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Protect yourself, protect your privacy. Express VPN Dotcom Slash Rogen. My guest today is the king of Texas, one of the baddest motherfuckers that ever told jokes. One of the reasons that I was convinced to move here to Texas and move here to Austin because he lives here and he's awesome.


Please give it up for my friend, the great and powerful Ron White Girl to the Joe Rogan experience train by day job. Guess by night all day. You look good. Thank you. You did. You look like you're well rested, like the covid lockdown down has done you well.


Thank you. You know, I. During this thing, I came up with a program called the Dial It Back a little bit program and it's like AA, except there's only six steps, but you don't get completely sober. So it's going to be very popular, I think. And the first step was, Ron, why don't you quit drinking so fucking much?


And what is so fucking much? What's the numbers? You know, it's a half a bottle of tequila a night or something like that, maybe a little more. Wound back to a third. By the way, these little cigars are the shit, these are really good Romeo Juliet, tiny cigars.


Yeah, that's the the meanest cigarillo. So there's one that's a little bit bigger than that. And it's called a cigarillo. And these are the minis. And I started like I was saying that when I was playing golf, you know, I just whenever it's time for me to hit, I just throw it away and let another one, you know, 20 of them for 15 bucks. So, you know, I was supposed to do a fifteen dollar cigar, which is what I usually smoke something like that.


And but it's good tobacco.


Yeah, it's really good.


It's I think it's in their big old premium cigars. Just wrote about roll by the junior rollers and that's how they learn.


And you look like you're smoking a blunt. We're clearly, not clearly and in Austin, what we're saying about the rules, it's like you can have as much as a quarter of a pound before they arrest you.


Yeah, of course, the pound, is that right?


And if you just say it's CBD, CDB, whatever drugs, then they would have to test it and they don't want to test that. They got other things to do. So they have CBD stores out here.


Folks, it's it's very strange. They have stores that sell CBD joints, but marijuana is illegal.


Right. So I don't know, you know, my my son is in that business and it is confusing. And I think that's what helps, you know. Yeah. Is they got dizzy trying to figure it out. But I was going through LAX on the way out here a week early. And because we set this up for we were talking on Friday and you said next Tuesday, the eight well, I don't even know what month it is, much less what day of the month it is.


And so I just thought it's the next Tuesday coming up, which was only three days away. And I was a little mad at you. And I was like going, wow, seems like you're giving me more than three days notice and I got to find a way to get to L.A. and I'm looking at flights.


There's nothing good. I'm thinking about bringing my plane down, which it turns out has a problem. So we couldn't bring it down. And and and I get down here and he's like the eighth is a week from today.


And I was like, oh, God, I'm so stupid, man. We made it work. Yeah, we made it work. So they just plugged in the stuff in a few days early and here I am.


So you're not from here, but you've been here for how long now? Two years. How long? I've you know, I started coming to Austin when I was 15 years old. My my buddy, his brother taught economics at UT and had a house on Fourth Street, which at that time was just little bitty low in cracker box houses, but they're mostly teachers lived in and he would let us stay in his yard. And so we would tell my parents that we were going camping at Lake Sutherland and my buddy Ricky Bellows when he turned 16, had the littlest new Honda, but he had one that was wrecked and he rebuilt it.


And we put all our camping gear in. It comes straight to us and set up. And my brother, my buddy Mickey McMillan, his brother Scott McMillan, we'd set up in his yard, his backyard, and we'd walk two blocks to Sixth Street and it was probably 71 or 72.


And Austin was tripping balls. I mean, it was people on unicycles in clown suits, juggling backwards music, popping out of every window. Stevie Ray Vaughan coming out of this room with Stevie Ray Vaughan on one end of the guitar.


And we're Ravon playing live right just out the window.


Now, we didn't have any money and we couldn't get in any club. So we had we were completely broke. And but we were standing there listening to this music, watching this scene of Sixth Street in 71. I guess it was about seventy one or two when I've been 15, 71. And and even then there were people going, it's over. You should have seen it in 67.


I'm like, still still it still looks pretty good to me, man. Some people always do though. Oh yeah. I missed it, man. Just the other day somebody was like, oh yeah.


It's just not what it used to be. And I'm like, when did you get here like Thursday and like, fucked it really? It's taken a dive since Thursday.


All these fucking Californians moving in. Yeah, they really hate that shit. Yeah.


I talked to this guy is doing it work. He's like, we're being invaded.


Right. Relax. Well, you know, it's a I get it.


It's a great state and and but it's it's just a liberal stronghold in the middle of a very Republican state. And, you know, I was born and raised here. And, you know, if people ask me if I'm a Texan, I tell them I'm a Texan, you know, this is where I'm from. And and the state is slowly changing and becoming more palatable for everybody. And but they're still pretty hard right wing, you know, faction that runs it all out of out of Dallas where all the money is in Houston.


And, well, that's what keeps it from going haywire.


Right. Right. That's what keeps it from going straight. Portland, right.


Yeah, that's that's it. You fucking need that band there. Those people are ridiculous. You need that. You need you need law and order. You do. I don't know. I don't give a fuck what anybody. Yeah.


That's my old joke was if you come to Texas and kill somebody we will kill you back then.


Go somewhere else and kill people or you'll be better off.


You know, Gallet, go to California.


You know, it's just I just feel like, you know, people want to throw away everything that's there. They just want to break it all down and deconstruct society. But they don't really I mean, their plan once they do that, like you saw with.


Happened with that six block chunk of Seattle that they took over as it deteriorated almost instantly and became a terribly run country. All right, they had borders. They had people beating people up for filming things. I mean, they had murders that thinking about walls they took over to.


Not only that, they appropriated all the buildings. They didn't build those buildings. They just took it over.


But the problem with that kind of thinking is even if you think you're right, what you're doing now, someone can do that to you because you've already shown that it can be done.


You've already shown that you could just by force, you can light the fucking mayor of Portland's apartment building on fire and stand out and chant, well, they could do that to your house, too, right? You got to understand, like, what you're doing is not nice.


It's not civilized. It's not polite. This is a civilized society. And if you decide you're going to do things that are not civilized and you're going to justify it, people can do things that are not civilized to you, like the founding fathers, as crazy as it is in the 17th, figure that shit out in advance. They had a whole series of checks and balances to keep. Things were going sideways. They really had some good ideas.


It's really amazing when you stop and think about their great insight into human nature and how it can apply and where it might go.


Right. They were right. They were right. Yeah.


Now, you know, when we were having protests and in vandalism or whatever in Beverly Hills, and they were saying that the next. You know, they're coming to tear your town apart. You know, I really didn't think they would, but I still had a retired Navy SEAL standing in front of my house with a gun. And his message was, why don't you go fuck up the house next door to Ron and and leave Ron's place alone?


Of course, just these young people with these idealistic ideas about people that are successful that somehow or another you've stolen it from other people and that you need to give it back to everyone else. We didn't have a communist society. And it's like how where's the money coming from?


Where who's going to work? What are you going to do? Have you thought this through? Right.


You know, I had always chosen the path of least resistance in my life, and it just ended up here, you know, in Joe Rogan studio at 63 years old, this is the path of least resistance. This is where I ended up.


It is, but it isn't. You know, you see that. But you were a grinder. You were out there on the road doing the hard gigs. That's not the least resistance now.


It was you know, it was so much fun. I couldn't stand it, you know? I mean, I would tap my foot when I was at home.


I wanted to get back out to the path of least resistance, you know, because you know me, I love stand up comedy and I love being on stage like you do. And and in touring never bothered me. You know, it got softer and softer. It started out it was 800 miles in a in a Nissan truck with a bench vinyl seat that would bend you over the steering wheel after fifty miles. And you had 800 miles to go to Atlanta.


That Hugh shows. And I didn't care. You know, I felt like I found it. Yeah. And and I didn't even know what it was till I found it. The first time I was on stage, I was like, oh, I'm a comedian. That's what I am.


If you just look at most of society, at least I did when I looked at most of society, most of what people were doing so unappealing to me, it just didn't resonate with my mind the way I grew up.


It just didn't work. But as soon as I started doing comedy, going on the road, I was like, oh, my God, I found this thing.


Yeah, I found a thing that just works. It just fits into my DNA. It just it just makes sense.


That's the same with me. And I never, ever thought that my career would get as big as it did ever.


And we were talking about divorce outside of time. But I've been fucked over. And I said if I could just go back in time. When you were broke and I said, Ron, in the year 2020, you will have been fucked out of millions of dollars in divorce.




And you would be like, well, fuck, man, how much that I how do I get all that money from? Do I have any left after this. How am I doing.


So yeah. And it was, it was two women in and all together with lawyers and all in four, ten probably ten million bucks and ouch.


And after tax money you know.


So that's 20 million in real world dollars and something like that.


Well you know, if you're if you're making dollars at the box office, you know, you're you're really only putting about twenty eight cents out of every dollar in a bank account that you could spend. And so you got a big chunk go into taxes and managers and agents and travel and all that stuff. And you're trying to have fun and trying to have a good time.


You don't squirreling money away for divorce? No.


Well, it turns out it was I thought it was retirement, but now it turns out, you know, I really I really believe that I'm retired.


I believe I'm done. Really? You don't stand up? I think so. Listen, man, we're going to open up a club here in Austin. Oh, I'll do that.


I want to drag you in.


You're going to crush you're going to get that feeling down to your toes, that tingle.


When I haven't even thought about a set in a half a year, you know, they they tapped on my bus in the parking lot of a venue in Springfield, Illinois, and the parking lot was half full. You know, I'd flown out from L.A., got on my tour bus and in St. Louis, my cruise with me, the crowd showing up. They knock on the door and said, it's over. Wow. The government just the governor just pulled the plug on this date and they plugged it on the next day.


And I'm like, fuck, there's not going to be any shows till May.


I bet. And boy, was I wrong.


Right now we're in September.


Yes, it is September and there's no shows in sight. Well, you can go some places. Houston's doing shows. San Antonio is doing shows, Nashville is doing shows. Kansas City is doing shows. A lot of places like fuck it, let's roll. Let's just do it.


Yeah, but, you know, the you know, Zanies in Nashville hugely fucking collapsed on stage there. And he had covid. And, yeah, the guy that ran the club got covid from him.


And he got it from Huguely. Yeah. For me. Really. Well he got it. So we assume it is for me. Maybe he gave it to him. I could have gone the other way except for you.


Collapsed and then he came up positive three days later, whoever Hughleys Road manager is in props to that guy because he saw it coming and caught him.


Yeah, right. That is the floor on the bucket. Because if he had to fall for man, he's got brain damage, right? You fall from that. You fall from a sitting position.


And that's a kind of a high stage. And yeah. You've been there, right? Yeah. And he's and yeah, my manager would find out about it on the Internet the next day. He wouldn't. Not only would he not catch me, he wouldn't even know where I was, you know, but it was a weird one.


Right. Did you watch the video of him? D.L., like his words got all jumbled together like it did.


They didn't make sense. Yeah, no, I didn't see it. And that was one. It was it was very strange.


Like in the crowd was like, what? What the fuck did he just say? Oh, is that it? What are you doing, Jim? I'm not going. So we got a lot of technical glitches. We're working out the gremlins here, right.


That's a new studio show for us. He'll show it to us. We'll get it.


We'll figure it out. But it was a weird moment where he he just paused and then and just started collapsing. His manager caught him right in time and then just dragged him off the stage.


Oh, I'd like to see the footage of that. Yeah, we would. We would. You know, I play golf when I'm there at the same course is.


We'll see if we can hear it. I can't. I got working on. Sorry. He catches them early this. Right. Oh, it's still bounced his head, though. I wasn't a great catch. No, it wasn't the best catch. I like that little gray goatee thing going on.


Yeah, if I like it so much, I grew one. I played golf with him, him and Cedric and George Lopez a few months ago. That must have been a fun outing.


Yeah, I was staying at this Bacara resort up in Santa Barbara and I just looked across the bar and it was euglena, Cedric sitting there and I'm like, Who is that? I recognize these guys. And.


And I went over and started. I just heard them ordered tequila. And I was like, oh, this is kindred spirits over here. I'm going to upgrade their order because they sold my tequila at that place.


And so I sent them over some tequila and I'm like, and they threw a fit over me. You're Ron White. Ronnie White.


And I'd worked with Cedric. He middle for me on the road and I knew he was going to be a star. Then I was there stopping this guy. You know, he's got so much talent and energy.


And so it turns out Lopez was coming up to play golf with him the next day. And so we we hooked up, made it a foursome, killed a bottle of of a No. One extra in the hole on the course. We passed it around on the 18th to polish it off. And and what a what a hoot. You know, what a glorious day that was. Just laughter and fun.


And I'm sure golf is awesome. It's just that's a lot of time. That's a time you don't have time for, buddy time. You ain't got time for it. Yeah. I don't know how you do what you do. Three shows a day or two. Three of these a day and then I don't do anymore.


Well, the last time I did your show I was the third one that day and you're like, yeah, I'm going to go do my abs. And then I got five sets tonight.


I'm like, Jesus Christ, I'm going to go to bed. I was drunk, stoned. I like.


You're going to do what? Yeah. Yeah, I got to do my abs and I'm going to head on over the last podcast we did.


We got a little bit. Yeah, we got crazy. Yeah. Really. So I'm fucking tequila. You come bringing your own tequila.


What's a man supposed to do. Right. You got to drink it. You get a drink. So you were saying you're in the tequila business now. You're basically not even in the comedy business anymore. You know, I actually told somebody in a conversation that I used to be a comedian. I say they said, what do you do? So I used to be a comic. And then I kind of caught myself.


I'm like, well, because I believe if you want to be a comedian, all you have to do is go be a comedian. But you have to do that right. You have to go to it. You have to do shows and all those things. And that I just don't do anymore.


When you call someone a comic, like, how long do they have to have done it? You know, before I recognize it for a while, you know, what's a wow, you know, I think you start I'd say five, five years. Yeah. Before you start to even start to understand the relationship between you and all those people out there.


It's a it's a long process. I think I caught it on I caught on to doing stand up really quickly. So when I had four minutes, I could kill for four minutes and then I could kill for five minutes. So I always kind of understood how to generate the power, you know, even from pretty early on. But I still only had five minutes. I think the worst thing that can happen to a young comic now as they come out, win some contest and all of a sudden they're headlining.


But, you know, they won with ten minutes of material and then what do you do?


So that's a tough spot to be in. Yeah, it's horrible. Charlie Murphy was famous and then he started doing standup.


So he was doing standup as a famous person famous for being funny on the Chappelle Show. Right.


That took balls. Yeah, I did. And I was around Charlie during those days and it was crazy. I mean, he just was learning stand up in front of sold out crowds.


Yeah, it's scary, but I never thought any of this, even though I was standing right next to Foxworthy when he exploded into one of the biggest comics that ever lived, I never thought it would happen to me.


You know, I just didn't. And I was OK with it.


You know, I like to be in a club headliner. And I was I was still making, you know, as much money as my friends or more as a club headliner. And and I wasn't paying my taxes, which made it seem like I made even more money there. And so I'm picking up tabs and shit right now. But I never saw big, you know, big, big success ever coming my way. And it just did.


I think the most the most fun you have is when you're just making enough money to not worry about money.


Everything else gets it gets complicated. Yeah.


Things get complicated when they could take 10 million from you in a divorce.


Yeah, right. That is. Well, you know what? That's the thing. I remember when we after blue collar came out and all of a sudden when the DVD came out, all of a sudden I could sell out any venue in the country in two minutes and literally in the money was coming in. And I was so joyous because I didn't see what else was coming behind it. Right. I just saw all the sudden I'm making money hand over, fist, over hand over fist, and I'd wake up in the morning.


Glad to be me, you know, having to keep going. Yeah, this is great. I could go on line. I'm a millionaire. I got this. I'm a millionaire.


This is the most fantastic thing ever. But I didn't see what was coming. You know, just as far as you know, I'm basically an idiot and and I'm a fool and his money. And you don't want to walk away from that without a big pile of it. And, you know, and I'm kind of getting to a place in my life where now I'm like, all right, I'm OK.


I'm OK. I still I've still got it. I mean, I still have the finances to retire comfortably and I mean not. I actually I was my girlfriend lives on a main channel over on Oxnard Marina, and we were talking about getting a boat, so I called my friend.


Who's an offshore boat racer? A billionaire, and and I said, I just you know, he knows a lot about boats. He'd give maybe give us some direction on what kind of boat would be great. And so he started asking me right away on the phone call. He said, how's the career going and what's going on in your life? I said, it's over, man. I don't have any dates. I have nothing on the books.


I don't know when it's coming back. And I talked to my financial people and said, let's figure that I'm never going to make another dime. What can I keep looking at and what do I sell? And and I said I got to get rid of the plane and probably the bus. And he goes, well, at least you don't have a boat. I was like, well, that was the next I was my next question.


Man was going to sell the boat to get a bus on the bus to get a boat.


Do you? But if everything comes back, if they develop a vaccine, if we return immunity, if people start touring again, you'll be out there.


Come on, man. I don't know. Come on, man.


I don't know what's left, young man. I'll bring you out there. I'm springing out for a guess that when you have a little guess, I give you a little taste. You know, I feel the roar of the crowd. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ronnie White.


Yeah. And it'd be nice.


You know, I could tell because I always worked really hard. Right. And I've not worked really hard, but I always did a lot of shows right to it all the time. And if I took ten days off, I could feel it in my big set. Yeah. You know, just that information is not floating as close to the top as I'd like for it to be. And then by the next set, it was a little better.


