Emily MorseArmchair Expert with Dax Shepard
- 1,047 views
- 11 Feb 2021
Emily Morse is a sex therapist, author and host of the podcast Sex with Emily. Emily joins the Armchair Expert to discuss Dax’s favorite subject: sex. Emily explains her theory on why sex is still the most taboo topic in America, how little has changed in sex education, and the effect pornography is having on young people. Emily stresses how important communication is for a thriving sex life, how much there is to discover about yourself if you’re curious, and that you’re responsible for your own orgasm, not your partner. The two discuss shame around self-pleasure, the impact sexual wellness has on your overall wellness, and Emily’s vision of lube on every nightstand.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert I'm Dan Rather. I'm joined by Lindsey Buckingham. How are you? Lindsay, I'm a royal. No, no, no, no.
That's from Fleetwood Mac. Lindsey Buckingham. Oh, my God. Well, that was a mess. Buckingham is a trick. That should have been a royal. Yeah. Oh, that reminds me of the funniest story about Ken Kennedy. You remember this one? He got pulled over in high school in the street. He lived on what's called Buckminster. OK. Oh, wow. And he got pulled over for speeding in. The cop asks for his license and he looked at and he said, Do you know why I pulled you over this evening, Mr.
Mr. Booker. Minister. Oh, can Kennedy.
Today, we have a really exciting expert on Emily Morse. She is a sex therapist and author and host of the podcast Sex with Emily. I can't believe it took us this long. Never sex and intimacy conversation right in tomorrow's Valentine's Day.
Well, that to me before I don't know if it's tomorrow, but Valentine's Day is knocking on the back door.
Valentine's Day is on Sunday. So this was timely. Yeah. Priming the pump.
Listen, Emily has made it her mission to normalize the conversation around sex. And she has a new master class. The master class she teaches is called Emily Morse teaches sex and intimacy. She can help you learn how to identify what you want, communicate your desires and discover new sexual adventures. So please enjoy Emily Morse. We are supported by better help. If you are having trouble meeting your goals or difficulty with relationships or trouble sleeping or you're feeling stressed or depressed, better help is available.
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It's so helpful. It really is helpful. And again, you made your therapist cry last time, which is so I'm going to keep talking about it. Yeah, you should write on that for a while. Now, listen, you can start communicating in under 48 hours. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's secure online professional counseling. Better help counselors have a broad range of expertise which may not be available in your area. The service is available for clients worldwide.
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He's not sure. Hello. Hi.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited to meet you guys. Why we're so excited to meet you. We are for real, real, real exciting. We say that to a lot of people, but genuinely, I'll speak for myself. I'm a bona fide pervert. The fact that we had a sex expert on yet, how is that possible?
I love your show and I'm honored to be on it.
Oh, thank you. We did have a sex addiction specialist. Dr. Alex Khattak is kind of Hockett. Oh, right. Right. That was more addressing my pathologies than just the fun of it all. The fun of it all. Yeah. This promises to be the fun.
But you kind of consider yourself a sex expert sexpert. Sure. That's probably why I consider myself an expert.
I'm also an expert expert. But Emily, we're both from not just Michigan, but we're both from Oakland County. I know.
I feel like we have so many similarities because in listening to your show, it's like I can so relate to all the Michigan things and that just in your accent. Oh, you still have your accent. You're long a as you know.
What's funny is, of course, my wife is also from Michigan and she says I still have one, but I don't even know what that means. So it's great. Yeah, apparently I still have it. You do.
It's fun. Yeah. We're both when we have that whole experience.
And you miss Greek salad.
I do miss Greek salad. Greek salad. Yeah, that's it. I love it. I miss a lot about Bush. I mean I don't go back as much well now in the last year. But you know, I'm glad that I had the Midwestern upbringing. I have to say. Me too.
And I just went back in the fall and went to for cider mills. And one day that's what I miss.
The doughnuts and the bees, though, there was always so many bees. Oh, my God. So I recorded the whole thing. It was with my best friend Aaron, and we kept getting chased out of everywhere by the bees because we're both allergic to bees. Oh, yeah. To ever present theme in the whole thing. The most exciting thing I remember in my late teens was that Elizabeth Berkley was from Farmington Hills. Was that always on your mind as well?
And that's why last week someone like you remember Elizabeth Berkley, but now they talk about Kristen Bell, too, because there's not that many of us from Michigan. So you always talked about the few people that were from Michigan that made it.
Yeah. And you did much better in school than I did in Michigan because I could have not have gotten into you event. But you did get into it. Why did you want to do psychology? Because I have a stereotype about psych students.
I wanted to psychology because, well, this is such a Michigan thing. I had a cousin who was older and went to Michigan. And when I got there, it was one of those first times I didn't know it then.
But it was commitment issues like take a major and I got there and, you know, you're a freshman. It's like, OK, I just got here and I get by to pick a major. I mean, how the hell do I know what I want to be for the rest of my life? I only worked at the shoe warehouse and I don't know what I want to be. And so my cousin Liz was a psychology major and I thought that would be really interesting.
Maybe I should do that and then come to find out that I actually love therapy, I love analysis, and it was the right choice for me.
And then within psychology or learning about human sexuality is covered. It's a big part of our psychology.
So not then. Not then. No, listen, there was no talk about sex when I was in college. Sex didn't come until much later. So for me, it wasn't until fifteen years ago was when I did the switch to sex. So I studied psychology and then I was in therapy. My parents were always very pro therapy, so my parents got divorced when I was young, what age nine? They got divorced. And Mom's like, we you should just, you know, go to therapy.
So they were always pro that. And so the psychology part of it just made sense to me. But then I had this switch my senior year at Michigan. I was like running through the what was it called that park that I wrote. We did mushrooms there once, you know, the park where they would have hash bash.
Yes, yeah, yes. Yeah, I attended. Right. That was a big thing.
When we did that, there was more talk about drugs. There was weed was way more acceptable than talking about sex then. Yeah. I don't even think they had a human sexuality program. At least I didn't know about it.
But a feather in the cap just did not to counter your claims, but naked run. They have it. You have them. I do not think everyone is for my good man. I can go for a jog.
Wow. I was in winter I think. Yeah they do.
I was uptight though a little bit. I was much more conservative in college. I was like, if I have sex with too many guys and they're going to judge me and I never wanted to be taken advantage of by a man. It was all the stuff that I'm so against right now about women feeling that we're defined by our sexuality. So I would never have gone naked right now. I'd be the first. I'd be naked run like I'm a totally different person than I was in Michigan.
If I asked my wife and she gives me the green light, should we go do the naked run and raise money for some children?
Go make. So, again, I wanted to do a perverted calendar and donate money to children and Monica and for now I know I always want to do things for kids and they're like, what you do sucks, but I do want to do sex education.
I'm like, Yeah, but that's why they need it. The kids need to know about sex. I didn't have any sex education growing up at all.
What's your theory on why sex is in this country? The most taboo topic? Still, I have a bunch of theories and opinions, but one hard example I would just give is simply in movie ratings. If you lick a nipple, you're going to get an NC 17 rating. But if you hack the boob off with a machete, you're going to get a PG 13. That should tell you something very deeply about our relationship with sexuality.
Oh, my God. Yes. Why do I think that sex is so taboo? Honestly, it's because in some ways we're thinking, oh, America, we're so oversexed, all these sex ed movies and we're so open. But really we're very puritanical society. Oh, yeah. Where we are so uptight, it's a shame. It's religion. It's our upbringing. We are terrified to talk about sex, to be maligned. I mean, I believe everything starts because we have horrible sex education in America and in most of the world.
But only like 16 states require sex ed to be medically accurate. Oh, accurate at most of it is abstinence based. So here we have kids being told that sex is going to be this amazing thing. When you grow up, you can't really talk about it. You kind of have to giggle. And it's a weird thing. Maybe you hear about giving a blowjob in seventh grade, but you don't really know what any of it means. And if you do have sex education, I don't know about you or Monica.
