now? Did we change morphia. Yeah, dysmorphia.
Body dysmorphia. Yeah. They were trying to put tampons in the men's bathroom at Yale because they said sometimes men menstruate.
I think the last time I was on this podcast we talked about they we talked about it's adorable. Just weird.
Women don't. Thing is, though, it's like it's not like being anti. It's just they're not allowed to talk about it at all unless you're, like, completely on the side of. Of I don't want to talk about it, so you're getting canceled.
You can't just go like I'm standing outside of this situation and I know this side is saying this and the side is saying that and you can't because then they're like, you're you're trying if you ask why you're here and say, here's what you can say.
We put tampons in the men's room because sometimes trans women use the men's room and they can still get their period. That's an accurate way of saying that. That's a real way. You can you can say that, Hala.
It's not me. It's not me. You're a mess. That wasn't me. That's you. That's me. That is always the best thing do when someone shits on you for so many years that they're trying to who's calling? You're the only people that tell you it's a little after being like you guys are there without me.
I know it's Tim Dillon being picked up, but very distinctive ring. So when you call me, I know exactly what I have on this island.
I have T rex roar. That's really. Yeah. So my son calls me. It roars.
Dude, when are we ever going to see you again, Joe? I'm actually starting to get sad. Oh, it's disgusting. Listen, I'll come back.
I only fly private now since I got my second tour library. But my favorite part of Austin is it has the largest population of bats in North America.
Oh, good gracious.
But that gave us don't eat any of them, not Chinese people that she's raised scientists a bridge and everyday people. I met scientists at the Science Council science. I'm a Chinese scientist. Have you seen them fly out from under the bridge? Yeah, at dusk.
So cool. Yeah, it's really cool. As soon as it starts turning dark out, they fly out. I mean, millions of them. Yeah. I mean, not just in North America.
Look at that. Look at that largest festival. That's so fun. That's in Austin with the moon tower. Moon Tower. Isn't Austin the only city that still operates Moon Towers?
I don't know. It is. I don't know. I believe it is. I never want to and I've never done any of those. Yeah, those are good.
And the Austin City Limits is another one. It also is the only nude beach in Texas. I do know that.
So I've done Austin City Limits. I've done the theater, the big theater, the what is the theater paramount? Is that what it is? You can I don't know, but it's beautiful. Yeah, it's gorgeous inside.
I said at the Paramount Theater in Austin, it's so the Moonlight Towers also only known surviving Moonlight Towers in the world.
What does that mean? I don't know. Those go on at night and it creates light as if it was the moon. They're everywhere seeing only known surviving.
And then there's a picture of Brody. I hate that a god. It's like, fuck Jesus, I got my Brody. And by the way, Robin's God. Have you been to Austin before?
Yeah, I did. The Moon Tower. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah, they let me do festivals sometimes. We're going to come. We're going to come. Let me come visit.
We'll we're going to take over your studio for our podcast.
Childminding Trauma Bundamba. Well no you already have one with Bohning. I'm jealous.
Well you're going to be on it and we're just doing sex work. It's a limited series. Do you think Bonnie's going to try to put a wedge between you two?
Know, Bonnie's the cool. She's such a I talked to Bonnie every day we laugh all.
She's the fucking funniest. She's in the world and the movies are great.
We're talking about women aren't funny. It's a fucking when she dressed up like a guy and said she looks like Roffey, who we were talking about the other day a little bit. Yeah.
She looked something that made me laugh so hard at that documentary is when there was she was like, well, there are some women that aren't funny and because there's less of us, you can make a sort of stereotype based on one person. Like we don't need to get more women in comedy. We just have to ask the people that suck to quit.
Yeah, she started she called them a bunch of female comics and she was like, hey, can you stop doing standup? It's ruining it for the press. You know what? You know what my feelings are. It's not the people that suck. It's the people that aren't that good. Those are the dangerous ones. It's not going to suck because the ones who suck, everybody knows they suck. You just kind of and not about you.
It's the ones that are just fucking shit. No, it's the their premises are kind of okay. The delivery is kind of all right.
They get so that they don't get enough and then they're angry.
Those are the ones I think it's a male comics fault that because if you think about the best pickup line for male comics to hit on a female comic is you're funny.
Funny. Yeah, you're really funny. Yeah. Like you're funny. And then girls like I am like totally worked on me so I don't.
But see to me I feel like if someone says you're funny, you're not funny. If you just come up stage like it's like I said nothing.
That means you're funny or I mean look, if someone thinks you're funny, they, if they say it, it should register. Yeah. Right. Yeah.
The problem is it's you get that male female dynamic. Yeah. She's trying to fuck me.
Well that's why I like that you find me disgusting and you're so funny. I'm like, OK, I had to say that in the moment.
It was very amazing about comedy that does kind of neuter us, you know, like I don't feel sexual energy around comics. Like, no offense. Right. But there's just something it just feels very fraternal and just I never feel sexual or what we were talking about at the Comedy Store the other night when we were doing the thing.
It's like there's not that many of us. Yeah, there might be a thousand of us on the planet at a seven million, maybe way less.
I mean, after this pandemic. Yeah, legitimate. Well, they can't drive anymore. They got to go. I mean, I think we're going to come back and half the comics are going to have to have moved home. And I'm going to get another sweet spot to the Comedy Store now.
I'm like, oh well, you will.
The question is how many clubs are going to be open? The concert is going to stay open, but how many clubs will be? There's going to be a lot that go under.
A lot like maybe half of them in the country has a lot of what I was hearing was I kept booking dates and canceling and booking and canceling member during that time when it was just chaos. We didn't want to just surrender to what the fuck was happening, but a lot of clubs wanted us to book knowing we were going to have to cancel just so they could get some income and that they weren't going to refund. They were just going to give you a credit.
So I paid money to see Joe Rogan knowing he was going to be all right and then to go just to keep the lights on, knowing the shows never going to happen.
And then you get a credit to my club.
Well, when Joe Gleib had what had become a president, we would have been bailed out of all of the clubs. Like you say, President Gleib had become a president out of touch. You are with politics, just like how many of the female comics doing holiday eventually have become president. It's just so weird because a lot of these clips are barely functioning without a pandemic.
Oh, yeah, like glass factory and like maybe some of the smaller outside clubs like ha ha or ice house.
Why comedy can actually close in Boston all those years back while they opened up the Wilbur Theatre. Oh, it's the same. Yeah. When Bill Blumen Wright started doing shows the Wilbur the Wilbur is like what. Twelve hundred thirteen hundred people. So we started getting literally like a good headliner who would sell out Faneuil Hall, which is like 500 people or 400 people.
You could actually with his mailing list and the fact that comedy so popular in Boston, he could sell out the Wilbur.
I just remember like the Comedy Store was my favorite room in the world. Yeah, it's the best.
The comedy connection, that room, the Faneuil Hall once, the way that it was wide, it was shallow and kind of wide with low ceilings.
Yeah. I used to get Ari shiftier so hard that he couldn't remember what he talked about and then I'd send him on stage and he was like them to show me. No, no, no, it's fine.
I go, I go. I shouldn't get too high. I go, dude, you can't get fired. You literally can't get fat.
You work for me. Go have fun, man. Let's just go go drag your friends.
I was later. Yeah. That was not a part of that.
Ari came to my house like a year ago and was like, I need to talk to you. And I was like, oh shit, that's probably not going to go well, but this is a prank waiting to happen. I get dosed or something. And he came over and took me on a hike and he was like, basically like, this is an intervention.
You need to go get lost somewhere. Like I want you to go to Peru for two months without a cell phone or something. And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind.
And he goes, but keep tweeting. Controversial thing, but he's a rapist. Yeah. Yeah. You need to up Twitter. Oh, me. No, but and then the fucking pandemic happened. I was like, I should have fucking done that. Yeah. But then I'm stuck in Thailand or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure that's true. A lot of people got stuck in other countries.
