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Daddy. Mother fucking gang. It is. Alex Cooper.
Got it again for another episode of Call Her Daddy Daddy game.
Are you listening to me? I am. You guys are so fucking happy. We have a guest this week. It's not just gonna be me talking the whole time. I know you guys like. So, Alex, we love you. But like, please stop talking. No, we have a guest this week. She is hot. She is sexual. I literally before this asked her how she wants me to introduce Urch sick, you know, like five seven.
And I was like, perfect pussy.
And she's a perfect pussy. I'm guys introducing Hannah Burner.
I am so honored to be here. Dear Father. And I just want to say, you doing your solo episodes, like I hate hearing myself talk for too much of the fact that you can tolerate yourself for more than an hour is amazing. It's really, you know, I can't tolerate it.
I have a job to do. You hearing yourself laugh like, did you ever hear yourself laugh in the background of an NSA story?
You're just like, who lets me exist on this planet? So imagine everyone listening, doing that for an hour. And then I edit my own show. So I'm like, bitch, you are so not fucking funny. Shut the fuck up. Don't you wish you could edit yourself in person, like after an awkward date or an awkward interaction where like you say, I like you to the waiter when he says enjoy your food.
Edit that shit. Well, we can in a podcast, which is brilliant. So, Hannah, thank you so much for coming on today. I'm so honored. We okay.
So how I found out about you is when I was talking to my disgusting ex-boyfriend, he was disgusting. You know, sometimes we make decisions in life and we regret it to this day. That's one of them anyways. So he's talking to my ex and he was like, I'm watching this show. And I'm like, tell me what show? So we can bond, you know, quarantine. You need things to talk about when he's like, you're going to laugh.
But I'm watching a reality show and I'm like, okay, what's the reality show? And he says, summerhouse. Now, listen, I watch the card actions. I watch some of these big shows. And sometimes I'm not going to lie. I'm a little stingy with, like, what shows I pick and watch. So when I heard summerhouse, I'm like, I've never heard of it, but I have. But I'm not sure I watched it.
Obsessed, literally. Binge watched the whole fucking. What are they? Four seasons, five seasons, everything. I know everyone's drama. I know everything.
So thank you for coming on and hanging out. Thank you.
Summer House is a drunken psych ward and I feel like that's also what goes on within your brain. So you just felt at home watching it.
It's literally me on a reality show. I'm like, oh, all I do is like try to fuck dudes and then pee on hot tubs. And that's my aesthetic. I like bloat in crop top.
Blow it, dude. I was going to say the fact that you're on a real- guys, where I can talk about the reality show show the whole time. But the fact that you are on a reality show. I want to just quickly address like Hannah is, there is a scene where you are full blown, like moaning at the top of your lungs. And although they're not showing you having sex. We're hearing the sound effects. We see all of the people that live in the house with you like, well, what is that noise and what is coming out of that bedroom?
What does that mean doing to Hannah? How do your parents feel about it? So my parents, they are angels.
They just want me to be happy to get to the point where they're just. I know. So I was watching with my mom and my dad.
And the scene goes on, I just start going, oh, my dad's like, I'm trying to watch what you do. I'm trying to watch. He's like, Dad, this will change you for life.
If you hear this like, dad, I'm getting it now. Like, let's just address the elephant in the room. Pussy, get me. Ian, you don't want to hear it. But I. I want. Women to embrace their like, enjoying things. Like we're always caretakers, like make sure he feels good. I want to be like I give credit where credit's deserved. Your tongue is in the right and the right.
Then I'm going to make noise. I will make sure you know, I fucking like it here now. Thank you.
And I respect you for that because I think I mean it. Was it weird getting on a reality show, like convincing yourself to be okay with cameras like filming you, making out with guys so funny? Because when I was in the process of, like, interviewing, I was like, I'm not your hot mess, you know, I am like, I'm determined, I'm sporty, I'm independent. And then fast forward.
I'm like, I'm you're fucking hot mess, but I'm having a good time. Literally on the show, Hannah is just like fucked up. She's like hooking up with these guys. She's living her best life. You really were like one of my favorites, because I think although I do like some of the psycho ones that, like, I secretly hate, but you're one that I like so that you're and that's why you're here on the show.
So Hannah and I have a little connection. We have something in common. Hannah was also a Division One athlete. And I just want to quickly talk about it, not in like the boring way, but like I want to talk about it because in the past on call her daddy. And it was totally understandable. But my old co-host obviously had no idea. Even more like sports were. And we always joked about it. But I think a lot of people look at me and they're like, so you say you play division soccer, but you never speak about it.
And so sorry, but we like can't help but not believe that, like, you never fucking played soccer bitch. Meanwhile, up until when I graduated, that was literally my identity. Like I was a soccer player. I spent my entire life being a soccer player. So it's kind of nice to have someone here that gets it because you.
What sport did you play? I was a tennis player.
Oh, we love means nothing like that.
That said, it was zero and love. We won't. You know anything about tennis. Oh my God. We those are the match point. They had 40 love mean zero. Look at us teaching each other night. I it. I like know about tennis but I don't like know about tennis. Tennis is like a good vibe to when things come down, like we'll go to the U.S. Open together and like sit on a look, put on a la, I get a fit, get it.
But the only problem is you can't talk and me and you will get kicked out because we'll start like talking. Drinking. Yes. Okay. So I don't think like tennis player guys are hot, they're so hot. But a lot of them. Yeah. They're all like above six feet. Not too tall though, but they're kind of narcissistic because it's all about them, like they're not a team sport.
So I feel like I always pick Narcissus anyways. Do they make a lot of money. They can, but only like the top ones, right. Yeah, I know. Orderer and Nadol. Yes, I know those two. Yes. Hit me up. Yes, those two. They both are married with children.
Still it's still you know, maybe they're into that sherrills. If you want to fuck a professional athlete, you have to understand the sport a little bit. So you know what? The money coming in. Yeah. For example, tennis. He's three under the world. Not making money. Not making money. Same with golf. Three hundred. The three hundredth best doctors doing great. Not with sports. So, girls, do your research, do your research like lacrosse.
You're not making money and the sex is not consensual.
No, no. Duke lacrosse players are straight up like dirty, disgusting dance, but also like you have no career, you're making no money. And they're also all a lot of them are under six feet. Yeah. Oh, my God. I mean, because they're more sturdy at the ground like they hit each other.
She's a great Crono know. Let me say something in college, I will give it to the lacrosse team, like at Boston. They were kind of the guys that a lot of us started to hang out with because they don't take the sport as Semir normally. Yeah. Yes. So they can party more finance pros. It boom. Thank you. Okay, now let's talk about ourselves. How about that? We're like, okay, we let's start this sport now.
Okay. So, Hannah, you played Division one. I played Division one, and I think that you grow into a specific daddy gang, like I know that I sound like a psycho crazy sexual being, but for a majority of my life, I could not do certain things because, oh, my God, the scholarships on the line. And then once you get to college. Yeah. You can't post certain shit that normal college people can post because you're fucking coaches watching your every move.
They use the scholarship to scare the shit out of you, scare the shit you like. If you're late to practice, you lose your scholarship. And all of us are parents. Invest in us right here. Right. So you're like, I don't wanna lose my scholarship because I got hung over and slept too long. So our thing was we'd train all week and then we'd have matches. On the weekend and Sunday nights, us and the hockey guys would go to the K.K.
I went to Wisconsin, go Edgers. Oh, my God. My dad went to contemplate hockey there. Yeah. Small world. Small world. And hockey is fucking huge. You don't know shit about hockey, but my mom said to stay away from them.
She said they have no teeth IPD and they're all older than you. We, I love all, all of those things. I love no teeth. I love SCD. Those are things you love. No teeth. I don't know. It just means that they're bad athon like I don't know. The one of the guys that I was talking to had like fake teeth, veneers and they looked great. But I was like, I kind of love the idea that they're so like they're constantly in fights and they're just like rough around the edges.
I do like a guy who looks like he could take a punch that turns around if your nose is prettier than mine. We're going to have ish.
We're going to have issues because you're going to make me feel self-conscious. And I don't love to feel that way. I want you to be, like, a little less attractive than me. I love being the funnier one. And then, like, have models. OK.