I had one day in sixth grade and all I remember was some kid, like, raise his hand. He's like, Mrs. Jones, can you fuck underwater like that at all?
I remember you can, but it's challenging. Yes, it's challenging. And you think all the water would make great lubrication and it cancels out your natural I don't know any of that stuff. So we have no education. Right. And then you go off and have sex. And this was my experience. Like my journey was that like it wasn't a great she lost my virginity and my boyfriend's waterbed in Farmington Hills.
And it was just like but I thought, this is it. This is not that interesting, that exciting. And what I found is so many kids today because I talk to a lot of my friends, kids and nieces, it's the same exact thing. Nothing has changed as far as accurate, comprehensive sex education. So it's almost like handing our kids the keys to the car and saying, well, now you can go drive, but we never give them any driver's training.
We don't talk about it and then it's shamed.
Well, and I'd argue it's been compounded by the ubiquitousness of pornography. So, in fact, these kids have the illusion that they actually have more knowledge about sex because they've seen this ride it out, shaved guy pound a human being for 40 minutes straight. And that is what the guideline is.
It's exactly it because we didn't even have porn. Right? Like a magazine you'd look at and then you were still kind of like, oh, but this is confusing to me. But now with porn and there was a study that just came out this week which has pissed me off even more because it said that 18 to 24 year olds, like 70 percent of them, thought that porn is sex education. And in fact, it's the only sex that they have that no one is telling them that that's not real.
Right, right. Right. Well, it's as real as a fistfight. You see superheroes have in movies as well, because everything in movies is some abstraction of our bizarre fantasies, whoever's writing it. Right, exactly.
I talked to a friend's kid. He's like 17 and he called me because I'm very passionate about educating everyone, but definitely young people because I realize that nothing has changed in the years that I was even in Michigan. So he's in Michigan, 17 years old. I'll call him John. We just talk to Mumbly because he's got a girlfriend. He won't tell me what's going on. So we get on the phone and he's like, I was having problems with anxiety and his performance.
Sure. Sure. Performance. And I said, Well, John, do you watch porn? I'm just curious. He's like, well, yeah, of course. And I said, OK, no, no shame. No, because the last thing I do is tell people do not watch porn. Right. I said, but just so you know, it's not really accurate. Like, I'm looking at it going, you know, we're near her clitoris.
Like, how is she having an orgasm when.
Right. There's scripts, they cheat towards camera, they have makeup on their body parts. It's just not real. And he said, OK, OK, I hear you. If that's not real sex, then can you please direct me somewhere to go so I can see real sex? Right. I'm like, I don't have anywhere for you to go, really.
I mean, listen to my podcast or read these books or do all these things, but there's just not a replacement for it. And so it's problematic and it's also addictive and titillating. Yeah. So it's just very confusing.
I'm trying to untangle that. I've said this before, I got so lucky, just dumb luck, this girl that was way older than me liked me and I was 15 and we hooked up in my bedroom and she just said, like, let me walk you through all this stuff like this is this this is my letters. Don't go right at it, but start here, do this. And I was like, oh, absolutely. And I think the position of age power made her that confident and made my ego not get bruised like, oh yes, this girl is older and she knows and I don't know, had that not happened, how many years I would have gone along before, because certainly none of my friends said, oh, by the way, this is how X, Y and Z works.
And my dad, even though he was super open, he didn't either. And if it were to happen in any household, it would have happened in mine. My dad spoke so openly about it. So I just think all the time, like, what a crazy, lucky thing that happened. That probably doesn't happen.
And you know, what's so interesting about that tax is that in all the years I've been doing I've talked to so many thousands of people and questions. Every time a guy has had that experience of being with an older woman, it's changed the trajectory of their sex life. They're like, well, there was this one woman. And I met her in the summer and she came over and she showed me that I needed to go slow. I need to pay attention.
But honestly, that's probably one of the only experiences where I hear guys are like, how did you know this? And they're like, there was an older woman.
Yeah, there was a shaman, literally a sex shaman, like a vagina shaman who showed up at your door.
Yeah. God bless you, Lisa. I mean, you should send her some flowers or something because that was luck. I was raised to think that men got shipped off to some secret school when they were like twelve or thirteen. And someone sat down with them and said, this is what a woman wants. I thought they knew. So when I used to have sex with guys, I'd be like, well, they know what's up because guys know.
Right? And then you come to find out they don't know anything and I don't know anything. So we should figure it out together in the system.
Hurts both parties because, yes, every guy is aware of the fact that they're supposed to know we're hip to that stereotype as well. Right. But the fact that you had a woman.
Yeah, yeah. You were able to be like, oh, I don't have to pretend because there's no way I could know because she's older. So that was the dynamic that I don't know what we're saying. I guess your list was big. I guess you go find an older woman.
I'm not necessarily saying that, but. But find one. There's other ways to learn.
I think that it's a really weird cycle because the guy's no one's telling them, so they don't know. And then girls also feel that they have to like it. Right. You know, like they have to please the guy as well and make it seem like they are having fun or it's good. So they never even are able to share with the guy. Oh, actually, that didn't really feel good. Or we should do this like everyone's in this mode of pretending.
Yeah, yeah, that's exactly it. And that's how I was. I was faking it. I thought I was about their pleasure, the whole thing.
So circle back now to why we don't like to talk about it, because among my theories, one is, of course, the puritanical history of this country. It is what it is. You go to Europe clearly. You see there's boobs on TV. German families are bare naked in the sauna together. It's clearly different. But I also think that because of all the things we just said, most people are entering into their sexual career with a great deal of fear.
And that fear is, I'm inadequate. I cannot please someone. I'm expected to please them. I'm expected to know all this stuff. I don't know it. And when it comes up, all that's going to happen is it's going to expose my partner to my shortcomings or it's going to expose her shortcomings to me. There seems to be so much jeopardy in learning about it, because one would have to admit that they're undereducated and we're all trying to be everything to our partner.
And our greatest fear is that we're not doing it or we're failing. So I also think that's in the mix.
Our greatest fear is right that we're not lovable and we're going to be rejected. Right. So that we throw sex onto the mix. And you're like, well, I certainly can't, you know, mentioned that I don't know what I'm doing. So exactly what you're saying. It's like I'd much rather fake it or pretend I know than actually have someone ridicule me or shame me for it. My big thing is communication is a lubrication. I've been saying that for fifteen years.
Talk to your partner about sex. That's how you're going to learn. People are starting to do it maybe in a healthier way, I hope. But we don't bring it up because we're like I have no role models, no one's ever talked about it. So if somebody does say to their partner, like if they venture, they're like, you know what, babe? Sex last night, it was a little painful or I wasn't really into it.
We're so afraid that if someone brings up sex that we are just the biggest like our greatest fear that we are not good lovers or not love about us. And especially like giving feedback to our partners, like people can't even get the words out of their mouth about what they wanted.
Yes. I think it's so angered and codependency that your fear is that you will trigger in them their inadequacy, which. Even if you're fucking Don Juan, I still will have to adjust 15 ways to 15 different people.
So there is no you're perfect out of the gates. You know what to do. It's always going to be an evolution. Everyone's different. Everyone I've been with has been different in some degree. I'm different than my friends as I talk to them.
So we all need to accept no one's going to come out and knock a grand slam because you don't know yet, right? Exactly. There's nothing personal there.
It's just you need to read the owner's manual and we don't like asking for directions or I hate to be like gender stereotypes. We obviously don't ask for directions or they're not going to sit down and pay attention to the owner's manual. But I love what you're saying, because the truth is every partner is different. And this is the other thing I see. Like, you'll be with a guy and he's like doing something. You're like, I clearly got that from your last partner and there is no part of me that is interested in that move.
Yeah, but so the great news here is that every time you're with someone new is such a wonderful opportunity to learn and just say, I'm with a new person. We are two people together that have never been together. My best advice is just to pay attention and to breathe and to be present. But when you go to autopilot, like I've seen this before, this penis or this clitoris, this is what I do. You don't know. Like we're like snowflakes.
