On today's show, we talk about balancing, working at home with raising a small kid. We talk to a young man whose fiancee does not want to take his last name. And we talk to an awesome mom whose 11 year old daughter is in gymnastics and she's not putting in the work. We all think she should be right. Parents, right. Stay tuned.
What up with this is John with a Dr. John Delonas show. Grab a chair, grab something to eat. Let's hang out. Hope you're doing well. I hope that you're being kind of hope that you're fun. Enjoy the morning optimism in the afternoon.
And even though things are hard and rough and you're figuring it out every day, I hope that you're hanging in there.
And I'm so grateful that you're with us on this show. We can talk about your relationships, your mental health. What's next? Parenting freakouts. We're going to talk about this. In a previous show recently, I talked about how I was having a good morning, and then I just opened the freezer and then my wife had said, I'm not blaming her. But in my defense, she had stuffed a box of. Thin mint Girl Scout cookies, and I wasn't going to and I closed it and then as I walked away, it was just going, hey, come back.
And I came back over and over until I just kind of laid there in a quasi diabetic coma filled with shame. Right before that show, James came in here eating this giant muffin of a chocolate strawberry covered thing of sadness. Goodness, they call it it. It was labeled strawberry chocolate bread, which is basically just a piece of cake.
But I got it for the antioxidants from the strawberries and the chocolate. We all lie to ourselves on the show, by the way, over and over again. But right after the show, James is like, how are you giving me? Because I was like, hey, this is a health and wellness show, man. Why are you bringing this cake trash here? And then I proceeded to admit that I had not had a great morning of self-discipline.
And so what I'm doing now is I'm admitting that I also out of shame, I lash out at my friends in people who I care about and love.
So I'm sorry, James, I forgive you to all of America. And we just modeled what healthy forgiveness looks like.
Did we? Well, I modeled it. You modeled what? Asking for forgiveness looks like I didn't ask for anything. You just offered it.
I just told you I'm sorry. And here's the thing. Good folks. This is going to end up in my weekly report. It's going to have some comment like Man Jones being rude about me on the Internets.
So sorry to everybody. But James modeled what a healthy forgiveness kind of forgiveness could look like if this wasn't such a prefabricated situation.
So I hope you guys all are happy.
And then, of course, Kelly's going to the gym after this to make us all look bad. So there you go.
All right. So let's get right to the phones. Let's go to Emily in Chattanooga. Emily, what's going on? This is the Delonas show. How can I help?
Hey, Dr. John, I just wanted to say thank you so much for taking my call today.
Thank you so much. And by the way, I just started the whole cough. Weird. Of course. You know, it show it is. You call. Are you called? Made it weird. So, hey, what's up? How can I help?
If I'm good, I may have forgotten. Who knows. Yes. Yeah, I like your son. And my question for you is, well, working while he's awake and playing great anxiety in him. I want a quality connection with him. It's my main focus, but I'm really just struggling to get my job done, even with waking up early and staying up late.
Where in your a great question.
Right, man. You just you got my head spin here. Who who told you that you're going to create anxiety in your son. The Internet is the Internet. I bet they said you could also solve it with essential oils, didn't they?
They did see something that like not giving direct eye contact them, especially like when they're babies and when they're growing up, will create anxiety and some level and make them feel like their focus is drawn or something. And so I looked it up in my head where I feel like if I even looked at my phone or looked at my laptop even for a second, that he's going to be a basket of anxiety. Yocha.
All right. So you're somebody who loves their kid and wants to do right.
And like all of us, you went to the Internet and they told you what a terrible mom you are and what an awful job you're probably doing. OK?
So is this your first kid? Yes. How old? Two, you told me that, right, two years old, a marriage. Are you doing this all by yourself? No, I'm married. OK, what's dad's role in this deal? My dad or my dad and my gosh, my husband and I think this is the Dr. Freud show to go ahead.
Yes, my husband worked out of town and he works really long hours. So he's usually home by around six and he's home on the weekends. He's really involved. He understands that I work from home. And so he has no problem taking my son outside, playing with him. He's really supportive of what I do. And if our kid. So, yeah, he's kind of I don't want to say along for the ride, but if I say, hey, I need to do this, is there for it.
