Transcribe your podcast

Welcome, welcome, welcome to ARM chair expert Mike Shepherd. I'm joined by Minister Mouse Minister Mals, is that the next step for me?


You've joined either the clergy or can't you be a minister and like a court, like a barrister?


I don't know.


I don't believe I'm losing confidence in that thought. Rapidly nosedive. Whoa, what a fun guest.


OK, so fun. She was a 10 fun. Yeah. Kaley Cuoco. How'd I do.


You did Perfidia really wrestle with her name.


Kaley Cuoco. It's the Kwoh that gets me. I like that part. Cuoco you say it.


Kaley Cuoco. Oh see it's all a little weird at the Kaley Cuoco.


It almost sounds like you have like like he's Wasey like whatever that speech impediment is that like Rabbit the oh the owner's on it.


Like I'm going to try to sound like him. OK, ok. I'm huntin wabbit. It's not a good impersonation. I'm going to stop.


I don't think I know it enough to you. Don't he goes be quiet. I'm huntin wabbit.


But that's a bad impersonation. That's pretty much what happens. OK. Oh jeez.


Quokka Kaley Cuoco. She was of course on Big Bang Theory, the most successful shows of all time. Eight simple rules, as you'll discover.


Charmed I go into and she is the new show that looks absolutely incredible called The Flight Attendant and it is on HBO, Max, starting November 26.


We have one more thing to say. Oh, before we enjoy Kaley Cuoco, I want to announce that we have some new armchair expert merchandise.


What do we got?


We got three new shirts, limited edition, holiday sweaters, limited edition.


Only two hundred fifty made. Oh, my God. Limited edition, marine layer, armchair experts, sweatshirts, only 250.


Those explain why marine layer is the shit.


OK, I have marine layer sweatshirts and they are so comfortable and so stylish. The fit is really important. So I said we got to get marine layer and you insisted. I did. I insisted on it. It wasn't even a conversation. You said we're doing this. We're doing it. There's only two hundred and fifty well two hundred and forty nine because I'm already going to buy mine. Right. And they are so cute.


They really are. In fact, we're going to do a photo shoot in about an hour. I know. And you'll see those soon. Go to the armchair expert pod dotcom to check out the new items, order some stuff for the big holiday season.


Enjoy Kaley Cuoco.


This podcast is powered by Energiser, maker of Ultimate Lithium, the number one longest lasting battery in the biz. Best part is I use it in my remote controls when I do my remote control cars. And even more impressive is we rely on it to use our recording equipment when we don't have land power.


That is true. It's come in very handy.


Yeah, and I would say that's the ultimate compliment that we would bet the success of the show on a battery and we do it on Energiser. Now, look, leaks are bad. Roof leaks, hand sanitizer, leaks, secrets that leak batteries leak battery technology has improved, but battery leaks are still a thing they can corrode and damage your devices. Energiser Ultimate lithium batteries are leakproof and guaranteed not to leak.


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He's in charge. How are you doing? I am good, I am nervous for real. I'm going to tell you why. Tell me why.


Because out of all the things I've done in my career in life, my assistant sister only care about this. Say that again.


Your assistance, sister or your assistant? Sorry, my assistant and my sister only care about this right now. Two people that spent I spent a lot of time with their sons go about it about this.


So let's go back, though. Just imagine though that I said to you, oh fuck man, I am so excited to talk to you.


My brother's assistant loves you. You're right. That sounded so weird.


No, no, no, no, no. These are two people that are with me a lot. So they know they're liars. You're going on taxes show. No, actually, you're assistant and your sister is very relevant.


When I thought you said your assistant sister, why didn't you?


It's like, why didn't you just say your friend? Like I said, way too many things. No, two very different people.


Yeah. You've not had yet. Or maybe I'm wrong, but none of your romantic partners were drastically more famous than you. Right. So I often people come up to me in the airport. They're just like, oh my God, I love your wife. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do too. She's great. I can't really take the compliment for her.


You can just go like, yeah, I'll mention that to her and we'll go from there. Yeah. My husband Karl is hilarious with that.


He has a good sense of humor about stuff like that because he gets that a lot.


Does he have some go to jokes like if you guys are in the airport. Yeah, it's definitely an airport. Yeah he's cute but he'll say like really like he'll always have a funny reaction like oh my God, I love it. Here we go through. Really, why? I don't know. He's very quick on his feet, I'm always like, I'm laughing, he's he's a lot funnier than I am.


In the event that someone likes us both, seemingly equally, I'll force them to say who they like more, which is the most awkward thing you could ask somebody.


Yeah, no, I bet. I bet. I bet. Plus, your wife is so beloved. I love her so much. Every time I see her, we are we're always like we would be best friends. And then we go years and we don't see each other again. And then we see each other. I go, I love you. I love you too. And then we we disappear into the night. Yes.


So what's curious is you see her all the time, but we've never seen each other.


I was thinking about that. I was asked if I'd ever met you. And I was like, I don't know how it's possible, but I don't think so.


You'd remember I'm inordinately tall, you know, in real life. Yeah, I remember. And of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


For example, my humility rumball I can knock you out.


My husband and I talk about that a lot because I made him join Instagram maybe about a year ago in his Instagram is very funny, but he got really quick. He got about 400000 followers. But he always laughs because they're all my followers.


He goes, they're just your followers. Follow me now to see pictures of you, to see pictures of me, by the way, horrific pictures of me.


That's his Instagram is is just trolling me, which is great. It just it's just great. It's a totally good move. Yeah.


The uncorroborated version of your life, the real.


Yeah, totally. That's what he does. He posts just horrible things about me and he's gotten quite a little following with apparently haters of me.


Oh I didn't. Oh now very he's really formed his own, his own little thing.


It's working out well for him.


And if I have it my way, we'll just talk about him the whole time.


You have to be a confident dude to be married to you because I'm just going to be egocentric here.


As you pointed out, I, too, am on TV and yet even I am dwarf at times by my wife's success or by what she's making on Frozen or all these things that have been conventionally emasculating to me.


Like I actually have had to work through these things, like I'm not a man if I'm not the number one breadwinner. So I do think it takes a lot of confidence. Is he super confident?


Is he got beady and swagger?


Yeah, no, that is interesting. I think even with my you know, I was married previously, but even with with that person, that was a big problem. And I was like, I have to be with someone who really has their own, whether they're famous or not, their own life. And I think what's so cool about Carl and everyone that's gotten to know him, he loves his life and he loves his equestrian world.


And he's like he's so cool in that arena, literally in that arena. So he he gets so fulfilled.


I know that that worked out. That was good. Why? What does he do? He's a horse guy. He's a professional show jumper. So he travels all over the world and he's on big teams and shows for our country and like does all like he's very well known on the West Coast. American writer. I say that because it's a worldwide sport and it goes crazy.


So, yeah. So he does very well in what he does. And it's so important because I love horses so much and I love riding and that's a big part of my life. I love what he does so much that I get obsessed with his lifestyle.


You know, I'm the one that's like, this was so cool. You did so good today. And it's such a it's an interesting community and an interesting job that he has. And we just both share that passion and he loves it.


Well, our job is deceptively boring, right? Like people on the outside, of course, it seems very exciting, but in point of fact, it's pretty boring when you bring visitors to set they're super into it for about eighteen minutes. It's the worst. And then they're bored out of their fucking mind. And they had planned the whole day to be there. And neither of you can handle it.


You're just like, I can't entertain you, you're bored, go home. But riding horses like people are getting injured.


Yeah, right. That is more exciting stuff. It's like watching a race. It's the worst when your friends want to come watch a taping of a sitcom, that's the worst.


So they're like, I want to sit in the audience. I'm like, no, you don't. And they're like, no, we do. And then it's like three hours. And I see them up there like, it's horrible. I don't know what it is about a sitcom set with an audience.


It's always fucking freezing. And the guys bring a coat and they're up there and they're in they're starving because it's now been three or four hours and no one's eaten anything. It's just not a good experience. But it's hard to express that because, you know, it sounds so cool and it's just not have you should have bet on this.


Kristen and I were obsessed with one season of American Idol. I can't remember which now, but enough so that we got ourselves invited to see one of the final shows alive.


And so we were like, oh, this is great.


Like we've been watching on in the living room and now we're here. And what you don't realize, have you gone? Well, your sounds on the voice.


So she was but that was a little different. But yes, I have not done American Idol, but.


Yeah, well, let me just tell you, it sounds like shit. They're. Because they're you're seeing in this enormous warehouse, it's not like a mixed like it is on television, so. Right. You're seeing the person you like, but you're not hearing it the way you want to.


That is so true. The only time we sat in an audience for something like that, I used to be obsessed with The Biggest Loser. Oh, great.


I loved it. I loved it. And I became such a diehard fans that they invited me to the finale so that that was a great finale.


Because then you saw the major reveal that I've been watching all year.


You may come out and their life is change and it's amazing. But that was a good finale to be up. And I was I was obsessed with that show for a long time.


But OK, let's drill into it just a bit, I got to imagine. So the episodes you were watching, they were one hour. Yes. And the reveal is probably 18 minutes of it. But how long were you there for that?


It was a couple hours. You're right. It was way longer because then, you know, they're cut it. It's it's even as an actor, it's way more fun to watch it on TV. It's all right. The music, all the stuff.


I know so far as to say that most sports as well are just better. You better like when I go when I've gone to a football game, I don't know what's happening. I don't know who caught them. I don't I miss when the ball's thrown.


I don't know who's running, who has the ball. Yes.


At least when you're watching it, they're explaining every fucking thing that's happening.


Yes, you can be a dumdum like I am about it and still really follow the game. No, totally. I'm the same way. Where are you at right now? OK, so right now I'm in Toronto. I am quarantining in a very nice apartment where one weekend of quarantining, I'm shooting a movie here.


So they're very, very serious about quarantine in Canada.


OK, well, that is a surprise. I know. I know. It's like Pleasantville here. And from the minute we landed, they call us every few days. They I don't know who they are, but they call and they say, have you left the apartment? How are you getting food, all these things to make sure we have not left.


Do you feel like you're in Handmaid's Tale and you're one of the people who have escaped to Canada and they're like, yeah, a pair of you. Yes.


And I have a newborn baby right there. So strange. No, no, I'm just joking.


I was like my I did not research enough. You're with child.


I have that. Oh.


So what's the policy with canine visitors? Raith horrible, crazy. Parker Right. Well, it was harder trying to get the paperwork for this dog. It was really, really it was harder than us getting in the country, letting the dogs in.


Did you consider just buying one that looks similar to that one while you were in town, giving it up for adoption when you have a good idea that you find it a home?


