Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

I love my wife, but I don't like her.

All right, tell me things you don't like.

Treating other people with disrespect sometimes and her emotional exclusiveness is really hard for me to deal with. I know sometimes she'll be like, Do you even like me? I'll say, Of course I like you, and I love you.

Let me tell you, I think therein lies the problem. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Show about your marriage, your mental emotional health, your workplace, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids' schools, whatever is happening in your world. We're here to walk alongside you, figure out what the next right step is. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you. Go to Johndeloney. Com/askask, or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-329. Com. Be 1. It's 1-844-693-3291. Don't forget, send in those success stories. It's so cool to read those, and we're getting a bunch of them, so that's awesome. And we call it Cool crap that happened. Cool crap that Happened. Cool Crap that Happened. We want to know all about it, man. Send it to us. You can send that to JohnDaloney. Com/ask as well. Just put it in the headline note. Don't forget to hit the like button. I like you. Will you like me? This is why America is crumbling. All right, let's go out to Gillette, Wyoming, and talk to Maddie. Hey, Maddie, what's up?

Hi, John. How are you?

I'm so good. How are you?

I'm doing great. Thanks for taking my call.

Of course. What's happening?

My question is, I'm getting married on May 25th of this year, and I need to figure out if I should invite my biological father to the wedding or not.

All right, let's dig into it. Tell me all about it.

My mom got pregnant when I was super young. She was super young, she was 19. And then they were married for six months. It was just they had me, and they thought they should get married. So then they were married for six months. And then we lived in the same town for quite a while.

And I went on- You and bio dad? Yes. Okay. So when they got divorced, he took off?

No, he was in the same town. Okay.

Was he in your life?

He lived two blocks down, and I saw him maybe once every two weeks. Okay. I mean, but I saw his mom, like my grandma all the time. Okay. I guess just throughout my life- Can we stop for one second, Maddie?

I'm sorry to interrupt you. I hate that for you. No, you're okay. I hate that for you.

Yeah, it wasn't very great.

No, it's still not great.

No, it's not.

I hate that.

Yeah.

Just know that that's not the way it's supposed to. I know you know that, but just hear it from a dad who can't breathe without his daughter around. Just know It's not supposed to be like that. There's good dads out there. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Thank you.

All right. I'm getting over in my soapbox. I'm trying to think of not seeing my daughter but once every two weeks. I don't know how you do that, but here we are.

I'm getting married, and he's going to be the best dad ever. I can't grasp it.

I don't- Oh, your husband's going to be the best dad ever? Yes. Oh, good. Good for you for breaking that cycle. That's awesome. All right, so we're back to dad here.

Okay. We lived in the same town for quite a while, and then my mom got remarried. Now I live in Gillette, or I guess we lived in Gillette, and I was probably eight when we moved. He lived over there, but then he would move to Arizona, just different. He was a police officer and whatnot. I would see him once a year, maybe. I wouldn't see him very often, and he wouldn't really call very often. It got to the point where it bothered me a lot. The end of high school, beginning of college, it ate at me like that. I asked him to put in more effort. I called him one day and I just said, Hey, I need my dad in my life. He said he'd put in more effort, but it never changed. Yeah, of course.

What was your relationship like with stepdad?

It's great. Okay.

Good guy?

Yes, he's a really good guy.

That's awesome. Good on him.

He's going to be the one that's walking me down the aisle.

Good for you. Good for him. That's awesome. The data says that stepdads, a rotation of new men in a child's life is really disruptive. But I won't say rare. I don't know if I've got the data to say rare, but the unlikely event that a stepdad comes in and really just fills the gap is pretty awesome can make all the difference in the world in a kid. It sounds like that happened for you, huh?

Yeah.

That's awesome.

He was godsend. It was great.

Amazing. Okay. All right. He's walking you down the aisle. He's been your dad, but there's been this lingering voice, Why does my own real dad not love me, not want to be in my life? Right?

Yeah.

