Losing my mom was the most life changing thing that ever happened to me, even having a baby. Really? Yeah, 100 percent I think compared me for being a mom. Two years ago, I lost my mom. It was an out of the blue world, upside down, life altering experience.

My mom was my rock, my best friend. She raised seven children, seven grandchildren, and was adored by all of us. Losing her has changed me in ways I couldn't have anticipated. I now look at life differently. I'm more selective with my friends and environment. And obviously I have days when I feel the world is just a totally different place. Throughout this series, I want you to understand grief. I wanted to understand the sadness, the anger, the confusion and the reality, warts and all, I'm asking my friends and some familiar faces about their experiences and learning from them.

As I go. I need to know if I'll ever feel like me again. And I believe the only people that can help me figure that out are the people who know me the best.

This week on Death Becomes and I sit down with my very good friend Nadia Faught. Now, Nadia story is a little different to those we've heard already from the age of eight. And Nadia was raised mainly by her grandmother. And today opens up about the complexity of grieving and estranged parents reconnecting during her mother's illness. Nadia admits she began to view her mother differently, woman to woman. We begin our conversation today talking about how becoming a mother has helped Nadia heal.

Don't you think that having a baby or having a baby in a family brings like a whole life circle around, like massively so like I had wires after my mom died? Yeah. You know, Harvey came into your family after your mom passed away. Yeah. Like a real kind of. I feel like it's a glimmer of hope. It gives you that little bit of, like, love again, you know what I mean?

Yes. It's almost like a blessing. It is.

It's like you need us, because even for my nana, my nana really needed wires right now that I see that the kind of new lease of life that White has given her, because after my mom, my my nana was in a bad way for a long time, I think it was no matter what age, what age, your baby is still your baby, still your baby who passes away. And she was she was in a really bad place for a long time after.

But let's just discuss how fabulous Bernie is she.

She is the type of woman that for me is like, you know, the I don't say, oh, you know, like the the Irish mammy.

Yeah, I know. She's your granny is a fabulous. But she's so funny. She's so quick and so Dublin. She's so dumb. And she's also a very good storyteller.

And I remember at your wedding when she was holding Ryan first she was reefing sobbing on the phone because I didn't say for sure.

She was really nice. Like, well, I never she refed, but I was on was a gasp going icon.

Icon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also her story and yeah, she's she comes out with some crazy stuff like, did I ever tell you about the time I was in Montecarlo.

Eleven years old. And I'm like, well yeah.

Yeah. So she like she's had a really amazing life. Yeah.

And sometimes I, I've said I've called Bernie your mom. I said you go back to your mom and I go, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Because Bernie's your gran.

I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I've always even when when we first met we were doing panto together. We obviously knew I knew who Nadia Ford was. I'm sure you knew who Brian Dowling was.

I needed to be educated, but we don't. Ponto And then I seen her outside in a car after one show and she was so good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She loves the show. Oh, you caught me off guard. Oh no.

Like, I'd been getting ready for like five hours before I was like Joan Collins.

The lipstick, the hair, the she really wants like when she sees you and she sees like whatever, you know, your backpack, she goes, I want the backpack.

Yeah. Brian, have we had met her one day for lunch. And she was like, oh it's just gorgeous. Oh yeah.

She loves it. She loves she loves glam and she loves all that kind of stuff. And she's funny and she likes having fun.

I think she's just the kind of person like she loves she loves art and she looks I mean, I couldn't, you know, just tell us burning sage, but I couldn't put an age on Bernie. And I think when you can't put an age on some, she tell you.

Yeah, but it's a really. I wouldn't even know, would you know.

No, I wouldn't even know because sometimes I would think she hasn't really changed actually in the last twenty years. Right. Locker photos of her from twenty years ago. There's not a huge difference at all. And a lot of my friends who were at my wedding, who I went to school with but maybe have not seen my nana, you know, you know, when you meet up with your friends, you don't always bring your nana along with you.

And when they saw her at the wedding, they were like, oh, my God, your nana hasn't changed.

But, you know, she's always she's like, that's my skin. You know, like, you know, she but she's well able to tell you how fabulous she is.

Like a but I like that because. Do you not think sometimes I'm just might shock people, but I'm not very good at taking a compliment and you almost get a bit.

Oh thank you. Thank you. But I think when you get to a certain age and you've lived a life and life can be tough and life's not easy that you've got, you know what?

I'm going to embrace how fabulous I look.

Yeah. How fabulous I am. Because surely you deserve it. Yeah.

And I think that's where she's at though for sure. Like and I think, you know, like she always I have this video saved on my phone where she she's moldering away in the kitchen or whatever and she's given out to me by someone she was you can never spoil your nana enough.

And that's like one line that's always stuck in my head. You can never spoil your nana enough, you know.

So I'm always reminded of my thought. And like, obviously, we have a very close relationship because she was like the main caretaker for myself, my brother, for a long time. Yes.

So, you know, she's kind of the glue that holds the family together.

But that's a bit like what my mum was.

My yeah, the the traditional I think the word traditional Irish mommies are the matriarch. Yeah. And they even though the men are still there, the men make the money, you know. But my mom ruled the roost.

Yeah. Runs the show. The thing that happened with us is that two things, two major things that you and I went away to Blackpool for a mutual friends at thirtieth. Yeah. And you told me in Blackpool you were pregnant.

Yeah. Remember. Yeah. And I was like we went, well, you guessed I guess you just see now. And I was like, you're pregnant. And you were like, yeah. You know, you're like, I have so many sisters. This is my first time, this is not my first rodeo bitch. And you were like, well, I can't drink. And I remember you. And I then would fake where I'll get a drink and you'd get a drink and I'd swap yours for water.

And I drink.

And I was drinking yours at nine. Anyway, no judgment for me. Yes, of course. Good friends. Yes. I'm such a good I took one for the team and I remember our last we joked and I was like, you left over.

