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Hey, I'm Wilmer Valderrama, executive producer of the new podcast, Dave, My Abuelita, First. Each week, the incredible Viko Ortiz and fabulous Abuelita Liliana Montenegro will play matchmaker for a group of hopeful romantics. Right, Viko?


You know it. Listen to Dave, My Abuelita, First, Thursdays on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. And remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do. Just do it better.


Besitos. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Hardern Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care.


Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you that it's a primary focus of on purpose, but on a day-to-day basis, many people don't know where to turn or which tools can help. Over the past couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say, fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep, and generally feel better in your daily life. So many bite-size options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out my 7 Minute Daily series to help you live more mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On Purpose, get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm. Com/j. That's calm. Com/jay for 40% off. Calm your mind, change your life. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty. I'm so excited because today we're going to do something a little different. I'm going to share with you a conversation that I recently had where I was being interviewed that I think you're going to love.


It was with the You Up podcast. And if you're someone who's been struggling with dating, this episode is for you. If you've been struggling with an ick, this episode is for you. And if there's a friend in your life that you know would really appreciate some greater insights on dating and relationships, this episode is for them. I hope you enjoy it.


The number one health and Wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. We love a special guest.


Very special guest. One of our most popular episodes of last year, if not the most, I think.


The beloved. That's how I'm going to refer to you. The beloved Jay Shetty. Thank you for coming back on the show.


Thank you so much for having me back. We had so much fun last time, so I'm looking forward to today.


So much fun. It's great to have you. We are in awe of you and your success. I think that's something we... You came in the first time, and I don't want to be the guy. I'm a cynic on everything. I loved it. We got along, though. That's the thing. I go, I like this guy. Surprisingly well, yeah. I walked away. But you come at things in ways that I wouldn't come at them. I come at with like, I'm the gremlin hater.


The troll. I would say the more cynical male point of view. Right.


Sometimes I hear some of the... You're such a calming, positive influence that you can tell people are just happy to have you in their life. I hope so. Is that what it is, you think? They're just happy that you're the friend they'd go to when they're hung over and you'd be like, It's going to be fine. This is going to wear off. We're going to have some bacon, egg, and cheese. You'll be good.


I mean, talking about that, I remember being the sober friend early on. I was in Spain with some of my friends, and everyone was completely hammered apart from me. This is when I'd chosen to stop in drinking alcohol when I was going out. And all of my friends, I was trying to tell them that some bad stuff was going on and that we should leave this club that we were at. They were like, You're the worst friend ever. We're having the best time. You're ruining it. So I'm actually used to being that friend when everyone else is drunk. You're ruining the party. I'm ruining the party because I'm trying to protect everyone from themselves. So you don't drink? No, I I haven't drunk for years now.


How many years?


I think it would be 15 years now.


Was it not a big part of your life before?


It was a part of my life in the sense of I love drinking games. I love the competitive aspect of drinking. What game? Ring of Fire was something we played a ton of when we were kids. What's Ring of Fire? In London, I guess everyone starts drinking quite early, too. We started 14. The guys would get together. We played this game called Ring of Fire, where you have this big pitcher in the middle that's left in the middle. You all get a glass of beer each, as far as I remember this. The pitcher in the middle is surrounded by cards, playing cards laid face down, and every card has a different meaning. So when you pick up the card, you have to do a certain action. The last person to do it has to drink, or the card tells you that you have to drink first, or you have to tell a joke, and if someone doesn't laugh, then you have to drink. There's all theseThat sounds really fun. It's so good. And then every time you keep drinking more. My favorite one was there's one where the more fingers you can hold towards someone's glass of beer, the more sips that they have to take and things like that.


It's a super fun competitive game, and I'm probably explaining it badly, and Google probably did a better job.


Do you still play the game without drinking?


You know what? I've thought about that. I've really thought about how we can make that fun. But I think it was partly the fact that you get delirious after six beers.


I've never heard someone be like, I was in it for the game. If they're an AA. I can see that.


Flip cups. You want to participate. I played Flipwater with many of my pregnant friends. It's almost as fun.


That's a good way to put it.


I love sports. I love competition. I love games. Same.


I love games.


Love it. Well, everyone, go listen to Jay's podcast. On purpose, it's out. The guest list is something that you can't not acknowledge. Who's the guest that you were like, I can't believe this?