Oh, my God, who is it? Someone got in trouble. So much of their dog Australia on a private plane.


And then they got they got a ticket and there was a court feelings.


I feel like that was Johnny Depp. Yep. Bingo. Nailed it. Yeah, exactly. Yep.


Any animal news I have is a Google alert, so it just comes straight to my inbox. Anything with animals.


You and Kristen would be best friends. Yeah, anything. I'm like, how's the dog?


I was just about to bring that up. So my wife. So who are you interviewing today? And I said Jewel and then Carly. And she goes like occasionally if she knows the person she's doing my research for me, she goes, Yeah. Oh, she's a great, great woman.


She loves dogs and loves animals.


And she took about nine minutes just saying how much you like animals. And then I look like, thank you, honey.


Yeah, I'll probably still do a little digging, but for her, that's all she needs to know about someone.


It's all that matters. I love that she said that that warms my soul. No, it's true. That's what everyone knows about me. They're like she's the one that loves dogs. I know it's all about the animals.


So Carl. Yes. Have you and Carl been together and you notice there's a dog that is off leash and apparently does not have an owner present and you've got to stop everything and get involved?


Does that happen all the time? I look for a problem. Yeah. Like, I'm literally looking out the window, kind of like there might be one over that. Like I'm nuts. They don't just come to me. I'm searching for it.


Right. Because your identity is that you rescue animals. And then so you you got to confirm it pretty regularly.


Over the last few years, that's what I've wanted to use my voice for, is rescue. That's been a big part of my life in recent years. So I don't know. It's very important. I'm just lucky I met a guy who's that obsessed. I mean, we have seven dogs. Oh, my goodness.


Wow. Is that over the legal limit? It's actually hoarding limit. So I'm not supposed to tell anyone that we have seven.


That'll be the one thing your publicist asked us to edit out. Can you take out that she has we do think that's an infraction in L.A. County.


Yeah, we actually live in an area where there's a rule. You can have as many animals as you want, which is why we go there. Yeah.


For your safety. Are you afraid to tell me what part of. A city that is I'm curious where that is, you know, where we're hidden hills in Hidden Hills, you can have because it's a kind of a horse community, you could get as many animals as you want. So that's really a big reason why we moved there.


Your once Charmed co-star lives right there, right? Are you neighbors? Oh, Alyssa. Yeah.


You know, I haven't talked to her in a long time, but you might be right about that. I love her.


She was married to my previous agent, so I went there once and yeah, it's just animals galore. She's awesome.


I have a good story about her, too. She's got a happy story, right? Yeah, of course. I know. It's really sweet. So I did one year of Charmed. It was a long time ago. Anyway, I was so terrified to join that show because the girls and it's just a lot like you're not part of that cast.


It was overwhelming as the 21 year old to go into that. Our twenty year old, I was like these girls. I hope they're going to be nice. Like it was a lot. And I was the new girl and they've been together for seven years. Anyway, long story short, my first day of work, I had to go in for the gallery shoot. Oh, right. They've already been shooting, by the way.


I got asked to come the afternoon. So all morning they're shooting their pictures together. Contacts. Really cool. Yes. Sorry. Yes. So a gallery shoot is when the TV show you're on has this enormous photo shoot and what happens inevitably at them, especially like I was on Parenthood Reiser's fourteen cast members. And where are you in this photo? Right. I mean, theoretically, whoever center of the photo is most important and then disseminating out. So if you're flanking this photo, you're starting to get very insecure.


So it's just a very heightened area for insightful. No, you're totally right. So my horror. So they've already been shooting their poster stuff all morning. I come in the afternoon and I, I get there and they're on a lunch break. So they've already been doing all this stuff. Anyway, I'm terrified to the point of, like, really wanting to cry, that fear of like these. Oh, my God. So I walk into the makeup room and I see they're all sitting in the corner having lunch.


You know, that situation like I mean, you're getting mean girls fear this is real scary.


And I walk in and I look and I give a wave and Alyssa stands right up, leaps across the couch, puts her arms around me and goes, welcome to our show. I'm so happy you're here.


Oh, I know that sounds really small, but that changed everything for I'll never forget that she did that because I was so scared and she didn't have to do that.


You know, it's funny as I was going to bring up that show solely because it's spooky season and you played a witch. That is true.


I didn't think I'd ever talk about charmed. That was so random that that just came up. But remind me of Alyssa. And yes, it's spooky season and I've played a witch.


I would have glossed right over your one year uncharming, but I wrote it down thinking, you know, she played a witch. It's relevant right now.


Well, look at that. It came up so naturally talking to him. Alyssa ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Monica Ding, ding. OK, so really quick.


When one plays a witch series like, let's just say Daniel Day Lewis, Dan Lewis, if he was going to play a witch right, he would have learned everything about the history of the witches and he would have probably like done some pretty accurate witch stuff, I guess. Yeah, I wouldn't at all. I would watch, like, you know, a cartoon or something. Did it even cross your mind? Like, I should brush up on what witches are now?


OK, I just want to know where you're if you're on the spectrum or the Dan Louis spectrum.


No, I'm definitely on the spectrum. That's not my no, no.


It was all like I mean, it was charmed, like it was cute. And which I heard a new charmed is out, I think fantastic. Just in time. But I know.


Just in time for your spooky season. Yeah. Oh man.


What was your power. What was your power on. Charmed. I could move things with my mind. Tell telepathy. Telepathy. Yeah. Oh OK.


So you want to hear something interesting? We would have never known this, but yesterday we interviewed this expert, a religious studies professor who studies exorcisms and he actually told us why, which is right.


Broom's we found this out yesterday. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding. Spooky season.


Do you want to know why I was trying to think of I if I've heard this, I feel like this came up when I watched Harry Potter one night and someone had this conversation. Now you go ahead. You tell me you've got my attention now. I love Harry Potter, you know, tell me.


Tell me. OK, so they would accuse these women in Germany of witchcraft, right? And they would say that they had committed this seance in this area of the forest and people would start asking, like, how logistically did they get to that area of the force and back? It was because travel back then was just so impossible. So. Right.


The accusations that these women were doing it was impossible. So they literally, just because they wanted to believe that part so bad that they had gone to the specific forest to perform this ritual, they had to invent a way that they could have possibly gotten there. And they just said that they can ride brooms.


Did I get that right, Monica? Yeah, I think so. I tuned out, but I think you did it right, you little bastard.


I was just going to bring you into this, Monica, because I've only talked to two Callies in my whole life and two of them I spoke with in the last 20 minutes, I had a fear you were going to say that.


But this is Jack has a problem with names. So my best friend who's in town, his name is Carly and yours is Cayle. Yes, but a lot of yes, mine is Carly, but a lot of people usually get it wrong. And they say, Carly, I didn't hear you say Carly. Did you know?


I said Carly the whole time, every time he is calling my friend the wrong name. OK, that's what it is. Yeah.


If I've got to prioritize in this moment, Monica, I'm going to say, oh, yeah, ok, OK. Honestly, I didn't even notice because people get my last name wrong so often that noticing my first name is like wouldn't even matter to me. I've been practicing it all day.


You have I want to say Coko, I would love to say Coko. So I got to say no, I'm not going to respect you.


So I've been practicing saying Cuoco dayjob.


Want to hear something so crazy. My last name means Cook in Italian. So I've gone by Kaili Cook for years. Right. It's obviously way easier for someone to say so. Even my dad, when we were younger, we our reservations would be undercook and our hotel. It was always cook because no one could spell it or do the other thing.


So anyway, when I met Carl, I met Carl Cook, that's his name.


So I mean, isn't that really wild? So I didn't have to change anything.


Well, I'll tell you what, Monacan, I think I can speak for her in this moment as we are in Monica's father's simulation. YouTu. Yes. Kaili, welcome.


Welcome to my father's simulation. So her father bought this really expensive simulation package. He's somewhere in a in a vegetative state experiencing this in a pod. And you're a part of it. And of course, your husband's last name is the Italian of your name.


You know, it's because it's way too convenient and it's really just laziness on the designers of the simulations part.


Just so you know, sometimes they fuck up and they make the things too coincidental, really obvious. And this is those circumstances. It really is. No, I agree.


You win from Kaley Cuoco, Cook to Care.


Well, look, I go by Kaili Cook and Kelly Cook. That'll make it easier for you.


I do have one question about ask Carl Cook and I don't know if you're comfortable answering it, but you'll tell me. I project my own fears and insecurities onto other people. So I saw that his father is so accomplished. Carl's father, he is a director of eBay and some other giant company and he's just very successful. So if I were you and I went to meet him, I'm already carrying baggage that I have kind of a silly profession. I mean, it's radical that you've made a lot of money doing it.


So that part's cool.


But just going like, yeah, I say lines in front of an audience. And you're a bona fide genius who built an empire. Were you at all do you feel fearful or insecure about that?


It's funny, I was very nervous to meet my now in-laws for that exact reason, obviously, and they are so smart. His mother, too, she's extremely smart, has a lot of credits to her name.


And in fact, Scott, my father in law, credits signee my mother in law with all his success.


They were together before they had anything, before they owned a car. So they've been together this whole time. And he really credits her with how he got to where he is today. But I was very nervous.


And even there even moments where I still am there at the most. What's amazing is they're the most wonderful people.


Tell him I still am the most wonderful people in the world. They're so down to earth, you'd never know. I mean, even when I met Carl in the equestrian world, look, it's known that you got to have money. It's a little looked down upon because of that. And it's a little heat, you know, shochu. And people get mad. And I go, of course, Carl can do it because his family can do this.


And he dealt with that for a lot of years and he became known a little bit in the equestrian world is kind of I don't want to say the word jerk, but he started to recoil and get real quiet.


Sure, he was embarrassed because he felt that's why everyone was looking at him and he kind of turned to a different person now that we've met.


And I do feel like I brought out this amazing, different side of him that he's a totally different person now. And I've said, you know, Carl, that's not who you are. And that's what's so amazing.


Like when I met him, he had years into dating. I finally told him to get he had like an iPhone four. He drove his car was like a mess. And like, it's not what you think, right? Yeah.


I was so nervous when I met my in-laws and their even conversations because his siblings are extremely smart, too.


You know, they're all in the tech world and they're really, really smart. Carl is considered the black. She, in a way, the dummy of the family, he went and did this. I know you've met my son Carl, the dummy. He rides horses, I guess, for a living. Carl, are you getting paid for this?


In a way, that's Brian. Carl, feel that. I know.


I can already tell. I love Carl.


By the way, the reason I know you guys well, you'd love Carl and he would love you. You both wear your hair like that.


Oh, a man bun. His hair is now down to here and he's full man bun and he's very blond.


