Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert I'm Diane Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Miles. Hello. Hello. Hello. We have a great guest on today. He was a guest that we heard on Howard Stern and just thought we must talk to him in addition to being fans of his.

Prior to that, Colin Jost, Colin Jones is a comedian and actor and a writer. He's been a writer for CNN Life since 2005 and weekend update writers since 2004. You will see him host Weekend Update, where he does an incredible job with his partner, Michael Che.

So he also has a new book that recently made it onto the New York Times bestseller list. And it's called A Very Punchable Face, A Memoire, A Very Punchable Face, A Memoir. And if you like, memoir, a memoir, what I say memoire.

Oh, here we go. And we're not even, in fact, check yet. Can you tell me in the fact check, I messed up the intro. He has a lot of funny pooping your pants stories that just the little teaser I'm going to give you. So hope you are in the market for that. And enjoy Colin Jost.

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Oh, my gosh. In the flesh, but not really, but kind of look how cute you are. My goodness, you guys are adorable.

We just had Dave Franco on, and I was saying, you know, that guy could cut your wife's head off. And then that smile, he hit you with it and you're like, oh, my God, what a pleasure doing business with you.

I got to say, yes, this is rivaling. Yeah, it's in the same zone.

OK, great. I'll start chopping heads off. Let's do it. Don't you love as someone who's funny, like don't all you want to be in life is hot as fuck.

Yeah. Yeah. As early on as a kid. Yeah. You're like wow that would be great because it's such a thing you can't switch, you know, you can't practice being good looking. I mean no.

When you're a kid you're like I can get smarter, I'm working at it, I'm trying to get better grades, I'm trying to get better at writing and math. But these other kids, they're just like hot guys.

If you do pull an all nighter, odds are you're going to look worse. So it's actually, you know, it's inversely related. After all nighters at work, anyone I was dating was really horrified.

Husk of a person emotionally, physically. Oh, never, never a good time for that.

I was listening to the Stern interview and I was playing it for Monica. You were so great on on Stern the other day. Really good.

I was terrified, you know, like I had never done it before. And he's a guy obviously I grew up listening to and watching, like late night, whatever it was, reruns on E whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. The weird video version he had. Yeah. The video version. I realized as I'm saying it, I don't even know what was that a rerun. Was that happening at nine a.m. and then being replayed.

But I loved him so much and it was you know, it's nerve racking to do it. You know, I was very grateful he liked the book because and I was less worried about going into some kind of buzz saw and. Yeah, you know, having no sense of where you'd be coming from.

Well, I had flown in from L.A. the first time I did it, and I stayed awake the entire night preparing.

I was trying to anticipate his questions about my sex life or about Kristen's vagina or anal sex and all. I'm thinking of every permutation of Kristen's body and how I'm going to divert him off that topic. Right. I mean, I couldn't sleep. And I have to imagine you were doing the same thing like, oh, this is going to be all about Scarlett.

You make it sound like a great exercise. He forced me to just contemplate every position.

Yes, of course.

Your mind goes to we had what where is he going to go? And you certainly don't want to volunteer. I'm also happy he didn't say. What was the worst question you thought I was going to ask?

Yeah, because it probably was worse than whatever he had in mind.

I just stumbled accidentally once he found out that I had been such a bad addict that I had been kicked off the Conan O'Brien show that was tasty enough for him to get off of sex. Right. And then I think magically what you did was I think he was so interested in the shooting the pan stories that he just really lost his original aim.

That's my addiction. That was that was there. And he found it out. You lead with the addiction.

And can I tell you the reason we're talking is because I heard you and I said to Monica, we have to get Colin because I have a hundred shitting my pants stories, maybe more. I'm like, this is a fellow fisherman at sea. Oh, yeah.

I'm so happy this will become my legacy. It's a good one.

Like every author dreams of. Yes. All the great authors. This is The Great Gatsby for Pants.

Well, you majored in Russian literature. Dostoyevsky couldn't go for days without shitting his pants. I think everyone.

Oh, my God. Yeah, he would do it on a dare to make money between books. I love that he, like, constantly lost all his money. Then he's like, I better write a novel. So he's like, it's so funny that something like Crime and Punishment was probably written because he needed money for more gambling, gambling debt.

Yeah, I looked at Crime and Punishment. I was like, not a chance. What does that seven hundred pages or something. But the gambler, we're looking at one hundred pages and I read it and I was like, oh, I've never understood the mind of a gambling addict. And I fully do now like I'm living inside of that head in. This guy's a genius at allowing you into someone's head like that. And then I made my way through Crime and Punishment and about halfway through I was like, oh, this is the greatest thing I've ever read in my life.

And I think I know what it feels like to kill somebody and wait to get discovered.

Yeah. Yeah. And you don't even have to necessarily do it yourself. I mean, that's not to discourage you. I don't want to, but I don't necessarily have to.

It's funny how the mind of a gambler, I guess, stays pretty consistent and it's just the game or whatever. They're gambling on the changes. I don't know if this is like Wist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some weird Prussian parlor game and then it could be horses or that it could be poker or blackjack or whatever. Whatever it is, the mindset's very much the same. It's just whatever you're doing. But the novel aspect for me was like, oh, this obsession of this fairy tale of getting even. But that's the story they're all telling themselves. If I could just get even, I could quit this thing. And getting even's not probably mathematically possible. At some point you're going to go above it or below it or you just you've set a goal.

Your exit strategy is unobtainable.

And that's fascinating. It's not a great long term plan. The other one, I'll say two, is the one that I read that was it's also short notes from underground is another one that he wrote. And it's like a great intro one because it's super intense. It's maybe like one hundred pages. It's so relevant now.

It's all about this guy who's like offered his own world, super angry at society, totally misanthropic mind, and he's so in his own world and is creating this whole conspiracy against himself and society. And he feels very much of today.

It sounds like the plot of Joker. Yes, it is.

Essentially, honestly, it's kind of joker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Joker.

Before Joker, I was watching Joker. They paint such a detailed picture of like that experience in the 70s. And I actually thought for the first time, maybe video games are awesome.

Maybe that type of person now has this outlet for aggression and the isolation feels commutative and it maybe there's more options for people that are of that inclination. I don't know. Yeah, they play Call of Duty and they're like, I have been called to duty. Yeah, I have a purpose. I have a purpose in life. Here's how my aggression is getting out. And I'm doing it for for honor and for country. Yes.

And I've killed virtually twelve hundred people today, which feels like a tenth of a real person and that's enough for me to not do it.

Thanks. Probably say otherwise. Right, because there's more that scientists.

Sure. That's scientist is a good thing. But come on, who wants that. I need you to stay here. Yeah. Yeah. You probably wear masks to Jesus. Well, I have a good Joker story I just remembered.

I went to see a joker in the theater and I was alone in New York and I was like, you know what? I hadn't seen it. I was going to Times Square to go see Joker after work or something. So I went and I was like, it was the winter. And I was like, well, I don't want to go in alone into a theater. And the off chance someone recognized me. I don't want to just be, like, exposed alone in the middle of a crowded theater.

So I, I had a coat on. You sat down. I go in right when the movie's starting, I get a seat and like, sit down and then. Ten, 15 minutes into the movie, like past previews, the movie started a two people come in here like, excuse me, sir, we reserved this seat online in advance. You're actually in our seat, OK? I was like, whoa. And I was in the middle of a row.

I was like, there were other seats, too.

I was like, this movie's already started. Yeah. I think you've lost your seating privileges. And then in my mind, I'm thinking you're about to see the Joker.

Do you really want to fuck with a guy who's in a trench coat alone in Times Square watching the Joker? You know, I was like, this is not your battle.

I'm staying away from that guy. There's a lot of red flags there. I got to say, you just made me think of one of my bigger hurdles. Getting over being recognizable in public is that I loved eating by myself and I love going to movies by myself to my favorite activities. And I got all of a sudden so self-conscious about that.

Like they're probably like, God, I would have thought that life would be more fun. I would have thought that guy had a lot of friends.

You know, I just start filling in this narrative for everyone that's seen me.

You're basically not just blowing it for you.

You're blowing it for the idea of Allegre. Like this is what it is now. I guess an iconoclast just by going by myself, the best guess is Sharkey's pizza or whatever the fuck it's called.

Shakey's. Yeah.

Yeah, well, there's Shakey's Pizza, but I was actually thinking of Chicago Fire Grill, which is a healthy chickens and stuff.

It's great. I'm in there by myself all the time. You could see me at any moment.

We're clearly operating at different pizza levels where I'm like, have you heard of Shakey's?

Weirdly enough, I got invited to this gal's party fifteen years ago and we went and she was throwing a party, but she was only renting the guest house and it turned out she was renting the guest house of the Shakey's Pizza family.

Wow. And they're on, I don't know, eleven acres.

They have a fucking pond with swans and stuff. The shaky pizza people.

It's the best now that we're getting into an era. And that's even a highbrow relative to other ones like the Shakey's Pizza Eres. Yeah. You know, the people that take that over.

And it's going to get so, so much weirder when you go down the line of Tic-Tac fortune and all these people. Yeah, you know, they like Johnson and Johnson. People are like, wow, this is really going to shit. Oh yeah.

You're on the East Coast when you guys would go south. I imagine you grew up in Staten Island. Did you guys, like, go on a yearly vacation to Florida?

We went to Disney World and pretty much the only place we went were parks out west. We would like fly to Denver and then just drive around.