But third said, I'm fine and I haven't done a set. Thought about it, say it, looked at a set list, watched a tape and a half a year. And I don't know what I don't know how long would even take to get it back or if it was or if I could just walk back into it, I would walk right back into it.


I did Houston Improv, I guess, about a month and a half, two months ago now. And I listen to a bunch of sets. And I did the whole weekend and the I listen to like three or four recordings, made notes, wrote down all my stuff. I forgot a couple of things. I forgot the way the order of a few taglines. But I walked out just having a great time. I had a great time. First show was a little odd, like, wow, I can't believe I'm doing stand up again by.


The second show was a show by the third show. I was back, OK, but it was just because I listened to all the recordings. I took a lot of time, went over it.


What venue, what size venue were you? A small place.


The Improv. OK, you know, I mean, I think it seats 500 and I think they were at 75 percent capacity, huh? Yeah, right. Not really. Yeah.


Why are there no empty chairs. It's pretty packed. Oh we took the chairs we didn't need outside but it was a good time.


It was, it was fun. But then I started thinking man what if I got it and gave it to somebody. That's my worry. I give it to some person that has a compromised immune system.


Right. Well, that's you know, I was telling you that my girlfriend and I was going to move this. I bought a new car for out in L.A. and I wanted to move the car that was out there out here. So we decided to just drive it. So we stopped in Vegas and stayed at the Bellagio. And I've always worked at the Mirage. And I found out that outside the Mirage, I'm nobody even with the MGM Grand folks.


And so it was kind of just, you know, a week before we got there, people were going, who's got the keys to this thing and how do you turn those lights on? Oh, right. We fired those people. We had to get them back because we don't know how to do this. Yeah.


So it's casinos that basically shut down for months at a time and they overload everybody. And those are monster complicated fucking properties. Yeah.


And then we went to we we did some gambling, we ate some decent food and no shows or anything. And we're there for three days and it was great play golf and and but we just stayed to ourselves and we won some money playing blackjack and spent it immediately on caviar and champagne and like, look what we won. This is great. And we went to Sedona and Sedona. We've been to Sedona, Arizona, just like hippie land. Yeah, it's crystal.


It's great. Theater is just beautiful.


It is beautiful. It's like it's stunning. I mean, every direction you look, it is it attracts so many flaky people.


They say it's because of some kind of a vibe that it has the energy or whatever. Yeah.


And we're staying in this, you know, it's kind of a five star resort. And it was down on this river where these little cabins and this beautiful river, wolf, whatever Oak Creek or whatever it is, and cuts through these huge canyons.


And and you could take these Adirondack chairs and put them in the river and just sit in this beautiful, clear running river with it and just sit out there and relax and let the world go by and breathe. And it was really, really nice.


And I told Jeannie, I said, you know, we could do because we had we were made kind of last minute reservations, so we had the little cabin furthest from the river, but there was a little house right on the river. I don't know what they charge for it, but it was cool shit. And I said, you know what we could do? We would pool our money and just rent this place and we'll just live here until we're broke, until it's all or the money's gone.


We've run up a tab. We can't pay it. We just altobello there's money coming. We've already spent millions here. And then when the cops are wading into the river to drag us out and throw us off the property, we'll shoot ourselves and just float dead. And she was like, Why?


I'm not saying I'm not saying we have to. I'm just saying. And then I kind of OK, a syringe of heroin and whatever, you know. She nixed it. Yeah, you know, chicks don't like those romantic ideas. Yeah, so then we went to Santa Fe than Austin and then I had my tour bus, picked us up in Austin and took us to up to Nashville and then to see my mother and in Cocoa Beach, Florida.


And so we had covered tests before we got to Mother's house to, you know, make sure even though we'd been being very, very safe that, you know, I couldn't bear the thought of. Yeah, often my mom and yeah, that's the big fear, man.


That's the big fear. The big fear is giving it to somebody who can't handle it. Right. Right. It's it's a weird one, man. I mean, this society has changed in such a radical way over the last six months. It's almost like if you or I know someone who actually did get hit by a car.


Right. Right before George Floyd died. And had brain damage and came out of a coma, like while the riots were going on, like literally didn't know what was going on and has brain damage and is trying to put it all together like you ever see the movie 28 days later? No awesome zombie movie, but the guy wakes up in the middle of a coma from a coma and the world's changed. He woke up and a virus had swept through the land, some virus that they created for chimpanzees called Rage.


And it escaped from a lab and started infecting people and turned them into these wild zombie creatures.


All right. But, you know, it's almost like that.


This person that I know woke up.


From this, from getting hit by a car, flown through the air, landed on their head, got all fucked up in a coma for 10 days, hospitalized and then coming out of it. Watching the news going, what the fuck is happening right now? Cops, cars on fire, streets are burning, people wearing masks.


Everyone's wearing a mask and and not wearing masks.


I was so protective of my mom, but she wants to get out. She wants to go to the grocery store. She wants to go, you know, but she's just been locked up, so she she can she she also cooks for me. You know, she my mother loves to cook for me. And and it was almost like Breaking Bad when they chain that guy to the meth lab. That's what my mother looked like in the kitchen, you know, just like in fried chicken and fried shrimp and gumbo and all the things I love.


And but we went to the store and, you know, she likes to you know, she doesn't walk that stable. So she likes to walk with, you know, with his cart. And so we went and there are people not wearing masks.


And I just wanted to fucking come out, you know, and, you know, so that so they get to walk around with no mask. I got to keep my mother in a storage facility, you know, so she didn't catch this disease. And so I'd like for everybody to catch on with the masks thing, you know, and just let's get through this.


Yeah, I think most people have caught on with it now, don't you think most people are wearing masks? It's pretty rare that people aren't wearing masks, especially from its folks.


It's become, I think, a little bit better. And we're you know, we're getting some better numbers right now. So that's good, you know? That's I hope you taking your vitamin D no. OK, you to take vitamin D. It's very important.


There was an article that was just published recently that I put on my Twitter page that I don't read your Twitter page, but you don't have to.


But I'll send you the things directly that are important. All right. But this was talking about vitamin C and people that get covid and wind up in the ICU and vitamin E, vitamin D, Rather, and vitamin D seems to be the the biggest factor that people. One of the things Dr. Rhonda Patrick talked about on the podcast, too, is that more than 80 percent of the people in the ICU are deficient in vitamin D and only four percent had sufficient levels of vitamin D.


The vitamin D has a significant impact on your immune system and most people don't get it. You probably get a good amount because you're out in the sun golfing a lot, but probably not quite enough. Or you should almost always supplement.


Yeah, my you know, my doctor says I've just had all my test done the other day and and he said that you need to boost your vitamin D. That's what he said.


And everybody does that humans aren't supposed to live in this little fucking red spaceship we're supposed to be outside in the world. Yeah. I mean, this is how we evolved. We evolved to be outside all the time.


We didn't evolve to be indoor creatures. So our bodies are designed to absorb vitamin D from the sun. I mean, that's that's how we create vitamin D in our body.


Right. And I think you're right. I do. But I do spend an awful lot of time outside that. But, you know, I need to get on a program, that's for sure.


You know, are you willing I'll put you on a program. I'm willing. I'm willing to change programs.


Yeah. Do you take a dump ton of vitamin? A lot shit.


Even though you believe it's all good.


Yeah, I feel great. You have more energy than anybody I know.


Do you sleep at all?


I do. That's one of the reasons why I have energy. I sleep a lot. A little amount of sleep for me is six hours.


That's a little amount like that's like oh I got to catch up a good night. I'm sleeping eight, maybe even nine. Yeah, I sleep. I sleep good, it's important. Yeah, everything, man, it's everything that's, you know, that's that's what I want from you. You know, I'd love to have Joe Rogan energy instead of Ron White Energy, which is. Man. Let's take a nap.


That's the tequila, son. Oh, now, that's that's Salvacion. That's awesome.


Some of that salvation. All right. Cracking open. I was going to I was going to make this deal that that for sure. I didn't drink for the first hour. I think we're about 40 minutes.


OK, that's good. Yeah, close to 30 minutes because we're twenty eight.


Oh, you made yourself a deal.


That's hilarious. Yes, if you drink this every day, you're not going to have a lot of energy, but you will have an interesting energy while you're drinking it, you know, it's a trade off.


Yes, it's a it's a stimulant. And I don't know. Told you that before instead of a depressant. Cheers. Joe Rogan is my brother. Congratulations to both of us. Thank you for everything.


For everything. Oh, oh. Damn right, right. Well, you got to actually smell it. Yeah, I'm going to I'm stuck in your bar at your house.


So I brought it back to keep some good ideas with this stuff. The stuff will bring me to some strange places.


It will. Sure. I was also going to bring some shrooms, but I decided not to.


Are you still micro dosing, you know?


Did it stop working? No, it didn't stop working. The guy was getting it from went to prison. And so for mushrooms.


I don't know. What are the odds. Yeah, right. I don't know. I think that's exactly what happened.


What the fuck is putting someone in jail for mushrooms? That guy should go to jail. Yeah, it's you know, he was a door guy in a club and but he was really doing it because, you know, he knew a lot of vets that had, you know, PTSD and people were feeling like hallucinogens were, you know, making a connection for some of these guys and particularly micro dosing.


Yeah, microdots. And that's all. And that's what I was doing, unless there was a concert to go to and then I was Maxo dosing.


Well, I ran into you at the Green Room at the Comedy Store and you're like, I found this thing. That's fucking amazing. I'm just microdots. Yeah, I guess I'm on medication, but it's a little sparkling.


Yeah. Your day and and so, you know, and I still described it as wonderful.


Wonder how you feeling. It's wonderful. It's wonderful.


Take the drugs and go to the concert, you know, have fun, you know, get my lazy ass. But the microdots.


And it's like it's just enough to feel it, right. It's just like you just just enough to feel it. You just just have to take the edge off of life. Yes. But you're very they're very coherent.


Yeah. Even more probably. Yeah. Well, they say you see things better. There was studies done on visual acuity. One of these psychedelic researchers, they did these things that people will they give them low doses of psilocybin and they they were able to detect movement quicker than people without it. Like so they have two lines, two parallel lines. And when one of the lines would diverge off of parallel, the people down mushrooms could recognize it much quicker.


And the people not on mushrooms.


Yeah. Yeah. One of my earliest mushroom experiences, maybe the first we had we'd heard about it, of course, I was in Houston, so mushrooms were at the end of every street because it was all developed rangeland the further out you go. So at the end of it there was a pasture and that's full of mushrooms. Right. I had no idea had they had value anywhere because they were just so readily available. And when we were, I boiled some up and mean Joe pain and and we drank them, but we didn't know how long it took for it to hit.


And then Joe had to leave. And I'm sitting there and my dad comes home. I was staying with him and and I feel these mushrooms coming on a little bit. And then there was this horrible wreck in Houston where this big truck with some kind of gas flipped on one of those big overpasses. And they had cameras out there. And I started laughing so hard. It was the funniest thing I ever seen.


And and I couldn't stop myself from laughing at it. And it wasn't funny at all. And but it just the laughter was in there.


My dad I remember him just looking at me going, what's wrong with him? And so I left and I was driving my car and I noticed that I could see an eye of a bird that was 50 yards away while I was running into the back of another car.


So I can't really I can't really verify that everything but the bird's I was looking at and then all of a sudden khattak and not very hard, but it was definitely a wreck.


Yeah, it makes you see things.


Makes you hear things. Makes you you. Yeah. Speaking here to. Hmmm, comes and goes, know some gremlins, spaceship noises or spaceships, they look in place here. Yeah, we're working this place out trying to figure it out.


I like it, though. I think it's you know, whenever you're in a new spot, you've got to get accustomed to. It still feels weird. Like we did one with Adam Curry. Just felt weird. It feels weird to be here.


Yeah, I'm already used to it.


Yeah, I'm used to I'm used to often tell you that I got used to it quick. I'm settled in. I love it. I like it a lot. I love the less people. I love how friendly everybody is. There's a lot of good things about this place. I love the barbecue. I had diarrhea for four days in a row. I couldn't stop really. I was eating his fucking barbecue.


I had like a piece of lettuce and four days. It's all ribs, ribs and sauce like Jesus.


Where are they coming from? Where you got to go to place or you.


Oh, man, I was going everywhere. I found this hole in the wall. A big cave barbecue.


Holy shit.


It's like a trailer like this little trailer that you pull up to fucking phenomenal.


You know, they're all born out of this nominal this you know, these are all, you know, early German settlements through New Braunfels. And they just understood smokehouses. And that's what it is where it all came from.


Wow. It all came from Germany. Yeah. No kidding. Oh, wow.


Well, I know there's a lot of German folks that live in Fredericksburg, right. Like out there.


Oh, and Winery's Bramble's and what, South New Braunfels.


Where is your aunt live. And they live in New Brownsville Watts. But anyway that's where that there was all German settlements and we used to go camping.


We'd go to the Guadalupe River, which is a fun, fun thing to do. And we stayed at a campground called the Lazy Clennell and that which used to be a farm for this German family. And the guy that owned it figured out he could turn it into a campground and make it easy, easier money. So he did. He was about 90 years old and he smelled horrible, just really stunk.


Always, always wearing the same clothes. Those guys were pussy fucking fuck showers, right?


Fuck shower.


Why would I take a shower before? And but he told me he wanted to show me something. So there old barns were there and stuff and he took me over and he showed me a plow that had a seed on it.


And he said that when he saw that he, he said that he thought everything that could be invented had been invented.


Now you're sitting on a plow. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm the good life living. God damn. The horse is dragging you and the plow guy and you're not doing anything.


Your boots aren't getting muddy. Now you're above it. You're good. You're above it.


Good living your life, living that Silver Star life. Yeah, that's a it's a weird thing that the immigrants came out here learning how to smoked meat like German smoked meat and smoked sausages, and they somehow or another morphed that into barbecue.


It was everybody that worked for that. One of those people, they went and started their own place because they learned how to do it. And we just kind of spread from that.


And you can't have bad barbecue here. You will not survive. No, no, no, no, no. You will not survive. I found that out.


And you cannot make any money selling shitty barbecue in the Texas hill country. You can right now.


It's not happening. Yeah, everything's good.




The real worry, like I was saying, is that people like me who come here and fuck it up, how could you fuck? I'm not going to fuck it up. I'm going to find nice Texas people say tell me how to vote. I'll vote for your way. I won't keep your thing going.


Whatever you did to get this, I want to keep this going.


Yeah. Nothing to do with politics then. Politics could fuck it up though.


Not the barbecue. No, not that you. But they could fuck up some of the aspects of this place like. Yeah. Freedom parts, right. Yeah.


I just think the thing about having a place like this is you got to kind of let people do like one of the things that I love about Texas is the fact that it's so wild that you could do a lot of shit here. You could do crazy.


Like, I looked at a ranch and I said, what if I wanted to put a comedy club on this ranch? Is there any rules?


No, no, no. Go ahead. They will go ahead. I got. What about a shooting range?


Oh, of course. Fine. Yeah, bring it. Do whatever the fuck you want, put a fence around, shoot every animal you have. Yeah, I did. Yes.


It's it's freedom. It is. It is. It's freedom.


Yeah. And I enjoy you know, I'm socially pretty liberal but fiscally pretty conservative and. Yeah. Me too. And so I, I, you know and you know, I just lean that way. And so I hope that Texas. You know, spleen's that way, too, you know, I don't know that it ever will, but, you know, I love the the freedom of taxes. And I and I love calling myself a Texan.


You know, it's a it was a sovereign nation. At one time, we could fly our flag as high as the U.S. flag. No other state can because they weren't a real nation.


That's true. You could fly the Texas flag at the same. It's the only flag. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know why this place is so crazy? Do you know the whole history? Why it's so different than anywhere else? Why Austin or Texas?


It's Texas in general because it was its own country. Because the Comanches, the Comanches, really what it is.


OK, let's hear it, Joe. They had a fight off the Comanches.


The Comanches, they were mean were the baddest motherfuckers in the plains, and they literally ran the western part of this country or they were the most savage. They they all they ate was meat. They lived off of like buffalo meat. Basically, they learned how to ride horseback better than any other Indians. They learned how and they call themselves Indians or something like Native American versus Indian. I've talked to them. They prefer the term Indian. I know.


I don't know if that applies to all of them, but the ones that I've talked to and I've been trying to educate myself about the shit they said we we prefer the term Indians.


But didn't the American people or the settlers call them Indians? Yes, I thought we were they were Indian. The original people in the 40s thought they were in India. Yeah. But for whatever reason, it's stuck.


And but the Comanches, they were when the the Texas Rangers were the first guys to figure out how to beat the Comanches.


So Mexico was allowing people to move in to Texas and Oklahoma back in the day when the settlers are like, go ahead, my friend, go ahead.


It's free.


And they were basically using settlers as a buffer for the Comanches because everybody who moved into these places and built houses just got slaughtered. Right.


And so when.


But it was Ranger against Mexico. Until Windass. Until what year? I don't remember what year. But they figured out the Texas Rangers, the first guys who figured out how to fight the Comanche. And what they did is they basically fought like them. The early settlers used to get off of their horses to shoot. So they get off their horses with a fucking musket and the Comanches would run on them and they could shoot five, six arrows in six seconds from a horse they were just shooting boom, boom, filling them up with arrows.


And these poor bastards had the musket with the stick in the powder and they got fucked. So Colt figured out how to make a revolver. And the first revolver was made like somewhere and like the eighteen forties.


