Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney show.

I cheated on her, and just over a year and a half later, she ended up cheating on me. We seemed to be good for a bit, and then I felt a pull away. I had this gut instinct that there was more going on.

It feels like you're not struggling with not knowing as much as you don't have trust. What's up? What's up, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. So grateful that you are with us, talking about marriage, emotional health, mental health, parenting, whatever you got going on in your life shows real people going through real challenges all over planet Earth. If you want to be on the show, if you're struggling in your marriage, you're struggling with your kids, struggling with your in laws, I got you. Give me a buz at 1844-693-3291 it's 184-469-3291 or go to johndaloni.com. Ask a couple of housekeeping things. Don't forget ramsaysolutions.com Getaway getaway not runaway like the great killer song, but ramsaysolutions.com Getaway for the money in marriage retreat. It's going to be in October. Go there, get all the details. Me and Rachel Cruz. 100% chance it's going to sell out. It did last time, and half the tickets were already gone before the people from last year even left. Half of them bought tickets again. So there is, we open up a few more vip seats, which include, like meet and greets and all this the weekend.

You will come. We're going to talk about sex. It's like this show, except for you, right? For you and with Rachel Cruz, we can talk about your money, too. How to bring your marriage back together. Last year we had couples that were engaged. We had couples that found out somebody was not being a person of fidelity on the way to the event. We had people who were empty nesters. We had people from across the spectrum who just looked at their spouse and said, let's build something new. Or I love where we are. Let's imagine something. Or we are barely hanging on and we need to know if we need a caller or not. This weekend is for everybody. It's in Nashville, Tennessee. Of course. We're going to have tons of fun surprise guests like last time. And we're going to take it up a notch. So ramsaysolutions.com slash getaway and for those of you who are hitting subscribe and the like buttons, I'm super grateful we're watching the numbers just go through the roof, please. If you haven't done it, it takes 2 seconds, it doesn't cost anything, and it really makes a powerful difference if you'll just hit the subscribe button.

Thank you so much. All right, let's go out to Montana and talk to Tony. Tony. Tony. What's up, Tony?

Not much. Just living the great life.

Are you sick of people moving to Montana, looking for the great life?

Well, sometimes it depends on what they're bringing with them.

Well, I moved to Nashville, and they told me that there was a tv show called Nashville that made everybody want to move to Nashville. And then I guess then there was a tv show about montana, and I guess everyone's moving to Montana.

I'm currently not in Montana. I'm a snowbird, so I'm really in Arizona for another month.

Awesome.

I'm one of them.

All right, so what's up? How can.

I just. Do you want me to read the question I have.

You do it however you want to.

Okay. Well, my husband and I, we're empty nesters as they. And anyway, we try not to interfere in our adult children's lives and respect their boundaries. Unless they ask us for advice, then we'll give it. But I have one daughter in law who uses a parenting technique that just upsets me so much, it makes me sick inside. Or cry or both.

What is it?

She yells loudly and not very nicely at all. And she says that she knows that the kids love her or she knows that she loves the kids. And I know she loves the kids, too. I mean, she's a good mom. And I don't know. She just says, my mom raised us that way and yelled and we turned out okay. So what's wrong with it?

Yeah, bull crap. Don't yell at your kids. That's immature, childish, stupid way to parent. And I know there are people who are like, oh, gosh, I yell at my kids and they'll do what your daughter in law says, which is like, no, this is the right way to do it. This is how I was raised. And then there's others that say, I know. I just can't stop. I used to have a ton of, let's sit down and talk about it and let's go. No, I'm kind of done with that because I've spent 20 years working with kids, high school kids, college kids on the back end of growing up in those homes, and they're emotional wrecks. It's wrong. So your gut instinct, your initial, like watching an adult lose it on a child. Yeah.

It's not fun.

No, it's not. And so I'll tell you this. I was going to high five you, and then I have a bad habit of interrupting people, so I'm trying to get better about it. I was going to interrupt you and tell you. Good on you. For you and your husband, saying, hey, these are our kids. We raised them, and then they married who they married, and we're not going to interfere with their lives. Good on you. That's awesome. I tell empty nesters that all the time. Right? Trust your kids. Let them out. And if they ask you, I'll tell you. But if they don't ask you, they didn't ask you. Okay?

