Hi, guys, I'm Bill Bennett, and welcome to to try to be crazy on every Thursday. Don't forget to to subscribe to my channel.
Oh, this is on YouTube. I'll do that when I get on YouTube.
Don't forget to subscribe to my podcast. Too Tired to be crazy. And after this episode, please rate me and review me. They'll be dub. Thank you so much. And if you have any questions and you need advice and you want to be featured in this podcast, make sure to do me on at Biola Benson or to try to be crazy on Instagram and. Yeah. All right. So today's episode is about friendship and friendship break ups. And I didn't realize how hard this topic would be because, you know, I just I was going to be simple and I started to do a bunch of research and I was listening to different TED talks to kind of get a better understanding of, you know, why we fall apart when it comes to friendships or from toxic friendships.
It just drifting apart or what happens? How do you cope with it?
And I came to the conclusion that, holy shit, there are literally. Marriage counselors out there, dating therapist, songs and movies about relationships and breakups, but there's nothing really out there when it comes to friendship breakups. So I think it almost makes sense why we a lot of the time don't know how to cope with it.
So I don't think I can fully cover everything in one episode. I think it's going to take more than one episode and. And yes, but I'll do my best to cover a lot of the questions you guys asked me and to kind of also share my experience. But first, I wanted to answer a few questions. That's a Q&A that you guys asked me. OK, so the first question that I got was, have you ever felt lost? The answer to that is yes, of course.
There's quite a few times in my life as I'm going through major changes that I felt lost. And the best way for you to feel OK about feeling loss is that a everyone else goes through it.
But also, I think the minute you start to feel lost in your life, it's most likely because you've begun to outgrow whatever, wherever you are in your life, and it means that it's time for a change.
So instead of looking at feeling lost like such a negative and compare yourself to other people, be proud of the fact that you're lost because that means that you are finally ready for a change and you're ready to start something new. That means, in my opinion, that means that you're bored where you're at and you want to just keep going further. And instead of comparing yourself to other people, I recommend to celebrate your small victories, even if no one else.
Thinks they're victories for you, their victories, and there's something, you know, you got to celebrate your small victories because no one knows how hard it was for you to go through it, whether it's your feeling lost and you're you're so depressed and you're finally getting out of bed when you've been in bed for three days. That's amazing. You finally got out of the fucking bed like good for you. Celebrate that little tiny victory. Or if you're feeling loss of your job and you finally realize that maybe you want a different career path, that's great, because so many other people in their whole lifetime will go on their whole lifetime staying at a miserable job.
But now you you realize you wanted to do something else. And the fact that you were even able to figure out that you like something most people in their lifetime don't even realize what they like or what they want to do in their life. So that's already one little step that you are further than someone else out there. So celebrate that. OK, next question is, how can you tell when you finally moved on? I'm assuming from a breakup, I think, you know, when you start to think about them less and less, you stop trying to bring their name up every time in a conversation or you stop trying to find a reason to reach out.
You start to check their social media less and less, you know, maybe go from a few days for a few times a day to just like once a day to a few times a week to completely kind of forgetting what they're up to. And when someone brings up their name, your heart doesn't drop to the floor because you know that feeling when you first go through a breakup or you're really hurt by someone, friendship or breakup, when their name gets brought up, your heart just completely drops.
So when that feeling starts to fade is when you're slowly starting to move on. And I think the hardest part about moving on from someone is. That at first, whenever something good happens or something bad happens, you realize that they're not there anymore to share with them. And I think eventually when you stop thinking about wanting to share those moments with that person or and you you stop trying to maybe even plot a way for them to see that moment, whether it's somehow social media or telling a friend, hoping they'll tell that person when you stop doing all that, I think that really have moved on.
So you'll know. Last question was, what is something super weird about you that no one knows?
OK, so there's literally a lot of things that are really weird about me that people may or may not know. So I really had to sit down and think like, OK, what do people not know about me? Not even my friends. That's weird. And I have it.
If you like me or if you have a crush on me or I make your people go up, then press fast forward through this little part. Cool.
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Let me start from the beginning. When I was growing up, my father for his job would be away a lot most most of the year because he was an engineer and a lot of times he would either sail away for his job or he would, you know, go to China for a few months. So I only saw my dad four times of the year every year. And he'll be around for a week, maybe close to a month. So I am really growing up, especially as a child, if you don't see.