You guys have a similar feeling you get along. I hope you don't get confused when we have a little.


Oh, he's got this graph. You guys are very, very similar.


Acts are made really, really quick. I'm going to go further about Carl and I.


So I my passion is riding motorcycles and because I'm a control freak. So I like to take this thing that's very hard to control that speed and go to a track and control it. And then I get my esteem from that. It's the same thing with horses. It's got to be right. He loves to be able to control.


No, it's both. These things are big risks. You have to love it so much. People think it's crazy.


But until you do it, you love obviously like people probably say, how could you ride a motorcycle so dangerous? And you're like, I fucking love like you.


That's almost all they say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hard not to say it when he gets injured. Well right shoulder. I've never done so. I go to the track on the motorcycle they like. I'm so happy you do that.


That's so great. I'm so glad you're doing that with children. That's usually the second thing that's a responsible thing to do that is to be responsible.


That's really where I have a question about Carl.


Yeah. Yeah. Which, by the way, Carl comes out on November 22nd. Biomass.


No, but I think it probably makes sense seeing that he's not threatened because he also has grown up in a situation where he has had to adjust to a lead to parents and siblings his whole life. So he probably is like, yeah, I'm used to this, some training. Yeah. Here.


I think I do agree with that. And he's found something that brings him such joy and passion and he's good at it. Awesome. Yeah, I'm his biggest fan in that arena, which is which is just an arena like a writer.


So ridiculous. Does he have awesome legs and ass.


He. Yes. So he doesn't eat meat or fish or he eats nothing. He's so crazy healthy. Oh my gosh. And he grows all his own food.


Oh my lord. His garden is like a mile long and he cooks everything and I know it's really well he's not tipping and I feel inferior around him.


So I'm now I'm starting to worry that we're not going to gel well.


But but all that handling of the heavy horse, he must have the strongest legs.


He does. And he's very strong. But he's also he would probably say that it's a much lighter seat. You don't have to be strong.


It's more of an emotional thing for him. Like he would probably say, it's the opposite of strength. It's actually the lighter you are and you're kind of feeling the horse and the less you are, it's it's a calm sport. He makes it calm.


Well, OK, interestingly, when you're when you're on the motorcycle and you're in the turning, your you leaned all the way over and your knees on the ground, you have to hold so lightly on those handlebars because when it hits bumps, if you're holding on hard, you'll put all your weight into that in the front and will just fly out. So you're actually just barely holding on?


No, that is the same thing with a horse. It's like you do as little as you can and do not get in their way, you know, and kind of you're a passenger, but you're also a driver. It's very it's a weird back and forth. You want to be calm and quiet and because they feel you if you're like this and the strong, they're going to feel it, too.


So, yeah, I think what makes him so great at it is he is so calm. He must be intuitive to very intuitive, intuitive.


He has a calm sense about him. It's just how he is. You want to keep talking about Karl. He should be here for this. This is a shame.


It is a shame. It's a real missed opportunity. Monica, what if he strode through the apartment on horseback?




I was like surprised and then did a wheelie on the horse and then hopped off. DAX, are you into cars? Oh, it's all I care about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, you guys would be best friends. I'm buying one in an hour and a half when we hang up. I'm going to Mount Washington to buy a car. Yeah.


So he does say he loves cars. He old new. He loves them.


Yeah. I mean I'm ready for a blind date with Carl. You guys will both have your topknots. I think you'd be very cute. I think this could go very well. OK, great.


Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.


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OK, so you grew up in Camarillo, yes, Cameron was about equal distance to say where I grew up from Detroit. So Detroit is my city, but it was also so far away.


So I wonder for anyone else, it would seem like you grew up in L.A., but it did feel very far away. Or did it feel like you were in L.A.?


It did kind of feel far away. You know, I've been working for so long that I don't remember not working. And I but I remember, you know, we lived very far. And I just remember my mom, mostly my mom, my dad, too. But driving me four or five days a week to audition's into L.A., obviously now living in the valley and living in L.A. It's very funny because these are the places we would travel to these auditions and my mom would drive me.


I mean, thinking of how far that was to go to a commercial audition at four o'clock, you know, like every day.


God bless. It's really unbelievable. I think about that all the time.


You've bought her a house subsequently, right? I hope everyone's taking care of.


All right. Everyone is safe. Everyone's feeling safe.


Everyone's feeling safe there. They're good. No, but it is while they drove me every day, I can't believe what they did for years because I've been doing this for so long.


Yeah. So you wanted to do it. Obviously you wanted to be an actor, but also, did you want to live in L.A.? I mean, I'm inclined to think not if you live in Hidden Hills.


No, I never wanted to live in L.A. I had a very serious talk with my parents or they had one with me. And whenever I tell the story, people laugh at me because I was so young. They're like, how could this be a serious talk? But I remember it clearly.


I was probably, I don't know, maybe seven, eight.


And I had worked a lot at that point. I worked a lot as a little kid and then early teens, not so much. And then later but they said to me, they're like, you know, you're starting to book more jobs. And like, is this something you really want to do? It's pretty serious.


And I just remember going, yeah, it was in my soul. There was no like, let's do this. And my parents weren't wanting me to. They didn't care.


They said, if you like it, this is what you're doing. Yeah.


And it felt like that was what I was supposed to do.


OK, I only have a few like career questions.


One was charm because it's boogie season and then another one is no, they've never asked me about first the first television show I ever fell in love with ever.


Well, other than Dukes of Hazzard was Northern Exposure. I love Northern Exposure and they only come to find out late years later, David Chase, who created The Sopranos, he was the head writer on that show for some seasons. So I was like, oh, I guess this weirdly makes sense. But anyways, you were on Northern Exposure.


I did one episode, yes. I was very, very little. I was probably I was probably five years old. He's finding these things I haven't talked about. Charmed in years. You're on the biggest show of all time.


Yeah, we'll get to that. No, listen, you did an episode as a name because she's on that other show, OK?


They might be northern. I find it hilarious. No, no one asks me these questions.


I haven't thought about Charmed or Northern Exposure in twenty years.


Did you fly up to Washington to be on it? Did in Shoot and Roslyn Washington. Yes.


God damn. My mom went with me. I was probably five. Oh, what an age.


No, that's how far it was four years ago. It was. Yeah, I remember the scene. I was playing Barbies.


It was nineteen ninety four. And you were born in eighty five. Eighty five. Yeah. OK, so you were nine. I was nine. Eight or nine. Yeah. You're two years older than Monica.


OK, maybe I was eight. No, no. Maybe I might have been eight if I was a lot younger but eight sounds maybe. Right.


I remember I had to play with Barbies. Oh you did. And you remember who you were in a scene with. Yes, blonde.


She was. She was fake. Pregnant. Oh yes. Hollis's wife that they weren't. They own the bar.


Yes, I loved her. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Wonderful.


I can't remember that. I know, man. Good job. Ask me another weird question.


No, now we're going to get into the mainstream stuff. As you said, you got a little dicey in the teen years there for a minute.


Well, I worked a lot as a kid, and then when I hit like thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, didn't work as much. And I think that was the weird time when, like, I needed to get my high school with my GED. There was some stuff about my age and I kind of looked a little older than that, but I couldn't play that yet.


Did you get boobs earlier or something? Is that one I just kind of was like, yeah, I mean, I'm thirty four now, so I feel like I was like that.


Like I the blonde, you know, the blues like I just looked older than I don't like. It sounds so dumb saying that, you know what I mean.


You can't feel bad about telling the reality of what happened. It was so long ago but when I turned fifteen is when I booked eight simple rules.


Yeah. That's the next stop on that Kaley choo choo choo train. Yeah. So my two questions about that are obviously John Ritter. Was he the sweetest son of a gun to ever. We interviewed Jason, who I'm really good friends with. Oh, we talk. Yeah, I have such a public father. And to have to kind of share your morning with people publicly, what just what a weird dynamic that is.


That must have been so weird for. I mean, Jason, is isn't he just a magical he's the most magical human being I've ever met. Yeah, ever. So then you never met John then?


I never met John, but just I loved him so much, and particularly from Bad Santa. I think his performance in Bad Santa is so negative.


Yeah, I know. No one knew. Well, that and obviously Billy Bob movie.


Sling Blade. Yes. Yep. Beautiful. Yes. Perform.


I don't think obviously now we talk about these performances, but I don't think anyone realized he was such an unbelievable actor. Yes, he was hilarious and could do a pratfall and make you just pull your pants. Laughing But he was an unbelievable actor.


Yeah. I also feel like you must have gotten really lucky because that's a great steward of a young actress becoming a season regular on a show. I just I would guess.


Oh, it was unbelievable. I mean, you know how hard it is. It's like getting the audition, getting a pilot, getting it shot and picked up. I mean, you know, all these steps are even now even harder now.


Yeah. So I got it when I was I had just turned 16 and I'll never forget I got my license that I could drive. Yeah. I begged my mom to let me drive to the table, read by myself. Yes.


I would have to think, oh, you must have felt 36 years old.


So I felt this age right now. Yeah, she's let me do it. I had to drive to Universal. I'll never forget it was actually at Universal, even though we were on ABC. But I went to stay married and I had on because I played, you know, that fucking little hot sixteen year old, right. Yeah. Yeah.


I was dressed really sexy thinking that's what I should do. Right. Yeah. So John walks in.




And he sees me like oh hi, I'm Kiwi, I play your daughter and he takes his jacket off and puts it over me.


Oh don't ever dress like this again. Oh. Oh. What did you feel protected or embarrassed.


No, no. I felt it was really joyful, like he had a huge smile and it wasn't negative. It was like. Right.


My daughter doesn't dress like, oh, he's already playing the character. OK, ok, ok.


You covered me in the jacket and yeah. He's cute.


Isn't that the cutest by the way, how about this light that's hitting me right now.


I know. Good good porgies. Yeah.


It's like magic the sun to go down at this exact fucking moment.


Monica, look at this lighting. I know. Rob, Rob, could you do a screenshot of this? Yeah.


Yeah, I've got to go now. You scared me, Rob. Did you hear Rob is against rape charges and he goes, I got a lot.


And then I got nervous. He's gotten too many.


I did not mean it like that.


I mean, I typically take I've got a lot that's. Oh, I've got a lot. Don't you worry. Don't worry. OK, so he was just a sweetie pie, right?


The best of the best. The best of the best in every way. Yeah. I remember things like it was yesterday. He was also the guy that had three jokes and he told them every day, oh like dad jokes. And you were always like this joke it. And then he would laugh so hard that you cried every day. Yeah. He had a joke where he would come in. We used to have all these living room scenes because it was a family.


