Why You Should STOP Focusing on Your GoalsThe Mindset Mentor
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- 4 Mar 2021
This is a big hole in the personal development industry, no one ever talks about this. Today we are going to teach you why you should stop focusing on your goals and what you should do instead.
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Welcome to today's episode of the Mind Set Mentor podcast, Amy hosts Rob Dial and if you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button that you never miss. Another podcast episode today is Thursday, which means that it is the business edition of the Mind Set Mentor podcast, which also means that my best friend and business partner, Dean Devries, is also here as well. Dean Davis, welcome, my friend. What's up, brother? Happy Thursday.
Happy Thursday. Today, we're going to talk about something that might seem like it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to you and it's definitely not preached too much. I don't know if I've ever actually even heard it preached in the self development category. And what I'm actually going to tell you is that you should not focus on your goals. So Dean and are going to talk to you about is why you should stop focusing on your goals, right?
Yeah. And I'll just tell you, like my in my life, when I really started, you know, experiencing more abundance in my business and in my life, it's when I stopped focusing on my goals.
And we're not saying don't have goals. You need to have goals. They're good guides to get you to where you want to go. We all want an amazing life. We all want to have, you know, happiness and millions of dollars in the relationships that we want and to travel the world and to have an amazing family and joy and peace and love and all that stuff. But today we're going to talk about why focusing on that future may actually be the thing that's holding you back.
You know, if you want an abundant future, what you shouldn't do is focus on that future. What you should do is focus on right now. And right now is the only thing that actually truly matters. Right? Dean? Yeah, yeah.
And, you know, it goes back to that that idea of success isn't something that we we do. Right. It's something that we attract because of the person that we become. So it really comes down to the identity, right. The person that we are, which really goes into how we're showing up right now, today. Right. And I love that view. If you want an abundant future, don't focus on the future. Focus on the.
Now, the only thing that we have is right now.
Yeah. And, you know, it seems counterintuitive, but the future, when it actually happens, will just be another present moment. And so if you're constantly just focusing on the future, you're actually never living in the present moment ever in too many people focus on all of the stuff that they need to do to get to where they want to go.
But when they worry about all of those things that sometimes can be paralysis by analysis and they're thinking too much about all of the stuff they need to do and they get nothing done. And the thing that I always say is that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. You know, I didn't make that up, obviously, but if you're too worried about Miles 745, you're not going to actually even take the first step, you know?
I really just want to unpack this a little bit more and put some substance to this conversation, because this is a, you know, a concept that I don't think, you know, to your point from earlier, I don't think we talk about enough just in the personal development space. And so, you know, the first concepts that really just comes to mind is how much our choices today really matter. And every single choice that we make really defines our destiny.
Right. We're either moving in the direction of our of what it is that we want to create in our life and living the life that we want or we're moving away from that. And so, you know, oftentimes the reason why we're not getting the results in our business, in our life, it's because we're not showing up in a way where we're making the best choices, the choices, even though, you know, we can't control everything that is around us.
Right. There's things that happen outside of us that are beyond our control. But the one thing that is 100 percent in our control is how we respond to it. And that's a choice. Our response is always our choice.
Yeah. If you're not getting the results that you want, it's because of your choices. I mean, it's really not hard. Like people make success in life really way too difficult. They think way too much about it. It's extremely simple. Your actions are not yielding the results that you want. So simply what you need to do is make different choices, which will give you different actions, which will give you different results. So if you're sitting in a life that you don't currently want, you have created that life that you have in your actions have not yielded the results.
To get you a different life in life isn't about controlling all the things that happen around you. Sometimes, like you said, it's just about controlling how you respond. And what you have to realize is that you take a step back and you go, OK, if I want this goal in this future, yes, I do want to know where I'm going. But then I need to look at the next action that I'm going to take. And then I asked myself, is this the action that's going to get me to where I want to be?
Is this the action that's going to line up with the person that I need to become in order to achieve that life?
Yeah, and just to double click on the. Like everything that happens is meant to be or else it wouldn't have happened, right? So, you know, if if we really just believe that that everything happens exactly the way that it's supposed to, we can't control what that is. We can't control what happens. But we just have to assume that it happened exactly the way there was supposed to because that's what happened. But what the one thing, like I said, that we can control, that's 100 percent in our you know, our realm of influence is our choice.
And so what comes up for me in this is, you know, also just really focusing on the journey rather than the destination, because, you know, when we give up this idea of, you know, hey, I'm I'm on the path and I want to I want to get to this goal.
And once I get there, then I will experience this, then I'll be happy. Then I'll be set. Right. And like I know you and I can definitely relate to this. Going back to our cutco days, like, you know, you and I were always in the you know, the top you know, top people in the entire company. And I remember those conversations that we had as we were kind of leading up to or just like, man, you know, if we create this, then we're going to be set.
