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All right, all right, all right. Are you going to you know, I'm ready for this. All right. You got to close your eyes then. OK. All right. Let me see if I can do it. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to armchair expert. I'm your resident expert, Dan Shepherd. I'm joined by Monica Mouse. I do Miss Mouse.


I'm good. That's good. That's good. That's a good mouse.


I would imagine you've already guessed by now from that stellar impersonation that Matthew McConaughey is on the show today.


I thought you were going to do the whole thing is him. I don't know if I could sustain it. That was good. That was good. Yeah. All right. My duck in and out a little bit.


OK, you know Matthew McConaughey, who does it? My God, this guy is the most fun loving good time and wears it all well. Matthew McConaughey is a Golden Globe, an Academy Award winning actor, author and producer.


His credits include Dallas Buyers Club, Interstellar True Detective, How This Guy Ten Days The Wolf of Wall Street. Oh, Dazed and Confused. Magic Mike. It's got a new book growing lots available now. Let me give them some real service. You got to check out Greenlights. It's his new memoir and I have read the bulk of it, and I fucking love it.


As you'll hear, he is a rare bird. He is. He's a unicorn. He's a unicorn. A unicorn.


Tweet, tweet. He. Oh, that was good. That was in character. He would say something. I feel like you would you'd say unicorn. He'd say tweet, tweet. And it would make sense coming out of his mouth anyways. Man And we have a party talking to McConaughey.


Thank you, Matthew McConaughey, for coming on the show. And please enjoy Mr. McConaughey.


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We are supported by NASCAR. Buckle up. Babies were excited about this cause we have a racing organization supporting arm chair.


This is your dream. It is. This couldn't be a more perfect marriage. As you guys know. I love everything about motorsports. I love riding my motorcycles. I love working on my car. And I'm even now a host of Top Gear America. So, I mean, anything that involves cars, motorsports or racing count me in. But if I'm being honest, there really is no better place to see the best racing on the entire planet than with NASCAR.


I mean, you want door to door action, you want rubbing is racing look no further than NASCAR.


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Yeah, we sure did. Is obsessed with NASCAR and took his name number three after legendary Dale Earnhardt. Again, the NASCAR championship is November 8th at three p.m. Eastern on NBC. Check it out. I can't wait. He's not chat.


DAX Randall, that's a deep dive. Where'd you get the Randall?


Oh, yeah. I mean, I probably picked it up from my brother.


Not sure exactly what it is. Spell it out. My brother does this all the time. He's like, yeah, man, who's calling? He goes to the party.


I think it slows everything down and spells it out. Now, I really wanted to do this in person. In fact, I think at one point I offered to fucking fly down to Austin because you tell me if you agree. I think we have rhythm.


Well, you and I think we got rhythm, too.


And we both noticed that sitting in to like little wicker lawn chairs in front of a lake and a friend of ours, birthday party one morning or evening. I kind of think it was a morning.


It was a morning. And I'll tell you from my point of view what happened, which is, you know, you're very attractive, charismatic guy, and a lot of people give you attention. So I kind of slow played you. I gave you your space Friday and Saturday and then Sunday morning I saw you in the morning. You just gotten out of the shower and I said, how you feelin?


And you go, I'm building towards it, feel like shit now.


But I'm around the corner from feeling pretty good every time. And yeah, I've learned over the years, don't get to a rush. The frequency will come.


What's up, Rob? They're on. Yeah, the whole team.


Rob, basically what happened is we were just about to make love and then Rob, Rob, Rob also know that you and I could go back and say the same things, but take to always sucks compared to, say, I don't believe myself.


Take two. I buy it. No, I don't either. And I do it in front of the camera and I'll go.


They know I was bullshitting and acting right there. I was acting. I'm always better. The first shot made to that's why I have to improv because I just don't believe myself. I got to say something a little different or I don't buy it. OK, so this is me saying hello to you in the morning. Yeah. As I recall, built to you and I. Yes. Sitting on a lake. People like, you know, they had packed up their stuff.


They were rushing out. We talked about the slow exits and our both of our our love for long road trips.


And then you told me a story about your dad that I think of. I've said out loud in my head probably 20 times since we were talking about both of our dads, died of yours, died of cancer. Right now he died. Megan loved my mother.


Well, yes, he did. And that's true. But I can't imagine that was the cause of death, was it? I mean, cause of death, obviously.


His heart, the heart attack, his heart was unable to pump enough blood to the rest of his body to keep him alive at the time of climax.


And that might have had something to do with two and a half to three packs of philatelist camels, cigarettes he smoked today and yet still coming back to us while he smoked one and had another one already lit in the ashtray.


We got Poppy. Sure, you're supposed to smoke. And he says, Oh, yeah.


Doctor says, I got the heart of a twenty two year old high hurdler, Monica.


How many times have I told you that I the heart of a twenty two year old? Yeah, it's the best reference I think I've ever heard.


Back to this, like, chat. Another thing was I had been dying to ask you this. You know, since I think I've been aware of you, which is at one point I just said to you, man, you have some constitution, right? Because me, you know, I haven't drank in a long time. And I, I couldn't handle the mornings I had to drink in the morning. Then it turned into like a three day thing.


And I see you fucking jogging every morning. And I just was like, you have the Constitution I wish I could buy on a shelf.


Wow. Thank you. I mean, discipline, I'd say probably some people close to me would say that would be one of my strengths. I mean, I never have been one of those people that the next proverbial next day goes, oh, God, never doing that again. Well, bullshit. You got to hang on a sec.


So and also I'll check in the night before going.


OK, what do we got tomorrow morning? You know, what's the situation here now.


What do we got tomorrow morning. We don't start until 11:00. That's pretty easy. Oh we start at 7:00. OK, ok. Risk reward here.


What do we measure. Like the group. What's everyone poor in this night on the way down or are we about to switch into third gear and go up.


And then I got to the OK and if I choose to say, OK, the rockets are going to launch here and this could go till sunrise, I get my mind right.


I'll go head off that night, look in the mirror and go, Hey, buddy, this is kind of set tomorrow morning.


We'll talk through this. We're not going to make any excuses. We're going to get up now. And after that, we're going to go run and sweat this damn thing out.


And tomorrow is going to be hard. But are you in? And we'll shake on it or not. And the next morning, just go. Here we go, man. Right. The baseline. Oh, that's great. Wow, that is great.


And then I also told you a story while we were sitting there, which was a good friend of mine, was with you on an island on New Year's Eve.


You guys were having a great, great time and eventually you outpaced him and he had to shut it down around. I think he said three or four in the morning. He could still hear you at the campfire and stuff. He then crawls out of bed at like ten in the morning. He turns on the TV to watch the game in old Matthew McConaughey, sit in the fucking sidelines and he goes, what?


How did he time travel? How is he?


And he said, You looked amazing. Full of energy, bright eyed, bushy tailed. And I was like, what a constitution.


Oh, you know, I mean, yes, sometimes we do need more than twenty four hours in a day, but they just haven't been given any more than that, last I checked, just trying to make the tally.


Oh my God. So I'm reading your book. I'm a slow reader, but I'm too extremely slow. We're truly enjoying it. You're such a good storyteller.


Thank you man. Thank you. I mean, keep keeping diaries for thirty six years. They end up in a treasure chest. I always have them with me next to me daring to say, hey, one day I'm going to open those up and look at my past and see if anything's worth a damn. And I never had the courage to do it.


Really, just to scare. I'm never really I'm not really into static. I like to sort of move forward.


I don't look back what you did. You did part of this, I think.


Cool. And the other part is I was just too scared to my embarrassment. Oh, my gosh. I wish I was glad we forgot about that part of you or whatever.


And I don't know, maybe it's coming on fifty. And I sat there and I had a few weeks.


I looked over at it and that still treasure chest was barking at me and said, come on, quit talking about it, big boy. And I was like, all right. And I. Camilla, my wife. She was like, that's exactly what you need to do. Get the hell out of here with those diaries. Go pack up your cooler and your meat and go somewhere and don't come back to you got something.


And I had always thought, like, hey, you know, I'll move on in martyrdom. Maybe Camilla or a good friend will open those up. And if it's anything worth sharing, they'll do it. And that was also a kind of a chickenshit call, too.


So I took off with all those diaries. I went off to the desert on my own with no electricity. It's kind of the same thing. On that next morning, I said, we're going to take our time here. Let's see what unfolds, what comes out of these pages. And I got this idea that it's going to be all very academic stuff.


You know, I'm really thinking, oh, this is going to be like an educational tool.


Well, after about four days, I'm looking at I'm going.


That's not what this is.


This is stories, people, places, prescriptions, poems, prayers and a shitload of bumper stickers on me.


So it was philosophical, but it became much more poetic and storytelling with much more storytelling narrative to put together chronologically than I suspected once I had those categories that I just ripped off to you.


They're the central theme that sort of expose itself was, man, you've had a lot of red light and yellow lights in your life. Hard times or bumps in the road.


McConaughey But you found a green light to them either by turning them into green lights, denying that there was a crisis at all in the first place, or just waiting it out and seeing how, you know, the red light death of your father actually turns you into the man that you become because you didn't have him alive as a crutch anymore.


So over time, going through the last 50 years, my life is not a lot of those yellow and red lights.


I had turned into green light and been talking to people. I see that that happens with a lot of people, too.




That they will turn green for us either in this life or the next tomorrow or on our deathbed.


So immediately I related to you because I have kept a journal two very sporadically from about probably seventeen to my late 20s, you know, just checking in occasionally. But then I got sober and I got kind of superstitious about if I can't dedicate twenty minutes in the morning to writing this fucking piece of paper. Right. How much am I really willing to put towards this goal. So I did it sociopathic for thirteen years. Never missed one morning.


Yeah, but I wonder why you journaled. I journaled because I had an inflated sense of purpose. I thought I was going to be special. I wanted to document it if I'm being dead honest. And you were correct.


Seriously, I take these little adventures.


I was on like a six month road trip once. You know, I think I had fantasies of being Kerouac or something. But I was just curious, what even motivated you to write down your thoughts in your life?


I thought that I was going to be special and all those things.


Oh, good, good, good. I remember being in a movie theater.


I remember the damn movie it was. And I remember consistently in a movie theater laughing at stuff. But I was the only one laughing and then not laughing when the whole crowd laughed.


I was always like, I like the subversive or the second underbelly joke or the way it was delivered.


I would laugh in the pause that pregnant pause, I was like, that's funny.


And not maybe the punch line. Then I would have certain albums. I would listen to your music or also films I would watch that I would cry at.


And that was just like, what do you what are you what's the thing?


I just like, you know, and so I'd find something sad that no one fantan I'd get ticked off at things that other people are like, what are you mad about that for? But I wouldn't get mad at what they're mad about. Yeah.


So I started writing this down to go. Are you a unicorn here, McConaughey or what is this.