And one of the very first people that used the revolver was the Texas Rangers was Jack Hayes. Jack Hayes was the original Texas Ranger in this bad motherfucker, figured out how to live like a Comanche fight off a horseback, 99 percent sure that's his name, Jack Hayes.


Google that real quick.


But we have we actually made a large photo of this dude that's going to hang in the front lobby.


OK, cool. Yeah, there he is, John Hayes. Well, they call him Jack, too, right? There's that.


We're the Jack is a nickname for John. Yeah, John F. Kennedy is Jack Kennedy. Doesn't make any sense. How the fuck did that happen? Jack Hayes. Yeah, John Coffee. Jack Hayes was an American military officer.


So that dude, he's there's a large metal photo that's being made of him.


He's the reason why Texas exists because these these motherfuckers figured out how to fight the Comanches.


They figured out how to do it. And partly because of Colt and because of the revolver and the revolver was basically this all comes from a book that's an amazing book that I read called Empire of the Summer Moon by this this guy, Sam, Gwen, S.G. Gwen. And it's all about the Comanches and how difficult it was for the settlers to make it across Texas. So Texas became fiercely independent place, partially in part because of their battles with the Comanches who ran through Austin.


Is there you can find Comanche arrowheads in Austin. Still to this day. I have friends who found them here, right?


I have friends that look for them all the time to go by. Foxworthy's one of them.


He goes on these Arrowhead searches all over the place and where they find them for the most is those buffalo jumps. You know those places where the Comanche would force Buffalo off cliffs.


I didn't even know that.


That's how wild it is. They would force so many off of cliffs that they would rot in a pile because they couldn't eat all of them. They would rot in a pile and there would be so much bacteria and rot that they would spontaneously combust.


So most of these buffalo jumps, like when you would find at the bottom they'd be charred, like charred cliffside because the piles of buffalo wood would literally burst and burst into flames.


How do you know all this stuff, Joe? Smoke a lot of weed. I smoke weed and I get into things.


That's why I can't play golf. I know you don't have time for go.


Well, I can't play golf because I'd get obsessed. It would. That's the problem, would you are looking at it like you did two or whatever it is, you know, and I would get obsessed. Yeah, I know Tony Hinchcliffe is obsessed now. That poor bastard, he's hooked and plays golf every day, sends me pictures.


I oh, he's telling me I just played golf with or just had a conversation with a guy named Pete that we all know that. Oh yeah. And and he had just played golf that morning with Hinchcliffe and he said he's he's horrible, but he's so into it that it doesn't even matter.


That's how he is with pool. Hinchcliffe is horrible. A lot of things that he's really into. Yeah.


I think he's I think he's really funny though. Oh he's the comic.


Oh, he's one of the best up and coming comics. And I think it's he came with me to Houston when we did that gig. Oh, did it. Yeah. Yeah.


He's fucking hilarious. He's talking about moving to Austin.


He's gonna I'm dragging him on here and why he said there's going to be no place to do stand up. And I'm like, no, there is, there is. Joe's going to open a club and I'm going to open up a club 100 percent.


That's the plan. There's a long term plan. There's a ranch and a club in those long term plans. And the club is going to be on the ranch.


I don't know yet how we decided yet. Oh, no. You got to have a club where people can go to it. Yeah, yeah.


They get in a car, go to the ranch. No, no. I don't think other people might be wrong.


I could not be wrong about this. You might be wrong. Location, location, location.


I don't know about that. Not barbecue and yeah. Not just barbecue and comedy. I mean like outdoor festivals. I want to put in ampitheater and do charity concerts. Oh wow. Like legitimately. Yeah. I think it all can be done.


Promote it on the podcast but have it for, for good for goodwill while the money goes to charity.


Forget about your platform and how many people it reaches. I know the first time I did your podcast, I had no idea how big it was. You just asked me to come do it and I was driving down there going, I can't believe I said I would do this. I had no idea. And then I fucking hit a curb while I was pulling in and busted a tire. And I'm like, God damn it. And then it turns out it was the biggest thing I've ever done in my career was your podcast.


More people saw that than anything.


And I got more people coming up to me. I saw you on Rogas. Saw you on rogard. I'm sorry.


On rogard I'm like, God damn. I mean, if you were watching this fucking thing, I remember you grabbing at the Comedy Store afterward.


You I had no fucking idea.


I had no idea. No idea. Nobody told me. You know, you didn't tell me.


You just I just knew you had a podcast and it turned out, you know, turned out to be a hell of a gig.


Well, the thing is, it seems like it's not right because it's just you and me hanging out. And, you know, it seems like it's it seems seems like it's just us.


Yeah, right. Sure. This is how we would do if we're the back bar, the Comedy Store, exactly the same thing.


And that's why when I watch it, you know, I watched one the other day with you and Whitney Cummings and Annie Letterman.


Yeah. And that was really good. Those girls are awesome. Oh, they were so funny. Those girls are so funny.


And I tell you about about Whitney's pig.


Yes. She drove it all the way to Texas to a fucking pig sanctuary. And I met it. Did you meet it.


Yeah. Yeah. Pictures. Oh yeah. Yeah. To the pig sanctuary.


So what happened was we were going to do I was talking to Jay McGraw and we were thinking about doing. Jay's moving down here. Huh. Jay's moving on.


I know. You know, I don't believe it.


You already bought a house. Oh, he didn't tell me that.


Yeah. Got a house. Oh no. He did tell me that. I'm Travis, right? Yeah. So we're bringing them all out here. All right. Come on, come on. Bang the drums. Put up the bat signal. Yeah.


I told somebody the other day that I said, why is once Rogan moving out here? And I said, well, because I moved out here and he started crying. What am I going to do with that, Ron Wyden? I'm like, Just come on out here, Joe. It'll be great.


Well, you did say that. You did say that. And I wiped a tear from your eye with a little tissue, and then you just use that bandanna you have wrapped around your neck.


Right, just just to dry your tears and tell you there's hope for your future.


Yeah, well, you were talking about in glowing terms, and that's not a small part of why I'm here. There's several people that talked about it in such glowing terms.


And when the looting hit, that was the big wake up call for me. I was like, OK, I see what's going on here.


You know, I can have, you know, armed guards everywhere, which already had, you know, at the studio or, you know, but felt weird, felt on L.A., feels unmanageable. It feels like it's out of control that Garcetti guy is not handling it well.


No, I don't think so. It's a fucking disaster. And there's more tents now than I've ever seen in any RTI convention. Everywhere you go, everyone's camping. You know, it's like the streets are filled with people that got evicted from their houses, lost their jobs, or don't have any money for anything.


And it's just it's just way too many folks, way too many folks and not enough people working. And it just seems dangerous.


Right. Well, the climate so good that if I was going to be, you know, if I had no home, I would want to live in Southern California and be homeless.


They're the guys who have made those mobile home dudes that drive around those shitty mobile houses. Right. This is main base. You park it and there's your house. I mean, you got a roof.


You got until they make you move, then you move and park it there. Yeah, but I mean, they're not they're not even making people move that much anymore after covid everything after this whole George Floyd thing and the attacks on the police officers like this, very few things they're enforcing that they use to enforce these to kick the old studio was they used to kick them off the streets and not let them park on the street. And now they're all over the streets.


I mean, you'll go down one of the side streets in the valley and you'll see 15 on the Van Nuys area. You'll see like 15 of them in a row, 20 in a row.


There's basically villages of people that are living out of their mobile homes.


And most of them, they barely can drive. You know, there's a lot of them. It's all fucked up, right? We thought someone was shooting in front of our house.


We thought guns were going out in front of the studio, rather. And the security guys go out there and it's just one of those guys trying to start up his truck and his back.


Bang, bang, bang. I mean, really loud. Like, we were like, oh, shit, it's going down right out front. But no, just a dude trying to move.


Yeah. I figure when I needed to felt like I needed to hire an armed guard to protect my home there, which turned out it, you know, probably didn't it probably didn't matter. But I was that worried about it, you know, just that I'm going to go ahead. But somebody's up there, you know, and I felt kind of, you know, odd about doing that. But because I figure if somebody paid me to to guard their house once people started coming at me, I would just find another job.


Right. I would move on down the road and do something else for a living.


Need more than one guy, right?


Well, there were actually two because my manager lives on that street, too. So he had one and I had one and but they never got any. Oh, it's pretty high up there. So they just never got that high. You know, it was down in the flats. There were some problems.


The thing is, once things start happening and you didn't start it, but you're doing it like you're like looting, like it takes a lot to get people smash, get someone to smash a window, running into a store and steal things. It takes a lot. But once someone smashed the window and there's three people in there stealing things, it's not that hard to run in there. Right. That's what the problem with mob mentality is. Once things start happening, it's getting normal.


But had momentum going, yeah, you can't fucking stop it. Yeah, it's very hard to stop.


And once the genie's out of the bottle like it is in L.A., when they when they lit those cop cars on fire and smash all those streets on Melrose and all the way down Hollywood Boulevard and just robbed all those stores, I was like, oh, you're not doing anything about this. There's no no cops are stopping this. You're going to let them did. The strategy was to let them burn themselves out, right? Like what? You've just set a precedent.


Right. And it's going to take years to turn this fucking battleship around.


Immunity is kind of what they were going for there. Eventually it'll all be OK.


Yeah, I wish. You know, I was shocked. I've been I've been in a state of shock, you know, and somewhat depressed about the state of the nation, you know, and in the world that we live in.


And what's the answer to all this? You know, is there an answer to all this?


And and it has affected me emotionally and and and not just certainly not because of what's happened to me.


It's just my fear of what's happening to everybody else, because I know I'm OK.


Right. And and I'm in a in a in a great a great position to weather the storm. But that's one of the reasons why you're OK.


The people the real danger is when the economic situation deteriorates into a place where it's unmanageable. And that's how it is for a lot of people. A lot of those people that are looting and robbing stores like Aoki's said something ridiculous, like maybe those people just stealing some bread to feed their families.


Like probably not.


But the reason why they're doing it is because they're broke. That's there's no rich people out there looting. I'm not you know, they're looting because they're desperate and because covid in the lockdown has put people into this unmanageable situation where they really don't have any light at the end of the tunnel. They don't know what to do. That's dangerous.


And so that's where you realize how much economic prosperity is attached to a civilized society. If everybody's doing well, everybody's fine. But as soon as people aren't doing well, right, more is more danger. It more crime. There's more you know, and I don't know how that turns around when all these businesses go under and then people have what are they going to start new businesses know, like how much Gurnon?


I mean, just the number of restaurants that we lost in Austin that'll never come back. And small, but not just restaurants. That's the one I feel because I go out to eat every meal.


But but I know that these mom and pop shops. We're not prepared for this in any way, shape or form, and they hung on for a minute and they're gone. Yeah, and and will they ever come back? You know that. You know. You hope so. Yeah. But you wonder how you know. You wonder how.


Well, Austin, at least they're letting these people stay open with limited capacity and, you know, make people wear masks in L.A., you can't do anything.


I mean, L.A. is the one place in the whole country where you can't open a beauty salon.


You can't have these all these hairdressers and barber shops are fucked. Right? They've been closed for six months. You see that Nancy Pelosi shit?


Did you see that? That's how fucking crazy is that lady. She she without a mat, without wearing a mask.


I mean, we're talking about a hypocrite. The fucking all the beauty salons are locked down. She went into the beauty salon with no mask wandering around, got a blow out when no one else could even go to the beauty salon. They caught her on security camera. They uploaded it.


And you know what she said? It's a setup. She she said it was a setup. Right? Like they set her up, like, you know, the fucking I don't even have any hair. And I know you can't go to a beauty salon.


I mean, it doesn't apply to you just literally literally doesn't apply to me at all. And I know the fucking rules. She's a speaker of the House. You telling me you don't know the rules in your district in San Francisco? You don't know the rules. Of course you know the rules.


Of course you do. It's so slippery that lady handed Trump a bad gift. Oh, yeah.


It was almost like when when Hillary called the supporters a basket of deplorable as some like you just.




Handed a man that had a baton, a bat to hit you with and not a regular one, but when the ones with the barbed wire wrapped around it, like dude had to go bloody weapon dead.


And the minute I heard that I was like, oh yeah, yeah. I thought, you're supposed to be smart. She's not smart.


She's just a politician. She is greasy. They just been doing it long enough. So they know the moves to do in the right steps.


It's like, yeah, they're all gross.


There's no getting around it. You can't you can't survive in that business if you're if you're not gross. Right.


You just that's how you get there. That's how you stay there.


And they they they they feed off of the fact that they have control, they feed off of the fact they have power over other people, they have more power than anyone else. And that's one of the reasons why she would do something like that. You told me she can't get someone to come to her house and wear a mask and give her a blow out. She's worth a hundred million dollars. Of course she can do that. Right.


But she's like, I'm going to what gradient? Where am I going to do it for me? I'm not going to wear a mask. Right. I won't ever wash my own hair.


Just going to stroll right in there like she owns the joint. It's just like when you see politicians being hypocritical, like that lady in Chicago, the mayor of Chicago, she's like, you know, talking up these people in these peaceful protests and everything's fine. But then they tried protesting on her block. She set up fucking armed guards, she said made a mandate you can't mandate. She just said you can't protest on her street. Right.


I have a right to protect my own safety like bitch.


That's what everybody's trying to do, right? That's what we're in here. That's what we're doing is we're doing.


But that's what people feel when they get into a position of power. That's the problem with power.


That's the problem with whether it's Garcetti or Newsom or anybody dictating any of these rules.


When someone gets into a position of power, it's fucking intoxicating, the ability to tell people you can't work right.


Shut it down, you know, start it up, shut it down like it's intoxicating. And once you have some power, boy, it's very difficult to give that power up.


I anticipate that even if they figure out a real cure for coronavirus, I anticipate lockdown's now for flu. I think there's going to be lockdown's for all sorts of diseases that kill a certain amount of people.


You could you could you might be my might be wrong, but you could see it happening. You could see it happening because they've set a precedent for them having the ability to dictate whether or not people work, whether or not people are allowed to move freely and do whatever they want, because that's what happens when people have power. It's a fucking dangerous intoxicant.


Yeah, well, I believe you're right about that, that it's a it's a it's dizzying how sexy power is and how sexy you feel when you have it and in it.


But I don't think you know, I think we find a I think we find a vaccine, we move on or the aliens land.


I've been thinking the aliens are coming.


You know, I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day, another billionaire. I got a few billionaire buddies and, you know, move. I don't really I think I'm suck it up for a reason.


They'll tell you in advance what's about to happen.


Well and well. Well, this one this guy particular guy is really, really, really smart. And he has no doubt in his mind whatsoever that aliens are. Dancing among us, and I think he's right. Pass me the little baby cigars runway. I love those things.


The white, one of the dark, one of the different colors. Well, there's this one.


Oh, that's not a cigar. I know what the fuck that is. That's a CDB. Oh, yeah. We were talking about earlier. Give me some of that light. Hmm.


Thank you, sir. Yeah, I'm convinced. I'm 100 percent convinced I used to be 60 percent. And you're up to a hundred. Yeah, I talked to Commander Freyberg, David Kramer at what time in my life I could do 75 pushups and I'm down to three.


All right. Get back up to 75. I'll show you how you got nothing else to do.


I talked to people that have seen I talked to this one guy who is a pilot in the U.S. Air Force and Navy Navy pilot, I believe commander favors in the Navy.


And he encountered this thing that they call the Tic-Tac UFO. This is an object that they tracked on radar that went from 60000 feet to one foot above sea level in less than a second. They don't know how fast they did it because it was literally a blip in the radar. It went from 60000 feet down to one. They have no idea how fast it moved. They have no idea how it did it. It shows no signs of propulsion. There's no heat, no exhaust signature.


There's nothing that has any indication that it's acting in any way, like in any propulsion system that we've ever observed before.


Yeah, yeah, John was telling me to watch it, a show called Claudette's. Jamie just nailed it. Whatever it was.


Yes, found it. You just did it. Oh, it's back again. There's little folks, if you hear there's a little hum. There's a little strange audio hum that Jamie is trying to track down, think it's aliens. We'll get this worked out. Yeah, we'll get it worked out.


I don't think anybody's going to care. They might. I don't think so.


So you know what?


If I had to give you a percentage of what the aliens are real. What's the percentage for you? Eighty one point three.


That's a good number.


Eighty one point three. That's likely.


Yeah, likely. I mean, how could it not be, you know, how could it not be? I you know, I really don't even. It was kind of odd that he and I were talking about it. But he has a really nice plane and he lives in Malibu and Austin. And so every time he moves from one city to the other, it happens to fit my schedule. Exactly right.


So I'm like, that's weird. I was going to Beverly Hills today.


How about I hop on a plane ride? I'm on it by myself. Come on, let's go. And nice.


So when he pops back down to Austin, even if just for a couple of days, you know, I hop on and I really enjoy this guy's mind and I consider him a mentor in business, in life.


I know you're talking about John Paul DiGiorgio and but he just started talking about it.


I hear nothing but good things about that guy that he's the best. He's a fascinating dude.


Oh, yeah. You know, if he would do your podcast and I think you do it, I think he would I would love to have him on.


He you know, he's a guy that started selling shampoo out of the trunk of his car, you know, and and sold Petrona, I think, last year for five point one billion dollars and still. Owns 60, 60 other companies, including Paul Mitchell, which you started. Here's the thing, at what point do you stop working when you that never, never he never wants to stop. He never considered stop. And I was so shocked when he sold Petron because I just didn't think he ever would, you know, because he doesn't need to sell it.


