We're really doing it. Your mom's house podcast, Live and Uncensored, August 14th at five p.m. Pacific on location live dotcom slash your mom's house.
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I am a fucking Juneau's. I recently got something and today it cost skived. What's interesting is that I can watch. It's fantastic to see this. The. Killed it so good, oh, man, the Delta White Mousepad, Kosher Chahal, remixed by John Douglas. Thanks, John. Wow. Really, really enjoyed that, you know, in a good mood to start the show. Me too.
And now that I'm an expert on people on the spectrum from our new spectrum dating show.
Yeah, I think he might be on the spectrum a little bit.
Yeah, I think that's possible. Um, yeah. We'll get into that show. It's absolutely fantastic. The spectrum on Netflix really is a wonderful, wonderful show.
I mean, it's so good. Um, last week it was Indian matchmaking and. Yeah. Which is which is also so good. And now it's autistic people dating. There's nothing better.
It's really it's it's so fascinating. It's actually a fascinating show.
I can't wait. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's open the show and then we can get into all our stuff is so much to talk about. Yeah. So we'll do this the right way.
Here we go. Are we celebrating something special.
What's up with you? Oh, I'm not sure this whole date is a surprise. Wow, how exciting. I remember the last time I was on a date.
Look, I'm sorry, but is it possible to get another server?
Actually, the only server working. Is everything OK? Well, I don't want to be mean, but your scars are kind of hard to look at.
Oh, Randy, don't bring it into focus. Well, welcome.
Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Sikora. Christina, it's. Wolf, I got to tell you, I mean, this this has completely changed my days, my life in the last few days.
So the great Rob Iler, who was who was here just a few weeks ago and a lot of you noted is absolutely already like a Hall of Fame guest.
He we've been in contact with him since texting and we've been exchanging videos and jokes. And he really was such a bully. He both. And Jamie Lynn, obviously, too.
Yeah, of course. My goodness. It was our guests.
So but we've been yeah. We've been texting and. He says, I mean, this sent me down a rabbit hole for not just hours, but days.
Yeah, days of DA Man videos, if you J.R.. Yes.
And May and then you guys are not familiar. This guy has a YouTube channel. And you know what usually strikes you when you land on a channel? You haven't been to his. You see kind of the activity on there. Right. The subscriber base.
And so. I check out just like land on it, and there's over two million subscribers, like, OK, this is like a substantial Yeah. Fan base, that'd be good stuff. Right.
And then you look at the videos, there's a number of videos and all the videos have millions of views.
I mean, some of them have.
Four, five, six, nine, 10 million views, and they're all videos like this, like they like it's very, um, entry level kind of teaching tools like you watch if you like.
Who is this for? Is this for English as a second language? Is this to teach children right from.
Well, it's like kind of like Goofus and Gallant in Highlights magazine. As a child, I don't know if you ever hear that, like very simple morality plays.
I mean, let's take you through this one, understand?
So the one that we played for the opening clip there, there's a man and a woman on a date, and the server has notable scars, burn scars on his face.
And he's just like, hi, can I take your order?
And the man's like, oh, what's wrong with your face? Yeah, OK.
And I'll just take you through it. I'll just take you through it.
Brett, it's fine. Honestly, I get this all the time. You see, I was in a house fire when I was a child, and you can spare us the details. Just bring me a Caesar salad. Oh, sure thing.
I think I'll just start with the soup, please. Perfect. One soup and one salad. I'll be right back. Wow.
Bread is super dish. Yeah, it's such a dick. Yeah. What's he. I don't want to hear the fucking back story on your face. Yeah. Super. OK, I want to know what I'm interested. Of course. Yeah.
Oh yeah. I guess face no wonder he hasn't been on a date in a long time. Who would ever want to be with someone who looks like that. It doesn't matter what's on the outside. My God. What's on the inside. That counts a good one.
I mean the dialogue is ridiculous.
Pretty gay. I know you're saying you really like. We should also point out that there is crazy production value.
I mean, it's well lit, it's well shot. It's you know, they're shooting it in a restaurant. It doesn't it's not like bare bones. No. So he's got a budget, but there's a budget behind it. But they're not spending it on good actors or scripts or.
Yeah, I mean, this is a fully talked it's very clever.
Hey, here's your soup. Oh.
Oh, it's totally OK. Stupefy. What are you doing? That soup is really hot. What are you trying to do, burn her? She ends up looking like you. I didn't see you going there, did you? Oh, no. Poor waiter spilled the soup. The jerk on the date said, you know, you could burn her and look at with your face.
You want to have your face. You know, something that my stepdad would kind of talk like this to people.
So I'm not like, seriously. Heberlig like what? Not to them, but he like this fucking guy. Look at his fucking face. The soup tastes better than this fucking bit like he would say.
Yeah, but that's not say I mean not to his face to face is there's like a one in a million person who does shit like this.
Yeah. You have to be a full suck psychobilly out of your mind.
Like yeah. Yeah. Like well I have to admit as you know, I'm a huge Tyler Perry fan. I love his Madea movies. And those were based on plays that you do, morality, morality plays.
And sometimes the characters are really knows like that, like they'll say shit like, I wish you were never born. You're like, yeah, I should have had, you know, like throw you in the trash.
There's a theatrical element to that. And I mean, he's a far better comedic actor and know the characters are really good.
And that's why I like the stories and I say I love Madea. I think she's really funny. But this is like this. Yeah.
Very poor writing of a character development. Let's see where it goes. It's really interesting to see where it goes.
Hey, it's OK. It was an accident and there is nothing wrong with the way that you look.
I mean, why are you being nice to this man after what he just said?
Yeah, I am not going to sit here and let you treat him this way anymore.
Yeah, well, it's not my fault he looks the way he does.
Oh, my God.
Looks like we aren't aren't soap operas. Kind of, yes. Yes. But they're also way better than this. I know. I mean, I haven't spent a lot of time watching them, but this is like it's so that's what I'm saying.
Like are you teaching people who just arrived on Earth what human emotions are?
I mean, is this because the Pentagon said that there are real UFOs and got to teach the aliens how humans interact?
Because it's I mean, it's so direct and so over the top with it.
If you're going to treat him this way, then you should probably treat me the same way. What are you talking about? Oh, why would I do that? Because.
Oh, suck my tits. I also have burns. Right. And I know how it feels to be treated this way. I didn't see that coming either. I'm hooked. Yeah, this is great.
That's a great story.
When I was really young, my house caught on fire. I don't remember much. All I know is that I barely survived. I ended up in the hospital with bandages all over my body. No know, when the nurse finally took them off, it turned out half of my body was covered in burns.
The fire burned me bad.
OK, I mean, really laying it out for people. You could say something to someone and not know that they've also lived a difficult life. Like, what the fuck is happening? Did you know I learned this on Dr. Drew show that Matt back in the day when they give people IQ tests, there's categories like idiot and imbecile. Yeah.
And I'm thinking maybe these videos, certain demographic up, trying to appeal to the there's something for everybody. That's where those terms come from. They were all medical and moron two and. And retarded. Yes. Yeah. To be mongoloid moron. Those were that's what they would say to people like you would. Yes. Doctor would be like, well your son's a moron. Yeah.
And then you go to a clinical term for what level of intelligence.
Yeah. So you're thinking that these are targeting. Yeah.
Yeah. It's in the view count is insane right now. Like but look at the. All right. Well here let's keep going. Thank you. Not done yet. Sure. Do you know what burned me the most was literally it was how other people would stop and stare at those fucking bits.
You laugh because your arm and pointed me like I was some sort of monster. I have spent much of my life. Crying because of how people treated me. I won't let you treat Sam that same way.
Oh, and he likes that. But would she bang Sam? That's the real question. What if he's like, there's no burn marks on my dick?
That's what I'm saying. Like, do you think they could hook up? Please tell me they hook up at the end of you go.
I had no idea. I still really want to be your boyfriend, so I don't think things will work out for me to get out.
What now? Eileen, please. Come on. Don't do this. I've already made up my mind.
Good girl. Get out there.
And Sam, I'm really sorry for the way that British treated you. Thanks, Eileen. If you're ever interested, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend.
I really love to go out and meet. Oh. I mean, I feel like if you turn this in, like in even in high school, you like that your teacher would be like, OK, but this is I mean, are you fucking stupid or something like what is up with the dialogue and your dumb juvenile message?
Like, I know it's it's a bit let's go into who's making this guy. What's up at elementary. Yes. Yeah. Dar es Salaam. What's his name. Da man.
Da can you find that the view count on the burned video. What's one of the more recent ones.
I think one point six million, that video that we just played for you that came out six days ago.
Oh my God.
OK, who's watching this? Do you think it's for, like, kids or hey, da man fan? I hope you love that message. Please remember, we're not just telling stories or changing lives, and when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives, too. I appreciate you. And I'll see you in the next video.
I don't know, Dad. That's how every video ends. Every video ends with him going, Hey, Darren Vann, I hope you like that video and the message. And remember, when you share my video, you're just sharing it. We're changing lives.
OK, what? I don't know. I don't understand how it's happened.
Change in DA Man's life. He's making a fortune. I don't understand it. It all goes dickered dump's broke boyfriend.
They all have like the most like basic message was like, yeah, it's like don't like it'll be like homeless lady, um is insulted and then the person regrets it. Yeah.
It's like and then like, like that homeless man she's trying to collect bottles, you know, to uh to pay, you know, to, to live in plastic bottles in this guy. She's like, can I have that bottle in.
This kid's like, oh you're gross, you're so homeless and you smell like shit. And then she's like, well, can you can I have that bisley's and get it yourself and throws it back.
And then he gets in the car with his mom and his mom's like, what was that all about? He's like this fucking disgusting homeless lady was trying to like, touch me and she smelled. And then the ladies, like, I got to tell you something. And he's like, what? She goes, We were homeless once.
And like, he doesn't remember. And he's like, Oh, I feel so bad now. And he gets out of the car and he fucks the homeless lady.
He does not like it.
And someone has sex at the end of every way, every video they end up fucking. Can I tell you, I, I secretly enjoy these ringleader's. I'm really going to share with you right now.
OK, there's a guy on Instagram who I follow.
His name is Jay Chetty s h t y. Yeah I know who that is. Yeah I actually know.
Yes I know. Yeah.
A mutual friend in his videos are morality lessons. Yeah. Or like self-esteem lessons.
I just feel like this is such and this one's own a little more.
I like those guys. He's, he's a little more sophisticated. Right.
Definitely. Um but yeah I like them like oh watch them on the toilet. And that was a good one.
OK dude these dark ones are tocks locked and ready to roll.
I mean DA is different. Jay is like he really does try to help.
Well I guess this guy Driesell I've seen a bad dad. This is a fun one.
No, whoa, whoa, whoa ho. Why are you inside of the house with shoes on. Oh sorry Dad. You know the rules. Take them off right now, OK?
I'm taking them off.
It's like you don't think, oh, well, that's great. You're always making a mess. Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Just can't do anything right, can you. Oh I see.
And D and you're failing math. I can't believe this. I'm so sorry Dad. You know what. Head upstairs because you're grounded. What. No, Dad, please. I don't want to be grounded again. See, this is what I get for not yelling anymore.
Right now I'm headed to friend's house when I get back home. A deal with this.
OK, well, that's the way most dads thing, because, like, even when you I mean, you you better if I yell at you more.
Yeah. Because I, I've had shitty parents and they don't that that was light. Like that's not even really what they do. They'll be like what is going on.
You're so fucking stupid. You know, they, they, they lean into a little harder. Yeah. I would like to see more realism if we're going to do this.
Well, watch how he deals with Frank is his friend, who also is a dad and also has a boy.
OK, but the lesson here is how Frank is different than bad dad. Oh, no.
OK, let me see. Frank Lantz. What's up, man? How are you? You can be better. My kid's driving me crazy.
I'm sorry to hear that. It. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're going so fast. Just go get some juice. Say, OK, we'll take it slow. Remember, it's dad's creepy what I tell you about shoes in the house.
Oh, creepy. Sorry Dad. I forgot. That's OK. That's why I'm here to help you remember.
Oh, enlightened, creepy dad. That's OK.
So let's see what we showed you there is that there's violent dad and then passive dad.
Same scenario, but they'll do it differently. New as the viewer will decide which is.
The better way to behave, this is like some, like, government intervention shit, this feels like, yeah, programming people like make sure you treat your child this way, don't hurt people.
Watch you being a little soft on him and you yell at them to say, rough them up. How kids learn. Yeah.
Don't mean to yell at them when they forget something. Yeah, that's my parents.
You got this all wrong. Yeah. Oh, let me go.
Don't fucking do it. Oh, poor kid. Oh, fucking dummy. Give me a second. Are you serious? Stupid. I mean, he made the mess. Make him clean. Yeah. Posi dad. He's not going to remember if you don't yell at him.
Says you got it. It's the dialogue means a punch up is what they call it.
The first I really got to teach you how to parent. Look man, if you're not harder on your kid, he's not going to turn out right. You have to punch him. His report card came today. Straight A's.
Oh, what? What? Straight A's. I'm so hard on my kid and he's practically failing all of his classes. I have a lesson. We are almost understanding the full lesson now.
Wait, what's that, Tom?
I'm not sure I understand abusive dad has a child full of anxiety who's not performing well, but friendly, encouraging dad.
His son has straight A's. What do you think is better?
Hmm? You know what I've got to do if I just learned the lesson, bro, go back to my house and not fuck this kid up.
Oh, Dad, I'm really sorry about the grades.
Oh, I promise I'll do better. OK, I'm the one who should be sorry. Oh, please. I just realized that you needed somebody to help you. Oh boy. It's a little too bad. What do you think? You can forgive me. OK, I forgive you. I was easy. Some wait.
He was like, you know what, Dad? You're Mexican. I get it.
Your dad probably beat the fuck out of you. Yeah, and you're just passing it on. Yeah, I get it that. Well, do you realize that his dad had a life changing epiphany that usually takes, like, so much internal work to have? Like, oh, yeah. That that one in his dad's realization came like that.
Yeah, he completely changed.
How about the don't be gay dad.
That's my favorite. But he doesn't come out and say it enough. I know, but it's very implied.