Oh, that's a great question. I'm glad we're getting into this as well. I'd love to hear your thoughts as well on who you felt that because it's- Jay Shetty.


I feel it. That was our, he's coming back? What?


Okay. I had such a great time. I want to acknowledge that when you launch a podcast, and you guys know this, when I launched or when I was coming up with the idea, it was so hard to book anyone because people had never heard of it. There was no stats, there was no data. You're trying to get someone to understand that you're going to create this safe space, and people don't get it. And so I remember that day, which was five years ago. Now, the podcast is five years old. But I want to acknowledge the first guest that made me feel that way was when Kobe Bryant came on in 2019. And that was the first year the podcast had come out. His team had reached out because his team loved what we were doing on the show, and they wanted Kobe and I to connect and meet.


His team reaches out. Explain that to Joe Ohio, who's sitting in their car in Columbus on their way to not a team.


Everyone who's in his life. So whether it's his assistant, whether it's a publicist, whether it's a different people who had a role in his creative company that he had. So employees, team members, and they'd mentioned to him that they thought it would be cool for us to connect. And so when When he reached out, that to me was huge. And to have that in year one, that was a huge honor that year that he decided to do that. So that was pretty amazing.


It's a little bit like domino. It's like, Kobe did it. He felt safe. Absolutely. Then everyone, Oh, if Kobe did it, it's a little bit like that.


Yeah. So I got to give him a lot of credit for giving that opportunity.


And since then, you've had everyone from Kendall Jenner to Michelle Obama, which is you must just be like, people you get to speak to.


I'm pinching myself all the time. I'm feeling really, really nervous walking into those rooms and while I'm preparing and I'm feeling every bit of imposter syndrome that you possibly can when you're doing this. So, yeah, I feel super grateful every day. And, yeah, it's been amazing. I mean, Kendall was, you spoke about Kendall. I think that was a really important one in our journey of the show. She came on at a time when her episode just brought so many new listeners to our universe. And I always thank her for that because it was amazing that people were like, oh, we haven't really heard her speak that much and not for that long. And I think what she shared was so powerful and insightful. That clip has gone viral like a million times of her talking about how she thinks about her younger herself, and she has a picture of herself at the mirror and some practice that she'd done with her therapist. And so I think I'm really grateful to everyone who trusts me and trusts our space and comes on because it takes a lot for that person. And I want to acknowledge that.


It's never easy to open your heart and open your mind in that way. And so, yeah, each of those people that you've mentioned have made massive shifts. Kevin Hart came on, and that was so much fun. Again, he had this amazing audiobook, which people don't know Kevin Hart for audiobooks, but his audiobook is amazing. It's called Monsters, and he talks about all the monsters that we deal with inside of our mind. It's philosophical and comedic, and he's obviously reading it. It's hilarious. Being able to dive into him from the perspective of Monsters and the Monsters he has inside of him, it's a spectacular conversation. I think all of these guests have made it easy for me, and I'm really grateful.


What do you think it is about your show that these people, again, Kendall Jenner, these aren't people aren't doing interviews constantly. What do you think it is about your show that just makes them want to do your show?


I think that all podcasts have a really unique offering. I think people go on a podcast. When I came on yours for the first time, it's because from what I'd seen and from what I was hearing from my team, everyone was like, Jay, they're going to get into stuff that no one else is going to ask you. This podcast is going to ask you questions. When you were talking about being cynical, my team had already said that, that there's going to be a version. Oh, my team is my podcast. Yeah, explain to him. My podcast producer who is a huge fan of the show. She's like, I think you're going to get asked questions that you wouldn't get asked anywhere else. And so that's exciting for me because I also don't want to have the same conversation. I want to have different conversations. That's why I came here. I think people come in on purpose because they know that there's going to be a safe space to explore depths of themselves that maybe isn't right on other platforms. I'm hoping we've created a space where people can talk about their challenges, their flaws, their imperfections, the stresses of life, the perplexities they've had with childhood trauma, their personal mental health journeys in a way that is relevant, accessible, and practical for people.


I like the perspective, and that's usually where I come to with everything I hear from you. I like the road you took because I'm looking at that and I go, you're basically, Oh, this show could open a door in my brain that I don't mind opening, but I didn't even know it was there before.