And but for whatever reason, he did, and in fact, I said something, made him laugh really hard because he told me about it. He called me and told me how I sold it to Bacardi for five point one billion. And I said, well, that sounds like a lot of money, but it sounds like more money when you realize the point one is 100 million dollars.


So that's the biggest point one there is, right. There is no point one trillion dollars that doesn't even exist. It's a point. One billion is a hundred billion.


But he said that to watch him watch a show, which I never watched because I think he got an advanced copy of it, which was quite close Encounters of the Fifth kind is what it's called. And I looked it up and it and it was coming on something, but it hadn't been on yet. So I think he just got an advanced copy of it and he said that it'll it'll take every single dad out of your mind. It's ever been there.


Wait a minute. Isn't that the Steven Greer movie?


I know that's Close Encounters of the third kind. No, no, no. That's Steven Spielberg. Oh, yeah. OK, Stuart Stevens. Steven Greer's a guy we had on the podcast before. Oh, that wrote.


Yeah, he's a you know, he's a ufologist air quotes. OK, sideways face. Right. Skeptical hippo face. Right.


Blink monarchal. Hmm.


There's a lot of thuggery in that UFO world. There's a lot of people that are making documentaries and a lot of people that are. There's a real good one, though, about Bob Lazaar called Bob Lazaar UFOs in Area 51. I think that's exactly the title of it. But it's by my friend Jeremy Corbel.


And it's about this guy was a physicist who worked at Area Asfour in the Nevada desert right back engineering this craft that the government had recovered and immediately upon working there realized like, what in the fuck is this like right away? I knew that this was no technology that we had currently available. I mean, this guy was a physicist. He was a physicist, a nuclear physicist at Los Alamos Labs. All right. Worked on weapons systems. Right. And would know and got there and was like, what are you guys doing?


Like, what is this? And they were basically explaining, like, these are recovered UFOs. And one of them apparently, according to him, was very old and that it was from some sort of an archaeological dig that they found.


And the propulsion system that these things used was that they use this element called Element 115 that wasn't even proven to actually exist until I think it was 2013. They proved that it existed in a particle collider. But this guy was talking about in 1989 and he said that they had a stable supply. Is that your phone that keeps doing that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


Weird debris. Maybe that's the whole problem. That's UFOs.


The but this documentary is fascinating because the propulsion system that he's describing is exactly the same, that Commander Fraser.


Had described in the Tock UFO that they found off of you just got to shut it so it doesn't make noise. I just turned it off. Did you miss the opportunity?


They do. I need I'm irrelevant. Did I'm not irrelevant.


No, no, no, no, no. Stop saying that. Anyway, they the propulsion system that he described in nineteen eighty nine is exactly the same propulsion system that they witnessed this ticktock UFO using in 2007 or whatever it was that David favorite seeing this thing off the coast of San Diego.


So what those people that saw these crafts that were monitoring them in the military, they were saying they see these like every few months.


They see these things. They don't know what the fuck they are. I don't know what to do. They scrambled jets to go watch them. They actively block their tracking systems and then they disappear faster than you can look at it just to just take off. They have no idea what they are. They don't know where they're from. They don't know what they're doing. And then the Pentagon recently has come forth and released these statements and one of them being that they've recovered crafts that are not of this world.


They list six point six. I'm up to eighty six point six letter. My little cigarillo went out and, oh, no, it dropped some. Dirty tobacco juice in this fucking thing, I'm going to scoop that bad boy out of there. I'm going to keep drinking, but I'm in, dude, I'm like 95 percent.


You're down from one hundred and I'm up to 86. Yeah, that's I listen to my own bullshit. Right. Stop, stop. You're about I'm going to drink this with the ashes.


I don't give a fuck. Fuck. I got to turn my phone back on because I got to show you got to show me the UFO. You know the pig.


The pig. Whitney Cummings paid, Whitney Cummings paying. I mean, I'm not. There's no way you could possibly there it is right there, kapow! There is. Yeah, that's it. Yes.


Whitney Cummings pig. So she was the first person explained to me that those miniature pigs. Yeah. Not real. No. Right. Yeah. That's proof right there. Right. How little is that pig?


Well, they think they're miniature pigs because they starve them. So people buy this little tiny pig. Oh, this is a miniature is a teacup pig.


Oh, great. Who wouldn't want that, you know. Yeah. To eat it. Right. And it grows to be, you know, Alex Reymundo, about three of them.


And they they he did. And he lives up in Palmdale and he eventually they just got out. And then every once in a while you see him now they have tusks and they weigh 450 pounds.


And, you know, so this place, they recognize him.


Let's finish the story we were on. Which story? The UFO part.


Yeah. Oh, well, go back into the pigs. The Bob Losar documentary is a must see.


I'm directing. You should see it director way. I love you.


Do whatever you want, but the bottom is documentary documentaries. A must see if you're if you're curious and on the fence about UFOs. And I had that guy in here, I talked to him. He gave one of the first interviews that he's given in a long fucking time. And I picked his brain for hours. I'll go back and listen to it. He it didn't seem like a bullshit artist to me.


He there's there's some weird parts of it, but there's always going to be weird parts.


Are you talking about literally back engineering, something that someone from another planet invented and using some technology that we don't understand? And one of the analogies that he had was imagine if you brought a nuclear reactor to the fourteen hundreds and introduced it to them, which 4500 does nothing. Six hundred years ago in terms of the age of the universe, it's a fucking not even a blink of an eye.


I think we should go back to 1868, show me be pretty surprised about a nuclear look.


Let's go to 1936. Sure. Nuclear reactor. That was his his.


Yeah, I get it. Like this technology is it is technology. It's clear that they figured out how to manipulate this element and use it to to bend gravity. And that's the propulsion system. Instead of using something that pushes like a fire that pushes against, you know, the wind and pushes you in a certain direction or propeller that pulls you into a certain direction, instead of that, it bends gravity the way he described. It's like if you put a massively heavy bowling ball in the center of a bed.


Right. It just sunk everything into the bed.


That's basically like a very crude description of what this element does.


And with there this reactor that they have on these spaceships, that it literally bends gravity around and allows you to just instantaneously jettison that that ship into another position. And I say, stop, Joe, I'm getting a bloodletting.


They're draining my blood into a ball to cure something that I think I've got.


Would you say again? Yeah, I think they've been here forever. I think they've been coming down here and observing us and waiting and also coincides with there's a giant jump in sightings right after the Manhattan Project.


Right. So right after we started blowing up bombs, they were like, hey, hey, hey, these fucking monkeys shit.


Let's go visit them again.


They probably got a you know, probably got a news wire. They probably got a Google News alert on their phones, like, oh, Christ, look at these things.


Look at these crazy monkeys. What have they done? What have they done? What have they done? OK. Ninety one. I'm up to 90. What are you down to?


I've done a 50 percent where I'm worried about to try to pull you out of it.


I'm always worried about things that I want to believe. If I want to believe it, I'm always skeptical. Right. Me too.


I don't want to fuck up your delicious tequila with my fresh either. Thank you. Are you going to rent? I'm over here doing a little rent.


I mean, this is the job I've been looking for a maid service.


The only reason why I don't believe 100 percent all the time is because I know I want to believe 100 percent. So I think that I'm full of shit. Thank you, sir. I'm worried about my own desire to believe, right, because when you want to believe something you can, it's easier to you can convince yourself of shit that's not accurate.


It's tricky. Right.


But you know, many things. You know, I was wondering. How Trump got evangelicals to support him and then I read the stories about Falwell Jr. in my head, all makes sense now.


Oh, well, Junior was going he's a of what? I don't see anything wrong with any of it.


And then he told that to the rest of the guys and then, oh, was I laughing so hard? You know, my my parents used to take me to see. God, what's his name, Jimmy Swaggart Swagger. Yes, I remember when he got busted. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.




And I'm like, I am the straightest human being sexually in the world compared to these guys. And I just. But but but when this happened, I laughed so hard because I just started thinking about him pin drop on his shoulder going, hey, you know what, it's I get it.


I get it. Hey, it's Liberty University.


Right. And want freedom. And I was I was just searching for all that information. And then it got to the point where he admitted that his wife had the affair with a pool boy. That's right. Out of a magazine. That's not even true. You know, so but but it is true. And then he goes, but I wasn't there. Watch.


And I'm like, I already don't believe you. I already don't believe so.


It says my wife an affair. But I wasn't there watching. I'm like, wait.


What was that?


What the fuck just happened? Would you say you weren't there watching? OK, whatever. I did not fuck that guy's ping but didn't do it.


Why, why? Why do you bring it up and what are you talking about man. Was that, was that from.


I already don't believe he, I think they're all freaks. Yeah.


I mean all the evangelicals that make all that money.


There's no way the power. Yeah. Power right away they just stop at the money.


I used to do stand up comedy in this in the Sheraton swanky hotel in Clearwater, Florida, which is the same hotel where Jessica and Jim Baker in in the presidential suite up there.


Oh, man.


And you know, and he was the same story, right? It's always the same story. And then Kinnison ended up fucking rise when it was around.


Comes around when she was on Kent Kinnison and her were on Stern together. I think she called in when Kinnison was there and she was Kaminen fucking loser.


Like you're a whore, right? Yeah, I remember. I remember. It was a terrible but the fact that she went from being this lady who fucked this famous preacher to being like this quasi celebrity and this is before reality TV. We've got to remember back in those days, there was only a few of those weird pseudo celebrities. Right.


So maybe the beginning of reality TV. Yeah, in a way on. Yeah, in a way that was the beginning.


Well, you know, Tammy Faye wouldn't blow anymore, right? Probably now.


Not anymore. So we had to get to the dance. Yes, but but she lost it when she was in and she had the eyelashes. Yeah.


It kind of stunk. One day she got afraid of it. Didn't she die from Diet Coke?


I think she's one of the people that they go, yeah, maybe. I think she drank one hundred Diet Cokes a day.


You're talking about like a week ago. I was. What is this like? I hooked up with this girl. What does it say? Jerry Falwell Jr. allegedly caught on tape warning pool boy not to make wife jealous. Why?


This is the one I thought you guys were talking about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That handsome fellow. Yeah, young boy. Apparently, he would watch the young fellow would say that a Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, sit in the corner.


Yeah. And watch. But imagine if there is a point in my life. Well I would have watched her fucking him if I was bored.


And you know, you have to be real bored but. Well for that one. Yeah.


I mean, you have to be real bored unless I mean, unless you like unless you are trying to really corrupt your wife, you know, like I know what I'm going to do.


I'm going to get some guy to fuck her in front of me. And that bitch can't say shit right now on I could do all kinds of wild stuff, like I watched the pool guy fuck you. I was in the right now my arms crossed. I got pictures on my cell phone.


I was watching you suck his dick like this.


Oh, if you want. I mean, if you really want to corrupt someone to the point where they got to leave you alone with all your deviants, that would be one way to do it.


That's probably the best way if you're a woman, because like a one like a woman, cheating on a man for whatever reason seems more scandalous than a man cheating on a woman in general.


And then on top of that, I don't know why it seems scandalous, but it does easy, Joe, because it seems like men cheating in my mind.


It's all dependent upon the person. It's all on the individual. But it's scandalous because it's more scandalous because the man's letting her like there's more threesomes and I'm just pulling this number out of my hat. But I think there's more threesomes that involved the wife or the girlfriend bringing in another woman. Right. Than ever.


Then a guy bringing in another guy. Right. Right. OK, you know, I love my wife, but she wants she wants a bomb.


She wants you to fuck her. So I'm going to watch. That's probably way more rare.


Probably way, way, way, way more, because I have. Multiple friends that have had their their girlfriends, their wives bring home other gals, it seems normal. Now, I had I had a friend that when a friend, whatever, but the first time I met him was playing golf with him and he showed me a video fucking tape of his wife getting banged by a really attractive, huge black guy.


And he didn't even know me. And he goes, look at this. You handed me the camera.


That's my wife, because my wife and I'm like, that's my. All right. Well, could I get a check, please? I got a I'm going to have to go.


Yeah, that's a guy who's he's establishing some very loose boundaries, right? Very, very loose. Very loose for himself, too.


And for your friendship. Yeah, I think I a real weird with that guy. He's already showing you video of his wife getting fucked.


I was thinking that he was trying to rape me into this, but probably and and if I would have done it, then he would have gotten footage of that and then boom, he had liberties with me too.


Yeah. You know, you don't know what I would have done, right? That's what I'm saying.


That's probably how they do it. And there's a lot of like sex is such a weird thing in terms of like what's acceptable to some folks as deviant others.


And I think there's a lot of these people that are evangelical types in particular, especially that probably they can't hold that standard. There's no way. Right. Right. That standard of piousness.


And they're out there speaking God's word, doing it to thousands and thousands of people.


And it's a powerful position which makes women horny, you know, and then you start getting these little opportunities pop up. There would have never popped up if you were down at the First Baptist Church a while.


Warhawk right then. But now you're the First Baptist of the world, and it's probably kind of hot.


Right. And a woman comes up real deeply. Christian woman Jerry Falwell Jr..


I just tell you, I am a woman of God, but there's something about you that brings a fire to my loins.


Next thing you know, next, you know, you're doing coke, right?


In a penthouse. You have a big old glass of red wine porn everywhere. Baby, oh, baby. Crushing up pills. Yeah, what's up, Donald? No, don't sweat that.


Donald Trump's my friend.


I'll call him right now and they're like, why no Donald Trump really Mar a Lago. I got a gold card. Look at that gold card.


See, why else would you be a billionaire?


Why else would you want to party would be all right as you go and fuck are you doing this? Want to be a billionaire? If your bank accounts for your balls are empty, what are you going to.


What is the point man. The way Jamie. My fucking numbers camera. We're oh, it's the aliens. What happens when you talk about them or the televangelists?


Yeah, it's it's as soon as someone is telling you, you know, how to live your life and people are listening, boy, that gets fucking crazy. All right.


What you can and can't do what God wants, right.


Remember that Hick's bit about Jesse Helms and he's to go do something about that. They were interviewing his wife after he died. And she is talking about Jesse's collection of little shoes.


And that's like, oh, well, that's what's so fucked up.


You remember when you used to think that pedophile cults were just some ridiculous conspiracy theory, you know, like, oh, hey, man, there's an island and they fly people out, down.


They fuck underage girls like that. And really going on, Jeff, get out of here with this nonsense.


Meanwhile, Clinton's like, well, he was my friend. We flew a lot less. We flew together. It's not a big deal. He's a good guy.


I played golf with him once and and he told me a joke it was or he set it up as a story. So it was pretty good, you know, and he goes it was a rapper friend that he knows and. And he was in a Maserati dealership and all thugged out and the guy goes, are you thinking about buying one of these cars? And he goes, No, I'm going to buy one of those cars.


I'm thinking about pussy. Yeah, that's an old joke, is it? Well, that an old joke. Clinton's a hack.


Yeah, I hadn't heard it.


So to me, it was just Clinton telling me a pussy love story with the word pussy in it. So. Well, pussy. All right.


You. Yeah. Did you ever pressure to do that? When I got it, I got a few impressions. Yeah, but he's one of my favorite. I had this bit that I was doing for a while. Have you ever thought about I a new Netflix show called Ex Presidents High on Mushrooms. And the whole goal of the show was just to get Clinton. And you don't want to get Bush because he would just start crying. All right.


You know, but but Obama probably he knows how to do mushrooms. Like, he'll probably cool with you like that. Probably wouldn't even be that big a deal. Right.


But but if you can get Clinton high on mushrooms like you just just get that guy to trip balls, right.


He should have been a comic. That's what I think should have been a sax player, you know, should have been a comic. That wiener guy. Oh, yeah.


Anthony Weiner. Yes. Should be comically full blown, dumb enough.


Right. To become a comedian. This just said that his dick out to everybody. He went to jail for sending his dick to underage people, though, right? Right. That's what he did.


But how do you know how old that person is? You know that to be careful, you can only hope careful are you didn't know.


But these fucking perverts and deviants, you know, I see perverts and deviants that are good speakers. I'm like, man, you missed the open mic night.


You're fucked up. You could have brought this to a bigger audience in the wrong business. You're in a business where you get chastised and you lose everything for being who you are instead of like selling out stadiums. Right.


Instead of people laughing, he fucked up, bro, so you're an arena comedian. Right. I used to be for the Great Plague. No, but I mean, that's the you know, the size numbers you draw when you decide to do stand up. Is there coliseums and shit like that? Yeah. Did you ever think that would happen in your life?


I don't think it's happening when it's happening. All right. When you're able to ignore what I'm getting into, well, most of the time I'm hot, right. So when I'm getting introduced, there's a moment where I do not believe it's real and that that that moment is always that's at comedy clubs, that's at theaters, and it's most certainly at arenas. There's a moment where they're like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joe Rogan.


And you walk into a theater in the round and there's 15000 people there, all right? This does not feel real, does not feel real, it never feels real, but I know how to do it.


Yeah, right. Go out and do it like it feels real with them. I've heard that this makes sense. This is normal.


Well, it doesn't make sense. I think when it makes sense, I'm in trouble.


When it doesn't when it doesn't freak me out, you know, that's that's what I'm in trouble. Yeah.


Yeah, it it may you know, when we were doing blue collar, I think the biggest when we did was a little over 20000 at the place where they play hockey and in Nashville. And we'll always have the record for attendance there because we had the smaller stage. Elton John used to hold it, but we had a smaller stage in the middle. Right. So we, like, sell it on his desk all the way around it. And it was packed to the rafters with these huge TV run.


