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Hey, Metallica fans, listen up, Metallica and San Francisco Symphony's 2019. S and M two reunited the band and symphony for the first time since the 1999 performances featured on the Grammy winning S.A.M. album. The reunion features the first ever symphonic renditions of songs written and released since those original S.A.M. shows happened. You get it. And now you can get Metallica and San Francisco Symphony S.A.M. two on vinyl, Blu ray CD, DVD as a digital download and as a limited edition box set, which is really sweet because I got one.


Metallica and San Francisco Symphony s and M two is available now. Visit Metallica Dotcom for more info. Hey you. Are you one of those people who thinks it's OK to drive stoned? Are you? I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Right. You end up driving below the speed limit. It's no big deal. Right? Wrong. The truth is your reaction times slow way down when you're high.


You're not only put yourself in danger, but everyone around you talk about buzz, kill. Stop kidding yourself. It's not OK to drive high. And if you've been using marijuana in any form, do not get behind the wheel. If you feel different, you drive different drive. I get a DUI, lock the gate.


All right, let's do this, how are you? What the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuck? STRs, what's happening? I'm Marc Maron. This is my podcast, WTF. Welcome to it. How are you doing? How you feeling? Everything all right? What are you cooking? What do you cut and what do you chop and what's happening? What are you cleaning? Where are you running to? What do you are you where are you running?


You can't run away. You can't run away. I see. I know that I'm helping you get through this, but eventually I hate to break it to you. You're going to have to turn around and go home. You're gonna have to loop around and go home. I know.


I know, man. I know it's the same shit every day. I know. And it's tempting to keep running, to keep driving, to keep flying. If you're doing that, whatever you're doing, just as long as it's in movement and not you're dangling from the end of a rope unless you're doing the rock climbing thing. But, you know, I'm saying I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go home. You're just going to have to speak of that.


I just did.


Oh, I just shit my pants just cofco up. Get the WTF blend. I get it on the back end. That's an old timey plug. That's just from the old days from like back when Chelsea Peretti was first on this show.


We rarely do repeat guest, but Chelsea Peretti is here. She's on the show today. The first time she was on was Episode 39. That's more than ten years ago. That's when I had to do those just coffee ads just to get by, just to make a few shekels, just to make 400 dollars a month, a month on ad sales, man.


I mean, we had her back because I love Chelsea and she's very smart and very funny. And I just I like talking to her, but she's also got. Since then. Since then, it's crazy gorgeous into that first one. And and just the arc of it. I mean, she's she's been a writer on Parks and Rec. She played Gina on Brooklyn nine nine. She got married to Jordan Peele. They had a kid. I mean, fuck, man, what has changed?


I guess that's what happens in ten years if you if things happen in your life. I what happened in my life.


But I'm I'm here alone, childless. But it was great to talk to Chelsea.


It really was. And you can hear that shortly. I I am back from New Mexico. I think the last show I did was from New Mexico.


And it was great.


It was really worth the trip. I'd kind of like to still be there. I didn't have to come back, but I came back because I live here and I wanted to see my cat.


I wanted to talk to you.


I wanted to to try to get back to whatever semblance of a life I have here in California.


But since I've talked to you, well, let's start with this.


When I drove to New Mexico, I stopped and met my friend David Durans Pharmacy for some huevos rancheros with green chili and red chili on the side. And on my way out of New Mexico, I stopped and had that exact same thing again before I left only alone. And I was reflecting and was sitting outside eating the green chili, having the tortilla with the butter on it, and just sort of like enjoying the the way you can enjoy in the age of plague outdoors mask down because I'm putting shit my mouth.


I'm just sitting there. Yeah. Maybe Instagram a photo of my food and I hear someone, you know, kind of coughing a little bit behind me. And I turn around and there's a woman vomiting into a planter. And that was my acute exit. Woman vomiting into planter time to hit the road. New Mexico, adios. Adios. Moshe's Garcia's got to go batho in the planter.


Yeah, that was an interesting way. An interesting beat to leave on. But but it was a good trip. What I didn't tell you that was I found to be. Uplifting, in a strange way, was I visited the grave of Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper is buried in Ranchos DataSource in the hay souce Mazzarino Cemetery, which is off the beat of Ranchos Statehouses off the beaten path.


But this was this cemetery is not even in the back of a church or near a church. It's just sort of off on this dirt road. It looks like a dirt parking lot. There's a large swath of dirt road through the middle of it on either side. There are graves.


And this is a I don't know if it's the Pueblo Indians or the indigenous people or I don't know if they're it's it's definitely a Mexican cemetery ish. I'm not sure what the history of the cemetery is, but it's one of those cemeteries where every grave looks handcrafted. The the crosses the there's no there's not many stones or wooden crosses usually that look handmade. There are pictures and artifacts left on the graves. There are stones and mounds and and things that people bring to it.


Each one looks like some sort of almost like a collage of sorts.


It's a very earthy, intimate uniqueness to each grave, a very deep human touch. It's almost as if you walk past these graves and you can you can almost feel the bones.


And I think that's sort of a Mexican thing, really, like the day of the dead trip, the sort of respect for the dead and the celebration of the dead. There's definitely that vibe there. And you go and you kind of find you can look around, you can. I found it online how to find it. But, you know, Hopper was a is an important person to me.


I was always deeply obsessed and enamored and impressed with Dennis Hopper's work and with him as a person I found in via a sort of fascinating, you know, decent hearted, wild man, one of the great drug warriors, one of the great crazy dudes, one of the originals.


But but he had an interesting life and he loved touse.


My buddy Steve is married to his daughter, so I double checked with him to make sure it was the great. But I went there, I talked to Dennis and there was something about it just picturing him in the ground there. And this beautiful site is lava rocks in a circle around where the body would lay, I believe.


And there's all kinds of offerings that people have left there. And I just I knew he was in there. There's no distraction, no stone, no real kind of maudlin kind of way to it. It was almost a it's a little mound of celebration to the body decomposing beneath it. And I pictured it and I felt it. I felt the spirit of Hopper and it was uplifting to me, so uplifting.


I went twice and went the next day. My buddy Devin, he had come up to Taos from Santa Fe to hike with me. I hiked all three days up into the beautiful Taos wilderness. I was afraid at first, but then I just thought about land. I thought about what am I afraid of being eaten by an animal falling into a crevice and having to, you know, cut my arm off with my hat.


You know, I just. I was nervous, but I did it all. I went back to the grave and on my last hike I found some river rocks so I could put them.


I felt bad that didn't have anything and have anything with me and everything cool and have a guitar pick with me. I could leave for Dennis man and have no cigarettes, actually, for Dennis, man, I have no bandana. I could leave for Dennis man. I have no like, you know, Harley Davidson paraphernalia. I could leave on Dennis's grave man.


I didn't have an eight ball or a half gram or a small vial of blow or crank or anything I believe, on Dennis's grave man. So I went and got some rocks.


I left him there. I talked to him again. I was happy to see him twice. It's just it was great. I was so happy.


I was and I love the sort of kind of a weird little cool celebratory cemetery, a lot of fucking heartfelt, handcrafted respect on those mounds.


Makes it real human, CLO's could feel the bones, man, a dugit. Some weird dreams are happening, I guess I could tell you about them. I had a drinking dream, which means I better start going to zoom meetings. I don't think there's the threat of me drinking, but I don't know what my brain is doing.


There must be some discomfort because somebody poured me a very large scotch on the rocks and I wasn't a Scotch guy. I think I was just starting to get into Scotch when I quit. I mean, I get it. I like scotch, but that wasn't my thing.