Two years ago, I would say, he has three boys in a different marriage. I tried to be and have a relationship with them. I went to the oldest boy's graduation. I hadn't seen him in I don't know how many years. He chose to go to his oldest boy's girlfriend's graduation party over spending time with me. That was tough. Then after that, I called him. He got home, and we hadn't talked in two years. Then he called me. He was like, Hey, what's up? It was just randomly out of the blue. Then he's like, Well, I'm going to this. You should come to it. Then he didn't even spend time with me. My fiance finally got to meet him. He had never met him, and he didn't like him. I called him and I was like, This is it. I need you to put in more effort. I need you to at least call me once a week if this is how If you want to be in my life. And he's like, Well, you know me. I'm just not a good communicator. I don't like to make phone calls. I don't like to text anything.

Hold on. Let's just stop right there. You know that's not true, right?

Yeah.

That's your dad saying, You know me. I've chosen a life that doesn't include you.

Yeah.

I'm sorry to say it that blunt and that direct. So what are you What do you seek to gain by inviting him to your wedding? A man who has done everything he can to opt out of your life.

I guess I just don't... What if he comes down later in my life and says, I'm sorry for everything that I've ever done. What if I regret that I didn't invite him?

Man. I wish you could be at 30,000 feet from this situation like I am because I'm watching a little girl to try to desperately solve a problem that was never hers to solve. A problem she didn't start, a problem that she can't finish. You're so haunted by that question, why won't my own daddy call me? Dads are supposed to go to weddings, but my own dad doesn't even want to go. It sounds like you've been working so hard to try to figure out ways that you could, things that you could do, meaning what is the thing that I need to fix so that he'll finally love me, that he'll finally be in my life? I think the time is on you now to own the fact that there's nothing that's wrong with you. It was him. He chose another family. He chose another life. I think you have to actually live in that grief for a while.

I think I actually was listening. It's been about a year ago since I listened to one of your episodes. There was a similar caller, and I can't remember what it was all, but she ended up blocking her dad. Immediately after I listened to that, I went and blocked him. I didn't talk to him at all. I haven't talked to him since. He usually sends me happy birthday, Merry Christmas text. He was blocked, so I didn't get anything. Have you had peace? Yeah. This last year has been actually really good. Okay.

Then I would say, don't invite the dragon back in.

Okay. I just struggled because I have a really good relationship with all these brothers and sisters and my grandma.

You know why? Because they opted into your life. Yeah. They're not cowards. They're great people. They made the absolute... They made absolute goal out of a really messy situation. They know no matter how they avoid you, you're always going to be in their life. Let's get to know Maddie, this amazing woman, this cool little girl, this awesome young woman going off to college, this amazing woman is about to get married. Also, let's both be honest. All the aunts and uncles and grandma can't replace dad. That big gaping hole in the middle of your chest.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think you open yourself. Let me say it this way. If you go to the doctor and you have cancer, you have a tumor, a cancerous tumor inside your body, they're going to do surgery. They're going to cut They're going to cut you open. They're going to injure you to go inside and get that tumor because that injury, that insult, they call it, that injury is going to heal. Then in the long run, you're You're going to be better off. You're going to be more healthy. What you're asking to do is, Can I cut myself open again for no chance of healing? I would tell you, don't do that.

Yeah, that sounds silly.

You see what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I think you have to grieve the fact that your dad's not going to be at your wedding. You've heard me a million times. I think there's ways to grieve things by writing letters. I think there's ways to grieve things. Maybe you write a final letter and send Okay. Hey, dad, I'm writing this letter on the Eve of my wedding, and every little girl wishes their daddy would walk them down the aisle, and you opted out of my life. Thankfully, another man is standing in your stead where you should be. This isn't a retribution letter or I'll show you because, dude, I'm telling you right now, it's hollow, hollow, hollow. It won't feel good. You think it will, and it looks good in the movies, it will not feel good. But I think it's a matter of you just simply, you've heard me use the analogy on the show, it's you. I'm not carrying these bricks anymore. I got a man who loves me, who's going to be an amazing husband, an amazing father. I've got a great stepdad who's walking me down the aisle, who stepped in the gap that you've left while you are off saving other people in your police job, your baby girl is at home wondering what she did.

Then I think it's important to let them know. Here's who I've become in spite of you. I'm an amazing woman. I'm a person of character. I treat people with dignity. I love so deeply. Super empathetic and compassionate. You missed out. You opted out. I wish you the best. But there's a process of you owning that. It'll probably be a very painful letter to write, you think?

