I'm not going to text him, God knows I'm not going to fucking text him, so I'm just probably going to block it, right. So me.

Yeah. Hi, guys, I'm Paula Benson, and welcome to another episode of To Try to be crazy on every Thursday with me, your host. I actually just had a really fun little break down right before I started recording this episode. You know, it's just one of those. Either you're like, is my life falling apart or am I just really hungry? I feel like for me it's somewhere in between. But don't worry, I so much better now.

OK, so today my special guest is Olivia O'Brien. She's super talented. I'm obsessed with all of her songs. One of my current favorite songs of hers is a song called Now. So definitely check it out when you finish listening to the episode. But I figured before we get started on this episode, which, by the way, was recorded around last year, like mid last year.

So it just took us a really long time to finally release it.

So it's only coming out now. I figured before we get started with this episode, just like with last week, I thought we can just do a little fun intro about some some of my thoughts that I've had lately and then we can get started. So there's something that has been on my mind lately and it's really bothering me. And I just feel like it's time to address the elephant in the room. It's time for me to speak up. So if you are someone that you know has recently been a victim of Netflix and chill the turn into Netflix and disappointment because Tzadik did not match expectations, which, by the way, a lot of my friends lately having fallen victim to this phenomenon, I can't relate because I've literally been getting no Dick Zero Dick.

For me, I'm literally on a no dick diet, but my friends have been experiencing this and it's been kind of on my mind. So I finally decide to address this. And I came up with two solutions for you guys. You're welcome. Number one, if you have fallen victim to this, here's what you do. I feel like it's time we bought back Netflix and dry humping. Yes, dry humping. You got a dry hump that do look its seventh grade all over again.

And then you got to rub your hand on his pants if you can't feel his dick while you're trying to ride him, which, by the way, is a red flag. And there's a sign that he may not be packing down there. I actually was dating two different guys at two different times at the same time, two different times. And I remember I dry hump them and I felt nothing in their pants. And I even put my hand on there and I felt nothing.

And I was like, oh, maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe he wasn't hard, maybe he wasn't turned on. Or maybe just like he's wearing really, really thick jeans. No, he just had a pencil dick and the other one had, like, no dick at all. Like, I don't even know what that was about. I'm not trying to body shame at all because I still went out with them. Trust me, they just also had small, dark energy and just like a shitty personality.

So that's kind of what gave it away for me.

So it wasn't really about their private parts, but yeah, I'm all about dry humping, like at seventh grade all over again and you cut your own bangs. So let's go there. So yeah, if you don't feel anything when you're dry humping, that's your sign to run bitch. Unless of course you're in it for the ring and you're in for the money game, you're in it for the personality and you don't care then fine, whatever. Stay.

But that's your warning. All right. So number two, number two, solution for you.

If you're not all about the dry humping because you block seven grade out of your memory, you don't want to remember yourself with those ugliest bangs that you cut yourself or that you allowed your best friend to do. And you're like, no, I'm not even thinking about that shit anymore. I want to go straight into it. I got you. If you find yourself with the disappointment in your hand, what you need to do is you got to remind him that you're actually a good girl and you got to be like, wait, no, no, we can't do this.

God wants better for us. You got to pull the God card. You got to show him you're a good girl and you got to be like, no, God said no until marriage, not even the back door. God said no to even through the back door because God has eyes everywhere. And then you pick up your stuff and you let him know that you'll see him Sunday at church. And if he's like, wait, aren't you Jewish?

You got to remind them that it's twenty, twenty one and it's inappropriate to assume someone else's religion. You're welcome that I now just solve all your problems or did I just not solve all your problems? I think I did. So let me know how it works out with this Netflix and this appointment phenomenon. And yeah. Aside from that, before we get the episode started, I also want to let you guys know that I've been listening to everything you've been asking me.

And don't worry, I am working on merch. I just found the perfect partners and we're going through negotiations right now. So you should be expecting brand new podcast's merch in a couple of months. And then the other thing is, on my last podcast I was talking about with Patti, which, by the way, you guys love that episode. I'm really happy. Check it out if you haven't yet with Patti Stanger. She was awesome in the intro.

I talked about how I want to do a master class of bad bitch boot camp in Zoome Sessions and do something like that, but I still have to kind of figure out the whole idea behind it. Thanks to a couple of listeners, they kind of helped me with this idea and I'm going to be working with them to kind of bring this idea to life. So a lot of you guys, the movie that you love this idea and you would totally attend this class and I love hearing that.

So I will definitely continue to work on it. So, yeah, let's get this episode started. Hope you enjoy it. Don't forget to follow Levere when you finish listening to it, check out her music and don't forget to give me a five star review because I read them all and I do read your feedback as well. Have a blessed day. Love you guys.

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Hi, guys, I'm Bob Benson. Welcome to another episode of To Try to be crazy on every Thursday with me. So today, my guest is Olivia O'Brien. Hey, she is a singer songwriter who rose to fame in 2016, reaching the top 10 of the billboard charts when she was still in high school. One of our most popular songs that she's known for, that's like Eitam and connect the dots. The first few guys ever heard the song.

Hate you, love you. I hate you. I love you. That's her. Obviously she can sing. I can't. So that's that. Also, last year she released her debut album, Was It Even Real? And this year was originally slated to perform at Coachella, which then got canceled. So we all know what happened, which must have been really hard, but we'll talk about that shortly. But you've still managed to stay busy and creative and you'll even release some new music.

And you shot a music video during quarantine. Yeah. Yeah.

And I've done at first when things were really, really strict lockdown and everything I did like a green screen music video. I did a couple of those. And then I finally got approved to do a full production music video, which was crazy because everyone had to wear masks and get tested. And there was like all this paperwork. But we we did it and it was it turned out pretty good. So, yeah.