Very cool. So what does what does home look like and what does work look like. Paint a picture of your work from home. You're an entrepreneur. What are you doing?
Yes. So I am a professional organizer and realtor does the majority of my job. Guys, hold on. Hold on.
You're super super type, aren't you? I have been called that before, the most other people have said that about me.
It was not in my list. And so I do not totally agree with it. But other people have said that that's awesome. OK, so now I'm just getting a fuller picture of you, Emily, and it's so wonderful. OK, so you are an organizer and a real estate person. What does that mean? Yes.
So that means that I do a lot of admin stuff at home, but obviously like showing home and organizing with clients and stuff and other people's houses. But then when I'm home, I'm home. If I don't have childcare or if I have a laundry list of things for work to get done, marketing contracts to. Just a lot of the office kind of back end stuff than I am at home and looking much tougher.
And so that's those are two businesses, especially the real estate part that is kind of wonky ours.
Right? I mean, I remember having we bought a house four months ago and I was having text exchanges at seven, eight, nine at night over deals and things.
Right. So it kind of goes and goes. So what does home look like when you are off phones down, plugged in with this little one?
What's that like? We do a lot outside. We're always playing outside, and even when the weather's bad, we're looking for different things that we can do when it's just Remmy, my son. It's just us playing at home. We're inside and playing outside and playing. We do a lot of different things. And I try and keep my phone away in another room and just really focus on him. Very cool.
So. I'm not going to give credence to the Internet, there is if you live a life that is totally distracted all the time. Your kids will vie for that desperate thing that every kid needs, both physiologically, both spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, all of it, which is to be known and seen.
That is a real thing to say. It automatically causes fill in the blank diagnostic. I wouldn't go there, but I would say, yes, your kids need to have time with you.
That is not bound up by a phone that is not split between somebody else. We call it the scroll and nod.
Right. We're just like, aha. And then you just bonk that ball.
But you're really focused on whatever's on your text messages or on your on your watch or whatever. So, yes, that splitting of time is the challenge.
The other side of that is they also need boundaries. They also need to know this is time when I'm doing these things and this is when you go do these things. That's hard with a two year old.
I know their two year olds are just now coming around to finding out that that boundary.
And the third thing is I loved at a young age and I still do it now.
Every opportunity that I had to take my kids with me to three, four, 10, I did. So do you ever take your kid Remy and put them in one of those child carriers and take them to show house or to go prep a house before somebody shows up? I do you do do that, how is that that scary, weird fun? It's a little scary, but is typically a really good kid. Really well. And so if he needs to hold my hand, if he kind of walks behind us or in front of us, because if he's unsure about the environment, he kind of right here.
And I've done it a couple of times and he he seems to do it pretty well. I can't take him when I organize an appointment because sometimes it's just an unsafe environment. Sure. Absolutely. Yeah, but showing how says different things like that. I do try and take them when I can. Very cool.
So here is what I would tell you is is a magic phrase for me as a parent, for my wife, as a parent and for any parents I work with. And that is to make as best you can, either over time, either or time, which is I am all with you or I'm all not with you.
I am. This is Mommy's work time. This is Mommy's playtime. And I know that's really hard. And so I have and there's no data on this. One thing that I've recommended to folks to try out is get with the two year old and have them help you make two hats. One is a colorful, bonkers, fun hat that is mommy hat and one is all red. Right. Are all a real bright color. And that's Mommy's work hat.
And when I'm mommy's work, we're a cat. That's when she needs to have some quiet time.
Now, too, is pretty young to still wants you all the time, 24/7, 365.
That will begin to shift in short order, but that gives the child a way to see it. So you, your husband comes home and you can say, hey, I'm working and you can still you can be sitting in bed, legs out, lapped up on your lap, you're typing away and he can just feel it.
You're working versus when you're just watching Netflix, same position versus when you are writing a letter to your mom. Same position, right.
Kids can't talk like that. So having some sort of loud demonstrative thing, this is mommy's working. This is mommy's not. And then take your kid wherever you can write, wherever you can get them out of the house to go with you. They will learn how to interact with other people. Other people will be really graceful. And if they're jerks like they're show you're showing houses.
They're like, oh, my gosh, about that kid with you don't work with them because they're morons. Right.