Every penis is different. Every vulva is different. So, like, if you just know that there's no way you could even know. But when you're with someone new, if we could start to feel comfortable even saying like, does that feel good, what do you like? And be present with how we're feeling, then we'll all be great lovers.
Yeah, I'm going to make a dumb analogy, but yeah, when you meet somebody, you don't go out to a restaurant and assume you could order off the menu for them, you're going to find out what they like to eat throughout this date and several others. And on the fifth one, you're going to suggest, oh, I found it and tell you, when I know you like this, you can't start there.
I say this food analogy similarly that like when you go to a restaurant, you know, you've had years of you're like, nope, whenever I go to Italian, I always get the chicken parm. I already know I don't love pasta as much. I don't like this kind of pizza. But I know because I've had years of eating Italian, so I know what's on the menu. I know what to order with sex. We've never gotten a menu.
We don't have an accurate menu. Or if we do it, there's like three things on it. And then we just feel that we're supposed to we're always all flailing around in the dark and then we're just like having you know, people are having pizza, sex every night, having a pizza. They're having a pizza now. They're wondering why they're bored with pizza. It's like that's how sex is for so many people. It's the same thing over and over again.
And I try to give people a menu like what is possible. And that's the thing.
It's like we're so ill equipped to be sexually empowered.
Well, there's these like, layers of patriarchal fuck. Exactly. Vestigial shit that's everywhere.
But I will say this, too, about knowing yourself is a great start. And then what's great is if you can communicate with someone and you trust them, you could discover stuff which is amazing. Like if the ball doesn't get rolling, the best case scenario is that you're going to somehow figure out a way to manipulate your way into getting what you want. But if it starts with recognizing fears, being vulnerable and then that foundation's there, then I actually think we can grow out of that is like what do we both don't even know?
We like, you know, like this openness to a whole different world.
Right. I would I would just love to see people in relationships, whether it's a one night stand or it's a long term relationship, constantly making their sex life part of the dialogue. Because I think if you're in a relationship, you decide where do you want to eat? If we get married, are we going to have kids? Are we going to live in the city? How important is our health and our spirituality and our religion? But sex, we hold on to the first three to six months of our sex life.
That's like the honeymoon phase. It's about six months to two years. And that's biological.
Like you're with somebody new and you have all the love hormones are raging and it's like the best sex ever.
Right. We get really attached to that. And then over time, it's just either it gets stale, our bodies change. So rather than exploring it and getting curious, we just sort of fumble our way through it and crave the good old days rather than saying our sex life is going to be something that we want to prioritize in our relationship. So let's decide that it's just going to be part of our ongoing dialogue and then it becomes fun. But I just am always trying to get people to get over that hurdle.
Like the first few conversations might be weird, but to just say, yeah, I was in the mood tonight, here's why. Or I listen to this podcast and I kind of got curious. You know, I realize we've never talked about our sex life, but we could start now. And what's the three most memorable times you've had sex? Like, just easy things like that to get you both like. Oh, yeah, we can kind of figure this out, but we just going back to society, we're so afraid to even broach that because that it's going to point to us that we are inferior and bad lovers and.
Humans, yeah, and do I have the biology wrong here in that? Yes, those first few months, females in particular, are getting this dump of oxytocin and they're getting a lot of different hormones that make sex so wonderful and appealing for some duration, three months, six months, whatever it is, and that guys have this evil poison coursing through their veins, which is testosterone. So their ability to sustain that is a little easier in that they have that chemical and that women in general need more novelty.
Right. Is this all right or wrong? Like so it's dangerous and RITEISH and scary and wrong.
It's right at all. Different phases like women also have testosterone. And I think it's the chemical makeup of when we get together with somebody, it is novel, it's exciting, it's new, it's spontaneous. You're having sex on the kitchen table. Can't wait to see each other's clothes off in the car. And it's just like you've never been with this person. You've never done the sex act. And that's all new. And so it is novelty for both genders.
So I don't know that it's more for men than women or for any gender. But when we come together in the beginning, I think it's just they look at the brainwave patterns of people who are falling in love or in lust. And if you've heard the study, it's the same as people who are on cocaine.
I don't doubt that for one second as an addict of both. Yeah, yeah, exactly right. Of course. And then, you know, what happens with that first bump is great, right? First few. And then you're like fruit and we don't know how to keep creating that high in a relationship. I hate to say this, but it's never going to be that right newness again.
But it could be something entirely different that is of equal value.
Yeah, yeah. And I've seen that with so many couples. They can get into a new frontier, like go deeper into their connection. And like there are so many things to explore. We have so many nerve endings on our body. We have so much capacity for pleasure. We only know like two percent of what's possible. We know the genitalia, we know the primary erogenous zones, penis, vagina, breasts, anus. But like, there's just so much more to us.
And then I just everyone just gets curious about what is possible. There's just a lot to discover. Yeah.
And there's a couple of things I want to bring up that are specifically from your master class. But I wanted to get your perspective on a couple of things before we got there. One is I have noticed a pattern. It's undeniable that when male friends of mine have been cheated on, the line of questioning is so predictable. It's insane. I can imagine.
And then when women are cheated on, they have a different line of questioning, or at least in my anecdotal circle and I want to hear from both of you guys for a guy every time they're cheating on, the first thing is like, how big is his dick is the most important thing in the world.
It's not where do you meet them? Are you guys love it? Is is he rich? You know, none of the things you'd think you'd be threatened by. It's how big was his dick and did you come?
That's like the next question. Maybe they pepper in a couple of bullshit ones, but they're going to end up with. Did you comment how big was his dick? Yeah. And of course, what I can extrapolate from that is that is Guy's biggest fears. Their biggest fears is that their penises aren't enough and that they are not giving their female partner enough orgasm or else why is that the first thing they're threatened by?
That's exactly it is do the thing about that is it's so male because women, they don't care about your penis. Men are obsessed with their penis. Oh, you don't care at all. We're like the penis is our concern. Like, are you a great lover? Do you care? You know, all the things.
But yeah, that is true, that men are like, how was he in bed? Was he bigger than me? Was he better? And then maybe they'd get to how much money does he make?
But it's always about if you had the stereotype with the female questions. Ah, I've heard like, is she prettier than me?
I think the first question is, are you in love with her? Oh, are you in love? I would say that would probably be a first question from a female if.
Yeah, Monica, I think we almost hear that from women. If we're going to play that stereotype, you know, we'd be more horrified. Like not if you had sex with her, like amazing sex, like you met her parents, you met her kids. Like the emotional connection is what I think for many women.
We're like, you talk to her three hours a night and you did all you learned all this stuff. But rather than the sex, I think that some some women might be more forgiving about it. So that is sort of the fear there is.
I'm not going to be emotionally enough for this person. Yeah, I think the fear of that you love somebody else, so I'm not worthy of love. Yeah.
Women again, stereotyping me might be more like I don't care if you had sex with her as much as I do if you have a real heart connection. Right.
And then for guys, they're like, yeah, it's OK.
Maybe you went home and, you know, you guys went for a walk in the park.
But if his dick was bigger than mine, oh, a thousand percent of guys would way rather have their wife have a super emotional affair with a. Dude even went on vacation three months of the year and took them home to meet the parents, then one night the dude with a big dick, right? Exactly. Yeah, I just think and again, I'm stereotyping and I'm speaking very broadly because there's obviously so many more options than just male and female.
But if I'm looking at male and female sex and when comparing it to when I was a kid, I think if we don't address these societal things that boys are taking on, which are ridiculous and completely erroneous, and no matter how many times you girls say it, it doesn't seem to get through. So there needs to be some kind of societal shift that men aren't walking around with that fear and that women aren't walking around with their baggage of fear.
If there's any shot of us like having this flourishing exchange, I try because I have so many guys who call into my show and they're so terrified that their penis is too small and then that shame by being upset.
It's so like for us, why can't they listen? This is what I don't they don't listen.
I'll tell you exactly why they think you're being kind and lying to them to safeguard their feelings.