Right.

And then as adults, you all get to decide, do we want to be in this or not? I will tell you. If I'm at a supermarket and I hear somebody screaming at a kid, I will get involved. Not in some. Not in some. I'll say, hey, stop. You mind your own bit. Stop yelling at that kid in this place. What are you going to do about it? I'm asking you to stop. I'm not going to get in a fight. I'm not nine, right? But I will, on behalf of a child, say something. Okay. Now, it may be that that anger and rage comes towards me. Cool. At least it's not on that kid anymore, right? So I tell you that. To tell you this, I would have a direct, hard conversation with my son.

Okay?

And I would preface it with you and your dad. You know, me and your dad don't get involved. You know that. Me and your dad, we raise you, we trust you. We're letting it go. I cannot sit by and watch this happen again.

Do you have anything I can tell them to read or have them read?

Yeah, it's probably going to be a chiropractic textbook on how to get a spine.

For me?

No, not for you. I'm talking about for him.

I know I need to grow a backbone and stand up for him.

Here's the deal. Nobody's taking care of those kids. They need some adult in their life to stand up and say, hey, this isn't okay. And by the way, for those. So, Tony, one time on the Internet, on social media, I posted, never lie to your kids.

Right?

And then later on, I posted something about. Because the whole thing filled up. All the comments filled up with questions about Santa Claus. So I posted something about, don't steal that from your kids. There's a difference between lying to your child and participating in a cultural game, right?

Right.

There's just a difference. And if you can't see that difference, God help you. Right. In the same way, what I hear you describing is not raising your voice to keep a kid from getting, because I've written about this too. Don't ever yell at your kids. And there's always some gods like, oh yeah, if they're just going to get hit by a truck, you're just going to. No, of course. If my kid's going to hit by a truck, I'm going to scream my lungs out.

Right.

When there was almost a really dramatic physical altercation that one of my kids wandered into and didn't realize what was happening. Yeah, I got real, real out.

Right.

So, yes, what I'm talking about is repetitive, systematic, childish, immature ways of trying to control kids behavior by screaming at them and causing their nervous system to hit pause so that the adult in the room can feel powerful and back in control. And that's what I hear you describing.

Yes, that's what it is.

Those kids are desperate for some adult in their life to reach in and say, I'm here because their mom's not doing it. And your son needs to grow a backbone because he's not doing it.

Yeah, we don't live in the same city as they do. We're about 5 hours away.

Okay. Did something happen recently that has set this off?

Well, it's happened almost since they've had children, but the last time is when we were there. It happens when we're there. And I wonder if she just gets under stress and then just builds and builds and explodes.

I don't care. The context is cool and all, and it's important for her to figure out when she's feeling herself getting set off.

Can I tell you what?

It's never. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, you can tell me anything.

I can tell you when I was younger and had kids that age, I was yelling at my kids and I had a friend that heard me and I wasn't yelling at them like she does, just like calling them and hurry up, we're going to be late and all that. But she told me that she had been yelled at as a child when she was growing up and she'd rather be beat with a stick than yelled at. And I told her that. I told my daughter in law that and she just, no, this works and that's what I'm doing.

I think the challenge there is you took a really circuitous. Is that how you say that word? You went roundabout?

Yeah.

There's like, well, one time I knew somebody, and this happened. That's different than while I'm here. You will never yell and scream at my grandkids. They don't deserve that. And by the way, honey, you didn't either. Now, when you do that, that's a declaration of war. And she probably is going to tell her husband, your child. I don't want your mom here.

Yes.

You know what? I'll sacrifice my friendships on behalf of some kids. Because if they're my true friends, if they're my true family, my true people I'm connecting with, they'll understand.

So just come anyway.

Again, I think the conversation begins with your son.

All right. I think so, too.

And it may be. Honey, I did this to you and I was wrong. It was never okay.

