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Mother fucking gang it is Alex Cooper.
Got it again for another episode of Call her Daddy.
Daddy going. Are you listening to me? I'm you guys are so fucking happy. We have a guest this week. It's not just going to be me talking the whole time. I know you guys like. So, Alex, we love you, but please stop talking. No, we have a guest this week. She is hot. She is sexual. I literally before this asked her how she wants me to introduce her and she's like, you know, like five seven.
And I was like, perfect pussy. And she's like, perfect pussy. I'm guys introducing Hannah Burner.
I am so honored to be here. Your father and I just want to say, you doing your solo episodes like I hate hearing myself talk for too much of the fact that you can tolerate yourself for more than an hour is amazing. It's really you know, I can't tolerate it, but I have a job to do.
And you hear yourself laugh like, did you ever hear yourself laugh in the background of an entire story?
And you're just like, who let me exist on this planet? So imagine everyone listening, doing that for an hour and then I edit my own show. So I'm like, bitch, you are so not fucking funny. Shut the fuck up.
Don't you wish you could edit yourself in person, like after an awkward date or an awkward interaction where like you say, I like you two to the waiter when he says enjoy your food, like edit that shit out what we can in a podcast, which is brilliant.
So, Hannah, thank you so much for coming on today. I'm so honored.
We OK, so how I found out about you is when I was talking to my disgusting ex-boyfriend, he was disgusting. You know, sometimes we make decisions in life and we regret it to this day. That's one of them anyways. So I was talking to my ex and he was like, I'm watching this show. And I'm like, tell me what shows we can bond, you know, quarantine. You need things to talk about when he's like, you're going to laugh.
But I'm watching a reality show and I'm like, OK, what's the reality show? And he says, Summer house. Now, listen, I watch the Kardashians. I watch some of these big shows, and sometimes I'm not going to lie. I'm a little stingy with, like, what shows I pick and watch. So when I heard summerhouse, I'm like, I've never heard of it, but I have. But I'm not sure I watched it obsessed, literally binge watched the whole fucking what are they, four seasons, five seasons, everything.
I know everyone's drama and everything. So thank you for coming on and hanging out.
Thank you. Summerhouse is a drunken psych ward and I feel like that's also what goes on within your brain. So you just felt at home watching it.
It's literally me on a reality show. I'm like, oh, all I do is like try to fuck dudes and then pee in hot tubs. And that's my aesthetic. I like bloat and crop top.
Dude, I was going to say the fact that you're on and guys, we're going to talk about the reality show the whole time. But the fact that you are on a reality show, I want to just quickly address like Hannah is, there's a scene where you are full blown, like moaning at the top of your lungs.
And although they're not showing you having sex, we're hearing the sound effects. We see all of the people that live in the house with you like, whoa, what is that noise and what is coming out of that bedroom? Like, what does that man doing to Hannah? How do your parents feel about it? So my parents, they are angels.
They just want me to be happy and they want me to get fucked. This is at the point where they're just I don't know. So I watch you with my mom and my dad and the scene goes on.
I just start going, wow. Oh. And my dad's like, I'm trying to watch what you do. I'm trying to watch. And I'm like, Dad, this will change you for life. If you hear this, like, Dad, I'm getting eaten out. So, like, let's just address the elephant in the room. Pussy, I eaten. You don't want to hear it, but I.
I want women to embrace their like, enjoying things like we're always caretakers, like make sure he feels good. I want to be like I give credit where credit's deserved.
If your tongue is in the right and the right like that, then I'm going to make noises. I will make sure you know, I fucking like it here. No thank you.
And I respect you for that because I think I mean, was it weird getting on a reality show, like convincing yourself to be OK with cameras like filming you, making out with guys? It's so funny because when I was in the process of, like, interviewing, I was like, I'm not your hot mess, you know, I am like, I'm determined, I'm sporty, I'm independent. And then fast forward.
I'm like, I'm your fucking hot mess, but I'm having a good time. No, literally on the show, Hannah is just like fucked up. She's like hooking up with these guys. She's living her best life. You really were like one of my favorites, because I think although I do like some of the psycho ones that, like, I secretly hate, but you're one that I like so that you're that's why you're here on the show. Thank you.
So Hannah and I have a little connection. We have something in common.
Hannah was also a Division One athlete, and I just want to quickly talk about it, not unlike the boring way, but like I want to talk about it because. In the past, don't call her daddy, and it was totally understandable, but my old co-host obviously had no idea, even like sports were, and we always joked about it. But I think a lot of people look at me and they're like, so you say you play Division one soccer, but you never speak about it.
And so sorry, but we can't help but not believe that, like, you never fucking played soccer, bitch. Meanwhile, up until when I graduated, that was literally my identity. I was a soccer player. I spent my entire life being a soccer player. So it's kind of nice to have someone here that gets it because you. What sport did you play? I was a tennis player.
Oh, we love means nothing. But what the fuck does that mean? I had zero in love with. Do you know anything about tennis. Oh my God. We those are the match point. They already love me. Mean zero. Look at us teaching each other little. OK, I like know about tennis but I don't like know about tennis. Tennis is like a good vibe to when things come down, like we'll go to the U.S. Open together and like put on a look, put on a lot like a better fit get.
But the only problem is you can't talk and me and you will get kicked out because we'll start like talking and drinking. Yes. OK, so I don't think like tennis player guys are hot, they're so hot. But a lot of them. Yeah, they're all above six feet. Not too tall though, but they're kind of narcissistic because it's all about them, like they're not a team.
So and I feel like I always pick Narcissus anyway. Do they make a lot of money. They can, but only like the top one. Right. I know Dederer and Nadal. Yes, I know those two. Yeah. Yep, yes. Those two, they both are married with children. OK, so you never know, maybe they're into that. So if you want to fuck a professional athlete you have to understand the sport a little bit.
So you know what the money coming in is like. For example, tennis. He's thrown to the world, not making money, not making money. Same with golf. Three hundred in the three hundredth best doctors doing great. Not with sport. So, girls, do your research, do your research like lacrosse. You're not making money and the sex is not consensual.
No, no, dude. Lacrosse players are straight up like dirty, disgusting danz. But also like you have no career, you're making no money. And they're also all a lot of them are under six feet. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Maybe because they're more sturdy at the ground, they hit each other.
Shit. You know what? Let me say something. In college, I will give it to the lacrosse team, like at Boston.
They were kind of the guys that a lot of us started to hang out with because they don't take the sport as they're more normal. Yeah, yeah. So they can party finance pros. Boom. Thank you. OK, now let's talk about ourselves. How about that? We're like, OK, let's talk about this sport now. OK, so Hannah, you played Division one. I played Division one, I think that you grow into a specific like daddy gang, like I know that I sound like a psycho crazy sexual being, but for a majority of my life, I could not do certain things because, oh, my God, the scholarship's on the line.
And then once you get to college, you can't post certain shit that normal college people can post because you're fucking coach is watching your every move. They use the scholarship to scare the shit out of you, scare the shit you like. If you're late to practice, you lose your scholarship. And all of us are parents. Invest in us right here. Right. So you're like, I don't want to lose my scholarship because I got hung over and slept too long.
So our thing was we train all week and then we'd have matches. On the weekend and Sunday nights, us and the hockey guys would go to the KKK. I went to Wisconsin, go badgers. Oh, my God. My dad went to Wisconsin playing hockey there. Yeah, small world. Small world. And hockey is fucking huge. You I didn't know shit about hockey, but my mom said to stay away from them.
She said they have no teeth and kids and they're all older than you. We I love all of those things. I love no teeth. I love SCD. Those are things that you love. No teeth. I don't know. It just means that they're a bad ass and like I don't know. The one of the guys that I was talking to had like fake teeth, veneers and they like looked great. But I was like, I kind of love the idea that they're so like they're constantly in fights and they're just like rough around the edges.
I do like a guy who looks like he could take a punch that turns around. If your nose is prettier than mine, we're going to have issues. We're going to have issues because you're going to make me feel self-conscious. And I don't love to feel that way. I want you to be like a little less attractive than me. I love being the funnier one and then, like, have models. OK, we.
