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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show.


I really hate being a mom.


Hates a really heavy word.


Tell me about that. Before I had my daughter, I just remember just being like, I don't want to have a kid. I don't want her to be like me. I don't want her to grow up the same way as me.


You're trying to do different things because you hate the way you feel. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. It's a show about your marriages, your relationships, your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life, parenting, dealing with kids in their schools and their teachers and whatever else you got going on in the world. We are here to help. This show is real people going through real stuff. This is not manufactured. This isn't us just making up things. This is not episodic writing. These are real people with struggles from all over planet Earth. People call them from all over the place, trying to figure out what to do next. If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, or go to JohnDaloni. Com/askask. Man, it makes such a huge difference if you just hit the subscribe button. Such a big difference. If you just hit the subscribe button, roll over to YouTube and hit the subscribe button there or whatever. You're listening to this on podcast. Just take a second, knock it out. It makes such a huge, huge difference. Also, I hope your New Year's gone all right.


We're a month in, I guess. A month-ish in, month in a week. It's not too late to get back on the horse. It's not too late. Everybody's got great intentions, and then it gets dark and miserable and cold. It's not too late to go. All right. Kind of blew that first month. Let's get back on it. Let's get back on it. All right, let's go out to Springfield, Illinois, and talk to Lois Lane. What's up, Lois?


Hi there, Superman.


Yes, I knew it. I'm going to clip that and make my daughter listen to it. What's up?


Well, speaking of New Year's resolutions and whatever, mine was to be more honest with myself.


Uh-oh. That usually comes with a lot of... Yikes.


I stirred the pot, that's for sure. Yeah, you did. My question is, how can my husband and I, of 32 years, communicate better so that we can interpret each other smoother?


Actually, this is going to sound embarrassing. There's two sentences that will change. I don't even know what you're about to say. There are two sentences I'm going to teach you that will change everything in your house. But the more important part is, will you and your husband actually do this? Tell me the story. Tell me the story of this romance and how we ended up here.


Okay. So way back in my college days, I I met my cousin's roommate. Before I even met him, I was interested just because he was the right age. Anyway, it was easy for me to know that he was the one. I was his first and only girlfriend. Gross.


It took- Gross. Like a Dawson's Creek episode. All right. You all looked each other across the room. The Titanic music started playing. You all, it happened, and then what?


We did everything in the right order. We graduated from college, waited a little over a year to get married. We did four years to have kids, and we waited because he was at me, and he got tired of me asking every five seconds, Can we have kids? Can we have kids now? So finally, I wore him down. My first one was pretty me, 1 pound, 11 ounces. I'm like, I don't think I'm ready for this. But it turned out wonderful. Then two years later, we had our second daughter, and that was going to be it for me. I'm like, Obviously, I need to just limit it to two. Basically, we just had the ideal life. He's an engineer, and I'm an accountant.


God, I bet your romantic talk is just... God.


But we're two different types of nerds. I like the big picture, and he likes the fine details. I like the bottom line, but also want to know, what did I overspend on my grocery budget? Because I'm still buying groceries for the grown girls because I go up to see them and I go out grocery shopping. Anyway, so there's this... We're in a different phase of life now. That is just the two of us. We were able to retire early. Because of Dave, and listening to him back in 2011, I finally got on the bandwagon and decided that I didn't have to laugh at my husband wanting us to pay cash for a car. Even though I was an accountant, I didn't really know personal finance. My husband is just like, Who is this Dave? Let's Let's just do it. Anyway, so now we're at the point- Bring me to right now. Yeah. Right now, it's like we're in a different phase of life, and I think we haven't communicated to each other what we want retirement to be like. Every little thing gets misinterpreted or we both like to be right, and so we don't trust what the other one's saying.


Okay. You want to give you an example?


Well, I'll take one in a minute, but I want you just to sit in something really uncomfortable. We're all telling the truth, right? Yes, right. You've listened to the show before, so I wish I had two hours just to hang out and have a margarita with you. I bet we would laugh our heads off. I would pay for it, of course, because you're an accountant. But I want us to be able to just cut to it. When you just painted me a picture, how long have you been married?


Thirty-two years.


Not one time did you talk about how much you liked that guy or your romance. You laid it out like it's in an Excel spreadsheet. I don't have any literature on this, so I'm over generalizing it. I'm actually making something up. I'm sure if somebody has a study, I would love to read it. But I can't imagine that sexual intimacy, just gooey, gross romance, just oooses out of an engineer married an accountant. You got it. What you just laid out for me is you all built a really functioning, good, profitable business together. I will applaud you. But, man, I hope you didn't miss out on the good stuff. Is that fair?




Does that hurt to hear that?


It's emotional because that's what I've been asking for for a long time.


I'm sorry. Is it something that your husband couldn't give you? What I mean by that is he didn't have the skills. He didn't know what he's doing, or is it something he was like, No, you don't get that from me.


Yeah, he says that a lot.


What's that?


That that's not his style. He just doesn't know how to have fun.