Well, he was little.

Doesn't matter. Own it first. It makes the hard conversation more of an invitation than it does. You're starting to fight with them, right?

Oh, I never yelled again from that day forward, so I know people can stop.

I know. You know how I know? Because that's me.

Yeah.

A loud mouth, yelling idiot.

Yeah, I never did again. And my stress level went down, too.

Of course. The whole house gets peace. It keeps the electricity in the house way low. Because what happens is. Here's what happens. Over time, your kids learn that it's our job to make sure mom doesn't feel a certain way. Because when mom feels a certain way, she goes bananas. Physically or psychologically and emotionally. And that isn't their job. Their job is to be kids. That's the adult's job. Never yell at your kids.

What about shaming?

Well, no, of course not. What's that going to solve? Give me an example of shaming.

Like putting your nose, making them put their nose on the wall or the window at a restaurant if they misbehave.

Oh, jeez.

Yeah.

No, not super effective.

No.

My heart breaks for this woman because she is clearly in a game without the tools to win, without the tools to be successful.

The kids are good, though. That mean they're polite and well behaved.

Yeah. And you know what? Everything in my life changed when Dr. Michael Gomez, a psychologist, told me once, hey, John, straight A's can be a trauma response, too. If kids know mom's going to shove their face up against a piece of glass in a public setting. If mom's going to scream and yell in public, mom's going to scream and berate me in my own safe home. You're damn right I'm going to do everything perfect, because that woman's crazy. They're not doing right because they've learned some character lessons. They're not doing right because they innately understand dignity and respect. They're doing right to keep their necks for fear.

Out of fear.

Yes. And by the way, if you raise kids who are scared of you, you don't teach them to think for themselves. You don't teach them strength and resilience and grit. You teach them how to duck their heads and get out of the way. And when you have an entire culture raised on fear like we do, you have a whole culture that just ducks their head and looks away, and then it lets the bad guys in power do whatever the crap they want. So I want kids to challenge me. I want my son and daughter to respectfully, in the right way, challenge me, because I'm teaching them not just to take everything and just have it shoved down their throat. I also am not going to scream and yell and belittle my kids as a way to flex on them. You know why? I don't need to flex. I'm bigger than them. I'm their parent. Right? And that means I have to work really hard to not ever get out of control. And that means I have to make sure my marriage is good. That means I have to make sure I'm sleeping. That means I have to go see a counselor sometimes.

That means I have to journal. That means I have to not owe people money so I don't feel stressed all the time. I got to do those adult things so that I can be the adult with my kids. That's my job. And that's her job. Yeah, that's your son's job. You, my friend, are going to have to. I think some of your fear about having this conversation comes from your own shame about how your son's handling this. You got to let that go. It's not on you, okay? You got to let that guilt go, because that guilt is keeping you from intervening on behalf of those kids. And by the way, both your son and your daughter, I mean, daughter in law, may look at you and say, we don't give a crap what you have to say. And you may be sacrificing in the short term, especially being able to see those kids. It's still the right thing to do. They need an adult in their life. And I'll say this again, for the people in the back of the room, don't yell at your kids. Doesn't make them tough. It doesn't make them strong.

It makes them into adults with highly dysregulated nervous systems. Look around. That's what we got. Go yell at your kids. Thanks for the call, Tony. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Hey, it's Deloney. Some people think relationships are going to be easy if they're going to be right. That's almost never true. Great relationships get that way because both people put in the work to make them great. And therapy can be a place to work through the challenges you face in all of your relationships, whether with friends, people at work, your romantic partner, or even how you get along with yourself. So if you're thinking about starting therapy, I want you to try betterhelp. Because therapy isn't just for people who've experienced trauma. It's great for building skills so you can be the best version of yourself, so you can show up in those relationships and do your part to make the relationship great. Betterhelp is completely online, so it's flexible enough to fit your schedule. Just fill out a short questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

Find the path forward to make all of your relationships incredible. Visit betterhelp.com deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. He lp.com deloney. All right, let's go out to Toronto and talk to Steven. Hey, Steven. What's up, man?

Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing?

I'm doing all right, brother. What's up?

Yeah. Quick, quick backstory. So basically, me and my wife, we've married five years now. We have two kids. Right around after the second kid, I cheated on her, and we kind of committed to the whole rebuild something new. Had a counselor, did all that stuff. And just over a year and a half later, she ended up cheating on me. It seemed to kind of bring us together, as weird as that sounds. But we seemed to be good for a bit, and then just. I felt a pull away. I had this gut instinct that she was pursuing a relationship. I don't know what happened, but it just was this gut feeling that there was more going on. I never ended up finding it out. We're now at a point where we took some time apart. We came back together. It was like, okay, let's make this work. Let's do this. So my question is, I'm really struggling with not knowing, and basically, how do I let that go? Or do I keep going? Because I know if I keep going to try and find something out either way, my relationship is done.

Tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me if I'm wrong. It feels like you're not struggling with not knowing. As much as you don't have trust.

The trust has come back.

It hasn't. And then why don't you just ask her? Hey, I need you to sit down and be very clear about what happened.

Because I don't know what my response would be to that, and I think that's what I'm.

You know, what is it? If you find out she lied to you during that time, are you done?

And that's what I think.

Just stop struggling. Own it.

Okay?

Stop struggling. You're kind of just dripping into molasses, like stand up. If you found out that, okay, you cheated on her, you all went through counseling, you did everything, and then she cheated on you. Did she say it's a one night stand? Was it, like, a weekend hookup? Was it, like, a small couple of weeks? Like, what was it?

She said it was a one night. Again, it was a one night stand. It just was out drinking with friends and met up with an old friend and ended up at a hotel together.

Okay. Things happen. Then. Did she come home and tell you about it? Did you find out?

Found out.

Okay.

You found out, so she lied to you, and she cheated on you. Yes. And you found out. Did she deny it at first, or did she bury your head and say, yeah, I did this. This happened?

No, she lied.

Okay. So then at some point, you said it pulled you back together. That happens in a weird way. And you described it. Good. As weird as that sounds, I think is what you said. Or as awkward as that sounds for a minute, there's a leveling of the teeter totter. Right. The scale has been, because you walk around, like, after being, like, having two little kids and cheating, you walk around as kind of the whipped dog, right? I did this thing. I did this thing. And she's like, I forgive you. Let's move on. You're like, I know, but that kind of hovers. And then when she does it, it's now we both are the same suck. And there's that fantasy that we both hooked up with other people. We realized we got that kind of out of our system, and you're the one, and, yeah, you're the one, and everyone's going to live happily ever after, and yet you got that pit in your stomach.

Tell me about that again. It's.

Steven, stop. Get out of the syrup. What's the gut tell you?

The gut tells me something happened, and it was going on for a extended period of time.

Where does that gut feeling come from? Her flipping her phone over every time you walked in the room for weeks on end from text messages she was deleting. Where does that come from? Your own insecurity. Where's it coming from?

Again, it was reactions and it was just a shift in behavior. Being Mia from the phone when she doesn't ever leave the phone alone. Right. It was just like. Yeah, it was a shift of behavior. And then if I say anything about it or ask her about anything, it was the snap back kind of, I guess, gaslighting.

Yeah. Here's the deal. You're lying to yourself when you say that trust is back. It's not. You don't trust this woman as far as you could see her. You don't.

Right.

And you know what's on the other side of the truth? You know that you can't stay. I don't think there's something, Steven, she could tell you to make you go. All right. You're right. Do you?

I think, and, like, I've been thinking a lot.

Yeah, you think a lot. I could tell. You're very cerebral and you wanted to think it through. It just ends up pulling you underwater.

I think. I know. Sorry.

It's okay. It's okay. You're good, man. This is hard. It's hard stuff.

My biggest issue I'm having with it is not if I knew the full truth. And she said, listen, I did make a mistake. Like, I did continue this, but this is actually where I want to be, then that's a rebuilding. That can happen. But because there isn't that statement, this is what I want to have. This is how I want to rebuild. And there was that comment, but there was no ownership to or even acknowledgment of how I had been feeling. And it was just like, it's not.