And take their kid wherever you can with I think there's a lot of long term benefits and they get to watch what it looks like when mommy's at work. They get to watch Mommy interact professionally and kindly to the people. There's so much there. And then here's the final thing. Give yourself a ton of grace, a ton of grace. Your husband's working at a town a lot. You got a two year old. This is a small season. If there are some times when you are trying to deal with text messages and calling and you're trying to feed at the same time, you're not going to ruin your child.
You're not going to ruin your child. If you look up and you realize, man, we've done this five nights this week, then, yeah, you've got to step back and have some boundaries with yourself. You can keep up with your amount of screen time on phone. You can check in on some of those things, but give yourself a lot of grace. You got a two year old, you're doing the lion's share of the work at home by yourself.
When your husband shows up, he's all in, which is so great. That's so cool. I'm glad he's doing that. Here's one other little thing. Oh, yeah. My son did this and it was awesome. He served. It wasn't a babysitter because he was third grade, fourth grade. But what he did was he would go over to somebody's house and just play with their two and three year old. He would just roll a ball back and forth, play with a big puzzle.
But it was why the parent was home, working from home, doing stuff that they had to do at home to get caught up.
So the baby had somebody interacting with them. They didn't have the full cost of a babysitter. Those are hard to find, especially covid. But the my son was in third grade. He won. He got like ten bucks or some tiny amount of money, but he thought he had a million dollars. The little kid got to interact with a little bit older kid, which was fun for everybody. And then the the parent got to get their work done and could have that one ear out for it, but they weren't bound by it.
Right. So everybody won.
So there's some creative solutions there to the babysitting babysitter issue that maybe a babysitter liked. Right.
Or maybe a friend comes over and just drinks coffee and plays with your baby, but you're still there. You can deal with the crises. But finding those little bitty interim solutions can be cool, too.
But on the whole, try to come up with either over time, give yourself a lot of grace, you're not going to ruin your child.
The child's in a home where they mommy loves him, reads to him, plays with them, makes outside time dads involved. Your baby is going to be OK. Be conscious about the screen time. Be conscious about it, but be really grateful to yourself. All right. Thank you so much for that call.
Emily, you're awesome. You're so good. Let's go to Andrew in Iowa City. What's up, brother Andrew? Going to help, ma'am. Hey, John, how's it going? All right, dude, what's up? So my fiancee and I are engaged and we're scheduled to get married here in July.
OK, and I'm having trouble convincing her to change her last name to my sweet, OK?
I feel like I feel like I've got her boxed in. But I was wondering if you could help me out with that.
Yeah. So first of all, never box in your person you're going to marry, right?
Yeah, that's a losing proposition. Everybody loses when you try to box in another person, especially one that you love. OK, so walk me through this. You ask her to marry you and she's like, yes, I will. And you all get excited. And then she's like, B.T. Dubs. I'm going to keep my last name.
Yes. So she so she comes she's a single shot, like a single child in the family, like only sibling. Right. OK, so she wants to hyphenate my last name with hers. Oh, she wants to quit.
She wants yours, but she just wants us to be part of a bigger name. Yes.
OK. And my argument is, well, it's still not the same. OK, because I wouldn't have to hyphenate my name either, and I was just like, you know, I can't the kids names wouldn't be the same either if if they're going to have my last name.
OK, catch where I'm going. Yeah, I do. So why does this why why does it matter to you? I because historically in my family, everybody, even in my neck of the woods, like I've only noticed until recently that some people change the last name and some people don't. What's the age of social media? OK, but historically, my family, the bride takes the groom last name. That's kind of how it is. I mean, I haven't really understood why it wasn't explained why that happens or why that is or why or I have never even heard of the struggle of coming to that realization, if that makes sense.
Yeah. So there's a couple of things. So my wife was was a scholar. She was an academician and. She had her maiden name and she had done some writing under her maiden name and then when she got married. There would be some sort of disconnect between the person who wrote under this name, then the scholar who's writing under this name. Right. And so I'm the one who actually encouraged you. I said, man, just keep your middle name.
And we happened to all work at the same university. She was a professor. And I said, man, this is going to get real confusing with multiple Dr. Delany's walking around.