What would you say? Something that most people don't know about you? I don't know. I feel like I'm a pretty open book. I talk about everything about me and everything I do. And like, I just have no secrets even on social media, everything.

I feel like, if anything, give too much information about myself.

So I don't know if you could describe your dating life right now in like a movie title. What would it be right now?

I'm like, actually, I've been talking to this guy who lives in New York. He was supposed to come out and like, see me. And then he kept, like, getting things scheduled, like work, things that he couldn't move. And so then he was supposed to come today, literally, he is supposed to come today. And on Saturday, I was like, so are you actually coming on Monday? And he was like, yeah, I might have to do this.

One thing, though, like, I'll let you know tomorrow. Never texted me yesterday. I'm not going to text him. God knows I'm not going to fucking text him. So I'm just probably going to block it.

Right. So mean.

Yeah, I feel like I'm in a similar situation where I was kind of talking to somebody and we're like in a gray area. I feel like we passed the point of friendship and I'm like, are we friends or more? But then he's always like so busy at work and he's always like, oh, like I'll do this, like I'll make it up to you. But then, yeah, there's moments where we'd be like, yeah, I'll talk to you later, I'll call you later.

And then he does it.

And then in my head I was just like, OK, leave me alone. That like why do you just keep reappearing in my life? And that's what they tell you. The one guy women should be the most careful of everyone thinks is the fuck boy. It's the nice fuck boy. Like this guy to me always understands me. Even if I get irritated or mad, he's like, let's discuss this. Let's all bloggers, it's they're the worst.

And then it's come around and then you're just like, oh, I can't even be mad at him because he's so understanding. But then he actually is wasting your time even more than any other fucked boy because he's just fucking playing you. But he's so he just gets me. I'm like, does he get me though? Because we haven't hung out in weeks.

Have you guys hooked up? We've only kissed. And then like on my birthday at 12am, he's the first person to text me so shit like that. And then I'm just like, does he like me? But then like two seconds later he texted me not responding. And then he's like a bunch of girls pictures and following them. And then I did go crazy for a second, which was so not like my character anymore. And then I was just like, you know what, don't worry about making it up to me.

I'm good.

And then you just like the next day I was like, let me know when you have some free moments so we can get on the phone and chat like, oh my God, the guy that I'm that I like right now, he doesn't have Instagram.

So I'm like so happy that I don't have to, like, see him liking people stuff and like to put myself out. But then also I'm like, what's he doing? Like, I don't know what he's doing.

So I think it's better. Like I think it was a mistake for me to get into that rabbit hole, especially because I'm alive and dating a person. So I'm not going to do that again to be determined with that guy. It just sucks. And now I feel like men do the bare minimum. And that's amazing to us because of how disappointing a lot of other men that we've data have been, especially in 2020 with Generation Z, which I feel like Generation Z has ruined dating for everyone.

Dating is horrible. It's really hard.

Like my my roommate Francheska, we were just talking and we're talking about this guy that she fucked in Miami. So I feel so she's downstairs by this guy that she fucked in Miami. And then I was just like, was he good and bad? And we're talking. And then she's like, yeah, he did not come until I came like a game three times when we're just like, oh my God, what a stellar guy. What a keeper, Bubba.

And we were just thinking like, wow. So he literally did what he should have done, which is allow us to come. But because of like men are so disappointed, even sexually, we're just like he made you come like marry him. It's crazy how actually rare that is, though.

It's great to see men do better. You just got to bring a vibrator in your pocket the whole time.

You literally I use I always use my regular when I have sex.

Last year, probably the guy was the guy who you slept with is probably like I've seen this before actually not with him because I always went to his house and he never came to my house.

I hate when guys like me always come to them. Oh yeah.

Oh, they came to mine. I never liked going to his house. I hate go to his house because all of his friends are like, hey, but I also like I don't really sleep around.

So I feel like I don't really have that many options. And he lived really close to me and I was just like convenience. Yeah.

He doesn't really close here. You live in between, like the. You guys that I was hooking up with in the beginning. So this is your safe house, you go on. Should I go to I do want to know what is your definition of ghosting? Because a second ago you said how this guy.

You hooking up with I don't know if he technically goes with me because, like, he randomly, like, would text me a little bit. We didn't hang out for four days and it was like not like I could tell something was off. I just say, guys, go see me when they don't text me back, even if it's for like three hours. Like, he goes.

Yeah, I feel like little girl saying, man, I'm like, is that gossiping? Not really. Oh yeah. Because I feel like I just don't care enough because now I kind of always continue with this motto of like, I'm the main character of my movie and this person's literally just like an extra so they don't text me back or whatever, and I'm just like, OK, so then next one. Yeah, they went from being like a sci character to being the extras.

So I'm like, OK, who's the next like. But it's like my movie so I'm not going to give enough attention to somebody who's not even the main character.

Very true. Very true. I like that mindset. I'm going to use that.

So do you feel like sometimes you may purposely self sabotage dating to write better? Because I used to be like that when I would write my blog for daddy issues and sometimes I feel like it's still me because I think some things are funny. But then afterwards I realize like, oh, these are human feelings and you shouldn't do that. And I'm working. I've been working on that. So do you feel like then you're just self sabotaging our dating life all the time?

Oh, yes, all the time. And I feel like I almost do it subconsciously now and now. I'm so used to it and it's been the energy that I attract. I always tell myself like, oh, I want someone to break my heart so I can write about it, but blah. And I attract all these guys and I think I it's not even subconscious.