But in the dream, may I have my my both hands wrapped around a big glass of scotch on the rocks? Then there was another dream where I was on some sort of large, high, rickety old diving platform, single structure, just shooting straight up. And I, I just seem to people I know die, you know, fall off it and die.


They disappeared into the water and I don't even know how I got up on top of it. But it was all rickety. And I you know, I knew that they had fallen and died. And I was like, how do I get down? And I remember in the dream thinking, like, can someone just come get me? Can somebody help me? Can somebody help me? And I was starting to panic because it was kind of wobbly. And I'm like, I'm going to fall and I'm going to die.


And I look on the left side of the platform, there's like this red ladder, but it doesn't look like it goes all the way down or up and there's some force or person or something behind me that's just sort of like you just got to do it.


You just got to fucking do it. You've got to stop freaking out and you've got to just go, you know, step at a time and get down. And then I realized, that's right. No one's going to come help me. No one's going to come get me. I'm not going to be airlifted off and I'm going to fall if I keep freaking out or I'm going to fall on purpose if I keep freaking out. So I just turned all that shit off and made my way down the ladder.


I don't know what that was about, how will fascism affect you guys? Are you putting any thought into that, like, you know? If Trump wins, are you guys the do you ever think about like, well, you know, I don't know how much authoritarianism will affect my immediate life.


Most we're finding most people are selfish, aren't we? Hey, man, if it doesn't fuck with me, I'm good. It's like the mask thing, I went on a hike yesterday and it was crazy, 80 percent of the people fucking no mask and you know, the chances of getting it outside are slim. But, you know, you have one.


And then when you walk by people, you put it on. It was great being in New Mexico. It's fucking mandated there. Everybody, you don't have to fucking go through that thought process.


If you see somebody without one, they're real fucking jerk because they're breaking the law and they don't give a fuck here.


I literally think people are like, oh, we don't have to. I mean, you know, I don't want to. I think it's OK. But what what a nice thing to be in a fucking state that mandates the fucking masks because people are too fucking stupid to give a shit about other people or take care of themselves to get through this thing.


All right. Let's end with a nice story. A few weeks ago, I told you when I was hiking with Al Madrigal, there was a guy walking down.


He had a bunny in his hands, this little sad, sick, wet bunny. And he was concerned about what he was going to take it home and nurse it back to health. We saw that guy again and asked him about the bunny. He said it got better and he brought it back up. How often does that end?


Well, the injured animal you bring home, the bird with the broken wing, the bunny with the fever. But he nursed it, brought it back and hopped away.


Does a happy story, huh?


All right, look, Chelsea Peretti is in a new movie, it's called Spinster.


It's her first lead role in a film.


You can watch it on most VOD and digital platforms. I love talking to Chelsea Peretti. And you can hear me do that coming up at.


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So what are you going to do? Are you going to just hold the phone? Listen, I've done it before. I'm not too proud. You don't have a thing you can set it on.


I'm going to start to worry about, you know, what I mean is like a Velcro thing on the wall, and then it just the one on the back of my phone. And I can stick it to any wall, any wall in any room.


Yes, I have a I have a tripod that I stick it on. That sounds archaic. This is Velcro. Do you have Velcro? Are you getting you know. Oh, no. But I do think that actually would be cool. Every room you put a swatch of Velcro on the wall and you have the receptor piece on your phone. You walk into a room, boom, your phone's on the wall. This time people cook.


Right? I think it's a good idea. Lo fi. Yeah. So what what how many coffees have you had?


I'm on number two, but this is a black mug of coffee.


Yeah, well, as opposed to what? Creamy. Sometimes I'll have like an old latte. No regular milk though, right?


No, I don't do regular milk that much anymore. Only if I have it for another reason. So you were concerned that I was not drinking coffee.


I had a moment of panic that I'm going to call and want to talk to you about coffee. And you're like, I'm off coffee.


I was I was drinking tea for like over a year. And then I started to swip coffee and in the afternoons and now I'm back in.


But I don't know if it has the same effect as it once did when I was younger. Something like I, I get like I'll drink a cup of coffee. I feel pretty good, I'll drink another cup, I feel all right.


But then then I'm just kind of queasy. Yeah.


And and kind of sweaty. I don't know, I don't get the fucking high I used to man.


I really hate when people who once loved coffee turn their back on it in this way. Like I had this weird I think it's like I'm slightly clairvoyant when it comes to coffee and I just had this feeling you were going to have a different altered attitude about it.


I love it. I like anything that makes me feel good. I just I like I pulled my fucking espresso machine out.


I even if you do say espresso.


I know. I know. I think that's the real headline I've had.


I've had an issue with that my whole life. My espresso machine. Do you make do you make do you make espresso at home?


Well, you know, my husband was once a barista apparently, and we got this whole big espresso machine.


Oh, my God. I said, do you know what? This is going to be one of those things where, like, you know, how grammar evolves and then they update it to make it official grammar or official like you're going to have to just say it's expressive and we're going to and they're going to cite the shift in on this conversation.


So whatever. He never uses it. What a good one. Like what kind?


Like a really I like this really fancy one is the kind that looks like does it have a big kind of pressing that looks well. Oh, but is it like it does it like kind of looks on the counter.


That kind of. Yeah.


And it was like this big eagle on top of it. Right. Right. Those are fancy. Yeah. It's kind of intimidating but you don't use it so. Yeah. I mean I don't know, he hasn't really been making it.


I don't know how to use them but I guess I should learn, maybe you should pressure him.


I mean you have the time now. I mean what's he like. Yeah. What, what do you guys. How old is that kid. That's the thing.


He's three. Oh. And it's it's just really a particular nightmare to have a toddler when you're sheltering in place because he's a dismantlers like this. I was looking for my headphones to do this. I'm like, OK, I found the headphones after a long hunt. Yeah. He was probably like pretending they were a jelly fish or something. And then I'm like, oh, the court is gone.


And that could just be anywhere, anywhere.


And so, you know, when you're trying to keep your house clean and this is just like someone just like lighting fires everywhere and you're just following up to them panicking.


And it's a boy. Yeah, it is. Does he talk? Very much so.


He's extremely verbal not to toot my own horn, but he's the child of two extremely autistic people.


And I know honestly, I think he would be a great child actor, but I would never let him do it.


Well, has he expressed interest in anything other than destroying things?


No, he hasn't expressed interest in acting, but he just memorizes everything. Like where I'm like, oh, with your brain, you can conquer Hollywood.


You've got you've got a genius until they're like five and then they level off.


And yes, listen, we'll see what we should do. An interview again when he's five.


We did an interview in 2010. I know. I really felt like I wasn't ready for prime time at that. You know, like that interview was kind of before. I feel like I had anything going on.


Are you kidding? We did our big pilot. Oh, yes, that's right, it was I was I had just ascended, we had we done our ill-Defined show that we were.


Oh my gosh, I completely, fully fucking forgot about that. And dumpster diving was a segment on it.


That's right. With the friggin the free. And then we brought in PIC's paintings. You brought in a painting that Leo allocative. You know, he felt bad about it.


Oh, I don't know where that thing is. It probably got left at the fucking studio. They gave us like twelve dollars to do this, this pilot. And we didn't even really have a concept for the show. It was just called WTF. And we had like two segments. You and I did some cohosts thing and then we had a had to be like, you know, doing those jazy like hosting monologues.


Yeah. So that's in hindsight, we had no business doing that. We could have been much more like sitting in a court or a chair, overstuffed chair, you know.


And then we had a panel though. I remember there was a panel and I think like Kyle Kinnane was there and I don't remember who else, but I guess.