About how you have been feeling. It's how she lied to your face. Yeah. You're not the bad guy here. Did you do something stupid? Yes. Did you violate your marriage? Yes. Have you not been honest with your wife over time? Yes. You are not a bad guy for doubting your wife. She's repeatedly lied to you, man. And what I'm going to say doesn't make a lot of sense unless you've been there and I haven't been here personally, but I've just sat with people. The second affair almost sometimes feels worse. The first one's out of the blue, so it's like getting punched and you don't realize it. You don't know what's coming, and it's just a sideswipe, like a sucker punch. But you go through two years of counseling and rebuilding and all that gets thrown away for a drunken night in a bar. Really? Right. That one feels like a knife with eye contact just stabbing you slowly, like in saving private Ryan. Yeah, right. And the world wants you to say, oh, even Steven, you did it. And you did it. No, you both did a different kind of thing to each other. Yeah, but if nobody's told you this, you cheated a couple of years ago.

You have a right to be heartbroken, too, that she did it back.

And I feel like that was never.

The I know you never grieved it topic. I know you never grieved it. It was always, well, see you, too. So, evens, let's go get a big house, right? I mean, it was just like, let's move on to the next. And you didn't get a chance to grieve that after years of you walking around with your head hung low and your wife kind of hanging over your head, and you go into counseling and listening to how bad you were and all the things you had to do to regain trust and all that she went under, that hurts. You never got a chance to say, hey, this hurts. This sucks. And by the way, dude, I'm saying this with smile on my face. If you were here, you would know I'm smiling with you. Okay? Not at you. I'm with you. But you've talked yourself into this loop. If I could just go by the bank and ask them for $2.5 million, I could finally go to Nashville and get me a nice three bedroom house because houses are stupid expensive here. But that will never happen because I don't have $2.5 million in my account.

Similarly, your wife just wants to build the next thing. Let's just go do the next thing. And you're saying, hey, we don't have any money in that account. We can't go do that next thing until we settle up here. And, you know, if she's honest about the settle up, that's going to change what the outcome is. Fair.

Yeah.

Okay. The only way this thing gets solved is if you stop walking around like a whipped dog. Stand up tall. You messed up. You owned it. Cool. We have to be completely honest before we can move forward. And I don't think you have. Not you, but her. How does all play out? Just like this. You sit down and say, here's what I need to rebuild trust and maybe you say I haven't been trustworthy because I haven't dug in and I don't fully believe you. And I'm sorry to say that out loud, but I'm struggling with trust. I need to know what happened. And I've been in multiple situations, sitting with people in this kind of madness, when someone says, I don't know if I believe or if I trust, and that person just whips their phone out, go through it all. Here you go. Here's my emails. Go. Yeah, let's go through phone records. Done. I'll go print them off. And then there's the other one, which is like, you're not looking at my phone. No way. If you don't believe me, then how can you. And it gets all dumped on you, right? As though you're the problem.

Yeah, you're not the problem. But I think you have to get really radically honest with. I can't move forward without trusting you. And I'm not going to be able to trust you until the following things. Trust is reestablished. And here's what that's going to mean. I need to see your phone. I'm going to show you my phone. We have to answer each other's calls when they come. We have to fill in the blank, let each other know where we are. Because we have a relationship that has zero trust. We have a house with no foundation on it. And so part of rebuilding trust is I need to know exactly what happened. Because the thought that we went through all of that, all that counseling, all that pain, all those tears, all that hurt, all that. Are we going to stay together? And you just got drunk at a bar and hooked up with somebody I don't know about? That doesn't feel right. Doesn't feel right. Because if that's the case, the counselor that you all worked with in that new house you all built, that new house was built out of paper, and it was a beach house right by the water.

