Welcome back to Unfiltered Paid podcast. This is your host, Meredith Foster, and today I'm here with a very special guest. Really swell. The swell like the ocean guys. Yeah, there we go. So Riley and I met through Janine, who was the last guest on the podcast. Riley is so talented, you guys. She is a writer. She's writing a book. And I know about that.

She also is she works on an Instagram page with her guy friend Riley. It's called Riley Riley. I'll have a link in the description box. You guys can go check it out. And it's all about being whole in singleness. It's so helpful. And it's actually helped me so much to learn more about myself and my dating journey. And just she provides so much wisdom and knowledge. So I highly recommend go follow that account and go check out their lives and everything.

So I'm really excited because today we're going to be talking about something that honestly I've avoided talking about on this podcast. And honestly, in general, I was really blessed and I'm like, I'm not talking about masturbation and porn on this. I was like, no, no, I'm going to text Riley and we're not going to do I'm not doing this. But then I'm like, not cedella telling me he doesn't he doesn't want this out there. But I know last time we hung out, we talked about how I don't know if it was you said this or if it was me, but this is my experience.

So I was exposed. And this is this is a true story. No time for this. Before I was exposed to pornography, when I was very young, I was probably in first grade. And I don't even remember how how I found it. Like I was sitting in an office in my home and I was on the computer. And it was either I typed it in honestly to like I don't even know how I found it, but I found it.

And I had friends in school that were telling me, like, what sex was. I honestly learned about sex from my friends that were like in first grade and like we didn't know anything. We just, like, regurgitated what we were told. They just we we didn't know what sex was. So I honestly, I think when I first started thinking about sex, my mind immediately went to what I saw in pornography. And that's how I viewed it, because that was my first exposure to it.

Wow. And there's something called the first interpretation theory. And it's the idea that you form 80 percent of your opinion on something the first time you see it. So that's why so many kids these days are learning about sex through pornography, which in itself has caused so much and so much pain, so much confusion, because it's an industry that's literally based off selling a lie.

And we see it now today with the the sex trafficking. It's I mean, they most of the porn that is being consumed is people that are being trafficked. It's something that's not talked about. And I think even like in church, it's not talked about because it's people are have so much guilt and shame over if they've watched it or they know someone, it's just not knowing enough to talk about it. It's kind of like an uncomfortable thing.

But we're here to shed light on it and make you feel not alone. And if you're struggling or you've experienced this growing up like it's not, you don't have to feel bad about it. Like it's I used to to I had so much guilt. I was like, I'm an awful person because I have watched this and I would get so what's the word I just get? I would feel so shameful about it. And shame accelerates the pain cycle. So like, whenever we experience shame after doing something, it almost like accelerates our pain attached to that, even more so and so.

That's why it's so hard that pornography and why it's so detrimental that pornography is a subject that we don't talk about enough. And yet 70 percent of people watch pornography on a regular basis here in America. Wow. And so, like so when people are watching it, we're not talking about it. So there's a whole guilt and shame, like when something's in the darkness, it's covered in shame. And so no wonder some people are struggling with it and not able to talk about it, like the US representatives last year called it, the silent pandemic, like the silent does, the thing that is killing people, not physically, but like spiritually.

Yeah, it's. Yeah, that's so true. OK, so Riley, when was the first time you experienced or you learned about sex?

Great question. So I was twelve and my mom took me away on this weekend. She kept calling it the weekend and I'm like, what is this? And the singer, I'm going to meet him. No. So she took me away to this like Airbnb and the mountains. And we just had, like, mom daughter weekend. I was so excited. But little did I know that the weekend was to talk about S e at the birds and the bees.

And so my mom sat me down one night and we had just like that adventuring and like hiking all day. And she sits me down. All of a sudden it's like, honey, there's some things I want to teach you. And I'm like, OK. And she tells me about puberty and how my body will change and masturbation and sex and. When I heard about sex and she told me exactly what it was, she was like, the penis goes inside the vagina.

And I was like, OK, I have no idea. Like, I was completely ignorant, like I did. I went to this really Christian school. And so there was no talk about it. So I was like, whoa. So my response to that was, this is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard of. And to this day, I stand by that. I think sex is one of the most beautiful things that God ever created and offered to us.

I really agree with that, honestly. Yeah. I mean, one would say why? Yeah.