So we'd have like these dinner scenes and we would rehearse with chips.


There's always chips around and he'd always come up behind. One of us would be totally not noticing.


He he'd come and he'd put a chip on our shoulder and he'd go, do you have a chip on your shoulder? And then he'd walk away.


But every day there was someone and we would I'd be like this again and then we would laugh at. Yeah.


Do you know Ryan Hansen by chance? Why do I know that name.


Well, maybe he's that he's he's real life John Ritter. Yes. He'll he'll do the dumbest jokes.


No one could pull them off. And I my joke to him is always like if I tried to repeat the joke you made. Oh, my buddy, my buddy Ryan, like he came in and he said, where's the water?


It doesn't make any sense unless he does it. He's got some magic sauce. Yeah.


Some people have that really interesting gift. It's this this light that shines from within.


And then Katy Segal, who I've never met, but I saw 60 Minutes segment on her twenty years ago and I decided I loved her. I was like, that woman is a gangster. Exactly.


I was just going to say she's a badass. Yeah. Yeah, she is cool as shit.


I mean, she married. Oh my God. I remember when her husband was the writer of Sons of Anarchy, like she married the coolest dude. Yeah. And they're both just fucking cool together. And did she.


I'm now I'm just like going way too far out on a limb, but I would imagine that too would be a great role model at 16 to see. I have to imagine she had boundaries. She didn't take shit. She was she a beacon of that strength she was because she also had like a crazy childhood and crazy life, like she lived a wild life.


She was like a musician. And she has a crazy story. So I think she's seen a lot of crazy things. Right. So she's able to say, like, dude, I've done this.


I've done there's nothing she hasn't done. Yeah, yeah. I think she hasn't done. She's been through it and came through it.


And also coming from married with children having like this crazy show, I mean, kind of like stepping back a minute and then coming back.


That's amazing. And a great career at that point. That's pretty huge.


Yeah. It's hard to leave a show. That's a very accurate and parallel topic for you, which is she's on this iconic show and sometimes that can kill you. Like sometimes people cannot transition with you into something else. And when people do it, it's just incredibly impressive. Like, I don't know how any of us would see. Jerry Seinfeld is like a serial killer on an HBO show.


I just. You know, they're laughing because we've been catching up on comedians in cars drinking coffee. Yeah, that's just so funny that you would say that. You're right, he could never laugh.


He laughed too much while he was murdering. You would never believe him. That's a mainstay for Monica and I as well. By the way, we love that show.


That show. Love that show. Oh, my God. That's a book that you got to get on that show. DACs you got to. I don't think it's going to happen.


I feel like there isn't a comedian who's more in the cast than me and I haven't been asked. So my hunch is and probably is never going to get asked.


But because you've never met him though, right? Because I met him. I went I even went to his his wife has this great charity and he good plus foundation will will plug it good cause.


And and he's very active in helping cultivate fatherhood and having good symbols of fatherhood. So I attended one of these lunches and I said hi to and then I said something mildly weird that I think he I don't know.


I don't think I'll be your friend to be on that show. You really are. But again, it's OK if I just enjoy it. I love it. Yeah. Just say, OK, we. Yeah. Only because it's so recent to me right now because we've been watching over the last few days, I'm like, oh my God, you'd be perfect for that.


But well as the bar drops, he's kind of running out of comedians as well. So that bodes in my favor.


OK, so. Oh we are talking about. Yes. Going Katie. Exactly. No, you're right though. I think going from a show like Married, which is married with children, was so specific and that character that she played was insane, like, how do you see her outside of that? So her being able to get out of that. And Kristy, I mean, look at the whole show.


Christina Applegate, too. That's a great story. Yeah. Being on that and reinventing herself, O'Neal, he ended up on Modern Family.


Come on. Of course. Look at we just did there.


Oh, I love that. It's a success story across the board. It really is. Did you ever have any fear? Because how many years did you do Big Bang? Like, twelve.


Thirteen. Well, twelve.


So was there any point in that twelve year process where you thought this might be impossible to shake? Like is it a golden cage that's too dramatic?


No, it's not dramatic. I don't want to sound corny, but I honestly didn't think that way because I thought, OK, if this is who I am and they all know that I'm the funny blonde girl next door, that's all I do forever, then that's OK.


Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the question would be, do you think you're going to be typecast. Right. And it's cool though because the first few years. Yes. Was it so typical cliché. Cute blonde girl next door next to the nerds lol. Yes. But as the show went on she was such a real person and she was the audience.


I mean she was sarcastic. The look in her eyes was what the audiences look was to these conversations she was having with these guys. So I felt like she was actually pretty grounded as the years went on.


And but like I said, if I was going to get typecast and put in that box of being able to be funny and make people laugh, and I was going to go do more sitcoms because that's the only thing I could do, then I really was OK with that, you know, OK, now I have kind of this is a nosy question, but I'm just going to ask it because what I do think would be really fun.


I love that all of you guys and not all of you guys, but many of you guys negotiated together. So you all were getting the same raises at the same time. So often when someone gets a promotion or a raise, you can't really share it with anyone. You can't go and brag to your assistants or the guy in the copy room or whatever, but to be able to share it with two other people, like, oh, my God, you could actually I don't know, I'm assuming it's one of these rare situations where you guys could enjoy it together.


Like you could talk together about it like, oh my God, this is fucking awesome.


It was interesting. It was not like that, though.


Oh, OK. The fittest thing is, is it was not exactly like that at all in any way, but. Yes, but to your point, absolutely.


But no. Yes, but no, but I do honestly. The part that you got right was so so just the part they got right is that it happened. Yes.


So Johnny and I became very close and we were partners in this whole thing from the beginning. So him and I did share that. We shared the celebrations.


We were the ones like, can you fucking believe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did that together. Where are you going to buy a house. I'm thinking about. Fuck, I could go.


I could anywhere. I remember after the first negotiation where I was with Johnny and we walked outside and we were, you know, because all of our we have a lot of the same people on our team. So we would get all our teams together and have these big, ridiculous meetings where we'd be talking about this.


And Johnny and I would sit there like business people. Yeah, very serious.


And then we'd walk outside and it was like we were just like like what time? Twenty four times a year, minus 50 percent of taxes, minus 10 percent. But that's still good. You know, we did it.


We would cry and we would have these long, late night conversations or we would just be we would be bawling because I knew and he knew in that moment this would never happen again. Yeah. Yeah, it won't. And it was it was unbelievable to experiment him and I did that.


Oh, that's great. I like that. Because you guys dated you, didn't you?


You dated for a minute on that show. We did. So we dated really early on for almost two years. It was very early on in the show. I remember when we when we did the pilot, I was just crushin oh.


Hard on Galecki. Right. And he had a girlfriend was like I was obsessed. And then the first few episodes, we, you know, obviously we would talk and hang out. And as things went on, finally we we got drinks one night. Yeah. Had such a crush on him. And I didn't think that he felt that way about me because you didn't have a mirror.


I didn't know Namir was a logistical problem. She tells me, as it turned out, I realized I don't own a mirror.


This was a long time ago. We have things now we didn't have back then. It was before the race. I didn't have any, you know, two days before the mirror.


But anyway, we got together and just felt bad for each other for about two years. But then we broke up.


Luckily, Gianni and I came out of it so brilliantly. We're we're closer today than we ever were.


But I just remember Chuck Lurie. Yeah. The genius behind Arsham. He's the best. He's loyal as ever to he's really special. But I do remember when we broke up, you know, obviously was a little sensitive for a minute. But I remember those weeks that Chuck had written these episodes where all of a sudden our characters were like sleeping together every other second.


And Johnny and I would talk I'm like, I think, you know what? I think he did that on purpose.


I still believe he might have to get you back together or just have fun. Just to justify the latter, though, later, OK?


It's the latter. It just which makes me love him even more. But in fact, if I was with him, I would probably ask him because that came out of nowhere.


All of a sudden these characters were like all up in each, you know, out of nowhere by Johnny.


And I came out of it better than before.


It would be a very interesting situation to be dating someone, because in my mind, here's where we go. So let's say I was on a sitcom and I started dating one of the actors on the show. The first few months we were together, we'd probably be like sneaking into each other's room and we're making out and maybe we're hooking up and stuff. And then and then like a year goes by and then you're like, oh, I guess we haven't been each other's.


The writing would be so clear because you would have all these memories in the exact same silly dressing rooms. That's really funny.


Johnny used to say that he used to go. Yeah. So how funny was Simon today? Like we would talk about what happened on set and make fun of ourselves, because you're right, there was nothing to tell each other anymore. Like, we'd get there together, we'd leave together. Like it was just kind of like too much it.


Yeah, yeah.


And it's different on a sitcom because you really are, you know, on a one hour, as you know, you don't see everyone every day.


That's different right now. You rehearse all day. Every day. Yeah.




So definitely we were just kind of like I got nothing else to tell you I think.


Yeah. And now Carl awaits. I think I hear, I hear the faint pitter patter of footholds, horse hooves. What is that. What is that jump. Oh.


That's your comment, because, you know, I could do a horse thing that was pretty good folie, they say that was pretty good. Thank you. That was really good.


OK, now I want to talk about your new show because I'm actually pissed. I can't watch it immediately. I watched the trailer twice. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I generally don't do that on the show. I'll just say you've got a show. I won't act like I like you.


Yes. Hey, I heard you got a show.


Great. Anyway, tell me about your love life and Carl. Cool. How much money do you have? All right, peace.


Wow. That really is pretty much how it goes.


Check out your show comes out November 12, 2008 at Kmart. That's not the right stuff.


Oh, what was that?


I got the date wrong. No, they don't show things at Kmart.


Oh, OK. So you are a producer. You have a deal at Warner Brothers and you optioned a book called The Flight Attendant. And I presume you read that book at some point?


Well, yeah. So I three years ago I found the book and I actually when I called my I guess I called my attorney at the time and said, I want to get the rights to this book. He was like, great.


So you've read it. And I was like, yeah, I had not I did not read it at that for you, OK?


I had a bunch of people like in your circle, loved it and told you about it or why. No, no one had heard about it.


No one hadn't even been released yet. I just lied because I saw the one line of what the book was and there was a picture. We didn't look like me, but the way she was, it was really bizarre.


And I got this chill and it's just so corny. And I said, oh, my God, this is going to be a great show. Really. I just. Yes.


And then when they started, because I knew the deal was going to take a long time, some, like, just kept I don't want them to wait for me to read this. Just get moving. Yeah. Yeah.


Luckily I read it and luckily I loved it. Yeah, that's yeah. Yeah. That worked out very scene. By the way. I don't like the book, but it was great and I really simply thought this would make a good show.