Have you ever sorry, guys, we're all over the place, but we're going to have you ever dated models? So I was seeing a model on summerhouse, but he was half model, half athlete. He was like a hockey guy too.
So was a terrible combination. Oh, most models in New York City. Yeah. They love themselves. They I don't like guys who take long to do their hair shoot. And I don't mean to be like not masculine enough. No, but models. I want them to prioritize like living life.
And a lot of these models are like doing abs in the morning down in Calgary. I have to be honest, every single time I'm on Rhia, I used to talk about it. I have.
Are we allowed to we're going to be kicked off if we talk about. Right. No, you just can't talk about who's on there. OK, got it. So I love how you know that I oh, trust me, I've done my research because I like my fucking show. Dude, I'm not going be able to date anyone at some point. Like people are like, no, we know you're talking about us on your show.
So every time I go on Rhia Daddy gang, let us know if you feel the same. But for me personally, every single time I see a model, I press X. He can be the most gorgeous model in the world. Yeah, I know. I just know in my soul I will never date a model. I know that sounds superficial of me. Well, I guess that.
No, that's not too perfect. Wait, no, that's not Onkalo thing we ever say in your life are not growing, really growing, thriving.
I want I don't want him. Not because of the way he looks.
I'm sorry I'm being an asshole, but like I think that they have like, no substance. If they if you're a man and you're a model, you're so in love with yourself. And I don't I'm sorry, but I'm not attracted to a guy that takes pictures for a living that's so fucking asshole. But sorry, this is a thing. Hot guy models are the same as hot girls. They're fucking crazy. And they've been treated differently their whole life because of their look.
Thank you. So like this model I was seeing, he would like say a stupid joke and the waiter would like, lose his damn mind, like he was a fucking stand up comedian. And I looked at him. I was like, you know, that that would be creepy if you were ugly.
And he's like, no, no, it's not like they do the most stupid shit. And people are just like, really amazing. Yeah. Like, no bitch.
People have not been treated by society like society. Never told them to shut up, never told them is stupid. And like one thing I learned early on, I had this like older teammate who was fucking with the hockey guys. He was so beautiful and hot. But one of the guys who was on the Rangers and he just left I love namedropping. Oh yeah. His name is who was the captain of the Rangers like two years ago. He was so hot.
Um, brown hair.
Oh that was that hair and hot. Where did he go. He he went to Wisconsin then he was on the Rangers. Right.
McDonough Why do I not know that personally. So super well back off. So I was at the bar and I'm a freshman and he was the captain of a team was like big deal. And he like came up to me to talk to me. And I looked at him and I go, Are you the captain of the hockey team? And my friend just grabbed me by the shirt, pulled me aside and goes, Don't you ever, ever, ever get the fucking satisfaction that you look up to them?
They are nothing do. And from that day forward, your friend is Gina. She changed the game for me and like that, treating men like shit, but like it's not the bachelor. We're not trying to earn them to get their bullshit. No, let them get your fucking attention. Think the fact that your friend. I would have been that friend because I swear to God, I remember when I was 18. I didn't know. You didn't know.
I remember my when I was going on my recruitment trip. Right. Before I went for my freshman year, I went and we were watching the women's ice hockey game and across the stadium, my upperclassmen that we're going to be my upperclassmen were like, guys, those are the hockey boys. You will literally, like, never speak to them, probably like they are literally like gods, like blessed earth. Don't ever hit him on the pedestal.
So I'm sitting there and I was a psycho in fucking high school. So I'm sitting there listening to these seniors say that to me. And I'm like, so I'm coming on to this campus. And if I do one fucking thing, it is going to make one of these hockey boys fall in love with me. I get on campus. I do just that. I infiltrate the fucking shit out of there, my classes, and I just love that word.
Infiltrate, infiltrate. Get the fuck in there. Enfold. Oh, my God. It makes me way. Yes, infiltrate. Infiltrating in their phone, in their heads everywhere.
So I start hanging out with all the hockey guys and all my upperclassmen are like, what the fuck is Cooper doing? Like how did she start talking to him? Don't try to manage you. I like to say I can't be managed. You tell me not to do something.
I will do it. Thank you. I was like, bitches, you just don't have confidence. Fucking walk up to them and say, hi, my name is fucking Alex, let's hang out. But the point is, what is the point? Those men on that campus, if you guys are in college or if you're out of college and we're talking about professional athletes, they get everything handed to them. Yeah, they get sex handed to them.
Know what Hannah said that that awful day at the bar or the night at the bar where you are you the captain? No, you don't even know he played you.
No idea who he is and you don't fucking care. Also, you're busy like you've places to go looking behind you. You're distracting. He's annoying. Yeah. He's he's literally either knowing something about him of anyone in the bar. Like you're just like, yes, I forgot his name, forget his name on purpose, like five minutes in just like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. So embarrassing. What's your name again. Yes. Do pull that shit.
It's not me. It's letting them know you're not on a pedestal.
You're not. I don't give a fuck. I want to ask you, did you have to worry about what you were posting on social media? Oh, yeah. So I got trouble once because I posted a Facebook profile pic that was so dope and I was like giving a middle finger.
I was like such a badass. Right. And I was nineteen. Just put in a finger up to the man and like the NCAA was like, you have to take that down. And I was like, can I just blur it? And they were like, just stopping a little bit. And I was like, fine, dude. That's what I hope people understand is like as great as it is to be an athlete in college, it's literally a fucking nightmare.
Yeah. And you basically your whole life is controlled. You're owned by that. You're owned like that. My biggest the hardest part of it was the first day of season. They give you a calendar that says every single day for the next ten months what you're going to do and as someone who like, hates bosses is being controlled. I felt like I was in a jail cell.
It's kind of terrifying. I, I remember like my soccer coach. Lots of stories there. One day daddy digging, but my soccer coach was like so up everyone's asses about social media. And I in high school was posting with all the red cups and people throwing up at high school parties like I was a degenerate. And so when I was in college, I remember getting a dime from barstool sports and they asked me if they could post my bikini picture for Sokcho of the day.
And back then that was like a big thing. Yeah. And I remember sitting in the cafeteria and being like, holy fuck. Like, do I tell them? Yes, I know my coach literally is going to be like, you're off the team Elmos. That's like not contract. No, no, no, no. So I lied. So technically they they have to get your permission to post it. Yeah. So I give them permission.
Barstool posts me as smoke show of the day.
I am up.
You have to do a throwback on somebody. Oh my God. Oh my God. I said it was literally a picture from the Dominican Republic up my ass like I'm pretty sure it was like so fucking like airbrushing it like looks bad now, but like back then it was hot apparently.
So they post it and I know immediately I'm fucked. It was started to spread like wildfire and all of a sudden my DM's that was the beginning of the professional athlete saga because my DBMS it was insanity. So I'm on it for less than 24 hours and my coach calls me and I am shitting bricks. I'm like, this is it, this is it. She calls me scariest woman alive. She was like, Alex, I just heard what's on barstool sports.
Take it down now. I can't. And I'm like, so I don't own barstool sports, but let me get in contact with that guy, David Portnoy. So I'm going apeshit. Demming Dave Like, I'm like, I don't know who this is. Like I need you to take off my picture. Like I need to take off. Not porn though. It's not. It's just my asshole. Shut up. Looks great. Yeah.
So but I get in contact with guys who works at so now he takes it down less than twenty four hours. I got so many fucking followers and it became almost like a bigger story because I had to take it down because I was an athlete etc.. And after that picture controversy around you at all times. All time.
So anyway, so after that I started to connect with all the professional athletes in Boston and that situation in college was not normal.
When did you first realize, like, we these athletes are not healthy all the time? Oh, no one tells you that when you're younger.
That's a really good question. I think I. Think I always knew, like having I grew up with my dad working for the NHL and literally as I grew up, he was like, I know I'm raising you around all these professional athletes, but they actually fucking suck, Alex. And all I'm hearing is I love them. Dad, this is amazing. And what do you fuck everyone that's like, oh, you have a type. What do you expect?
When I was literally when I'm little, I'm going to the stadium for Christmas parties with my family skating on the ice with these fucking hockey players.