And because it's so beautiful and it's so holy. And like, I have friends who are like my sex with my husband is like worship and I'm like God. And I think because it's so holy, the enemy is going to be so determined to twist and change it. And that's what I saw. You posted something on your guy's Instagram account about how our world is so overly sexualized, like even did you see that thing on Netflix they released like this movie?

I think it's getting taken down called Cutie's. And it's basically showing these girls are like 11 years old and these like short skirts, twerking. And it's all it's like sexualizing these young girls. And it just makes me it breaks my heart because it it's our younger generation is already exposed to so much. And this is like encouraging that. And if something is highly accessible and highly available, it's therefore not seen as valuable. And so like sex for us is something that so many people could if I wanted to walk out to the street or swipe right on Tinder and have sex tonight.

And that's the thing is it's a hundred years ago, it wasn't like that. We live in a sex obsessed world where sex is like under the undercurrent of so many things, music videos, like everything I think about it, it's just it's crazy. It's everywhere. It's one click away. It's on billboards. And and so that's why holy sex in marriage, it's just it's just not as common these days because people can get sex elsewhere. And right now.

Right tonight. And people don't, which I didn't realize this until like a year like two years ago, that sex you form a social time with that person. It's not just a physical act. It is a like a spiritual. Your soul is connecting with that person. Well, it releases something called I'm not sure I may screw the word up, but oxytocin. Yeah, that's right. And it's the it's the same chemical that a mother and a baby has that bonding chemical when like a baby is like nursing from its mother, like that's the same sort of like deep intimate chemical that is being released during sex.

And like, no wonder we are bonded when we have sex, like I always say to people, always slide into my arms and tell me I wrote a journal about pornography. And so then all of a sudden all my audience started blowing up girls and guys who are saying they were struggling with it. And one thing I would always tell people is like the reason behind you wanting to watch pornography is a really beautiful reason. Like it's you wanting to be satisfied and sexually satisfied, which is something God put in you.

It's something God gave you, and that's a gift. And the enemy is taking it and twist it.

Yeah, like I always talk about how pornography, prostitutes, real love because it takes something and then it twists it so then becomes inauthentic like you like me said, like when you're watching pornography, a lot of it has human trafficking. We don't know what's going on behind the scenes. And it's like taking something and twisting it and making it less authentic, less so far from what the from what real love is. And I remember this pope once said that the problem with pornography is it's not that it shows too much because that shows too little.

Yeah. And I love that idea about something. Like someone told me once that porn is like the new version of love, like it's easier, it's right there. And I was like, it's convenient. Yeah. To get that quick one, but it's not. Yeah. And you get your happy shot. Some people call it like your new orgasm. Well we all desire to be intimate, like that's the hard core, like we want to be intimate with in our relationships.

And so there's reasons why we go to certain things to fill that desire, because God put it there and it's hard and more expensive to get the real love, because like, let's say a great example is I feel like pornography is like fast food. It has little nutrition. It's easy to access. You just drive in and get it. But then for us, our bodies and our souls and our mind, what, like the steak and the four course meal.

But that takes time and it takes a price. It requires sacrifice and patience. Yeah, I love that about fast food. And then after you eat the fast food, you feel like you're like, oh, I wish I. It doesn't help your soul and doesn't help anything and your organs like please stop it. Which also is like I remember one time when I watched pornography and I and I finish and I was like, I, I finished it.

I felt so guilty. And I thought to myself, you know what? I've never once, like, done this and thought, oh, my goodness, I feel amazing about myself. But should it be pursued by pursuing a life in which we do feel amazing about ourselves? I love that you bring that up because I personally same experience where I would be done watching this is years ago. Like, I don't struggle with watching porn anymore, but when I would watch it, I immediately would feel like I would feel like I needed to go pray and go like I felt like hand.

Yeah.

Like I literally need to repent and and I probably did. Or maybe I just didn't. And I just felt really bad. But I still felt awful like he never made me feel good. It only felt good in the moment. And then after like oh like I just didn't, I felt so gross. I was like, no, no.

It has a bitter aftertaste. Yeah. And I think that if you're listening to this right now and you're struggling with pornography, one, no, you're not alone, like Meredith said. And to also know that the first step to healing is a confession, like if you tell someone you've just bought into the light and the enemy wants to keep in the darkness for as long as you can, if not forever. Yeah. And that's how most people suffer silently because, no, they don't want to talk about it.