And then got confident enough to say, oh, other people feel that way too. But you need to jot these things down because this may be a window into who you are as an individual. And I want to be autonomous as I can. I don't want to just say, hey, what are we supposed to laugh? When are we supposed to cry? When are we supposed to get mad? When we supposed to be happy. And I just started jotting those down and sort of become a private investigator on myself.


Yeah. And just enjoyed that.


And then all of a sudden was like, well, if there's anybody to be interested in trying to understand, no better person than ourself. So that became a live project, very sociopathic about that. I did very early on notice that you typically go write in a diary when you're having trouble sharing.


You're looking for an answer. Right.


And I learned after about eight years of doing, I was like, oh, OK, don't just go to this diary when you're like, oh, I need to hide out and figure out how to make sure you take that twenty minutes when you're flying high and you're like, oh, I got it all figured out.


Yeah. Because there's a science to that satisfaction. So let's write down what we've been doing. Who are we hanging out with. What were you reading. What were you eating.


Look for me, it's like you also catch your ego. It's like a great time to check your ego because I'll be like ruminating on something. Then I'll write it on a piece of paper.


And I look at it and I go, oh, my God, you're repugnant. That part is help me.


Yeah, but but don't you think that's also I'm look, I don't think the ego gets enough credit. I'm a fan.


Vego, we don't have an ego, we don't have judgment, we don't have discernment, and there are certain things, trust me, that I've written down that I think, oh, I look at the next I'm like, now, yeah, you and I mentioned it that morning and talking about it, I think it's a brand of comedy that is my favorite, which is called delusional optimism.


Yes. It's something that's one of the best things for comedy, the delusional, optimistic character and the ones that just like bullet proof. And you're like going you're not.


Yeah. In the Blues Brothers, right? When that that woman blows up the phone booth they're in and they go sky high and then they come in. When they land, the thing breaks open. There's a bunch of quarters and they're elated. Oh my God, what a great response to this all.


Affirmative. Now, it's been useful to me to have that. I've only really consulted it to be helpful. Once in my life. I was starting to move the ego. No, no. The Journal. The Journal. Got it.


So start a movie and I had an audition for it. I just got offered it right. And so I kind of just was putting off in my head what I was going to do. And three days before the movie, I'm in a hotel room and I'm starting to think I'm a fraud. I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm terrible. And I just had the force. I just thought, I'm going to look at my journal from right before I started the movie.


Before I go back, I read it. I'm a fraud. I can't do this. Then I read day one of filming. I'm the best actor that's ever lived. I'm such an asset to this movie. And I was like, oh, this is just my pattern and I'm just in for you right now. And that helped me just go like, yeah, whatever. I know where this is going to end up, but I needed to stop writing, you know, it was helpful.


And what about the fact that you also saw that? Oh, I obviously give a damn enough to believe I'm a fraud leading up because I've got butterflies. And what the hell am I doing? I'm in the unknown. I'm unbalanced. And then all of a sudden when they put me in the game, I perform and go, You damn right.


Yes, yes. And that's right. Hey, better than the other way around. Oh, God, yes. I know a lot of people and I've been in times of my life where the lead up, I'm like, watch this.


And then showed up and ate shit. I was like, Oh, now your childhood is spectacular. I think I have some overlap with you, but I just want to start immediately with the fact that your dad early divorced parents, right?


I have early divorced parents.


I also dad was a big, big figure, big guy. My brother had to fight him. He wanted to fight me. He wanted to fight me. And he was he was about nine hours out of a hernia operation. So he's got his shirt off. He's just shoved me on the bed and his stomach is just stapled together. And my excuse I was so happy you wrote it the way you did that you were honest that you fucking you were scared and you weren't ready to do that because I didn't want to do it either.


But I had the excuse of I'm like, Dad, I'll fucking kill you. If we fight, I'll kill you. I'll rip your your ears are going to fall out. So I always had that as a crutch to lean on. But truth be told, I wanted nothing to do with it. I know something about your father or yours.


And in doing that your dad was six foreign to sixty five. So that's yeah. That's a hell of a scrap to get into. Yeah.


It wasn't going to be much of a scrap. I mean I was like I said, this toy, I mean I pissed my pants just the idea and I said my fists were like I would have been papier mâché. Yeah. And he offered, you know, put his chin out.


Come on. Four to my one. Oh.


You know, and it was not even in my mind an option that I wanted to engage with.


Where's your brother Rooster, who's similar sized you? He went to the end, right? He did.


Well, that was his rite of passage. He did earlier. And from that day on, him and my dad were best friend. But Dad challenged his loyalty to the book and did a similar thing with me.


And I would say it's sort of when he said the story to me, when I asked him if I go to film school and he goes, don't have Fassett, that sort of him going, oh, you stepped out of line and you're bold enough to go your own way.


Well, when he was with my brother Rooster and is the story about going to roll the pipe, which they had always done that in, they're like quickly now. God wants his dad sold oil piping and then his brother, Rooster, who's considerably older than you.


How much older is he? Sixteen years older. OK, he then too became a salesman. He starts crushing. He lands this huge account with a guy and his dad was like, let's go steal some pipe which they had done in the past, which they had done in the past.


And he dad says, let's go steal it from this guy. His new he's got the account for God. And my brother's like, oh, now come on. And then all of a sudden my dad starts running away.


But where's your loyalty, sir? With me or him. And they're pretty drunk at this point. eLab. Yeah, it's just like not doing it. Oh yeah. You're not going to listen to your old man.


And they got into it in two by fours were swang and rock slang and then Rooster almost knocked him out finally and dad couldn't see and got up off the ground and that's when Dad cried and hugged him. I was like, that's my boy.


Oh my God. Yeah. But yeah. But to me, you told me. You told me. No one can say, Dad, I ain't doing it. And I'll fight you for it, and that's what my dad was like from that day on, never another argument with Rooster, you're never like you ought to do that. They were best buds because Rooster bucked him and said I.


Now, what a mental game. Yep. Now, when I'm reading your stories, man, they're so similar to mine. So my childhood was you know, there was a good amount of violence. There was a lot of divorces. There was you know, I saw my mom get beat up. And I can tell the story in a very entertaining, fun way. And I have for years and to me, some of the some of the shit that I think's really funny troubles other people, or it sounds very scary and I totally respect it.


But your stories, you know, you have a sense of levity to them and you put them in this context where it's like, yeah, it was really messy and it was fucked up, but it resulted in something I'm quite proud to have been given out.


Honored. Honored to, yeah. Now, within that, though, you're smart as shit. And, you know, we've learned about ases like, you know, childhood trauma and they have a pretty profound effect on people. Do you also have a sense that like, yes, some of the stuff maybe was a little too rough for a human? Is it just your point of view in life that's like everything happens for you and not to you? Or have you ever considered, like, you know, the fight you describe between your mom and dad is insane?


So Dad comes home, he wants more mashed potatoes. Mom thinks he's a little too heavy, flips the table up in the air. She grabs a knife. She hits him in the face with the phone, breaks his nose.


Like this is that kind of story I tell. And at the same time, I'm going, that's a very stressful situation for a kid. Yeah, sure.


Look, I mean, at the time, I was just a young kid for four years, a crying mom and dad are screaming to each other.


Fighting I've seen with this could go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.


You know, and the fact that 12 inch blade was pulled out probably didn't make me go, oh, this could be mortal. But it was just another it heighten the circumstances and there was no screaming.


No, in my mind you oblivious to me. This is a great thing about my parents. It's not like they were going to become objective in their own present and go, oh, wait a minute, Matthew's over there. Maybe we should send him to do. No, no stepping out of it. If you got front row seats to the rodeo, good for you. We ain't checking your ID no matter how old you are. Here it goes live.


There was also no in our family, no later on.


Hey, can we talk to you about that top? No, no, no. You didn't dive in it because what was the last thing?


The last image was the green light after their bloody. She's swinging this blade at him.


They're dancing around the kitchen and all of a sudden he swipes this bottle of Heinz ketchup.


And she's laying out like this and he's he's like, it's just slather your ketchup and dancing like a matador. Like this. Like this. There's going to shake to shake.


I think it's out of a Bukowski story. She's she's getting frustrated. She can't get on with the blade and she's covered now with ketchup out and she took jobs. Tonight, she's crying and dead bloody nose hung on a job to catch up.


And then they just go into each other down on the floor and make love on the kitchen floor.


I'm just like, you know, so there was always a there was always, you know, that's that's what they needed to communicate.


Was it was it wild and violent in front of me?


And something you go, well, that's not really for for your old age or anyone's eyes. Sure.


But it was you see the reverence and the honor I have of the telling of the story. And there's unequivocal love in my family.


That's what I think supersedes all of this is the halo around any of the events. We knew we were loved. I knew mom and dad loved each other. I knew I was loved and my brothers knew they were loved. We had a saying, I love you.


I just don't like you right now.


Well, that was one of the times where they didn't like each other.


My mom to this day goes, Oh, I don't regret that fight or the other 20 of them. She goes, I needed that to communicate with my mom whose middle finger is broken four times and goes like she's like, oh yeah.


I started those fights popping them in the head. I need it. Well, I'm glad I don't need that like she does.


I'm glad my wife Kormilda need that. She does not want to get into that into that state that my dad would had to get into with her.


And I don't want that rocky of a relationship, but it also, I think is part of maybe it's generational as well.


Well, I was going to say it's in a context. And so I grew up in the 70s as well. And I also grew up in a very blue collar area of Michigan where that kind of stuff was pretty regular.


So you didn't feel alone or isolated or unique because it was happening to a lot of my friends and it seemed normal. So that's relevant as well, I think.


Never done any psychoanalysis on any of that stuff. That's why I'm here. I've I've I've worked through I mean, I'm not in denial of it. When I tell about the love of my family, I tell about the times that we were disciplined or the times when mom and dad got in a fight, maybe because it's so vital and so alive and it never. Became something that was above the absolute love and passion, and I'm not here to judge it.


I'm not here to say, you know, that's unfair. And you should have called child protection. Now, none of that shit. It's what I saw. And and when I tell those stories, I light up. Yeah.


Not in fear that on paper, like you said earlier, you go, oh, no, but now I'm telling it or I'm writing it. My heart is swelling.


I am beaming in love and pride and honor to tell those stories because they had great value in my life.


Well, and you got through them. Essence's really is like challenges are inevitable. How are you going to react to them? Resilience is a big thing.


I mean, if anything, that's something that is really ingrained in our whole upbringing is you get up, dust yourself and you move on, you forgive and you forget. You don't go to bed holding grudges. You end up the fight with our bloody let's make love before we go to bed, you know, I mean, whatever. I've got a beef with you.


If we can't settle it tonight, forget school tomorrow. We'll stay up all damn night and deal this and work this out until you and I can hug it, hug it out and drop it here and head off. And we will never bring this moment up again. I can't hold a grudge on you. You can't play added up with me. If I bring up two weeks later, we'll dacs did it. Now I'm in trouble again for bringing the damn thing up because we settled that.