Okay. Give me an example of something. There's something that happened recently. That's why you would call. Tell me what that would be. I'm assuming that that's something that happened. Yeah.


It was just a week ago. I was going to run some errands, and then go to Bible study, and then it'd be home. One of the errands was to pick up an order. I thought the place would be open till 10:00 because it usually is open till 10:00. When I got there at 9:10, it was closed. Then it took me an hour to go grocery shopping. He got home at 11:00, and he's like, What took you so long? I was like, Well, I was trying to pick up the order I said, But they had already closed. I said, If I had known what time they closed, I would have been home a lot sooner. I wouldn't even gone grocery shopping. I would have waited some other time. He says, Well, I told you that they were going to close earlier, the ninth. I said, But you didn't. I said, You thought they closed at 6:00 on a Saturday. I don't know what day was. Anyway, I guess it was a Wednesday night. Okay. I said, I did talk to an employee, and normally they are open till 10:00, but when the time changes, they close at 9:00 until the time changes again, and then they close at 10:00.


He said that he saw right on the app that they closed at 9:00. Why didn't I see it? I said, Because when I opened the app, I was already there. I said, I didn't have time to look it up ahead of time. The fact that he knew that they closed at 9:00 but didn't tell me.


Did he know you were going to run a special errand for him?




When you asked, Why didn't you tell me? What did he say?


He said, I thought you checked the app.


Is that true or is he lying to you?


He doesn't lie. But in his mind.


In his mind, as Mr. Engineer, it would not ever occur to him to leave the house, not knowing exactly where he's going, what time they open, who the manager is, where that manager went to college. That would never even occur to him. If you say, you, Lucy Goosy accountant, if you're leaving the house, of course, you've checked all the time. But when you retold the story, can I tell you one thing that made me just cringe inside? Yeah. As you said, I want to do a nice thing for you. I went to try to that I love you. I wouldn't have if I'd known it, right? Then you had to get that jab in there.




You see what I'm saying? Then he just got stabbed, and he's got to stab you back. Now we're in the parking I'm not fighting over. What? Right?


Yeah. All right.


I'm going to be honest with you. I don't buy the that's just not my style. When you get married, you take a knee in front of somebody. You say, I will do whatever I can in my power to help meet your needs. It is not my style to be on time. Just not. I like having conversations. That's my style. My style is making somebody feel heard. My style is, dude, when I get there, it's going to be amazing. Everybody just chill out. My style is, I'm just going to wear black T-shirts everywhere because it makes my life easier. Then my wife says, Hey, I want to go out somewhere nice. It would mean a lot to me if you dressed up. I could say, That's just not my style. You know who you married. You know what that makes me? Excuse my French. It makes me an ass. It makes me a child. When she says, Hey, it embarrasses me when we show up places late all the time. Oh, that's not my style. That's not how I roll. No, dude. You got it. I got to change this. See what I'm saying? I don't buy his this or that, okay?


But I also want to dig a layer deeper. How much of this over the years has there been explicit instruction versus it doesn't feel as romantic. If I have to say it, it's just not romantic. If I have to say it and explain it and teach him how to do X, Y, or Z, then it just doesn't feel like it matters as much to him. It's about the thing that I tell parents all the time who have first kid. You have to put sex on the calendar now. I know somehow Hollywood told you that means it's not as good or something, but you have a toddler now, so you can have no sex or planned sex. That's it. That's the two choices you got. Similarly, have you spent 30 years hoping he just gets it and then being really mad that he didn't get it? Or have you been really explicit with, I need you to love me like this? Because those are two different scenarios.


In the last 10 For 10 years, I've tried to voice exactly what I want. I want a foot rub every day.


Okay. I get it all. Let's take that. What does a foot rub mean to you? Besides it feels good, obviously, foot rub feels good.


Because it's like for my health, I actually need it. It just makes my day so much better.


Okay. Also, is it cool to have the man you love for 33 decades, 30 years, just stop everything and focus on you for a minute?




Okay. Yeah. And skin-to-skin contact is magic. If you've watched Pulp Fiction, we all know that foot massages are erotic, all of it, and you need it.


It doesn't even have to be erotic.


I know. I'm just being silly. But it's everything. There's circulation issues and all that. What does he say? I'm not doing that.


Or does he do I usually have to remind him that I really need one. But last night, he did it without me even asking.


Have you ever told them the layer beneath the layer? Because here's a perfect example. Somebody says, Hey, I need you to do X, Y, and Z for me. I need you to rub my shoulders because I've been lifting weights and I've got pain in my shoulder. I've just made our exchange an ROI. I've made it a a transaction. I've made it a medical procedure. I hold all of my stress. Every ounce of stress in my life, I hold it in my neck. My wife is a master off-grid chiropractor. She can pop my back in the wildest way. It's awesome. But I told her once because I always say, Hey, we pop my back, we pop my back, we pop my back. One time I told her, this is years and years ago. Hey, it means something to me. Just that moment of connection when you're tracing down my spine, trying to figure out where it's out when you take a moment. But when I explain to her, Hey, this is medically and this is transaction-y, and I'm actually asking you to pause what you're doing to do a chore for me. Also, this is a moment where we can connect.