Why don't you just go by your eye was the one trying to get her to go by her maiden name just just for the separation of church and state. Right. I wanted my students to be able to say, man, Dr. So-and-so is the worst and not feel like I can't talk bad about your wife because it's one of their teachers.
Right. So she didn't do it.
She said, no, I'm like, so we actually had the opposite conversation y'all having. I've also heard it in broader circles about. Just as you mentioned, there's no reason to do it other than tradition, and I love my last name and I don't like your last name. I don't want to I want to be married to you, but I don't want to associate myself with your family. And I want I'm the only kid I want to keep this last name going because we didn't have any sons to follow that same tradition.
So there's a bunch of different patriarchal reasons why we just take the last name and the woman loses her name and her autonomy, all these other all these reasons. At the end of the day, none of that stuff matters any more. Then why do you want her to take your last name and why does she not want to?
Yes, and for me, I just wanted to be the same because I feel like it's in the same pool, we're in the same, you know, everything's the same and it doesn't add any confusion to anything. And she wants to keep it because she was an athlete in high school and in college. And I was just like, you know, if you get into those Hall of Fame, you could go in. Is that last name because I didn't know you before that happened.
And I think that's kind of fair because I wouldn't expect her to do that.
So for me, I just wanted to be everything.
The same in the here's the thing. The everything's the same for you is easier because for you nothing changes and for her everything's different. For it to be everything the same for you. Does that make sense? Yeah, but I do get. And this is just the tradition, I think, that we needed to think about this, right. So walk me through what happens if she chooses to hyphenate her name. I got a sense from you there's a tradition there.
You don't even know anybody in your community that does that. Is that going to make you feel like less of a man? And it's no shame if it does. I'm just I'm trying to drill in a little bit here. Does it make you feel less then? Not really.
I just feel like it's kind of control things and not that I don't want to have control of it, but like, I don't want to be. Not unified and decisions that make sense. Yes, that's where I'm going, is this is a bigger conversation because for somebody, it may feel like a power move for somebody else that may feel like they're not going all in. Right. And for somebody else, they've had regional or national acclaim under their name.
And getting married means they're giving that up, right, and it's going to they're they're being absorbed into one person, which they are. Right. It just makes this whole thing messy, which I want to get beneath that, which is where you are, which is is this making you rethink how you are going to have conversations about hard things? For instance, I want to spank my kid. We're not spanking our kid. I don't care what you say or I want to live in this neighborhood.
I'm never living in that neighborhood. I want a two story house. I want to one story write.
These conversations will be will go on for the duration of your relationship forever. Something tells me that if you're having this conversation, there's something else beneath it that makes you go, what is that? I don't know, I just I just want to make sure that we're all all in on the same page and I just don't I can't put a finger on her. I can't really narrow down what that is. What's another argument you've lost before? I don't know, I'm I'm a pretty easygoing guy, so I don't like you know, I don't.
So does this hurt the fact that you said, hey, I really this means a lot to me and she said, I don't care. Not that she didn't care, but that she's so reluctant at best. OK, so hyphenate, let me ask you this.
At the end of the day, if she says, hey, I'm keeping my maiden name, we're getting married. Is that a deal breaker for you? Not really. It's just like it seems so. Not abnormal for my. Historical marker for my family tree, I guess. Yeah. And what about for her, if you say, hey, I it means the world to me that you. Do this the traditional way that we've done this and you take my name.
Is that a deal breaker for her? I don't I don't think so, but it just gets this conversation just seems like it doesn't ever go anywhere.
Yeah, you're exactly right. And I think the problem the reason is not going anywhere is because nobody's being honest about the root here. And the root here is. You both have put on the table this means a lot to me and the other person hasn't moved. And so this is not about last names anymore, although it is it's more important about, whoa, how do we make decisions in this family?
What's the fifty one forty nine. What is compromise going to look like. What does. Like I said earlier, when we get into bigger, badder issues as we move on or how are we going to do this? How are we going to make these calls and here's what you got to do before you get married. You're going have to sit down with the premarital counselor. And I want you to navigate some of these communication issues, some of these values issues, some of these believe issues, and more importantly, I want you to come up with a game plan for how you're going to work through some of these things.
