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Hello, you guys. Today's episode is something I. Obviously never would want to have to make for obvious reasons and. I think the only thing harder than having to deal with this on my own or with Shane and our family is having to break your hearts and bring you along on the journey. And I think the reason that I feel it's necessary to do so is not only did I introduce you to our kit in Mario. But I don't think I can move on.


Having shown you our kitchen and having you fall in love with him and just.


Move on as if nothing happened, and so Lizzie's joining me, which thank you so much. I know it's it's a hard thing to ask for you to come on when it's our family, but I'm happy to be here for you. Yeah.


And you were you were one of the first people I talked to on the phone after it actually happened. But our kitten, Mario, is no longer with us and. I honestly don't even really know how to comprehend it because it was going so well. This cat came into our lives in such a time where I think it was needed for us. Like, I truly believe that this kitten will change our lives forever.


And I think a large part of his purpose, even though his life was so short, was to change the direction of our lives or reroute how we view things or think of things that I think all tragedies do that to people. They pull you back, they make you think about where you are and where you want to be. But I guess before we get into.


All of that, we were obviously acclimating him to our family, and I know that with dogs and cats, you really have to be very careful. And we were they they had come a long way. Cheeto had been become best friends with Mario, and they were loving on each other all day, every day, playing with each other. And they were having so much fun. And they were he was getting used to the dogs as well. And it was going really well.


And there were no signs of any anything going wrong. And so Shane and I were sitting in the beauty room like we would do most nights with the kit. And we had the door cracked a little because the dogs would come up to the door and we wanted to get started introducing. Yeah, with their scents and everything. And I think Chitto and Mario had just gotten so close and comfortable together that while we were sitting in the beauty room with the door cracked, Cheeto ran out of the room and Mario chased him.


And before Shane and I got up to go out to the family room, an incident had already happened. And as soon as we're on our way, the hissing, the noises happen and. Whatever happened had already been done when we got to where whatever happened, the two cats were next to each other and the two dogs were over there. We still don't know exactly the scenario or what happened.


Mario was.


Obviously, there were no punctures and he wasn't bleeding, so it wasn't like one of the dogs had got completely over him.


I think if it was malicious, it would have been harder to find her a really bad scene. So Mario went back to his room like he ran back into his room where he feels safe and comfortable. And he just he wasn't doing well and he was making this like sounds. And he threw up a few times. And at first I thought, oh, well, he's scared because I know that, like, honey has been around cats her entire life.


I mean, I don't know what happened. Yeah, I'm assuming possibly maybe the two cats ran into the room and the dogs were on the couch and they were startled or whatever and ran after it.


But it could have been like the kitten so fragile. I had a small, tiny being.


And so we I was so dead certain that he was just so scared and he was petrified and that I almost thought, like, us going to the vet is kind of crazy because it's like he's just startled and they're going to laugh at us and tell us to go back home. And I think Shane knew. I think Shane knew immediately, and I think Shane had this crazy connection with this cat from the moment that we saw a video of him. I wasn't even on board with Mario yet before Shane had already said, yes, bring this cat into our life, because Shane is like this psychic being where he knows.


He knows when he's connected to something so immediately, and he he loved this cat so much, so we get to the vet and you can't go in because of coronavirus times.


We tell them what happened and we keep getting calls. But like hours apart in the first year that he's stable and that he's doing fine. And they just they took x rays, but they can't tell from the X-rays what's exactly going on, because I guess kittens have smaller mass.


So it's harder to see the animals outside their frames as we're sitting there for two hours, three hours, four hours, the calls keep getting progressively worse. And what we found is that there was bruising on one of his lungs. Which there wasn't a puncture in his lung, but there was bruising and I guess like, who knows what could have happened to cause the bruising?


But. That that was closing at 11 and they said, well, we close at 11, so you guys need to go to an emergency, a 24 hour care.


And then when the nurse comes out to hand us Mario, she's like, you need to get there really fast. And so we're driving to the twenty four hour vet. And I'm still like, for some reason, every ounce of my body thought that this was just going to be fine. Like I thought this was just a mishap. And even with the bruising, it was something that was going to be OK. And we get to the other vet and she immediately takes new X-rays.