So, like for you, it's a very personal question. What got you to the point where you're like, I no longer need this and I no longer want this in my life, to be honest?

OK, so I, I remember the switch. I just remember not what I remember is not desiring to watch it anymore because there used to be this. I remember when I would watch it, it was like I was using it as a way to cope with something that I didn't want to address, probably emotionally like I did when I was first. I was probably doing it because I wanted intimacy and I think I was like using it as a way to, like, feel intimate, like I don't know if that makes sense, but that's just like I guess that's where that came from.

I really well, let me say this slowly backtrack. I because I had never had sex and I was if all my friends were having sex and I really just wanted to it's like I wanted to have sex, like I really just did. I'm like, I feel weird. Like I'm still a virgin. And I didn't understand my my body. I didn't understand that I my body is so sacred and it's God's temple. So I just didn't understand that concept at all in the first place.

But I really desire to be intimate. And so I think I went to porn as a way to like fill that.

And then when I did start having sex, which it was not very often that desire went away to watch porn because I was then getting it from actual people. Yeah, I had formed this emotional connection to people that didn't reciprocate the same feelings I had to them, and it was just not good. So I was like, OK, I'm not going to have sex. Like I realized that I'm like, this is hurting me. It's not helping me.

So I'm going to stop. And then it was at that point where I just didn't desire to even watch porn. Like I it must have just been because I was starting to kind of wake up to that. My desire was ultimately God. And I went to God for that connection instead of watching porn. And honestly, even the thought of, like searching for porn makes me sick.

Like, I can't like I literally could not. That's incredible. Wow. You returned it because pornography for so many people is not only an addiction, but it's also a habit. And habits in general are hard to hard to hard to break. Yeah, but like one of my mentors says, like, tell me your habits. I'll tell you your future, because your habits predict and control the life in which you are living, the life that you will live.

And I just think pornography, it is such a trap and it takes your it's kind of like a black hole, like it takes your time and it almost takes your integrity. Like you just don't finish it. Like I said earlier and feel amazing about yourself. There's so much more you could be doing with that. Yeah. Yeah. But I think it's also about not just removing it from your life and having nothing in its place, but realizing why you go to it in the first place and putting something in its place.

Yeah. Like putting a different kind of intimacy that is actually more so satisfying than pornography ever has been. And for me, like I had to slow myself down. And for addictions in general, the one cause of breaking addiction is self awareness. And so, like you said, you were like aware of like I'm doing this as a numbing technique or I'm doing it to distract myself or because I'm emotionally struggling with something and I want to ignore and deny it.

So I'm going to get this happy shot over here. And so and noticing those things before and after, like I always say, slow yourself down. What we what happened beforehand? What were you thinking? How are you feeling? And then what happened afterwards? Did you feel satisfied? Did you feel happy about yourself? Do you feel better about yourself? Those sort of questions can help you step towards the path of healing and yes. Of home.

Yes. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Like asking yourself, what was I feeling before this? Is I angry? Was I frustrated? Was I not feeling loved? Was I? Yeah, those are really good questions. And I remember when I was like, OK, girl, like for me, my my journey was incarcerated for a few years and I always felt guilty afterwards. Oh yeah. Wait, now I have to talk about what we're doing here is a good time to go see.

But the reason people watch porn is to masturbate. Yeah. Like why didn't I say that anyway. Yeah. That's what people do and that's what I did. Yeah. I mean I don't know what else you could call like Friday. A nice a guy. Let's watch some pornography like the candles lit there. Oh the. So for me like I remember it was just like this cycle of like on and off, on and off. Like I'm going to start I call it like wash, rinse, recycle, because I feel like, no, I'm going to start.

And then I did it again. And for me, my healing came when I actually told God I got my journal out and I wrote it in my journal and I was like, dear God, I just masturbated. And I was so terrified to write those words in my journal to just like FESTAC to him. Yeah. To bring it to God. But there's something about our brains that when we write something and when we journal something like over and over again, journaling has been a number one, like a healer for people who dealt with trauma, just journaling in general.

So so yeah. And so for me to write that down and all of a sudden I just didn't feel that pull anymore to like watch pornography or to masturbate. And I just remember another thing I would do is I'd be like, I'm not going to be in my bed unless I'm actually sleeping. I know this sounds so easy and so practical, but that way you can be like, no. All right, I'm going to go to the kitchen or like I charge my phone in the kitchen.

