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See you on the inside. Hey, everyone, welcome back to you on purpose and our annual episode with the one and only Rathi Cachexia. We do this every single year, the first ever episode on the podcast on the 14th of February twenty nineteen was Rubby. We did our one year celebration with Ravi and this is now our two year celebration with Ravi. The podcast is now officially two years old.

That's amazing. But also, I thought no one could keep my seat warm for me.

So, I mean, and the thing is, I'm like probably the person that's been on the podcast the most. I thought maybe I'd have like some of my favorite snacks here, but I can bring my own tea, didn't I?

This is your house. That's a big minty denies is your House and the Senate.

covid is yours and you do own this stuff.

And if you bring it for me, I'm so excited to be here. And yeah, I don't know what we're going to speak about, but I'm very excited.

Yeah. So I didn't I don't plan these. What we do is we ask my team friends, people we know, people we don't know to come up with questions that we can discuss. And that's what we're going to do today. We think 2020 was an incredible year for relationships and the challenges they brought with that. So we want to dive in today about how we tried to navigate 2020. And as always, these conversations are completely raw and open and vulnerable where we're sharing with you our mistakes, the things we got wrong, the things we learn, the things we got right.

We're sharing all of it in this conversation. So I really, really hope that you enjoy this one. As do I.

So let's go well, shall we start with the first question that I have from our team is, what do you find hardest about love? Relationship with love, I don't know, like whether it's okay if I was actually thinking about this this morning, when I think about coming and speaking here, speaking here, coming, speaking to you, and I was thinking about how, you know, a lot of the time when you end up feeling annoyed at your partner or irritated in some way or whether they really annoy.

You know, I actually actually made me realize that a lot of the time, they say, ends up being a reflection of you. When I think about what ends up like when we have, like, petty arguments or whatever it is, I feel like it's actually because it hits a sore point of me realizing that it's it's my whatever we're arguing about how I'm reacting. It's my weakness. And I know the time that stubbornness. And so I feel like whenever we I think that's quite that's quite a difficult thing when it comes to relationships or love.

Is that the other person? Because you spend so much time with them and because, you know, they know you better than anybody else, that they end up being a reflection of actually you. So every time you end up having interactions with them on that, great actually, a lot of the time you can sit there and be like maybe that had a lot more to do with me, how I reacted rather than the other person. But sometimes it's them, too.

That's really good. That's a really good answer. I think that's such a good point. I think what I'm saying is I agree with that. So I would say that answer the question. Yeah, I would I would second that. And to give another answer, to give a different answer, I also feel the hardest thing in a relationship is you're always projecting your strengths onto the other person's weaknesses. So you want the other person to be more like you when you really think about it.

You don't like the other person for not being like you. But when you say things like, I'll give an example that I'm super organized, disciplined, live by the schedule on time. Yeah. So sometimes in our relationship, I think I've wanted you to be like me and do things like me. And when I've really sat with that and really thought with, I realized actually I don't want you to be like me because I love you for not being me.

And the things that you bring to this relationship, whether it's spontaneity, whether it's being fresh, whether it's being always alive, like that's the strength. And I think what we do in relationships is we dampen our partners strengths instead of amplifying them. Yeah. And what that does is it makes your partner feel like they have to do something different or be something different. But actually, if you amplify their strengths, which is the part you love anyway.

Yeah. You're going to have a much more fulfilling and exciting relationship. So I think that I find that hard because I think we all live in our heart surgery and we think the way we think is the way what do you want to do tomorrow? And you're like, well, I kind of have a nine to five like six schedule ready to go for the next six months. And I'm like, oh, so you don't want to go shopping with me or you don't want to go till I get some plans.

And yeah, no, I agree. And I feel like it's you know, it also helps to try and correct in the same way. I think it can also help the other person tighten up on that area of their life too. Like, OK, cool, you may be super organised and I may be not very organized at all, but at the same time we can find like a good middle ground when we're together, even though it's a strength.

In some ways every cent ends up being a weakness in some way too. So I think it helps, you know, kind of balance it out as well and help the other person notice when they need to probably change a little bit.

Absolutely. OK, second question is, how did your relationship change in 2020?

How do I kind of feel like this felt like our first year of marriage? Because we. Well, no, not probably. We have not spent as much time together in a whole entire relationship. And so I kind of feel like for me, it felt like we were on our honeymoon type feel where we just got married and we were learning so much more about each other. But but then we ended up. Yeah. Just just really understanding one another and settling into each other a lot better than we probably even have for the past.

How many years we've been married, like three years with married for nearly five years. But it feels like one year. But yeah, no, I think it really made us it really helped us understand each other better. It helped us get into a rhythm together, which I don't feel like we ever really had a rhythm together. And so I think it's actually changed in like I can't think of any ways that it's changed in a negative way or anything, that it's improved our relationship through figuring a lot of stuff out.

But it's definitely got to a point now where I'm like, oh, wow, this that whole year was definitely a good jump or a good step up for us.

Yeah, I'd have to say one of my favorite things was it was the first year where we started doing a lot of physical activity together because we always going like travel together or something like that. But it was the first year we started actually working out and exercising. Yeah. So we used to go on hikes up Griffiths Park and then Runyon and then we'd go on walks and just so many opportunities to be in nature together because we weren't going to the gym and then we were doing in-home workouts together with a virtual workout and we'd put our playlist on with that song that you do.