I don't personally have an issue either which way on the last name thing, I've got friends who are musicians who are married, who have different last names, but I think legally they may be I don't know how any of that stuff works with them. I just know I called them different last names out in public. And I know that I tried to talk my wife into it for a publishing reason, but it didn't occur to me that the downstream challenges it would cause.
The other side of that is I also know it can really feel like somebody is not all in. And I can also feel like, hey, we're just doing this for tradition. So you don't feel weird. This means a lot to me. And so every couple is going to have to make this decision for themselves. Every couple is going to have to get in a room and come up with the architecture for how we have hard conversations, how we disagree, and then how we come to terms with the the outcome.
But I want every guy especially to hear this just quote unquote, I just want things to be normal tends to mean you get your way. I just want things to be the way they've always been. Tends to mean somebody loses their name, they get their voice squashed and you feel good about where you're at.
And so if you feel yourself saying, why can't things just be the way they were, that's a good conversation to say, well, I need to learn some new skills. I want to dig into this a little bit deeper. There's something bigger going on.
I really appreciate your vulnerability here, Andrew. It's hard to make this call and say, hey, I'm struggling with this and I don't really I know I just want to be normal and easy. Let's just move on. I appreciate your heart, me. And that's hard to say out loud. And I also don't want to dismiss the fact you're having a hard conversation because this is bigger than just the last name. And everybody out there going, oh, my gosh, can I just get up now?
It's a big deal.
And you don't get to choose what's a big deal in somebody else's heart. And they didn't invite you into the relationship to comment on it.
Right. But you guys got to figure out the hard conversation architecture A.S.A.P. before you get married, because of conversations that you are going to have in your in your marriage are only going to get harder and harder and harder.
Thank you for your vulnerability, brother. All right. Let's go to Angela in Toledo, Ohio. Angela, what's going on?
And much how are you? All right. All right. How are we doing? I'm doing good. Good. Thank you.
So what's up? OK, so I have an 11 year old daughter is in competitive gymnastics, we spend a lot of time and money doing this and my husband and I are not seeing, I guess, the level of effort we would like to see from her. And we're kind of just wondering how to go about approaching that with her and if there is a time to say we're done or if we need to let her make that choice.
You are the only parents in the United States of America having this problem right now. I don't want you to feel isolated and alone in this. OK, thank you. Thank you. Wow. OK, so for a few minutes, can I make this all about me and walk you through my situation?
I promise I'll come back to you, OK? OK, there is nothing more annoying than somebody being like, hey, will you help me with something? And they respond with Cheri. Let me tell you about my life. OK, so I'm going to preface this with this.
I am exhausted and annoyed by the quote unquote, passionate conversation.
Right. I worked at universities for so long and I would get these 18 and 19 year olds, it would say, I want to be a singer or a guitar player. I'm just so passionate about it. I want to be a doctor.
I'm so passionate about the medical field. Here's the thing. You become passionate about what you love and you love what you're good at and you're good at what you practice. And unless you're an oddball like my wife, you practice what you were made to practice as a kid. Right. You had to go through this because you learn how to practice and learn how to stick with something. Right. So that's my overall disclaimer. And then I'm going to get personal in eighth grade.
I've been this big since I was like seven. OK, so in eighth grade, I was not a great football player, but I was pretty fast.
And at the end of the year I told my parents, hey, we move up to high school. I went to a Super five high school in Texas. I think my high school had three, four thousand kids. It was a lot. It's a big place. And I told my parents I don't want to play.
And my dad said, you have to play. You've got to go one more year and I want you to give it your best. So I did at the end of that year, I said, hey, I want to be done with this. This leveled up here in high school. It's a much more competitive it's a there's a million kids out here and I don't want to do it. And the next season, my mom said, you're going to do it.
You're going to stick it out one more year. That next year I began to grow into my body. So I found some significant success. I found some great coaches have poured into my life. I found some great teammates, and that started a love affair with the sport. I became a two year player on varsity, got some extraordinary experiences that I never would have had. More importantly, I learned how to be coachable. I learned how to not take things personally, but had to change my behaviors.
I still exercise to this day using some of the techniques and practices that I learned back when I was in high school. Right. So I am a product of parents who would not let me quit. Now, here's the other side.
My wife was a just a phenom at basketball as a freshman.