That's that's what life's all about.
And then when we got there, I remember having conversations where it's like, yeah, no, it's good.
But like, I thought it was going to feel better, you know, and so that that's the result of focusing on the destination because there's always another destination, there's always another level. And so if we're trying to get our gratification based on when we arrive to that destination, then No. One, it's not going to feel as good as you think it'll feel when you actually get there. But also it's going to take away from your ability and your willingness to be consistent and really finding the enjoyment in the journey, finding, you know, the destination is actually the journey, like you're already there.
You are on your path. And so if you enjoy the path and enjoy taking the actions and enjoying the process, it doesn't matter what the results look like. Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of like you hear with a lot of really successful people excuse me, is people who win the Super Bowl and people who want a championship in some sort of way. Sometimes the most depressing day for them is the day after they win that championship because they've built their entire life around this destination and now they hit the destination in their entire identity was built around that destination. They're kind of like, well, what the hell do I do with myself now?
I don't feel any different than I did before. And it's corny and cliché, but the reason why it's cliche is because it's true. You know, the whole thing that you're trying to do is you're not trying to I mean, if you want to make a million dollars. Yes, you do want to make the million dollars.
But really, the whole fun and excitement is to be able to become the person that is worthy of achieving that goal, of having made a million dollars. And that's why Jim Road always says success is something that you attract by the person that you become. So it's not really the going and making the million dollars. Yeah. You want to do that. But what you're really trying to do is become the type of person that can make that million dollars.
And, you know, when we're born, we're too focused on the destination. We focus on it being perfect. We focus on the perfection rather than the progression and finding the joy and finding the the the appreciation and gratitude in the progression. And, you know, another thing that just, you know, really pops up in this and if you're listening to this right now, I know that you're a human. And if you're a human, I know you've experienced this and it's called the I Deserve.
It's right where we get this glimpse of success, right. We've got this this goal. We've got this destination that we're on the path for. And we start to see this glimpse of success, whether it's like, hey, I just, you know, got a a huge bump, my income because I had a really great month or, you know, hey, I just, you know, lost ten pounds when I've been you know, I've been wanting to lose weight for a really long time.
Right. There's so many goals that we can have that once we get that glimpse of success, if we're focused on the destination, then that glimpse of success makes it more real. It's like, wow, you know, I'm actually getting there. But then the brain kicks in and we start to self sabotage. Right. We start to wonder, like, oh, shit. Well, what if I am successful or what? What if what if this is it?
What if I fail? Right.
And it's impossible to self sabotage at the glimpse of success when you're really just enjoying and appreciating the journey because the journey is so much more rich than the results that come from the journey.
Yeah, it's funny you say this. We had you and I run Business Breakthrough. We teach coaches how to actually grow coaching businesses. And we talked about this in the call Tuesday. We're one of our most successful students. Misty had been making more money than she ever had and she probably going to be super excited to hear her name on the podcast, Misty.
But hey, Misty. But she she's at the point where she's about to in her first few months of working and running her own, her coaching business, about to make more money than she ever has an entire year. And she's starting to notice that she is almost on the path of starting to she's coming up with with thoughts that aren't even true in front of her to almost start to self sabotage. And so, so often we get stuck in comfort zones and we don't realize that our brain will actually start to trick us to self sabotage us, to keep us in that comfort zone.
We start to expand past it. But if we're not looking, like you're saying, at the amount of money that we're making or how much it is, but just going I am doing so well in my business right now and I'm so enjoying the person that I'm becoming in the path that I'm on. And if I'm focusing on that present moment and not this possible future that might be coming down the road, it makes it easier for me to not self sabotage, you know.
And if all you knew was that your habits dictate your results and you want results, all you have to focus on are the habits. Right. Which all come from our choices. Our choices turn into behaviors. Right. Every behavior that we have and every habit that we have all literally started with a single choice that we kept on choosing over and over and over again. It became it became a behavior pattern. And then once it became a behavior pattern, it then became a habit that was ingrained into our identity of who we are.
So the habits that we have actually dictate the results that we have in the future. But the habits are really about today. Going back to the initial, you know, how we opened up this this episode that it's not about, you know, if you're focusing on the goal or the destination, right. You're taking away from the very opportunity that you have to create the best results, which is the moment where you can really make an empowered choice and, you know, success like you can.
You can tell a successful person not by looking at their bank account, not by looking at their status, not by looking at what kind of job they have or what kind of business they're operating or how much income they're bringing in or what cars they drive or how they live. And you can tell a successful person simply by just looking at their daily habits, what do they do every single day?
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And usually the way that you can usually tell a successful person just by the kind of the aura that they have, like you can see a confident person when they walk in the room, and the reason why confidence is not something that people are born with. I say this all the time, confidence comes from results. And so that person has focused on becoming the type of person to focus on this. Like, if I'm going to walk from my garage to my truck, I have to literally take steps to get there.