Yeah, the Dems. That's the song of Twenty Twenty for me.

And we and I just think that we were forced to just spend so much time together, but we actually found ways to do things we enjoyed together.

I think we actually realized that we were spending time together in the wrong ways before. Like, I feel like that's what it made us realize, that we thought going shopping together we're going to watch a movie together was like and sitting and watching a movie together where the ways that we would be spending time together. And then we realized that actually we just really enjoyed doing whether it's like normal things, like working out. But it feels so much more fun for us than sitting there and doing something that I feel I don't know.

And I'd explain it. But yeah, like something that where we're not talking or we're not interacting. And the focus is. Somewhere else, where is this it's like you're completely focused on the activity, completely focused on the other person, and it was just so much more fun to do that stuff together, even if it is just like working out and or going for a walk or whatever is. But it felt so much more interactive and like so much more fun.

Yeah.

And for everyone who is listening and watching, this was the year that Rodney and I've spent the most actual time together since we've been married. Yeah. And since we were dating because I'm always travelling. She's back home in London. Sometimes she's travelling. And for us to be in this space together, we had to focus on learning about each other even more. So it was a big change for us. Yeah. And like Randy said, I think the same.

I think it just brought about positives for us, thankfully. And, you know, we were a lot closer this year.

Yeah. And I do think it's also because we I don't feel like it felt natural, but at the same time, it was natural because we were both very aware and intentional of how we were interacting with the other person because of how bad is gone in the past. I feel like we have been able to use all of those mistakes that we made where we were really trying to figure out a way for it to be better. Like we both had the intention of making it better, whether it was a quarantine, whether it was Kovar, whatever it was that like.

I feel like we've gone through so many times where we tried and it may be like we still wouldn't understand each other. We were like, no, this time we both actually really want to intentionally make an effort to have conversations that we maybe don't have to resolve things in a way that we don't normally resolve things. And so, yeah, I think I think that that's also important because it wasn't just like, oh, this was nice. Like it just happened this way.

I feel like it was definitely something we thought about and tried as well to do.

Other question for you. What is like OK, for example, you know, in a relationship when one person asked the other person to do something and I always think about this with you because you always, regardless of when I ask you to do something, no matter if you're like, let's say something simple, like we're both sitting watching something and I'm literally like you, oh, I really want this. And like, I haven't even asked you to do it, but you literally get up and you'll go and do it for me.

Or like, I'll ask you to go get something and you're like, you won't even flinch and you'll go out of your way to do it. And actually I was thinking about it and like, that seems like such a small thing, but I actually feel like it's not because a lot of the time where even if it's with your mom or dad, whatever, I said, oh, do I really have to go and get it? Like you just go do it yourself.

But you, I feel, have generally always been like that. And so I was just going to ask you, because I think it would be help for other people, too, and helpful for me. Like what goes through your mind when even if I'm being really irritating or being a brat, like what makes you just continually do that without, like, moaning?

The first thing that goes through reminds us that your brother. Yeah. You are closer to that. Like right now there's a water container right now. Yeah. Why are you asking me to do this. That's the first thing that goes through. Yes. And then my monkman comes in and. I feel like that's there's two sides to it. First of all, I know you're not asking me because you're trying to make my life difficult. You're doing it because you want to be loved that way.

And America and and I think that when you realize if you're in a loving, trusting relationship, you start realizing that your partner's requests, even if they seem unreasonable and irrational. A lot of the time that's just how you want to be loved in that moment.

And when you see it in that way, yeah, you go, yeah, of course, I want to love you in that way because you're not doing it to hurt me, because I know you love me. You're not doing it to upset me. You're obviously not doing it to irritate me. So then the only reason you could be doing that is because you need some love right now and you need love in that way, or you need connection in that way, or you need intimacy in that way.

And so you're asking for it because it's a request for love. And I think we think of request for love is like, oh, give me a hug or I need to talk to you. We think of those things. But actually it's the day to day moments in the small things where someone saying, please love me, please see me, please show up for me, please bring me a snack, please bring me a snack. And I think we mistake that language because we think, oh, that person's being so irritable, so demanding, so demanding, and maybe they are.

And that's something that you have to check for yourself. So if you are that person, rather, then then you have to check for yourself whether it is demanding and stubborn or whether it is a request for love. Yeah. For yourself. But I've made it in my mind that I believe you love me and see if I believe you love me, then I should believe that this is you asking for love. And so.

But if I didn't believe you love me and I then it would be so annoying, then it'd be really annoying. And so it doesn't mean that I don't have that thought.

It doesn't mean that I don't get internally frustrated with you for a second. And then straight after that this kicks in and that walks me through it. And I think when people sometimes say to me like, oh well, haven't you got it all figured out? I'm like, no, the first thought is never the thought that has it all figured out. The first thought is always, oh gosh, whatever, whatever, whatever. Yeah, it's the second thought it's alive.

It's taking that time to have that second thought rather than reacting to the verse. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's the deal. That's great. Thank you. I've always wanted that. I have actually. And I don't know about you, but I've been dreaming about sipping a tropical smoothie with one of those little umbrella toothpicks on a beach somewhere, colder weather listeners, I promise. I'm not complaining as it's not that cold in L.A., but a smoothie on a beach is not a reality right now. So I will stick to making a delicious smoothie every morning in my own kitchen with four stigmatic plant based protein for Stigmatic specializes in nutrient dense, elevated essentials that help us live healthier lives.