This is why you love Teddy Roosevelt. It's among many reasons.

Yes, of course. Yeah. It's so funny. The book comes out and I'm like Teddy Roosevelt, who I learned about at launch, got delayed and it comes out the same week. They're like ripping down the statue of Teddy Roosevelt.

They're like, oh, wow, I didn't know that. I didn't know that was going to sync up so well. Yeah, no reference is safe, I don't think, at this point.

OK, so you're from Staten Island and your mom's a doctor and she worked for the fire department and your father was a teacher and you were a very bright kid and you went to a special school that I presume you've tested into at some point.

Yeah. And then you were commuting this insane distance public mass transit prior to Malcolm Gladwell tipping point with them turning around the subway system. Right. It it is like a graffiti laden people smoking crack.

It's quite a commute right back then.

Yeah, it was definitely, I'm sure, better than it was in like the seventies in New York. But it was still like, you know, still in the early phases of let's clean up our act kind of vibe.

And it was just it was long, you know, as a kid more a night. It's the weirder part coming home. You know, the sun sets at five o'clock or something. And so I would usually be coming home at seven or eight or nine and usually alone if you for that hour commute in with other kids from Staten Island. But then you didn't sync up your schedules coming back, so you'd sometimes be alone. And that was that was pretty weird, you know, like intimidating.

Yeah.

So I'm six years older than you. And I took a road trip there when I was eighteen in New York and we wanted to go to Harlem and we went about two in the morning and a gentleman on the subway car said, hey, do you mind if I smoke?

And we're like, of course not. We were smokers at the time. And then he pulled out a crack pipe and smoked crack was like, OK, this is great. That's kind of what we wanted to see, but also a different kind of smoking we were expecting also. Wow. Most polite.

Yeah, you can, gentlemen. I didn't know that was the style.

Like, just to pardon me sirs, my party.

Would anyone be offended if I enjoyed some incendiaries right now.

Some Chucky's brands. That just made me think though that that you're from that area.

Did you read The First Tycoon by chance? Yes. The first second is the Vanderbilt. Yes. Yes. Cornelius had no idea that.

First of all, he's obviously from Staten Island. Builds this crazy empire, Cornelius Vanderbilt was, I think, adjusted for inflation, like the fourth richest man in history.

Yeah, yeah, I think he was the first to a hundred million dollars back when the total GDP of the country was maybe like nine hundred million, like.

Yeah, I think he had a discernible percentage of the overall wealth of the country.

And he is the most Staten Island guy in retrospect, because his business started with ferries, which I think is the thing we're most known for. And then the other part I didn't even realize the lineage of which is that he then leads to Gloria Vanderbilt, who I always heard is this, you know, high society name in New York, and then that Anderson Cooper is her grandson.

Know that's his mother. That's his mother. Yes, that's his mother. So that Anderson Cooper is tied to Cornelius Vanderbilt. Staten Island. Yeah.

Merchant, whatever empire guy he whatever.

I think Empire guy, the preferred term. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get no idea that that that odd connection.

Yeah. And he was just so blue collar. That's why I liked him. And then, you know, as a kid I had gone to the Biltmore House in North Carolina. Did you ever go there in Asheville?

I don't think I ever went. Sounds like a trip your parents would have taken you on because it is a beautiful Blue Ridge Parkway. It's beautiful mountains. And then Asheville's is cute town in the Biltmore House, which I have visited as a kid, was the Vanderbilt money and I assumed it was his. But then come to find out, after reading the book, it was his children built the biggest house in America with his money. You know, they just fucked it all up in one generation.

Yeah, that's the kids. Yeah.

I'm sure if my parents are listening to this now, they're going to be really upset. They didn't bring me there. Now they've called it out and they're like, oh, we missed this cultural opportunity.

Well, I hope they feel deep shame and remorse. The place if we're we're talking about weird place to visit the place, I will plug that I went to randomly in Delaware and Wilmington was Winterthur, which is the estate of I think it was the Duponts.

Oh, sure. And it is a madhouse.

You go in, it's like one hundred rooms and each room is a completely different style of American, you know, design. And then in the middle, the coolest thing is in the middle of the house, they got one of the Duponts bought four different old homes like in from New England and took the facade off of all four and built a room in the middle of the house where those are the four walls.

Oh, my God. And it's a cobblestone floor.

So you go into the middle of the house and it looks like you're in a courtyard outside in New England in the winter. They have like fake snow that comes down a Christmas tree. Kids go into, like your story.

It's this magical, weird room that really that sounds very ripe to go do mushrooms in. Oh, yeah.

They I think they distribute that part of it. Yeah.

They're going to be really happy about that plug except for the disappointed mushrooms. The other great ones sorry that we're talking about. This is what happens when you're a stand up comedian. You have the day free and so you really get to explore the things that, you know, Museum of Death. I want to go check that out, all that stuff. But the other great one is outside of Phoenix, Arizona. There's this place called I think it's called like the Magic House or the Crystal Castle or whatever.

It's something like that. And it's this guy from I think he was from Washington State. He got sick and he didn't tell his family, his wife's kids. He was just like, you know what, I'm just going to get out of here. I'll figure it out on my own. He goes to Phoenix to help his lungs. They're like, oh, I guess he wandered into the ocean with stones at his feet or something. And then he goes to Phoenix and he buys this old plot of land.

And as his lungs start getting better and he beats this illness, he just starts collecting rocks, gems, pieces of glass, stuff he finds and he just starts building his own house. So, wow. From what he digs out of the ground, including like precious metals, whatever, and he finds like gold and he finds treasure. Wow. And he built in this crazy, beautiful house. He's built out of all these things. He builds like a secret chamber with a treasure chest and he lives there and he starts drinking heavily with locals and he builds a bar like Goonies style dumbwaiter that brings him drinks.

A lot of it's alcohol related. And then eventually after like ten or fifteen years of doing this, he writes a letter to his family and it's like, surprise, I am alive. Oh, so they like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And he goes, Hey, why don't you come by? I built a house, you're invited. And then he's like, But I don't trust you. So you have to live in my house.

I've built for a year before I tell you where the Treasury is.

Oh, my goodness. And if you're that wife, you must have been like, what? Fuck you, dude. Oh, yeah. I'm just I'm not going to get the treasure after that. The. Drinking doesn't surprise me. This is one of the most addictive stories I've ever heard. Like, I would have been able to predict that guy was a hardcore addict just from the onset. He could not have been vulnerable in front of his family.

That was unacceptable.

Better to just walk, to finish and construct a home out of precious metals.

But it's actually a genuinely cool house to see. And you're amazed that a human could slowly build it himself? Yeah, yeah.

That weirdly interests me. If I'm being that honest. That seems like a cool goal to have. I'll find a link and say it's worth it. It's worth the trip. If you got an hour to kill on the way to the Phoenix Airport, check it out.

So in this accelerated gifted school, you're going to that then land you in Harvard throughout that whole course.

What was the goal? How did comedy present itself and all that? I unpause you. I just want you to know, because I've read part of your book that you hate talking about yourself.

So just it's the greatest premise for an interview. So I already know you hate this.

That's great. Can I just talk about more castles I've seen? Well, handmade castles.

I'm trying to build enough of that in there for you as little light breathers. I'll bring up other patrician's and stuff.

So in my mind now you'll know I'm building a small castle of the story in order to distract myself. I didn't have a specific goal, I think with comedy and performing and writing. My goal was to make sure I always was around other people who did it and ideally had a job doing something in that world. And I, I had a sense enough, which we both know obviously, how much of a crapshoot this industry that we are now in is.

And I think even starting out, I thought, I don't know where this is going to go, but if I have some kind of job with people that are funny, I'm going to be happy doing that, whatever it is, at least starting out. That was the goal, to do something in that world. And then, of course, over time, your goals change. But at some point, you get yourself into the Harvard Lampoon and you become the editor.

Yeah, it's funny.

The National Harvard Lampoon connection is such a strange one, because most people, if they hear I was in the Lampoon, they're like, oh, yeah, he did National Lampoon like. But, you know, people don't even know the sort of origin of it. And I did.

And of course, but there were people who were from the Harvard Lampoon that started the National Lampoon like postgraduation they wanted to postgraduation in like the 60s, 70s. It was kind of the same people that were doing Spy magazine and like really, really important comedy.

Things like the National Lampoon did a yearbook and then they did the movies and they did those what I grew up thinking, they were the classics like Chevy Chase, vacation movies. And then I don't know when it is somewhere in the nineties, maybe all of the people that did all those classic things that we loved sold it. Oh, and so then there was no longer a comedy connection. It was like a different unrelated business entity. Yeah. So like then anything that comes after that period is not really tethered to any comedic taste in the same way.

So like something comes out now and it might say National Lampoon, but it has no correlation. But that's now the brand everyone knows. Yeah, it's a very weird thing. So yes. Anyway, so that that happened a long time ago. So there's only been writing and I became president of it when I was a junior there.

I think I was talking to make sure about it when I interviewed him. And I guess my fantasy of what you did is that you went to Hogwarts and sure was like, you know, it was awesome. And it's not Hogwarts and it is another place you find yourself in. You're like, oh, this is cool. But none of these accomplishments really end up infusing themselves into your self-esteem or your your identity or it's like you're waiting for something magic to happen because you've arrived at this place you can't imagine you could have ever gotten to.

And then there's really no accompanying feeling of like, oh, I'm awesome.