You're like this over your pregnant lalalala.

And we had a very because you and I have very honest, frank conversations and with a very honest, real conversation, I think we're eating.

I was eating paste his son over on the train back to London, Houston, back to London.

And we had never spoken about my mom. There was a lot that I didn't know you were asking me about.

What was that like? Is your mom or what's that? What happened on your relationship with your mom?

Because we had known each other a while before. I did. You never asked me anything, so I did. And that's why I think the timing of it, I look back now and I'm like, something was I play a bigger a bigger thing was I play because your mom passed away.

Yes. A week later.

A week later was so actually so strange was the last time I'd seen and it was really in-depth of like, how did you deal with this?

How did you feel like asking me questions that maybe I hadn't even thought about myself, you know, like, no, I I've I've always found a know reason for doing the podcast for me was the fact that I find talking therapy.

And it's almost like you were preparing me for something that I had no idea what was coming.

And then you and I hadn't seen each other from that conversation.

And when I was at my mom's sorry, I was a bit choked when I talk about it, but I stutter still. When I talk about it at the funeral, it's all like a bit of a daze. And I didn't even know who was going to be coming to the funeral.

And I will just remember coming back down and seeing you and you were on the edge seat and you were the first person I'd actually had.

I was I got upset when I seen you, but the person I hugged first, the sense that and I don't even know you were going to be there.

And I remember just thinking I was just with her a week ago on a train, and you had the blessing of telling me that you were pregnant and you were talking about your mom.

And then I thought, oh, my God, what is happening?

It was weird. Yeah. It was like our last conversation. And then the next time we see each other, I think we'd had a couple attacks back and forth. Right when you found out. Yes.

Yes, I know. I know.

Well, I like it's not I, I always feel like when somebody is going through a loss or grief, like I, I keep my texts quite brief because I'm the same because you don't know what you could you could really try and say something to make them feel better and it's not going to make them feel bad.

I agree with you.

So I always have. I remember that from my point of view, because I remember the few messages that would come in after my mom died and I'd be like, what is that about?

And actually, when I think back now, I'm just like, oh, I you know, it's just, you know, I was angry and I was upset and they didn't mean it like that.

But it's just such a fragile time. I didn't say anything. And then I saw you at the church and I remember my my thought at that moment when you when he gave me a hug and the church was is just starting for him.

The pain is just starting for him.

And that was what I was thinking in my head when he gave me a hug.

And I was like, oh, my God, it's not because for a lot of people they're like, oh, you know, the funerals, Don, they can, you know, try. And I'm like, Now, guys, it's just starting. It's not this is not this is not the end.

This is this is this is the very, very start of grief because I feel like as well. Well, from my experience, I don't remember the funeral at all the days.

I have no idea the running of it how it happened. I remember pieces of the day. Yeah. And actually that that entire time of my mom, because my mom was was terminally ill. So it was a different experience to you.

But I remember I had a I had, you know, weeks and weeks in a hospice.

So I have highlights of moments that I remember. But I can't tell you what day it happened, what day came first or after. It's all a bit of a cloud.

You know, you and I, you know, went through the same thing, losing a parent. We both lost our mom. For me, it was so sudden I was in a different country. And you were saying your mom was terminally ill. Is that because you know the end result? Does it make it? Easier because is the thing. Because I say to myself, I didn't say I didn't, I didn't I couldn't like I even with a coffin and what Mom was wearing, I saw what happened in a different country.

I'm coming back. My sister is like I always feel like they held her hand when it was warm. And they're able to do that. And I, I didn't get that opportunity. And I know that fills me sometimes with such it's not regret. It's just almost. Yeah. Why not me, you know. So for you, is it how did you mix.

Yeah. There's there's things I'm happy that that I made peace with and then there's things that I'm watching.

Anybody suffer any human, let alone the person who brought you into the world watching them lose their life.

Which is what concert?

Yeah, Barry, it's really, really a horrible way to go.

And it's very slow.

And I think watching somebody lose their health in front of you and lose their life and the frustration that they feel when their bodies break it down is something that I really kind of, for myself, hope I go pretty quickly because it was really, really tough to watch somebody like that and. And, you know, my mom was forty nine when she passed away, she really wanted to. Get up and get out of there and she couldn't and the frustration of her not being able to do that and knowing that like life is a ticking time bomb, it was really I don't know if suddenness is better.

I just think it's different. However, we did have a really very tricky relationship.

And knowing that she was terminal gave me the time to not make amends because we never really actually had a conversation about what went wrong, how what happened between me and her and Steven or whatever happened, because it wasn't really about me. It wasn't about it was her.

That was like I was very aware that she was facing the end of her life and how scary that must be and. I just really wanted to help her as much as I call it, because it's just really scary. Yeah, so sorry. No, no, it's fine.

So it wasn't about it wasn't about the arguments. It wasn't about the lack of time. It was about just.

Trying to make it OK for her, you know, it's not like it wasn't about my how I felt.

So some people are like, are you so glad that you had the extra time?

The only thing I really learned from the extra time was like, this is not a time. It wasn't the right moment to bring up the past. It wasn't going to change any.

No. Yeah. The end was always going to be the best. Exactly. So. It was just like trying to make her have hope until the end. Yeah, and and. You know, Hussein, sorry, never really gone into us. Yeah, and. Was sorry, said, oh, yeah, from both of our sides.

Yeah, but I think, you know, there's as I become a mom myself, as I get married myself, I do have a lot of empathy for what she went through as a woman.

You know, life is not easy and. I've really come away from the whole thing like there's absolutely no anger or bitterness, which are probably what a lot of the kids.

Did you think that was? Because I think at the end but I'm not saying she wasn't there for you when you needed her, but that you were there for her when she needed you and that maybe that gave you some sort of peace because you were able to have time with her. And maybe that's what you needed to heal for yourself, because you're probably you're not just then you've no regrets. You're not walking away angry or bitter with it. You're I wouldn't say you've dealt with it without help.