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And our listeners get 10 percent off your first month with the discount code purpose. Get started today. I'd better help H-E Alpay dot com forward slash purpose. There's no shame in asking for help. So this question came in from our team, it says, tell me about a time where you think we've made a compromise and how did it work out? I'm going to go first.

I know the first thing you're going to say is I don't believe in compromises and relationships.

You know, Rizzo said that that's exactly what I was going to say, is that as soon as I hear the word compromise, I have a I have a very interesting relationship with the word compromise because I believe that compromise makes you feel that both of you are giving up something you want for something you both don't want, which doesn't make any sense. Repeat that. Repeat the rewind has a good point going. Have a have a moment. So so I have a really interesting relationship with the word compromise because I don't understand what compromise means is that you're both giving up something you both want for something both of you don't want that sort of compromises.

So it feels like one person is getting what they want and the other person is not getting what they want. That's what a compromise is. Where is what I have tried to live by and our relationship is I want you to get what you want and I want to get what I want. Now, if that doesn't mesh all the time or if that doesn't connect all the time, then the only thing that's being compromised is this false view that we should always feel the same way about everything.

And I think that just makes that actually makes space for resentment. It makes space for bitterness. It's almost like think about this. Everyone who's listening and watching, think about this for a moment. Imagine I gave up what I wanted to do all the time to be where they wanted me to be. Mm hmm. I'm going to be feeling upset. I'm going to be thinking I should be doing this or I could be doing this. And then you develop bitterness towards the other person where you can't even respect and appreciate them.

And if you were always dragged to what I'm doing, you may be thinking, well, I could be doing this or I could be doing that. And what ends up happening is I feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together. You actually end up you actually end up moving further away.

You actually end up moving further away by forcing yourself to be together. Yes. When actually you could move closer together by allowing yourselves to have that space. So that's my relationship with the word compromise.

That is very true. I agree with what you've said and we've spoken about that a few times. But no, no, no. Together we spoken about that a few times together. And I like the way you think I do compromise. Yeah. I never actually I agree with you. I think we've both given each other, not giving each other, but we've both been very happy for the other person to live freely, to do what they want to do and without pressure of being like, OK, cool, it's my friend's birthday, for example.

And if you're not interested in coming, I'm not that interested in coming with you. It's not like, oh my gosh, but you have to come like we're a couple. We can't go places without one another like Misaki. Cool. Like you don't need to go. And we understand that too is that it's going to be boring for you. Like you don't need to come with me. And we're very good at making it quite clear if something is important to us, whether it's family stuff, whether it's whatever, say, okay, cool, you don't come to this family thing.

But I would really appreciate it if you could make some time and come here. You know that the person loves you. And so if they if you make it explicitly clear what's valuable to you and they still don't feel and you still don't feel heard by them, then that's one thing. But like, if I know that you love me and you know what's important to me, I feel like you always know when you need to show up. And if, for example, you haven't and I may not have communicated it to you, if I tell you afterwards, it's always like, oh, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea that's how you felt. And so, yeah, I think it's important one like letting the other person know what is of value to you and whether it's actually that important now being like, oh, come with me. And the person says no. And then you're like, oh OK, fine. Like it's, it doesn't have to be like that. It can be. Oh but please I really, I like this is really important to me.

If they are saying no it's not because they're trying to hurt you is because they maybe genuinely have something that's more important to go to or to do.

Yeah. And I think you're right that you that's a really good point because you expect the other person to read your mind and to know why it should be important to you and that like you should know, this is important. Yeah, but but the truth is that in every relationship, like no one knows until you explain to them. And I think in our love relationships and our romantic even in our friendships. Yeah. We just expect everyone to fully know what we value.

Yeah.

It's like with even with family, for example, just if someone is really close to their family, you expect in your mind that they realize that that's an important thing. But if, for example, that person is not that close to their family, in their mind, it's always my uncle's birthday. Come to my uncle's birthday and you're like, I don't even get my. But generally, someone else might be like, oh, I won't even go to my own uncle's birthday because I'm not that close to them.

So I think it's like you are expecting the other person to live how you live and how you have your relationships or how you value things. And it's an unfair expectation because people have been through so many different things in life for that not to be the case. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That makes a lot of sense. Awesome. All right. Next question on the list. Next up is we both have such hectic schedules in life and lots of work going on and all our commitments.

How do we find time to spend time alone and time with each other?

I guess I like to have so many members of my family members always like. But does he have time to spend with you? Like, do you guys have time? That was speaking to one of my family friends the other day. And you're just like, are you sure you guys spend time with each other? I was like, yeah, we love them together, but I can understand why people may think that. But yeah, you know, I don't feel like we've ever really felt I feel like even if we've had the moments where we've had like months apart, we do make an effort that when we are together, we've especially we especially recently within the past year or two years, which you say you say two years we've started doing.

Yeah, we started doing a thing where we make sure that we have at least the weekend that we spend together. And sometimes that's more time that you spend together, even if you are seeing someone every single day for like a month because it's condensed time, it's intentional and it's with the sole purpose to spend time together and communicate and be together in a meaningful way. So, yeah, we definitely make that time, but it's also because we choose to do that.

