He's now charged. Learned my friend, I'm his friend, I have a tremendous amount of fear about doing this.

I understand one of them is people will maybe bombard me with things I did wrong or judgments of what I should or shouldn't have done. And maybe some people will feel a sense of betrayal because we preach honesty.

And I was being dishonest.

I have a fear financially that like companies who would want me to represent them or would now not.

Yeah, I think the people who already hate me will have a lot of ammo, which of course, who cares cares about those people, who cares?

And then, you know, most importantly but not I don't have it now, but I had it a week ago, which is the cornerstone of my self-esteem other than the children, is that we have this podcast and that a lot of people have been inspired to try sobriety based on how open we are about it.

And I had a huge fear that those people would feel maybe misled or, I don't know, part of it's good and its self esteem and another part of its ego that I.

I have 16 years. I have 16 years. I have 16 years. And that is something people might aspire to have. And then through talking to a really good close friend who said, you know, if if you're being honest and that what you really want to do is help people, then it would be much more helpful for you to be honest and to tell the truth.

I agree. Yeah.

OK, so it would be unfair to say this all started with my recent surgeries, which is really hard to say, but good job.

First of all, I'm so proud of you thinking about me.

So eight years into sobriety, I had not done a single shady thing. There was no nothing gray.

I hadn't done anything grey.

And then my heart's a little racy. In 2012, my father was dying.

He got diagnosed with cancer in August and then he died December 31st, I was going back non-stop to do all the treatments with him and take him to chemo and handle his hospital stuff, blah, blah, blah.

I also got in a motorcycle accident going to work on parenthood, and I immediately called my sponsor and I said, I'm in a ton of pain and I got to work all day. And we have friends that have Vikor painkillers. And he said, OK, you can take a couple Vicodin to get through the day work, but you have to go to the doctor and you have to get a prescription and then you have to have Cristen dole out the prescription.

And I said, OK, so I. I did all that. Yeah. So I had a prescription for Vicodin that Christine was administering. No problem. Yet I then fly back to see my dad and I don't take the prescription because Cristen supposed to hand them out.

So it's decided like I'm fine enough to just go without them.

So when I go back, my father at this point is he can't walk.

He just is in this hospital room all day long. And he says that he really wants to go sit in his house and look at the lake one more time. So my beautiful friend Ken Kennedy builds a fucking handicap ramp in front of his house and I get him in a wheelchair. My father is not a small man at this point either, even with cancer, probably weighed 280.

So I get him in this wheelchair. I take him to Ryan's, his favorite restaurant. I get him a goldbrick sundae, his favorite thing in the world, and he doesn't take any bites of it.

And that was the point where I was like, OK, that's probably the last stage for him.

Yeah. So he didn't eat any of this. I got him ribs and this this goldbrick Sunday and he didn't take any bites. And then I took them to the house and they had given me his Percocet. Yeah. Because he needs to take them every whatever hours.

So I give him a bunch of Percocet and then I go, I have a prescription for this. And I was in a motorcycle accident and I'm going to take some too. Yeah.

And so I took Percocet. My dad and I sat in his living room and stared at the lake and it was. You know, we had so little in common and so much friction, but the number one thing we had in common is we were both fucking addicts and we had never used anything together. And we sat there stoned and looked at the lake. And in that moment, I felt elation and I was just happy.

And then I dropped him off at the hospital. I went back to Kenny's house and spent the night and I started panicking a bit that I had done that. And I was wondering if that's a relapse. And oh, no, eight years is gone. And then did you take more?

Also, I don't have to ask questions. No, please do, because I think people will be wondering, whatever you're wondering. Well, since you were already taking them, did you take more than you would have been taking?

Yeah, I probably took twice of what you were. My other prescription was, yeah. Let me be even more specific. Initially, I think I took exactly what my prescription was, but then the second I felt them, I took the second dose of that. Right.

