If they're not putting a picture of you on Instagram, you have a problem and I don't want to hear on private bullshit, if a guy doesn't have an Instagram, you could put the picture up. You don't have to tag them. But if he gets mad that you're putting the picture up, you have a problem.
Hi, guys, welcome to another episode of To Talk To Be Crazy on every Thursday with me, your favorite host, Violet Benson. So we always are the episode today with Patti. She's from the millionaire's matchmaker. I thought we can just do a little intro updating you about my life and we can just chitchat for a couple of minutes before we get the episode going. So, first of all, I hope you had a chance to catch yesterday's Q&A on shriller.
If you don't know this. I basically am now doing a weekly live every Wednesday at five thirty p.m. Pacific Time, Los Angeles time, where I either show you an episode the day before it comes out and you get to see the video version or I just sit there and I talk to you guys, the audience, because it's live and answer all your dating questions. And I give you whatever advice you need about life, about anything. So if you missed yesterday's live trailer, then you can always make sure to tune into next week's and the following week, just put in your calendar.
So it's every Wednesday at five 30 p.m. I always do a swipe up right before I go on. And if you don't want to download Trilla for whatever reason, you can just watch it from the link without downloading the app, you just won't be able to ask any questions, but you can still watch it anyway. Let's get this episode started. So first, I want to update you from my Valentine's Day episode. If you haven't listened to it, you should.
On my Valentine's episode, my new producer thought it was a wonderful idea to talk about my private life. And the reason we like to talk about men and my private life is because I feel like it's the same thing happens with your friends. And you guys, like my friends, is basically like I met a guy he saw. Amazing. You brag about him, we talk about him. And two days later you're like, holy shit, block him, never speak to them again.
And then you just feel embarrassed. You ever told anyone about him? And that's how I feel. I talk about Valentine's and I was just like, oh, no, no, I'm thinking of dating one of my good friends. And like, we one day and I don't know if it was a day, maybe I'm just afraid of my feelings, blah, blah, blah, because it's like, oh, he's obviously so different from a normal men that I date.
They're kind of emotionally unavailable, like he's different. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to get close. No, guess what? He is also emotionally unavailable. So I'll tell you what, at least I'm consistent with who I pick.
My choice of men that went down the garbage fire real fast ended up not working out. And then I just want to give me some space. And then he didn't listen and I was just like, dude, stop. And I think that's also the biggest problem. Sometimes when you enter anything that gray area with friends because there's no boundaries with a stranger, you can be like, give me space. But with friends you already so you talking to each other all the time.
It's so easy sometimes to try to cross those boundaries. But, you know, I respect my boundaries. I was like, dude, really stop. So he stopped and I don't know, I'm already, already forgot he existed. So this is why I don't really update you guys on my love life, because there's none. But I am hopeful and I am like still working on myself, trying to better understand what I'm looking for in a partner, which I feel like that's why I've been teaching you guys to do.
And I do believe that when you work on yourself and your best version, you do attract the best versions of other people. But it doesn't mean that if it doesn't work out with someone or they weren't the person you want them to be, that that means you didn't do the work on yourself. What it means that when you're doing the work on yourself, that you're able to catch it faster and you're able to walk away faster. So right away with my girlfriend, who was full on trying to fuck me, even though he was like, no, like, oh, no, I wasn't.
Yeah, you are. And I'm not even that flattered because men will try to fuck anything with the whole I'm not going to fuck you without commitment, period. But at least now I'm so confident that I don't need to maybe try to offer something I'm not comfortable with just in the hopes that somebody is going to want to date me. So I feel like that's what change between who I am now versus who I was in the past. Like, now I'm not going to do things that make me uncomfortable.
I'm not going to do things out of my comfort zone just to make someone else happy. And I'm going to be forward and say exactly how I feel. And I was very forward, like, what are you doing? Do you like me? Do not. And he was like, oh, my God, where's it coming from? When guys, by the way, say, where's it coming from? They fucking know where it's coming from.
Like they know, they know they're just playing dumb. And I would know this because I've asked him about advice about men a million times now just change because this time I'm the girl you're trying to bang.
But I was like, this is coming from my head. So you like me, do not. And he was like, I don't know. I just feel like it's better for friends. I was like, OK, then why the I don't know, friends fuck friends. That's where my idea came from. You know, others like AA groups and support groups, there should be support groups for dating losers.