It couldn't withstand nothing. You have a right to trust. You have a right to ask hard questions. And you have a right to be told the truth inside your marriage. It's the only way it works, man. But I want you to stand up tall. Write down today, here's what I need to reestablish trust. I want you to tell your wife, hey, I know we've had a bunch of these over the years. I want to have all cards on the table conversation. Let's do it Friday. Let's get somebody to watch the kids, and let's just we're going to be two adults. We're going to sit down at the table like grown ups, and we're going to put all the cards on the table because I'm struggling with trust and I've written out a list of things that I need to reestablish trust. I asked you to do the same. What can I do for you? Do we reestablish trust? And we're going to sit down, we're going to put all the cards on the table. Give that a shot. If she says no, that might be your answer, and I hate that for you. Hopefully she says, I'm all in.

Here's all cards. That's my hope, brother. Let me know how it goes. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney. Lint is one of the cornerstones of the christian faith, and it's got a bad rap over the years. People think it's just like a month in a week, like 40 days of giving up a thing like candy or alcohol or whatever, until we can get to Easter and we can finally get back to poisoning ourselves with junk food or staying up too late or whatever bad habits we tried to cut out. Lent is so, so much more than just abstaining from some vice. Lint is about entering into a season of 40 days of reflection, prayer, and, yes, fasting. It's about finding meaning, purpose, discipline, and finding connection with God and finally letting go of trying to control everything. If you've grown up in a christian faith and you've heard about lint and you want to jump in with both feet this year, or if you're not a person of faith and you're always wondering what your coworkers are talking about during the season, my friends at Hallow have created the 40 day lent prayer challenge.

It's going to be an incredible 40 days meditating on the theme of surrender, and it's going to be led by Mark Wahlberg. Yes, that mark Wahlberg, Jonathan Rumi and more. There's going to be lent, theme music, stories, prayers, and even special things for your kids. I personally am going to take on the challenge, and I hope you'll join me and millions of others across the globe. Hallow is the number one prayer app in the world. And for listeners of this show, you get three free months of Hallow, all 10,000 plus prayers, meditations, music, the lecture series, all of it by going to hallow.com deloney. That's three free months of the app at hallow. Hallow.com deloney. All right, let's go out to Springfield and talk to Matt. What's up, Matt?

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing?

Good, brother.

How are you doing?

All right. What's up?

So I'm just calling to get some advice on approaching my mom about her drinking. She struggled with it for quite some time now. I've tried on a few occasions, but they haven't gone well.

Have you tried?

So it's been a long time since I've tried. I kind of gave up for a while. Last time I tried was I took her out to lunch and I just simply asked, how are you doing? I know that you've struggled in the past. How's it going with the drinking? And there's been drug use involved, too, but then it really just turned into, oh, you think you're better than me? Kind of response, I'm doing fine, when I know she's not doing fine.

Hey, Matt, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

You've been taking care of her for a long time, haven't you?

Yeah, just to some extent, I've been.

Trying, let me say it differently. Taking care of her. You've been worrying about her for a long time, haven't. Oh, yeah. That's heavy. It's exhausting. Yeah. And you know she doesn't drink because of you, right? Yeah, I think I have, Matt, that she doesn't drink because of you. How old are you, man?

I am 31.

Okay. What happened that this has come back up.

So most recently, actually, like a week ago, she accidentally called me. Didn't know that she was calling me. Left me a voicemail, and she was at a package store.

I could just tell she was at a what? Package store. Okay.

And I haven't brought that up to her that that happened.

Yeah. Are you noticing her starting to decompensate? Starting to go downhill?

To be honest. She hides it well. She's a very anxious person. Her personality is very loud. But I can tell when she's had a few. I can just tell her demeanor changes a bit.

Are there ways that you don't have to interact with her? Is she a part of your life?

Yeah, she's pretty active. I mean, we're five minutes down the road, my wife and I, and my son, five minutes down the road from them.

Oh, kids. She watch your kids? She take care of your kids?

Not too often. She works a lot, but that's one of my concerns. My wife isn't too concerned about that. I think my wife gives her the benefit of the doubt, but I don't.