You deal with it. Like, I definitely had a moment when she was gone because I was with her when she passed away. And what was that like?

Oh, am I?

Because I'm not sure I'd be strong enough as a person, you know, to to because it's I don't know. It's really hard.

Yeah. It's really hard to watch my nana. I'm holds a huge kind of. Value on a week and a removal. The Irish do as they do in the show, I really felt like. She was gone. Her energy was gone. I agree with you. There was nobody there, no lives.

So I agree having not like literally seen that go. Yeah, I now know that they go somewhere else. I'm not sure where it is.

Yeah, I know that you can't get energy. Never go, never dies.

Energy is something that's there forever.

I'd never seen anyone pass before. I'd never seen fully seen like, you know, a body I suppose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I went in and I seen her. In the coffin, I remember thinking, that's not, you know, my mom, yeah, and everyone kept saying, oh, she looks just like her.

No, I didn't. I have the exact same reaction and said, there's a picture mom behind her. And I went, that's my mom. And I think I've said this before on here, is that I said that, you know, when you get a beautiful gift and especially wrapped and the box is beautiful, I have things. And, you know, the presence inside my mom was the gift. And now that's gone. You're just left with the shell 100 percent.

And so I've always done this a bit of kind of it's gets me upset. And I was like, really? Kind of is that means that my mom was like, it's so amazing. There's so many of us that I think she'd done so much for us that I hope I don't know if I'm a believer, but I hope if wherever she is, even though she wasn't ill or sick, I just hope that she's happy because I don't know where she is.

It's like what you say when someone has so much love for so many people and the energy and she's so good that can't go.

Yeah, it has to go somewhere, but I don't know where that somewhere is, but I'm hoping it's somewhere good and that she's happy and it's all positive. Yeah. I think I definitely got signs from my mom now.

Rin's I believe. I believe it's. Like, I believe that, like especially with a sick body, like with cancer, I do feel like she's escaped that like I did feel like she was no longer suffering anymore.

And I remember ringing my friend Debbie straight after she died 15, 20 minutes after I came out of the room because the nurses came in and said, you mind?

We're going to we're going to make her up now and just give us a couple of minutes. And I went outside and I rang and I like I got verbal, like, just stay on the phone.

I was just like, this is what I saw. This is what I felt. And I'm never going to remember what I've just said because I can't believe what's going on right now. And this feels so surreal. But I'm just telling you everything that because I it was so fresh in my memory, I was like, I can't.

Verbal diarrhea. Yeah. And then now Debbie can repeat the conversation to me because I remember ringing her because I was like, she will she will remember this. Yeah.

And I was like, you need to you need to tell you need to remind me of this. Like, you need to tell me what I'm just saying to you now, because it is such a blur, you know, and I and, you know, we did.

We did about. Kind of conversation, and I do. Like, I'm quite a spiritual person anyway, even more so since being with my mom when she died. Absolutely. And I'm not scared to die anymore myself, are you?

No, no. The only thing now is just I don't want to leave. Why? Like, I don't feel like I would want to be there for her, but I'm not scared because I've just I've seen her go.

I've seen her seen her do it. I know I can. Yeah.

And I know that there's something else, but it's the sadness for the people left behind.

You know, it's the the thing is, is that when you try and describe it nihilistic, I think it was you are was Pippa who had said to me or someone who said to me, you're now in a club you don't want to be in because it's so strange that there's so many people in my life that I regard as family, not just friends.

And I don't actually have that many friends.

Like, I could probably count on one little over one less than two hands who my my friends are.

But it's amazing to me how we all have one thing in common is that we've all lost a parent. Yeah. You're all a lot younger than me, though.

No, but it's going to it's going to happen like death is certain, you know, and that's that is the that is the harsh reality of life and.

Like, it's just something that I'm realizing, like all the time, it's just everybody has to go through it at some point. And I think that's why something I think talking about it is so helpful because it's we it should be an open conversation.

It's not it's a taboo.

We were we were that I was going to be doing this and inviting my friends and stuff. And I never said, you know, who was going to be coming on. And people saying to me, it's death is still such a taboo subject. And it actually kind of is.

And the feedback I got from people, it was like, yes, about time. And people inundate me.

You can't reply to everyone, which I wish I could. It leads me into the next thing is that they were saying, oh, you know, I lost my dad 27 years ago.

Yeah, I still feel it there. When did you when did your mom pass?

What year? It's coming up to five years now. Five years. Can I ask when the anniversary is? Yeah. June, June.

OK, so for the last five years we're coming up to we will be two years, two years for us.

And again, so, so close isn't it's even to it's been three years between the difference has does it get any easier.

Do you handle it differently.

Have you not got a way of controlling it. Yeah. Yeah. In ways like definitely I'm better at it living my life with this.

Right. For sure boss. Yeah, like having a baby and your mom not being there as well. Yeah, you know, and not even like because it's a complicated relationship, you know. I don't know if she would have been, you know, the grandmother that was around all the time, but still her flesh and blood.

Yeah, yet still her, still her.

And that's the bit that makes me sad. And I remember saying to Dom, after my mom passed away, I would give anything for her to be alive, healthy, happy, in love somewhere, even if she said, I never wanted to see you again.

I remember thinking that I was like, because when people like, are you so happy that you had that, like the the time you do the time.

I'm like, God, but it's. Like she still lost her life. It's not really about my time with her, but it's not so kind of sad in a way. I don't mean it's probably the wrong word that you would still almost sacrifice your own love and relationship for her, just for her to be happy. Is that even though you had a difficult relationship or relationship different to the one that I had with my mom, is that you still had such loyalty, such love and respect that would much rather hard to be happy and content and have nothing to do with you.

But just for you to know she's happy. Yeah, I'm healthy.

Yeah. Because she really didn't want to pass away. She was she didn't want to go she.