Right. That makes sense. But if I'm just focusing on, oh, my gosh, I've got to get to my truck. Oh, my gosh, I've got to get to my truck. Oh, my gosh. I got to get to my truck. And I never actually take a step towards it. Then nothing's ever going to happen now, obviously, that makes a whole lot of sense, but how many people out there are so focused on the journey, the destination that they need to get to, that they ever forget the fact that they even have to take the next step?
Right. So the way that somebody becomes confident is getting the results, but it doesn't mean that they're focusing on the results to go from, you know, garage to truck. It means that what they're doing is they're going one step in front of the other, one step in front of the other, one step in front of the other. And here's what's really interesting about confidence that I don't think people understand. Confidence comes from getting the results that you want.
Yes, but one thing that's really interesting, sometimes confidence also comes from failing. The reason why is because you at least stepped out of your comfort zone. And even if you did fall on your face, you still get confidence knowing, you know what, at least I did something that I was afraid of.
Yeah. You know, one thing that that just I was reminded of, as you were, you know, using that analogy of going from the garage to your truck, it is, you know, going step by step. But it's also the direction of those steps. And, you know, the most important thing about this is awareness. Like we always say it all the time, where it's if we could equip one superpower to every single person on the planet, that would literally change the world.
It would be awareness because anything that happens within our awareness now becomes our choice. So, you know, when it comes to our choices, we have to have enough awareness and we have to really look at ourselves in the mirror and just be honest with ourselves and say, are my choices.
Ah, is there a better step that I could be taking because going from the garage to the to the truck, you might take a ton of steps, but it might be in the wrong direction. Right. And if we're not aware of how our choices are actually impacting our future, then we might find ourselves in a circumstance or a situation where it's like, wait a second, this isn't what I wanted. Well, let's look back to see what choices created that, you know, and it goes for not just our business, it goes for everything.
What choices are you making around your health? What choices are you making around your finances, your relationships, your mindset, your mindset? The other thing that comes to mind is also the fact that our perspective, the way that we look at the world, the way that we receive our experiences is also a choice. Right. And we kind of talked about this earlier on on our mastermind call. But, you know, when it comes to art, when it comes to looking at things and receiving our experiences and determining if this is an empowering perspective or disempowering perspective, we really have to ask ourselves, like, is this perspective giving me energy or is it taking away energy?
And, you know, the perspective, one of the perspectives that just like, you know, is a is a guiding principle for me is I believe that everything happens for a reason.
Now, by the way, I can't prove that.
I don't there's no way for me to prove that. I can't tell you that that's 100 percent the truth.
But that's 100 percent what I believe, because that perspective gives me energy. Yeah.
Yeah. It goes back to, you know, the choices that you make really comes down to something that we've been saying for 14, 15 years now. And if you're making the choices that you make are going to dictate the actions that you're going to take, which are going to dictate the results that you're going to have. So instead of focusing on that long future, that's way ahead of us five, 10 years down the road, you focus on this very moment and you ask yourself, is what I'm doing right now getting me closer to or further from my goals?
So if I want to have the body, that's going to look incredible on the beach this summer and I'm in the middle of eating a big old tub of ice cream, I can ask myself in that moment is what I'm doing right now getting me closer to or further from my goals of having the best body possible on the beach? Looks like it's probably getting me further away from my goals. OK, then I need to change my present moment to get a future that I desire.
OK, you know, if my alarm clock goes off and I hit the snooze button, I ask myself, is what I'm doing right now getting me closer to or further from my goal as well? If I had the goal of waking up so that I could get done whatever it is I need to get done to create the life that I want within sleeping, it is getting me further away from my goal. So one of the simplest things that people can just simply ask themselves, if they're trying to recalibrate in the moment to create the life that they want, is to focus on this present moment and say, is what I'm doing right now getting me closer to or further from my goals of X, whatever that exists for you?
And there's there's so many levels to this because, I mean, we can really go down a rabbit hole here. But, you know, when it comes to, like, hitting the snooze button, if you're commitment, if you're like, man, I am so committed to waking up tomorrow, you know, at 5:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m., whatever the whatever the time is and you hit the snooze button, the choice of hitting the snooze button is.
Yeah. Number one, you're not waking up as early as you wanted to so that you can achieve more. But also the choice of not honoring the commitment to yourself is also a choice. And and oftentimes how we do one thing is how we do everything. So if you're not honoring the commitment like that to yourself, what else are you not honoring? What other commitments are you breaking? Where else are you living out of integrity? And so that's that's really where the awareness comes in, is really reflecting and and looking at these what seems to be small, simple actions like our our our ego might say, yeah, but I just hit the snooze button once and only slept in for another 15 minutes.
