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I'm Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, host of the Psychology podcast and founder of the center for Human Potential. If you like on purpose with Jay Shetty, I think you'll enjoy the Psychology podcast where we explore the depths of human potential. In each episode, I talk with inspiring scientists, thinkers, and other self actualized individuals who give you a greater understanding of yourself, others, and the world we live in. Our aim is to help you live a fuller, more meaningful life. Listen to the psychology podcast on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.


There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which is fantastic.


I mean, we all want to be.


More present and self aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to actually be mindful in your day to day life. That's where calm comes in. I've been working with calm for a.


Few years now with the goal of.


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How long you've known someone does not define how deeply you know them. So often I find that the people who are closest are sometimes the most distant because they're scared or blocked by fear of judgment to share how they truly feel. The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty J Shetty the one, the only J Shetty hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose. Welcome to on purpose of 2024. I am so happy with the incredible listening, viewing, sharing insights that you're pouring into social media. And it's been phenomenal for me to see your response to our new branding, our new logo. I hope that you love it. We wanted to create something natural and organic that really brought to life what we uncover here, which is for each and every one of you who give me your precious time every week to feel seen, heard and understood. Thank you so much for all the reviews on Apple and on Spotify. I read them regularly and they genuinely touch my heart and move my heart and I just want to say thank you. I appreciate you deeply. I have been spending the first couple of weeks at the ashram that I trained at during my time as a monk in India.


And it has been a beautiful time for me to go deeper, for me to immerse, for me to truly absorb the energy that I want for the rest of the year to give to all of you, to share with all of you. I was here with Radhi, then she had to leave. I was here with some friends. And it allowed me to make space in my mind and heart, to have the reflections and the realizations that allow me to give through on purpose. And today I want to share with you and talk to you about the five types of relationships we need in our life and how to let go and make space for the ones that no longer serve us in 2024. Relationships are at the heart of our effectiveness, our performance, our habits, our conditioning, our trauma. And we often don't take an audit of our relationships. We don't often think about them deeply, or if we do, we do so in a crisis. Right? We wait for something to go completely wrong to think about how to improve our relationships. This podcast is for you. If you want your relationships in 2024 to uplift you and you want to uplift others.


If you want your relationships to be ones that bring you energy, not drain you energy, this podcast is for you. So share this with someone who's also been trying to create community, someone who's been trying to figure out ways of building deeper bonds and deeper relationships. If you want to go beyond the shallow, this is the episode for you. Now I'm going to break this down as the five types of relationships we need. The first one is belonging. We need to feel a sense of connectedness to others and a sense of belonging, that we're a part of a group, that we're not alone, that we're part of a community. And I think this is true for all of us. Right? We really crave being a part of a group of people who make us realize that we have similar challenges, similar problems. We're going through similar things in our lives. We feel a sense of the ability to focus on the fact that we're.


Not the exception, but we are having.


A similar life experience to others. And that's hope giving for us. There's a study that shares that when humans feel they belong, it tends to create inner harmony and balance. Research has shown that feeling part of a group can lead to better mental and physical health. For instance, individuals who feel a sense of belonging experience fewer negative emotions, such as sadness, loneliness, anger, and grief. And I'm sure we're all listening to that saying, jay, I want that. And I think we often think of, like, I need friends and I want people around me. But the word belonging is a really interesting word because we don't often use it right. We don't often say, I really wish I had a sense of belonging. Or maybe you do and you're already getting it right. But when you look at the definition of the word belonging, it often refers to to be a member of a group or organization and to have a right or usual place. And what I like about the idea of being a member is that we can practically think about it. What communities are we a member of? What organization or group do we subscribe to?


Do we have a sense of identity that comes from our belonging? And it's really that identity part that makes the difference. Do we feel that part of identity is inspired by a group of thinking? I really want you to focus in 2024 on recognizing what groups, what communities do you need to invest more in? Is it groups and communities that exist out there? Is it a group and community you need to build? I want to give you an example, and I think this may resonate with many of you. I have been a part of several groups since I was young, and recently I was thinking about a lot of my male friends. And when I've had one to one conversations or I've spoken to other men in my community, I often am exposed.


To their challenges and issues.


And I notice that as a group, we may be struggling to heal, that there are certain traumas individually that are now being experienced collectively. But there has been a nostalgic, historic friendship, but it hasn't translated into an intimacy and trust. Now there's the trust of, hey, we can do things together, we can build things together.


But there isn't the trust of I need to look at some of the.


Things that are broken within me. There's the focus of, we want to.


Build outside of ourselves, but we don't.


Want to build what's broken inside of ourselves. There's the energy of let's go and do things and create things together, but.


There isn't a sense of, I need.