So. I wake up the next day and I'm pretty nervous and I'm a little panicked about the whole thing, and then I go to the hospital to see him and what I was already not crazy loving was just that my dad had so many friends in AA, which is awesome. And they they would visit him all day long and there would often be like 10 to 20 people inside of his room. And I wasn't really alone with him as much as I wanted to be.

And so I pulled up to the hospital and I'm seeing all these people walk in and I'm just feeling a lot of things, like overwhelmed by what I did over one. They think that my dad's dying. I don't think till much later did I realize it was stressful. I think in the moment I thought, like, oh, you do this. You did get the handicapped to do the you know, you were distracted by the logistics.

Exactly. And it was something that I could control. And so that's was my thing. So all that to say, Christine called me and I was sitting in the parking lot in the car and she said, How are you doing? And I said, I'm not doing great. I. You know, I'm really upset that all these people are visiting and I want alone time with him and of course, there's more that's going on than that.

And and she says, don't worry, it's OK. Look to your left and I look to my left and she's standing in the parking lot.

She has flown on the red eye that night without telling me. And she's in the parking lot of the hospital.

And then we go inside and my dad feels the baby Lincolns like, you know, eight months in the belly at this point. And so he feels a thing. And it's this really sweet day. And then on the ride.

From the hospital home, I started crying and I say I relapsed, I took blah, blah, blah, and she's like, you clearly need to call someone in AA. But I would say you're fucked up from this accident. You got high with your dad. Keep it moving. Yeah. Like, you don't need to redefine that. You know, you didn't lose eight years, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

Which was so comforting. And of course, just telling her was really comforting. And then I did tell a couple select people in a but in all honesty, a couple of people that I thought would co-sign.

Yes. Yeah. So that was eight years ago and over the last eight years, I don't think there was another thing for maybe a couple of years until I got hurt again. And then I've now had this experience where I did that. I felt bad, but there wasn't really any fallout from it. It was like I felt bad. I said I felt bad. And then I did just move on and it was fine. You also didn't feel like I need more.

Any more. Any more. Exactly. Yeah. Yes.

And again, another thing I'll add is I know really well what powerlessness and unmanageability feels like, which is when I drink if I drink on a Thursday night, there's no telling if I'll come back that night.

And then you had Coke and then really you're talking like, I can't predict if I'll be gone for a day or four days or whatever.

So that to me is like unmanageability and powerlessness, which I am entirely powerless over drinking and coke.

So this is a confusing experience because I didn't feel very powerless or anything. So then I get hurt again. I can't remember even what happens, but then that next time again, never administering them myself. But maybe I don't want to take them at night because I can't sleep when I take them. So when I get my two at night, I don't actually eat them and I keep them for tomorrow morning so that I can make it the dose I want it to be.

And again, that cycle happens maybe three or four more times and. I feel shady, but I don't feel like this is a problem. I didn't desire more when the thing was over, bla, blah, blah, blah, blah. So this escalates to I have a ton of injuries.

I've had seven surgeries from shit. I go ride a lot.

Yeah. And after I ride sometimes on the track, I feel I'm entitled to take two Vicodin at the end of the day because I am in pain. That, again, doesn't feel that crazy.

And then this last go around of the hand than the shoulder starting like, I don't know, six months ago or whatever it was.

I'm getting shadier and shadier and I've not ever yet bought them.

Mm hmm. And then I do. Yeah.

And so, yeah. And for the last eight weeks maybe I don't really know.

You would know better than I would. I'm on them all that all day and I'm allowed to be on them at some dosage because I have a prescription and then I'm also augmenting that and then all the prescriptions run out and I'm now just taking 30 ML boxes that I've bought at whenever I decide I can do.

And again, in my addict brain, I'm like, I don't take them after four so I can sleep. I'm taking stool softener so I'm not constipated. I'm doing all the dishes and I'm being a dad and I'm interviewing people. And the interviews seem to be going pretty well and it's feeling very manageable. And I'm thinking this is very manageable.

And then primarily you start saying, what are you on or why are you different or what's happening? And I start lying to you pretty regularly and I hate it.