A parent, as often you only see them four times a year, to be honest, you know, you don't you're not really going to build a relationship with that person. You're not going to know them that well, especially as you're going through those awkward stages and everything. So whenever my father would be in town, he he's a very handy man. So he would start he would like be fixing everything, whether he needs to fix the fridge or or fix a balcony or whatever.
But he was always like working on something when he'd be home for, like at least 30 days. My dad is allergic to deodorant and cologne and all that, like toiletries or whatever, so he can't use any of those Sophi sweating like he can't use deodorant. So anyway, while he will be working on these things, he would be sweating. And it got to the point that I would recognize the scent of sweat with my father. And I ended up growing to like it subconsciously because so that's where my weirdness comes from, is that I actually like the scent of sweat when it comes from, like, my partner or I mean, I would say mainly like a person that I like, like not random people that are sweating like around me, like, you know, I don't need my plumber to smell like sweat.
I'm not going to be like, oh, shit. Can I sniff you for a second? Like, that's not for me. But it's more like when I like a person, they always get so embarrassed when they smell. But for me, I like that sense a lot because I associate it with my father growing up and the smell of sweat so silly. But the smell of sweat reminds me of home and and it makes me feel safe in a weird way.
I like the smell of sweat so much that. It's really hard for me to sweat because I'm super dehydrated all the time, but when I do, when no one's looking, I save myself because I like the smell.
So you wanted weird, this is it anyway.
Yeah, so let's start with the good parts about friendships and why we all love having friends a. You need friends for everything, like I've said before, you literally can't survive a breakup or a bad day or anything without someone who's a good friend and is there for you. A writer die via FEF is is so much more than a boyfriend, in my opinion. And that's why we end up getting so dependent on them, because they give you so much more.
Some examples of a writer, Dibia Fefe, and you close your eyes and you try to imagine the first person that comes to mind, someone who's not afraid to tell you the truth, like, damn, Becky, that mustache is out of control. She'll tell you because that's what a good friend does. She encourages and supports your life choices, even if those choices include dick in your mouth and a boring Friday night. If Hoh is alive, then she's all about that life because she supports you.
She hates your ex more than you do because she knows how amazing you are. You can always crash at her place when you don't want to be alone and vice versa. You have your own inside jokes and your own language. Sometimes you can literally understand each other without speaking. She takes bomas, candid photos of you. I cannot stress enough how important that little part is in a friendship. You need a good friend that doesn't get annoyed to take one thousand seven pictures of you because you'll do the same for her.
But also like, you know, she knows your angles and she keeps them candid and and she's always also the first one to comment on that picture that she took about like, oh my God, what?
Like I would die to look like you even though she took the photo.
Then she helped you edit it. She saw the photo before she helped you pick the right photo. But then she'll still comment on your Instagram as if it's the first time she's ever seen you. And you look like a beauty queen because that's what her best friend does. Let's see. She she knows about your crush. She stalks your crush before even you have time to do it. She helps you with everything. She obsesses over him with you. She helps you text him, whether it's sexting or even just like responding.
Maybe like you guys even have a fun game where she shows up on your date in, like, a little disguise and watches your day just to see how it goes. Like, that's a true best friend. She accepts you for the weirdo that you are. She knows all your darkest secrets, including the moments you're not proud of. She's stuck around for the good days and also the bad days. She would never dream of trading you for some basic, sane, normal.
Be fair, because having you around is so much more fun and you feel the same way about her. Whoever that person is that you're thinking about, that I'm giving you examples of. That's your best friend. That's right. Or die. And now imagine if that best friend that I just described, everything about, that you were like, holy shit, that's Becky for me. She's like a sister. Now, imagine she's gone. Ouch, right.
How painful is that? I just described someone that's literally. Half of your life and now they're gone. I I felt a little pain in my chest just from thinking about that, you know, because. What are you going to do like now when you have something good or bad to say, who are you going to say it to? And and when you're upset over this friendship, usually when you're going through a breakup, you go to your best friend.
But now you're the breakup is with your best friend. So what do you do now? I just feel like we don't talk about it enough. Like even the movies like Titanic or The Notebook, if they rewrote it and it was about, you know, a French breakup instead of two lovers breaking up, they wouldn't publish it because they would think it's silly, but it's not. When you fight with the French people, we say it'll be OK, just get over it.
Or like, oh, it's fine, just make new friends. No one actually addresses how painful it can actually be to lose a friend. Sometimes it's even more painful than a real breakup. I think there's an expectation when it comes to friendship that this should be easy, especially as we get older, which honestly I feel like is the opposite in my opinion. As we get older, we let less people in.