Because of things that have happened in the past. Here's the data we have is that conversations don't go well. She gets very defensive, turns the whole things on you, right? And you walk away feeling like crap, both for trying to love your mom and she won't have it, and b, her language letting you know that you're the problem here and you're the ungrateful jerk son that needs to get his crap right. It flips on you. So we know that doesn't work, and we know that she's pretty clear she doesn't want my help. So those are two heartbreaking data points. Where you do have significant control is, hey, mom, I don't think I'm better than you. That's not what this is about. And so I'm not going to allow this conversation to get turned into that direction. Here's just start to finish. If you've had a drink or if you've had a clonapin, you cannot be around my son. You won't be welcome at the house. I want my son to know you and be around. If you've had a drink, you can't come over, period. And that's you just establishing safe boundaries for your kid.

And you know as well as I do, she will hit the roof when you do that, right? Oh, yeah. The, like, if you. If you were going to run a script by me before you sat down with somebody that you love that's struggling with alcohol or with drugs, your previous script of sitting down and going, hey, man, how's it going? Like, I notice you've had this challenge in the past. What that does for somebody who's in the throes of a shameful behavior, a behavior they're ashamed of. Nobody wants to be an addict, right? Nobody. Right. You give somebody an avenue out. Tell me about, like, I'll tell you about. Right. And it can very quickly get away from the reason we're sitting down here, which is I'm worried about your health, and it becomes about how you're ungrateful or, oh, you think you're better. The whole thing gets deflected. The only way I've ever seen those type of conversations go well, and well is very relative. They never just go great. Right. Nobody feels super awesome at the end is a very direct and to the point. Mom, I can tell you're drinking a lot.

I'm very worried about you. I do not think I'm better than you. I don't want to go to your funeral yet. If and when you're ready to get help, I'm here, and I love you. And one of those is like, hey, let's talk about. The other is, I am from a position of both feet on the ground, anchored into reality. I'm letting you know that I see it and I love you. And when you're ready for support and help, I'll be here. Until then, I'm going to draw boundaries. Yeah. Do you see the difference there?

Yeah, I do.

And one of those is what somebody who struggles with addiction is very good at often is twisting reality just a little bit, wiggling out of situations, saying, look over here. Look over here. When you take that away, I see you. I know. And I'm here. When you're ready. Bye, Felicia. When you lay it out clear, it doesn't give money any place to hide other than they got to come over the top of you. How dare you? That's fine. You can do whatever you want, right? And maybe even an extra. I know you don't want to be here, and I hate it for you, but you're not asking for my help. Cool. The day you do, I'm here. But until then, boom, none of this is easy. And I'm sorry, man. Do you have brothers and sisters?

I do. Two sisters and a brother.

Where are they on this?

Yeah.

So my brother still home. He's ten years younger. He's been in the thick of it. He's obviously seeing more of it on a day to day basis than I do. He's just kind of fed up and ignores it. Puts it to the wayside and is not home as much as possible.

Does that mean he's 21? Why doesn't he move out and get his own place?

I know. I'm on him about that. I'm on him about that.

Okay.

There's probably a part at 18.

Well, there's probably a part of him that's been taking care of your mom for a long time. Yeah. That sucks. That sucks. That's a sick circle, man. I hate that.

Yeah, it's tough.

Sisters. Where are they?

They're in town, too. They're all around, but they're kind of just living their own lives.

Yeah. Okay. Maybe it's a conversation with all four of them. All four of you? All?

Yeah, we've had some conversations. I mean, we try to do the intervention thing. Everybody sit down, try to talk it out, but kind of went the same way I described earlier.

Yeah.

But they all know. They all know. And they all feel the same way I do.

Sorry, man. I guess the only comfort I can give you is there's no easy path out. So if you're looking for like, okay, that doesn't exist. Yeah. And so it's just kind of like knowing, all right, if I'm going to improve my squat, I've got to just start lifting heavy weights. There's not like an easy way to do it. Similar. If I'm going to keep me and my wife and my child safe and I'm going to protect my home and I'm going to let my mom knows when she's ready, I'll be there, then there's only a hard path forward. Yeah. I hate it for you, brother. If she ever wants to call a show, I'd be happy to talk to her. She's not going to want to. We had that woman a few weeks ago who called into the show and checked herself into treatment program. I was really, really proud of her. It's amazing. But not everybody's ready for that. And again, the problem with addiction is it works. It keeps the outside pain at bay for a bit and it works until it destroys everything. Sorry, man. But don't ever forget, she doesn't drink because of you.

