Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Sheppard. I'm joined by Monica Monsoon.

Okay, the people can tell us because I think we've been saying that.

I don't. Do you remember that, Rob? Yeah, it was on a T-shirt. Right, exactly. It was on a T-shirt?

Yes, it was a real thing.

You were Dan Rathers, and she was Monica Monsoon. I love it. You sound like, and I'm sure this is what I said last time, you sound like a meteorologist. Like Dallas Rains, our local meteorologist. Oh, yeah. Now Rob's got an actual It's a monsoon. Sure. It's her. As a Monsoon?

No, it's like a super hero. It's that superhero. With the microphone.

Oh, yeah. And you was Dan Rathers. I'm happy to rediscover it. I got just as excited as a whole new go-around. There's you wearing it. Okay. I'm very hands in the cookie jar. It has nothing to do with Jason Bateman. A little. Kind of. Yeah. We like to talk about anatomy with him.

Sure. Lipping styles and preferences. We were talking about yarning, which led to the whole thing. You'll hear it in the fact check.

You'll hear at all. Jason Bateman is here, my good friend, an actor, a director, a producer, and a podcast host. Of course, Ozark, Arrested Development, Horrible Bosses, The Change of Zutopia, and Smartless. We love Jason Bateman. He's so much fun. I'm so glad he came by. So fun. He is. He's terribly fun.

He's terrible and fun.

He's terrible and he's fun. Kind of true. Oh, but before we enjoy J Bate, we have some armchair anonymous prompts for March. Okay, get out your pen and your paper. Tell us about a time you cheated. There's a myriad of ways one can cheat. Don't feel limited to romantic.

Think outside the box.

Absolutely. Surprise us. Tell us about a time someone took the fall for you. Fall guy story. Fall girl story. Tell us about a time you were in a cult.

Oh, man, I can't wait for that one.

Now, what I like is that a lot of the times on Armchair Anonymous, the stories we hear lead to new prompts.

Oh, New New Year's Resolution's gone bad.

Yes, from New Year's Resolution's gone bad. It prompted a cult prompt. So last, tell us a crazy amusement park story. So tell us about a time you cheated. Tell us about a time someone took the fall for you. Tell us about a time you were in a cult. Or currently in a cult, and tell us a crazy amusement park story. Amuse us. Amuse us with a park story. Please enjoy Jason Bateman.

He's an objets man. He's Monty, nice sweater.

Thank you.

It's striped. Hello. Hi. It's good to see you. Thanks so much for coming.

That explains that it's striped.

Hey, did this get more cozy and magical?

Probably. It gets design. It just gets a richer and richer patina after every single interview.

Like the tchatchis and the pictures and the sound baffles and...

The Intukets and Kerplunket.

Definitely more art since you've been here last because you were here early days. Yeah, there wasn't even curtains. Oh, my God.

Have I done this once or twice?

Twice, but once on Zoom. Which doesn't count. Yeah, we don't count that.

That's a mulligan. You got a lot of stuff coming across the transom over there?

I don't get a lot of text, so when I get one, I'm like, Oh, someone likes me.

Would you want any olive oil in your coffee or just black?

I would like just a men's to use Arnett's line.

That's what he calls a black coffee?

Working backwards. You said, I have been here twice. Why does the one time not count?

Zoom. It doesn't count. Covid doesn't count.

When you were launching Smartless, I think we were in the middle of COVID, and you came on to promote that. Yeah, that's why we did it.

But it doesn't count.

Then this is just to keep things real. Those aren't really accurate. I guess it's straight dressing.

Pretty much. Including the bugs on the tape. Don't Don't look too close.

Oh, my God, he had the bug. We came in one morning and that had all fallen. There was like when you were a kid in science class and you had to pin them all this in styrofoam.

That's a legit way to catch bugs. They're like, We don't It is.

Little did we know, all one needs to do is just put duct tape everywhere.

It could be a side hustle. We could sell that on Amazon.

Armchair duct tape? Mm-hmm. That's funny. That was going to be one of my jokes to Jason.

How many interviews have been through on this one? Maybe don't do that.

Fuck.

I I don't even think you're borderline. You're a germaphobe a bit.

I'm not a germaphobe. I'm a real keen gross detector. That's what it is. I'm not worried about getting sick. There's something undeniable about the contact of a moist hand against a moist hand or a sweaty car and a leg that doesn't have pants on it, like shorts against linyls. There's just stuff that is just tactile, not right.

I'm hearing a through line of moisture. Whenever moisture is present, are you That's what it is, it's almost uncomfortable.

Somehow I feel like that can be a conduit or conductor for germs to travel.

A delivery device.

Correct. Dry against dry, they stand no chance.

Well, we do know things do live better in dampness.

Right. It's a cultivator. Is this where we left off last time about wiping? Not again.

We're more mature now.

But I actually was thinking about you this morning, about an hour ago, as I was emptying, not again. We're more mature now. But I actually was thinking about you this morning, about an hour ago, as I was emptying, I thought, I wonder if we're going to revisit this.

Oh my God. I thought about both of you also because I haven't gone yet. Oh, you haven't? That never happens.

But I bet you peed. I did peed. Okay. And a pea gets a front wipe. Oh, of course. And so then you should have thought, well, the only other male I know that does female wiping, i. E. Frunting, is Dax Sheppard.

But we already covered it. It makes fronting. It makes a ton of sense for fronting. No, it makes a lot A lot of sense for a woman. That was always my stance. Like, naturally, yes, you have an open area down there. Alas, we do not. It's erroneum straight into sac.

Which is why we avoid going around the obstacle and we just go rear.

Oh, yeah, because the rear obstacle is so much tinier. You're saying your butt cheeks are smaller?

There's no obstacle back there.

Of course, you're wrestling with a toilet seat, your butt cheeks. You can't see anything. So you're trying to predict exactly where you're going to enter.

You're avoiding the hassle of negotiating the butt by going around and lifting up your nards.

I hate that we're doing this again. But just because I don't think last time I actually...

Listener, he's giving me a visual now.

What a negotiation that was. You have to lift and... No, I just go over the side. I go into the crease between the testicle and the inner thigh.

So you don't use the other hand to get things out of the way?

No, I don't need to do that. Maybe at the beginning of this before I had my 10,000 hours, but now it's just very simple. And again, it's a scoop and there's no contact with anything else but the rectum. And you refuse to believe that that's physiologically possible.

I think it's possible.

I think it's- I want a real answer right now. What is the price tag? I mean it, sincerely. What would the dollar amount be for you? Just try.

I'll do it for free. I might even FaceTime you while I'm doing it.

I would love that.

Can we do it on the fact check?

Can we call you? Can we run a little video? We're against video, but in this case- Speaking of what is the price, something came up at dinner last night.

I'm really surprised. The story did not pick up traction just to get from ass-wipping into politics.

Oh, shit.

Did you see the 60 Minutes where Michael Lewis was on? I didn't. He just gave a fantastic interview. Remind us who Michael Lewis. Michael Lewis is an author, the guy behind The Big Short, the book Money Wrote that incredible Vanity Fair article that started The Big Short. Yeah. Then what's the film with Sandy Bullock? Blindside? Yeah. He was embedded with Sam Bankman-Fried for, I don't know, a year or something like that.

That's the crazy crypto guy who just was found guilty of fraud. Correct. Not everyone's as elevated as your dinner table parties. No, I know. I love this. I'm trying to bring everyone up to speed.

Yes. He's embedded with Sam Bankman-Fried writing a book on him. Obviously, this is before the guy was arrested. The basic theory or strategy of Sam Bankman-Fried was to gather as much money as possible and then redistribute that money into worthy causes, financial altruism or something. He had some phrase for it. One of the things that he decided he should put the money towards as a good thing is to ask Donald Trump what is his price to not run.

Oh, interesting.

And he reached them.

No.

He talked to the Donald Trump people, and I'm assuming the man himself, to ask, what's the number? What's it going to take to not run? This is the original run. I think this is 2016. And he got a response. The number was $5 billion. Oh, really? I bet we could do that. Trump said it'll take $5 billion. Sam Bankman-Fried said, fine. Check's coming. And a week later, he happened to get arrested for the fraud stuff and all the funds were seized and they couldn't go through. But he would have stopped Trump. This is a fact, was on the interview in 60 Minutes, is in the book, didn't pick up anything in the media. He was shocked at that.

What part are you shocked at?

The media didn't say, Oh, my God, we almost averted disaster. This is not to lionize Sam Bankman-Fried and said, Oh, we screwed up. We let a hero go to jail. But certainly that move there would have been very heroic.

Well, listen, there's a lot there. One is just the notion of one guy deciding, I use everyone else's billions to sway a political election. Foundationally to democracy is interesting.

Well, I mean, he was assessing here is an existential crisis that I can avert by redistributing these funds for a good cause.

Other people's money. You got to start with the fact that this wasn't his money. He didn't have $5 billion.

Yeah, but I mean, all money on the planet is everyone else's money. You grab a little of theirs and grab a little of theirs, and now it's mine. Okay. They print money every once in a while, but it's basically the same stuff.

All I'm saying is you happen to agree with that particular cause, but I think it's pretty nuts that someone was entrusted with other people's money and decided that this was something he would use it for without informing the people whose money it was. There's a lot of conversations that could stem from that one at dinner. Oh, right.

Because he was at that point managing other people's money.

He appointed himself a Robin hood. Yes. Yes, that wasn't his money.

I don't know the details of this, but I think there were many, many packages of $5 billion. Some of it was his personal money, I think.

Probably some of it.

Then some smart folks at the dinner last night said, Yeah, but we know Trump. Trump would take the $5 billion and run anyway.

Exactly.

Totally.

That's what we're talking about. I didn't sign anything.

Then do you think it is implied within that story that it would be $5 billion this go around? Because I think the numbers definitely increased, right? In '16, It was still a shocker. Polling was not predicting that outcome, as we all remember. Correct. It would have been a bit of a hedge bet. At this point, the guy's not even debating anyone or showing up in the States. He's winning by like 80 %. So now I'd have to imagine the numbers, I think 20 billion.

No, there's no number anymore. He wants to get in office and destroy all his enemies. There's no price.

First things first, though, pardon himself on multiple counts and stay out of jail.

Was this strategic now that we're competitors? Because we try to keep this apolitical, and then you came in, you put the most tasty morsel on the table so that we will potentially alienate half of our audience. Wait, are we ? Did we start? Was this Machovelian in design? And is it all about front-wipping me because you may have lost that previous debate? Is that what all this twisted pathology is.

Listen, most of my friends... Well, that's not true. I was going to say most of my friends are Republican. How could that be true? Tons of people because I play a lot of golf. Oh, that makes sense. Every once in a while we'll talk politics, but I don't give a shit about Republican versus Democrat. I really don't. Although I'll put it this way. I don't know any MAGA Republicans. Those people I'd probably have a longer conversation with. I would just be really curious about how clearly aggrieved they are. I understand that there's a lot of people that feel left behind, and I'm very sensitive to that. I know it's not all just It's our team versus their team. It's a whole different thing.

All humans. We'll start there. Where did you start and where do you think you're at now? Politically? Yeah, I'll go first. I started as a libertarian, and then in '08, I was like, No, we need some massive oversight of the financial system. Then I was pretty darn progressive and liberal. And now I'm a Stone Cold centrist. Where do you think you started and where are you?

I'm definitely left. How center left or left left I am, I don't know. It's probably issue to issue. But just basically, I feel like my idea of what government could be, should be, is more in line with a Democrat point of view in that I feel like government is a tool to help for the greater good. I feel like perhaps the more Republican ethos is that government can be a useful tool for business.

Or national security.

Well, but that's the other thing. How come the Democrats lost the military? Why are you all of a sudden, if you're a Democrat, you hate the military and you can't wave a flag? How did we lose that?

Yeah, the Democrats did lose access to the American flag.

Monagana talked about that. Since when? I just feel like there's a difference in strategy or opinion about government. This comes from a very non-educated brain here about politics, but it just seems like that's the big difference.

You just perfectly segued me into one of my other questions I was hell-bent on getting out of you today. So you just did it. Capricorn.

Really? Yeah.

That was a big discovery this time. I don't know how I missed it on the previous two.

Yeah, you just need to Google my birthday, and then you'll see my astrological sign.

That's the first thing you could find out. Most cursory look at you. It adds up.

It makes so much sense.

That is coming up, too. It's really funny. You're good at this. You're really hot and great at this. Yeah, Capricorn is a big thing on my list. Okay, but prior to that, you just did it. You mitigated what was a really astute and eloquent opinion on all of this by saying you're completely uneducated and you don't know. And I want to point out that your previous media company was called Dumb Dumb. And I was like, that's funny. I mean, it doesn't represent at all what he is. And then you start a show called Smartless. I'm now obsessed with what is this distancing yourself from your clear and obvious intellect?

I got a lecture from my wife about that this morning.

Well, Amanda and I are often in lockstep.

Yeah, at this same dinner last night, we were talking about-Who did you go to dinner?

I want to know about this.

This is just the regular Sunday gathering. We were talking about directing and actors and all this stuff. Someone asked me about a, process question. How do I see? I tend to just start to throw up in my own mouth when I start talking about what is important to me and how I do things because I certainly start yacking when I hear someone else do it. So I just say, I don't know. It's just when something's right, when it's not right, you ask them to do it a little different way. She said, You know what, honey? You just throw it all away and you make it sound like you don't really care and you're no good. You're incredible. And I'm like, But, honey, I'd rather err on the side of humility and then start walking people through how fucking bright I am.

Okay, but I insist on delineating the difference between your process as an artist and your clear intellect. So one thing is quite pretentious or potentially pretentious, and that's what you and I are both allergic to. I think we're both from pretty modest means where people like that that flexed in a prestige way got smacked down pretty handily. For me, it's linked to a real threat that if you come off as lofty and above other people, you're fighting the biggest guy in your class really quickly.

Yeah, you're just asking for it, and they'll find you. They'll find a hole, and then you'll start stammering, and then you're done, and you've lost credibility, at least to dicks like me who are paying attention. I'm waiting for those folks to not be able to pull it off in every interview. I'm not keeping score in like Schadenfreude. But it is a distraction when somebody overly postures. None of us are that smart. We're all trying to figure it out. And the smarter you get, the less you discover you know.