That was over. We've moved on from that. You know, Pat gets busted with weed. It's violent. He lies. You know how it end. We take a thirty five minute truck ride across town to the best burger joint to go get burgers and shakes and to bring them home, put them on TV trays, watch TV while we eat dinner, which we never got to do unless someone got in trouble and stay up past our bedtime and I'll go to bed huggin and never in other sad about it.


So there was great resilience and we could move on quickly.


Now, the loophole in that I found in my life is if you're so resilient that you just hop back up and get on with it quickly, you never take time to actually get introspective and go, why did we do? Yeah. Yeah.


How do I get there in the future? Yeah. Yeah. We're also guilty of being repeat offenders. Yeah. We just, we just so quickly hop back up and go. Yeah we're good. Good. Instead of going like why did I step in that hole and trip myself running downhill. I need to check that change up the next time.


Well it will not surprise you Monica, to learn that they were divorced twice and married thrice.


Oh, isn't that why the thirty nine years. Yeah I was, I was alive for one of them.


The two brothers were alive for the other one. We thought they were extended vacations and that kind of work.


But I just want to add one last thing. I only started reevaluating some of my stuff now that I have two kids. Well, I just kind of look at these little kids and I know the ages I was at when this or that happened. And I go, that be a lot for my kids to handle?


Absolutely. A whole lot. I think it would be more for them to handle than it was for me to handle. Same bank, same.


But also in that for me was like this great forgiveness for my dad, who kind of split at three where I used to hate him over it.


And I look at my kids now. And by the way, it's why I loved Interstellar. Once you have kids, the notion of missing your children's life is the most sad.


And that's the that's the last movie I cried in that movie. But he missed the whole thing and the notion of missing the whole thing for me, I'd rather be dead.


So. Right. It also led to like forgiveness, you know. So I'm also I'm like critical at one point. But then also there's a bunch of forgiveness.


Yeah, those two can be part and parcel. I say this in the book. You also find that when you get older that some of what your your parents were the messenger in the message or two different things made me angry after my father passed away and I found out certain things like, wait, wait, he didn't live by that.


He taught me that. No, no, no.


Yes, he did. No, he actually didn't. He huh.


First it was anger, but very quickly, for whatever reason, I was able to get to.


OK, OK, well, even if the messenger didn't follow through, sent home the message, don't forget the message. Even if he did. You mean and there's a form of forgiveness in that.


And it's also it's all right to give each other a little break, you know, forgive each other. We're human.


Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.


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I want to tell a couple of the fun ones. They're so funny, so Matthew's mom enrolled him or entered him into a like little Mr. Texas.


Oh, yeah. Oh, little bad. Oh, there's one in the book. He is the cutest motherfucker you've ever seen. I don't want to ruin it for you. So just tell us about Mr. Texas.


Yeah. So we got to Bandera, Texas. I'm like eight years old. I got my vest on, made out of leather vest, tassels, a cowboy hat. I go down there, Bandera, Texas, and we get up there, we do the questionnaire and we walk along and live on a horse and stuff.


And the last and I'm pretty good at all these things.


And, you know, when you win the trophy, there's a framed picture of me trophy and mom puts it up and they catch you on every morning.


Look at your and there you are, little Mr. Texas, the one and only a little Mr. Texan. And so this going on daily, weekly.


And then her introducing me. This is my son. You know, he one little mistake. He is Mr. Texas goes on and now I'm just like, yeah, I'm in Texas.


Well, this goes on for, you know, little decades.


Yeah, not here. When he was little, Mr. Texas. OK, well, I was. Yeah. Oh, Mr. Texas. I was a little Mr. Texas until. Oh, I don't know.


I happened to zoom in on that trophy. Name the plate on that trophy one day, just a couple of years ago.


Runner up.


No, I had a runner look with the gift she gave you.


Yeah. Oh she did. And she always to this day I, I called her out on it just here recently. She's like, oh well you were a little Miss Texas at seventeen. I had too much money. They were able to buy that three piece suit for your little Miss Texas.


She still denies it in her mind.


Yeah. Isn't that great, by the way? Wow. This just hit me now. But, you know, the greatest asset I was given and a big burden was my mom thought I was the second coming. She thought I shit gold. And that made me I mean, that gave me way more confidence that I deserved. That was like the original beedi was mom thinking you were the shit. Yeah.


What if you become you because you just thought you were a runner up your whole life, you might not have become you.


We're not talking. Yeah, I don't know. It's more it's more than a malaprop. I mean, it's a little. No, that doesn't happen. We're at Queiroz. Matthews puts our enchiladas on the table.


Mike, that guy's pretty fucking handsome. I can't believe he's put wonder what happened. I wonder who is really little. Mr. Texas. We gotta find out.


He's out there. He'll come to surface. I want to do an investigative journalist piece on the real a little Mr. Texas and just see how you're doing now.


Why? Yeah, because, you know, his mom didn't tell him he was runner up. No, no, no, no. And she probably didn't tell him that they outspent you either. But, yeah, he's probably having a horrible guilt trip about the whole thing. Did OK.


And then another great like a really telling thing was, you know, Matthew's in seventh grade and there's like a poetry contest. Yes. And he works his ass off on this poem and then he reads it to mom. And then what does mom do?


Yeah, I go back, write this poem that I'm pretty damn proud of and showed mom she looks at.


She's like, oh, yes, not bad. I can go back to try to have someone go back and work for art for another two hours, come back.


She goes, yeah, that's not bad. Here, have a look at this one. She pulls at this book, it opens it up. She goes, read that one.


I'm going to read it. And I go, if all that I would want to do would be to sit and talk to you, would you listen? That's good, because you like that when I. Yeah, I mean, it's that's really good and short short.


The author was and I think an Ashbery. I think you'd like that. Yeah. Because do you understand it? I go, yeah. It's like it's just, you know, because I love and somebody sometimes you just want to, you know, you take some quiet time to talk and she goes, yes, you understand that?


I go, yeah, I completely understand.


She goes, right that I go. But it's it's it's a it's a seventh grade poetry contest. And I got to write might not. And she goes, I know, but you understand, I go, what do you mean to write that and sign and ashtray.


She goes, no, listen, do you understand it for you.


I said, yes she goes then you write that and sign your name to it.


So I'm like, all right, if all that I would want to do would be to sit and talk to you. Would you listen?


Matthew McConaughey and I can one that you did. Oh, my God. What doc did we just watch or something almost identical to that happened? We watched a doc recently.


I don't remember. Oh. Oh, it was Lance Armstrong. It was Lance Armstrong because he was too young to compete in these triathlons.


And so his parents just said, you're 18, you're 18. And so they started off with a little bit of a fib and he fucking won those triathlons.


And you're like, you did OK. So. All right. That's informative. Yeah. Yeah, right. Right now. Very specific. Oh, my God. That yeah, that's exactly what it was, huh.


Mom was she would be my substitute teacher. She tried to become the substitute for my class. She also taught me in kindergarten. But she was the teacher.


That remind you this is why we're sort of in the chapter outlaw logic.


We're like very teach the real disciplines. If you got to do this, you better do this. You better be honest, better to cheat, lie down.


But damn, man, I have mom as a substitute teacher. I come home. She's like, here's the answer to that test tomorrow.


It's a stupid it's a stupid subject and I don't even read that. But she come in and tell me, don't shut that book, quit studying. Here's the it's a stupid subject and you don't need to spend your time on it. You take the answer, go make one hundred. That was like my mom, you know, instead of being like, oh, it's harder because my mom, like I said, I don't know why they're making me study this.


Don't even just shut that book down. Said it. Here's the answers. But she was also, you know, in kindergarten, like, you know, they did study and trains and she was like, what are we doing looking at these damn books, reading about it, everybody, come on.


Loaded up a bus, drove a bus to Amtrak, put all the kids on an Amtrak and like, took it to Kerrville. Like, didn't even ask the principal. No, but they landed back like eight p.m. that night. The local news is there. The parents are there. Where did you take our kids? You know, no teacher's assistant, nothing wrangled like twenty something kids and just took them on what she's like. That's the best way you learn about a damn railroad track and a train.


You go do it, you don't read about it. OK, ok.


So so then you and I love how honest you are about it because you're just a charming motherfucker and you're handsome as hell. So you get to high school.


This is a good one to you. Mind that I'm going through all these. They're so fun. Go for it. Oh God.


I'm only going to be talking about your whole acting career, but I think we know your acting career pretty good.


This is more fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are the stories of why I became an actor. Yeah, he's a good looking dude.


He's got some light, light acne, you know, a couple of pimples.


Sure. That's normal. But his mother is involved in I guess we call now a multilevel marketing company where she's selling door to door mink oil.


Oh, mink oil, as always. Say oil aming sorry. Oil of mink is is a topical face solvent.


So she notices that young Matthew struggling with a couple pimples and she says, son, you got to you guys are using this product. It's revolutionary. So he starts applying it liberally, I would assume.


Yes. And religiously every night before bed oil. I mean, all over my face says it will bring out all the impurities, OK?


And then once it brings them out, they're gone.


And then for the rest of your life, you have beautiful, clean, glowing skin. Sure. So worse before it gets better.


Yes. Yes. Darkest before dawn. Yeah. And you're a fighter. You're willing to put in the work.


You've already demonstrated that I'm into delayed gratification. I'm up for early pain, for long term gain.


OK, so as you might guess, the the pimples are increasing in both volume and quantity.


Got a lot of impurities. Keep it up. Oh, this is great stuff. Look at all these impurities servicing. Oh my.


And they now become, I guess, cystic. Right. You use not. You got a real problem on your hands. I have a real problem.


I'm not kind of unrecognizable and. Yeah. Yeah.


And so despite his mother's urging, he seeks counsel with an actual dermatologist who shits himself when he finds out Matthew's been rubbing oil of mink all over his face because it's for people for.


Forty years and over, not a 14 year old kid who's just going through adolescence, who already has some some oil coming through his pores, it's blocked all the pores completely.


So for the last month, I. Oh, my. Just swollen up and I have severe acne.


And he says, if you don't get off of that and we don't get you on Accutane right now, you are ten days away from having ice picks for the rest of your life.


Oh, so I get on the Accutane. Yeah. Yeah. So he so he gets on Accutane and we all know that has its own side effects. Very dry skin cracking, all this kind of stuff. But here's my favorite part, because this is exactly what my dad would have done. His dad takes a look at this whole story and he goes, We got a goddamn lawsuit on our hands.


They ruin this. No, boy. No, no. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And the dad takes them to a lawyer is the lawyer says, I have to imagine you're in great emotional distress from this. And he's a bright boy.


So he looked at court, dad, dads. And I'm like, yes, high emotional distress.


He had been doing well with the ladies. Now no one will talk to him. Or for a high schooler, confidence is shot.


Yeah. And he's now recording this and asking again, I'm going to go again. Are you have you been under emotional distress? Yes, sir. Mr. Major, emotional distress is your down.


My confidence is much lower, sir. How are you doing with, like, girlfriends of. Well, the girls used to like me a lot more. It's like they're just not interested in me more in taxes. People look at me funny when I'm walking. I'm not doing near as good with the girls either.