Lost in your fucking field. You have.
He had, he said it because he did it himself and he had great benefits doing it and he's right on a lot just because he was off Twitter for a couple of months. That too. But there's a real benefit for that.
Yeah, I want to do it. You know, one of the things that one of the first comments so that when I posted that book, he was like, I'll accept your apology.
I saw that. Are you going to change your cell phone habits now that you already have? Well, you know, that I put on my phone because of you, I have a folder called Addict at the very end of my social media, but now I just scroll seven times to get to it.
If you know what I do when I'm healthy, I delete all of the the apps. So then you have to re download them and it's just this extra step that's annoying. However, I normalize the extra step that, you know what I realized I just kept.
I would pick my phone up and I would just tap like I'm so addicted to just happen.
I would start dialing.
Someone was telling me this is a real doctor. Kuperman said that people, when they come out of surgery, the first thing they do when they come out of anesthesia is they grab their genitals.
It's just like a subconscious. Make sure it's still there. Yes, Jesus. But now they reach for their phone.
Oh, my God. It's better than you do. Wow. It's a it's going to be a part of your body. It's just a matter of time. We're so attached to those God damn things. If Elon Musk really falls through with this neurotic thing and they cut a hole in people's head the size of a quarter and stick a bunch of wires into your brain, which is literally what he said they were going to do, and you have some Bluetooth enabled like people, were it about vaccines, like a loon.
But here's the thing. What he was saying is it's going to be a massive advantage for people that have it. You're going to have much more access to information, bandwidth in which you process information to be much thicker and wider.
You're going to be able to remember her thoughts. Oh, my God. Some person twice one day. But you know what it is? It's like we're because there's three of us. We all have shit to say. Like you said, everyone always thinks people on Adderall or Coke on your show because it's like an exciting irony because you have three hours. Slow down. It's fine. I know, but it gets you the energy. Like we're having a fun conversation is like I got something to say.
Like you don't know when you jump in, like Pommies, they get to the Mankoff.
So probably let me do my Joey Diaz impression. Hey, Joe Rogan.
I like you, Joe Rogan. So if today someone said we can schools can open up, clubs can open up, venues can open up, we can go back to normal if you wear this bracelet.
That tells me where you are at all times, where you were last night and who you hung out with. This is the problem with it. The same problem of shutting down the Tic-Tac house is because you shut down a house that has two hundred people.
What if it gets down to five?
What if they tell you you have to split your family up? What if you have 10 people in your house? You can't have more than 10. What if you have 12? Grandma comes over, can't come over. Who the fuck are they to tell you you can't have a party? You have mismanaged this crisis so horribly that every step of the way and not just the city and not just the state, the federal government and of course, the people that were releasing the information from Wuhan.
That's the that's the big step because they're the ones who fucked it up because there was a lot of legit doctors and scientists that were in Wuhan, Chinese doctors that were trying to get the word out and they were silenced. And the main one, the first one that did it, actually wind up dying from the fucking crazy. It's crazy. Crazy, right? So that's that's the biggest fuckup. But there's fuck ups every step of the way. In one of the biggest fuck ups it's happening right now is these people being in a position of power and telling people that they can't work, telling people they can't do things.
But you can protest. You saw the government shutdown. Right.
But I did see that Tim dillema supposed to the governors in Long Island, the comedy club. You can't have a person just because they win a popularity contest, make new rules. You can't give them the power to make new rules because everybody becomes a fucking tyrant. And that's what they're doing. All they're doing is to protect people. You tell me how many fucking hospital beds you have. You tell me what the death rate. Yes. And then you tell me why this is the only state in the country that can that can't open a beauty salon.
The beauty salons can't be open right now. Only California, they're crazy. This is it's a crazy state.
And they open them for a second and then took it away with your tooth. This maybe it's because we don't pay in taxes. That's exactly Jesus Christ or the Uber shit. I never see a tipping point. This is how people are going to wake the fuck up. No, it's fine. Just you don't say it on a podcast. Nobody knows. Let's just say let's just say on paper, man, Wesley Snipes have a lot. And do they don't fuck around.
They find, you know, I'm having my I'm not talking about this, actually.
Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
But this the state is just they're terrible at it. And did the fact that they can shut down these tick talkers, we should be nervous, not because these doctors are geniuses, but it's because who the fuck are you to say you can shut the power off?
Wow. You can shut someone's power off.
What a slippery slope they're taking. They're going to use their phone like your phone's going to die and then you're back.
They're shutting the lights off in the house doing they're cutting off the water. But if you do that, you're saying that you have the ability to shut off essential things that keep people alive, water and power. And you're saying that you have the ability to tell them how they can live in this house.
And there's no real law that says you can limit the amount of people that can go to a party.
I don't think there is.
I'll tell you where this does not happen. Texas. No, my mom is from Texas. Yeah. You do not have to tell people from Texas what to fucking do except don't smoke weed.
Yeah, except weed. What do you do about that? We'll figure it out.
I'm going to have the occupancy laws and shit like that, like the amount of people that can be put in place. But you can't change them, can you? Can you make it a house. Like if a house is normally has a party like Daniels Aryan's place, if you're in college and you have too many people at your house, they'll come and shut it down.
Right. But that's the cops and that's not your house.
That's that's a shame. We don't own the house either. The private renting it. They have ten million dollars to buy those houses.
If the people who own the house have some sort of a regulation, maybe I could see it. But if you like, Daniels area didn't own that house either. And the whole thing about that house would piss off the neighbors was because he would just bus in people and they'd fill that place up and DJs and marshmallows there and shit, everyone's going crazy, but they didn't shut his power off. So they're set. They're saying they have the ability to show your power water off because during the pandemic they can limit the amount of people in your house.
So that's a new rule because if they were having these occupancy laws, Daniels, Erin, would have gotten shut down. That's right. They're doing it because they're saying you could spread covid this way and it's irresponsible. The problem is the way that they're doing something new, you're shutting power off on someone's house.
That doesn't listen. There's shutting power off on someone who's having a party who doesn't obey.
But they have and they're doing it for press to kind of let people know what's this is like a threat.
And this is the same fucking guy that offered rewards for people who turn folks in.
Remember, the whole thing, just get stitches.
And now snitches get rewards if social justice sing a piece of chocolate. And that was for small parties. Let's remember, that was for people having fucking barbecues.
This shit is slippery. Do you think I'm going to get because I'm starting a standup show in my backyard just for comics, we're going to do testing like what Chappelle is doing in Ohio. I'm going to do in my backyard because it's just getting crazy. Am I going to shut down?
I don't know. But you're going to let everybody know where you live? No, I'm sure it's going to be it's basically going to be like a bring her show to me like comic bring like two friends that you trust. And so, guys, if you join my Patriota. A rifle and shoot some shall we might try to shoot some stuff like why not? Why not?
I just wonder what is the law like? See if we can find out, like there's any written thing. How many people can I have? I don't know.
Yeah, like, what is the law now in L.A. if these tick talkers have too many people, but they is a lot.
I'm going to have like five comics and because when I started I think you should just be arrested. If that's a law, I think you should be fined or something. You think you should be able to shut someone's fucking power, rather you just fine.
Me? Great. All right. Bye. Yeah.
If like if these tick tock is like, hey, you guys are violating the law. So here's a fine of two hundred dollars. Yeah. This one. Things make sense if you're finding someone for like if you're, if you parked in the wrong place you can get fined. But there's a thing that they're doing that's weird. They're shutting power off when it's on loud or unruly gatherings known as the party house audience hate Danville's oriented. Ever work on you officially took place August fifteen, twenty, eighteen.
They never use it on him. The ordinance claims to curb repeat offenders of out-of-control parties of residential neighborhoods with escalating fines and new enforcement from Los Angeles Police Department.
I don't think this is twenty eighteen. Is that like a blanket statement?