Or was there I will say to me it kind of was Hogwarts. Oh, God. Like truly and but not in a way.

I got there and I thought I was also the opposite. I got there and I was like, oh, there's real wizards, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not one.

But there are like when I started there, like the kids who were a year or two older than me who were now have written four great shows, running great shows all over. We're just the funniest people I've ever seen. And it was like seeing magic in the sense of that sounds lame, but they were so fucking funny that I was like, oh my God, I wish I could be that. Yeah. So it was both Hogwarts and very deflating because, you know, I thought I was relatively funny among my friends and I could make my friends.

And then you suddenly meet these people that are like super funny and intimidating. Yeah. And you're like, oh my God. It's the same as when you started as a comedian. You go to someplace like the Comedy Cellar at a comedy store and you're like, OK, I'm getting my feet at this. And then you see people who are who are already at the top of their game. And it's sort of a. Moralizing, I understand what Mike saying about it, but also for me, I like preserving that memory because it's so rare you ever get to feel that.

And it was like getting into this crazy thing and it changed my life. I mean, I never would have known about this as a as a potential craft and profession if I hadn't gotten in there. It was so much more than I even expected when I started applying to write at a magazine. Yeah.

Did you have the awareness? Because I have to imagine it's the very fast track to being considered for employment as a TV writer is to have been a Harvard Lampoon writer.

I bet there's a good correlation.

I think there used to be more of one than now.

OK, I think I bet if you looked at sort of the stats of it, I bet in like the nineties there was probably it was like a great track. Yeah. And now I don't know if it necessarily correlates. And I think there's probably a lot of people that right there now and and go do something else like become lawyers or become whatever. Something unrelated. Yeah. Crazy advantage you have coming from there is the people that are really doing it.

You spent almost your whole college career just writing comedy and performing, but you've just done that and intensively with other people who think that's an acceptable way to live your life. Yeah. And so that's that's pretty rare in college that you have an organization that the infrastructure for that where you're putting in all those Gladwell style hours before you actually start in the world, you know. Yeah.

Was SNL your first writing job?

No, I work for a newspaper. I was a journalist and I wrote the first paper. Yeah. On Staten Island. I started commuting back home. Shit your pants, put it in the mom's washer and.

Yeah, yeah, I think I know how to keep them honest.

And then I and then I got a job writing in an animated show that was for Nickelodeon, but I think it never aired or then aired on like a subsidiary of Nickelodeon. It was called Kappa Mikey and it was a mix of Japanese anime and American pop art, I guess is how it was described to me. That's great pop art cartoons like a fish out of water, where an American American pop art character gets cast in a Japanese anime sitcom.

And the title is Cappa Miki, which I guess is a play on Cappa Moxey, which I'm still not even aware is a type of sushi.

Maybe it is.

And the characters in it, I mean, talk about another great mushroom thing, please.

It's like a thing that I think is only available on physical DVDs that are not set for the region. We live in the region three. It's like only Eastern Europe, but it's set in Japan.

It's just nothing makes sense about it. It's so we did I did that for a while and we had to write full half hour episodes of it and we had no idea how to do that.

There were obviously some issues perhaps with the show character flaws in our show.

And I think as it was going, Nickelodeon was essentially losing all confidence in the idea of children's programming.

Do you remember the inciting incident? Because that's I got to know that. How did the pop artist end up in that fish out of water scenario? God, that's a great question. I guess he I think it was kind of a Mr. Baseball set up where he was a star in America and they bring him to Japan. And it's all going to be gravy. But is it? Yeah. Turns out there's some there's an adjustment bureau.

Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

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You need to live your most comfortable life. Right, when I read the introduction of your book, there's a couple of things that immediately I so relate to. One is you got a great quote, Joan, Joan Didion. I don't know what I think until I write it down.

Joan Didion. She's a writer. I really love her memoirs are really incredible. And I read her in high school first and then kind of just on and off throughout my life. She was in L.A. for a long time and she wrote a really great thing about I think it's called The White Album about being in L.A. right before all the Manson murders. Oh. And what the vibe was there. And and she said she almost wasn't surprised by the murders, like it felt like that kind of thing was coming.

And the way she sets it up and sort of, you know, sets the scene for that is really is cool a perspective from that era.

Have you seen that documentary about this guy who owned this health food store on Sunset? And then he created his own call, the most fantastic ending of all time. This guy takes his cult all over the place. They end up in Hawaii out of nowhere. He wakes everyone up and says he realizes that he's been wrong. And then the next day he realizes, no, he was right. And then he's going to prove it by not parasailing when gliding or what do you call it, paragliding.

Now, that's the safe one with the parachute where you have a wing.

Harris Oh, like a squirrel suit. A squirrel suit. Isn't that a that is hang gliding. Hang gliding. So he goes, I'm going I'm going to demonstrate that I'm touched by the Lord and I'm going to hang glider off the side of this mountain in front of all you. And I've never, ever tried it. And then they just all gather and he just jumps up and fucking dies.

Oh, my God, it's incredible. It's real. But yes, that's the kind of stuff he delivers. That was the context in which Helter Skelter comes to fruition because people were like they were testing the boundaries of all things here in L.A. in the 70s.

Yeah. Wow. That's a great I guess God doesn't exist, right? Well, he proved it.

That was my take away. I know you're Catholic. I don't know if all those people were like, wow, I guess we have been led astray.

I hope I hope there was one comedian there that really took the piss out of the whole thing after he landed, right?

Yeah. It was immediately like. I think I think that went well. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

No yelling after we still believe in this doesn't change a thing for me really. I really loved about that quote is you maybe also can relate is you have all these things swirling in your head and sometimes it's really hard to get them out in a way that makes any kind of sense. And you go back and forth and you see all sides of something. And then when you actually sit down to write it, you feel like you're actually putting your thoughts on record in a way that's more structured or more that's a little deeper and you feel like I can stand by it.

There's obviously a balance because you want to keep it conversational and you want to keep it. To me, it was always trying to get back to what's the tightest version or the funniest version of telling the story so that just on an entertainment level for people reading it, because I, I think of that when I'm reading always like, how do you get to it? Like the fastest you can. But I think you stumble onto how you really feel about something when you have a little distance from and you go back and you reflect and you write about it.

Yeah. I just related so much of the time that stuck out the most is my father died and about three months after the event and I was there for the whole shebang and I still was having no emotional connection to the event.

And it was very confusing to me to the point where I was I remembered like, oh, I know the solution of this. I have to write this experience out. And I did. And then I was reading it to my wife. And then all of a sudden all these emotions I had no attachment to were just all right there. Like, it finally made sense to me in some way that opened me up emotionally to it. And I've had many experiences like that through writing that are.

Yeah, amazing. Yeah.

It's it's a way for you to organize both your thoughts and your emotions about it. Yeah. And kind of how to face your emotions when you're in situations like that.

So then I'm wondering too if we have any similarity in your line saying I have always been writing a book in my head or I always known I wanted to write a book and I to have had that since like twelve years old.

And I know a lot of it is just straight narcissism that I thought it was important enough that someone should read my thoughts. So that's probably no one. But sure.

But number two is this love affair I had with books, as have you. And I think what I loved about it is I'm going to school and I have friends, but I'm also feeling like no one's having the experience I'm having. And then I would find these books that felt safe and that, oh, wow. Yeah, another person's contemplating this stuff or they're questioning the rules of life in society. Gave me companionship for thoughts I thought no one else had.

Yeah.

You know, and as you're as you're saying. I'm realizing the other element of it, it's not in the book, is I've always kind of felt in a almost famous way, you know, like the movie where I've always felt slightly removed from a lot of the situations that I've been in and that I've been going through. I've always a little bit felt outside of what's happening, not fully in it. And that's why I think I've been able to write about some of those episodes with clarity, because I felt that that sense of being removed, of not really belonging, but having enough of an outsider's view of it to be able to write about it.

I'm talking too much about myself. Right? Is that when you looked at me OK, OK, guys, things are great. You know what it is? You know what's happening. You want to know what's happening interpersonally is I think you're a great writer and I want you to respect me.

And I will tell that that is what that's what's happening. Yeah. Yeah. I really. Yeah.

I think you're a really great writer and I want you to think I'm a good writer, or at least I'm interested in writing for the same reasons as you, even if I'm not good like you.

I think that's exactly what's happening.

I can see that I've always respected and always heard tremendous things about you from Seth. Oh, I love him. Of Seth Meyers.

He loves you, too. So it was he was always very high on you. Always. And so your reputation precedes.

Oh, wonderful. He's another person. I desperately wanted to think I was smart, of course. And he chooses though that never goes away. I think, you know, you're like, oh God, I hope.

OK, so when you thought your life would ultimately lead up to you writing this book at that time, of course, I didn't know that you would end up being the head writer on SNL or right there for 15 years or be the host of Weekend Update for six years.

What was the reason you thought, you know, you should write a book? I don't know how else to ask it.

Honestly, the only reason I thought I would write it, especially right now, is I thought the stories would be funny. That's the only thing I really want people to take. I wasn't trying to write a particularly inspiring book or really educate people. I hope that people read it. And there's certain things that they learn about SNL.

They learn about comedy. They learn about standup. Like I do think if you're a comedy nerd, you'll learn things. Yeah, but the real reason I wanted to write it was there were enough chapters where I thought, oh, I think this story is funny. And I think people would laugh at it and would be entertained really, that they would read it and be like, oh, I'm glad I heard that story. Yes, there were enough of them that I thought, oh, I could do this book.