And then about 40 minutes later, she calls us back and says, I'm going to call the overnight surgeon and see if we can operate surgery on him. And then this surgeon had said to the vet that she can't perform surgery with the lung because he can't take the anesthesia, because he's so little, because he's little and with the lungs like he might like. And the worst part of all of this is then the vet was like, well, I'm going to let you guys say good night to him and.


It's coronavirus, so you really can't see your pets. Yeah, and so we kind of understood that by her saying that we're going to tell the animal good night. That he probably wasn't going to make it through. And. It's the most haunting, horrific moment of my entire life, because Shane and I are just outside of this bed at two thirty a.m. holding hands and we know that we're going to have to say goodbye to this being that we loved so much.


He had changed our life in such an insane way. And I just couldn't stop thinking that I could have done something different. And when we saw him. He was just so peaceful and I'm looking at his eyes and I'm just we're like bawling, just crying out of control and I'm just like begging for his forgiveness, because in the short amount of time that we had him, we had built so much trust with him.


He was on the streets. He didn't even know how to be next to a human. And I felt like I had. Done him so wrong by gaining his trust and letting something like this happen to him and we're just sitting there crying and begging and pleading for his forgiveness. But. I just don't think there's. I have to believe so that I don't lose my own mind, that everything happens for a reason. Yeah, because I played out the scenarios in my head of like, well, what if I would have ran out two seconds faster?


What if I would have closed the door completely and it would have never happened?


And I it's so easy to wish that it's something you could have changed. It's so easy to want for that. And I think that in this specific instance that this was a freak accident.


And it's just so hard to comprehend a freak accident like this when it's a living being. Yeah. And to try to process and fathom.


Why something like this would happen is like so. Insane and it's so incomprehensible and there's almost no way to not play out every scenario in which you were the reason that this little kid in. And here you can make an. Yeah, I'm I I really identify with a lot of the things that you're saying and, you know, like I wish I could say something that would make it better for you and for Shane and. All I can say is, I'm so sorry.


And. That I know in my heart of hearts that you guys were there for that kitchen that you did. You were above and beyond protective and enforcing a smooth transition from hit for him into the house and into the family, and I really do think this is one of those brutal, brutal accidents. You know what I mean? Like, this is not. Unfortunately, it's something that's out of your hands and it's easier to look for human error because you can change that, like you can make an amendment in the future.


And then just in this instance is just. Brutal. Yeah, and I think the hardest part is that Shane was just so connected to this cat on such a deep level that. It he came into our lives and really made us feel like a fresh start, like a clean slate, like a new beginning, and that things were worthwhile again, because we've had such a dark year. And like in this small amount of time, we looked and Shane has over two hundred and fifty photos and videos of him, because every moment of the day he would be in that room and sending me photos being like, look what he just did it.


Look what he just did.


And it's just. So impossible to wrap your head around, and we cried for days and days, and I think the only way to be able to make sense of this is to realize what he brought to us and know that he. Came to us at a specific time for a specific reason, and that he. Gave his all for us like he came into our lives for a purpose. And I just have to believe that. Yeah, you. Animals and pets specifically are just such.


Here are love, and they give themselves selflessly to us, and we are so lucky to be on the receiving end of that love that it hurts like this bad when they're not with us anymore. And it's specifically cruel. That Mario's time was so short, but it was so impactful and so lovely and wonderful and healing for the time that it was. I think that's really a wonderful thing and I think. Like you and I were talking about before I came over, sometimes it's not instantly apparent why something has happened, but having faith in that there is a big grand plan for it all is kind of comforting and knowing that more will be revealed to us going forward.


And I felt like it was a selfless opportunity to share your pain and to.


I don't know, just be open about how that feels and. Open up your heart for healing in regards to that. OK, I look insane. So this. Right off to where these I can hear you, you don't need to wear that, you don't want to I mean.


I don't think I wanted to say something because I know how hard it's been. I don't know, like I've lost pets before, but this was different, and I think it's because. Um. I mean, I think because he was different. But for me, like the last four days or however many days it's been has been like so awful, but also. Beautiful and like I've learned so much and. I feel like a lot of the things that helped me maybe could help anybody watching who maybe has just lost a pet, because I know for me, like when I was searching, so I was so ugly when I was searching, like, how to deal with it, losing a pet.