Great. I get it. But specifically, you're smart. Minimally, you're not smartless or dumb dumb. So you've gone really far to the extreme. There's one thing to not parade around. I forget who I had heard, and this is alleged and probably rumored, but I think I heard Jeff Goldbloom had a license plate that said 180 IQ. Have you ever heard this? Oh, really? So that's one approach. It's like a license plate with your IQ number on it. And my apologies to him because he's phenomenal.

Yeah, but that's like self-hanging a target on your back.

Yes, but again, there's a very wide spectrum between dumb dumb and smartless and 180 IQ. Why are you marching so hard towards. I'm not. Something that's actually, I would argue, even a bigger offense, which is it's dishonest.

Well, smartless and dumb dumb, dumb, I think are in a different category in that we're like saying, look, we're going to start from a base of whoever we're talking to, they know more about what we're asking them than we do. Otherwise, you wouldn't be asking them the question. So this is just the basic dynamic of an interview. As far as me being insincerely modest, I'm not. I thirst to know as much as possible. I didn't graduate high school. I watch MSNBC 10 hours a day and read three papers a day and talk to smart folks like you or anybody else that's really interesting and has a point of view on stuff because I'm curious. Our business is studying people.

Were you called stupid?

No. Okay, never. I'm going to accept that, but I think we could go a layer deeper. Even the initial name of this podcast was the 1 Millionth Podcast, which was Humorous at the time because there was 250,000 podcasts. Now, ironically, there's eight- Wait, did that not Claire?

Why did you go with it?

You know you feel me, right?

Yeah.

And that is my low self-esteem and my fear of being ridiculed and made fun of that I'm going to beat you to the punch. I'm already self-conscious that there's already Marc Maron, there's already Chris Hardwick. It's been done already when we enter the fray, and I am self-conscious that I'm late and I'm a poser. So I'm going to blast you with the joke right out of the gate, the one millionth podcast. I'm grateful we thought better of it.

I mean, I have to call it a big elephant in the room. Armchair Expert means smartless. Right. They mean the exact same thing.

Exactly. You're some clown on a Barker Lounge, like you two are right now popping off with your hot take about X, Y, and Z, and you're being self-effacing. That's charming. It's warming. It's winning. It's embracing of your audience saying, Listen, we're not going to say we know everything here. We're just going to explore stuff together.

Okay, listen. Great point, Monica. I can see it's a great point. You're in the lead right now, Bayman. But I have to point out my definition of armchair expert, which is not a Monday morning quarterback. It is in its original definition, they were scientists, they were professors, but they were doing no experiments. The original armchair experts were just lazy smart people. Now that I can own. I'm not out actually gathering data. I'm getting the fewest bits of information so I can form my own opinions I'm going to start broadcasting what I think.

But you have legit credentials. I don't have it in front of me.

Oh, no, don't make them say it. I'm asking...

No. I forget.

You are trying to sabotage us.

No, you have a degree in something and another thing and something else. Every time I hear it, I guess I immediately pour cement over it because it's so threatening to me. But it's awesome. What is it again? Tell me, where did you graduate from? Ucla. Ucla.

Anthropology. Anthropology.

What is it?

A I mean, it's- Oh, no. But, Monica, don't worry.

And he's all tatted up and he drives old domestic fucking muscle cars. He tries to keep it so real with his fucking- Have you seen his muscles lately? Chuck Taylor's. But this guy can get through a book. I know.

Listen, no. Monica's suma cum laudi. I need you right now, okay? I can't be fighting Balvin. I'm sorry. But look at her.

She looks washed. She's wearing a nice sweater and pants and shoes. I play the You assume she knows what she's talking about. You look like a guy that if I hang out too long, you're going to ask me for a loan.

For sure. Or say like, Bro, if you want me to fill it, you're at the wrong time. You got to move over one. You want that winch you off. That hose ain't going to stretch.

Yeah, and I think that that's a really interesting combo.

I think I understand it. I'm admitting to you, I was going to do the Millionth podcast because I'm embarrassed I'm late.

What does that make Smartlist? Because we were just drafting off of you.

Listen, and I think you and I have some of the stuff. And so, yes, the tattoos and the muscles, that's like Michigan Playground, constantly in fear of getting my ass kicked by a guy three years older than me and sending the loudest message to the world, you're going to have your hands full. Pick someone else. I'm not even saying I'm the toughest. I'm saying there's easier options. And it's just all baggage, but it won't stop.

I know. I'm 49.

What baggage do you think you can at least laugh at yourself about? Where you're Oh, my God, we're still doing this at 54.

The thing, Monica, you asked me, was I ever called stupid? I wasn't called stupid, but I was called stuck up by kids in fifth, sixth grade, seventh grade, when that was the worst thing you could say to somebody. I was really sensitive about coming back into school after being away on set for a few months. Every year, that was my routine. I would get ostracized by the cool kids. I have tried to compensate for that by really working on being as kind as I possibly can. I fall well short often, but that made me, I hope, a better person. Maybe I would have been a little blind to being arrogant, cliché in this permissive business as far as bad behavior goes. That's some helpful baggage, I think.

Can I add some behind the scenes? I will say, your comedic persona is a bit acerbic. For people who have never spent time with you personally, you genuinely are the softest, stepping, kindest, most engaging. You're asking a lot of questions. You're showing interest. I'm watching you navigate a whole week at Kimmel's place.

But a real asshole, too.

Why don't see that? Here we go. Sure you do.

No, but you know, you and I can sit in the corner and fucking rip a party apart just mumbling to each other.

You know, you'd play tag and there's a porch at the safety. Or there's a source of oxygen. You and I are occasionally popping into a corner. How damp was that hand? Did you share those hands? I got to carry a towel. It's a recharge, though, isn't it?

We both know we don't mean it. We're just doing bits. We're playing the dick.

Yes.

Play the dick.

It's That's a great bit of advice. That should have been your answer last night when someone asked your process. I was trying to figure out what a dick would do. I run right at it.

By the way, the other thing I was thinking about on the way over here is that Smartless is just another one of your children that you've gone without fathering because you've got children all over the country you don't even know about, right? So you gave spawn to this podcast.

You meant like physical children.

You fathered Smartless.

That's very kind, Dax. You should take that.

It's a thousand % true. You were our first guest. Because of that, we said during COVID, because Will and Sean and I were staying in contact via Zoom, and you guys had just gotten that very deserving huge deal. And we were like, Fuck, let's go get some of that Dax money. And so we jokingly, and And shockingly, people listened and it lasted longer than COVID. But it is a thousand % because of what you guys have built here. Just if I haven't said it lately, let me say it again.

Thank you for that. Oh, my God. My pleasure. And people are curious naturally all the time. Are you now upset upset that you have this competitor that are your three friends. And I can say really genuinely, and Monica and I have a very similar answer, I think, which is when you entered, there were a couple million podcasts, and there were many famous people giving it a go. Yeah, a lot of celebrity podcast. Yeah, no, and Springsteen have one. It wasn't a given because your combined appeal publicly was going to ensure that. So you have a magic. I've been very happy for you, genuinely. And then I've been jealous about different elements of it.

Tell me, because I will say, not mutually blowing each other, but- Should we get into a 69 position?

Yeah. Just scissor this.

But truly, and this is not being falsely modest, I honestly think what you guys do is much more difficult. A, you're doing two hour episodes and you're doing multiple ones a week, which takes a lot of research, a lot of patience, a lot of work ethic. We're doing it one hour a week and we talk for five minutes. And then we bring on a triple A list guest, which not to take anything away from, say, any of the night time talk shows that have been on for years and years and years, I think a large portion of why they stay relevant is because they're constantly having a guest on that is at the peak of the zeitgeist, irrespective of who the host is. So it may sound falsely modest, but that is our show. You're having conversations for over two hours with scientists and artists that are not necessarily on the radar. The appeal of that episode is fully reliant on your ability to engage in that person, be the layman, asking the questions that are going to be interesting people that are not otherwise interested in that industry or occupation. That takes a lot of research.

Well, listen, that's the hugely flattering, and thank you for all those things. You pretty much isolated exactly what my thing is. The only bits of jealousy I've had is the cumulative relationships you guys have to getting guests. I'll scroll through your thing and I'm like, Fuck. It just happened this morning. I was like, I got to catch up on who's been on lately. I was like, Emma Stone. I'd fly to her. I'd cut off a pinkie. I have no contact to her. I don't know how to get to her. Then you have Ruffalo.

There's three of us. The chances are that one of the three of us know the person, have met the person, or might even be friends with the person, or this person has something they're promoting, and they got to do one of our podcasts, and either you guys are booked or someone else. We get a lot of incoming, as I'm sure you guys do as well.

Now, as I'm sure, right, you guys do, too. But if there's been any... Sorry, I'm getting emotional now. If there's been any jealousy, That's my favorite crying, by the way.

It's a dude that's just...

You start clearing your throat. I didn't come here to... And I didn't come to talk with you about your mother. That's a real actor.

Yeah, it's so good. For the guys who don't know how to cry, that's a great strategy. Just make it part of your character. Or Bob Derset from The Jinks, just as you're starting to get emotional, just start burping.

Remember that at the end? Burping. I would love to see an actor pull that off in a movie. It's like, Becky.

You can fake burp. I can pretty easily.

Can I hear it? Let me set this scenario. Hold on. I'm Doug. I'm your co-worker and partner in a business. You just found out I stole all the money.

Hey, Doug. I was looking through some of your paperwork. Excuse me. I noticed that you...

That was so good.

That's easy. What's very difficult- Hold on.

Can we go a little deeper in the scene?

There's two things an actor needs to be able to do if they want to call themselves great. Okay. It's being able to... Actually, there's three things. Okay. Believably, sneeze.

Let's hear that.

Believably, yawn.

And the Double Take. Oh, sure.

The Double Take is very, very hard to do well.

I noticed waking up hasn't made your list. I was just watching a show last night, and someone had to wake up, and I was like, Almost no one does it You have to wake up more than you would think you do as an actor in scenes.

The big thing is having a director that gives you the time to wake up, believably. Yes. They want you to just blink a couple of times, rub your eyes with your fist, stand, and up you go.

See your phone perfectly and read the bad news and react. All right, go back to the list. It was sneezing, yauning, and the double take. There's no auditory component to the... Or maybe you could add an auditory component, but I would love to hear the sneez. There's a what the.

A what the with an ellipsis. Yeah.

What in the... What the? Wait.

Yeah, we need the sneeze.

I want to hear the sneeze. I can't do it. Let's have a sneeze off. This could be fun because we've never got to act together, and now Monica will be the audience, and this will be like a mano a mano showdown.

I would make the choice. Well, here, I'll show you. Dax, it's such a pleasure. I would make the choice to be one of those silent sneezers because if you do the who-haha, we're going to be able to tell.

That was a good choice. That was really good, and he already took it. Now I'm painted it. This is just like when you're listening to someone audition in a room, and I just heard Bateman shows the internal sneeze. Oh my God. So I'm now painted into a corner, and I'm doing this cold.

I also did the same thing on the burp, if you remember, right? That we go, blah. Yeah.

All right.

Hey, Jay, what are you cooking in here? It smells like you are using a lot of...

Okay. Thanks very much. We have your availability, and we will be in touch. Oh, no.

I didn't get it.

Yeah.

I think- Give me a second, stab it. It was a little too big. It was too big. It was too big. Still rolling? I'm on notes.

The beginning was to You were shocked by it.

Okay, you're right. Let's go again. Okay, let's go again. You're cooking breakfast?

Yeah, sure am. Oh, my God. That looks great. That does not look good.

This little salt, little pepper.

Is that a little pepper? You okay?

Is there pepper on there?

Yeah, you sneezed right in the pan.

I'm trying to get a pepper joke and the sneeze. It's too much stuff.

You got to front load the pepper and then sneeze. You got to establish the pepper to the listener.

Okay, then let's do yawn, and I insist on going first this time because you obviously It's one zero, Jason Bateman. Sorry. No wonder you're in air and I'm not. Okay, here we go. You ready?

Yeah.

Morning. Oh, my gosh. I didn't fucking...

Yeah. See, here's... There's a- It's been a while since I act. The real yawn starts as a regular yawn, and then the real one goes extra deep in the second half. Okay, let's see it. This is not going to be good because it's very- Hopefully, it's worse than mine. See, right there, you can tell I'm just spreading my mouth.

You don't have it.

There's a deeper reach in the real yawn that goes down.

You didn't get there.

You can make yourself yawn if you- If you see somebody yawn.

Monica, let's see one. Let's see one. You're an actor. Yeah, I know. It's very high pressure.

Here we go. It's not great for radio, by the way.

Hey, Monty, how are you? No, I don't want to do an acting. I just want to see if I can make myself yawn. If you make the back of your throat like this.

I can do a real yawn, actually. I don't know why I didn't choose to do a real yawn.

Right. You could always go regular.

No. I can. It looks like you were stroking.

That's how I look when I yawn. Now, I'm in a debate with the director where it's like, You didn't blank. And I'm like, Well, that is how I do it in real life.

Doubt it. See, this is where I start fighting with the actor. Can I talk to you for a second? Guys, let's take a tight five. Dex.

Oh, my God. I forgot you were in air. I already forgot that. You did? I loved air.

Why didn't he do a great job with that?

Well, you know they're my boyfriends. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Both of them.

Both. Yeah, they're my boyfriends. Good for you. I know.

I've taken numerous runs at forcing her to pick. Literally, it's like asking you to pick between your two daughters. I will pick Matt.

You will pick Matt.

God, you give it up. Hold on.

No, I told you that in real life for marriage.

I feel so betrayed by this whole interview. You said my acting sucks. You just gave them the answer I've been trying to get for nine years. This is a betray. Are you joining the cast of Smartlist? Get a fourth body in there.

Why do you feel Matt would be a better choice?

Only for marriage. That's the only thing I'm picking.

I got you. We're playing marriage, fuck, kill.

Yes. Who am I killing? That's right. Fuck Ben.

Who's the third? You're going to fuck Ben.

Well, she's killing Dax. No.

We haven't picked a third player.

Yeah, we need a third player.

Dax Shepard.

Yeah, kill. No.

It's just whoever he throws a sacrificial lamb.

I'm already married to him.

The third is a sacrificial lame because we already know she's fucking Ben and marrying Matt. So it's like, who do you want her to kill? It's true. Trump. There you go. You're so political. Let's go.

Let's put him in the middle. Would you see that in my I didn't say that. But how about how great a job he did with that film?