My dad and the lawyers and guys like, oh shit, Jim, we don't get fifty grand off of this deal. Easy. I mean, I mean look at him.


He's all swelled up can written as a kid. I mean, I mean he didn't say a damn thing on this bottle about not giving it to adolescent kids. You said that this company's irresponsible. Oh we got fifty grand easy. All right. So I go through the Accutane creases of mouth, all this stuff talk.


You know, you get the dandruff, Bubba, Bubba. But it works. Yeah. As you know, in lawsuits that go on a while. Well about a year and a half later. Now I'm a senior yackety worked skins. Great. We're back. I get called in for the deposition now with the defense attorney right back in Jerry Harris's software.


Same office, Fusako. Fifty grand. You all swell up. So now I'm in there and the guy across table, he goes, oh, my God, you poor, poor boy.


Most so emotionally distressful, wasn't it? And I'm like, I can't believe he just used our term is lobbying me a softball.


I'm going to hit this out of the park like. Yes, heavy emotional distress or my confidence was low is how bad it was. I bet you weren't doing as well with the girls. It was like, no, sir, I can't believe he asked me that question to them. He had me up. I'm not going. No, horrible girls want nothing to do with me. He's and all that. And you got that danger. If I was against you, it was horrible.


I'm sitting there thinking this is the worst defense attorney in the world. He's just played all hands. We got this guy. We're going to get fifty grand or more. You get me some tape and pulls out this green yearbook.


James opens it up, turns it around, slides it in front of me and goes, Who's that? I look down there and this picture was myself next to a very pretty girl named Comesa Springs across her chest.


She had a sash that said, Most beautiful, my chest.


Oh, I said most handsome.


Oh, oh. That year I won most handsome. So all of a sudden it hits me.


I'm like, Oh, we blew it. The case is done.


And I looked up at him and he goes so emotionally distressful. Huh, huh.


And I was like, it's over. And the case was thrown out for very breaking a year going, God damn you, boy.


I mean, I'm telling you, we got a case where you going to make fifty grand. You got to go off when got the most handsome. Damn it. Why don't you sandbag that. Wear an eye patch or your Jesus. Yeah. Blow that.


That kind of brought me back to. So my dad to my dad was involved in many a lawsuit. And then another thing was he he had all kinds of businesses and one of them was you couldn't call it selling. It was under a charity, guys. And it was a hugs, not drugs workbook that would be distributed to children to keep them off drugs. So when I was fifteen, he kind of wrangled me into this and he wanted me to start making calls to try to get donations from people and people donated.


They got a little ad in the hugs, not drugs book. Right.


And it escalated to me actually going to like Rotary Club meetings at fifteen in line and telling these people that I had had a really bad history with drug abuse and that if I hadn't had this drugs book, I wouldn't have seen all those dark days.


And your dad was in on this story? Oh, yeah. He helped me craft it. So to Green Oakland County making these really impassioned speeches about how wayward I was and how I would have been saved if I hadn't had those hugs, not drugs workbook. And I crushed I sold so many full page ads, Matthew. That book never made it out. I think we sold a bunch of ads and I'm not sure that there was ever a distribution of the books.


So how ironic, because now it really very real.


But I know I don't know that the hugs, not drugs look would have helped. I mean, I love it. Yeah.


I love our parents, you know, used to solicited us to, like, go.


Yeah. We'll make you make some cash on. Come on.


Well, yeah, I grew up with a different kind of ethic which is like by hook or crook. We got to get some money. Child labor.


Child labor. Oh, that's great. That reminds me of the one where dad they were. My dad was out with a bunch of his friends at a ranch. They were having to copy the highest contest.


Yeah. Let me break this up. Yeah, this is news to me. So what they would do is they'd stand against the wall and they put a little line over their head and they had to pee over their own head, basically.


And it was a shootout. Yeah.


And his dad was six four. So that was an impressive height. Sure.


That was the second tallest height, though. There was another guy there, guy Fred Smith, who was about six, seven. And so Dad had one that the six for no one could be over his head, but then nobody could speak. No one could go higher up to six, seven. They couldn't get that high. And there was I ain't nobody can piss over my head. And my dad gets an idea because he's got his eye on this little miniature dirt bike in the corner and he goes, My son can.


And it goes to go, What? No way. And Dad goes, Yeah, can.


Well, Dad had to drive one hundred and twelve miles back home at whatever one in the morning to pick up my brother Pat, wake him up out of bed.


And of course, what do you do in your kid. You wake up right in the middle of the night, you got to go pee. That's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.


Hold on to it. Don't put him in the truck, gave him a beer and said, you just sip on that and feel that bladder up you 12 miles back. It's now about five in the morning. Pat's in his underwear and dad shows up and they're all kind of hanging out, just about to go to sleep to get out. Wake up, boys. Here it is. My son's going to piss over your head. Fred Smithers. Fred steps up there put to Mark and Packards.


Oh, they're about five inches because.


What do you bet?


What do you bet with Fred Smithers that I didn't that so it was he goes, I'll bet you that little motorbike that my son can do it. Why did he do that? Because Pat was asking for a motorbike for Christmas, but my dad couldn't afford it.


So child labor hooker, first tot, he loaded up the motorbike, took it home pack, got a motorbike for Christmas and he wagered his pickup truck.


We yeah, it's a very it's a it's a mix of child abuse and superstrings. Yes.


Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Wow. Mixed messages.


OK, so you graduate from high school. Matthew's mother suggest that he go study abroad before he goes off to college. And so the Rotary Club says, yeah, we'll do this, we'll send you down to Australia. You can do a year in Australia.


There's one thing all these people we send want to come home in a couple of months. They're lonely, whatever they come home. So we need you've got to sign a contract that says you are not leaving within that year.


I'm not going to sign a contract. You say I'm not leaving you. I'm telling you I'm going for the year. I'm not white. I'm not going to sign on. Busfield We're deciding I'm going for years like now.


So I'm telling you, everyone wants to come back. Everyone says they're going to go for the whole time. They all want to come back. So you need to sign this says, look, I'm not going to sign it, but I'll shake on it. I'm going for a year.


That's my full attention. He agrees. So next thing I know, I'm on a plane headed off to Australia really quick.


Can I just say what your fantasy is? Of what? Yeah. Yeah, well, I picked straight. They offered Australia and Sweden. All right.


So I'm sitting there going on beaches, waves. Elle MacPherson, English speaking Australia. It is good he's got a head down on the right. So, bam, I'm off.


Here we go.


Now I've got a family that's written that's going to be my host family and they're not. Oh, we're so glad we had you come over here, Matthew. We got a great little spot here on the outskirts of Sydney. It's beautiful, sunny beaches. It's just great.


You got to love it. Wow.


Sydney, Petropolis, major city, all those the Elle MacPherson is probably there somewhere we're going to serve. Here we go. Oh, man.


Well, show up and get out playing in this family. You help me with what details not to do because it's a forty three minute story.


If I tell it for the do, please meet him. And how old's the boy. They have a son. How old he is about twenty six. OK, and they start driving. My little brother.


Yeah they're excited. This is his new little brother and they start driving and all of a sudden Matthew notices the skyline of Sydney is is pretty far in the rearview mirror and ok but. But it but ok. I still see the beach then they get to another town, maybe seventy thousand. He thinks this is it. Nope. Nope. Still got a little while later. OK, well this is getting a little dicier now.


We're in a town of twelve thousand. They've now said that's where they basically live. And as they go through that town he's thinking, OK, well I can still see the beach and they can we use a little bit further.


They end up in a town of eight hundred people completely inland, not by the beach.


Three oh five. Population three. And these people are fuckin weird. They are fucking.


Dude, it sounds like a horror movie. No, it sounds like a horror movie.


The dad is tiny and rotund. He wants to act posh and elevated and smart. And he tells Matthew, you know, why don't you make us dinner? And he says, great, I'm going to make you guys hamburgers. And he goes, you know, I'm not going to make you hamburgers. I'm like, you cheeseburgers. Because the man who invented the hamburger was smart. But the man who invented cheeseburgers, the genius, the man immediately takes him to his office and he points to a picture of Winston Churchill and says, my, that man is a genius and he doesn't want you using that word.


I would like you to. From now on, any duration of your stay here in our household, you learn to appreciate fine wines, fine cheeses, and not to voice your opinion for the masses.


I know which part because a while ago you stated did not question stated that the man invented the hamburger.


This month the man in the cheeseburger was a genius. Maybe that is merely your opinion. OK, cultural difference.


Mean what? What it's just it's a phrase is automatic. As I said. Well, Mr. Dooley, it basically means I like cheeseburgers more than hamburger, as I said.


Oh, you understand?


And I'm like, wow, what's going on? OK, yeah. Well, quite a few other things happened after that that were it gets weirder and weirder.


And let me say one of the things that's probably sensitive, but the 26 year old boy also has a girlfriend there.


Did she have a crush on me or did the mother kind of want us to have a crush on each other in front of.


Oh, boy, their son, who's twenty six in front of everybody and that the whole family lined up one day Saturday and they're about to leave. And I'm washing dishes and I get called in the room.


They go give her a kiss goodbye. Oh God. Give a kiss on the lips. Like to hold out really quick. Just two weeks ago I was explaining to Monica that in New Zealand and in Australia, they love baby talk. So kisses. I just was excited. You're now kind of confirming they love to do a edes at the end of things.


Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, and this was in the room with her and her boyfriend. My Yeah. Their son, my big brother.


And it was just it was, it was off. It was rude. I'm confused. What's going on. Does she have a crush on me or what is the mother trying to set up a situation here or is this just a bad joke going wrong or whatever?


Anyway, I handled the situation in this cool way as I could with myself and her, and she thanked me for it and I was OK.


But again, I was like, what was that? What was that? All this time I'm telling myself after I've been in these situations.


OK, McCarney, it's culture differences. This is cultural difference.


So I keep taking the high road. I'm not judging anyone until the night came.


This is about five months in over dinner, five thirty where we had dinner every night.


Now, mind you, about this time, I don't think I'm going insane, but when I look back my diaries, I was kind of go insane.


And let me just say this. The part I really related to you with, because my year in Santa Barbara, I just up and said, oh, I'm going to be fat free. And I just started jogging and I don't know why I got down to like one fifty eight. I'm six three. I looked insane like was so out of control, but I just wanted to control whatever I could something, some sort of reachable discipline to accomplish a day to keep your fucking sanity.


Yeah. Yeah. I'm running six miles a day.


I've decided I'm going to be vegetarian. I don't know how to be vegetarian. So I basically eat a head of iceberg lettuce tonight. I get a knife, a fork ahead of iceberg lettuce and a bottle of ketchup.


And that's my deal. I'm celibate now.


I'm celibate.


I've decided now that when I leave this year here, I need to go to South Africa and help free Mandela. That's my calling. And then after that, I'll become a monk.


Even though you went there for Elle MacPherson, you things are really Elle MacPherson is way in the rearview mirror right now. Yeah. You're going to be Foster's surfboards and McPhearson and now you're going to Tibet.