And I'm lying to other people now and I know I have to quit, but my tolerance is going up so quickly that I'm now in a situation where I'm taking, you know, eight thirty is a day. And I know that's an amount that's going to result in a pretty bad withdrawal.

And I start getting really scared and I'm starting to feel really lonely. And I just have this enormous secret and I create a schedule.

You try to handle it yourself. I try to handle myself and I come up with a schedule that I'm going to take, you know, eight, then the next day, 27, then I'm getting six and blah, blah, blah, and then I'm going down to a half. Well, day one, when I'm supposed to step down, I'm like, oh, I wasn't anticipating that this was already going to feel bad after just one less. So I don't step down the first day and then I don't step down the second day.

And now I'm really panicking because I don't have many left and I know it's getting worse and I now start getting pretty visibly detoxes in withdrawal. And I lie and say I'm having an arthritis flare up. And then 10, maybe 11, 12 days ago, yeah, something like that, you and I are driving in the car. And I'm now on my, like, fourth lie to you of the day, and I just can't I can't do it.

I can't I just I'm gaslighting you and I know I am.

And I'm making you feel crazy and I'm making Kristen feel crazy and.

So I say to you in the car, why start? Crying a little bit and I say, I have something to tell you, but I want to tell you and Kristen same time.

So we go in the gym and then I tell you guys everything. Yeah. And I give you the remaining stuff I have and I say, please help me because I'm not doing this well. Yep. And now I don't really know what to do. I'm like I've told you guys I apologize for all the gaslighting I've been doing and now I have this whole eight situation and my more importantly, my ego in my 16 years, 16 years, 16 years.

Compounded by the fact that, like it's in the news that I have 16 years, I know the public element makes this so much harder than it is for another person, which is why I'm extra proud, by the way, I.

I said. I don't think you need to start over. I think it's fine.

I think we get through this and let's also say why? Because I think it's relevant. My fear was that if I have one day. Yeah, I'm going to drink. Yeah. And I'm going to do Coke.

So I haven't drank a beer in 16 years and I haven't snorted a line in 16 years. And if I have one day then I might as well fucking have what I really want and then start over in.

My fear of that is I know if I do that. It may take me three years to get that back in the cage and I may die.

I just know what I'm like on those two things. And so I'm I.

And again, it's very hard for me to know what part of this is like my addiction and what great stories I tell myself of reasons why I can't just be fucking humble and say I failed. I think I have a very legitimate fear that I would drink. And also, I think my addiction is smart enough to say you can't do that or your drink.

So what I end up doing is going to a meeting after I tell you and Kristen and I kind of I talk about the thoughts I had, which is, wow, that stuff's confusing because you're kind of functional and it doesn't feel powerless and it doesn't feel unmanageable. And so, like, I kind of just crack that door.

The guys there aren't necessarily thinking anything. And then the next night I go to a much smaller meeting with some really good friends of mine. And I copped to a lot of it. Yeah, I basically copped to getting a couple prescriptions that Chris didn't know about, which again, is not the full story. Right.

And then I Saturday I call. My best friend, someone who I look up to so much, who's much older than me and has everything I want as a person and two beautiful daughters, and he's just the most amazing man in the world. And I talked to him and I tell him everything. Yeah. And he says, you know, you're your number one character defect is your arrogance, you think you're so much smarter than everybody.

And he said, and I know it because I suffer from the same one, which is true, I never thought I'm not an addict, but I thought I'm a smart enough addict to do this and be smarter than that and come up with the bullet proof game plan. And he said, you know, it's your number one character defect in that unfortunately, I know the antidote to it, which is humility. And there would be nothing more humbling for you than to tell everyone in our meeting.

And then ultimately tell everyone, period. And that was terrifying. That was so terrifying and yet. I could not deny that was the real antidote. Yeah, so then I am living in pretty big fear from Saturday til Tuesday. Also, I'm stepping down and I'm really very physically ill.

Yeah, yeah, yes.

I'm like sweating bullets. I'm jerky. I my back kills. It's just it's it's terrible. I've never detox from opiates.