Yeah, it's very important. He's like, oh, you're fucking gay. God damn it. Oh, Jesus, stupid kid. Oh, guess I'm reading a magazine, a girl milk put it away in the world.
Do you just read? And that's not a sports magazine. Oh, God, it's nothing.
Anyways, anyways, anyway. Is that all basketball used to play. Yeah. If it wasn't for my energy I would have made it all the way to what I got you to carry on my dream for me.
The fucking rec league that would have made it all the way fucking five foot eight fat dad. I would have made it all the way if it wasn't for my injury.
Katrina, this came for you live clown makeup was the makeup, but I didn't order this.
And her gay son.
You see that? Let me see that daughter makeup. Now that it's nothing. I just saw some YouTube talking about LifeGem, so I thought I tried. And you want to try and make up for.
Yeah. You sent my son. My daughter. Oh my.
I not see you around makeable, can you hear me? You hear me? Yeah. God, things just got real, did a lot. I actually did do a lot of acting. Yeah. It's OK, your secret's safe with me. Do you even know how to use those? Well, I've been watching some YouTube videos. There's a lot of stuff and I really want to become a big YouTube for one day. And I want to do makeup tutorials.
It's my dream. Oh, that would kill me. It doesn't matter what dad thinks. Yeah. You can't live your life going after someone else's dream. Yeah. You have to follow your own dreams, even though dad might murder you.
Hey, son, I was thinking why don't we shoot hoops like old times? What do you think? Maybe later.
Why not? Well, why are you wearing that hoodie in the house ticket thing?
Oh, you're wearing makeup. I can't believe this so bad, the dialogue needs missile. I have my views on this. Have, you know. Um, hold on, let me check. This is really good, though. Yeah, and when the sun noticed, sneak around like he's wearing makeup. Why would he come in in full makeup? He knows his dad is going to beat the shit out of him.
Yeah, just hit videos. There on the thing and scroll down, you'll find it. There it is, right, one point eight million views and it's two weeks old two weeks ago. That is crazy.
I got to tell you something, I've already made up my mind. We're going to make a few of these. Oh, yeah, what kind of lessons do you want to teach? Uh, I got a couple in mind. I don't want to give it away now, but there's some lessons I'd like to teach. Yeah, because this is just I mean, I can't explain yourselves.
Please. I know this isn't what you want. I'm sorry, but I can't keep living my life like this. Trying to follow your dreams. I have to follow my own dreams. And my dream is to become a makeup artist. I didn't raise you to be a makeup artist, to be a real man. Yeah.
This son moved out of his father's house and started practicing makeup. Before long, he started getting really good at it. Meanwhile, the dad refused to talk to his son.
If the son wasn't going to play basketball, then the dad wanted nothing to do with him. The son started filming YouTube videos on makeup and started getting really popular. He followed his dream and couldn't be happier. A couple years passed and the father started really missing his son. But his pride always stopped him from calling until one day his daughter taught him a valuable lesson.
What's the lesson, Dad?
What's the lesson? Why don't you just reach out to him? I just wanted him to be successful at going around doing makeup and having not been keeping up with him. What do you mean? He's one of the most successful makeup artists in the world after two years. Check it out. Stop signs are a cover of a magazine. Yeah. Because that's how you win your parents love, right? But actually, I think there's another lesson here is that by being an unsupportive dad, that's kind of a piece of shit.
Yeah, your son fought harder. Yeah, that's true.
Became very successful. It's kind of true. So the end of this video, he should be like by not loving him, he's a huge success. You know, it's true. It's absolutely it happens all the time.
I know it happens all the time. Oh, come in.
Oh, that looks exactly the same to you.
It's been a while. Yeah, it's been a few years. So I thought I'd come and see.
Do you think you can ever forgive me cause I missed you so much. Do you think you're going to get all these calls come at the same time they come hug?
Oh, I like how he just holds up the magazine come to him.
Yeah, it's hard to watch you. These are like.
So but here's the thing. The challenge will be to make something this bad. I know.
Like, normally, you know, you just try like it's I think it's harder to make something shitty. Yeah. This terrible.
Because in acting I mean it's true because because this is sincere. The thing is it look insincere when we're going to try it. That's the whole thing is that this is so sincerely terrible. Yeah. Like whoever writes these scripts, you're writing them, it's actually like you're writing them.
I think you should try to write it for a kindergartener, you know, like a second grader, like be like, you know, let's think about the lesson and then like, say things super super base level.
This is going to sound terrible, but I always say terrible things. It's kind of like like my foreign mom wrote these, you know. I mean, like it's this guy Darussalam. Is he da man, da man?
Is he like is he first generation? I don't know, like might be written in a second language and I'm saying like English might not be his, but is that what they're targeting here.
That's what I'm trying to figure out. Why so high. I'm da I'm an entrepreneur. Filmmaker on a mission to change lives through inspirational storytelling.
Video content I create has resonated with so many, so many that twenty one million people follow me on social media are part of my Dauman film, my team and I at the door.
Man studios have created hundreds of videos about life, business relationships that have been viewed over what does this say, eight billion times?
A billion? Drawing from my own personal experiences of success and failure, I create powerful messages that resonate with global audiences. My mission is creating content is simple. We're not just telling stories, we're changing lives.
It sure is simple videos. Every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, Yeezus, it is really pumping it out.
But can I tell you what the allure might be? Is that this is not how it actually works in real life, like when you have a parent that disapproves of you and then you get successful doing the thing they didn't want you to do. Like, it doesn't necessarily happen like that. Like, one, does the parent change in their 60s. And they're like, you're right, I'm a piece of shit. This is our new mission.
This is a fantasy is what I'm trying to say.
Six of these. But but shit doesn't work this way, you know. I know. I know. Well, they're taking it. What should be a complicated, you know, um.
Kind of evolution of a human being and boiling it down to a simple message, so I get it in a way, I'm just I'm blown away that that it's resonating with that many people that, you know, I mean, like, I could see this having like 7000 views.
I mean, like. Oh, yeah. But the fact that some of these attacks but doesn't it fall in line with people wanting a simple answer to life's complicated gray areas like this is a complicated issue. I'm gay. I like my gut. My dad wants me to be a basketball player, will disapprove of me if I follow my dreams. Just follow your dreams. Like, OK, it's not that simple. You're going to lose your dad's love.
It's kind of Seida man fan. I hope you love that message. Please remember, we're not just telling stories or changing lives. And when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives, too. I appreciate you. And I'll see you in the next video.
See what he talks like these scripts like. Yes. And he writes this. He must write. He does.
He does. Because he talks as simply as these scripts are like, thanks da man fan there. It's there.
What talks like he's talked to. This is really something it's upsetting isn't it. Yeah I worry. Whoof. Yeah. This is oh.
Oh. So there's big news, there's a lot of things going on. Um one is that I'm sure you guys have heard by now Joe Rogan is moving to Texas.
I know he'll be there pretty soon. Um, I spoke to him the other day and uh yeah he's gone but Diaz is moving out of here now.
There's this exodus now from L.A. I'll tell you something I cannot tell you.
Uh, I can't confirm for you who because it's not public yet. I know two other people that are leaving and I know three more that are considering moving. So that would make it one, two, three, four, five, six, seven people total that are like significant players in our world here in the comedy, um, world and from Los Angeles. And so that's a lot of people, you know, it's a lot like it's changing kind of the DNA.
The blueprint of of L.A. is, I don't know, comedy scene podcasting.
Listen, I think these guys are all going to come back once the Comedy Store is open. Do you think so?
Yes. Keep these fools out of the store. You'll be back.
Joe Rogan, what's that? Comedy store is open because they love it. And I'm going to miss seeing Joey Diaz and Rockin Around. It breaks my heart. I disagree. I think they're gone. No, they will be back. I don't think so. I think they'll visit.
But they're not moving back. They're not moving back.
You don't move like that and then be like I'm you think where do you think Rogan's going to go? You know what a maniac. He does his podcast and then he loves to go to the Comedy Store, but he's going to go to another comedy place.
I know, but it's not the same. It's not the same. But I saw it. I know. But it's gone, is it? I'm not saying he's not going to miss it. He's not coming back that.
All right. We'll put a bet on it. Why would he come back?
I miss the store. I'm moving back. Yeah. Now he misses me then.
You OK? No. Well, no.
It actually brings about, you know, because we like if you check out my Twitter feed from November last year, I did a thing where I was like, hey, I'm looking at Austin. You remember that? Yeah. And I did like forty of you because people started interacting with me about where to check out, like, you know, Austin places condos.
And I was looking at houses because I actually wanted to get a place as an investment, but also a place where I liked going to spending time, you know, so, yeah, it kind of like got it going again, like the idea of us moving, you know.
Yeah. I mean, now that so many of our peers are leaving, it's like, well what is it then to stay here and then. Yeah. And then I started thinking about but like where because I wouldn't necessarily move to Austin but I'm not opposed to moving. Right.
You know, I mean, look, I am because as you know me, I'm a hardcore Angeleno and anywhere outside of L.A., it's just not L.A. as far as I'm concerned. You've made that clear right there. But Map of the World is there's L.A. and then who cares? But I will do this for you because I love you and I want you to be happy. Thank you. So I I've I think a few things is what I would be willing to do.
I like I was thinking like since everywhere is dog shit to me, but L.A., I'm like, why don't we move somewhere like short pump in Virginia, Virginia, it's a little dump town. And we could be like the richest bad ass people of, like, short pump, you know, because it doesn't fucking matter to me where we live. We may as well go big. I feel like you are literally doing a Dauman video to my brother.
And I don't I think I'm autistic.
I think after watching that show that I need to get tested because I'm not I don't know what's going on in my brain.
I have no filter. And that's the sign of autism.
So here's the places I would consider moving. OK, go. I would consider moving to the state of Colorado. I like Colorado. Where?
Denver. I love Denver. I love that. I also love Boulder. And I you know, the surrounding area.
I don't like the altitude in Denver. I oh yeah, I like that. I don't like it. It's different. It makes you feel weird.
Pop a fucking Advil, drink some water and you can't we can't make fitness.
It takes a while to get used to.
You adjust pretty quickly. You adjust pretty quickly. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Jeez you're really aggressive. So that's one so cranky. And I even milked his pipes and I feel I feel good and he's I feel I'm happy.
I, um. The state of Washington is one that I like. Yeah. Because I just. I like that clouds. I like it. I like it. I like bordering Canadia. I like it. Yeah I like that you know.
But I love Toronto because I'm Canadian citizenship. Why don't we go to Canada.
Moving countries though feels like a real you know.
But once this global warming shit hits the fan, I think you'll be OK in Canada. We'll also meet Raddle, I like meat rattle Denver, sure. Now, Florida, your family. I do have. So that's always a consideration, having family. I like Florida. Yeah, yeah. It's like California, but crazier. It's way crazier. Yeah.
Like off the rails. And, you know, I like I like those crazy places.
Yeah. Miami too much. Yeah. It's too crazy. Little further. What's the short pump of Florida.
The whole states. A short the panhandle.
The Panhandle. That is the. I don't want about that. The Panhandle to drag. No I'd want to, I'd want to move like somewhat familiar area, you know.
OK, how about this though.
I don't like snow. Can we avoid snow. OK, yeah. So what is that. That's well you just you eliminated Denver, but Denver snow is like warm.
Yeah. It's you don't have it's not like a brutal climate. You know, they have the forces like they go, you know, you get a summer or spring.
See, I'm surprised Rogan didn't go for Denver. You know, he loves it there and he loves the clubs. And he did it, though.
He did Boulder for about almost a year. And she was pregnant during, um, I think it was their eldest, you know. And I remember she got like they lived on I went to the house. They lived on a on a mountain. Yeah. And then she, like, slid on the ice, you know, but that's just living on a mountain.
You don't live on a mountain. Yeah.
Um, I mean, I like Texas too. Texas is crazy. It's a crazy state. I know. Sorry. I take it back. It's totally insane.
But Austin doing is insane. Austin is a pretty dope town. I like Austin humidity in the summertime. We can handle that. Yeah, I've done it and it doesn't snow there. Right. Know. And also there's snow in town but it gets cold.
It'll get cold in the winter. OK, Alabama. No Alabama. I just threw it out there. OK, south.
How would you feel about the south. I told you I would I would do the Texas thing, Florida, Colorado, Washington, OK, I think that's it.
Besides, California's the only places I would live near, like my short pump idea.
I don't like your sort of idea. There's a Hobby Lobby there.
It's DA man will hear this and be like, I'm going to make a script about that.
You're going to go, oh, this is a gross place with gross people.
And then someone I know I was born here. Oh I know.
I think I am an ADR man video. I don't think I, I sound a lot like those people actually. Dude, it's a problem for me. So anyways, so you really see you think Denver, Washington.
So let's just say Denver, Seattle, Austin, Austin, East Coast, Florida.
That's I have no family except in Florida. Your family. Right. For I think I'd have to take Florida, really. I like Florida. I've spent a lot of time there doing stand up. There's a lot of comedy clubs. Yeah. In Florida.
And the best part, new staff you have what?
New staff, if we move, yeah, there's tons of Jews in Florida, you know, there's not like a lack of nerds on the East Coast.
Oh, hey, um, you look different. You got a haircut.
Yeah, looks good. Yeah, I did this for you guys. Really? Really. You don't remember you asking me to to get. Oh, that's right.
Oh. As punishment. That's right. It looks good man. Yeah. I like you forgot the the. I did but it looks really good. It looks good. I like it. Yeah. Do you like it.
I mean I would have liked it better if if it has landed a little better if you guys remember and you guys were happy to see it and I think it looks great.
I think you look great. Mean I think the hair that is left, it looks very soft. It does. It does. It looks like Betsey's hair a little bit, doesn't it?
It probably feels a little bit better than Betsey's here. I think I watch it a little more often. That's probably true. I know you like it when you look.
You can track that for a while. I mean, I was going to get a haircut later on today, but if you guys like it, I could keep it around. How do you feel with it? I'm not going to lie. This breeze is something else.
It feels good. It feels great.
I forgot how much it how annoying hair is on top of your head. Yeah. Yeah.
It really traps a lot of heat in. And I'll tell you what, but like here's the thing though, is that I don't know if I'll ever get used to catching my reflection.
You will. Just takes a few months.