She was a stud. They were having conversations about playing on varsity. She was just she was really good and. In her words, I had to get out of there, I had to quit and I asked her recently, hey, do you ever wish your parents had made you stay like because I'm a product of my parents wouldn't let me bail out. And she said it would ended tragically for all of us, that state I had to get out.
And she ended up transitioning to cross country where again, she met a great team, great, great comrade. She learned how to work hard, all that stuff. So why do I say it like that?
Here's the thing from my parents. They weren't living through me. They saw that I was a better human when I had discipline, accountability, accountability and extreme physical exertion. They saw that when I wasn't playing sports and I wasn't running around when I was in a disciplined environment, I was an idiot. I was a bonehead.
In fact, once on my junior senior year, my dad said, like, hey, let's talk about the times you've gotten in trouble the last few years.
It's always in the summer. It's always in that gap between football and track season. Right.
My little brother was allowed to quit football. It drove me crazy. I called my parents to lecture them. Right. Well, then he went to college on a cello scholarship. Right. So it's not like he dropped out and just started playing video games. He transitioned to something else, but they saw in him their identity wasn't in being a varsity parent. It wasn't about them.
It was about, hey, we know our kid well and we think this is the right thing for them. In this season. My son and I and my wife have had fights about violin. It's a big deal to me that my kids play an instrument music. It's a huge deal for me.
And it got to where I thought I was going to come home and my wife is going to be sitting on the front porch with a shovel and a cigarette, and my kid was going to have been buried out in the yard somewhere and we had harder and harder and harder conversations.
And so what we ultimately allowed is you can't just quit on a random Tuesday. You committed to finishing this thing. We're going to have a recital. We're going to put some on the calendar that you're going to prep for and you're going have to learn the consequences. If you don't want to practice rock and roll, we're going to have a practice schedule. We can help you. But there will be people watching this recital. And if you choose to vomit and take it, you're going to do it in front of a crew if you want to practice and be and get the support.
And we were all in. Right. And so ultimately, my son practiced.
We were there to support my wife. I say we what an idiot husband. She did almost ninety five percent of that and she helped him across there, got him across the finish line.
And then he's taken a semester off though. Vilain, my marriage is better, their relationship is better and we're just taking a break. OK, so why does this matter to you.
We've got to find this balance. Well so every parent I know is struggling with this with I played team sports as a kid and most of us played team sports because our parents wanted us to because it was a thing for them. And we want to have this this one to work hard. And we wanted to learn these character things. And so the big question I want you to answer, No.
One, is why do you want your kid to do gymnastics? Why is that important? Honestly, gymnastics in itself is not important. OK, I like I was very competitive, my husband was not I gained a lot from the team aspect and the growing and the discipline and all of that. My husband is not competitive at all and he's very laid back.
I said that with some disdain. Do you wish he was a little more competitive with life? OK, all right.
I do. But sometimes he wishes I was a little more chill, so I guess it evens out OK.
But for me it's she goes out there when she's at the practices and she does work and she gets proud of herself and she says, I want more mom. And then she goes to a meet. And if she doesn't do well, it's like picking her up for four days after. But instead of, like, doing something about it, she just sits on the couch.
So have you have you all helped her draw the link between practice and hard work and success in competition? We have tried. OK, we've had these conversations, unfortunately, she is one of these girls who everything comes very easily to you. So she's like, well, if it doesn't just happen, then it's not supposed to happen. But we've had conversations about, do you want to continue? Do you want to stop? You know, it's your call.
And every time she's like, Yeah, I think so. And then we get there and she falls down and we say, well, now's a great opportunity to learn and to grow. And she's like, maybe tomorrow. Gotcha.
OK, what do we do with it? So when you presented this to me, you had an Arawa investment in financially and an ahli investment in time. Yes, and I want you to take those off. As far as anything to do with raising a young daughter. OK, OK, so take those things off the table, cost doesn't matter. Time is unlimited, right? Which we both know neither of those things are.
What would happen to the dynamic of your family if you took this summer off from gymnastics? I think she would. Almost be lost when it comes to what do I do now, because it does take so much time, but I think eventually after a while, it might become more relaxed because it's not the let's go. We've got to go. They've got to be here. You've got to be there.