Like I know the kind of guys I'm going for, like, come on, it's embarrassing. I mean, it's not embarrassing. It's like I do it on purpose. I do it to be embarrassing because I know how it's going to end. But it's like, why am I doing that to myself? And then, like, I always will go for someone thinking like this is so funny, like they're going to be a fuck boy and it's going to be hilarious and I'm going to write songs about it.

And then like right before it all goes bad, I'm like we like I got media like this person, like I maybe I actually like them.

And then it all goes.

My dating life is definitely very interesting.

What are you going to do when you find, like, a good guy? Like, do you feel like you're not even going to realize he's a good guy? You probably don't even give good guys a chance. Like I said, I'm really, really picky. And it's not even like my taste is good, like I think my taste is really bad.

Do you feel like you something obviously. Obviously kind of like these fuck boys who were in other girls lives just so you can ruin their life sometimes.

Yeah, I do feel like when I talk to these kinds of guys, I'm always like a little bit mean to them, not in like an actually mean way, but just I'm I mean, I'm really sarcastic person in general and I'm also really honest. So like, if they're a fuck boy, I'm going to be like, you know, you're like, embarrassing, right? Like, you know. Yeah, I'm like that too.

Sometimes in my brain. I did wonder if some of the guys that have date in the past who are mean to other girls, like maybe that's why I was mean to them. I've definitely said that I'm people's karma before. I'm definitely like your revenge.

Well, you're also twenty, which, by the way, some three days you're going to turn twenty one. Are you excited to try your first alcoholic beverage?

Oh yeah. Superexcited. I've been waiting my whole life for this. I literally I'm like going to be sober because I'm so over alcohol at this point. I have drank so much in my life already. I guess I get to throw away my fake I.D..

Oh, that is exciting. I remember fake IDs like I figured you though. It's cute. It's from Utah. I remember I had a fake I.D. and then I forced my sister to give me her ID and she wouldn't give it to me and I had to force my mom to make her give me my fake ID.

She was like Jal's, Cassidy and the like, please care and give your ID to your sister Russian.

And my sister was so annoyed. She's like, Are you serious, Mom? Like, this is how you're going to raise her.

And I was like, well, I'm going, well, I'm going to save one hundred and fifty dollars if you just give me your stupid ID anyway.

Yeah, that was really nice of her, but I forgot about that. What artists inspire you?

Currently I like a million different types of music. I'll listen to a lot of artists that I don't necessarily like carry over into my sound because I make like pop music and I don't ever listen to pop music. So my all time favorite bands are like Tame Impala, Kid Cudi and Scissor and Frank Ocean missing bands, and none of those are bands. Even here is only one guy, Amy Winehouse. I have a giant tattoo, Amy Winehouse on my arm.

I don't know why that was the first thing I said. I like Gwen Stefani. Alotta, what's your favorite song right now? Randomly the song Hayloft by Mother Mother. Well, I found the band from Tech Talk, which I find everything pretty dark these days.

It's so embarrassing. I learned so much from tech.

I know and I always, like my friends, think that I'm like really knowledgeable about things. And I'm like, it's literally because I watch educational picked.

I literally know what to do next time I get kidnaped because I watched this one video and had a break from like the tape on your mouth. You like it nonstop and then it gets watery and gross and that's how you're able to remove the duct tape on your mouth. And then I also taught me, like, how to remove all the duct tape, like on your hands and on your legs.

Whoever said Tick-Tock is not the best thing ever is lying. Because I learned so much. You guys, I learned more than high school ever taught me.

So that's OK. So before we started the podcast, you were talking about how you're from a sexy you for advice on how to text a boy back. So do you guys do that a lot? One friend in particular, I'm not going to school right now, but she just is clueless with guys and she's newly single. So she would always hang out with these guys and I would always have to go with her because she could never do anything alone and she doesn't have her driver's license.

So I drive her everywhere to and like I love her so much. But sometimes she is just helpless. Now that she's starting to talk to guys again. She's back where she started at square one where she's just like doesn't know how to communicate. And so I have to help her. Like, she used to give me her phone and be like, can you text him for me? Like, I can't right now.

So basically, when he's like, I love your personality, he really means your personality. He falls in love with you personality. That only happened a few times, but the rest of the time, yeah.

She like will send me screenshots every time I got a text or anything. Like right now all he said was the guy said to your friend, how was your day, what do you say.

He said, how are you, how are you doing. How are you doing. It was like, Oh my God.

So I told her not to reply.

So I took a few days off to talk to them because he didn't text her for a few days.

Like, why is he Instagram daming using? How are you doing? I don't know.

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What are your thoughts about when a guy watches your stories now if he doesn't talk to you? Do you get excited? You just know it doesn't mean anything.

I don't know. I watch random stories all day long and don't even put any mind to it. I stopped with the whole, like, Instagram stalking thing, like I don't even check up on like my ex is this one guy that I just could never get over. And I liked for, like, so friggin long. I haven't checked his Instagram in months and I don't even care to. And I have his location and I haven't looked at his location.

You know, that's called growth. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. I'm kind of over the whole, like, stalking things sometimes. I do if I'm bored, but I it's just not good for my mental health. Yeah. You always see something you don't want to see.

Like once I realized that it's up to me how much space I want to give for people in my brain. People can only have as much room in your mind as much as you give them. So if I'm not going to give that much power to somebody, they're not going to have power over me. Exactly. And I feel like it's whenever you stop caring that they always come back around, you know, every single time.

What's your favorite red flag to ignore, like when they've dated or hooked up with, like, a lot of other girls that I know of. And they've all had a horrible experience.

