From Wundry and Dr.

Suess, broadcasting all the way from Mount Crumpet Studios, the only podcast recording space officially condemned by the U. S. Department of Health and Human Services, Tiz the Gritch Holiday talk show. This week, comedian, actor and rat chef extraordinary, Pattyon Oswalt, and fresh out of the bath and still sopping wet, Max the Dog! But first, here he is, the mean one, the green one, the GRIM!

I'm.

Not that mean. Come on. I'm justifiably angry about literally everything all the time like every normal person should be if they're paying attention. I mean, not you, kids. You have nothing to be angry about. Everything is sunshine, lollipops and ice cream cones. All is well. Except for me. And let me tell you why.

Hold onto your seats, keep on your pants. The Grinch is going on one of his rants.

Here's the thing. They say I hate the hoos. That's what the book about me says. He hates the hoos. Look, hate for no reason is a dangerous thing. There's too much of it, and I don't stand for it. But I have real concrete reasons to deeply dislike the who's. I could give you like 50, but I'll start with these three.

Wow! Okay, you're just coming right out and saying why you dislike us.

Yeah, that's Cindy, my kid producer who has no shortage of creatively stifling notes at all times. Okay, the first concrete reason to deeply dislike the hoos is they started putting their Christmas decorations up the day after Halloween. You can't have lights and candy canes where there were just pumpkin and cackling skulls like 12 hours ago. That's absurd. We need to get some ground rules, okay? We need to engage in diplomatic talks to come to an agreement on just how long the whole holiday season is. The Hoos keep making it longer and longer and longer every year, okay? The second reason I deeply dislike the Hoos people is because it was the Hoos who ended one of the very few simple pleasures I had in this life, grabbing a bite down at the stankhouse, brew, and burger joint in East Hooville. You know the place. Always smelled like burnt tires. Over there in that industrial park down the street from the canned roast beast factory. Anyway, it was a great joint, and now it's gone. All because some goodie to who decided to buy the place and turn it into a business called, I can barely say it, Mr.

Yumbies. Yep, it's a stink and Cupcake place now. And not a good Cupcake place either. One of those kitschy Cupcake shops that sells teeny tiny cookies the size of a bottle cap. I have teeth bigger than those cookies. Here's a universal rule. Cupcake should be big enough to plug a hole in the side of a boat. And finally, the number three reason I justifiable cannot stand the who's, they're always so happy.

Honestly.

Like who is genuinely that happy.

All the time?

It is strange. Okay, that's it, Grinch out. Now let's open the advent calendar. Look, now you got to give me some credit here. For a guy who genuinely does not like Christmas to make my very own Grinch advent calendar? Oh, seven feet by seven feet of it, sturdy, solid wood, and particle board. Look at this beauty. Well, you can't look at it, but if you could, you'd be impressed.

All right, let's open.

Advent calendar door.

Number.

Eight. Let me describe for you today's wonderfully wonderful, gifting do. It's a sure-fire hit, a gift everyone loves. It's certainly more useful than two turtle doves. I'm hyming again.

Aren't I?

Yes, you are, Mr. Rich. Oh, boy. Now this is something every boy or girl can really use at Christmas time. It's a rebate coupon for Toys for Timber. That's right, you extremely lucky kiddos. Toys for Timber is a government-funded, useless toy buyback program that gives you cashback plus 20 % for all those lame, boring, wooden toys no kid has ever asked for in the history of Christmas.

Like, Oh, wow.

A wooden yo- yo or a little wooden chip. Just what I didn't ask for. Thanks, Santa! Anyway, bring this coupon and any dopey wooden toy that Santa pawned off on you this holiday.

Season to one.

Of seven area Toys for Timber designated drop-off locations slash dimly lit loading docks. Toys for Timber will sell it as firewood to warm, sinking families. So remember, take the cash in a flash. Head down to Toys to timber and from lousy wood. Cash that can do you good. Do you good. You're a monster, Mr.

Greench.

Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders. You got garlic in your soul, Mr. Greench. I wouldn't touch you with a 39 and a half foot pole. As much as I crumble, as much as I gripe, even the Grinch likes.

To toggle and swipe.

That's right, even the Grinch has a smartphone. I click, I clack, I tap and tap, but I don't gram because I'm not a ham. Stop hyming, Grinch. Jeez, it's a disease. Even that vibes. Lemon and limes. Enough!

Anyway, it's true.

I have a phone.

Which means I have apps.

And today, just in time for the holidays, I want to point out some killer new ones in a cleverly named complete waste of time, we're calling...

What's happening?