To spend some time becoming and being. And so I was thinking about this. One of the things that I want to do to create belonging is I want to create a men's group with some of my friends that I grew up with. And I want to invite therapists and coaches and guides and teachers to come in and facilitate sessions for us, not only so that we can do our own healing, but so that we can deepen our relationships with each other. It's normal. It doesn't matter how long you've known someone, how long you've known someone does not define how deeply you know them. You may know their mannerisms, you may know their reactions, but the depth of their heart. So often I find that the people who are closest are sometimes the most distant because they're scared or blocked by fear of judgment to share how they truly feel. And I'm sure you can relate to that, that you want to share something with your friend, but you know you can't because you're scared of the shame, the guilt, the potential judgment. And it's not that you think that person thinks wrong of you, but there's a part of you that judges yourself.


And so to me, I really believe that. I always want to live by Gandhi's words of being the change I want to see in the world and creating an environment where me and my male friends can have a safe space to feel secure, to open up, to share our challenges in a place that isn't based on judgment. If you share your heart and you.


Feel judged, do you open or close up?


If you share your heart and you.


Feel judged, do you open up again? If you share your heart and the other person uses that information against you in the future, does it mean you'll.


Have a relationship with them in the future? So I want you to think about belonging as beyond, like, oh, yeah, I go to that thing, oh, yeah, I know that look for the real need in your group, the need in your community. What are people starving of? What are people unfulfilled by? And where is that coming from? And how can you introduce that sense of belonging? Belonging isn't just about hanging out and supporting the same football team, and that's an important part of it. But there's a greater depth to it that I think we're all searching for. Do you need to start that book club? Do you need to start that podcast club? What are you going to do to sit there and discuss this and say, hey, what are we going to start for our community? I shared with you what I want to do for mine. What are you going to do for yours? So there's a sense of belonging. It's a relationship that's really important in our lives. The next one is legacy. Now, legacy often is something people think about, like what will happen when I die and I'm no longer here, and what will be my legacy.


And really, legacy is about feeling connected to something bigger do we have relationships that make us feel that we're all connected to something bigger? Belonging is we're all connected more deeply, we're all connected more deeper. But legacy is we're all connected to something bigger.


Now, when I was in London at.


The start of the year, just before I came to India, I reached out to some of my friends and people who've been incredible guests on the podcast. Some of them could come, some of them couldn't. And I organized a dinner in London where we sat down and we answered three questions. So these were people in the wellness space, people who I think are having an impact in the world, people who are transforming other people's lives through their skill sets and what they know. And I'll even share with you what I called it. I said, this is the message I sent to them. I said, community has been the most important pillar in my life. I'm sure you've experienced that, too, especially communities that are dedicated to creating change, inspiring people, and helping others. I'm grateful for the work you do in the world and thought it might be nice to be together with more purposeful people to celebrate growth, exchange ideas, and hopefully leave with new friends. I really hope you can make it. And then it said the address and the time and all the rest of it. And what was really interesting for me is that a lot of these people aren't people that I've spent that much time offline with.


I'm friendly with them, but we're not friends yet. They're people I've sat with on a podcast and had an exhilarating conversation. But we don't have a deep offline relationship. So I set up this dinner. Around 75% of the people could come because they were in town and some other people couldn't come. There were some of people that you recognize and some other people that are discovering their voice and finding their way and building their platform.


And everyone came for a dinner.


And what was really, really beautiful about the dinner is we focused on three questions. And by the way, like I said, none of us had really had many deep offline conversations before. So, three questions. The first question was, what has been your biggest personal or professional win of 2023?


The second question was, what has been.


Your biggest challenge, personally or professionally, of 2023? And the third question, how can the people at this table help you? What support can they offer you?


I honestly was mind blown. I was completely in awe of this.


Wonderful group of people who I believe are leaving an incredible legacy in that room. I felt connected to something bigger. Because each one of those people has dedicated their life and work towards helping people physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.


And each person openly shared their flaws.


Their challenges, their mistakes, their roadblocks, things.


They were coming up against, and opened.


Themselves up in front of a group of people that externally all have, of course, incredible lives. But there was so much trust in the room. Sometimes we go so insular with the belonging of our friends that we miss out on legacy relationships.


Who in your life would you love.


To spend more time with because you think you share the same legacy, even if you don't have the same belonging? It may be someone from a different spiritual group, a different yoga class, a different fitness perspective, a different friend circle, but having just one dinner with them. And honestly, I was so happy. I did it because I was going back and forth, because I was worried. I was like, if I set this dinner up, is everyone going to think I have some agenda or there's something I want to promote? Because I wasn't. It wasn't about that. It was truly about deep relationships. And I'm so glad I did it because I got so many responses saying, jay, that was one of the best dinners I've ever been to, and I'm feeling so connected to that community now. And it's a legacy community. I know that each one of those people is inspiring me by the way they live. And again, like I said, these aren't the people I'm seeing every week. They're not the people I'm speaking to every day. But now we actually have a Whatsapp group to stay connected throughout the year, which I love.