Don't think that's connected to cocktails. These are all twenty. We will stand a heat wave.
It was one hundred and seven. You can't cut off someone's electricity in a hundred and seven. Exactly, exactly. Wild.
And we're all we're assuming they're kids and they're either OK here. Property owners who skirt building and safety rules or city law such as Los Angeles party house ordinance was the same law, right. Are in violation of covid-19 public health orders in the city's party house ordinance, which becomes the law in twenty eighteen. They're talking about that law. And it said it wasn't clear whether Garcetti announcement was related to that motion. Hmm. OK, or what it feels like it's just a little ad hoc.
It's still exactly. They're making up as they go along. It's still sneaky. I like the proposal. Penalties for large gatherings could include water and power. Shut off, huh?
Permit prohibitions and having a certificate of hopkins' occupancy held or revoked, revoked for large, close contact, largely Maskell's gatherings in violation of city emergency orders and county health order. So the city emergency in the county health order, they make an order saying you can't have a large gathering and if you do, they're going to do a new thing, which is shut your water and power off. Now, when do they never do that?
Unless you're a fugitive, you have to have like a gun in pointing it out the window.
It's like we're always at risk of fires and now you're making people use candles like that and say, yeah, I've seen what I've seen these kids, they don't shower anyway, so punish them. That's a slippery thing. Yeah, well, it's a God complex.
I think it's stupid that these kids want to have these parties. And we were talking about Dr. Malc and all these people that came to him that got sick from one of these parties. You can get sick for sure.
And there's probably you know, it's a high likelihood that people are going to die if they keep getting sick and they infect someone, you know, out of you know, it's like zero.
It's point zero. Four percent of people who catch covid die. That's what the current standings are. So it could lead to a death or two. It is possible. But I just I just don't think you should allow people to do that.
Do you see how the Steve Bannon was busted by the Mail? Did you the mail could make arrests. The Daily Mail. The Mail, like the mail.
It was the Postal Service. They like a postal service, please.
That's who arrested Bannon. Yeah, those girls are talking about politics. I have to pee so bad. Can you guys keep going up?
OK, we're going to keep going. We look at this post some I want to sell my this arrested Steve Bannon. Is that cool? Let's read it.
Look at his face. I'm going to be the guy he looks like Javier Bardem.
I'm going to be Joseph Rogan. The US Postal Service is out to deliver justice against former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon. It may not come as a shock that Bannon often described as a grifter, was allegedly caught up in a scheme to defraud donors.
Griffin Moon. Yeah, they have fucking police. Isn't that crazy? I hate when they take tweets from this drives me nuts. When journalists take tweets from people, I don't know who fucking this person is. And then they post their tweet as if it's real journalism.
That's not journalism. And look, they only have three hundred and twenty two likes on the tweet. It's not even a population. They're part and parcel of an elite police unit known as the US Postal Inspection Service USPS, which has been fighting crime since the mail fraud.
Probably you and your tax fraud, you're going to meet these people soon. You're going to know these people any minute.
There's twelve hundred postal inspectors who carry weapons, make arrests, execute federal search warrants and serve subpoenas. They've even inspired a CBS series.
The inspectors haven't heard of it like it was that inspiring.
They made five thousand seven hundred fifty nine arrests. Can you imagine since puts your hands 1872, that's all. That's very serious. Have you ever been arrested?
No, I got like, you know, when I was in high school, we were bad, but I never got arrested. I got, like, the ones we took a three foot bong out into the alleyway to smoke, for some reason, a high school. And then obviously, the neighbors were like, the kids are smoking a giant bong in the things that the cops came and we were so high we were like trying to hide behind the bar, like, so tragic.
But my one friend who had the weed on him got arrested, but I got arrested.
But do you still smoke weed out of bongs or just do joints?
Sometimes. I mean, I don't really smoke that much weed anymore.
I started again and now I'm remembering why don't the old early on that I can't remember my phone number when I want to be as alert as possible.
I like to be able to pay attention and chime in and stuff. But yeah, I'll smoke out of a bong.
Something I think I was my throat was getting really fucked up from the vapes.
Yeah. Oh I don't. Yeah I don't, I don't like vaping. I don't think it gets me high enough.
Remember when we thought vapes were like healthier than cigarettes. Are they. Remember when we were like feebs are healthy. Oh you're showing my Patreon.
It's a big factor. Just so bong picture I but I was I look up when you say. Huh? What? She asked if she smuggled up a bong. I'll show you. I did have a three smoke weed and I want to tell you I had a three foot. I mean, I'm a little bit interested. I do like attention. Oh, I like attention.
But I also like working with David Blaine. The bar is high. What were we just talking about?
I caught whatever you had a service. And the Postal Service can arrest people. There's twelve hundred people that can arrest people. They carry weapons.
And they arrested him for fraud as a precedent for fraud, for raising money for the private border wall right now.
Wild, wild. What does that kill, Cliff?
Oh, does this give you a little buzz at all or.
No. Just good for like and stuff. Yeah.
25 milligrams you mean. Wow. I'm trying to find this picture. I wish I had a three foot bong for a second and for Mother's Day one year I dressed it up like like it was a boy. I put a hat on it and I was like sending my son to school. I put a little backpack on him.
This is delicious. Good stuff, right. Kloof, do you think that Instagram is going to be replaced by Real's? Well, Instagram.
But I mean, it's like at one point because now your algorithm, like, you have to get a certain number of likes and comments in order to get an algorithm at all. Right.
Which is harder. And is real's like more. It's like a tick tock. It's running to its Instagram. Just Robbs. It's great. Like what to do with Snapchat, to Instagram, did stories when Snapchat, you know, kind of went away. Right. Even started on the rails. Yeah. But I'm excited. I love having this outlet, especially during this time where we can't do stand up.
I love I love Instagram and a lot of comics just like promote or don't or they put their dog in there to read. And so they're listening to what I love that I like when you see a movie comedians and make them says that. But I really love making jokes on it. It's like my favorite. Yeah.
It's a great place to do it. It's a fun way to just you post a picture and say something funny. It's a little writing exercise.
It's also like like journalists are so fucking lazy now like news is just Jennifer Lopez posted this thing on Instagram. They just take all their news and all their photos from Instagram.
Now, you know, my stories get written just from shit we say on this podcast.
Just so the story, it's crazy. Well, I'll see you. And like the Internet, like Twitter will be. You posted a picture with me and Owen Smith, I believe. And it was like one of the days you said one thing, I don't even remember what it was, but the Internet had blown and I could tell because I was tagged in the picture of you. So all these people were commenting and I saw you later and it was not a different day for you in any way.
If you were in fact, you were I was like, I wonder if you like, because it was just like boom, boom, boom. I was getting all these notifications. I was just so funny that you didn't even was probably and I didn't like video games or something. Did you?
I feel like you got I mean, it was like I feel like two years ago you got like super famous, like super, super, super famous.
Did it feel like it was like two years ago you were so famous.
I don't know what happened. You're always famous. You were famous, but then you became a religion.
Yeah, I think it's a cumulative thing.
If you just keep moving, you keep putting out podcasts and people more and more people listen to them and then too many people are listening to you.
Yeah, right. And then it becomes this thing.
Yeah. And then it's like every word you say is like, but if you have a response. So I'm a fucking moron, which is a terrible thing. Like if people are getting advice from me. Yeah. I don't even take my own advice a lot of times. Don't listen to. But that's why you're fun.
To listen to and talk to is because you're like humble and you're willing to entertain ideas and aren't yours and you're asking the right questions.
I think it's so important that we're talking about before they don't get married to your ideas. I've been married to my ideas before it's grown.
Yeah, it's gross because then you defend them and you laugh. Right.
And you manipulate your words to try to make it seem like you're right when you're not right in that I think it was in that that same book we've brought up so many times, you get dopamine when your bias is a confirmation bias, when someone agrees with a wrong idea that you say you get dopamine.