We forgive less easily. We don't speak our mind as much as we were kids because we don't want to be dramatic or we just don't have time for it. It seems like we tend to call out our lovers for things way more than we would want to do with friends, because we just don't feel like it's necessary for some reason.
And then when it comes to to recover, we just we just don't know what to say. A lot of the time, because no one taught us what to say. There's no guidelines and everyone is telling us that it's not a big deal. So we don't know how to cope with it. And most importantly, we get so busy as adults pretending that we're fine and that everything is fine, and I think that's how issues arise until we completely grow apart.
A lot of people have come to me this year or even in midterms asking me about friendships and friendship, break ups and what do I do? I miss this person.
I was actually overwhelmed by by how many people came to me about this and also the fact that this year, for some reason, I've experienced a lot of shifts and changes in my friendships for making new friends to to letting go of some old ones, whether it was a friendship that I was friends with somebody for 15 years to a friendship that I was with some friends with someone for six years, but for some or and even one for like a year.
And for some reason, they're all the ones who really are meaningful to me. It doesn't even matter how long I've been friends with those people. It also hurts the same amount to me. I think as I'm growing as a person, my friendships are starting to change. And to be honest, I really do like the new friends are making. And the whole, in my opinion, in order to let go of a friendship breakup, is to understand that maybe it's for the better.
Maybe you are no longer the person you were when you were friends with that person. So maybe it is time for new friends to bring out something even better out of you. But I also know how painful it is.
And someone asked me why was a friendship break up? A lot of the time feels more painful than a relationship breakup. So I wrote a few things that, you know, when a friendship doesn't work out, you feel shame because you're so focused of trying to make relationships work and everyone tells you how friendships are supposed to just be easy, especially as we get older, that it's embarrassing. If you couldn't figure out how to even keep a friendship like what is wrong with you that that this is happening to you, we get so embarrassed a lot of the time that we kind of just don't really tell anyone because, again, everyone's telling us that friendship break up.
So not a big deal. So why are you crying over it? You know, friends, they know more about you than anyone else. It makes you feel exposed. It makes you feel vulnerable. And a lot of times you told your friend more things that you even told your partner. And I think that's why it's so hard then to say goodbye, because it almost feels like they betrayed you. You shared so much with them. And now now they get to take that information with them and now they're gone.
Even though it's just a friend and there's no sexual intimacy, there is still feels like you weren't good enough for that person. And not having closure makes you feel like you weren't enough. And it makes you question everything and you're confused. There's no clear guidelines of what to do when you're caught breaking up on like a love a breakup. It's like, OK, give me all your stuff. I'm going to pick up on my stuff, and then I'm probably going to take space from this person and block them or whatever.
There's no, like, clear guidelines with friendships, especially when you're just, like, drifting apart. So you're like, OK, do I wait to call them or do I just start calling them less or when do I know when to give up on texting them? Or if I run into them, do I say hello or or am I being angry? Or if we still have the same group of friends, how do I act around? This first person is just awkward.
There's actual research out there that shows the correlation of having good friends, that it literally helps you heal physically and emotionally more than having a spouse, that having good, stable friendships is good for your health and helps with longer, healthier lives. So with that being said, of course, losing a friend can feel physically and emotionally painful. I mean, how insane is that?
The fact that there's research connected to good friendships can help you physically with your health more than a spouse. I was really surprised when I saw that. And the last thing which is so insane, it's not insane to you guys, but it's insane to me because until I until I watched all these TED talks about friendships and and did research about this in order to do this podcast today, it didn't hit me how important expectations are.
So a lot of times when friendship breakups happen is because expectations were different, because, again, you can't you don't label anything in a friendship, in a relationship. Expectations happen and you kind of let your partner know, hey, I like when you do this. Hey, I like when you do that in friendship, you can enter into a friendship and you two can have completely different expectations. And you are not aware of it because you're not talking about it, which I'm not going to lie.
This was mind blowing to me because this explains so much about some of my friendships that didn't work out, especially one of one friendship that didn't work out super recently. And a lot of times that's what happens where you're drifting apart or feels like it's too much or your friend is saying you're a bad friend, quote unquote, when you feel like you're doing everything you're supposed to do as a good friend. And it's only because your expectations are different. How crazy is that?
Like maybe one friend expects you to call her every day and to always be with. Around and to help you with every single thing and blah, blah, and then the other friend expects to maybe talk to you a few times a week and she still considers you her best friend, but she's like busy with her life. Like, there's so many different expectations. Even calling someone back that day or always responding to texts, even little things like that are expectations.