Well, I did. I didn't realize how long how often I catch my reflection because you just do it and you move on.
But I've been startled every time I've caught my reflection.
I get to get used to it 30 times where I'm just like, holy shit, how's your paying back your your debts going? Well, nope.
Well, you know what's good about Florida? Plenty of gambling. Yeah. There's gambling there. You know, no state income tax. Yeah.
Yeah. Well I mean hypnotics gambling spend. Vietnamese gambling, I hope he's not dead yet, is gambling, I just saw him lose. You owe me a lot of goddamn money, your motherfucking show. Oh, gosh, wow, grass kingdom killing it again, it kills you. Yeah, it's good.
Or clip's me, you know, we don't know what happens. Maybe it crabs get shot. Thank you. Grass kingdoms. That was really fantastic. Scary time to be alive right now. Well, good. Hope you don't die.
We have. We decided on Florida. I don't know. Let's talk about it. I mean, we can talk about it more after, you know, OK, but I mean, I'm up for it. I'm like for the adventure.
I'm a beach dog, you know, I cannot be with, you know, every few years.
Feels I like the moving thing, you know. All right.
Um. Hmm. Can we please talk about the autistic dating show? Yes, love on the spectrum, patiently waiting. So fantastic. And I'm proud of you. You found this one? Yeah, I found it. And I got to tell you, I was I've been surprised at how fascinating, heartwarming and adorable this thing. This show has shaken the ice from my cold veins.
Like I'm I'm back to like, thank you, Patty. Yeah.
The people in it, you know, that they address how, like autism shows itself in different like never the same way, kind of twice, you know. Right. And then it's called a spectrum. Right. So it's like there's full and different girls.
It's harder to diagnose because harder to diagnose. But every single a couple of things, everybody is like so genuine and severe. And everyone when they're like, hey, why do you want? Because what's happening is that these are people typically in their 20s, early to early to late 20s, most most of them who have never dated, never been in a relationship. And they're like, what are you looking for? And they're all like, I'd love to just to be in love with someone.
And it's so sincere.
It's so genuine. And they're like, I don't know, there's just so many wonderful personalities.
And then each of them has, you know, like these really fascinating quirks. And some of them have such an amazing vocabulary, like command of language where I'm like, this person is like a broadcaster. Yeah. Some of them are very yes.
Very witty and clever. And then some of them have these other just, you know, artistic skills like one of the kids, Kelvin, as an artist, you see what he's drawing.
You're like, holy shit that because they're able to focus at really high, intense levels that we're not. And they come up with great stuff if they're not just.
And then that kid in video games, Michael said he's my favorite. I love Michael.
I was fascinating. He is so sweet. He's just he's my guy. But the square above him with the boy and the girl. Yeah. Yeah.
So that kid can do a Rubik's Cube in like ten seconds. I know.
But all he's done. I know.
And it makes you realize in the eighties when those kids were solving the Rubik's Cube, like they would have contests, they were likely on the spectrum and we weren't even talking about it. Nobody even knew.
But it's also the other like I love that their conversations. Yeah. On dates are basically the thoughts everyone's having. Yeah. Minus how we dress it up with this bullshit and clutter. Yeah. This is all to the point. Yes.
It's how I aspire to communicate. Yeah.
And that's, it's like what do you like. What are you into. Yeah. Oh I don't like that.
I like to tell you like right away. I know and I love how they'll be like his likes all dogs eating kibble. Yeah.
The sound of you know nails like food and yeah.
Like sandals. I don't like flip flops between my toes and you're like yeah I don't like that stuff either. That's the kind of stuff that matters in life. It is those minutia.
Little things. Yeah. There you. I know it really is. I'm telling you it is a great show.
You know what I like is that they call it Asperger's. Oh yeah.
As I say, Asperger's sounds so gross and they're like I was diagnosed with Asperger's.
I suppose I like Asperger's better than Asperger. Yeah, Asperger. And you know, what I love, too, is that first of all, I love watching you watch a dating show.
I think it's more about when you softening. Like you said, you get to see how you're sitting right now.
You're happy even just talking. I am. I really like it.
And I will lay next to each other in the bed and I'll watch Tom. And if he enjoys the couple, he's watching his hands go together and your hands go on your chest.
And there's a smile on your face in that I like watching couples interact. It's it's like, yeah, it's an extension of people watching. Like, I love going to a park and just watching people. Yeah, but when you watch one of these shows, by the way, do you know what love on the spectrum and Indian matchmaking both have? That is that is actually really interesting.
I thought about they are true reality shows in what reality shows aspire to be. Yes. In that they're not produced like when you watch The Bachelor or like some housewives.
Yet all that is not it's not a reality. It's it's it's become reality TV because it's that genre. But what happens is those are all manufactured. A producer is feeding content. The story editor is saying, you know, it makes more sense if we cut it like this to basically manufacture a fight or some problem. And so you're seeing something that's being drawn up that isn't there. This show, they're really like, yeah, they're interviewing people. And then they're like, go on the date and you're watching them go on the date.
There's no like, it's not it's not made up and it's not enough. And the dating shows that are reality show, they're done to either create conflict like they want it to go poorly or they want it to just be like a sex fest, you know?
Yeah, but what was that show? Was it a date when they would take like five people and five people in a van and just load them up with booze?
Yeah, yeah, they do. I don't know. I don't want that. Like these shows.
What love are both like, they're they're not done to show you something that isn't there. So, yeah. Even like you get excited, oh, this guy is going to go on a date, then he gets the email like we're not going to go on a date and you just get like the it's it's nice.
And it's not heightened though to be like, oh my God, that's how they would play it.
That's because this is a foreign this is Australian. Yeah. And I think that's why two Americans need that. Like then they repeat everything in the American.
It's like Jesus. But anyway, I was still I didn't finish. My thought is that I know when you're happy, when you like the people who clasp your hands and you give it a thank you, Patty.
Patty being Patty Stanger of the Millionaire Matchmaker when she makes a good match, Tom likes that. And then when you don't like what you're seeing, I know this because the finger goes in the mouth.
Yeah. And yes, I turn to I don't like that. And I can tell you're very upset. Now, I was going to say to what I love about the autistic show is that the men all fall in love with the girls their first date.
They're like, I think I want her to be my wife forever. And she's like, oh, no, I don't like him. It's just so cute.
He's cute because all the guys are like, I just I want to be a I just want love. And there's like that kid Michael is so adorable. He says, I only point he's about to go on his first date. He's like, I I'm a I'm a I'm a great catch and wonderful. And his parents are like, yeah. And he goes, I'm so looking forward. I'm going to be the kind of guy that after I passed and they're like pass.
He's like people are going to say, you know, nothing made him happier than being a husband.
His the way he thinks. Oh, I know.
It's really that's why I want to date Michael, you know, like he really Michael wonderful his wife and really, really wants to be nice to his wife and cherish her. Do you know what I mean. Sure. The kind of guy that really loves his wife. Got it. Here's a clip from the show.
Come on, Mark, don't be stupid, but hold on before we get into that guy. Stop. You know what I really like too big a load.
I, I yeah.
I'm so sick of that, and you know what sucks is we're watching our Indian matchmaker show and then Tom goes, can we pause for a minute? And it's in a nice moment.
And he's like, I got to watch Ed Asner again. Like, you had to stop our good time to ruin my time with that guy because it takes me a full five minutes to I got to tell you something, that video is the best video I've seen in years.
It's not I have not stopped thinking about it so horrible. I would not stop playing it. I'm so happy that we're getting to share it. And it's an automatic Hall of Fame clip. It's really I don't like it at all. That's one of the reasons it's great.
And can I tell you, here's why. And we analyzed why. Yes. Person me beat me when that came out, it was so shocking to us because he was making all if I wanted to stop it. Yes, he was making an insane request. Yeah, but you didn't see him touching his penis like you didn't actually see the guy masturbating.
And like I mean, now when I see R.P.M., baby, I'm kind of like, that's sweet because I know him so well.
But to come out of the gate in the clip like, well, I don't even know the guy.
And he's already like, oh, so many.
Like, here's the thing. I don't like it. It's like Cousin Terry or Uncle Terry. Yeah. Who I love also. I don't know. See you.
Come on. The first clip. You got to court me a little bit. Well yeah but I only. OK, so I showed you the original.
It makes me feel so gross and I like it. Takes me a minute.
You're going to ruin my time before a guest guy.
I laughed so hard like I, I couldn't, I couldn't keep it together.
I was laying in bed shaking. Remember that. I was like I got to go downstairs. Yeah. And I was like laughing so hard. And you were like you're sick person. Yes.
Degenerate where he goes and you're telling people it's Ed Asner, you show friend.
Oh, my people came over and I go, hey, do you know that I was there? He was like, who's that? And I go, No, the the guy that played Santa Claus and Elf. And he was like, I don't think I don't remember that. And I just gave I go, here, watch this. And I watched him. I started laughing. So he was he was I don't wanna watch this.
He he made a phone and you got to you got to watch the end of it, though. He was like, I want to. And I go, it's not what you think. He goes, is he going to come?
And I was like, what, like an. Look at him like I really I don't. Right before you come, yeah, I'll follow if I wanted to. I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and just suck on that and make it nice and red. You remember me after I'm gone. Yeah. Turn over and.
OK, thank you. Your cheeks maybe massage your little hole. You feel just the only man in my life you just did ok.
I got a size. It's it's not it's not that that big. Well the one, the one thing, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is the first time it's it's going to be quick with me because it's been a long time. Yeah.
It's really flattering. But you know, I don't like him, Tom. Why. Because he sounds like he's talking you through an insurance claim. It's not even remotely sexy. Is like.
Yeah, well, what talking to you here if you got a five thousand dollar deductible on a car. And so I totally agree. Yeah.
I think that's one of my favorite parts is that it's like my favorite part is that it seems like this could be in a chat room about like boats with old outboard engines and.
Well it's got it's got two to twenty fives on it and just depends if you're more of a inboard guys might not be for you.
Yeah. It's like, it's like the e.v. my guy. Yes. If he were masturbating. Yes. It's so boring.
But, but I think the boringness is what's creepy and it's bothering me.
It's not resonating because OK, for instance when I say I don't know why he jerk off. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, like I'm happy for him.
He's like, oh yeah, yeah. Like because he's into it performing. It's the uncanny valley. Is that what this is something that doesn't resonate. There's something that doesn't resonate emotionally. Like is is he on the spectrum.
No, no, no, no. It's not.
It's creepy. It's more I think the fact that he's not overtly sexual in nature or in presentation. Yeah. That makes me laugh, you know. I mean.
Yeah, like it's the fact that he's very, um, you know, civilian like like it's very it's it's he's going to molest you.
He's the guy that gives you candy and he's like, no, your parents told me to come get you.
I like you like just going like this and I don't like who is this guy? And you're like, oh, that's the guy that he he works at AutoZone.
You know how he sold you tires last week? Yeah.
OK, you come, you come. Let me see. Let me see how much you count. Let me see, let me see all that. Oh how much how how big a load I'm going to swallow. Oh my God.
I just love upsetting people you know.
Yeah I know. I don't know what it is like. I'm thinking of sending this out to the family. Huh.
Your family. Yeah. No, don't do that.
Why don't do that. You want your mom to see this one. Yeah. You want to show this to her on the live show. Yeah. Yes, seriously, of course. All right, guys. Well, you heard it here, if you want to see Charro get horrified, come watch our live show, the whole idea.
Listen, August 14th at 5:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, tickets are available now on location live dotcom slash your mom's house.
I'm look, I'm so excited to do a live show that is completely uncensored and then have my parents there. It's a it literally is a dream. Only thing better would be if they could sit on the couch here with four. But but I'm so excited for it.
But I yeah. I feel like the idea of. Of having her see this and getting to see her. What if you could see what if you could see Ed Asner do this live for you with his name on the couch? There's no way he would he would come in. Can we find this guy?
I doubt it. Can we zoom?
Do you think we could find this guy and have it be like, come on, Tom, because it was sent in as a video file. So it's like we don't even have the link to where we can find him.
We put those mommies on it. You just put the call out. Come on. We have such as somebody knows this is somebody's dad. All right. So if you guys find them, email your mom's podcast at Gmail dot com with the subject, Ed Asner.
Yeah, we know who he is. Look at those. I, I need it right now. I hate this part. I need it right now.
OK, can you see this. OK, give it to me now. Give it to me. Come on Mark.
Don't be stingy. This. You're going to show us here, mother. What are you going to give her? This one's going to be a big payment, you know that.
She's going to be traumatized, I'm traumatized and I have a pretty high threshold, I'm excited to show it to my dad to be like, Dad, this is this guy kind of reminds me of you, kind of.
Is that why you like it? Maybe that's why maybe that's why I feel like my dad's like you like sweetener or Splenda. All right. Show me those tits.
That's what this is. Yeah, it's kind of it's kind of like that. Yeah.
Yeah. Maybe that's why I'm repulsed by it. And I don't know why you're not. Give it to me, Mark. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh I can feel it. Mm. Oh that's good. Oh that's got to be good. Oh. Oh I hate it. I hate it.
You know what, it's probably because you haven't had a guy come on you yet.
Like you don't know how awful it can be. Yeah.
Like it is like a bad sexual experience experience. This is one and I like to be to have come on you and you're like oh get the fuck off of me.
And I was like, Yeah. You just need him to come on you once and you won't think this is too funny. You know what else, I think I see myself in him a little okeydoke, like I could see myself landing here in 20 years.
OK, you know, I mean, like I mean, it's not the gay part. Not with soldiers like you leave me. Right. And then you leave me. No, Michael, my autistic boyfriend again, I don't know, a hundred pounds or something. And then like, I just joined chat rooms. I'm like, what's your name?
Oh yeah. Some of those tits. Oh yeah. I like that.
I like it a lot. And I stand up so like I could see myself getting that bad.
Sure. And people were like, is that Tom, a standup comedian from 2000s. Yeah. Yeah. I like looks terrible. Twenty. Twenty.
Right, that's right. When the pandemic was really getting bad as last time I saw him, someone telling their kid.
No, he used to. Oh wow. Wow. He's really let himself go.
I'm like show me. Let's touch now. Oh yeah.
Oh yeah. Great. Well you know and I really loved about the Asperger show is the Asperger's show. That is that girl.