The first letter back home was, hey, mom, dad, don't some shrimps on the Barbie. Love you, Matthew. Now I'm writing like sixteen page letters, cheering my new writing with way too many adjectives and adverbs just imploding. Right. I don't notice it. And I've got two albums and three albums.


Maxie Priest, Maxey Priest in Excess Kick. And you ran from Rattlin Home, one of the great albums of all time. First CD I ever owned.


Really damn good choice. Good choice. So here's my ritual every night. Now mind this is still when I don't think anything's wrong. We eat dinner at five five thirty. I clean the dishes then I as fast I can't get back to my bedroom bathroom.


I'm reading a lot of Lord Byron. Hmm. I get the bathtub nightly reeler. Byron, listen my hum jagoff nightly ritual.


Have a yank work it out. Yeah but everything's cool. I'm, nothing's wrong. Oh my gosh. You're better. Right. I'm doing great, I'm in the honey, you are opening up your cultural horizon infinitely. Yeah, you went down there to get worldly in your fucking world, became a pin prick. Oh. Oh, my God.


Extreme close up. So I think I'm fine. Cultural differences. Yeah.


And I'm not even halfway through this year trip and one night I get to the dinner table. Matthew, we've decided that for the duration of your stay here in Australia, you will refer to us as mom and pop. Isn't this a horror?


Is a horror movie? Yeah, yeah.


But again, I take the high road and I go, well, thank you for thinking of me that way. And I remember you loved this text. I remember saying this line and I remember clearly in my mind, like thinking I needed to give that comment some more context.


I go, well, thank you for thinking that that way. But I've got a mom and dad and they're still alive.


I remember throwing that little like that one in that'll win the argument. They'll understand if I say and they're still alive. Yes, yeah.


Yeah. Like, oh, and by the way, now you understand, right.


And anyway, they as I said, the duration of your stay destroyed for this moment. Well, I got to clean the dishes, made sure to go call everyone their name, not mom and pop.


When I said good night the next morning, my alarm clock was a howling, shrieking voice of Mrs Dooley screaming, oh, you, me, my.


Can you believe this? So this is so horrifying, I go to her and I mean, I really liked her.


She was really caring lady and I go to her and put my arm around her. And then we just have a cry fest and I'm going, man, you got your sons, you wouldn't want them calling one mom and that you would want me. And we ride it out. And you're 18 and you're comforting an adult. Yes.


Anyway, I went through the year, finally got a real run real quick. He eventually thank God I went to the Rotary Club, I assume, and said I'd like to try another thing, not just love it, but I just want to have as many experiences, like I didn't sell them under the bus or anything. And I just said, look, I'd love to.


Is there any other family that could take me in about a year here, maybe think, you know, and it was tough times over there. The economy wasn't great. You take another change, too, and you've got another mouth to feed.


Let me check into it. Well, the guy who had managed the bank that I worked at earlier as a as a work experience job agreed. I like to his family like me. I like them. They took me in.


Hold on. Hold on, hold on. There's one great thing. So he gets cleared to leave and then he tells his whole family the dulais that he's going to leave. How is that going?


And they just basically ignore it for a day or two. They don't bring it up in the north for four days.


So this comes up. We agree on this that I'm going to move out. Mr. Dooley agrees me.


Mr. Julian, the president of the Road of Talk, it brought up in the Thursday night rotary meeting on a microphone in front of everybody I Matthews is going to be leaving the Duli is going to move over with the Delta and everyone here.


And thank you to the do for James. Such great. I thank you and thank you to the says for taking Matthew next year. Now then we meet afterwards. Hug out, shake hands. See you Tuesday. The guy is going to pick me up that I worked with at the bank to pick me up Tuesday at six pm.


Great. I'll set then I ride home with Mr. Julie. Not a word is said about me leaving. We get home next day. Not a word said dinner. Silence the next day. Not a word said no. The family knows now, but not a word said the next day. That was Thursday. So Friday nothing said Saturday.


Nothing said no group over for the family to come over for a goodbye dinner for our exchange student. Maddie, you none know that no one's there, just our family. Five thirty dinner. Nothing said Sunday again. Not Monday. Not a word is said. It's just silence. I'm getting the silent treatment and not one word of oh, you're leaving.


Tuesday night is coming up Tuesday. We're dinner. Fine.


My final sit with to do this. I've got my iceberg lettuce, my ketchup. I'm talking. Here we go. I've been packed since last Thursday night. Now, I packed up that night when I got home once we agreed and I'm going with this is so weird.


This is so weird. I go back to my room after we eat.


It's about five forty five cleaned up. I'm quadruple checking my bags, man.


Make sure I got everything which I do and all of sudden I get a knock on the door, open it. And there's Mr. Dooley. We have decided that the duration of your stay, you'll be staying with us. So unpack your bags. You'll be staying with us for the duration of your stay in Australia. Again, I take the high road.


Oh, Miss Julie, thank you for well, for offering your home.


Your family have been great. And, you know, it's my year over here.


I just want to make sure I get with other families, have a different I as I said, and pack your bags to be staying with us for the duration of your stay here in Australia. Well, I fucking lost it.


I threw a left hook through the door and it was a plywood door in my arm going all the way through the other side. And I ripped it out and the plywood cut my arm all up and had blood running all down and wood shards and shit here.


And I'm just fucking shaken. Probably got a pisspot just started on my crotch. And I sat and I said, Mr. Dooley, you get you fat fucking ass out of my way right now, or I'm going to take you out the fucking back door and drag you down your gravel driveway. You're going to be pulling fucking rocks out of your back for the rest of your fucking life.


I turned around and scampered off down the hallway and I'm going, what the fuck, man?


Oh, he found you're breaking point. Congratulations, break, boy. I'm like the sweat off my brow. Go clean up my arm, pull the shards out, going, what's going on?


All this beep, beep, beep. I look at six o'clock. Guess who's here to pick me up. Yeah, my next family. I'll get my fucking bags.


I go down the hallway past that office where he took me to tell me you'd talk to Winston Churchill and then through the living room, out the kitchen, through the garage, into the. And there's my my man Macko, who's there to pick me up in his Land Cruiser and around him. Glad handing and hugging and dry and tears is the daily fact. Oh my goodness.


And I rolled my bags up and they helped put them in and they're like, Oh, he's such a great young lad. Oh God, this experience has been great. We're going to miss you so much.


And I'm going, yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all too, man. You know what's going on. And even Mr. Dooley's janitor, man. Oh, why? Oh, God, we're going to miss you, man. I'll get the car we drive off the top driveway, wave all the way to it, back on the highway, and I'm like, what the fuck?


Wow. Wow. Cut to five minutes later to my last night in Australia. The last five months were much easier and less acid tripping.


Yeah, yeah. I never found Al, but still everything everything went well.


I still maintain being celibate actually and came off the old iceberg lettuce and ketchup diet a little bit and ran, you know, three miles instead of six but a little bit of weight and still thought I might be going to South Africa to free help free Mandela, but thought that maybe a month was it my way in life because I wanted to communicate like people again.


Yeah. So we're around the last night doing what we always did drink and port wine, playing guitar, reading Woody Allen side effects, laughing our ass off, telling stories.


And all of a sudden one of the families that I stayed with, they were all friends.


The last three films that he was all telling. One was a Maggott. How the bloody hell do you stay with the daily? Hello. I was like, what are you talking about? What is that on? How'd you do that? And what they start laughing.


I'm a gas going. You fucking you knew you, right? And they laugh even harder now we're all all right. And I start laughing.


And I was like, was this a big Aussie prank or was this a six month bet? Wow. I say it in the book.


I mean, was I in a crisis? Sure. But I was denying there was a crisis and there's great value in that. I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you right now if I didn't have that year and that six months with those dreams.


I was in high school. Roland, you know, popular, had money in my pocket, a four handicap. Little Mr Texas.


Little Texas. You still think you're a little mister tax building and Little Miss is right.


And then all of a sudden I run into a great amount of resistance and I'm forced to go inward because I have no crutches, I have no friends, I have no cars, I've got no girlfriends, I've got nothing.


And I'm there at the these employed. But it was good overall.


And I and I honestly know that I would not be sitting here now if I did not have that year over there.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.


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Now, would you just want to touch down on a couple of things, which is you more than anyone in a very implausible way, you've jagged Leffew jagged, right. You've I think you've evaluated and you're like, this was good. Now I'm going to take a completely different mountain. I see that peak. I'm going to try to climb that. I just wonder. Yeah. What is it that you learned there that is allowed you to go from my favorite performance.


Albatrosses packing a 450 for 411 out back, you know, to take that role and make it what it was and then have this time to kill experience and then be in a ton of hugely successful romantic comedies and then go like, OK, now I want to do something. Those are all hard things to pop out of and pop and other things. And so you have some resilience. And I'm curious, what is the process? And more importantly, in those periods, just before you made these left or right turns, were you feeling humbled by it or were you feeling scared?


Like what were those feelings that led up to those big JAG's?


A lot of fear, but a lot of sleepless nights not sleeping well with the life that I was what I was doing, say, workwise, or where I was heading to.


A lot of fear from that, because I go between, I'm sure like you meant. I mean, on one hand, I'm so damn thankful. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This position. So on one hand I'm going like, who the hell do you think you are to even be thinking like, oh, I want to get out of this.


You're successful. What you do, you're making money. Look at where you live.


So I want to end that. On the other hand, I'm like, well, no, no, no, no, wait a minute. I still respect that. I'm not being disrespectful to where I am.


Right? You're not being ungrateful. No. Right. I'm not going to be arrogant with it, but I know I want something different and I want to try and get it. And either I can go to it or like I did before I took the two year hiatus with no work when I got off of romantic comedies.


If I can't get what I'm going toward, I'm going to, by process of elimination, stop doing what it is that I am doing and what is coming to me. So I've had phases where I didn't rebrand.


I unbranded by just going press and full stop and I'm out. No one sees me, no one knows where the hell I am. So all of a sudden, two years later, McConaughey becomes a good idea, a new good idea.


I've been pretty good when I look back at saying I got to get the hell out of here because I got to myself think I don't know who's Wagan, who, whatever happens, I don't care if I fail this career, what I need to be wagging the dog and not not the tail wagging me.


Yeah, it's almost like the analysis of when to leave a party. Right. You're like, OK, that person's out of the party. That person's out of the party. I'm still standing here. Huh. It's either time for me to find a new party or I'm going to be the last one standing here.


Yeah, well, and the hard part for me, probably in particular, is that my greatest strength is resilience. And I can look around at those people departing on why they quit so soon.


I'll stick with something, you know, and go, I'm so sometimes it's bowling through to the other side, just persisting.


And during I'm going to keep my head above water until I come out the other side, things will change for me. Sometimes it's like, no, I'm going to back up, I'm going to readdress this.


I'm going to pivot and make a different decision. And there will be consequences that come with that and consequences that come with the the persistence part, too.