Like, I found so many channels and so many people talking about it and like, certain things would just click and it would just make me feel. Like, it just made sense and one channel screenshot of her name, I watched like 20 videos of hers, um.


Danielle McKinnon really look her up if you have lost a pet or if you're grieving over a pet, she's like a pet psychic, but not like in a I don't know. Sorry, she's just I know it sounds great. She's a pet, like but like she is, um. But the way she explained it was like, what what truly makes you feel better is knowing that the animal is still here in a different way. And like I've always known, like I believe in ghosts and I believe in, you know, the afterlife and demons and whatever, like aliens like I believe in all that stuff.


But I guess I never truly, completely like, you know, there's always like a tiny bit of doubt, like a tiny like in the back of your head. You're like, maybe I made it up. Maybe the ghost is just in my imagination. Or maybe there is nothing after this. Maybe when we die, it's just total blackness like that tiny bit of doubt is gone. And I think it's because of what we went through, which was awful and what she said, which was I'm trying to I'm going to try to explain it in a way where hopefully people watching can connect to it.


She basically said, everybody in your life who you are connected with, who you feel like you've known forever, you know, your family, your friends, people who come into your life. And it feels like, God, I feel like I've known you forever. Like, this is so crazy. And your pets, all of those beings in your life are part of your soul, family and on the other side. All of our souls, like, for example, my soul family, it would be, you know, you and me and my family and my friends and all my pets I've ever had and.


So, like a piece of us is here on Earth, like I'm here, a small piece of my soul is here with my body, but the rest of my soul is on the other side with my soul family, which means you're there to, you know, and and Mario while he's completely there now. So it's also like when you think about your pet dying and it's like, well. Who's going to greet them in heaven or are they going to be scared, like, are they going to be with my grandma?


Who are they going to be with? And then what she said was, no, they're going to be with you because you're there. Your soul is there and your whole soul family every lifetime makes a commitment to each other, like, OK, in this lifetime you're going to be a YouTube or you're going to have this struggle in this struggle, in this struggle. You're going to find love here, here, here. And then the other. You know, your soul was like, OK, well, I'm going to be you're your match.


And then the pets are like, OK, well, I'm going to I'm going to be there for you in this time. I'm only going to be there for two weeks.


When you need them, you're like. Every soul made a commitment and then. So it's like it was planned, you know, like Mario came when I I needed him most and I needed to feel unconditional love and I needed to remember like.


I don't know, I don't want to get too much into the Internet shit because I feel so stupid right now, like they even think about that. But it was a thing. It was like having something like a person. I mean, it's a cat, but felt so much bigger than that. And I connected to him on such a crazy level, like this cat was my soul mate, like that cat, I, I knew him. He knew me like he trusted me.


Like the second day that he was there, he came up to me, he let me pet him. He let me give him a bath. He didn't even move like he let he enjoyed getting a bath. It's so crazy, like so many things. And when he passed away, I felt this intense, warm light. Like, the only way I can explain it is like a golden light, like it was golden. I could feel it.


And it was like an angel. And I knew I was like, I think he was my angel, my guardian angel. I feel him right now. And I went down to his room. I mean, you were with me like it was like the room I could feel I got full body, like chills, like the hair on my arms stood up and I felt this peace and this love like this love that I can't explain. It was like so much love at one time and I haven't felt that love.


So it was just so intense.


It also really sad, but also like God, I felt so happy because I knew he was my angel.


And I know that sounds crazy, but I just fucking knew it. And so when the soul family thing, I start watching videos about that and it was like, oh, he came down here for a purpose. He's a soul that's connected to me on the other side. And it was his time to go. And he knew it and he did something kind of out of character and honey did or, you know, or whoever other animal did something out of character.


But it all happened for a reason, because I don't think if if Mario would have stayed around for longer. I don't know that his his life would have been as impactful like I will never, ever in my whole life take anything for granted. I will never care about Internet comments. I will never care about Petty anything. I will never look at my phone again like I know it sounds crazy, but when I had Mario, when I was with him and I was playing with him and I was holding him and I was raising him and doing all those things, I didn't even look at my phone.