Well, that is true, because if you want to dismantle society, all the stuff that we believe about sex, it's because that's what you guys have been told. It's not your fault. Like, this is never even about like me, like, oh, God, I wish guys would get over it. You've been told since the beginning of time that sex is all about your penis going into a vagina when in fact only twenty five to thirty percent of women are actually going to experience any kind of pleasure with your penis.
And that 70 percent of women, if we're talking about orgasms, will have an orgasm with your mouth, with your fingers, with your hands, like what they're concerned about with a toy. Like how were those working for you? How is your mouth skills? How are you a pleasing a partner? I'm telling you that all the time on my show. I'm just like, let me lay this down for you. That's why porn so frustrating, because I'm like.
She's not having an orgasm right now, like she's not touching her, he went right in. And so I think if we just look at the facts that I think that a woman would much rather have a guy who's a very like, slow, attentive lover who's like, how can I please you? Like, let's go slow and let me discover all these ways. Let me massage your body. Let me slowly undress you. Let me go down on you.
Let me do all these things to get their size queens for sure. Then there's guys who want large breasts. Yes, small breasts. Like I want to put in that category.
Like, sure, you'll find a woman who's just focus on the penis, but you're going to find way more women who are concerned with every other thing in your package that your package. Yeah.
Everything else you bring to the table then your penis. I think the more people listen, they realize that that's why, again, going back to, like communication and educating yourself with the partner that's in front of you. And in the other thing with penises is that there's so many guys I hear from that were like I was in the locker room, you know, when I was 18, you know, and some guys said it was small or some woman once said, well, you have a small penis and they're like 40.
Yeah. Calling into my show, like, it's really small. You can't get it out of your head.
Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.
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Well, this is what I wrestle with Monica hourly about this, Monika's very objectively beautiful, like crazy ass. Doesn't matter how many fucking people think so or how many times I tell her she just can't hear it. She refuses facts on the surface. Well, here we go. It's here. I want to be able to relate to guys. You're like, no, mom, you're just like me. These people just care about me. That's what I'm saying.
Oh, she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. She'd rather be with. I mean, it's the same.
It's OK to undo the childhood stuff that that's what we're here for. We are here to unpack all that stuff. And you're never done.
And when you're a boy, I mean, I can tell you guys as the boy here where it starts is any group of six kids that are in fifth grade are going to show each other their penises. That happens to probably 80 percent of boys and then they are ranked and that is a status in their peer group. And so it's very hard to imagine that that's not part of the status in your group, considering that that's who it's for. So it starts as a logic cult like, you know, even the dudes category is better.
Yes, yes, yes. I think that if anything, these last year, it's like, who are the people that make you feel good? Whose energy, whether it's your friends or lovers? I think we just want to get to know someone. We want to be more authentic. So when someone's in your presence, I think that, again, we're growing up like it's all about your looks and all the stuff. But when someone actually meet you and sit with you and your energy and your presence like that becomes attractive, that's the whole thing.
So much about connection is about everything, the energy, how you move to the world. It's not even just about the external.
I'm going to go further in my anecdotal experience, which is I've had a range of different lovers in some of them were people that could have been on a magazine cover, zero relationship between those two things and how pleasurable the intimacy was.
The greatest lovers are the ones. This is why I talk so much about masturbation, because I truly think that that was a game changer for me when I realized, like, oh, I got to stop faking orgasms and being all about the guy, like getting into my body. Like, I think that's what made me a better lover of being more present was like, oh, now I know what feels good. I know how to move. I know what I want, what I don't want to.
That, I truly think is the sexiest and most attractive thing when you're like in your body, you know what you want and you're comfortable, like no matter what size and shape. But, you know, I think all the years and I would just sort of be performance like I think women are raised to be so performative in the bedroom.
Yeah, well, again, watch a porno. So the guy thinks he has the last for an hour and just hammer away. And till the multiple orgasms happen in the girl thing, she's got to scream as loud as she can. Yes.
And so yeah, we're both getting fucked like it's not even about men or what. Yes, maybe men. The patriarchy funds more porn and porn is more made by the male gaze for men. But that's why I want to like us all to be like, what are we all need individually? Like put your own mask on, put your own hand down your pants for us. What is that like? When do you feel the most beautiful, the most sexual, the most confident?
And I think that for me, it's come from just truly understanding that. I mean, I had to untangle all of the stuff from being performative. So like when women call in their 20s, they're like, oh, how do I give a good blowjob? And how do I I'm like, OK, well, I'll answer that. But tell me, how do you get off? Like, yeah. Have you orgasms because I don't know Dexter the penis in the room now.
Like don't you think a woman who knows herself is Oh I'm going to go back in, I'm and just put a little tiny finer point on what I was saying earlier about the range of lovers I've had. The thing I want to be specific about, it's not that I think hot people are just going to lay there because they don't really have to do anything more. It's probably more that I had sex with the hot person because they were hot. And then the other lovers I was attracted to because I was talking to them and we were on some wavelength.
And then it turns out that that wavelength was a shared sexuality and there was a communication and there was like a creativity. And by and large, that mental connection has made for such more explosive and fulfilling physical interactions because it's the mind play that's happening, which you're not selecting for with the hot person in general. Right, exactly.
You're like, I don't need to know anything else about her. She's hot. Right. So there was no other depth to it.
And then. Yes, to your pleasure thing, I think what I would most want in a lover would be that they love masturbating. They love pleasure. They love giving themselves pleasure. They are pursuing that goal for themselves because I want to be a part of that. I don't want to be a part of someone trying to be something. I want to like a lock on to the train that's steaming down the tracks and go for a ride.
Right? I mean, you want someone who knows because you don't want to be the one who's only dealing one getting pleasure. But that's a growth thing because maybe younger guys like I don't even know that. Well, this goes back to the comprehensive sex ed. And guys are just like assuming younger men, maybe, but some older who never get this message that it is about their pleasure at how a woman performs for them.
But once you get more knowledge, you realize that I definitely want a woman who knows her body and can share stuff with me.
Well, I just want to say, while you're on this topic in the master class, you make the statement that you're responsible for your orgasm. You've got to stop this paradigm where my partners got to give me an orgasm. And it's now all the powers and the partners and none of it's yours.
Then you go back to why we don't talk about sex.
There is so much shame around self pleasure that it's like, oh, if you grew up in a home or an environment or culturally, religiously. And they were like, don't touch yourself, don't masturbate, you're going to go blind once you get married. All of that stops. You never just go, oh, maybe that was bullshit. Maybe that doesn't serve me anymore. Like maybe I no longer believe that and it doesn't even have to be that corrosive.
So I grew up in a nonreligious house with a mother who was super duper liberal and Prosek's. But I didn't have a dad there to go like, hey, by the way, you're going to start wanting to jerk off. And that's fine. Just that puzzle piece missing. And then whatever I consumed from media, I felt tremendous shame masturbating. I tried to stop all the time. I was always trying to quit masturbating and I didn't even have that other shit.
Right. That's exactly it. You didn't have that. But you're like, there's probably something wrong with it, because everything that has to do with sex is sort of dirty and seedy and wrong, except for procreation. Even if no one told you that you somehow get the message from society that it's somehow wrong. And then the other things people reach out about is like is masturbation.
Cheating is watching porn cheating and like masturbation can be. Yeah, all the time. I think I just last night someone called in, they're like, is it cheating my partner or we get jealous. Thing is, I've ever been like twenty four and my boyfriend was watching porn and I was so confused because I saw what he was watching and I thought, does he want me to have blond hair? Does he want me to have bigger, larger breasts like you want me to have three penises in me.
I was actually right. Well that's the other thing. Like, Oh, so you're like, what am I doing wrong? What do you tell people about that? Because I do think in relationships porn is an issue for a lot of people. It is. And they think it's cheating or it's not allowed or what's your stance on that? It's a great question because it's like my stance is that like anything, so to say, the extreme side of porn, yes, it can become a problem.