So connected to something bigger.


I'm Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, host of the Psychology podcast and founder of the center for Human Potential. If you like, on purpose with Jay Shetty, I think you'll enjoy the psychology podcast, where we explore the depths of human potential. In each episode, I talk with inspiring scientists, thinkers, and other self actualized individuals who give you a greater understanding of yourself, others, and the world we live in. Our aim is to help you live a fuller, more meaningful life. Listen to the psychology podcast on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.


The third one, independence, a relationship with ourself, autonomy and personal usefulness.


Our relationship with ourselves is a really important relationship in 2024. A sense of autonomy, a sense of feeling like I have value. I know what my use is, and the biggest question I would ask you to ask yourself or ask your friends is not what do I need to do in 2024?


But who am I becoming in 2024?


I find that we put so much effort into doing and thinking about what to do. We're like, I want to do this thing, and I want to do that thing, and I want to do this thing. And all of a sudden, we're so lost in doing that. We don't like who we're becoming or we start doing and we fail, and then we don't like who we're becoming.


Who you want to become is the.


Most important question you'll ever answer. I want to become someone who uses all my skills, all my gifts, all my abilities in the service of others. I want to live an abundant life. I want to become an abundant person who wants to share whatever I receive.


With everyone I meet.


That is the person I want to become. And for that, I want to be fully abundant. I want to be fully open. I want to be fully magnetic and attracting so that I can serve and share and give more. I want to be that person. That's who I'm becoming. And if I think about that through, I want to do a podcast, I want to do a book, I want to do this. Then we get so lost in the doing that we often lose the drive or lose the impetus from where that first came. So I'm always reminding myself who I'm.


Becoming, because if I like who I'm.


Becoming, I'm going to keep going. But if I don't like who I'm becoming, that's when I'm going to allow stress, anxiety, depression to rule me. Because if I don't like who I'm becoming, that's what's making me feel discouraged. So I want you to ask yourself, who do you want to become? Who are you becoming and what is that independent, autonomous path that you're building and trying to take?


Because you know that that's going to.


Lead to your higher self. What is that independent desire that you have of who you want to become? Often we're being and becoming everything that everyone wants us to become. I'm sure you've experienced that. You have to be disciplined for your kids. You have to be organized for your partner. You have to be all these things for everyone else. You have to be focused for your boss.


Who do you want to become and.


How do you want to take that into work, take that into your life? Because guess what? If you're happy with who you're becoming and then you're taking that energy into the workplace, I promise you it will illuminate your world in a way that nothing else will.


If you know who you want to.


Become and you demonstrate and share and radiate that energy everywhere you go, you'll actually never be asked to be anything else. That's what I've realized. We only get asked to become things that we don't want because we're not.


Sharing the deepest parts of ourselves.


If you don't share who you are, people will tell you who they want you to be. Let me say that again.


I hope that hit if you don't share who you are, people will expect you to be who they want you to be.


Who are you becoming? Who are you growing into? I think we all want to feel a sense of autonomy, right? And we don't always get that at work. We don't get that autonomy. Sometimes we are being micromanaged or whatever it may be, but the autonomy isn't what we do. The autonomy is in who we are and how we do it and why we do it. We get so wrapped up in I do, therefore I am. We get so wrapped up in that our occupation is our life, that our title defines us. When you say to someone, who are you? Oh, I'm an accountant. I graduated from this place. I'm from this place.


But who are you and who are you becoming? Who are you becoming? The fourth type of relationship we need.


In 2024 is the safety relationships. This may actually only be one or.


Two people, the people that bring stability.


And security into our life. Now, these people may not be the people that we belong within a group. They may not be our legacy partners. They may not, of course, be the independents. They're the people that we feel the deepest and safest with. You only need one person in your.


Life to do this with, and you.


Want to invest in that one person.


In a deep way.


There's some beautiful research that I read about on, and it talked about.


How the researcher named Zach started out.


Looking at morality and thought that oxytocin might be an element in morality. He focused on trust as a more tangible element to study. He and his colleagues carried out research to understand how the human brain determines when to trust someone and when not to trust someone. How many of you have dealt with this before? Right? Participants took part in the trust game designed to study individuals propensity to be trusting and to be trustworthy. In his experiments, participants oxytocin levels were monitored throughout the study. The researchers found that when participants felt they were trusted, their brains responded by producing oxytocin. When participants shown increased levels of trust, their brain produced even more oxytocin. Most significant, however, was the finding that the rise in oxytocin levels resulted in participants'behaviour being more trustworthy. The researchers conclude that people who feel trusted become more trustworthy as a result of increased oxytocin levels in their brains. Zach calls this oxytocin the trust molecule. Now he goes on to say there are differences in brain activity depending on whether people trust conditionally or unconditionally. If people trust each other based on certain conditions being met, like delivering a project on timekeeping or keeping commitments, the brain's reward centers activates.