And that was like the backbone of it. Like, you know, I think people would think that the backbone of the book is behind the scenes at SNL or whatever. My origin story is that I'm getting to it. But in my mind, the backbone is like the really weird stories, like getting seriously injured at a virtual reality incident at Google or having Jimmy Buffett save my life while we're surfing those.

To me, those are actually the backbone of the book because I'm like, that's the kind of thing I want people to read.

How did you get injured at Google? And what an ironic place to get injured.

It's a long story that will elicit too much anger from me to tell.

I do think if you if people listen to the audio book and you listen to that chapter, you will hear violent rage in my voice.

To this day when I retell that you will you will sense how angry I still am.

This, like, immediately conjures up that anger. That's right.

How negligent the people working there were, how how truly dumb they were and the fact that it's at Google.

I have a quote at the beginning of the chapter that says, like, you should have sued, which is every friend and I quote every friend I tell a story to even now friends of mine who read the story for the first time after they read it.

You should sue.

I genuinely. Why are you not suing?

And it's it's really it's a really great corporate negligence moment. Is it just the perfect intersection of their, like, overconfidence and their genius?

Yes. I'm not going to give them the credit of the genius part of it. I'm just going to say overconfidence.

Like I maybe they were so smart that it went full circle and they came back around to following it, you know?

Yeah, but they really. Oh, man, it was it was a really.

And of course, any friend I told it to had zero sympathy for me.

You know, I went to the emergency room and had stitches in an MRI, bits of chunk of my bone floating around in under my skin. My friends could not stop laughing. I think they were like, I couldn't even finish the story. They were crying, laughing at me. Yeah.

Oh, that's lovely. Now, I know you told that in turn, but I remember our audience is almost the opposite Venn diagram.

Yeah, it's mostly, yes, but I have weeded out the weaker ones.

I tell so many poop stories that you couldn't have made it to this a. So if you were allergic to them, I'm going to hit you with one as an act of good faith, OK, please. OK, so I move into a new house 15 years ago. It has an extra fridge in the garage. That to me is what rich people had. I was so thrilled to have an extra fridge. I went to Costco, I bought a pallet of drinks, drinks that I had never had.

I buy all these drinks I don't normally ever consume. And I discover I love Pelligrino and I'm drinking like the big leader one every night. And it's like my cocktail hour. I'm into it, right? I'm at Home Depot and building a fence in my backyard. I bend over to pick up all this lumber and I think I can fast and then I just fill myself. I just fill up. And I am so far away from the bathroom.

It's the opposite end of Home Depot and I'm aware of that. There's cameras and I'm also aware of that. I'm on TV, so I'm trying to walk to the bathroom and there's just so much and I'm like pinching my bottom of my legs and dropping off the legs. Tourniquet hitting, tourniquet hitting the leg. Kidding. We say in this business that you're in your pants business.

Yeah. And I make it to the bathroom and like you, I just I have to ditch the underwear and then this doesn't occur to me to later. But conveniently, there is a full size trash can in each stall of the Home Depot.

I later realize, oh, this is happening around the clock at Home Depot, obviously. Why else would there be full size trash cans? Right. It's a really humiliating one. It's so humiliating that when I get home, I go, you're so arrogant, you have IBS and you're just ignoring it. So I go online and I learn about an Ibbs diet. I start this Ibbs diet. I'm a week into it. I have a friend come over and visit my new house, go out to the second fridge.

Hey, would you like a Pellegrino? He goes, Oh man, I can't drink those.

I shit my pants when I drink Pelligrino and I go, oh my God, that's what's been happening for the last three months. And then I stop drinking Pelligrino and by God it all cleared up. But I had self diagnosed myself with IBS and I was just kind of wondering, before you tell one of your glorious ones, is it ever occurred to you that maybe you had IBS or if you tried, like a diet or anything? Well, let's get to that.

But we just did break to thank our sponsors, Pelligrino, Pelligrino, some people down at Home Depot. Thanks. Please don't use the display toilet at Home Depot.

Thank you for using the real bathroom, putting full sized trash cans in public bathrooms since nineteen ninety six. Oh, man.

Home Depot. That is a long that is a long walk luckily.

Luckily, high ceilings, high ceilings though for the smell it's good to know is in the wood aisle.

Thank God.

OK, your turn. Yes, your turn. So you're golfing. Well I'm going to just I'm going to go rogue.

I'm OK because I just remembered another story that's unrelated. Would you like to hear that? Yes. A novel. A novel. Proprietory story. Oh, my God.

I was on a double date.

I like where this is starting a double date with a new girlfriend and another couple. We went to see a movie. I can tell you that this will really date me because the film was Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang.

Oh, great movie. Great movie. I really like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was it was hard for me to focus on so many other couple. We all walk in the theater. I'm like, oh I just have to help me guys in the theater.

The other three go into the theater, I go in to use the urinal and then while I'm there, something sneaks out the back. Well, I'm sort of taking care of business in the front.

And then I'm like, oh, my God.

So then I go into the stall, lock the stall. I'm like, I just got to get this cleaned up and then get back in there. And I sit at what is, I guess, miraculously a malfunctioning toilet that essentially goes like one of those automatic ones that start shooting water up.

And it was like it was like violently off, like not working well. So as I'm attempting to like sort of clean up, this thing is exploding upwards every couple seconds.

Every time I lean forward, it explodes upward.

And it's so what I thought I could get a kind of get away with it instead. It's like just spreading it, spraying everywhere. And I'm in the movie hasn't started. I'm in in there for like twenty minutes.

Oh my date is with another couple probably having to make excuses like oh he probably went to get us some stuff at the snack bar, you know, whatever.

And then I eventually get out of there, go into the theater, sit down and I have it's winter. So I take my coat off and I sit next to put my coat over me cause I'm feeling a little cold.

And then I say, I'm actually super cold.

Can I borrow your coat? No, I borrow her coat, put her coat over my coat, and then we watch the entirety of.

Kiss, kiss, bang, bang in that state afterwards, I excuse myself and say I'm really not feeling well, I think I should sprint away from this movie theater and I do that.

And and that was really kind of the end of the courtship. Oh, yeah.

When you're on minute 19 and there you go, you must be evaluating, like, best case scenario. They think I've just taken a long dump.

I mean, that's as good as it's going to get.

Best case scenario. Best that when when when that's what you're praying for.

And that is also it was it was basically like the scene in the old I Love Lucy episodes where all the chocolates are coming and they can't they're trying to keep it on the conveyor belt.

It was that level.

It was that level of physical comedy with this toilet going off like it was truly you couldn't you wouldn't believe it as a bit on television.

It was. So it was a sad thing. You were involved in that piece? That's what I have discovered.

And I guess that's why I wrote the book. I've been involved in like 20 great set pieces in my life that would all go great in a movie.

Oh, and I want I want people to know just the set piece with none of the none of the art.

None of the heart of the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No redemption. Just just no heart.

Just the just the set pieces. Oh my gosh.

I have a quick question because you started by saying that you don't like talking about yourself. Why is that. Are you just private? Yeah, I think it's probably you know, I talk about a little, but I'm sure it's a little bit an Irish Catholic.

I'm Irish Catholic and German and those are both pretty repressed, emotionally repressed, except for shit.

You know, Germans love to talk about which they do. Yeah, they do.

That is a real there's a scatological bench culture. Yes. Yeah. And I love it. I love it. And so I think that's where I don't know, I just I like it's easier now. It's actually been fun doing this when the book comes out because I can talk about the book and it's fun. And I always like talking about what I've worked on that has a story to it. It's just weird when it's you're talking about yourself in a vacuum.

That's the part that feels weird. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not promoting a book and look how much I talk about myself. I didn't and I feel great. I've never felt better.

Well, there's also there's a there's perhaps a reason I have lots of anxiety inside. I'm not doing same thing, you know.

Were you at the Chapell, his award. The Mark Twain Award? Yes. Yes. If you were with Michael Chéri. Right. And you made this amazing joke and I and I want you to remind me of it.

Yeah. It was really first of all, that whole weekend was so cool, like being there. It was such a fun. And it got to be the most fun Mark Twain awards ceremony. I mean, the whole thing started with Morgan Freeman singing a Prince song with a giant marching band.

I mean, that's pretty awesome.

So, yeah. So we went down there and we didn't know that we were even going to be presenting or saying anything. Like we were just going to be supportive. And because we love Dave and we wanted to be there and we were happy to be invited, you know, and and then when we got there, they were like, you know, it might be good if you guys did something kind of just, you know, you could just speak from the heart and soul.

So I you know, and then we're like, oh, even more nervous. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not really it's not really what we do. And then so that that day, like, you know, probably an hour or two before me and Jay and and we're kind of texting like, what are you going to say or what are you going to say. And and Kenan went first and was really thoughtful and really and learned so much from Chappelle and looked up to him for so long. And it was really sweet. And on behalf of SNL, too.

And Jay went second and also really, really super funny. And, you know, he knows him well, but also sweet like and it really sincerely about how much people meant to him through the years. And then I went to me and I was like, and I'm here to talk about Mark Twain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. It's like was like White Guy bring you back to all my friends.

All the comedians afterwards came up to me because they know everything, like they know the inner workings, all these things and they didn't know what was happening and they all kept telling me how scared they were for me as it led up to me, they were like, holy shit, what is Colin going to say after this?