Yeah, I think we both thankfully gravitate towards quality time versus quantity of time. And so we'll both be like, well, if we're both tired today, we'd rather not force ourselves to try and spend time together and give each other space or give each other time to decompress. And this weekend will make sure we spend time together rather than the artificial force of like today. We had to spend time together because we promised or we said we would. And it's like but maybe we're both not got the right energy right now and we haven't got that presence right now.

And so I think it's a mutual understanding. At the same time, I feel like, you know, there have been different parts in our relationship.

Like I remember when we lived in New York, we probably didn't spend a lot of quality time together because the only time I had off was the weekends. And I was busy working sometimes, too.

And you were doing your courses and your work on the weekends. And so I spent a ton of my weekends alone. And you spent a ton of your weekend days. And if you think back, that's that was the pattern of our life for two years.

And then there was travel to London and everywhere.

So I was going and I think through all of that, it was always just about savoring those moments. It was about really cherishing and realizing that we were in a building phase. And so I want to address something here actually that I think will be really interesting for people is I talk a lot about like the five cycles of life that we all go through.

So we have learn, experiment, perform, struggle, thrive. And so these like different stages you go through every year. And when we were in New York, we were in a build phase of our life like we were both building. We just got married. I'd literally just started my career. You were discovering your career? We were in a build phase. Yeah. And I think when you expect a lot from your partner, when you're both building, it can be really demanding.

But now we're at a stage in our life where certain things we're performing in, where I've got a bit of a rhythm and a role. And so I'm able to give more time. And you're in this different stage in your life. And I feel like when you start looking at your life as stages. Yeah. As opposed to, like, everything that was going to be forever. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it can't be that way. And I think there's a great book, there's actually a really good book on this by Gary Chapman, and I think it's called The Four Seasons of Love of the Four Seasons of Marriage and Relationships.

And it talks about how is yours is your relationship right now in the season of summer, winter, spring or autumn? Now, when I think about this, I think that we always want our relationship to be in summer in the sense that it's hot.

Yeah, it's passionate. It's cool. It's like everything's good about summer, right. We all look forward to summer. But maybe your relationship is at a point in life right now as this book says, that your relationship might be in winter. It's going for a dark period, a cold period where you just got to stick it out together. When I think about New York. Yeah, when I think about us in New York, it was a bit of winter and spring and autumn is like where you got to let go and you got to shed.

And I think about when we first started dating, there were moments where our relationship was in autumn.

Yeah, well, we were just letting things go and purging and removing energy. So I just I think that books are a great model and that reflection that I've had for a while, that your life goes through stages and seasons and stop trying to make every day and every week summer.

Yeah, I really love that. Yeah. And my listeners know that I'm a big fan of fresh starts in this new year. I've made a commitment to play this year. I'm playing more tennis. I'm engaging with friends even at a distance and just laughing more in addition to playing laughter. Feeling clean and fresh is part of my self care routine. So join me and start fresh with some self care and fresh sense from native native aluminum. Free deodorant is a great and great smelling addition to your 20 21 self care routine.

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His premium membership that's blankest spelled the end Kirsti dot com forward slash Jay to get twenty five percent off and a seven day free trial blankest dot com forward slash Jay. This is an interesting question, what film or TV show do you think offers the best example of a healthy relationship? Oh, my gosh, it's such a good question. I automatically, in my mind, go to this is us, because some of my favorite shows ever. I've never seen you.

Never seen it, but it's so good. And we love Krissie, our good friend, love Crecy. But they were actually really lovely examples of couples who, like, make it through stuff in that, whether it's like the main couple, I'm sure to be honest, most people have probably seen it is just the odd one out. But yeah, the main mum and dad. And then there's Sterling was his name Sterling Brown? Sterling the actor probably.

Yeah, I think that's something Sterling was selling something on there. Who I mean, but their relationship is amazing because they go through so many ups and downs, but they're so good at communication. And I feel like that's a very good show to show very different types of relationships. Even Chris's relationship with her partner, her husband on the show, they're all so different in relationships and the way they communicate, but they show very good. Yeah, very, very realistic and and useful relationships, I feel.

Yeah.

This is a good I actually struggle with this question because I think I don't watch a lot of TV shows, but I do watch a lot of movies. And I think growing up I had a really unhealthy view of love because of movies. It's so true. So I grew up watching Bollywood movies a lot and I remember thinking that that's what would look like.

Yeah, like a flower comes up in the middle when two people are about to kiss. Yeah, they do.

In Bollywood, like you're all like dancing around and like there's all this in a field. There's this piece. Yeah.

And like music playing when you fall in and they're running towards you in slow motion and my head naturally falls like this and you're coming towards me and then it cuts because they don't show anything else in Bollywood films. Yeah. Back in the day.

And so. So that's what you I grew up with unhealthy projections of love. Yeah. And the thing that comes to mind when I'm thinking about this, apart from the last dance Michael Jordan documentary, which doesn't show marriage, but shows like Love in a Team and camaraderie and collaboration, I'll try and find a bit more of a I actually think the happy place, the good place, because I was good at the good plays. I think the Christian Bale's character, Eleanor and her relationship with OCD, like the way it shows relationship dynamics, is really interesting about like what is a good relationship, what is support, what is friendship like?

I think it answers a lot of deeper questions.

Yeah, this is such a good show.

It's such a great show. I'm enjoying it so much. And we came to a late but but we're loving it. Yeah. And I just think it has so many good messages. I'd have to go with that.