Like if you're doing it so much like we can go to that extreme, if you're doing it so much that it becomes you can no longer get aroused by your partner. You have to keep escalating the kind of porn you're watching that it is like eighteen million penises in gangbangs. And like now your real partner is like doesn't do it for you and you're obsessed with doing it and it has a consequence. Right. Like that's how, you know, with addiction it's a consequence and you can no longer get to work because all you're doing is masturbating.
It's a problem. But like just your run of the mill masturbation, watching porn is actually part of being sexually healthy overall. It's actually a really healthy thing. And I always, like your partner is going to masturbate with you without you. They did it before they met you. They're going to do it in the relationship. So I think normalising it. And talking about it and even like letting your partner know this is kind of makes me uncomfortable. I think that's OK to talk about.
But then to realize that a lot of the people I hear that from is they don't have their own practice of masturbation. So you hear it more from women than men. That one, I will say that I hear it from women every day who are like, is it cheating? Is it wrong? And I understand that, too, because again, all the things I talk about, I went through that. It's just a confusing message because I was young and I thought our sex was the best ever.
Like we are having the best sex of our lives at twenty four. And how could you want that?
They got it right.
Usually there's so many things underlying it. So let's say a woman calls in and I'm like talking about it. It's always like a little bit of her baby, her own insecurities or her last partner for every person they have their story. Her last partner cheated on her. Maybe her last partner was actually addicted to porn. So it's a trigger. Maybe she felt like she actually had never had an orgasm herself. So it was confusing. Typically, what is getting us with our partner, what's frustrating us and people like my partner does this and that, it's always about our own stuff.
Yeah, I also think even talking about porn being good or bad is the same as saying, is alcohol good or bad? Well, for twenty one percent of America, alcohol is very destructive and terrible and for 80 it's wonderful. So I think what happens in these conversations with couples, the ones I've been aware of, is they feel a lot safer and a lot less vulnerable improving that what's being done is pathological or morally wrong or an addiction as opposed to the harder course, which is I'm threatened by that.
I'm worried you're not attracted to me. I'm worried I'm not enough. Like that conversation is solvable. You giving your moral judgment on the entire world of pornography and holding that line is, I don't think, productive. Exactly. And a lot of guys. Yeah, there's a lot of guys out there regulating their emotions with pornography, and it's pathological and destructive. And that's a conversation. But it still isn't even a conversation about the morality of pornography.
No, you're absolutely right to just declare it's all bad or it's all good with anything. You're right. So we will kind of handle their porn and that's exactly what it is. And so I love what you said about like if we could have those conversations and say, babe, when you watch porn, it actually makes me feel less desirable. It triggers my not enough thing that I have.
You know, I have that thing and I'm like, oh, but, you know, babe, what do you need to feel? And then you could get like really real and be like it makes me feel vulnerable, like, oh, I don't need to feel that way. And then if you could get to the next layer would be like, well, what would you need to feel attractive like what would you need from me in this moment to feel the most lovable.
But if your approach is I'm amoral, I'll fight that to the day I'm dead. Yeah. Who gives you the right to tell me what? It's just not acceptable conversation.
You will never win that. And that's why we want people to you know, I know you guys want the same things. You just get into the real vulnerability of the fights because the fights about good and bad and right and wrong and relationships never go well. And so many couples have those, not just porn, but everything.
I like that you said one of your responses is what are you doing for yourself? Because I guess part of the reason certain women really despise the idea of their partner looking at porn is they think like, well, I'm doing everything that you want, like I'm trying to be perfect for you. Why am I not right? And I think if they switch their mindset to, like, what do I want? What do I like? Right. Then it kind of takes the focus off.
You're not able to please them. It's like, well, what about you?
Well, yeah, she said where Jimmy is like, forget what you were giving him or not giving him. What do you want exactly?
What do you want? That's exactly it. I go back every time with someone. I'm like, what do you want? What's about you? Because once we fill our own cup and you're like, you go watch all the porn you want because I'm having a really good time.
You're getting to know my body like I know exactly what I want.
Yeah. Fill my cup up one hundred percent and I'm not going to give a fuck what you do after that. Yeah.
Then that's attractive to to a partner who's going through their own sexual awakening. And I think we all want that. But until we really take the time to really learn to understand our own machinery and our own connection to our sexuality, it's really hard to be in healthy relationships, I think. And again, I don't think you're ever done. That's the big joke at the end of life. Like, no matter what you do, there's always layers to pull back, know that you never just get there.
People think sex is like I learn to golf, like I took a few lessons. Now I can golf like I learned sex check. You don't ever learn sex like you don't ever just learn health. You're never just I'm healthy. It's a lifelong process of becoming comfortable with your body, your desires, your desires change over time. Like sometimes you might be into like kinky or things, but then you're like, can we just have vanilla sex? You know, sometimes you're into toys, sometimes you're not.
You know what I'm saying? Like, and to give yourself permission to grow and change is part of what's going to make. Your sex life really rich and complex and go the distance with you, but when we constantly get attached to this one place of how sex should be made, that's also holds us back.
Yeah. Could you tell us overall, like, I think a lot of people probably did, prioritize their sexual wellness, but I would like you to tell us what the impact of sexual wellness is on your overall wellness.
I do talk about this in the master class a lot. We do prioritize it. We put it on the back burner. We don't even really think it matters or it becomes messy. So we just say, well, we'll get back to our sex life. What we also don't realize is a lot of the reasons why we're not feeling well overall, like mentally, not well or physically is because we are not sexually healthy and sexually. Well, you know, even orgasms.
Right. Are really important for our well-being. Like, they also help with, you know, our overall moods. It can boost immunity. That can clear our skin. We have the burst again of those feel good hormones. It can change your mood. Like sometimes I'll even forget. I'm like, oh, yeah, I haven't masturbated food. OK, I feel better having a healthy sexual relationship. And again, whether it's with our self, like we're single, I'm single or with a partner, it's still something that we have to put in our bucket.
Like we're going to work out, we're going to eat healthy, we're going to go to a religious place and we're going to prioritize our sexual health and wellness during the last five to ten years that we even have industries looking at sexual health and wellness as a category. It was always like the bastard child of the health industry, and it's still sort of is. So I think that we don't realize that sex is so many more things. It's connection, it's love, it's intimacy, it's our bodies.
And so I just want people to unpack it and prioritize it in a way that will change your overall life because we feel sexually confident and healthy and connected, it's going to impact every other area of our life.
Well, I don't know. These are wives tales or they're backed by science. But I grew up learning that you should masturbate when you're sick because what you just said, it boosts your immune system. It can help you get over a cold. And I heard that women should masturbate when they're having menstrual issues.
Yes. Helps with PMS. Yeah, absolutely. That's the last time we think we should masturbate. Oh, I'm uncomfortable. Or like I've cramps. Like, I just want to sit here and eat ice cream in bed. And I am telling you, like it's prescriptive, like an orgasm a day, get a toy, do whatever it changes your state. You have that rush again. You've serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin.
Yeah. Well, I like what Esther Burrell says. Like, if you think of eroticism as it's true Latin kind of definition, which is really zest for life, it's something that makes you flourish. Yeah. Now I want to set you up for one of your main messages. You're very in favor of lube. Can you tell us the value of lube? Walk us through lube. I know you. OK, so I'm obsessed with lube and I.
What am I. Visions is a lube on every nightstand. Lube gets such a bad rap like, oh, I'm going to get the lube out. You know, if she's dry or there's uncomfortable gets under the bed, it's we're hiding it.
And the truth is, is that 80 percent of women were more likely to orgasm when you add lube to any sexual situation. So I'm talking masturbation, any kind of sexual penetration, anything, because our clitoris is not going to lubricate itself is the one thing. And that's where all the magic is, but also our wetness level. So this is the other thing we're told. Oh, baby, you're so wet, you're so turned on that that signals to a man.
I'm doing it right. My penis was big enough. She's turned on all the things.
This is the female equivalent of erectile dysfunction. I think that's why lubes nowhere. Because it feels like a failure on the woman's part. Exactly.