Hold on. I think we could really challenge her right now. Ryan Gosling, Ben Matt.

I love him, but I would kill Gosling. Okay, wasn't that hard?

You would.

They're just my number ones.

How would you kill Ryan? With his roller skates?

Sexual. Fuck him to death. Yeah, exactly.

Sexually. That's a loophole.

Fuck them into extinction.

Yeah, but that movie, I was proud of him for that because making a movie that suspensful and compelling, and it's just about a business deal, one that we know how it ends.

Jaws never shows up. We don't have Michael Jordan in the film.

The way he constructed that, Until the end, and it's archival footage when Matt's landing the plane there with that big speech, and it's so impactful where they flash forward and you're seeing this footage of him.

You're right, you get some archival, but we don't have the big man. Although, how could he have? It's a period piece, and he certainly doesn't look 28 anymore. Right.

You could have hired an actor to play him. Too iconic. Yeah, exactly. Ben was like, No, that'd bump you out of the movie. Yeah.

State Be tuned for more Firepower Expert, if you dare. Okay, so I had a Ben question. I want to get into some interpersonal Hollywood stuff. Let's first tackle the Capricorn, because I think I've said this on here before. I have never been more attracted to a human being than I am you.

It's a little good right there. No, we don't need the yet or the but. You're a Capricorn, too.

Well, we do or it's over.

You're Capricorn as well.

Yes. And that honestly answered the hugest mystery to me today or yesterday when I learned you were a Capricorn, because we have a friend, Erika. Erika is beautiful. She's incredibly intelligent. She's super competent, which is, I think, the most attractive thing a human being can be. We have anti-chemistry. When we try to hug at the door, it's clumsy and we both feel awkward and we acknowledge it.

That's sexual tension. Nope.

I'm telling you, it is- That's your predator. Sex It is not sex-tench. You've observed it. You would agree. I would agree. The least amount of chemistry with Erica and having nothing to do with her metrics in all these categories of attractiveness and everything else. We have anti-chemistry. If I go through my life, I have zero Capricorn friends. I'm curious if you do.

I do. They're the people I get along best with. Really? Look at how well you and I vibe. We get each other right from the jump.

We vibe so well, yet we're not best friends. That's a great curiosity to me. I air it last time, and I keep making this awkward, putting you in this position. We don't need to be because we see each other and it's explosive and we got a lot to catch up on. I like it. It's great.

One of my oldest best friends-Leef Garrett? No, is born a day after me, Steve Whitting, January 15th. The 15th? Yeah. Okay. We don't spend a lot of time together at all. We talk half a dozen times a year. Semi-annually? Yeah. By the way, I'm like that with everybody. But if I need some real sit down, competent, let's get real. I need you, all of you right now. Yeah. Yeah, he's your guy. It's Capricorns that I go to.

Wow. And do you put any... We just evaluated our own scores, and I'm going to ask you. So zero is it's hogwash, 10 is you're making all life decisions based on your astrological chart. Where do you put yourself in there?

Oh, I'm about a three or a four.

That's pretty good.

And Monica was- It's pretty common for Capricorns.

Did you say you were a five going to 6.5?

Yeah, well, we did 100. We did a scale of 100, so it was a little... But yeah, I think I said it was a 46, but I'm going to get to 60.

And she was a two a year and a half ago.

I think Capricorns will look at astrological forecast or the Daily Fortune as a confirmation to what they already feel and already know. That's exactly right. As opposed to looking for some thing they can defer to and like, what's it going to be? Oh, thank God they said that. I right size it for sure.

Skepticism is part of Capricorns.

Well, I was going to say, Monica, I'm asking, what I do think you and I have in common, and probably while we were immediately drawn to directing, is I'm incredibly decisive for all my faults, and sometimes that is a fault, but I'm never curious about what my opinion is, ever.

Are you? That's my kryptonite as well, is I'm so buttoned up and prepared and responsible about opportunities of leadership that when it's time to make a decision, I've usually done the requisite work, and therefore, I don't stumble into a decision. So if somebody has a different idea, it's got a real high bar to jump over such that I can seem like I'm not really that collaborative.

Because you've really thought it through.

Yeah. And also I'm a big believer in unless your idea is better, you're being disruptive because different is worth exploring, but we might not have the time for that exercise.

Let's also add, and this will sound arrogant, but it is the truth, which is a movie is in its best form, a director's point of view and tone. And although a different suggestion might be better in that moment, it would violate what ultimately the goal is, which is some consistency in vision and tone. So you're comparing apples and oranges sometimes with suggestions.

I mean, look, you're sitting in a movie theater. The person to your left is going to want the ending to be different than the person on your right. Neither one is right, neither one is wrong. It's personal preference. And we can't shoot three different endings. So we're going to have to go with the person who just happens to be sitting in the director chair. And through any number of legitimate or illegitimate reasons, they're in that chair, we got to go that way. And unless that decision is a wrong or broken decision, let's do it. So the different thing is an interesting exercise, but you can't give it the time that you might want to because the next person is going to have a different idea, too. And it's like chocolate versus vanilla versus strawberry. They're all great, but we can't have them all.

It's not called Neapolitan, this film.

Unless it is. Unless it is. But if those ideas are coming in as a better version of what I'm trying to go for- Of chocolate, and you want chocolate.

Right.

Then it's like, Oh, thank you. That's so helpful because the note is coming from them trying to recommend or suggest something that might further what they think I'm trying to go for. That's really helpful.

We have a great metaphor here now for directing because it really is. It's like, If your suggestion can make my chocolate dish chocolateier, let's party. But if you want it to be strawberry, I can't help you.

Yeah, and it's not wrong. I mean, strawberry would be a great way to go, but it's just not the way I'm driving. You have no idea what my plans are for the scene that follows this that we're shooting in five weeks. Mine's going to make more sense then, but I don't have time to walk you through that.

Right. Should we collab on a book called...

It's called Shut the...

31 flavors of directing. The pictures of ice cream.

I feel like Mammet's already done that.

Also, can you imagine Christopher Nolan cruising through a bookstore and seeing our co-authored book on directing? The deep belly laugh he would have, or Fincher saw this book that you and I had the audacity to put out.

Man, those guys are good.

But with our mutual hangups, we would title it How not to direct, to get us out of all the crazy. Exactly.

How to be a shitty director. How to direct like an idiot. But how does that work on SmartList, then?

Do you guys ever have... We just had a creative difference.

One of three in six.

They're very rare. Was it about a certain guest, about whether we should have a certain guest?

No, but we have had.

We have those. I wouldn't call those creative differences, though.

Yeah, it was a small thing about how much to keep at the top of the episode. It was really small.

There's a bunch of off mic stuff, which we have a lot of, and I like it. It adds a little flavor. It's become a bit of a fingerprint to the show, and I like it. But in this certain case, I thought it had gone on way too long. And I was saying, if I were listening, I would either skip the head or I just got impatient to hear the good audio. So it wasn't even like what was being said that I was critical of.

And ultimately, we did agree, I think.

This is in the editing process about a trim?

We had already released it, and then we went in and shortened it ultimately.

But it wasn't really a creative difference, but we thought it was a creative difference. We wanted to make it.

And it got hot, huh?

It didn't. We get hot, though. We get in fights.

It actually demonstrated a lot of our growth because three years ago, we would have not talked to each other for two weeks. We would have continued to do the show- And pretended. And we would have been good in the fact check, but there would have been zero communication. Personally. We would have left here and walked our separate ways. We did that a couple of dozen times in the first three years.

It was rough. But those were mainly like, they got personal.

Or we- We were upset with each other personally. We felt personally attacked by the creative differences at the beginning. Yes.

So you guys are three equals. I mean, to be fair, it's Dax's show, and I'm co-hosting it. It's our show. It's our show, but we have different jobs here, and you guys don't. Does that ever get hard?

It hasn't gotten hard yet because we're very, very aware of that. We go through everything trying to avoid what could bring down the show, which is a fight. We would be okay about what you guys did. I just kept things quiet, kept doing the show. But the three of us, we'd talk about it on air, and it would probably go further. The showman in us would probably exacerbate it because we probably think it would make a good episode to really get into it. I think there's a part of us that know that if we get into a real fight, we could wreck something that we're really happy doing. I feel like if do anything well, it's that people are in this room with us, in our friendship with us. They are also a friend with us. If it's viby, then what do we got? We're very, very fair. If one person cares more about something than the other two, it's very self-evident, and we just go that way.

If you and Arnett ever had any dust-ups in your very long friendship? Oh, God, yeah. What's the arc of those things? Is there a period of silence? Is there any yelling ever? Or is it hurt feelings?

No, we're very soft with with one another. We both know how sensitive we both are. And Sean, too. We're all real soft and chewy inside.

I just know you and Arnett have been inseparable since arrested.

We love each other to death. We both know what's the big button or twelve that we have that we could press that we don't. If we ever get lazy and we do lean on one of those buttons, that's when we get mad at one another because we both know that we know each other's soft spots. If you hit that, it's like, buddy, that's fucking lazy.

It feels extra cruel because it's not like they stumbled into it unwittingly. Right. Have you ever screamed at each other?

No, I don't think so. The only relationship that I think can really weather something that emotional and that challenging is Amanda. Marriage. Yeah, we live together. For 24?

How long are you been married?

Yeah, something like that. Something crazy.

I read it. I wrote it down.

I'm not an advocate for fighting, but I do feel that a certain level of real intense argument at times can be a bit of a complement to the relationship because this is something I know we can bear. I can go a layer deeper with you about what it is I'm feeling upset about. I don't need to pad it. This is efficient for us to be able to go this hard, this clear. We're in couples therapy every once in a while, and that's a dangerous place to be if you don't feel like the other person can handle the truth. We both work hard to make sure our relationship is strong enough and honest enough to be able to handle hearing the things that really matter to the other person. Otherwise, you can't It's not a make it.

Do you two watch couples therapy? No. Do you watch that?

What's that? Where station is it?

It's originally a show. It's on 13:00 at 08:00 PM. Don't miss it. There's no other way to see it.

Where is it on the Nile?

It's a showtime show.

Showtime, thank you. Is it a reality?

It's a reality show about this wonderful therapist, Orna, and it's real couples. I would say what's proprietary about it is there's multiple couples going at once. It's not like you're stuck with any one person. Any episode may have three sets of couples, and then 10 episodes, you're tracking their entire 10 weeks of therapy.

And they know they're being filmed? Oh, yeah.

It's incredible. It's one of the most fascinating shows we've ever seen. We're obsessed. And everyone we know that watches it, completely obsessed.

Sounds very uncomfortable. It is.

But comforting to all the points you're just making.

Because you're not as fucked up as them.

Well, yeah, that would be the easiest way to say it. But in reality, what you're forced to recognize is it is hard for two human beings to come together and cohabitate and compromise and to live a shared life. It's fucking brutal. So if anything else, it just goes, Oh, yeah, man, give yourself a break. It's not easy. There is no relationship on planet Earth where both people want the same amount of sex. It doesn't start there. It doesn't exist. Every one of these couples, one of them wants more sex than the other one wants less. That's comforting.

Also, I just think it's a basic human instinct to not want... I don't want me with boobs. I don't need redundancy, a duplicate.

Yeah, you're probably sick of yourself most of the time.

Most of the time, yeah. I want someone that is not opposite. I want some nice overlap, but somebody that presents a different outlook, a yin and a yang, another hand to clap.

Yeah, as I say, I don't actually even need to fight about it or be convinced of it. I need to observe someone in close proximity that's choosing a different approach and getting different results. I guess that's a Capricorn thing. I don't want to be told how to do it, but how could I not observe that Kristen's kind to everybody? Every set I go to, they're like, Oh, that's my favorite person I've ever worked with. Then she's always, as we all have lulls and peaks, in the lulls, people are dying to give her another chance. They're dying to bet on again. And I'm like, Oh, that's pretty interesting. Not that I was ever a dick, but just the ability to observe someone do something different and then see the results and consider incorporating that. I enjoy being with someone that's so opposite because we're almost inevitably going to choose the opposite ways to approach everything.

Yeah, and I'm sure you can identify the myriad ways that she has made you a better person in the areas that are similar to her. In other words, you've absorbed great qualities from her and made them part of your package.

You're probably in one of the great positions to evaluate that because we met each other.

Right at the start of it, right? Yeah. Same for me with Amanda. The things that she has counseled me on that I have pushed back, probably at start, but then you, as you say, secretly watch her do exactly what she was telling me to maybe try to do and look at the results that she's getting. Yeah, I can make that a part of me, too. And eventually it becomes a sincere add to your tool belt.

Yeah. As you guys are approaching, not to scare you, but I guess you have six more years with your youngest in the house?

Oh, yeah. One year left with Frannie. Frannie is what? 17 now? She's 17. She's going to be a senior starting in September. I don't know when this is going to air.

I think we're going to December of 2024.

Just a little Christmas gift.

Try to talk about what's like the Christmas look.

I got a year left with Frannie, and then Maple, she's 12. So we got six years left with her in the house. And with Lincoln and Delta, you've got plenty of time.

It just started the clock for me. When Delta turned nine in December, I was like, Fuck, we're halfway there. I have two thoughts, and I was curious if you were having them as well. One is complete heartbreak. I just don't understand. I'm not going to do well. I don't want them ever to not live in my house. I want to see them when I wake up every single morning for the rest of my life.

And their family, too. They can move in as well.

All the generations can live with me. But that's one aspect where it's just a deep heartbreak and fear about that. The second one is opening myself up to what the fantasy of what is the final section of my life.

Which is you and Kristen.

Yes. And also that includes probably some retirement. It includes where do I live. I'm curious, A, do you have a little bit of a panic about them being gone? Then B, what are the fantasies you're crafting?

So funny. I knew we were going to talk about this today. I swear to God. Capricorn. Capricorn. We know it all. I'm very, very aware that the girls are going to go to school when they're done with high school. It will be back to what Amanda and I had before we were pregnant. We're going to return to just a twosome, but now we're two pretty different people, and our union is different now. How is that going to go? I think it's going to go very, very well. But where are we going to go? Your question? How much will you work? Where are you going to By the time Maple's out, so another six years, I will probably finally find a place to be comfortable throttling back a little bit on work. I'm still... It's another piece of baggage that I carry. The '90s. Yeah, is not working, which is not dissimilar from most people in the There's a panic about where's the next job going to come from. But I will probably be content as far as a creative contribution, too. I will be less famished. I'll need a smaller meal maybe every 18 months instead of every 12 months.