Have you ever. Sorry, guys, we're out of a place, but we're gonna have you ever dated models. So I was seeing a model on somehow but he was half model, half athlete. He was like a hockey guy too.
So was a terrible combination. Most models in New York City. Yeah. They love themselves. They don't like guys who take long to do their hair shoot. And I don't mean to be like no masculine. No, but models. I want them to prioritize like living life. And all of these models are like doing abs in the morning earning Kalari.
I have to be honest, every single time I'm on Rya. I used to talk about it. I have a real loud too. We're getting kicked off.
We talk about where I know. You just can't talk about who's on there. OK. Got it.
So I love her, you know. I oh trust me. I've done my research because I'm like my fucking show dude. I'm not going be able to date anyone at some point like people think. No, we know you're talking about us on your show. So every time I go on Rya Daddy gang, let us know if you feel the same. But for me personally, every single time I see a model, I press X. He can be the most gorgeous model in the world.
Yeah, I know. I just know in my soul I will never date a model. I know that sounds superficial of me. Well I guess is that. No, that's not super fit. Wait, no, that's not on shallow thing we ever say in your life. Growing. Thriving.
I what? I don't want him. Not because of the way he looks. I'm sorry I'm being an asshole, but like, yeah, I think that they have like no substance. If they if you're a man and you're a model, you're so in love with yourself. And I don't I'm sorry, but I'm not attracted to a guy that takes pictures for a living. That's so fucking asshole. But sorry, this is a fucking hot guy. Models are the same as hot girls.
They're fucking crazy. And they've been treated differently their whole life because of their looks. Thank you. So like this model I was seeing, he was like, say, a stupid joke. And the waiter would, like, lose his damn mind, like he was a fucking stand up comedian. And I looked into my eyes like, you know, that that would be creepy if you were ugly.
And he's like, no, no, it's not like this stupid shit. And people are just like, really amazing. Yeah. Like. These people have not been treated by society like society's never told them to shut up. And we're told them this stupid. And like one thing I learned early on, I had this like older teammate who was fucking with the hockey guys. He was so beautiful and hot. But one of the guys who's on the Rangers and he just left.
Fuck, I love namedropping. Oh, yeah. Say his name is who was the captain of the Rangers like two years ago. Who's Soha brown hair. Oh okay.
That was hot. Where did he go. He, he went to Wisconsin then he went, he was on the Rangers. Right. McDonough Why don't I know who that person in their area. What a superb job. Oh. So I was at the bar and I'm a freshman and he was the captain of a he was like big deal. And he like came up to me to talk to me. And I looked at him and I go, Are you captain of the hockey team?
And my friend Jess grabbed me by the shirt, pulled me aside and goes, Don't you ever, ever, ever, ever the fucking satisfaction that you look up to them, they are nothing to. And from that day forward, your friend is Genea. She changed the game for me and like that, treating men like shit, but like it's not the bachelor. We're not trying to earn them to get their bullshit. No, let them get your fucking attention.
They the fact that your friend. I would have been that friend because I swear to God I remember long I was eighteen. I didn't know. You didn't know. I remember my when I was going on my recruitment trip. Right. Before I went for my freshman year, I went and we were watching the women's ice hockey game and across the stadium, my upperclassmen that we're gonna be my upperclassmen were like, guys, those are the hockey boys.
You will literally, like, never speak to them, probably like they are literally like gods, like blessed earth. Don't ever hit them on the pedestal. So I'm sitting there and I was a psycho in fucking high school. So I'm sitting there listening to these seniors say that to me. And I'm like, so I'm coming onto this campus. And if I do one fucking thing, it is going to make one of these hockey boys fall in love with me.
I get on campus. I do just that. I infiltrate the fucking shit out there, my classes, and I just love that word. Infiltrate, infiltrate, get the fuck in there in full. Tell me. And it makes me wet. Yes. Infiltrate, infiltrate their phone in their heads, in their wear. So I start hanging out with all the hockey guys and all my upperclassmen are like, what the fuck is Cooper doing? Like how did she start talking?
Don't, um, don't try to manage you. I like to say I can't be managed. You tell me not to do something.
I will do it. Thank you. I was like, bitches, you just don't have confidence. Fucking walk up to them and say, hi, my name's fucking Alex, let's hang out. But the point is, what is the point? Those men on that campus, if you guys are in college or if you're out of college and we're talking about professional athletes, they get everything handed to them. Yeah, they get sex handed to them. You know what Hannah said that that awful day at the bar or the night at the bar where you write?
Are you the captain? No. You don't even know he played.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. No idea who he is. And you don't fucking care. Also, you're busy like you've places to go. Yeah. Looking behind. You're distracting. He's annoying. Yeah. He's on his little. You didn't oih something about him of anyone in the bar. Like you're just like so I forget his name, forget his name on purpose like five minutes and just big. I'm gonna. I'm so sorry. So embarrassing. What's your name.
Yes. Do pull that shit. It's not mean. It's letting them know you're not on a pedestal. You're not. I don't give a fuck. I want to ask you, did you have to like worry about what you were posting on social media? Oh yeah. So I got in trouble once because I posted a Facebook profile pic that was so dope and I was like giving a middle finger. Hi. I was like such a bad guy and I was nineteen.
Just put in a finger up to the man and like been to the ballet was like, you have to take that down. And I was like, can I just blur it? And they were like, just stopping little bit down. I was like, fine, dude. That's what I hope people understand is like as great as it is to be an athlete in college, it's literally a fucking nightmare. Yeah. And you basically your whole life is controlled.
You're owned by your own like that. My biggest the hardest part of it was the first day of season. They give you a calendar that says every single day for the next ten months what you're going to do. And as someone who like, hates bosses, hates being controlled, I felt like I was in a jail. So it's kind of terrifying. I, I remember like my soccer coach. Lots of stories there. One day, daddy gang.
But my soccer coach was like, show up everyone's asses about social media. And I in high school was posting with all the red cups and people throwing up at high school parties like I was a degenerate. And so when I was in college, I remember getting a D.M. from barstool sports and they asked me if they could post my bikini picture for smoke show of the day. And back then that was like a big thing. Yeah. And I remember sitting in the cafeteria and being like, holy fuck.
Like, do I tell them? Yes, I know my coach literally is going to be like, you're off the team momos. That's like not contract. No, no, no, no. So I lied. So technically they they have to get your permission to post it. Yeah. So I give them permission. Barstool posts me as smoke show of the day.
I am up. You have to do a throwback Owens. Oh my God. Oh my God. I should. It was literally a picture from the Dominican Republic my ass. Like I'm pretty sure it was like so fucking like, um, airbrushing it like looks bad now but like it back then it was hot apparently.
So they post it and I know immediately I'm fucked. It was started to spread like wildfire and all of a sudden my DMF that was the beginning of the professional athlete saga because my dad, it was insanity. So I'm on it for less than twenty four hours and my coach calls me and I am shitting bricks. I'm like, this is it, this is it. She calls me scariest woman alive. She was like, Alex, I just heard what's on barstool sport.
Take it down now. I can't. And I'm like so I don't own barstool sports but let me get in contact with that guy, David Portnoy. So I'm going apeshit. Demming Dave Like, I'm like, I don't know who this is. Like I hi. I need you to take all off my picture like I need to take. I'm not porn though. It's not just my asshole. Yeah. It looks great. Yeah.
So but I get in contact with guys who works at so now he takes it down less than 24 hours. I got so many fucking followers and it became almost like a bigger story because I had to take it down because I was an athlete, etc.. And after that picture controversy around you at all times. So anyway, so after that, I started to connect with all the professional athletes in Boston and that situation in college was not normal.
When did you first realize, like, we these athletes are not healthy all the time?
Oh, no one tells you that when you're younger.
That's a really good question. I think I. I always knew, like having I grew up with my dad working for the NHL and literally as I grew up. He was like, I know I'm raising you around all these professional athletes, but they actually fucking suck, Alex. And all I'm hearing is I love them, Dad. This is amazing. And what do you I fuck everyone that's like, oh, you have a type. What do you expect?
When I was literally when I'm little, I'm going to the stadium for Christmas parties with my family skating on the ice with these fucking hockey player.