And I, I, I have so much compassion for these junkies who have like fucking cycled through this 20, 30 times. It's, it's. Yeah I know.

Also you just had your sobriety birthday. Yes. And Oh yes. So let me add that. Thank you. Yeah.

So my older friend who I worship, one of his first questions was how to feel taken that 16 year cake at the meeting where everyone was being so kind to you and saying how much they admire you.

And I said it was the worst hour of my life.

You were anywhere on them? Oh, yeah. I was high at the meeting having people tell me that they admire my sobriety.

And I said it was the worst thing in the world. But my choices in my mind at that time were don't go to the meeting on my 16th birthday, which would have been crazy, the biggest red flag in the world.

And my secret would be out. And I'm dead. And I I'm really at that point thinking like this is my life on the line is like the idea that I would have to quit these things tomorrow morning. It's just the irony, right?

Because your life is on the line in the opposite way. In the opposite way. Yeah. But I have convinced myself at that point, again, stupidly and in wrongly, that the love I've experienced in that room for the last 17 years has been conditional. They love me because I'm sober. And I really convinced myself of that.

Yeah, you you have an M.O. of that or you think people love you because they love you, because you're a good driver.

I love you because of this and that. There's just people just love you.

You have to be able to just put a period at the end of that.

It's very hard. Don't do you don't you think you have that? I think everyone does. But when you're on the other side of it, you know, that's just so not true. You're right. Yeah, you're right.

And then find yourself well and then that. So so I had great fear of going to the meeting on Tuesday and it timed up kind of perfectly where I had been off of opiates for a full twenty four hours and I had taken Xanax the night before to sleep because I couldn't sleep.

So Tuesday really was day one. Yeah. And then so I went to this meeting and I man I've known the men in this meeting for a seventeen and a half years because I had many attempts before I got going and I told my whole story and I told it honestly and I went first and I was crying and it turned into the most incredible, like ninety minutes of ever experience where there was just so much love and there was so much understanding and kindness in unconditional love.

And it's the only. There's probably been many others, but it's the only experience I can remember having that was just grace, the definition of grace, and it was very emotional and it was a really, really surreal kind of experience.

And when it was over, I actually mentally, for the first time in a very long time, felt optimistic because for the last while, a long time, I've known intellectually that things are going to get worse, that each.

Encounter with it has gotten more shady and more dangerous, and I recognize that the next go around would be, oh, I can't get pills, let's snort heroin in, you know, and I've had a lot of friends that I've watched go through this whole cycle.

And I finally have the humility to say I will not be any different, I won't be special, I won't be smarter. I will be exactly like everyone else. I mean, Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I just adored and idolized, he had 20 some years. And I think he he had a very similar kind of experience that ended in death. And so I'm not smarter than Philip Seymour Hoffman. I'm not more special. I'm not I'm not anything more than him.

But I will say the 16 years of of not drinking and going to AA, there's a saying in AA that like your addictions doing push ups, it's not getting weaker over time. It's just doing push ups ready for you to get back at it. And that part is true.

But I will say that the the the huge gift that the 16 years did give me was I used to be able to gaslight people daily and it didn't bother me. And I've had a good 15 and a half years or maybe more, if not gaslighting people. And I just don't I, I don't have that tolerance for it.

I couldn't I couldn't it it was the worst part of this whole experience was like, yeah.

Lying right to your face and knowing that you didn't believe it. And it's just it was terrible and I hated myself over it, and so that's a gift of it.

And then shockingly, I didn't have a single desire or fantasy or ideation about drinking or doing cocaine.

I'm glad.

And it would have been totally natural if you did, but I'm so relieved I did it.

This thing really has relieved me of my obsession to drink alcohol, which is what it promises it will do. So I'm I'm just so grateful for that.

Yeah. I'm so grateful. One other thing I want to say, many years of sobriety, I journaled every single day. I was like superstitious about it, that if I missed a day, I would relapse. And I'm talking like, you know, 14 years of of journaling every single day. And then I stopped.