And what does she what what gets her excited? What does she love? She loves planning. She is. I have no idea where she gets that from. By the way, none at all. I bet you've already have a spreadsheet on how this is going to pay for college, don't you? OK, so she loves planning. What does that look like?
Yes, well, she she is mapping out her future and her plans and she's setting up her goals and her stepping stone. How old is she by this? She's 11. She's 11. She's 11.
She should not be mapping out her life strategy.
He's I'm telling you, she's very, very like, I want to go here and then here and then here in the here.
But you realize that she's using grown up words and none of that is real. None of it. I understand. And when her life is about fulfilling an hour away on time and money. That's how you have to formulate your existence when you're 11. Yes. Has she ever heard and I'm making you feel guilty here and I'm sorry, but not sorry, OK?
Has she ever heard you guys say, hey, this takes a lot of time or we're really busy or this is really expensive? Are you sure you want to do this? We don't typically talk about the financial aspect of it, but she is 11 and she does sometimes they will hand her like a paper that says, you know, we're going to order this Leo, and it costs this much. Give this to mom and dad. She didn't see that, OK?
She also does hear that because a lot of the other parents will talk and then they talk and make sure they come out in the lobby and then it's right there.
So here's here's what I would think is an easy solution here. And I saying easy, not existentially.
It'll be hard. It'll be hard for you because you feel there's a part of you that's going to feel like if I don't keep my foot on the gas, my daughter's going to turn into my husband, who I love. But come on, he's got to go jogging. Right. And if he would just do this, I could see so much potential in him and he may not see it. There's got to be a part of your husband that's like, dude, I just want a daughter who can chill and laugh and just come on, man.
And suddenly your daughter, whether you want her to or not, is absorbing both messages.
And she's becoming a proxy war for you, too. And the battlefield is gymnastics. Right. And I'm speaking way overdramatic here, OK? Your daughter knows that she loves you and knows that she wants you to go do these fun things. But here's the thing.
I want you to come up with an alternative for her and see if you can talk her into it. Hey, what if this. This summer, we just took the summer off of gymnastics. You got to do a thing. What dream, anything, what would it be, Girl Scout? I don't know, it's cool. So I'm going to say things like, you're such an out of touch idiot, father, but I don't know if it's Girl Scouts hate daughter this summer.
You are responsible for planning the weekly schedule. And where at home. I want to see a map of it. You're going to plan the tallest. You're going to plan the vacation. We go on, we're going to use your planning skills and we are going you're going to get to have a dynamic you're going help with the family budget. You're going to help with these things, or you're going to summer camps.
You get and if she comes back to you after a few days and says, I really, really want to do gymnastics. That's when you can have the hard conversation about it, doesn't feel like it feels like you opting out and it feels like you don't want to do this.
And we're getting to a point now where if you don't practice, don't you get hurt really bad. It's not like soccer, right? Where you're just running off the ball. You can fall. You can get hurt if you're not practicing hard. Right.
And when you're 12, that's when you're like the people around you start growing into their bodies and they start getting good real fast. Right. There's going be an escalation.
And so let her feel the consequences of what you're telling us with your actions is that you're not really in.
And that's super OK. And we love you. We want you to do something that brings you joy and happiness and peace, not feel like we just got to keep making you do this.
And so let's take the summer off. Let's do this thing. Let's play soccer. You got to do a thing. You become the family planner for the summer. We're going to pay you a dollar a week of the new family planner. You and your husband are going to have to figure out how to love each other again because suddenly you're not going to drive driving all over the place. You're going have money falling from the ceiling because you're not paying for all the stuff.
But end of the day, I don't want you to feel like if you miss this one thing, it's over. It's out, it's done. OK, I want you to look at three different people in my family, only one my parents knew. I need this expression. I need this interaction. I need this accountability. I need this physical exertion because they knew me well. They let me drop something else, I got to drop baseball, but I had to keep doing this and ended up doing the right thing and with my brother, they knew he's going to he's going to transition to music.
This is just not his thing. He's coming home more defeated than he is coming home inspired. He doesn't watch football on the weekends. He's not checking the ESPN to see how the gymnasts are doing. Right. But, man, he has a thing for music. My brother's a prodigy, practices his butt off, and he is still to this day when most talented musicians I know. And then my wife, who was a prodigy at basketball and it just wasn't for her, and she went to her parents and said, I've got to be out.