I have that with... If someone comes up to me and it's like, I have a note for you for a joke. I heard Would you do? It could be anybody. I'm like, sometimes it's an old dad who's going to tell me a Borsch Belt joke, and he's going to be exhausting. But sometimes someone Someone will say something. I don't even know what it's going to lead to me thinking or a story that I've never thought of. I understand that where you're like, Oh, I'm up for the game of, Oh, okay, where will this go? But I know it's going to be safe and a little bit.


Totally. Every podcast, I think, plays to that. If you want to show a certain part of your personality, I think there's so many podcasts to do that differently on. We're just trying to cater to this side.


To that point, I have a question, if that's okay. What do you hate?


That's so funny. We want to know if you've ever had a bad day.


I want to hear cynical Jay Shetty. I want miserable, horrible day. Who do you hate? Who do you hate? What do you hate?


When's the last time you- That's not on the list of approved questions.


Well, I want to know. I want that Jay Shetty. Because it's within us all. But was there a moment? When's the last time- Do you get triggered?


Yeah. I'll give you a bit of background because I'm not- It's not a very monk way to go.


I get it.


No. I'll give a bit of background. Anger and hatred have generally not been a part of my psychological approach because I saw a lot of it growing up. I made notes growing up going, I won't demonstrate I get angry in that way. I won't express hate to you in that way. Where did you see it growing up? I saw it in my own home, saw it in my school, saw it in my extended family. I saw it very, very up close in a very extreme form. I made a pact with that anger was not something that I was going to play with because I saw the ramifications it had with other people.


Do you think you can do that with anger? There's people out there that I'm sure I get angry. I would love to say you don't get angry and go, I guess I'm never angry anymore. I think it's more like, is it anger like a sneeze? Is it like a cough? Yeah.


No, I'm not saying getting angry is bad, and I'm not saying that we shouldn't get angry, and it's not a natural emotion. I think it's an emotion that I negotiated with very early on because I saw what it did, at least in the world that I grew up in. I've had bad days, so that.


Let's start.


You don't express them in probably the way.


Let's start.


I think if there's anything that does trigger me and does upset me, which is funny, because what I'm about to say is me breaking my own rule. But it upsets me when we don't give others the benefit of the doubt. So when I see people not giving other people the benefit of the doubt or giving them space, it triggers me. But the funny thing is that means I'm not giving that person the benefit of the doubt. So then I go, oh, great. And that's what happens. And so, of course, I'm a human. I get triggered. I get upset. I have a bad day. I think the biggest thing for me when I'm having a bad day is probably when I feel that someone in my life is being unnecessarily targeted in their own life, dealing with pain, dealing with stress, dealing with pressure, some pain is coming at them that they don't deserve, that I don't understand. And so that stuff.


Do you have an example of a time where someone in your life was getting you felt wrongfully targeted.


Or yourself.


Or yourself. Do you read things about yourself? Do you see things? Listen, we sit here- We're all on the line. We sit here and we know, and what we have to do constantly, and again, we have to... The thing that is, I think it's the worst podcast topic, and we do it all the time because it's like catnip. It's right there for you to do. Is responding feedback when 99% of it... Jay, I'm sure you get messages, You've changed my life. You probably get messages that are like, I've gotten messages that bring you to tears. You go, Oh, my God. This was me talking about my farts was not supposed to make you feel better about a death in your family. You get those messages, and you probably get 99% of those. Then you get the one. You just want to grab them and go, again, benefit of the doubt. How did you come to this such hateful space from when my goal was positive?


How do you take yourself out of it?


I think, don't you feel, though, and I will talk about it, but don't you feel, though, that over time, you've recognized that it's part of the the job. You've accepted that it's part of the job. For example, let's take Michelle Obama. We did this interview with Michelle Obama, which was a huge moment for me. Never heard of her. Yeah, huge moment for me. So grateful. Like you said, 99% of the comments are like, this This interview is incredible and everything. Then at the same time, you have a lot of people going like, why would you sit down with her because of their political beliefs? Or like, Jay, you sold out, or why would you do this? What I found is that, again, me giving that person the benefit of the doubt, that often that remark is based on something historical far before me and has pretty much very little to do with me and an expectation of me that I'll never live up to in that I'm always going to do things that's going to upset someone. And I've come to terms with that. And on the other side, I found that if you actually look at the comment section of people who've actually watched the video, the comment section is completely different.