OK, so this is us and happy place. Yeah. No. Is it the good place. Place. Yeah I call it the happy and yeah I'm going back to what the shows I grew up in. I grew up on The O.C. from Desperate Housewives. Both not good, good examples of relationship ideas and and friends you grew up on. Which again would you get. I wouldn't say it's like the best relationship stuff is just comedy and yeah. Movies mess you up.

OK, it's an interesting question. Have you ever experienced doubt in our relationship and how do you express doubt? Excuse me, sorry, jet lag is your vergos, that one? No, I this is my life, guys. I have been waking up extremely early and so this is nearing my bedtime now. Have I experienced doubt? I'm trying to think I'm sure I did by the beginning and then, like, you know, just before getting married and like, everything's like a bit confusing.

And there's just so much going on because the wedding and then you're like, oh, my God, I have to get married to this man. I know. I know. I know. I think I think probably just I guess just at the beginning when everything was so up in the air because like, you know, as I'm sure in most cultures, but in all cultures, like the man should have a job and the marriage should be the breadwinner and like which is not.

You should have no. Which is not true. But and he should have everything figured out before you get into a relationship with that person, like everything should already be set before you even think about marriage. And we really didn't have that. And so I think probably the beginning. But I was so lucky because my mom and dad really were just so OK that I naturally feel doubts can come into your mind when other people gain your mind. But I think I was quite sure.

I felt like I felt like straight away, I knew I had a connection with you. I knew that your values and the person that you were, I just knew would be able to grow so deeply together. And that's really what I was focusing on. And then I was so lucky that the rest of everything else fell into place. But and I'm so grateful for that. But I knew that the cool thing that I wanted in the relationship was there for us to grow deeper in our spiritual lives together.

And that was the main focus for me. And then. Yeah, and then we started having fun on the oh, he is fun. Like, he's just. No, just like a teacher and like just so deep. But you also was so fun and it all the things that I maybe hadn't thought about was important to me. Slowly started coming. I was like, oh, that is really important to me. Gosh, I didn't realize at the beginning that that's what I wanted.

But yes, the doubt was definitely was definitely like taken away by me constantly going back to the fact that I wanted to be in that relationship with you for that reason.

And yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good, honest answer. Yeah. I think I think my only doubt was always and it's funny because it's so hard to express this because I remember it was really funny when your family had mentioned this to you and it was like, are you sure he's not going to run back and be a man?

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And it's so interesting because my only doubt in our relationship previously, not any more had ever been the. Should I have been alone? Yes. My dad was never like you or another person or if you were the right person. Yeah, it's always been it's either you or me being alone.

And and I think that comes from me loving being alone and spending too much time alone. And I think there was a part of our relationship where because I was spending long periods on my own, yeah, I always considered that. And I and I had the consideration of like, oh, is this what I'm meant to be doing? Like, should I have done this? Like I and I think a big part of my doubt came from a came from a bit of sadness that I was like, oh, am I taking her away from her family?

Am I taking her? You did her dreams. Am I taking like that was when my doubt of should I have been alone came from was oh no, maybe I'm like for my pursuing of my purpose, which I'm really dedicated to. Am I taking her away? That was when my doubt came from that. Am I so selfish that maybe I should be doing my purpose alone? Why should I drag someone else on my journey?

And I actually think in the beginning I probably felt that way, too. Like I when we went to New York, it definitely felt like compromising because I felt like the only thing I really had at that time in my life that I truly valued and felt I was very concrete in was my family. And that's what my whole life revolved around. And so I guess at the beginning, because I hadn't matured in my thoughts of of what this relationship was, I did feel like that.

And I and I remember in my mind, it felt like, well, we have to go back to my family to do this because you've taken me away anyway, like you've taken me to New York. And so now we have to do this because I want to do this. So we have to like you need to do this for me because we've done this for you. But but I but I definitely now looking back, I realize actually it was all so much more like so I don't feel that way at all anymore.

But I can. Yeah, I can. I can relate. I probably had those feelings a little by the beginning that you you're probably feeling from me now.

It's good. Yeah. I think these are great conversations to have. And what's interesting about these conversations though is that sometimes you don't have them in the moment.

Yeah, but he doesn't. But that can if you don't monitor that, well, that could end up breaking something. Definitely. And we're lucky that it didn't. I feel like it could have the if I had and if if I then didn't choose to like figure out what was going on with me and I was projecting that all on you and making it feel like it was it was the issue was our relationship or the issue was you. But really it was me having a lack of awareness of myself that I had to I had to do that.

Otherwise, I think I would have constantly kept blaming on that and constantly felt that way.

And I have so much admiration for you and respect for you because of that, because I think that it's so easy. I was always trying to compensate and helping when I could.

But I feel like you doing that is what made our relationship so strong, is that you've just really worked hard on the last few years of finding yourself. Discovering yourself what? And you've tried a lot of things.

Yeah, it's not been easy.

And, you know, I feel like I found my thing when I was 18 and I've been doing it for 15 years. And it's funny for me to think that because a lot of people online are like O.J., you've only been doing this online for like three or four years. I've been doing this for fifteen years.

But for you, I've watched you since we've met, which was, you know, sorry, since we've been together, which is, what, nearly eight years now. And I've seen you like try this try that experiment with this. And actually, it's been really amazing. Why don't you tell people about how you feel, your journeys being of discovering your real passion? Because I think people see you now and you've got your amazing YouTube channel and your Instagram page.