Unconditional trust activates the septal area. Some very recent study, he says, has found a darker side to oxytocin and one that leaders in HR need to be cognizant of. The research from Northwestern University in the USA found that it can increase emotional pain. Oxytocin seems to be the reason stressful social situations, like having a bullying boss or extreme stress in a team, have an impact long after they occur and can trigger fear and anxiety long past the event. This is because the hormone strengthens the social memory in a specific region of a brain. Now, the reason I'm sharing that with you is this idea that we want to build trust. But trust is built over time. And trust is not only built over time, it's built over depth of experience. And the way I look at trust is, do I know someone 360? Have I spent time with people in 360 degree varying situations? If I have not, then I don't really fully trust that person. So have I seen them happy? Have I seen them excited? Have I seen them stressed? Have I seen them angry? I can actually give you a list of emotions that will help you understand whether you fully trust someone.


Now, that doesn't mean you go make them angry to see if you trust them when they're angry. But the point is, you're always building trust, like little building blocks, rather than this black and white idea of I trust you or I don't trust you. So you want to almost say, have I seen this person happy? Have I seen this person excited? Have I seen this person nervous? And it's not that you're deciding whether you trust them or not, you're actually creating what is known as specific trust. The idea of I trust you in this set of circumstances, and that's a healthier way to live because we don't feel let down, we don't feel undervalued, we don't feel misled or misguided by this person. But we actually feel elated by recognizing, I know when to trust this person. I'm aware of when to trust this person. I really want you to think about who are the people in your life. And like I said, you only need one or two of these people. That's your midnight friend. The friend you know you can call at midnight, connect with them, talk to each other, share your pains.


The friend you can call at midnight, and they will drive to you and turn up. The person you can call at midnight and share that. And you don't abuse it. And you don't abuse it with each other either. And I just want you to really reflect on which relationships you want to invest in more. I think we think about our relationships just always being there. And I think about relationships as plants in a garden. If you don't water a certain relationship, it will die, it will wither, it will not have any flowers, it won't have any fruits. But if you're watering a part of your garden, it will grow, it will be lush, it will be abundant. So for you, what is that? Where is that?


Who is that?


And finally, we need relationships that are based on surrender and service. Who are we serving? Who are we taking care of? I remember in the monastery, we'd always talk about this idea of 20% seniors, 20% juniors, and 60% peers. This idea that 20% of your time is serving senior people, 20% of your time is taking care of junior people, and 60% of your time is spent with your peers sharing this energy. And so if you look at the five things that I've shared, I've tried to make it that way. The belonging may include you to guides and teachers who uplift you. The surrender may be that energy where you're giving out. And then the legacy, the independence and the safety is what you need. So you can notice how that 2060 rule breaks down. And I want you to remember that 2060% of your time with people who are guiding you, 60% of your time with people who are peers with you who you feel uplifted by and you uplift, and then 20% of time with people you're serving, people you're giving to. You always want to be a teacher and a student at the same time.


It creates humility and it creates proactivity. 2060 rule I want you to remember this rule when you're building your relationships. I actually want you to list who you see every week, who you see every month. And I want you to figure out who sits in which category and whichever category you have a weakness in or a deficiency in. It's not about sitting there and going, oh, I don't have anyone in my life to guide me, or I don't have anyone in my life to share. Go and find them. Go and build them. Go and create them. And if you were really following along well, this five step model spells bliss, belonging, legacy, independence, safety, and surrender in 2024, I want you to experience bliss. I want you to experience so much belonging. I want you to feel connected to a legacy. I want you to experience independence. I want you to have safety and security, and I want you to feel the benefits of surrender and service. Who are you helping? Who are you reaching out to? Our cultures become so much about no one reaches out to me. No one helps me. Who are we reaching out to?


Who are we lending a helping hand to? I know you are. I know our community is made up of all of you who want to.


Make an impact on the world, and.


I want you to keep discovering that. Thank you so much for listening to on purpose. I hope this episode helps you deeply this year and transforms your relationships, knowing who to let go of and who to grow with. Sending you so much love. With all my love and gratitude, thank you for listening to on purpose. Leave a review if you can follow us on social media. Share the episodes and I can't wait for you to listen to your next episode.


If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.


My fears are only going to continue to show me what I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears, the more that I feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining wisdom, and I just want to keep doing that.


I'm Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, host of the Psychology podcast and founder of the center for Human Potential. If you like on purpose with Jay Shetty, I think you'll enjoy the Psychology podcast where we explore the depths of human potential. In each episode, I talk with inspiring scientists, thinkers, and other self actualized individuals who give you a greater understanding of yourself, others, and the world we live in. Our aim is to help you live a fuller, more meaningful life. Listen to the psychology podcast on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.