OK, so the trailer is spectacular. People should watch the flight attendant and it's on HBO, Max. So watch the trailer. What I love about it is so it starts with you. You look kind of haggard are going to be honest, not like you personally, but I think the character you look a little wrung out and you're the flight attendant on an international flight. You meet this fucking sexist Karl type, an equestrian type.


And is it a biopic based on my life? Yeah.


And you got this guy is charming and you're charming back. I see it right in the trailer. You guys have to go meet cute and you give him a look. Yeah. Yeah, you give him a look and everyone knows it's party time.


So then you guys go out on the town in Bangkok. Yes. Yeah. And it is a sexy night out. It's a sexy night out. The guy's clearly rich.


He's got he's a man of means somehow. Yes, he is. He's a man of means.


And you wake up in bed next to him and it is a gorgeous room. We had an unbelievable production designer.


It really was beautiful. I'm glad you mentioned that because I'm always telling her what an amazing job she did. Yeah.


No visuals of this. I wanted to wake up next to a dead person. The second I saw was a nice. Exactly. It would be like worth it to wake up next to a dead person to.


He's dead. No, no, no, no. It's not a spoiler. It's in a trailer. It's in the trailer. Yeah, but thank you, Monica, for being on top of looking out. You really were OK. Yes, that's it.


That's what would happen.


Let me just say, in order she gets up in this very sexy environment, it's a great place to come to. And she glances at her hand and there's fucking blood on her hand.


God knows what goes through your mind at that point. Why do I have blood on my hand? She takes a peek starboard side. Right.


And my man's got a lot of blood all over him and he is deceased. OK, now, I did listen, it has a really cool tone. I can tell from the trailer. It's like a bit it's a bit funny, but it's also very stylized. And you can tell the stakes are real.


It felt very fli baghi like, but espionage and CIA. Don't catch me if you can. Thank you. Those are great little comp's.


So yeah, in a nutshell this happens and for whatever reason you decide I'm not going to call the police.


Yeah, it's a very stylized, it's very, very specific. If I could tell you how many conversations that was had about tone over the past two years, that was I mean, the tone, the tone, the tone, because you're right, it's a little it's obviously written in my voice. So it's got some fun and laughter and quirkiness. But it's a serious thing has happened. And she's got a major problem with alcohol and she's like hiding all this stuff from her childhood.


She said a bunch of trauma. So it's funny. So I watch a bunch of Dateline. I don't know if that's something you guys are into, but we interviewed Keith Morrison.


I'm obsessed with Keith Keith. Oh, well, what a fox.


The Fox. Yeah. So my point is, because I've seen so many Dateline's and obviously you guys have to where someone really does make such a bad, terrible choice. Right. They see something. They don't go to the cops or they run or the shock is like, why didn't you call someone, you fucking idiot, you didn't.


That so the only reason I believe that this is something that could happen was because I'm like actually people, you know, they panic and they don't know what to do. They fall on panic, all because a couple of things.


A, everyone acts like they know how people are supposed to or would act in insane situations, which always pisses me off and is part of why on Dateline, so many innocent people end up getting put through the wringer because they didn't respond like didn't look like his wife died to me. And so I think based on what did your wife, Diane, you react in a certain way, like what does that mean? How does someone react to their wife being killed?


Probably up three hundred billion different ways.


I'm really one of those Geggie watchers of Dateline. I don't see tears immediately. I'm immediately like, done, Carl, back to Carl.


I'm always trying to it's like a media. I'm like, that's it. He did it. And it's been two minutes into Dateline. He's like, What? Stop. I don't cry.


I've lost people I love. They didn't make me cry. It doesn't mean I wasn't processing it. But that's not my reaction. To start crying, I'm likely will make a joke on the 911 one call because that's how I deal with feeling uncomfortable. So I make a joke. I probably called me like, knock, knock. Guess who's deceased.


My wife in the other room there was bringing this full circle.


I'm going in a million directions, but we are watching, obviously Comedians in Cars and it was one of the episodes. It was a female comedian. I can't think. But he thinks every wife says, what would you do if I died? Would you cry?


He says, every wife asked that. And I asked Carl that so many times he's like, I would live a very happy life. Like he was like, it would be fine. I'm like, no, you will be devastated for the rest of your days, know not move on. And I will honor you.


I will honor you by having a wonderful time with with with your money too, by the way.


Totally. By the way, he's been waiting. He's stuck. He's well yeah. You and Chris and both have to just keep that in the back of your mind. You know, we have a lot to gain. We have a lot to gain. A lot of incentive, motive would not be hard to find in this case. Oh, my God. Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.


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I remember we were talking about I went to Dateline in the Jerry Seinfeld, I tell you my mind, your show tone, tone, the tone down.


Yes. Oh, insane. I believe that she. Yes. We don't know how people would react. Exactly. And it's super fun. It's very quick. I don't like things that take a while. I want an answer in every episode so it moves.


OK, I'm proud of it. It's been three years and I've been there from the beginning. I mean, the doors that got slammed in our face wasn't just like here you go.


You've got this show, the direct opposite of that. You know, it's not easy anymore.


It's just not any time anyone asked me now, like there's a new show and they say, hey, did you watch that show? Would you think my answer now is like, hey, they made a show. They made a show. I am so amazed.


I almost will never say something negative about something like you'll just know what I like because I'll tell you what I love. But I just won't talk about stuff I dislike because I know how fucking hard it is.


Yes, you and I know that it is not easy. I totally agree with you. I, I used to be Wajir in my younger days before I knew the real truth of how hard the shit was about.


Oh I hate that show and that this and I, I can't do it anymore because it is so hard.


OK, so there's conflicting info that came across our transom. Does it come out on November 22nd, November 26th, Thanksgiving Day.


Oh, easy to remember to say exactly.


That's what I like. Thanksgiving Day. We're going to drop the first three episodes. Then you got two more the following week, two more and then the finale.


So basically all December will be dropping the rest of the episode.


Oh, God, guys, it's going to take you from Thanksgiving, from your Thanksgiving stupor straight into open and presents on Christmas Day.


Wow. It's perfect. It's a celebration of all the holidays.


Wow, wow, wow. Oh, I have one last question.


The only thing I'm bummed about Karl being an equestrian.


I love that. It's all of we have to end on Carl. Oh, no.


That would only be appropriate at this. Yes. Soup to nuts, Carl. Now, the only bummer for you with Carl is one of the funnest things about being married to Kristen is that we know the silly vernaculars so much. And so, Kristen, I have so much fun watching TV and movies together because we know so much shit. Right. And that makes watching it so much fun. I'm trying to remember what show we've been watching, where they oh, it's Handmaids.


They got a fuckin 10k blastin in every scene, so every scene. Christens like, where's Mike. I don't see the ten K in that window.


See you guys post about this before. It really makes me laugh. Yeah.


But I just feel a little sad that, you know, maybe Carl doesn't have that base knowledge of how the sausage is made so you don't get to have as much fun watching shit like even when you're watching Dateline. Right. And you know that they asked them to walk down the hallway. Yes. It's like us.


We know that this person who's not an actor was asked to walk from their office to the copy machine for this reenactment. And it's almost impossible to do if you're not an actor. They feel so uncomfortable doing it. Yes. And it's so pleasurable to watch just because you know, that also when you find, like, the mismatches and stuff like that sort of thing.


Oh, you're crazy. Oh, yeah. That makes me the craziest.


Well, and by the way, if you're good at it, you know, you can predict it. So you'll see someone talking on their side and they've got chopsticks and some other fucking thing. They got too much prep work going in, you know, on the reverse that it's going to be nowhere in sight. So someone will predict it.


You know, it makes me crazy. There's scenes where I see where you got camera behind me. Right. And you got your hair behind your ear. Yeah. And then they come back around and you're in the hairs. I continuity. The continuity. You're the county police. Yeah, I am.


I am the most annoying to I'll be like, hey, any of the actors in my scene. I'm like, hey, you were holding the glass with your pinky.


Was that like I make people crazy because I don't like that. It does make you think about how you're going to do scenes like, am I going to sit like this? Do I put it like this for nine more hours? Like, be careful about that, right? Yes.


Well, OK, so do you know Rob McElhenney? He created It's Always Sunny and he's on it with his buddies. Yes. He's one of our favorite human beings. He's one of my good friends.


He also directed Mythic Quest, an Apple. Plus, he directed one of the episodes and I watched it. And so I said to him, I knew that you gave this project. You're all based on a single moment in this episode. What do you think it is? And he immediately goes, When I threw everything off my desk and I was like, exactly, because we know the reset of that is going to be forty fucking minutes.


If you make that choice as an actor, you're looking at a 40 minute reset of all those props. And so, man, you really care about it if you're willing to sit there, take after take for a 40 minute reset. And it was just so funny that you mean you knew that is funny.


He knew what you were talking about. There's an episode flight attendant. We do this whole thing at a funeral. But anyway, there's a scene where I'm supposed to trip and there's a guy behind me with a big tray of, like, finger sandwiches, right? Oh. I'm supposed to knock into him and the tray goes like in front of a very quiet place goes flying. Yeah, so and I kept thinking and no one really talked to me.


We talked about, like, the stunt, how I would do it.


I'm like I'm like, how are they going to clean this up? Like what there was for I mean, so many sandwiches. And I was afraid to ask something like, I feel someone's going to be like, hey, this is we didn't do this. So like maybe we're just going to do it one time.


I'm just going to nail it. So I go, I swear, this is like the prime minister should have asked this question. I'm like, you nail it because we only got one shot at this. Like, they can't clean all these sandwiches up. We don't have time. So I knock the sandwiches out, they go flying. It's really funny. And they're like, OK, let's clean up. We're going to go again. I'm like, how are they going to?


And I looked down and in two seconds they had taken the floor and made the flooring into Liberato. Yes, it was like a plastic thing to me. It was like plastic. So they they scoop it up in this trash bag that look like the flooring. I wiped it all the way. Someone had thought of that. I was so amazed by this. I couldn't get past it.


I thought it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.


This really wraps nicely back to what we were talking about, whether we are Dan Lewis or not, because all I'm thinking about, like, are we going to get these sandwiches cleaned up in under forty five minutes? We were going to do four takes of this.


You know, we're talking about three hours now for these eight hours. We need a game plan in place.


Sometimes when I'm out there, I take on everyone else's job like they don't know. Yeah, I'm thinking has anyone thought how we're going to clean these sandwiches?


And I'm so concerned that the three hundred people that we have working here that no one's discussed how we're going to do this. Well, because they don't. Sometimes I don't.


And you can't make that situation where you're waiting two hours to wait for sandwiches.