But they say that is one red flag. I'm like, wow, maybe I'll be different. I know it's so true. As much as you pretend like, oh, my God, he I know he sucks in the back of your head. I do like but I can change him. Maybe he'll be different with me. Or if I'm not, I'll get a great album out of it. Yeah. No that's true. Like it's like something to laugh about and then I'm like oh shit.

I think I actually like this first book. I hate because that's the embarrassing part. Like I get so embarrassed sometimes admit if I like a specific guy and then I feel like I get used to obviously the old me beginning of quarantine or like I would get even meaner just to prove a point. But I don't like that person. Yeah, well, like I haven't really dated since quarantine and I'm just going for, like, the person is going to be my future partner.

So I feel like I'm being way more careful with those good stuff too.

But in L.A., there's just hot girls everywhere. And especially like I'm attracted to guys that are at least like close to me or more level of my success. We're just in the entertainment industry at all, just like so they can understand my job and like won't like be weirded out by something. So I end up dating guys that like halflings or whatever. There's just always girls that are going to be like throwing themselves at them. And it's so easy for them to just literally hook up with anyone they want at any time.

So like and they're guys. So obviously it's just easier for things to go wrong here.

I feel like sometimes we give guys men too much credit and then sometimes we can also be shitty with them. Oh, yeah. If you give a man will take. That's the thing with men and men are always testing in the beginning. So it's up to you to show them how much respect they should have for you. And I know that sucks is like raise men to be more respectful to women. It just not like that anymore. That's the truth.

So it's up to you for him to be like, shall we go Netflix and Shell or and then up to you to say no. So then he's like, oh, should we go on a day? And it's up to you to be like, yes, only a day if you want to see me. So then you're the one that shows from the beginning what you expect. So then he knows you're more of a dating type versus the Netflix and chill.

But if you just allow him to come over and come all over your face after the first night of the day, then like, yeah, what do you expect after that? Like, of course, he's going to be like trash because you allowed him to treat you like trash.

See, my problem is I don't like dates like going to dinner. Horrible, disgusting. But then it's like, what else do we do? Like, I don't want to like Netflix. Agil all the time.

It is harder. That's why I feel like sometimes maybe day stuff is better and dating in general. Even now with quarantine. I mean really what can you do except Netflix and shit like you have no choice. You little hang out once and you're like do you want to move in? Because we probably are going to have to quarantine for three weeks. He's like, we've never even met. I'm like, well, whatever, whatever. What's your worst sex experience?

Nothing I want to talk about. Perfect.

Every time I've hooked up with someone that I didn't like, it's just been absolutely disgusting. When I first moved to L.A., I would like hook up with not random guys, but guys that I like kind of barely knew and didn't like them. I just was like insecure and I was like, OK, I guess I'll like hook up with this guy. And every single time it was just horrible. Like, it just the worst sex ever. And I was like seventeen years old, which also looking back, I was not looking guys my age, which is that's really scary.

Anyway, we don't need to talk about that trauma. Looking back, I'm like, holy shit, I wish I never did any of that because it was like just not good. Like there was no reason for me to be having sex.

But you just it was all about like that's how they're going to like, you know, I don't even, like, want to date them or anything. I was just like bored. And I was like, maybe this is what I should be doing. Like I'm in L.A. and like, we're going to the club like, yeah, yeah.

You feel like you get the with certain guys. I feel like when I stop liking a guy, I get the egg and it's like a real thing, but something about them just grosses me. I like them even breathing. And then I feel so guilty because then if they hit me up or anything, I'm just like, I'm like, oh, ill.

And it's like a real thing, scientifically real thing to get the ick that happens to me with literally every single girl, every single guy besides.

Dating afterwards, that's how I just move on and get over them, because I get the ick and I can't get over the ick.

So one of my other favorite songs of yours that I really like is a song called Love Myself. I was like looking at the lyrics. I think I'm assuming this is also about a guy, but then also about loving yourself. Right now it's just about me.

OK, but here you go. No matter how hard I try what I do, I can just never fucking impress you. So why am I letting what you say get me down? I spent my whole life thinking I was wrong and nobody likes me and it's all my fault. But I'm done with this shit. I finally figured it out. I don't need to be the same as everyone else. I just need to motherfucking love myself. And I love that.

And I feel like that's a problem that we all have.

And I think no matter what age we're in, because the whole thing with me, you know, even in the beginning saying like, well, I'm 32 and you're 20, it doesn't mean I'm more mature than you are. No more like I don't mean to put someone else down just because they're younger than me. But I think when it comes to loving yourself, that's a struggle then no matter what age or nd you struggle with it. Yeah, definitely.

Especially for women these days, because like the whole beauty industry is meant to make us hate ourselves. Do you feel like you still something I struggle with having days where you're trying to figure out how to love yourself.

I got of course, and I go through phases and just I've like struggled with, like really bad clinical depression. And I have like multiple anxiety disorders. Just a lot of things that I've struggled with since, like middle school, like think I was like eleven when I first got diagnosed with depression or like sort of really going to therapy. It's like constant battle. Like I'll be doing really, really well for months and feel amazing about myself and feel so good.

And then I'll just randomly crash and have like I just feel horrible about myself and like, look in the mirror and like hate what I see. And when you get depressed, it's like every single thing seems horrible and you can think positively about myself because my brain like literally doesn't let me. So it's a constant battle. And I always find myself falling back into those patterns every time. Now, though, because I've learned over the years through therapy and through just learning my own personal behaviors, it's been easier for me to lift myself out of that every single time.

And hopefully one day get to the point where I don't fall back into that. I mean, that's the goal. I don't know if that will ever be possible, but it's a roller coaster and I find myself back there all the time.