Yeah.

Because it's you putting a period at the end of the sentence.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think- There's no going back after that.

Well, I don't believe that either. I don't believe that either because I think your dad could show up on your doorstep and then say, Well, you have me back. And you could say, Here's the steps that it would take. Or not right now. I'm starting a new marriage, and I don't need the extra drama right now. In six months, I'll haul a backer, I'll let you, and we can figure out what that would look like. We could do whatever it takes. But I don't believe in forever, but I do believe in dealing in reality. Reality is, dad opted out of your life. All these other wonderful people opted in. But the one that really counts opted out. We just have to sit in that together, right?

Yeah.

Do you know that you're wonderful?

I do. Everyone tells me that.

No, I don't care what other people say. Do you believe it? No, I really do.

I believe it. Good. Good. Good.

I think your mission now is, how do you set these bricks down? What's the process going to be? And maybe your husband can sit with you and say, Okay, I'm going to live in reality. I'm going to choose reality here. I'm going to set this down. My dad opted out. He opted out. But you opted in. Stepdad opted in. Mom's still here. Aunts and uncles are here. Awesome. I'm going to live in that reality. In the future, let's pretend that he circles back and wants to be a part of your life. In 10 years from now, you have a great relationship with him, which, by the way, statistically speaking, you won't. I think it's best to let that fantasy go, then he's going to live in the guilt that he didn't show up to your wedding, not you, because you were just dealing with reality right in front of you. So grateful for the call. We're with you, Maddie. Well, anytime. And congratulations on your new wedding. We wish you the absolute best. We'll be right back. Today's show is made possible by some of the best potions and powders on the planet, Organify. I first bought Organify with my own money after several of my brilliant, muscled up friends kept ranting and raving about how great they were.

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They're delicious. Even my kids will take them. They've become some of my favorite go-to supplements. Organify is hooking up our show listener gang with 20% off all Organify products, even the kids' line. Go to organify. Com/delonie or use promo code Delonie at checkout. That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I. Com/delonie or use promo code Delonie at checkout. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Pittsburgh and talk to John. What's up, John?

Hey, John. How's it going?

Partying, dude. What are you up to?

Just on some days off right now from the job, but just at home trying to get some stuff done.

Awesome. What's up?

Yeah, I've listened to your show for a long time. There was a caller a couple of weeks ago, maybe a month ago, that they were in a situation similar to me. Only they were 30 years down the road. So I thought I'd call in and just pose my question and see what you got from me.

Thirty years down the road, you see like, Oh, we're going to end up right there?

Yeah. They were speaking directly to me through their call, and they were 30 years into the marriage, right? All right. So I've come to the realization last year or so that I love my wife, but I don't like her a lot of the time. It just come to a really hard realization for me that there's a lot about her that I don't like. We've been married about seven years, going on eight. There's just times when I'm looking in the mirror like, What the heck? A little quick background, I guess. I was army. I was deployed a lot while we were first buried, and then we had our son during COVID. Then since then, I've gone to the airlines, and I'm an airline pilot now, so I'm gone a lot of the time. When I come home is the hardest time I have as far as liking her. When she suggests like, Hey, let's go on a date night, or let's go do this. Inside, I cringe a little bit, and I don't really know why or what to do about it.

Tell me things you don't like. Let's be specific.

Sure. One of the biggest things for me is she doesn't listen. Something as simple as we're driving down the road and I need to say, Hey, I need to stop for gas. Do you want anything when we stop? And then when we go to stop at the gas station, she's like, Why are we stopping? And then to more specific, deeper things to, We're having a conversation about something. And a day later, she's asking questions that we already talked about. And it's like, You didn't hear me when we were talking. Another thing is her emotional explosiveness. Sometimes where she'll just lash out. A lot of times, it's when she's overstimulated by either her son or in public, and sometimes it's on to other people. One example would be we were at a museum and she didn't download the app that we needed to to get into the museum. When they asked her about the app, she lashed out at the person asking her for the app. Really, it's like treating other people with disrespect sometimes and her emotional explosiveness is really hard for me to deal with. Then I find myself becoming overly critical of her in certain situations just because there is content there, and I do get frustrated with that.

Does she like you?

Does she like me? Yes, she likes me.