Right. Wow.


And and then afterwards, we go back to the Lowes Hotel and and there's a guy there from a magazine doing interviews.


And my head is so pumped up, I was like, you know, oh, I said some stupid shit. And Foxworthy was just regular, humble, sweet foxworthy. Right. Who never makes a mistake in those kind of ways because that's his nature. Right. Does he get drunk enough?


Right. Yeah, I do. I get plenty drunk to say the wrong fucking thing. And of course, so there were just some really arrogant sounding quotes out of that.


But but how what's my head supposed to feel like after that? You know, after I just walk off stage with 20000 people screaming like like I'm a Beatle or whatever, it's crazy. And how do I calm down from that?


I don't know how you do. I don't know. I've never figured it out. I just I just shake my head and go, wow, is that real?


That's why those rock stars died at 27. You know, they didn't they couldn't figure that out and it happened to them. Young didn't happen to me till I was in my late 40s.


Not only that, it happened to them before it happened. Anybody else before them. Right. There was no rock stars before the rock stars. So before the 50s and the 60s, nobody selling out 25000 seats.


Like, of course, Elvis died in a toilet filled with pills.


Oh, the fuck is he supposed to manage this thing that no one's ever had to manage before?


No ideas, no blueprint. There is none for us.


We could look at, you know, Chris Rock and Richard Pryor and Steve Martin and all these other big acts that came before us and go, OK, how do these guys handle it? Can I talk to them? Can I can I sit down with Louis C.K.? Can I sit down with Dave Chappelle? Will you tell me what it is like? What mistakes do you know? How do you what is it like when you watch it set with booby traps?


And I stepped in every one of them. I mean, there was like I was trying to hit them all over the clock. Clock. Really? Where are they? Everywhere. I put a football.


It's fun when you do it with other people. Chappelle and I did a bunch of gigs and we were supposed to do a bunch more until the covid hit, but we broke the record of the Tacoma Dome. It was 25000 people.


You just said that to be my number of twenty thousand. I just. You had it in my pocket, right?


And here I got I got this.


I'm going to throw it on a D.J. and, you know. Right.


He's like, the whole thing is so crazy. The lights are spinning around and everything. And there's there's a thing that you feel like, first of all, you like.


And Dave said to me right before he went on stage, like, we're hanging out in the back and he's like, not a lot of motherfuckers get to do this.


All right? He was right to the place that he was like, man, like, yeah.


And Dave like me gets fucked up before shows. Right? He's like, I like hanging out with other dudes, get really high before shows because there's something about that wild ride I akin it to.


I liken it to skiing downhill when you're going too fast. Right. You know you're in trouble but you could still do it. Yeah, you make it.


You land at the end, you know, like, whoo, that was dangerous because I really didn't have control of that.


At one point, my comedy career, my goal was to be smoking a joint outside that door, take a big hit, lay the velvet rod white, blow the hit out in their face.


Hi. At one point in time.


And then you did it so many times it was like, all right. Yeah, it's a fun way to do comedy. This is the most fun thing about comedy is not just doing comedy, but doing comedy with other people that are also enjoying doing comedy.


That's why the fucking store so great. Right? I know. That's why we have to recreate that here, my friend.


Well, you know, but you're moving it out to a fucking ranch. Do we all get a ride? We all get to live on the ranch.


You want to set that up? That'd be great. I will absolutely be interested in that.


We all move out to the ranch and I'll set up barbecue chunks of property on the lands just for comics. How about every comic? Every comic that's like a legit headliner gets like a two acre plot of land on the ranch. You got a nice yard. You do whatever you want, build a house for you. Do we got to come up?


We got to do to fuck anybody, but you got to fuck my wife and I want to film it. Who? I got to tell you, I just met her and I'm in. She's hot. Oh God. I had no idea. I mean, I figured she was, but I'd never seen a picture of her or anything. My favorite person, she's so beautiful. And what I lady got a cool personality and.


Yeah, but yeah, you could watch and I wouldn't I wouldn't care why they bring in the pool boy who's got the camera.


Yeah. I don't really want to have a call on a ranch but but I do think it would be fun to have a comedy club out there.


You know, there's this really cool building. It's not too far from your house.


And it's you know, I wish I wish I knew the titles or some of the stuff, but it was a cult and they built a theater right over here, right next to right next to Travis.


You know what? There were we went to see Monte Montgomery that night. Didn't you go with us over there to play the theater? The little fifty six.


Just explain to people that just listen. Sometimes he ask questions to his son Marshall, who's in the room. So it's like who?


Who your uncle. Like, what are you saying right now? He's my memory. Here it is. Jamie's got it.


One World Theater. Yeah. Oh shit.


It's this guy was a cult figure and he built this for him today.


You get a look at the jewelry and look at this abs, right?


Oh, my God. Of course. Yeah.


So this is over by your house and it seats about three hundred and fifty people.


I did a show there the other night. How many people there it is right there. Three fifty. I think it looked like three fifty there. But perfect.


That's the perfect size for comedy club. Yeah it is. Was that guy.


Did it. Well the cult dissolved and now they do occasional shows in it and there's a guy still alive.


Click on him. I don't know. Click on him down there. The lower right hand corner. The bottom picture. That's him. No. And well below. Below it. Below that. The one below that. Below that. Right there. That one. That's him. That's a cool guy. Yeah.


I guarantee. Yeah. There he is. Yeah.


There's something on Netflix that I watch. He just looks full of shit.


I mean this is like this is certain fake spiritual look that's like one of my favorite looks. He looks like he would fuck anybody, any body. I always feel like with fake spiritual women, they're just trying to find themselves.


I give him a free pass. Right. But fake spiritual dudes, my like, you're just trying to fuck and I see what you're doing. You're looking for an angle.


You just try to get it on some lost women. I know what you're doing, bro.


Yeah. Nice abs though, huh. Crazy abs watches diet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.


But anyway, that building is right over by your house and well I don't want a cult building that seems like a I thought you did it.


That's what gave me this idea. You were the one. Bring it up to kill you.


I'm going to do it the right way.


Got out on a ranch, out on the key to a successful cult.


You have no membership. Do whatever you want. You don't have to leave whenever you want. You don't fuck everybody's wife and you don't take ten percent of their money. That's the key. What's the point thing? They're doing it all wrong.


And what's the point? No point. All right.


So the point is just stay slightly drunk and keep moving, right? That's that's the point.


I would like to say, Todd. Oh, you're doing it already? Yeah. Yeah. Micro dosing and slightly drunk.


Yeah. That should be the title of your book. Have you ever written a book that New York Times bestseller. Oh shit. Why I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.


Was No one tied for 15th place, which makes you the number one best seller and for the rest of your life, that's I mean, put it on your fucking tombstone. It's pretty amazing.


And basically was just a they had asked me to do it and I said no. And and then they asked me again and said for this much money, I said, no, I don't have time. I'm not going to write a book. It's not what I do. I'm doing stand up. And I'm doing well because it was after everything was clicking. Right. And then they said, how about we just copy a transcript of your show and put that in there?


And then you just add a couple of stories of like for how much? And they said this much and I said, yeah, all right, let's do that. So and it turns out I had to go on a book tour, which was a pain in the ass and signed books.


But still, it was a New York Times best seller. Congratulations. Yeah, well, I'm also an honorary member of a Harvard Lampoon. Are you really? Yeah. All right, what else? Which was very cool, you really good at Batman? Somewhat that I'm OK at ping pong. I used to be good at ping pong, but it was tricky. Tricky. That's a that's a touchy thing.


You've got to be smart. You got to have a ping pong table in your ping pong all the time. But I was good at 160 pounds. I doubt it at two, 2.5. I don't think I'm that good. I think I've lost some of my twitch. I get it.


It's hard in the knees, too. There's a lot like tennis. When I see people playing tennis, I'm like, man, you only have so much meniscus.


I know. You know, that's Dr. Phil. You know, I play golf with Dr. Phil, but he plays tennis. That's his game. And it keeps his knees so far.


It's a great game. I love playing it. Always good to come out there.


It's amazing how much he sounds like Clinton, but knows a little bit different.


I know it's different, but but but that tennis keeps his knees fucked up because he keeps doing big guy and. Well, he tore a shoulder apart. Pickleball.


He does this. Oh yeah. I've heard of that. They haven't Venice Beach. But like the thing that's pop, it's tennis for old people, but it's popular here in Austin, so you don't have to move as much.


Yeah. How I look at that fact. Yeah. Oh. Oh yes. Hurt his knee too. Yeah.


But see, once you play virtual reality games, this is seems like a stupid waste of time. Well out there playing pickleball, you know, you play like one of them sandbox games. You ever gone to a sandbox. You know, that is. Yeah, it's a virtual reality studio where you go to like a warehouse, they strap you up with a haptic suit.


So you feel when you get hit and you put a helmet on. So you're in virtual reality.


You wear gloves and you you play these fucking crazy games like all kinds of wild games, like like you're on a pirate ship and the pirate ship gets taken over by demons and skeletons are chasing after you. You shoot muskets at the skeletons one here, apparently. Yeah, they do.


I've seen it. I think the original one might have been in Austin. I believe so. But I played it in Woodland Hills out near the old the old studio.


And it's a blast. Oh, my God. It's fucking awesome. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. And it makes you realize, like you were around when Pong came out. Remember when you had a little tour? Yeah.


Yeah. We thought everything that could be invented had been invented. Yeah. So this is uh this is fast forward a little bit. I don't care about these people signing up. I can't. Oh you can't. Oh we don't have all the glitches figured out.


They go through this thing you put on this this thing on your foot and on your hands and the suit and the headgear. And then you go into these rooms and you're transformed into this avatar and you play these wild fucking games. And that was an awesome one. The zombie one is awesome. You're in a house and the house is overcome by zombies and they come falling out of the ceiling, running towards you and you're gunning them down. But your weapons.


Good, you can take them out. Yeah. See their heads explode.


It's fucking awesome. It's amazing. Yeah. You're gonna sit them down and you watch their little zombie bodies get riddled with bullets.


It's amazing. But it's like when you when we're talking about playing pong to the to the like when we were kids and we're first playing that like this is incredible. I'm playing something that's on the TV.


That is what I look at when I look at these games and I say, what is it going to be like in 50 years?


What's it going to be like? Twenty five years? Five years? It's going to be fucking me. It's not going to be pickleball.


I have much right to tell you that.


Pickleball all the way out the fucking door. Yeah, it's going to be awesome.


It's going to be spaceships. And how are you going to be hanging out with Starr?


Because we played paintball, you know, which stings, right?


That's that actually hurts. Yeah, painful, but it's much, but it's also fun as fuck.


But but this looks like this is another version of that in air conditioning. And you you don't have to feel the pain of that paintball hitting the rib.


They have one on one like sword fights. You fight with each other with like modern like crazy weapons type situations. And you like me. My daughter killed me. She killed me in a one on one combat was slaughtered and your little bit.


All right. But it was fun.


The fun games, man. You just imagine what it's going to be like, you know, doing something where you really can't distinguish like you. It's fun.


You're seeing it all. It's wild. The videos wild. You feel it like your chest vibrates when you get hit. It's pretty cool. But imagine what it's going to be like when you can't distinguish it between this and real reality and you get to fuck the thing you're fighting.


That's going to happen, right? Sure. That's next. Oh, that's coming.


The moment they could figure out how to do that, like with this Elon Musk, NewLink, they're doing that at the moment. They could figure out how to tap into your senses to make you really feel like you're having sex with, like, you know, Tara Patrick in her prime.


And I'm talking. All right.


Well, some super hot. What's up, J? You got to watch that one Black Mirror episode. We were going to watch that one day. And I was like, you should watch this at another time. But like, oh, yeah, they set up the scenario where it is. It's two guys playing virtual reality. One's a guy, one's a girl, and they fuck each other and they end up realizing they can fuck each other.


And I like causes this whole fucking chaos of problems, they both have girlfriends, wives, whatever the fuck, and they want to bang each other and they're like, who? Who's going to be the girl, though? Oh, boy.


Oh, boy. That would be the real question, right? If you that's the reason I want to go on living.


I want Brigitte Bardot and me and Sophia Loren back in the day in 66 and. Oh my God. Yeah. Back with Ferrari's that skinny tires.


The old days. The old days. People didn't know. What are you what are you driving now?


I got a lot of cars and a lot of different stuff.


How many. I like that. You know, I got I got the 56 Corvette. Oh yeah. That would have been right. And I was going to drive it up, see.


Yeah. I have that one. That 65 that's 65 is prettier than mine. That's crazy car man.


That's the car that I drive around. I can't believe it's mine. Yeah. I can't believe that's really mine.


Yeah. Yeah. When you bring that up because. Because you know the the parking lot at the at the Comedy Store is a shit show, but it's a shit show between ultra successful comedians who have great cars and guys that haven't had a Netflix special yet. But as soon as they do get one, they get a car and.


Right. And then you got you know, it was never like that.


You know, like that place is filled with like millions of dollars in cars. Now, least it was for the longest.


Yeah, right. Well, the old days it was half the parking lot. You know, it was the but some really successful comics up there. And there's some great comics that hadn't hit it yet. Yeah. All doing shows. But we were there the other day.


There was a Ferrari, three Porsches, a Lamborghini. I was like, this is the craziest parking lot I've ever seen. Like Russell Peters Lamborghini truck was there. And I was like, this is madness.


This this I mean, it's when it was rockin, you know? I mean, when I say this, like the old days, but it was really only seven months ago. Right.


Seven months ago, rockin every night and fun as fuck it was, we were in the golden years.


I mean, really was as far as comedy goes, I've been there since 94. Never been anything like it is now. All right.


Because the Internet that's because of your podcast and Maron's podcast and all the people that feed it are also working there every single night of the week that they weren't touring and.


You know, it bred a place to go have fun, and I think it all stems from them. Their intrinsic nature was always to embrace stand up comedy, and it didn't matter about your insanity. So if you wanted to be crazy, can be crazy here at the Comedy Store and smoke pot right here at our own bar right here. And you could snort cocaine off of this piano shaped fucking thing in the dressing room with the main room.


It's a mirror mirror, a little piano made out of mirrors that was built for prior to do blow off.


And then many people followed in his footsteps and but they embraced that and it made it fun and made comics feel important. Yeah. If you want to smoke pot at the Improv, you have to go stand on Melrose Avenue and smoke it in traffic because they don't give you didn't care like they did it. They didn't understand it the same way they did at the comedy.


The Improv changed a little bit over the years. Well, they got that new they have a new club up there now, but I haven't been in it since it was finished.


Yeah, it's there's something about the store where they realize that the comedians are why the people are there.


Right. Whereas other clubs, that's why the comics park right next to the door and you park where the fuck you can. Yeah. And because you're going to get something that you didn't even pay for when you walk in here. Yeah. You know, you're going to you're going to see Rogen and Cummings and and all the rest of it.


Joey D is just rocking the fucking place has moved to New Jersey.


I talked to him about a man, you know, he's one of the guys that that checks up on me. Yeah.


You know, just to I get a call once a month or every month and a half or whatever from just tell you what Jodi is. How are you? Right here. You got to just checking in on you and you feel like he's doing it because he gives a shit.


He does. You know, he does. And yeah, we were talking about I guess I was like, come to Austin with us. You know, we got to this is what I did. You know, if I had known about the ranch and the two acres, I could have been a mule.


Can we do we get a mule? This was going to happen. Jodi is going to go through one New Jersey winter. Yeah, I realize Joey's been out there with us since six. It doesn't know what winter is. And you know that he's going to go to one of those shitty New Jersey winters and then I'm going to call him up in April.


Mean like Jodi Muhal. Really, Jodi has a Spotify money burning a hole in my pocket. Come on, man. Come on out here. I'll sponsor you. Let's make something happen. I got a club going on. I want you to do a residency. Let's get Rolin come out here and he'll do it. Yeah, I hope so.


I hope so. I have to find out a really bad day.


I might have to fly out there and bend the knee. I'll I'll fly up there with you. OK, let's do it. I'll do whatever I can do. I'm accepting the fact because there's no comedy right now, I'm accepting the fact that he went to New Jersey, but I'm only accepting it temporarily.


That's it's like a big like if you looked at my brain, like if my brain was a circle or a pie, there'd be like fifteen percent sliver get Jeudy. Is that New Jersey.


That's like fifteen percent sitting there, man.


He's listen, he is he's a big factor in all this and in the store and in my career and in comedy and podcasting in general, he's a big factor because he's the party like when Joey Diaz like and especially me and him together because he knows what a fan I am of his right.


So when I'm in the room with him, he knows how much I love him and he can just be free. He can be wild. And he knows that. I think he's the funniest guy that's ever lived. So when he's rocking and rolling and I'm in the room and I'm dying laughing I'm the best audience ever. Right. I love him. Yeah. Yeah.


I just he's just he's such a unique person. He's so he's so unique. I don't know anybody like him. He's so wild and crazy and his stories are so ridiculous.


He's such a crazy person but a good person too.


He's a really smart guy. He's genuinely sweet. I mean he calls to check on me. Who called to check on me, you know. Does that everybody. Yeah. Yeah, I well, I assume he does. I mean, I assume he wouldn't be checking on me.


He's amazing. He's amazing. I love him to death. I just he's got this thing. He came from Jersey. He wants to go back to Jersey. That's good. Let me get that out of your system. Do one winter there. All right.