It's going to be awful.

But yeah, my thoughts in order were wisely on that stage. This is a mistake, correct? Totally correct. Yeah. And then even more importantly, now that he's there, why is he ending it? He is on the top to each guy would have topped it, but he's now got to top those two things. He can't. But you did. But you did.

I started reading a passage from our team and I was like some of the language. I really can't. You get it, guys?

And how is I kept saying how like how Mark Twain. Comedy like that's funny, you know, I try to remind everyone that, but as it builds, I know what's coming and as it builds, as kids talking and it's chase talking and they are doing a masterful job. Yeah, it's a real all or nothing ball. It's either that moment hits or it is brutal. Yeah. And it really was I was so relieved and so happy that it that it work.

Is that the best laugh you've ever gotten have of your career?

I would say it's probably the biggest laugh I've gotten in my life and most rewarding. Like to look up and see Chappelle laughing. Oh, my God.

I felt so relieved. Yeah. And on top of just just being there, it was like a crazy treat. Yeah. And then that that work and, you know, it's in front of all your idols who were there and it's all in front of Jon Stewart and you're there and also all your peers like you're there with Michel Wolf watching and your friends. They're watching you. So don't want to blow it.

And also you want to make them laugh. Yeah. And the fact that they afterwards were like that was that was awesome. I mean, that really was like a great, great moment in my life.

Yeah, yeah. Making heroes laugh is a tasty, rare, wonderful feeling.

Yeah. And also, I so rarely ever feel bad, you know, like I, I really am.

First of all, I really enjoy doing comedy around the like all these comedians that I because I'm really usually in our studio audience at SNL. So to have the chance and to not totally blow it was cool.

Now the other thing I thought about when I was thinking about you being there for 15 years and having gotten five hundred sketches on the air again, I'm going to relate myself to you even though I have no business doing it. But when I was in the Groundlings, my entire life was mining for sketches and it was, you know, insufferable for my girlfriend at the time. If we're at a restaurant and a guy just puts his pen away in an interesting way, I'm like, oh my God, I think I could build.

And then what's he do? Does he does he put the silverware? You know, like, I just you need to fill that fucking furnace. Is that your life? Are you on Skåne? Have you figured out how to turn that off? Like, what's that part of your life?

I know I never really turn it off. I mean, I still definitely write down, if not every day than most days, an idea for a sketch. Every day there's something that goes into a file for standup or that goes into a file for sketches or goes into a file for a movie I'm working on, you know, that's constant. But the SNL part of it, you know, we're always like among the cast and the writers, like we're texting each other ideas for sketches in the summer that you just because it's exciting to think about.

And a lot of the sketches will eventually each at the table read and not work. But you're always kind of doing it.

And by the way, I think most people who work at our show for a while are also still thinking about sketches years after they're on the show. I mean, people still from the 70s and 80s like Dan Aykroyd will sometimes just send Lorne a sketch idea. What about this? I thought about this and it's funny and you're like, wow, he's still in that mindset and still sees things sometimes through that lens or knows when something could be could be right for the show.

And he's someone that was obviously wrote a ton of stuff for the show. In addition to being in the cast, he was like kind of the one of the best of doing both of those things. So he you know, the fact that he still has that in his brain makes me think it'll probably never be out of my brain. I'm sure I'll be doing the same thing. And Lauren will be probably rolling his eyes at my ideas in a way.

Yeah. That he still treasures down. Okay.

There are so many writers at our show who were great performers, who weren't performing on our show and then went on and were like the people that went through. Like I talked about some of them in the book, like JB Smoove, Jillian Bell, Tim Robinson, Mike O'Brien, like there's a whole wave of these writers who were also Tim Robinson was a writer.

Yeah. Yeah. And wrote, you know, some of the funniest sketches and then and then a lot of what his show was, you know, oh, I think you should leave the funniest show I've seen and to so funny.

And it's like it's like a perfect sketch out. You know, there's some of those sketches that he wanted to do even on our show. Some of them are really fun in a whole other level because you're like, oh yeah, I remember that. Oh yeah. How was that not on our show. It's so funny.

Yeah, he's amazing. I want to ask you a couple of juicy questions.

I am not going to ask you to tell me who, but I am going to ask you, what's some of the worst behavior you've seen from a guest host?

I guess the worst behavior is disappearing, you know, for for a couple of days is pretty bad behavior, I would say, OK, considering it's only a week, that's pretty bad behavior.

Yeah, 40 percent of the work. Yeah.

Missing things that are missing as things is the hardest because all of these people are putting all this work in on designing a set. They're getting costumes together. And if you're not there, that's that's pretty crazy behavior, too. I mean, that almost never happens.

Yeah, I would say that's bad, bad behavior. I mean, there's drinking. I never even know. I'm also bad at identifying certain things, like someone might be like, oh, they're on pills. Yeah. Oh, I would never have guessed. But some people know that you can identify it better than other people. And I so I, I'm not the best at that.

But seeing some version of inebriated or out of it to the point where it's detrimental, can I guess who told you who was on pills.

Jeff please.

Poller maybe at the time.

I don't know that that doesn't mean that wasn't I wasn't specifically thinking of her, but are a nice big preoccupation in life is texting each other who we just realize is on pills.

That's really funny. It's such a specific. The term pills is so like seems so broad yet so specific.

Oh we she and I know exactly what we're talking about. The voice is altered. One of the eyelids is blinking off. Syncopation from the other one poller is a uniquely also can really get to the heart of what's going on.

And to distill it down to this is what this is. Yes. You know, in a way, in a way almost no one else can.

She and I have this like blue collar chip on her shoulder where we're like, we we got you. May we see your fucking angle? It's all about who their hair is, their angle. I got it. And let me warn you about it.

Oh, it's great. Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

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You have to have discovered in 15 years a beautiful system for letting people know that their idea is not that great. Have you gotten good at supportively weeding out bad ideas?

I've worked at getting better, at just being straightforward about it as much as possible. OK, like I had to work at that because there were definitely years where I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. Yeah, I didn't want you know, it's hard because there is a balance of some of it is you genuinely don't always know or you don't see it yet or something. You know what I mean? There is that part of our show, actually part of being in a managerial or head writing or producing position at our show is having the self-awareness and the humility to recognize that you don't always know what's going to be funny, what's going to work for an audience, what's going to be the hit of the show.

None of us actually know that. And you have to always remember that. And that's also why you have to take chances on things that you don't completely see or don't totally understand, or they're outside of what you would write or how you would frame something. And part of being there a while is letting go of the feeling of feeling like you need to control everything or you need to understand everything. Some things are just, yeah, you know, their own sort of their own gems that people discover.

And so that's that's a big part of it. So you don't always know. But but there's times where you think I I really as much as I can. No, I don't think this is going anywhere. Yeah. And I've gotten better at telling people this just might not be the best use of your time.

Right. Because you're not doing them a favor. Yeah. If you really see this and you really believe in this and you think this is the thing you most believe in for the week, you go for it because I'm not going to say absolutely not and pretend I but consider that it might not. It's an uphill battle for these reasons. And I'll try to be honest about here's the problem. I anticipate with the host part in this.

Here's a problem I anticipate with the structure of the piece or how many sets it has or, you know, why why is this four page sketch of eight that seems like things like that that can actually be problems, things like that, that I just try to get ahead, troubleshoot some of the issues at least, or say like talk to some other people, see what they think.

If I'm discouraging you, don't let me be the only one. Talk to some other people and see what they think, too. Maybe I'm crazy.

Yeah, well, I would imagine, too, like it's performer's specific in cases, right. Because I remember watching sketches that, like Tracy Morgan was in where I was like, well, I wouldn't know how to write that and I wouldn't even know how to give notes on it.

It's like, you know, once you bounce out of that green space, show me that fat ass, like that's all that needed to happen.

It didn't need you might be in trouble if you did write it for him.

Why would you write that? Because he can say it. And I can I want to hear it said.

Yeah, well, the other thing that I'm I'm really happy with what you do is race in that among my black friends and I, we never tire of exploring all these little differences, these cultural differences.

I find it always interesting and I feel like you and Michael Shea have figured out just the most brilliant way to still fuck with that world and do it like flawlessly where where no one's getting punched down upon. No. You know, there's some brilliance to the way you guys do that. I think it's a delicate thing because part of it is like tonnage. You don't want to be overdoing anything. You want to have awareness about what's going on. You want to not make it all about that.

You want those moments to be special in a different way. And I think a lot of sketches that have been on the show that were some of the best of the last year to deal with those issues, like deal like talk about them, you know, get at them. And I think a really honest way and in a way that allows performers to get into it in an honest way, too. And I think those are some of the most successful sketches of the last couple of years.

Well, it's surgery. You must feel really proud when they work because it is so precise. Yeah, well, yeah.

When they click like when the first premise of a sketch like that clicks. Yeah. And you're a little bit relieved like, oh, the audience is going to go with us on this, you know, they write each other's jokes.

It's like a bit they do.

He and Michael Che write each other's jokes and Michael is always just trying to fucking get him cancelled. And it's.

Yeah, it's just you've come up. With a mouse trap by which it's it's perfect, like it's just it's brilliant, it's actually giving Michael the power, which I like and it's artful. I like it.

The crazy thing, too, is at dress rehearsal, there are different jokes.

So a dress rehearsal, they're often not not related to race. Oh, God. And then suddenly at air, they are miraculously.