She's highly desired in the community. All the boys love her. She doesn't love any of the guys. Yeah. The red haired girl. And she burps on the first date. Yeah.
Burps and farts on the second date and then burps again on the third was three different suitors right back up.
And the burping is charming clearly. Yeah. But the fart at the dinner table, it's a lot.
Now what, what would you have done if I farted on the first date. Do you feel like that's a deal breaker on the first?
I don't think I think the way this the red haired girl was the redhead. I think maybe from her in the front. Yeah, that might be her.
The, um. The way she farted was very forgivable. It was an accident. Yeah, she was talking and I think she laughed or something. And then it wasn't like a she wasn't like, hey, check this out. You know, maybe a little different. So you would forgive it? I think so, yeah. OK, um, real quick.
Real quick, because we got to get ready for our guests to come in here. Is this funny to you?
Fucking fuck. How much you like that again? You're going to love it in my sleep.
Boy, horrible or hilarious?
You ready? Yeah. You tell me what you think. Here we go. OK. Yeah, whoa, did she burn her face off? No. She's fine house crazy. So what's happening there is a woman poured gasoline into her ex's vehicle and then just like lit it right there and it exploded in her face, knocked her down.
She put herself back together, picked up her stuff.
Yeah. So she wasn't hurt. I mean, I don't think it felt good. I think she was scared a little bit.
Well, listen, what do you think he did? OK, we're not looking at what went down because a bitch can light a mansion on fire. Yeah.
Do you know, by the way, a follow up, like, you know who this is or anything like, you know, jail or anything like that?
No, no, no. Well, like I said, I mean, what do you do. Exactly.
Probably did something wrong. Right. How about this one? This was pretty wild.
Well, if he cheated on me, am I and the children, I'd fucking light up your shit to blow up a vehicle. Probably.
I'd be so crazed if you ruined our life together. I don't know what I would do. I'm I'm just being one hundred right now.
Like, I could see it. I could see myself getting crazy like that. But like, thanks, Tom. Yeah, well, that's just truth. It's called love bitch. I love you. OK, how about this one. OK.
I'm not laughing, are you laughing now, down sad. That was just an innocent bystander. He didn't do anything wrong.
No, he didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, he got thrown by that.
So what you're if you're listening, it's a guy who they're all standing in a parking lot and someone's doing doughnuts. And this dude did a doughnut in the in a pickup truck in the back corner of the pickup truck as it's whipping around, hits a bystander and throws him up.
I tell you why it's not funny, though, as opposed to like the Asian car crash, which is funny.
So a you in the Asian car garage, you don't actually see the impact, right?
You just see the face. Right. Right. So here you see the impacts.
You're like, yeah, the body's like laying on the floor and thrown through the air. Yeah. There's no hilarious scream. Yes. You're hilarious. Yeah. Yeah.
The only the only ridiculous like funny thing is that another bystander picks up his hat first.
That's right. The only funny. He's your hat buddy. I got your hat for you bro. Yeah. This dude got thrown by a car. I mean going.
Oh, like he could have completely got your head, you're absolutely catastrophic internal damage.
You don't even know that that maybe he's taking the hat. Oh, yeah. Feeling that it's like maybe like him being thrown hit that maybe that's his own hat.
He was like, shit, man.
Yeah. When you keep coming back, you know, Mr.. Oh, yeah, yeah, dropped out. That's what happened to Larry.
People go, oh, nobody's in a panic. That's the other thing. I think maybe they're so stunned at what they just saw.
Yeah, you're like, what? But I do love it. He cares for his hat and the camera. And then he's like, oh, shit, this camera there.
No, I think that this I mean, this dude could die. Yeah. Yeah. And those hit organ failure. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Rib's broken for sure. By the way, Dr. Drew and I watch the clip of your hilarious Asian moped going up the ramp. Yeah. And Drew's like, that guy's dead. Like, I didn't know he did. Yes, he did. Like I died.
He said that he was like, it's very possible this guy is dead.
He hit his head. He's fine. And he said he got a concussion at the least.
No, he said at the very least. At least.
But I mean, that's not that minor head trauma. Now, at first, the first thing, this is way more trauma. He's dead. This I want to show to Drew you guys for him to confirm what that this guy's in trouble. I'll be like. Do you think this guy got hurt?
You said asparagus.
All right. Go ahead. Uh, do we need to wrap up? Yes, we got a guest coming. OK, OK, wrap it up. We have so much other stuff we can say, so many good things.
We'll be back very shortly.
My mommy look, I don't have a choice. I have to look like this. I don't get to do a man bun. I don't get to part my hair and comb it like a good boy. I don't get to do fades. I just have to buzz my stupid head because I never acted when I could have. Yeah.
If I grow it out, I'll just have a huge hole in the front like a loser.
Does that what you want to look like a dumb dumb like. I don't think so.
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Thanks manscape. We're back. And so is he. For the second time we're super happy to welcome hilarious comedian and podcast or Brian Simpson.
Thank you for coming back. It's good to see you man. It's been with last time I actually saw you was before quarantine, but we've talked a few times and texted a bunch, but it's good. How are you doing, man?
I'm good, man. I mean, I'm as good as I can be, right.
You know, I mean, it's a super chill year, especially for black people. I know how you feel.
Oh, you know, I do. I feel like. I feel like there is a. There is this, like, huge outpouring of love, but that's only because there's this big wave of, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, but but you can't trust Hollywood live right now.
Like motherfuckers like, you know how, you know, all them white actors that quit their voice.
Yeah. I got to audition for all those things. Yeah.
Well yeah. But the problem is, is like, you know, it's like I can't sound like Cleveland because Cleveland don't sound like black people. Right. He sounds like a white person. Sounding like a black person. Yep. Which is like I can't I mean I'm sure there's a black person out there that can they can do it.
Right. Right. And I'm sure every black person in Hollywood has got that audition to.
That's so interesting. I've never heard it framed that way. That that he does like that would be an actual harder voice to do because it's not an authentic voice. Exactly. Yeah. That's so interesting. So who knows.
Who knows. I was going to turn out but but yeah. They're really looking for black stuff.
Yeah. That's kind of great though, right. It is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well Jane, I mean, I mean you're in fashion now. It's what happened to female comedians. They didn't want to hear shit from me for like a decade or so and now they want to hear from you. So it's your time of joy.
And it's like a like I mean socially, though, like the last I don't know, whatever 20 years, it's like it's got. Does it feel like validation, you know, I mean, just to be black in America and see the. Yeah.
I mean, like the wave or especially in comedy because you know, like my comedy touches on a lot of like social stuff. Sure. And for the longest time it's like if you don't want people don't want to hear that. And yeah. And then when I had my late night debut, like, I kind of did that and people like, you know, that was a great debut.
But now it's like it's also relevant and people are like, oh, we make comments like I've been talking about this and I have to change.
And I think that's actually great, though. I think when when things do resume, it's going to be gas like, you know, I mean, like foot on the pedal shit for people are going to be wanting that more.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. The metal. Absolutely.
Have you done any, any shows or not stand. I did.
So I stopped and I went by show to say hi. I saw like some friends of mine went on it's like outdoor show.
And I stopped by to say hi and Taylor. You know Taylor. Thomas.
Yeah, sure. So she stopped by to say hi to her.
And I got popped in on the show, you know, and I'm like, oh, I can't resist that. But doing it just one time is worse.
Yeah. So I you know, I was like, I just want it now.
I've made up my mind, like, I'm just going to stay away from it until it's back. Until his back back, you know. What was it like a parking lot kind of thing or. It was yeah.
I think, I think it was a parking lot but it was like, you know, it was social distance and mask on, but it was just it's just getting because comedy is a process. It's not like it's like going to the gym. You can't just go to the gym one time and go, yeah, you know, it's like you didn't do anything is to get to try the jokes.
I've been writing down all this all the time to try and one time sucks and then not be able to follow up.
Yeah, it's like such I feel very stagnant as far as like, you know, writing like stand up writing. Yeah. Yeah.
Because you go like what is even I mean there's, there's been moments in and days where you feel inspired when I write things down like this would be fun to try but then you go I'm not trying it any time soon. Yeah.
So I don't like, I don't keep going, I don't go back to it and then normally you get to try it when you know when it's fresh. Yes. It's going to be weird to go back and try some. I wrote down. Yeah.
When you go up there you guys remember the protests like yeah of course. But it's like it was yesterday. This will feel better.
I know it's it's going to be well in the last thirty comics you saw didn't didn't address it. Yeah.
Of course that's that's the I almost the bigger thing is like everybody will be like, all right, I have a take you know, or a joke or an angle and you go to like the O or something and you're going to see like everyone's going to have a joke about. You know, I haven't been able to go to the store either they like their opening, but but they're doing just like just the bars. All right. So just going there with no comedy, just I feel like it would fuck me up, man.
It's depressing. It's like I feel like doing things that are comedy, like like doing a show. It's like it's like masturbating without ejaculating or something.
Right. It's like a half.
Why don't ejaculate. But, you know, it's like not it's not a complete thing.
Yeah. Even seeing you, I'm glad you're here. And I'm it's like I feel familiarity. I'm so happy you're here. But part of me now gets sad because I know that you and I aren't going to be like, OK, I'm going to go to my spot. I'll see you in a minute.
You know, what I have learned from this thing, though, is so you remember when when it first started and it was very, very scary. Yeah. And, you know, maybe we went to three months without leaving my house, only seeing my roommates. And and I was thinking, oh, you know, anybody will do just if I could just see anybody. Yeah. That but that's not true.
You know what I mean?
It's like what I've noticed, like you've been away because we're spoiled as comics. I mean, you talk text about this. We we get this high level intellectual stimulation, like regularly and we're constantly around it. And but but we're also constantly around shitty people. Yeah.
And and so you've been you've been away from that high level shit and you forget you've also been away from that shitty shit. Yeah. And so your tolerance is low. You know what I mean.
Yes. It's like, it's like it's like you walking through the desert and you thirsty you motherfucker. And somebody hand you an ice cold glass of piss, you know.
I mean, it's like that's so that's not it, you know, is like because you that's a poor social interaction ice cold guy because I fucked up and like tried to, you know, spend time around just whoever like somebody hit me, like, let's just be OK.
Fine, let's. And it's like, oh no motherfucker, you suck before you suck even. It's like my tolerance for bullshit people is zero.
You're totally right because that's what I like the like the thrills of when you're here going to the store is that you're going to have multiple exciting stimulation like conversations with people, you know, I mean, like you're going to you're going to work on your craft.
You're going to try material which is like it's own rush.
But then like in that hallway or in the parking lot, you're going to see Kevin Christie. You see Ali. Well, you see Brian. And you'll have like even if it's three minutes, five minutes, it's it's like exciting conversation. Like someone will bring up either a unique perspective or something that you didn't know or something hilarious. And you're like, oh, this is what this actually helps fuel this whole fire.
There's all these little interactions, you know. Yeah, exactly.
And yeah, then you then you run into an ice cold glass of this, like I almost. Oh yeah.
You're the worst. So what have your cycles of quarantine been, Tom? And I've discussed our stages like my first one was panic buying. I got up all the toilet paper, the second was cooking. I started cooking compulsively and then I started shopping on Etsy for necklaces. And then it was like just Amazon. And then, you know, and then it became exercise. And then I turned to drinking.
Right, right. Exactly. I went I got steaks. Well, I didn't panic buy.
Oh, that's good.
But I because when everybody was buying toilet paper, I see I was on the road like I went, this is fucked up because I was just starting to hit the road and headlines.
And I was like and I came back from like my third gig and right as I was boarding the plane, they locked down L.A. for.
Oh right. And so when I got back, it wasn't on my fucking toilet paper. Right. So I bought it today. Yeah. Oh nice.
Yeah. Team. But they all the way through the glass. Right. It is the best.
But then I started so I went from that to cooking and I was like, you know what, I, I'm a master. How to make a steak, you know, which I've done by the way. Good.
And you study videos. Yeah. Yeah. I watch this.
The guy named Gugger, he's like a Brazilian guy. He just he just suvi everything. Now, did you have to buy the.
I've heard of the movie. Did you do did you buy a Suvi device that. Yeah. A lot of Suvi device. Yeah. See that's your in your state phase. Yeah.
So I treat myself like once every you know, six weeks or so I'm biased because you can't buy shitty steaks. No. You gotta buy gas and they're expensive. You know, I didn't realize that you know. Forty bucks for.
Yeah. One dinner but it's, it's good. It's good. And then it was like comfort buying, you know what I mean.
Whereas like because because you just like I'm be stuck here forever. How long someone make this place comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. And so I start buying shit like, you know, rugs and fucking paintings.
What's what's the craziest home item you bought. You bought like what's the one you're like that was irrational. That one was the fur rug. I didn't need the fur.
I think the craziest shit was probably a Oh a standing that. My desk. Oh, I hate this. Oh, no, my desk is like I push a button in hope that because I see that I said at the motherfucker all the time. Yeah, yeah. Maybe, you know, it's not it's not something I need it like looking back on it. Right. It's not a necessity. It's not a no exactly.
I had a perfectly fine desk. Yeah. And and I was like it would be dope if I could stand it.
This motherfucker. Do you find that do you find yourself more productive understanding this? Yes, you do.
Yeah. Is it because you're so uncomfortable you just want to get done faster?
No, actually actually you know, here here's the real deal. The best thing I bought was I bought a little I bought a little Roeland table to go beside it like slides under the desk and comes out so you can sit on it.
No. So I could eat on it because when I used when I used to eat on my desk, it would like shit would pile up and mean I'm not productive. Right. So this I keep my eating shit on this thing. So you have an eating desk and then you're right.
I have I have an eating table and a working down in a working standing desk. Yes. That's great. Yeah.
So then so you went there, you're standing, you saw your furniture face and then what after and then I think I bought.
Oh I bought a sound bar. Oh nice.
That's good. These are good purchase. Yeah. That was a good purchase. I bought a ephriam er fryer.
Yeah I bought an air fryer. What's an air fryer. It's like, it's like it's basically an adult easy bake oven and it's like oh you can fry it without all the grease. Whoa.
Yeah. You have like you have like fried wings and a crispy but it's not but there's no grease.