I'm going to be I'm going to fucking be I'm going to take a picture on a canoe, like on Ladybird Lake, kicking back with, like, a marguerita go. Joey, what do you do? Any digging yourself out of your fucking driveway.


Come to Texas and Texas. Joe, we got a club.


I can't do anything until I open up the club. And once I open up the club, then I'm going to start then and start calling people. But Tim Dillon, he's going to come out here. Hinchcliffe wants to move out here. Red Bean wants to move out here. Yeah, we're going to get a bunch of them out here.


And once we have a club, then, I mean, it's we'll put up the bat signal and I'm just going to my my goal for a club is not to make any money. My goal is to break even and have everybody paid well. And just just just just like let's establish community and let's do a thing in Austin, like we were doing in L.A. We're we're basically just working on the art and having an awesome place where people can come to see great comics fuck around and work on material.


And because of the podcasts and because of us talking about on the podcast, I think they understood what the store was for.


They understood exactly was our hub. Right. It was our our our home. And that we all we come like with a guy like you and a guy like me and you like we don't necessarily work together. You know what? You work at your places and then I work at my places. And the only time we get together is in a club where we're working on material or is your headlining in these big fucking places. And I'm going off these other places and we need a place or that's like a hub, like a home base.


And that's what the store was for us.


But I think the stuff that's created because of comics, you know, that's the reason when I played the store or the factory or the Improv where I played all of them or the over Pasadena ice house, I would never, ever let anybody come with me, not whatever woman I was with, not any friends that I had.


I would not let anybody go with me to those shows because I didn't want to worry about it. I wanted to go there and be a part of the comedy community. Yeah.


And not to be bothered by anything else. It should be my time to recharge, relax, talk to people who have chosen the same exact path I've chosen in life, and those are rare, but they're gathered.


Yeah, right. And we have access to them. And that's why I live so close to their you know, I lived a mile and a half, I guess, from if I didn't have kids.


I live right next door to that place. Right. Well, you could have had another room, you know.


So the so that and that's what was so precious in drawing, you know, to me about it is that I got to go talk stand up comedy, tell jokes, laugh so hard I couldn't breathe and be around comics.


Yeah. Just in. And, you know, I always kept it to myself, you know, that was always my thing. Yeah. You know, not not me bringing people to see me or my manager. Fuck you, dude. Don't you come see me in a big show when I'm not trying new shit, you know.


Yeah. Yeah I know. Because if I'm eating it on stage and and I have a friend in the audience, you know, they feel horrible. I don't you know, it's not me that feels bad, it's them. And I feel bad for them.


Feeling bad. I'm like, sorry, you know, fuck, I knew it. I knew it wasn't going to work.


I've had the same manager since I was an open microphone. Wow. Yeah, my manager found me. And Boston in nineteen ninety seven, ninety one, yeah, I was basically just just scratching out a living. I would get a few paid gigs, but I was basically a beginner, you know, I'd get paid gigs every now and again, but I wasn't. Were you still shooting pool for money?


No, I started doing that after I tore my ACL. I hurt my knee and I had to rehab my knee and I had to get knee surgery. And I was hanging out with my friend John. And we would go to the executive billiards in White Plains, New York, as I'd moved to New York to do standup, because I met my manager in Boston and he flew me out to New York and or brought me out to New York. And I lived there for from then now.


And I would go to this pool and I started seeing there was a I got just stumbled into it, just blind luck.


It was a pool hall where there's a lot of gambling, like high stakes game. I saw 10000 dollar pool game. Wow, how fun. Wild, wild shit.


People gambling and bet money and yelling. And all the while everyone is back in the day when you could smoke. So the whole place is filled with smoke.


And it was like a different kind of deviance that was real similar to the deviants that I had experience with comics and also the deviants that I experience with fighters, because I had you know, I grew up in in martial arts. I grew up around fighters. And they were a different kind of deviant. And then then I'm around these pool hall deviants. I mean, I realize there's there's there's a bunch of different clusters of people that didn't accept the society standards they like, I don't want to live like that.


I don't want to do what these people are asking me to do.


I want to live in a in a free way. You know, I want to be vagabonds. I mean, a lot of homeless people that I became friends with, you know, I got homeless guys would sleep on my couch in my apartment, like guys who would just pool hustlers. They would come, oh, they didn't have anywhere to stay. They would sleep underneath the tables at Chelsea Billiards in New York because it was a 24 hour show.


When your manager found you, what were you doing? I was driving limos. I had quit fighting by then and I had quit even teaching.


So I was teaching at Boston University. I had taught an accredited class in taekwondo at Boston University. And I that was that was that was when I won the U.S. Open. I had won a bunch of different like like national and regional taekwondo tournaments. And I was basically taekwondo instructor and fighting and I was trying to make the Olympic team.


But along the way I started kickboxing and I realized that taekwondo had all these fucking holes in it. And then I realized that kickboxing was giving me brain damage. So sparring a lot. And I was getting a lot of headaches. And I was like, I think I might be racking my brain. And then I quit doing stand up or quit fighting, rather. And I started doing stand up. And I took on all these other jobs because I didn't want to shorts.


I didn't want to shortchange my students. So I stopped teach because I wasn't I just wasn't into it like I was before. I was obsessed with standup.


So I quit my school. I quit teaching at BYU. I and I was driving limos and I was working for a private investigator. I was driving him around. He lost his license in a DUI. To this day, one of the funniest people I ever met, Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan, was one of the funniest fucking dudes ever met in my life, as we call themselves.


They call him.


He would call me up. He'd go Smokin Joe. It's Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan.


And he remained my friend to the day he died a few years back. Of cancer, unfortunately, but he remained my friend to the date. Well, actually had had a bunch of medical issues. He had a stroke wash.


It went bad, but great dude, but remained friends with them to the day, died. But he was literally one of the funniest people I ever met that never, never did stand up.


And what's funny is his cousin was Bill Downs, who was one of the owners of the comedy connection.


And so just randomly, I fucking took I answered an ad, you know, we're talking about 1988. I answered an ad in the newspaper. Someone was looking for an assistant for a private investigator. I was like, oh, that's a good job, and being assistant to a private investigator, that sounds exciting, but really he needed a driver because he lost his license on a DUI.


So I was driving down to my dickless Dave Dolan around and we would catch people mostly.


It was mostly insurance scams, mostly people that were, you know, like they were getting disability insurance and they were still working on the side. We catch them doing that. But occasionally it was like some guy wanted. There was one one guy that day was falling around. One guy who's his he had this wife that just kept fucking this bodybuilder.


And he would they would get pictures of this guy plowing on this girl. And the guy was like, OK, we'll keep following her. He's like, hey, you sick fuck.


He goes, I gave you the pictures. He goes, I'm not fucking. He goes, This guy wants pictures. He wants the pictures. He's asking me to keep following. I got pictures of this guy. Fucking your wife. We're done. Done, buddy. I want you to meet the guy. I mean, he was such a Boston like an Irish Boston character.


And he was I mean, he's a private investigator. Never wanted to do anything else. He loved it, loved it, loved catching people.


Yeah. There was a guy at my golf club in Atlanta. There was a private investigator and and our our assistant pro ended up going to work for him. We had these two to two really big guys, both named. Was it, Jason, they were the two Jasons and one of them ended up being Colford, you know who that is?


Ford. It sounds like your character, Tom Selleck.


I know it's he was a country rapper.


And and I, I he's teaching me how to hit.


There is code for I, I get him and he looks like Joe Prader.


Yeah. He told me we're hitting balls and he had a PGA Tour card for eight years. He's an amazing guy really down.


And he, he in his show is fantastic and people love it. Confliction shirt on.


Right. There's a few pictures of me out there. Yeah. It's very unfortunate back in the day.


But but I'm hitting balls. He's working on my game and he goes, I'm really a rapper.


And I was like, can I get a check on one of those other?


I have a lot of can I get a check in my life and never really spoke to him again on a serious level. But he I was going to do The Tonight Show and I knew that.


Oh, God, I can't believe I can't think of his name. My brain's been just skipping so bad today. But anyway.


Who was it? It was on that show, one of the biggest rappers, Kid Rock now. No, no, no, not a black guy. I've been around forever. Renderos Cornrows, ol dirty bastard.


Now the cornrows dinner around. Jamie, I'm looking at you follow black Twitter. How about that? I could like no more famous than you can even imagine.


And remember that now we can find the day you're on tonight on more famous than Lil Wayne.


Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Kendrick Pneuma. Snoop Dogg. Oh, right. Jesus Christ. You can remember Snoop Dogg. Fuck, I know.


Holy. You know what? I thought it was like some obscure. No, no, no. I told you it wasn't. I said famous. More famous than you can imagine.


Snoop Dogg. Well, that's about as famous as you can imagine.


So he gave me a CD and he said, could you just give this to Snoop Dogg? And I was like, no.


Put it in my pocket. And I didn't, of course.


And but my wife at the time, it was she was four point seven million wife said it's really good.


She listened to it. I never did. And I'm like, and the next time I see him is on the cover of Pollstar magazine. Whoa.


And I'm like, Really? And so he would tour with these big country acts because he could teach them how to play golf. And the crowds loved his fucking country rap. And then a lot of these guys started implementing that in their songs and it was all because of him.


And and then he wrote some huge hits for other artists that had a rap country background to it.


Well, he he created it and he ended up making a lot of money and but he was the pro. Why was I telling you the story to begin with?


I'm not a rapper or rapper. Golf. No, no. We had past there.


There's no way you could figure it out if I can't figure it out because I was the one go in there. Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolen.


No. Yeah, right. Private investigator.


Private investigator. Right. So but it was the other Jason. Oh, it was the private investigator there too. So. OK, but one of them ended up, you know, really, you know, really good sized country act that made a lot of money in publishing. And that was him. And he was my assistant pro. He still plays in all the Pebble Beach AT&T stuff with with Larry the game.


That's pretty wild. Some would be that good.


Yeah, no, he was apparently I didn't give it a chance, you know, and even to this day, I've never really got one of those games where you can be like ranked number 20th and be a multi multimillionaire.


Oh, yeah. Ridiculous. Yeah. What are you just balling out of control? And most people don't even know who you are. Yeah. Eastlakes going on today. So the big the guy that wins this week, the prize purse is 15 million. Where's that?


At least like in Atlanta, Georgia. Oh, yes.


Look, I know well, I'm saying it's like I'm just telling you, you know, I'm just like, yeah, it's like, well, you know.


OK, well, OK, I'll give you that, you know.


You don't know. I don't know anything. I guess I'm a professional sports commentator. That's one of my side gigs and I don't even know the rules to most sports. Yeah.


That you know, that's the weird thing, is that people don't people just think of you as famous. I mean, my son was a huge Fear Factor fan the first. And you came back and did fear if I were just talking about it and then but a lot of people don't know. You do the other thing, right? Oh, the guy from me, man, you know the guy.


But most people I would venture to say, don't know. You do stand up more than they know you do other things. I just know.


So you're most famous for you're right. The contest is probably the most famous thing I'm for.


And of course, of course, now because it's gotten to this weird place. But yeah, it's a I do a lot of shit, but I tell people they're like really easy.


Good in my rogard as a comic because I only see you as a comic.


I don't see you as the voice of him. I don't see you as anything but a comedian, you know, because that's what I watch you do. You know, I'll I'll watch a fight, you know, and I love it if you're comedy. If you're not, it's not that interesting. And we were talking about that earlier. You know, if Rogen doesn't say it, it's not worth saying, you know, didn't you get heard any OMYA, you know, a mixed martial?


Emem I don't know. It's I know what I'm telling you.


I don't know that much about it. Like, you don't know much about golf. I don't know anything about it. All I know about Joe, the comic I watch go on stage at the at the store and just rip the good out of these crowds. And it's so much fun to watch that. I don't really think about the rest of it. Like I said, when I first I did your podcast, I had no idea.


Well, I like doing a lot of different things. I don't think I'd be the same person if I think I have a unique mental illness that I need to be constantly stimulated with different challenging things. And if I'm not, I then I make problems for myself, you know, then addictions and weirdness.


And I'm the person that needs to I need to have challenges all the time. I need puzzles. And you have things to solve. I need to have stuff to do. Yeah. That's my unique mental illness. Like, so when someone says like why do you do so many things? Because I like being happy like me. Insane. Like if I, if I don't I just figured it out over time in my life that if I don't have things that challenge me, like if I don't get up early and work out if I don't do something that's hard to do, I'm not the guy I can't sit around.


And that's, you know, that shit bothers me. You can wake up with nothing to do every day.


That's why I've settled into this retirement.


I got to tell you, I've not hated the last six months of my life when I had nothing to do at all.


Not even think of this is the first thing I had scheduled to do and a half a year. And I went and I was a little resentful of it this morning and it was raining. And I'm like, I got to go do something, you know, I got to go do something. That's the first time I made a commitment. So if I tell you, I'll do it. Of course I'll do it right.


I'll get there early a day. We're here. Yeah, great days and all week.


But but yeah. But outside of that, I've enjoyed this time off. But I'm also older, you know, I'm older and I've you know, you know, I am I'm at a retiring age, you know that. I've kind of settled into it going this is not that bad.


My wife taught me how to go on vacations. I wasn't good at it. Yeah. I needed to learn how to just accept the fact that I was just not going to do anything and just have fun and be on the beach and just drink and just relax and just swim and do whatever the fuck you do on beaches.


But I've gotten good at it now. I'm better at it than you.


Yeah, well, I'm better at it now. I'm a beginner. I used to think of it is like I see some pictures of you MacGraw out and I Karbo with no shirts on going. What the fuck's going on here, you know, having fun.


Yeah. Well, you know what I learned? I learned how to relax. Sometimes you think I used to think that if I took time off I was losing progress. This is all psycho. And yeah, I'm like, I'm losing, I'm losing. I'm going to get I'm going to get out of shape of my my martial arts is going to slip. My comedy is going to slip all the I'm not going to be doing podcast that's going to slip.


I had this sickness that way. Then I realized. That is a healthy per the happier and healthier I am as a person, the better I am and all those other things. So the more time I'm hanging out and just having fun, if I can do that and just recharge, then when I come back, I'm better. So every time I've come back from a vacation, I've been more enthusiastic. When I'm more enthusiastic, I'm always better at everything I do because there's more there's more positive energy, more appreciation, you know.




And so that's how I look at it. So I haven't I haven't hated this time off. I don't like what's going on in the country. I hate what's going on with the country.


I wish I miss the days when people could just disagree. Yeah.


I mean, it's the truth in that to truth. I mean, we can all go privately into a voting booth, vote for who we vote for in the next day. We wake up and see who's president, you know, and no fight was necessary. We all did what we were put here to do, which was to to go vote. And and after that, you just accept it and and go on change what you can. If you can.


If you can't just fucking go on with it.


I haven't hated it either, but I also like you.


I'm probably a little further along in life that than I'm like, you know, I don't really feel like I did so much of it. Maybe that was enough. Maybe it was well.


But if you're going to build a fucking ranch and I get two acres and a mule and I'm looking for acres and a mule because I was going to mule for I guess you heard it.


Write it down, everybody write it down for it or whatever you want, whatever you want.


We'll make it how I want to plow with a seat on it. That's what I want. I got a plow with a seat. That's what I want.


The idea is just to do something crazy and have fun and already done that by moving out here and they're just packing up.


That was murdered. I was a bizarre move. You know, it's like bizarre moves, right?


Don't don't don't like joke that can't still surprise you.


You know, I like doing things you're not supposed to do. I like doing like I like doing things like this, like just fucking pack up the whole thing and doing it right when we're moving to Spotify. Right. So it's this big, crazy deal. And then there's always controversy like that.


Looked like a tax dodge in the. You it's a little bit of that for sure. I definitely don't like paying that much in taxes.


I can't I can't tell you how surprised and thrilled I was to hear you were going to move to Austin and be my neighbor, because I'm I'm out of I'm out of L.A. I'm selling the house. Yeah. And Beverly Hills. And and I'm like, oh, God, this is going to work out fine.


We're going to have fun out here, man. We can have a lot of fun out here. Yeah, I think so.


And I really like your vision of the of the Austin comedy scene to come. And you know what? There's also a lot of really good stand up comics in Austin for sure.


Always have been there. They flourish and these open mike nights and I know they're listening to this conversation right now going, I want to help them. I want to I want to get my five years in to get my husband. Yeah.


I just I really do. I want to help them. I want to help them the way I've tried to help a lot of up and coming comics in L.A. and get them on the podcast, promote them. And the idea is if we open up a club, when we open up a club, I should say, is to have these local guys come in and pump them up, let people know that there's a real senior there and.


Yeah, and help them and help them help them flourish and help not just Austin comics, but everywhere, you know, bring them into this place and have this be a hub. The only reason why L.A. is a hub is because of a The Comedy Store and B, Hollywood.


And I came to Hollywood because I had a TV deal. But really what I wanted was to be at the store that was Mecca to me. And I had heard about it when I was in Boston. But when I came to the Comedy Store, Ninety-four was a shithole. I mean, the comics are terrible. So every now and then Martin Lawrence would show up or Damon Wayans or Don Ereira or Dice Clay. But for the most part, it was a lot of Botox.


It was a disaster. There's a lot of people that just have old, terrible jokes. And it was just I was like, this is the store. It was very disappointing.


But the the place itself drew people, drew people there. You knew that that was the place where the real comics went and they made a career out of it.


But this world is different now. Like for a comic, if you get a television show, it's actually like, oh, you poor bastard like you, you could have had a podcast.