And you skate. Yes, bitch. Yes. Shit can do a twirl.
I was on a hockey team. I was younger only. So, like, why do you think I like fucking hockey players? Right.
So but I always knew and I think that from a young age, I just never even let myself think about them in a. But it's also hard because your dad, the hockey player who met your mom. You. You're like, oh, hockey players. I'm like, look at that. He did it, Daddy. Number two should be able to do it. That's so fucked up.
Yeah. Guys like our dad.
Exactly. It's so true. Yeah. And my parents are the most in love. People like Little been married for over 30 years. Like, oh my God. But my dad's a dick and my mom's just like you find a guy. The second he met me, he changed. I'm like, you're the exception to the rule. Okay. You wonder why I.
Can I tell you a theory I have?
Because now that you're in the club with our parents are still loving you out there. I think it almost fucks us up more because our standards are so high. Thank you. In today's all of my friends, their parents are divorced. I'm like I'm I'm the only person that has parents that are still in love and together everyone who is who. No, literally. I grew up in the most healthy, stable environment. Still floor, literally. They are so in love.
Like my dad is so obsessed with my mom. It's like insane. And I'm like, so let me just tell you folks something. Fuck you. I always tell them this. I'm like you. I suck. Because now, Dad, there are no men like you. So I'm looking at the two of you have this amazing relationship. I can't find that anymore, Dad. They all fucking cheat and they're disgusting. A hundred percent rather be single than stuck in a relationship that makes me feel like crap.
Dude, same like the women that stay in relationships where they're getting cheated. I'm like, so how do you do that? How do you, in a constant day to day basis, know that he's fucking around and you just stay for what? For what? How much self-worth do you have? They say happiness. Like the the loneliest you could be, I guess is you single. And then like the saddest you could be is in a bad relationship.
So it's like the saddest you actually are is not when you're single, it's when you're in a bad relationship. That's actually so fucking true because it's like you have it. You're supposed to have it must be great and it's fucking awful. Dude, I swear to God, if anyone's listening to this and you're in a toxic relationship, I know it's easier said than done, but get the fuck out commercial.
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So I preferred football guys. And I like them big. Like, I was dating this six eight dude at Wisconsin. But it's funny to when you date when athletes that they have so much high pressure. Yeah. This guy also was definitely like his brain didn't work like you tell me he'd get hit and he would just see colors all the time and he won. It's okay, babe. I'm here for you. What? Your face is so symmetrical.
You look so cute, though. He texted me once. He spelled the word isn't EIAs I. A.. And I was like, did you notice how it's spelled? He's like, I'm tired. And I go, You don't add a letter?
No, you don't add a letter. No, no, no. Do they're so, so meaty and hot, though. And the problem with eating the in athletes is like he was on TV every week and like on ESPN. So you'd watch the game and you'd just be like, please don't be the one that loses the game for us. Yes. I'll be like too much on me. Yeah. As a girlfriend. And then, like, then then they don't want to come back and party and like, it ruins your whole week.
Dude, my mom to this day is like, can you stop dating athletes? Because I will watch him pitching. I will watch him in the game fucking skating around on the ice. And I'm sitting there and my Saturday night depends on if this motherfucker's going to be in a good mood after this game. And I'm literally like screaming at the TV, like, don't fuck up, you fucking loser. And every time it goes wrong, I swear to God I am bad with his bullshit actor girlfriend calling his dad.
If I talk to any more pissed at you, he hates you. You're not going to the party. Do not a fucking times. I will watch that motherfucker pitching or skating or doing whatever the fuck he's doing. And I'm sitting there. I'm like, so he just lost the game. And I swear to God, I'm a black cloud along athletes like I swear to God I can't be. I'm even speaking entering that since I tried to hide it.
Every fucking athlete that I date something, they get injured. Something happens to them. I swear to God, I'm bad luck for them. But I'm going to cut that out because I need to let them go.
But it's the truth. It's the truth.
It's just these are things I'm trying to open people's minds who really want to do this. No, this is the problem, Alex. OK, are you ready? Yes. You are playing the game so hard that you don't even know if you actually like him. Yes. Thank you. So I realize that I've dated guys up like this one guy I was dating who had fame seven months in. After I'd won him over, Gwent met his parents.
I literally looked in the mirror one day and I go, You hate him like there's no one part of him.
And that's why they're doing the stand up routine. That was like, do you actually like him or does he just whereas hat backwards. Oh, my God. I'm there. I come up with one now. Luck. OK. Well, I would my go to is do I really like him or does his Google networth say that it take above five million and I'm like.
Like me. I'm sorry.
It's kind of fucking cute when you see the millions and you're like, Hi, baby. I'm sorry. I had the time to make these guys buy me shit, but I just like. All right. So me.
I mean, there's a little things like, do I like him or do I just like when he clenches his jaw and it makes that little muscle movement in the back of his cheek. Keep going. Wait. That's such a good one. Oh, my God. When they have, like, nice bone structure and I have a terrible rule, the amount of inches a guy is above six feet is the amount of months I'll stay with him after discovering he's a can.
Huh. Why does I get a wee. I know I'm fucked up, but you you like three, six, eight with eight points. According to my calculation, we have eight months. That would be good to go. But I'll fucking be down because am I can tell a guy's height from across a room. Oh yeah. And do this come up soon. Be like I'm six and I'm like half and half. It's not only to be hard, just stop.
Let me get out my tape measure starting. This applies because that's all I hear. Fuck you. But my create one of my wildest nights for D1 tennis. I'm at a D1 school because you probably have some wild night. Yes. One was I had a dick appointment like, you know, those nights when you go out and you already have a dick appointment. My God, it's great. So I was fucking these big football dudes and I.
I just wasn't having fun anymore. And I said, I need to fuck. The next thing closest to an athlete but non athlete.
And that's the mascot for Tiger's name is Bucky Badger and he has fucking swag. I don't appreciate you right now. I thought you were gonna say a nope. I there is a guy you're like, so I'm like the mascot for you. What? He's a bad year and he's fucking adorable. No, I think that's the lowest low. He wears a mask, got jumpier. Will love Bucky. No. Why people will go nuts. What is Bucky.
What is the mascot. Is A, B, C or B you. Oh B you. It's a a terrier to fucking dog. Okay, well, mine was badgers like the African honey badger is the most scary animal in the world. Right. I read that on you too. Oh.
Oh is it. You can read that on YouTube. Yes. Yes you can. I mean I. I'm an idiot. I mean it. Okay. To use are fucking the mascotte. I'm going to try not to judge.
Keep going. Once he was like can I fuck you with the mascot. No he didn't. And I was like I was. I can't. You're lying. No, he asked me.
So was he. Until like four years. You know, people like dress up and like want to like wear that kind of shit to actually fuck you. Do you? But it's one those thing sometimes guys do it just to tell their friends. That doesn't turn me.
Right. Right. I'm like, if this is a story bro, like go fuck a stupid Stacey. That's like a fucking done twice. And if it's not a good story for me, I don't want to I don't know that person. I am sorry, but I don't think you want to be like, oh my God, that's got any war is fucking hot. I don't think so. I don't think that's a nightmares for the rest of my life.
Like huge teddy bears trying to fucking come inside me. That's only a nightmare. Okay, go ahead. Is Dick appointment and I love going out and you've no stress of trying to find a guy like he's like afterwords hit me up so that I get his party and I see again pro before he's not athlete, but he was like a manager on the basketball team. So he's like a wannabe. Oh God. Okay. But he was he was older.
His name is Tucker Tucker.
His Social Security number was like his Instagram. Is this I'm good to come out.
I mean, if he was so hot, he was my brother's friend and he was older and I always thought he was so hot and he had this like, you just beeline towards me, OK, we're flirting and we're talking. And I was like, wait, I want to fuck Tucker, not the mask the mascot.
And it's like the mascot or the basketball manager guy. Which one is worse? I don't know. Keep going. You don't know. We're in a dark place and we don't retire. Yeah, we just like staying positive. And he's like, come back to my place. So I'm like, yes, go back.
And we go to his his little room, you know, back then guys and have man.
Oh yeah. Of course. We're in dorm room. We heard it. It's awful. And we're kissing and it's so hot and I'm just like, oh yes. And then he takes his pants off and I take my pants off. And before he even goes and me he goes, shit, I just nodded.