I didn't care like it didn't matter because it wasn't real life and like that to me meant so much. And now him being gone, but still feeling him like. Like the other night I had and I'm going to sound crazy now, I already do, but I had this moment where I was like laying on the couch. I was crying and I had his little toy and. Oh. I was just like talking to God or whoever it was, just like, you know, was art, was Mario something else?


Was he an angel? Who. Who was he? Because I feel like it's different. It's not just a cat. I've had pets before. This is so different, so different. And then, you know, like, I really felt like, is he my guardian angel or is he an angel? And this voice, like, went into my head and it said, look at the first video. So I went to my phone and I went to the first time I ever saw him, which was a video a Trish sent me that her boyfriend set her in his backyard of all the cats.


And it was Mario. And I'm watching it. And I've seen this video a million times, but I never really paid attention because in the video at the end of the video, he walks like all the cats or meowing and he's not. And he just walks up to this angel statue, just stares in.


They like it to me, I got this full sensation of just like, oh fuck, like, it all clicked and I'm like, this is it was like he said, yes, I am an angel.


And like in that moment, never forget that moment in my whole life, like in my whole nobody can tell me it was fake. Nobody can tell me that that God doesn't exist. Nobody can tell me that there's not something after this. No one can tell me that because. Because the doubt is gone. The doubt in the back of my head. You're not good enough. You're you're a shitty person. Fuck you.


All those things are gone. And Ma, you did that.


And I think we went through a few different phases, like when it was happening, you and I were both like, how could something like this happen to something that was so full of joy and full of life?


Like, is there a God? Like for a second there we really were questioning, like, what is the meaning of life and is there a God if something this horrific could happen? And I think very quickly, I know we haven't seen the long term purpose of this, but I think we were overwhelmed with a peaceful, loving feeling. I think most of all, at first we were scared that he was in pain and that he was suffering. And I think when we finally got to see him and saw how peaceful he looked and that he appreciated us because he did know that we loved him, because when we went up and we said goodbye to him, he mustered the energy to open his eyes and even come forward a little bit and like very clearly acknowledged that he loved us and appreciated us.


And we we knew that this little being came into our lives for such a specific reason. It's just so hard that something's so miserable has to come for whatever greater purpose that he was supposed to teach us. And I have to believe that he was here to teach us something larger than life. Like I don't think our lives will ever be the same.


And I know that sounds so dramatic, but no know. And I just just also, like, not just make this about this intense angel experience, because I feel like that's maybe relatable to some people. But also the reason I brought up this whole family thing is because for me, it's not just even pets. It's like everybody in your life. If you lose somebody and you're like, why? I don't understand why why were they taken away from me so soon or why did this happen?


And it's so awful. It's so incomprehensible. But when you know that that person is on the other side with you and your soul family and this was all planned out, this was all meant to be everything happened for a reason. And then once everybody in your whole family passes on, you're all together in this group and you guys are like, all right, what are we going to do next? Yeah, like, all right. In this life, you're going to be a king.


You're going to be a queen. You're going to. Yeah. And it's just so cool because it's like it just makes sense to me. Like, there's so many people in my life who I felt that thing with. Like I've known you forever. I feel like you're like we knew each other in a past life or something. Like even the word past life always seemed like a little bit of suspicion about it. And now I'm like, maybe it is real because it's like if you're soul family, you guys have this lifetime together and then you kind of keep doing it every life.


I'm learning more things and like, I don't know, I feel like the other side also seems so far away. Like the woman I was watching, she was explaining. She's like, I wish they wouldn't call it the other side. I wish they would call it like, you know, something else, because it's here. It's it's all around us. It's just we can't see like right now. I swear to God, Chido sees Mario like that sounds crazy, but Chido has been looking where Mario always Woodleigh.


He's been looking there, staring there. He hasn't moved from the flowers that we got when Mario passed away. We Morgan got us these flowers and I put a little Mario card in there. And Cheeto has not moved from there in four days. Like, I know that he knows I know that Mario is here. I just feel it. And it's I think animals are psychic, like they see shit like they know because they're on such a different level than us.