People have actually watched the interview, listened to the words. Instead of the 30 second clip or whatever it may be, if they've watched the YouTube version, you're seeing completely transformed people, even people saying, I don't agree with the politics, but this interview helped me with this, this, this.


It even annoys me that they have to say that. It annoys me that the That person is like, Well, I usually... It's like, Oh, you must be an expert now because you were able to see beyond your own initial thoughts on someone. How could someone... I'm going to be like... Do you ever block anyone?


Yeah. So, yes, I would Yes. Stars are just like us. My personal rule is I'm happy for someone to leave any honest opinion of theirs as long as they're still following me. But if someone unfolds me and wants to leave a comment, and it's hateful, then it's hateful Then that's the comment that we're going to make.


That's your thing, too.


I think that's a fair- You don't get feedback from anyone who doesn't follow us. I'll take the feedback, but I feel like if you're saying, Jay, I had it with you. I'm unfollowing, and then you've unfollowed and you've left other hateful comments, to me, then it's like, well, we're not in the same community anymore. We're in that same space. But if someone's following me and they want to leave lots of comments that tell me feedback or things they don't like, I will leave it up there because I still consider them a part of our community.


They haven't left the conversation.


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I think of social media as my party. Yes. And if you come in, well, I block people even if they're following.


You block people just because it's Tuesday.


Right. I randomly go through.


I like this analogy with the party. I have a similar one with the house.


Well, I think of it as like, this is my party. The music's playing. You have walked in. There are people here dancing. I don't care how many. I don't care. But people are happy to be here. And you came in and go, I hate this music. Let me lead you to the door. We're going to keep the music playing, but you got to leave. You don't want to be here. It's okay. Goodbye.


So I'm okay with someone being at the party and saying, I don't like the music. They can stay. But it's the goes, I don't like the music. I'm leaving. But then they still want to have their opinion be heard in the echo.


They're yelling through the window. Hey. This is a dating podcast.


You've written a dating book, 8 Rules of Love, which was great. I read it. Amazing. If you guys haven't read it yet from our last episode, you should check it out now anywhere books are sold, I assume. You've done a lot of research on love. You wrote a whole book about it. What do you think if you look at the dating landscape now, what do you think is the biggest issue? Because there's a lot of people who are, I feel like, very frustrated with it. From our emails, a lot of women. What do you feel like is the biggest mistake people are making when they're dating?


I think the biggest mistake people are making when they're dating right now is that their list of X and turn offs are so long and so wide and so far-ranging that you may miss out on an incredible human being because they wear jewelry and and drink their matcha with a straw, whatever it is. I started following this really funny TikTok account, I think it's called guywiththelist. What he does, and I don't even know what he looks like because he actually never... I don't think he posted himself or her or them, whoever runs it. And what they do is they'll play all these found clips of people all over the Internet saying their biggest ick and turn off, and then you add his list. And his list is at 600 now with all these ridiculous things. And I know it's a bit tongue in cheek and it's a bit funny, but I do think it is that we get turned off so quickly by things that are not actually important in a relationship. I always ask people, does this make someone inept at being a good partner, or is it just something that you don't like about them?


Is it a preference? And I think that that preference versus priority conversation is huge.


Well, that's I mean, not to go to Plug City, but on my Netflix special, the opening bid is about how I'm on the dating apps and you get in front of it. The dating apps offer you a menu at a restaurant, and you're looking at it and you're going, Well, I'm not that type of person. It's not even allowing you to smell the person, be around the person, and you say, I'm not going to date a Darlene. Then if you met a Darlene in a bar that you got along with, you'd probably date a Darlene. I think the ick is a lot of time just excuses to not be vulnerable, to say no. It's easier to say no and not do the thing than it is to go into it and go, Well, I saw. Then you'd blame yourself once it didn't work out, you'd go, You should have known. They drink matcha through a straw. It's easier to do that. You beat yourself up. I think that might be the nature of, We're the Google generation. This is what we do. We look up the place before we go. We don't walk somewhere unless we Google Map, even though we've walked there.