And I'm like, why did I say something? Yeah, exactly.


That's the thing is it happens all the time. You realize there's this weird inflection point where two departments overlap and both assume the other one was going to handle this.


So that is true. But they don't want the actor telling them how. No, no, no. They want you to know your lines and be good. What between takes you in over and you say to the director, you just have a question about the scene. So my character knocks over those sandwiches. And so who's cleaning them up?


Yeah, he thinks for sure you're going to or she thinks for sure you're going to say, like, why is my character klutzy? Is it's been established as a one off where I lost my balance. Am I going to go like once?


Where am I emotionally in the series. No, I'm concerned about who is cleaning up these sandwiches, how fast, because I want to get to lunch and I don't want to be worried about this right here.


Susan, did someone bring extra trash cans for the organic matter like this? One of there's there's a plan in place?


Well, Kelly, not to be confused with Monica's best friend, Kelly did it for you guys. My face hurts from laughing. Kelly, the cook who's married to Carl the cook really quick. You have seven dogs. How did this guy hit the lottery?


He's so lucky. I know he hit the lottery. I just decided to travel with him. I've always wanted a dog to travel with. None of my dogs travel. A lot of them are older and they're all rescues with very unstable emotionally. And then my husband is attached to two of them, so he always takes two with him.


So we always have to barter like who gets to.


But I rescued Dumpy actually during quarantine.


I've only had him for like eight months and I wanted a senior little dog.


God, you and my wife and my wife are like probably outbidding each other for the one eyed, three legged.


Well, that's hard for me to chambered heart diabetic. Yeah. Oh, my.


The worst life. Worst situation. I need the worst back story. I want it all and I want the before because I want the no it's just bad. And I spend all night looking online for this. Oh it's like you are and I'll just cry and it's really. Oh my God.


You guys should maybe have a little support group for this crazy people. Yeah. Yeah. This is what you need to do. Like Kristen found this to be a really good technique to prevent herself from ordering everything she sees on the Internet, which is a brilliant idea for her. She just put stuff in bags. Right.


And you just get you OK in her car, you mean? Yes. She feels she's just like, yeah, OK. She's got thousands of cards all over the Internet filled with shit. Yeah.


And then it's like maybe tomorrow I'll actually like, let's leave the cart today, see how I feel.


Yeah. So you guys need an app that you can put these dogs in the cart so that Karl and I don't have to trip over these blind dogs who shit all over the house. We don't have fucking carpet in the house because the dog shits everywhere. So the whole house is echoey. I step in poop, I don't know, twice a morning getting my coffee. Yeah. Yeah I know.


Let's, let's get in the car and then, you know, maybe we'll revisit it.


There's literally barf all over the floor right now. So this is the. Perfect, what you just said, perfect. All right, well, what a pleasure talking to you. You guys were so much fun and hopefully I bring Karl next week and my assistant come take a selfie with you guys.


Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.


I career here can take a picture. Yeah. We're going to take picture already. Thank you. I told you, she's the only time she's ever done this AMA.


How long have you been insisting the cook? Two and a half years. OK, great. Have you ever been asked to come help with one of her dog crises? So.


Oh my God. OK, I could 90 percent of your job all the time.


Oh, all the rabbit crises.


Oh yeah. She's had to deal with the rabbit and her goat crises. Oh. And you had to deal with the goat that one time. Yeah. She's had to do a lot. Oh, I see.


You're a veritable veterinarian now also. Do you find because I want to see how similar these two are.


Kristen and Kaylee. I see Newt around everyone. Yes. Yes.


I think it was like my very first day with her.


I was like, oh, dude, this is weird because, I mean, that is an actress thing we're used to in. And I think we're used to changing and doing wardrobe fittings. And that, I think is what it is.


OK, but will Kristen do, like, you know, door open, peeing. Oh, shit.


Exclusively. She she doesn't know why we have a door on the bathroom. She's but we don't by the way, we we don't have a door on our bathroom.


I'm like, what is this.


We can't really talk. But Monica Monica as many times explained, like the going from like she was just babysitting the kids for a little while and then we figured out Monica was a brilliant writer. So then she started writing stuff for Chris and then also she took over Kristen's life. And then on that day, Kristen just bare naked in front of her like, welcome to this job. That's the welcome.


Yeah, that means true love right there, though. I think even before. Yeah. The interview was nude, the interview. Not because because I think that with look, when you look for an assistant is to really trust their confidentiality. And you wouldn't do that with somebody who, if I didn't trust you, sketched out by.


Do you have an NDA? Oh, yeah. I don't know what Monica has won. And she keeps acting like she didn't sign well, but. But she did.


You signed one. It's missing and I'm going to expose everything. I don't know where that thing went.


I don't know where that fortunately for him, I can pay out the NDA now. So, yeah, that's true.


When she signed it, it meant a lot and now she could give a shit.


So not anymore. That also simultaneously to that happening.


Monica is now you're fucked because if you take me down I know I'm going down with the ship.


You're going down with the ship. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. We you get it. You got a ways to skin this cat.


Speaking of spooky Halloween, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. All right.


Well, again, what a fun time. That was really fun. You guys are awesome. Thanks for talking about Carl.


He's yeah. We got to get Carl on the show next week. We're going to have him on as an expert in equestrian.


You'll look at each other because does he not look like Carl right now? The hair and telling you with the top knot you're going to die? He's got long hair right now. It's car.


OK, you know, it's very nice. I'm sorry, Carl. You guys are adorable. Welcome to Zach Braff and nice club.


All right.


For real this time. Have fun up there. And Monica, thank you, too. Thank you.


That was a blast, you guys. Thank you so much. I take er. And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soul mate, Monica Padman, I want to say one thing.


We don't know the results of the election quite yet. But I got to say, one thing that made me kind of sad for Joe Biden was, have you seen this video clip of Obama sinking like a three pointer? I love it.


Oh, of course. Who doesn't? Oh, my God, what a gangster. Not just he's such a stud.


He just slides that fucker through the hole. Nothing but net. Oh. And then he said, what is he saying? That's how I do or something. So.


God, I love it. Yeah.


And then you notice poor Joe's walking like 20 feet behind.


Yes. Yes. No. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're a piss poor guy. He's out there campaigning.


And then this slick motherfucker just hoists up a three and sinks.


They're both campaigning. He's campaigning for him. No, but he must have thought, yeah, that's the star right there. Get even six, three pointers.


And then he bookends it with a cool saying he makes it look so casual. Yet, Joe, like Joe. God bless Joe. I like Joe. He does fancy himself like cool Joe.


That's pretty obvious. Awesome sunglasses and eats ice cream. Right. So he thinks he's cool Joe. But then someone with real cool swag walks in and I'm just like, don't do that while he's standing there. Just do that on your own.


You're totally misreading it. He supports his friend. They support each other and such a great way he didn't you hear like so yeah, he does walk behind and he says, whoa, nothing but net.


Oh, boy, that's a bummer. Yeah. That's the most generic thing you can say. It's this is what the equivalent is. I'm going to tell you.


It's your wedding day. It's your wedding day. It's Joe's wedding day.


He's running for president today. Is that well, the on the campaign trail. It's his wedding day, right? It's so upcoming wedding.


It's your wedding day.


And then in walks, I don't know, pick your.


Who is it? Who's the hottest female you think to ever live? Oh, what's her name from Breakfast at Tiffany's. So I have Audrey Hepburn. Hepburn Heparin. Audrey Heartburn.


Ah, Audrey Heartburn, artery heartburn.


She comes in and gives the best woman speech. Bridesmaid speech, OK. And her dress falls off and then her beautiful titties are out.


Then I'll take off my shirt and then you to compete with that Özge. OK, I made a terrible example.


She, she's got she's in the outfit from Breakfast at Tiffany's, OK. And all of a sudden you realize like her dress is so much prettier than mine and she gives a Nobel Prize winning speech and then you're like, oh fuck, maybe you shouldn't marry my husband. That's what Obama did to Joe Biden by thinking that three point. Oh, no, no.


He should just run like, you know, now's not the time for me to drain this this three pointer. I disagree, OK?


Because first of all, it is a kind of good analogy, OK, because I would be picking her as my maid of honor, right?


Yes. Joe picked. That's right. Barack to be on the campaign trail with him because they're best buddies. Yeah. Yes, they are best buddies. All right.


You really think they are best buddies?


Yeah, it's well known.


OK, it is. It is like I guess what I'm asking is how much time are they spending?


Rob is here and his shirt is a picture of the two of them as best.


But that's exactly what made me think of this, is I just felt a little bit bad for Joe that on his big day, Barack was such a stud.


You can see what I'm saying.


I do see what you're saying. But I do think you're putting it through your filter. And I don't I think Joe is really not caring about that.


You know why I got while he was just fucking now just drained a three on his face with the microphone, you know?


Anyway, you know, I was Audrey Hepburn for Halloween this last weekend.


No, you were your Audrey Hepburn as a spider in a spider web.


Audrey Hepburn in college. And very hard. I'll tell you, that dress is not that pretty. And so whatever dress I would be wearing would be. Yes.


But in that scenario, you have to assume that the dress is way prettier than yours because he looks so much cooler than Uncle Joe Biden.


That's not really fair about outfits and stuff, because I think they're aware and so helpful. But also. OK, I'll look back up, back up, back. OK, yes.


Obama is cool than Joe. Yes. Yes. I want you to give Obama a one out of ten for that move.


Oh, ten, ten. Now I want you to give one out of ten. Uncle Joe walking behind him with the mask on, going home alone.


I have to cut that out because you're making him sound. You know, I was that was muffled from the mask. That's what that was. No, I'm not I have no opinion on his personality.


I thought, no, that's not what he said. He said, whoa. But I love that. That, to me, looked like a real friendship, like to real people. Yeah, I loved that. Agreed. But take Obama out of the equation.


You just see a man crossing the gym and he goes, whoa, nothing but net. What do you give that at 10:00 for the cool factor.


I, i it's not something I would call cool but I. Exactly but but no. Why is everything in cool terms.


Because it's his big day and this guy walks and any like upstages him so bad. It was that sweet three pointer day. It was. Look I don't think it's Barack's fault. He can't help but be chill and cool.


That's how I do, that's right. That's how he do. But what would you give the like watching a shot and coming out of ten for this cool factor? For a first saying nothing but that, yeah, 10, because that's sort best friend. I thought that was so cute.


I thought his reaction, that part was important to the whole video.


OK, let me try to reframe this. There's a video of Joe Biden available on the Internet to him and Jim going, wow, nothing but net.


Do you think that goes viral? No. OK.