I also think that unlike.


A spiritual and also physical level, like when people and pets and soul mates in an all inclusive category leave us.


They leave such an imprint on us, like what you said, like you're changed forever, like what you'd like, you are forever changed. You've been instilled with this greater wisdom in this greater love and a sense of peace and faith. And that is Mario, do you know what I mean? Like, I've I've lost a lot of people who are very important to me.


And for a really long time, I didn't know how to make peace with that. And I would curse them for leaving me. And so it really resonated with me when you talked about the souls and our plans and the plans that our souls have with each other in these packs, but there was going to be with us for the specific time, for a specific reason.


And even though the pain is so cruel for those of us that are left in this realm. The fact that we could feel so strongly for such a for any period of time is so beautiful. You. There's there's an interesting coincidence in what you're saying with the the angel thing, so I I was basically raised by this other woman who has no blood connection to me, and she passed away when I was 17 of cancer.


And the one thing I had asked is that she promised me that she'd never die. And she was so sorry when she was diagnosed with cancer and was going to die.


And the night that she passed away, she was in a hospice care center, but they had taken her phone away because. Of the painkillers she was on, she was kind of loopy and I couldn't speak to her anymore and she was in a different town and I couldn't drive. And the night she passed away, I had a dream that she was driving me around my hometown and I was sitting in the back seat and I was just crying. And I just kept saying, please don't go, please don't go.


And she just reached back into the. Into the seat where I was sitting and put her hand on my chest and I could feel it in real life and I could feel it in my dream and she said, it is my time. I have to go. And one of the things I inherited from her was this angel, and it's a tiny little silver angel that I keep next to my bed to this day and. You know, I didn't know what to do because there's nothing I can do to make you feel better.


There's nothing I can do to make you feel better. I could tell you I love you. I can tell you I'm sorry, but there's nothing else. And one of the things that came immediately to my mind was I want to get them an angel statue.


So when you just shared that story, I just was covered in chills because that's an absurd coincidence. That's an absurd coincidence to think I'm going to get them an angel statue. Well, thank you, but I know that my tiny little thing makes me feel better, but also just the fact that our planet, our souls have a plan forever and for always, and that that is always consistent, that there's a massive part of who I am in my heart and who how I behave and my kindness to other people.


That is from my godmother who's no longer with me, but her voice is in my fucking head. And I am a better person because of that voice, and I love. Deeper because of that voice, and I have a faith in something bigger than myself because of that voice and it took me, you know. That's nine years to find a way and not be mad, but I mean, you're texting. And yesterday I just like hysterically started crying and then Chain started crying because you were just like it will be like you guys were such good dads and such a loving home.


And through time you'll find you'll make sense of it or find the purpose even though it hurts. And we were both just bawling and so crazy.


You said the dream thing because it's something that I'm always going to tell people now. And I told Rylan was so since I was little, when somebody in my family would die, I would have a dream the night before or the night that they were dying in the hospital or something. And I would have a dream and they would come to me and tell me that they were going to die or that, you know, they love me and it's happened with every grandparent or relative.


And it's crazy because I wake up and it's so real, so real. And it's usually then when they're a little younger, which is always been interesting, it's them. Before I even knew that, um, like my grandma when she was 30. Why did I see her when she was 30? Because I didn't really recognize her. Anyways, the night that we were in bed and we were waiting, we were going to get a phone call in the morning about Mario.


And, you know, they were trying to be kind of nice and like, you know, like maybe he'll be OK and, you know, but I knew I knew the second I heard the crying. And when we ran out, I knew. I knew. So that night when we went to sleep, I had a dream that I was in animal hospital and that Mario came to me, but he like was like more of a person, like he was, yeah, I knew it was him, but then he kind of turned into a man like you, turned into a person and he just said that he's my angel, he loves me.


And we were just talking, sitting in a table talking like it felt so real. And when I woke up, Rylan woke me up and said, You called and said that he passed away. And I had this like the weirdest feeling of just like. Peace, because I knew, I knew, I knew he was my angel, I knew he he made me feel so peaceful in my sleep. So and then you had the dream about her, like before she passed.