I used to enjoy winning like arguments like that.
And now I want to I like honestly, like when I have someone on the podcast saying something really ridiculous that I know is horseshit, that I'm like, OK, this is my opportunity to just exercise this thing. And I want I will just speak nice and slow and like, why do you think that? Like what? What is it? What's going on?
Like, tell me how you make and what about this. And I'll give them opposing ideas, but I won't be married to him. I'll say, well that doesn't make any sense because this. Yeah but I'm not saying in a mean way. I'm like I'm trying to, I try, I like when someone's like especially someone say something that they don't even really think through. They just this is like a predetermined pattern of behavior, a conglomeration of ideas that I've adopted as this ideology.
And I'm going to push this forward no matter what. And those people are fascinating because when you talk to them, they are fucking married to those ideas.
They don't even know them. They can marry the stranger whenever get married to strangers.
And you're arguing with them about some shit. They haven't thought through it all. And they and they are I've I've had people fall apart. And it's so fascinating because, look, I've been wrong a thousand times on this fucking party. Or more, but when there's a moment, if I know I'm wrong, I'll be like, OK, that's not right. And that's the specific podcast today, all the time, everything you've said.
But, yeah, you are able to change your mind after getting new information. A lot of people just this isn't science like that.
You're trying to prove yourself wrong. You're trying to like, yeah, it's HECO. But even in science, it's a real issue. When people come up with new scientific discoveries that other scientists didn't recognize, there's a lot of fucking blowback. A lot of people get angry, scientists get pissy, they get really egotistical. And it's super, super disheartening when you take all of your information from, like archaeologist's. But then one archaeologist will find some new discoveries that predate civilization.
Like I've seen it with Graham Hancock. I've seen it with Graham Hancock. I've seen it with Robert Shock because his geologist from Boston University, he was talking to this archaeologist about these geological findings that that show water erosion and the outside of the Sphinx that could have only taken place at 9000 B.C., which would predate all that Egyptian construction like way earlier than they thought it was. And this guy is mocking him and laughing at a scientist instead of going, fascinating, because this is his field.
He's a fucking geologist, OK? And he's saying these water marks can only be created by erosion. This is water erosion. This is not wind and sand. This is water. He's saying, I'm a geologist. I have sent these images, this cropped images to other geologists. They've agreed with me.
This guy is just mocking them. I'm like, oh, my God, it's ego. Yeah. He doesn't want to think that he's been teaching and writing books all these years about how old the Sphinx is, how old the pyramids are. And he's been wrong and he doesn't want to hit you like. Oh no. So it exists in everything, even in the people that we rely on the most for information. They're married to their ideas. He should have been fascinated.
She she'd be like, wow, well, have to revise my book right now. You get a new book, dude. Yeah. Then you get this crazy new discovery that, oh, look at it looks like there's many areas of construction because if you go deep, deep, deep into the sand, there's an older era. Yeah. And it's a very distinctive area. They built things differently then and then this area does do it this way. Yeah.
They can get it narrowed down to these epochs. It's fucking fascinating. But meanwhile, this guy's ego wouldn't let him see it.
And you watch and, you know, wow, what what civilization was from fourteen thousand years.
Well, they've since then, they've found them.
They found actual civilization like go back Tapi. That's one hundred percent more than twelve thousand years old. One hundred percent without a doubt was filled in twelve thousand years ago. So the guy was wrong. But meanwhile his ideas were his. He clutched them like a baby was protecting from a storm. Yeah.
There's so much of that in medicine, especially when there's new solutions and shit.
You know, like I was reading about the board certification for veterinarians. A lot of these veterinarians have to learn wrong information to pass this test to get board certified, know a lot of it.
That's already been debunked because it's like older veterinarians, something that was true thirty years ago now has been debunked. And they have to, like, learn all this archaic shit just to pass this arbitrary test. Well, remember the food chain.
Remember, this is cancer. This is to eat five servings of bread a day, eight potatoes. That pyramid right on top. There was a fish. It was like one piece of fish. That's right. And then one little piece of steak.
The fact that we used to think that shit was good for us.
Well, that's one wonder bread, cream cheese and and beef and didn't eat dinner. You know, this is the thing people always like. This is Atkins fell on the ice and broke his head well, because he was off balance from all that cream cheese, broke in the wrong.
I remember I was talking when I was a kid. The healthiest thing you could eat was like a blueberry muffin.
I know you little fat and blueberry muffin.
I've been eating a lot of blueberry muffins and they really do make you look like a blueberry.
Yeah, I like her body and no know, I like my the amazing, but it looks good at all. It's so it's hard to lose weight.
But you also look like you're like fucking strong as shit. I look fertile. You're like yeah. You look like a fucking opposite of Baron.
Yeah. Yeah. But the truth is now I like to work out hard liquor. I do. I like to work out a lot. Yeah I do enjoy working out.
Does that, was that ever a thing that helped you and you're getting over booze is an exercise. Yeah.
I started doing yoga because I was very detached to my femininity. Obviously you got into this job. My family, my mom is like my mom's very like sports.
She can't use the word I want to say. But, you know, she says she was always very like, let's just play sports, no dolls, all this stuff. So I had no attachment to and then with yoga, I kind of got really like girly and know. And it helped me in the just the body weight stuff really helped. Yeah. But now and I like doing jujitsu, but I'm not fucking going to get through the shit in each other's mouths.
Well, you were doing a Nogi too, which is, you know, you're in like fucking life. Yeah. Yeah. No it's really it was so it's so sweaty and so gross. I know you can contract it through ball sweat. I know. For sure. But it does improve your immune system. That's what's interesting fun, though, it was the most fun. It's the most fun exercise. You're doing math problems on people's bodies. It's incredible.
That is what it's like. It's so cool. But you know what I wanted to ask you?
I can't get weights anywhere. They don't sell weights anymore. I know it's hard.
What do you can you get that? They're sold out of weights, is in quarantine. So everyone try to get in shape and then that's it because no gyms are open.
That's the other thing in California. All these gyms, how many gyms are going to do?
Did you see those ridiculous of those pods where they had like people were surrounded?
Like, that's working out. So unzip. I'll get some weights. Yeah. Did you tell me what I am doing? You know better than me, OK? Our gyms aren't going to be the same.
Well, no, no. I think this is first of all, it's going to. Yeah maybe. But like three years from now it's going to take a while for people to get over this, but also the online stuff.
I think that everything, a lot of things can exist online. And it sucks because it's harder with willpower. I think like doing a yoga class on a resume is very tough.
And also for me, like, I like taking classes because I get competitive if I want to meet the person next to me. It's just part of my motivation, whether it's healthy or not, you know, or like the instructor yelling at you or trying to impress somebody wherever the fuck you know.
Yeah. Yeah. That's why you're not going to get that from ZOM. It's definitely it's like some comedy. Right, right. Like Mark Norman said, it was like methadone.
Comedy is the real thing. It's also it's like we have worked our whole lives to get precise timing and like a two second delay changes fucking everything.
You know, it's like, you know, second by second, like, yeah, I was doing comedy out of the window at the shore and it was like you couldn't have it at the same time. And they ended up not being able to do it because of regulation and stuff. But yeah, they had to have a ten second delay and it was brutal.
I was doing like a podcast with Eleanor Kerrigan and my fucking angel and we were like joking and stuff. But that delay. So I would say something that I was like, this is going to fucking right.
And she'd be talking, I'd be half listening to and looking at waiting ten seconds like one Mississippi. And then I'd look and it would bomb and like, fuck, it wasn't good. Like watching.
It's amazing how we're so conditioned to have that immediate gratification then like clap and then just even on Zun, like doing like talk shows or zoom podcast, which I really do not like doing just that, that one second fucks up the flow in the camera.
It's also there's an energy that people have when they're in the room. That's right. Like that's one of the things that comedy does that people don't talk about. It's like a hypnosis thing going on.