And now do you remember what the topics were?


It was just like this show or I don't fucking know.


I feel like, though I actually feel like that shoot went well. I don't have, like, a sweaty feeling when I think about it.


No, I think the shoot went well. It was over at that Comedy Central theater space. It was a good set. We had good people working on it.


It's just so crazy. Like the older you get, how many little compartments of history you completely forget. And then you're like, oh, yeah, it's crazy. Crazy.


I mean, I can't like there's there's whole chunks of my life where I'm like, well, I'll tell you what I do.


Remember you said, do you want to play my wife on my TV show?


And I go, Sure, then I never heard from you again.


Do you remember that Meryn that compartments?


Did I really were you willing to do that?


Maybe I felt like you were already on your way or whatever on my way out of your show.


Well, you seem to have found your way into a legitimate show business. I was still fucking around on Comedy Central Pilots in IFC.


Whatever. Don't compliment my rejection.


I don't remember what happened with that. I don't remember you.


Like you see, this rejection was actually a major compliment. It was. Yeah, because I think you I assume that you had bigger things.


I don't remember, man. I don't remember what happened. You know, one time Bobby Tinsdale gave me his old phone for some reason. Yeah. And like in it there was like text between him and Eugene Mirman because they used to run this show called Invite Them Up, and they were debating if they should have me on a show or not. And like Eugene was like she's kind of harsh. And then they, like, didn't put me on this show.


And it's like, oh, my gosh, I don't know why that just came to mind. I don't even know if that related to anything.


But you're kind of harsh. That's what a mess. Yeah.


What happened to Bobby Teesdale? You know, he has a talk show on Instagram called The Wards of Mirken, I believe.


So pretty much what you would think happens. Yeah. Yeah. I was like eighty kids, all daughters.


I don't know how we're dealing now.


You're here, right? You guys, you're in L.A.. I'm here barely. Every day I wake up and I'm like, oh, fuck, here we go again.


It really it's like Groundhog Day.


It's like there's no way out. It's crazy, you know, and in sight. It's crazy.


How crazy. How are you guys dealing with the house? Jordan dealing with it.


I mean, is he in the house? Yes, he is. Yeah.


I mean, I don't know how anyone is dealing with it. The main challenge I think for us is like I mean, I have major envy of people who are unattached and no child because they're just like I watched some Criterion Collection films today.


I did, too. Yoga classes. I'm like, fucking eat shit and die. My son's attention span is literally six minutes, so you have to break every single endless fucking day into six minute increments. How can I entertain someone with the attention span of a goldfish you like you bring out all these paints and stuff. He does one brush stroke and it's over, you know, and then you're like, OK, only eat more hours till bedtime.


It's a fucking nightmare.


Yeah. That makes you happy.


You don't have a child. Well, I told the I was telling Brendon that like like lately when I've gotten a little bit grim or depressed or hopeless, I just think of you people and I'm like, you fuck.


And then I sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee alone and maybe.


A little cup of peaceful cup, I mean, I can't even I'm like begging my son to have a cup of coffee. Can Mommy have coffee before I read you 20 books? Can Mommy have coffee?


It's like I can't do voice acting without my coffee.


Yeah, it's looking. It is hard. And that's the thing that's even more fucked up is I have no right to complain because I know that I'm one of the luckiest people in this fucking country like. Right. So you don't even feel you get to have ownership over your angst and your grief. And yeah, it's just a horrible time. And there seems to be so many suicides right now.


Like, are there it's just I was wondering about that.


Do you know people feel I feel like it. I keep feeling like you just keep seeing it. I don't know if there's a statistical increase, but it seems like there is there has been. It would make sense.


Sure, because, yeah. You feel alone and then it's like in this time you really are alone. Yeah.


No, I, you know, it's part of my morning ritual thinking about it.


Oh no, no, wait. I'm glad we brought it up then. Don't do it. I don't do it.


I don't think about it seriously.


But there is a moment with hopelessness and I've done bits about it where you just sort of like as long as you've done.


I have done. That's about it. But but there's a moment where you like how does this end?


And I'm getting older and there's like, is this really the way we're going to live for the rest of time? I can't even leave the country because we're big people and no one's going to let us in.


Like I mean, the one fantasy I had was I got my passport. Now it's like, who cares? No one.


I know people. There's no escape. It's so crazy. It's so funny that make America great again. Was the whole slogan like and now look at us early.


We're like we could have further of a rock bottom.


Yeah. It's like we're this like giant pariah. The entire rest of the planet is like, they're like what's wrong with you people? What is happening there.


It's kind of refreshing because America has been so egotistical, you know, like it's kind of refreshing, but, oh, this is how it feels when the entire world thinks you're shit on their shoe.


Yeah, but there's so many people in this country that are like, fuck them. This is you know, we are still great in it. Like, I don't even understand what they're doing.


I can't. Yeah. And then, like, do you do you have people that you know that are all of a sudden revealing themselves to be fucking idiots?


I mean, that's everyone.


That's the worst surprise about this all is that I would think if I was asked, how do you think socially things would feel in a pandemic? I would think people come together, right. They support each other. But instead, I'm just scrolling through Instagram like you guys don't have fucking masks on. Everyone's hanging out without Maslon. Fuck you. My kid hasn't seen another kid in four months. And you're at a fucking party like I don't get it, you know, people, you know, right?


Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't I've talked to people and it's just their mindset around it.


You just realize how truly stupid and how little people think, you know.


And but the thing in Hollywood is everyone's got some weird quack doctor advising them. They're like, no, no, I've got a guy. Yeah. He says, I can be Marzook free and it's fine movie raise. And I'm like, OK, but like everyone I know who is like kind of doesn't seem to care when I go, well, why what is your philosophy like? They're always just like I don't want to freak out, you know, I don't want to it's like that's that's your medical.


I don't know. No one has a good answer. Who doesn't wear masks. Were they not wearing masks.


Like I'm like I'll go like I'll sit outside and not wear a mask.


Yeah, sure.


If you're alone or you're saying you'll sit outside with other people, not with other people, with one person six, seven feet away sometimes.


No, I mean the whole thing is supposed to be six feet apart in masks. Yeah. But I think a lot of people I see like sitting outside on street dividers and stuffing the grass and they're sitting four feet apart without masks. Yeah. So I mean, listen, everyone has to deal, like, I'd rather someone does that risk than kills themselves because they feel so alone. We all basically are like taking calculated risks at this point to battle potential depression.


And that's that's a weird phase. We put a weird phase where the psychological effect is starting to be weighted more heavily than just the fear of, you know, contracting private. Right.


There's psychological effect of the impending election or nonelection and just, you know, the diminishing hope and the fact that nobody seems to have a policy in place to stop this fucking thing.


I could argue it's like there's no one source. I mean, everyone's just like I saw this doctor online that said this.


I don't even know what this state rules are at this point or what's close, what's open. I don't fucking know. I got a friend who has a record.


Stories like I can open. I'm like, what?


I mean, yeah, that seems pretty. Non-essential, I don't know, I mean, I think retail outlets are allowed to be open. Yeah, that's weird. And why did it felt like we were doing really good and then, like, OK, let's open all the businesses. Right.


And then there's a million cases. And I guess there's just so much pressure from business owners to be like, open up, we're going to all go broke. But it's like, again, there just needs to be more of a stimulus and like canceling rent all these things, like, I just don't get it. You're just going to evict all these people and, like, make all these businesses closed down. That's the plan.


It's crazy, man. I'm not smart enough.