Then I swapped it for an alarm clock. Those little things can help you safeguard so that you can step towards the person and the habits that you want in your life. OK, this is a demigod yesterday on Instagram, she said don't know if you will have time to see this, but I have really been struggling with sex before marriage issue. I lost mine this year and I'm having a hard time moving on from it. It's like even if I don't want it or want to think about it, it's really all that I want.

I was wondering how you got over these thoughts and urges. I'm trying to become new, but I keep falling to old habits and I experienced that. I literally experience that same thing where it's like all you could think about. Once I had sex, it was all my mind was thinking about and it was all consuming and just like emotionally just I was all over the place. So how did you shift your mindset? Well, so it took years to really figure out what was happening.

I call my spiritual awakening. This is back in like twenty, sixteen, twenty, seventeen. And I just I don't know what clicked. It was probably God. God was like, yo, Meredith, you got to stop doing this. It's not good for you. It's not good for you. But I was like, OK, I need to I need to not do this because it's damaging. It is damaging me from who God wants me to be, what my purpose, the purpose of my life is.

And it is just hindering like everything in my life. At one point I was so depressed because the guy that I had been with didn't like like me back. Like I was just depressed. I couldn't even like I couldn't function like I couldn't move on with my life because I had this person that I was connected to and bonded to. And I think eventually I will. I mean, the main thing I did was just stopped a stop talking to them.

I just so socially distanced himself from them. And I think I probably prayed about it. I mean, at that time, I wasn't really walking with the Lord. I was a Christian, but I wasn't like born again. Like I wasn't really intimate, didn't have a relationship with the Lord at that point. But I just knew that it was bad for me. So I did everything to kind of distance myself. And you know what's so interesting, even two years after I got over that person, because girls is going to take sometimes it takes a while, but you can just pray and ask God to say, Lord, please just break any ties that I have with this person so that I can fully heal and move on.

And please forgive me. And this person, you can make it personal, but that's kind of what I recommend doing. But even years after I got over this person, they kept popping back into my life. I would see them at events. I would get random calls and texts from them. And I was completely moved on like, please just leave me alone. Like, they made it so much harder to move on. Like, now you want me when I did well.

And do you now you have tables flip. Oh, no, you did once I got better. They're like, oh, now she's thriving. I'm going to go. Yes. No, no, no, no, honey, the enemy, no, he knows when to send that cute guy. The enemy will send counterfeits. I feel like he sends people to distract you from where you're going, like God, God knows everything. He knows your future.

And the enemy is going to try to distract you with people. He does it all the time. So we just got to be on our toes. I remember one time I was on the couch with this really, really attractive guy and he was so cute. And my body was like, Oh, I know what it's like. I couldn't have sex. Now I'm like, no, you don't. And I was like, oh, this is going to be hard.

And he was like wanting to kiss me. I knew in his eyes it wasn't just I want to kiss you. It's like I want to have sex. Oh, I know. And I call I call out to God in my head and I'm like God in my own human flesh. I'm going to have sex with him. I need you so bad right now. And it's as simple as that. Like if you're in a moment and you're like, I am about to do something that I know I could regret to call out to God, because this is the crazy thing.

So we're sitting there on the couch like lying on the couch and he all of a sudden jumps up, grabs his stuff. And it's like, I need to go. I need to go right now and literally runs out of the house.

Oh, my God. And this is the third time this happened in my life where I've been in a situation and things heated and it could eventually lead to sex. And God, it's been like, all right, Bob, I back it up. Why go? So that reminds me of that verse about the flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing. I think that's how nose it's like our flesh is so weak, like we'll just go do anything because we're our flesh wants you like that's just what the flesh wants to do.

Why is it that now you and I. Well, you've always been doing this, but now me, because I, I'm, I've had sex but I'm now waiting till I'm in marriage sex because I believe marriage is a covenant and God wants us to have sex in marriage and not outside of it. God always has a reason. It's to help us and protect us. So what are some of the reasons why you are waiting till marriage for sex?

That's such a great question. So there are many and I think that that's really important. The first thing to understand is that if you just have a role in your life, then you don't know the reasons why you're going to break that role. And so it's really important that if you're like us and you're like, you know, even if you've had sex or not, but you decide, OK, I'm going to wait till I'm married, figure out what your reasons are.