No, I know she loves you. Does she like you?

Yes.

Okay. Does she know that you don't like her?

She suspects it sometimes.

I was going to say, I guarantee you she does, whether she can verbalize it or not, she knows.

Yeah. I know sometimes she'll be like, Do you even like me? And of course, I'll say, Of course, I like you, and I love you, and all that.

Let me tell you, I think therein lies the problem. What you're experiencing, I want to tell you this, you're not crazy. It's not a weird thing or you're not dysfunctional or broken that there are seasons when you don't like your wife. You said it perfectly, you're past that. You've reached a point where, I don't like you just all the time. I don't like that person. I don't like the person person that is in the house. I don't want to spend time with this person because I don't know if you're going to treat the waitress ugly or not. Or I don't know if you're even listening when I talk to you. The response is you pull away a little bit, which sets off every alarm system she has, which just magnifies these behaviors. Because the behaviors you're talking about are shame behaviors, they're coping behaviors, they're immaturity behaviors. All of that, those things are solved with connection over time. And see how it gets in this weird dance?

Yeah.

And she knows, Oh, gosh, I didn't get the app. Here comes the lecture, and then she snaps at somebody. 100% on her. She's got to deal with that. But the challenge is, she's not on the phone, so I can just talk to you. Fair? Fair. All right. The challenge, I think, is before you is you have to tell your wife the truth. And I would say any more lingering with not telling the truth is cruel because you're watching your wife decompensate right in front of you. She's spinning out right in front of you.

Yeah, I understand.

Fair? Then the fantasy of it's all better when I'm on the road? It's not, but it begins to feel that way. That leads to fantasies about, I'm just going to stay over... If I could just not be here, everything would be great. Yeah.

All right. Yeah, because there was a period of two months where I didn't work. I was on call and they just never called. So I was at home all the time. It was great, but at the same time, I felt this need to go to work.

Well, yeah, it's because you're a provider. I don't do well. I like working. I don't do well just sitting at home, stewing. Like, Oh, we got 10 days I'm like,. It's not because I don't love my family. I love being around my family. My family's hilarious. It's just a group of chaos. I love it, but I love working. I love it. I don't love working at the expense of liking my wife, though. But I do think you're at a place where you have to sit down and say, I am struggling with how you treat people in public to the point that I don't want to be around you anymore. You ask me if I love you, absolutely, until the end of time. I'm struggling with liking you right now.

Yeah, because it definitely pours over to sexual attraction, physical attraction. Of course it does. Everything. Yeah, it's not that she's not attractive. I mean, we work out all the time and everything is more of that emotional connection. It doesn't matter.

That's right. Attraction is so much more than physical. No question about it. Absolutely. But she knows you don't like her, whether she intellectually knows that or if she feels it, and she needs you to be honest about it. I think it's going to require you to be very specific, and it's going to require you to set it up. Hey, we need to have a really hard conversation, like a state of the Union of our marriage right now. By the way, I said earlier, year seven to 10, this is a season. It's a messy season. I don't know a couple that hasn't gone through some existential, why are we doing this? Is this the right person? I don't even like this person. I'm not going to attract this person. It doesn't go through a series of deep hard questioning during that seven to 10 year mark.

That's what I hear. Year seven, eight, nine, and 10 is one of the hardest seasons.

It's hard. It's a tough season. A lot of it is you settle into these routines. Your life has, unintentionally so, just become the life you have. Right? And your wife is also imagining, wow, I'm just going to have a life where my husband's gone all the time. I'm going to have a life where, fill in the blank, X, Y, and Z, X, Y, and Z, X, Y, and Z. I'm going to have a life where I always have to be thinking about every detail because my husband's not here. And then when husband just shows up and starts talking, her head's still in the cloud, still thinking about details, thinking about this, thinking about this. But I think it's fair for you to sit down and say, When I talk, you don't even listen to me. Yeah. Or probably a better way to say that, don't say it like that, actually, because that's an accusation. I would sit down and say, I feel like I talk to you and you don't hear what I have to say. I feel that you are uninterested in the things coming out of my mouth.

Yeah. That is usually met with a layer of huge defensiveness coming from her. That's part of the not listening thing, right? When I talk to her, it's immediately defense mode.