Well, it's It seems like the issue is almost like there's too many options, right? Where you have dating 200 years ago, you're in an arranged marriage, probably. You're just set up. That doesn't seem great, right? But now it's like, if you live in a city like New York City, there's a million people, maybe, that you could possibly date. And so you're like, Well, because there's a million people here and there's an app that shows me people constantly, why would I settle for someone who drinks matcha lattes through a straw when there's just another great person out there that I could have. I think it'd be great to almost go back to that happy medium where maybe you had 10 choices, not none, not one, but not a million, maybe.


You're speaking about something in psychology, which is known as the paradox of choice, this idea that humans actually make worse choices the more choices and options that they have. And this is one of the biggest reasons why we are struggling in dating or whether the products that we purchase or whatever it may be. But I think What the key is, and I like what you're saying, this balance of having enough of a pool to decide but not unlimited. I guess what I'm getting at is someone drinking matcha through a straw doesn't define what partner they are. Whereas we like the joke that it does. Maybe that defines them in so many other ways. What I'm saying is actually look at what makes someone a good partner and a credible compatible companion for life, as opposed to- To take the other side of that, though.


The thing that we find on this podcast the thing that me as a single person deals with, when are you okay to be turned off? When do you allow yourself to say this ick is more of a, and this ick is funny, starts in funny, but it came from a place of, this is not someone I need to spend my time on. I'm a detective. I'm looking for clues. When you're out there dating, you're looking for clues to, I want to get to know that person. So the where's jewelry or sits crisscross apples on a chair, you go, That's generally a %. I'm playing the percentages now. It's easy for... Because I see this with the X stuff online, especially online. You see a lot of men, their feedback to it is like, This is why you're single. You got to look through these things. It's like, Well, this person's also allowed to go, I'm playing the numbers game here. For sure. Of what turns me on and off. If you do A, you'll probably do B, C, D, and it won't be a match for me.


If you're playing the odds, though, that means you're going to have to get through a lot of people. You need odds to play.


Yeah, exactly. You need numbers.


How long have you been with your wife, my name?


We've been together now for... It will be 11 years this year. 11 years. And married for eight this year.


She's basically your only relationship, correct?


In terms of currently, No, I mean, in terms of like, did you have other relationships before? Oh, yeah, I dated. Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I dated a ton before I became a monk, and then I was a monk. Then since I've left the Monastery, my wife's the only person that I've chosen to be with.


What's your go-to first date when you were dating?


Before? Yeah. Back in the day? I mean, I was dating in my teens, so it's like whatever you could afford, right? Like maybe you're going like, ice cream, bowling, cinema. I mean, going to the movies. Going to the movies was probably the most common date.


It's a pretty... I mean, you say this in your book, that watching a movie together, watching Netflix together.


Oh, that rubbed people a lot.


You hate that, right?


The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help Black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives, those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly, ourselves. We chat about things like what to do when a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the I iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care.


Hola, mi gente. This is Wilmer Valderrama, executive producer of the new podcast, De My Abuelita First, part of iHeartRadio's My Cultura Podcast Network. Each week, host Viko Ortiz and Abuelita Liliana Montenegro will play matchmaker for a group of hopeful romatics who are putting their trust in Abuelita to find them a date.


Your job right now is to get on Abuelita's really good site. Our Abuelita Abuelita definitely knows best. On Date My Abuelita first, three single participants will buy for a date with one lucky main dater. Except to get their heart, they have to win over Abuelita Liliana first. Hi, Liliana. Yes, we are ready for love. Through speed dating rounds, hilarious games, and Liliana's intuition, one contest will either be a step closer to getting that pan dulce, if you know what I mean, or a step closer to getting that chancaleta. Let's see if Chiespas will fly or if these singles will be sent back to the dating Listen to Date My Abolita, first on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, I was talking about this in an interview, and I think there's different responses to it. Some funny, some mad at me. But it was this idea of... I was talking about to so many couples recently, and they were just feeling like they don't feel connected. They don't feel like they're deepening their intimacy. They don't feel like their relationship is growing. I was just saying that, hey, if that's how you feel, then if the If the number one activity you do is watch a show together, but that show is not leading to an interaction, a connection, a sharing of ideas or thoughts or feelings or whatever it may be, then maybe it's because you're not doing other things together.