Can you skate? Yes, bitch. Yes, bitch. You do little twirl.
I was on a hockey team when I was younger, so like, why do you think I like fucking hockey players? Right.
So but I always knew and I think that from a young age, I just never even let myself think about them in a way. But it's also hard because your dad, the hockey player who met your mom, you so you're like, oh, hockey player.
But I'm like, look at daddy. He did it. No, Daddy, no. You should be able to do it. That's so fucked up. Yeah. Guys like our dad.
It's so true. Yeah. And my parents are the most in love. People like Little been married for over 30 years, like, oh my God.
But my dad's a dick and my mom's just like you find a guy. The second he met me he changed. I'm like, you're the exception to the rule. OK, you wonder why I can I tell you a theory I have?
Because now that you're in the club with our parents are still in Lebanon together, I think it almost fucks us up more because our standards are so high. Thank you. In today's all of my friends, their parents are divorced. I'm like, I'm I the only person that has parents that are still in love and together. When he was home, you know, literally I grew up in the most healthy, stable environment. Still flirt, literally. They are so in love.
Like my dad is so obsessed with my mom. It's like insane. And I'm like, so let me just tell you folks something. Fuck you. I always tell them this. I'm like, you guys suck because now, Dad, there are no men like you. So I'm looking at the two of you have this amazing relationship. I can't find that anymore, Dad. They all fucking cheat and they're disgusting. And a hundred percent rather be single then stuck in a relationship that makes me feel like crap, dude.
Same like the women that stay in relationships where they're getting cheated. I'm like, so how do you do that? How do you, in a constant day to day basis, know that he's fucking around and you just stay for what? For what? How much self-worth do you have? They say happiness. Like the the loneliest you could be, I guess is single. And then like the saddest you could be is in a bad relationship. So it's like the saddest you actually are is not when you're single, it's when you're in a bad relationship.
That's actually so fucking true because it's like you have it, you're supposed to have it supposed to be great. And it's fucking awful. Dude, I swear to God, if anyone's listening to this and you're in a toxic relationship, I know it's easier said than done, but get the fuck out commercial.
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So I preferred football guys and I like them big, like I was dating this six eight dude at Wisconsin, but it's funny to when you date you an athletes that they have so much high pressure. This guy also was definitely like his brain didn't work like you tell me he'd get hit and he would just see colors all the time and he won. It's OK, babe. I'm here for you. Your face is so symmetrical.
You look so cute, though. He texted me once.
He spelled the word isn't is I a.. And I was like, did you know it's not how it's spelled? And he's like, I'm tired. And I go, You don't add a letter now.
You don't write a letter. No, no, no. Do they're so, so meaty and hot though.
And the problem with eating to you in athletes is like he was on TV every weekend, like on ESPN. So you'd watch the game and you just be like, please don't be the one that loses the game for us because I'll be like too much on me. Yeah. As a girlfriend. And then, like, then then they don't want to come back and party and like, it ruins your whole week. Dude, my mom to this day is like, can you stop dating athletes?
Because I will watch him pitching. I will watch him in the game fucking skating around on the ice. And I'm sitting there and my Saturday night depends on if this motherfucker is going to be in a good mood after this game. And I'm literally like screaming at the TV, like, don't fuck up, you fucking loser. And every time it goes wrong, I swear to God I am bad with his bullshit actor girlfriend calling his dad don't talk to him anymore is pissed at you.
He hates you. You're not going to party do you? Not a fucking times. I will watch that motherfucker pitching or skating or doing whatever the fuck he's doing. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, so he just lost the game. And I swear to God, I'm a black cloud along athletes like I swear to God, I can't believe I'm even speaking into existence. I try to hide it. Every fucking athlete that I date something, they get injured.
Something happens to them. I swear to God, I'm bad luck for them. But I'm going to cut that out because I need to keep them coming back.
But it's the truth. It's the truth. It's just these are things I'm trying to open people's minds who really want to do this. I but this is the problem, Alex.
OK, are you ready? Yes. You are playing the game so hard that you don't even know if you actually like him. Yes. Thank you. So I realize that I've dated guys up like this one guy I was dating who had fame seven months in after I'd won him over. When I met his parents, I literally looked in the mirror one day and I go. You hate him. There's not one part of him, and that's why I started doing the stand up routine that was like, do I actually like him or does he just wear his hat backwards?
Oh, my God, I'm going to come up with one now. OK, OK, well, I would my go to is do I really like him or does his Google networth say that it's like above five million and I'm like, fuck me, but I'm sorry.
It's kind of fucking cute when you see the millions and you're like, hey baby, like, I'm sorry I had the time. I don't even make these guys buy me shit, but I just like, all right, sue me.
And then there's a little things like, do I like him or do I just like when he clenches his jaw and it makes that little muscle movement in the back of his cheek, he'll keep going.
Wait, that's such a good one. Oh, my God. When they have, like, nice bone structure and I have a terrible rule, the amount of inches a guy is above six feet is the amount of money. I'll stay with him after discovering he's a human being and.
Oh wait, I sec we I know I'm fucked up, but you you're like three, six, eight with eight months. According to my calculation, we have eight months. That should be good to go that I'll fucking be dumb because I can tell a guy's height from across the room. Oh yeah. And you just come up to me like I'm six three and I'm like a half pipe.
It's not going to be hard to stop. Let me get on my tape measure. I'm be starting this with lies because that's all I hear. Fuck you. But my one of my wildest nights for D1 tennis, I'm at a D1 school because you probably have some wild night. Yeah. One was I had a disappointment like, you know, those nights when you go out and you already have a disappointment.
Oh, my God, it's great. So I was fucking these big football dudes and I, I just wasn't having fun anymore. And I said, I need to fuck the next thing closest to an athlete, benign athlete. And that's the mascot. I thought, your name is Bucky Badger and he has fucking swag, I don't appreciate you right now. I thought you were gonna say a Nazi. I thought you were to say, God, you're like, so I'm fucking the mascot for you.
Sorry, what? He's a badger and he's fucking adorable. No, I think that's the lowest of the low. He wears a mascot jump. People love Bucky. You know why people go nuts for what is Bucky? What is the mascot is a biker. Bu it's a terrier to fucking dog. OK, well mine was badgers like the African honey badger is the most scary animal in the world. Oh right. I read that on YouTube. Oh Swit.
You can read that on YouTube. Yes. Yes you can read off some of that. But I'm an idiot. I mean OK so you start fucking the mascot. I'm going to try not to judge. Keep going.
Once he was like can I fuck you with the mascot. No he did. And I was like, oh I can't. But you're like, no.
He asked me.
So is he into like furries, you know, people like dress up and like want to like wear that kind of shit to actually fuck do you think. But it's one of those things. Sometimes guys do it just to tell their friends. That doesn't turn me on.
Right. Right. I'm like, if this is your story bro, like go fucking stupid, Stacey. That's like a fucking done twined.
It's not a good story for me. I don't want to I don't know that person. I know. I am sorry, but I don't think you want to be like I got fucked by the mascot and he wore his fucking hat. I don't think so. I don't think that's a good nightmares for the rest of my life. Like huge teddy bears trying to fucking, like, come inside me. That's really a nightmare. OK, so I had his disappointment and I love going out.
And you've no stress of trying to find a guy like he's like afterwards hit me up.
So then I went to this party and I see again, probably before he's not athlete, but he was like a manager on the basketball team.
Seems like a wannabe belgard.
OK, but he was he was older. His his name was Tucker Tucker.
Social Security number was like his Instagram business. Go check him out. Let me know if he was so hot. He was in my brother's frat and he was older and I always thought he was so hot and he had this like he just beeline towards me, OK, we're flirting and we're talking.
And I was like, wait, I want to fuck Tucker, not the mascot, the mascot.
And it's like the mascot or the basketball manager guy. Which one is worse? I don't know. Keep going. You don't know. We're in a dark place and we don't care. Yes, we talk staying positive. And he's like, come back to my place. So I'm like, yes, we go back and we go to his his little room. You know, back then, guys didn't have money.