All the behaviors you're telling me sounds like she is on permanent defense. Hopefully, you know enough about... I say, hopefully, who cares? In football, if the team is on defense all the time, they start wearing down. You have to get on offense to get some momentum going the other way. And the lashing out to somebody because she forgot something, you say, Hey, I feel this way, and she immediately internalizes that as criticism and comes throwing grenades back to you, that's Defense, defense, defense, defense. I think it's important to call that at the front of the conversation. Not going to engage in a fight with you. I'm inviting you into a very hard conversation about the state of our marriage.

Yeah.

Tell her on the front, if you want to fight, I'm going to get up and I'm going to walk away from the table because I don't want to fight you right now. I need to tell you what I'm experiencing in this. Then if we need to take a day, two days, three days for you to process it, where you don't feel like you have to lash and come back, cool. But I don't want to just go in a loopity, loopity, loopity loop. Then I said all the things, and nothing has changed. I think it's really fair, John, for you to lead the question, lead the conversation with the only person you can change, which is you, and that is, I want to become more likable. I do like you. Yeah, but I feel like you don't even listen to me. I feel like when I ask you a question, like at the museum, you just take it out on some stranger who didn't do anything. I don't feel comfortable being around somebody who is volatile, who goes off on strangers, who isn't just a joyful person to be around. That means I'm bringing an energy into this home that is not joyful, and I want to bring that home.

I want you to be excited when I come home. That means I'm not likable. What can I do to help that? Now what you've done is you've provided an invitation. Yes, she can still choose to hear it as accusation and go to war with you. That's fair. It's not fair, but that could happen. No question about that. Then I think there's a harder question. If she can't sit down at the table like an adult and have a hard direct conversation, then you can ask her if she wants to go see a therapist who can work that way, set some ground rules, and basically you have a neutral third party at that conversation. Or you have a harder question, which is asking yourself and her, is this marriage, are we going to stop being married? Because I can't continue to be married in this way. I can't continue to be married to somebody who is not excited who is not interested in me coming home, who treats the least of these in our communities like crap, who doesn't honor people, who is not respectful, who fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank.

She's probably going to come back with you, man, be like, Well, I've got some things that I... Cool. Let's have that grown-up conversation. Maybe you write her a letter, says, I love you, I love you, I love you. And the state of things is really messy. I want to invite you into a hard conversation, a conversation where we're not going to fight. Maybe you write that in a letter and she can hear it that way. But set it up on the front-end. Open your hands, go into it very open-handed with the idea, I want to learn how I can become more likable, more warm, more of a safe presence here at this house, a protector, a provider, somebody who is worthy of being anchored into. Because right now, all of your defense is telling me I'm not. Give her that shot. Let me know how that conversation goes, man. If you two ever want to call together, I would love that conversation as well. It'd be amazing. Appreciate you, brother. We'll be right back. I'm always talking about sleep. What I don't talk about enough is the role temperature plays in deep, restorative, and powerful sleep.

The problem in my house, and I'm sure it's like yours, is that I like it really cold, and my wife likes to sleep on burning colds. For me to get it cold, I have to crank down the air conditioner, often even in the winter, and It's wasteful, expensive, and it drives everyone else bonkers. But the gurus at 8 Sleep did it. I'm so excited that 8 Sleep is partnering with the Dr. John Deloney show to take care of our listeners and ultimately change your marriage and change your life. Our friends at 8 Sleep have created a fitted sheet with cooling and heating technology embedded in them. It's called the 8 Sleep Pod, and the pod cover can easily be added to your existing mattress like a fitted sheet for individualized temperature adjustments, down to 55 degrees for people like me and up to 110 degrees for people like my wife. This is based on your environment, your body temperature throughout the night, and it cools down or warms up each side of the bed. It learns you, and it does all this automatically. This will improve your sleep quality like you have to experience to believe.

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Hey, so I'll just jump to My wife and I have been married for 22 years. And end of September, last year, I came clean to her that I had amassed about $60,000 in unsecured debt that she didn't know about. She's forgiven me for that. But every time that some money conversation comes up, something gets tight, I still get super anxious, super angry, a lot of shame. And I'm just really not what to do with it. Yeah.

Why haven't you forgiven you, man?