And you don't know, like, do you laugh. You like do you do you like say it's OK to be like no you're joking. Or do you like check to me shit on him literally like you say. Is this what your dad ramadge you to do in college or leave your dad. Be proud of you.
What the fuck are we doing here bitch. You lost it.
But this is the problem is like as a girl, I just liked him. Right. So and also guys, when you come fast, you're going to talk shit about it. But we're also deeply flattered. We are deeply flattered. And also there is something about it that like. You know, he's insecure in that moment. So if that happens, you should take advantage of him being vulnerable. And you can literally, because if you treat him right and don't make him feel shitty, he will literally be like we.
I actually really like this girl. She handled it really well and as embarrassing. Why did you feel safe around you? Yeah, I'm just. You're so right. You are a mental terror, literally. I be like, it's OK. And then that's kind of the best situation sitting there. We end up like talking and just one on and were talking shit. And then my phone starts to blow. Oh God.
It's the mask. And the mask is like goes, I'm in your apartment.
Your roommate let me in. I'm in your bed waiting for you. And I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm so kind of into the mask up, but I'm very into this guy right here. But I realized, like, I have to dip. So you don't get do I go? I have to go. And he goes, can I please walk you home?
And I go, oh no, no, no, you can't.
You can the mask out actually. But he is coming.
But I'm lucky that my apartment doesn't go. You.
I'm sorry. No. And you could tell he's like feeling rejected. Right. Input here. But, um, part of me is kind of like, wow. Like I rejected whatever I should to do. Right. And I leave and then I go home and I like messing with the Buckie and I felt so naughty. But the problem with this is, is I never heard from Bascule manager again because I think he felt so rejected when I was actually so into him.
Dude, I am so. Oh my God. Every man listening to this. Listen to Hannah right now. I swear to God, that makes sense. Because he was so embarrassed and inhale and then trying to be like, don't walk me home. I don't think she hates me. He was like, she literally thinks I'm a little weenie. And I proved to be just that. What I splurged all over the carpet. Gay fucking law. We any girls are not as picky as do our due to be like, oh, I don't like her hip to waist ratio where her eyebrows.
Oh her pussy was like slightly not wet enough. No girls. We just fall for the energy of you. And like we will improve your dick game. Yeah. And also like, like you said, it's almost kind of like a compliment if a guy like comes out fast for. You mean that you touches like excessive Mackley. So I think it's really sad though. But I think a lot of guys need to hear that, like he probably was so mortified and especially because you're an athlete.
He's worried about his reputation. And so he's like, I can't even go now. I'm a huge mouth. Exactly. Knows I'm going to say it on a podcast. Years later, hundreds more easily.
Like, I still would fuck Tucker. Tucker, if you're out there. Yeah. There you see. And like that was your only impression of him.
Let's talk about flirting strategies I love because I kind of like going back to basics sometime on the show.
Like, I think that we can talk about five something cuckolding and we can talk about likes sparking 17 other people in one night. But flirting is probably like my my favorite thing to do in the world.
It's the only thing that brings me joy in life. It's the only thing. It's the one thing that I hold sacred. OK, so let's talk about like, what would you if you could. Can I give you my my classic approach. Go. OK. This is bar scene. This is what you do at a bar. I forget what it's like, but this is what I do know. TVT to be some type. And this strategy, you will always know that if he wants to fuck you, he will talk to you, OK?
With this strategy. OK. And if he's not into you, it won't work. And that's OK because you're moving on to the next. Moving on. So you at a bar. You see the guy we know within a second if you are attracted him. Yes. So the first thing you do, if he's talking his friends, you walk by and you talk to his less attractive friend. Boom. Brilliant.
So you'll say. Because it's so much easier to approach and you ignore him. You don't make eye contact. You're very friendly. You're calm. You walk up. Let's say he has like a Yankees head on. You just go to Yankees, like say something to get a reaction. The thing is, I'm very like observant. Say something specific to them. That's why things don't work when you're like, oh, do you go here often and work with anyone?
Find like he has a weird tie. And I go, oh, I like the color blue on you. You just say it and let him react. Have a little fun and then get out of there. Get out. You're just this is a long game, you guys, but I don't have time. We have a bar. I have. Oh. I mean, it's fine. You're doing it with multiple people. Oh yes. I am a.
No, this is really I mean, until terrorists here.
This is great. So we infiltrate them. We get out. Make them so. So the guy. So now you guys are friends. Yes. So now like you'll walk by and you see like I gained do low point like. That's my friend. Yeah. At the point he might be thinking like this. You want to fuck me. Doesn't matter. You don't. Yeah. That's his problem. That's absolutely his fault. Then you're gonna go up again and you're going to talk again.
And the guy is finally if he's into you, is gonna be like, why is this girl talking to all my friends but me? You can talk to his other friend. You're in the group now and you're fucking ignoring him. And at that moment, if he's into you, he will say, what's up? He. In. We can just pause so everyone can take notes, Hannah. It's a methodical process. Word for word moved from her.
Move. It's someone told me that it's somehow written in this book, like the game that I just subconsciously start doing it. If you don't give the guy attention that you want to fuck, it will bother the fucking shit out of him if he's attracted to you. You're so right. He will say something that I I'd be so warm with his friends like, oh, now fucking exchange numbers. Yeah.
You're like guy. They mean he's like he's going to be here tomorrow and he's over here like. So you haven't even made eye contact with me. Like do you even notice I'm here and I just want change. You guys are not going to chase when you're with your friends at the bar having fun. You have to put it out there. It's like a first kiss. You got to give him a little opening. And also with flirting, I go two ways.
I have the nagging where I'm like a bitch. Okay. Yeah, but like a bitch in a very if you can say something as mean as you want, as long as it's in your sexy voice. But the other end is being overly complimentary with dead eyes. Oh can you literally go wow. I think I'm in love with you. And he's like and he doesn't get it. He's like obviously you look like you would kill me. But like, I'm glad you're saying that, you know, you're so handsome.
Oh, my God, you're so handsome and he loves you. Is he being sarcastic? Yeah. He doesn't know because if you actually like four dates and are like you're so handsome, he's like, oh, he's like a feeling she's into. Yeah. You come in with feelings and you mean he knows you're fucking with him. He's so confused so I don't know what to do. You also can turn the next second and be like, I think I'm in love with your friend.
Like, just don't make sense. Be consistent and don't make sense. I literally have in my notes flirting strategies and I have one bullet and it says inconsistency. That's literally my game to a fucking tee. And I'm so happy I have someone sitting here worthy of the daddy game. But you get the game, you get it. No, it's it's refreshing because I think a lot of women listening. You're like I how do I even go up?
How do I even approach. And what Hannah's saying is like men are at a bar to meet women. Women are at a bar to meet men unless you're lesbian or gay. Totally fine. Then you're going to be bad women.
Whatever. Fuck. So you going up to a group of men? If you are in their eyes the slightest bit attractive, you can literally go up there, like Hannah said, and be like, oh, nice Yankees hat, fuck you. And then, like, go to the bar and then, like, he's, like, staring at you, like, wait. Who is this bitch? And then you go back to your boyfriend's and he sees her with like six girls, five girls, two girls yourself who fucking cares.
And then all of sudden you're on their radar. Men want to talk to women at a bar. So if you go up and if you're the one I love initiating with the man, I fucking love it because it gives you the power. It's so it's so good. And I think what am I. The power that you gave you can easily take away. So you're not like putting yourself out there like crazy, you know? And guys, I'm sorry.
You're not like if you gave babies, you know, literally if you got rejected. OK, who cares? Who cares? One thing the daddy gang needs to remember, because you have a lot of empowering stuff to keep. Girls like not getting distracted by boys. Like, I think focus on their shit. You don't actually like him. No. Like, I'm gonna put this back to the beginning is when you're like, why would it be consistent?
I wanted to get to know it because you don't like you don't like it in that effort until eight months. And when you actually do like him so many times, you get hung up on these guys when it's like you don't look like him.
You don't even know who he is. You literally met him once. He's standing or at the bar. You like the way he looks, but you rejected his entire life onto him. You don't know that he's a secret family. He's gonna put you in therapy for four years.