Oh, yeah, of course. We're in dorm rooms. It's awful. And we're kissing and it's so hot. And I'm just like, oh yes. And then he takes his pants off and I take my pants off. And before he even goes in me, he goes, shit, I just nodded.
And you don't know, like, do you laugh? You're like, do you do you like say it's OK? Do you be like no you're joking. Or do you like check to shit on him literally. Like do you think is this what your dad reimagined you to do in college. Literally. Did your dad be proud of you.
What the fuck are we doing here at quarterbacks. You lost it.
But this is the problem is like as a girl, I just liked him. So and I also, guys, when you come fast, you're going to talk shit about it. But we're also deeply flattered. We are deeply flattered. And also there is something about it that like. You know, he's insecure in that moment, so if that happens, you should take advantage of him being vulnerable and you can literally, because if you treat him right and don't make him feel shitty, he will literally be like we I actually really like this girl.
She handled it really well and as embarrassing. Why did you feel safe around you? I'm just you're so right. You are a mental terrorist. Literally. I'd be like, it's OK. And then that's kind of the best situation sitting there. We end up like talking and just one on one and we're talking shit and then my phone starts to blow up.
Oh God, it's the mask and the mask. God is like goes, I'm in your apartment, your roommate let me in. I'm in your bed waiting for you. And I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm so kind of into the mascot, but I'm like very into this guy right here. But I realized, like, I have to dip. So you didn't get Dick. I go. I have to go. And he goes, can I please walk you home?
And I go, Oh no, no, no, you can't.
You're like the mascot actually man but he's coming. But for me to come back is out my apartment. I go you.
I'm sorry. No. And you could tell he's like feeling rejected right here. But then part of me is kind of like, wow. Like I rejected whatever I should to do. Right. And I leave and then I go home and I like mess around the bucky and I felt so naughty. But the problem with this is, is I never heard from Bascule manager again because I think he felt so rejected when I was actually so into him. Dude, I am so.
Oh my God. Every man listening to this listen to Hannah right now. I swear to God that makes sense because he was so embarrassed and and then trying to be like, don't walk me home, you know, like she hates me. She he was like she literally thinks I'm a little weenie. And I proved to be just that when I splurged all over the carpet.
K fucking little weenie girls are not as picky as do dudes would be like, oh I don't like her hip to waist ratio or her eyebrows. Oh her pussy was like slightly not wearing up. No girls. We just fall for the energy of you and like we will improve your game. Yeah. And also like, like you said, it's almost kind of like a compliment if a guy like comes out for you. I mean he touches me. Hackley So I think it's really sad though.
But I think a lot of guys need to hear that, like, he probably was so mortified and especially because you were an athlete. He's worried about his reputation. And so he's like, I can't even go back. I was like a huge mouth Zakynthos.
I want to say it on a podcast years later that you're late, you're great.
You're like, I still would fuck Tucker. Tucker, if you're out there. Yeah, there you see. And that was your only impression of him.
Let's talk about flirting strategies. Oh, my God. I love because I kind of like going back to basics some time on the show.
Like, I think that we can talk about five something cuckolding and we can talk about like fucking seventeen other people in one night. But flirting is probably like my my favorite thing to do in the world. It's the only thing that brings me joy in life.
It's the only thing it's the one thing that I hold sacred. OK, so let's talk about like what would you if you could can I give you my my classic approach.
Go. OK, this is bar scene. This is what you do at a bar.
I forget what it's like, but this is what I do know, TBD to be sometimes. And this strategy you will always know that if he wants to fuck you, he will talk to you with this strategy. And if he's not into you, it won't work. And that's OK because you're moving on to the next. Moving on. So you're at a bar. You see the guy we know within a second if you are attracted to him. Yes.
So the first thing you do, if you talk to his friends, you walk by and you talk to his less attractive friend, boom. Brilliant.
So you'll say because it's so much easier to approach and you ignore him, you don't make eye contact.
You're very friendly, you're calm, you walk up. Let's say he has like a Yankees hat on. You just go, oh, Yankees like say something to get a reaction to the fact you sang it. So I'm very, like, observant. Say something specific to them. That's why things don't work when you're like, oh, do you go over often it works with anyone. Find like he has a weird tie and I go, oh, I like the color blue on you.
You just say it and let him react, have a little fun and then get out of there. Get out. You're just this is a long game, you guys. But I don't I have time. We a bar. I have. Oh I mean it's fine. You're doing it with multiple people. Oh yes I am a no. This is really mean mental therapist to this is great.
We infiltrate them, we get out, make them so. So guy. So now you guys are friends. Yeah. So now like you'll walk by and you see like I gained do little point like hey that's my friend. Yeah. That's the point. He might be thinking like does you want to fuck me. It doesn't matter. You don't. Yeah. That's his problem. That's absolutely his fault. Then you're going to go up again and you're going to talk again.
And the guy is finally if he's into you, is going to be like, why is this girl talking to all my friends but me? You can talk to his other friend. You're in the group now and you're fucking ignoring him. And at that moment, if he's into you, he will say, what's up? He. In. We can just pause so everyone can take notes, Hannah. It's a methodical process. Word for word moved from move.
It's someone told me that it's somehow written in this book, like the game that goes on.
But I just subconsciously start doing it. If you don't give the guy attention that you want to fuck, it will bother the fucking shit out of him if he's attracted to you. You're so right. He will say something that I'd be so warm with his friends like, oh, no fucking exchange numbers.
Yeah, you're like guys and he's like, he's going to big hearing tomorrow and he's over here like. So you haven't even made eye contact with me. Like, do you even notice I'm here and I just want to chase guys are not going to chase. When you're with your friends at the bar to have your own fun, you have to put it out there. It's like a first kiss. You got to give them a little opening. And also with flirting, I go two ways.
I have the nagging where I'm like a bitch, OK? Yeah, but like a bitch in a very if you can say something as mean as you want, as long as it's in your sexy voice. But the other end is being overly complimentary with dead eyes.
OK, you literally go wow, I think I'm in love with you. And he's like and he doesn't get it.
He's like, he's obviously like you look like you might kill me, but like, I'm glad you're saying that, you know, you're so handsome. Oh my God, you're so handsome. And but she being sarcastic. Yeah. He doesn't know because if you actually like four dates and are like you're so handsome, he's like he's like feeling she's. Yeah. Do you come in with feelings and he knows you're fucking with him. He's so confused. So you know what to do.
You also can turn the next second and be like I think I'm in love with your friend. Like just don't make sense being consistent and don't make sense. I literally have in my notes flirting strategies and I have one bullet and it just says inconsistency. That's literally my game to a fucking tee. And I'm so happy I have someone sitting here worthy of the daddy game that you get the game, you get it.
I know, but it's refreshing because I think a lot of women listening. You're like I how do I even go up? How do I even approach?
And what Hannah saying is like men are at a bar to meet women. Women are at a bar to meet men. Unless you're a lesbian or gay, totally fine. Then you're going there to be men, women, whatever.
Fuck. So you going up to a group of men? If you are in their eyes the slightest bit attractive, you can literally go up there, like Hannah said, and be like, oh, nice Yankees have fuck you and then go to the bar and then like, he's like staring at you, like, who is this bitch? And then you go back to your group of friends and he sees you with like six girls, five girls, two girls yourself who fucking cares.
And then all of sudden you're on their radar. Men want to talk to women at a bar. So if you go up and if you're the one I love initiating with the man, I fucking love it because it gives you the power. It's it's so good. And I think what am I the power that you give you can easily take away. So you're not like putting yourself out there like crazy. No. Know, guys, I'm sorry.
You know, like if you gave up your babies, you know, literally if you get rejected. OK, ok, OK. Here's one thing the Vatican needs to remember, because you have a lot of empowering stuff to keep girls like not getting distracted by boys, like staying focused on their shit. You don't actually like him. No. Like, I'm going to put this back to the beginning is when you're like, why would it be consistent?
I want him to get to know it because you don't like dickhead put in that effort until like months in when you actually do like him. So many times we get hung up on these guys when it's like you don't like like him, you don't even know who he is. You literally met him once. He's standing over at the bar. You like the way he looks, but you rejected his entire life on to him. You don't know that he's a secret family, that he's going to put you in therapy for four years.