I'll work a little bit less. I'll bet you we won't live in Los Angeles. I think we'll go east.

I was wondering about this. Where do you fantasize about it?

I fantasize about New York. The city? Yeah, but also outside the city now a little bit. There's something undeniable about the energy of New York City. I like who I am there. I like that I am much more curious. Just Joe Blow walking down the street, I assume he's doing something really important with his life. Joe Blow walking down the street in LA, I don't give the same benefit of the doubt to for whatever reason. It's unfair.

Probably is flip flops.

But there's multiple industries there in that city. Here, we're a real company town, and chances are you're going to bump into somebody that does what we do. There, you might spark up a great conversation with somebody in art or finance or shipping, whatever the hell it is. I do like that about that city. I also like seasons. I literally love trees that lose their leaves. We don't have a lot of those out here. It's real cozy to me.

It's a nice punctuator of time because it just starts flying by. When every day is identical here, I feel like that aids in that.

I also just have a sense that when I'm in that region of the country, I feel more of the history of the United States, of which we don't have a ton of. There's literally not a structure in this country that was standing 400 years ago. I know.

We just interviewed Juneau Temple, and her house was 700 years old. In town, there's buildings a thousand years old in England.

Yeah. She would drive by Stonehenge.

Stonehenge. She sees it on her way to her boarding school.

You go buy a pack of cigarettes in a building that's 600 years old. I like that there's the pedigree over there. That's what I think we'll be doing then. I am excited about how Amanda and I are going to live the balance of our years as a What's the secret sauce to make that go well? Is it finding a closer union or is it honoring each other's space more? I'm sure it's a combination of the two, but we'll see.

Who knows? Do you have Wunderlust, Bad?

My mom was a flight attendant for Pan Am for 30 years when I was a kid, and so I was often dragged around the planet as a young kid before I was old enough to appreciate the cultural relevance and significance of it. I was just inconvenienced. I was limited. I don't know, having a bag, having to fly around in a suit.

You had to I'm going to put on a little suit.

Yeah, because we're flying standby. So you got to wear a suit and tie. Oh, that's so cute.

I want to see a picture of the six-year-old Jason, the briefcase.

Where are my friends? I'm having a haul of homework around the place. So it's just like, I don't like traveling still to this day. So no, no to that. However, I do like a fancy hotel. So if we can go someplace where it is a significant upgrade, anybody in any home, anywhere in the world, your home, you spent time curating it and the chair you like, the proximity to the table, to the clicker, to the TV.

How about just getting your coffee in the morning? I've made that as simple as possible for myself.

That's what gives you safety and warmth. To take yourself out of that nest and put yourself voluntarily in a foreign land, if it's not better than where you're leaving, the math doesn't work for me.

This is a boo-hoo, no one will fucking feel bad, nor should they. But of the many One of the things that's been revealed to me about climbing the socioeconomic ladder that I didn't anticipate was, yeah, now I have a house I fucking love. And we did this. We went somewhere over the last spring break, rented a little house in a mountain town. And I was like, this is way, way, way less pleasant than our house. And it used to be every time I love my house, it was something exciting and different. And now I've built myself a gilded cage with these little things. And I'm like, I didn't foresee this.

Now, what I will say is that I'll bet you as the mortality tap on the shoulder becomes stronger and stronger, my curiosity about what else is going on around the world, I've got a limited amount of time to check that out. If I'm curious, that will start to get louder, and I probably will start to feel like, Well, before I die, I should probably go check out this place, this place, and this place. Because that is getting louder in my head is that we're on the downhill now. We're closer to death than we are to birth.

You don't see that China wall pretty soon here.

You're not going to do it at 80. Yeah, CN International is interesting, but you can only go so far on that.

Okay, speaking of 60 Minutes, my whole life I've been watching it, and I've always been seeing these ads for Viking Cruises. They've always looked so boring and stupid. And within the last five years, I've been like, Let me get this trait. I sit in my room with a big glass door wall in Europe goes by out the window. This seems like heaven. Have you considered a Viking Cruise? Not a sponsor. Soon to be.

I'm not a big... I don't do well being trapped.

Yeah, that's not for me.

But I do like the idea of your hotel room stays constant, yet it's moving to different destinations, and then you can get in a little dingy and go into port and then come back. I like that.

Have a nice meal in fucking Verona, then you're over here and you do this.

You know how else you can do that is on a train. You ever thought about the Orient Express?

I'll go with you.

Should we do a tandem train? Sean and Scotty want to do it, too. This train, I was looking at pictures online the other day. Is it elegant? It's so badass. Really? You've got this stately room and it's traveling through Europe. You're a rail mountain. You go two hours and you're in a totally different country, different culture, different language. You go two hours here, you're in San Diego or Palm Springs or Santa Barbara.

Yes. Who cares?

You wouldn't know. I'm just saying those short little trips is a whole different world, and you're still in your own room.

That is very appealing. Okay, now, my follow-up question on the fantasies about where you're going to go is, you've been in California for 42, 43 years.

Seventy-six.

Seventy-six. So 48 years.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

I can't tell if I'm just getting older and the werewolf of conservatism is flaring up in me. I don't know. Or has this town gotten a lot different? I'm of the opinion it's gotten a lot different, and I enjoy it less and less. I'm just curious how you feel.

I will say that it seems like the problems of the city are not too dissimilar from the problems of other cities, and that every city has the same number of problems they just changed. I feel like the fear of of crime and gang warfare was what we were dealing with in the '90s. We don't hear about that anymore.

We have the lowest death rate per 1,000 of anywhere in the country. We just had a little segment about it. Probably the safest place you could possibly live.

Right. So then that's cool. But Our homeless situation doesn't have the same danger as gang warfare. But if you have just an ounce of empathy in your body, it's a very difficult thing to ignore. And you're driving by these people that are living the most tragic existence. And what can we do? And I'm not presented with any fixes. I don't know what I can do. I mean, I'm surely handing out a bill every time my car is parked next to one of them that has a sign out. And Maple is very good about that. She's like, Daddy, come on. And it's like, Yeah, great. Here. But that ain't going to get it done. But every city has currently got that problem. I feel for the most part, Los Angeles is as great a place as any to live. And that old saying, wherever you go, there you are.

I just read yesterday scrolling through the Sunday news, that there is a guy proposing legislation that would monitor all cars. A device would have to be installed on every single car sold in California that would electronically speed limit the car to within 10 miles an hour of the speed limit. I thought, that is the exact direction California is going that I think is insane. What is this person doing? Who are they trying to...

What is this- Where it's like in Germany.

Right just posturing. In Germany, they're going 210 miles an hour with no family. There's no family in a fucking station wagon.

They just trust that you're not going to carry too much speed into that turn because you don't want to die.

Yes. I don't know. I was just curious. But again, I don't know if it's this I'm getting older and I more cherish what I was used to.

There's my guys, Will and Sean. Oh, my God.

Did you pick up? Are you missing the Monday morning meeting? What are you having for breakfast?

Yeah, it's our daily call.

Okay, I have a couple more questions for you.

We got time. If we started- You're so fun. We started, right?

We're about to start. We're just about to start.

Wait, I have a quick question. Back on the- Leo Rising. Oh, God. I can see it. I can really see it. Okay, so we've been on a new conversation path recently about missing some of the old stuff. You're saying we're so comfortable now. You have to go to the nicest hotel in order for it to be better than what you have. And I was home for Christmas, and I went to TJ Max with my mom. I was so sad in there because I used to love TJ Max, and I used to love finding the deal or finding the pan that was half off.

The diamond in the rough.

Yeah.

And now you feel that maybe you've lost that, you've become too fancy, and you don't enjoy T. J. Max anymore. Yeah. But it's sad.

I miss it. Do you miss any of that?

I mean, you got to understand, he was making quite a bit of money when he was nine years old.

That's tricky. You don't have many memories, I don't think of.

Only the suit.

He's got to go all the way back to that six-year-old Pan Am flight to fucking Beijing.

I think anybody who's possibly listening, there's tons of things in their life that they have grown out of or their age has yielded a level of—this is a shitty term—but sophistication in certain lanes. I think that It's just a natural form of growing older and curious about, this is familiar to me. Show me something that's foreign.

Novelty. We crave it. I was going to ask, what have you watched lately that made you supremely jealous as someone who produces and directs?

I thought Dream Scenario was a really, really well-made movie. Christopher Borgli, I think I said his last name correctly. This is the film with Nicolas Cage appearing in People's Dreams.

Oh, my God. I don't even know about it.

It's so well done. It's one of those tough targets to hit, like Spike Jones and Charlie Kaufman did with Being John Malkovich. And he wrote it, directed it, edited it. He only done one film beforehand, but just a bunch of shorts. Ari Esther discovered him and shepherded him, and it's really well done. Anatomy of a Fall, I thought was fantastic in that there's not a lot of bells and whistles in it. It's just these fucking 20-page two-person scene. I haven't seen that either. Just having a long conversation that's totally engaging. That's hard to do. Tv-wise- I want TV the most because we haven't seen you since then.

What did you think of Triangle of Sadness?

Oh, love that. Ruben Ostland.

Talk about long conversation scenes where I realized I had been starved for them.

Yeah. I think it is a result of just a real keen eye as a director about knowing, no, this is going to be compelling as long as we just stay in this shot just a few more frames longer so that the audience is- The tension. Yeah, it's like, let's keep the camera on the person listening, not the one that's talking, because it triggers the audience to start thinking, wait, why are they keeping the camera here? Should I be clocking what this person is planning? There's another way to create tension through a subtler brand of taste.

That's a really astute observation. There was so much of that. Two things are happening when I see that. One is as a director going like, This is brave. And then as an actor going, Can you imagine learning that monolog and delivering it with your whole heart and we don't even see you? So there's some part of the actor in me that's Oh, my God. They didn't even get to be on camera for this.

The hard part with that stuff for me, I think, or the thing that I try to factor in is when you're doing work for a streaming platform where your audience is not trapped in a dark room and they drove there, and so they're not going to leave and they don't have any other thing to look at. When you're dealing with somebody in an environment that's got their phone next to them, the fridge right there, can you take that same gamble that not only they're not going to be distracted by these other things, but that literally the format the television is a smaller thing. You have to factor that into the size of the close-up. That can't be as wide when you do the close-up. You got to almost have a choker because the size of the face, literally, is smaller to that viewer. If I'm asking them to really be engaged by the look in the that person's eyes, I'm asking you to try to read their mind because this actor is thinking, not performing. Just the format of it, I wonder, is it a safe bet when you don't have an audience trapped in a big room?

I still think that an audience can and will be engaged, and so I won't give up on that and still try to go for those uncomfortable moments. But the content has to be so good that you actually have to break them out of that other distraction. The actor needs to trust that by not throwing to the back row, that level of subtlety will make the audience lean in And, consequently, that frame does get bigger. You do get inside the screen, even though it might just be a television screen. It's counterintuitive.

Stay tuned for more Farm Share Expert, if you dare. This is self-indulgent and totally off topic, but Saturday or Sunday, I wanted to post a video to ask listeners to start binging Fargo Season 5, because this week on the show, it's all Fargo. It's Noah, and it's Jon Hamm, and Juneau. Awesome. So I make a video of myself directly to the phone. Delta is across the table doing an art project. She doesn't even know what I'm doing, right? And I'm like, so I'm encouraging everyone to... It's so sincere, Jason. I'm like, to... And at this point, I'm like, well, I got to scrap this video. Then I go, Delta, what's it called when you watch a show all at once? And then now she's thinking and I'm thinking. And then you hear, Binge from her. And I'm like, yes, Binge. Anyways, I ended up just posting that because I thought it was so funny Delta bailed me out. But when I watched it, I was like, I would never be brave enough to take that beat while acting, but it was riveting.

Right, because it was real and it was honest. And as an audience member, you were like watching Dax's wheels turn in an authentic way. Short circuiting. And it's entertainment to watch somebody genuinely think for the next line.

I don't even I don't think I could replicate that on camera when needed to. That level of length that it actually is versus what I thought even milking it would be as an actor was hilarious.

It was also ironic because you just bragged last week that your word recall was so good right now.

I was in a phase where it was popping. I could feel it for two weeks.

Mine's getting real bad. Me too.

It's zapped.

I'm glad it's not just me.

Yeah, I had just bragged about it, and then I really couldn't think of Binge the most obvious word.

Everyone's like, Obviously, whoever's watching it. I was like, Why? Is he kidding? Why can't he remember Binge?

Fargo, I'm dying to get into. You haven't? Fargo, the film is the film I have seen most. Oh, really? Of all films ever made, which It's really strange that I have not watched the show yet. Oh, none of the seasons? None. I'm dying to because I hear they're just incredible.

Two things. One, I think you'll trust our opinion.

Yeah, you must.

You've learned it.

Magnus.

Five is the best season of all. That's what I hear. What an accomplishment, right? For your fifth season, that's impossible.

Which is saying a lot because the others, apparently, are stellar.

As you would recognize, it's a new show. Can you imagine launching five new series? That's what he did. They don't have anything to do with one another. Every year, he has to launch an entirely new cast, an entirely new storyline, and to do it at the best it's been done in five is so remarkable.

It's really impressive. I was at a thing the other day with Noah, and I asked him, with something that has such a specificity to it, how do you make a friend of handing over the directing of many of the episodes to somebody other than yourself? Because inevitably, a director is going to execute a scene different than how you've seen it in your head. It's impossible to hit the same target. How would you not assess a false negative on that? Just simply because it's different. I'll paraphrase the spirit that I remember of his answer, which was that you just have to defer and just get comfortable with a different version of it and just hope that you have a mutually agreed upon goalpost with.

Certainly by season five, they have the advantage and benefit of four seasons of the tone, which is crazy consistent. Minimally, he's demonstrated what they're going for.

People like him, they're so surgical and precise with the things that are good versus great, like the way in which somebody may lay out some exposition, just lay in pipe in a scene. I know I do. I need people to just throw that away because, again, I'm assuming that the audience members, as cynical as I am, and they're looking for, Oh, here's the person who's going to pound you with the stuff you need to know. Shouldn't they be making a sandwich during this or something? And maybe that episode's director feels like, Well, the executive producer really needs this pipe laid, so I'm going to have them say it directly just off camera, and we're going to do a push in and stuff. If he's not on set to say, No, don't do that, make sure they're making a sandwich, then he's got it in the editing room later. He's like, oh, fuck, now I got to reshoot. So there are a million moments like that that he might not be there to catch. And how does he manage that and still keep the level of execution high?