And I have told myself over the last couple of years that I stopped because I was too busy and I had kids and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

But I started journaling again and I was writing everything I really did. And all of a sudden it hit me. I stopped journaling because I didn't feel safe being honest with that journal because I was afraid the journal would get found. And so I didn't even want to write it in anymore because I was no longer even being honest with the journal, which is.

Yeah. A bizarre thing.

Yeah. And so. Yeah, today I have seven days. Good job. Thank you, graduation's. Also, I mean, I'm not in this program, so I don't know what I'm allowed to say or not.

But knowing you, you still have you have seven days.

But those 16 years aren't gone. They're not erased. I mean, I know there's like some grey, but yeah.

You haven't drank alcohol or had cocaine, which is why you went there in 16 years.

That's a huge accomplishment.

And it doesn't I'm still very proud of it whether I should or shouldn't be. I still feel very proud that I haven't drink or cocaine in 16 years.

Yeah. And also I have not been sober in the way I would like to be sober where you don't have secrets and you're not afraid to tell people about the gray area you're going through. Yeah.

And that's my failing is I was not trusting enough of the people who love me to let them in on the struggle, the struggle and the gray area and what the baby steps I was taking. And and yeah. And I'm obviously really regretful that now at the same time, I had all these fears of what it would be to have one day again.

And I will say I've had twenty five conversations in the last week with guys from my program that I've had more in the last week than I've had in the last two years with guys from my program.

So the level of connection I've gotten out of it and again, the primary thing, once you're sober trying to help other alcoholics and to be honest and I. I have felt like I've gotten to do that way more than I was doing was, quote, 16 years. Yeah, and that feels incredibly good.

I feel so much better than I felt on opiates, even though I thought I felt really good on opiates.

Yeah, well, connection. You'd been missing that.

Yes. My lack of humility was a roadblock to other guys being humble with me. Yeah.

You've talked on the show about having a harder time talking about your current struggles, my real time struggles.

Yeah, I would I would rather tell you things I've conquered. Yes. Yeah.

As I've been hinting at this in my subconscious for a couple of years.

Yeah. And our show is about honesty and vulnerability and those things are so much easier said than done I think. And yeah.

And but you're really putting your money where your mouth is by doing well.

I'm so embarrassed by the thing. I'm not as much now going through it as I thought I would be. But I was I was very embarrassed by the whole thing. You know, I had really started. Yeah, my my ego was like, oh, I've got this under control, and you have to admit I don't have control, which is the thing I desire the most. And to openly say that I have lost complete control is hard for me.

I think everyone hearing this is going to learn something new about you and maybe themselves and feel like everyone is going through a hard time.

Everyone everyone is the I guess the only thing I would hope people would hear is that at least in my case, the outcome wasn't anything like I feared it would be. And the secrets are so much more painful than whatever the fallout from owning my secrets was. Yeah, I'm just really, really grateful that you guys, you know, we're understanding and and didn't feel as betrayed as you should, you know.

No, but that's the other thing. I mean, I'm not letting you off the hook or anything at all, but it is a disease. It's a real disease.

I when you and I think we've talked about this before, but when you had surgery, this is maybe a couple of years ago and I don't know why Christian wasn't there something.

So I was in charge of administering your pills and we were just in the middle of conversation. Yeah. Normal, like totally like this. And and then you'd just be like it's too like in the middle of the conversation, it's two p.m..

Like, without looking at my watch. Yeah. You just knew your brain was always counting down the minutes until you could have it.

And that's the part too. I know. I want to be honest about which is the lie I was telling myself was I'm pulling this off and this isn't powerless and it's not unmanageable because, look, I'm I'm interviewing people and I'm going to work and I'm doing all this stuff. But the truth is, while I'm interviewing someone, I'm almost having this out of body experience.

I'm like, oh, good, this is working. This will end in an hour.