Like I'll start. I called my friend. I was like you here. I can't believe I sucked a guy's dick. Like, I feel like there should be a support group like you. I can't believe I sucked. Blanked Dick every Wednesday at five thirty pm, we all meet and we all cry when we put that little pencil dick in our mouth. Like what. Why would I do that to myself. Why do I hate myself. Like why do I put myself through that.
That's literally how I felt. So yeah. Let's start a support group for. I can't believe I sucked his dick anyway. I would love to continue doing little intro things for you guys whether to update you about my life or something else. I prefer just giving, like dating advice or talking about something else you rather we talk about before I start episodes, if you want to do me. Let me know what you want me to talk about. That'll be great.
But also one thing I forgot to mention before we get started is that super cool. A couple of fans of the podcast started Dmae Me. They actually won the giveaway from Thriller last week for five hundred dollars. And also they're going know they want the merchandise. I have to send them. But don't worry, I'm going to do a bunch of more giveaways so you'll have a chance to win merchandise. New merchandise is going to come soon. I'm starting slowly to work on it.
But the cool thing is that we realize that we want to do really cool private sessions where it's like a bit bootcamps, but it's only for very specific people who sign up and it'll be through. Zoome and I give you a phone guideline, a full on bitch boot camp just for you guys. You can ask me whatever you want and we'll send you notes afterwards and I think it'll be really cool and a really cool way to also get close to a lot of you guys because I do my best to respond to my DMS or even when I go on trial or live, that's already feels closer.
But I feel like the Zoome thing that we're thinking of doing will make me feel even closer to you guys because I can't get to all of you.
And it sucks you right now with covid. It's not like I can even like travel anywhere to meet any of you. So I don't know. I think they'll be really cool idea. So DME and let me know your thoughts, but that's that. And Army, let me know what else you want me to talk on these intros. And also soon I'm going to start bringing in fans for interviews on this podcast. If you have an interesting life, a funny sex story.
Really cool job, Demi. I'm interview you. All right. Let's get started with my episode with Patti.
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Hi, guys, welcome to another episode of To Talk To Be Crazy on every Thursday. With me, your host, Violet Benson. Today, my super, super, super special guests. I mean, everyone knows her. It's Patti Stanger. She is an American businesswoman and reality TV personality. She's known for starring in producing in her own TV show, Milliner's Matchmaker. And she's actually the founder and CEO of Millionaire's Club. One, two, three, dotcom, a professional service for high and matchmaking.
Actually, you know, it's funny, the other day my friend tried to set me up with this guy. When I Googled him, I realized he was a millionaire matchmaker on the show. He didn't want a woman to have like a professional that stuff. And you were trying to convince them otherwise.
I'll be pregnant and barefoot and cook and play for him so he can hug her around town. Women today are strong and making their own money and having platform podcast like you have. Women want as much as a man does. Now you have to get over the 50s idea of a housewife. That stuff is dead. That's not going to happen anymore, especially when you don't make money and you have two incomes. And it's not enough to have children in this stupid economy we live in.
And with covid and the way everything's been set up for the rich to only get rich and the poor never to raise up, women have to work like we have a choice. Now get over it.
As much as men say they love a strong woman, do they really love a strong woman that makes her own money?
They want a woman they can dominate. Look, the Batel wants the woman that makes money. So you always see, like the CEO or the executive of an Internet company or maybe an entertainment company. And she beats the blue collar worker guy because he cleans the house, he does construction, he takes care of the dogs, et et cetera, and they merge. But also that makes a lot of money. Just generally would like either to be a power couple, which is what you're looking for, a power couple.
So you both come together with your careers. Are you going to nanny or you figure out how are you going to raise the children together? There are men that want equal. They want they're equal. But do they?
Because I feel like I try actresses in Hollywood get together with actors in Hollywood. They're power couple. It doesn't last. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson laughs. My favorite Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell asked if that's not true at all.
So you're saying they want someone who can make their own money, but they still want to be the alpha in the house, so that's the only difference?
No, no, no. If you both make money, then you take turns being AlphaBeta. Usually the woman runs the house and the man runs everything else. If you make more money than the man, he puts you automatically into the alpha position, which is not correct because like I'm alpha at work, but I'm bad at home and I need a stronger rather than me because I'm not attracted to beta. I love beta. We're dying on step on like cockroaches.
Yeah, I'm similar to that. So how did you get into matchmaking?