Like, it's so fucking true. I think that my. I think my flirting strategy. It depends. Like, I go the sarcastic route a. Sam and I love to make men feel insecure. But you have to do it very delicately to not fully crush them that they're like, okay. Can't handle this girl. But I kind of like to mentally manipulate and like I'll be like hanging out with him. And if it's towards the end of the night or if it's on like our third date or something, I'm constantly dropping the line of just being like, oh, my God, you need to relax.
Like, stop falling in love. And when you verbally tell a man, no, you're stop it, you're falling in love and you need to, like, relax. He starts to be like, no, no, I'm not. What are you talking about? And then it puts in his mind and then you are making fun of him for falling in love. And he wasn't even thinking up. And now he's insecure because I know it. I don't know.
I'm not falling in love. Why such a sex stick? But it works because I've done that to almost every guy I've ever dated. And then all of a sudden, they're always telling me they're in love as your brain cannot register non-negative. So they just heard love. Love. Thank you. And then they're like, oh, OK. I also think the physical touch, if you at some point when you meet this man, if you just make physical contact right off the bat with the guy, he's going to love that feeling.
Your touch for like two seconds. He's like, oh, fuck, this bitch is like in my fuckin space. Don't be aggressive to the point where he's like, I'm uncomfortable, where he's like, please stop coming. My my dick. He's like, so my here. He's like, oh, I like my dick stuff. Yeah. Don't overdo it. Like don't put your hand up a shirt. No. Don't fucking don't touch his hair.
Actually. Oh. Well first after quarantine I was around some guys and I was like so horny out of my mind.
Yes. And one of the guys was cute and he was being really shy and he was talking to me. And then I go, Can I smell your hair? And he thought it was so Elzie. Can I smell your hair? He goes, OK. And I go, Yeah, that's good. And he thought it was the funniest thing ever. And he never forgot that I did that. He fell in love with me after that. Won't stop texting me.
Turns out not into it. However, however, however we're like. Don't be afraid to do weird shit. Too confident about it. This is the thing. I'm going to go ahead and say do it, but don't do it. You are. No, no. You're a type of girl that you're confident and you're like weirdness work. And like, I definitely could do that to a guy. It would work. But then there are the girls are like way more reserved and on the normal track.
Yeah. And if you're like, can I smell your hair? And the whole night you have been a pretty corporate ass bitch. He's going to do. So this bitch is out of her fucking he saw coming with me. He knew something weird to start casada. We are. OK. Commercial. I love when I can sprinkle in like a little quick healthy moment here, guys.
Ritual. Vitamins. Oh, my God. Saying the word vitamins on this show. Literally just gives me like a breath of fresh air. We're like sex, pussy money. Oh, fucking. And then my guys vitamins. OK. Well, we all want to keep our bodies healthy. Yes. Check. Alex, stop eating so many goddamn sour patch. But even if we're fucking trying to eat our kale salad and drink green smoothies, we're most likely not getting the essential nutrients we need on a regular basis.
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I'm actually about to possibly shoot another season, a summer house. Congratulations. And when you have guys you're talking to right before the show, it's so hard because you have to be like, oh, we just met, but would you film or wait?
So you're okay. You're getting quarantined in a house for six weeks possibly. And no new men can come in. That's what we don't know. And I hadn't been fucked since December because your girl did not know there was gonna be a chorus. And I would either pair I would have back it up.
I would have had a meeting. Right. Right, right.
But I just got dicked out. Well, tell us about it. Yeah. Actually had the hottest day we. That's amazing. That's I think that we're both in good moods because we both had Dick appointment with Glow and tell me about it. So he's older. He's 44. I am wet. We that. I'm not kidding you that age to me just something does it right. Because it's like you're not going to be like fully like you're not going to marry this man.
Maybe you will. But for right now, all that screams to me is good sex. Well, these 20 year old guys are squirrel brained and also they're only as good as fucking as their last ex girlfriend. And she's a fucking. She doesn't know what's happening. But, yes, she's been fucking you. Right. Right. She's been bugging you. I know what the difference is.
OK, guys in their 20s are, like, scared. They're like, you want to come.
But when you see guys in their 40s are like, I've seen too many tits in my life, let's fuck and go literally desensitise. He's like, just going into actually a good fuck. Yeah. Two guys in their 20s, like girls can smell fear. If it if you're gonna come in two seconds, I want you to be calm about I want to be like the single best fast nut you're ever going to get really like slutty to own and be like get ready bitch.
Thirty seconds like fucking come immediately and then turn me over and start licking my pussy lightly. Yes, but the guys are like I look up, I'm like, Jared, you're quaking up there. Are you okay. He's like, I'm good to I love his name is Jared. I've never talked to Jared. I'm gonna go into the forty four store. Yes.
So we weren't sure if we should do the kissing thing because of the pandemic. However, he was tested. I knew I was good. OK. We're really on the beach and we kissed.
And Ivan, the oldest guy I've ever kissed, was thirty six. So I was afraid I was attracted him, but I was like, what if I kissed him?
It feels like I'm kissing mainly creepy older uncle. Yeah. Oh yeah. Like you're wondering what's going to happen. It's going to be sparks or it's going be like terror. Yeah. Yeah. But I was I was into it and then we started kissing and then he was like, let's go take a shower. And there was like an outdoor shower and shower. Sex is difficult. I once tried anal when I was 19 in the shower, which was one of the biggest regrets of my.
I was going to say, are you OK? I'm not. I know you'll never recover either. I've literally hated I've never tried anal sex. Me either. OK, great. We're victo. We literally have fucking post-traumatic stress fuck in the shower. First of all, get a good temperature. It's hard. It's hard. But then get away from the shower. Get. Just like there's a little shower hitting you.
But you're like we don't need to be getting waterboarded while we're fucking. It's not it's hard to move. Like, I don't want to be like and I'm not like guzzling on your dick. I'm guzzling. There's like water fill trading down my fuck. I'm like, I can't breathe. Well, like, you keep fucking me, dude. So, yes, you Benguiat me over and we start having sex. But your girls, 28, your girl has played tennis for a long time.
The joint, the joint. And you know, like when you try to pick her prepared but were packed above the pack the booty pack the booty and you're perked up and then lower back. It's sartin weird. And then I turned to just go sit down because there was a little place for the conditioner and shampoo. I said, sit down is like where I'm like just oh, just buckets. No, just kidding. I don't say fuck. You should have like I like to be.
Unassumingly, bossy, like you don't have to be like a complete dominatrix with a complete let go of me, I'm a victim, be being between, be like taken in and be like, hey, sit down. I sat down and then I took my tennis Qudsaya legs and I went up and down on his stick.
I pushed myself past that level of your burning. I'm burning like I pulled my quad. But here we go. It's worth it. Get that. Not bad. Get that. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, my God. It was so much fun. And then he. Because I don't know if he's 44 and like. I don't know. He just wasn't coming. And he knew what to do to, like, not come.
And then he was in a good way and he was like, let's finish this in my bed. And then. Oh, and then it was.
Yeah. And there was game over. And then was gone. So I think this is like some of the best sex you've had.
I hate to say that because it gives him power, but yes, but yes, because, yeah, he was just so focused on you.
Now I want to fuck a 44 year old. This is bad. He has great skin because he moisturizes. He told me, oh, my God. I wonder what he moisturizes wear.
I don't know. Soifer Saipov. Let's go sponsor we. Okay.
First and foremost, I want to give you a big fat kudo's because I always tell the daddy gang if you can squat on a man's dick. It is not easy. You have to push through. It is fucking hard out there in the street going to feel burned. You're gonna feel the pain. You've all had chlamydia before anyway. Exactly. Keep going. Keep going. Oh, no. It's so true. Like when you can take a shot and you can handle that burden can squat.
You can squat on the deck and listen, bitches. It's not easy. And I think the worst part sometimes is like, I gotta be in the mood because I know once I get up there, the level of how much you want to squat on his deck, you're ready to be done after like five, six fucking up and down. So you're like, damn, my quads are done. However, we aren't no bitch like we are the daddy thing.