It feels like a failure. But let me tell you this. To just make everyone feel a little bit better about it is that you might be really wet and not turned on. You might be super turned on and not wet, or you might be wet at the beginning of sex, but you're not. Ten minutes later. It's not a clear indicator of your arousal.
Well, I don't want to get dark, but it's come up in a lot of these recent rape cases, which is that's part of the defense is like, oh, well, she was very wet. And it's like, well, she was afraid for her life and was aroused in all the ways a body itself. It by no means means she was enjoying it.
Exactly. That doesn't mean anything that is true, I think, because it's a protective mechanism to get wet. But what we don't understand and what we don't have a lot of knowledge about is that our hormones play a huge factor in attraction and arousal and desire. And for different times of month, as women move through different stages of their cycles, you're going to be wet. And this is different for every woman. Maybe you're wet before your period, but that after you're a little bit drier.
And so just to say, like, I literally do have like three different moves on my nightstand, get a pump bottle of lube and just put it in your hands before you do anything. You're guaranteed that it's going to feel better because also if it's too dry, this is when you can get tearing. A STI infection, it's painful that when you just say, like, I will not have sex without lube and it's funny because a lot of my listeners, too, are just like I got it.
I'm like, they send me pictures. Like I got the leave on the nightstand.
I heard one of your callers and the guy was like, yeah, we have three bottles on the nightstand. We had to clean up before the housekeeper came. Right.
Like, just put them out there and use it. So that is one of my big things to get rid of the shame and the lube because it's a game changer. It's funny because I didn't when I started, I wasn't like, this is going to be like a thing. But then I realized, oh, my God, no. People still feel this way about lube.
Well, listen, I want people to listen to your master class because I think we all are painfully in the dark when it comes to sex and sexuality and pleasing ourselves. And I think you're providing a great service with this master class. And I have one last question before we go, which is our dudes super intimidated to sleep with you.
Do you know that that's like the top question I get asked? Is it can I just say we have a friend whose mother teaches tantric sex? Yeah. And I said, man, if I met your mom, I'd be very nervous to have sex with her because I don't know how to fucking have tantric sex like 12 hours. It's a very intimidating.
It's funny because my mom just asked me that last week. She's like, I got intimidated to date you. So I started sex with Emily, my podcast 15 years ago. And I was like, I'm just no, it's I'm not intimidating.
I'm just like a nice girl from Michigan who loves Lub and loves Lil Little. Did I know then how much I would love to live like so I was like, no, I'm just I'm like a normal chick who's in the bedroom and figuring it out. And now I do think that after 15 years and a doctorate, human sexuality and then you get a master class of like, oh, now you're the master of sex. I'm like, fuck, it's going to be even harder to date.
Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like that they probably are. But then once you meet me, I'm such a in a way it's like really is my job. I talk about it 24/7. I love, I love what I do.
I'm passionate about educating people.
And, you know, I think that the guys that get to my bedroom are like they're not intimidated.
They're at peace with the whole thing.
But then I've asked them afterwards, I'm like, well, you know, sometimes, like, I wish I could never did a good job because I didn't know you were. I mean, they picture that I'm there with, like, a bullhorn, like yelling like a left to the right.
It's not my clitoris. Oh, I'm so not that fail.
I give you an E.
Well, your podcast is awesome sex with Emily, so everyone should listen to that. They should also watch your master class and they should just embrace and explore and go into these uncharted waters because it's it's so fun.
That's what I want for people. I wanted to take out the shame. Yeah, it's game.
Well, Emily, thank you so much. Thanks for the work you do. And I can't wait to talk to you again. Yeah.
Thanks for having me. Yeah. All right. You take care. Bye bye. Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.
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Mine are really cute. I've rolled up my cuffs to show off my bomas because they're so attractive. Yeah, they're nice, good looking. Let me tell you, Obama, they make the most comfortable socks in the history of feet. They've literally rethought every little detail of socks we wear to make them way more comfortable. I wear them every day. They're beautiful. They're flashy. I like a nice flashy sock and the support is off the charts.
It really has a good, like, thick layer, but doesn't feel too much in your shoe. It's not cumbersome. Yeah, OK.
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Hello, Monastir Mom.
Hello, how are you doing? I'm good. It's almost Valentine's Day.
It is. You know what I'm going to be doing this weekend? What? It's the Daytona 500. Can I just say life is really shaping up for us because Top Gear is now a sponsor, CarMax a sponsor and NASCAR is a sponsor.
Yeah, this is really turning into automotive. Automotive Eden.
Yeah. Can I tell you something? Yeah. Do you know who owns a NASCAR team now? Danny Ricardo. Even better. Who. Michael Jordan. Really? Yes. Michael Jordan bought a NASCAR team. Really? Your favorite one three I'm in, by the way.
I wonder if it's going to have twenty three on the team. Let me tell you something even cooler than that. Do you know who has drivers?
Oh, Bubba Wallace. Really?
How cool is that? Oh my God, I love this.
Yeah, we've got to get Bubba Wallace on the show, by the way. Yeah, I really want to. Yeah, OK. That's not where it even ends. Pit Bull has a team. Jesus, all these.
Do you have a team. Well you're right. Why don't I have a team for me. You know, it's kind of like a tradition.
You know, I'm saying I look forward to it. It's like the Super Bowl, like there's a nostalgia aspect for him.
But Monica, they go two hundred miles an hour for five hundred miles. That makes sense.
And then they get an incredible crashes in parts are flying up in the sky. People are taking flight. Oh, God. So exciting. So listen, if you wanna watch it with me, OK, it's on two thirty eastern on Fox. OK, ok.
Meet DAX there. Everyone's invited to meet me there. So listen, I encourage you Monaco to watch it. It's the great American race, the Daytona 500 on this Sunday at two thirty PM Eastern on Fox. And I promise you will not be disappointed.
Michael Jordan be there. I bet he will be there. You're the team owner. I'm going to watch. All right.
Two thirty eastern on Fox, and that is Valentine's Day. So you're probably gonna have to do that and then you're going to have to do something lovey dovey. And what do you think that?
Well, we have a bad we have a really bad track record. I was going to ask you, like, do you guys do stuff?
We don't really do anything. Yeah. And then what tends to happen? And I don't know why this is always the case, but I generally am always out of town. Oh, weird. It started right when we started dating the first Valentine's Day. I went to Afghanistan. Oh. And then I went again in two thousand nine on Valentine's Day.
So romantic to two of three years. I was in a little mountain scape during Valentine's Day.
Do you believe in, you know, like some people. So people are really anti Valentine's Day, which everyone's entitled to their own opinions on everything. But I think it's nice and I've never literally never had a Valentine.
Oh, come on. No, I like my mom was my Valentine.
No, not like my mom. You know what I like?
Your dad never asked you to be around to know why he doesn't know about Valentine's Day. Oh, that makes sense. Does he do anything for your mom? Probably not. Yeah. It's hard for a guy to wrap his head around.
I think you know why? I think it's can be triggering. It feels like a trap. It feels like this day that has been created by presumably Hallmark or some company to be a trap where everyone has to be evaluated on how thoughtful they are towards the person they love. And to me, I'm like, no, no, just be thoughtful all year long.
I think it's just a nice day to be like, hey, I love you. You're special to me and you don't have to do anything super crazy. But I just think it's a nice look. We have like national, you know, popcorn day.
Like, I think it's OK to the day that celebrates love.
Love is important. I agree. But can I just give it to you from the guy's perspective? Because it's this I've had this experience like eight times and it's hysterical. You go to the flower shop on Valentine's Day and in line are thirty confused guys looking around going like, oh, no, it's it's only supposed to get like the kind that really.
Well, that's not thoughtful.
I know everyone like that going and just getting some generic flowers and then expecting some guy says, look, I got to see how I canceled the one 800 flowers I sent you.
You don't have to get people flowers like, you know, that's what I say.
Yes, I get that. But I've just I would I wish you could see. In fact, you should you should go to a fucking flower shop on Valentine's Day and just look at all the dumb guys there. They're all also scared. They don't know what they're doing and they're panicked and it's hysterical. Imagine that there was a holiday where every woman went to O'Reilly's and bought auto picked out auto parts for their husband.