I'm going to go pee. I have two pills in my pocket. I'm going to try to take one while I'm peeing. That way, Monica won't know I took a pill. Oh, my God. I think a pill fell out in the La-Z-Boy. All I'm thinking about is that there's a pill in the lazy boy and you're going to see it. But I'm still.

So that's what's fucked up is that, yeah, you're my real life gets put to my subconscious. My subconscious is now just operating whatever skill set I have. Yeah. But my real thoughts are all day long.

When do I have another pill. I can't have too many. I got to stop it for fuck what's already for.

I can't have you know, really all I'm thinking about is that and I'm not actually present even though there is the facade of being present. Yeah.

It's very grody that I can do that again.

When I saw that, like, you know, we've talked about addiction so much and I hear all the stories.

But when I was administering the pills was the first time, I really was like, oh, he has no control over this.

I don't know.

It just really opened my eyes to it in a new way.

Like intellectually I can understand it, but I felt like I could understand it emotionally for the first time of your lack of control over it.

And so I was like, this is a disease.

I really get that now. Like, this is not a choice.

So after that experience, I was like became very hyper aware of any time there were pills or injuries or just generally I was just really hyper aware of anything that felt a little off because I just really felt like, no, this isn't he's he's not going to be in control.

Yeah. Yeah, but I.

Oh, and the other big thing that I hope people take that you were brave enough to ask for help when you really needed it.

Yeah, I was. I couldn't have not a I felt so terrible about the line and then I just I was which I haven't felt in a very long time.

I was just very scared and I felt very, very lonely, like the level of loneliness. And I couldn't even tell the journal. And I really was just locked into my thoughts by myself. Yeah. And none of them were helpful.

But some people feel that and then they still don't ask. And that is when I think things really spiral out of control. And so you have to ask for help if you need it. Yeah.

I'm so grateful that you and Kristen are people I would feel safe to ask for help from.

I'm so grateful that I have you guys in. My life. And do you miss it? Getting high? Yeah, I don't I feel so much better. Again, I knew my life was going to get worse and worse and worse, like I knew it and I now feel again like my life is going to get better. Yeah, I'm going to feel less sick from it. I'm going to be less sweaty every night.

So some of the fun stuff, the developments are I have to switch sides of the bed. I sleep on a towel. Yeah. And then about three a.m. I have to wake up because the towels too wet. And I moved to the other side of the bed. Yeah. And put a different towel down and it's it's very hot.

Yeah. You should put one of Delta's ppy pads under. I should.

The only thing I miss about it is if I'm being brutally honest, was that I did love that I would wake up in the morning and I'd actually be excited to wake up because I was going to take a 30 and a half a 30 and get my coffee. And then in twenty five minutes I was going to feel great for three hours and being able to control my mood. I loved being able to control my mood, to be able to predict how I was going to feel in my.

Know endless desire for control, control, control, that made me feel like I could control that, how I felt, I enjoyed that part.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. And and then when I would go off them, I would feel like shit. So would kind of confirm. Oh, right. You just let yourself be yourself. It's not very pleasant in X, Y and Z, but it's all. Yeah, it's all this.

I'll tell you the moment I had to like this crazy moment we were watching alone, this survivalist show on Netflix, which is really great.

And there's all these contestants and they're all by themselves and they're trying to stay as long as they can. They only have like a hatchet and a bow and arrow or whatever they have. And this one woman tapped out because she said, you know, when I had my first child, it stressed my pelvic floor and I've been constipated for nine days and I can feel the weight of it on my pelvic floor. And I'm pretty nervous. It's going to damage my pelvic floor to a degree that I won't be able to have a second kid.

So I got to go. I'm going to tap out. And I had this moment where I was like, that's addiction. She really just wants to leave as everyone there would want to leave. And so her brain is all day long coming up with stories that hopefully she can buy into. And finally, it created one where it's like the future of your fertility is on the line.

So you must step out. Now, that may or may not be true. Yeah, but I so identified with your brain just working all day long, trying to come up with a story to do the thing you want to do that you can buy into justification.

Yes.