Well, he did the first episode, maybe first and second of this season. It's so impressive. But what What shows are you watching right now that you're like, this makes me want to work really bad.

To really be honest, the show I have not missed an episode of is The Trump show.

What one is that?

Just his whole- The whole political situation. I watch MSNBC all day long.

Oh, this season of America.

It's incredibly well-constructed. The ascension of the plot complications, like the pitch, has been constant. We're hitting a potential crescendo this season that That the finale would be completely overwritten had it not been so well foreshadowed. We literally may have... Could you imagine writing a season where the president's in prison? Exactly. Oh, really? What cartoon is that where the guys- You're right.

It makes the white walkers arriving seem like nothing. Yeah.

I'm just really, really fascinated with that.

How many hours of news will you put down in a day?

Oh, at least five or six. Oh, my goodness.

You just have it on in the background.

Don't you find it so repetitive?

Well, except I'm not watching the TikTok of the news, what happened today. I'm watching Opinion, which, yes, of course, obviously it's skewed left because it's MSNBC. However, they happen to be the side that's holding all the facts right now. But what's helpful for me is that they are articulating my confusion and frustration in a way that allows me to have my valve released a little bit.

You feel seen.

Yeah. It's just like, Oh, yeah. So they're putting it in a way that's like, Oh, good. Okay.

To think of it in terms of this is a big narrative is hysterical. What's unique about it is you can't flip channels and watch an alternative version of Game of Thrones, which would be so exciting to see how Showtime is doing Game of Thrones and TNT is doing Game of Thrones. Do you ever pop over to Fox News to just see? Absolutely. Okay, and can you enjoy that immensely?

I can in just the shock and awe and the effort that they go to to avoid the facts that are in front of them. It must be an exhausting effort to be like, That might get a little too close to the real right there, so let's talk about... I feel bad for the folks that are not watching anything other than that. Well, of course, they think the election was stolen. Of course, they would storm the Capitol.

We just interviewed Rob Reiner, and he made this cool documentary that's coming out, and it's about the specific sector of the base that truly believes he's been appointed by God. They make a great case for how that's laid out. There's a certain biblical figure they think he is. When I recognize that some people believe that, then well, naturally it had to be stolen because God ordained it. So what happened? Then I go, Oh, that's interesting. That gives me a little explanation. I think both sides are preposterously biased. That's what angers me the most, is there's no Ted Koppel telling the fucking down the middle truth of anything. But of course, to your point of how are they juggling it, to read Tucker's real text about the exact same thing he just was on air saying the opposite thing about. It was a window into what you're talking about, how they're managing having a personal belief, that's one thing that's so diametrically opposed.

If you want to mold your opinion in a way that is distant from what the facts are, that's fine. But that just should be labeled as opinion, which unofficially any of the primetime stuff is on Fox or on MSNBC. These are opinion shows. But maybe for those that might not know that that's baked in, they might need the help of maybe a little bug in the right corner of the screen that just says, Oh, on the shows that are not fact-based, but they're opinion-based, and that would go for both channels. Then the straight news reporting that's a little bit earlier in the day, then you can have the N, just like a ratings bug.

But I actually think that's a little bit of a delusion on the left. This is like them wanting the Rogan show to come with a disclaimer, which I thought was preposterous and not necessary. I think why this is also broken is that the lefts under the opinion that if the right just accepted their facts, they would have the same opinion.

I don't think they'd have the It's their opinion, but it would be nice if they just accepted facts. Okay, great.

But most importantly, it wouldn't matter to anybody watching what logo was in the corner or whether it was opinion or fact. And this is at the core of the problem. They're having an emotional experience that is deeply felt and true, and you're going, facts, facts, facts. But when you're in a fight with Amanda, facts are completely irrelevant. She could have the moral high ground on the facts. It doesn't sway the emotion that's in your stomach and your heart. Sure. And so all of this is such emotional stuff. I think we're missing what's really relevant. We need to attack why is someone scared?

Yes, but I think you might be conflating two different things because if a news network is declaring that an election was stolen and that that is the facts, and it was because these voting machines were taken over by such and such, that is going to generate a reaction from people that believe the station they're watching is delivering facts, so they're going to hear that as truth, and then they're going to react to something, and they stormed the castle.

Okay, great. But let's pause there and say that it said, Opinion, when they said, The election was stolen. This is my opinion. My opinion is that these machines were hacked by Russia or whomever, the DNC. It would be the same outcome.

Well, if I heard that, I was like, Wait, what? And then I saw in the corner, Oh, it says, Opinion. I should find out the facts then. No. And you do a deeper research.

Because it confirms your hunch, you look no further. It's confirmation by us. Perhaps.

It would not hurt.

It couldn't hurt. And it would save Fox a whole lot of money. They just- Yeah, exactly. They had $800 million. Yeah, why did they settle? Because if they didn't, then they would have had to declare or release a bunch of paperwork.

So the answer is you're watching very little narrative, it sounds like.

I am watching every Dodger game.

Yeah, I know. And every time I go, I get to see you and get harassed by you. So I asked that to ask what it is you're doing next. It's a two-part question. The three of you on that show are all very, very busy. I I think one thing that's easier probably for Monica and I is this is it. This is all I do. This is all I want to do. By choice. Yeah, a thousand %. And so we don't have any scheduling issues. This is what we do Monday through Friday, no matter what. It has to be really hard with three people who are working and Sean's doing a Broadway play. You're all busy, and then the guest is going to have a crazy schedule.

We dealt with it a little bit when I was doing Ozark and a little bit when Sean was doing his play, Will doing Lego. He's going to start doing a film in the fall. Sean's going to do this year as well, and I'm taking off to go do this thing.

You have a beard right now.

Is that why? Yeah, a beard and long hair. Yeah, because I'm playing a loser. How am I doing? In what?

Has it been announced?

It's a limited series for Netflix. Jude Law and I play brothers that own a restaurant nightclub that there's a big chewed out in the first episode in it. A couple of people die in ski mask, and you're trying to figure out who they are.

Are you directing or are you just acting?

Yeah, I'm going to direct the first two and oversee the whole thing.

Wait a minute. It's your next show after Ozark. Correct. That's yours.

Yeah.

What's the name of it?

It's called Black Rabbit.

I'm so excited. That's a great premise. Jude law is incredible. What a fucking pairing. Do you care that this look you have designed for yourself, you'll live with, obviously, for a long time?

I'd leave Saturday for six weeks of prep. I've got two more months of growth for this nonsense. All of this crap.

I guess I didn't realize just how long the hair was until that hair.

My God, your hair is very robust.

I just had it thinned out, too, because it just got even uglier than it's supposed to be.

Are you dying up there? Because why am I gray as hell?

Everybody thinks I... There are some grays up here, you can see. It's so chesty. I colored my hair once at 18 to play a Jersey Longshoreman.

Okay.

Or no, it was called Philly Boy.

You're my first thought when I think Philly longshoreman. Right.

So I died it black, and then when it grew out, it turned red because of the dye. Anyway, so that was the one time I've colored it. I'm blessed with thick hair and not being gray.

Where does this show take place?

In New York. I'll be in New York until October.

Oh, my God. Both exciting and terrifying. I know.

Okay, well, wait. Yeah. So you guys just do Zooms?

Yeah. So we just do it via Zoom. And so we'll have to probably do it mostly on the weekends, which is that okay with the guest? I I don't know.

Well, your show is enormous, so I'm sure it'll be enough to get people over the hurdle.

We'll see.

It's been so successful. I think you and I would both agree, ironically, and maybe I'm misinformed, but off the top of my head, this is the most successful thing you've ever done.

Without question, the most lucrative, most successful, most high-profile thing of the highest on all the rankings.

Highest on all the rankings. Insane. So ironic.

And not something we were really looking to do. Isn't that the great lesson?

When you get what you want, it's not what you want. When you do something you didn't think you wanted to do, it turns out to be the best thing in the world.

It's that healthy level of indifference that you learn in fifth grade when you ignore the girl you think is cute, and then she starts paying attention to you. It's what's that? Everything you need to learn, you learn in fourth grade.

So knowing that How tempted are you to prioritize it? Obviously, artistically, you need the other thing.

Yeah. Will and Sean get mad at me sometimes when I say, Yeah, but we have a day job. What do you mean your fucking day job? This is the day job. Yeah. And they're right because it is very successful and people really like it. But I'm sure you guys would agree. Yes, you guys work very hard, but you guys have great people skills. It's not difficult for us to manage a conversation for an hour.

It's what I'd be doing if I weren't here.

It's very comfortable for me, and I'm not getting the same satisfaction of a good, hard day of challenging myself that directing can bring me. Even acting is a very, very comfortable thing for me. I felt like maybe I was not working as hard as I could, or maybe I was being lazy or wasting days by sitting in a trailer for 45 minutes every hour and just working 15 minutes of it. I wanted to challenge myself to do more, which for me is directing. I will continue to want to do that a lot until maybe I gas Yes.

Well, Batesky, did you have any more money?

No. Well, unless we want to talk more about any Capricorn.

You love your Astrology.

Any Astrology. Do we get you to five on the scale? You were a three when we started.

No, because if I weren't married to Amanda, who's probably at a 12.

What is she? What is she? What's her sign?

Can I talk about how hot Amanda is? And it hopes that she listens to this?

Yeah, listen, if you're into that swap situation.

Yeah, I think it would work out for more than one reason.

She's a Sagittal Sagittarius? She's December 10th. Wow. Is that Sagittarius? It's pretty close to Cap.

Close to Cap, it couldn't be more different.

But Amanda is a bombshell. I want to give her a lot of shoutouts. She's a hot piece of ass, and she is the most engaging, high energy, fun person to be around. I am so delighted when we get to see you guys. I end up spending most of my time talking to her, not you.

She asked me this morning. She said, What's your day today? I said, Well, I'm going to drop off Maple at school, and then I'm going to do Dax podcast, and then I'm going to go to... Wait, what? I Yeah, she said, When did that happen? I go, Oh, we were texting last week. Why didn't you tell... You know I like his podcast more than yours. I swear to God.

God, does she keep you honest?

I did not know that, but I will be sure to tell him. She'll be listening to this, so keep going.

But I love her. She's one of the matriarchs of the Hot Mom's Club. We are lucky enough to be around. When we're at that fishing lodge, I look around at you, Kimmel and me, and I'm like, What? This is nice. How did this... We're lucky, man. What svengali?

I love that we treated ourselves to marrying partners, co-equals. We didn't marry, girlfriends. We're not there with the 28-year-old. I put in quotes. But even at the same age, I knew that if I didn't want to get divorced, I need to marry somebody I consider a co-equal, a partner, a great friend. A challenge. A friend. Yeah, not just some piece of ass that I need to be a little drunk to really enjoy. I have no business seeing during the day. But that speaks to what we're talking about earlier. Well, you're going to argue with that person because they've got agency, they've got a fucking opinion, and there needs to be room for that. Sometimes it might not be comfortable. Well, sorry. The other version, you're going to get bored of and either leave, cheat, or it just doesn't work.

I had a fifth option on the table, and actually, it was the very last thing I want to talk to you about. Because you're now, if I'm 19 years off the snort, you're 21 years off the snort?

I think so. You have snort and booze. Yeah. Thank you.

I would be guessing, but I would imagine it's the same for me. It's like, Booze, I don't even think about it. But I found out there was a place called Cocaine Hotel. Have you ever Have you heard of this? No. What's that? Yeah, buckle up. I was directing an actor in Chips, and she was telling me that her and her boyfriend had gone to Cocaine Hotel. It's either in Bolivia or Colombia, and it's a nice hotel. And Coke is just the counters and in the rooms. It's Cocaine Hotel.

So the restaurant is probably pretty quiet.

They don't need a good chef. This is probably like best fruit smoothies to reach out. What a great.

The toilet is enormous.

So, okay, 21 years for you, 19 years for me, and yet a long weekend at Cocaine Hotel. It'll occasionally enter my mind as like, God, that would be a real nice weekend.

I'm getting gassy just thinking about it. Do you ever hear about something like Cocaine Hotel and just let yourself- To be honest, I never like doing it without being drunk because otherwise you're jitzed immediately and you can't talk. I'd need to break sobriety with two things to accommodate. One, that would be a hassle.

You're bogged down in how practical the plan is. I'm just asking, would you like three days at cocaine Hotel?

Do you miss it? I don't because I get all the like, Oh, let's figure out the world's problems conversations just fine without it nowadays.

You've recalibrated homeostasis.

I like the people I talk to. Yeah. Plus, you got the fentanyl thing going on.

That's like- Oh, not at cocaine Hotel.

Yes. How do you know? I mean, I wouldn't be able to get that out of my head that just one line, I could be dead. Now, the good news is that, I guess, the NARCAN, now you can get over counter with the little nasal spray.

You can also now there's tests to test your drugs for fentanyl. Right.

Yeah, these kids are walking around with these little test- Tests are great.

Test balls in their purses. They should. Thank God. That's the best option in my opinion.

And also to have one of these little portable NARCAN things in their purse, too, in case somebody at the party.

Boy, the old days, we could just go get a sack of powder. Now you got to carry around like 15 different antiquagulants. Is it worth it?

Yeah.

This is how I know, and I'm probably going to get in trouble for saying this, this is how I know you're not the same level of addict as you. Why? Because that's not enough. The fentanyl fear.

You just power through that. You're like, maybe.

Well, not at Cocaine. My assumption is it's like the guys have just stomped on it with their feet with all the chemicals. Have you ever seen them in a jungle walking around in it? And then someone took a fucking dust pan and then just walks it over your table. There's no fentanyl involved. They're making it in the back. It's all raw. It's like farm to table, Coke. You can sleep on it like all these fairy tales. The Coke was so clean, you could sleep on it.

I bet like you with all of our bad behavior, we did it, right? Was there a part of you that didn't get enough done that you still feel like- Here's what I know.

I do know and accept this is why I haven't done it in 19 years, which is when I have quit sugar for two years, and then what I decide a Snickers bar is going to taste like, and then I have it, and I've been dreaming about it for three months, and I have it, and I'm like, Oh, God. I made it so much more in my head. I do accept and know that I would fucking rip a couple of big rails, and I go, Oh, I thought it was a little better.