And I think we don't realize that when we enter into our friendship how different our expectations are of friendships and how the love we want and we give is different. Like it's just that's my meaning to me. I was actually it's crazy that I was actually surprised. A question a lot of people ask me how to get over a friendship breakup. There's no right or wrong answer. Trust me, I researched about it and I was surprised just as much as you do you you are that there's like nothing concrete.
But I wrote a few things down that can help you. Whether it's a friendship break up where the person just start to go Gosta or it's toxic and you have to let them go or whatever it is, or, you know, they chose their boyfriend over you. In my opinion, no one is you have to say your piece, if the friendship meant something to you, you have to let them know how it's making you feel instead of just being silent about it or just texting them like, hey, what's up?
Can we can we hang out, whatever, like, you know, be like, hey, I need to have a conversation with you. Most of the time when I feel something, I send a text. I do not recommend that. I think I think those type of conversations, whether it's not with the lover or with a friend, they need to be either in person or on the phone. So that I would say that's better. But you have to say your piece so they know that they're hurting you or they know how you're feeling.
And then. If they're not reciprocating, even after that, you have to let go, you can't obsess about what you said or what you didn't because you gave your friend a chance and you tried. You said your piece. Now you have to take a step back. And the other thing is you have to understand your emotions and you have to really feel them. Fuck the fact that everyone keeps telling you that it's not a big deal if you're going through a friendship breakup or they'll come around or whatever.
It doesn't matter. The emotions you're experiencing right now are real emotions that are genuinely affecting your well-being. So you have to deal with them. So talk to another friend about it, not a not a friend in the same group. By the way, do you not do that? Talk to another friend that doesn't really know that friend or talk to your your sibling or to a parent, but try to deal with their emotions and understand why you're feeling all this pain, because you're letting a person go and also be OK with it.
Don't think it's weird because it's not. Then you have to take space and you have to also be OK with not stalking them to see what they're doing and then get jealous of their are with other friends or whatever. Like you just have to let them have their own life. And I know it's hard because we're feeling emotions of like. Why don't they love me as much as I love them, like, why am I like it? Fine, like maybe I'm not good enough for my partner, for a for a lover, but now I'm in fucking good enough for my friend.
Like, what is wrong with me? You can't have those thoughts. That person just went a separate way for whatever reason, and it's in your best interest to do the same. Like I said, you have to find support, but do not badmouth your friend because it would only make you look bad, especially if you have if you're in the same click. Maybe take a step back from that clip for a little bit or but whatever you do, don't talk trash to our common friend.
I've I've even made that mistake. And that's not never a good idea and only makes you look bad. And then it starts drama, blah, blah, try to take the high road. Except that a lot of the time during friendship break ups, there's no closure. And you have to be OK with that, even if you said your piece, maybe they didn't respond and then you have to learn how to make new friends. You have to start to figure out how to open up again.
I don't like I said before, I don't think the strength of a friendship is based on the duration. So you can make new friends who you're going to end up trusting them more and having a better, bigger bond with them. And it's going to feel stronger than when someone you knew for ten years, like I said, my new friends this year, the bond that I've created with them because they bring out the best of me. I've changed so much this year and I've worked so much and I'm still working on myself.
And I like the person I am when I'm around my friends because they're so positive. So they bring out the best of me. So I think we make the mistake thinking you only need to look for that in a partner that's like your lover can. You should only you should also be looking for that in a friend. I was just recently going through a friendship breakup that I didn't even realize I was going through a breakup. While I was doing research about friendship stuff, I was driving home listening to that song, its changes by extension or something, I was listening to that song and it's a really sad song.
And suddenly I started to cry because something hit me during my research about friendships that, holy shit, I'm currently going through a friendship breakup. And I didn't even realize it with one of my friends because this time it's not even the toxic friendship is just someone that let me go that. The texts start to come less and less, she stopped calling, she moved, she met, she got the message, she got a boyfriend. She just forgot I existed.
And I realized, like, I didn't, like, wait. I just realized that our friendship has become so one sided where just me reaching all the time. And when I like when I recently came out with my podcast and all my friends supported me, she didn't care to support me at all. Like she was just too busy. She wouldn't answer my texts. And while I was always there for her supporting her through every single endeavor and business thing that she had and it started, it didn't even hit me because I was in denial about it, like I think a lot of us are.
And every time she would randomly text me, hey, do you know where I can find this or how can you help me with that right away? I would jump up and I'd be like, oh, my God, hey, I missed you. And then I write like a whole. I help her. And then I write like a whole essay of how I feel, how much I miss her. And then again, like, she goes to me, I don't hear from her.