I see that you're third generation matchmaker, so you just kind of knew that's what you wanted to do. No, I never wanted to do it. I hated it actually. I still do know in some ways now I'm really getting I got into it because my mom did it. I went to Florida, my mom owned a restaurant, and I was like, hanging out, slacking off, you know, like not wanting to do anything like a true millennial at the time.
Just let the garment center. I had been in the garment center almost ten years and the industry had crashed like the mortgage banking industry crashed. And so my mom's like, you're going to sit around and be a hostess at my restaurant. She circled the ad for Great Expectations, the the dating service that was around at the time, and, you know, maybe going for an interview. Then I learned the business. So I always had a natural inclination to match.
I'm intuitive. I'm psychic. That's how I do it. But I didn't understand how you would make money because my parents did it for the temple and they didn't do it to make money. They did it to get the community back on its feet. And so I had to learn that, oh, this is a real business, a real living. And I came to California to start my own company. It was a time of the gold rush of the Silicon Valley millionaire.
It was earlier than Facebook. Like, this is a whole this is the second generation, but the first generation was Google and all of that. And they came in and you kind of saw that they didn't know how to dress. They didn't know how to date. There weren't any women in silicon and they rented these houses. There was no Airbnb. And they called me and be like, hook me up, sister. And they all got married and took their wives home.
And that's how it started.
So that's how you knew right away you're just going to start with the millionaires because they actually had another job. And I was offered a job at Paramount to work in the marketing department, which, you know, that's what my dream was, to get to film business. I went to film school and the head of the marketing department, Arthur Concepts, mentioned that you're not going to do this. You're going to do the other thing, your side hustle, because your side hustle is going to be your main hustle, because they're going to be networks looking for people like you to have TV shows and tell them about their careers.
And that's all started.
So what you're the millionaire matchmaker started.
I don't remember what your millionaire matchmaker started, but it was on for like a good amount of seasons, right on for eight years. One hundred and seven episodes. I left them for contract negotiation reasons. I still make money with them. They're still my partner and. You know, they made me famous and I love you, brother. Was it hard for someone as powerful as you today because everyone thinks you're like, do men find you intimidating because of it?
No, I don't think they find me intimidating. But finding that person is hard, you know, like I have let them men attracted to me, but they're not what I want. I had an issue growing up where my dad lost his money. He would like a yo yo up and down one day. I have money one day. So I tend to attract men who are very athletic and good looking. But they didn't have any money and that I had to take care of them.
And that's when I realized I don't like being. They put me in the alpha position and I was raised traditionally Jewish. So I don't like that feeling and then I'm adopted. So my biological parents were not Jewish. And so it was interesting. My grandmother's Cherokee Indian, my mother's German Catholic. So I was in this place where I was like my DNA probably was signaling this tall, athletic, good looking guys. Like my mom came from Michigan where they make college corn of handsome men.
And then I was not attracted to Jewish men, even though I tried them. And so I repelled. I was trying to figure out where was my place in the sun. And that's very hard. And as you keep making more money and being more successful and more famous, there's less people to choose from as you get older. That's the worst part. I agree.
Looking back now on the show with how dating changed in general, do you, like, regret some of the advice you gave back then, or do you feel like all the advice still applies to this day?
I hate the fact that we make fun of redheads because I really love redheads, but it was because the men didn't like them and I was a little harsh on them. And I have red highlights and I once was red back when I was in my 20s. So I would take that back with all the other stuff I would not take back. All this other stuff is real. Thing I regret is the red hot comment.
I love the show and like I also joined to listen to on clubhouse, I noticed sometimes when you were bring on women for these millionaires, you'd be like, oh no, we're dying your hair. This girl will go from brunet to blond. You have to understand if you want to date a millionaire or a billionaire millionaire, multimillionaire billionaire. I know what they're saying. I know what they're thinking. And if it's the two clients I'm doing for the week, I know who's going to be attractive.
And if I see a girl who wears a howdy dowdy dress with pantyhose and her hair is like ash blond and she needs to be a brunet to popularize or, you know, change your dress to get a push up bra to elevator boots. I'm going to do that for not just for the guy, but for them when they go out and date because they're wallflowers in the back of the house and I want to shoot them in the front. Did you not notice that?
Every single time I did it, the millionaire picked them. Did you not notice that? No, I did. Yeah. Well, then I know my job. I know what I'm doing.