Do you think because my mom didn't know my mom, you know it was so quick they told us it could have been 30 seconds. My mom was asleep. Did it ever click with your mom that she was terminally ill? I don't think she ever knew. This was there was a still a fight.

She knew the last few seconds. That was like she really, really gave it a fight. Yeah. And that's what I thought.

Yeah. But you know what? I always think she gave a gazelle right to the end. Do you know that's her way?

And I mean, I never got a chance to meet your mom, you know, but to me, she's a fighter. Right. And she loves life. But I think you're a fighter and you love life. I think you're all about life. And I think in a way, you must be very much like your mom. Do you not think?

Definitely. And I think as I as I get older, I. You're fifty seven. Yeah. And I hate that I'm that I'm older. I think I am very like I am, I'm physically like her, you know, my entire family. I'm the one who looks like I don't know but like I'm even my mannerisms.

I actually bumped into an old friend of hers there recently and she stopped me when I was talking because just the way you said that just looks exactly like your mother, you know?

So it's like and you take that.

I do like obviously when I was younger, I was so sad that she wasn't around in my life that I think I was, you know, angry and maybe didn't want to be like her.

And now but the maturity level and you're still growing up.

I got a lot of her belongings when she passed away because I'm the eldest child, so I got to really know her.

Yeah. After she passed. Right. Why? She made the decisions. She did. Yeah. I got to read a lot of her books, her diaries, all that kind of stuff. And I really discovered a lot about her after she passed away.

So I my I got to know her like really private thoughts. Yeah. After the fact. Was that a good thing or a bad thing?

I think it was really good for me to really relate to her on a like woman to woman level.

I made a deal with myself after she passed away to like when that moment when you go, I actually can't change this.

Yeah, this has happened and nothing I do is going to bring them back like I'm done. You realize it's completely out of your control.

What's in my control, how I live my life.

Yeah. And I am a different person to before and after.

Not like maybe like my heart is probably the same, but I was like, I am never going to take my health for granted again. I'm going to look after myself. I now make sure that.

I am doing what makes me happy, I make sure that I'm spending quality time with my family. Yeah, I know.

I really appreciate every single day of my life.

I know it was I like losing my mom was the most life changing thing that ever happened to me.

Even having a baby.

Really? Yeah, 100 percent. I think compared to me for being a mom, I really don't even think me becoming a mother.

Obviously, it's massively it's a massive life changing.

Life changing. But my.

I often say to somebody, I had I walked into that room when she passed away and came out like seeing the world completely different, like I literally did not look at one thing the same again and even to the point of like protecting myself, not wasting time on people who are negative, nasty, you know, like saying it like it's what is the point?

Want you to be negative myself. I agree. What is the point? I would safely say is that I have 150000 percent changed.

I think I'm softer and I'm a little bit more emotional, which I think is a good thing because I'm saying if you're feeling an emotion, I think it's better out than in whether you're angry, sad, happy.

I now love to laugh. Yeah. And I want to be around people. I've had like a real calling, you know, in my life since we lost mom two years ago with negative people are toxic people are people I tolerate is the wrong word. But I felt it was a normal relationship and then things had happened in my life since mom and part of me believes it was my mom because I do believe she is around me and she's guiding me towards the light or she's my guardian angel and I've had to stop.

Relationships with people are purely purely because I can't be around it anymore. And I described had a conversation, my friend Ravana, only this morning.

And I said, I almost feel a bit like I'm in I'm just out of rehab. And this is just my way of kind of describing it. I'm out of rehab and I can't be around those people that encouraged me to fall back into old habits.

So I don't want to be around people that are going to push me in the right direction.

I'm exactly the same. And I just want to be around people and have friendships that are good, positive, enriching relationships.

And I don't. I think, you know, life is short. Do whatever you want, do whatever your heart's dreams of. You've only got one chance.

Yeah, go for it. How fun exactly. Like you say. I totally laugh now.

And I have moments of myself and I go, that was so funny. I'm so glad.

Like, I'm so happy right now. Like I check in with myself, which I wouldn't have done before.

And I think as well. Like just kind of. I would like I think what the great thing about this podcast is, I hope that people will listen to the stories of of of the of the lessons that people learn from losing people that they love and not having to lose the person they love and learn the lesson. You know what I mean? What have you learned then?

Just like. To live life to to to its most, you know, most absolutely and to to care for yourself, to care for the people around you.

And also just like common life would like optimism.

But that's difficult, though, isn't it, that when you're in such loss and such grief, because I've always said it's each morning I wake up, she's the first person I think of.

And right before I go to sleep, I'll always think of her, you know? And what's really difficult is you have to you got to get out of bed and yet you just got to get through it. And there was the time, not when it was happen. I could count the footsteps to the bathroom in my mum's house. And I went, you know, while I made it to the bottom, had a shower, brush my teeth. And I sound so stupid.

But sometimes I almost feel like grief is like it's like a sedative or a joke you've taken. It's trying to drag you. But, you know, when people say, well, I done that because I know that's what my mom would have wanted, I'm not.

Oh, shut up.

You just done that to suit yourself? No, I get it because I remember with my fortieth I wasn't sure if I wanted to have my fortieth.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do was very close off to your it was raised. And I thought, you know what? Actually, my sisters were like, your mom's going to be on Snapchat watching she be on Instagram, watching you go to Vegas, have your fortieth birthday, have a few drinks.

Now, I had about a hundred thousand drinks that day, but here. Yeah, you know, it's like.

Yeah, yeah, life is precious, yeah, but it's also made me I now unconscious of my own mortality, which is the other way where I'm now going for to have not a baby at 42. And we're still living in L.A. and I've not been my dream home. And what are we having, baby? Oh yeah. I'm not going I want to get it all done because my mom passed when she was 61. I now have this thing in my mind.

I'm thinking or 60 wants my cutoff point, which is so silly because your mom was near to my age. You understand.