Yeah, but you are out of integrity. That was a choice. And all choices have the potential to become habits. And when you think about a future, the highest potential version of you that it has created, everything that you want is that version of you out of integrity with their commitment to themselves. Are they making choices to, you know, not fulfill their commitments and not do what they say they're going to do? I think not. I believe that person that you are meant to be the person that can achieve everything and create everything that you want in life is the person that's impeccable with their commitments.
It's the the version of you that chooses the best potential option, the best way to approach that opportunity in each moment.
Yeah, it's interesting because the same way that I said that the way that you build confidence in yourself is by no one either getting the results that you want or, number two, even failing at what it is that you want to do, but at least stepping out of your comfort zone and going, you know what will at least I stepped up for myself and at least I started down the path and tried something that I was afraid of didn't want to do.
Also, on the opposite side of that, do you want to know how to lose confidence in yourself to to do exactly what you're saying, to not show up for yourself, to set your alarm for 6:00 a.m. and hit the snooze button to wake up at six or nine? Is there a huge difference between it in time? No. In confidence and mentally in the future that you're trying to create? Absolutely. So people have to realize that they're either building their confidence or loving their confidence with every single thing that they do as well.
And so if we reflect back on what we've talked about so far and what we've got over today, number one, what choices are you taking in the current moment or are they bringing you closer to or further from your goals?
That's something you ask yourself at all points in time. And then the next one is what is one step in the direction that you need to take? That would be a better choice for you. So an example of that would be. All right. You know what? I do want to create the body that I want. But at the same time, I am eating this tub of ice cream right now. What would be a better choice in this moment than that or what?
I actually go even better to get the ice cream out of the freezer and I'm starting to pick it up. Then I ask myself, hey, Rob, what would be a better choice than this? You know, what would be a better choice than getting this ice cream? All right. Well, I'm starting to get a sugar craving. Maybe I go and get an apple instead, so I always get some sugar, but it's at least healthier for me.
I don't know what it is. It's different for everybody. But what's one step in the direction that you want to go to that is a better choice than the choice that you're currently making. Yeah.
And what's really powerful about this, this reflection? You know, the purpose of reflection is awareness. So the more awareness that you have, the more choices you have. So when it comes to this type of reflection and asking yourself this question, you know what choices are bringing me farther away or closer to my goals? Look at the things that you that that maybe you've concocted a story in your head that the choices don't matter. Those are actually the choices that you want to look at.
You know, whether it's, you know, showing up to, you know, showing up to meetings a minute or two late. Right. Like that has a you know, there's there's something around integrity there. Right. If if you're meant to show up at a certain time, you're probably also the type of person that will sleep in for an extra five minutes and not think it's a big deal. Right. Because it's just the story that we're telling ourselves to feel okay.
Not honestly not feel shitty about not being an integrity. Right. But those are actually the choices that matter so much because it's those little tiny choices that just stack up that when we're making a bunch of little tiny choices, that's, you know, that's going to give us huge momentum in the wrong direction.
It's kind of like, you know, think about Amazon, one of the largest companies in the world. They make a little tiny bit off of a lot of, you know, a lot of transactions. Right. Well, the choices that you make a lot of different choices throughout the day and in those choices, like is there a little bit of lack of integrity or a little bit of like, you know, not fully showing up, you know, if it's just that little bit and it's OK to feel, you know, it's OK to not feel shitty for you.
Like, if that's a story that that's like it's not that big of a deal, that's the choice that you want to look at and build the awareness of. And what is the consequence of not just doing that today? What's the consequence of doing that for another year, another five years, another ten years, another 20 years, and just see where it takes you versus if you really just cleaned that up and cleaned up your choices and intentionally made better choices, even if they're not drastically different choices.
I mean, if they're just slightly better choices, again, it's not about perfection, it's about progression. So how can each choice move you in the direction of progress?
No, I love that. So essentially what we're saying, everybody is have goals. But then after you've set them, don't worry about them as much. Just figure out what it is that you need to do in this present moment to make a better choice in this moment to get you closer towards that goal in every single thing that you do. And if you do, that's the interesting thing, is that you wake up one day and that goal that you had set for yourself has already been hit.
So that's what we got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode. So please go ahead and share it on your Instagram and tag me in it. Rob Dyle, Jarobi ALJ are the only way that we go from you guys sharing it. And if you're out there and you want to either work with us either for mindset help or if you're a coach and you want to learn how to grow your coaching business, you can go to book with Dean Dotcom right now.
You can fill out some information. If you happen to be somebody that we feel like we could help, we'll reach out to you and set you up for a call to either learn about your mindset or to learn about your coaching business and how he can help you there. But I'm going to leave it the same way. I leave you every single episode, make it your mission, make someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.