Like we fucking fuck. Like we're going to fuck the living shit out of his deck. So I black out. Every time I'm on top that I am just wanting healthy, but I don't think it is. And if great results. Yeah. And that's what we came for. The great result we get the view and also girls you can slow down. That is when it's not bad you just going to a and then you stop and do like a little circular thing like killing Randy on'em in the club.
Go slow fucking.
No I don't think that you're like being so fucking sexy when in your head you're just like alire to OK you literally ok.
This is good advice for the daddy game because I think they love the shit girls. We've always said when you're, when you are riding deck you don't have to be with your feet on the ground. You can do your knees. But then I think you kind of see a man's soul leave his body the minute I always will like get up and put my feet on the bed and I go in the squat position. A man is like, holy fuck.
Oh, you awkward like a frog. Yes. But I also know, like know my pussy is right in his face and like my tits are here and like let's just roll with it. Yeah. I think you got to just not think about what you look like because what I know is when I watch as I get in that position, I always watch the man's face because every fucking time he's like, Jesus fucking Christ. It's funny when you feel insecure about yourself.
Yeah. Get your head out of your own shit, because that's how you look at his shit. It is telling you everything, every thing. You can ruin it for yourself, literally. I don't think myself have anal make you look at him and he his eyes are in the back of his head. He can't even think straight. So but Daddy and I recently I guess it depends like if I'm being a little lazier, what I have done and I do think it's almost just as hot is I keep one knee on the mattress and then I put my my left leg.
Usually I don't know how it's my left, but my left leg. And I put that like it's about to get in the squat position. And then I will kind of lean backwards a tiny bit and like put my hand in between his legs and lean back and go up and down. Or then you can lean forward and take your hand eddying and put it on his like, chest, stomach and use it almost like you're pushing up off his chest to go up and down on his dick.
This recently, it's been something I've discovered and it's been working. Amazing, amazing tip. Guys, write that down, write it down, because it also saves your legs. And if you want, you could kind of almost switch them out. Maybe you guys don't go to the fucking gym, okay? Neither go on his dick and do one knee down, one leg up. Youmans switch if you get sore. Yeah, exactly. And then and just like rub your clit while you're doing a transition.
So when in doubt, just rub your clit. Even if you fucking trip over yourself and you're on the floor, rub your clit fucking. He's like oh man that's so hot. Like literally so hot. OK, rub the clit when in doubt. Rub the clay. No that's honestly kind of the best advice I think.
When will a guy like your wife, you know, when in doubt rub the clay, he's gonna be like, oh wow, this is really hot. Like you forget to take him back because you're fucking his friend. Just let everybody rub you do that is actually really good.
Do you have a type I skin? My type is like athletic, great sense of humor, but I'm trying to figure out do I want the party boy or the mute guy because I'm either the one you like. I'll have a conversation then. I'm like with that.
Good, because I crushed that conversation because I just got myself so much. I was having the time of my life. He didn't get a word in, but I honestly such a good time. I had a great time.
Or is it I don't like the party guy who is kind of like me and we've the same personality, but we step on each other's light, they say in relationships. Now we're getting to metaphors. Look, there should be a gardener and a flower.
What the fuck? Listen to go out, bitch. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I love this shit. OK, you read this from yours. I guess I, I, I don't know where I read it. Definitely wasn't anywhere legit. OK, let's go with it. So these are facts.
So the gardener is the one who's like holy shit down, who's calming who. And then the flower is us who's like shooting up blooming, doing crazy shit. And the gardener loves being the gardener and the flower needs the gardener and the gardener needs the flower. It's also O.Z. I actually broke up with one of my exes who I've been referring to, who had some fame, says watching a Dr. Dre documentary. Who's Dr. Dre is like. Epic, successful, killing the rap game, killing production, whatever is everything.
So his wife goes on and she goes, I'm the rock and he's the balloon. And she's like, and that's how this functions. Like. She's like, he would be nothing without me because I. Hold on, hold on, hold down. And I'm watching and I go, I'm not a fucking rock.
I am not a fucking pebble. No, I am air balloon up in this motherfucker and I am out and about. And he is to try to keep her rolling the rope in like literally really fucking an air balloon with helium going fucking everywhere too.
Yeah. OK. I have so many thoughts right now. OK. First and foremost about the rock comment. And I think we're both saying where the balloon and we need a man that's a rock. Yeah. The web though, I think when my mother told me she knew that door man door number three was the man when he met my parents. He's the one of the first guys. I only met my parents and I was so terrified for them to meet him.
It was like a family Christmas party thing. And we are leaving. And my mom's a psychologist who should this bitch is reads people like a fucking book.
And we're leaving. We're gonna go to like a bar after dinner. And I guess he was talking to her and she later told me she was like, Alex, he's the one. And I'm like, Okay, Mom, no fucking pressure, by the way, broke up with him because he told me he loved me and she like, what the fuck? But my mom was like I knew he was the one. And to this day, this is like five years later still says it because she was like I looked at him and I said, what are you guys gonna do?
And he looked at my mom and was like, Mrs. Cooper, it's her show. I'm just live in it and put in the most like, supportive like us. That that bitch, you know, and he kind of. Yeah, she's like I she was ready. Yeah. Do it. Yes. And this man is big in his own right.
And my mom was like, Alex, you are not going to find a lot of men that are so confident themselves that can be like, I love that bitch, let that bitch go.
And I'm right because that's how your family is like my family is like, yeah, Hannah's fucking crazy. Yes. It's her show we're living and we support her whatever. We have our own lives. But like, that's our Hannah. That's a crazy idea. Alex Yeah. That's. I don't want a guy to. That's also it's hard when, like, this is my thing.
Are you afraid that this guy's the one? And because you're like taking your time that like he'll meet someone or you'll meet someone like, are you afraid you'll lose each other or do you think that your energies are meant for each other? And regardless of whatever fucked up shit happens, you will connect. Putting me on the spot, she told me she wanted to ask her some questions. She's regretting. Well, I think that in my life right now, I I am not at all concerned about him meeting another me.
No one will ever fucking be what I am to him. I already fucking know it.
I just felt I was kind of hot. I know. I know. It's I know it's like very aggressive in like being like that. Caller, why are you scared to throw your life together. Because I'm too like I'm too young and he has his career. Girl, you're going to blink and you're gonna be thirty two.
I know. And listen, you're like a child bride. You guys show up like, no, I really know you're right. You know that once you start it. I understand that. And we both have said that like he's like, listen, now I'm not ready either. You're not ready. So if you're dating him, you might.
I hate this girls. Whatever you whatever you do, do. Never let a guy distract you. So like, you might have not been on the come up with this podcast, if you would like Lanting Netflix and me leave. And I know I agree with last time you were in love.
Oh my God. Have you ever been in.
Alex I've been numb for like two years cause I dated this like guy who really fucked you out, fucks me up, which I think was so helpful because after that happened, I had to, like, build myself up. Like, my body was telling me to get out like I couldn't eat. I and I girl, I always eat. When I was having, like, little heart palpitations, I got out and then I had to realize, Hannah, why did you end up with a guy like that?
Why did you want that? Why would you trying to overcompensate for why you. I always loved eating like hot successful guys to show off like I'm like a dude where I, like, want a little boy candy boy candy. That's me. I love Boykin. I'm in therapy for that right now. I know literally what you're describing right now. I'm like, that was one of my relationships. And I was like, how did I get into a relationship with a narcissist?
And they say, if you're a sensitive person, which is like I think we both are, that they latch on to you. And I think that once I realized that basically my only goal was to be myself again, and then instead of being like I would be a superstar, I want to marry this, all I want to do is wake up and not be depressed. Do that some deep shit. And once I just had that goal, like, shit started to align for me and then I got to call her daddy.
And, you know, it's like my life is a maze. I do know that isn't deep shit like you.
People talk about going through break ups in life. When you're in a relationship with someone that is a narcissist and like you get so fucked up running in circles trying to figure out how to make it work, why is it not working? How do I do?
And I started to question like, oh, I just have to be funny or I just have smart. I seem more successful. And then you start questioning, like, am I being myself? And I got to my own exciting spirals of like, am I sabotaging their you change your soul. So I got the fuck out. It took a couple months to get out of that dark place, the dark passenger or the under whatever underbelly of evil. So that's why I've been kind of numb where it's like I'm focusing on my career.