So you're saying is just when you're dating a millionaire or a billionaire, that's a different criteria versus like if a guy tells me he prefers a brunet, I'm going to be like, OK, where are you going to love blonds now? Because I'm blond.
No, no, no, no, no. If the girl didn't look her best in what she was wearing hair color to her shoes, I'm going to fix it. A lot of those girls had terrible haircuts. They had awful damaged hair. They were over bleaching. They didn't use extensions, you know, to even out their hair to make it look killer. There's a lot of things I did to them, but more importantly, it was to enhance their look.
Now, the second thing is I did it to men who I had millionairess women. Right. And I did it to gay men, too. When Ashley Honokaa came on, I cut that guy's hair. He had long hair short. I said, you look like a bob, like he looks like the Dutch boy on the paint. Can I got to fix your hair and I cut it.
OK, I guess that makes sense. You were trying to change everyone up because. Yeah, if I came to you and I was like, help me day and you're like, you won't be able to find a husband unless your hair was brown, I was like, then I'll be along.
No, that's I'm sorry. I don't think I ever said it like that. I just said, how would you feel if I did this was going to make you look better. I never said you gotta find a husband the way you look. OK? Yeah, that's true. No, totally 100 percent. OK, so today, basically when I was talking to Nicole, by the way, Nicole Barnham, she was saying how in clubhouse you guys were wanting to do a topic about going from Chick to being the main chick.
So I kind of like in a way, I wanted it to be the topic today from like going from friendzone to that and all that. So that's kind of the topic.
You have to love yourself first to say to yourself this I'm going to give this short amount of time. I'm not going to waste one hundred years waiting for him to turn around to pick me as the one if he has a girlfriend. First of all, I don't recommend doing. I agree. But if he's like chasing chicks and you're like, you know, hooking up with him once or twice a week, if you want to be that main, then you need to cut off the nookie no more, have a conversation and say, look, I really like you.
I'm really attracted to regrade couples together, but I'm not interested in any more side stuff. Are you interested in having a relationship with me? And if you're not, it's cool. I just want to put you in the friendzone because this this is the last time and you have to say it. Women don't ask questions. They don't state what they want. If a man asks you on a first date, do you want to get married, you say, yes, I want to get married.
If you want a kid, yes, I want to have children. Because if he doesn't better he leave now that. Later, when you're heartbroken and we see you're on a loser, right, that's so true, we are sometimes afraid to just, like, say things we don't want to look like we're rushing to commitment or scare the guy away.
Yes, but you have to have a verbal conversation, if you like. For instance, if you want the ring in my book, become your own matchmaker. There's a whole chapter on exactly the word. That's how to get the ring from the guy who is not giving you the ring yet.
So how do you get the ring from the guy who's not giving you the ring when he comes in to his son?
You know, you say, look, I'm really attracted to you, but I'm just not the type of girl that sleeps around. You know, I need to feel safe. And then you let an awkward pause linger because he's going to process that go OK. What will make you feel safe? And you go monogamy commitment. I want to be a monogamous, committed, long term relationship. I don't want to be with a man who fucks around and I certainly don't fuck around.
And then you stop. If he doesn't come forward, he's a douche bag. He's the guy that's fucking everything, like driving the car off the lot and never purchasing it. He's normally going to stay if he likes you. Well, well, I thought we were in a committed relationship. I thought we were exclusive. In his mind, he thinks he's exclusive without saying it. What if he says, what will I do like you?
I'm attracted to you, I'm just not ready for anything right now.
Then that's the guy who drives the car that does that keeps driving, like, a lot. Then you go, well, you know, if you're not ready for anything else, then I'm not your girl. But best of luck in your search.
And then you cut communication, you stop communication, you leave.
You don't want to be friends with him. You can block him. You could do whatever you want to lead him out of your phone. But the problem is, if he wants you bad enough, he'll find you. Now, he might leave and come back. A man has not gone for eight weeks. He can be gone for week to week three and all of a sudden it hits him that he misses you. But it takes a moment with them.
Yeah, I've been reading that in books because I do a lot of dating research to kind of better understand it. And yeah, I read that in this one book that you have to wait eight weeks for him to realize or reach out if after we had eight weeks for them to miss you.
The way their corpus callosum is is smaller. They're part of the brain. So they don't miss that immediately. We miss immediately, but then we're over it by the time they come back.