Because I feel like an idiot. Yeah.

But because you haven't taken the steps to forgive yourself, you're just dragging this whole thing in the mud again. Because at some point, you're going to have to deal with how shameful you feel all the time, right? Right. You're just going to move from one numbing behavior to another. The last one was spending money. The next one is going to be a drink or a at work.

Yeah, that makes sense because the spending money was not the original issue. No.

What was it? Anyway.

Started off with pornography, then there was food, and then now the money issue.

It's definitely a pattern. Hold on, dude. Why don't you like you? You've never liked you. Why?

I don't know.

Tell me about it. You know why. You have a list of reasons why you're pretty worthless, why your life sucks. Why? What is it?

I just never really felt like I have measured up to the expectations of it for myself or what other people have for me, I guess.

Who's these other people?

Well, it would be people I work with, people I go to church with, would have been my parents growing up, kids at school, stuff like that. Just always felt like I was second best. Yeah.

Did your dad ever tell you he was proud of you?

Not until his deathbed.

Tell me about that.

He was pretty much a present but absent father, almost my entire childhood. We never really got along at all. Then In 2017, he came down with stage 4 cancer, and we had a great six months of spending time with him and him finally being an open, normal human being. Then he passed away in that November.

What about mom? Is mom ever proud of you?

Yes, my mom is very proud of me. Unfortunately, probably for her had to carry both of those parenting roles for me.

Is your wife proud of I don't know. Is she pretty critical of you? Or let me ask it this way in a weird way. Did you marry your dad?

I don't think so.

I'm fishing a little bit here, but go with me. You've heard the old marriage, you marry your unfinished business. If you grow up chasing, I will I'll do the thing the right way so that you will finally love me. You chase it, and you chase it, and you chase it. For some strange reason, we're attracted to people that make us chase. Not chase, sometimes in big supernatural ways, but I mean, just in little ways. I just want that glance. I just wanted her to touch my hand. I just wanted her to squeeze it just a little bit. I want to get done speaking, doing announcements at church or speaking at an event, I want her to look at me with that look. It's like, yeah. Over time, you end up your body is still trying to solve that question. Am I enough? Can I do the thing that you'll finally love me? When I say, did you marry your dad? That's what I'm saying. Totally different person. But did you marry somebody who's critical, always has a moving standard, a moving target that you're always chasing, never going to get it, never going to get it, never going to get it.

And your body just becomes so unhappy in the world you've created for yourself or allowed to be created that pornography, money, alcohol, whatever the thing is, I've got to feel alive somewhere because I'm dead in my home.

Yeah, I don't know if I've ever really thought that through. I mean, I definitely spent the first 10 to 15 years of our marriage where I would put it as being codependent chasing after and trying to make sure that Everything was right all the time. And in the last probably 5 to 7 years, I've really done some work to try to have my inner locus of control be me and not her.

The part of that conversation that often gets left out is this. She was somebody who received your chasing. Mm-hmm. That was her source of energy, her source of power in that relationship. Was she took the sword and tapped you on either shoulder. Good enough or not good enough. Then suddenly, five years ago, you alter the dynamic and begin to say, You know what? I don't need to take a knee before this. For your approval on all this stuff. If she doesn't join you in that, then what you have is a dynamic in a home that is scrambling for homeostasis. She wants her power back, and you are trying to figure out how to stand up on both feet. Often, what we don't talk about is like, Don't be codependent. All right, cool. When you alter the dynamic of a codependent relationship, the other person is starved of oxygen now. And the criticism gets louder and more sharp, or they just don't even... They don't bridge the gap. And so suddenly, you were connected. You were connected in their world. Now you're not codependent anymore, and you are all freaking alone. Does that ring true?

Yeah. I mean, I would say that I've definitely watched that struggle for my wife to figure out the new, I don't know if I would say new normal, but yeah, that... I mean, it's getting better because we've got both of us into therapy together. But yeah, that definitely has been part of the process of I'm becoming probably a different person than what she has been used to. Yeah.