First up is an app perfect for all your last minute holiday travel arrangements. Cave BNB. Just enter your zip code and the type of cave you like, and then click if you want stalagmites or stalktites, and boom, you're in a beautiful, damp, rocky hole in the earth. It's just that easy. Okay, moving on. You've heard of the food delivery app, DoorDash? Well, this app's even better. It's called DoorDish.

After you're done eating a meal at.

Home, leave the dirty dish on your front steps, and for a small fee, DoorDish will pick it up and leave it at the door of your least favorite neighbor.

Is.

That really worth it? Well, it depends on how angry you are when you get home and find a plate I ate batwings off of. Mr. Grinch. See, you're already mad. It works. Okay, I love this next one. I don't know about you, but my body makes a lot of strange noises. In fact, it's mic'd up right now, so let's turn the Grinch body mic up here. Thanks to this app, Shizoinks, the Shazam for off-putting bodily noises, I can now identify any alarming sounds emanating from my body. Okay, check this out. That weird dripping sound there. Let's Shazoinks it. Okay, here we go. The app is working. Interesting, Shizoinks says I have a possible leak in my lower left flux capacitor.

That sounds medically accurate.

I should get that checked out. All right, moving on. I love this next one, but not everyone does. It's an app called Hooper. Need a ride? Use Hooper, and a who will be at your door in no time. Just hop on the hoos back and they'll take you.

Around wherever you need.

To go. Wait, you ride them? Like a horse? Is that legal?

Don't know, and don't go spoil a good thing, okay? This is the best app since Instagram. Instagram? Is that- A version of Instagram that just accounts full of pictures of delicious hams? Yes, it is. And finally, this is a fantastic app. It's called I got to take this. It's very simple. You just type in a date and time when you want to receive a phone call.

To.

Interrupt you when you're in the middle of something you want to get out of. For instance, I want to end this bit, and I have the foresight to schedule.

This for...

Oh, my gosh. Sorry, Cindy. I got to take this, okay?

Hello? Yes.

What is.

This about?

Oh, yes, yes. I can talk about my long-distance plan.

When you're finished with your fake.

Phone call-Oh, really?

Oh, really? It's that expensive.

Well, tell me more.

Okay, Mr. Grinch. Now hang up your fake conversation because our next guest is waiting. Okay, here we go. Speak right into the mic and...

My guest tonight.

Is the voice of Remy and Ratatouille and Max the.

Jack Russell Terrier in The Secret Life of Pets. You can also regularly find him geeking out about various Cinematic universes, obscure graphic novels.

Complicated comic.

Book loremug and gaggle of.

Cosplaying weirdos at your local comic con.

Please welcome the very funny, Padden Oswalt. Hi, Padden. How are.

You doing? I'm great after that intro. I'm even better.

What's a good intro? How would you rate that intro?

I would rate it as a seven because even though, yes, there's some bile, but it's very thorough and time was taken to capture my essence.

Whether or not I'm a big fan of yours, that remains to be seen. But let's get right into it. Why do you love comic books and fantasy so much?

Where are you running from? What do you hate so much about real life that you got to be an escapist all the time?

It's not that I hate real life. It's that I'm disappointed by real life a lot of times. And comic books and fantasy often give you the endings and the payback toward the awful people in the world that are often lacking in the real world. So if that helps me get.

Through the day. Right. You're not hurting anybody. Thank you.

It's just if I'm reading Pride and Prejudice.

Wouldn't it be so much more exciting if Mr. Darcy could shoot lasers from his eyes?

Yes. Do you read Pride.

And Prejudice? I have read some Jane Austen before.

Oh, I loved Emma. Wait, is she the one who wrote The Five People You Meet in Heaven?

No, that is a completely different author and I think different time. Oh, okay. Not Jane Austin, but okay, good book. That's again a weird book for you. Hang on. Who would be the five people you would want to see.

In heaven? Number one, Abu from Aladdin. Okay. Next, it would probably be Bob Barker. Because I want to ask him why he dyed his hair for so long and what made him make the switch to be in a silver fox.

It sounds like these are people you want to meet in heaven so you can settle some scores rather than be with them and be happy.

I suppose that's true because the next three are the Jonas Brothers, and they owe me like 40 bucks.

Okay, yeah, this is definitely a settling scores thing.

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. And I'm not so sure those Jonas Brothers would be in heaven. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, pay me back, guys.

Patty, and you created your own comic book series called Minor.

Threats about a group of C-list comic.

Book villain. Yes. As a celebrity, what list are you on? Are you considered a list? Because I.

Haven't seen yet the meetings.