I'm just scared. It's like getting a car crash and getting in a car again. Yeah. So I. I do these like, six month things where they don't want to date them. Yeah. So it's like you never even throw it out there. Are we dating it just like naturally you keep seeing them and then it's like six months and then I get bored and then it's over. But also I don't like random fucking I don't need to be dating you, but I want to know that you have emotion for me and you like me because I semi randomly fuck the lacrosse player.
I got chlamydia.
See, that's the kind of shit we don't need around here. We don't need it. I can handle it. Just a pill. But like, we don't need it. We don't need chlamydia. When I the first time I got chlamydia, I was actually the first. Everyone gets it, by the way, we're normalizing chlamydia. So it was literally it was the first time I ever, like, kind of fucked a random dude in college. He was this he didn't go to my college who was older.
And I was like, fuck it. Like, I want to be adventurous. I'm gonna go fuck him. So I fucked him. And then I went to hook up with door number three and I went and got tested and I had chlamydia and I knew door number three did not give it to me. And I realized it was the skanky ass fucking loser that I fucked in Boston. And then I blamed it on door number three. And he was like, Okay, I'm so sorry.
And you gave me fucking chlamydia. Meanwhile, I knew I gave him chlamydia. So I always turn around on them. Never admit to giving someone chlamydia by when I got it. Hello. So bad with Koven. So. Oh my God. Stop giving me cover like I. You literally gave it to me. I've been quarantined by myself. What the fuck.
So but when you get chlamydia it's fine. Guys, do you take a pill. Everyone gets on. Everyone gets it totally fine. No, but you don't worry. He's been use a condom but condom sex suck. So find a guy that fuck. I'm going to get cut off the air. My mom's like, why can't you tell people to use condoms, Alex?
And I'm like, it. I can't it won't come out of my mouth that me down and was like, how do you use condoms? And I was like, What you want me to say?
Do you want me to tell you how you want to hear this? He goes, Hannah, if you're not waiting to have sex or marriage, obviously some maybe like wait to get exclusive with the condom, like use the condom against the. Oh. And I was like, that's genius. If I had self-control. It it's it's so bad. And an. Listen, I'm going to give one condom piece of advice. Hey, I got your guy did to me recently was so fucking high.
OK, so you know, the moment there's like, should we use a condom? Everything. It's awkward. You don't know how to put a condom on to like. I hope it doesn't ask me. Right. And then, like, I don't even know what to think. Does he like to even want to do this? I didn't like his degli. Why do I look good? I have to fight. I mean, to feel rubbery in there.
Yeah. I don't like it. But then this guy literally like, took my hips, put my face. I mean, I put my put my vagina on his face like I sat on his face and was like riding him while he took both his hands and was putting the condom on while I'm writing his face. Isn't this second like I got like really what he just put me on the condom and it was like the hottest, smoothest.
Not at all. Man, you need to do that. Does that not put the awkward leg? Would you like to move?
No, literally. I mean, it's like here I go.
I'm gonna get fucked by a dolphin. Like, it's so rubbery and it's gross. Do you fuck with Tupperware? Really. Really.
That's actually kind of amazing because I feel like that would make my vagina less dry if I saw it. I didn't see the condom cross. That's why I always come before sex. I'm like, do you want me to be wet? And it feel so good. Oh, okay. We don't you come.
Is that can you quickly describe your sex life to us. Like what are you like. What I do. Yeah. Okay.
So I like to time up. Fuck you. Sit there bitch. Watch me twirl on your day. I like to kiss and then I love you. I love to kiss. Making out is so under. I like to tease a little. I like to. I'm bossy. I like, I like to be like not annoying bossy. Just like who is the fact. Yeah. You don't know what's going on. I'll tell you how to work my body.
Right. And then I like being fingered I think fingering 20-20. I love it so much I don't guys finger more because it's harder maybe.
But like I wish you would if you're listening out there. Anyone finger me. Yeah. I think people so much. I love that everyone wants guys to go down there now, but a lot of girls like need like it's more stimulation when it's like the finger especially we don't what you're doing with your time too. And also any guy that's like you just do the ABC d of jeez, that's not how you know Grocott going down in her. Stop it.
We stop doing that please. Like I actually feel when you're going to see I'm like, oh, here comes the D and I'm like, Jesus Christ, he really oh he just skipped f literally.
Somebody did ever tell you to do the alphabet do right. You can tell when guys are in their heads down there. I'm like it's just I would rather you go down there. Not so bad as empathic people like me.
You know, I can sense when you're stressed and like but I don't want him watching my face always fingering.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Like, I don't want this to please look away, look away.
So sometimes I'll just, like, put my hand over my mouth because of I'm so turned OK. Yeah. Or if you I guess you could like make out or like throw your head back. What I like is I like him to then like kind of suck on my left nipple. I left on his nice sensitive. Oh. So like I directed into the little guys like that. Yeah. They like, I like me like this is how my body works.
Like just my left one turns me on, they're like oh and then I'll like test them later and they feel like accomplish. It's a little things. Men are simple. Wow. That's really interesting that you tell them a specific nipple. Yeah. One of them is just way more sensitive. So big sucking on the nipple, fingering me. That's good. And if I can get it right then I have trust and then after that then I go go inside me.
And so it's like I literally go the second I come like then go inside me. That MDX commercial.
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Can I tell you my former professional athlete story. My God. Yeah. This is my daddy gangster like guy. Second you asked me, I was like, OK, how do we got babies excited. Let's go. OK, let's go.
So he's a former I like former football players because they're not traveling anymore. They're not like as cool as they were. They have their money and they lost a shit ton of weight because they're not eating like tons of calories slimmed down football. Okay, I've I really rarely ever hook up with football players.
I highly recommend a tight end here. Tight end. I'll write that down. Tight ends are great. Peanut and my notes. So this guy, he had like light blue eyes like six six. Check, check. Now, I miss a lot of red flags when a guy is tall and we're going to go through what I missed and then what happened because of it. Okay, so buckle up. We're buckle up, gang.
We're back. Let's go, everybody. Let's go. Buckle in. Will go first. The back and forth is very quick. How did you meet him? Penge got it. So like two messages and he's like, it's football Sunday. Let's watch football at a bar. So when they don't take a while to like LSU, your personality, that means they don't care right at all. So but I was like, he's tall. Yes. Let's go.
Let's go. So we get we go to the place and it's like kind of a little too nice. And there's like no one there. But my stuck up ass is like, oh, he thought of a nice place to sure. Like me. Usui, if you want to sit down with me, that's why I like it. No, it's literally right by his apartment. Oh.
So you know, like baby you're so spoiling me. He's like I just wanted to do this right enough to put on my good shoot slippers I'm wearing. I got out of bed, rolled out of bed trying to get my not but shut up. Okay, keep going.
So we're sitting there and it starts off where I notice he kind of laughed a little too long, you know, when, like, the left's done and they keep laughing at you, like you have to start another love, right?
You're like, whoa, oh, what are you doing? And you just watch him laugh at you and you're like, yeah, you're like a kid. All that funny. Funny.
Back on his op then he was like bragging about how his parents had two tennis courts in the Hamptons. And I was like, no one needs two tennis courts. It's fucking weird. And I'm and I'm you. That's weird. Then he asked me if I party. He just said, do you part. He goes to party and I like kind of an idiot, like as a former athlete, like I didn't do drugs. Right. I don't know about you, but like, I can't do cocaine or I'll get my brains out.
No. Yeah. So I had never done I had like, smoked weed in high school and then in college I literally couldn't do drugs, so I would just drink alcohol. And then for the first time I averaged cocaine. I got out of college because I was like, oh my God. And I even told my parents, I'm like, Mom, dad, I want to do cocaine. At one point in my life, they're like, Oh, okay, Alex, it's really good that you're telling us that.
And I did it. And I was like, I'm such a hyperactive person. Like, I don't even need it, so I don't really do it no good. Yeah. Unless sometimes it's there. And then one time I did accidently do it. It was ketamine. It was like the worse situation my entire life. I'll tell you guys that story another time.
Another time, another time here on the K stories. Okay. Keep going.
So so he's I basically was like not really like I, I drink alcohol but I'm not really into drugs. And he goes, you know, I used to be but now I'm good.