And then my last thing I just want to say is for me personally, most of my big growth in life is when I've I've identified another like minded person and I create this dual identity with that person and I feel safety in that. And it's it's allowed me to be at my most confident points when I've felt like two of us are shouldering something. And I wonder if that's what you and Michael have. I love that he came to your defense when that stupid fucking article was written about you.

I just feel like there must be something really special there.

I was like, truly I was like, which one?

No, it's I mean, I really feel less anxiety when I'm with Michael about the job, about any job, like anything, anything we do together feels easier and more fun. And I'm less yeah. I'm just less worried about what it's going to be and I'm more on board to try whatever we're going to do. And that's a very powerful feeling.

Isn't there almost a fail safe where even if this thing crashes and burns, you two will walk off stage and you will laugh with each other so hard about what a fucking turd it was that it's almost as rewarding, as crushing.

Absolutely. And that's why you pair up with people at work when you write. And that's why a certain cast members and writers work together.

You have this thing together where you do you want someone else there to remember these moments and laugh about these guys with because, you know, there's definitely at least 50 percent of them that are are tough.

Yeah. Or not what you expected in some way. And again, it goes back to why I thought about this path in general in life. And I never thought of it as a solo journey. I never thought about it as I'm going to go do this thing. I always thought about it in the context of I want to be surrounded by the people I think are the funniest and work with the people I think are funny because that's such a happier existence.

Yeah. Than trying to do it alone.

I have eaten shit as a doing standup and there's no one to go commiserate with it. Just straight terrible.

No other comedians will happily make fun of you. Yes.

But mostly to your face and then even more viciously not your face. But otherwise. Yeah you're alone. All right.

Well obviously I need to mention you're engaged, Scarlett. I've met her a few times. And I mean, if I hadn't found the best woman in the world, I probably would have dedicated my life to trying to become engaged to her as well. I mean, you really got yourself an amazing gal. That was your career goal.

Oh, by far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

I feel I feel very lucky. It's nice.

I mean, it's it's again, going back to talking about yourself, it's also a thing that's weird to talk about, but it's well it's even compounded I feel like oh my God, am I like my cashing in on her success by, you know, like there's almost like an ethical fear of mine. Like I don't want to be drafting on her popularity.

Yeah, but you did enough before that. You you know you know who you are. I hope you know who you are and what you've done.

Well, none of my fears and insecurities are all that firmly rooted in reality, as I suspect most people aren't. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. Yeah. You never you never go to your therapist and they're like, yeah, wow, that makes sense.

You should be really just. Yeah. You should maybe even be a little more worried.

The fact that the title of your book is a very punchable face, I can just objectively say that you do not have a punchable face, but I definitely believe you believe you have a punchable face. I would never argue your own delusion with you. Yeah, I think that's an accurate assessment. Right. Yeah. Well, Colin, you're awesome and we appreciate your time and we wish you a ton of luck. Everyone should definitely go buy a very punchable face.

Or if you don't like reading, do the audio book and you read it. So that's always a wonderful outcome.

At least everyone will know I can read and I guess someone could be whispering the words to my ear.

Well, many people can write it.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. That's right. So check that audio books. Fine. I've never listen to it again because again, why would I listen to myself talk for whatever that is number of hours.

But I think it's going to be not to bring it back a third time, but maybe on shrooms you could really have like some kind of. Oh yeah, I like real ego shattering like.

So sponsors are Pelligrino, Home Depot and Mush and mushrooms.

Yeah. Yeah. Whatever that castle was so but oh yeah. Yeah.

Whatever that Castle Magic or Crystal Castle. Listen, Mystery Castle, it's called the. Mystery has mystery castle.

So listen, everybody, go, go, do go do at least two grams of mushrooms, stop at home that will grab Adreno and plop yourself down on some lawn furniture. Anybody? Home Depot. And listen to a very punchable face by Colin.

Thank you, guys.

Thanks. Thank you. Take care. Bye. Appreciate it.

And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soul mate, Monica Padman. You know what I really don't like about my email?

Tell me more really quick. Can I answer that? Yeah. Everything to my knowledge. Yeah. Yeah. OK, go ahead. Well, specifically though.

Well, wait, wait. What do you mean. I know that your email is a huge source of anxiety in your life. Rightly so. You get a trillion emails. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not choosing anything. Sounds like oh man a really touchy because you just had a joke that didn't go so well.

It went great. You just weren't paying attention. And you're the only one here.

Oh listen, I was in a time of need and it was no time for jokes. I wish you would take a sip of that medicine, you know.

Oh, believe me, just because I'm guilty of it doesn't mean that you weren't also guilty of it. I was trying to spell the word right. I'm disabled, OK?

Oh, I spelled it for you. And then.

Oh, dude, you didn't. I said W.R it and then you said E and I said just e you said just the and you were expecting a big reaction.

But I was typing E at the time and I missed your joke and then you are immediately mad at me and now you're still kind of you're still what do you accuse me of being upset about my email when I have every reason to be upset about.

No, I didn't accuse you. I observed that you hate your e-mail as you should.

You get a trial. I get too many.

You think it's me subtly implying you're ungrateful? I know that's what it is. That's the thing that it mattered. Yes.

And that felt like you were saying I lie about that. Like I complain all the time about it or not at all.

No, no. I know how you feel about your email. I no you super well. Right. But you fucking hate it. It's like, how do I feel about PT Cruisers?

You hate them, I hate them, I'm not always complaining about it, but really the same is identical. I'm not always complaining about PT Cruisers, but you know how I feel about PT Cruisers, OK?

That's true. All this is true. OK, OK. But that really what you want. Tell me I'm going to delete all this.

No, you don't. You dare. I have to. Why? Because no one cares. Everyone cares.

They love when we bicker and then sort it out and I think we just sorted it out well and I'm not even going to tell you what I was going to say.

And now you're punishing me. I have done nothing wrong and now I'm getting punished.

No, no, no, you're not. Well, no, only because I really was telling you just on a side, I was off the record that and then now we've turned it into a really big conversation, but we're running out of water and we're not.

I was going to cut it because the listeners don't care that. What I don't like about the email is that Marcel's emails are now getting transitioned into my social folder, not my primary folder.

Oh, that's very weird. I then I think I've done all my email. Oh, God. And I the most important. That's right. I only done 30 percent. Oh God. Yeah.

That's that's uniquely frustrating. Yeah. Thanks for understanding. I do.

And I think you should hate your email. I've looked at your inbox and I wanted to immediately put a gun in my mouth.

Do you want me to tell you what the number says on my phone?

Oh my God, this is for people like me. Stop listening for one second because this is overwhelming.

I've had a lot of people really get taken aback when they see my phone because the number. What do you think the number is? Thirteen hundred nine thousand four hundred.

Oh, my. Thousand four hundred. I don't think I've got nine thousand emails in the last seven years.

What do you have to buy from Google like that terabyte of one time.

I did run out of emails of course. Yeah. Has, hasn't happened in a while.

But anyway you have to buy several terabytes probably. I would say like a percentage of the Google server is dedicated to your, you know, like one percent or something.

You're getting nothing but sympathy for me because I don't get a third of the emails you get.

And I hate opening my email. Yeah, it's just all to dos. Yeah.

There's never an email from a friend saying you want to go on a picnic. There's there's no going to send you one. OK, please. You think life was much happier without email.

I will say I really, really think that's true.

Well right. Well the proposition was good. It was like, you know, this way you can deal with everything you need to deal with on your time frame. What's that part? Rules. It's not like if you missed the call, you're fucked. Right? And you don't have to constantly be calling someone, getting them on their two minutes. So that part was the promise and it did deliver. But what it really did is just upped the amount of interactions by a hundred fold.

Yes.

On an average day before all this, I would talk to three people on the phone. Yeah, yeah. You know, two of those were friends. Oh, no. Those days are gone.

Far gone. Usually you and I get out of here and then this is what I'm I met with. Do I go home and sit in front of the children and go through all these stupid fucking emails and then partially ignore them? And that's frustrating for them?

Or do I stay behind and sit in my car and do them all and then delay me getting home by an hour at least?

Yes. This is a hard yeah. Wendy Mogel, what should I do?

Should I stay in my car and do all my emails and then come in and be fully available or should I half ass.

It would probably be the best is that I come home and then I just spent an hour with them, I just came up with this. I think when I go home I'm going to spend like a half hour an hour.

Seems like a little too big of it. I think it's a little bit of a pie in the sky pipe dream. OK, it's realistic.

Yeah, I just, I just recorrect I don't think people should set goals for themselves that are unobtainable and I think that might be up to me.

So I'm going to say thirty minutes long. I hit the stopwatch right when I walk in the door.

Hey girls, what's up. What are you doing. What do you do today. Oh gee if I can I did this. You don't care. So let's rassle and then pull the plug.

Email's OK.

So we haven't really figured out my problem. No, but we saw my. I feel better. OK, great.

So now I know the answer to your problem and you're not going to like it because you're not a good delegator. You should probably have an assistant.

She doesn't know. The problem is there we go. But there's what everyone says. They go, oh, someone couldn't do the thing. I need to do it. No, no. That's the sign of a bad delegate.

Listen, I could use an assistant.

I can only use her for personal need use sexist motherfucker. Why don't you hire a white male?

Yeah, I had help come up. Not because they need help. They don't need help because maybe we could have a love affair. Oh, that's cool too.