And also when they hit you up in between, if they're not saying, like, I want to date you, you just don't say anything.
That's submarine. When they submarine and they pop up and say, let's grab a coffee, let's take a walk. And you're like, wait a second, what do you really want? We we've already had a discussion. I want monogamy. So you could say, listen, I'd love to have a lot deals, but what did you think about my discussion about monogamy? Because I'm not interested in having sex and you need to stay at home. Look, I can't tell you how many men have come back to me when I told women to do this and said to me, I am so grateful I listen to you.
And she's my wife now because I could have fucked up royally. And the fact that she had brain and spine and had self self-love to tell me what she wanted to turn to me even on more.
I like the I agree. I'm very straightforward. So like I can wait around for two seconds with him right away. I'm just kind of like, what's the deal? And then I feel like you can scare guys off a lot of the time.
So you don't care because the man doesn't scare off. The boy scares off like that one in a hundred for the man. But the man's going to go, let's go. The man feels differently. It feels protective, it feels safe. He's consistent. He calls you when he says you're going to play. He asked you out when he says he's going to ask you out, he makes plans. The man's consistent. The boy's not. The boy's a child.
He's Peter Pan.
I have another question. If let's say you're friends with the guy guys, a lot of times they can be friends with women, but they can still want to sleep with them, like if you allow it. So how come some guys will try to sleep with their friends? They can have the best friendship. Then they want to take the next level to sleep with them. But then suddenly they're like, don't want to take it to the next level to date them.
How do you handle that?
If he was never flirting with you in the beginning, your friend, but if he flirted with you while you were friends, you have an opening window. They might try other girls. But if he never flirted with you in the beginning, you're in the friend zone.
So let's say you guys were always friends, you were always flirting. And then one day he tries to sleep with you or he tries to take you out, whatever. You have to stop it and do what I just did. If you want monogamy or commitment, unless you just try him out. But if you want commitment, monogamy is to stop the train and actually present and say, this is what I want, what do you want? And if they don't meet up at the same level, goodbye, you'll go back to friendship.
That's all you you'll go to Benjamin if you won't take him seriously anymore.
That happened to me recently. I've been really good friends with a guy for years. He's always tried to pursue me. I finally go far. We gone on a day or two, whatever. We're talking all the time. And then in my head I was like, what is this? So then I kind of was like, what's the deal? Do you like me? Do not. He was like, What? I feel like I like you and I'm attracted to you.
I just I don't think we're good fit.
And I was like, OK, so OK then he's not your guy because what guy is going to actually get bad and say, I don't think we're a good fit. He's an immature idiot. That's an idiot. I didn't sleep with him. OK, but that's an idiot. That's a child. Exactly.
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He just wanted to get off. Men are going to be like that. They're just friends running through the system, especially in the 20s. It's going to be like, I want to hose everybody down. I mean, like he's ready to go.
So then will test you because if you allow it, they'll take. So it's up to you to say, no, it's a man. It's a dog that doesn't know when to stop eating.
These are really great. And I love them. I agree. I did notice that you recently got out of a relationship about two years ago, but yeah, two years ago.
But one of the main reasons was because he to me, your nonnegotiable at the time.
He did. I thought he had money and I thought is successful. We had issues with money in our relationships and they want sex with great. But emotionally we're very different. He's cold and I'm hot. And so I'm very warm and nurturing. He's kind of cold and windy. He's kind of like that reform bad boy, which I'm not going towards ever again and not negotiables are the best. But, you know, when chemistry comes in, sometimes the non negotiable go out the window.
So one thing that I do agree with you, I feel like that has never change. And now I'm trying to bring it back, especially on my podcast. Some girls get mad at me. I 100 percent agree with you and I stand behind you with the whole wait to have sex until you're monogamous. 100 percent agree with you on that point. Some girls don't agree with me. But I do think when you get physical, you end up like racing.
You end up being so forward physically, but emotionally, you're still in the beginning. That's what you have to get to the emotional part before you can connect physically.
Right now, men fall in love emotionally, not physically. Women can fall in love physically, but mentally, emotionally. Women have estrogen and men don't. And that creates oxytocin when they bond. And when the man touches, you get that, you get a rush like you're drunk. It's why it's called Punch Drunk Love. You feel like you're fucked up in love. But men don't have that. Many men do not bond through sex. They bond through emotional connection.
The consistency, knowing that the person is there loving to talk to them, spend time with them and laugh with them.