You can't stop avoidant behaviors that are killing you. Could you think you're a piece of crap for doing them? Because at some point, the behavior is covering over the fact. It is wallpapering over that dislike for yourself, that not enough. The only way you're going to get long term relief and not just move on to something else and not white-knuckle every bit of your life. This is exhausting, right? Yeah. It's exhausting. The only way is if you look in the mirror and you look at that guy, Jacob, and say, I like that guy. That guy's worth laughing a lot. That guy's worth not owning but any money. That guy's I'm never telling the truth because who freaking cares? If you don't like it, you don't like it. See what I'm saying? You can hear my voice, and I'm not even trying to be dramatic. My whole voice changes because one of those things is peace. But you can only have peace when you know that you're loved and you know that you're worth being loved, and when you look in the mirror and be like, I'm all right. I like that guy. You may have heard me say this on the show.

I had a counselor challenge me hard, and it was one of the most embarrassing, brutal counseling sessions I've ever been in. She made me put my... She didn't make me, but she walked me through putting my fist in my chest and saying the words, I love this guy in a mirror. I couldn't do it, man. Could you do that?

I would feel really dumb.

Say it.

I love this guy.

Yeah. No, you asked that. He just asked a question. Yeah, nice try, dude.

Yeah.

No, say it. My name is Jacob.

My name is Jacob.

And I love this guy.

And I love this guy.

That's hard to say, isn't it?

Yeah. It doesn't feel real. That's right.

It feels like you're lying. That is that little boy on a treadmill who's 10 years old, still wondering, Dad, do you love me now? Do you love me now? And Thank God you got some resolution there. But by then, you'd already handed the baton off to somebody else. And by the way, it's not just your wife. You hand it to your coworkers, you hand it to people at church, you hand it to everybody except to the only person that matters, and that's Jacob.

Yeah.

So I'll tell you, man, until you forgive Jacob, the anxiousness is right. Let me say it that way. The anxiety you feel, it's right. It's right. Because your body knows it's not Jacob's not trustworthy yet because Jacob's not a piece yet.

Is that something that happens over time where you build, like you would build trust with a relationship with somebody else? You're building trust with the relationship with yourself, or is that just a mindset shift?

No, dude, you just nailed it. If you don't trust Jacob, who in the world can you trust? You have a history of not being honest with Jacob. I'm never looking in a pornography again. Never. Boom, three hours later. I'm done. I'm going to get this credit card paid off, and I'm just done. Boom. On to the next one. You are deceiving your wife, right? You're deceiving people at work. You're deceiving your friends, whatever. The person you're lying to is Jacob. Because Jacob internally knows with that fist in his chest, looking at himself in the mirror, you can't do crap. So, yeah, your mission is, I want to be somebody that Jacob trusts. Because Jacob's worth that, man. You see how it all works together? Just like in the loop, man. If Jacob's not even worth telling the truth to, then who cares, dude? I'm just going to go buy something else. If I can never please my wife, and that is the source, that's the reason I wake up every day. That's why cortisol courses through my veins because I need the energy to please this woman, and I can never please her. Then eventually, your body just shuts the system down.

Does that make sense?

It does.

But if suddenly Jacob's like, No, I'm worth forgiving to. I screwed up. That was the third time I screwed up. I'm a guy that always tells the truth. That's my identity. That's who I am. I'm going to reverse engineer that. What must be true for me to always tell the truth? I'm going to have to learn how to have some uncomfortable conversations. I'm going to have to set up a regular weekly meeting with my wife, and it's going to be called Uncomfortable Conversations with Jacob. I'm going to start practicing that because I'm a guy who always tells the truth. I'm a guy who does not run from feelings. I head straight into them. Those three things you've mentioned are all numbing behaviors. They're Xanaxes. You're a guy from this point forward who's going to head straight into that. Why in the world is my body trying to protect me by buying something that I can't afford? Why in the world is my body trying to protect me by watching other people have the sex I could be having right now if I just reached across the aisle and grabbed my wife's hand? Why is my body trying to Why do I feel like I'm dying inside?

Let's go straight into that and solve that problem there. You see what I'm saying? One of those is so much more empowering, and the other is the world just happening to me.

Right.

No, it's not like, I got to get the right mindset. I mean, that's some of it. You got to go snap into a slim gym. I mean, yeah, exercise is good for you. This is about going all the way to the core. Jacob's worth being loved. Jacob's worth telling the truth to. Jacob's worth Jacob's worth not chasing other people's for his approval.