But just the notion that you would be outranking him would be good for all white males.

I do like that. Yeah. So why don't you get one? Really, boss, this this honkey around, I'm not outranking you, but I do boss you around already. Oh, big time. And isn't it pleasurable? Don't you love bossing this white male around? Yeah, but I don't like men getting that out.

OK, that's satiated. Yeah. But I don't I can't have a professional assistant because literally so much of my job is discerning what to say yes and no to. I can't have somebody else do that. So I'm locked into my professional duties but I could use some relief personally. You should do it.

I just this morning was wrestling with this whole thing. OK, so we have help. We have we have helped my sister.

My sister manages really everything domestic for me.

Right.

And she's awesome, but she's one person. Yeah. So what she does do, which is so nice, we don't have our housekeeper because of Corona who normally does my laundry once a week. So there's no one around to do my laundry. I mean, obviously I could do my laundry but I can't because I'm busy anyways. I just won't do it. That's let's say it that right. Maybe I could make a piece of shit and I'm lazy.

But the point is, is my sister does do the laundry and God bless her. I'm so grateful. But she doesn't put it away.

So all my laundry ends up sitting in this enormous Tower of Babel in the laundry room and it's always looking like it's going to fall over.

And I, I am not finding the time to put that shit away. Yeah, that's just what's happening as week after week. Basically what's happening is I go out of town every week for Top Gear and that that's when I will get myself to go get all those clothes from that thing.

Anyways, this morning I was like, I got to I got to solve this. I have money to solve this problem, but I'm not going to ask my sister to do it. So what I'm going to ask this is literally what I was thinking about this morning. I'm going to ask my sister to hire someone that comes and puts my clothes away.

No. Yeah, because I too extreme listen. But I need someone to put my clothes away and I don't want my sister to because she's got her hands full. So now I'm like, we need another person. And then I was just thinking, this is just rolling downhill.

It's like this is so lofty, but don't you think I'm owning it? Yeah, but I'm just scared of this.

Yeah, I'm scared of it too. But it is the truth. I have a solution. Hold on a second. OK, I do believe in honesty.

I am a full time lead of Top Gear and I travel every week and we do at least two shows a week. And I have the real life house stuff that nobody can do but me, the mechanical stuff, the things I'm doing at the pool and the gate and the this and the that. I'm not finding or let's put it this way, I could cut into my time with my kids and put my shit away, or I could hire someone who wants some money to put my shit away.

I know. I'm just saying we talk about this. It's like it's gross. It is. Because I know what you're saying is all true and you're busy. But there's also, you know, single moms with three jobs are busier than us their way, the way their kids clothes and their clothes and cook. And, you know, we're not on the scale of nearly like too busy to handle everything. But I mean, we are we are in some ways, I it's not getting done.

Your shit is not getting done. Your house is a fucking disaster fucking night. Yeah, it's disgusting. So you just have to be realistic about it. So, yes, people are working way harder than me.

They have less time than me.

They're also very unhappy as a result. I agree. And I am in a position to not make myself miserable, to do some things. So I also think it'd be insane for me to eat in a time with my kids when I could hire someone to do something.

I know we just can't hire someone just to put away or no, that's why I brought it up.

It's preposterous. That's but I'm saying that's where my mind was at this morning, was like, this needs to get done. I'm not doing it. I'm not going to ask Carly to do it. So what's the solution?

I have one. What is it? I have a really, really good one. What is it cause for your children? Make them put those clothes away and they can earn a dollar or whatever a really good idea.

They're old enough.

Do you think I can trust them to put the shit in the right spot? Yes. Teach them. You take them one day and you take the whole. Can I hire someone to teach them how to put. No, but this is how some people delegate. They make their children.

You're right. I'm going to do that. That's a great idea. Thank you.

It's going to fuck everything up and I'm going to go to pack in. The shit will not be where it's supposed to be and maybe a couple of weeks and then it'll be a learning curve.

It's a great idea.

Maybe I should make your kids go through my email. Yeah, let's do it. I'll just teach them how to use the delete button and then the problem will be solved.

Oh, now. OK, so Colin.

Yes, Colin. Oh, man. Was he he was funny. He was really fun. What a smile. Yeah.

Not in any way, shape or form. A punchable face. No.

Well, I guess if you're I mean, I understand his narrative.

I'm not challenging his narrative. Does he mean because these people are jealous, he has a whole narrative that he's basically looks like a white guy that would go golfing all the time?

I don't want to punch up. He looks entitled, but I don't that's not how I feel at all. As soon as I opened up the computer and looked at his face, I was like, no, this guy has a beautiful smile. I can tell these present. He's kind, he's thoughtful. He's mindful.

Yeah, there's nothing punchable about it. I agree. I don't want to punch it.

But, you know, he's dating Scarlet. They're at least engaged.

I think they're engaged and they might be married. Maybe they're married. But, you know, Scarlet, she's put on a pedestal in male brains.

I think she's the closest in my lifetime there was to a Marilyn Monroe. Obviously, she's way more talented, like she's. Oh, she's so talented. Awesome actress. Yes.

But she's the closest thing that I've ever seen in my lifetime that seemed to unify the most amount of males or the most amount of my friends were like, this is consensus.

We are in love with her. Yeah. And I think it must be so interesting. We didn't talk about this much with him really at all. She's a person now.

She's ultimately a person and he knows that and he knows that more than anyone in here. He's presented as this guy who got the girl that everyone was. By the way, there's nothing I could relate more to.

I wonder if he's at all like me, where I'm like, I don't think anyone no one should feel like they hit the lottery. That's not a good dynamic in a relationship. Like totally get in all these interviews and people will be like, don't you just worship your wife? And I'm like, no, what a fucking terrible marriage would be if I was a family of my wife.

I totally agree. I see your take a shit every morning. I'm not a fan. I respect her. Yeah, that's what I feel about her. Yeah.

But also when he was talking and stuff and we were kind of going through his life, I was like, yeah, they're also so equal.

Like he's totally, incredibly attractive, a genius, so smart.

He's the head writer on SNL. He's so funny. Like there's no disparaging. Yeah. Like they found equals for sure.

Yeah. Now look good for guys.

They find himself in this position because it is ultimately a result of like the patriarchy, which is it's very rare that you see a ten guy getting engaged to a four girl where they've got to ask the girl like, don't you feel lucky that Brad picked you? You're a four because it doesn't happen.

Right. But there are many ten women married to four guys.

Right. But that's not so. But it's not it's not good. It's just that's why it's a well-worn trope of like, can you believe this guy got this girl? Because it's all over. Right.

I'm not making any sense to you. Why am I only vaguely? Mainly because I'm hungry. OK. Oh, let me glance at the progress.

Seven minutes. It's. Oh, great. OK, so you guys talked about Howard Stern.

You both love Howard Stern. Yeah. What boy doesn't. Yeah. And that there was a video version on E or something and. Oh yeah. Really remember. Yeah. So E announced on May thirty first nineteen ninety four that Stern confirmed a deal with the E network to bring his radio show, which was broadcast from R.K. at the time to television. Six robotic cameras were installed in a small studio at six hundred Madison Avenue to film the five hour radio show.

The best part of all this is that my genius will be seen in so many more homes now that it's a dream come true.

My genius. Oh my gosh, he's so funny. Oh, now it's a zero man.

Oh, the four minutes flow. OK, I'll see you later. OK, I'm going to.

OK, we're back from lunch. Wow, we have that, we had it for 30 or 40.

Oh, boy, you and I are not great at staying ahead of our food needs.

Now are Monica Malachi's regular routine is to show up at the attic, generally around 10 a.m., go back to back to recordings and then about three o'clock go. Where are you anything. Exactly.

I guess you could call that intermittent fasting and then we'd be proud of it. OK, I'm proud of it.

Me too. Oh, back to that babe.

Colin now, Ya'acov. OK, so you said Crime and Punishment is seven hundred pages or something and that the gambler is one hundred pages. Five hundred and seventy six. OK, and one ninety one.

OK, so when we add them up I'm cumulatively I was almost correct.

That's true. But you were right. There's quite a difference in length between those.

By the way, that was the effing book. The last four nights in a row. I go into Audible and I'm like, what is the book I'm supposed to get? And then I just stare at it. Crime and Punishment.

No, he recommended a third Dostoyevsky book I've not read. Oh, right.

That he had said was also short, but it was incredible. So I need to first learn how to well, first learn how to say that Koutsky.

Second, learn how to spell Dostoevsky so I can search Dostoyevsky inaudible so I can figure out what book he was.

Hame notes from underground. Yeah. Which I know, I know that title. I don't know why that escape me. OK, you're welcome. Thank you Monica. You're welcome.

That's OK. So we talked a lot about crazy houses. So the Winterthur Museum, Garden and Library he mentions, he said he thought it was the Duponts and yes, was former home of Henry Francis Dupont, a renowned antique collector and a horticulturist.

Bater Minoff. Oh, frequency illusion. Oh, my God. In yesterday's interview, I brought up the Duponts. Remember I said, could you be a Ford or a Dupont and still be a father?

Yeah, you did.

And how often do you bring up the Dupont? My God, I don't even need anyone here. Are you talking about the horticulturist?

No. You know what the Dupont family made now? Well, they own 3M. They they own everything. It's like anything high tech.

But they were originally like a munitions company, the Dupont Family Chemicals.