Have you questioned your what you just said you're not afraid of death?

No, I'm reading why more?

I mean, what's wrong with you know, I'm only polite here, you know, because I know only because obviously. Yes. I don't want to go right now because I have a little baby at home.

And I've also heard Burberry Mac and I'd have to take it.

I'm sorry. We're the same size. I guess you all heard it.

But I, I, I'm just I just I want to be around for as long as I can. It's not about that. And I go out of my way to make sure I'm healthy and make sure that I'm in, you know, looking after myself.

I said, you come to us in L.A. and you had me in the gym and I was like a shit. No, but I laugh. I can we just say, I think I surprised you how good it was.

Good, on the other hand, wouldn't be the best in those situations. Yeah.

No, considering he's a choreographer, bitch can't have a job for thirty seconds. So was that a reason for you.

Because we always joke and we touched on it there, you know the old pictures of me going hard. Right. We all have what you are, what you look sensational but super fit was not what you were saying is from your mom passing. Yeah. Was that gave you the kick up the arse. Absolutely.

Like I would go to the gym and I would literally say to myself, I know this is so weird, but I'd say to myself, I'm so grateful to have healthy body right now. Yeah. Like, I am so grateful to be healthy. I'm going to feed a good food. I feed it like fresh food, you know, that kind of thing.

And I just feel.

Like, don't you feel better when you eat better, totally make you feel better when you've slept better, when you've you know, when you're happier when you're so I'm just like, I'm going to give myself every tool to live a good life.

And then the rest is space. And that's just the way it is. And I can't I can't control the other stuff.

But I do I do say to Tom, I'm like, you better not die for me. I do.

I do say that to you. I do think you'd rather go first. Yeah, I can't.

I that's the one thing I am scared of.

I'm you this because if this is too personal but I always think if I go first, is he allowed to remarry.

I know you can home. I should. I've also said stay celibate for at least five, six, seven years.

There would be a big gust of wind coming through, coming through the window like, oh shit. Yeah, yeah.

And I'd be like, no, Arthur, I would do a deal with God, the devil, Gabriel the Angel to get back.

The only thing you want to ask me now is losing people I love because it's so painful. It's so painful.

But also it's that the thing we're saying about not scared of death is that because not that you were there when your mom passed without you were you were almost what you are there. Yeah.

And I almost feel a bit like the presence was there.

And it's not why you're saying, you know what, not bring it on, but like, I'm not afraid of you know, I'm not afraid because I know there's something after with it like like I would one million percent.

I'm saying this to you as somebody who's seen us, I'm not scared by it, but I.

It's that because you've seen it though. Yes. Oh. Like I was scared before.

That's right. Yeah. Hundred percent. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. OK, so you are before your mom it was like it scares me to think about us. Oh my God.

You know, I'm like OK, she's there, I'm going to go easy because losing mom to me has been on unless you know, I'm you're blessed with a beautiful daughter. We're not blessed with children just yet.

But I can imagine today to me, my mom is the greatest loss of my life. Would you still say that for yourself? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like, why do things my mom did know. Yeah. And they never met. Such as what they do thing. They stick their tongue out when they're concentrating. And my mom did us and she joins us. Yeah. And the eyes as well.

And, and even even when Wyatt was born she didn't cry and she went like the mom when she was born. She didn't cry. She was like completely silent. I like you. Hello. Yes.

You know, I know my daughter don't know my daughter very well. Yeah. That she's like, really? Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, get your shit together. She's an old soul, right?

I do think that there is like I do think souls like I like I said before, I do like I'm very I like to meditate, which like I'm like I'm all, yeah, I love this.

I'm a bit like for you know, and I mean, yes, I'm open to that.

And I also feel like I'm quite receptive of other things, like, you know, when you walk into a room and, you know, tensions happening, like I feel like I, I can you can sense someone something up towards that kind of.

Yeah. That kind of stuff. What you're saying.

So you're saying you believe in reincarnation. I don't know about reincarnation, but I definitely think that it. Well yeah. I guess I am saying that's why it is an old soul. And I think this was this is not her first time on this earth.

So I do think she's kind of come back and is you know, she's like it's very she's very comfortable here.

There's nothing brand new to her. And actually, I learn more from her, I think, than I try and teach her, but.

It gives me, I guess, the perception that I had after my mom of saying, like when I walked out of that door from the hospice room and seeing the world in a different way, having a baby lets you see the world in a different way.

But what a really positive light where I feel like grief is like dark.

Yes, very, very dark.

Where a new beginning, a new life. It just makes you it's such a lovely, joyful, happy experience. So obviously, having Wyrsch for you was a blessing. You probably didn't not that you didn't know you wanted. That sounds horrible, but a blessing for you at the right. It was a surprise.

Yeah, sure. When you needed it. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a sign. The fact. Yeah, definitely.

But also the fact. Meantime, I got you and I'm really drunk.

Yeah. Yeah that's true. That's true. That's true. But I know. I just think yeah she is, she's like she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And of course I have those moments that I'm sad that my mom is no matter. Yeah.

And, you know, I just have to be I just have to do the things that I really admired about my mom and give them to her and and show her and sad examples. And that's kind of how I try and do it.

Like we're very, you know, lost his mom when he was younger as well. So we do talk about grannies and we do talk about Nonna's and like they're their.

Spoken about as if, you know, like, oh, that's not a pretty sort that's, you know, whatever without.

Obviously, she's only a little baby, so, you know, whatever, but it's just keeping the essence of them there in the world, like with us, I think it's the way that we do us.

I'm I'm the same author. Lost his dad when he was. What age was Dom? 12, 12 afterwards. 15, 16, I think.

And so how how is Dom still coping? Because, you know, he's now much older. But have you not learned something from him?

Has he said to you or this is what I try and do? Or is this or it's grief for such an individual thing?