And then there's a but then there's there's a photo of the president just kind of haphazardly catching a pass on a noer immediately converts it to three points. Yes. That's amazing. That's viral. I know Joe Biden didn't do anything that went viral. It's OK. But but Barack did.


He got a lot of eyes on him over this campaign. OK, I'm not I'm not worried. All right.


I think he doesn't care. And that's why I love. That's cool. Not caring.


If your friend upstages you, I can put it into a better term.


So I once was on Kimmel while promoting chips and I rode a motorcycle down a staircase and out onto the stage. This was my big moment would have Travis Travis Pastrana just happened to stop by to say hi to me and he jumped over the stage and did a flip and then landed. It'd be like, oh, poor DACs. That's a bummer. What inconvenient timing that Pastrana happened to show up.


OK, I don't know if that said you tried like six or seven analogies at this point.


So the Audrey Hepburn one going back to that.


Yeah, the thing is, I wouldn't say, oh, maybe she should just marry my husband, because in this scenario for making it analogous, she would be married already because Obama was already president and can't be president again.


So we're saying like, oh, shit, but be him.


He is maybe going like I bet they want him to be president. Really? Well, of course we all do. OK, that's kind of what he does, I bet. I don't think he's doing this as a generous act for the country. He is.


I don't think you think if he had the legal right to just hand the election straight to Barack, he would give it back to him. Yeah. Oh, wow.


As long as he could still be around and hang out and help. I mean, he helped. He's the reason we have gay marriage. He convinced Obama on that. Well, Ted Olson's the reason we have gay marriage is he he defeated it.


And there's many more, I guess. But he was instrumental in Obama's.


Oh, him changing his mind. I think we said all there is to say about Audry Obama. Yeah, we do agree to disagree. I would just hate to be doing a wheelie in front of a crowd because that's my big stunt.


And then Pastrana does a backflip over my head like I regret even trying to.


Well, it was OK. No, no, no. But also one other thing. They were just in I don't know what they were doing in that basketball court. They got hungry. They're eating in the cafeteria. Right.


So it wasn't oh, I don't know what was happening, but they weren't there to play basketball. It'd be right if they were there to get Joe attention.


But no, look, listen, if Joe was playing basketball, OK, and then Obama just ran on by ball. Yes. And that would be bad. That would be embarrassing. Or what if Joe is defending him?


They were playing one on one and Barack dunked on him. Yeah, see, that would be bad. And I would be mad at Obama for doing that.


But the help of that, though, his training would take over and he'd probably. Duncan Cool.


Joe, I think Joe is so cool. I love his sunglasses and I love his ice cream.


And, you know, he's not trying to be cool, but, you know, he's like owning himself. You know, Joe Cool is though.


He's Snoopy. Snoopy. Joe Cool. What's that mean? Snoopy, you know, from the Peanuts. Yeah, he's the originator of Joe Cool.


Oh, that's why. Yes. With the sunglasses. Kud Oh my gosh. I love that Joe is not trying to be Obama. He's owning him.


That would be a big mistake. Well, no, just they're very different men. Yeah, they're best friends. He can't that would be cultural appropriation if he tried to be.


You're right.


OK, OK. Just be careful here. We're in very dangerous territory. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Anyhow, we don't know the elections. This could be really not funny or funny, depending on how people feel.


Better be funny.


Oh, by the way, did you get your Delta Force and I know you were envious of mine in the bathroom because you can pull it out.


Yeah. And you couldn't stop talking and bragging about it, so I had to get my own. What one did you get? I got the Kaira pulled down.


Fosset pull down just like you pull down, just like you.


Mine is really gorgeous. It's like a feminine, unbroken line, like just one kind of big, nice, beautiful piece, as if it's just like an unbroken stream of water.


It is. And you know what?


I didn't know. I don't know if you told me this. I said, but it uses 20 percent less water. Well, in L.A., that's a big thing because the water bills are outrageous.


Yes, it's amazing. My new house is filled with Delta and I'm so excited. Yeah.


So, um, did you get the kind of blackish I guess onyx one. Yeah, it's black. Oh, that's so big.


So it's really sexy. It's just pretty. The whole thing is like really gorgeous and efficient and high tech. Now when I pull mine out, it's to get rid of beard hairs.


What do you anticipate. Toothpaste. Toothpaste. Yeah, I'm always dealing with that stupid toothpaste that just sticks in the bath. I hate that. So what about eyebrow hairs that those end up in the basement, right?


Yeah, I don't want it. Don't remind me. I don't want to ruin the illusion, but. Well, that sounds awesome.


Welcome to the club. OK, cool Joe. Truth be told, we took a lunch break. Well, motivated by you needed to look up some fresh eyes and to look up some facts, but also we ate lunch.


Yeah. Oh, let me say this. Can I say this? I talk about meat so much on here and then I feel bags. I know there's a lot of vegetarians. I also know that it's not good for the environment.


So I just want to say something. So I'll come on here and wax poetically about a juicy rib eye we have.


Right. Really promoting it inadvertently through.


So I want to say that last night I got home and I made a light life veggieburger so good and I grilled onions with it.


Oh, popped it on a plate. Gnomon and then avocado on top ketchup and mustard. And it was a ten in every way.


I wish I had made three. I was about to say that's not enough. One guy was it good.


And then to get gross my stool this morning so soft and nice came out so easy. Yeah. Yeah.


It was not slowed down by any animal products. Can you tell me about the grilled onions. Yeah. So I took a yellow onion and then I made some very fine slices down. All right.


Really thin. You know I like to do onions very thin. Yeah. I got to say that you're responsible for this grilled onion rings because you encouraged me to get animal style fries it in and out.


Oh, God, they are so good. I did that for the first time, I guess five months ago. And I've, I don't know. I've had them six times since. I just love them. And there's grilled onions on them.


So tasty they are. That's what gave me the idea last night.


That's the first time I ever grilled onions. So I've done some paper thin slices of the side of an onion.


Easier said than done. Cutting in onions hard. Yeah.


The thing is, even if you started thin, the wife, the wife, the knife wants to wander left or right and get thicker or thinner.


So it's really hard to keep it consistently separate.


So I had probably four nice thin slices, the whole onion and I take it the outside part off that's got the skin.




Once the burgers cooking because it's got a nice amount of oil in it, I then toss them in there, then they flip it over onto the onions, OK, and so there's some weight on those onions and then I take the burger off and then I flip the onions themselves over and then I put the other side now on it, grilling on top of the onions. So the onion taste is getting into the burger and then the onions themselves got just beautifully caramelized.


And then I just took the spatula and put the whole thing on a plate.


That sounds so good. It was incredible.


I just say something I don't think you're going to like, OK? I think caramelized onions and grilled onions are actually different things. And I think grilled onions requires a grill. I think I don't know that for certain.


Here's the thing. They don't cook on a grill at in and out. They cook on a big flat sheet metal surface.


Oh, but I think that's a big grill.


Well, if you think of grills having grates, all the pan is is a grill heating up of sheet of metal, which is the same thing as what's happening in in and out. Now, charbroil don't get can be.


That's what they're doing over a Burger King or Char broiling their burger whopper.


Yeah. And they've got a grill with flame. So it's flame broiled, it's charbroiled, it's charred and there's no flame touching the burger at in and out. Nor was there flame touching my burger last night.


Well that sounds tasty and I wish I could have that.


It was so delicious. I really was thinking while I was eating it, with the exception of one, I make Smash Burgers, which is its own thing. It's its own production. You can't really make a burger better than that.


The light life one I had last night, it just doesn't taste really good.


It doesn't taste better unless you kill it.


Well, Emily's Burger, well, of course, like the top five, but then below that, just the consistency of those burgers, they're always delicious. Yeah.


This episode coming up with onion. Onions. Yes. Yes. But would you like an onion? Yeah.


Now that you grill them, I do expect you to offer me onions. When I come in, we'll start with a plate of caramelized grilled onions. What do you think happens in caramelized? And you think I add sugar to the onions?


Yeah, you were saying grilled. And I just think what you're doing is is sauteing onions, which is delicious. Why else is that caramelized one? I know, and I think caramelized does require some additive thing.


Let's ask your sister. Let's call her. OK, let's get her on the phone.


Carly is the resident cook. She's a chef. She's legit.


The best cook chef I've ever tasted food from. She's the Kittridge. Hello. Hey, you're on the air. We have some questions for you. Yeah, we have a debate going OK. I said I. I put grilled onions on my burger last night and I said they were caramelized. And then now we're in a debate about what's grilled onions versus what sauteed onions versus what's caramelized or are they all the same thing.


Oh, wow. Grilled onions. Because it's you get the the car. Yeah, yeah, that's I mean, that's a no brainer, I think.


OK, that's one in my book.


OK, 38 is you just don't them until they're like Lucent. So it doesn't necessarily mean that they like it. They softened. And then when you realize that you cook them slower and at a lower heat, lower and slower until they actually brown a little bit, the sugars in the onion actually caramelize. So attisso one for me.


Are you sure you just caramelize them by heating them. That's exactly what I.


But how do you know you didn't just stay because Carmelina because they were they were brown on the outside.


Karlee can they be brown and sauteed.


I mean yes. I think that it's not your heat was because if it's slower than the sugars caramelize, the heat is going to your business.


If I can be candid, no one needs to know what he does cooking.


Now, what I'm saying is that I took some money, as I say, slice them paper thin. I put them in with my burger and they were caramelized at the end. They were caramelized.


But wait, backtrack what he said. Did you know what kind of fat did you throw in the pan?


Oh, once again, no one's business. But as you know, those like like burgers, they have a bit of, I assume, coconut oil on them. Yeah. Yeah. So I let it cook a little bit.


So some of that oil came out and then I popped them just right on that oil.


OK, but what was your heat setting like, Ryuji. Again, everyone's really hung up on the heat setting because I generally here's what I generally do with my heat.


I get the pan pretty hot with a high heat and then I turn down to a medium. I like to cook a medium.


So it was all being cooked on medium and it took a while. It was at least a 12 minute cooking time, six on each side. All right. All right.


I'll give you a caramelized on it. It was like a twelve and probably a likelihood that the sugars were Carmelites.


OK, it tasted very cool. But don't you call when you caramelize, you add like some extras. I mean, when I come on. Yeah, yeah. You don't. You and I do. What do you what do you do like at the last three or four minutes of it. I doubt some of the cooking sherry can be cream. Sherry could be regular sherry but then I like that I'll cook off. It's really nice.


It's so nice. That could be potentially tricky waters for me, right. If I'm using Sherry has alcohol in it now it cooks out.


You're good. You're golden because it's alcohol. OK, all right. So I just I to make sure I don't like pour all in and be like it's dinner served.