I think as much as I acting that celebrity, this never for one second inside of me been like, oh, that's who you are. Oh, that's your identity. That's your existence. That's what I mean when I say we're just keep living comes from I mean, that's our right as humans first maybe some spiritual side, maybe to family side, maybe self respect side of going. Hey, are you being as true as you can do you right now.


What kind of. OK, so so what I really relate to is like I'm from a family of hustlers. My dad was a car salesman. My mom started as a janitor, built a business like I'm all about the hustle. So yes, I've been in these moments where I'm like, you got a much nicer house than you were ever supposed to have. You got the cars you weren't supposed to have. So shut the fuck up. But then I also am addicted to challenges.


You know, that's really what I'm addicted to is I like that. That's the sole feeder is the kid. That's that's it.


Right. And let me go try it out and then I'll know if it doesn't work. I can look in the mirror and go, yep, guilty.


If it does work, I can also look in the mirror and go, yep, guilty. That's a great feeling. It's the unknown.


When you're being wagged, you're like, how did I end up here? I'm not feeling any demarcation between events. It all feels like one thing and my feet aren't really on the ground. That limbo, it is a gilded cage.


Right. So what you're getting offered in that point in time is very hard to turn down. If you have the background that you had or that I had, which is like, who the fuck am I to say no to that many zeros?


My family said that to me, not Camila, but my blood family. Yeah.


And if I do, will I ever get those amount of zeros thrown my way? Because while I've been seen as ungrateful and all these things and what I did, I did I jinxed myself. Did I get cocky?


Why did I jackknife my situation? It was going well to everyone now. And that's how good you are, catching great light.


But then that's for each of us to we only each of us can answer what our own.


Personal green, that is, you know, would I be right from the outside to say that it's kind of, Wolf, of Wall Street that's the break through to where you wanted to go creatively as an actor?


Well, the first thing that came through was 20 months of dry. No offers came through, nothing. First, it was just romantic comedies that said no to and then it was just nothing for a year.


And then the first thing came my way was, I think Killer Joe. Maybe it was Lincoln Lawyer.


I think it was that little run, Killer Joe, Paper boy, Magic Mike Mud Wolf of Wall Street, then Dallas Buyers Club, which I had control of Dallas Buyers Club. Just no one to make it with me.


Yeah. And then it was a run there of like, oh, there's the dramatic fare that I want to talk about it in the book. I mean, the romantic comedies were great. They were fun.


It just got to where I felt like, oh, I'd read them. And I go like, oh, I could do this tomorrow morning. And that's cool. I don't if I wasn't getting complacent, but I was just warning.


I didn't know how to do any more real work that would make me go. Oh, and that's the theory I've got in the book about the art of running down hill.


There's a lot of times where when it's easy, we should be damn appreciative. It's easy and go, do not make the straight-line crooked brow. You're right, you're rolling downhill. Do not trip yourself in faceplant. And you're also making a living doing this and you enjoy it. Don't get all heady on this situation. There's other times where we go.


I need a little resistance here. I need some gravity here. I need to run up against something that I so I can mold something different. Yeah. Of myself.


So it's a fun one to measure in many, many different circumstances.


Well, I think I told you when we were sitting by that lake mud for me is that's probably my favorite movie because there's something about it, I think from where I grew up and there's a Badlands kind of vibe to it. It's so great. Everything's so patient, understated.


They have real no hurry. It's so awesome.


That's a very special film to me.


And probably I know it's one of my favorite, maybe my favorite because, you know, my dad's been been he moved on in ninety three, five days after I started my first roll and Dazed Confused, which was kind of serendipitous that his life overlapped with me starting the first thing that would not be that would be more than a hobby.


Yeah, but mud.


I've always seen my dad and I see him. I daydream many times coming to me and going, Hey buddy, you seen this movie Mud?


So he said, oh, come on, we're going to watch that. It's a good one.


And I can just hear him with his arm around me saying, oh, it's a good one. And that that gives me tingles.


So let's piss some people in Austin off right now by talking about how great it is, because every time I do, people get pissed, hey, you're going to make more people live here. Maybe I'm lying to myself. I feel like if I could, that's where I would live. There is something there. It's Barton Springs, it's barbecue.


It's liberal hillbillies. I don't know. What about that place? The second I stepped foot down there and I see the grass growing up between the concrete and all the cool manhole covers, they're all different from different everything about it. I'm like, yep, this is where I'm supposed to be at all times.


It's the people there. It is that mix. It's the blueberry in the tomato soup of Texas that freedom and progress progressive thinking that Austin has next to the backbone being the capital.


Traditional legislation and surrounded by a vertebra of red counties is part of what makes it beautiful.


If it was surrounded by more blue, I don't know that Austin would be the place it is. You're right, there is a unity there and at the same time, it's a come one come all.


All you got to do is be yourself place. It's not saying stay out red counties, right? Oh, no. We're still wearing boots and scraping shit of our boots in Austin, do you know what I mean? So it's a great Push-Pull at the university.


So you've got fifty thousand students right here at an institution which has youth. Coming up, liberal arts, questioning things, progress.


And across the street, you've got the Capitol and there's the suits and ties and the backbone of a legislation that has been around for a long time tradition and where those to reach out and engage and play is Donio.


You don't need that. Push-Pull If the Capitol wasn't there and we weren't surrounded by the resits, our identity could sort of pandor out and become a little too obtuse, you know, now.


Yeah, yeah. No, it's a weird, wonderful yin yang that is just palpable when you get there. My last question for you. So I have many times on here express deep gratitude that I don't have sons. I am so glad that I don't have to be in the position where I tell the son, listen, you're just going to have to knock that motherfucker out.


I'm sorry you're getting picked on me. You can get picked on the next eight years or you can blast this dude once in the nose and that'll be that. I don't want to be a part of that cycle and yet I don't know what other advice I could give.


And I also don't want to fight my son, say like. Right. I'm so informed by my childhood that I don't know how I would transition into this world. I certainly want my kids to live in.


So I just wonder with. You having boys? How have you set that course? Great question, because I'm in process on that. Obviously, my sons are 12. The one that came in and brought me the yogurt, MINAKO seven.


And then they have a sister in the middle.


I would say that is one way right there.


They have a sister in the middle in some form or fashion.


Boys, you're going to be younger Lebanese and you're going to be older, Levi. You're going to be in the same school.


A lot of times you'll look out for your sister in whatever fashion that she's your sister. Now you look out for each other as well and yourselves. But that's just your sister. Look at her and you're going to know the boys that like your sister. Now, you be real honest. Do you condone do you approve? Because we're going to go to you when your sister's first date and we're going to go to you. You know you know that boy to a good young man.


Is he worthy of taking your sister out?


So giving him a sense of that is one.


You know, I've got one child that is very much a pacifist that he's going to turn the other cheek every time with him after dealing with going, hey, that's beautiful.


At the same time, people will try and take advantage of that and we'll sit there and keep pushing it. If you don't stand up for yourself and fight back and said there will come a time probably on that proverbial playground, you can have a physically do something or I've said this and it's happened before.


You know what your answer is to that kid on the soccer field is picking on? You go down right now and score on his ass, and just when you go by, don't gloat, you go guard him, tell your coach you want to guard him. Yeah, yeah. And then beat him and beat him. And don't say a word. Do that as your version.


The other child is much more physical. And if him he's more the one I'm looking at going.


You don't have to hit everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean talk some of these out too. Yeah you can. You can.


And he's by no means a brute or a bully, but he's much more physically confident and would be the one that would much more quickly go. Oh yeah. Yeah.


And you see him work it out between themselves a lot too though, especially in these times where we're not on the playground with everyone in the school physically.


You see them work it out. I mean, our youngest one is tested, our oldest one, because he's actually more physical and will come at you harder. And the oldest one is faster, though, and a little smarter things.


And I've talked to him. All right. If you don't want to engage with Livingston on the physical side, just out with him.


Yeah, judo. Judo, I know. And so so just tee it up to where you tricky and he'll be like, oh, how did you get the last piece of cake?


I thought because I knew where to put or whatever that is. So I mean, I'm still navigating year by year, day by day with them.


And as I'm told, it's about to get all more complicated because those teams come up and we'll say, oh, yeah, yeah, well, you got to get that oil to make all make baby start our condition in that skin, get it going. Well, that's the other another big question here.


And you know, this man being in the affluent positions we're in coming from similar backgrounds where we had different resistance and given to us in different ways from where we lived to what we drive to how we were raised, disciplined, everything else.


How do we give our children the right amount of resistance to be autonomous individuals?


Because if we're saying yes all the time and go on, yeah, just use all the simplest to we are how life is.


Yeah. We're doing them a disservice by now. I think about it all the time.


I'm like I look at my kids, I go, they got a goddamn swimming pool in their backyard. I knew one kid in my town with a swimming pool. Yeah. How can you tell? What do you mean you're bored? You're bored.


Well, that's good. Now go figure it out. You're not turning on the tube, you know, whatever that is. Yeah.


I also think like, oh my God. Like, I grew up somewhere where I wanted to go somewhere. There was a Shangrila and I wanted to visit.


But they're already here, so I don't know where are they going to want to go. You know, it's all interesting.


And at the same time, we want our children to own the affluence that we have. Yeah.


Don't do any false modesty like now. My dad and mom aren't there. They're not. No. Yes, we are. Yeah. Yeah.


But your and I you know, when someone says that you live in big so don't get shy and go Oh to feel, don't feel guilty about this.


Own it. Yeah.


You know and acknowledge your privilege and know that you've got a responsibility to help people. That's that you know I had a responsibility. Try to go get all this shit. Now you've got a responsibility to help other people who don't have the shit.


Yep. And take it up a notch in another way. But what do you know? We talk about this a lot of time in our family. We all want relevant, but we need to ask ourselves first relevant for what you know and what's America say successes right now?


Well, generally, fame and money.


Sure. Well, that value system is a little out of place. We try to talk to kids.


It's not about the bigger thing is better always.


You know, I have that thing in the book about when you can ask yourself if you want to before you do. Yeah. You know, you get all these things.


You and I grew up in ways where if you get offered something, you go, yeah, I mean, shoot, I never had the option before.


And then you have to go, wait a minute.


I really like my jeans pressed. Yeah.


And also, I'm sure you've had the same experience idea, which is like, OK, I got all these things I thought were going to magically make me feel a certain way. And then I had those things and said, oh, no, I still need a purpose. I don't I haven't given myself purpose that me. But seeing lines in front of a camera on purpose.


Right. Right. And I think that's the ongoing thing. And I mean, I, I've got that Langston Hughes poem.


America yet is really been sticking in my mind was so much about not just for America, for the world, for each of us individually to realize that we never arrive.




But if we just stay in the race and commit to the chase and go, ah, well, I mean, we're trying to achieve the unachievable and so just keep trying it to stay on the adventure of it.


And that's when if you're a believer, that's where I think God's going.


There we go. Yeah, I think a lot of the general anxiety is a fantasy that we will achieve this utopia and then we will build a wall around it. But that is not how this is all working with every single generation after us is going to want to take it somewhere else. And that's the given.