Now and in my brain's been very busy doing that for a couple of months now. We're a few months. Yeah. It's survival, it's a survival skill, I think I think that's why we originally have it so that we don't crumble under our own mental fatigue. We all do it.

We all justify decisions all day long that we know aren't exactly right.

When we drive by the homeless person on the street, we make justifications for why they're in those positions and why we're not like everyone's doing it all day long.

And it's just kind of important to recognize that.

So we took a lot of time to talk about what I went through.

But I would also like to very much let you say what you went through and again. I apologize to you publicly because it breaks my heart that I would try to convince you that you were wrong about something you knew you were right. Well, I started to pick up on things and I was like, I really think something's going on, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to get you in trouble.

So I didn't want to tell Kristen.

I didn't know if I was right, like was at my place to ask.

And and you must think there's some outside chance that I'm not lying. Exactly. Well, at that point, you hadn't lied to me. I was just thinking, like, I feel something is you're nervous for me.

Yes. And I almost texted mutual friend who's also sober. And I almost asked him, what do I do if I think. But I didn't know what to do because I was like, what do I do if I think someone is on drugs and shouldn't it be like he would know immediately, you know? And I didn't think I could.

Well, you're you're probably susceptible to the same thing I was telling myself, which is that if I have one day, I'm going to go drink.

Yes. So you probably feel the stakes of that as well, that all of it.

Yeah. And I after your hand surgery.

So this is at the beginning of corn. Yeah. Yeah. And you had a hand surgery and I, I was living at the house because I had just had the seizure. The great.

Oh my God. Great stretch for everyone. I was leaving the house because of the seizure.

You you broke your hand. We thought Kristen had Korona for like four days.

Yes. She was quarantined in the bedroom.

She was quarantined.

And I was so stressed, like, I think Max Capacity stressed out because I was like, oh my God, Kristen's going to be quarantined for two weeks.

Dax's hand is broken so he can't do anything. So now I'm going to be watching these children for two weeks. I think I'm probably going to have another seizure in this time.

Like I was really stressed out. Yeah. One of those mornings your back hurt. Yeah. And also, I knew that there were pills in the mix and I was stressed out about that. Yeah. But I couldn't really tell anyone about that. I found them and I counted them.

Some were missing and I was so stressed out and Jess texted me and he said, how is it going over there?

And I said, I'm so stressed out I don't know what to do. I'm nervous about the seizure.

Christens in quarantine, there are pills missing.

And what I did not realize is he texted both of us.

We were on a group text and he said, How's everything going?

Oh, so I responded to the group, me and you and him. And he called me immediately and he said, You need to find his phone and you need to delete that. Oh, this is at night. This is like midnight or something, you're sleeping and I just said. Nope, I'm not going to I'm not going to try to delete it. I'm not going to do anything. And then I woke up and I said, you're you're not going to like this, but you're going to see a text on your phone and it's with Jess.

And, you know, I don't really know what to do in these situations at that point. I had already asked you a few times about stuff and you had lied.

So I didn't know what to do because I felt like I knew or I knew I was right. In this case, there were pills missing, so I was validated. But then I was didn't know how to talk to you about it. And I didn't again, didn't want to get you in trouble. That's on me.

And so I told Jess and then I told you accidentally and and I and then I said, you know, Jess, I feel like I have to have some sort of outlet.

So I picked him. Yeah.

And then you just said, OK, you weren't mad at me or and I just felt I felt really bad that you would be in a position that you would have to count the pills, because I am that person and I know I'm stressing you out and I'm also high. So I don't really I also want more than anything to stay high. So, yeah, I want to make you happy. I want to stay high and I don't really know what to do.

Yeah, I was really relieved that you weren't mad. I really thought you were going to get super defensive, and I was just embarrassed.

By the way, I knew you were going to do it. Yeah, I was allowed to take two and I took four or five and then gave you the bottle to administer to me.