A girlfriend, OK, like it's so fucking true.
I think that my I think my flirting strategy, it depends. Like, I go the sarcastic route along the same. And I love to make men feel insecure, but you have to do it very delicately to not fully crush them that they're like, OK, I can't handle this girl, but I kind of like to mentally manipulate and like I'll be like hanging out with him. And if it's towards the end of the night or if it's on like our third date or something, I'm constantly dropping the line of just being like, oh my God, you need to relax, like, stop falling in love.
And when you verbally tell him, you know, you're stop it, you're falling in love and you need to, like, relax. He starts to be like, no, no, I'm not. What are you talking about? And then it puts in his mind and then you are making fun of him for falling in love. And he wasn't even thinking that. But now he's insecure because, like, no, no, no, I'm not.
Falling in love is such a sick Fosdick, but it works because I've done that to almost every guy I've ever dated. And then all of a sudden they're always telling me they're in love because your brain cannot register non-negative. So they just heard love, love. Thank you. And then they're like, OK. I also think the physical touch, if you at some point when you meet this man, if you just make physical contact right off the bat with the guy, he's going to love that feeling.
Your touch for like two seconds. He's like, oh, fuck, this bitch is like in my fucking space. Don't be aggressive to the point where he's like, I'm uncomfortable, where he's like, please stop cupping my my dick. He's like, so my testicles hurt. He's like, oh, I'm like, oh my dick, stop.
Yeah, don't overdo it. Like, don't put your hand up your shirt. No don't fucking don't touch his hair. Actually one oh oh.
Well first after quarantine I was around some guys and I was like so horny out of my mind. Yes. And one of the guys was cute and he was being really shy and he was talking to me and then I go, Can I smell your hair? And he thought it was so I was like, can I smell your hair? And he goes, OK.
And I go, Oh, yeah, that's good. And he thought it was the funniest thing ever. And he never forgot that I did that. He fell in love with me after that won't stop texting me, it turns out not into it.
However, however, however, it was like, don't be afraid to do weird shit too confident about it.
This is the thing. I'm going to go ahead and say do it, but don't do it. You are no, no. You're a type of girl that you're confident and you're like weirdness work. And like, I definitely could do that to a guy that would work. But then there are the girls that are like way more reserved and on the normal track. And if you're like, can I smell your hair? And the whole night you have been a pretty corporate ass bitch.
He's going to be like, So this bitch is out of her fucking he's coming with me. He knew I'd say something weird, sarcastic and weird.
OK, commercial. I love when I can sprinkle in like a little quick, healthy moment here, guys.
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I'm actually about to possibly shoot another season, a summer house. Congratulations. And when you have guys you're talking to right before the show, it's so hard because you have to be like, oh, we just met, but would you film or wait?
So you're OK. You're getting quarantined in a house for six weeks possibly. And no new men can come in. That's what we don't know. And I hadn't been fucked since December because your girl did not know there was going to be a quarantine. I would have prepared I would have backed it up.
I would have been anything. Right. Right, right.
But I just got kicked out. Will you tell us about it? Yeah. Actually had the hottest day. We that's amazing, that's I think that we're both in good moods because we both had disappointment. We're going to tell me about it. So he's older, he's 44.
I am wet. Know that I'm not kidding you that age to me, just something does it right, because it's like you're not going to be, like, fully like you're not going to marry this man. Maybe you will. But for right now, all that screams to me is good said. Well, these 20 year old guys are squirrel brained and also they're only as good as fucking as their last ex-girlfriend. And she's a fucking. She doesn't know what's happening.
But yes, she's been fucking you. Right fucking you.
I know what the difference is, OK? Guys in their 20s are, like, scared.
They're like, I want to come to support you guys in their 40s are like, I've seen too many kids in my life.
Let's fucking go literally desensitise. He's like just going in to actually have good fucking. Yeah. Guys in their 20s, like girls can smell fear. If if you're going to come in two seconds, I want you to be confident about it. I want to be like the single best Fastnet you're ever going to get.
Really, really like slutty own be like get ready bitch. Thirty second really fucking come immediately and then turn me over and start licking my pussy lightly. Yes. But the guys are like hmm. I look up, I'm like dude you're quaking up there. Are you ok. He's like I'm going to come. I love this name is Jerry. Jerry, I've never fucked a jackass. So I'm going to go into the forty four story. Yes.
So we weren't sure if we should do the kissing thing because of the pandemic. Yeah. However, he was tested. I knew I was good. OK, we were like on the beach and we kissed and I'm the oldest guy I've ever kissed was thirty six. So I was afraid I was attracted him but I was like, what if I kissed him.
It feels like I'm kissing my only creepy older uncle. Yeah. Oh yeah. Like you're wondering what's going to happen. It's going to be sparks or it's going to like terror. Yeah. Yeah, but I was, I was into it and then we started kissing and then he was like, let's go take a shower. And there was like an outdoor shower and shower. Sex is difficult.
I once tried anal when I was 19 in the shower, which was one of the biggest regrets of my I was going to say, are you OK?
I'm not I know you never recovered either. I literally had never tried anal thing either. OK, great. We're victims. We literally have fucking post-traumatic stress fuck in the shower. First of all, get a good temperature. It's hard, it's hard, but then get away from the shower. It's just like there's a little shower hitting you.
But you're like, we don't need to be getting waterboarded while we're fucking. It's it's not like I don't want to be like and I'm not like guzzling on your dick. I'm guzzling because there's like water filtrated down my fucking I'm like I can't breathe but like I keep fucking me geode. So bent me over and we started having sex. But your girls. Twenty eight. Your girl has played tennis for a long time. The joints, the joints.
And you know like when you try to pack the pack the booty, pack the booty and you're perked up and then lower back, it starts getting weird. And then I turn to my I just go sit down. Oh yes. Because there was a little place for like conditioner and shampoo. I said, sit down. And he's like, wow, I'm like, just sit. Oh, just buckets. No, I'm just kidding.
I don't think you should. I like I like to be unassumingly bossy.
Like, you don't have to be like a complete dominatrix or like complete like, oh help me, I'm a victim being between be like taken and then be like, hey, sit down. I sat down and then I took my tennis Cuadrilla legs and I went up and down on the deck.
I pushed myself past that level of your burning. I'm burning like I pulled my quad. But here we go. It's worth it. Get that not bitch. Get that down. Here we go. Here we go. Oh my God. It was so much fun. And then he because I don't know if he's 44 and like, I don't know, he just wasn't coming and he knew what to do to like not come. And then he was in a good way and he was like, let's finish this in my bed.
And then and then it was yeah. And it was game over. And then what do you think this is like some of the best sex you've had.
I hate to say that because it gives him power, but yes, but yes, because, yeah, he was just so focused on me, you know, I want to fuck a 44 year old.
This is bad. Great skin. Because he moisturizes. He told me, oh, my God. I wonder what he moisturizes with. I don't know.
Swipe up, Saipov. Let's go sponsor. We OK?
First and foremost, I want to give you a big fat kudo's because I always tell the Daoudi gang if you can squat on a man's dick, it is not easy. You have to push through. It is fucking hard out there in the store. You're going to feel burned. You're going to feel. But you've all had chlamydia before anyway. Exactly. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Oh. Oh no. It's so true. Like when you can take a shot and you can handle backburn can squat down, you can squat on the deck and listen because it's not easy.
And I think the worst part sometimes is like I got to be in the mood because I know once I get up there the level of how much you want to squat on his dick, you're ready to be done after like five, six fucking up and down.
So you're like, damn, my cards are done. However, we aren't no bitch. Like, we are the daddy. Like, we fucking fuck. Like, we're going to fuck the living shit out of his dick. So I black out every time I'm on top that I just want to help you.
But I don't think it is. And great results though. And that's what we are. We came for the great result. We got the W and also girls you can slow down. That is when it's bad. What you do, you come back and then you stop and do like a little circular thing, like you're like grinding on him in the club. Go slow fucking I.
He thinks that you're like being so fucking sexy when in your head you're just like three to one.