And you may ask, why won't she get sober? For me, that's a whole other conversation. Sorry, my brother. Let me know how the conversation goes, man. We thinking about you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, building a non anxious life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non anxious life. Get your copy today at John Deloney.com. All right, we're back with a new installment of am I the problem? Go for it, Kelly.

All right. This is from Avery in Needville, Texas. Am I the problem? My wife and I are expecting our first child in June. She wants her mother to come stay with us for about a week following the birth. However, I see this as a challenge that the two of us need to overcome together and a private bonding experience for our new family. She tells me this is common and I feel guilt tripped for denying her mother's help. Am I the problem?

I think so, yes. I think he is seeing this problem from one side and not the other. Maybe. I'm out to lunch. What do you think? I don't think, given what I know now about bringing a Baby home. All I can say is, whoa. Yeah. I didn't know about all the gauze and stitches and staples and things, and I didn't know about any of that stuff. I didn't realize, oh, you can't just get up and go. I didn't know any of that, so I'll bring all the help.

I just think he doesn't know. And he's got this romantic notion of they're going to come home and it's going to be this beautiful time and it very well may be. But it very well may not be.

Can we just say this? This has never been a question asked before in human history, ever. The fact that this is a thing. No other family, no cousins, no grandmas, no moms, no dads, no. It's just us in our little cove and we're going to do this thing together. Our bodies aren't designed for that.

Yeah.

Gosh.

It's only been in the, what, the last 50, 60 years that we've even done births in the hospital and not at home with the family around everybody, everywhere. Yeah. And that there was mothers and cousins and sisters because that's how life happened. Yes.

And there was one room in the house, right.

And everybody in the club was there.

Everybody. No, dude. Now I will say not everybody in the club gets to come in the delivery.

No.

So if mother in law, like, I'm going to be. No. So that's cool. I'm all about that.

Right.

The delivery is, there's enough people in there, like 1000 people. But when it comes to that, like, man, take the help. Take the help. And if he is feeling less than. Stop. That's ego, dude. That's ego.

Yeah. And I don't think he's the problem. I just don't think he has any idea. And how could you? You can, you can't have any idea of just take the help because you're going to need it, be grateful for it and take the time to get some sleep and to pamper your wife a little bit while grandma helps with.

The baby and do this, I'm going to offer a radical suggestion to all the husbands out there. If your wife is about to bring a human into, into the planet, and she says the following two, 5914 things would make this better, that's not the moment for you to go. I don't think so. That's when you go. Got it? I'm on it.

Yeah. And I think it would also be different if he said, she's going to come stay with us for a month. Or two months was a week.

And also, maybe mother in law's the worst. The worst, I would say. As the great Taylor Swift says, shake it off, move on. You won't remember that first week anyway.

No, it's just a blur.

Nobody does. You just remember quick glimpses of how great your life used to be. Right? And then you one day will look in a mirror and you'll say, all my friends with kids lied to me. Yes, they did.

Right after you say, I used to be cool.

No, I've never said those words, ever. Not one time. But yes. Hey, let your mother in law come for a week. Ask your wife as much as we can imagine because neither of us know it's the first kid. What does it feel like when we get home would be the best thing for you, for your healing, for this baby? What do you think? And go be about making that happen, then. If that means getting out the futon for mother in law, get out the futon. If that means having to go sleep in the garage because mother in law is a lot, then make up a pallet in the garage, dude. Enjoy it. Just playing. Don't sleep in the garage. But you know what I mean. So, yeah. Think you're the problem. Not in a bad way. And just say, we can do all this ourselves. Don't. Don't take the help. Take the help. All right, cool. I think we just solved America, Kelly.

Solving all the problems of the world. That's what we do.

Or we create them. Hey, love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.