Yeah, I generally believe that, like, when I feel less about myself than I attract also lesser men. But then also when I feel less about myself is when I care more when I'm rejected or when or I create more drama. If a guy doesn't even give me the attention that I need and I also feel like I need more attention. And then it's only moments where I lift myself up and I realize, like, I'm amazing.

Then suddenly I don't even notice if I could go a phone call, go sit or all of that. It's like, what do you do to lift yourself up?

My therapy kind of has always been writing and writing songs, writing about how I feel.

I feel like I always just feel better after I let it out or lately because I've kind of had writer's block.

If I just drive around in my car and listen to, like, my favorite songs and just cry like I always feel better afterwards and then like in terms of just like confidence, I like positive affirmations and just like telling myself I'm enough and I'm in, I'm going to be OK and everything's fine. And just like reminding myself, the more I learn about also like manifestation in law of attraction is like so true if you talk badly about yourself, like it's going to become your reality.

Whereas if you lift yourself up, it's going to get better. And it's hard for for someone with depression because I'm like, oh my God, is every bad thought I have going to manifest my life to be bad. It's like, no, it's not. And I just need to try my best to be as positive as I can be, even when it's really hard or when it comes to the manifestation, which is something really true that I didn't realize.

But sometimes I feel like I will keep in the back of my head the bad the negative thoughts that I had about myself or just in general about work and things like that. My friend told me that I'm actually not talking about it with somebody to let it out. When I put in the back of my head, I'm actually manifesting it, holding on. That's what I keep thinking. The back of my head non stop without realizing, and that's what I'm attracting.

So then when you're just like, what the hell? Like my life just keeps getting worse. I don't get it. It's because you're still thinking about the back of your head. Like you have to talk about it with somebody. You have to like, let it out. Because once you talk about it and I've talked about this before, I went through depression, it's no longer a dirty secret. I mean, something that dirty secret doesn't feel as embarrassing anymore because you just like, let it out.

Oh, as soon as I talk about anything that I'm that I feel bad about, like right after I talk about them, I'm like, why was I ever afraid to talk about that? Like I've never had a bad reaction from someone being like that's weird.

Or, or things like why is that person your friend. Exactly. I just get embarrassed sometimes, but I feel like a lot of people are like, that's when you have to realize that. I feel like sometimes I get embarrassed by my own emotions or I get embarrassed if I like the guy and he let me down. I get embarrassed to admit to my friends because I feel like such a loser. But it's only it's us talking badly, poorly to ourselves because the people that love us, they don't look at us as losers.

It's just in your mind and not to mention every time you feel rejected, whatever it is, you're not the only person that's been through it, but it's crazy. I always have the same reaction to myself. When someone is a workaholic, I'm such a fucking loser. And it's like, why am I putting myself down like that?

Because it's never it's never true. But I feel like whenever I'm single and like, not talking to anyone don't like anyone like have no anything. That's when I feel the best about myself because I'm not putting any of my energy into, like, even the idea that I could possibly be rejected. Like I'm just like vibing by myself and I'm always feeling my best. And then I'll meet a guy and start liking them, and then I'll find myself like not necessarily losing my self-esteem, but like if they don't text me back, I'll start being upset.

And I'm like, why am I I was doing so great without this person. Why does it matter if they didn't? Exactly, but doesn't even matter. But because I put my energy into this person now it's fucking with my how I feel about myself. It that's so.

So and it doesn't matter what age you get in. Always going to continue this pattern, but it's up to you to stop yourself from your old habits. Like even for me, when I suddenly sent that text guy the like, I'm I've been dating and be like you liking other girls pictures.

But then you're not texting me back like forget about it. And I was just like I literally looked at it after I text that because that's just how I felt. The moment I'm like, who is this? Does it sound like me anymore? Like not to mention why would I give someone else the satisfaction that they bother me so much? So you have to just continue being yourself and you have to continue being the best version of yourself. And when you date somebody, you can't allow to give them all this power.

It's meant to work out. It's going to work out, period. This year you were supposed to perform at Coachella, which is such a huge milestone for anybody. And that was going to be your first time. And then you found out with Kwanten that Coachella was canceled and you couldn't perform. Was that really hard for you?

Yeah, it was really hard. And my tour also got cut in half. I was halfway through and I had to go home, which just sucks because you're on this like high of seeing fans screaming your lyrics every single night and then you go home to, like, being by yourself. Everyone kind of gets like postwar depression, as they call it, after you come home. And mine was just like extra bad because I was home and I could also couldn't see anyone except for my roommate.

Then I had to sit in my house by myself the day that I was supposed to play Coachella, and it was just really sad.

And then I kind of just got over it. And then recently, as things have just still not gone back to normal, it's almost been like a year of this.

I've just been like, holy shit, it just all kind of came back recently and hit me like I should have been doing so much more this year than I was. And I feel like my career was just like on pause this whole year. This whole time I haven't been doing anything and I've been writing here and there. And I filmed a couple of things, music videos, put out some stuff. But my plan for this year was like putting out this project and doing Coachella and then putting out this next project.

And I had everything lined up. It just all didn't happen. And in the past couple of weeks, I looked back and realized like, holy shit, this whole year is just gone. And nothing that I thought I was going to do happened. It just was booked. So how did that make you feel? Sad.

Are we there right now? How did that make you know?

Because I can completely relate. I feel like this stop like I was supposed to release books this year and I was also planning on getting married. Yes. I haven't found my husband. I don't have a boyfriend. But in my head I was like, I'm a find my life long partner this year. I'm probably going to be pregnant by the end of this year. That's like part of my goals in my head. Going to have released three books, one of them being a phone book, a dating book, something else.