I think it's I think it is an individual thing. And I just know that he's very patient with me, especially at the very start, because our relationship was quite new actually, when my mom passed away.

Don't we never know. Never, never married. And we were only together a couple of months when she passed away.

And obviously, you know. And as well, with a terminal illness, there's a lot of sadness beforehand, a grief that kind of happens while it's your grieving, while this person's still alive.

So he was really patient with me. And if I got up in the middle of the night and just cried, she sat with me and didn't have to say anything or did say something.

I think it's made him more. You know, Tom's Tom's a great guy, he's very big softy, actually. He is a big softy. He's a giant, a giant, but a soft, soft giant.

And he's like, I'm hot. And let's just talk about that.

The next 20 years he is that what he is lets you be you all the versions of, you know, smart versions of yourself.

And he loves you anyway. And I think that's the best way to describe him.

And I think that's what I really helped me heal a lot as well as just kind of like, you know, like in previous relationships, I didn't want to really be me.

Maybe like I actually now I look back and I think I wasn't even myself. Yeah. Who was the man?

I was like, the guy that not me. I got it. And I am completely 100 percent myself or damn good, but all the bits in the middle and he still loves me. So I think with that he's given me the space to be me to grieve.

And if I want to talk about my mom now, you know, he just sits there any lessons and he might ask me a question or, you know, because I do feel like sometimes you need to say, you know, you might have something on your your chest and you need to get it out, you know.

And, you know, sometimes I'm like I'm having you know, I'm thinking about her a lot lately. Oh, right. OK, what do you think that's about? Or, you know, do you think it's because of this or whatever? And we just discuss that and like he comes out like the other day he was like, oh, my mom used to always make me Banafsheh.

Yeah. And I'm like, Tichy. Yeah. And I just never knew.

So he has those moments as well too. But I think it's like normalising the conversation and letting the conversation happen rather than shut down.

And I think that's that is the case therapy. Yeah. Yeah, it is though.

Because if you're if you're if you're living in an environment where you can't speak about what you're going through or if you can't verbalize and it's kept in and it eats you, even if it is something like she used to make me Banafsheh.

So just a memory. Yeah. Let's just say it because it makes it. Yeah.

I would also think that people that we've loved and we've lost need the respect. I think because I talk about my mom a lot and you know that I do and I can sit down and even relationships are friends I'm not friends with anymore.

I still talk about them in a really not.

I remember when we are just in that kind of way.

Yeah, but we I mean I do I talk about mom a lot, but I almost think that I always will, you know, and I think there is a sadness in me that I would be raging if I passed away and you didn't talk about me.

I would be I would be like, why are you telling everyone the really funny?

Like when I have a daughter, like, you know, my mom is going to go on, I want howling, I want to warm themselves up coffee. I want the girls dressing really inappropriately. I want this to be the talk of the town for years to come.

Yeah. Yeah.

You mentioned earlier and it's a funny thing because I never really I suppose because I I've lost grandparents obviously. But you always think you're going to lose a grandparent. You never think you're going to lose your parents or a parent. And I never really believed in science. Right.

So. Tell me about your signs. So many like what and what they mean to you. I didn't actually up until recently, I didn't get anything for a long time. A long time. Long time. Yeah, for a long time. Not even like my wedding day and stuff.

I was like when I was like, where where are we then? And where are you leaning? Where that.

It's always when I least expect it. And it's always a surprise and it's always right when I need something. And I got a sign there recently.

My uncle passed away a couple of days later. Yes, yes. Yes.

So I think she was preparing me for that because he passed away from cancer as well.

And it really brought up a lot of stuff.

I you know, I went to see him and it was very the same thing again, of of what that disease does to somebody. And what I can do, obviously, you know, there's great treatment and stuff now. But at that point, it's, you know, it just it just was very, kind of very sad to see another person go through that unem. So I do get that and then just like a little, you know, something like why it will remind me of her and I'm just like, Oh, I actually remember Tom saying to me before I was like, you know, I said, I'm like something that was happening.

Like, Why don't you ever get stressed, you know, like, you know you know, she's like, so like really like you're like, what is wrong? Like, nothing changes. Nothing shakes in a bad way.

And he said to me, I think it was a mom so young that that was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

And no, nothing else is ever going to be as bad. So everything is fixable. Everything was just a hurdle to overcome. Yeah.

And that's how he looks at everything. If something comes up in his business or in work or an injury or whatever, it's just like a hurdle.

So he says that to me with my sister said, oh, you know, I you know, I got to know I got rejected. I really thought I was going to get that part, whatever it might be. And he's like, that's why it's just making way for something else. And he's quite like that.

And I just think that's. That is one blessing to take from losing somebody, is it? Sometimes it makes life shifting to a really good focus of. What's really worth us, it puts you on the track maybe, or it helps you or the person guide you on the track that they're still looking out for you.

Yeah, because I've had the I've had some of the best years of my life since my mom passed away.

That's strange to say that. Yeah. It's not strange to say that. Yeah. Why do you think that is?

I think I think I think losing her was a. Just a. Kind of just got him got me onto the right path, yeah, getting me on the right path and. I just you know, I'm never like I said before, I would do anything for her to still be here, but I can't. No, you can't. None of us can't. I can't bring her back. No.

So. All I can do now is just like. Apply all of the lessons to my everyday life. That's all I can do now.

That's the only thing that I can do for her to honor her life, to make her death somewhat worthwhile, like otherwise.

It was for nothing. Nothing yet. Have you in your mind thought about that first conversation already? Like what you'll say, what you'll do? No, I haven't, actually.

I just because I'd hug my mom.

Yeah, I mean, I would I, I think that I would just hug her.

And because my mom wasn't very touched when we were younger, my mom was so tactile with us and so many of us have.

We had like three bedroom, one bathroom, like nine of us was a four bedroom, you know, wasn't four bedrooms.