At best, I am C-plus B-minus. I'm just at that level where I can make a nice living, and if I want to, I can go to a restaurant with a book and sit and read. A-list requires, look, I'm telling you stuff you already know, requires security, requires lookalikes and decoys. You subscribe to magazines under different addresses to throw people off where you live. I mean, it's half of.

Your day. Oh, yeah, it gets really complicated. It's one of those things. It's seasonal for me. Oh. And I think that's why I don't like Christmas so much is because that's when everybody's watching the movie and it's like, I get it, you like the movie, but leave me alone.

Oh, that's when you get.

Swarmed, right? That's what I'm always get, kids love it, adults love it. Everybody loves it. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it's not.

Like Will.

Ferrell has to put on the Elf costume every day.

Yes, you are a celebrity in real life. If people see you, they know you.

People see me coming. It usually starts belly first. They see the belly first.

There you go. I got my eyes are up.

Here, honey. Now, is there a, as I'm sure you're well known in America. Is there a foreign country where you're inexplicably massive? Like, are there places that, oh, you cannot set foot? You will be completely torn to shreds.

Well, I used to love to go to France, but they've got their own grinch there called.

Papa.

Grange. Oh, my goodness.

What? Yeah, they have their own grinch, and he's really big there, and he's hotter.

Than me.

Oh, no. I met him in Heathrow one time, and he was a total jerk. And I said, This is my guy. Yeah.

Do you consider me a villain?

I think that you're in pain. There's a lot of come here, go away in you. Come here, go away. Come here, go away. You attack by retreating.

I think I do maybe have something like that.

Yeah. I think that's.

Maybe a problem. Can I just make a suggestion? And I don't want to- By all means. -step under any toes. Maybe a couple of days a week, you don't forgive your sofa the horrible things you've done, and you actually own them and let that help you grow. A little bit of vulnerability goes a long way in attracting friends.

Vulnerability. You know, that's what makes Dart Peter such a sympathetic character for me, is the sound of his respiratory. It's like this guy has trouble breathing.

Oh, he's vulnerable.

Yeah. He's a little vulnerable. And that's what makes me want to hug him so much. I'm watching the Star Wars movies. Everybody's cheering for Luke. Go, Luke. And I'm like, well, Dorothy is the one who wants to restore balance to the force.

Yes, exactly. And I'm sorry, maybe bring some order to the galaxy.

I'm sorry things are so unruly. I mean, did you take a look in that cantina? I mean, people were not forming cues and lines.

Take a look in the cantina. You're right. They're all fighting. They're all threatening each other. You have to cut someone's arm off to get a drink.

Would it kill the galaxy.

To be ruled by the cold iron fist of.

A.

Sith Lord? Take a look at the floors and the Death Star. Polished like mirrors.

I'm looking at the Death Star. I say, It's gray in here.

Very, very polished.

Everybody's clothes are tailored well. Do you think I could hack it as a villain in the minor threats universe? I mean.

You're the villain expert.

Well, here's the problem, though. These are C and D level humans, and it's ensemble piece. And please take this as a compliment. You would suck all the oxygen out of the room. Come on. The focus would go on you. We're dwelling on the Grinch again. Oh, here he is. He took over again. Now it's called.

Major Threat.

I think a lot of people in Hooverville considered me to be a major threat.

You're the Baba Yaga of the Hooverville Universe.

Baba Yaga, was he a... No, he wasn't in Crosby, Stills, and Nash. No. Baba Yaga. Who's that guy?

Baba Yaga.

He's a blue-oister cult. Is that.

What he was at? No, you're thinking of Bakdarmah. No, that? Baba Yaga is a Russian folklore demon that even criminals are afraid of. He's like how you scare criminals. Even criminals decorate their lairs for Christmas, I would imagine. So you would come in and steal all that stuff so they'd even be afraid of you.

You know what I mean? Oh, Baba Yaga, he's like my buddy Kampas.

God, you have so many walls.

I do have a lot of walls. I live in a literal cavern.

The whole thing's wall. I don't even have a ceiling or a floor. It's all wall.

Have you ever thought of going on maybe Dr. Phil's show or a show where they really get people to open up. Or do you think that would.

Be dangerous? Let me see if I can do Dr. Phil. Sometimes I do voices. Let me see if I can do Dr. Phil.

Oh, you do.

You need to be a Grinch. Slobby Christmas is.

A Sedge. Does that sound like Dr. Phil? Yeah.

Sorry, I'm not a professional voice-over artist like A. Lister, patent Oswold.

You're a voice-over artist. It's the best part of the job that you get to do it in your underwear.

You can do it in your sweatpants, do it in your underwear. It is very freeing.