Dude, she has never once said no. She will ask me. She can now watch. She started watching for the way I walk. But it was me explaining, Hey, there's a level deeper here. But I think where you and your husband sit is this. Let me ask you the scary question. Are you going to end this marriage? Are you out? Have you reached a point where you're saying, I don't want the next 30 years of my life to be like this?




Okay. There's two sentences. One is from Dr. Brené Brown, and the other is from Dr. William Glasser, that have We've formed marriages all across the country. I'm going to give them both to you right now. Cool? Yep. All of this is going to sit on a foundation of, Hey, husband, I want to go on a weekend retreat with you. You can bring your spreadsheets, you can bring your architectural designs, you can bring your strategic planning tools. But I want to... Our life has changed. Our daughters are gone. Everything in our home is different, and we have to re-imagine our marriage. I don't like bickering at you. I don't like poking at you, and I don't think you like poking at me. I know you're very smart, and hopefully, you don't think I'm dumb, but we've just started talking to each other. I speak in Spanish, and you talk back to me in Italian, and I want us to learn a new language together.


Yeah, Spanish and German. There you go.


Spanish and German. There you go. If you sat down and said, Hey, I've booked us this retreat for half a day, for a whole day, Would he say, and I want to reimagine our marriage for the next 25 years because we get to decide whether it's fun or whether it just keeps being this. Would he be happy about that or would he be like, Oh, God, another thing to do?


Actually, we did this something like that Two years ago. He's been wanting to do something again.




As far as imagining it, he just feels like we have to plow through all the past before we can dream again.


I think it's best to have a place where we're going. When somebody comes into a gym and says, Hey, my doctor told me that if I don't lose 100 pounds, I'm going to die. The personal trainer doesn't sit there and go, Well, all right, we're going to have to go in that back room for the next six months, and we're going to have to figure out why you ate so much and why you put on... No, we're going to start losing weight. I think the best way to peel back the past, and it's going to sound wild, is to sit We sit down and ask each other 25 years from now. I'm 75, you're 75. What do we want our house to feel like? What do we want our marriage to feel like? Warmth, Hilarious, joy, grumpy. What do we want it to feel like? Where do we want it to be? I want you to paint a picture so clear as to where you're headed. Then we're going to reverse engineer it. What has to be true? For me to come home in this thing to be warm? Man, I got to learn a new way to talk to you.


You see how we're going to get there that way? Because you two don't have the skills to go in the back. And go through the old boxes because both of you get ashamed, both of you feel some guilt, both of you feel attacked, and then you just start knifeing each other, and then it's over.




I don't think you all have the skills to go backwards yet. I do think, based on the world you've created, two amazing daughters, you retired early, you all can work together as a team. I want you all to work together and build, imagine this thing you all could have in 25 years. Financially, romantically. Do you all still want to be 75-year-old couple still trying to figure out and have some sex? Put that on the thing. Put all of it out there. And then here's the two questions. They're going to get you there. Number one, I want both to ask the question or say this out loud when you are interacting. Let's take the situation that happened at the store. Man, I got home. What took you so long? Well, dude, I went to go pick up that thing for you, and they were closed. I know. Didn't you check the app? Pause. Honey, the story I'm choosing to make up is that you think I'm stupid. The phrase, the The story I'm choosing to make up is, and that's from Dr. Brown. Well, didn't you? You know that they close, The story I'm choosing to make up is that you think I just got in the car in the middle of the winter and drove around the neighborhood till 11 o'clock.


And vice It's first to he'll say, The story I'm choosing to make up is after our great date last night, you just don't think I'm attractive anymore and you don't want to have sex with me. And you can go, Actually, that's true. You've put on 75 pounds when you talk about that. I'm worried about your health. Or It could be, Oh, honey, I had gas so bad while we were eating dinner all night. I was trying so hard not to blow you out of the restaurant. It had nothing. You see what I'm saying? Yes. But that phrase, the story I'm choosing to make up is, You don't think that our daughters are worth groceries. He can say, Oh, no, honey, you've been taking care of them for so long. My story is they're grownups. They need to buy their own groceries. That has nothing to do with you, but it might come out of you. See what I'm saying? That's sentence number one. Sentence number two is, what is your picture for? We speak in pictures. I'm sorry. We speak in words, but we think in pictures. You both say, I need you to go pick up that thing.