Yes, indeed. You're awesome. You're fucking book is so well-written and so fun to read. I cannot wait to finish it because I got to find out about the peyote in the cave.


Is there an audio version? Yeah, I did. And and I do the audio. Oh that. I read me. I perform. A lot of those characters we were talking about, one is that out the audio? I think the same day, October 20th, October 20th, OK.


Oh, this is great.


Oh, if I could hear you telling me stories I just read.


Yeah, it was fun to do the audio too, but thanks for talking about it, man. I quite enjoyed talking to you. And it's been too long since we sat around that lake and said we were going to do it and here we are and next time I will do it in person. Yeah.


Can't wait. You're wonderful. We do have rhythm. I was right and I can't wait to see the next four to see. You need to be good, man. Hey man.


And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soul mate Monica Padman.


Here we go.


It is fact check fact check time at the Apollo. I don't know that that's not a song.


I just put together a bunch of words and they barely went together.


I thought it was the song that you love from Lost in Translation.


Oh, Midnight at the Oasis. Oh, put your camel to bed. That one.


Yeah. Oh my God. That's the one that gives me the worst feelings.


Ickes Really icky feelings because I think the woman was staring into Bill Murray's eyes when she sang that, quote, sexy song and it just wasn't sexy.


Yeah. Ouy Boy taken a big swing on being sexy is is scary.


I know. But also like necessary.


You got to do a bit, got to figure out what is sexy and what is just too perverse. Well sexy is authentic.


How about this. No. Your fucking audience. Well yeah. Authentic is a great thank you. That's probably the key. Yeah.


Because if she was trying to be sexy that's what's Cringely. Yeah.


That's the rough part. Yeah. Also again now step two, which is less important. Know your audience agreed.


You know, but if it's a stranger in that case it was a stranger. You can't know your audience. Wasn't it? Well, how about this, you go you go midnight and you I just. Can you imagine, like you would see pretty quickly and then you just try to play it off like it was a joke, OK?


Right. I'm down with that.


But then what if that guy, the audience actually hates jokes and so then you have to do so.


Take three. OK.


OK, Mignonette, you always have bad luck. I'm just kidding. Can you imagine and can you imagine if I made jokes all the time I'd be the worst.


I hate jokes. Let's fuck you and all that. Well, did I steer. Yeah. It's a parallel park. Parallel park.


Parallel park is good. Your buddy Kelly's in town. Yes.


My bet that you're Aaron Weekly is in town and it is lovely. And she's living in London. London and I asked her for some intel about your theory on great piano.


So we asked her about some intel about the brake pedal because she's been there for since January.


So going on ten months. Yes. Yeah. And from what I heard, I can't give specifics, but from what I heard, it seems very true.


It seems a little true that demand hard for you to admit.


I'm going to say a little truck. You'll leave a little wiggle room.


I don't know that it's that the women don't have a brake pedal, but it does seem like the men do have more of a brake pedal in the English culture than in here and just act in general more of the role that a female would play here conventionally.


Yes. Anyway, I just thought you'd find that interesting because we can never really find real data on that. And she's doing some research for us.


Yeah, we got a nice piece of anecdotal data that supported my theory.


Do you take her to your new house? I'm taking her today.


OK, can I tell you something that you have to get at your new house? Yes. OK, you're going to get annoyed by this because I'm in love with the entire product line. But another thing, Delta.


So tell me about part three.


Listen, another thing. Delta sent Delta faucets. Is this class Rinzler? Oh, OK.


I got to say, maybe I've seen one at a restaurant. What does that before?


OK, well, let's just start with the problem.


My complaint, and I know you have it, too, you want to clean out a glass, you cannot get the sponge in there and your hand to get that seam or the base of the cup meets the walls of the cup.


I have a particularly hard time doing it with our blender bottles that I shake.


Oh, my goodness. There's so much residues left. Yes. So what you do is then then I resorted to getting this big, stupid long scrubber that doesn't work either. And it takes up way too much room on the sink. So then it's under the sink. The whole thing is a pain in the neck and I hate it.


The Glass Trancer.


All you do, girl, is you set the glass upside down on this sprayer, the glass.


Renzler has a super high powered water jets and it reaches every little corner.


And all it does is set it down and you look at the glass and it's spotless.


Oh my I, I want that my coffee cups another time that I really hate. I hate cleaning those coffee cups. Put it on the glass printer.


High-Powered done. Also I really wish we had it when we have baby bottles.


That was because I have so much anxiety that you really want to get your baby bottles clean obviously because your baby's drinking out of it. You want to dunk in there.


And those are nearly impossible to clean because the mouth is so narrow, taking these geniuses, they're revolutionizing the kitchen.


There's no question about they're also incredibly easy to install and you must have it at your new house.


OK, and in fact, I'm getting one for sure when we build the new attic.


You are absolutely right that for our two thousand dollar mugs, well, these expensive lefty models are just floating around this attic dirty.


They need to say that because we don't have a glass answer here, but we're going to get one. Yes, I'm going to take her there. Take her. That's OK. And then I'm probably I would like to figure out a way for us to eat Houston's. Oh, that's going to be tough. I might have to be a pick up, which doesn't sound fun.


Yeah, that's that's good.


Oh. Oh, that reminds me.


I bought a new car yesterday. A new old car. Yeah. And I had to ride my electric bicycle out so I don't have anyone to get me did. Yeah. Well because you have covid.


I do not, don't say that but you had Calli there and you hadn't been, you had been tested but the results weren't in yet. Yes. So I couldn't hang with you. That's right.


So I had to ride my electric bicycle over to get this new car, was it.


Well, it was out in Mount Washington, which is I was not far from Pasadena. I could have just kept on going and. Houston's wow, that is a long way you rode your bike, I rode it even further when I dropped off my last purchase, the 454 assess when I dropped that off were farther away than the airport. What? Yes. You don't know. I told you the story. And then I rode my bicycle, my electric bicycle back twenty six miles through a war zone.


And remember, I was saying, oh my God, the city's got so many facets to it.


Anyway, I think I remembered it was that far. Gee, this was not far. This is only five miles. You know, the distance as the crow flies is probably only seven and a half miles from here.


But through the highway system in L.A., it can be a beat down anyways.


Are you going to drive up there and get it? I don't know.


TBD, we are not supported by Houston, so I just want to say that. But we are mentally supported by Houston's because we love it so much. And it brings us joy. We do.


I haven't eaten there in so long and it breaks my heart right now. I like the environment. The food is off the charts, but the environment is really special.


It's very sexy in there. That's where the woman could have sang that song and it would have worked.


The context would have would have bolstered, would have buffeted, would have, would have buttressed. It would have supported her performance.


The lighting was just musky enough that you'd be done on Bump.


But like I meant to put your camel bit, why does someone put their camel to bed?


Does that mean you'd tuck it in? And two options.


One, you've misheard the likely likely end to the camel cigarette. Put it out. Oh, no.


But an oasis is exists in a desert where you ride camels across. It's clearly Arabian Nights theme song. Oh, midnight at the Oasis is put your camel to bed.


Could the oasis be a club? And it's saying, lights out. What's it called? Last call.


Last call. Don't let the door hit you in the ass. Well, the only oasis that was in my area growing up was the standard gas station Oasis truck stop where Timothy McVeigh planned the Oklahoma City bombing.


Do you know that for real. For real.


Oh, you know, this is part of the Michigan militia. Oh. In this gas station is was just five miles from my house.


Wow. You stopped it. I should have stopped it if you get to time travel. Yeah, I know you're going to go hang out with my grandma and do naughty things. Yeah. That I won't want to hear about.


Although, remember, I amended that and I really just want to take Brad Pitt back with me so that those two can make love and I can witness it.


That's true. But also, while you're like in root, can you stop Timothy McVeigh? Would you OK, this is this is well, first of all, why this is a trap.


But go ahead. Why is it a trap?


Because I'm going to there's going to be an ethically correct question and there's going to be what I'd really want to do. Question No.


Do you feel like if you could time travel, you would go back and change something like that?


Something big man is it's it's always so hard to say. I wouldn't you you want to kill Hitler, I. Yeah, it is hard to say because I think people will be mad at me, but it's like the movie frequency.


I don't know if you remember that movie with I think Dan Quayle, Quaid, Dan Quaid.


It's just me. I think it's Dan Quayle.


No, the it's not it's Daniel Quaid or Danny Daniel Quaid.


It's Daniel Quaid and his brother, Randy Quaid. Dennis.


Oh, my God. Oops. Sorry, Dennis.


This is a great actor who I like a lot. So he is very guilty that I. Yeah, great balls of fire. He played Jerry Lee Lewis. He's got a great body boxes. You know, he's, you know, everything about him.


But his name was married to your girl from you got mail magariaf four years. Yeah. Really. You got it. You got mail.


You got it. Mail. OK, well frequency.


So in that movie he's communicating with his son, Zachary Brady. That's right. And he's dead. He's a firefighter and he dies at the beginning. So, of course, the son wants to stop that.


Oh, yeah. And it turns out you shouldn't do that.


Or let's take a lesson from back to the future. When Biff takes that sports almanac like a list of victories and then he becomes super rich and then we can write.


Yeah, it's really hard to say because, you know, well, World War Two, it's hard, but, you know, all you have to do, you wouldn't have to kill Hitler.


You'd have to go back and kill the assassins of Archduke Ferdinand. So there'd be no World War One. Right.


But here's the. But then guess what?


There probably would be a World War One like the Austrian Hungarian empire probably would have invaded some shit.


They had an excuse. I don't know. It's hard to know.


It's so hard to know. But what if you killed Hitler in the second you stabbed him in the gullet, you vanished because somehow by killing him.


Right. Led to a different version of how we discovered the nuclear bomb. And maybe everyone had it at once. And then maybe it was all our nucular assault the first time they were used. And maybe there's no humans here.


Exactly. That is a lesson from frequency. You bring one person back to life. Some other people go, oh, my God, what a movie.


What a great tale or a great lesson. I wonder how many people were like on the fence about whether they wanted to time travel or not.


And they saw that they go unsettles and I'm not going to do it.


I mean, I kind of thought that thought about it. You did? Well, I would definitely time travel. I would just try not to tinker with anything.


But you would if you bought bread, if you brought Brad every breath, you rat Brad Pitt, if you brought him to my grandma, you are you're going to banish me.


If she thinks she won't be able to get enough of it. Well, obviously, is it then I'll vanish you or you'll be even prettier because you'll have half of Brad Pitt's DNA in you.


It won't be me. You understand that, right?


Like it was you. Exactly you. But you'd be better at riding motorcycles. No one time.


I you know, I think this is a thing kids think a lot like. I think I was telling Delta about this way too young, but she is a very big brand. She could understand it. Not the Fosset Delta, your daughter. Oh, right.


We are not supported by Delta. The daughter just saw who we are again. Like we're supported by Houston's. We're supported by them emotionally. OK, that's true. So Delta, the daughter said something about then that person would be my mom or dad or something.