And yes, you've always had this energy that everyone loves you for and that I fell in love with before. But the way you're expressing it now has definitely evolved, right?

Yeah, definitely. To be honest, I feel like I had no idea what I was doing till till the beginning of or like what March last year when all of this started happening. And it was the first time I had to literally sit there and be like, oh, crap, I have no excuse of, oh, I can't do this because I have to go with Jay travelling like I can't start my own thing because, you know, I'm never really in the country and it's really difficult.

I just want to focus on what Jay has and it's just there to support him. And I realize as much as that was true and I did when I do that, it was probably a big covering for me, not wanting to actually figure out what I wanted to do because everything just felt so scary to start something. And yeah, it just kind of stripped all of that away where I was like, no, I have to fill my days with something that was meaningful and and figure out what that is to me and how that looks to me.

And so I just started and yeah, I definitely tried so many different ways and different things, whether it was like I made a what I did a website during that time. And, you know, it's on the best website, but it's like the website that I started off with in a. So much effort into I did like 100 recipes within, well, a couple of months because I really focused on it and it just showed me, because I was such a person that I would start something.

And as soon as I felt a little bit overwhelming or even felt like it was getting good or succeeding in some way, I'd be like, oh, my gosh, that means I have to take another step forward and I'm not sure I want to do that. OK, let's just shut it down and go somewhere else and do something else. And I realize that pattern that I had. And so I was really determined to not do that with this because I almost like getting my own way of being a failure in my mind, being a failure, because I choose to not take the next step, not because anything else comes in my way, but because the fear of the next step would always scare me, scare me enough to not want to take it.

And so it was really amazing, actually. I was like just looking at myself from an outside perspective. And I was like, oh my gosh, I never, ever thought she could do this. Like, I never thought I could do that. I never thought I would actually still be making recipes I thought was like something I do for a month and then get bored and come over to to keep adding onto this website anymore. But yeah. And then and then I did my decided to try my YouTube thing which oh my gosh.

Took so long to actually stop because of fear again pushing me away from it. But I just I mean you've always been so amazing and supportive in that constantly, like you see everything happening for me before I even dream about it. And I think it's just been so nice because whenever I've had doubts, you've been so amazing at helping me through them practically where it's either it's in like a supportive way of just love, but a lot of the time it's really taking the time to have the conversation with me.

And I avoid the conversations. And you're like, OK, what do you need to do next? Like, what is it? And I don't want to talk about it right now. I haven't figured it out and I just don't want to speak about it. But you constantly would help, like, push me through because you saw that was coming from a place of fear, not because I actually didn't want to. And I think that's really important, too.

It's like I know with a lot of your stuff, like 90 percent of the time, you don't necessarily need to speak to me about it. But there are certain times that you do want to discuss things and visus like I obviously like this. I obviously need you to input in a lot more of my stuff because I feel like you've done a lot of the things that I've done and I really appreciate your advice for it. But I think there is so much of the support being in so many different ways throughout the times that I needed it.

And yeah, I just, I don't know how I did how I got here, but I'm really happy that I did it. I'm so happy because I never expected myself to do that ever. And I just genuinely feel for everybody else that's listening to this that I was like, that's where my spontaneity that can be a strength and ended up being something that was such a weakness for me in the areas where I wanted to commit to something. And yeah, I just I honest and I'm not just saying this genuinely, if I can ask my mom, she will tell you if I can do it.

I 100 percent know that other people can whatever it is that you love doing, just try out and. Yeah, if I can do it. Oh my gosh, you can definitely do it. But enough about me.

What I genuinely love about the way you're doing it, though, is that even though you have become more organized and disciplined and focused to figure this out, you haven't lost who you are. Yeah, I think that's the hardest part. And I love seeing that. And you like each and every video, the amount of effort you put in. I know the amount of effort that goes behind the scenes when you're about to launch a video and like your nerves and your excitement and you just want to make everything so wonderful for everyone.

And I love that. I love that even though you've become organized and focused and disciplined and all those things that you've had to learn, that you haven't lost yourself in it, because I think that's possible, too. So I love watching it and it makes me really happy. And what you were just seeing at the end, you know, there's there's an old relationship rule of like don't keep the score. And it's been said for many, many years of like don't keep score in a relationship.

But often score feels like, oh, I did this favor, what did someone else do? And what I realized is that score should not be kept energetically. And so what I mean by that is I really feel that you carry the relationship sometimes emotionally. And so I may be carrying it mentally, but you're carrying it emotionally. And so if you're only looking at the mental score, I'll be going like, oh, well, I'm doing everything.

Why are you not doing anything mentally? Like, you're not planning you're not doing this.

But that's because I'm only measuring it on my scorecard. And I think it's so important to be like, well, there are so many different scorecards. There's so physical, financial, mental, emotional, spiritual. There are five scorecards. First of all, it should be a scorecard.

No, but it is five types of affair in a relationship. And you're only ever looking at the one you give.

It's also useful to think of in that way, like saying there's no school clause. But I think it's useful because I think naturally we all have tendencies to want to be. The hero or they want to be the person that like, oh, but I've done this and I've done that, and so actually looking at it in that way allows you to see where your strength is in your scorecard, but then realize hopefully where the other person is also controversial.

So I think yeah, but yeah, that's that's really a good way of putting. I've never thought of it in that way.