I'm going to go pick up that thing. Cool. You have a picture of what that looks like. You going at nine o'clock at night and then going ahead to pick up groceries afterwards. Your husband has a picture of what that looks like, which is, check the app, see if they're open. They're not even open. We're going to go tomorrow. Or, Hey, we're going to go visit the girls. Well, when you say that, his picture is, Cool. We're going to make a nine-hour drive, no bathroom stops, no food. We're going to get there. We're going to hang out for 24 hours. We're going to come back. Your picture of, Hey, we're going to go visit the girls. Same exact words are, Well, I'm going to swing by the store. I'm going to shop at Costco and spend $850 to make sure they don't have to buy groceries for the next calendar year. Then we're going to spend three days. You're going to reroof the house, honey. I'm going to make... See what I'm Mm-hmm. Then he gets mad that you want to stop, and you get mad that he doesn't want to stop because you both said, We're going to go see the girls.




Before my wife and I do anything, I asked it last Last night. Hey, what's your picture of tonight look like? What's your picture of the morning look like? Because sometimes my wife will say, Hey, I just need some space tonight. Kids have been bananas. I'm like, Cool. After dinner, after everything's put away, and after the kids are in bed, you don't want me messing with you. Mm-hmm. Cool. For her, space means, Oh, no, no, no, no. When you walk in the door, I'm leaving. You're doing dinner. It's accurate. Exactly. Hey, when she says, Hey, tonight I need some space, and I say, What's your picture of that look like? And she goes, Yeah, at five o'clock, I'm going to go take myself to dinner, and I'm going to get some writing done. Awesome. Dude, I love spending my night with my kids. It's chaos. It's so fun. I don't like feeling like I let her down because then I feel ashamed. I don't I like feeling like I'm failing in my own house, which you all have probably both felt for 30 years. Those two sentences will dramatically transform your marriage if you're both committed to making this thing amazing.


And this thing amazing, number one, you have to sit down and talk about what your picture of amazing looks like. And that is the planning. Let's go away for a retreat and build. Where are we going to live? What's our house going to look like? Both of you all take some time and get on Pinterest or Google. Find some houses you want to have. Are you going to move by the girls? Are you going to stay here? What cars are you going to have? Are you all going to be fit 75-year-olds? Are you going to be 75-year-olds? I don't give a crap anymore. I'm eating pizza, Twinkies, all that. What world are you all going to build? Romantically, sexually, financially, practically, geographically? What world do you want to have? And then reverse engineer it to right now. What has to be true? I'll leave you with one more thing. As you all get Start looking in the back room at those old boxes, the way you all used to treat each other, the things you wish, things you regret, all that. Always use the word I. I want to be more intimate, and I didn't tell you or I told you, but I don't think I made it clear enough for it.


I'm sorry. I wanted to do X, Y, Z. When you start lobbying you, then you all are going to have to fight each other. So make all the frustrations and complaints. When you all start going in the past about I. I need this. I want this. I don't want to fight you about an app anymore. I don't want to fight you about trying to do a nice thing for you. I don't want to fight you about going to visit the girls. I don't... Make it about I. Okay? And not in a passive, aggressive way, but very much, I'm just telling you what I need. I think there's a lot of hope for you, Lois, especially if you all get on the same page and you say, All right, we're fighting for this thing. We're building something amazing. Use those two sentences to transform everything. Then you got to go do it. Let me know how that retreat goes. We can't wait to find out. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored by Better Health. Hey, it's Jeloni. Some people think relationships are going to be easy if they're going to be right. That's almost never true.


Great relationships get that way because both people put in the work to make them great. Therapy can be a place to work through the challenges you face in all of your relationships, whether with friends, people at work, your romantic partner, or even how you get along with yourself. If you're thinking about starting therapy, I want you to try better help. Because therapy isn't just for people who've experienced trauma, it's great for building skills so you can be the best version of yourself. You can show up in those relationships and do your part to make the relationship great. Betterhelp is completely online, so it's flexible enough to fit your schedule. Just fill out a short questionnaire to get matched with the licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no extra cost. Find the path forward to make all of your relationships incredible. Visit betterhelp. Com/delonie today to get 10% off your first month. That's Betterhelp, H-E-L-O-N-I. Com. Delp. Com/deloni. All right, let's go out to Welcome to Miami and talk to Tony. What's up, Tony? Hi, how's it going, John? What's up, T-Money? I'm doing good, man. How about you?


I'm doing well.


Excellent. What's up?


I got a question. I'm in a construction business with my dad and my brother. My brother's 32. I'm 25. I just had a We just had a kid in November.




Thank you. I'm trying to figure out the next step in my life with the business. Dad has I've worked with dad my whole life. I enjoy the work we do, but I don't see... He's always said that he wants to give the company over, but I still feel like I'm 15, and I don't know how to approach him.


Those are two different things, brother. Those are two different things. Okay. Okay. There's the business side, the succession side, the transition side, and then there's the, I'm sick and tired of being treated like a child. I'm sick of going to work every day thinking I'm going to disappoint my dad.




Right? Or he talks to you like you're stupid. Fair enough?




I hate that for you, man. I hate that. Have you talked to him about it? Probably not. That's a hard conversation to have.


I've tried. I haven't gotten too far with it. It usually ends an argument between us.