OK, you literally ok. This is good advice for the daddy game because I think they love the shit girls. We've always said when you're when you are writing Dick you don't have to be with your feet on the ground. You can do your knees. But then I think you kind of see a man's soul leave his body diminished. I always will, like, get up and put my feet on the bed and I go in the squat position a man.
It's like, oh, fuck off your forehead like a frog. Yes. But I also know, like, no, my pussy is right in his face and like, my tits are here and like, let's just roll with it. Yeah. I think you got to just not think about what you look like because what I know is when I watch as I get in that position, I always watch the man's face because every fucking time he's like, Jesus fucking Christ.
It's funny when you feel insecure about yourself. Yeah. Get your head out of your own shit, because that's how you look at his candidacy. He's telling you everything, everything. You can ruin it for yourself, literally. I don't like myself. And I'm like, you look at him and he his eyes are in the back of his head. He can't even think straight. So but Daddy and I recently, I guess it depends, like if I'm being a little lazier, what I have done and I do think it's almost just as hot is I keep one knee on the mattress and then I put my my left leg.
Usually I don't know how it's my left, but my left leg. And I put that like it's about to get in the squat position. And then I will kind of lean backwards a tiny bit and like put my hand in between his legs and lean back and go up and down. Or then you can lean forward and take your hand and put it on his chest stomach and use it almost like you're pushing up off his chest to go up and down on his dick.
This recently, it's been something I've discovered and it's been working amazing, amazing to have guys write that down, write it down, because it also saves your legs. And if you want, you could kind of almost switch them out. Maybe you guys don't go to the fucking gym neither go on his dick and do one knee down, one leg up. You can switch if you get sore. Yeah, exactly. And then and just like rub your clit while you're doing a transition.
So when in doubt, just rub your clit even if you fucking trip over yourself when you're on the floor, rub your fucking. He's like oh my God, it's so hot. Like literally so hot. OK, rub the clay when in doubt. Rub the clay. Nope. That's honestly the kind of the best advice I think. When will the guy why are you when in doubt rub the clay. He's going to be like oh wow, that's really hot.
Like you forget to text him back because you're fucking his friend. Just do what you do. That's actually really good. Do you have a type?
I my type is like athletic, great sense of humor, but I'm trying to figure out do I want the party boy or the mute guy because I'm either the one who like, I'll have a conversation that I'm like, was that good?
Because I crushed that conversation because I'm just good will myself so much. I was having the time of my life. He didn't get a word in, but I honestly such a good time. I had a great time.
Or is it do I like the party guy who was kind of like me and we have the same personality, but we step on each other's light, they say in relationships now we're going into metaphors, OK, there should be a gardener and a flower.
What the fuck? Listen to go. OK, bitch. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I love this shit. OK, so you read this from your I guess I, I don't know where I read it but definitely wasn't anywhere legit. OK, but let's go with it. So these are facts. So the gardener is the one who's like holy shit down, who's coming, who. And then the flower is us who's like shooting up, blooming, doing crazy shit.
And the gardener loves being the gardener and the flower needs the gardener and the gardener needs the flower. It's also Ozzy, sure. I actually broke up with one of my exes who I've been referring to, who had some fame, says watching a Dr. Dre documentary, Who's Dr. Dre is like EPIK so successful, killing the rap game, killing production, whatever it is, everything.
So his wife goes on and she goes, I'm the rock and he's the balloon. And she's like, and that's how this functions. Like I she's like, he would be nothing without me because I hold you hold him down and I'm watching and I go, I'm not a fucking rock, I am not a fucking fucking pebble.
No, I am air balloon up in this motherfucker and I am out and about and he's got to try to keep it in the rope in like literally really fucking an air balloon with helium going fucking everywhere, dude. Yeah. Like, OK, I have so many thoughts right now.
OK, first and foremost about the rock comment. And I think we're both saying we're the balloon and we need a man that's a rock. Yeah. The the I think when my mother told me she knew that door man door number three was the man when he met my parents. He's the one of the first guys I only met my parents and I was so terrified for them to meet him. It was like a family Christmas party thing. And we are leaving and my mom's a psychologist.
So this bitch is reads like a fucking book and we're leaving. We're going to go to like a bar after dinner. And I guess he was talking to her and she later told me she was like, Alex, he's the one. And I'm like, OK, I'm no fucking pressure. By the way, I broke up with him because he told me he loved me and what the fuck? But my mom was like I knew he was the one.
And to this day, this is like five years later still says it because she was like I looked at him and I said, what are you guys going to do? And he looked at my mom and was like, Mrs. Cooper, it's her show. I'm just living it. And but the most, like, supportive like that, that bitch run the show and he kind of yes. He's like she was ready to do it. Yes. And this man is big in his own right.
And my mom was like, Alex, you are not going to find a lot of men that are so confident themselves that can be like, I love that bitch, let that bitch go.
And I'm right because that's how your family is like my family is like, yeah, Hannah's fucking crazy. Yes. It's her show we're living and we support her whatever. We have our own lives. But like, that's our Hannah. That's our crazy Alex. Yeah, that's I don't want a guy to that's also it's hard when, like, this is my thing.
Are you afraid that this guy is the one and because you're like taking your time that like he'll meet someone or you'll meet someone like are you afraid you'll lose each other or do you think that your energies are meant for each other? And regardless, whatever fucked up shit happens, you will connect.
Putting me on the spot here, she told me she wants me to ask her some questions. She's regretting it. So I think that in my life right now, I I am not at all concerned about him meeting another me. No one will ever fucking be what I am to him. I already fucking know it.
I just I was kind of hot. I know, I know it's I know it's like very aggressive in like being like that. So why are you scared to start your life together. Because I'm too like I'm too young and he has his career girl you're going to blink and you're going to be thirty two.
I know. I know. And listen to like I'm a child bride. I like you guys stop like. No I really know you're right. You know that once you start. I understand that and we both have said that like he's like listen now I'm not ready either. You're not ready. You're dating him.
You might. I hate this girls. Whatever you whatever you do, never let a guy distract you. So like, you might have not been on to come up with this podcast if you were, like, letting Netflix with They love you, baby.
No, I agree with last time you were in love.
Oh, my God. Have you ever been in love, Alex? I've been numb for like two years because I dated this, like, guy who really fucked you fucks me up, which I think was so helpful because after that happened, I had to, like, build myself up. Like, my body was telling me to get out like I couldn't eat. Girl, I always eat. And I was having, like, little heart palpitations. I got out and then I had to realize, Hannah, why did you end up with a guy like that?
Why did you want that? Why what are you trying to overcompensate for? Why are you. I always loved eating like hot successful guys to show off.
Yeah, like I'm like a dude where I, like, want a little boy. Candy. Yeah, boy. Candy, that's me. I love Boykin's. I'm in therapy for that right now. I know literally what you're describing right now. I'm like that was one of my relationships. And I was like, how did I get into a relationship with a narcissist? Yeah. And I say, if you're a sensitive person, which is like I think we both are, that they latch on to you.
And I think that once I realized that basically my only goal was to be myself again, and then instead of being like, I wanna be a superstar, I want to marry this, all I want to do is wake up and not be depressed, do that's some deep shit. And once I just had that goal, like shit started to align for me and then I got to call her daddy, you know, like, my life is amazing.
So I do know that is some deep shit, like people talk about going through breakups and like when you're in a relationship with someone that is a narcissist and like, you get so fucked up running in circles trying to figure out how to make it work, why is it not working? How do I do?
And I started to question, like, I just have to be funny or just not smart. I have to be more successful. And then you start questioning, like, am I being myself? And I got my own anxiety spirals of, like, am I sabotaging you? You change yourself. So I got the fuck out. It took a couple of months to get out of that dark place, the dark passenger, the under whatever underbelly. So that's why I've been kind of numb where it's like I'm focusing on my career and I'm just scared.
It's like getting a car crash and getting in a car again. Yeah. So I, I do these like six month things where they don't want to date them. Yeah. So it's like you never even throw it out. They're like, are we dating it just like now should you keep seeing them. And then it's like six months and then I get bored and then it's over and but also I don't like random fucking I don't need to be dating you, but I want to know that you have emotion for me and you like me because I semi randomly fuck the lacrosse player.