And I said, well, actually, no, if mommy had a baby with a different person, it wouldn't be you. It would be a new person. That's a mix of mommy in that person and it wouldn't be you.


And so she didn't care. Oh, good. Yeah.


But anyway, so if Brad Pitt and my grandma engage in sexual activity, sexual Congress, which is likely, you know, God, they saw each other even.


OK, here's the thing. This is how slight it is. Even if they do, me and my grandpa and my grandma still have the same life, like just extra just one night.


She has a little secret that keeps tight in her heart. And at night she you know, maybe she lets the fingers do the walking. Oh, and remembers that evening with Brad Pitt who arrived in a spaceship.


Oh, fingers that you masterbating. Well, it used to be a phone book saying for the Yellow Pages, let your fingers do the walking in. Their logo was two fingers walking because people go through the pages, they flip the pages long.


OK, so I'm now using that. Please don't sue me.


Yellow Pages, if you're in existence still, you could let your fingers do the walk.


Wow. It's a euphemism for masturbation. Your grandma.


Granny Baoshan, I guess, to be grandma, be granny masturbation grandma baby, yeah, Grandmaster Rage Grandmaster, it sounds like Grandmaster Flex a little bit.


It sounds a little raunchy. I know it sounds a little like a white supremacist. Graham masterbation.


Something about master. Yeah. Oh yeah. With all the clan members, titles like Dragon Master and exactly. Imperial Knight of the Seventh Kingdom.


But I guess I could also think of it in terms of Harry Potter. I'll think of it in that way. Terrence Bosner. Yeah. So my grandma and Brad Pitt engage even if it's just one time random night. Still the mix of over the egg of them, the egg.


That would have been the egg that would have been mixed up with my grandpa's sperm to make my mom.


No, no, hold on a second. She's not getting pregnant. But I'm Brad. I'm going to tell Brad pull out and we're going to visit her in a moment in her cycle where she's not ovulating.


This is going to be this is going to yield a baby. Well, of course, you can plan over the birth of a baby, not a baby.


But what if because she has sex with Brad, she she doesn't. She has a period.


OK. OK. I don't know how that's going to affect that because some eggs are going to get released during her period.


Oh, you mean why does Brad. Because I'll tell you why. Hold on.


Brad can't affect your grandmother's ovulation. Let me tell you something about our period. When Brad comes over, it's a Friday night. She's going to start her period on Saturday, OK.


OK, so she instead of having sex with my grandpa to make my mother, she has sex with Brad, OK?


And he pulls out, everything's fine. Then he leaves, he comes back to 20, 20 and she has her period back.


Just to be clear, he's coming back to nineteen ninety seven. I'm going to swing in and get Legends of the Fall Brad Pitt to have sex with.


Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot about that. I just I got a couple of stops on me. OK, so then she has her period. So then after that she has sex with my grandpa and makes a girl. But that girl's not my mom because my mom was the period egg that still doesn't make anything get done.


No. Yeah, it doesn't. Yeah.


Because the egg that's coming out in one period is not the same as the more different eggs.


How does Brad Pitt affect Grandma cycle? I told you this is so easy to follow.


Oh you're saying that she had sex with Brad on the day of conception. No, no, no, no.


I can look up when Hermila was born, OK? And I can backdate that and I'll get Brad in there before they get that moment.


OK, this is so easy to do correctly without any butterfly effect. Oh yeah. Butterfly effect, another one. And this is a really well worn thought experiment.


It is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't know we're it we're no we're diving into a lot of well-worn material.


All right.


Well, Matthew McConaughey, speaking of movie stars, speaking of hot, hot movie stars, there's few people well, there's no one I would want to trade lives with.


I like mine the most. Yeah, but if at gunpoint I was either going to dematerialize and never have existed or jump into someone's body, yeah. He'd be high on my list.


What about Brad?


I think Matt's having more fun. Wow. I think he's having a lot of fun. I've met his wife. She's absolutely stunning and nice and smart. Lovely.


Yes. He lives in my favorite place already. That's true.


He drinks successfully. That's true. Yeah.


I guess you could do worse. You came my way.


By the way, we should commit some real time to who would be our backup party. OK, all right. So I'm just I'm throwing him in there right now. There might be others that that end up passing him, but I don't I can't think of one now.


I would trade bodies with. Mm hmm. Well, it's not just trade bodies, it's them, you're them, OK, if I'm them, Bill Gates, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, she's passed. Yeah. Oh, do they have to be alive? Of course.


Oh, yeah. I can't pick like Stalin. Well, then I would have lived that life and I would have felt happy. I don't know.


OK, well, not as Stalin, but no.


No as Ruth Bader Ginsburg. OK, let me think of someone alive. Yeah.


Thriving comparable age preferably.


Oh maybe Michelle Obama. Oh really good.


Yeah. That would be you could leave with your dream lover. Yeah.


And I look mine's the opposite of yours. I'm not picking a life that's easy.


I know you want to be proud of yourself and I want to have a great time. I'm more I feel like I'm already burdened with trying to do the other thing. And it seems nice to just have a good time.


Yeah, I'm not interested in that. Yeah. You don't want a good time for a good time. Don't call me.


Oh I know who you might be. Oh. Michael Jordan. Well, I hadn't thought about, boy, I might be Tom Brady and other is not having as much fun as McConaughey Jordan. I would not pick I might pick Zazie beat so I could steer myself in the mirror all the time. I would never need to do anything but stare in the mirror. You know who I pick? Who?


Well, uh, I'd probably picked I was going to say Jennifer Aniston, obviously. Yeah, you would have been on Friday. I would have been on Friends would have married Brad.


That's right.


Or Dave Chappelle. You ronneby him. I would definitely want you'd be real proud of yourself. I'd be for him. I'd be so proud of myself. I'd be enlightened. I'd be magical. I'd be a genius.


That be exciting. He seems to have a good time. He's been through the ringer too.


He's been. Yeah. And he made a decision of high integrity. He navigated right out of it. And the commonwealth waters and whether I was thinking about him last night as I was falling into my slumber and are you is this a boy girl difference?


When you like someone that much, are you horny for them?


So I am not horny for Dave Chappelle, but I am. You want his respect more than anything ever going to get it?


No, there's no. What would he what would he be say now?


Well, I just don't think we do the things that the people that he seems to admire hold on. Are like really talented hip hop artists.


That seems to be who he respects a lot. He hangs out with a ton of hip hop artists. That's why celebs friends with him.


He hangs out with enlightened people.


Yeah. Who also can slang great verse.


Know can Bradley. No. And their friends. No, but he is better than the blues is a much better actor than us.


OK, I'm going to quit everything and then I'm going to start a new profession where Dave Chappelle will respect me.


Oh, we got to find out what it would be. He, of course, would respect you. I'm having fun.


You don't do the things that I feel like he's drawn to. He's probably not going to cross paths with me.


Yeah, no, actually, I'm not going to say that I'm going to will that into being OK and we're going to be friends.


OK, great. Would you be satisfied just being best friends with them. But he doesn't respect you.


I'd rather it's not cause paths if that were the case. All right. Here's your options, OK? One is he has the most undying respect for you. Like he's listened to all 250 episodes and he's like, this is the best woman on planet Earth. And I never want to meet her, yeah, or you are best friends with Dave Chappelle, you hang with him, you go to his live shows in the cornfield in Ohio. He, like, runs material by you.


You guys got to eat.


You get to hear all of his interesting points of view on every little topic under the sun and your best D I think you would.


But listen, you think I think the first thing and that's horrible is his ego.


But listen, that is ego. But I'm also smart enough to know, which is why he respects makes I'm smart enough to know this, that the situation you just laid out is impossible.


Why you can't be. He especially can't be because he has such high integrity. He can't be that close with someone running material by them and not respect them. I have zero people in my life who are in my top who I respect in this hypothetical I created.


That is the case.


OK, well, they're like, who do you love more than anyone? He'd be like Monica, who's who's the most fun to be around. Monica due respect, you know. That's what that's how it goes. God does what does that mean or respect her? I like her. That's what's important.


Oh, yes.


Yes. Question.


I'm breaking through more stuff than your therapist. I think I'd pick the second because he'd want me to pick the second and I gainer's respect the worst pick.


OK, so I only have one fact from Matthew.


OK, good, because we ate up all of his time with a bunch of hypotheticals about Brad fucking your mom getting remarried and my mom.


I mean your granddaddy grounded all always fucking over my granddaddy ram masturbation which maybe is racist.


We don't know. Yeah. The glass sprayers unparallelled. Oh yeah. And OK.


And now we're here to see Dave Chappelle and my respect or lack of balance.


OK, now Laura sent me one fact is who is the real little Mister Texas? Oh wow.


Is it known? Listen, I can't find it, but I can find he was runner up.


Yeah, that's another thing I'd gain if I took over his life as I would have been runner up in a beauty pageant. I didn't have a shot at that in my real life.


You couldn't find the real life?


No, I saw a list of the people, but it didn't say who was the winner.


And there were a few people who were like, my brother was in that pageant with Matthew McConaughey. But nobody is claiming because he was disparaging about their advantage, their financial advantage.


They're embarrassed. Oh, man.


I hope this leads to us finding out if, you know, the real winner of the little Mister Texas is that little Mr. Tucker.


That's right. I'm so sorry if you are the winner, I don't mean to laugh at it.


Nineteen seventy seven if you're the winner of nineteen seventy seven little Mister Texas Pageant and or you know who won in. Better yet, if you're associated in any way and you can put us into contact with them, we'll interview them.


I'll say that right now we'll do it on a fact check, right? Yes we will. We need photographic evidence and shit.


Not that you and I would know if it was faked or not.


Yeah, we're going to need some hard core evidence. I'm going to run it by Dave Chappelle.


Yeah, he'll know he can sniff out a fake a second. He doesn't respect you at all. He wants to go on every vacation he ever takes in his life with you.


All right. Well, look, we got to get Dave Chappelle on here if for no other reason than to settle this debate.


He is my number one guest. That's a really good number one guest. Thank you. Yeah. Man, if if for me. But between him and Bill Murray, that's a that's a real that's that's a tough one. That's a Sophie's Choice. I get that. Oh, I never really wrap this up real quick. So he was on the Letterman interview show that's on Netflix. I watched it last night. So I went to bed. Dave Chappelle, not Bill Murray.


Right. Dave Chappelle and I went to bed thinking about him in my slumber. No, I was not horny for him. Right. Right, right.


But I did think, wow, this person is an anomaly. OK. OK. And he is a gift to this earth. Uh huh.


You think he's black? Well, I'm just. You are teetering in the distance.


Well, no, I don't think he's a bigot since because of course, I don't mean that. And he doesn't want to be that. He makes that very clear. He doesn't want to be anyone's leader or anyone's anything. He's not comfy with it. But it's because of that have already aired my grievances against the Dalai Lama in here.


I don't know if I'm just not the time or place or I think you should do that.


All right. That's all. I love you. I love you.


Good night.