I'm not smart enough. No, I think your impulses are correct.


But, you know, think you it's not it's not that you're not smart enough. It's just the world is fucking insane.


I like that you assume that you are smart enough and you're like, no, you're smart, you're very smart. I yeah. I've actually taken two. I'll go down to Dodger Stadium and get a covert test every two weeks because it's kind of a fun day out, you know.


Yeah. And so is it the nose one. No, it's the cough into your mouth one. You you go.


Yeah, you just do like coughs like ten times.




And then he swab and then you put your in your car, you're alone, you can play your own music, you know, you can get music to come to this, but it's like it's about we will rock you.


But yeah we will cop you exactly. Know, but you can go do it. I mean, like I don't know why I've gotten into the habit of it, but I've done it two or three times where it's like, why not do it every two weeks? It's not costing me anything. And and there you can sign up on Sunday for Monday and there's plenty of spots and then you get your don't Tuesday.


I've noticed that a lot of people who get a test, they're like, no, no, I tested negative. So then they'll just go, yeah, you're only good for a day. You know, it's like, OK, if you took an HIV test you like, I tested negative so I can fuck anyone raw for the rest of my life. Like, no, dude, it's it doesn't work like that.


Well I think what the benefit of it is. Because, like, I'm pretty fuckin safe, I mean, do you go like when I've got I got hold of one of those and ninety five masks, so if I go anywhere, if I go into a store, I'll wear that mask and in a plastic guard on my face, I'd love to see it.


I put pictures on Instagram.


I'll send you to check it out a while back. But, but that's how I go into the world if I'm going to be around people. But what do you smart.


I mean, I have not entered a business in four months. Really? Yeah. Like, I don't know anyone who's been as strict and like obviously it's a luxury. We we don't we get food delivered. We don't go. He doesn't go either. No, we got it. We haven't been in any businesses. You know, and as information has increased, it seems like it's about the duration of time that you're inside and all this stuff, but I feel like you have seen a number of news stories about people getting in at grocery stores or whatever.


And we've just been super reclusive.


And as like what's that doing for your relationship?


It's awesome. It's it's so romantic.


Know, but I don't know.


I mean, it's it's pretty hard because we're cooking. We're cleaning, we're doing child care. We're trying to do our work stuff as well. Yeah.


This for the show business that's going to happen again, maybe. Right.


Exactly. Like it's hard to know what there is, what goals do even have at this time or work. But but yeah, it's pretty exhausting.


Let's go back to a simpler time because I listen to some of the stuff that we talked about in 10 years ago.


Yeah, what was it?


Well, one of them was you talked about a fear of commitment and that you know how you would that you would max out in relationships after like a year or two like this.


Wow. Yeah.


You were, like, pretty set on that. Yeah. And what changed all that, Chelsea?


Well, I do think a lot about the whole expression. Like you haven't met the one until you've met the one. Yeah, right. But I also think like I what I did through therapy. Sobriety, a variety of things like I think I did work on my shit a lot and so I would be attracted to not saying I wouldn't still be attracted to, like, shitty guys. Right. But it would it would just last less long each time.


Like, the amount of time I'd be willing to give over to someone shitty would be shorter and shorter until I met someone who wasn't shitty. Wow.


OK, so like the habit, the instinctual habit of gravitating towards monsters or shitty pink.


Yes. Yeah. Your dad. Yeah. I like that you started you. Oh so you, you got on to yourself and you couldn't. It's almost like, it's almost like using like you get tired of it, you're like why am I still doing this. Yeah.


I'm like oh here I go with this quote unquote mysterious guy where it's just like a guy who's a fucking mess, you know what I mean.




And and I think it would I used to when I was younger, you're like, OK, I'll date you for a year like anyone you meet.


Pretty much like I got a year to give anyone, anyone, like anyone who likes you, you know, you like me. Yeah. You're like, OK, let's commit for a bit. And then it's like when you get older, it's like a year is a big chunk of your life at that point, like as a ratio or something I could never do this year.


It always lasted longer, man. It takes me it takes a lot of drama. It could take a lot of drama and a three to five years to extricate myself from something I should have stopped in a month.


Yeah, that's I don't have I didn't have that problem. That's good. That's a whole different problem. That's bad.


But and I'm alone in child to see what that problem does. Have that happen.


God, God wanted you to do this. He wanted you in this battle.


Now are you still doing like strict dieting and stuff? I feel like you were always on that kind of anorexic vibe when I'm I'm still a manorexia.


But, like, things have taken a little bit of a turn. I'm OK. But yeah, but like like I was doing really good.


And then, you know, I had tragedy and horror and trying to say thank you.


And then, you know, then I had to put the cat asleep and then like after a certain point, my God.


Yeah, the fuck I know.


After a certain point, I'm like, it doesn't look like I'm going to be on camera for a while. And can I tell you what?


What is it, Mom? I'm such a shitty mom. Like when you said you had to put your cat to sleep, I was like in my head, I'm thinking, I'll get you a cat, I'll get you a cat.


Like, I just want to throw another one. I have another one. OK? Yeah.


OK, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but I'm like, let me fix it. Let me buy you something.


You don't have to buy a cat. They're all over it. You can just pick them up off the street. Yeah. Yeah. And you get one, you get a new one any time.


So but like all I'm saying is that like I've had I got a real and because I've been eating kind of garbage but like what's what's your go to garbage treat.


God damn it, if I could eat ice cream every fucking day, I would. But fortunately, I. What's your flavor, though, Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cup.


It's funny being here like a grown person.


Say that because peanut butter, ice cream with like big pieces of peanut butter cup in it and then with some vanilla.


Yeah I can put the in there, but I've also got like cholesterol issues. It's a really difficult time because you do.


Yeah. It's genetic. How bad. And I'm never, I've never eaten worse. I've never been more massive in my life. I was just telling my mom, I'm like there's really no excuse for an adult to ever eat ice cream except I like being awake.


Yeah, that's the only excuse. But it's it's brutal. I feel like any time it's meal time, it's like a parade is coming through in a small town.


You know, it's like if you're sitting around with nothing going on and then it's like. The food has arrived, where are you getting your food from? I mean, we were cooking every meal for the first two months. We didn't order one thing and it was crazy. We were like really exploring our cooking abilities. Then once we learned, like, surfaces weren't as dangerous, we just started ordering. Once you do that, it's impossible mode so you can order pizza dough and all the fixings for them.


Yeah, and it's so good. The sauce is so good.


I haven't done any delivery, like, you know, after really after Lynn passed away, people were sending me shit. So I knew it was possible. And that went on for like a month or two. I don't do it.


I don't know why I don't do it. Is it one you call one company and they'll deliver anything?


Is that how it works for you?


You sound so out of it. You said you call one company. No, it's all apps. It's like I have like five different food delivery apps, which might be part of my problem.


I sound like an old guy. Like you just do it on the phone. You get it on your own, you call, you call the company and they give you the food.


I'm like, no, not at all. Yeah, yeah.


You got to get all these different apps because different restaurants work with different app. So it's like not one app will get you all the places you need.


Which apps do you have this and you name it. I've got it.


Well, I mean, what do you use when you write it down? Because now I'm starting to question my process.


I'll text you everything. Oh, OK. I don't have to write it down. I got my.


Yeah, that's also that's also an ancient device. A pen. I was ready to write it.


I can't believe you pulled out it.


It's so so yeah.


So back ten years ago you said you thought you were going to be alone forever and now you've corrected all that.