We live in a mansion, I can imagine, with 66 rooms like three or four bedrooms.

And my mom wasn't. And as we got older, my mom wasn't as tactile with us. You know, we didn't hug a lot.

And I just think if I if I knew if I knew that time when I said goodbye to her, when I physically seen her, I would have hugged her. But I didn't. I just said goodbye. So I would just and I think I would ask her why.

I know that's a stupid question. Why didn't you hug me? Yeah, but I was like, why? Why did you go?

Because I almost think when we were with mom and you're buried and cremated, but the wakan all and the stakes are so draining and everyone and I'm like, get away from me. Leave me alone. She's my mom. I just so focused. But when they before they put the lid and it's I turn I turned away because I didn't want to see I don't want that to be my vision and but this I think I've said it before. This is stupid.

You're to my mom was definitely smiling now 100 percent. Hart No, I don't.

If that's what happens, you know, I don't that's part of it, you know, because we had it for four days, which is a long time in our living room.

And I remember thinking, I mean, my sister was like going, what the fuck is Sheila? Well, she got to smile about, like, making a joke about us.

It is funny because during the darkest times I had found humor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And sometimes I would deflect sadness or unconsciousness for humor because I can always go to humor. I can always crack a joke or say something. I mean my sisters were around the coffin.

We if anyone heard us they were thinking thurtell.

Yeah. They might start laughing because yeah. My mom was, was like that.

Yeah. Making jokes and I never believed in signs. And then when Arthur moved to L.A. and I was like, I felt so abandoned. I always say like, no mom, nothing like that. It was the hottest day in London.

It was so hot. It was so hot. I'd had cut my hair was really long. And I was I had to go to get paint.

And then it was an eight hour time difference.

I'm in flipflops, hadn't had a pedicure or so, and oh my God, my nails are like a disgrace if anyone sees me.

And I was trying to find paint and the painter need this paint that was back in the flat and you think I could find the paint and I was already feeling I was on the brink of going, I have no husband, I've no I'm on my own trying to sort of my own authorship are doing this.

Arthur should be getting the paint. And I'm thinking to myself, I can't. I'm on the verge.

Hottest day. I mean, oh, God, was it not like another shot? This hardware shop in London, in South London and a feather I know came from nowhere and landed on my foot.

What did you lose this didn't I kind of lost it, but I. I was kind of like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, in a way what I kind of what you know, when you see the movie, when someone gets it in the stomach and I, I kind of and you know, you go against those shelves, they kind of shake so much pate.

Yeah. Actually thought at one point I'm going, I'm get to go and meet her because I want to die here.

I told the page and people were walking around going, do you want to tighten security.

It's okay. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember I took the father and I put in my pocket.

Now we then since we rented the place and we moved, but I thought I needed it probably tells me to get your shit together Richard focus.

But I felt so like, OK, get in the paint right now, which sounds so stupid.

Just a simple task was to me I was too much because I felt so abandoned and I lost the physicality of in the fact can paint. It wasn't like that. Arthur was in a different country. My mom was gone. I'm on my own. You know, I knew I was moving to L.A. I'm trying to rent out our home. I'm trying to get the Pinewood's.

The tenant got so much going on, I just didn't have anything or have anyone.

And it was so funny because I want to see the CCTV footage of it just to see, because I always thought it's this is kind of camera.

It's a joke because my sister would go my sister, he was so she went.

No, no, she was up, guys, just walking to work together, if you're on top of common, it's a pigeon feather.

You've got to find a fucking feather. She's like, guys, I thought a feather. You're at the zoo. It's a menagerie. Of course you're going to find a fucking feather. She was on turkey farms finding feathers and collapsing and fainting bitch bitches finding feathers everywhere. We were like, if it's not a sign, you know?

And then we laughed and she goes and feather me and my sisters would be like, you need help. You need to sit down. Yeah, but that was her way.

Yeah, of course. And then there was this Robin. My mom used to feed the birds, which I was completely digital.

And then you're not supposed to feed birds because of their stomach and kill them or something. Don't say you can't feed them.

So I don't know what. My mom could have been a bird killer. I have no idea. Maybe birds were her pet hate. We didn't know. But she had that she had a thing. And she there was this Robin. Apparently, she fed all the time.

I was unaware of this. Well, this Robin this Robin has been appearing and was appearing and appearing when you wouldn't expect Robin to appear.

And they were like, it's mom. Yeah.

I don't know about this, Robin. And then I seen the Robin.

I copy this and I was like, open the window. Really slow tears my eyes, but it's really slow on.

Mom.

And if that's you, the perfect fluey Mark Kombai, more bomb, so the delusional, delusional thinking that no one right way to really stop all you want is the one little chance.

That was like a little thing that makes me cry, thinking you're here for me.

Go back to never seen the birth of God. I believe that was her.

And I believe she was saying, I've got my back. I and it was such yeah, I was a moment and I thought I was like so emotional.

I said, Mom, yeah. I was like, if I want bread. Yeah. Robin told bread at this house I flew away. Yeah. And it's so weird.

Yeah. And those Molnár the Robin wasn't going to come in. Have a good result.

Would you like to she go. Yes it's me. How are you. And I'd lay out my little Mohanned.

It's so stupid.

I, i that's the one thing I really miss and I've only ever had it once since she passed away is the sound of her voice.

Yes. I fills me with dread when I hear my.

Oh I actually dreamt did you so clear. And she said something to me and I went and I checked after and it was actually fucked. Right. What I what I happened to your dream.

You're saying in a way your mom came to. I think so.

I think so. I mean, some people are going to be like, that's not true. But that's what happened to me. And it was she told me to check something in my dream. When I woke up, I went and I checked it and it was there.

You're joking. No, I swear to God. I swear to God. And it's the only time since she's passed that I heard her voice like racketing.

You know, when you hear someone's voice you haven't heard in a long time and like hits you in the chest, you're like, oh, my God, it's their voice.