I got chlamydia.
See, that's the kind of shit we don't need around here. We don't need it. I can handle it. Just a pill. But like, we don't need it. We don't need chlamydia. When I the first time I got chlamydia, I was actually the first. Everyone gets it by the way. We're normal. I think chlamydia it was literally it was the first time I ever, like, kind of fucked a random dude. It was in college.
He was this he didn't go to my college. He was older. And I was like, fuck it. Like, I want to be adventurous. I'm going to go fuck him. So I fucked him. And then I went to hook up with door number three and I went and got tested and I had chlamydia and I knew door number three did not give it to me. And I realized it was the skanky ass fucking loser that I fucked in Boston.
And then I blamed it on door number three. And he was like, OK, I'm so sorry. And you gave me fucking chlamydia. Meanwhile, I knew I gave him chlamydia. So I always turn around on them, never admit to giving someone chlamydia. But when I got it. Hello, you'd be so bad with covid. So oh my God, I'm like, stop giving me over that guy. You literally gave it to me. I've been quarantining by myself.
Like, what the fuck?
So but when you get chlamydia, it's fine. You guys, you need to take a pill, OK? Everyone gets everyone gets it totally fine. No, but you don't worry. He's been use a condom, but condom sex sucks.
So find a guy that fuck I'm going to get cut off the air. My mom's like, why can't you tell people. Do you use condoms Alex. And I'm like, it.
I can't. It won't. Come on.
I'm sat me down and was like, how do you use condoms? And I was like, what do you want me to say? You want me to tell you? You want to hear goes hand if you're not waiting to have sex for marriage, obviously. So maybe like wait to get exclusive with the condom, like use the condom against them. Oh. And I was like, that's genius. If I had self-control. Fuck. It's it's so bad and and.
Listen, I'm going to give one piece of advice, OK, I got your guy to me recently when it was so fucking hot. OK, so, you know, the moment is like, should we use a condom? Everything. It's awkward. You don't know how to put a condom on tour. Like, I hope it doesn't ask me. Right. And then, like, I don't even know what that thing does. It sure like to even want to do this.
Like doing like his declining what do I look good. Do I have to I mean I feel rubbery in there. Yeah. I don't like it. But then this guy literally like took my hips, put my face. I mean I put my face for my vagina on his face like I sat on his face and was like riding him while he took both his hands and was putting the condom on while I'm writing his face. And then the second like I got like, really what he just put me on the condom and it was like the hottest, smoothest ever.
Man, you need to do that because that stop with the awkward liquid condom on literally. And it's like, here I go, I'm going to get fucked by a dolphin. Like, it's so rubbery and it's gross. I wanted to fuck with Tupperware.
It really literally that's actually kind of amazing because I feel like that would make my vagina less dry if I saw and I didn't see the condom process. That's why I always come before sex. I'm like, do you want me to be wet? And you'll feel so good. Oh, OK. Can we talk about that?
Is that can you quickly describe your sex life to us. Like what are you like what I do. Yeah.
OK, so I like to tie him up. Yes. Fuck you. Sit there bitch. Watch me twirl on your day. I like to kiss and that I love to cook. I love to kiss. Making out is so I like to tease a little. I like to I'm bossy. I like, I like to be but like not annoying bossy. Just like his facts. Yeah. You don't know what's going on. I'll tell you how to work my body.
Right. And then I like being fingered I think fingering 20/20. I love it so much. Why don't guys finger more. Because it's harder maybe.
But like I wish you would if you're listening out there. Anyone finger me. Yeah. I think people so much. I love that everyone wants guys to go down there now, but a lot of girls like need like it's more stimulation when it's like the finger especially we don't know what you're doing with your time. And also any guy that's like you just do the ABCDE of juice. That's not how you make it. Go come going down in her.
Stop it, please stop doing that please. Like actually feel when you're going to the sea. I'm like, oh here comes the D and I'm like, Jesus Christ, he really. Oh you just skipped literally the dumbest ever. Can't even do that alphabet. Dude I you can tell when guys are in their heads down there. I'm like just I would rather you go down there. Not so bad as empathic people like me and you.
I can sense when you're stressed and like but I don't want him watching my face while he's fingering.
Oh Jesus Christ. Like I don't want this to please look away, look away.
So sometimes I'll just like put my hand over my mouth like it's if I'm so turned off OK. Yeah. Or if you I guess you could like make out or like throw your head back.
What I like is I like him to then like kind of suck on my left nipple. One is not sensitive. Oh. So like you direct guys like that. Yeah. They like, I like being like this is how my body works, like just my left one turns me on, they're like oh and then I'll like test them later and they feel like accomplish. It's a little things that are simple. That's really interesting that you tell them a specific nipple.
Yeah. Because one of them is just way more sensitive. They'll be like sucking on the nipple fingering me. That's good. And if I can get it right then I trust and then after that then I go go inside me. And so it's like I literally go the second I come, like then go inside me. That same sex commercial.
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Can I tell you my former professional athlete story. My God, this is my daddy. Gangsterish. Oh my God. I can. You asked me. I was like, OK, how we go baby. I am excited. Let's go. OK, let's go.
So he's a former. I like former football players because they're not traveling anymore. They're not like as cool as they were. They have their money and they lost a shit ton of weight because they're not eating like tons of calories. So they're like slim down football.
OK, I've I really rarely ever hook up with football players.
I highly recommend a tight end. Go ahead. Tight end. I'll write that down. Tight ends are great running out of money. So this guy, he had like light blue eyes, like six, six. Check, check. Now, I missed a lot of red flags when a guy is tall and we're going to go through what I missed and then what happened because of it. OK, so buckle up. We're buckle up, gang.
We're back. Let's go, everybody. Let's go. Bucklin Whoa. Oh. Oh, my God.
Oh, first, the back and forth is very quick. How did you meet him? Hensch got it. So like two messages and he's like, it's football Sunday. Let's watch football. Atiba love that. So when they don't take a while to, like, at least see your personality, that means they don't care at all. So but I was like, he's tall. Yes, let's go. Let's go. So we get we go to the place and it's like kind of a little too nice.
And there's like no one there. But my stuck up ass is like, oh, he thought of a nice place to sure. Like me, he wanted to sit down with me. That's why I like it. No, it's literally right by his apartment. Oh.
So you don't know like baby you're so spoiling me. He's like I just wanted to do this so I didn't have to put on my good shoe leather slippers I'm wearing. I got out of bed, rolled out of bed, trying to get my dog bit shut up. Okay, keep going.
So we're sitting there and it starts off where I notice he kind of laughed a little too long, you know, in like the last one. And they keep laughing and you're like, do I just start another lap?
Right. You're like, whoa, oh, what are you doing? And you just watch him laugh at you and you're like, yeah, you're like, okay, it's not that funny. I know I'm funny, but I'm not that funny. Is up.
Then he was like bragging about how his parents had two tennis courts in the Hamptons and I was like, no one needs two tennis courts. That's fucking weird. And I'm and I'm you. Yeah, that's weird.
Then he asked me if I party. He just said, do you party? You party. And I like kind of an idiot. Like as a former I felt like I didn't do drugs. Right. I don't know about you, but like I can't do cocaine or OK my brains out. Oh yeah. So I had never done I had like smoked weed in high school and then in college I literally couldn't do drugs, so I would just drink alcohol.
And then for the first time I ever did coke when I got out of college because I was like, oh my God. And I even told my parents, I'm like Mom and dad, I want to do cocaine at one point in my life. And they're like, OK, Alex, that's really good that you're telling us this. And I did it. And I was like, I'm such a hyperactive person.
Like, I don't even need it, so I don't really do it no good. Yeah. Unless sometimes it's there. And then one time I did accidentally do it and was ketamine and it was like the worst situation in my entire life.
I'll tell you guys that story another time. Another time, another time here on the K. Okay, keep going.
So he's I was like not really like I, I drink alcohol but I'm not really into drugs. And he goes, you know, I used to be but now I'm good. And I was like, OK, I don't know, why didn't you tell me that. Good. He's like, I'm good. So he's had enough that if I, if it's going well I have a friend who works up Brother Jimmy's OK. It's like a it's like a rowdy bar.