That's crazy now. But you know what's crazy? I my mind has found a way to still maintain that fear where you're like, well, every time like Jordan leaves for like he'll take our child somewhere or something, I'm like, they're going to die in a car crash and I'm going to be alone. You know, it's like I think because I'm a child of divorce, I don't believe that marriage is this shield of invincibility.


You know what I mean? Yeah, right. Of course, it's sort of it's like anything can happen in life, so I don't feel guaranteed to never be alone. And then the other thing is, like, you can feel alone no matter who you're surrounded by. So that's the worst. I think. I think my brand is secure.


Yeah, but but you. But you seem good. I mean, you seem like you don't seem depressed. I mean, you're just you're just worrying.


Listen, the first four months of this, I think I had a pretty good attitude and we're kind of reclusive anyway. So it wasn't even it was different, but it wasn't like crazy different. Right. But I think once it hit four months and there's no end in sight, I definitely started feeling more depressed.


Now I feel I feel that now. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like all I want to do is like I want somebody to fix it and I want to live. Yeah. Yeah.


That's that's what Biden and Carmella's platform needs to be.


We're going to fix it and you can leave.


Oh yeah. It's crazy for comedians because it's like you're so used to traveling and then it's just like nope. And you can't do sets. I mean I keep wondering about all these comedians that when I was younger, they're like, you got to do three sets and got to do three. Sure they do.


Yeah. What's it, what is it. What is it. Tell doing.


I don't know. I mean what is it like those people. Actually I know what they're doing. They're doing fucking shows are they. I've seen them on Instagram people. Well I don't know about it, but there's comedians that are straight up doing shows right now.


I know.


Fucking like a couple of guys went out and got covid in the guys in in a couple of guys. You know, those guys. But those guys. Yeah, but I. I don't know.


I don't feel like I'm not missing it that much. I don't know. Why is that.


We know. Oh no, not in the slightest. I mean I always had major ambivalence. No I know.


But I didn't really I just it was a habit. I did it and I and I always like doing it. It was just my life.


But I haven't I haven't fucking missed it at all, really. It's weird. I think I needed to break or something. And I feel like my special if that's my last special. My last one. Fuck it. That was as good as I'm going to be really.


OK, see now that is a huge, huge feeling. That's what I'm always seeking is like I want to feel I put out something that expressed myself to the fullest and then I'll feel like I can rest. You know, you don't feel like you have.


Well, no, because I want to make like a TV show or I wrote a movie that I want to make. Or like, you know, it's like something like that where it's like, yeah, oh you and you, yeah, you have control over it. And you're not just relying on an audience full of weirdos to justify whether you're good or not. Yeah, exactly.


I mean, just like more like your full sensibility, like. Yeah, I guess I haven't hit that place. So if I die right now I won't be that psyched.


That's weird because I, I that's exactly what's going on. Like there is part of me that was and it's right now where I'm like I could be done. I saved a little. No, wait a minute.


No, I'm not suicidal. No, no, no. Not buttoned up here.


Everyone's going to be like, you're encouraging my children. So I'm like, absolutely don't do it. Oh, no.


I know. I was going with the retired this is the retired fantasy. This isn't hanging from my closet door fantasy. This is why I'm in Ireland in a in a cottage. OK, good.


That's beautiful. That's beautiful. Yeah. I love that for you.


No, no. But there is a feeling where I'm like, what what else, what else do I have to do. I've done it. I granted I didn't do it on a level where everyone in the world knows me. I'm not that famous, but in my heart I know I did it.


Fuck it. Yeah, that's pretty good. Have you been writing a movie? You know, I wrote one and I, I'm pretty into it. And then this pandemic happened. So like it was kind of like moving around. Things were happening and then this pandemic happened. And, you know, I had zero desire to try to work these first four months. This is only like just now where I'm like, all right, well, if this is going to go on for this long, I got to figure out something creatively to feel inspired and.


Just have goals in my life, but what are we in month five? Is that one month in?


I think so, but honestly, I feel like I've been saying for months, for a while.


So, yeah, maybe it is five months because it went it would started like in the middle of March. Right. So maybe June, July, August. Yeah, we're at five months or so.


You can't I'm not, I haven't felt the pressure. Why me.


Obviously I went through some fucking shit but I haven't felt the pressure to create really other than talk to people and talk on the podcast.


But and again, this is something I'm working for. Sure. I'm definitely working. And occasionally I'll do the Panichi know live Instagram. Yes.


The random to you just sitting around going, it's time. Let's do it. Hey, someone talk to me. Yeah. Have you done this? Yes, definitely.


It's social media is just such a crazy world where you can just be like, OK, I need a shot of attention and then you just can go get that shot.


And then it lasts for a while because someone says something messed up in the comments and then you're like, no, I don't need this attention. I don't need this.


So aren't they going to run out of shit for us to watch?


I already feel pretty limited.


I've watched a few things, but, you know, I we really like Love Island UK and they have like eighties eighty episodes a season. So that's that's holding me down pretty good.


Did you watch I may destroy you. Oh my God, I haven't completed it but I think it's so brilliant.


And what a trip man.


I mean I think her show is such a masterpiece because it's funny and it's cool looking and engaging, but it truly makes you go to an incredibly deep place, especially. I mean, and not to say men don't also suffer sexual trauma as she shows in her show, too, and straight men do, too. And so, yeah, it definitely made me like revisit trauma and like. Have to process it again. So I think that's that's such an amazing service to the people and and.


Incredible to create something that has such an intense impact on people.


Yeah, it's like for me, like I just wanted to watch it because I found her to be so engaging and it feels like a different world to me generationally and also race wise, like I literally.


All I can sort of see is and feel is the humanity coming through it, but in terms of the context, I know nothing about that world that England about being, you know, black in England, about being, you know, any of it. And don't sell yourself short.


I think you know a lot. And I'm just going to say no.


But but nonetheless, the issues and the humanity and the intensity all comes through. And I can't stop watching it. I watched all of them.


It's so good. I can't I got to finish it, but it's definitely like so fucking intense. And just talking to other people, you know, everyone I talk to about it, it's like it brings up so much shit for people. It's wild.


What else you've been watching anything fun, though. Yeah. Dave, I thought was fun. I love search party. I love love island.


I don't even know what these are really a search party. You would like a search party a lot. What is that. It's kind of like this mix between a comedy and a thriller.


Oh OK. And and it's it's really good.


Are your are your, your people calling you, offering you things and setting up meetings like show business is going to happen.


Not really. Were you there like you went to a general meeting.


Like why we know you want to tread water. Yeah. I don't shoot an entire season of a TV show that they've now pushed to. Twenty twenty one maybe. Oh my God. Oh my God. There's nothing, there's nothing like it now like that.


When I really think about that, I'm so glad I have this job of doing the podcast. But like the thing that I have to do that I'm contractually obligated to do there like some time in twenty, twenty one my stand up, I'm not coming back.


I don't want to go to fucking drive ins or like I what's I think driving sounds kind of fun honestly.


Like it sounds better than regular but I'm like good. Keep the audience encased in metal and glass. They keep them.


How are you, how do you pace yourself if you can't hear them laughing? I just I guess you just presume they're laughing.


I'm not good at that. I don't know. I mean, yeah, I guess maybe it would suck. I mean, I don't know. I just think, like, the context of doing stand up for people in their cars would be funny. And then you could riff on that or something.


Sure. Sure. For a while. And then you'd just be standing alone in front of a giant empty screen in front of your alone a rings out through the air.


Unclear if it's heckling or support. Exactly.


I've been watching old movies. Of course you have. You haven't you? The Criterion channel. Have you just.