I like that. I try.

To live a pretty open lifestyle.

Really? In terms of my clothing, I tend to go bottomless. Yeah. They don't make a lot of pants my size because my waist is like 50, but my ad seam is like something like 27. And nobody's making high waisted anymore. Not for guys.

No, they're really not.

But then I'd have that frumpy 90s look.

No, that's.

Not good. I'm trying to tamp.

Down the frump.

Oh, really? I want a beauty line.

Okay.

That is the next phase of.

My career. Well, I think the first step in that would be to become a fashion and beauty influencer. So why don't we pretend like you have an Instagram account and you're doing a thing, a quick little video, what product? Like a shampoo. And what would you say about it? You've got to be an influencer. You got to win people over there. Let's see how the Grinch would do it.

Hi, I'm Grinch for the new Grinch shampoo. Did you know it agitates the lice that live in your scalp? Send them crazy with new Grinchy lice-angering shampoo. How'd that look?

I already see it being shared and going viral right there.

Oh, I'm already getting hits on this thing. I didn't even realize I posted it. Oh, and I'm getting comments right now from fans. Let's see what it looks like.

Okay.

Here we go. Isn't this the guy who stole Christmas? Didn't he ruin everything for everybody? Why am I following this guy? I hate when these things pop up on my Discover page. Oh, this is the green guy who stole all of my toys. This isn't healthy.

Yeah, but how many comments are you getting?

It's getting a lot of engagement. I've got six comments here.

Six?

And they're all from the same guy. They're all from a guy named mashed potatoes 29.

Okay, well, that's not great, right?

Well, whatever.

Maybe you do a Christmas themed thing on your socials just because of the season, because that would be counter programming. Wait a minute, the Grinch. What is happening? Could you try to do an Instagram video where you say you like, just one aspect to Christmas. Let's see if.

You can do it. Oh, you're saying that if I could go on inside hating Christmas and despising the season, but I'm embracing the fakeness.

And the artifice of social media.

See if you can do it without the hatred breaking through.

I'm going to try it real quick. Okay. I'm going to try it real quick. All right. Hey, everybody. Thanks for following me. It's the grid.

You know, I love-.

Keep going. -the holiday season.

There you go. There you go.

And Christmas.

Is.

Fun.

Keep it together.

And it.

Makes me happy. Oh, you're bleeding out of your nose. I'm happier than I've ever been. Your nose is bleeding. I can't do it. I can't do it. God, okay. Don't post that. I won't. All right, you tried.

I tried. Cindy Lue, who is waving her clipboard at me. Okay, please note this next question is not something I care to discuss.

But I'm obligated to ask as part of my settlement with the town of Hooverill.

What do you look forward to most about Christmas? And has that change now that you're a father? I'm just reading what's written on the paper. You don't have to answer it, but I.

Legally have to. Well, I'd like to answer it if that's okay. You have some tissues ready?

Yeah, I got a whole box here. Okay, good. Go for it.

I really, really love the fact that it's the time of year where things actually, for me, slow down a little bit. And I can just be with the fam and remind our daughter not just how much we love her by the gifts we give her, but there's no one I'd rather spend time with either we're vacationing or home. You just remind the people that you love how much you love them. Your nose is bleeding again, dude. It is bleeding.

Wow. I'm listening and I'm.

Not moving. Well, you're trembling, but you're not moving.

I'm doing my best to get through this without having some episode. Really? I got to ask that, too?

Yeah, thank you.

Oh, gosh. Best Christmas gift.

You ever received.

I mean, the best Christmas gift you ever received. I mean, the best Christmas gift I ever received, shecan come at Christmas, but definitely my daughter. It's Christmas every day with her.

Even though she's 14 now and she hates you?

You know what? Yes. Even though she's 14 and she hates me, I will just love her even more every single day of her life.

Oh, my God.

I can't hold it back, Pat.

Okay.

Give me that. Give me that.

Are.

You okay? Are you coming.

Out of it? No, I'm not okay. Give me that.

Give me that. Hey, I.

Feel like we did a breakthrough here. I feel okay about this.

Is this what it's like to be.

On Dr. Phil? I've never been on, but I know people who've been on and he really does strip you down.

Pattyant, thank you so much for doing the show. I got.

One last question.

For you. Absolutely, Mr. Grinch.

Superhero gadgets.

Oh. You can.

Only choose one. My choice is one of those men in black, Neuralizers, so I could erase all memory of this conversation. There you go.

But what about you? Well, I think my favorite would probably.

Be -Bobafet's jet pack.