You could have been OK. You could have been your own boss, right? You could have.


I mean, and now a lot of comics are realizing they don't even want ads anymore. They just want to do Patreon. They want to just have have podcasts and put them out either for free and have, you know, get YouTube ads or there's a lot of people trying to figure out what's the best way to be free.


But for sure, the best way to be free is not to be connected to the Hollywood machine because the Hollywood machine is all woak now and it's completely ridiculous and everyone's full of shit.


And we're not actors, man. We're different things. All right. You know, it's cats and dogs living together. We're fucking different things. You know, we can act. We can do it. We both have. Yeah, but the reality is, you're a cop. I'm a standup comedian. Yes.


And I am as well. And there's a lot of us. There's a lot of us. And we don't need that machine. What we need is a machine that we create ourselves. And we did that a lot. One of the reasons why the store works so well over the last few years, because it was fueled by podcast.


Yeah, fuelled by vodka. Fueled by everybody. Like I would tell people, hey, you got to see this kid, Frank Castillo. He's hilarious. Tony Hinchcliffe, this guy's coming up. Joey Diaz, the funny guy over Ron White's the baddest motherfucker that ever lived all these people. And we would all talk about these people and tell these crazy stories and then everybody would remember and then they would come. And we were they were they had international tourism to the Comedy Store.


People were flying in from Ireland and Australia.


They should have been and they should have been. Right. Because that's how good those shows were. They would come in on a Tuesday and see one of the craziest lineups you've ever seen in your fucking life.


Yeah, when I was in one and you've got a million of these stories, and it was it was you and Louis C.K. and Bill Burr and Madness and and and me.


And it was just crazy.


Oh, this is madness. Just fucking crazy madness in one show. Fourteen fucking dollars. It's magic. You know how much it cost to put on that show and the range. Nothing. Zero.


Yeah. We're doing it for charity. The charity I that's the idea is to do something at the ranch. We build a theater with the concerts for charity and then have a club in town.


Yeah. Oh I a satellite club. A lot of these places on Sixth Street are going to go under unfortunately. Unfortunately there's a lot of places that are going to go under because no one can work, you know, and I would love it if they all stayed open. But some we're not going to be able to. And so we'll scoop on it.


There's yeah, there's going to be opportunities for you to put something in this town. It'll matter. Hey, let me make a promise to my brother. I'll be there to support it.


You know, he would if I don't to her anymore, I'll come to the club.


Isn't this exciting talking about it really. You know, fuck it is fucking hiding, right?


Yes. That's why I'm here. I like you. Citing things, all the things I'm interested in are exciting, I like bow hunting, I like stand up comedy, I like fighting. All these things are exciting things, like exciting things. And I think I can do something here that's exciting.


I like smoking pot and watching cartoons and doing stand up. I like smoking pot. Freaking out. That's what I like.


I would get nervous. I do my one of my favorite things about smoking pot is being paranoid. Yeah. People the people get terrified of and they run away from. It's one of my favorite parts of being high.


I was I was nervous about coming and doing this show. Really why? I was telling my son, I said, I don't know, I haven't felt nervous. I can walk on stage at Radio City Music Hall, you know, doesn't flutter my butt is what I do. And I'm ready to do it, prepared to do it.


And I haven't even thought about interacting with anybody for you half a fucking year, you know? And so, you know, it's your new place and you're in town and but he goes, Dad, he's your friend. He'll put you right on through to the other side, which, of course, you know, we did we already we're through the other side, 315.


We're beautiful. It's beautiful. Perfect. It's wonderful. We're covid tested clean.


Fuck. Yeah. You know, the funny thing is that I took the antibody test and then the nose swab. And so the antibody test said you've never had it, but you might have it. So I had to do the nose swabs all morning for two days.


But the nose swab, the thing about the antibody test is two indicators. One of them is whether or not your body is currently fighting the virus. Right. So there's one is whether or not you beat the virus in one, whether you're currently fighting the virus. So, you know, you're not currently fighting the virus. I feel good.


So according to the doctors, a very low possibility that you have it. And then we we eliminate that with the swab. Right.


But not before you and I hug. I don't give a fuck. Right. I take vitamin D, I'll be coughing. I'll give you a hug. Right. And a covid a little bit, but I just can't see myself for a couple of weeks.


Eat vitamin D gummies, right? All right, tell me which vitamin D you want me to take. I just want you to take five thousand. I use a day minimum. That's what you should be taking. It's not that much. And when I have these vitamin D gummies that are true all the time, there's like I think you take three of them. It's 5000 I use. It's not a big deal or small gummies. It tastes good.


It's easy to do.


Is there any carbs in them? Because I'm watching my car, there's probably like one gram of carbs. No, they're probably gelatin now. Right. That's that's Hausswolff, right? Yeah, it's yeah. It's it's basically fingernails. Right. And hair. Yeah.


It's good for protein. Collagen. Yeah. Not bad for you.


So I mean a good relationship. I really. I know you tell me we'll go out to eat. That's exciting. Yeah.


It is exciting because you're always in these train wrecks. Right. And you know she's really, really, really pretty. She's my age and and I think that's important.


Yeah. I've I've never chased young women too much, you know that too much. Or they but she's a she she she came down, we started hanging out in the covid thing, but we'd seen each other before and and and one night we go out to ATVs and we had this really nice table. She had these great.


Oh yeah. That's a great old school place. Right. So we have this really cool table in the bars, these two people. It's really cool. I'll show you the seat. You'll take your wife there on her big night, so. And she's got a long black dress, I'm wearing a jacket and, you know, we go back to my condo, which is a really nice penthouse with these gorgeous views. And she her son and was a grappler and her and his her grandson is a grappler.


And she was a gymnast. And she said for whatever reason, she wanted to fight, I think I can take you down.


Oh, no. And of course, that's how you break a hip. I laughed so hard that I couldn't she probably could have taken me down because she's five foot one gymnast, right? She's a little bitty. And I said, no, I could I would never, ever hurt you for any reason. So if you want to come beat me up, come beat me up. But if I didn't care about hurting you. I could throw you into that table because you're little and I'm big.


Right, right. Then she attacked me and she did. She came at me, shoved me back. And I mean, a gymnast that does uneven parallel bars wrong.


Like a champ, like a championship. She was on me and my center legs spread and pushing me back. And I was like, from now on, I'm only going to fuck women I could kill.


All I want to do, I'm going to say, let's listen to determine whether or not I could I'm not ever going to do it right.


I would never hurt a woman much, but I would like to, I understand, have the option if they went nuts and just jumped my ass to be able to fuck and beat it off and, you know, live, you know, and provide and all those things that a man needs to do.


I got a buddy of mine who got obsessed with jujitsu when he dated a girl who was a black belt. And they sparred and she tapped him easily. And he was like, what the fuck? So he became obsessed with it because his girlfriend fucked him up right in defending himself.




Well, jujitsu is one of the rare martial arts where a woman really can kill you like 100 percent legit. You know what?


It's the same reason I don't have a pet lion. That's I just don't need it in my house. I understand, right? I don't need it in my house. Yeah, I get it. Don't take it the wrong way, ladies. I'm just saying. Yeah.


All those killer ladies out there like fuck. Right.


What went wrong with me? I thought I had them tell you now. No plan on cornering them. Right.


But I mean, I know that you can still share in Bobbit my ass. Right? You can still wait till I fall asleep in the rain. Right. Lauraine about it. Was it the rain.


Rain about it. Yeah. John, Bob and Lorena Bobbitt cut off his dick. Yeah. Cut his dick off oversleeping and then he stitched it back on.


It did pawn right. How good was that.


So in job. Not good it was. Think about how good I would suck it up. Really. It didn't look good. I didn't see you.


Like what you guys go down the rabbit hole. You look at the I don't do any of that stuff. I watch porn on my fucking iPad. That's all I do. I don't go any deeper than that previous great porn too. So, you know, it didn't look that good to begin with.


No. And it never really got hard. It was always a mess.


Right. You sliced it off and threw on the side of the road and had to wait a while before they found it. And then they had to dust the dirt off of it. Darkness and darkness, right? Yeah, I just don't need that in my life.


I don't need it in my life either. But I've had it in my life. I've seen a lot of things I shit in the scene, but if someone sends me a link, I'm like, all right, you're going.


Let's see. Let's see what's up. Somebody was out of the house. No, it wasn't. I was at the radio station in New York and the guy was showing me he got a video of a guy fucking a snake.


And I'm like, OK, all right.


Can I get a check, please? Fucking snakes. That's going to be the name of my next mouth.


No, no, the check the snake pussy. He has got a big anaconda. Wow. OK, I'm sorry I even said it. I'm sorry you said it as well.


He's he's fucking a snake.


Can you can you pull that up. I can. All right. All right. Could I just say let's not show it, but let me just just show you. I guarantee there's many people before him.


The people just go down to Kujo Rat Hole, you know, and. Yeah, they definitely do.


Yeah. And if you can name it, there's a guy who's fucked it. Oh yeah.


Blender's guy's a fucking Callender's. Yeah, right. Tables. Chairs. Right. That's why I don't bawls anyway.


It doesn't matter. I'm not going to go there. That's the problem with the internet.


You find out. You mean everybody knows someone who's a fucking moron, but you don't realize how many of them there are until you really go online and start searching.


You know, I was sitting in I was having this place worked on or a library. I'm staying down there. Van Zandt has of people come up comics that I've known for years. And one of them starts telling me a story about Hillary Clinton and her pedophile ring. And I'm like, what?


And this is probably three years ago.


And and how the pedophiles, the far left, right, left wing, there's a pedophile thing. And I'm like, what are you talking about?


And it was early Kuhnen stuff.


It was those same conspiracy theories that are coming out now.


I was here in those three years ago and I thought it was just one person's word. You go to learn this behavior. You know, we all behaviors learn, right? For sure. We're all a product of our environment.


Like what environment did you put yourself in that made you think that this is true when, you know, the other day.


There were four of us playing golf and all four phones hit an Amber Alert at the same second. Yeah, and everybody knew exactly what hit as we picked it up. And I think there's a missing kid somewhere. And that's a beautiful fucking thing, right? And but but now there's these pedophile rings and Tom Hanks is what the fuck?


I don't think the Tom Hanks thing is true. I think there's a lot of people that are just really dumb and they get involved in conspiracy theories and they believe everything. And there's a lot of people out there that are sowing misinformation is a bunch of Russian trolls and bot accounts and a lot of chaos and sowing seeds of doubt in our democracy and life in general and trying to tell you that all the elites are fucking lizard people that are running things behind closed doors with Satan.


But for sure, there's guys out there that have fucked a lot of young girls, that's for sure. Yeah. And that's what that Eppstein shit's all about. And that's what's so spooky about it, was that it's prominent politicians and scientists and celebrities and they all flew out to fuck Island and it's real. Right. And then when the guys in custody with fucking security cameras and the whole deal, he he hangs himself in a way that's physically impossible.


Yeah, yeah. And everybody's like, well, oh, no more need for further investigation. So unnecessary if there was anybody else involved in any other thing and they died in that way, we would look deeply into it.


But they've basically just just tried to let it go past in the news cycle to the point where no one's thinking about it anymore.


Well, you know, the interview that Prince Andrew, right? Yeah, it was there. You see that interview when they have you on him.


And the reason he thought he could pull that off is because for years he's been royalty. Right. So everybody around him, we're just. Yes, man. So he's got footmen and whatever. They're all going. Oh, exactly.


Rassa Oh, no, I can't believe someone would make these kind of accusations against you. That seems like normal behavior.


Exactly. How are you?


And but turns out the news people weren't those people at all. Right. And how do you not see that coming, you idiot motherfucker?


Because he's an idiot motherfucker.


The only reason why he's in that position at all is because one of his uncles fathered one of his aunts and then. Yeah, right. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. And then there you are. You means bloodline thing.


It's not like an earned position because you've really worked really hard to get there. You don't become a prince because you've kicked ass.


You're right. You kicked Prince ass and for years you even get a Ph.D. in Princeton.


Now you became a prince for your whole life, man.


No child. Oh, absolutely.


So how about that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle isn't that crazy?


Like, it's crazy. It's on the news feed every fucking day. It's important. Everything they do. It's important. It's important to everyone left the castle.


We have to go. Why did they do.


It's crazy. I can tell you why the United Kingdom.


Because there's no way you could bring an outsider into that world and have them do anything.


Oh, they signed a mega Netflix deal, but they. Netflix. What are you doing? I don't. Have you learned Netflix? You've made some big booboos. Stop it, Netflix. If you think about making decisions like this, call me up first.


Me? No, I'm talking to Netflix. Oh, I'll get them high and I'll pull them aside and listen. This is not going to work. You're going to spend a lot of money right now, just like by another Ron Wyden special.


Okay, that's what I'm talking about.


Yeah. What these people are is like they're good for snippets in the news. They're good for you. Look at the Google News feed. Like, what are they doing?


Oh, they're they're extradited from the kingdom. No one cares about them anymore.


I think you're 100 percent wrong. I think they people will watch this crap no matter how bad it is.


If it's connected to this guy and this woman, people will watch it and they will continue to fucking go, oh, my God, look at the Kardashians.


You know, not a talent one in any of those people.


Wait a minute. Did you watch her sex tape? Are you talking all this shit? Did you watch her sex tape? No, we should have. Then you wouldn't be saying she doesn't have any talent.


Really was a good. Very good. Oh, yeah. There's a yardstick. I watch that Paris Hilton lame little.


I think I think that family all bullshit side no jokes is the mother is very skillful in the way she's managed them. That's what it is.


Well something about it because nothing works better than this. You know, I was doing a show at the opera or the bop, bop, bop, bop mirage.


And they had that little Cardassian T-shirt shop. Yeah. Right there, as you remember that one of the ones you haven't even heard of was going to be there.


And there was a line 300 yards long to get to this what's now a soap shop.


And I walk by that. That's where I work. I'm there ten weekends a year more than anybody, and that's my place. And I stay in a villa right back there. And and one day I walk in there, I'm just looking around the car. I want to see what you got. You got towels with cameras like this and stuff on it.


And they said, sir, you can't come in here with a beverage. I'm like, do you think I'm going to spill a Coke on your towel? OK, I think you. But anyway, they made me leave and they fucking made me leave and quite frankly, well, it's they've figured out a way to keep people interested and keep people talking about them.


And yeah, I just to do one of those, that's how good they are. I just got through doing it.


Yeah. We're helping them and then the mother to. But, but here's the thing about Kim. She's done some legitimate, amazing work in getting people out of jail that were wrongly accused.


And that's why I don't make fun of her anymore, except that thing I said about her sex tape.


But other than that, I thought you were saying something really nice about her sex tape. You condition that you were saying, I felt like that to you at it. Thank you very much.


But she's really done a lot of, like, legitimate good to help people get released from prison that were wrongly accused. Well, you know what?


The problem that I think is sometimes I talk about things and I don't know jack shit about him. I just make up a funny thing to me, too. I had and then later I ended up going, well, fuck, really? I didn't know she did that. Me too. But I did.


I saw the woman that she helped get out of prison and I thought that was a yeah.


We've had a couple of guys from the Innocence Project on here. I love the innocence. I love this series. No, it's it's amazing. And she's a douche bag.


The guy that was doing that to my fucking was I got him. If it was on that he was convicted people from Tooth O to buy him.


Yes, it doesn't work, but there wasn't a bottom imprint. And there he was sentenced to prison and let the other guy that was killing kids go free. Yeah. See that it was a good.


Well Josh Dubin, who's one of the guys, has been on this podcast before. He has a podcast called Junk Science.


It's about the Innocence Project, about wrongly convicted people because of junk science, about like bite marks.


There it is, wrongful conviction, junk science, bite mark evidence. And this is this is Josh Duban, who's been on the podcast before.


That guy made me cry like a baby, told me some stories about people getting out of jail that were I wasn't trying to make you cry, but I could have, you know, but I just chose not to, OK, I took I'm taking it a different direction, threatening me.


I'm not threatening Joe.


I'm just saying that if I wanted to make you cry right here in public like you were crying that night in private, I mean, you dare to tell me about Austin.


Where am I going to go? Come with I don't know if I could live in Texas, but I have to move everything. But I have to move. But it's too hard. I'll be there. I was already there. I was always so fucking thrilled. I mean, I was when you heard the news coming out of my fucking voice the day I found out that Joe is coming to town and like and then I write, you know what?


I knew Jay was coming, but I don't know. I don't know if he's really coming because nobody I talked him into it. Somebody's mom, nobody selling their property over there.


They're just getting a place over here is probably there eventually.


I'm like, come on, man. What am I you are you going to sell if I sell my place?


Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I'm staying here. I like it a lot. I felt I felt real comfortable. Real quick. Real quick. I've been here a little over a week.


Right. I fucking love. Right. Your brand new you're near and looked all right. You got a studio. I'm all set up. You've got a bad ass studio.


I got jet skis. I think you could have built it in an Airstream. You know, the money that could have. Right, right. But it's moved it around.


You know, I feel like this is a better spot for me. And again, it's like practicing what I preach. I don't think we need to be connected to that machine out there. That Hollywood machine is.


Well, we know you don't. Nobody does. Right? They don't have bandwidth. Right. It's the same thing. You could do it from anywhere. It's that you could do it from anywhere.


But it's also what really serves the comics. What really serves the comics is the podcasts industry. The podcast industry goes where the podcasters go. Right. So let's bring them all here.