Well, yeah, you're going to forget that it smells like fucking paint thinner. Yes.

And it's like, Oh, God. The guy's feet, a little bit of calluses are in there.

The thing that I do miss a little bit is cigarettes, and I smoke in this thing coming up. Oh, dangerous. Well, there was something that I had to smoke in after I quit. And movie cigarettes, they're terrible, and there's no nicotine in them, so you don't get addicted. But holding it in your finger, lighting it, the whole prop of it is a fun routine.

Yeah, the ritual, the pageantry.

I think I'm probably going to lean that. But it's going to make my beard and mustache smell like those fake cigarettes.

Like you blow torched a bowl of cherries or something.

That brings us all the way back to the beginning of the interview. We talked about my gross out factor. Yes. Like, smells and things around my muzzle.

It made me think when you were bringing that up, have you hung with Billy Bob at all?

No, never met him.

Okay, so when I was doing The Judge, he is the ultimate germaphobe and just grossiphobe, right? And he's like, I'm going to start thinking about them drapes in my hotel room. It's like an old hotel room. How much dust, how many generations of gunk is on these drapes? And you just picture him sitting on the edge of his bed staring at the drapes, and I feel like you could really relate to that. Oh, yeah. There's these big filters hanging off the wall.

I mean, you don't need to go much further than just the carpet in a hotel room. I mean, how often are they shampooing that? They're vacuuming it, but they're not shampooing it.

Delousing, does that happen?

My bare feet will never touch a hotel room.

Well, I love you. And this was just a straight up favor to connect. I had missed you, and I thought it had been too long since you were on. So I appreciate you making time, especially when you're getting ready to go away for such a long time.

You got to come back and see us.

I would love that. That would be great. Anytime you guys need me, please call. I'll always be there. I adore you.

Capricorn to Capricorn. This is for five minutes.

I know. It's so fun. You guys put on. I have a request. I'd like you to send us a picture of you as the Pan Am boy.

Pan Am boy.

And we will add it to our collection here.

I used to actually serve the meals on the plane, too. Wow. Yeah. She just thought it It would be cute. It would be cute. Yeah, and I just walked the trays down the aisle. Here you go.

Listen.

My little tie a little listened. There's a lot there, what you just said.

That tells you everything. You were always her little performer. She was always going to get a little attention with this little show pony. I started up being him.

Oh my God. And then it really worked out for her. We just learned the entire story from just that.

I love you.

Love you, you experts.

Can't wait to watch your new show with you, which you'd I'll come back and promote it for it's on.

Please do.

Okay, lovely. Love you.

Be well. Love you. Thanks, guys.

Stick around for the fact check. Because they're human, they make lots of mistakes. Okay.

You really stepped in it.

I sure did. That's my MO, my movie.

You still have so much to learn from me.

I do. Yeah, I know I do.

From me about my peoples.

Well, we're about to find out a lot. We're going to go on an exploration.

Okay, well, we can't give too much away. Okay. We're going on a trip to India.

We're going to India. Yeah. Which I think is... You're not as excited about it as me in terms of the full circleness of this. I know. Is insane. The fact that you and I are going to India.

I know. Maybe I don't have that feeling because I'm obviously going back to India at some point. Sure. It doesn't feel...

For you, I could see- For me, it's like my education education on Indianness has been you. And I'm always trying to get you to wear a sari and all these things. I want you to be fully Indian.

So your education is limited because you're still trying to get me to wear a sari. I can give up on that.

But this beats you and a sari. Is the fact that you and I are going to be fanding in India together?

Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

It's insane. It's pretty wild. I've told a couple of people, I'm going there to return you.

Don't do that. If word gets out, they might steal me in the night.

I bet they will. But what timing for Indy to be our fastest-growing region, and then for you and I to go in? I can't believe it. I just think it's the greatest.

Yeah, it's very cool.

I mean, I guess the only... It's not even a great parallel, but you went with me to Detroit and performed at Fox Theater with me.

This is not even... That's not even close to the same.

It's not, but in a way, you got to... You're right. That is not even- That's why I said it's a bad comment. You're not going home.

I'm not even remotely going home. I know. I'm not even going.

Why? Why is this- Why did you say that? Well, I'm trying to figure... No, now I'm on an inquiry on my own. I'm trying to figure out why I think there's connective tissue there.

Well, obviously, you feel we talk about it a lot.

I feel like that place is a special place to you. I mean, it should be a special place to you. That's where you're from. You're from there, Monica Padman. The Padmans are from Kerala.

Yeah, my people are from there. Yeah. But I'm not. I know you're not. Okay, because you said you're from there.

I'm just...

There are landmines everywhere. I know. Which, by the way- I know.

I hope I've earned some goodwill, though. I hope you're taking this in the spirit of it. If I was 100% German, And I went back to Germany.

Yeah, but- I'm not 100% German. But you're not. And you don't know what it would be like.

But you're 100% German. I am 100%. Well, I wouldn't have the baggage of it, clearly. If I was German, it's not like I'd be hiding from being German. Exactly. Well, let me answer. Time periods. Yeah, I guess I personally, again, privileged, I wouldn't be carrying around any baggage from being German, but I would be excited to stand there and think, Oh, do I feel some connection to this place? This is where my people evolved. We went through layers of evolution in this land. I was designed to live here. In the most basic way, a human is designed to live in their environment. And people that move around. So it's like thousands of years. If you're 100% German, you're going back, you're talking about the absorption of the Neanderthals, and they've been there for 10,000 years.

It's interesting. It's like Henry Louis Gates, when we had him on, Jacques Mémage, he was saying how clearly our connections, they're just- They're cultural. They're just cultural. They're just where you're born and what you're around.

The only thing I'll say to that, and maybe I should have asked him this. Now, when I was in Africa, granted, it could be all in my mind, but I was like, I just smelt the air. I was like, Oh, yeah, this is where we were made. We spent millions of years here as an evolving hominid, and I could feel it like, oh, we were designed to live right here. I could feel it.

I mean, I can't speak for him to know if he felt that. It didn't come up, so I don't think he felt that. We just don't know.

When I do his show, I'll ask.

Yeah, ask.

I will.

I think that's a very observational opinion as opposed to being on the inside of it. I know you're talking about humans in general, but you're seeing- I'm talking like as an Anthro.

I studied Anthro in college for four years. Did you? 93% of our history, more, actually, is there. It's like if a giraffe lived in Alaska, it could live there, I guess, whatever. But if the giraffe went back to Africa, it'd be like, Oh, right. I was designed to live here and eat off those trees. No, they don't.

Not if the giraffe has lived in... No, the Arctic, whatever you said, Antarctica, for a long-ass time in their whole life, they're not going to go to Africa and think, Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. This is my place. That's not how it works.

For me, it did. For me, I was just like, Oh, yeah. I can feel that this was the place that we came to be. Okay.

I can't fight with your feelings.

That's the problem with feelings. That is.

That's right. Speaking of Anthropology Degree, it came up on this episode, Mr.

Bateman. Jay Bateman. Yeah.

Wow, we both have man at the end of our last name, I'm just realizing. He's the B man, and I'm the P man.

That's right. Bate man and pad man.

He tried to sabotage our show. What was your degree again? Because he wants us to go down.

That's right. Yeah, yeah. And I fell right into it. Yeah, he really did. Can't resist. That's my kryptonine.

You sure can't. And he knows that.

And I'm not going to. Well, okay. It's who I am.

You're an evolving person. One of the most of anyone I've ever met.

Oh, well, thank you so much. You're welcome.

And I mean it. I mean that for real. I think when you want to push yourself, you do. I mean, you could just say, I am who I am.

Sure. Do you think I should put Anthro in the rear view mirror? Is that what you're suggesting?

No, no, no. I'm just saying.

I just think it was my original interest. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, of course. And all the things we do on here, the things that interest me the most, the things I'm still... It's changed, right? Now I know a lot about brain chemistry. My interests are still derivatives of What is this animal on planet Earth and how does it work? And why is it doing what it's doing? So the foundation still feels very anthro, all my interests. So I identify with it so much.

Yeah, I get that. Yeah.

It's tied with me saying I was punk rock as a kid, probably. Another trigger for you? Oh, my God.

Shout out. Oh, great ding, ding, ding. Oh, my gosh. Jennifer Love. Jennifer Love, who, if you listen to the Heidi Klum episode, which I hope you did because that is- Oh, it's the best.

If you didn't listen to it, you fucking missed the boat. Did you listen? Yes. Isn't it so fun? I listened while it worked out, and I was in the greatest mood. And I think I might listen to that episode 10 or 12 times this year. Wow. Wow. It's so fun. She is so fun.

It's very infectious. It is. She's incredibly infectious.

And did you even hear, there's a moment I felt compelled to dig and see if there was any trauma or heartache? I was like, Forget Yes. Let's just surrender to the joy that is Heidi Klum.

Yes. It was incredible. Anyway, Jennifer loved- Her colleague. Her colleague who she brought up on the show who- We facetimed with afterwards.

We did. Bts.

We facetimed with her. She was very, very cool. She's an arm cherry.

Her and Heidi- We're assuming her because, let's be honest- We got gifts from Heidi, but- Which is so awesome. A couple of things, too, about Heidi. Not only was she so fucking fun, she also posted twice about it, which is just so nice. It is. Guests don't really do that, and I'm just very appreciative of that. Then we get these fucking gifts. I know. You got some decadent pajamas.

Yes, they're so beautiful. Jam-jam. Yes, they're so beautiful. Silk pajamas. It's like a pink, rosy mocha color. You said pews. It's Burland pews. Oh, that's an Easter egg.

Oh, okay. Pews isn't... Oh, that's not... Okay. Yeah, we go down a rabbit hole in pews. But then my gift was impossible. This is why we have to assume Jennifer was involved, just because she's a fan of the show. Yes. And there's two new Shelter T-shirts from the punk band I liked when I was a kid. Yes. And then a bunch of Gorilla Biscuit's shirts. Also punk. Another punk band. And then a really cool book about Youth of Today, a year on tour with This was so thoughtful.

It was so thoughtful. It was a punk rock kit for you.

And Heidi admitted she didn't listen to the show. So it's not like she could know this.

So we have to- Unless she did a lot of binging after she left.

She was busy because I don't know how many episodes ago since she would have found out about Shelter. But regardless, I have to assume that Jennifer was in the mix.

Yes. And thank you, Jennifer. And thank you, Heidi. Yes. So kind.

We could have Heidi once a month.

I know. She could be another David Sedaris for us.

Yeah, for sure. For sure.

That would be fun, actually.

Yes. I like to see them together. That'd be an interesting pair.

Oh my God, that'd be so fun.

Those two? One seven-foot-tall blonde supermodel, and then David.

So many people commented on the picture that she suggested we take in the chair, in my chair, all three of us together, how long her legs are. Seemed? Yeah. I mean, they are really long. Obviously, she's a supermodel. But in that picture, specifically, they look 20 feet long.

There's a little bit of an optical loosh.

Yes. And it does look really funny. A lot of people said, her legs are as long as your body. But they look great. I know. It was a diss to me. Well. Yeah, it was. And that's fine.

And me, I guess.

No, because you didn't come up. Oh. In the ones in these texts to me.

Oh, okay. Or people text you to say- Or on DMs or whatever.

Okay.

Yeah. So that's interesting. So you don't read comments, but you read DMs.

From friends. I don't talk to strangers. Okay.

Because I don't read DMs, and I thought, Oh, that's interesting reversal.

You read DMs from your friends, though. Just not from strangers. From my friends, exactly. Okay. Now- Bayman.

Bayman. India.

Anthropology. India. We're real quick. What I wanted to say, we're currently... We're applying for our visas.

Oh, right.

You need a visa. Yeah, we need a travel visa. There was a bunch of questions about our family history and travel. Going back to what you saying about feeling connected. I don't feel all that connected day to day. For sure. But then today, when we got those questions, I had to ask my parents, what city. Yeah, yeah. To my mom's sent the city, and then she corrected the spelling. And so then I looked it up to double check the spelling. And then there's this little picture of this place. Yeah. And I did think, oh, my gosh, my mom was born.

She was a baby there.

She was just a little baby. Maybe there in this foreign land.

Yeah. Well, similarly, I went to get all my weird shots yesterday. She's like, well, where all are you going? I was like, Oh, I got to get out the itinerary and look. And then, of course, I have to spell. There's no way I can pronounce one of the places we're going. And I felt relieved because she herself of Indian origin, she's actually from South Africa. But she's like, Oh, how do you spell it? What is that? And I go, Let me look it up. And then even I did, there was this gorgeous temple that I know I've seen before in like, archeology things.

Anthropology?

Anthropology, all roads lean back. And the soil was orange like I'm hoping for. And I was like, We're going there? Oh, my God. And... Sorry, just to add about that city. The only thing that's... I've always had an interest in going to India. The thing that scares me about India is I don't love the idea of too many people. That gives me a little bit of claustrophobia. So that place we're going to that had this epic thing, only 1.2 million people.

Okay. I mean, it's going to be crowded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think I also... I'm just having this realization.

Okay. Real-time?

Yeah. Okay. I think part of why I'm a little- I just thought of something you might be thinking. Hold your thought.

Okay. I think I might know what you're about to say.

I think- It's going to be Okay. So I think part of what's happening is I'm anxious to go with you, a white person. Oh. And not you being famous.

No, no, no. I didn't think that. Just a tall white, white so.

No, you a white person, but you a white person who I feel a little... I come in and out of codependency with. That for some reason, I feel like I need it to be good for you because it's mine. Okay. And then I'm angry because it's not mine. And I don't feel like it's fair that I then have to make it good for you. Right.

Well, okay. Wow, I did it. So I had an opposite thought. Oh, okay. Which it's not because you just told me what it is. But all of a sudden I was like, Oh, if I were her, I might be anticipating how annoyed I'll be with how much Dax likes it. And I'm supposed to I like it a lot, too. No. And here will be the white boy, so euphoric with the place. No. And I'll be ho-hum.

No, I think I'm nervous that you're not. Your expectations are so high. And I do know more truths about it. Surely. And so I am worried we're going to get there and you are going to be let down, agitated. They're going to be hard things. And in your head, you're going to be like, God, this place This sucks. Okay. And then I'm going to feel-Responsible for that somehow. And I think I'll have my feelings hurt. Sure. Which is insane.