You're making it about. The woman doesn't have to be the guy no guy in the world wants to celebrate Valency. Oh, you don't like being told that you're loved? Of course I like that.
That's a that seems like a weird null hypothesis. No, it doesn't. That's literally what I love being told. I am loved. Yeah. Yeah.
But I am not expecting someone to go out and buy me some colorful thing to tell me that I don't think it's I don't I think that's a stereotype that women expect like a big bouquet of flowers. It can just be a celebration of love.
Well, yeah, that'd be great if that's what it was. I am saying no man is expecting anything on Valentine's Day. And I do think women are expecting something. There is a big, big gender difference here in this holiday.
Yeah, a lot of couples I know they like do something for Valentine's Day opposed a presence. It's like they have a date. Yeah.
OK, so then then then becomes my next complaint. OK, so you can try to go to a restaurant, a Valentine's Day. Too crowded. It's just a beating, the whole thing.
So right now it's just it's like why do we all pick this data? Like, here's what I love you. Everyone should at least more than once a year take their honey to a nice restaurant with the sole purpose of saying, I love you and appreciate you. Yeah, I don't love that it's coordinated. That's me.
Okay, but that's just because you don't like being told what to do. Why? I don't like trying to eat at a restaurant on the busiest day of the year. I would never like if you just told me the busiest day in the restaurant world is March 18th.
I go, guess what day? I'm not going out to March, March 18th.
Sure I'm not. No one asked do any of my points I'm making.
Yes, but this is so far off of them what I'm saying, which is some people have a really big anti Valentine's Day thing. And I think that's silly. I think it's a it's nice to tell people you love them. And if today is a day that we like, recognize that, that's nice.
I think it doesn't not have to be about gifts or flowers or chocolate or whatever.
Well, then I'm in lock step with you. OK, great. Yeah, I, I love love. Me too. It's so lovely. I know it's the neatest thing that us monkeys do on this planet. Exactly. It's the one thing that the aliens look down on and they really, they like it.
I think the aliens like Valentine's Day. Yeah, I wonder if they just more notice, like, wow, everyone went out to eat today.
That's a weird coincidence then that happened last year around this time.
Again, I'm saying this is someone who's never. I should be the person who's like, if Valentine and I did, I do have people who feel that way and it reminds them that they're alone and I think no, like, reinvent that you're not alone. There's so many people in your life that love you and that you love. And you can make that day about that. Well, that's what I'm saying.
I asked my sister to be my Valentine, Alice. My daughters would be my Valentine. Like I ask a lot of people to be my Valentine. It's a great day to have a Valentine. It is. Yeah. I remember in class.
Yes, I was just about everybody. You say, will you be my valentine to everybody in your class?
Did you like those little chalky heart candies? I tasted terrible love reading. Yeah, me too. Yeah, me too. The white ones were pretty good.
They're bad. The first six you'd you hated and then you just kind of get into a rhythm of it. You keep eating them and then you convince yourself like the 20th one was good.
Oh, in my high school I don't remember if this was Valentines or if this was like just a random day, but there was carnation buying.
Oh sure. So stressful. So then you're going to not be someone who got one delivered. Is that how it worked? Yes. So there's carnations in you.
You buy them from the school and then you give them to people. And so then it's like this contest. Who has the most like some girls walking around with like twenty Kaname.
Oh, just a big floral arrangement. I just thought of one thing that you should know, which is I'm from Michigan. So that's part of my issue, because in Michigan we fucking celebrate Swedish state. You know this. No. Oh, my God. Yes. Nobody knows that. That doesn't live in Michigan.
No, I think maybe they do. In Ohio, we have a fucking we have to Valentine's Day in Michigan, OK? We have sweetest, sweetest. Yes. OK, this completely made up by Hallmark and it work for some reason, us Michiganders. We're like, we love that. So twice a year you're supposed to buy something just for the sake of buying it to say you love somebody. So I think I hit capacity between sweetest day and Valentine's Day.
I was like, what is what does that even mean? Sweetest. It's so stupid. Shall I look it up for you?
Yes, because I'm telling you, it's just Valentine's Day. It's a second fucking Valentine's Day.
Oh, Sweetest Day is a holiday that is celebrated in Midwestern United States, parts of northern Iowa and in Florida, especially Tampa, Florida. Oh, wow. On this on the third Saturday in October, it is a day to share romantic deeds or expressions and acts of of charity and kindness. Sweetest Day has also been referred to as Hallmark Holiday or a concocted promotion created by Candy Industries solely to increase sales.
So I get it. I get the if there could be a big expectation in certain relationships and then that would be stressful.
And just women in their friendship circle having to say what their sweetest get got for them. I remember when I was working at the summer for this race team when I was 15 and one of the guys had just moved up from, I think, Illinois or something, and his wife was not talking to him that day because he hadn't gotten early for me to stay. And he's like, we just moved here. I didn't even know that was a holiday.
Oh, you're mad at me. And he was in the doghouse.
I just think it's hysterical that in her first year there, she was like, this is a holiday we're celebrating.
Yeah. That we didn't know about a month ago.
So, Emily, talk to us about sex. Can I pause you? Yeah, the most important fucking part of this whole day is three years, sister. Oh, three.
Is your. I forgot this is our anniversary armchair experts anniversary. I was remembering that most of the argument we just had. I wanted to get to the part where I said congratulations and happy three year anniversary, which is so much more important than any of the things we're talking about.
To me, definitely more important than sweetest day of the another high five, big high five.
That's the sound of a high five. Thank you, armchair. Yes. You're our sweetest. You are sweetest day for real. We are so grateful. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah.
You cannot imagine what you've given us.
Also, it's been a year also since Monica and Jess. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So it's been a year since that release and some people were asking about it recently on a comment thread and, you know, just putting it out that we are going to do a season two.
So, you know, hold your horses and no one wants a season two to kick off in quarantine. I don't I want you guys to get out on the town and do some show.
We're doing something different with season two. It's kind of like we learned about ourselves in season one, got a lot of information. And in season two, we're kind of putting that a little more into action.
Even though there were action steps last time. This is a little bit different. It's going to be fun. Skipping next level. The rubber is going to meet the road.
Yeah, OK, you're going to go on so many dates, OK? OK, so Emily, talk to us about sex, sexual activity.
Never had it. She made it sound good though. I'm thinking about trying. Are you okay. Great sex is interesting. It is. I think, you know, I've got my own pulpit. I stand on and preach about sex. Yeah. Which is I'm always so angry. It's such a sensitive topic. It drives me nuts.
It's just I hate puritanical stuff. Yeah. It's like this great gift everyone has. It's the greatest gift that is given to humans. I mean as far as like just pleasure in and transcendence and it's not a drug. You don't have a hangover. It's good for your cardiovascular system. It's good for everything in your body. It's wonderful. And then they've piled all the shame on top of it.
And that angers me is a beautiful, pure thing.
There's shame, but there's also it's weaponized and it can be can be used as a drug for sure. So it's not just pure bliss. There's a lot that goes along with sex that can be negative, which is why separate from being shamed. Yeah, but more complicated than I think you lay it out.
Well, I would just say, though, that I would put those things in different categories. To me, that sounds a little bit like saying like when people wanted gay marriage and people are like, let's just legalize pedophilia. It's like, well, hold on. Pedophilia and gay marriage are not comparable in any sense in someone being a sexual predator. And what I'm talking about, the joy of sex between two people who love each other, those aren't the same things.
So I'm talking about the joy of intimacy with somebody that you love.
And then there's this other perversion of it, a bastardization of it. But I don't think those aren't the same thing.
But you're not just talking about intimacy with someone you love. You're saying there's shame around sex. Sex does not have to be with someone you love.
No, it doesn't have to be. But sex, consensual sex is nothing that someone should feel shameful about it. Masturbation is not something which I agree.