Yeah, no, I've thought about that so many times. I think whenever I've been in that position of like, oh I'm doing so much for this relationship. And, and I do think there are times when I feel like, like, yeah, I'm doing this. And then you stop and you're like. That's just stupid. There are so many levels you carry the relationship totally and and I encourage everyone to do that with their partner is just really look at like where are you carrying the relationship and where are they carrying the relationship?

And I promise you that someone in your relationship is carrying something. Yeah. And if they're not carrying anything, then sure, that's that's not a great relationship. But I think there are so many relationship where we miss what someone's doing.

I think that really stops you from and actually having I didn't think of it in that way. But whenever I do think about when I'm irritated at something or when I feel that way, thinking about it in, go away. And sometimes I have thought about it in that way. It makes you really not be selfish. Like a lot of times if you feel that way, you can end up stopping yourself from continuing to do that or continuing to be the person carrying this section.

But I think when you think of it as these other four areas that could the other person may be helping in or carrying, it stops you from limiting yourself and what you can give and realizing that actually I could be giving everything in this category. And that's OK, because he's giving everything in this category. And I don't want that category, so I'm good for him to handle that. And so, yeah, I think like one that just reminds me of all this stuff I always get, like when I pick up cooking stuff or I'll get them just being like, you know, deserve a cook for you to do this for you.

And I'm like, no. And it doesn't irritate me at all because I don't like doing fine and stuff like it may be such a cliche of like how, you know, I like being in the kitchen, but it's out of choice. Like, I love being in the not because you're a woman, it's not because I'm a woman. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like sometimes those days are like some days I'll be like someone was you'll be like, oh, someone's come to our house.

And again, this is her work area and some people don't even know what I'm doing. And, um, and we both love I open my office, which is where we are now. Yeah. And then when we get a kitchen I and this is Ravis office and I don't mean it in a condescending way, but it's actually her office. Yeah. That's where you experiment with recipes and. Yeah, exactly. All right. Couple more questions.

Go on then.

This is a good one. When are you most scared to be vulnerable with your partner?

When are you most scared to be vulnerable? Like what are you scared of? Like being really honest and open, I'm thinking. Good questions, peeps. Yeah, really good questions, I forgot to tell you. Thanks. Very vulnerable.

When do I feel most when instead of being vulnerable with your partner, I'm going. No legs, no. Sometimes when you know, like if I'm supposed if you've already given me advice on something and then like I'm kind of asking for, like again and I'm like really confused about something again. And you're really nice about it. But sometimes I feel like it's I know you're going to tell me something that I don't necessarily want to hear, because you've already told me before.

And I necessarily want you to give me the answer, because I know you're right. That makes me really annoyed because sometimes I don't feel I being vulnerable about how I'm feeling because I know the answer you're going to give and that I don't want to hear it.

So what do I need to be to help you be more vulnerable? No, I think it's more me. No, no, no, I think it is this is very much just me. Hey, it's me just wanting to be stubborn and know when I need to be right. I'm not allowed to say that's the thing that you're saying. I'm not allowed to say these reflect. That's what I feel most vulnerable is I'm not allowed to repeat something that she said that makes me look good.

I feel most I'm trying to be I think the time I feel most vulnerable is like when I spent a lot of money, something if I've just bought like a really expensive suit.

Oh, you don't want to tell me. I've just bought an expensive seat for, like an awards ceremony because he knows he's got a good wife.

Yeah. So I get scared of being like, yeah, this is a circus because I'm worried and what do I always have?

That's a case for your work. Yeah. Every time I see in my mind, I always feel work. It's fine. I know you're nice about it.

I think I think it's a silly thing just because of upbringing. Yeah. It's not you. It's not you at all.

Like when you want to play PlayStation and you pretend like it's like a work meeting with your partner, and that's when really you just don't play PlayStation together. But you're like it's for work. And I'm like, yeah, it's just because you want to play another one, you're giving way too many.

Well, OK, so we're on to the final two segments.

I can just fill in the blank and final five. OK, are you ready?

I'm ready.

OK, I feel most supported by my partner when he brings me snacks, when I don't even ask for them, that never happens.

Right know now, I promise, that's my answer, you go, I feel most supported by my partner when I bring you up for no, I mean, that's a firm.

But we like this fruit cocktail when he's eating it like a little baby because his mom used to do it for him when he was younger. And when he goes back every single time, his mom cut his foot up into a little bow and he has a little assortment of fruit bow every day. And he said, you know, I really love it when my fruits come up. So that's what they're doing. I got fruit midday halfway through my work.

I haven't had it today. I'm sitting there tying up fruit for this king over here and cut out for it.

Makes him makes him feel supported by my honest answer is going to be when my partner is present with me, like when I feel like you're really fully OK.

I've got a great commitment means are you really crying like not crying. Exposed to commitment means commitment means like showing up in different ways for one another when the time is right.

Hmm. Knowing knowing when it's your time to show up and knowing when is that time show up.

And commitment means mutual love boundaries, agreements, connection like when it's mutually mediated that you create a plan together you create boundaries, together you create expectations together. That's what commitment means. And then you honor those totally.

OK, next one conflict can bring conflict, can bring deeper love.

I was going to say something like that. No, you weren't. I was. No you.