OK, but she's bartending so I like to if it's going well, be like let's go to another spot and then she'll give us drinks and she'll tell me if I should like them or not. So I want to do that next time. I like what she would be like or she'll be like, yeah. Wait that's so fun.
OK, I love that. OK, I want to share with you one. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. When it happens.
When things are ok. It's so sad. So I was like let's go. And he goes wait one sec, I need to charge my jewel. So we're red flag number seventeen and you're like falling.
I would fall off the chair back flip. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. But I think that my grandma just died and he's like, I'm pretty sure you saw on your Instagram your grandma is already dead and she just died again.
I got to go back. I literally like what Jewel came back to haunt me. They killed herself. When she saw you, you saw you don't fucking do you piece of shit. But again, he's like, gorgeous.
So like whatever athlete. So I'm like, do you like pretending you didn't hear that he's a jewel. Yeah. So he goes, let's go to my bar and I go, where is it? And he goes, oh it's, it's on this block.
And I go, oh my God, I'm so stupid. Like it's all making sense, I'm making sense. So we go upstairs and he has exposed Brick and if you know me you know that if you've exposed Brick I will fuck you.
You're ready to fight. I'm ready to fight. You're literally naked. He turns around naked. Hello. Sorry for the exposed brick. That means I get naked. I mean to expose my labia lips. Right. Let's go back on the branch.
Then he like went in for the kiss but he did it in this fuck boyish way where he didn't make eye contact. Before I go find the kiss is like make eye contact a little like Wilson like nine ten thing.
I don't know this like a rule. Yeah.
But then he picked me up. Oh fuck. And he's tall and he's a lady and I know I felt like a little dainty flower. Oh my God I. They do that. I love being picked on because you can tell sometimes when a guy picks you up, but he can't handle it and you're like, I know I'm not fat, but like, I feel as though I, you know, it is I'm still literally. And then you want to be like you want to give him the big no, you can put me down.
But when the man can pick you up and you literally feel like you're his tote bag, you're like, this fits right? I'm like his keychain. He's cute. And he tosses me on the couch and he continues kissing me. And then he pulls up my shirt and he goes, Hold on one second. And this is like Sunday at eight p.m. Like football Sunday, walks away, comes back, lowers his head and snorts a line of cocaine off my tit.
Shopaholics, this is Sunday. This is Shark Tank watching Timelike. I want to see Mr. Wonderful Telson, 12 year old that her granola recipe, shit like that's what I want to do on Sunday.
I don't need to do it. Snorting cocaine off my tit after telling me, you know, the party party. So I'm immediately like and, you know, it just gives me I don't I'm not trying to do this. So immediately we're like, what just happened?
Then he goes, Oh, I just want you so bad. I just want, oh, I want to dominate you. That's disgusting. And shit starts turning. And then he goes, I want to show you something.
So this becomes like a horror movie shit where you're like, don't walk, don't walk towards it, you know, like a little guy. And I'm like, he's tall. Let's go. So I'm following him into this, like biting my nails during the story. I'm like nervous for you.
Pulls out a box full of, like, chains, whips, sock handcuffs. And he's like, this is what I'm going to do no to you. And I go check fucking I get the fuck out.
I only I'm like, you know what, I, I my grandma died again. My grandma is dead around you.
It's crazy. She keeps going back. There's a whole situation going on. I don't know why they keep bringing back to life now. What the what the fuck did you.
So I just I'm this is hard when you're like a sarcastic person to suddenly go serious. But I just was like, you know what I need see, my friend, I'm so sorry. Like, I got to go and I, I, I left. And it's one of those things where you're like, I really hope this guy doesn't text me like I hope that he's not. How weird could he get literally. And some people might have been into that.
So I'm not saying he was like a psycho, but like I wasn't giving him vibe. No. And you had never hung out before and he had literally told you he doesn't party. And then all of a sudden he's doing a line off your tits and then you're kind of like, so are you a compulsive liar? Or like, why the fucker? And especially it would be one thing if you had been like, yeah, I party because maybe he would have gotten the vibe or if I'm in a party with this girl.
But you said you don't like what in his brain, his fucked up brain, what is called professional athletes brain, you know, literally because you know how many girls he brings there. And then they're just like he's a professional athlete. Do whatever the fuck you know, literally show them to me. He's like doing that to me. And I'm like, I can't be tortured by you tonight. No, no, not end of story. Oh, fuck.
Next day it's Monday. I go to the office back in those days and I turn on my computer nine a.m. and I get a text from him like, fuck, and I open it up and it's a porn website.
And this guy clearly has no idea of, like, accurate things to do at the right time. So I'm immediately, like, looking around. I believe I'm like, what the fuck? Ten minutes later, he text me again. He goes, sorry, wrong person. We know this is someone that just like literally mentally like not there.
No, no, we I'm just I'm trying to think of what I would have done in a situation like maybe posted it on my Instagram story because I'm like someone just live in this with me, like live in this nightmare. What is wrong? No, that is why I don't date football players because I'm like their brain damage. And I mean, I know that's so mean. He's definitely brain damaged. I'm sorry. I want to just raise awareness that all these girls were like, I want to fuck a professional.
Right. Maybe you want to go downstairs and some of them aren't even that good in the bed. So, like, so it's kind of like, what are we doing here?
That's the worst. When you were, like, so excited to fuck him and then you're like, who let you do this?
No. Why are you so bad at fucking know? Literally some of them. I'm like, because he's good looking guys. Are these professionality guys. Never had a girl. Look at them. Go Honey, honey, you're doing it wrong. You should. I didn't come. That's why maybe some of these like finance pros unhinge we can consider. Dude, I'm not kidding you like with like below average. I agree with you. I just need to, like, wrap my brain around that.
It's going to take me a minute. But you're going to end with two or three anyway, so. OK, have fun in the meantime. Right. And do shit for the story. That's what I was thinking. Just really put my vagina out there for the podcast yesterday up in the charts. That's just seems really normal to me.
But I think that your experience that is you've been speechless.
No, I have. I have we gone too long? I don't know. What time is it? It's four thirty. We killed it.
Hannah, any last words? I thank you so much for coming on. I literally am so happy that I feel like this went by in a second. You too. I feel like we could keep talking for hours.
I know, but maybe you'll date this 44 year old man, maybe keep you posted. Do your parents know? Yeah. Today my dad just jokes. He's like, have you checked his blood pressure? Like what you do with this?
We'll check it out. Yeah. Like you got to just keep an eye on him. Hannah, on curfew for your toys to play with. Oh, my God. Because how much older than twenty eight for sixteen.
OK, all right. I actually think that's a good age.
That's good. They're like you might die early and I'm like, well I'll be an independent owner of his estate and we love that. I take all of his fucking money, everything he's worth. Take it. Yeah. Hannah, I love you. I love you. I want to go listen to her podcast. Plug yourself. What's your intro?
My Instagram is being burned by Angie PR and Z. And then. And then that's Twitter to then burning in hell is my mental health comedy podcast.
I'd love to have Alex on. I definitely need to.
There's a lot more we have to delve into. Oh yeah. And watch Summer House on Bravo. Dude, I'm not kidding you like it's addicting guys. I've been shit like I went through all quarantine and did all four seasons, five seasons for four seasons and it's fucking amazing. It's really got. Thank you so much Father. Love you guys.
And a last word from your father. Daddy going to all the silent sufferers. Go fuck yourselves. There will be no questions. No, nope.
Not not fucking happening this week, guys. There's no questions of the week this week because we ran out of time. But Hannah actually stayed in the studio and I convinced her to do questions of the week with me. So I will be giving you our answers to a bunch of your questions at the end of next week's episode. So silent sufferers, you can relax, take a deep breath, but I will be coming for you next fucking week. I also have a shit ton of updates coming your fucking way.
I have a little surprise. I'm going on a little trip and there's a lot happening. So stay tuned for next week. Daddy, again, it's going to get fucking wild. It's always fucking wild here. I love you guys. You know the fucking drill. I will see you fuckers. Next one.