No, it's not insane. But it is insane. No, this is back to the thing. You are connected. Let me Sways your fears. I'm not writing a check my ass can't cash. I'm telling you right now, I'm going to fucking love it. I have zero- Can you just maybe stop saying that to yourself? I'm going to be on fire there. Oh my God. I'm going to be on fire. I can feel it already. Oh my God. I'm so excited. So lucky. Who gets to go to India? It's such a rare thing to do.

It is very lucky. It's so lucky.

But let's add to people. This is work-related. That's the thing. That's an Easter egg. It is work-related. It is. Yeah. We're not taking a random vacation to India. We're not. We're going for work.

Yeah, which is really cool. It's very cool. Anywho. So I guess... Oh, yeah. But then I was filling out the stuff and I was seeing this little place that my mom was born, and then I was about my grandpa, and it was very sweet. And then my dad called.

Are they excited for you that you're going?

They are, yeah. Because one of the questions is, have you ever been to the country? Yeah. And if so, when, what addresses? Oh, right. Like, so intense.

I was so grateful I hadn't been yet.

But that's how I felt. I was like, oh, yeah. Dax is just saying no to just all of these things. It's so easy. I'm sending text, having my parents check all this stuff. So my dad called and he was like, I mean, this was 1992. And so he was like, I think we went here.

No, you were five.

Four or five. Yeah.

That's a big trip for a five-year-old.

God bless him. Yeah, I had a really bad bladder infection. Yeah, a whole time.

Yeah, really bad. I had to ruin that trip for them. Yeah.

He was telling me the cities that we had been. And when he was saying it, and he's saying it right, he knows how to say everything. And I I was proud of it. Good. I was like, this is cool.

It's very cool. You do acknowledge that people evolve into an environment, right? There's biology. That they have different biological markers and that- No. You don't acknowledge that?

Okay. I'm kidding. Yes, of course I do. But I also think, I think sometimes you are- Exaggerate? Well, I think you just really hyper-evaluate those things or look at them extremely because of your Anthropology degree.

But I'm sorry, but that is what we did. We looked at populations of people and we found out what they did differently.

I did theater, and I'm not always looking at the way you walk and breaking it down and making, deciding- Me a character. Yeah, making you a character. Because we used to have to do that.

Yeah. Yeah, but they're like...

I'm kidding.

I mean, yeah. Indian folks are different Swedish folks.

And also we're 99.9% of the time. Oh, yeah, yeah.

This isn't to reconfirm the racist theories or that it's relevant in any way. But people have different eyes because there were different environments they were in, and people have different physicalities, and it's fascinating.

It is very fascinating. Anyway, it's exciting for us.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited, and I'm going to have a great fucking time.

I hope Well, I hope so, and I don't care.

Well, there's a line between codependency and civility and humanity. I want you to have a great time. I will not let your bad time ruin I aim to not let your bad time ruin my good time. That would be codependent. Exactly. But I want very much for you to have the best trip of your whole life. How would you open your mind up to that?

I think it's going to be a profound trip. That's I have a lot of gratitude around it. I think it's going to be, and not personally, what we're doing there, I think is so cool and so lucky. It's crazy. So I have a lot of gratitude, and I think I'm going to come back feeling very moved.

Let's just tell them we're opening up a Scientology Center. Next to that. First one in New Delhi.

And first Arbies.

And first Arbies. We're bringing the rectangle sandwich to India. Yeah.

So that's my expectation. And then, and I hope you have a really great time. But if you don't, I'm not going to cry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, good, good, good. Well, I'm codependent enough that I would hide it from you.

No, but now I'm going to be... And you can't.

No, true, true, true. You know me too well.

Yeah. And then I'll be like, Oh, now he's trying to hide it, but I know. I got to go home.

This is going to be the funnest trip we've ever had by far. We're on the other side of the planet. We're flying for like six days to get there.

Oh, my God.

We saw the itinerary and we were like, What are you talking about? We leave on this day. We're there two and a half days later. It's crazy. I thought the flight was only 19 hours.

Time travel.

Time travel. Time zones. International date lines will be crossed.

Yeah.

I'm bum. We're not going to Kerala. Do you see that temp? 96. That's so hot. Bring it, I wanted to get into some linen and fucking strole. I want to get that massage with the powder. The man tickles my penis. See, I even have it about that.

Oh, wow. Not you, but even That whole story. I'm protective of it. Right.

It's a fun thing that happens.

I know. It's just old for me.

I know. That's why, to me, it's an opportunity for some catharsis. I think maybe you're right. But you have to decide.

Maybe only if I go with this whitey.

Yeah, you have to, though, decide.

Yeah, like the Schrums.

Like the Schrums. It really is. It's like you're going on this trip. It could be profound and life altering, or it could be dismissed.

Well, I think it's going to be profound and life altering, but I have to allow myself to make it personal, which right now I have not done. Because there's scary stuff there. Yeah. Speaking of trips, I just got back from a trip.

Aspen. Aspen. Aspen. Aspen.

It was really fun. We went for Max's birthday. So it was Calleigh, me and Max.

How old did Max turn?

Forty. Forty? Yeah, big birthday. It was a big birthday. And it was so cute and charming and very accessible, doable town.

I haven't been there in... I've shown you pictures. I have a picture of me next to a Percheron horse, and it's butt is taller than me. I think I've shown it to you. It's one of my favorite pictures. Erin and I are standing next to this horse because we had to rent out this horse area for an off-road truck show. But we were staying in Aspen, and we were up on top of this enormous hill, and you had to take a gondola into town. Is that what your situation was?

I was in town. I I don't know what mountain you were on, maybe.

Is there a gondola that goes all the way there?

There's a couple of big mountains there that people ski. And then, yeah, from town, there's a gondola. I didn't ski. I just appra skied.

Did anyone ski?

Yeah, Max skies. He loves to ski. That's why.

Okay. And the snow was incredible, I bet? Yes.

That was good. Because you guys kept getting delayed to go there. Okay. So that's the story I want to tell. Okay. Tell it. Going to Aspen, I guess, can get tricksy. Sure. Calleigh and Max went the day before, which is the day I was supposed to go. Right. But then I pushed it today because me and you- Host. We hosted an advertising dinner for Spotify. Oh, which we got to talk about that, too. Oh, my God. So much to talk about. It was really fun. Nancy Silver and cooked, and she's a huge chef.

It was unbelievable. It was preposterously fun. We got to see Teddy Swims sing.

Teddy Swims did a surprise performance. He was unbelievable. So good. Beautiful. Oh, my God. He was so good. And then our friend John. Matis. Yes. He performed.

The most transcendent live performance of music I've ever seen in my life. I've never been laughing so hard and so gitty inside and so moved. It's I would not recommend this lightly. Make it a mission in your life to go see him play. Live.

I agree.

It blew every- There's no...

There really is no words to describe it.

And he doesn't know what he's going to do. That's obvious. He lets the wind pick him up and take him on a ride, and he takes you with him. And the songs he's coming in and out of, and now it's Beethoven, now it's Bach, now it's ragtime version of pure imagination. Now it's Louis DeVon, Dimons in the Back, Sunroof Top, Digging the Seen. Oh, my God. And it's just evolving in front of you, and you get so gitty with anticipation of, Where is this going? And everywhere it lands is perfect.

And I mean, I said it when he was here, and it just keeps getting confirmed over and over again. We've never, ever met anyone with that level of genius. There's something about his brain that is so- Otherworldly. But yet so connected to humanity. It's like two things are the most opposing things are happening at once, where he's floating above us, yet he's in all of us. Yes, yes. Like in our bones.

He's the only person I've ever met in my life that... You remember Men in Black, the premise, which was so funny that many of the famous people are actually aliens?

Oh, yeah. I forgot that.

He's the only person I've ever met in real life that if at some point I found it, he actually was from a different planet, I would go, I believe that 100 %.

Me too. But I think it's more like he's an angel.

Oh, that's a fun take.

Yeah. And I don't even believe in them. But when I am in his presence, I do. I really do. And I believe in God, and I believe in magic. It's crazy. It is crazy. But I agree with you. If you ever have the opportunity, you have to take it.

You got to chase it down. That ended, and I went home and looked up his tour dates, and I I was like, I have the wherewithal to quit everything and follow him around for the rest of my life and just listen to him perform. And it seems crazy that I wouldn't do that if I could. That's how amazing the experience was.

Yeah, it was very special. Fucking A. What a guy. But yeah. So I moved the- Ski trip. Ski trip so that we could do that. And I'm so glad I did because Calleigh and Max flew out to Aspen that day. They got 40 minutes with the baby, 40 minutes into the flight, and they turned it around.

That's halfway there. They flew halfway there.

Yes. And then flew it back home to LA.

That's a bummer of a trip home. That flight, when they banked that plane in the next 40 minutes, it's got to be like, holy shit.

She said it was announced, and then her and Max just sat in silence. And then Max said, Did you hear? And she said, Yep. And they just stayed silent. Those moments are pretty funny.

I have a few of those in my life. We're just like, Now you're going to talk.

Yeah. So then the next day was like, Oh, it's going to happen. Because ironically- And then they were kicked to your flight, ironically, right? People were. They weren't. But ironically, the reason they got turned around was because weather in Aspen. Then the next day, Sunday, when I was leaving, the weather in LA was insane. Floods, torrential, crazy. It's crazy.

Monsoon.

It's Monsoon. Monica Monsoon. And then- We've already done that? I think.

I love that. Monica Monsoon.

Did I make it up?

I think so.

No, I think it's from something in my life. I thought it was from here.

Monica Monsoon. You'll definitely be introduced quickly.

I thought that was from here, but maybe not. Anyway, I'm in my past life. Maybe it was from cheerleading. Yeah. And apparently, Air Force One was also at LAX, and I don't know what the fuck that was about. I don't know why they would ever land Air Force One into LAX.

Well, that is where he flies into when he comes into LA.

Well, no, because also he was, I was told, was supposed to fly into Van Nys.

But then- I could be wrong. I'm probably wrong. I think Air Force One is too big for Van Nys. He's on a 747. He's on the biggest plane they make, so he can only land in a few places. But what happens is he lands at LAX, and what's so cool is that's Air Force One, right? Yeah. Marine One is sitting there, which is his helicopter. And then the helicopter flies from LAX, and it lands at the Veterans Center at Wilshire, And San Vicente. And then he gets in a car from there and drives where he's got to go. And then he's got the monster that's already there, that crazy bulletproof limo. So everything's all- That is cool. It is.

But yeah, flights were a mess. Every four seconds, there was an announcement about a flight getting canceled. Nothing's landing in San Francisco. We don't know when blah, blah, blah. So it was crazy. So my flight was at 9:50 in the morning. I left at 5:30.

Oh, my God. You had a full eight hours. You're bringing back PTSD from Boston for me.

I know. Well, I thought of you because there's all these- Rich people.

Rich people.

All these rich people trying to get to Aspen.

Oh, it's great.

It was such a triangle of sadness moment of just these rich people who are all... Everyone was nice. And to be fair to them, I do think a lot of them are on the flight from the day before.

They're on day two of that.

They are freaking out in their Louis Vuitton. And it's a scene, and it starts at the airport, like what people are wearing, what they have. It's really fascinating.

The only flight I ever take that's like that is Jackson Hole is a pretty funny flight.

I'm sure it's very similar.

Especially when you're flying out because the airport is really nice and everyone in there is like, Yeah, they're in fur coats, but they should all be in fur coats.

Some people were on ours and like, already in hats and already in like... And by the way, I was blending in.

Yep, you were right there with them with your looks.

I got a new coat and I love it so much.

You posted a picture.

I did post a picture, if anyone wants to see. Although I had a little bit of problems with the coat. Most people understood the coat and respected it as they should. But twice people thought it was a robe.

Well, that's okay.

So I was in a store buying something, and the woman who worked there said, Did you have a good time at the spa? She really meant she was being sincere, and I had gone to the spa that morning. So I was like, Yeah. And I got confused. I thought maybe she was at the spa and saw me there.

This is Seinfeld. This is textbook Monica, classic Curbier enthusiasm.

It's pretty more curb. Yeah. And I thought, I guess she was at the spa and saw me and was hoping it went well.

Hotels connected to the store.

How's that? She This looks like a local. I'm staying in a hotel, but okay. And maybe it's her birthday, and she got a special massage that morning.

Who knows what happened.

And then she brought it up again when I was checking out. So what spot did you go to? And then I just answered. I told her what spa I went to that morning. She said, Oh, that's nice. I said, Yeah.

I didn't mention to her. So did you get confirmation she thought you were in a robe?

No. Are you- No. I just know. I just know after really thinking upon it, that's the only explanation. Right. And then the next night, I was leaving dinner, and a girl walked by, and she was with her boyfriend, and she said, See, she's wearing her robe. I wanted to shout, not robe, row.

What's great about that, too, is it went straight to you found out some past about them. She had already argued that she should be allowed to go out in public with her robe. Exactly.

Anyway, so it was very triangle of sadness, and it was fascinating. That's a fun world to- Observe. Yeah. But also dabblin. I can't pretend- To be above it. Exactly. I can't judge with any real... It's like, I can't look. Exactly. I can't with any morality to it. It's just fun. It's fun. Okay. I could not find evidence of the Jeff Goldbloom license plate 180 IQ. At The internet's coming up dry on that.

That's pretty wild.

Maybe you heard it anecdotally.

No, I believe I was watching him on a late night talk show when I was younger, and they were talking about that he's a proud member of Mensa, Yeah. But what would suck is I also could be confusing Jeff Goldblum with someone else who did it.

Yeah. And then I did try to look up just license played 180 IQ- Because another guy who's obsessed with telling everyone he's in Mensa is James Wood. Well, Jeff Goldblum is a certified genius and a member of Mensa.

Oh, he's a card-carrying member.

Yeah. But I couldn't find that.

I'm going to stay quiet on the notion of- Mensa? Yeah. It seems like you're going to go prove you're a genius.

You got to the entrance.

It's okay. I know. It's a little... I guess, look, I get it. If you weren't on the football team and stuff, this is the club.

Yeah, you better fucking be proud to be in Mensa.

Yeah, it just seems weird to jump through some hoops to get labeled a genius feels a little- It's not that many hoops. It makes me feel sad.

It's not. It's like your teacher thinks you're a little bright, and then then they make you go take the test.

Well, no. I mean, Mensa has nothing to do with any academia. It's just like a club you test to get in to say you're a member, and then you pay some dues, I think. No. It's a racket. No, no. It has no affiliation with any academia. Go ahead and look up Mensa.