And what I was extending out to people was this idea that I found, even in friendships, this applies to all relationships, they get deeper and better and more intimate and more connected when you're doing other activities together. So I encouraged, obviously, experiences, experiments, getting educated together, learning about something together. When you're growing together, you feel like you're moving in the same direction. Even if you're both doing your own entrepreneurial venture, but you come back and share your notes, there's so much more we can get from love and relationships that I think we miss out on. And I empathize with it.


Do you feel like you and your wife... Because you guys are in the same industry. You guys work together.


Yeah, we don't work together professionally apart.


But if you look at your- You guys had a great Gap ad together.


Oh, yes. That was the project. That was the project. Yeah, we did that together.


It came out great. Thank you.


If you look at your social media, you guys are in the same-Yes, now we are. You're peers, you're colleagues. Absolutely. Is that helpful, the relationship? Do you ever get... Is there jealousy in that? How do you work? Because working together is great because you're communicating, you have something in common. I would imagine. What's the negative part of that?


The number one thing I hear when someone comes up to me is, Hey, Jay, I love your wife. People literally come up to me and go, Yeah, you're all right, but your wife is amazing. And I'm like, I know. And that's how our life has gone, where I make friends with people because I generally am a bit more extroverted, and I'll go make relationships. I'll introduce them to my wife, and then I'll never see that friend ever again. And they become best friends with my wife. So I'm used to that. I think- Hold on.


I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you ever have to... Sometimes there's a thing when you put out a lot of stuff into the world. Content. Content. People come up to you and they say things to you that feel pointed, like, You're okay, but I love your wife. It feels like they're trying to neg you a little bit. I can understand that.


I feel like they're trying to humble me.


Absolutely. I would feel the same way.


He doesn't get triggered by that, though.


No triggering.


I love it. I love my wife. She is amazing.


But is that how you deal with it? Do you go, Well, this is a compliment on me because look at me being with this wonderful person that they love. Do you have to do that ever? In my head? I'll let people come up to me and they'll go, Oh, man. They were just at my show. Love the charcuterie stuff you do. I'm like, And then I get mad at the other stuff I put out.


What about what you just saw?


What about the thing you just saw?


That is the exact point of mindfulness training. This is exactly-Jara doesn't meditate.


Could you tell?


Yeah, no, but this is exactly-This is my meditation talking here. This is why when we're having this conversation, it's so alien to people. And it's not because I was born without anger or hatred or any of these things. The point is that is the point of mindfulness, that when I'm hearing that my circuit board internally is going, I love my wife. I love that someone else loves my wife. This is awesome. It's brilliant. And I found that I think If I wasn't secure in who I am and what I'm doing, I think that would trigger me. And I think that's what's really interesting. I don't know if you saw this movie. I think it was on Netflix this year called Fairplay. Yes. A lot of people haven't seen it.


About the finance.


Correct. So it's based on a couple. It's a movie. This couple are madly in love. He's just proposed. They're about to get married, but they both get put up for the same promotion at work. We're at a hedge fund. Yeah, at a hedge fund. They're now competing in an ultra competitive environment for the same job. I'm not going to tell you anymore if you haven't seen it. I'm laying it up so that you watch the movie, but the movie does a great job of showing gender roles, people feeling emmasculated, the challenges that come in the bedroom because of the intimacy, everything else that goes on. So I recommend watching the movie. But I think a lot of that comes from us feeling irrelevant, insignificant, or unfocused on who we are. And I think when you feel a sense of calm and confidence about what you offer and what you don't. So I do agree that if I didn't know what I was doing for work and I didn't know who I was, then I think that stuff would really trigger me. And so I've constantly tried to work on who I am and who I want to be.


Right. I think all triggers, like you said, are come from a place of insecurity. But I mean, I feel like there's a sense of being secure in who you are, but everyone has some insecurity. Do you have any insecurities?


Yeah, absolutely. To be totally vulnerable, I think I get insecure. Okay, there's a few things. I'll dive I'm not going to get into it. One of it is I think that sometimes when I meet people, again, this is the 1%, not the 99.


We have to say that.


We have to say that.


It is so important to say.


Everyone knows that people mostly love us.


Yeah, Exactly, yeah. But sometimes I'm insecure that when I'm around someone that they're wanting me to say something wise all the time. So I have an insecurity of like, God, if I don't say something profound and wise. And in the past, I would really overthink that. I'm sure you have this for being funny. You have to be funny. So if I'm not wise in a room and you're not funny in a room, then we've lost the room, right? That feeling. So I used to carry this around.