And I told Rylan, I said I said you should ask, like, maybe Morio can come visit you in your dream or something and then you did. But he didn't visit you but your grandparents did.


Yeah. Shane was like, well you can ask Mario like to come visit you and make peace of it. And I did before I was falling asleep, we were like, we just like. We went to sleep and I I said, Mario, come visit me, come tell me, like help me make sense of this, because I felt so much guilt, like I was taking it on as my own pain. And I just wanted him to know that I was sorry and I didn't mean to do it to him and.


He didn't come to me, but my grandparents, who I have not made connection with or felt a vibe from or had a ghostly energy or experience with both of them, my grandpa and my grandma made an appearance in my dream, and I don't clearly remember our conversation, but I know exactly where we were and I remember how impactful it was. And it was just so weird that in that moment and then we kind of saw the soul family thing and I thought, oh, Mario's up in the old family with my grandparents who are with Shane's past grandparents, which also has an element of us up there as well.


And we just keep having these crazy, crazy moments today. I feel less I'm sad, but I'm not hysteric. And I think it's because I've finally figured out how to make peace with what happened, although it's like we walk past the room or open the door and we still have a meltdown. I now feel like, oh, he came into our lives for this specific reason and it was always meant to be. And there was nothing that was going to alter his existence, his time or his purpose on this planet.


Oh, yeah, he like he is the most and it sounds so crazy, but he is the most beside you, of course, but the most important, like meaningful person animal literally being that I have ever connected with. Like I had the strongest connection to him, stronger than any I've ever had with anyone except for you.


It was probably more than maybe it was the week that you're qualifying.


I when I talk to Mr. Bub's, I'm like, I'd fucking marry. It was cool. Like, I love you. You're my soulmate. Don't tell it like it is.


I can't explain the amount of the connection because I loved this little cat.


But Shane, he would sit in there because he was in the room while we were getting him used to the other animals. And he would sit in that room for maybe five or six hours a day just sitting in there doing nothing but playing with them. And there was this overwhelming sense of joy when you open that door, because he was always so excited to see us and be with us and play with us. And I don't know what it was with these two specifically, but they were like they could speak to each other, like telepathically or sometimes playing on your foot.


When we were chatting in the makeup room was this he trusted Shane with everything, like he trusted he would let Shane do anything to him.


And when he got here, he watch out. Yeah. Just a choice of words, right? I don't care.


I'm not going to anything for me.


Like, what was so crazy to me is like I was thinking about it and I was like giving him a bath and having him, trust me, even though all the videos I watched on the Internet were like, this is going to fucking end bad, you're going to be fucked up, scratch all over the face, like you got to grab them by the neck and do all the shit that I was like, I'm not doing that.


Yeah. I'm just going to hopefully he trusts me and he literally I think I face time. Yeah. He trusted me so much. And giving him a bath that is higher up on my list of memories, like when I'm on my deathbed, like things I'm going to think about that I love that fills me with joy. Like a video getting twenty million views. That's not even on top five hundred. Like anything career wise, like a collab, a fucking video that did well trending like not nothing can compare to.


Giving Mario Baths, um, standing with you outside of the hospital, um. It was a bad memory, but it still was like meaningful in one of the most pivotal of our it's the most haunting, horrific memory I have. That means so much. I'll never forget the two of us. At three, I'm holding hands and preparing to say goodbye to something that was so very important to us.


Yeah, but I also think it was like the first time me and you have ever been on, because I consider myself a very overly emotional, sensitive cancer, like to a point where it's a problem. I know Chris is also a cancer, our cameraman.


He gets it. And, you know, when you're in a relationship, you wonder, like, am I too emotional for this person or are they eventually going to be like, I can't yeah, I can't deal with this.


Being outside of the hospital with you holding your hand, I felt we were on the same emotional wavelength, the same page, because when I got canceled, like, yeah, it was hard and I was crying and it was like intense and all these things. But that's at the end of the day, who gives a fuck like that's Twitter and YouTube and subscriber's losing.