No, I said I'm jealous of other people because it was just a happy time. Like I honestly I'm not even convinced. Like what's in the Criterion Show. I mean, I'll tell you what, I liked that movie.


If you think you should have watched if you studied film at some point in your life.


Right. Right. That's what I'm afraid of. Like I liked On Golden Pond. Yeah.


I don't think that's on there.


Like, how old are we talking? They go back, man.


I don't know. I think there's a whole there's a whole bunch of movies under Western Noir.


Oh, God, I don't know. I don't know. I can't like the old movie pace. It's just like I feel like I'm like trying to act like a smart person watching it. And I'm like, oh, just cut to something. Go, go, go. Yeah, I'm just too used to faster moving things like it's hard.


So you guys aren't socializing at all. Is it all on face time and zoom. Yeah. We're not, you know, occasional backyard masked things.


But the thing that I could do it it's not killing me. It's more my kid not having seen any kid in four months. I'm worried he's going to get weird, you know. Yeah, but I try to comfort myself, like if we grew up on a farm or somewhere rural or remote, like it's not like you'd be going to classes every week, like these metropolitan kids.


How do those farm kids turn out? Really, you want to farm? Well, the difference is those farm kids are like feeding chickens like a horse that their friend.


I mean, he's not getting the upside of that. You know, he's just in a backyard of a home. So I don't know. I don't know. I'm just worried he's going to get weird. I mean, he said yesterday, I don't want the mirror anymore. I want other kids. Oh, no. Oh, my God.


I'm like, oh, my God. I mean, these things just like really they just really hurt your heart. And you think of like I look at my old photos of, like, all these birthday parties and classes and museums and things like that. We always we're doing it. Just give him like he's like a little sponge. You want to give your kid tons of new experiences and things to learn and write. He was just soaking it all up and all of a sudden it's like you can't touch anyone, you can't see anyone, everything's closed.


And it's like you just it just feels bad.


So have you talked to other parents? What are they doing? You know what other parents they're like. You're lucky your kids young. It doesn't have any impact on them at all. It's like every parent wants to say, I've got it the worst my kids thought, but I don't agree. Like, how about my son said he doesn't want them here anymore. He wants other kids. You think that might be a psychological issue? There's no way around it.


There's no way that he does he have friends that you can talk to on the zoomer? Nothing there.


I guess he's he's not into the Zoome.


You know what he does when I get him on with another kid, he goes by so the apple doesn't fall far from like that is.


And and they'll be so excited to talk to him. They're like horrified by and walks away. So I don't know.


I'm trying to constantly look at the statistics and the research and see if there's ways for him to have a school, a small school situation or a play date. But we just we don't know any families that are being as strict as we are.


And, oh, you don't have, like a pod of people.


You know, we know I don't have a pod. And honestly, all the pod talk is so stressful. It's like, yeah, I'm not trying to pod with someone who doesn't know how to cook, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not cooking for everyone.


And, you know, like I'm not trying to pod with someone who's like I can't communicate comfortably with about things like it's a pretty big trust that you're putting in someone. And if I can't ask you questions and feel safe, I'm not going to pod with you, so. So that leaves no one so. So a pod means it's actually some sort of, like agreement that you're all going to do this together, the pod thing.


Yeah, you're supposed to have agreed upon rules that everyone in the pod agrees to. And I mean, even like. Ostensibly in writing wow, that you all hold each other, too, but I don't know anyone who has that attitude, you know, and and the encouraging thing. But then I saw conflicting news recently was that the idea was that young children don't transmit it or contract it as easily.


Yeah, but then I saw something conflicting that and that's how it's been this whole time. Just endless. But at least Putin found a vaccine that's encouraging. Yeah.


And it's only a matter of time before Trump, you know, invites him here to make facture it. Maybe we're just going to become, you know, sister, brother, sister nations.


And that's right. We can just, you know, freely go to Russia if we want. It's all going to be the same government.


Sometimes I'm like, are we just going to hear, like a loud speaker and Russian? And we're like, it's happening.


It's time now. We have to and we have to get that app and translate things.


Yeah, exactly. Hold it up to the sky.


So I watch the what is how did that movie happen?


The spinster movie spinster happened. My agency just forwarded me an email with an offer to play this role.


That's what I thought it was an indie film, right? Yes. No money and no money.


And, you know, they said this. We kind of like this script. This guy's never made a movie before. No. Oh, opposite.


They didn't say one comment on the script. They just forwarded me an offer for my first lead role in a film with no comment at all about anything.


And no.


And it was directed by a woman. And she has directed, like, I think three other movies. I'm sorry I didn't know the Scotia.


I didn't mean to be condescending. She's a huge fan of yours.


So I just want to I just want to preserve that. Is she. Yeah. Yeah, I did. I didn't there wasn't a lot of paperwork. There was no I didn't get a big press package about the movie.


Listen, I don't I don't mean to make you feel bad. I just want to what's your name clarify. Andrea Dorfman. And she's from. She's a Canadian. Yeah.


Actually, I don't know if she's from Nova Scotia. I forget, but she she's lives there and that's where all her films were set.


Oh, because I just talked to Ellen Page and she's from Nova Scotia. I know she's like sort of been a great confidant for all things Nova Scotia.


So what so what was the process. So you just took so they sent me this. I said, oh, that's cool. I think my son I don't know, I just had my son. So he was young. I went and I requested that they send me her other movies and I watched them. And, you know, this is cool. This woman feels very artistic. Nova Scotia is like this beautiful backdrop in all her films, and it looks really cool and and I was like, let me I want to do this.


I want to go to Nova Scotia, bring my baby. I brought my awesome nanny at the time who made it all possible. And and it was like a month. And we did it. It was like a 14 hour trip door to door.


You shot it all in Nova Scotia?


Yeah, it was in Halifax. And know was like some of the outlying areas and it was pretty cool.


Yeah, it was written by a woman directed by a woman and the DP was a woman. So that was also appealing to me.


Well that's great.


And also well that explains a lot of things because I was like, how do I not know one of these actors. Yes, because it was all Canadian.


Yeah, Canadians. Yeah. I thought you were really funny. And I and I think that this it deals with like sort of it's what's funny is that like looking back at the interview we did ten years ago. Right. Would have been that person. Exactly.


Well that's what people are like. Was it so hard for you to play this person? I'm like, no, I feel like I was a stone's throw from being this woman, right? Yeah. And I like I said, I still do my worst fear as I know I could lose everything, that I feel too lucky and I feel too happy. And it's like I think this is a thing. If your childhood had some weird things going on, you're like always waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know.




What's going on with your folks you talk to like they're still around, right? Yeah, they are. My dad who like was a kind of a reclusive guy himself. Like, no, that covid is happening. He's like, I have to go to a store every day. He's like, I got to get out of the house. Where is the store? Every day? He's in the Bay Area. Oh, that's where I grew up right now.


Oakland, they're both still up there.


Yeah. Huh. So he's out.


He's going to stores. Everything is going to stores every single day. I'm like, you're such a contrarian. Like before this, like his wife would like beg him to leave the house and go do stuff. And he was just like always in the house.


And so where's your mom? What's she doing? She's well, everyone's everyone's stuck right now.


But I mean, are they keeping keeping it together? Well, they're not. No, they're separate entities. So I was one.


But I mean, are they personally. That's all I mean. Oh yeah. I mean, I listen, they seem like they're doing good.


My mother going I feel like my mother is starting to come unhinged a little bit because her mom, she's OK.


But I mean, her boyfriend was annoying to begin with.


And I just can't apologize, you know, like it's just the thought of them to, you know, like, when's that going to break up? Does he listen?