If you are rich you have to know everything you know. OK, well all right. That's it right there.
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's it.
Is it the exact same prep. But you just put it in this device. Yeah. Wow. And then it comes out first being ready to go.
Yeah. Oh yes. This is a right that we're ordered an oven but how does it get you juicy.
Is it because what it does is it it, it circulates the hot air all over it. It's like a basket in there in the hot air just constantly circulating. Oh man.
Fascinating. I want to see this in person. It's like you've seen it on, like, late night infomercials. Yeah.
Really. I feel like I've missed it here. Frier air freshener. Yeah. OK, so you're into the air.
Write it down. I want to if I can order it today. What else. After your airfare. Like what phase do we go through of the car.
I bought a nice microwave. Hey that's a game changer because I still, I'm still poor enough. I have roommates right. Yeah. Yeah. And so when we first moved in I didn't have any money. So we someone gave us a microwave.
You know, your first little come up. Oh your shit is like hand me downs. Yeah. Someone gave us a microwave but this son of a bitch gave us a free microwave.
But this son of a bitch gave us a seven fifty what you know and all of all of it.
All the food instructions. So four thousand or twelve hundred. Why so. So that mean you got to do calculations before you have it up every time. Right.
You get some, you put some shit says put it in there for three minutes.
You got to fuck here like six and a half minutes. Right, exactly. It's like converting from dollars to pounds or something. Right. Right.
First motherfucker. He was like why would he give. I was like, well who gives away a perfectly working microwave?
And then is a shitty like that's why real shitty. But how much has got getting that new microwave change shit. I mean it's a life changer.
It's a game changer. First of all, this new motherfucker, this this microwave, you can turn off the beat.
What. So yeah, there's no beep.
So we got that fucking beeper. So annoying. Yeah.
So how do you know when your food's done. You fucking just know like it still signals you visually. It's not beep beep. You can make it completely, you can, you can turn the beep on if you want like me in another room. Yeah.
But if you're not you can just it is a simple thing or you load in men, you know the buttons right beside the start button. It's loading sound. Right.
Hey if I can write that down to I want to get a different matter. Yeah. All right. So er fryer and microwave. Microwave doesn't exactly.
Yeah. Brian's opening my fucking eyes right.
Yeah. Yeah. I started, I started, I started the I obsess over shit like. Yeah. Like me.
When I decided to buy something I, I, I read every Reddit post, I read every review, I go to multiple websites and it's like you know I Googled top ten this and I wait till I see the same thing on multiple lists.
Yeah. You know that's your method. Yeah. Oh I bought a Kindle so that was next. That's fun. What have you been reading dude.
Your shopping game has been on here. Oh yeah. You're productive. I'm impressed. Yeah, I've been fake product.
I mean I bought a bottle, I bought some of those, some of those adjustable weights where you can dial. Yeah.
Yeah I bought. Did you do some working out. Yeah.
I mean I'm trying. Yeah, yeah. I mean but like I said, I'm still me. The quarantine is not making me, you know, all the things never worked out this much.
Yeah. I'm not I've never worked out this much. I'm working out like five, six days. Yeah, yeah, and I mean Waite's so I box twice a week, I started playing tennis in a box and I bought, I bought some egg weights, egg whites. They're like, they're like in fact I fucking heard Joe Rogan talk about them and then I fucking researched them and I bought those right there.
Yeah exactly. Yeah. So they put, they put it goes on your finger like a ring on it. But instead of giving you, instead of giving you bigger shit they just use denser material. So you so you would be holding something in the palm of your hand and the motherfucker weighs like you know ten pounds or.
You just you know, you shadowboxing with these things in your hand and they're heavy as fuck you.
It's all the gadgets. You've got so many good products. Right, that I got to text you whenever I'm going to buy something, I'm like, which way?
If you're going to buy if you think about buying some shit. Yeah. Especially if it's a gadget. Text me. Give me 48 hours for you.
I'm going to use this. I'm going to hit you up for this. Yeah. So somebody who's willing to do that is such an invaluable friend. Oh yeah. Yeah.
For sure. Yeah. I won't steer you wrong, especially when it comes to gadgets. Yeah. Yeah.
I feel like it's actually like if it's something that you're into the research is fun. I feel this way about cars. Like whenever somebody is like I'm looking at car, I'm like, what kind of car are you looking at? And then I'll do the same kind of thing. I'll do research, I'll watch video because I actually enjoy that process. I didn't know you were a car guy. I love it.
I just I just like learning about cars. I can if you tell me, like, I'm actually looking to get, you know, whatever, let's say a type of SUV, I will get down like, oh, these five and then down pare it down to these three and then I'll watch every video on it. Are you losing sound again. No, I was trying to. OK, ok, so. Yeah, no I really enjoy it.
I love it. I love it.
Cause Christine work well for a while.
It was Wiggs. Oh cars. I don't give a shit about cars. I'll drive anything. It's because I was into a pretty wig phase in quarantine and the car. Yeah, yeah. We had names for them and everything like lace fronts or like. Yeah.
Lee's friends and I, I haven't watched it. Wow. You really know that shit. Yeah. I would watch tutorials of girls putting the wigs on and cutting the lace and getting the glue and doing all that shit like I really got heavy into it.
We get we gave each of the wigs, backstories and names and everything. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun. Shelly, she's a runaway. You know, so many sketches.
You know, we just did episodes. I wore the wig on the show and then on wear my mom's out.
See, I can't imagine being married with kids in the quarantine.
Yeah, that feels like I don't. I don't even because because here's here's the other thing. You know how we talked about being like how you you. You need that high quality shit. It's like all my roommates are comedians and we get that. But it's like because I've been stuck around them for all this time, it's like it's not it's like my tolerance has built up and now it doesn't have the effect. Right.
Like it's they're not funny to you anymore. They're fun.
But I just I just I walk out of my room and and I see one of them and I'm just like, God, yeah. I'm just sitting there like a physical representation of the same thing every day.
And I just and I can't imagine having that with kids because, like, I don't have to care about my roommates. You have to care about your kids. So it's like this this cognitive dissonance where you're like, I fucking love you, but I. Well, thankfully, kids are not the same every day.
Oh, I think that's what keeps it interesting is that like, actually we're actually really lucky, though, that they're if they like right now, they're our kids are two and four.
If they were like six and eight would be screwed, it would be so different because they would have all the all they'd be used to like intense social interaction, schooling, a lot more activity in the regular if that had them been taken away.
Whereas two year old doesn't have a clue. The four year old at first was like, what's up with school?
I don't go anywhere right now. But then he kind of was like, cool. And then he's, you know, he's fine with it. Right. Just it's because they're like they're just below that threshold. But I feel like if they were a few years older and I feel bad for, you know, parents who have kids that are in that age who are like, what about today? I want to be stimulated.
Give me some shit. Could you imagine the teenagers? I mean.
Oh, yeah, I would fucking have commit suicide right now if I were home with my parents for months and not being able to see friends or do anything, that's got to be to suffer the they're cum all over the walls.
Oh no, I hadn't done it in this room yet. Right.
Come for me now. I have been out of been something else man.
What would you have done. You'd fucking I'd run away. Yeah. I was a handful bro. Yeah. Lockdown couldn't have happened in the nineties. Oh yeah.
You told me you were a handful right. Yeah. Yeah. Out of bounds. I'm sure that you would have. I believe that. I believe me to.
Oh yeah. But how so. What things are like before you come.
Yeah. House. Although if I wanted to I have no problem swallowing I'd stop for a minute and I put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and I just suck on that and make it nice and red and let you remember me after I'm gone.
Brian, just turn over and I would play with your cheeks, maybe even massage your little hole and make you feel just the only man and just, you know, that's my dad.
You know what made us so is the pause. Uh, his timing was timing. He just let it sit with you. What are you talking about? Because I'm really, really into this video.
I think it's great. I want everyone to see it. And she doesn't like it. But I think one of the things that I love about the video is something that Christina pointed out is that if you couldn't hear, you'd be like, is this a guy talking about, like fish bait?
Like, you know, I mean, like, is he is he a stamp collector who's like, well, there's a nineteen forty eight stamp that I like.
He has such a he could be given one of those people speak at the graduation commencement speech.
Commencement speech. Yeah. But even that's more inspirational and motha like he's still he's just so down here. It's so fucking boring. Who is he talking. So it's it's another man.
Video chat. Who. You don't hear the other Femara. See it.
His name is Mark. He's a nice guy.
OK, you come, you come. Let me see. Let me see how much you count. Let me, let me see all that. How much how how big a load I'm going to swallow.
Brian, Brian. And it's also like I need I need it right now. I need no. Oh no. Yeah I need it right now. Oh God damn. I want to see this.
No, give it to me now. Give it to me now. Give it to me. Come on Mark. Don't be stingy. Right.
That is like what was that movie with the blue diamond. With a guy with lust.
Oh come for me.
No, no. This is like haunting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Mark, Mark recorded this and put it on I think.
I know. No fuck Mark. I know Mark's an asshole. Mark is a mark is a lot of things. Yeah.
Damaged I think to his. Yeah. Like his lack of emotion. It's like. Yeah. Come for me Mark. Yeah. Go ahead.
Well he normally doesn't break his eyes like he a blank. He doesn't. It's almost like he's. Yeah. It's an autistic or.
See I bet you this is, this is one of those people that has never had any redeeming qualities.
He he's been in this his whole life. Now he's just an old that.
But he says that the whole time he's the boring office guy, he's been the guy that sucks the life out of you when he comes to talk to you in your cubicle. Yeah. Yeah. Like she's been uninspiring his whole life.
He's the guy that you had a joke about those people and you're special. He's the guy that opens the door at the bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's boring as shit, this guy's boring for sure, but he's bold. How does he have this much bravery and he's so fucking boring. What keeps had the audacity to do this kind of shit?
I think the reason he's boring is because he has a complete lack of empathy, like he can't tell how he's making other people feel. He he's never changed. Did you see the connection? Yeah, yeah, that's why you're so dialed into this guy's lack of empathy. No, it's an excellent observation. Yeah, it's an excellent operation. Brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't he doesn't know how to read the room, this guy. Exactly.
And he was like that at work and he's like that in his video chat.
Right. Oh God. You bet.
I'm coming up in May. You better believe I'm coming up in May. What does that mean?
He's going to come visit to visit. You are terrific. I know you're going to be good in bed. So I like to say, like, how fattiest a little overweight.
But you know what it is? It's not even that he's fat. That makes it hard to look at. It's that he's it's that he's fat, hairy and like moist.
Yeah. Yeah. And it, it yeah. You feel Yeah.
Like you know, he's an excellent lover but you know that he cares about himself. Oh. But it's like, it's like my guy like put a fan on. Oh that's another thing about that.
So I bought a damn a fan. Not a fan. Not just a fan. I bought a damn.
It's a, it's a wall unit.
It's an air circulator.
Is it the one that has like you don't see like blades. You just see like so you see blades but it's a it doesn't, it doesn't it doesn't blow like a fan. No, no, no, no, no air purifier.
No air circulator like it. OK, it's designed to throw air from one room to do you know the name or the brand or anything or know all the top of my head. But does it look like something like that.
Yeah, it looks, it looks like that. But that Dyson one. Right that down to I want to get the Dyson one. But it know with the no blades we write that down because we have it, we have AC but it's kind of shitty.
Yeah. So when we so when it's blown in living room I can blow it from the living room to mine. Is there anything worse than like shitty AC like when he gets he gets so mad.
I got him every place we've lived like we've lived in only places that have shitty like every Aparo years together it's been then we moved again and we're in this house and then I'm, I'm in this one room and I'm like, yeah, it's fucking hot as shit in here. And I keep lowering the temperature on the thing.
And I'm like, I guess it's just not cooling down because the sun's out and this is another shitty fucking AC thing. And I bring the AC guy out and he goes, no, it works fine. It's just, you know, just got out. It works. You just got you got to turn it on. And I'm like, what are you talking?
And then I bring another guy out who had set things up for us and he goes, Oh, nobody connected the AC to this, to the what's it called?
You know, the the pad is like so so like for a couple of months I was like, so we just never had it on. And here he's like, that's right. You just never had it on. So that makes me want to murder the first guy.
Yeah. No, because why why why not just say you don't know my guy. He didn't. He did not. It's the quarantine. He's like I turned it on and he's like I jumpstarted the unit with with jumper cables.
So it works. But you know, it was great.
Ryan was a dad. He was for the next three days, he was like, can you believe it?
The air conditioning finally went on. I was so happy and he was in his chair. You walking around with the temperature, right. Well, feels great in here.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Solid. Seventy three looking like it.
It changed my business. Like I have to be, you know, to have the cool air.
I mean, you know, so we have, we have four people and so to keep the peace we just made a rule that whenever anyone is uncomfortable.
You can change the you can change the air to whatever you want, oh, nice now, but I thought that was going to keep the peace. But but it's turned into this passive aggressive. Oh, so for people is a lot to change.
Well, there's really three it's two people in a couple. So even though there are one person. Right. Is the woman the woman behind the whole day, she's always cold.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's what women are. We're always cold.
So she's fucking up your whole age, but she's also the one that she'll just suffer and not say not change.
Good. Put on a sweatshirt. I don't think she ever I don't think she's ever changed it.
You I put it on a fucking sweater. Let me tell you how happy I was when the AC wasn't working. And I was like, let's just open a window. It's just natural.
I was really happy. And now you look at all that pollen. Yeah, it's fine. You see, I've I see one flying insect expert.
Do you remember this guy, Christine?
I remember this guy already feeling well. Go for a walk. He really. He's not a real person, no. Well, the front of one of them is the other one is just. Oh, yes, he's making videos. Good job. She is. She has to go. I can't. Yeah, the further you go. All right. Well, I do the camera. Can you please bring up that thing I sent you?
Hold on. Hold on, hold on. There's an update. There's an update from this guy. That's why I played this first to give you the back story. You'd like to see the update.
Oh, Lord Jesus, Amy, it's so cute, dancing and dance. Yes, it was in the lobby. Come on in, Kevin. Hey, Jack.
I think Kathy, they definitely need to check his basement. Yeah. Or his attic. I don't it's not good.