Yeah, I agree. That's why for me at least I know I get attached to, then I hold off to sleep with somebody because I don't want to get blurred vision about so many things I don't like when I'm talking about non-negotiable. I'm talking about like I want to get married in the next year or two.
I want to have kids and a couple of them write that down and you ask the guy on the date, what's your five year plan? If it doesn't include marriage and kids get out, he's not worth it.
So on the first day, you already figure out the non-negotiable of that means you're going to you're going to get into the zone where he starts talking and talk about shit. You're going to say, what's your five year plan? And you'll figure it out from there.
OK, what are some red flags to watch out with the guy you're talking to?
Well, first of all, is he Texas forever? You never asked you out or calls you on the phone. Do not go on a date with a guy who doesn't call you on the phone. You have to hear his voice. Women only fall in love through their ears. Men fall in love through their eyes. So he calls you on the phone. You're going to get a sense of whether or not you want to go on the date. Then you can proceed to a face time date because the covid and a mass date.
The one thing that I would say to everybody is that it's imperative to check the guy out like you want to make sure he's legit. If you found them online, does he have a LinkedIn profile? Does he work where he says he's going to work? There's an app called Spokeo that you can background check anybody, put the telephone number and background check it. The other thing I think is important is that when you're vetting your guy, you're making sure that he's not coming on to you sexually, because if he comes out with dick pics and stuff like that, this is a low rent loser that is going to destroy your self-esteem.
Probably a narcissist, spineless sociopath that is on these app hunting prey and is not interested in the relationship. Right.
I agree with that. I think I think it's important that whatever you do as a woman, you do it for yourself and not for the other guy because you're scared he's not going to like you. I think a while back, like beginning of quarantine, I was sexting with the guy we went to. We hung out like once or twice. And then he started sending me, like, shirtless pics. And they've got to the point that was like really low.
And I was like, hey, that's making me uncomfortable. Like, we're not there yet. We haven't even kissed. I need you to not send me that. And then he did it again twice or three times and kind of gaslighted me making me feel like I'm out of the shower. I have a towel on. It's not a big deal. Like, you know, while you already crossed a boundary that I asked you not to do, it's not going to work out.
And I didn't know if I moved too quickly with, like, pushing him away or if I made the right call because I really irritated me.
You made the right call. Your gut is your intuition. If you feel something's off nine times out of ten, it's all OK. So you have to realize if you pay attention to the signs, he's going to reveal himself middle of the pump and dump and talk about their resume and their family and their shit. And if he starts with negativity like I lost my job, I have no money, I have no place to live, my life sucks.
Get out. They lead with their positive or they don't need at all.
What if you're in a relationship with somebody that you really love, but they're not giving you what you need? When do you know when it's time to walk away? I want to do the Five Languages of Love book and the test, I take the test and I read the book and I find their love language. I start doing it to them in their love language. I make them take the test and then they would have to do me. And if it still doesn't work after that, maybe you're not meant to be together.
The five languages of love. Those are love. Can't cope with the way we like feeling. Love that language. And there's a primary and secondary. Those two languages make you feel good. If that's not making you feel good, that he's never going to make you feel good.
I was actually going to ask you about the languages of love, because can you date somebody that you have different love languages if you just learn each other? Or is it better to be a match?
You just have to know your opposite, your partner's love language, and then you can actually love them the way they need to feel love.
Oh, so you can still date somebody that has different love languages in you. Yeah, it's just a matter of you giving to them and then giving to you. But if you're giving to them and they're not giving to you, you have a problem. Look, the world is made up of givers and takers to givers need to be together because they need to learn how to receive two takers need to be together because they have to learn how to get high.
I never thought about that. That's actually really interesting. I like that. OK. How do you spot a commitment phobe and can they change a commitment for somebody who's afraid of relationships?
Period. He has an intimacy problem probably from childhood. Somewhere along the line, he made a decision that either he wasn't good enough to have a relationship or he feels that love is not real. This isn't real. So he evades it. And what happens is his commitments tend to attract women who want relationships, not other commitments. So they go towards the little Bambi in the woods. And you're susceptible to that. If you're like a rom com girl and love falling in love at the first sign of whatever, you're going to be attracted to commitments.
So you need to make sure that in the beginning it is a commitment. So we need to get out of that relationship. Can they change when they get older? They change like George Clooney. When they get older, usually they're bigger, better deal or serial monogamist. But when they get older, they say, I'm tired of chasing women. Someone settle down. But there is always Robin, there was a roving on.