I'm going to go touring for my podcast. I want to do stand up comedy this year, too. So it's like all these things are sounding. We're on pause. And I had moments where I was going in and out of depression. I'm not going to lie and I can't I have to snap out of it. But you can obviously relate because you're somebody who has battled depression and anxiety. What would you say your lowest point of twenty twenty has been?

Probably when this guy that I originally when I came home from tour, I was like hooking up with him. He like basically ended things with me for like the millionth time, the same thing that's happened with us every single time for the past, like two and a half years. And it happened again. And I was just like, I'm not playing Coachella, I'm not going on tour. And I just got my heart broken again by the same person who's done this to me, like multiple, multiple times.

I was just like, holy shit, like I'm a dumbass. Like I just let all these things happen to me.

And that was really hard for me, really sad. And then I feel like I kind of got better. Like I moved into a new house and stopped caring about guys and stopped literally talking to any guys at all. I just was focusing on myself and doing my own thing, and that really helped me feel a lot better recently. I just have kind of gotten back into a funk again.

I think I get really weird around my birthday, like I'm happy to with your days. Like in like a you can ask any of my friends, I'll tell you, I become like a possessed demon on my birthday at my stories of everything that's happened to me in my past few birthdays. They've all been just horrendous. So I think that's why I'm feeling really messed up right now. But yeah, these past couple of weeks have been really hard for me for some reason.

So I'm trying to not let myself fall back into the dark place that I was in in the beginning, quarantine.

But one thing I know that's really helped me when I was in a dark place is definitely self care. I know it's really hard, but just getting out of bed, showering some days, even though I'm not leaving my house, just putting on makeup and shaving my body to feel like a dolphin always has helped me feel better about myself because self care routine are more important than ever, especially right now. Whatever you're using to get ready for the day should always make you feel amazing, even if you don't leave your house, a.k.a. Meat Belly.

And Billy is not my boyfriend. I'm still single. Billy is the best raiser out there for those days.

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But also I can relate with the birthday stuff.

I feel like I get a little crazy before my birthdays too, but I think it's like I get sad because suddenly my brain it's like oh great, I'm turning another year older and I haven't accomplished everything I wanted this year.

Yeah. I mean I definitely feel that I've also had a really bad like death anxiety and like aging anxiety. That's the thing. I get anxious about getting older and I'm not even old at all. I'm like really young. But I just for some reason I just feel like I'm going to turn 84 next year and keel over and die. What I always tell myself is like one time my friend Taylor, like, also was struggling with this at the same time as me like a year or so ago.

And she sent me this like this little cartoon. And it was like Snoopy and Charlie Brown and like Charlie Brown was like, Snoopy, I'm going to die one day. And then Snoopy was like, Yeah, but every other day you will live.

And I think about that whenever I start getting death anxiety, which is like, why is that little, like, cartoon of Snoopy like saving my life?

But it just reminds me that, like, I'm not going to just wake up one day and be old, like I'm going to live every single day before then it's like I'll be OK. It's going to happen slowly and I'm going to be fine. But birthdays just I think they just remind people of their mortality and nobody wants to think about that, right?

Yeah. No, I mean, I definitely didn't feel like that when I was early 20s, but I was in this industry yet.

Honestly, everyone told me that when you turned 30, your life changes and like everything makes more sense and you're that's when your life starts. And I never believe those people because I'm like, you're just old. That's what you're telling me, that to me to feel better. But like literally when I turned thirty, something in me changed and I just became a completely different person.

Not to mention your early 20s, the first five years, every year you're literally becoming a different person.

You keep change. I hope so, because like I think back to when I was like seventeen, eighteen, I was just I'm so not the same person. It's only been like two, three years.

So sometimes I look at influencers who are much younger than me. Even seventeen year old six year olds are even as old as you, which I consider really young. Twenty, twenty one. I feel like their childhood has been robbed from them because of social media just always being in your face, constantly having to pretend to be happy.

When when I was a child, like we didn't worry about that stuff. And we also didn't look like the way six year olds look like now completely. We were so ugly. Now it's like there's no such thing as puberty anymore. But like I sometimes I feel thankful that I got to have my child. Do you sometimes feel like I guess you have nothing to compare it to?

Everything kind of happened for me when I was like sixteen, but it happened slowly. Like I didn't have a social media presence. Like I started with my song. My song was really big and that was my thing. And I got me signed and all the stuff and I didn't really have that many followers because of what I do. Like, I'm a singer and I've always been really honest about my feelings and my mental health struggles. So I didn't have to, like, put on a fake smile.

And but on the flipside of that, I feel like a lot of times when I was really, really depressed, I would go on like tweeting rants about random things. And I'm just like oversharing and like being crazy because that's just who I was and how I was feeling at the time. Like, looking back, I'm like, I if I didn't have Twitter and didn't have people like calling me, seeing that, I probably would have been a lot more beneficial for me.

And if I just written it in like a diary or something, the way it happened for me, it was kind of a slow rise. And I just I was able to ease my way into it, which I think was helpful for me. And I also wasn't too young when I started like doing I mean, I was already so over high school at that point. I hated high school so much. So I was like, whatever, I'll just go be an adult now.

So funny. Do you ever feel like you've lost yourself in someone else? I feel like I never really get to that point with people because I'm really guarded. I just don't even really let myself. I think there's definitely been times where I've wanted someone to like me and I find myself acting different than I would around other people around them. I'm like that. Yeah, but it's like not in like a super crazy noticeable way, but little thing.

That I'll do and I'm like, why am I doing that? Because we was here, Venus, you know, mind you, really, that's why we do that. That's so funny that I hate that my Venus is Libra. Venus means that's how you love. But I feel like I sometimes change myself a little bit for each person that I date. It's like annoying thing. Definitely. I definitely do that.