No, he doesn't listen at all. And he never changes your mom.


Yeah. No. To your podcast. Oh. Oh, no. I thought you meant as a person. No, my mom will listen, but he doesn't listen.


John doesn't listen. I mean, he he gets mad at me sometimes because he hears things about what I said.


But, yeah, he just never he just keeps talking. My mother is always found and always the two men that she's with that I knew, she just finds dudes that are like, you know, spin around and she just watches him spin around. And the entire engagement with this man is her going like John, please, John. Yeah, please. Right, John. Right.


That's you know, what's so weird is that every children's book, like so many of them, have a female character like that, like the nag or the person who's like, stop having fun. And I'm like, wow, we really start them young. That prepares them for every fucking comedy that Hollywood makes. Yeah. That has a similar role for a woman.


Well, she's not really a nag. She just was is wants him to, you know, stop ranting and raving about bullshit.


Right. Right. Yeah.


He's, he just cleans things compulsively. That's like his hobby now has he.


He's never come on the podcast because that sounds pretty entertaining.


No, but I've sort of made fun of him on the podcast because, you know, it's just the way he talks. You know, everything he says, you know, is qualified by all he's gotten into that phase where he tells the same story.


Yeah. Maybe two or three times a day. And and then he always says it was a different time. That's yeah.


He has he has a catchphrase, I'm afraid. Yeah. Yeah. The different time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My grandmother used to always go.


It's a terrible thing. It's a terrible thing. She would just say that. And what about you.


Like what about Jordan's family. Are they nearby. What's that. Yeah. I mean because you know they're, they're all East Coast.


Oh my. Yeah. So you guys are all separated. So you're always doing this, um, call thing all the time. Yeah.


We tried to do this like Sunday. I guess trivia with our families, where we do a video chat and we do trivia and we try to like gear some toward younger people in their interests and some towards the older people. It's weird, though. It's like really makes you realize how biased trivia is. It's just like if you if you have trivia questions about the 50s, like the parents, the older parents to get them. Yeah. You know.


So it just feels like trivia is pandering to people in whatever bubble they're in. I guess.


So I guess that trivia doesn't mean it has to be you know, there's this idea of like things that, you know, from back in the day is trivia, but trivia questions like this.


Yeah. It's like a false objectivity to the whole idea of trivia.


But trivia can be like, you know, what is the biggest continent? I don't know.


Is that trivia or is that just information? Ask a history buff.


I don't know.


But so how many people on this call? Like twenty.


No, no. And the sad thing is, like, we just keep it keeps getting messed up like a nap time will be off or whatever. It's just it's like actually kind of hard to keep it going, but we were trying to do it. We'll see.


So what about all the like what about comedian friends? Do you talk to people?


Yes. Motion and Tausche, they're very sick. They go sit in the backyard with them. Yeah, I've done that. And I heard you did to get on a little hike or something. Or was that with on me.


And I'll go hiking twice a week. Yeah.


Everyone I talked to is like I just saw man.


So you're going to definitely have coped by the end of the year, your patient zero, but no emotion to have this new set up where they have like a big movie like their TV, but it's on the other side of these glass doors so I can sit outside and watch a movie with them.


But it sucks as a comedian because you have to, like, shout your jokes through the glass door. It's like the opposite of effortless.


But like in terms of like, I can't I can't write anything. Are you writing anything?


I keep telling myself that I'm getting ready to start writing something again. There's something I really want to write another movie, but I don't know. I don't know, man.


Are you going to therapy still or do you ever. Why? I do distance therapy on my porch.


Oh, that's she comes over. That's that's a house call. Yeah, it's old timey.


She's doing house calls. I'm about to figure out if I can find a trainer. That'll do fucking house calls. Oh, my God. I know. I bring that too. There's people I know. I bought this like tiny exercise bike that CUENTA Brunson suggested, and I put it in a shower in my house because there's like we don't have a spot for it. And I don't want my son getting into it. And I've been trying to ride that every day.


It's pretty depressing, though, just riding a stationary bike inside of a shower.


Why go out? I go hike is in my doing the wrong thing inside a shower. No. What do you mean? It's because there's one shower that we don't use that much and it's like we don't have a huge, massive house and like we don't have like a logical spot for an exercise bike ride.


Just put it in that shower and like in the tub. No, it's just a shower, OK? Are you getting outside enough? Come in. It's like in a shower. Do not understand. No, I would like to hike. I haven't really hiked. It's hard to find the time because we've been sort of just constantly bringing glasses of water to my son.


As any mom will tell you, much of your day is spent bringing beverages to your child.


Yeah, I guess that's right. I mean, I talked to Birx and he's you know, he's got a new baby and a new. Now, are you having.


Well, that's probably I should probably set aside then don't you worry. But I mean, there are you like like are you having, like, a broad sort of future concerns for the kids? Yes, yeah.


Yeah, I definitely am, because I think that all these kids, they're going to be impacted by this. How can you not? It's like prior to this, everything I'm doing, I'm trying to nurture my child's development. And how could a year in which this child is like a sponge and you're saying you can't see anyone, you can't touch anyone, you can't get close to anyone, how will that affect and shape? Yeah. How they see people in the world.


How could it not impact them?


You know, it's so fucked up about it. It's like in my brain keeps hitting. This is like there's no one to make us feel better. Like you can call somebody and be like, how's it going there right now? Oh, God, what do you think? Same as you.


It's like what I know I saw someone this girl that is actually it doesn't matter. But this girl that's helping me do my merch, she did this post about how you can't really expect anything from your friends in this time. You shouldn't expect anything from your friends. And I was like, that's kind of wild. Like in some ways I'm like, yes, you should be able to expect things from your friends. But in other ways, I'm like, you know, it is true.


Everyone is like struggling. Everyone is trying their hardest to hold it together.


Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And and their fam and take care of their families and just get through each day. So like, yeah, they might not be the best friend right now. Are you able to focus on their friends right now. But on the other hand, you know, as far as people are suffering from depression and all this stuff as a friend, like, I would like to be there if I can for people and I try to like text people or check in with people that I know are alone.


And, you know, stuff like that, when I can I talk to you, I talk to my friend Sam every night. That's cool. He's got a flag. But like, I'm the alone guy, but like every night we talk know and it's good.


Yeah. And my friend Tom, you know, Scharpling. Yeah. Even I don't know him well.


He'll like he'll come over and eat with me like once a week at school. Yeah.


I think those things are so important right now like those, but those are like those risks that I have to take even before Lynn died, like, you know, I knew that, like if I don't take care of if I don't do a few things, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. So, like, there are certain things where it's like, I can't deny myself that or I'll start talking to myself. Everything will get bleak. I'll get all fucking magical thinking and it'll be bad.


I mean, it's so good that you're seeing a therapist, especially because you're having to process grief and all that. I mean, to do that all alone is just a nightmare.


Yeah, no, I'm I'm definitely I'm definitely talking to people. So are you moving Merche? From grief to words, you like, get off my grief, bitch. Um, yes, I am moving, Mirch.


I think my first Mirch pack went really, really quick and I think this second one is a little bit slower, but still doing really good. Mean, I don't. What is it? What are the mirch what's the merch?


Well, you know, I have a whole comedy concept album about coffee.


Yeah. Yeah, I like the record.


So so like with each EP, I don't really believe you like it. No, I do. It's like I listen to it.


I thought it was going to be a comedy record, but it seems like there's some pretty earnest tunes on there. Yeah there are. There are.