When you chose boxier conflict, Imbruvica saying conflict can bring really good like make up meals. Like whenever we make a woman, let's go get some like Cocoa Butter Creamery ice cream. Is that really. That's what we haven't had it for so long because we haven't had to make up. We had many fights lately. Pick one now. So we need to say so then we get cabala. OK, continue. OK, final five. These are one word or one sentence.

OK, yeah. Stop. Give me such long answers.

OK, what's one thing you recently discovered about yourself that surprised you.

That I can commit to things and just maintain it. That I'm, that I actually enjoy. I always knew this but I guess I forgot it. I love exercising with sport. I just play more sport.

You stop forcing myself to that level.

OK, what about our relationship?

Makes you feel powerful though, both on the same page. Like a lot of the time I'm like, oh, I like this. And you're like, oh me too. I'm oh OK. Like even if small or big things like we are very much so on the same page. And even if we're not, we're both kind of OK with coming to an agreement that we both like.

That's my goal. My answer is you always trust me when the chips are down, you trust me even when things are not working out. Yeah. Externally, I that makes me feel really confident and strong. I'm glad.

OK, just don't use my chips, OK. What do you think our relationship will be like by our fiftieth anniversary.

Oh Lord I didn't choose this. What do I think. I think the better question is how will we celebrate our fiftieth wedding anniversary in my mind.

So is that with my family, with our family, we'd have a really nice fiftieth celebration with the whole family all together on holiday somewhere.

Sounds great. That's my son's great kids would be like just us two on a beach with a tennis court and cut fruit. Never had it today.

All right. Two last questions. What about your partner? Have you grown to love that? You initially disliked that.

I initially disliked handcuffing. Could you give us. No, I can't think of many things I dislike. Try to think of what I like about you.

I think it was your life, your lack of organization or whatever. Like initially that really irked me. And then now I'm just like, but that's what lets you be spontaneous. Like that's what lets your ever freshness come out. And if you became all of that thing, then you can't, you know, not saying that you can't be organized like you are organized now and you have become. But I mean, if you became an organizational rigid beast, then you lose that.

You lose part of that.

So I think mind for you is probably just like your general way of thinking was not something that I was used to.

That's true. That's a good one. That's a really good one. Whether it was the quality versus quantity amount of time, because I was not used to that, whether it was. Yeah, you were just general way of thinking where I used to be like, oh, well, maybe I don't do that. But then I realized actually is a really good way of thinking. And even though I used to, like, scare me to think like that because I felt like I was getting rid of a lot of my old, like, habits and ways of thinking, now I've actually become quite fond of it.

OK, next, I love the fifth and final question of the whole interview. What's the funniest thing that's happened to be the funniest thing that's ever happened to both of us?

I was going to say I was going to say that go on one week, two weeks or months ago, someone put us up on this installment code sibling rivalry. And what this page does is that it puts up pictures of siblings or couples and asks people to vote, whether they're siblings or or couples.

And they posted a picture of us. And I think 60 percent said sibling siblings and 40 percent said a couple, probably 40 percent. You know who we are. And it's really funny because all the awkward pictures on that page, all siblings, I say, yeah, yeah. So it's yeah, that's probably one of the funniest things that is really funny.

That was a good laugh. That was a good laugh.

I can think of another one to go on. I remember when we were traveling to someone's birthday or something when we first started dating and we got lost in the mix while I was going to say no, this is literally where I went back to.

You know, I was thinking of when we were oh yeah, that's what I was. We were going somewhere and it was a countryside. And then somehow when we drove into like a barn or like field area and I was so scared. And that was the first time that I was in a very scary situation with you. And it was the time I realized, like, how you will always be and always have been since the like my dad has always been this person for me.

So it was so cool because you literally took on that role of like you were so calm. You even even when you're scared. Even when I was even if my dad was so scared, he would never, ever show he was scared and he always have me. I would never feel scared because he was never scared. And, you know, I got a glimpse of that with you.

Another oh, my God, I was so scared. I know.

But you did so good that day. Yeah, that was funny and funny now. Not funny then. Yeah. Yeah. And that's everyone. Quick five done photoplay final five as always. Thank you so much. Thanks so much for all the amazing questions.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Make sure you go and subscribe to Ravis YouTube channel.

Follow our second buggie and love you.

Yeah, go and check out all the new videos she's posting every single week and they're the most fun. She's my favorite YouTube. I have her on, you know, ten million notifications on and thank you for always being our annual special guest. Next time I think I expect some sort of a price. OK, or gift. Cool or trophy.

OK, or snacks. OK, I'll pick one of one of the above. OK, but yes, thank you. It was so wonderful and I really thought the questions were great. Yeah.

I really enjoyed this one. I think we went really deep with talked about doubts. We talked about insecurities, vulnerability for OK.

Right. That's it guys. Thank you. Thank you very much.

See you next time on Getti on Purpose podcast. Hey, guys, this is Jay again, just a few more quick things before you leave. I know we try to focus on the good every day, and I want to make that easier for you. Would you like to get a short email from me every week that gives you an extra dose of positivity? Weekly Wisdom is my newsletter. Write down whatever's on my mind that I think may uplift your week.

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This podcast was produced by Dust Light Productions, our executive producer from Dust lt is Moesha Usif. Our senior producer is Julianna Bradley. Our associate producer is Jacqueline Castillo. Valentino Rivera is our engineer. Our music is from Blue Dot Sessions and special thanks to Rachel Garcia, the dust like development and operations coordinator.