Mensa is the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world. It is a nonprofit organization open to people who score the 98th percentile or higher on a standardized, supervised IQ or other approved intelligence test. Don't laugh. It feels like it does feel jocish.

It's not jocish.

That's what a jock would say. Okay. Membership requirement. Score or above 98th percentile. American Mensa.

Listen, I think it's weird to brag that you're hot. If you had a bumper sticker that said, I'm in the hot club, I think that would be a little weird, and I'd feel a little bit bad. And you basically get a bumper sticker or license plate frame that says you're a member of Mensa, which is really just saying, I'm a genius. I think that's- They Wait, there's gatherings.

They probably chat and talk.

Can you imagine a gathering? Everyone's so proud of themselves for being a genius.

You mean the thing you went to?

The Illuminati?

Yeah, that's the exact same fucking thing, if not worse, because That's high status people do.

But I disagree. The whole purpose of that thing is that so people that are in different silos can connect and enact change in the world. This is like- And pat themselves on the back for being an exclusive group of people.

Come on.

This is very true. I can see you're activated.

Well, I'm a little activated because if you weren't in it, you would agree. And I know that about you. These are all that type of thing.

So one- This was A little worse because I don't think they're trying to solve any world problems.

Well, that we don't know. It's whatever you're personally prioritizing.

How about this, though? Do we agree on the fact that it would be weird to send in a photo of yourself and get admitted to the 98th percentile hottest person? Because this goes back to Adam Grant and me defending, if you're trying to get approval and status for your looks or your intelligence, one's not better than the other. Both people are just born with that thing.

One's better if it's put to use.

Right. But I don't think Mensa has solved any problems or written any bills.

Well, there's a foundation. Okay.

I could be wrong. I might probably get sued by all these genius. What could be worse than making enemies with a bunch of geniuses? They'll probably figure out how to destroy me quickly.

Yeah. Well, we all took IQ test as kids. They don't do that anymore, do they? They did it as part of school.

My kids haven't. So the IQ test is She was pretty heavily challenged by a lot of academics as being- I want to retake it just to see the types of questions.

I have no memory of it.

I had to take a very extensive one to get in this school. I had a teacher recommend that I start going to the school Roper in Michigan.

Was that a pre-mensen school?

It was, weirdly enough, they were off the wall, artsy, weird. They had little igloos. It was wild.

Oh, my God. Who would you have been if you went to that school?

I know. My dad was absolutely Absolutely not. Oh, really? Because he was like- This is another thing he shit on, like the ballet. He was like, No, we're not doing ballet. I'm glad you had your little thing. We're not doing it. Because it was too feminine to be smart. The ballet was too feminine. This was, he's not going to go and co-mingle with a bunch of other egg heads and only know how to deal with super smart people. He's got to live in the real world where he's going to live and he's going to have to make a living. And I don't agree with this elite trajectory where it's not real.

Okay. I like some of what that is. I don't like that he called them egg heads.

Maybe I added that, but I'm in the spirit of what he was saying. I think he would have intended to say egg head if he- He probably says I'm not doing something worse than that. I don't know if there's... Is that enough pejoratives for smart people?

Yeah. That's all there is. Yeah. Like, fucking nerds.

Well, hold on.

You added fucking- That's the bad part. I had to make it bad. We're geek four-Eyes. Fucking elite athletes. Four Four Eyes. No one says fucking elite athletes in a bad way. That's the problem.

He's a fucking elite athlete. Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

Okay, so let me talk to you about yarning. Okay. You can make yourself yawn. I learned this in Chorus. Because we did an acting exercise. In Chorus class in sixth grade, the Chorus teacher, I think her name was Ms. Malone. That's wrong. Mcgee. No, I don't remember.

That sounds cartoonish. If I'm careful. I've been bagging on names lately, and I hear about it in the comments. I'm so sorry. I said, Don't call Mac Max. People thought I didn't like Max. And then you also said my name would be, if I were a girl, Cindy? No, who is the sexy one on Sex in the City? Samantha. Samantha. And I was like, No, I wouldn't be a Samantha. And a lot of Samantha's heard that, and they think, I don't like the name Samantha. I like the name Samantha. It sounded crazy for me as my own identity to go by Samantha.

Yeah, I stand by. So I just did it again on I think you would have been- I said, McKee sounds cartoonish.

And then I'm going to get a comment from someone that's like, I'm Mike McKee. There's nothing cartoonish about this. I run an auto parts store.

Okay. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I stand by that I think you'd be a great Samantha/Sam. I'm in now. I love Sam. It's my favorite name. I think Lincoln would be a good Samantha/Sam, which is why I conflate you guys a bit. Right.

I'm flattered to be conflated with it.

Yeah, you should be. So, fuck. What was I about? Oh, yeah, yarning. So if you make the back of your throat... It's normally like, Oh, why? I think you just yawn because you're tired. It's a real one. Yeah. If you curve the back of your throat Yeah.

I don't know that I believe you can curve the back.

Yeah.

I don't know that there's anything- Wait.

This is real. Mobile in there. Okay. Yes. The back, like your palate.

You think you can curve your palate? You think there's muscles attached in tendons to your palate?

I'm going to call in some troops for this.

Oh, Jesus.

I think she'll agree.

Hello?

I have a question. I need some corroboration, and I think you know how to sing, and I learned this in chorus. I need you to tell me if I'm- Wait, one second. Oh, Bunny.

She sounded just like her. And she was... She's currently in a chorus. So she could... That would have been very confusing for her.

Hello? Hi. I thought Delta was you.

Yeah, she talked for a minute thinking she was talking to you.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. I have a fact check question for you that I think you'll be able to answer.

Say it more clearly to make you win a debate.

No. I think you'll know the right answer for it. So in chorus in sixth grade, my Chorus teacher said, you can make yourself yawn by curving the back of your mouth, the palate. That's right, right? Yeah. Lifting your soft palate. Thank you. And it's like a singing thing, right? Yeah. You have to lift your soft palate to let the sound travel through your vocal cords and out of your throat in the most open way. I'm going to co-look and have a little break. I can't. Okay. I can't handle it. Okay, sorry. Delta was in the middle of taking an enneagram test, and it was just- Oh, stressing around. Getting interrupted. It's okay.

Well, that makes her a one wing five. We know the answer now. Anyone that quits is automatically a one wing five.

Yes, you lift your soft palate when you yawn as well, I believe. But it is a singing technique to lift your soft palate. It's the difference between pinching a note and having it be open.

So, love, you think there's muscles and tendons attached to your palate and that it's movable?

Your soft palate? Yeah. In the back? Yeah. You can lift it up and put it down. Not your hard palate.

Obviously, that's like bone. I was thinking of the hard palate, I think.

All right. I'm really glad that you weighed in, and I knew you would know. I don't know what I'm weighing in on or what I know, but glad to be in help. Thank you. Love you. Bye. Bye. Okay, so I was right. Good job. Okay, now, who do Capricorn's vibe with? Today, not Virgos.

Uh-oh. Is this Delta?

Delti, come in. Oh, she can't open the door. Tell her to move far back.

Move really far back. I've got to kick the door open, okay? It's stuck, so move really far back from the door, okay?

Or get on the stairs. Okay.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

Isn't that fucking crazy? Oh, my God. Because it's water long from all the rain. Yeah.

Hi, angel. You done soon? Yes.

Yeah, why? You want to play No, cruising, remember?

You're going to go cruise?

We have a date to cruise. Well, listen, I'll be done in a minute, and I'll come down on a cruise. All right? Hello. Get your cans on.

Oh, I had got really I had, because I had my first problem that I couldn't solve. It was like, there's 196 apples. Seventy-five of them are not in baskets. The other that are in baskets are divided into six baskets. How many are in each basket? It was really hard. I like that one. Harder than it seems. Yeah, yeah. And I still have to do it.

Are those the actual numbers?

No.

Oh. I wanted to try it. But I think I told you, right? Monica and I were on a guy, AJ's podcast, who does puzzles, and I gave him two of the riddles you gave me, and he couldn't solve either of them. And he's a professional puzzle solver.

Congrats to TJ, she makes.

Yeah. Tj's really good.

Okay, let me do one thing. What's Delta's sign?

I don't know. What's December 19th?

Do you know your sign? Oh, I just learned this with Dahlia. Aquarius? No. Sagittarius. Yes, yes. Sagittarius. Sagittarius.

Sagittarius. You're a Sagittarius? Yeah. What does that mean? I don't know. You have bunny teeth? I think that's- All Sagittarius have bunny teeth?

I got to find another Sagittarius. Well, it's Bateman's wife is a Sagittarius. Okay. Oh, she doesn't have rabbit teeth. Amanda may have had rabbit teeth as a child.

You never know.

It's true. We never know. Braces ruin everything. Yeah. Okay. She's a Sagittarius, and Bateman's a Capricorn, and Daddy's a Capricorn. So this all ties in.

Oh, wow. This is a big ding, ding, ding. So we're the same configuration as Bateman and Amanda.

Yes. And the traits of a Sagittarius are adventurous, optimistic, independent, curious.

Do you think those describe you?

Yeah.

Yeah. I do, too. So do I.

Those are pretty accurate. I think that's good.

I didn't hear bunny teeth, but...

I had a good day today. You did? A bad day, actually.

Oh, a good, bad day?

I got a new Valentine.

His name's- Well, you can't say the name. Why? You got to keep everyone anonymous that you go to school with because we don't know if their parents want. His name's Person.

Okay, great. Okay, great. So person. And then another person in a person. We're saying that that person was- Person name. They were making drama with the people.

Okay.

And then one of the persons was confirming everything was true. Okay. So it was a big tussle between persons. Okay. And, yeah, it was something. Wait, so you have a new Valentine? Tell me more. He's one of my best person friends. Is this Valentine mean? Are you going to give him a Valentine card?

Card, yeah, yeah. Okay. How about a Valentine's foot massage?

No. No, okay. Last Valentine's Day, I gave everyone little Spiderman gummy rings.

Do you know that Valentine's Day is the six-year anniversary of the podcast?

It's our anniversary. Oh, happy anniversary. Thank you. Oh, thank you.

You are only a three years old.

Okay, so on Coastart, what's inside their head? Now we're going to add Delta to the mix. Okay. What's inside their This is Astralogy?

Yeah.

For me, a list of all their hyper specific preferences for everything, from bedsheet thread count to bathwater temperature.

That's what a Sagittarius is? No, that's me. That you're super specific about your environment? Yeah, I don't know. For sure. Oh, really? Absolutely. Really?

Yeah, for sure. No, oh, guilty.

Yeah, two to one. No. You won the last go around about the palate, but this is for sure. You think so, really?

Yeah.

That's sheet, thread count. When you get into a hotel, there's a real evaluation. Yeah, when you're talking about products with mom.

That's true.

You're right. Yes. You're very specific about what you want.

You're right. Okay, what's inside Who's inside their head for Daddy, every mistake they've ever made playing on loop?

Who's this? You. This is for me.

Yeah, Capri.

I'm doing all of this. Oh, a thousand %. Yeah, that's totally true. This is like Lincoln and I's favorite game, right? That's totally true. As I tell stories of times I've embarrassed myself. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Mommy, Cancer. What's inside their head? A bed and some snacks because they live up there 24/7. Oh, that's pretty good. That's pretty good for mom. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And then you, Deltee, what's inside their head That's Sagittarius, a vivid daydream about a fake interaction with their crush. Does it ring true?

I don't want to answer for you, but that sounds pretty spot on. Forget the crush part because that's for older people. But you are a vivid A daydreamer.

I daydream all the time. I'm in class just daydreaming up in the sky.

Last night, I was in the sauna, and then Delta got in the hot tub first by herself. She was there probably for 10 minutes. When I joined her, she said, Oh, man, I just wrote this whole story about this girl.

I met this girl, and she was in the wild, and she was in a hot spring, and then she found this mouse, and she wanted to thank nature for the hot spring by taking care of the mouse. And then she accidentally dropped the mouse when she was running, and the snake almost bit the mouse, but the mouse got a cut, so she put first aid on it, and she kept the mouse.

Yeah, and nursed it back to health.

Oh, I like that. Oh, wait. Compatible signs for Capricorn, real quick, are Capricorn, of course.

I wouldn't have thought that. That was my premise.

Oh, right. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Generally, the most compatible signs for Capricorn friendships and romantic relationships are fellow Earth signs, Capricorn, Virgo, me, Taurus, as they speak the same emotional language and water signs for their emotional Cancer, Kristen, Pisces, Scorpio.

Isn't that... Did you just list all of the signs? No. No? There's what, three left out? There's some left out.

Okay. All I heard was a bunch of different scientific words jumbled into a sentence. I'm glad you said they were scientific.

They're not scientific, but they do sound... They are supposed to give the illusion of scientifically- They're pretty scientifiant.

They're illusion to be. Yeah. Okay, so the proposed bill would require new cars starting with the 2027 model a year. That are built or sold in California to have an intelligent speed limiter system that electronically prevents the driver from speeding more than 10 miles per hour over the speed limit. This is by State Senator Scott Wiener and would exempt emergency vehicles. But it's just being- Scott, lay off. It's one person saying it, though.

You were making it- I hope Scott is one day on a 55-mile-an-hour road with this car, and there is a truck behind them that has lost their brakes, and there's a semi coming at him, and he can't fucking be safe.

Don't wish that on I just hope he has that panic of going like, Well, that was pretty short-sight.

I guess I should have been trusted to- I know you're upset by this, but it's not going to happen, so there's no reason to get your-How do we know? It is proposed. It hasn't been voted on yet, right?

To Scott? Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

Scott's trying to make it so I can never drive more than 10 miles an hour over the speed limit. Exactly. Thank you. How dare you, Scott.

I know. It's not going to happen. Don't worry. Okay. Well, that's enough.

Yeah, that was great. That was a lot of fun. Yeah. All right. Shall we cruise?

Yeah.

I love it when we're cruising together.

Cruising is the best. And we better go quickly.

And we like the same music, you and I. That's so helpful. Yeah. Our current favorite song is by Jungle, Domino's. Domino's. Delta request this song every time we get in the car for go to school in the morning, and I thank her for it. And maybe we'll go out with a song.

Great.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go. What a jam, huh? The best. We got to get in the car, put the seat heaters on and let this rip.

Jungle's the best.