So I guess we're actually very similar because like my writing on stage, I wish my moon was a softer moon for sure. It makes me a little more serious and passive. But yeah, I love like Libra.

When you describe how a Libra loves, it's literally that song I've been singing, thinking about boys literally.

That's like with me all the time, like I'm always thinking about. So it's either I'm not talking to anyone or I'm obsessed with one guy or I could be if there's one guy I'm talking to 75 different guys. And like the best tech talk of maybe you can describe as the one that's like, oh, my God. So, yeah, I was talking to Josh and my friends like Robert. No, no. Roberts, a guy from two weeks ago.

So like so anyway, but then Caleb was like like, wait, Caleb, you're like, oh my God, bitch, keep up, OK. Anyway, and then my cool like Michael did I know that was that was Robert. Like who. Like that's me. Like are you like that too.

When I'm not in quarantine. Yeah. Obviously one of my favorite days which is a really big flirt.

I feel like I was flirting with people. So I love flirting. I agree.

What's the dumbest thing you've ever done for love?

Gone back to the same person that never cared about me 40 billion times, thinking that something was going to change and be different and it never will.

What do you think is the reason you keep going back to that one specific person?

Why do you think, as I romanticize them, it's hard for me to get over people that I never dated, like because I didn't get the chance for, like, something to go wrong, you know what I mean? We didn't get to date and go through and see how it would be if we were actually together. Like it was always the does he like me backstage where we're like hooking up and hanging out, but like there's no, like, label on it.

That's actually really interesting. I never thought about that because a lot of times I think girls feel bad, like, why am I not getting over a guy I didn't even date? But I like that perspective for you.

That's actually harder for you to get over guys that you've never dated because there was no, like, reason for us to like we didn't break up. Nothing like went wrong. We didn't like we just didn't even get the chance to, like, have a relationship.

What are the stages of dating for you?

I feel like I'm always in a talking phase for so long or just like, oh, we're hanging out. I never date people, but I also don't like people enough to date them. And the guys that I do like enough to date, I'll never tell them that I like them enough to date them because I am so guarded that I won't be like we should date. Like I always just kind of act like I hate them and always say that I don't want a relationship, which I don't even think I do.

But then it's like if I met the right person then yeah, I'd want to be in a relationship. But I'm so young that I'm like, I don't want to date someone and then not be single and not be able to talk to.

That's so funny. But do I want a relationship? I don't know. I don't know what I want. I think that's the yeah.

I think sometimes when you meet the right person they change your mind. But then sometimes everything you're saying like this drives me to the having the whole guard up and and making comments like, well I don't even want to really. But you hope that the other person is going to be like, but I want to do you. So then they fight for you and then you guys are together everyday and they never do. But also I've learned now, though, like when you tell a guy something, they believe you guys are very face value and simple.

We're not tied into things the way that girls they don't read into things at all. So it's like when you just like leave me alone a lot of the time, unless you tell them when I tell you to leave me alone, I don't mean it. So if you just say leave me alone, they'll literally will give you space and you're like, where the fuck were you? Like, I was giving you space.

And you're like, that's what you thought I needed. He's like, Well, yeah, when you said, leave me alone, I that's like that's what I assumed was like, no, I expect you to show up at my fucking house with flowers apologizing. Yeah.

People for some reason always come to me for advice. And I'm like, I don't know why, because I've never had a successful relationship. But I for some reason, no matter how much I fuck up my own love life, I always have enough perspective to see, like, why I did it and what happened. And I can objectively look at it like other people's situations and like tell them why something's happening. Like, I feel like I have a lot of knowledge in that way for some weird reason.

And my friends will always come to me and be like, oh my God. Like he said this. Does this mean that he's thinking that and like, what if he's doing I'm like, he's not where you're at right now.

You're right. Like, he is not thinking like that. I feel like I'm like that, too. Like, I'm so good at giving advice. And I don't like to tell my friends what's happening in my dating life like I'm so secretive, which I think is bad because in some ways you can get somebodies perspective. OK, so what's your definition of love for yourself?

I think self-love is allowing yourself to not be perfect all the time and accepting yourself for what you are and who you are and forgiving yourself.

Do you feel like your definition of love for self love has changed over the years? I don't know.

Well, I think I probably when I was younger, I probably thought that self-love just meant like actually being perfect and thinking you're perfect. And then I had to realize that that's no one's ever going to be perfect. And even if you are as close as it gets, you're going to fuck up sometimes and you're going to look ugly sometimes and whatever. And you just have to love every part of it. So I agree. I love how my definition for self love came so easily and for actual love.

I was like, hmm, yeah.

No, no, I was sweet. I think you're still learning how to love yourself and it is really hard to love someone else if you're not always there with yourself for. Because a lot of times, if you don't love yourself, your definition of love for others ends up being toxic.

Yeah, you know, because it's like you put them first, like loving someone else is when you put them first, blah, blah, it's like, no, actually, it's not like you should always put yourself first, like always check in with yourself first.

So I think if anything it's healthy, then you don't have a full definition of love for other people yet because you're still growing as a person. Hell yeah. I'll take that one. Yeah. What would you say 20/20 has taught you?

20/20 has taught me to not take everything so seriously. I mean, I've never been the person to be like, I'm going to do this before 2021 or I'm going to have I don't set, like, timeline goals for myself because I feel like I'm always just going to be disappointed. But I've realized that I need to do that even less because I was so hard on myself, like, oh, God, I didn't play Coachella 2020. It's like, OK, well, there's next year and then the year after that.

And it's like, I still have time.

You just have to be patient with yourself and with your life and your goals. Just not take everything so personally and so hard and try to get through. There's going to always be hard times in life. I'm sure this year is probably one of the hardest for most people that are alive right now.