Has it turned around now? Because I used to, someone, you haven't been very funny. I just go, Well, good luck. And then I move on from the person. I go, We are not. Now, do you change?


I used to carry that around really heavily, and I used to feel so much pressure, and I would feel stressed. And then I found I wasn't even present. And then I found I'm not even listening because now I'm trying to say the right thing. And I let go of that, and now I just act like myself. So if I'm tired, I'll be tired. If I'm exhausted, I'll be I'm exhausted. If I'm buzzing, I'll be buzzing. If I'm trying to be funny, if I'm being an evangelist, I'm just going to be because I'm just so much more comfortable in my own skin now.


I'll say it for someone to like, if you're like, hey, what do you do? And you're like, well, I do mindfulness. I was a monk, and they go, Well, I haven't had my life changed yet. For someone to react like that is such a piece of garbage.


But sometimes people are looking for it, too, right? And I think so that's one thing. And then I also get an insecurity. So I've definitely had that, and I carried that for a long time. I think that sometimes you have an insecurity of people feeling like you think you're important. So it's like you walk in a room and people assume that you think you're important or that you've bought into your own hype. Right. And so now you're trying to make sure-Prove them wrong. Prove them wrong. Make sure that everyone realizes that, No, we're cool. I'm humble. Yeah, we're all on the same page. We're cool.


You're so lucky you're not single because this is what women do to you. I'm saying women do this to you. This I'm just saying I know this as a single guy.


I think men do that, too.Of course. I used to get when I was single, Are you funny? And I'd be like, Well, it depends who you ask.


You tell me. But that's a great answer because you're not trying to appease, and that's what I found, you're not trying to appease the person, and you're also not being rude. It's just an honest answer and you're just being real. That's a very normal response.


That answer will always, I think, disarm the conversation.


It's a great answer, and you're right. It is no matter the gender. If you're single, this is what you deal with as a single because you're dealing with variables. You have people that are coming in and trying to make a move on you or be flirty or be funny and show who they are right away. So it turns into, Oh, you're not that great. You didn't have to say that. You didn't have to say I was great. I'm just here to meet you.


And that's the thing with dating. I think that you do the best when you're looking for the positive as opposed to when you're trying to almost... You come in defensive or you come in trying to make the person feel feel like you're good enough for them. And that's why people do things like that.


Well, I think so often in the dating scene, we're trying so hard to make someone like us without even knowing whether we like them. So we go into him like, Like me, like me, like me, like me. And then they like us. I'm like, wait a minute, do I even know who this person is?


And you can't know that when you're 22. That's just the thing. That is aging, too. So much of this isn't genius. It's growing up and going and being self-reflective. It takes time because I know exactly. When I was 25 starting comedy, I remember this guy sat next to me in a bar, and I said, I'm a comedian. It was the first time I ever said it. He's like, Tell me a joke. I'm like, Um, um. I take no cards. I'm like, Is this one? He's like, Well, you're going to have to work on that. I'm like, I guess you got me. I know that feeling, but 38, I would never do that.


Yeah, it's that feeling of people trying to get you. I carry that insecurity. I feel like sometimes I'm in a room and I'm like, All right, someone's just trying to get me. And that's an uncomfortable anxiety and nervousness to carry around. And I was speaking to people who are far more successful and everything else than I am. And they were saying to me, just the amount of anxiety they carry because every word they say is going to be analyzed, overanalyzed, printed, scripted, put out there for the world. And so you start, and I'm talking about people who every word that they say is the front page. Like politicians.


Or Kendall Jenner. Kendall Jenner says one thing off script that's written down.


She's apologizing it for a month.


People don't forget. You look at Kim, people never work anymore.


You start carrying a tiny bit of that, you start worrying. One of the things I was thinking about that you raised, which isn't about dating, but maybe it comes into that, was there was a time when things were really starting to take off. I've generally been someone who, despite challenges, despite things that are going wrong, I've always tried to focus on the wins and amplify the greatness and the goodness because I believe that attracts more abundance. And so I've generally been that way, and I've always been like that. What do you mean? In the sense of, for example-If you have a win, you celebrate the win. For example, I mean, is it hard doing what we all do? Of course it is. It's challenging. But I look at the things I'm grateful for far more than I'll focus on the things that are challenging because I think that's a healthier way to live or it's the way I like to live. At one point, I realized when I was doing that, I saw that a few of the people I was hanging around with, I could tell that me sharing the growth that I was having was rubbing them the wrong way.