So paint all kinds of chemicals in the munitions, billions and billions of dollars. That Fox Catcher, that movie great movie is about a Dupont who killed that wrestler.

I didn't finish spoiler alert. Wow. Big spoiler.

Well, but as a news article, can you really be mad at. Yeah, I'll be mad. OK, why didn't they label that on this stage?

They called him a renowned anti collector and horticulturist because he's probably one of the many offspring, like there's been many generations of Duponts that did nothing but go into the garden and stuff. And wow, I don't wanna get sued by the DiFonzo. You guys are all very industrious and everything else. But one of you did kill a wrestler.

Oh, wow. Did you see that whole movie?

It's no, I really did not finish it. Oh, my God. I would I'd watch it right now. I didn't like it. I didn't like.

That's why I stopped it. OK, it made me feel bad.

Yeah. That's what I like about it. It's so bleak. Yeah. But his embarrassing vanity in his lack of skill at anything and his aspirations to be a wrestler, I mean it was all so embarrassing and trying to impress his mother with her horse trophy case.

Like all that stuff is just so dark. I'm so interested. So is a Steve Carell.

Yeah. Steve Carell was playing The Dupont. Oh, he was. But his mother was still alive, who is controlling the fortune. And he had some, I guess, responsibilities to the thing, but he had like tanks at his house and he would use the munitions shit like he he was a dumdum.

I love Steve Carell so much to so Mystery Castle was the other place he was time I couldn't remember the name, but then he did remember it at the end. And he was correct. Mr. Castle.

Except I still believe Colin, maybe my research just isn't thorough because it's just on Wikipedia.

So I think he still might be right.

But you have got that part because someone said that you need to look somewhere other than Wikipedia. And I said she never references Wikipedia. I got enough.

I was always defending your honor. Thank you. But I do look at Wikipedia.

I know. But let's just let's just not. Well, wow. To say your research, I'm allowed to look at it. I know, but they were this person was being critical as if that's the only thing you look at.

OK, well, she can not listen. That's what I should have say. Stop listening. Just don't listen. And instead I said that you'd never use me.

OK, well, anyway, from your research, what I found, OK, I don't want to upset you. I looked no.

And now you're too good. Now you. Have to appease that to defend me. OK, fine, fine, fine, fine. Just from what I found. Yeah.

On Wikipedia, it says after learning he had tuberculosis, his name is Boice Luther Gully. Oh, boy. He moved from Seattle to the Phoenix area and began building the house.

Well, this is the other guy, not the Dupont. No.

OK, OK. Mr. Castle. Oh, Mr. Castle from founder. An inexpensive materials so that he told us about that.

But member, he said that there was a chest of Aboudi buried in here and he wouldn't give it to the the people.

Maybe that's true. I just didn't find that. It just said he died in nineteen forty five and the daughter and the mother had inherited the property, OK, and then they moved in.

They find treasure. We're now taking bids on lot 43 pirate chest of unknown beauty.

You know, they do those blind lot auctions. Yeah sure. Yeah. It's kind of cool. It is kind of cool. And it was said to be held together by mortar, cement, calcium and goat milk. Oh, it 18 rooms, three stories built from a wide range of materials. Stone adobe automobile parts, salvaged rail tracks from a mine, telephone poles. It had a chapel cantina and a dungeon.

It feels like it would take someone 80 years to do this. I know, but we we.

About crystals. Yeah, I want to see that. Do a live report. Yes, I just want to hear it.

I would love to. What if we find the booty. Oh, that's booty. What if we find pooty.

Oh we're probably going to find poo. Yeah.

Yeah I'm sure some of the quote mud and mortar. Yeah.

Oh milk is coyote pooty or human pooty. Yeah. Um OK. So who did the National Lampoon sell to. They sold to a company called Jade to Communications in ninety one.

OK Colins anime show Kappa Miki. I remember he said it was he thought a play on Cappa Moqui which he thought was a sushi. It is a sushi, it's a cucumber roll. Cucumber rolls in Japan are called Kepa Moki and it's one of the most popular sushi rolls. Very easy to make just three ingredients seaweed, sushi, rice and cucumber.

No fish.

I just had the funnest fantasy of a sushi chef in Tokyo passively listening to this program while preparing sushi and then heard that you got that wrong. And then he threw his knife against the wall.

That was the fantasy I just had.

Wow. Oh, my gosh.

We had gotten it wrong because it's like a religion, right? That the sushi sushi set. Oh, my God, no sushi chef Celsi shorts. No, by the seashells shells. Well, do you think it's the guy from the hero loves sushi or dreams of sushi? If it's. Is he alive still.

Yeah I'm sure. OK, well I hope it's him and he's listening. Oh that would be great. Yes I would.

Although we're so sorry that she mispronounced it or and or got the item wrong. Oh yeah. In my fantasy you had up. You want me to mess this up. No, I don't. I didn't find that info from Wikipedia. Where do you find it from.

I she said, oh no, no, she's out on the internet. OK, so you were talking about a cult guy who then did like a hang gliding, but I think you said hand gliding. Oh, I'm sure he did.

I think it's called hang gliding. OK, so those are just one I want to make clear.

It's called hang gliding, hang gliding, paragliding.

They're both foot launched glider aircraft. And in both cases, the pilot is suspended, hangs below the lift surface. But hang glider is the default term for those where the airframe contains rigid structures.

So you can see where I thought it made sense that it was called a hang glider because you're holding with your hands this glider. Yeah, you know, I'm caught between embarrassed and then I'm still forty five.

And there's lots of words that I think are one thing and then equally excited by continued revelations because it's kind of fun.

I think it's so fun and it's good to correct it. Right.

So then you can have learned Hangu. I guarantee I'm going to see my mom tomorrow night. I'm going to ask her what that's called.

And I bet dollars that don't it she's going to say hang gliding because I think at least half of my wrong words are from her.

Yeah, that's you passed along.

You should hear her say throw. Next time she's here, I'm going to have her say throw for you.

What does this sound like? I almost want to run it, but.

But it's throw at what I saw. Throw it. No. Yeah, it's like she really hits the A and she pronounces both vowels throat.

Throw it or throw it, throw it. Yeah, and my brother does to your brother saw through it, I don't know that currently is a sore throat, but if he had one, he would pronounce it that way.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. It's so funny.

Well, that's like so Kristen says something really weird and I'm always like, oh, tell me how to say that.

But I actually think she might be right.

I'd be excited if you knew one, because thus far the score count in our relationship is like three hundred words to zero. I've pointed out she's saying wrong.

OK, it's the word. Oh I say it cupboard. OK, do you know what I'm talking about.

OK, that's how I see it going. Wait, wait. Say it again.

I say go get me some cereal from the cupboard. Yeah. Great. OK, she says Kopacz Well that's how it's spelled. Exactly.

So I've always been like she's wrong. But then I realized recently it's spelled the way she says it. So who's right? Is it often or often?

It's often no, I know. But I'm saying, is this a situation where the T is silent?

Is the is the P actually the pronounced B? Is the Pooty silent on this one?

Is it just Ooty?

Well, the listeners can tell us after they berate me for being on Wikipedia. So I'm going to have.

Because you're not going to tell me you're not going to throw me under the bus. I feel annoyed, of course, by that. Wait a minute. It's also spelled cup board.

Cupboard, cupboard. That's how I say it, I smell that. Yeah, I thought you were saying cupboard.

I thought you were throwing a tea at the end the first time he said it. And I was gonna say, no, you're it's definitely not cupboard. No cupboard.

Cupboard. Yeah, go in the cupboard. Go in the cupboard. OK, so I do think Kristen's wrong now. Oh, great.

We should have a big celebration when we get home tonight.

Let's run in the door laughing and pointing at her face, the mouth specifically and cup or you said a word wrong.

Finally, speaking of Pooty, you guys are both saying how his poop story was a set piece and I don't think everyone knows what a set pieces. I think you should tell people. Yes.

So when you're watching a comedy and the guy or I'll give you a prime example of you've seen this movie, The Money Pit is a bunch of people have not seen that you need it, but it'll still work.

It'll still work.

OK, so in the money pit, they're restoring this old house and there's all these workers working on the house. Shelley Long goes to plug in the coffeemaker. She has to unplug an extension cord. And then you see that the extension cord was attached to a guy saw who was in the middle of sawing. So when he stopped saying he loses his balance and then she plugs the saw back in when he's fallen and now the sword cuts the piece of wood, the sword falls through the wood.

It hits like a wheelbarrow, the wheelbarrow pops up that shoots something through the window that hits another thing. All of a sudden, the bathtub drops through the ceiling where Shelley Long's at.

That's a set piece like one thing happens which causes another thing happens because another.

Or how about this? Chips, there's a set piece. OK, so in chips, I'm in a lot of pain because it's raining out and I have to get young Ponchatoula to carry me to the tub and I'm naked. So it's already starting. Now we're using the situation. We've got to carry a naked man. He's already not like then he trips on my sheet, then he falls forward. And when he falls forward, his face crashes into my penis.

And then I continue on and I smash into the wall and I fall into the bathtub.

Right. That's a set piece. Yes. And the technical death is in film production. A set piece is a scene or sequence of scenes. His execution requires complex logistical planning and considerable expenditure of money.

True. And then, of course, they exist in action movies, too. It's like the novel plays, films, music.

OK, I didn't know about music I don't want to sound like, but we're not going to get into that today.

OK, that's all. That was great. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Wikipedia. I love you.