And I was like, OK anyway and you tell me that good chat.
He's like, I'm good. So he's hot enough that if I if a get dates going well I have a friend who works at Brother Jimmy's OK. It's like a it's like a Freddy bar. OK, but she's bartending so I like it. If it's going we'll be like let's go to another spot and then she'll give us drinks and she'll tell me if I should like him or not. So John, I want to do that next time I like what I do, we'll be like or she'll be like, yeah, we.
That's so fun. OK love.
OK, when is there with you. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go when things are.
Okay so. Sighs So I was like let's go. And he goes wait one sec. I need a charge my so wear it. Red flag number seventeen artist.
Paul you're like falling. I would fall off the chair backflip. I'm like oh my God I'm so sorry. But I think that my grandma just died and he's like, I'm pretty sure it's on your Instagram. Your grandma is already dead at my goodness, she should die again.
I gotta go back. What Jewel came back to haunt me. Just fucking do you. But again, he's like, gorgeous.
So like whatever athletes I'm like really pretending you didn't hear that. He's a jewel. Yeah. So he goes it's gonna apparently go whereas it and he goes oh it's, it's on this block and I go oh my God, I'm so stupid.
Like it's all making sense, so making sense.
So we go upstairs and he has exposed Brick and if you know me you know that if you've exposed Brick I will fuck you. You're ready to find ready to fuck your little naked. He turns around but he's naked. Hello. Alexander the exposed brick. I mean, they get naked. That means an expose my labia lips. Right.
Let's go back on the bread.
Then he went in for the kiss but he did it in this fuck boyish way where he don't make eye contact before I go fund the kisses like make I can die a little like Wilson like ninety ten thing.
I don't know, there's a gag rule. Yeah but then he picked me up.
Oh fuck. And he's tall and he's my lady and I know I felt like a little dainty flower. Oh my God. Relate do that. I love being picked up because you can tell sometimes when a guy picks you up, but he can't handle it and you're like, I know I'm not fat, but like, I feel as though I, you know, already I'm Sturgell, literally. And then you want to be like you want to give him the outback, you know, you can put me down.
But when the man can pick you up and you literally feel like you're his tote bag, you're like, this fits right? I'm like, his keychain, his. And he tosses me on the couch and he continues kissing me. And then he pulls up my shirt and he goes, Hold on one second. And this is like Sunday at eight p.m. like football Sunday walks away, comes back, lowers his head and snorts a line of cocaine off my head.
Alex, this is Sunday at 8:00. This is Shark Tank watching time. Like I want to see Mr. Wonderful tell some twelve year old that her granola recipes, shit like this that I want to do, I'm standing.
I don't need to it snorting cocaine off my tit. After telling me it was a party party. So I immediately like you.
I chose to kiss mama. I'm not I'm not trying to do that. So immediately we're like, what just happened? Then he goes, Oh, I just want you so bad. I just want to dominate. That's disgusting. And she starts turning. And then he goes, I want to show you something.
So this becomes a horror movie shit where you're like, don't walk to walk towards it. You're like going to die. And I'm like, he's tall. Let's go. So I'm following him into this clinic, biting my nails during the story.
I'm like, nervous for Yoho's out a box full of, like, chains, whips, sock handcock. And he's like, this is where I'm gonna do it.
No, you and I go check fucking please. Get the fuck out. And they I'm like, you know what, I, I my grandma died again. No, I was dead wrong too.
It's crazy. She keeps going back to the whole situation going on. I don't know why they keep bringing back to life now. What the what the fuck did you. So I just I'm. This is hard when you're like a sarcastic person to suddenly go serious. But this was like, you know what I need see, my friend, I'm so sorry. I got to go. And I, I left. And it's one of those things where you're like, I really hope this guy doesn't text me like I hope that he's not.
How weird could he get literally? And some people might have been into that. So I'm not saying he was like a psycho, but like I wasn't giving him vibe. No. And you had never hung out before. And he had literally told you he doesn't party and that all of a sudden he's doing a line off your tits and then you're kind of like, so are you a compulsive liar? Or like, why the fucker? And especially it would bit of one thing if you had been like, yeah, I party because maybe he would have gotten the vibe.
Artforum in a party with this girl, you said you don't lose like I dunno what in his brain, his fucked up brain. It is called professional athlete, CTE brain, you know, literally cause you know how many girls he brings there. And then they're just like he's a professional athlete. Do it or the fuck. You know, I literally changed it to me. He's like doing that to me. And I'm like, I can't be tortured by you tonight.
No, no, not end of story. Oh, fuck. Next day it's Monday. I go to the office back in those days and I turn on my computer nine a.m. and I got a text from him, fuck. And I open it up and it's a porn Web site. And this guy clearly has no idea of, like, accurate things to do at the right time. So I'm immediately looking around. I believe I'm like, what the fuck?
Ten minutes later, he text me again. He goes, sorry, wrong person. Wait. No, no. This is someone that's just like literally mentally like not there.
No, no, we. I.
I'm I'm trying to think of what I would have done in a situation like maybe posted it on my Instagram story because I'm like someone just live in this with me, like live in this nightmare. What is wrong? No. That is why I don't date football players, because I'm like their brain damage. And I mean, I know that's so mean. He's definitely brain damaged. I'm sorry. And I want to just raise awareness that all these girls really I want to fuck a professional.
Right. Maybe you want a beer on downstairs and some of them aren't even that good. The bad.
So, like, so it kind of like, what are we doing here? That's the worst.
When you really so excited, fuck him and then you're like, who let you do this? No. Why are you so bad at fucking. No. Literally some of them I'm like. Cause these good looking guys are these professional guys. Never had a girl. Look at them. Go, honey. Honey, you're doing it wrong. I didn't come. That's why maybe some of these, like, finance pros unhinge. We can consider. Dude, I'm not kidding you like with below average.
I agree with you. I just need to, like, wrap my brain around that. It's going to take me a minute. But you're going to end with three three anyway, so. OK, have fun in the meantime. Right. And do shit for the story. That's what I was thinking. Just really put my vagina out there for the podcast. Stay up in the charts. That's just seems really normal to me. But I think that your experience that is you've been speechless.
No, I have I. Have we gone too long? I don't know. What time is it? It's four thirty. We killed it. Hannah, any last words?
I thank you so much for coming on. I literally I'm so happy. I feel like this went by in a second to two. I feel like we could keep talking for our nose. But maybe you'll date this 44 year old man. Maybe he proposed. Do your parents know? Yeah. Today my dad just jokes. He's like, have you checked his blood pressure? Like, what do you do with his wheelchair or conk out?
You gotta just keep an eye on him and his curfew, your toys to play with all playground ground. Because how much older than twenty.
For 16. OK. All right. I actually think that's a good age. That's good. And they're like, you might die early. And I'm like, well, I'll be an independent owner of his estate. And we love that. I take all of his fucking money, everything he's worth. Take it. Yeah. Hannah, I love you. I love you. Everyone go listen to her podcast. Plug yourself. What's your Instagram? My Instagram is being burned.
B.i.g., B-R, NZ. And then. And then that's Twitter, too, then burning. And how's my mental health comedy podcast? I'd love to have Alex on. I definitely need to. There's a lot more we have to delve into. Oh yeah. And watch Summer House on Bravo dude. I'm not kidding you like it's addicting, guys. I've been shit like I went through all the quarantine and did all four seasons, five seasons, four more four seasons.
And it's fucking amazing. It's really good. Thank you so much, Father. Love you guys.
And a last word from your father. Daddy going to haul the silent sufferers. Go fuck yourselves. There will be no questions.
No. No, not.
Not fucking happening this week, guys. There's no questions of the week this week because we ran out of time. But Hannah actually stayed in the studio and I convinced her to do questions of the week with me. So I will be giving you our answers to a bunch of your questions at the end of next week's episode. So silence suffers. You can relax, take a deep breath, but I will be coming for you next fucking week. I also have a shit ton of updates coming your fucking way.
I have a little surprise. I'm going on a little trip and there's a lot happening. So stay tuned for next week. Daddy gang is getting fucking wild. It's always fucking wild here. I love you guys. You know the fucking drill. I will see you fuckers next.