Could you please bring up the new thing I sent you from Instagram, Nadav? The new movement that's happening, the 20 is trans racial, I'm sure you've heard where you born, you're born one race, but you feel you identify with another and therefore you may change your race. Now, that's trans racial.
That's happening. That has been happening. That happened with Rachel Dolezal.
There's transgendered as we know, there's trans well now trans age.
So age, you can be a different age. On the inside. We're all different on the inside. Hashtag trans age, haast hashtag age, fluid. Love is love. I can't.
Can you believe you.
But you can't see that it's it's basically what you just what he's but she's already to this this flag is for anyone who feels they're trans age or questioning trans age pride flag next.
That's just what the TV looked like when it was over, when programming was over and.
The brand new symbol for paedo sexuality. Say hello to a new age of progress is like boy levels. Yes.
Mature for her age or an adult trapped in a child's body.
A trans ageism, guys, are we progressive enough? So, anyway, this is the new the new pride community. Guys, we should be trans people are valid and loved, so they deserve to be valid and love to.
This isn't real. OK, as it is.
Can we go back to how much better my old guy jerking off is than any other thing like this is? This is way worse. Way worse. Yeah. I mean, unless it's so upsetting. Well are they connected? Is this a big callback like like that old guy is like Mark. Mark is Mark age. God no.
I just thought you guys should know the new. I like to keep abreast of social movements and and we're inclusive.
Everybody's included now. Trans ageism. Bull shit. That's crazy, of course. What does that mean in anyway.
That means that you get to go like I'm 14. That's how I feel.
That's who I am. That's why I'm allowed to have sex with others. Yeah, 14 years. So someone goes like, you're an adult man doing this, you'd be like, no, I'm fourteen on the inside. I'm trans age, I'm transgender, trans phobic age fluid.
Oh, it's. Oh, how much does it cost to get into this place? Well, I'm a senior citizen right now. I feel like. I know. Yeah. Yeah.
It's that's so disgusting. It's so gross. It's so gross. Let's change it.
So come in the toilet. I'm at the motel. I haven't heard anything about the toilet. I've come in to do a piss. This is what I say. Funny sort of strange. Sistan on the back and binoculars.
Oh this is a toilet review. There's binoculars and I didn't get it of course. So I've done a piss. Enjoy the facilities. I haven't got the prank yet decided. I mean like I got the morning both sat down on a year and it becomes you get to see the making of your stool through a series of mirrors and if you need to better close up, you get that. So I'll see if it can work. Wow. So you get one of those tube by hand in the toilet, so you imagine when you are letting something go, then you grab the binoculars and really see the full action of the sink.
I want to do this. Yeah, no stuff. But isn't that a good web? Already edited to find out. Where is this?
The Mona Museum. Museum of what is that? New art or something? What does that neon we are not in Glendale. No, no, no, no, that's the need. This is definitely a museum of old and new art in Hobart, Tasmania.
Oh, he does have an accent.
Yeah. Yeah. This this is the first thing I thought was that's a good way to get Pinkert. Right. The fuck's been touching those binoculars.
Who's that. Who's claiming them between everybody that comes in right now? No, you've got to you've got to clean them yourself. Watch people.
Most people won't be making Tic Tacs with the assholes. Well, that's the scourge of the earth. What? Tick tock.
No. I'm so glad you're here. But I'm I'm just going to post this every time people ask me the same question again. My name's Farah, as well as an intersex woman. My pronouns, are she her at time or your grace? My eyes are tattooed. My nose is a piercing. I identify as a threat, a nightmare and a goddess. So please bow down to me. Well, I do not believe in God. I don't worship the devil.
But yes, I am a Satanist, which means I am my own God and I worship myself. Thank you. Have a good day. See, look, I'm down to call you him, her, they them, but I'm not calling you Your Grace. No, you can suck my dick. Yeah, yeah. Like you got different Game of Thrones. You didn't think of that.
No. And also, you don't deserve it. No, no, no.
Also, I mean, not only is this the most annoying human being ever, but isn't this the most indicative video of twenty twenty. I mean, like. Yes. Of like this movement. Yeah.
Of like hey, I want to be annoying like that has happened in the last year with so much I am my fervor and strength and my own goddess because because it's like, it's like people always take shit and run with it.
Like, like did you see a couple of weeks ago with the lady look like put her pussy on the street. Yeah.
Some of the cops I did Portland, she likes to like stop the spread her legs.
Yeah right. But there was there was a picture going around of her of the cops like stopping.
But if you the video, if you watch the video they shoot at her, they shoot tear gas and pussy. Yeah. Like she had to.
She had two dudes with her with shields that like walked in front of her and like walked her off the street because they were stunned at first.
But then they just started firing tear gas at her pussy.
But my point is, I supported that woman. Yeah. And I think she calls herself the goddess. But this this is the example of somebody like taking it to the point where I'm like, well, this is so far.
I mean, this is I mean, it's almost this far.
This is perhaps one of my most requested videos today. We're going to talk about hybrid children. My name is Shoosh. I use them pronouns and I'm a channeler and spirit worker. Hybrid children are type of star being that consist partly of our DNA and partly of the DNA of other galactic energies. So if you are a Sarsae, you may also consider yourself a hybrid child. But when I talk about hybrid children, I'm talking about the ones that are not yet here.
So I work with hybrid children. Right now. They're living on ships and kind of parallel worlds or realms. Right. And they're actually in schools where they learn about what living on earth is like because they are going to be coming here eventually, probably sooner than we think. So I work with them in my meditations, teaching them things. And I also have a hybrid child myself. So my child is made up partly of my energetic template. I personally don't remember the time in which my energetic template was sampled, but some of you may remember these experiences.
There's going to be part two. Oh, please. See, I thought I thought that I wouldn't hate anyone more than the first one.
But this this makes me so angry because people like this should not. How does she survive?
Well, that's the thing. Here's what's amazing. She also she has a hustle. She has an actual game where if you go on her page, she's like, hey, a lot even asking me questions about things.
And I'm very happy to answer. But, you know, my time and my knowledge is worth something. So you're going to have to like, yeah, pay up so you can do this. Yeah, she's she's she's like, do you like this bullshit dressed up enough for me to pay me? And apparently some people do. But you're paying her.
But for her coaching of hybrid chill. But hello.
Do you know what video she could show her hybrid children? What's a shame? Alamuddin shamanism, some of those stupid videos we watched at the beginning of the episode.
Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, da da da salon. Is that the old that the old guy.
She's talking about these insane videos we found that are like it's supposed to be inspirational videos that are so elementary and so like they're so juvenile and so basic and they have millions of views and they're shit like, OK, like check out how insane.
Give us your perspective on this, Brian.
Are we celebrating something special? What's up with you? Oh, I'm not sure this whole date is a surprise. Wow. How exciting that I can't remember the last time I was on a date.
Look, I'm sorry, but is it possible to get another server? I'm actually the only server working. Is everything OK? Well, I don't want to be mean, but your scars are kind of hard to look at.
Like who would say? I mean, so this whole thing is like a life lesson video so that he keeps being rude to the server.
Fine. Honestly, I get this all the time. You see, I was in a house fire when I was a child.
OK, you can spare us the details, like things like this and bring me in. I had no idea.
I still really want to be your boyfriend. I don't think things will work out. What now? I mean, please, come on, don't do this.
I've already made up my mind and they have millions of you millions. She she leaving. Is this is this. Is this a comedy. No, no. There's no punch line.
No, no, no, no. Sincere. Oh they're they're all they're trying to teach me something. Yes. And that's like the other one is like you know. Well, with dozens of these, why are you inside of the house with shoes on? Oh, sorry, Dad. You know the rules take them off right now, OK?
I'm taking them off. Oh, well, that's great, you're always making a mess. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just can't do anything right, can you?
Oh, it's it's really it's insane. And they, you know, are these are these are the people trying to tell everyone that their trauma is like if this happened to you, you're traumatized.
It's it's more basic. It's more. That's actually too sophisticated. They're they're saying things like that.
Dad tells this other dad, hey, man, how come you're not yelling at your kid when he screws up like he just came from his house to visit his friend?
And then this guy is going, you don't have to yell at your kids. He's like, that's how they learn, though.
And then in the end, the bad dad goes, Mike is getting bad grades in school. And then the nice dad goes, Mike is getting straight A's. Who in which one is the bad dad?
The one that we saw at the beginning. Oh, wow. And then and then at the very end, he goes back to his son.
You know what I've got to do to do great? And he goes to his son. Better not apologize. Yes.
They said, Oh, hey, son. Dad, I'm really sorry about the grades. Bad grades.
I promise I'll do better. It's OK. You're not the one that needs to happen. I'm the one who should be. Sorry, I just realized that you needed somebody to help you. Not someone like that. Do you think you can forgive me? I mean, it's one of the weirdest.
This is unacceptable. I know. I know, I know. Because I'm all about, you know.
Yeah. You know, constructive parenting. I don't got to screen kids. Right. But this whole thing is. And then every video ends with the guy who makes them doing this.
Hey, da man. Ben, I hope you love that message. Please remember, we're not just telling stories or changing lives. And when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives, too. I appreciate you. And I'll see you in the next video. Oh, yeah, right. This has got to be a joke.
That's what I thought, too. I feel like they're going to make one last video. I don't know, man.
There there's there's dozens of these dozens and they have millions of views, millions of views, and they all have subject matter.
Like Guy is rude to the salesperson and then regrets it.
And then exactly what you think. He's like, you know, oh, you can't help, you can't afford this.
And then later on the person goes, I can't afford it. You just judge me by my shirt like shit like that.
So it's, you know, you know, this feels like, you know you know, I think it makes me so angry is because I think these guys are trying to do what standup does without being funny.
Like, it's like stand up with all the funny take in all the funny and all the the nuance and any any sense of adult hood sophistication.
Like usually, you know, like the best of standup wise. It's not just funny, it makes you think a little bit, but it's not so direct. Right.
There's a little bit of a layer in there where you go like you got something like these.
These are the type of people that would that will surprise you that you're eating vegan food, you know what I mean? Right.
That's like. Oh, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, it's totally right. Right. You know, what these remind me of are I've ever seen a Hallmark Christmas movie, but yeah, it's exactly one hundred percent this level of stupidity.
You know, my husband Tom speaks Spanish and I too have been learning Espanol along with babble because why should you just have to memorize things?
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So I offered to I've been watching. I got one of my phases of quarantine was getting into chiropractic videos on YouTube, like there's a whole lane of chiropractors just cracking people's backs and ankles and shit like, you know, doing like adjustments.
We had an adjustment before I had one time. How was it?
It was. It was bullshit, just like I mean, it was I mean, it no, it was not. That's not true. It felt it felt like I was definitely adjusted. Did it relieve you of any discomfort? No, I really can't tell. Yeah. Yeah, I feel the same.
I mean, I don't feel like something I need to keep doing.
The videos are for some reason to like at times to me, very, um, relieving like to watch.
It's like, you know, I kind of meditate watching that and it's very satisfying. Yeah. So like, you'll see someone and then the person will kind of get them ready and then you hear that like that relief of like the crack. Right. So the dive in there with the cool haircut, he's got a bad back.
And I was like, look, I've been watching a lot of these videos, let me adjust you. And he was like, absolutely not. And I I've implored him to let me do it. And he's refusing. So we got this email from one of our listeners says, hey, what's up, James? I'm a chiropractic assistant at a chiropractic office. I need you to know that addressing someone looks easy and simple to do, but requires an advanced understanding of body mechanics that you most certainly cannot get from watching YouTube videos.
By the way, the adjustments that you see in those videos are incredibly damaging to the sport.
I can bore you with the details, but please do not let Tom adjust the dove, please. He will paralyze him. That shit is no joke.
I love you, Mommy. Please be safe. Well, this is fucking a loser and I'm not going to listen to this.
No, I mean, that's going right.
Why can't you learn watching YouTube I you've seen enough. What is the top of that haircut. Um, he said that it made him feel good. It gives him confidence. Well, I don't know.
Would you. You told me to do this and then you forgot that you told me to do so. I could have just not done this. That's true. I would have completely forgot.
You just walked in. I was like, give me the George Costanza.
But I forgot him. Doesn't it? Like, isn't this Nadav in twenty years? Oh, this reminds me. I have some things I wanted to ask your advice on, but before that I wanted to point something out. Now that Nidaa brought it up, could you go to my YouTube channel, could you pull up my YouTube channel?
And I would like you to specifically go to the Audi R8 video that was uploaded.
So I've been doing this thing where, like I said, I, I enjoy cars. I like being around them. I like driving them. And so we started doing these videos where you can just pause it when it when the ad here. Right. So I started doing these videos where I basically take a quick look at a car, get in, and I tell like some comedic, you know, anecdotal story.
So so the way it works is we have them shot and edited by a friend of ours, a guy who works here sometimes named Lindsey, and then he sends them for review.
Once we're approved, they go to Nidaa and he uploads them, OK? He uploads the videos in addition to uploading them the technical part, he also writes a description of which I really have in my own marvel. I haven't paying that much attention to. I'm just like, oh, you know, it'll just be a brief description.
So last week I get a few messages and they're like, Jesus, cool description, man. Like, what are you, a fucking fifth grader and what's so.
Could you make the text bigger so I can? Because I got to read this. OK, here's the description that Nadav wrote on my behalf. Is it really fun? Here we go for this video. This is today. I get to drive my buddy Eric's Audi R8 Veton plus. And it was a dream trade in your civic for one of these bad boys with an engine in the back. OK, we then go over some proper ways to hold the steering wheel.
Don't drive a semicolon, right? Don't drive like your grandma so far.
It's like I get it. Like that's topical. And then it says I talk about the time I crashed my car the day I got my driver's license. It could have ended there, I think. OK, here's the next sentence. The rear axle snapped and my sister was hospitalized, period. OK, next sentence. My dad was so disappointed, period. Then right after traffic school, I crashed again. Period. And then the very last sentence, the bumper fell off.
That's the that's the last sentence of a video description. Now we know who's been writing Darmanin script.
I mean, Nadaf wrote that. He wrote that, but that's supposed to be you. So everyone was like, what happened to you?
But like. And then I was like and then I hit him up. I'm like, did you write this? He was like, yeah, I go, the bumper fell off.
That's just that's how this thing ends, right? He's like, I was just trying to I don't know.