And it was definitely her voice anyway. Yeah, so and so. But I haven't heard it since I, I, I would go to bed.

I want to management Jane, but moment by moment I would never dream about my mom. That's randomly I've dreamt about her right now.

I sometimes forget what she looked like which is so silly and because of constantly seeing pictures everywhere and all that.

But even her voice. But if I heard that, I know it was her. So here's something that happened with my mom, actually, right before after she right after she passed away. My we and she was she's Barrys initially. And there is initially they put an actual photo of the person on the on the headstone.

Okay.

And it's like they they do it on the kind of like a frame and they like it's on the stone.

And we were all leaving for Italy like a couple of days. Time for your wedding or.

No, no, no. For my mom to bring my mom over. Yeah.

So we have her with us and my nana.

The only photo that we had for some reason of her was this one of her when she was obviously got in treatment for cancer.

And I hated us and I was like, no, this cannot be the one that's on our headstone. Like, we she did not want to be defined by her her illness.

Yeah, there has to be something else. And one of the last things my mom said to me when one of the last couple of days, I can't remember when was I have everything packed out.

So she was where like she and she knew there was a chance. Yeah. And she's like, I have everything worked out. It's all set aside, the photo and everything. And I said, no, mom said there was a photo. Where is the photo there? I'm not here.

We've looked through everything. There's no photo.

I've looked everywhere. The night before we went to Italy, I come across some bank statements and the black and white photo that she wanted just accidentally. Accidently, no.

The day before we went and I was like, this is I thought it was it was a photo of her from maybe her mid thirties. And it's like a portrait.

And she's kind of looking into the camera like mischievously like I don't know is I'll show you the photo after, you'll know what I mean. Yeah. And I said, this is it. This is what she's about.

You didn't know I had pics. I didn't know what you'd know. It was a comment that she referenced.

Is like because when somebody who is like, is it terminally ill, speaks to you about what they want. It's such an awkward conversation that you want to listen to them, but you also want to give them hope. You don't talk like that, you know what I mean?

Like, you're like I you know, I'm like, no, no, no. Like, stop. Like, I'm like, let's, you know, we don't know. We don't, you know, let's every chance that we're going to stay, you know what I mean? So it was such a brief conversation.

But when I saw the photo, there was just this Glenton there I am in the picture and I knew that's what she wanted.

And I was like, no, they couldn't find us. Like, bear in mind, we brought my mom to Italy probably by four weeks after she passed away. So there's four weeks of that I'm trying to find. They can't find, they can't find. And I'm like, I'm not. I am. I refuse to put this that the one that she's sick because that's not who she was.

She said by illness. I was like, there's no way I'm not having that again.

So, yeah, I just feel like it was right. Like like literally the night before we go. And I'm just like looking through a folder and there it is.

There it is. And I was like, that's exactly what she wanted.

I didn't even know. I just knew. But I just knew why. Even the expression on her face and the photo is the photo that she wanted.

And it was like her and her like prime as a woman.

You know what I remember her to be as a mother.

Like I remember that age of her, you know, kind of. You know, like like if you think mid 30s, it was like, you know, a decade before she passed away, but I knew that's what she wanted.

That was the image. Yeah. So I don't think anything. I know it's hard to believe that everything happens for a reason when you lose someone because you're like, but what is the right way to die did.

Which is, you know, horrible.

But then I feel like you can't ignore any sign. You can't. Yeah. And this is a reason 100 percent. There's a reason.

Don't you think you met Arthur for a reason. Don't you think you've met all these like, OK, don't crack a joke.

No, I'm not going to crack a joke. Well, the Arthur thing is true because Arthur, Arthur and I could have been passing ships because I'd come into a club. The reason I was in the club then I met Arthur was because normally I do a television show and we had taped the week after Christmas. Yeah, I don't go out on Friday nights because I'm on six o'clock the next morning for the show. So me and Simon went out and then Arthur was leaving the club.

Yeah, a song came on and he really liked the song and he stayed. I also liked that song and that's when you know, that's how we met. Yeah.

See, and I believe that even with Dom like so I think, you know, when you even take, like, the significant relationship in your life, like your partner, your marriage, whatever, you know, you're nothing, not everything is meant to be right.

But I know it's very difficult to have that. It's really hard to to have that like to really believe that when you've lost someone, I get lost. I totally got that. Other people can lose it for a minute.

So do you think it was always mapped out for your mum? That was I think I think no.

I think there was things that happened along her life that navigated to how it went. Yeah, I do.

I think those things that changed the path for her, but also I think.

You know, I think she definitely, definitely passed away with not regret, but I think she really was sad that she let certain things bother her.

Right. You know, and I remember her that was one of our last conversations, was, you know, the kind of stuff that she's like. What was the point that she said to me?

And that really struck at me. And now that is something I carry on, you know.

So that's a great thing, though, in such a dark, life changing, depressing times that you can take something from your mom who was terminally ill and knew the end was inevitable. That you can take that thing where she went, actually, what it was all just bullshit. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, yeah.

And she did she did say that to me. Yeah.

I think that word would die.

But dying woman to say that to you is a real kind of. You know what, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. And that was that was what happened to me for sure.

How was it I was so impressed with Nadia's attitude and her strength. She is such an empathetic understanding and supportive friend, and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.

For your gron burning next week, I talked to Nicky Barnes, who sadly lost his father in 2009. He opens up about their bond, the shock of his sudden passing and how he plans to honor them to keep our name. Now, when people stop me and say, you're dancing on my wedding day, meant to be I'm in the thousands because I mean, he was in the band for 20, 30 years, the people you're dancing with, that always happens.

But I would go, oh, you know, for all the time. He said, look, as people stop you in airports or places, supermarkets or whatever. Now I go, where was the wedding? You engage. What did he say? Of course. You remember the first dance. Yeah, I want I want to be. I want to hear it. Yeah.