There's a sharing of energy, the laughs or you're physically feeling them. You know, it's a symbiotic relationship. It's like we do need each other.
And also the energy that the audience gets from each other, being shoulder to shoulder with another person that contagious. And also like, yeah, the home court advantage of you're in my fucking house now. You're in your bed snuggled that cozy.
It's like trying to explain the other options, by the way, where you could be looking at something else at any time.
I try to explain to non. I said, if you watch a comedy special like someone's comedy special, that's maybe 70 percent is good. Oh, yes, very rarely translates. First of all, it's tough because filming specials are kind of tense. So you're not loose and when you're loose, you're funny. So it's hard for people to be loose. And then it's also weird because that the fucking not being in the room thing is like thirty or forty percent.
It's like this feeling that you get when you're there, when you to see someone leave you there, you're having fun.
It's happening. It's right now. Hi. Yeah, it's right there.
But when you watch it at home, you just sitting back and you're, you're, you're alone.
I sort of cut out a lot of applause breaks and stuff on specials because at home she cuts down because I love standing ovations.
Just got hey, you know what I just mean, like when they're there, they're going to have a little longer at home. They're like, now move on. You know what I mean?
You don't want to hear that. Like, have them have to hear other people laugh.
I always had some in you know, I'm always like that is weird because I have heard that. Did you ever see people adding Maria but don't have tried? Maria Bamford did a special for her, just her parents in her living room.
So if we could start shooting specials for small crowds, she's hilarious. She's so funny. That sounds like something she would do. She's very funny. She did standup just for her parents on the couch in their living room. So funny.
I like what I like uniquely herself person. She is. It's just my favorite thing in people.
Everybody tried covid comedy a while ago. Remember when wus the comics name that put that special out on HBO with no audience at all.
Oh Michael. Oh yeah. Rod directed it. Oh man. I know. What's up. Michael Drew. Michael Drew.
Michael. Yeah. Drew Michael did a special with no audience.
I mean like it was weird, it was weird but it was like he took a swing. I always appreciate his swing. I always appreciate why me.
Because it's a different thing. Right. There used to be like live performances that weren't really stand up like.
Do you remember Eric Bogosian? Yes. Yeah. He used to do these live performances that. Were they were not really stand up, there were these things, you know, there were these stories you would tell, right?
Yeah, I remember that, yeah, I remember that. You remember there's this guy, Josh Fattal. Did you ever know him? Yes. His cell phone. Is this what Larry would do?
Crazy shit like he would go on stage and just like run in place. And it was like so weird. It's like not funny. And then he would just like keep doing it and like, people start walking out and he was just like, keep running in place.
And then by three minutes in, you're dying laughing and you have no idea why you can't do a thing where he like accidentally fucks up the mic and it falls apart and he's like, oh, but it's so funny. It's like tangled up in it. And it's like you want to hate honestly, like I was like a comic, like I'm looking at your face, you want to.
But it's so like it's charmingly funny.
It's just some weird like thought exercise or inside or something. Reggie, what's to like the best way to make sounds funny. Do you know what I mean.
Like Reggie can do so many different things. Right.
The thing about Reggie, he's like Josh Adams big moment was the second time I think there was a shooting at a fucking comedy club. I've never seen you could even see him. What kind of lights are they? Josh, you had a shot and Jamie really blew it for that. And Mitzi, shore sex dungeon. What was that?
The darkness of the stage is confusing to not want the comedian.
Did you like how dark the main room got? Do you hear what I'm talking about when they just the week before. Yeah.
Then they put those like lights up. Those like crazy led lights. Yeah. I think I like it.
I was getting used to it. I looked at the pictures, looked beautiful that it was taking.
When do you guys think it comes back. Well, yes.
And like everything we're talking about, I had booked the La Hoya Comedy Store for two weeks, shut down. Um, I think it's going to be six months to a year for you.
I just moved my tour to fall twenty twenty one theaters. Who if someone can figure out the ventilation system, if there's some I don't know why this we're not figuring this out.
Well if someone comes up with a rapid test that's going to fix everything, that's yeah. That's rapid test. You test someone as they're walking in its long ass line line is going to take a lot longer than it will normally. But upholding rooms. Right.
It would be amazing. You could have you would completely get rid of the virus if you could do it. Like, how long is it going to take for our emotional trauma to heal of like remember the days when you would just be in a comedy club and a waitress in the dark would hand you a drink with a straw and you just put it right, everything's going to be different.
Our whole earth is going to be different. I mean, imagine just taking a drink from a girl at a bar and putting it in your mouth for what she was saying, that we're not going to be able to shake hands anymore.
We're not going to be able to date rape drug people anymore. It's like so upsetting.
You can't put me on the drug anymore.
I mean, it's like what does this doing to our our brains just in terms of making us go closer and closer to virtual reality? Yeah, for sure. Don't you think it's like an ego death?
I feel like we've all been forced into this epic dose of mushrooms that we didn't mean to take. And it's like everyone has to face their mortality, which I think is all we're doing all day anyway. Yeah, but it's now it's like, oh, we're watching death. There's the death of our of being entertained. There's a death of going out. There's the death of meeting people, the death of shaking hands, the death of actual people.
And I think it was Tim Dell and I were talking about how like 9/11, everyone's like comparing this to 9/11 in some ways and the fact that it's just like a trauma. But 9/11 brought us together, you know, was like there was this like, let's go out till 2:00 in the morning.
They're not going to fucking win. And everyone was instantly friends with each other and now everyone's instant enemies with each other.
I walk down the street and look, where the fuck would you put your mask? The master so funny.
People are so crazy. It's crazy. No fault is fuck you.
It's like outside in the sun, like, hey, man, it's not even possible. You don't even know what this is. There is a guy I went to Venice Beach and there was a guy in a wheelchair who and I used to work with kids especially. So I always like to make eye contact, say hello to people in wheelchairs. The one sentence that makes you the most likeable.
Oh, I was a special and whatever. No big deal. I'm a hero. I gave it up to tell Dick jokes, to do God's work. But so I always like to acknowledge because there are such people don't want to be rude. I want to stare. And then they're never looked at. They're never talked about. That's why I'm always like do jokes about people like do like do ever make them a part of things are equal you'll joke about.
Of course. Yeah. It's like there's no punching down, like shut the fuck up. But so, so I was like I was doing my little like aren't I a good citizen.
Like I contacted this guy who goes by I fucking Mascotte and I'm like, oh yeah. And it was because I gave him the icon.
It was so funny. I was like I was it was one of my vlog days, my new vlog only I patrón and but and it was like I just turned the thing off because I didn't want to focus on I don't want to be like I'm videotaping a guy in a wheelchair, but I've literally been the funniest thing that's ever had. It's amazing. That is the most offensive word.
But if someone calls me a cunt, I think it might be so funny. Like we need a new works of a guy called me and like, I'll start laughing. So weird enough women, though, there's not enough unity. We need herd immunity. We've got. Because like the about a guy called your gut, like it was so funny to me, that's what we're saying, that like someone said, can both of us be.
It's such a good word.
It's so good. It's short. It's cutting. It's got a T in the end of it. Yeah. I still like bitch. Bitch is still pretty good for me. If someone calls me bitch.
Damn bitch is softer than cunt though. Yeah. For sure. As a sound.
The thing is like the thing about cunt is the city that is Charlotte's razor sharp calling guy is always like oh yeah, he's such a cunt.
Like I use it like a percent of the time for men. Yeah man. Yeah I call the men cunts. Yeah.
But if a guy calls me a bitch there's something so 90s about it, there's something so retro about it. You know, you go to England in Australia though they toss it around like a beach ball.
That's what's weird. And a bitch is their cunt, right.
I don't know what is their cunt. Fania's they don't say they don't use it that much for girls, though. They use it for each other. Yeah, it's a term of endearment. Yeah. It's a jokey term.