You're not going to like my answer. I think you probably got to go get another job because ultimately, you're going to lose your relationship with your father. Over a construction business, and that relationship is not worth it, then he's not going to change. I don't see another path forward unless I'm missing something. Is your brother experience He's been doing the same thing?


Yeah. We have a lot of frustrations with that. It's like he doesn't hear us. We are foremen out on the construction site, and there's a lot of things we see that are lacking. When we bring them to his attention, he says that he's been in the business longer than we ever have and that he knows best. It gets pretty I feel like I'm disrespecting him or letting him down if I leave the company.


But you disrespect him and let him down in his eyes every time you tell him ways that you can do your job better. Yeah. You're not a foreman. You're a glorified secretary. He wants you just to count heads. He doesn't care what you think. He doesn't care after you're on site, what actually should be going on or ways you could make the company me more money or streamline things or have better customer service. He didn't care what you have to say. You're an admin, dude. And then he wraps it up with, look at this big, beautiful family we have. Look at this big, beautiful business that I'm building for my family. Family, and he wraps up in a bunch of family talk. And then that's just a nooser on your neck, right?




And if you try to help out this big family business, you're betraying him. You're shaming him. How in the world could his little baby boy, his child I will know more than he does? I would say, well, you trained him and taught him. When I'm hunting with my son, my son's 13. When he comes back and says, Hey, dad, don't go over that hill. Go around this ridge. I love that. His eyes work better than mine. He's got sharp little eagle eyes because he's a kid. But your dad somehow hears that as a threat, as a shame. And so he wants this cake, and he wants to eat it, too.


How would I go in that with him? What would be the way that I could do it? I mean, for me, I've given everything I have to this company, and in my heart, I know I can walk away from it in that aspect, content knowing that I gave everything I have. But how do I go forward in that? I don't know how to approach him that he doesn't blow up on me.


Well, I think There's two sides to this. Number one, you got to get out of your head that you can control him at all. You can't. The only person you can control here is you, your thoughts and your actions. I think it's noble, and I think it's right to treat your parents with dignity and respect, even if they don't deserve it. That doesn't mean I'm going to stay with them forever. That doesn't mean I'm just going to be abused. No. Dignity and respect means I'm going to sit down and I'm going to treat you with character, with dignity. You can respond like a child. The way I would phrase what you're going through is, Hey, dad, I need to have a hard conversation with you. It's going to be hard, and it's going to be one of those things that in the past has ended up in a argument, and I don't want to argue with you. I respect you too much. Can you let me know when you got some free time? Let's do it right now. No, now is not a good time. Can we set up on a Saturday morning or something like that, Sunday morning?


I would go about it that way. Then my conversation with him, your heart's going to be beaten out of your chest. You're going to be nervous. But I would let him know, Hey, dad, I have reached a point where I'm struggling being both your son and your foreman. I'm not willing to lose my relationship with my dad. I want you to be a granddad to my kids. I want you to be a part of in my life, and I'm struggling to hold both of these things. I think the best thing for me to do over the next few months is to find a new job so that you can go back to just being my dad and just being a granddad to our new baby. What you've done in that situation is you've made it all about you. If he asks you, well, then you can tell him, What do you mean? What would have to change? What do you mean? That's hard for me because at work, you talk to me in a certain way that you wouldn't talk to me as your son. I want to be a foreman where when I say, Hey, we need to do this, this, and this, that the supervisor who hired me lets me do my job.


But only answer those questions if he invites it. It'd be even better if your brother came with you. But he's probably next in line to be the CEO, and he's probably not going to do that, is Yeah. That's the only avenue forward I can see. And your dad may hit the roof. And at that point, you'll be like, Hey, man, I'm going to head out. How dare you? I'm going to head out, man. You're a 25-year-old man. You don't have to sit there and listen to somebody yell and scream at you. Treat you like you're five because you're not. You're a grown man. You have a child. You have a job. Obviously, you're very talented in what you do.




Okay. How's all that sitting in with you? Because you knew I was going to say this before you even called, right?


That's what my wife is telling me.


Would she be happy with you getting a new job?


Yeah. Okay. I don't know why I feel so pulled to be here.


I don't know. I could tell you exactly why. Because it's been your job to take care of your old man your whole life. When he gets pissed off, I guarantee you he says, Look what you made me do. Or if you had just done this, this, and this, then I wouldn't have had to fill in the blank. Am I right?


Yeah. Yeah.


That was never your job. That was his job. In a weird way, you've been parenting him the whole time you've been alive. It's been your job. Don't do that. Dad's going to get mad. You better make sure you get those grades. Dad's going to get pissed. You better be there earlier. Dad's going to get... That's been your whole life. It feels like you're abandoning a child because that's what you've been doing your whole life. You've been taking care of his sensitive little emotions, his childish emotions. And by the way, if he was on the phone with me right now, I would tell him, shame on you. It's never your child's job to make you feel okay. It was his job to train a 25-year-old and a 34-year-old or 32-year-old, however old your brother is, into the men who can run this company and to trust them and to take care of them. He didn't do that. He has a fantasy on one hand about this big family business, which is noble and awesome. And he's got this other emotional deficiency, which is his boy's responsibility to make sure he looks good. It's not. When you start to pull away, your body is going to fight you because your body is like, Dude, if we leave, he implodes.