I feel like I feel like you showed up with some clippers like you want to fuck up the. So what are the other. I have even looked at these are the other ones like this to. They're not this bad. What was going on? What was going on? OK, I'll tell you exactly what happened. There's a couple of different. Are you having shamed tears right now? Yes.
Yes, I did. I could not tell you. I was like stuff at home.
And then you just send me a screenshot and you're like, did you write this? I was like, oh, man. And then you're like, this is terrible. This is the dumbest thing I've ever read. And then the thing that really made me sweat was that you texted me like three hours later being like, I can't I still can't stop.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. I could not. All right. OK, so you can't edit those.
You can. But I, I, I was like, leave it up. Sit with your shame. Yeah. Yeah.
So there's a couple of different factors that factored into this couple of different variables. One, I wrote this at like seven thirty in the morning right when I came in before a show day. Huh. So, you know, I'm kind of just mystified.
Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's when you supposed to be at the top of your game, not me. First thing in the morning.
That's when I'm at my best. But then, you know, I, I know how the YouTube algorithm works and it's like you got to you got to add all these, you got to add all these words into the description.
So I'm like, what would someone say? Like if they describe it to their friend, like, oh did you see that video where Tom talked about his bumper falling off?
And so I'm trying to think of those sentences and incorporate them into the into the description. Now, granted, did the algorithm pick this up a little bit? It did a little bit. But, you know, it's it's not always function over form. The form kind of needs to contribute.
This is he is he on this because he related to, like, your sister or something like why does he have a job?
Is it because he's he's always fucking up and we don't ever do anything about it? You know, it would be like it would be like if you kept hiring the first air conditioning right.
Over and over, over and over. You've got a gambling problem. Oh, wow.
Yeah, he does. I hope he's not dead. Next up is gambling, I just saw him. He owed me a lot of goddamn money, a motherfucking show.
But Nadaf, what made you close on the bumper?
Fell off, period. And then I'm out of here.
Do you get away? Do you get how bad the last three sentences are for a description?
You know, it's funny, Tom, is that over the last month, every single week so far, yeah.
It's been like, oh, this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever deleted.
A video that's pretty fucked. That was embarrassing. It's bad that I lost 10K over the weekend.
That was embarrassing. You do you admit, though, that I handled the video deletion pretty well?
Oh, yeah. I was expecting much worse. And it was just like, oh my God, he's so understanding. Yeah. Yeah. No, you are a great boss. You stern but fair some people might say.
But I don't. I mean come on. The sterilely certainly. Yeah. I don't like the scare.
I think he was more upset about this description than the deleting of the video. Oh yeah.
This is very I think this one really because I had to hear about it. You understand your fuck ups I have to fucking hear about in our private life. So, no, you make my life miserable. I'm the one that pays the price for this shit I got to talk to off a ledge every time, actually.
OK, so let's let's talk about this moving forward. Yeah. How about moving forward? I don't write them about the solo solos in grade school.
Yeah. I want to see us although description. Yeah. No yeah. He pretty much writes all the negative is the boss of everyone else. Well he oversees everything here. Yeah.
Wow. Yeah. So how do you know that's, that's why I'm glad I'm going to meet it.
I would never have to have, I would never have to have a shitty boss. Yeah.
How upset would you be if I was your boss telling you.
I know because I bet you they're all like, you know what if he was in times like retarded cousin, you know?
OK, I'm just kidding. I didn't know that was your word.
So I want your word here for once. You see the way that like you've been just shooting from the hip on these things. It's why I asked I asked four questions to be posed to you, because I love the fact that you're unfiltered, you're direct.
Your matter of fact, I like the way your mind got a lick of sense to you. You're a sensible guy. A lot of sense. You're very funny.
So we asked people to ask advice. And, you know, it doesn't have to be very I gave some bad advice last time. That's that's fine. Did that's part of the fun. Feel free to give bad advice again.
But here's some comedic questions people ask and then I just want your take on it. OK, OK, so somebody asks, he says, let me start by saying I'm a 21 year old bisexual guy. Throughout all my life, I've had little to no desire to have sex with another person despite having a normal libido sex drive. I don't think that that doesn't add up right.
A few weeks ago, those desires finally kicked in. Because of covid and my shyness, I've downloaded a few dating hookup apps.
The weird part is when I download the apps, make an account, I feel like a jackass and delete the apps only after a few minutes and making of making an account. I always feel this overwhelming sense of shame. I tried talking to my friends and brother and sister about this, but no one I know has experienced this. I'm also I'll also add that I don't come from a religious family. My older brother is gay. My parents are very accepting.
Do you have any advice as to what might be causing this and how I can overcome it? Thanks, Jared. So it seems like he's overcome with shame just for jumping into the world of that. Right, getting the. And it took it took.
Your parents are very accepting and it took the world shutting down before you wanted to fuck.
Yeah, that's when he says also he says, I've had no desire, but I have a normal libido sex rather my first love. I know you don't know. You're right. No, he's not.
Yeah. Because, like, if you're a normal libido sex drive at fifteen, you're like, I would love to fuck. How old are you. Twenty one. Yeah. That's not normal at all.
But hold on you guys. I'm thinking the key here is the bisexual bit. Maybe there are some shame because he uses the word shame there.
He does he he volunteers. He he actually says I feel an overwhelming sense of shame after downloading the apps and he deletes them as if he's already acted inappropriately.
So, yeah. So maybe he's ashamed of what he wants to do, which is why he hasn't done it.
He's got a lot of maybe repressed, but also feeling gross about the dating apps is a normal response.
Like everyone else is crazy. I can't do the dating apps. Yeah. Have you tried them. I did. Well I downloaded Tinder when it first came out.
Yeah. And and it was like. After after, like a week, I was like, what the fuck is this really? Yeah, it felt so it feels too impersonal. You're making people like, yeah, right. It's like it feels like you're trying to fool people into.
Into it, the best way to meet people is in person. To me, it's like having something in common, not this whole fake.
Like I'm trying to sell myself like a product. Yeah. And I don't know. No, it doesn't make people products.
Yeah, it does. And I think his he might be shy. I think that might be something that he's leaving out is that if he has these normal inclinations, he's a bisexual, he's not ashamed of that. Maybe he's just really shy. And you're right, those apps feel gross. I think if you're if you're being honest, you're like, oh, I don't like how this feels. Yeah.
Maybe if you're actually you're socially normal like you, you are somebody who feels comfortable interacting with people, you know, shoulder to shoulder, that when you jump on this device to meet people, you go like this feels just weird.
But also it's like, why don't you hang out with your gay brother and me to meet somebody?
Like there's something he's leaving, but there it is. That that's the advice. Yeah. Hang out with your bro. Hang out with your brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With gay dudes and then meet other guys.
Hang on your gay brother and then fuck a guy together. Right.
Stroke's yeah. Yeah. Or also or you know maybe because.
Yeah because there's and you'll get, you'll get offers. I mean there's nothing more aggressive than an old queen.
Yeah. So trishaw come for that. He's like wait you guys are brothers.
Oh we go air tight in both of my sisters.
Yeah. And know neuropathies issues with you. Some books of math. You know in my mouth you're my nails but now everyone's horny.
It's everyone's locked down. Everyone's horny. Yeah. True. Go get fucked. All right.
Here's another one. Ready. Hello. I've been going by Charlie for a while now since my legal name is too feminine for me. I've told all my close friends and my brother knows, but I haven't had the guts to tell my parents as I'm not sure how they'd react or if they would respect not using my legal name. Any advice on how to get the courage to tell them or how I should tell them? Thanks for the laughs Charlie. Be.
Charlie, so this person is saying that their name is far too feminine, the subject line says from Caroline, so I'm assuming that's the name and Caroline has begun going by. Charlie wants people to call them. Charlie told her brother and friends, call me Charlie, but is too scared to tell their parents, hey, you know, you name me Caroline, I prefer Charlie. And how does this person. They don't say in the email.
Yeah. See, that's going to be a tough one. It is a tough cause.
Your parents, those are those that's the one people with like a certain shit that. I mean, depending on how old you are, because the reason I ask how old you are. Because if you had to point where like they're still paying your bills. Yeah. They're going to call you Carol. Yeah.
You know, I mean, you've got you got to put up with that.
Yeah, I don't because I don't I don't know I don't know what kind of environment was like. You're afraid to tell your parents. Yeah. Like you afraid of their reaction. Are you afraid.
But I feel like you might have been going to where I go to, which is, you know, there's some you don't just want to tell them and who cares? Like, you can have everybody in the world call you Charlie and then your two parents. You could just be like, you know, they're older.
They're fucking different because I believe in shame in small doses. I believe in concealing things. Why are you going to fucking make your old ass parents change who they are? They're fucking old, OK?
It's like, you know, I'm around.
It's like you're telling your parents, you know, I kind of have this piss fetish. Yeah. Like, I don't I don't need to know that. Right.
You tell all your other friends and it's like and it's fine to compartmentalize like I have.
In fact, I know I know where someone knows me from based on what they call me like I have I have a different nickname over here and different. Yes. Yeah. And so it's like your parents.
I don't know. That's I don't know. That's that's a war you can win. Some battles aren't worth fighting.
Yeah, I tend to agree. I mean, I understand when someone's like well I don't feel complete until my parents know. And in that case I feel like you just got to go. Hey man, you just got to roll the dice and you might be surprised that they are more accepting by it. But also, I was Carol, I'm way too effeminate. Wait, it's a boy.
Maybe they're transitioning or something. I don't know.
But they're just looking for that. I don't know his his name is Carol. His name might be Carol.
Sometimes boys are named Carol. Yeah, it's the old one called Charlie. I think the parents might be more more accepting than this person. Real bad.
Yeah, it's OK because Caroline is a I thought it was a woman's name. Is that Caroline is a name. No.
Yeah, it is. But it's a man named Caroline or Caroline.
Oh, here's a you know what? Here's an idea. Why don't you just have have a little get together when when the continents have everybody call you Charlie until one of your parents brings it up.
Yeah, I know you call it what you call it was Charlie.
Hey, that's what everybody called. I mean, that's what they call me. Yeah. And then you can also pipe up. Why the fuck did you name me Carol? You know so much. I don't like that.
Wasn't the guy that invented like the the Carol Shelby. Yeah, wasn't that it was Carol Carroll. Shelby Carl to be a man's name.
I mean, you have a right as an adult to be called whatever you wish. So if you're an adult, you're eighteen. I guess what I'm going by fucking Scooby Doo.
Some people, you know, I mean, Lindsay, the first time you meet him, he's like he's like, yeah, it's a girl's name anyway, like, you know, you're so used to it.
Yeah, right. And it's like, I don't know, he just owns it. So you don't think of it as.
But then he look I mean Elon Musk named his kid a fucking math. Yeah. You mean what are you going to do.
You know, I don't know. I mean the parents thing, I'm telling you, it's like you don't have to tell your parents what makes your dick hard.
I agree. I'm old school that way, too. It's just hide shit from your parents. Yeah, it's OK. They don't need you. You need to break down. Although I did.
I didn't tell you. I got an MRI on my shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm laying there and they go, I haven't had one like twenty years and lady goes hey so your only job here is to lay still.
Can you do that. I go yeah I go. I can lay still with my dick. My you didn't go because you're beautiful. Oh well.
And she was like that's really nice of you to say that. And it's just I don't know, it's just the way you can talk to people, you know, if you're trying like I'm just trying to be nice.
You know, I was like, look, I'm married, but my dicks are looking at you. You know, that happened. That happened in an MRI machine. Yeah. Yeah.
She was, like, very tired. She was like, you're really sweet. Look, we're going to have to sedate you, miss.
Yeah. It keeps blocking it. He's blocking the it.
But he did make a joke to the Filipino nurse when I was. You were giving sperm. Oh, your sperm count. We were trying to have kids.
Yeah. Yeah. You say they took me into the room to jerk off and they're like a test of how my sperm are, you know, before. And they're like, so she goes, fill up this cup, you know, and make sure your penis doesn't touch the rim. And and they put you in a room with porn. So they're like, here's the remote.
And then, you know, it's like an Apple TV remote and there's different movies. And I was and I was like good movies. And she was like, yeah, good when I go. So you're going to stay while I do this?
And she's like, no, I was like, I'm kidding. And she did not she didn't. They don't take that show. No, no. They probably hear that joke. Yeah.
Probably not going to do. You're not going to watch me Jack. My dick. Actually you might be right. They might not think that people are probably pretty respectful. People won't do that to other people. Yeah, I was I was rolling the dice.
All right. Here's another one already. OK, hey, jeans. I recently broke up with my with a long time ex. We're both thirty. We've been friends so long. I've known her half my life, her family and our best friends. Now it's awkward.
I'm really I'm really close to all of them. Heck, we even still fuck around. Time to time. OK, I'm wondering if I should cut off all communication or just leave it as it is right now, by the way, she does have severe depression problems and mood swings. She just stopped taking birth control two, which was affecting the relationship. I want to help her, but I don't think I'm in that position anymore to do so. Love you guys say.
I think because I answered a lot of his own questions, he'll say, get the fuck out of the Situation Room. What are you talking about? You friends with a family, not a fuck. You are known. And you said, stop fucking this girl.
She just stopped taking birth control. Are you serious? Yeah. You just said she has emotional instability problems.
Yeah. And you and you, Busson, unless you're trying to fuck your life up.
So get the fuck away from that. You dodged a bullet.
You need to listen to Brian. Honey, there's no way.
There's none. No the none of this. So I'm not one of these people. It's like, oh, I'm friends with all my exes.
Fuck that. Yeah. Cut it off road.
Block them on everything. Tick tock. Facebook, text, email. Don't contact these people at all. You're friends with a family if you miss or just.
No, there are plenty of other irrational, emotionally unstable women out there for you. Exactly.
Is plenty irrational, emotionally unstable women that are on birth control.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's like, well why was she just stopped taking birth control?
You should cut, like. Absolutely. Yeah, get the fuck up.
I think two people feel guilty when you dump somebody and then they want to help that person through the breakup, for instance, like I had up with you.
But then I feel badly and I want to try to help console you emotionally. Doesn't that's a woman thing. It will say, I'm sorry, that's not a meeting.
Let's talk about it when I break up.