Oh, you know what? Yeah, I am going to go with Bobafet's jet pack. It seems a little janky, and it got him spat into a Sarlac. But yeah, I want that jet pack.

Yeah, it's like, Oh, I can't wait to see him use a jet pack. And then somebody bumps into him. Literally. Like a guy nudges him at a party and he launches into a giant creature mouth.

Yeah, it's suddenly, Return of the Jedi turns into an episode of Gilligan's Island for like a minute.

I haven't watched Gilligan's Island in so long. I don't remember Bob and Phett being on that show.

It wouldn't surprise me if he was. Why not? They threw everybody on there.

Why haven't you ever done it? Why haven't I been on Gilligan's Island? Because they got the whole Harlem Globetrodders.

It's because they go with whoever's big in the zeitgeist right now. So we're not going to be on, but, yeah, BoyGenius will be on. That whoever is really that's who will be on the show.

Yeah. Are they not making new episodes of Gilligan's Island anymore? I need to yell at my agent, Hey, Justin and Matt and Josh and Josh and Justin and the other Matt. Why am I not on Gilligan's Island with Pat and Oswalt?

Wow. Is that the name of their company?

It's Josh and Justin and Matt and Matt and Justin and Josh and Josh and Justin and Matt, and they're at CAA.

Oh, I used to be at CAA. I would walk by, I think it's the third Josh's office, and I would always hear him. You can list him, but he won't.

Show up. Yeah, they say, Totally put him on the poster, but he's not coming.

Yeah, put him on the marquis. He won't be there.

He won't be there. Yeah. I'm an enigma. All right, well, thank you so much, Pat, and thanks for stopping by.

Well, thank you so much and happy holidays. I'm not specifying which one.

That's what I'm talking about, baby.

Patty and Oswold, everybody. What a great guy. You think.

He was offended that I asked him about his underwear? I feel like when you're a.

Famous comedian, you owe the public one piece of information about your underwear.

If asked respectfully.

Of course, Patty.

You've checked that box, so now you never have to address it again. On an.

Unrelated note.

It is just.

Now occurring to me that I have not.

Done laundry since 2009. I'm going to hand-wash some intimate while Sandy tells you about.

The lay-modes behind the scenes. Hi. You're a found one, Mr. Grinch. You're a nasty, wasty, scunk. Your heart is full of unwasheded socks. Your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch. The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I.

Quote, Steaky, stanky, stanky.

Follow.

Tiz the Grinch holiday.

Talk show on the Wundery app, Amazon Music.

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Tiz the Grinch holiday talk show is a production of Wundery and Dr. Sue, enterprises, hosted by James Austin Johnson as The Grinch. With Anjali Kinnippinani as Cindy Lu-hoo, that's me, and Antonia Taminik as theannounser. This episode was written by Dan Cronin, sound design by Jamie Cooper, with additional sound design by Kelly Cromerick. Music supervision by Scott Vulaski for Frisian Sync. Our senior producer is Jennifer Klein Walker. Ayana White is our associate producer. Our managing producer is Sarah Mathis, and our senior managing producer is Calin Plus. Carlos Hernandez is our audio engineer. Audio assistants by Andrew Law and Adrian Topio. Executive producer by Susan Brandt at Dr. Suez enterprises. Executive producers are Lauren D, Dave Easton, Andrew Goldstein, and Marcia Louis for WNDY.

Wndy's Kids and Family Podcast, Little Stories Everywhere, transports your family to an imaginative world with enchanting stories and exciting adventures. Each episode of Little Stories Everywhere will take you on a magical journey that's sure to entertain your whole family. Let the adventures begin. I'm about to play a clip from Little Stories Everywhere. Follow Little Little Stories Everywhere on the Wundry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Every.

Year, when the air is crisp and the fluffy snow begins to fall, Santa takes a small detour before returning to the North Pole. He road trips across America. Santa loves roadtrips. It's the best way for him to catch up with friends and family who he misses when he is busy getting ready for Christmas. He gets up extra early, opens the door to his garage, and lifts the dusty cover off his bright red '94 convertible slay. It's a classic complete with snowflake lasers, a hot chocolate dispenser, and of.

Course, surround sound.

Rudolph, there's reindear-friendly pizzas in the freezer if you get hungry. I hung your laundry in the stable. Please wait for it to dry before you put it on this pie.

And with that, Santa's slay takes flight. He soars across the ocean, watching as the rising sun spreads a warm pink.

Glow across the sky. Here we go. Landing mode engaged. Touchdown in three, two, one.

Listen to Little Stories Everywhere early and ad-free right now by joining Wundery Plus in the Wundery app or Wundery Kids Plus on Apple podcasts.