That's on him. You got to do what's best for your family, what's best for you, and quite honestly, what's best for your relationship with your dad. It sounds like right now, you're starting to resent him. Every time he calls you and yelling, every time he texts you really hot, you're like, You got some skills. People are probably reaching out to you. Man, I'd love it if you come run my fill in the blank. I think it's worth the final conversation, but I think it's good setting it up on the front-end. Hey, this is going to be hard, and I'm not interested in arguing with you. I'm just coming at you, man to man, father to son. Can we have an adult conversation? Yeah, sure, son. Let's go out of that way. I'm proud of you, brother. Hey, man, maybe he's like, Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't do this right. Maybe it all changes. Probably not, but maybe. Like I said, all this is even more helped if your brother with you. Maybe run it by him first. Proud of you, man. Hard, hard stuff. Congratulations on that new baby. Call anytime, brother. I'm with you.


We'll be right back. Today's show is made possible by some of the best potions and powders on the planet, Organify. I first bought Organify with my own money after several of my brilliant, muscled up friends kept ranting and raving about how great they were. And now I take them every single day. Even my wife and kids are in on and they're an essential part of my wellness routine. You all know that I take a number of supplements every single day, depending on what my goals are and what I'm trying to accomplish. But overall, Organify has helped me reduce the number of individual supplements I take by bringing some of these things all together. Here's the deal. Organify makes everything easy because it's a powder that you mix with water. They also have capsule supplements. After you drink it, you're off to the races, off to better digestive health, or off to deep sleep. Here's an example some of the things I take every day. I take the green juice and the red juice all the time. The green juice levels me out and gives me the critical micros that I need, and the red juice gets me ready to rock and roll in the morning without mainlining caffeine.


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It's good. How are you?


Good. What's going on?


I really hate being a mom, and I'm having a really hard time with motherhood in general. I'm just worried about my marriage and then the relationship I'm going to have with my daughter because it's just really hard.


Yeah. Hates a really heavy Tell me about that.


I mean, there's nothing wrong with her. She slept well. She smiles all the time. I mean, it's just every day, it's the same song and dance. I really want to like it. I sit there and I feel how happy my husband is and how much she just loves it. I just can't even bring myself to even just like it. I don't know why. I feel terrible because I know my husband deserves someone who wants to be there and my daughter deserves someone who loves her. I love my daughter, but not in the same way that my husband loves her.


Can I tell you, I don't know if I fully believe that. Why do you think your daughter deserves a better mom than you?


I just don't feel like I'm good That's it.


You're sick of feeling this way. Why don't you think you're good enough?


It's just so hard.


It's the worst. It's the worst. It's the worst. It makes you just want to curse Pinterest, doesn't it?




And all the mommy guilt blogs that are out there. People building accent walls with their kids and their little slings and making their sourdough bread. Why do you think you're so bad at this?


I just see how other people- I don't give a crap about other people.


What about you?


I don't know. I remember before I had my daughter, I just remember just knowing I didn't want kids. I just knew my limitations. I just knew… Because how I grew up was just rough. I mean, it's not the perfect life, but it is what it is. I just remember just being like, I don't want to have a kid because I just don't want her to be like me. I don't want her to… I I grew up the same way as me. I'm trying really hard to change the things that my family, how they raised me and stuff. It's just been really hard. I know because you're trying to make changes out of hatred.


You're You're trying to do different things because you hate the way you feel. You're trying to do things different because you hate the way you grew up. That always feels like you're pulling a sled uphill on ice. Instead of, oh my gosh, dude, I get to build, I get to decide what this life looks like, and I'm worth more than this. And so I'm going to make it amazing. That's sustainable. It's like going to the gym and working out because you hate your body. You're trying to punish your sofa looking crappy. Versus, I'm going to go to the gym because I'm worth an hour and I want to feel amazing. One of those is going to end, and one of those is going to keep going forever. But it sounds like you didn't want to have a kid because you knew how you felt all those years.


Yeah, I know. How do I just cope with it then? I feel like- You don't cope.


You build something amazing.




That's what I'm asking you. What do you want your home to look like? What do you want it to feel like? Let me say it that way. What do you want it to feel like?


Like love.


Okay, what does that even mean?


You come home and there's You just feel loved. No.


Break it down for me. Be very specific. What does love look like? Because here's why. You're going to keep chasing a feeling, and that feeling is never going to get there. Because your body doesn't even know what that feels like.


I guess Just everyone… Be happy is even vague itself. I just want to come home, and I just want to know that everything's okay, I guess.


Is your husband Are you broke-worthy?


Yeah, he is.


Is your baby healthy?




Are you all broke? Are you okay financially?


Yeah, we're fine financially. We do the Dave Ramsey and everything.


Do you have stable work?