And then again, when she randomly reaches out, I'm like like a kid in a candy store. I get so excited to hear from her. And it wasn't until me right now doing this research about friendships, I was like, holy shit. I'm going through a French breakup. Without even realizing like this girl. I think we are closer than we really are, and whatever chapter she started in her life, she just forgot about me and. Holy shit, I think I'm going to cry.
That's so crazy. So this is what I mean, how crazy it is. I didn't even realize. I was sad about it until now, and I think I think it's because. There's no closure like we've talked about with the toxic friend, you know, they're bad you, but what about a friend that was always good for you and you were there for you through, you know, hard times and now they're gone. It's hard to accept it.
I'm crying and talking about it, but. I think after I cried about it, even though I'm tearing up about it right now because I'm just sad to think about it, you have to be OK with letting them go. Like now that I understand that I'm actually going through a French breakup because there was no closure. So I didn't fucking realize it because no one told me. Now that I know that I've been giving more to this friendship than she has.
I am going to take a step back what I do first I said my peace and let her know. I don't like how this is making me feel, I feel like this is so one sided, what happened? Did she respond? No, she doesn't have time. She's so busy with her new life. Do I believe in my heart that eventually she'll come around? Yeah, but do I think. For I don't know, I can't give you an advice on what you should do when something like that comes around, the already hurt you, I think maybe take it slow.
Don't jump into friendship, make make boundaries and expectations. So you're aware of where this friendship is going to go so it doesn't happen again?
I guess I was giving advice, but for me personally, for me to get teary eyed even right now to discuss it, that means our friendship meant a lot to me. So do I think I would be able. To forgive, yes, but would I be able to forget how it's made me feel during a moments like this this year where I needed my friend to be around and she completely forgot about me? No. Were we will we ever be the same?
No, because she got used to being not being around me. And I'm going to have to get used to her not being in my life. Fuck, man, I just went through all the feels it hurts so bad when you have no closure with a friend. I get that now. I, I, I understand. Yeah, look, if I can get through, you can do it, too. You just have to accept the fact that they've moved on and you have to move on to doesn't mean it doesn't mean you're not good enough for them because you're going to know for yourself.
Because right now, I might like, for example, my life, my other friends, even my new friends have been there for me and she hasn't, so. I have to I'll always love her, but I have to let go of our good memories and and accept that now I have new friends, so we'll be there for me and who like me, for who I am and will call me and will answer my texts and. You have to be happy for your friend for moving on, which I am.
I'm just. Sad. Anyway. In another episode, I'll answer, I obviously didn't get a chance to get to all the other questions about friendship, break ups and all that, and in another episode, I'll I'll discuss going through a friendship break up with the toxic person, whether it's a negative one that, you know, you have to dump versus the one that just loves you too much. But there's still somehow toxic because you just bring drama, negativity and all that.
Both of those you have to let go. Even the ones that love you a lot. Two different types of toxic friendships. I went through one that I one friend that I still love so much, but we just weren't good for each other while the other friendship, it's toxic because this person is constantly the victim and. This person brings me down, and I don't they don't have good intentions for me, but for some reason something in my heart, I just want to see the best in that person and I keep her around.
So the first person will always be there for me. The second person. Well, let me down and yet both of these people I've had to let go, both of these people turn out to be toxic for me and. Well, not both those people turn out to be toxic for me, and both those people still felt painful. And still still to this day, I've been lingering on those friendships that I know I have to let go. So I'll discuss them and different episode and we'll we'll discuss friendships again, because again, it's just such a broad subject and there's so much to cover.
But I did at least get to share with you my experience of currently going through a friendship breakup without realizing I'm going through it, because, like I said, no closure. No one told me. I apparently I got dumped and I didn't even realize it. But I'm happy I cried in the car. It helped me move my emotions and help me accept what was happening and me tearing up right now is me just missing my good friend. I do miss her and I do love her.
And I do wish she apologized and I do wish she. Yeah, it's fine anyway, guys. That's it for now.
Like I said, the subject is too broad, but hopefully you took some part from from this episode and it helped you a little bit. Make sure to send me more questions about friendships or even your experiences about something that happened with a friend. It to me on Biolab and sent on Instagram or too tired to be crazy. And don't forget to subscribe to my channel and please give me five stars and the nice review. I will love you forever. Yeah.
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Too Tired to Be Crazy new episode every Thursday. Bye, guys.