But then I thought that was funny. Yeah. You know like to have a really earnest song on a concept album about coffee. But anyway, so with each episode I dropped different merch related to the EP.


So that's, that's the merch I have. I've never done merch before this in my entire comedy career.


I think it's a good time for merch because people that do have a good time for people who do have money are sitting around buying shit online. Exactly.


It is weird. Like it's counterintuitive because you think isn't everyone fucked up right now? I'm broke, but I feel like those who have anything are like I need some shopping therapy and I need I need a trinket to hold in my home.


Yeah. And give me some sense of something happening. Right. Yeah.


And it's delivered. It's exciting. There's a box. They dropped a box over the fence.


Exactly. I don't know if you ever went to sleep away camp, but I went down to Wanga when I was younger. Up in the Sierras. Yeah. And you would get the whole fun of the camp was getting boxes from your family like.


Yeah, yeah. Cookie, that's what I feel I'm giving myself when I shop online. Yeah.


It's like Christmas every day. And now this fucking president is fucking with the post office. So he's taken that.


Understand it. Now what do we got if the post office. No, I ordered six pairs of wooden chopsticks yesterday. How am I know how much I want.


I need them now. What are you eating with chopsticks.


I just cooking a lot of oh sometimes I get sushi and and I only have one pair of chopsticks. I thought, what if there comes a time where I'm going to want to have people over and they want their own set of chopsticks.


That is so sad.


You should set the table now and let it wait until pandemic's over just several settings with chopsticks and some soy sauce bowl some old dusty chopsticks preserved over like when is this going to end? That's the thing. I don't I don't know. I don't know when or how.


And then also, do you think Trump will win?


You know, dude, I can't even fucking my fear goes a lot deeper than that. You worry about your kids. I worry about, like all the desperation, all the you know, all the people that are going to be evicted and desperate and angry.


And, you know, and I worry about that, too. Now, I know you do, but my my worry goes the next step, which is where the you know, the Trump, you know, is back. And he says, look, I know you're angry. Do you want to wear a uniform that will entitle you to, you know, kill your neighbors?


So, listen, I think of this, too. Everything that's happening makes me think of all these things. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.


Well, that's it's such a lot to manage. And now all I think about is like, can I get to Ireland? Is there a way that that can happen?


I mean, my old name, my old clan.


What is your thing with Ireland? It just seems like the place, like, who fucking cares?


You know what I mean?


It's like I just realize you've mentioned Ireland like eight times. Well, it's like what is it's beautiful.


It's small. It doesn't seem to cause a lot of trouble in the world. It doesn't seem like anybody wants to fuck with it. And the people are nice. And now I feel like I don't know the history.


But doesn't Ireland have, like, a crazy horse? Yes, yes. Yes.


I mean, there's yeah, there's there's the battle. Is it possible your ideal? Yes, of course it is.


I'll go to Canada. I don't care Canada. I'm going, you know, but I don't I don't know what the other options are.


I don't I don't really want to go to Mexico. I don't speak the language.


You know, Hawaii is part of this country, but it still holds a feel.


What, Hawaii? Yeah. Yeah. But then you're on an island. Yeah. You're just sitting out there.


Yeah. Yeah. I've been to Hawaii many times. After about ten days, you're like, I can't get the fuck out of here, but maybe that's because you're on vacation.


I know somebody who went down there. I know somebody who's holed up down there and he's going to stay down there till January.


How's how's that person feeling? He seems Pierce Brosnan.


No, it's a comedian, but I don't know if he's I don't feel like. Yes, he's waiting on that. He's down there.


So that's cool. I like a secretive person, I love I love holding secrets. Yeah, well, we all do it, but yeah, I don't know where to go.


I don't know what's going to be open to us. I mean, it's I don't know. Is New Zealand now having covid again?


Like, I don't think I think I think that the sort of what it would it seems like New Zealand is just idealized fantasy idea and it's only really practical for people that are billionaires.


Like to me, it's like, you know, like the people they're letting in the ticket to get into New Zealand is fifty million dollars, I don't know, making that up.


But I mean, doesn't does it seem like it's available to us? And anywhere you go, you've got a quarantine for a couple of weeks, like even Ireland would wait.


So you think that we have a similar I don't know, you just get a small house and you don't have fifty million dollars to go to New Zealand and buy a bunker?


No, I don't. I definitely don't. I don't know. Ah, the bunker is needed right now. No, no.


That's a whole other level of concern. I do find solace in the fact that the United States is very big and I believe that there's still, at this point, a lot of people that are good hearted and decent minded. And I do think that a lot of our apocalyptic fears, though justified, I don't think they'll happen overnight.


And I still isn't it funny that when alien life comes up now, people are like, maybe they'll save us? I always thought they used to be so scared of them. And now we're like, please, please help us. Yeah, well, that's right.


That that what was the one? Was it Independence Day that was the best part of that movie where all those people were on that rooftop saying, we love you, save us and they just get killed, they just get it right.


That's hippies with signs.


Once they know the aliens are here and they just torch them.


Maybe I should watch Independence Day. Sure, why not? I think it's independence. Never seen it. I'm pretty sure it's Independence Day. I think that's a bill. Bill Pullman plays the president. And I think actually Randy Quaid saves the world.


Who are your favorite actors? And really in general.


Yeah, like who do you think, like, really moves you on a regular basis as an actor?


Who am I excited to see? Like, will you cry to a movie? I feel like you would.


I do. I cry to a lot of different movies, all criterion, not all the criterion ones.


You know, I was crying about the the pacing sometimes sometimes it's difficult to get through.


I've been watching a lot of Mike Leigh movies in the pacing on them is pretty good because he's great.


They're British. What are his dark? He does a lot of improvised kind of work. The movies like Secrets and Lies or.


Well, yeah, like it's all British kind of working class, heavy hearted shit, but it's great.


Yeah. It's, you know, some of the. That's good.


Some actors, you just sort of like how the fuck do they even do that. I know, but I don't know who am I.


It's hard for me to really think about my favorites, but I enjoy you know, I've been watching sometimes I'll go on YouTube and I'll just watch old Don Rickles clips on The Tonight Show and shit.


That doesn't count as a favorite. It's fun to do that. Do you ever watch those old comics?


Some of them are so fucking funny that much so fucking far. That much.


I'm a real fan of timing. You know what I watched the other night on Criterion California Suite and was a good it's a it's a Neil Simon script, and it's like four different sets of people at this hotel in Hollywood.


It's it's Alan Alda and Jane Fonda, you know, in One Chenery.


And it's they're great. And I would watch that. And then but then there's sort of Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby and their wives in another one. And it's real sticky and weird. And then there's Walter Matthau and Elaine May or another couple, and that gets a little weird.


And then there's Michael Caine and Maggie Smith. And the young Maggie Smith, yeah, and but the stuff between Alan Alda and Jane Fonda is beautiful. Great act. She's good. She's great. All right. Go deal with your day. All right.


Listen, thanks for having me. This is actually, like, so weird that this is how we've caught up after all these years, after all this time that we haven't really had a long talk or anything. But I'd be happy to.


Yeah, me too. It was good to see you got some good laughs and it was great seeing you. And because the last time I saw you, I remember it. I held your purse when you went on stage.


Thank you. That's always been a conundrum for me.


I'm glad you never know what to do with the you could trust me with the purse always forever. All right. See you later. Say hi to Jordan.


I will buy. I love Chelsea Peretti, how fun was that? That was fun. I maybe I had a good time. Chelsea movie Spinster is available now on VOD and digital platforms. I'm going to I don't know, I got it. Clunky guitar piece. I'll play for you right now, OK. All right then.


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