It's like you're it's as if you'd never existed. Yeah, I, I treat you as though like your molecules went to making a tree or something.
You would never in my life, you know what I mean. Yeah. And it's like and not not in the main way because I've run into exes or bumped into them or they, you know, created a fake account and try to contact me.
But it's like I'm cordial but it's like I don't want you to die nothing. But I also want you to leave me the fuck alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I don't want you popping up in some shit. Yeah. No, because how is how are you being friends with her family.
How is that fair to the next person you date. Exactly. And now are your best friends and now, now your new girlfriend got to be in a room with people that they don't know you fucked.
Yeah. No fuck all this is, this is this person literally laid out the advice they need to themselves in the email.
And if you get that girl pregnant, bro. Oh my God.
You just asking for you deserve you listen. What's his name. Jose. Jose. Jose.
You deserve whatever happens next. Right. Whatever happens next, you deserve it.
So ask yourself, what do you deserve? Do you deserve a life free of bullshit and drama or do you deserve this crazy?
I don't want to call it crazy. That's dismissal. Or do you deserve this mess because you don't get whatever you want.
You don't get what you deserve. You can get what you deserve. Pussy.
You feel me.
Even at that last one, I want to ask you, this is a good one, this person says, hey, James, I have a question about dating.
If I am 19, I do not have very much dating. I don't have very much dating experience.
But the guys who always seem to show interest in me don't have the same sense of humor as I do. I'll show them clips from either the podcast or things I find funny, and usually they are either grossed out or they just don't get it. So any advice on finding a Tom to my Christina? Thanks. Keep it high and tight. Rose.
Rose, you're hanging out fucking nerds, first of all. Well, OK. Well, when you're 19. Yeah, OK. You can't find a Tom that young, right. Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda. Been through some shit.
Well, to be fair, Tom was already 40 when he was 23, like he's never been.
So that's why we get along. Yeah. Yeah. I am a misanthrope, you know what I mean. Like people. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't need a lot of excitement, you know. Yeah. Yeah.
But but also it's like yeah. You, you, you're 19, you know, you it is good that like because somebody that you can't. Sure that you can't laugh about things with its miserable, yeah, you can't communicate with that person now. It's like they call it a sense of humor. It's like it's almost like it's like being with somebody that that they don't think something stinks, you know, like, do you fucking smell it smells like a corpse.
And I like what smells great. Yeah. You can't date that person. No.
You know, so to me it's the same things.
Like if you if you can both if you can watch something, you're fucking crying, laughing and they're sitting there with a straight face. That's not.
Ah you mean like when I was crying, laughing and the other one doesn't want to look at the screen even I need the other one to see.
That is a gift to have this old man talking in front of you and the other person is like that's not fun like that.
Yeah I like it.
Yeah, yeah. You get get get get get get you. I think what you need to do is I mean, first of all, if the if your mom's house is your if that's your measuring stick of what the motherfucker has a sense of humor, there's, there's read it forms, there's all kinds of your mom's, there's all kind of mommies out there, you know. I mean, I think we could put the call out. You're totally right.
Yeah, totally right. But that in your dating profile, maybe you put the genes and they know what it is. You it could just be low key. You ain't got to put jeans. Yeah. Yeah. Put the jeans up in your in your uh your bio.
Your bio. Yeah.
They'll come, they'll come out of the woodwork, start jumping in on like you said on the Reddit stuff or commenting on Twitter, Instagram and. Oh I mean how old is she. Nineteen. Oh damn.
Jose's thirty. Yeah. But I mean you're on birth control Rose. Right. Right.
All right. That was great. One thing because you mentioned it earlier and then I have some here just to look at, as you mentioned, that the end of the world is you know, it is ticktock, right? Oh, yeah.
Let's go back. You were looking for me. Here's some Tic Tacs that Christina has curated.
Yeah. OK, so you go ahead and just let us know what you think. How do you feel?
I just want people to realize that I'm a Christian. I would never murder anybody unless they tried to murder me or my family. Yeah, OK. So, yeah, don't ever call me a serial killer again.
So let's keep the serial killer.
I guess so. So he also wielders updates.
I don't know if they're included in this folder, but I like how he started out with I'm a Christian like. Yeah, like that means you're not a murderer. Yeah. That means you're a good guy. Chris is a murderer. Their fair share. Yeah I think so. People. Yeah.
I mean yea and I know that. Oh yeah. And they also call me the cave man. Yeah. And I love Phil OK. And I love my dad.
You love Diet Coke too. I thought that was good. Thanks a lot. You guys have something in common. Coke is something tells me this guy has a position on what we should do with the Confederate statues.
Yeah. It's like, well, I taking them down.
How would these people do this? I wonder if these people know what Tick-Tock is like. I want to know. Right. Like, it sounds like they think that these videos are just going to do.
Yes, there's a whole lane of ticktock. That is, are these DM's like now this is public.
Yeah. There was one guy that thought it was a still photograph and he was like, oh, I'm looking for girls.
Yeah, well, there's another guy who was he was publicly posting I'm sorry, Sheila.
I didn't mean like like like a message for one person.
And that was in his feet and he had multiple he's like, please take me back. He's crying. And stuff like this is a public lesson.
If you want to understand humanity and what is going on, you need to be on the top.
No, no, no. You know what? You know what? You know what solidified my shit.
Look, can you go to my Twitter? Uh, he might be able to hear the best comedian on my Twitter.
This someone shared this to talk with me. And I was like, I'm I'm dying. I bet I've seen it.
I don't know. I was just like, I'm glad this didn't exist when I was in high school.
But I know, oh, I would have been so mortified. I heard you were looking for me. She got off that. Oh, yeah. This that's the unicorn lady. This is this is the Republican teenage oh.
Breakup video. Oh, boy. Oh, that's not normal.
Tick tock. I don't have my feed does not look like this. I can tell you already it's just regular things.
Now what is this. This girl was broken up with by coal. Mm.
And she, she made this video to basically say, you know, whoever gets them next, you know, put up with his shit because he's worth it.
Oh my God.
So like son she she filmed herself with the with the ugly cry and the. Can we watch it or know it so well produced. Let's see. Has for now it's got this guy who's got popular music.
Can you just mute it and let. Can we just please subtitles you tear it and make it bigger? Mommy, I can't really go. If whoever gets him next to be patient with him, he means well, I promise.
But there when he's there, when he's struggling, no matter what. Let him live his life. It will make him so much happier. Oh, my. The Trump 2020, trust him. Don't take fights over things that are not worth it.
It will only tell you sounds like it's her first relationship. Respect his decisions. Oh, my God. Yes. Time you get to spend with him.
OK. Treat every single hug and kiss like it's your last. Oh, my God, this is. Oh, my God. And now was like, you're you're cemented as a loser for at least the next decade at least. So I'm you can you?
Because the only evidence of me being this happy is like there's probably some scratched up mix tape CD. I mean, this girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you're at your lowest like that, when you just had your heart broken as a teenager, you make that so embarrassing. Oh my God. It's your lowest point in your fucking life.
But she really is. I don't want to not please look at my other. So. All right. What you're talking about, what you just saw, that's the mainstream talk when I hear your side lanes of talk.
Yes. See, not only does the deepest, darkest dungeons of Tick-Tock any mainstream stuff, I don't go to mainstream high tech talk.
Oh. So I wore my skirt to work for the first time today and I was Miss Gingered. So this customer, she came up to me and she needed my help. And so she was like, sorry, sorry, sorry. And so I helped her in everything. And then the second time that she needed help, she was like, ma'am, she's like, and I got it right this time. And I felt so awkward, like I didn't want to tell her, like, no, you got it wrong, like you had it right the first time, I don't know, point to the story.
Men can wear skirts if they want to. And my pronouns are he and his.
That's Portland. Yeah, that's somewhere in Portland where there aren't riots or whatever. Yeah, yeah. There's no other there's no other city where this would be.
I like that the the whole audience was going along with the Misdirect as as I was. I was like, oh, so you're upset that somebody called him and then he's like, nope.
Right. My guy in a skirt will deal with it. Oh OK. Yes. Sorry. She saw you. The lady saw you from far away. I thought you were a dude but you were him when you kind of noticed the skirt. Yeah.
Tried to correct. Yeah. Try to be nice. Right.
So this was the person was being thoughtful believe like or trying to be right.
But it's a trap because you can never get the right answer because the answer is always changing. It's like LGBTQ.
Oh but you forgot the I.A. asshole. Like every day there's a new thing and if you're not on it, you're fucking piece of shit racist.
This thing is like you. If you tricked me more than once that I'm just not I'm just going to I'm not I don't want to disrespect you, so I'm just going to not talk to you. Right.
Which excludes those people even. Which sucks to do. And when is to be in this right here.
I'm just gonna be like, what's your name, what was your name? And then if you go out was OK, Brian.
Thank you. Brian, you're early or. Yeah.
Caroline Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. You like it that. No I don't, I don't like it.
I don't like. See this is why it my the. Wait a minute.
What is it time for it to be. How do you please explain to me what is her diagnosis. Know.
Well what is this, what is this video missing. That's nothing.
The first video had perfect because they, they both see because this is this is easier to watch than the old man than the old man jerking off. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're like the lack of of words is bothering me.
You know what I think? I think I think the the first video bothered me so much.
Yeah. It's because I'm afraid of having to jerk off one day without seeing my dick, like go like let's just do it from straight from feel.
I told her that one of the reasons I think that video resonates with me is I see myself a future version of myself in that in the gay part of it.
But it just being overweight, sad with a headphone in she's left me and I'm just like, you got to see your tits, you got to pull them out for me. And I and I just I don't have any game.
I'm just like, oh, hang on a second now. And I'm like, oh it's not that big. And I left to lift my car up.
You got, you got, you got to jerk off at that toilet with the mirrors and then. Yes.
And then I just hear all you hear me saying is like you get my other credit card cause I was going to be right back just like so I got a pay asshole.
I'm like, oh yeah. Because my voice is slowly it's slowly turning into that creepy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh wait. Sorry baby daddy.
OK. Now, I'm just going to say that was brief, no one wants to be called baby daddy thinks he's OK from now on.
Big juice here I am back at it. I'm back. Guys, I'm back from a triple bypass surgery. I am.
Here is when you come back. That was just the whole thing I like about this. What is it so focused? It's just like, hey, guys, I'm back.
And then there's a reveal about people in the car. Yeah. Those are not his not his children. Is he driving?
He's driving like Indian children. Right. Well, what's the stains around his mouth?
He has like cheeseburger sauce on his nose.
That crazy RIAB with all his mouth back at it, the food there.
So what if they come back from Wakelam here? I am sure.
And also, if your nickname is Juice, you don't need big on it. Yeah, big juicy juice just means a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And then you really should wipe your mouth before you make these videos. Yeah.
When I grow up I smell like a cup of coffee in the morning but didn't work. It's not this week and that is not coffee. Right. You wake up and smell the coffee.
What smell. The coffee is not.
He hasn't drink coffee in a long time. Yeah. He's clearly a Tampa Bay Bucs fan. One day I have one of my little lambs go missing and I heard that Jeremiah and Billy Joel walking home from school and it's not really OK. I don't like this one.
Who's grandma? Is that somebody? Somebody from our side. My grandma. Go away. OK, jump forward.
So disturbing. This video is for it looks like Burt for who made it up. Buddy, I'm glad you saluted the president and you got to meet him. That's a once in a lifetime opportunity and the rest of you have been shaming him and running your frickin mouth. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. There's no hate needed. Just love. There's enough hate in Congress without your help.
You don't think that's a bird like kind of look like it? Kind of.
And he confuses me the way bird. Yeah, because. Because if you're going to if you're going to expose me to that way to make you look, just say fucking don't don't you.
Why are you censoring your words and not the rest of.
Yes I know if you're a shirtless guy just go for it and he's got the he's got this weird red tint around his eyes and his mouth to make it look like he misses some kind of vitamin or something.
I yeah, sure. Babe, babe. Oh babe. What are you doing here.
Fuck. What the fuck is right. What are you doing. What are you doing. What were the hell was that.
I had nothing. I think back I said Black Lives Matter and like in his own way, I did. He did not know black trans lives, man.
Oh, Jesus. Oh boy. Oh hey yo. I tell you something right now, OK? Those redneck pirate rocks.
OK, thank you. Thanks for pulling these out. This was really nice. Trump 20 20 guys make America great again.
Yeah. Fuck, yeah. I got something so hot in the mail. Oh, that's mail bombs. Oh fuck. Yeah. His stomach so fat. So yes. Yes, it's a nice little light but don't worry, it's low calorie.
Who is the women. Who is that a picture of. Bird, bird, bird bird mousepad. The Naked Man.
Is that what. Watch with the keyboard and the other. I can use it to jerk off, rub it all over his chest. Go home.
Is that really a picture of his brother?
Yeah, I really. You know. What is that, Bert. Yeah, that's. Yeah. It's like not making the video. No, not the photos.
Real photos. That's his real chest hair. Yeah. That's him in the bathtub. Yeah. He looks a lot heavier than I remember like in life.
Well you got to pay attention. I got uh he's he's, he's shirtless quite often so you can get a gander when I'm upset that you didn't really like those last few times. Jesus Christ.
OK, so this is the you bitches. Look, if this was so great, you come in and thank you for coming. I really laughed a lot with you today. Thank you. Thanks for having me. It was a lot of fun.
Best comedian on Twitter, are you only on Twitter right now.
Instagram and Twitter. And also be with me on Instagram right now. Yep. Both OK, yes. Hilarious comic.
Uh, make sure you check them out live in twenty, twenty four.
We're back on the road. Right. Well Andrew at the Comedy Store quite often too when things are normal.
And your podcast about what Brown Simpson beefs with Brian Simpson. Nice.
Hilarious. Thanks again for coming in. This closing song is pushed them out by beats, by Manola, by guys.
No know the man who put his own all into his own ass and then push them out, push them around his own, wind his own ass, and then push them out, push them around on his own wall into his own ass and then push them out.
Push out. Huh huh huh huh huh, uh huh. I like a little huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. I know what I like a little his own wind, his own ass. And then the man put his own wind of his own ass and then push them out.
Push them around and his own. To his own ass and then push them out, push them in his own.