Can you be somebody like phone call, game changer of their commitment phobe or whatever.
It's like if you give them ultimatum and you say you're going to leave, which is in my book, you know, when you want the ring. So you would basically say, look, this isn't what I want and you're a great catch. I love you. I think you're awesome. But if you don't want the same thing, I want I need to go because I love myself first and you second. And he will see that when you leave after a certain amount of time, if he really loves you, he will try to get you back.
That's when the player becomes the stayer.
What about if it's somebody that had an on and off relationship with somebody and they're walking away? So then of course their partner is like, OK, they're just going to come back eventually again?
No, because if you go back, you've already made the cycle of abuse continue. Can that be salvaged at all? Only way it's going to be salvaged if it's at Tiffany's. And he's made me there for a ring. So how is it going to be salvage? What's going to change? He has to commit or she has to commit. You know, it's not always men. Women have problems, too, and gay people have problems, too.
Everybody has a commitment sold in their category, male or female, gay, straight, pink, polka, dot fluid, transgender, whatever.
Yeah, no. So how many times should you try before you finally walk away from somebody that you really loved? Is it just like one conversation?
I think it's a one to time deal. I think if you continue to keep going back, he or she is going to be with you and take advantage of it. I can take you seriously the minute it happens. You need to, like, get everyone out of the house. If there's people in your house, turn the computers and the phones off and say, look, I need to talk to you about something and then go right into it.
You can't be watching the football game or you at a dinner. You know, he needs to, like, hear it straight from the horse's mouth because he can't have outside stimulation. The waiter, the people coming into the restaurant, you want to be able to look him in the eye and go do this is what I want. What do you want?
Also, when you're walking away from somebody, whether it's in conversation or in text or phone call, I think a lot of times men expect the woman to go crazy. And then I've been reading a lot of books where you just, like, keep it very calm or whatever, because then it makes men question themselves like, does she even like me? What are the best tips for a woman to act after a break up or walking away from something?
I think you you really need a good support system, your friends, your family. I cut off the communication. I wouldn't the friends I wouldn't go to the places they go to. I wouldn't stop them on the Internet. And then you need to go into you. Why do you keep attracting this type of man? What is in you that needs that validation from them? Is there some woman that you're trying to heal like did your dad leave your mom or your dad was not around?
And you're looking at this man is like, if he loves me, then that heals all my world because there's some kind of dynamic going on there if you keep going back. And generally speaking, statistics have shown us that the women usually have daddy issues. I'm part of their dad has left the family emotionally, physically or both, and they somehow are attracting fragments of their dad and this guy. It would be the same with a man, with a woman like mommy issues, so it's like some kind of issue keeps surfacing that if he loves me, I'm worthy, I'm the shit on the street, I'm cool.
And really, it's I'm not enough. You've got too much of running a broken record, like a program in your brain going, I'm not enough. And then you keep attracting people that validate you're not enough. Somebody says that I want to commit with you validated. I'm not enough for you. And that doesn't mean you can't be enough for somebody else. That just means this dude is making you self-conscious. So you need to stay away from people that don't raise you up.
How do you change that mindset in your brain? The perspective that you stop going for people who remind you of whatever childhood trauma you went through.
If you end up in a situation over and over again where this feels familiar, the mindlessness was familiar, then you need to change it up and say this, this is wrong. I'm not going there. I've seen that movie. I don't need to see it again. You know, I've lived that movie. I don't need to live it again. Because what happens is if you're going to create the same pattern and the energetic frequency is going to bring in, you know, like you study Law of attraction or any type of these metaphysical techniques, the energetic frequency, that vibration is so apparent in your system, it's going to bring in more of them.
You have to break the pattern by not allowing it to come in. And it doesn't have to scream, rant and rave at God and go, fuck you. Why did you bring this guy? And you can just say, look, no, thank you. I've had that. I don't particularly care for that type of man.
Right. Stop going for your quote unquote type.
Yeah. You can't give it any more heat or energy because the more times you give a heat heater an energy, more times you get angry or give it more attention, it comes up again. Another person shows up at the same thing because you're literally telling the universe that's what you want.