Yeah. So, again, these are all these like talk about the great. Like, I for some reason at that point was still willing to give you the bottle. Right. Like I was still in my mind. OK, well I'm not she'll be in charge but I am going to have a few more before I give it to her. I hope she doesn't notice, but I know Monica, she's going to notice. And so when I handed them to you, it was kind of like a ticking clock.

I really knew what was coming.

Yeah. And then it happened. And I didn't at that point wasn't fucked up enough to. Yeah. To lie about it. I was just like, yeah, yeah. And again, I've put on your shoulders the stakes of, you know, what are you supposed to do, call my sponsor.

And then now I have a day and now I go out and drink and fuck up.

You know, I'm so sorry that I would be putting you in that position truly. It's so obvious how many people it always affects. Yeah, again, the lie I'm telling myself, the story I'm coming up with is like. I'm not hurting anyone, how how is anyone hurt by this? Yeah, I, I can't feel too vikan it right. It doesn't feel like anything, but I can feel five again. I'm like, well, I have a much higher tolerance than people.

I mean, again, these are all the stories I'm telling myself. I have a much higher tolerance for drugs. They prescribe them for a 70 pound woman and a two hundred pound man. There's a set prescription and it doesn't work for me. I can't feel it.

But you're not supposed to feel you're supposed to feel the absence of pain. Not a buzz. But I don't want the absence of pain. I want to buzz.

And it's. You know, I just really you know, it just all unravels very quickly and then I'm I have one set of ethics on one day and the next day I have a different set of ethics. It's a progressive thing and it gets worse and worse and worse. Yeah. And our good friend Eric, who's now sober much longer than me, he was like, I'm surprised you didn't like desire to go do coke or get rid of Ritalin or Adderall or something.

And I said the only time I fantasize about getting Ritalin was.

A couple times I took enough that it was very noticeable to you, so my whole thing was like, truly and by the way, thank you, you probably kept me from getting much worse, is that I knew there was some sweet spot that I had to maintain or you would ask what what's going on with you? And so it crossed my mind to have Adderall available just in case I did enough that you would notice. And this is how it's like it just starts building now.

I never did get Adderall, but it started crossing my mind that it should be in my tool kit to pull this off.

Oh, I'm so. I'm just so grateful you're OK. That's really it, that's really the key to lasting.

I mean, I'm I'm I have so much more to be grateful for. I'm so sorry that I lied to you and so many people and I.

It's really, really regretful and shameful and it really bums me out that I'm that person sometimes and I'm sorry, but I don't want you to be regretful that your you your you the you have all the good parts that everyone loves and you have some hard parts just like everyone does.

Just like everyone does.

Yeah. Again, and I guess the other reservation I had about coming clean publicly is like. Christian doesn't deserve for the next six months, for every fucking interview she does to be, oh, dacs, relax.

I know it's not doesn't feel fair. It doesn't feel fair to anyone. It's not fair to anyone. I'm just. Yeah. And I'm sorry and embarrassed that I've put other people in this situation.

But it's very admirable that you decided to put yourself before fame, before public destruction or whatever you fear, even though that's not going to happen at all. But that is really hard to do to say I'm more important than that.

Well, even just yesterday, he goes, are you nervous? People are going to, like, go back and try to figure out when you are high and stuff. And I'm like, yeah, that's going to happen. And that's a fucking bummer. And that's part of the consequences of this. Yeah.

And I'll just have to deal with that because I'd rather deal with that than have a big fucking secret.

Exactly. Yeah. I can't imagine going to a live show and having some, you know, three weeks sober person tell me. Oh my God, I can't I want to have 16 years like you that would just kill me to do that.

So if you got more than seven days, you got more than me. So you're my elder and I look up to you and, you know, onward and upward for all the people who have been along on this whole journey for the last few years. I feel and this is not to sound cheesy, but I feel the same responsibility to the people who love the show and are with us because I think it's such an emotional connection. We all have.

I would feel just as guilty to all the armchairs as I would you and Christian and other people I love. So. That's that I think that's there. All right, thanks for your honesty. I love you so much. Thanks for dealing with me. Always. Always. OK, bye.