Yeah, you always have the ability to move my number, you know, by saying something on the Internet, which you are always willing to do. And and you can see it and you get people coming up. You heard on the road. I'm like, good, good.


Sometimes you're just lucky, right? I'm lucky you're my friend. A lot of guys that were friends of Letterman got to do Letterman all the time because they were his friend. Right. Whether they were that good or not, they got to do it over and over and over and over and over. You know, I've watched a few of your podcasts. Everybody was more interesting to me. You know, I used to be a comic. You keep saying that.


I used to be a comic, too. That's horseshit. You're a comic. You're Ron fucking white man. Don't ever say that. You need to stop saying that. Once I get you up at the club, come on, man, you're going to crush, you know, tell that story about those, that's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting for I'm waiting for. The club wants to build it. They will come as soon as we get this mayor out of office.


Just getting as soon as we figured out a way to open up these club, we have a meeting under the bridge.


Yeah, I know.


We got a bunker. We don't need to go to the bridge.


We just need to get the clubs open test as soon as they come up with rapid testing and some more tenable therapeutic.


You're right. Yeah, you're right. We'll be all right. People want to go out and they miss it.


They miss it. I miss it. I miss sitting in a club watching other comics. I almost as much as I miss doing stand up, I miss it everybody. But the people that are just fans, they just have regular jobs that used to love date night, go out to a comedy club, have a great fucking time, have a few drinks, laugh their ass off.


They miss it, but we're going to get bad ass barbecue to that block. Yeah. Yeah, you got it. Yeah. We just got to make weed legal here. God damn people. I know it's kind of legal. All we have to do is continue to work in that direction because it's a process of evolution, right? I thought I thought that Texas would probably sell medical marijuana before Oklahoma because there's so much more conservative, it seems. Yeah, but now it's flourishing like crazy.




And then the money that get out of it, Texas doesn't need the money because of oil, but in just other things.


But but eventually it's going to make sense to Texas.


You know, it'll be laughed upon in 15 years or 10 years or five years as a prohibition that was so fucking stupid like it is in California, like it is in California.


You can't even imagine. I remember the day that I lived and I moved to Montecito. I'm Dantas Hejab. I want to buy a piece. I just bought this house with a big view of the world and there was a guy there with a skateboard and he was white and he was going to open in 15 minutes. And he goes, Are you got your license? You're going to get pick up some Arab? And I'm like, What? And then I spent 20 minutes going, What?


What is. He explained to me that marijuana was legal in California. I didn't even know it. And he goes, Yeah, what you do is you go down he goes, where's your license? In Atlanta? He goes, Yes, OK. I just go down there, apply for a license. I'll give you a paper license. Take that to this doctor in one hour. You'll be back here. Open that door. There's fifteen candles.


What what are you fucking what are you kidding me? And I walked in there and he wasn't kidding.


It was fucking fifteen kinds of gorgeous bud ice cream that made you want potato chips, right.


I'm getting fatter for sure. And all the hash hash with all this stuff and I buy all of it. I spend two grand and I spent two thousand dollars and I go back up to the house. I'm there by myself and I got my new bong. I'm poor. This news take a news hit that hit. Yeah, I've seen some of this fucking ice cream, which they didn't put a real dosage on, you know, but I'm not all rah rah rah rah rah.


I'm so fucking.


And then I start feeling weird, right. And I go wash my face and I lay in my bed and I start going monosyllable the trap.


It's a trap. The drugs here, it's going to ruin my life. I should take all that we know to flush it down the toilet. I'm going to work. It is like an hour later. I mean, they're going what else we got in here?


Don't do it all because that doesn't work. And it's got to get past the rough spots, right? Yeah. But I always like to get too fucked up and come down a little bit to kind of wander into a buzz that way.


Well, when you come down a little bit, you feel real thankful you're not as fucked up as you were an hour. Right. And I hope an hour from now. Yeah. You know, I have those feelings. Yes. Those good feelings.


Good feelings of survival. I think you have to feel like you're going to die. I really appreciate being alive.


You know, I've I've I've had some really fucking low spots in my life and in the touring career when literally I had joint custody of my son when he was two and a half years old and they were like, OK, here you go. And I'm like, Oh.


Nobody is going with me or nothing, and I just have a baby and that's it, and I'm like, OK, I have a van and I plop Marshall down in the in a car seat next to me in the van and go, OK, here we go. And and we took off across the fucking country and going to comedy clubs, literally. I would walk up to waitress's before I went on stage and went, could you just hold him for about 45 minutes and really and he be out there being held by a waitress.


And while I'm up on stage doing stand up comedy, that's crazy. And I'll tell you the funniest thing. He's a brilliant young man. And but here's how smart he is. We're at the South County, Funnybone and. And he goes, Dad, because everyone's while I'd bring him on stage, right, and he was my baby at that vote. Right. It's an easy vote to get. And he goes, Dad, I don't want to come to the club tonight, but I don't I don't want to go on stage.


I just want to hang out in the green room. And I said, this club doesn't have a green room. And he goes, oh, it's a funny bone.


I know how amazing it is to put that together. That funny bones are shitholes. I don't have a fucking green rooms. Right. He's the one Columbus doesn't write and I don't.


Do you? I'm in the fucking book. Yeah. And he realized that at two and a half years old. Two and a half years old there is.


Yeah. Well, it's a funny bone. He's two and a half. Oh my God. That's funny.


But that's how he you know, that's how he's raised. And I took him down to Mexico when I started making pottery. And his mom who lives here, you lived in Mexico for a while.


Right. But this is before you call her comedy. Right. Right before. Right before. What brought you to Mexico?


I'm impetuous, dude, I the funnybone cut my pay by a third because they realized they could and and and really they took away a lot of their airfare.


So it was really almost half. And and I told them to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck. And and my girlfriend at the time was an artist sort of person. And she was doing this mosaic tile application of pottery. And then she would take it to these fairs or whatever and sell it and she would sell it all in two hours. But the first three days, it took her six months to make it. And so I thought, why wouldn't you just go to Mexico and hire a bunch of women to sit around?


And she orchestrates it and they sit around and make this pottery and then you have a bunch of sell. And that was the whole concept. And so I went down there and I had I was living on like LBJ right up from you.


And I sold that house and and I had the biggest truck rider pulling the biggest trailer rider makes. And I had my van Marcheline I toured in and the biggest trailer that they make behind that. And that was everything around. And we went straight down to McAllen, Texas and moved into a trailer. And then we moved and I found a place in Mexico and Reynosa, Mexico, where Abraham answer is, who's a great golfer who I love to follow?


And we moved into Mexico, met a woman named Herman Munoz, and Herman knew everybody. She was like the matriarch of the entire subdivision there. And there was a tortilla factory that had been abandoned. And I rented it for one hundred dollars a month and it was a wreck. And I had eight inches of cat shit in it. They went in there and cleaned it all up and we started fucking making pottery and pottery pottery. And I remember that two of the I may have been the two sons of not one here, but one of the employees were the little kids.


And they were Marshall was five or six and they were four and three or whatever, and they were fighting.


And Marshall went out on the front porch and went, oh, no.


And because that was the word he knew and but they didn't stop, but he still knew how to command them to stop. And so we had a glorious laugh. I spent my evenings fucking sawing tables and building shit and they were making pottery and I was sweating.


How old are you back then? Forty two or three, maybe. And that crazy skewed toward and new kind of like settled into this idea that I'm just going to be here in Mexico making pottery.


Yeah. Yeah, but, you know, Foxworthy and I had been friends for already, I meant Farquaad the first day I did standup. So so he goes, why don't you come with me on the weekends and and open for me in the big shows. Right. So he'd gotten big enough to take somebody with him and he picked me to take with him. And so I would go out and make more money. Than they ever really made before, my life opened up for Foxworthy on the weekends and then I'd fly back.


From would be on a private jet and then we fly back to Atlanta and then I get on a plane to Houston and McAllen, Texas, and then drive across and to Mexico. If I ever told you the tomato story.


No. So my mother grows these amazing tomatoes. That was so good, the property she lived on, which was in Buda, which is just south of here. Was a peach tree orchard at one time in a cattle farm at one time, but the soil produced a tomato that you could just eat over the sink like an apple. They were so good and clearly the best I'd ever eaten.


And Foxworthy was so in love with these tomatoes that he would call because mother would send him a box of tomatoes every year when the tomatoes come and use the ripening on the vine. OK, you'll get your tomatoes when you get your tomatoes. And. I'd been out on a run, I picked up a comedy club. It wasn't a funny bone and then a couple of Foxworthy days, I was gone for two weeks and my mother sent me the box of tomatoes and all the money that I'd made I already owed to the people that worked for me.


Right. And I didn't owe it to them, but it was coming up. Right. Was gone. I didn't have any money. And so I had to stop. In Macao, the post office, and they bring out a big old soggy fucking box, and I know what it is. I know my mother sent me the tomatoes and they went rotten in the fucking post office while I was out doing stand up.


Right. So I said, ass tomatoes, you know, throw it away. And and so I get in line. I'm exhausted. I've been traveling all day long, literally all night and all day. We had done a show in Seattle flowback on a private plane to Atlanta, to Houston and, you know, just beat up. And I get over to my house and the phone rings and it's my mom and she goes, did you get the tomatoes?


And I said, Mother, I've been gone for two weeks and the tomatoes were rotten. And she goes, At least you got 100 dollars. I get back in my car, drive back to America, drive to the fucking post office, go back to the dumpster, fucking open the lid, crawl in it and start rubbing through the fucking rubbish till I found that box, ripped it open and got that hundred dollars, put it in my pocket and went back fucking home.


That's how much I needed.


A hundred dollars. Wow. Dig through a dumpster to get it. And if I forget where we're at right before that. But you were in Mexico and that's you were doing pottery. Yeah, opening for Jeff Foxworthy. Yeah. And then well, basically then, you know, the blue collar comedy tour came up, you know, because the kings of comedy were doing such huge numbers and Foxworthy was like, you know, why don't you why don't we do another version of that, you know, for different, you know, marketplace?


And and he told me the concept of the four of us going out, but I didn't really know what the Kings of comedy were doing. You know, I wasn't playing golf with them back then. And they're making pottery and pottery in Mexico. Beautiful stuff. This is pre Internet.


Turned out it was heavy and fragile, which is a horrible combination that I really hadn't thought of, that I didn't really think the whole thing through. I was like, what about this?


It is crazy, the little at all for you at 40 to. Well, probably 40, you know, 44 or 45, and before that came out, right, we did it, but that was all Jeff's money, right? He paid me great to do it. But it was his thing, right? It would have been nothing without him ever. We couldn't have sold ticket one without Foxworthy in. Even if he was just Ingall, it wouldn't work at all.


We tried. And what we just cut the guy, make it all the money out of it and give the money. OK, nobody shows up. So. Yeah, so I think Foxworthy is one of the most underrated comics ever. I really do think that you might be a redneck serial genius. Brilliant. Yeah. If your family tree does not fork right. And it was all so long, I mean, those jokes were so long ago, but it was such a great hook and something that you just do it over and over and over and over.


But there was so much to him besides that right into this day.


You know, he's just somebody that when I talk to him, we were both doing little clubs in Atlanta warming up for something else. And so we had dinner together and, you know, I don't know, eight months ago or whatever it was and. And it was just glorious to sit down and talk to somebody that was so generous that the first day I ever did stand up, he told me I needed to put the punchline at the end of the joke.


And then I said, how do you do that? All right, whatever stupid fucking horse I was using that day. And and he sits down with me, brand new comic with a piece of paper and a fucking pen. And he goes, all right, how was the first joke? Go? He writes it out himself in longhand. And he underlines this part in this part. In this part, he goes, you're what you're doing is instead of saying this here, you need to say it here, right?


Because if you say it here, you're stepping on the laugh by doing the end of it.


Now, I can't imagine now how you would do that, wrong or not, how to do not know how to do it. But I didn't know how to do it then. And he was so generous.


He just sat down and showed me I've been doing stand up for four minutes and he and I had a guy that good going, OK, look at this. Just like amazing. Just think about this. If you do it here instead of here, what happens? Stare at them, they'll laugh and then you can move on to the next fucking job. Wow. So that's how that's how much easier.


I've never heard anything but good things about that man. There's nothing. There's nothing but good. You know. Great human being, dear, dear friend. Count on him for anything. He's a big time bow hunter, too, you know, he's a big time hunter. Hee hee hee hee.


And everybody respects him as a hunter. You know, he doesn't take out a lot of deer during the year. You know, he looks for trophies. And if he doesn't see him, he doesn't shoot at them.


You know, he does old mature deer past their breed and say, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what he looks for.


That's how you're supposed to do it and you know it. I've never been into that. He's always tried to get me to go and I would probably go with him. I mean, I have no reason not to, you know, except learn how to shoot a bow. You should come out here and we should shoot some pigs.


They have to get rid of them is wild, crazy pigs. So the pigs. Yeah, the pigs don't think about Whitney's pig. Let's put that in the back of your head.


So Jay and I, we're going to do it was the hanging. Jeff.


There he is. What's he doing in this video, Jamie? It's not as if the whole video is just outdoorsman hunting something. As a nice dear. Yeah, he's out there whacking, dear. So anyway, Jay and I, we're going to talk we're talking about doing who was the judge west of the Pecos here and Roy Bean Roy being.


And so we were talking to this director. I feel stupid for not know his name. A famous director live right here in Bastrop. Who did? Shit, my brain just not working. I can't catch up with all of it, and but he owned the he actually had also some pigs that he put into this. And he wanted a reality show about the pig ranch. And Bastrop and. So, Jay. Because he can produce anything, right?


He's got a great production company, and so he sells it because this guy gives the director fuck who's his name. Oh, I can't believe. I'm sorry.


Give me a movie. The first movie that. McConaughey was a guest on this. Last year, Richard Linklater and Jamie right out of the fucking gate. Yeah, he's a mentalist. So we pitch him, the Judge Roy being story. But Jay's there to wrap up the deal on the pig ranch. The pig rescue.


Right. So. They want to go over there. Well, now I'm part of the fucking team, right? I'm like, fuck here because I want this guy to strike this right if he does it. It's a hit song for sure. He's an amazing director. And we go over there and and it's huge and it's nice to see the pigs are 800 pounds, some of them can't hardly move, have arthritis, takes them 30 minutes to lay down the last pig.


And this is a thing now. Now something different. Well, now that's not the last pig.


Good luck with that. There's a lot of pigs.


But anyway, we make our way around the whole thing. And I have footage because, you know, they have all these cameras out of of pigs that are in the wild walking up to the fence going, how do you get in here?


They're fucking eating sandwiches and shit laying around in the mud. And then there's pigs outside the gates going, what the fuck is this I want in there?


You can't get better if you let wild pigs in, if they revert to being like domestic pigs, because if you take domestic pigs and they go wild like you were talking about your friends pigs, they did five tasks. Yeah. And they were fined.


Yeah, I don't know. But anyway, we make our way into the house which. The guy that runs it is a runs a big construction company, he's got a lot of money, but his wife looks like the chick from Pulp Fiction that goes nuts. It has all the piercings and stuff and. Oh, yeah, and when I walked into that environment, I saw her and I'm like, she's set to pop.


She's done out the door. Don't do it. De de de de de de de la bup bup.


But so, yeah, she's about to pop are fucking weasel, right? I think that's my feeling about the whole situation. I get it. And we get in the house and they're going to sit down and talk about this deal. We set out for about three seconds.


He goes, oh, there she walks out the door, slams the door. And I was like, I saw that fucking coming. I didn't tell anybody. Right. But I did see it coming. I like this girl about the pop. I've seen it. I've seen it, you know, crazy, right?


You've been around crazy. And then. And he goes. She's not coming back, and I'm like, yeah, she she was coming back and she looked like she is anyway, so I'm going to they said something about they need to talk about the deal. And I got a joint, my pocket. I smoked for fucking hours.


And I'm like, oh yeah, I'll just be right outside here and smoke. But before they did that, there were four pigs that lived in the house and one of them was Whitney Cummings Pig. And they brought Whitney Cummings pig out to me and and I held it and it squealed like I was fucking it.


But I totally wasn't really what I thought was it.


But we definitely did not watch that man fuck my wife. No, I really don't believe you. I already don't believe you.


Oh, that's a powerful statement. Oh. Oh. So anyway, that story, Branwhite, let's wrap it up. We did it. Wrap it up. We did it. Brother, another beautiful podcast. Thank you. Thanks for making me come here. Yeah.


Part of the reason. Hey, you know, I need to just stop you from crying. I'm like, I'll make some promises, I'll pitch in, you know, do my thing. I knew there was a spot where we could be together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was trying to steal you back from a girl, you know, I'm like my my two friends kind of went off together and then my. Oh, I see way now it turns out he's moving down here on vacation with us to all vacation when it's legal.


I got nothing to do man. I never got something to do with a branch opens up. Yeah, absolutely. Figure out what to do with your four acres and two mules. Yeah.


I love you, Runway. I love you, Joe Rogan. All right.


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They're the shit. All right friends. We did it. Two episodes in the book. This one got loose. This one felt good.


This one felt like a real old school podcast like it just seemless the first one I was like Oh I'm in Texas. Yikes. But I think we we got through that. But this this one felt like 100 percent legit. If you're listening to this, you're listening on either iTunes or some other podcast application that's using the RSS feed as of December 1st, it won't be available anywhere else except Spotify. So if you want to get the audio as of December 1st, it will be Spotify only it's free.


Just download Spotify and bam, you're back in business.


OK, thank you.


Love you.