Right.

How does that sound? Does that sound awesome or does that sound daunting?

I would say yes and yes. It's both.

It's both, right?

Yeah. I mean, I just finished reading, I don't want to talk about it.

Did it nail you? It felt like a biography.

It, right?

Yeah, dude. Man.

It was tough. You're echoing a lot of the same things that I just finished reading in that. Yes.

But you have to believe it.

Right.

I would recommend Dr. Reels' follow-up book. It's fantastic because it operationalizes, Okay, now what do I do? How do I deal with this? But I think at the core is my dad was going through what my dad was going through, and I didn't get it. I got the very, very end, man, but I didn't get it when I needed it. My wife, she had the tools in her toolkit up until now, and I've been chasing and chasing and chasing. I'm done with that. And then you have to ask yourself that one terrifying question, what am I going to do now? Right. I'm going to love Jacob. I'm going to honor that guy. And by the way, when you begin to do that, it's going to dysregulate your wife for a season. But what you're going to be, what you're going to become, and really in short order, this isn't like we're not talking years, we're talking weeks, we're talking months. You're going to become something that she's never had, which is someone she can anchor into. Then she gets to go ask herself some hard questions. Why? Why do I withhold love? Why do I dangle I'm proud of you, and then I move it, and I move it, and I move it?

Why do I treat the person that I love more than anybody else in the world that way? What you can say at that point is, I'm right here. You're anchored in. I'll go with you as you figure out that adventure. But you can't do that right now. By the way, I say all that to say when my wife and I had one of our, Hey, we can't keep going on like this conversations. I'll I'll never forget being so embarrassed, weeping at a table, crying. I looked at my wife and I said, I just need you to say you're proud of me. She was like, What? Of course. I mean, Look at all this amazing stuff you've done. I said, Yeah, but you never say it. She goes, I didn't know I needed to say it. Then last year, I had her come out on the stage, and the first word she said in front of the whole audience was, I'm so proud of But I had to give her the tools. I had to give her a key to the lock that was the inside of my chest. Here's what I need. I need you to say the words, I'm proud of you.

I need you to say the words, I love you, and I'm very, very tired right now, and it feels like I'm withdrawing. I'm not. I'm just exhausted. That was a gift to her, and vice versa. She gave me the things that she needed. But I could only get there when I believe, Deloney, you're worth being loved. Jacob, I'm telling you right now, I don't lie on this show. I lie all the other time, but it's not here. I want you to go get off this call and go into the bathroom, and I want you to make a fist and put it in your chest, and I want you to look in the mirror and say it five or six times. Look yourself dead in the eye and say, I love this guy, and this guy's worth telling the truth to. This guy is worth taking care of. This guy is worth exercising. This guy is worth never fudging the truth even a little bit because I don't care. This guy is worth dealing with those crazy, intense feelings. I love this guy. My guess is, Jacob, that you spent your whole life taking care of other people, making sure everybody else around you is okay.

I want you take that same energy in that same capacity for love. Look in the mirror, do the things that you need to do to make yourself feel safe and loved so that you can go do the work that a husband's got to do. You're worth every step of the way. Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you Building a Non-Anxious Life and Own your Past, Change your Futures. My gift to you, my brother. Call anytime. I'm with you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndaloni. Com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, the song is by maybe my favorite new band name, The Nicotine Dolls. Is this a new band? Never heard of them, but I just love that name.

They're not overly new, but they're just starting to gain some popularity. Got you. Yeah, they're a great band. I believe they're from Sweden. Okay. They have a really very cool sound. Awesome. Song is called How Do You Love Me. If you've got kids in the room and you're like, Let's listen to it, just get through the first verse and then jam it. It goes like this. If I call you up at 2:00 AM and I'm feeling sad and lonely again, I know you wouldn't be cruel. You just sit there and listen. If I cried instead, I'm terrified that I'm getting close to the day I die, you'd just shake your head and you'd tell me to go home. It's true that I'm probably not worth the battery life. Why do you still stick around or let me stay the night? I couldn't figure it out. If you wrote it all down, please write it down. How do you love me right now? I think that's a question way too many people are asking. How do you love me? I'll tell you because you're worth it. Love you guys. See you soon.