Well, I'm not working. I'm a stay-at-home mom right now because you know.


All right. No, because you know. No, that's a choice you all made. Are you lonely as all get out?


I don't feel lonely. I have my sister comes over all the time. No.


Do you have a group of girlfriends, you put the kid and hand the kid to somebody else and you get away for a minute?


No, I don't do that. It's just really... I feel guilty if I do that. Okay.


You're dying right now. Choose guilt over resentment because you're starting to resent your kid. You're starting to resent your husband. You're starting to resent your home. You're resent your life. Choose guilt.




That's fair.


Because I think underneath all of this, you don't like the life that has... I would say that you've created, but I don't think it was ever intentional. I think it just kept happening. When you have a kid, everything gets super real because that kid wakes up at the same time, no matter how late you stayed up, and that kid needs to eat no matter what. That kid, God, they don't stop pooping.


Yeah. Right?


Then you You start having fantasies of remember when.


That's every day for me.


Remember we had money? Remember we could just have sex all the time? Remember when we just went out?


I miss those days, man.


It's okay to miss them. But the assumption here is that that was somehow better than what you can choose to build right now.


So it's essentially changing your mindset then.


No, you got to... I I mean, yes, there will be some of that, but you can't just do that in a vacuum. You can't just sit on the couch and just be like, Change mindset. Sucky thing is now awesome. And that's what Instagram tells you to do. Just change your mindset. Now, you got to do differently. Because I don't think you hate your daughter. I don't even think you hate being a mom. I think you hate being a mom in the world where you have found yourself. And quite possibly, you hate the routine. Quite possibly, you hate feeling like your husband's doing a better job of this than you are. Quite possibly, your body is beginning to awake in little GPS pins it put in you a long time ago that said, This isn't safe. This is not safe. And your body is recognizing that little girl, and it's like, Here we go. She's going to be in the same crap you are. And that just gets so exhausting.


I agree.


Is that fair?




Have you fully accepted having a baby yet? How old is this baby?


She's one.


Okay. Have you fully accepted, I'm in? This is a strange thing to say, but there's nowhere to go. You're a mom. Yeah, I know. You know what I mean?


Yeah, I know. I know. I feel guilty for saying this, but it's just like there are days where I just really want to walk away. Of course. And I feel terrible.


That makes you normal. I just feel terrible. That makes you normal. I've been snowed in at my house. I don't know anybody who's got a better marriage than I do. I don't know anybody who's got better kids. I love my kids. They're a riot. We've been snowed in for the last four days. I was super-hyped to leave the house today, right? I was really happy to drive a normally a 30-minute drive. It took me over an hour and like 15 minutes. I loved that drive, trying to not die on icy roads, just to get out of the house from it. That doesn't make me a terrible dad. It makes me a human. I will say this, you got to stop with a comparison game because what you're doing, it's almost pornographic. You've got these fantasies about what this thing is supposed to look like and feel like, and it's not real. Moms are allowed to just want to scream and go running out into the street. Moms are allowed to leave the house and go hang out with their girlfriends. In fact, they have to do that, or they'll go mad. Moms are allowed to go back to work, even part-time, to go have adult interaction.


Moms are allowed to not have to sit there and listen to their sister, who is my best friend, just sit there and repeat the whole childhood crap that we both grew up with.




Moms are allowed to be annoyed that dad just seems to be doing this perfectly. All those things are human. What's more important than those feelings is, what am I going to do next? And have me and my husband sat down and said, All right, the marriage we had is over. Let's be sad for a second. It's going to be a long time before I jump up on our kitchen table when nobody's here and take my shirt off, husband. Those days are over now, at least for the time being. They'll come back soon, but just for this season, we got to build a new marriage. What do we want it to look like? And that's the magic thing. The nerd word in our counseling world is called agency. Your body is slowly dragging you to the back seat of your life in a sucky life, and that's the one you got thrown into when you were a kid. I want you to take agency. You are driving. What do we want this thing to look like? What has to be true in my home so that I can enjoy this extraordinary adventure I'm on called motherhood?


When some mom is like, Oh, my gosh, I love every second of it, you could say, A, go set yourself on fire. That's fine. And B, good for you. That's not me. That's not me. Okay?




Is that fair? Here's your homework assignment. Yeah, fair. Your homework assignment is this. Your feelings are reminding you of the way things used to be, and they're working. They're doing great. Guilt is reminding you of things that happened when you were a kid, and you were not going to repeat them. Neither of those things are telling you the truth. Okay? Yeah. So when you feel a certain way, you feel like, I hate all of this. I feel like I want to go running into the street. I want you to take your hand, and I want you to place it right in your chest. I want you to exhale really big and say, Thank you, body, for trying to take care of me.


That makes sense.