And they said, we support you full on.
And then she transitioned to cross country where she was pretty good. Wasn't the all star, was she pretty good? She enjoyed it. And she's a lifelong runner now. And so this idea that 11 year old is projecting the track of their life, whoa, man, slow everybody down. Let your 11 year old be 11, let her play and be silly and have outdoor adventures and go for lazy walks with dad and fun routine driven adventures with mom.
And you'll figure these things out together.
Challenger with taking the summer off, let her who exhale because the worst thing a kid can do is feel like they are enduring something so that their parents will be OK.
And this may mean you and your husband are going have to have some hard conversations about what we actually want for her.
What does she need? What does she not need? And your husband may have to give some she needs some more discipline. She's got to step up and learn that she can do hard things. And you guys are going to call it out when it happens. Hey, you're doing really hard things. You can do hard things. And you are going to have to slow down a little bit and know, you know what? If she decides, hey, domestic isn't for me.
We've put a lot of money into this and we learned a lot and it was awesome. And now we're going to try new experiences.
And we love our baby girl and she's going to be OK.
And every parent out there ask yourself this. Whose dream is this? Is this our dream or is it our kids dream?
And I can tell you all the way up until law school, I would talk to students who said, I'm only here because my dad's. This is what I got to do.
Twenty six year old. Who were burdened by their dad's dreams. Or I've met with med students, I'm only here because Mom said I've got to be a doctor. A twenty five year old kid burdened with moms, you will do this. The best thing you can do for your kids is to have an instrument in the room and some balls in the room and some support with a room, let them know they are tethered in and they can try things.
And when you see that spark, come on, then you can lean on them. We are people who are kind of but we are people who show up for our teams.
We are people who work real hard and look at you. You can do hard things. Are you proud of yourself? Did you put out an effort on the track or on the on the pitch or on the football field that you're proud of?
Then I'm proud of your effort, right? I'm proud of your effort, I'm proud that you overcame I'm proud that you stuck it out. Now you're talking. Now we're going to create a generation of kids who know how to work hard, who know when to say, hey, this one's not for me, who knows how to receive coaching and push through hard things, but also does not get their self-esteem from achievement. And I'm not talking about a delicate balance here.
I know. I know. But that's what we're aiming for. And we're going to get some strong some. Right. I'm going to I'm going to register for my kid for jiujitsu this summer. I'm trading him baseball in the spring for jujitsu in the summer. He's not going to like it, but I want him to go through hard things. I want him to experience that struggle. And then at the end, I think he's going to overcall, I think is going to love it.
But if he doesn't, I'm not going to get my identity through a eleven or twelve year old jujitsu kid. I'm going to get my identity being a dad who loves his son. All right.
Thank you so much for your call, Angela. I love your heart. And you want to get it right. There's a lot to this after you have this conversation with with your daughter, after you say, hey, let's take the summer off, let's do something else. You're going to be the house planner this summer. We're dedicating this summer to you. We're going to pay you for it. And we want you to join a summer camp or Girl Scouts.
We want you to work at the local church, whatever that is. Let me know how that conversation goes. I'd love to report back to our audience on this.
All right. So as we wrap up today's show, man off the nineteen ninety five, this is one of my pop punk favorites. And last week we went with some kind of mushy songs. My metal friends think we're failing here. I even had a Coldplay in there. We're back after nineteen ninety five album outcome The Wolves. This is the most sing along song on the record, so don't get all Dromard out, but it's rancid Ruby So Ho and it goes like this echoes of reggae coming through my bedroom wall, having a party up next door.
But I'm sitting here all alone. It's all about loneliness, goes to lovers in the bedroom and the other starts to shout. And all I got is this blank stare and that don't carry no clout at all. Destination unknown.
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. So he's singing and she's there to lend a hand. He's seen his name on the marquee, but she will never understand. And once again he's leaving and she's there with a tear in her eye embraces with a warm gesture. It's time. Time to say goodbye. Destination unknown. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. So ho, check this song out. You'll sing it all day long. The Boys and Rancid.
This has been the Dr. John Delonas show.