Like can't it's a fucker like they. Hey man, what's up cunt. He's a good like he's a good. That's a normal thing for them to say.
So it feels like they're you fucking cunt.
They come over here and they, you know, they realize that oh Jesus, I got to remap my, my language. Yeah. Because cunt is like a different thing over here.
It's dangerous. The one that gets me is fuckface.
One that gets me. I can I swear is one but I can't think of a place you can get away with too. And it's got it. But it's got so much power fuckface.
That to me is when other women call me hooker or whore when a girl's like Hey whore, I'm like Jesus that always disorganize just me. What if it's your friend? So it's like, Hey hooker, hey slut girls.
Girls are doing that for what they're calling a hooker slut. Like someone is like, wow, you are a fucking slut.
Yeah, but you got to be funny if you were saying guys can't call us this, but I wonder you don't want any more clothes or legs. You been here the whole time. Can you see. Are you being a boy. I like these chairs I think are like ergonomic chairs I think to give birth in or something.
I don't know what's happening. I feel like they're really good for you back. This is what's happening.
Chairs are the best. Yeah, I feel like I get out of here and my posture's always like so much.
So I think we came to a serious conclusion that you guys need your own show, like legitimate.
What are we going to do here? I think you legitimately need to do it.
Can we have the sonoita too, and everything that we have and what we're going to do, what are we're going to take calls or give advice or I say, yeah, maybe I'm a bond with someone calls and we try to move on to them and we just need like a neon sign behind you.
I don't kind of says any fucking Letterman's so bad behind me and my podcast. I want to so about it, we can put it on a Letterman podcast if I don't want to make you famous.
If anybody wants to buy me that, me pay for my eggs frozen, I will. I have a million dollars.
I'll I'll pay to freeze your eggs or you can have my 20 grand. Wow. That's pretty cheap then. Yeah.
That's up to you to freeze. So cool. So yeah I've thought about it. I thought it was like you really.
It's a boy, you can name it and if it's a girl you can say OK, all right, I'm going to name it Butch.
But the girl it will be, I'm going to name it. It has a little frozen and his little frozen cousins. That should be special. Oh like I do a special about get your eggs frozen deep. Do you want kids maybe.
Yeah, you should have a kid. Maybe. I feel like I'd be a really I think I went through so much. I think I'd be a really good mom. My my nieces are like my fuckin favorite. My nephews too. I love them so much I want to say. But I talk to my nieces nephews every day. Yeah. I love them. Yeah. My niece is eight. We've been we just started becoming pen pals. Yeah.
I've liked video ever made.
It came so good.
And now that the mail is going to be canceled they don't. I know just when we began but my little niece is four. She oh my oh my God. My eight year old sent me, I gave her a snow globe of Hollywood and I was like, whenever you miss me there in Boston, I'm like, whatever you miss me, just think about. And so she sent me. It was four years ago. I sent it to her and she sent me a picture of the snow globe.
She goes, I think about you all the time and I miss you so much. It's like I'm going to get this rapid tests. There is there is something that happens like that biological clock. It's real. I look at babies and I'm like, I want to fucking put that baby in my mouth.
I also look at that's sorry, not in this climate. I mean, I don't I just feel like I have like, a compulsion for when I squeeze, I just want to squeeze them.
Yes. I just I don't want to miss out on, like, the experience, like we are on this earth to have kids. Yeah. I don't it doesn't look that fun to me.
Women's only purpose is to bear children. And, you know, that's what it does.
It doesn't look that, you know, my friends seem very happy and tired, but it does seem like a lot. And but I just when I look at my house, I have two brothers. My twin brother is two girls and my older brothers, two boys. I'll have a hermaphrodite, but. It's like a perfect like it's just like they're so perfect. I know I see other people's kids. I'm like I said, yeah, I love them.
Yeah, I just I want school to be back. I think I really did.
I think I think it took away a lot of fun. You bet.
My mom I do have a compulsion to adopt though. I don't know.
It's I rescue animals so much that it's sort of is like and they're kind of like getting your kids from a breeder, getting your kid from a breeder breed. They adopt a kid, too.
When did you see that? See that the singer adopted like 18 and 19 year old two black guys like she adopted.
I don't know how you adopt a grown man. She just did. I thought I didn't know you could adopt people that were over 18.
Maybe they got some weird thing they're doing if they're not the way you see, she's like 40 something. I think every guy you've ever dated has based a little bit on adoption.
You pay for them. You take my man like I like my dog. How many comedians do you think you've dated?
Like three, huh?
Isn't it weird that I haven't made any comedians? Not smart? No, thank you. I honestly and I think I'm done with like I'm like I think I went through all the ones I did one ever when I was my car.
And I was like, oh, she's like me. But it is fun.
We can't do this. It's constant. It is fun. It's really fun. It's just a little bit of a like whose bed is that as mine.
Like when you're in a fight I guess you could if you were, you were like if you like sort of workshopped a bit.
Yeah. Can I have that. Or if you take it I mean to tell people you raped me. Sorry. There's a weird relationship though when a woman comic in a male comic get together and then one of them is right in the other one's jokes you can tell and you're like, oh, that's her writing, right?
Yeah. Well, that's his right.
Yeah, I'm the worst because if I write a joke for someone where there are if I write a joke for someone and I'm in the back of the room and someone's like doing the bit and it gets the biggest laugh, obviously, because that really does happen because I'm so good.
But you're a great shock writer.
No, but I like I cannot help but go on like like I just snitches get stitches. I'm so sorry. Gavin Newsom, do I get money if I rat out that I wrote that joke.
Garcetti is the one who wants to give your city.
But have you ever dated a comedian? I think if I was dating comic and I saw them do poorly, I wouldn't be able to fuck them again.
I would be rough if I if I don't respect someone, I have a hard time.
Well, I wouldn't like. Yeah, you can't like openly did something you don't respect.
If you're dating a girl and she's a comic and she sucks. That is going to be rough too for a guy as well. Right. And then all of a sudden she gets real good shit that she passes you using your jokes.
I'll be rough. You I, I don't know.
It's a fun experience like I do remember that. But you can also do that. And just friendships with comics. Yeah. I just have something people I call about jokes. It's so fun.
But for me I had some Darwinian instinct to be like do not piss where you eat. Yeah. Like do not toxify this environment.
This is the only place you feel safe is the only place that's like why any of these guys, if they were like, damn me, I'm always like you. I think some girls don't feel like no one gets them but comics. And that's why you see Girl Comics wind up with male comics because like for a woman to be the funny one, I think a lot of guys that are intimidated by that, like if a guy was a regular guy with a regular job and he's dating a funny comic going on stage, murdering at the Comedy Store in the main room.
Yeah, like that.
But there's plenty of guys that don't feel that way.
So it's just like the ones we're all good. Wow. You really know how far off the ball goes. Joe pantomimed.
You do have to wear strap on. No, I just I think it's a different kind of person, but there's a lot of guys for sure. I mean, everybody's different, but there are a lot of guys who have a problem with the woman being the right one.
Well, also, you have to this happens a lot where a guy who has nothing to do with comedy is like really into you and you're like, oh, great, like a man. And then they see the character and then they go, oh, no, no, no, no. They've seen you do stand up and they're like into it. And then they go, you know, I always kind of wanted to get into comedy, but.
Get out of the car. I've had that happen so many times, I only wanted to get into comedy and establish or maybe to go back.
You know, Kurt, this because I used to always feel like if someone hit on me, they didn't think I was funny or something like they could be hitting on you because they like that you're funny.
But here's the difference between men and women right here and there, because if there was a guy and he's dating a girl and she's like, you know, I always thought about doing comedy, guys like you should be so stupid they wouldn't even realize the girls fuck it just because they would have no idea.