Then we're going to go do the next right thing. The only way you can have a next right thing is if and your husband get together by yourself without baby, and you tell him all the things you've told me. We've stumbled into a world that I don't love, and I want to create a new marriage. Now, where we still have crazy adventurous sex, and we still have this, but we just have to do it at 8:30 because I'm tired. Or I can't have another human bawling at my body right now. I know that's awful and sad. Here's some things we can do for intimacy. I know you're going to be dying over there. I might not going to let you Here's what that might look like for us in this particular season. By the way, season three months, season six months. Season is not four years. But all of this is going to lean back towards you've got agency. You get to decide what happens in this next season. I'll also strongly suggest two things. Number one, please, please, please, please, There's a heaviness. It's good to be around other moms, and you don't feel crazy, and you don't feel like you're the only one, and you don't feel like you're the worst mom who's ever existed.


I hate this because my daughter deserves better than me. She does not. She deserves her mom, you. But there's something about the social norming of being around other people that make you go, Okay, I'm not bananas. What do you do? And what do you do? Amongst all that wisdom, you're going to find something that works for you. Awesome. The second thing is I want you to call a counselor. I want you to meet with somebody because you got some bricks in your backpack from your childhood. It's going to make motherhood tough for you. That doesn't mean it's not going to be beautiful or an amazing. It's This is going to mean, cool, I got to learn some new skills that I don't have in my toolkit. Awesome. That's what a counselor is going to help you do. But all of these are steps towards building your amazing life. And you've got agency. You get to do that. I'm proud of you for making the call, man. It's big time. You said some things out loud that are hard to say, and I honor you. Really, really strong of you. Now the scary thing is going to build something new.


I 100% believe in you. Stay on the line. We're going to hook you up with building a non-anxious life and on your past, change your future, and all the couples questions for humans decks so you and your husband can have something to talk about besides, Oh my gosh, I hate this, and the baby pooped again and again and again. I'm grateful for you, Kyla. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non Unanxious Life. Get your copy today at JohnDaloney. Com. All right, we're back, and it's time for Am I the Problem? Go for it, Kelly.


Yes. All right, this one's anonymous. I'm just going to read it. Hello, John. I have to admit that I feel a bit silly asking this question, but social media inevitably plays a role in relationships nowadays, and certainly it's influencing mine. I've asked my boyfriend to change his status on Facebook to show that he's in a relationship, but he won't do it. For those of you all that can't see the look on John's face right now, it's fantastic. We've been together for over a year, and I brought up this topic to him a couple of times. He does not think this is important since, Everyone in his life knows me in person and knows that we're together.


Just break up with the dude. Just break up with the dude. It's over. Just break up with the dude.


Following this logic, I don't see what the issue is in his sharing our relationship on social media as well. He never posts pictures with me in any of his social media platforms, and I don't think he has intention of doing so. Am I the problem for needing this type of validation?


I think everyone's the problem here.


Exactly. It's not just her because this is what society is telling her.


Her request is so benign. Let me put it this way. If you say, Hey, we've been together for a year. Can you put that on social media? And he's like, No, it doesn't even matter. Wait till you say, Hey, honey, I think that I want to set our child on fire because I haven't talked to an adult in the last five months. Can you watch the baby tonight? I ain't doing that. I'm watching the game. You think that this request is so small, it's so obnoxiously meaningless, that, yes, it is dumb that he's fighting you on it. So he's the problem. What a weird world that we've entered.


Why is that so important? Why does that have to be- Is he a trophy for you?


Is it like He needs to display it out there? Or I think he's got something on the side, which I actually think. I think that to be true because I know, I know. In times in my life, when I didn't tell people I was dating. I still had a line in the water.


But if he says in here, Everybody that knows us knows we're dating. Here's my question. I'm going to throw this back on you a bit. Okay. If this was you today, you wouldn't post him on social because you don't do much social media. Right. Maybe he's just that guy. He's like, I don't need to do that. I don't post my life on social media.


But there's him saying, Hey, I'm trying to protect you. I don't want people to write mean comments about you. I don't want any of that stuff.


Maybe he has, too. That's fair. Maybe she's like, Oh, but this is what all my friends need to see. He says it in here, Everybody that knows us knows you, and they know we're dating. I don't think he's hiding her. I think she just needs to not... If it was my husband, he would be like, I'm not posting that. Nobody...


If I know.


Why do everybody I know know that everybody that I care about knows? Why do a bunch of people I don't know need to... Exactly. Why do we care what they think? Yes.


I think Irvine, the club, is a problem here. But I will ask... Yeah, I will say, if you need this external validation, check yourself before you wreck yourself. That's all I'm going to say. In the wise words of Wreck it Ralph. Is that who said that? I don't know who said that. Who's the originator of check yourself before you wreck yourself?


I don't think it was Wreck it Ralph.


Is it Zack Galfinackis?


But I'm pretty sure it wasn't Wreck it Ralph.


Hey, that's today's show. Oh, man. Oh, gosh. My favorite thing about this show is, I think it's good. I think we have a great show here. It ends in a car crash almost every time, and I have grown to love it. It's like the end of South Park when you're waiting to figure out how they kill Kenny. I figured that's what it's like. We did it. We killed Kenny. You guys. See you soon.