It's not even the universe, it's the subconscious. The program in the back of your computer brain. It's this computer. That window is open. And you didn't know that windows open. You have to shut that window. But you don't know how because you can't find the window. You have to break the subconscious. And the only way to break it is to not give it attention. Say thank you very much, but no thank you and not allow it in.
Don't dance with the devil. He may be hot and good looking, rich and sexy, but he's never going to give you what you want saying no thank you, devil. I prefer an angel. Right?
So it's just I think it's our women's need of wanting to constantly fix or change people. So it's like they find projects.
You can't change anyone. You couldn't change your child. You couldn't change your mother. You can't change your life. You can't change anyone. They have to want to change to lead a horse to water and show it. But you can't make it drink. So the truth of the matter is you can have great ideas and great concepts and it can be intellectually stimulating, but it doesn't mean they're going to apply it. Why do men always come back?
They come back when the switch goes off. Usually you're attracted to someone else. They feel the energetic with the psychic connection. You've made love with them. You've had their penis inside your vagina. And there's an energetic frequency. You know, they call that in the Kama Sutra, the kind of I was raised. You have connection, your wires are attached. So when you go off with another guy, he feels and smells cock and cock doesn't like up, so it wants to block cock.
So he comes in to try to mess you up to say, I'm back, I'm back.
You don't answer because he's not asking for commitment. He just wants your attention to make sure you're still hooked.
He wants to take a temperature reading to see if he could still get you a challenge. But you are most times you're past that point. You're like, oh, I'm not going to take him back. I met someone else. And if you didn't meet someone else and he comes back and you're weak, you will take him back. Dangerous, very dangerous. Have to come back when you're weak.
Only that for you commitment or whatever it is that you needed. Yeah, unless he's going to give you a ring and give you the commit one set, the wedding date and all the little things that you want, all the goodies.
Do you men know right away within like the beginning of dating whether or not they just want to fuck this woman or they can actually have a future with them?
They don't really know that they have a future. What they do is they know they're sexually attracted. They want to sleep with you. But the other layers of the onion start to unravel. The more times they know, they end up falling in love with you. If they're healthy, emotionally healthy, not toxic men, toxic men have wires crossed. So healthy men, more time they spend and were deeper they get. And if they're in a good place where they can get married, they want to buy a house or whatever they know, but they don't know so quickly.
Like it's a little too instantaneous. Now there are people that love at first sight. I like to call that reincarnation from the past coming the present, like he recalled them from past lives. And they know right away it doesn't always work. Right. Spend a lot of people say they've met people, they fall in love and, you know, girls that do it over and over again and then, you know, girls who never have had it.
Libras always falling in love over and over again. It's like a fairy tale for them. Is it true that when a guy does really like you, nothing will stop him from pursuing you are getting you? Pretty much so I feel like that's one thing that we always do.
We make excuses for guys like, well, he's really busy, works a lot right now.
I mean, that doesn't mean he can't be working. He might feel content with you and he's working to build an empire, but it and he's crazy. You OK?
So I've also been reading a lot of different books from. Guys, perspectives about placeholder versus game changers. It seems like now that even if you got him to commit and you're in a relationship, you could still be technically, quote unquote, a placeholder while he's still looking for his wife. So, like, how can you even tell them that you're serious?
Because you have to have conversations and talk about the future. And if he doesn't talk about the future, then you're a placeholder.
But what if, like some things you mentioned, he was like, yeah, sure, babe, OK, yeah. You just have to notice signs.
You can tell when someone's asking you to someone having a conversation or like if you're not meeting his family and things like that, kind of if you're being hidden, you're being hidden. You know, you got a problem. If they're not putting a picture of you on Instagram, you have a problem. They're bigger, better dealing it. Yeah, absolutely. And I don't want to hear on private bullshit if a guy doesn't have an Instagram, you could put the picture up.
You don't have to tag them. But if he gets mad that you're putting the picture up, you have a problem. Yeah, my ex used to be like that with Facebook.
We were like years ago and he was cheating on me. So that's why. There you go.
Where can people find you? Oh, OK.
You can either do me on Instagram, it's patte with an eye or you can go to Millionaires Club once two three dotcom there is an S in millionaires. And where can they find your book? My book is Become Your Own Matchmaker. You find it on Amazon. It's broken up into like four books for digital. Or you can get the whole book, hardcover, softcover, and it all depends what you want.
OK, well thank you so much for coming on. And don't forget to check out Pattee and I'll talk to you guys next week. Bye, guys. Hi.