If you like guys do it. Yeah, as long as the guy the girl lets the guy fucker, he's going to do it again. I hope you're right, Joe. It's not even like saying I don't want you to be a comedian. It's just saying I don't want to date an open mike, like, cause you're going to start you're going to humiliate me by being the worst comedian in the world. Is the difference between men and women.
If a girl's hot, a guy will still fuck her, even if she's an open mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take her to the show. Yeah, you're some dude. He's like a headliner on the road. You're doing theater and you got this really pretty girlfriend also wants to be a comic. Yeah.
And I think I fuck myself a couple of times because I always felt like, OK, don't emasculate this guy, laugh at his jokes. So I would laugh at his jokes that weren't funny and then be like, well, if she thinks I'm funny, I must be hilarious. Then he want us to start doing standup on the spectrum. Do they have a lot of trouble?
Fake laughing I'm like my face is like I like look at that. I remember Tony once being like, I see what you're doing, you're not laughing. And I was like, Tony, it's just was like too funny in this moment. I just can't fake laugh. Yeah, Tony, not that Tony is not the fucking funny puns.
There's no no one has better puns. And Tony, over this quarantine. I've gotten so close with Tony, I, I get him. I love him. He's awesome. I accept his craziness.
Or I remember when Tony when Tony didn't he go vegan, isn't to vegan and then he started eating meat.
I remember when he was in bad shape, I remember when he was a door guy and he was like a mess. And I used to yell at him to stop smoking cigarettes.
He thought that being vegan was going to help him get past his health or something.
Well, he lost a lot of weight like it was, but he doesn't need to lose weight in God Tiny. He's got a crazy metabolism, like he can eat everything.
And just because just burns off, I'm like, yeah, he's going to be so happy. We're talking about him. He knows I love him, know him. And you know Mitch Burroughs's. He's a he's at the Comedy Store too. So funny. He's a door guy. He's so funny though. He's one of the guys that like that's his way into the Comedy Store.
We were talking about that and we were doing the documentary, too. It's one of the coolest things about the store is that everybody gets treated like a comic. The people, the people, the work, the cover booth. It doesn't matter if you're if you're a comic, your comment. Yeah.
And a lot of us like whether it's Dunkin or R.E. or some, these people started out as door people. So many guys, so many guys.
And I think the common denominator in the comics or comics is these are people that want it and are at all fucking cost. Like people like your comics are comic. That place is toxic. It's like you're throwing shit around like that. I spent from five p.m. to 2:00 in the morning every night for like four years.
Like, you know, it's sort of like the amount of time we put in.
It's not toxic. It's just it's not it's a wild place. And sometimes weird shit happens there. And sometimes, you know, it's annoying. And sometimes people bomb and sometimes people feel like they bomb because the person before them was too this or too that.
There's a lot look, it's a fucking dangerous place. Like I've had shitty sets. It's a nice nightclub. Like one of. Well, you remember when there was all of a sudden like a wave of white female comedians in the middle of Black Lives Matter going like, oh, we were victims of being treated badly by male comics. It was just like we don't want to put up our lives matter anymore. It's embarrassing.
It's making us uncomfortable. Women couldn't let black people. We're with this. We're the victims again. So so I one girl had written something where she was like, I you know, and I have to have male comics walk me to my car at the end of the night. It's like, OK, wait, so they're nice enough to walk. You're staying the night. It's not comedy that's dangerous. The nighttime is the darkness is dangerous. Clubs, nightclubs where people drink.
But I mean, I would have one. I want to be a woman. I would not want to be someone someone wants to fuck all the time.
And you're walking by personalities like I know what you of people rue the day they don't. You worry. We do a great job of rebelling that. I think it's harder. I think it's harder.
I mean, there's some aspects of being a man, I'm sure, that are probably more difficult. But I think overall, the physical vulnerability part is huge. Yeah, it's definitely huge in a confidence business. Right. Because the thing about stand up is a lot of it. It's a confidence. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I definitely started wanting to become a weapon. Like, I was like when I started doing digits and stuff, I was like, this is how it's supposed to be like. And I remember during the me too movement and stuff, I was always like, there's something missing here where it's like a conversation with young girls about like learning to be to stand up for ourselves and be strong. And it's not that you would get called victim shaming.
And it's like, no, it's about you have no control over the outside world. So protect. Yourself as much as you can. When I was a blackout drunk, I was literally I was my own bodyguard leaving to go to the bathroom for fucking six hours. And my body's just there. It's like you need like to me, it's like becoming the strongest I can be, whether I'm a woman or a man and like, being able to because two years ago was like, if I was a woman, I'd want to be the strongest woman in the world.
I was like, I just want to be high, like when I'm trying to get him. But now I get it. I got to that age where I went, Oh, yeah. Like, I want to be able to fuck people. They come at me.
And also I think it's like just getting your intuition on point. You know, it's like that Gavin de Becker book, That Gift of Fear. I read that and it changed my life because it was like I think when you're told for so long, I think the part that gets tricky is that insidious, like people telling you you're crazy, you're psycho, you're too emotional, you're too sensitive, like, calm down, relax. Hearing that for so long, my programming was the most fucked up thing, because when I did actually feel someone being dangerous, I would override my intuition.
But I'm just being dramatic and just being crazy or I would accuse this person of something. But I got into trouble in that book.
He talks about all the women that he interviewed that had either been attacked or assaulted.
They always said I knew something was fucking off about that guy.
They knew it even though he was helping them with their groceries, are opening the door for them. They were like, I my body knew there was something off about that guy.
I think there's something really dangerous about not about having a very limited amount of experience with crazy people, with dangerous people, because you don't know real violent people are real dangerous people who have been around them. And so you don't know that you could just run into them. You could take a wrong turn on Fourth Street. And also there's a violent, crazy person and you don't know what they're like. You don't know to get away and you want to be nice like you don't.
There's this instinct. Sure. Nice. I don't know, but talk to us or whatever. But it's like you want you want to be rude to some kind of an asshole, but it's like it doesn't like what I want.
Like what? I'm so glad I learned what I would want to impart upon my nieces and even my nephews. It's like your safety and your and it doesn't even have to be physical safety, your emotional safety. You're like what you want is the most important thing. Yeah. So that's why boundaries aren't bad.
You know, it's just like set them up and like but for me, like when we go through the comics, for anyone who's ostensibly crazy, I'm usually not scared of those people, the people advertising, they're crazy. Those are people you have to worry about. It's a quiet person in the corner. You're not hearing anything from now.
It's a lot of times this guy's friends, right? There's a guy who's cool, but then he's got a friend who's fucked up and he doesn't know his friend's fucked up.
Yeah. And, you know, and you're around this person all the time.
They're slowly getting closer and closer to you and then can be fucking really scary. Or there's just a lot of men that are scary human beings and capable of violence.
Like when you hear about someone's murdering someone he knew that person who murdered somebody. That's a tricky feeling you like.
But that's why building up your own shit is so important, because you can't control a crazy person outside of you. So like all these things, it's like men need to stop. It's like, yes, of course. But also, how do we protect ourselves?
How do we it's not men, though. It's those men, those particular people that are doing these awful things to people, the potential murderers, rapists or thieves. It's like we have a real problem with lumping people into groups.
And we're really we are so disconnected from our intuition because I'll have it sometimes, like a woman will come up to me in a meet and greet and I'm like, I have a weird feeling about this person. I can't tell you why I can't articulate it. I know ostensibly the person seems really nice. I have a weird feeling about this. I need this person to to go, you know, whereas other people are grabbing me and shaking me and I feel fine.
This person like just being able to like, ever fucking know.
You never, never know. We can't look at each other as groups because we're going to have bright spots. You can have these believe all women blind spots or believe all men blind spots. Those are bad. Yeah, they're bad.
And some people just fix on you fixate on you get obsessed. There's social media. There was a girl that was like a runner up on American Idol. She was doing a meet greet. Someone just walked up and shot her crazy person, thought they knew her.