And the pleasures of the self are not to be a source of shame. I agree. But consensual sex is one portion of the pie. And I don't mean like pedophilia is the other portion or sexual predators. It's like even within relationship, sex can be used negatively. So but I agree that there shouldn't should not be shame around it.
And that is the core of secrecy. I don't understand the secrecy. Right, right. Right. I mean, that's true. I don't understand our total acceptance and embracing of violence and not sex. That that to me seems like we have some pretty fucked up priorities as a society. Yeah, I agree.
OK, so she said, how many nerve endings are there in the human body?
So according to one of the things I found, it said over seven trillion nerve's in the human body, the clitoris, OK, I don't know what that is, has eight, 8000 nerve endings and it's doubled in the penis.
Double the nerve endings. I'm not surprised. Yeah. Yeah, you shouldn't be.
Do you? This feels like a good time to retell this story. I know I've told you before, but this is just to say how unique Laura LaBeau was. She said there's a lot of nerve endings in the anus. Some people find it pleasurable and some don't. Should I check how many are in the anus?
Yeah. Well, the anus is the clitoris we're all ignoring God, my computer, I noticed you were really pushing hard on the end, doesn't work and it's like you need it.
I think it's because remember that dog, when we were on vacation in Michigan, dullards dog, yes, he ran on my computer.
OK, got some sand under everything. And since then, the thing has not been.
Do you want to defend MLU? His wife listens to the show.
Yeah. Dollar is a dollar. OK, at Dollar Hillview. I cannot believe you remember that.
I remember anyone's game. I only remember it because so often I have to ask Kristen what's his name. I always am trying to remember. It's such a unique name.
It sure is Dollard. OK, just as the R.A. has a relatively high concentration of nerve endings on University of Michigan. Ding, ding.
Oh my God. I'm not surprised. That surprises Kirby a little Michiganders with our sweetest date. This is why we have sweet.
Is that OK? Eight thousand. We already know that. Oh, there are two muscles that surround the anus. These muscles are called the internal and internal anal sphincter and the external anal sphincter. The internal sphincter muscle is said to be involuntary, meaning that we cannot control the muscle. It keeps the canal closed. Most of the time, the external sphincter is responsible for 15 to 20 percent of control of stool leakage. Oh, this muscle is voluntary.
This was sexy. You got unsexy. It's still leakage going to. We do have control over this muscle.
These muscles work with the. Wow.
Puberty to Pew, Barack Delice, Niebuhrian, Tallas sounds like a dinosaur muscle to close the anus to help prevent stool leakage when you cough, sneeze, exercise, etc..
All right. Wow.
So sexual stool job, Michigan. I don't feel like I'm regularly finding enough stool. Well, that's because your sphincter is working. OK. OK, don't get too cocky over there. I'm not. I'm not OK. A 2016 survey of 1000 ish 11 to 16 year olds in Britain, of the roughly half who had seen pornography, 53 percent of boys and thirty nine percent of girls said it was realistic. And in the recent Indiana University national survey, only one in six boys and one in four girls believe that women in online porn were not actually experiencing pleasure.
As one suburban high school senior boy told me, this was a New York Times article.
I've never seen a girl in poses from Boys in Sex. We interviewed Peggy Orenstein. No, we did a whole episode with Peggy Orenstein on a lot of the stuff. It's worth going back and listening to. If this if this was interesting to you, if we didn't lose yet still.
Yeah, OK. The boys said, I've never seen a girl in porn who doesn't look like she's having a good time. It's not surprising, then, that some adolescents use porn as a how to guide. In a study that Rathmann carried out in twenty sixteen of seventy two high schoolers ages 16 and 17 teenagers are part of that. Porn was their primary source for information about sex more than friends, siblings, schools or parents. Mm hmm.
So. Fifty three percent of boys and thirty nine percent of girls said it was realistic. I saw that stat on two different articles. Again, not to bring it back to my original point, but that's the result of being puritanical. The fact that parents can't talk to their kids, teachers can't talk to kids. No one can talk to kids about it because it's so shame ridden and awkward that they're forced to learn it from there.
Yeah, I mean, I agree with that. But also this is saying more than friends. So I think there is also just something specific about porn that can have an addictive quality and then just reshape all of your ideas of what sex should be for sure.
But the fact that there's never been a class where they go, listen, pornography is out there, it's actors having sex and quite often the females acting. Also, these are all written and directed by men. So this is a male fantasy, like at least if that had been explicit, explain before they ever consumed it, they wouldn't maybe say only one in six doesn't think they're having pleasure, like they might still watch it. I'm not saying people are going to watch porn.
Of course they're going to, but their understanding of it might be different. Yeah. And the only thing we're really nervous about is how what they're interpreting. Yes.
Out of this. Yeah, I agree.
We talked about how some people think watching porn constitutes cheating and was wondering if there are any statistics on how many people actually think that. So there was a survey from you, porn of the over twenty four thousand women surveyed in a month. Thirty two percent of women in relationships agree that watching any type of porn without their significant other around was cheating. That's about three in 10 women. Yeah, I'm not in that group, yeah. Do you think it's cheating?
I wish Kristen was watching porn.
I think everyone has to come up with their own rules within the relationship. You're saying. But but I personally would not care.
No, right. I mean, look, I'm also I also get that it brings up insecurities. Of course, like if you find out, you know, your partner's watching a bunch of porn to something that you don't do or don't look like or, you know, it can make you feel inadequate, I think. Of course.
And we talked about this exact thing in the episode with Emily, but you're missing the point that you're going to attack pornography as opposed to say I feel less thing. Yeah, exactly. And so there's no productive end to you think porn's evil and I don't. Yeah. And also, I think it's a convenient thing to hang it on because anyone who thinks their partner is not attracted to other human beings is just very naive. Anyone who doesn't understand that everyone has many interests and many sexual fantasies, they're just lying to themselves because it's porn.
It's like something specific to point out. But if porn wasn't in the mix, the thing you're apparently worried about is still happening. There's just no porn, right? It just feels like a scapegoat. I guess that's the easiest way for me to say it. Yeah, and you're right. Some people full on porn addiction as bad as drug addiction. I've heard about people, dude. I saw it, you know, because I lahn split on the motorcycle.
So I seen people's car all the time. Yeah, I told you this. I saw a fucking guy at the stoplight in the left hand turn lane watching on his phone porn. Yeah. My God, this guy can't even drive home without a watch. Yeah. Should I tell everyone my stance on porn? Sure.
I'm not crazy interested in it.
Of all the things I've been addicted to, I certainly watch a good deal of porn in my life, but I watch it probably a few times a year. Yeah. And I can't buy into the notion that they're liking it. That has to be a very specific porn for me to enjoy it. Like it's got to be almost a couple. Yeah.
Who I can really believe are into each other and into the thing because because they're not so painful experience most of the time. But I'm actually I want to see someone in a deep state of pleasure. Right. That's what is appealing to. Yeah.
Yeah. It's complicated. I feel lucky.
There's just been like a couple of addiction things I've dodged the bullet on. Yeah. Eating, gambling and this and shopping. I mean yes and no.
I mean there's always a car in my head that I'm buying and redoing, but I don't do it pathologically.
Yeah, you don't. And you don't use shopping as a escape like I do often. Yeah.
Happy Valentine's Day. Happy three year, happy three years. Happy, sweetest day in October.
Can I tell you something? What I think that we're celebrating three years because we're best friends. Yeah. And I think that's a big part of this. The reason this thing works.
And I think you I think you and we have a connection to our armed charities.
We do. We've met thousands of them at this point. They're all amazing. I don't understand. There's has yet to be a jerk. There was a couple of people that are too drunk, but like two of them.
Forty thousand those guys are in there was one.
We had to change the format of the question. Yeah, yeah. But they were having fun. Yeah. They weren't a jerk.
No, it's a little too they're a little overservice.
It's hard to meet that many thousand people. And you like everyone. We're really lucky. Yeah. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hope you're in line right now at a florist pulling your hair out, terrified you're not going to do a good enough job. I love you. Bye bye.