So whenever I was with them, I would now try and be more negative to be more relatable. It was relatable, and it was an insecurity that I had because I was like, Well, I need them to feel comfortable around me, so I'm going to start saying things that are going wrong so that they do realize my life is hard and bad and all the rest of it. I started really just getting into my own negativity cycle because now I'd opened a that I didn't used to open before.


Well, I think a lot of single people can relate to that. It's like you get a dating win and go back to your other single friends, and they're not as happy about it as you are.


It's like a silent race, it feels. It's like a silent race. It feels like.


It's so hard because you love that person. You don't want to agitate someone. You don't want to trigger someone. At the same time, you want to share this thing that you're going through and you're experiencing, not in an egotistic way, but in a sharing of the heart way. I think it's tough. Anyway, I'm laying out all my insecurities to you.


No, this is the exclusive right here. No, I have tons. It's hard, I would assume, because people come to you for answers. You give them answers that are very concrete and said very well and something that they can go repeat to themselves in those times of their own insecurities, are the things that you... Where do you look to? Do you have a person that you look? What podcast are you listening to?


I definitely feel like I grew up on a lot of Oprah, which is huge and very inspiring. So it's a big fan. But I think for me, there's two things I look to. One thing is I just love studying humans. I love observing people, people online, people's lives. I read a ton of biographies. I watch biopics. If you watch the David Beckham documentary that just came out on Netflix. I haven't seen it.


Everyone loves it.


Highly recommend it. And it's like I grew up following him, and so I knew or everything that was in the documentary. But it was just this feeling of like, I love studying a human's journey and how at one point he was completely villainised in the country and people hated him because he got sent off in a massive World Cup game all the way through to he's one of the most adored icons of all time. You get to see that.


It is a great time to cry, to switch off, and to really say, I'll eat and drink anything I want. It's game over. I'm with you.


Because you said there's a lot of pressure to feel a lot of my learning comes from studying, researching and watching patterns and people and human behavior. That's what I get a buzz off. When you're watching people who There's a lot of pressure to feel, I'm sure, to be the most Zen friendly.


No, I'm just looking over while I'm- Do you ever have to be like someone like, This is actually my sacred time. I don't want to- No, it's more like while I'm catching up and selling Sunset and the person next to me going, Does Jay Shetty watch selling Sunset? It's that feeling of like, Oh, God, I'm going to get judged for what I'm watching now. It's that feeling of like, Please don't judge me.


Well, this is so great. We're happy you're a Foss, friend of the show. Foss. Foss. Foss. Foss. That sounds better. Fots. Fots are... I always... A friend of the pod, Fottp, something like that. It keeps getting worse. We write to edit. Listen, I will say, being in the room with you, you do have this filling energy to you. Do people say that to you a lot?


I don't know. It's like a star power.


It's a star power. The X-Pactor. Breath of fresh air. I love it. Everyone, listen to Jay's podcast. Go follow Jay, if you don't already.Read the book.Read the book. Read the book.It's all there. He's fantastic. I'm Jared Fried. We're here every Wednesday and Sunday with solving your dating needs. And we did it again.


We did it again. We'll be back on Wednesday. Bye.


If you love this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall Jenner on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing your inner child.


You could be reading something that someone is saying about you and being like, That is so unfair because that's not who I am. And that really gets to me sometimes.


But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like, But I know who I am. Why does anything else matter?


On his new podcast, 6 Degrees with Kevin Bacon, join Kevin for inspiring conversations with his friends and fellow celebrities who are working to make a difference in the world, like actor Mark Ruffalo.


I found myself moving upstate in the middle of this fracking fight, and I'm trying to raise kids there, and my neighbor is willing to poison my water.


Listen to 6 Degrees with Kevin Bacon on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.


Listen to Comeback Stories. I'm Darren Waller. You might know me as a tight-in for the New York Giants, or some of you might know me from my story of struggling with and beating addiction to become a pro-world tight-in.


With me, I have my friend and co-host, Donnie Starkens, who is a yoga instructor and a personal development coach.


Catch us every week on Comeback Stories on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.