Yeah, but who knows what's gonna happen in the future?

We could have something just as bad or even worse.

My God, I'm not saying that a negative way. It doesn't mean like hopefully this teaches people how to deal with hard things like that. Yeah, definitely.

I feel like especially as people who are control freaks, like I'm one of them, I really love to be in control. It literally turned me upside down this whole year. And I feel like that is one thing that it taught me like, OK, I don't have control over things, but I have to also focus on things I do have control over, which is how I react to things and how I feel or also my mental health.

That's one thing I think a lot of people don't talk about as much as they should as we talk about everything that's happening with covid is terrible and all the deaths are terrible. But I feel like people are not talking as much about mental health and what it's doing to us.

That's literally what I've been saying. The deaths and everything. That's obviously the worst part about this. Like, it's horrible. But the second worst thing, in my opinion, is the mental health toll. That is.

Yeah, people are like killing themselves, like the suicide rate. Yeah. No one's talking about. Yeah, no one's talking about the suicide rates. And literally I have moments, I feel like I was thinking in really badly and even during 20/20 I have moments of my brain is like, what if I just jumped off this balcony and like to even even if I'm thinking that as a joke or whatever, just need to even slowly process that thought in my brain?

I'm like, oh, fuck off, I'll go fuck. Like, this is not OK. Like we check in with yourself right now, like, are you OK? Because at one point I was really isolating myself too. Like I had a roommate move in because I was worried for my own mental health of like being so alone and I've gotten so used to isolate myself. See, I feel like not enough of us are talking about what it's doing to our mental state because it's not normal.

It's not normal. Humans are not supposed to be alone all the time. Yeah. So unhealthy, especially for people that already have preexisting mental health issues. Some people are realizing like, oh, shit, maybe I do have depression or I have these tendencies to feel this way. And maybe they didn't realize that before because they've always been around people. But when you're you sit alone with your thoughts, it can be really scary and really dangerous. And sometimes it's beneficial for a little bit.

But for long periods of time, it just gets dangerous.

I feel like it made me realize how much you need people. Like I think I do understand it before because I'm so good being alone, like all of us took it for granted to even hug someone else. Like we never even realized how how much touch makes such a difference, you know, because now, even if I rarely see my parents now, I will say I'm really far away from them. And it's so hard for my parents and sad for them that they can't even touch me.

And, you know, it sucks. I wish more people were talking about it because it's been hard.

Yeah, well, at least we are. Yeah. I mean, we're a mask, but yeah. Also check in with yourself and yeah, people are losing their jobs right now and they can't see other people. And it's it's been a really tough year. I wish we all talked about it. I wish we were trying to do things that were better for our mental health. Like I don't know if the answer is constantly to isolate yourself for another year, like we need some other better solution.

But anyway, are you working any new albums?

I'm supposed to put out an album in the beginning of next year at some point. I don't really like albums because I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to make it like cohesive and make it a project. And then I end up like taking off songs that I really wanted to put on because I feel like it doesn't fit with album. And like, I don't know, it creates like another level layer of stress onto like making music. But my label wants me to put on an album in the beginning of next year.

So I guess, yeah, I was doing my little micro mixtape. That's what I was calling them. I was like two to three song little projects that were a lot easier because you don't have to make a whole cohesive project. It just has to be two cohesive songs and I can make a little concept for each one. It was kind of my fun little project, but then obviously the world fell apart and then it didn't make sense for me to put those out anymore.

So I'm kind of back to square one. I have a bunch of songs that just never got to come out that I've been kind of waiting to put out. So all of those are probably going to go on it. I'm hopefully going to be releasing a lot of singles before the album comes out. So it'll be like, oh, that's fun. Constant flow of like songs, which is kind of how I like to release music now because I feel like people have really short attention spans.

It's instant gratification.

So working on that and it should be fun. I don't have a name. I don't have any concept for it. So we'll see what happens to. Is doing your best trying. Is there anything you felt like I didn't ask you? No, not really. We covered a lot. A lot. OK, good. Where can people find you?

Instagram is at Olivia O'Brien and my Twitter is Olivia O'Brien. And my tech talk is also Olivia G.O.. Brian. I don't really use Snapchat, but it's Olivia O'Brien. Sometimes I read your postings on there, so yeah, I don't use Snapchat either, so.

Yeah, definitely check out her music. Like I said, my favorite three songs of hers are Joscelyn, which I love, love myself. And then we lie to each other. Oh, we lie to each other. I love that one too, because it literally explains how sometimes we all pretend like we don't care and then that's why it doesn't work out. Every time I let somebody in, they let me down. I can't come out again and I build up all these walls a little higher.

So I'm sorry if I don't believe your shit. I just think I might be running out of bricks because it turns out that everyone's a liar and like and then she goes, like, I lied to myself when I said, I don't care. And you lied when you told me you did. And we lie to each other and it isn't fair. We liked each other and I'll do it again anyway. I really like it. You guys should check out her music, the rest of our music.

Also check out her recent single that came out that's called Now.

I love that song a lot because I feel like I can relate to it. But hopefully your dating gets better. We'll see.

We'll see what happens.

Let's see if this guy comes out like I mean, you're so young, you'll be fine. Are you? So what's next?

Are you going to talk to him? Are you just going to block it? I don't know. My friend sources telling me that I should text him something funny, but I'm like and she just texted me and said, did you text him?

I said, nope, not texting him. Don't care. That's OK.

But OK. Well, anyway, thank you so much for coming on another episode to talk to crazy. You guys check out her stuff. Don't forget to follow her and I'll see you guys again next week by.