I had someone I had a security issue with someone who thought they were emailing with me for four months.
They thought we had a relationship, you know, and when you're in that kind of. I'm sorry about that. I wanted to be I swore it was a different Whitney. I know.
But and then everything you're posting on social media feeds into their idea that you're connected. They think you're talking to them, right?
Schizophrenics out there? Yeah. There's a lot of really sick people out, one percent of people in this country or schizophrenic.
Yeah, I think that's the right. No, that's right.
No, I mean, is what percentage what would you guess? What percentage of people are schizophrenic? I mean, it's sort of like nosediving. I'm guessing these kind of people I know it's like these are the kind of people that are like going out of their way to get evaluated.
Yeah, well, yeah, right. There's probably more than that. Yeah.
I was gonna say it's probably going to be a little bit more than whatever it would be. What would you think it would be. Two percent.
You know, you should so much the sense of talking about you. This has been a long intervention, this whole fucking show. So much that you're talking to me. Are you talking to me or me? So much of this shit is so underdiagnosed.
The right one percent, two percent is estimated at one point one percent. And these are just the people that have gone in for medical attention percent. God knows the ones running around gone untreated.
And I need to me, Jamie, the one point one percent, they roughly hesta. They add in 40 hours, that's just the lineup at the Comedy Store, that's 100 percent. But I got to tell you, I have bought a lot of shirts from Boone. I will say that I'm shocked. Look, I buy 70 years. It's been around. I'm so happy to see that it wasn't because I was.
You get scared about people like that, like older weirdos where like where do you live with nothing to lose?
You're like job is to hand people shirts where I don't even know where you got them from. But I was so slow walking flea market, I was like, what am I crazy?
Is it still here?
Listen, kids will wrap this up. We're more than three.
We're going to get ridiculous. I have to be my water got to break. I think you guys agree, right? You should do a show together. It's you guys have epic chemistry. It would be the best show.
I'm dying. And there's so few chicks. Shows are so hot right now. Hot. I don't like you saying that right now.
I'd like to to continue to check, but also to have problems.
You have to be my Jamy though. Travel OK? Yes, I think I.
How often is it that you see female comics getting along publicly and supporting you?
I have like my girl that this thing, when they make it like this Oprah on every woman should it's like, no, no, no, I'm not friends with all female comics just because we're automatically female comics. But I have little astar I talk to every day. I talk to you all the fucking time.
Bonnie McFarlane, I'm not calling my sexual relationship. Those are all fun. That's what you have in common. Esther's hilarious Bonham McFarland salaries are funny. Comedian, so funny. And there so it's just so far and we don't feel competitive. I mean, there's a lot of like pitting each other against each other and competitive shit. That's just like if I want to trust you, don't you think?
Well, we were talking about at the Comedy Store the other night really does hold true that this is the least competitive era of any era of comedy and the most supportive entrepreneurs. Right. But we support each other because the Internet, because there's not limited amount of slots like this is the thing that we were talking about with Jay Leno, like back in his day, there was only one host of The Tonight Show. That's right. And everybody wanted that spot when Johnny Carson left.
There's a lot of people that wanted that. Well, there was one and there was another that went back to that one.
And there's also you've shown us that helping other comics helps. Yeah, there's there's plenty of pieces of pie, you know, like a lot of the pie. We love people.
I love you guys. You're so it's like you should be such a piece of shit. You how are you not doing so well? I think we should say.
Really like I do think it's important to say, like as we go into this next chapter of like Joe Rogan, that a lot of people, I think is I think a lot of people assume that, like, if someone's in your pockets, that means they're famous, like you've had a lot of you have made a lot of comedians lives by having them come on this path.
It's going to be I'm happy to do it. You've probably saved people's lives letting them come on this podcast.
I moved out of my car and he would be dead if it wasn't for you. She would be second to Jay because they came to repossess. She'd be fucking some guy in a wheelchair down in Venice. But I mean, truly, I think a lot of people don't necessarily understand because it's get so many millions of views that, like a lot of comics you've have that are here like truly homeless.
And he's by the way, he's uncomfortable with this, which is because they're cool.
You you have truly given people careers. You have given people their lives, their sanity following. I mean, it's really a big deal. It's a big deal.
It just made sense. It didn't it didn't seem like anything I ever had to think about. I just wanted to help and I knew I could help. So I just take funny people and put them on. And you still do it? I still do. I just did. Ali was on last week.
Oh, my God. I love she was awesome. So now everybody knows how funny she is. That's yeah. That's what we're all supposed to do. Like we used to wait for tonight's show or we would wait for an HBO special. That's what we used to wait for. We don't have to do it anymore. We help each other. And it helps me too, because then people trust me more like, oh, he knows funny people like these people.
He gets on her like legs. So they know like I'm not trying to give you a bad show, have someone on. It's because they're cool. Yeah.
They're just like so many comedians get really famous and successful and stop hanging out with other comedians or stop helping comedians. We see it a lot.
Yeah. Because everybody gets this is what it is because I'll tell you, because I've felt it myself, but I just realized what it was and I stopped to think the thought process. You get scared. Yeah.
Because you have so much you're like, oh my God, it's so much everything. So much like I want to keep this going. Yeah. Keep just keep this gravy train rolling. I'm going to stop stop saying fucked up things, maybe stop doing podcasts of comics, just concentrate on scientists. You can, you could really start thinking like that. And I know people that have done it and a lot of famous comedians, you get to a certain point, they don't want to take any chances anymore, so they don't take chances with their material things that got them to the dance.
Now they're avoiding. Now they want to, like, play it safe.
They are coming down a little bit.
This is not good for you. And I saw it, though. I felt it. I felt that as the podcast started ramping up on me.
But you you kind of do you just got to keep doing it. The way to do it is you get high, you get drunk. Sometimes you talk shit, you have fun snorting cocaine. You talk to scientists.
You talk to, you know, really interesting people that are authors and adventurers and like, yeah, you just do what you did. That's it. That's all I'm doing. But to be able to help comics is probably the best part of it for me I love.
I love watching it happen, I love watching people have a career, you know, because I know they can. Yeah, all of us that are good, you get to a certain point when you're making people laugh and you good if you're dedicated to it, you can have a career. You just need to somehow or another be like not not even mentor.
Just someone opens the door for you. Yeah. So it says, come on in the show, everybody okuyama.
And you also pioneered a sort of career and an art form that a lot of people wouldn't have known to do that have given them their livelihood.
A lot of comedians who weren't going to get that five minute spot on The Tonight Show, a lot of those comedians who weren't going to get that sitcom like you paved a new route for.
Also, what if you didn't have a podcast and then none of us had podcast and then this fucking going to happen and we would just be like like sitting around waiting for auditions or call me.
I'll be like, thank God you talked me into doing a podcast because everybody felt like I was like, you started in the car. That's right.
After that, you're truly feeding people's kids and it's everybody who's a comic. You're feeding my eggs, your future, broken, dysfunctional. If you have the ability to do a podcast, why wouldn't you why wouldn't you let people know, like, more about how you think about what you're interested in?
So because my podcast is only like I have like thirty something episodes and it's you know, sometimes I interview and sometimes I don't, but there's people at all. But he called and he literally called me inspiration. You know, you're very shy and you don't want to promote your stuff. I'm not aggressive. No, but I want to start doing more like there's these people who like have therapy, podcasts and stuff and these different types of people that I would love to interview.
Like I want to do more like the people that I love rather than just comedians or whatever I would like to.
But I'm pretty successful. So. Hanni's And she doesn't have enough money, I guess he's got podcast podcast called Pop Up. Oh, good for you. But Annie needs it more so give it to her bop. But I have to pee so bad.
OK, let's wrap this up everybody. I love you. I love you too. Thanks for doing this. I'm, I'm glad you guys are going to do this podcast. I'm going to make good. I'm going to ruin it. All right.
Good bye, everybody.
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