It doesn't it's not real like grounded life like it is, but it's not. And it's something where it's not going to kill me. It's not life or death like this was literally life or death. It was our child, our baby, like, you know, and it was like holding your hand and being on that same level. And it was like, we're going to do this probably multiple times throughout our life. We're going to go through hard times.


We're together. We're on the same page you emotionally get me. You don't think I'm overreacting. We're together like it was so powerful. And I don't know what else could have made that happen. Like besides a person dying in our life, which I like at this point, I can't God, please, I can't take that right now, like, oh, my God. But like, I don't know, maybe that was part of the plan, too, because now I'm like, let's have kids, I'm ready.


Let's do this. You're pregnant. Like, let's do this. Like, fuck you, too. I'm quitting. Like, I'm a dad now. Like that. I'm kidding. I still want to work in my life, but like, you know what I mean. Like, I'm ready ready for that next part of our life. Yeah. Thank you, Mario. I'm ready for a baby that's not mine. Do you want to wait? I want your child.


Do you want to carry on? You don't want that.


Just no smoking.


You don't see the smoke coming out of the room like it bleeds ranch.


OK, I got it. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't laughed in like. Oh my God, it's so crazy. No, we only laughed. We haven't watched anything funny. Like I've been watching sad videos.


I had a meltdown because. I was I still hadn't I was working on the day that our last podcast went live, and I really like to watch our videos because I'm a little bit surprised by them every time, because I black out a little bit when we do this. And it's a stressful situation.


But I played it back and there was a lot of me that just felt like. I wish I hadn't said a lot of things, you know what I mean, just like the power of the haunted me. And it's not it's not your it's it's no one's fault. And it's the same reason. Right. And the time I brought up, like, oh, let's do our craziest funeral demand. And I was like, no, we can't speak that into existence.


And similarly, like but it was written in the way of the world.


You knew. You knew. That's the thing, too. It's like I used to do these videos where it was like, you know, I don't know, creepy videos. And there would always be those things, like somebody died. And before they died, they tweeted something very ominous and very like, you know, telling a kind of psychic. And you I thought about that because you on the podcast were like, oh, what if the dog smother him to death?


Like, what if something like that happens? But it's funny because you're probably I'm assuming I mean, I, I know how close you guys are, but I'm assuming we're in the same soul family you knew, right. Your soul knew and your soul knew to kind of put that in there as a way to look back and know that it was meant to happen. It was meant to be like which is so dark. But that's how it feels like.


It feels like, oh, that that's why that like even today. So I was so afraid to tell Moses who gave us Mario. And I finally just I told Trish. And then I told Moses and he messaged me back and he gave me the most beautiful text about angels and everything, and then he goes, he goes, I literally posted a video nine hours ago about losing and grief and dealing with loss. And he sent it to me and I watched it.


I cried for the whole time. And I was just like, how is that happening? Nine hours ago, he made a video about grief and loss is just so crazy. Everything is so connected and like. Even this, like I wasn't expecting to even show my face on the Internet for years, like ever, I feel there's so many reasons to feel so ugly. I don't want to do this. And it's like the only thing that could have even got me to do this is knowing that Mario wants me to, but also that people out there watching, listening, hopefully get something out of this.


The way that I got so much out of the videos I watched, I feel like I've never heard that part of there's a bit of our souls in the whole world as well. Yeah.


And that makes me feel incredibly comforted because I feel like it's so easy to feel really alone when you lose somebody that knowing that they don't miss you like there is a part of you that exists with them eternally in another space, just like they exist with you eternally in this space. Yeah, and not just that. That's an incredibly comforting thought.


Yeah. It's the more it's more of you like here on Earth, it's 10 percent of our soul probably. And then over there it's the other ninety percent. So it's like your God mom is is on the other side with the other 90 percent of you and they're just living. That's how much fun they're loving it, smoking all over the place.


We're probably making houses out of refrigerator boxes because like that was our thing. Yeah. And like and that's why especially it makes sense why, like, people have intuition, premonitions, gut feelings, like all of deja vu, all of those things to me now I'm like, oh, it's me, right. It's my soul telling me. It's the voice in my head. It's my soul on the other side. Like, don't do this, do this, don't say that, say that.