And these are mine. First of all, I come from a family of sex addicts. And so like the child of an alcoholic who swears off a drop of alcohol, I'm like, I'm going to swear off sex because I know that fire is great within me. And like you said, there's nothing holier and safer than a covenant. And so for me to wait until I'm married, while that requires sacrifice, I know it's safer. And even if they did the study in twenty eighteen and they found out that people who waited to have sex until they were married, their divorce rate is three percent.

Compare that to the world where the rest of the world works like 50 percent. So my like I'm risking my heart and heartbreak and I would rather go for the option in which my heart has a higher chance of staying intact. And whereas marriage is thriving like I see my parents and their twenty five years, they wait till they were married, the twenty five years married, thriving, hopelessly in love with each other, dancing in the kitchen and sharing like love each other with like and I, I want that.

But I know that it's going to require some sacrifices. Other reasons for me is that I think I'm building the muscle of self-control and self-control is honestly something we need in all areas possible with everything. Yeah. And I would also say that for me, one thing that's been really helpful is like I'm learning how to say, you know, and like CEOs, this is a side note. But CEOs or they did this study and CEOs credit their ability to say no as the reason why they're successful, because it wasn't about it was about their one.

Yes. But it was more so about the thousands of no's discipline. Yeah. And so for me, when I'm choosing to say known over and over again to some great men and to something that my body really wants to do, I'm affirming to myself that I'm the only one that manages my sexuality like I see in my parents marriage. And they have a thriving marriage. And my mom says it's about every day waking up and before her feet touch the ground deciding I'm married and I am loving this man.

And so it's a choice that goes over and over again. And when, like you see in life, when you choose something over and over again, just like we said earlier, if you choose to watch pornography over and over again, it becomes a habit. So I feel like love can be a choice that turns into a habit.

Yeah, yeah. And those feelings that we get when we first start dating someone are typically lost. Yeah. Because I don't want to repeat. Oh yeah. That's why I'm like no. Not really writing off anyone that I'm not super like, oh, like butterflies about, because usually when that happens to me, it's I'm more attracted to them physically and not like like me. Is this person a good match for me? Am I going to get along?

But like, can we build a future together. It's like my spirit or my story. My flesh is like, oh, I just like I'm really attracted to them. Like this is this is good. But it's lust it's true. I've experienced a lot of us too much, but I still think that God did design chemistry like that. I walk into a coffee shop and I see this guy. We lock our eyes and I'm like, oh, no, we definitely we we need there has to be some chemistry.

There's got to be character overcount. Yeah. Oh, chemistry can be No. One leader. No character does. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we should form love inside out. Let's fall in love with his character and his heart and his goodness and kindness. And then the outside part you're going to be like package like that's what it is. Yeah. They're so good inside out ways. Well, thank you so much, Riley, for coming on.

Guys, check Riley out on her Instagram. It'll be linked down below. And stay tuned for her book that she is writing. We're very excited about that. Just know you're not alone in this and the Lord is with you and he is fighting the battle. That battle is already won. We love you guys. And and there's there's there's nothing you can do that's going to compromise your beloved. It's like God loves you no matter what. And so if you're sitting here listening and you're like, you know what my sexual sin seems?

So there's so many of them. How could a God love me? You know, his the price that he paid for your life and have the love that he has for you will always exceed your sin. But it's about running back to him and not to the world and know he loves you so, so much. But yes, I would love to. That's so good God. I just thank you for every person that watches this right now. Lord Jesus, I pray that you would meet them in this moment.

And Lord, I pray for freedom. I know God, sometimes you're in the process, but I pray instant freedom over so many people that watch this right now. God, your presence may be thick and heavy and tangible on them. God and Jesus. You created sexuality. You created sex. And you say it is a very good thing that our sexuality is a good thing. It's a sacred, beautiful part of who we are. And so, God, I'm sorry for the times that I and we have drifted away from your definition and your goal of what healthy and a whole and wholly sexuality looks like God.

But what I pray you would redefine it for us, help us break habits we don't want. God, I pray for the person that watches pornography every single night. Lord, help them have the courage to confess, knowing that that is stepping them towards healing Jesus and God. I pray you would meet us. It's all about loving you, God. At the end of the day, it's about loving you and God. We welcome you into every part of who we are, including our sexuality, God.

And we thank you for your forgiveness and healing and freedom. God, a man. A man.