All right. Well it sounds like I was right. I was right to thank you.


Thank you. Thank you.


We might be calling you throughout with cooking questions. Yeah.


This might have started a cooking debate that'll go on the fact check. I love this. All right, let's do it. I love you. I love you. Bye.


OK, Kaylie. Can't be so fun. So fun. I feel a little bad because we mainly only talked about Carl.


I don't.


OK, I think she enjoyed talking about Carl. She loves Carl. She married him and he's a horseman. I know we've never talked to a horseman.


And if you have even proxy access to a horseman, you've got to take it. You're going to get questions. Yeah.


Who wouldn't have a bunch of questions for a horseman? How do you say a horseman or a horseman? Oh, I don't see any of those, but if you had to. I would say Horsman, because a Horsman, it sounds like have like a center, yes, half horse, half man. That's right.


100 percent American and Texas by the grace of God. Oh, gee, Texan, by the grace of God.


Do you guys have any scenes like that in Georgia? I feel like a peach. Yeah, but you know what they say in Texas, American by birth, Texas by the grace of God.


They also say the higher the hair, the closer to God. Oh, OK. What great state pride they have. I wish we had some saying in Michigan.


You have the mitten saying you guys are always holding up your hands like mittens.


That's kind of. But it's not like a I'm extra lucky to be a Michigander, you know, American by birth, Michigan or by. Hmm, life's lottery, this is brought to you by the Michigan State lottery. Well, I think it's because Texas is kind of its own thing. You know, like Georgia is just part of the south. So they have like a Southern. They really like, you know, take that on. Yeah. I mean, you guys have like a Midwestern thing.




But again, we're just lumped into the Midwest with Ohio and Illinois and Pennsylvania. Right.


But but I guess that's why because Texarkana, they're on their own. Well, right. They were virtually their own country. Yeah. Yeah. OK, Kayleigh mentioned that there might be a reboot of Charmed on the CW. Yes, there is. Season three will be the third season of Charm. The show was renewed for a third season on January 7th, 2020 by the CW. There are expected to be twenty five episodes with the unproduced episodes of the second season airing as a part of the third season.


The season is set to premiere on January 24th. Twenty twenty one.


OK, coming up. Great. Well, we've got a lot to look forward to coming up.


I can't believe you talked about Charmed and Northern Exposure when she was on one episode.


Yeah, but it was interesting. Yeah, it was.


And also, you said that was your favorite show, but we know Silver Spoons was your favorite show as a child.


The first show I started recording on VHS tapes and I loved was Northern Exposure. And it was when I was in college and I would come home for my lunch break and pop on an episode and I'd put a hot dog inside of a frozen burrito.


And I cook it in the microwave and I put chopped up onion and mustard on it. And I'd sit there and patiently and slowly work my way through my two burritos while I watch Northern Exposure.


And I loved it.


Oh, I was addicted to the first show. I was addicted to winning silver spoons and that no, because I didn't even truth be told about silver spoons.


No, I only got to see when I was at a friend's house because we didn't have a good enough antenna and we certainly didn't have cable and in our antenna didn't pull down shit.


It pulled down like KBD with a lot of snow over it. Wow.


So you've only you probably only seen like six or seven episodes and you wrote an entire paper about that's accurate. I would say I would say I've probably seen 12 episodes of it.


Wow. But again, you don't need to see many to see the deep family values on display. And also they were just rich.


I just want to be rich so bad. His stalking was the size of a human. Oh, and he had a train electric train in his house.


I know you love that a lot. Oh, my life would have been so surprised. You don't have an electric train in your house just for that.


I've already mapped out where I could put track. I'm definitely considering I think I got room on the side of the house to do a train ride around the house.


Not made it. Yeah. Yeah. See you made it. I might get a stocking the size of myself.


OK, did Rob McElhaney Bitcoin direct the pilot of Mythic Quest? No, no. That was David Gordon Green.


David Gordon Green, who we love, who directs a lot of Danny's stuff.


Danny McBride. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, boy. OK, I'm on.


Those were my thoughts. My computer. Now I'm on to my you're Detective Feste.


Detective Porro. Exciting is is it hard to travel with pets during covid right now many airlines are not allowing pet travel or only allowing it in the case of the pet can come on the flight with you and not as cargo. But the rules do vary depending on the airlines as well as your destination, state or country. This doctor who's on the advisory board for PUP Life today, this doctor, you are not this doctor of the puppies.


No, no, that's not your wheelhouse. No, it doesn't interest me.


No, she said now is not the time to be flying with a pet unless absolutely necessary. A permanent relocation to a distant locale, for example.


Oh, Ben, what's her reasoning? She doesn't want to talk about it.


Is none of our business like the the heat I'm cooking my burgers on. It was relevant. I'm glad she kept pushing on that because you were really trying to get away with murder over there. She's like a dog with a bone.


She would not get off that heat to go, OK, the Johnny Depp dogs itch, OK.


Oh yeah. This is hot gossip. Ten years old, but gossip.


This is in twenty fifteen. This is a CNN article. His two beloved dogs are expected to fly back to LA. Aren't his being Johnny Depp. Beloved dogs are expected to be flying back to Los Angeles by private jet on Friday after the actor sparked controversy by sneaking the pups down under in a private Gulfstream. The jet, according to officials, five.


Oh, they scream, they run any aeronautical official.


Yeah, a G five, there was a way to designate that it's a Roman numeral and not V. Yeah, how am I to know?


Well, do you ever see the word just v o but I got you could be like. Yeah, exactly.


In a vehicle or something. Of course. Yeah. So that's a G five is what you would actually say if you're into planes.


It's called a Gulfstream. Gulfstream V is a G five and there's a G six. A G six fifty.


The six fifties range is off the charts. I think we could leave here in L.A. and fly anywhere we wanted, just like a commercial airline.


Really. Yeah. That G five can have a good fuel capacity clearly, but they might have had to refuel in New Zealand.


But let's just say private air travel, of course, is is very inefficient. So I hate to say this, but it's also incredibly awesome. I've had the opportunity a few times. Well, we talked about it. We were on our friend jet plane wants to go to a show.


Oh. Then you had to knock down the door. Yeah, well, he did. He kicked it down. He had the pleasure. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right.


But all to say, even in them, in the most generous defense of private air travel, the notion of sending two dogs back on a G5 is the apex of crazy.


Right? I'm going to send my jet.


It's got I know it costs roughly sixty thousand dollars to fly one to New York from L.A. So a trip to Australia from L.A. it's got to be in the two hundred thousand dollars it says here, though, it's unclear how much the Pirates of the Caribbean star is paying to send his dogs home.


Hiring such a plane can cost more than four hundred thousand dollars.


Oh, my gosh.


OK, but why did he have to send them home?


Because he because when you enter Australia with dogs, you have to declare them. They go into quarantine so they don't infect all the other animals island they live on.


And so they sit there for two weeks in a kennel to make sure they don't have any diseases.


So he was like, I'm not going to put my dogs in a jail for two weeks, but I want to bring them. I mean, the real answer is you just can't bring them because I don't think they should sit in jail either for two weeks.


But you just don't bring them and you hire for the four thousand you would have paid for air travel.


You hire like me. You can hire me to watch your dog.


You could hire me for one hundred thousand dollars to watch your dogs in.


This goes for anyone out there that's listening that them all. I'll do it for ninety.


Oh, I'll do it for eighty nine cash though in under the table. No taxes. But anyways you hired Jack Shephard to watch your dogs. I'm probably as fun as him. Hmm. Maybe not. Not for the dog. He loves his dogs. Point being, of all the many options there were put them in jail for two weeks. Don't take them or take them and don't put them in jail, then get caught, then get charges brought against you, then having to charter a jet to get them home.


Oh, wow.


That one is not as bad as it could go. I bet there is a like a light conversation like should we bring the dogs out. Fuck yeah. Let's just throw them on the plane. That dumb little unexplored conversation resulted in so much.


Had one hundred thousand dollars and press now some five years later, I still have seen it. Yeah.


Officials there are showing no mercy after death allegedly breached biosecurity regulations by bringing his two dogs into their country without proper documentation. Yorkshire terriers, boo and pistol must be taken out of Australia by Saturday morning, officials have said. Or was killed.


Euthanized. Oh, my God. They were going to kill. That seems extreme.


Draconian laws or the dogs.


There's probably some Aussies right now upset. Yes. Listening to this.


How cavalier we think bringing animals into their country. And they're like, you know, no way, mate. But you can't just bring your because diseased animal into our country, like in case we brought like covid or something.


Yeah. Mm mm. All right.


It is weird, though, that humans don't have to quarantine and dogs do, but I guess the animals do spread stuff.


Well, they've had really bad situations over there.


Oh really. Yeah. Both those places in Hawaii, a lot of these places won't have an animal and then someone brings over a pet rabbit and then the whole island gets infested with rabbits and then they drive out the native populations of animals.


And so there's just a terrible history.


And even what happens on these ships, you know, what happens on ships. So when the boat is empty, they will fill the bilge. They'll use the bilge pump to fill up the bottom of the boat with water so it sits lower in the right, or they'll fill the bilge tanks to even out the weight if there's more weight on one side of the boat. So they pump all this water in from, say, the. L.A. Harbor. Yeah, and then they go over to Australia, to Sydney, via the Panama Canal, and then they let all their bilge water out.


Well, there's all these animals get sucked up in there.


And fish, microbes, snakes, all kinds of different things can come out in that bilge water. So there's all this cross contamination of species because of our travel.


Right. And then Johnny Depp on his G5 with his crew and Coco and pistol and pistol, mixed messages.


Why? Well, people either name their dogs like Tiger Animal, right.


Or Minton's. Yeah.


And he's got a he's got boo and pistol.


Yeah, he's done both. I like it. Yeah. Neutralises or do you think it's like boo motherfucker. Yeah.


Huh. Like you see the pistol and then you see boom shoot. You know, shoot your pants. OK.


Was that all of them. That's good. That's good. That's really good. Really good.


And a really good job on your little notepad. Thank you. I like Johnny Depp. Doesn't want to be a guest now based on that. Or do you think that was fair? Was that fair and balanced?


It's from CNN. Well, no, I just mean are are bringing it up.


Do you think it would be like I want to go talk to those assholes. They brought up my dog fiasco because I.


Feel for him. Remember, we don't know where we're allowed to say about him. Oh, we don't. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.


Look, anything that's come up twice. I didn't look up any of that to the Australian government and other groups are mad. We have a real way is quicksand topic. You get yourself, you get your water in deep water.


Oh, you find yourself out of your depth again. I love you.


I love you.