Like, you know, it's like string theory and like the maybe it's called quantum physics, I don't actually know.


But the philosophy that all things that have ever happened are all happening all at the same time and that there are strings that interconnect between all of us that go from right now in present time as we as humans understand it, to the Big Bang, to our last day, which explains intuition, which explains soul mates, which explains meeting somebody that you feel like you're drawn to, like a magnet, like I knew Joe was the one before I met him in real life.


I saw his picture on Instagram, on Facebook, and I said, that will be mine.


He did the exact same. I saw video where Riley was in a clever video. And this is I was I wasn't I don't even remember where it was at the state of my life, but I was watching TV. I don't even know if I came out yet. I was watching TV and you were in a video just eating lunch. And I looked at you and I said, I'm hearing him. That's my husband, though it was a crazy and I told my friend Drew about it and I was like, really weird.


I think I'm going to marry him. And Drew was like, do you know, like, I was so weird. I was like, I don't know. I mean, marry him. And then when we met on Bumble, I was like, in my head, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm marrying you. So, like, get ready. And now we are all of and it's the same thing with you.


So, yeah, I want to I, I wanted to have our actual wedding two weeks into knowing him because I knew he was the right one for me. And I also knew that that would be a provocative thing to do that would upset my family.


But he's, you know, emotionally stable. So he said no to that.


But another thing that I was thinking of is I think Ramdas has this saying, and when my grandpa Gordon passed away, one of the things that he had always imparted to me growing up is that our our souls are within these shells, which are our bodies, and these bodies are our spacesuits and our entire life. These shells, our spacesuits are just what we wear as we walk each other home. And the walk home is like when our lives are over, we are home and we are home with our social partners.


And I really like the idea of them all being like legally bound, like we've all signed these contracts to just fuck with each other forever.


And like we all have different job descriptions that we're like are soul attorneys have litigated all of our behalves.


And I feel really I do feel really safe and secure knowing that, because so often I just no matter how much work I do in regards to the grief that I feel because.


I had a really weird upbringing where I was raised by kind of a lot of people and most of them were really old people and for the longest time I just was like, fuck, if I ever meet another old person and let them in because the pain of losing them is so fucked.


But then. Even though our time has cut so short, like I value so much of what I've gleaned from them because they were so truly vulnerable, because they had less time and they were fearless because they didn't give a shit about how they were perceived.


They just loved. And if you didn't love back then, OK, that's fine. That's your choice, not to look back. But I still love you. I'll just always remember that, like, we're just all on a trip back home. We're all like, no matter who they are, be it your foe or your best friend, we are all walking each other home.


And I really like that sentiment.


I felt that it was really important to do this not only because you guys were introduced to him and I didn't want him to disappear from our lives. And have you guys be curious as to where he was? Because half of all I do is post photos of my animals. And it would I mean, I haven't even been able to open the Internet because I can't fathom the thought of seeing all of your wonderful I mean, maybe now I'll be able to.


But when it was happening, I couldn't fathom seeing the posts and edits of how much I'm sure that you've already fallen in love with Mario, as did we. But I thought it was an important story worth sharing in the chance that you're grieving the loss of anything. It could be a friend, an animal, a loved one. And I think it's especially animals. They people lose animals so often. And I know that us watching videos we've probably consumed, I don't even know how many hours of people talking about their experiences, how they dealt with it, coped with it and what it means.


And we've done I mean, we've done a lot of healing and I mean, we're not done. But in a short amount of time, we found some clarity. And I think even as time goes on, the purpose for Mario entering our lives will become even more so clear. And like you said, I think it's made us even more confident in our abilities with one another and to have a future together and how we can act or react to situations that are out of our control and just.


Hard to make sense of. All right, you guys. Well, I hope that you gained something out of listening or watching today's video. I thank you for joining this journey and listening with open hearts and minds. And if it helped you, that means everything to all of us here. And we will see you again soon. She would talk about Charlie the millionaire. I missed all the drama I have and I had to clean my house to not bother you people with this, OK, so respectful of your space.


I have no idea what's going on. But you know what, I.