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What is up. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. Wherever you're joining us anywhere in the world, you are now dialed in to what's going on in the world that's important.


This is your true news source, unbiased right down the middle, being objective, not playing to one side or the other. We're giving it to you how it is and you decide after you hear what's happening, unbiased and unimportant.


That's the kind of news we report.


Your mom's house news.


None of this matters, but it matters the most because it's it's what brings you joy. That's true. Yeah. Yeah.


That's all we care about nowadays. That's right. Trying to keep fun going. Trying to keep going. Come the fun going.


Let the fun train start. Choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo. Many of you have already decided to jump on board with us for our second live show, Your Mom's House. Live tickets are now on sale. The show is September 18th, 5:00 p.m. Pacific, 8:00 Eastern, World Wide. Here's the cool thing we learned. You know, you make you learn every time you do it. You learned because we were asked so many times for people that couldn't join us live.


Could they watch it after we fixed it? Here's what happens now. If you get the ticket obvious, you can join us live. If you can't watch live, you can watch for an entire week.


So you have a week with the videos.


That means you can watch it all the way until almost midnight on Friday, September. Twenty fifth or twenty six. I forget what the date is the following Friday.


You said Friday instead of Friday. He said Friday like a real talk.


What is it. Twenty four. Twenty fifth. So you have all the way up until then to watch it. It's going to be a bananas show. I mean you're going to watch this show.


It's going to be it's going to be good.


So I will, I will say, oh my God, if you haven't yet bought tickets, please show me that you like me.


OK, get tickets.


It's why it's why virtual dotcom. That's now the site that we will stream that live show. And also you can watch it afterwards there. We're very excited about so many surprises.


I mean, we have really we've really curated quite the lineup for this live show and I'm so excited for you guys to see it and join in.


It's going to be awesome. Get a special guest script.


We're shooting multiple original content like sketches for it. It's a whole new thing for us, man. So you know what to do with image virtual dotcom on.


Show me that you like. OK, and the tickets are there.


Don't be stingy, OK?


And don't be like I am a. Can you just get the tickets? All right, all right, so speaking of, do we want to go into the controversy?


We were once again fired. We were fired again. We were fired again. We went to four, four separate print houses. If you're one of the people that bought the Nadav is Googling.


The dad was Googling mousepad. Yeah. That that will say something different soon, which will be we're not here. It is being refunded because every print house that we sent it to was like we politely decline to print.


Now I was Googling lyrics.


I mean, is it the F word or is it the J word? I'm not sure F word. Oh, like what's tripping them up here?


I think it's F.J. combined. I think how F led to J. Yeah. Is what made them go. I think we'll pass on that.


That's too bad because it's really just out of love that we call him that and that, that we didn't call that.


That's grass kingdoms. Yeah.


But I think what I'm trying to say is it's born out of love, right.


For Nadaf. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when they didn't print it, we were like four different cell guys.


Just print credit or giving you money to print something. Just print it. It's and you know what else it is.


It's not only gay, it's gay and retarded.


Oh my God. You didn't have to take it there.


I think I did, because this is a safe space. No one. OK, it is a safe space. No, it is.


It's super gay and it's super retarded. OK, and and I like it. I mean, it's a mousepad. It's a mouthpiece. I know it's fucking it's upsetting.


Yeah. It's upsetting that they wouldn't I mean, I thought everybody also like that song was a hit and international smash hit.


People were dancing to it in country. Yeah. And you had thought of it.


Yeah. Yeah. So how many gay retarded people do you think exist in the world?


I don't know. Is it a huge demographic. I don't know. I don't know. Are you gay and retarded. Right in.


Tell us about it. All that's so. We need to talk about the R word. OK, um, yeah, we should get going here. So here's the thing. Men are completely retarded. All right, Christine. Yeah, dial it back.


Did you know that Christine is the new Karen? People are starting to say Christine.


No, I know this is devastating. Yeah, I did. Sorry.


Isn't it funny when an R word uses the R word?


Hey, are you saying I'm r word to say no right on me?


Um, I'm your baby mama, so that means your kids are forwarded. I was not saying that at all. I think you completely missed it. Oh, my word. Yeah, exactly. So, um, let's get started with the show here.


Here you go. Blow me up top.


Hello, I am Miles Partho and I'm going to teach you how to. Oh, floppy balls up against you like a whole lot. Randi, don't bring anyone to know about a nun. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Cipora and Christina. Please welcome to your. All right, I got my Gucci shades on really feeling it today. Oh, my gosh, you're wearing your fucking Prada shades are funny enough.


I spent two thousand dollars on these worth every penny, every penny. I am much richer. These are thirty five hundred.


But I can see clearly everything is so crisp and clear. Yeah, some people like made fun of me when I first debuted these and they were like, they look like fucking welding glasses. And I'm like, yeah, because you don't know fashion fucking stupid.


You're so stupid with your shitty round glasses you understand. And fashion forward.




These are expensive but they last for like a year and then you get the other ones, the newer ones, you know, it's fun to do is you buy a pair of like thirty five hundred dollars sunglasses and you just break them, you throw them on the ground and you do it in front of like a poor person. Yeah.


That's what we do. We go and we buy them and then we do it in front of homeless people. Yeah. Shatter them, pee on them, throw food in their face and I get to eat that fuckface.


So this kid I mean, this kid's a genius.


America's Got Talent. Why isn't this kid winning America's Got Talent, this kid? Let's let's take it from the top.


Hello. I am Miles. Part of my how to. Slap your balls up against your life, the fact that Miles took the time to be like, I need to teach people how to do this and set up a camera, probably on a tripod, his parents aren't home.


He's in the family's living room, I think, although that is a very bare wall, maybe he's a college freshman or something. I don't know. But they just that you have the intuition to do something like this. Very proud of you.


I agree. And it is a skill set because I don't think I've ever seen a man do that. Can you slap your balls against your legs?


I don't know. I mean, I've had it happen, but not on purpose, which is why I'm so excited to watch the next clip.


Oh, he's going to teach us when I show people this first they think, oh, what are you doing cracking your hip? Are you cracking your New Year's off? That's what I thought when I tell them what I'm actually doing in. Not here, sounds like you're showing chicks, you know, sort of cool dudes.


So what you want to do is actually wearing comfortable clothing. So your your balls get some, you know, move in space, you know.


Yeah, yeah. OK, if you notice, what I'm doing is I'm moving my leg over the way. Hmm. That's incredible to do. What I'm doing is you want to stand straight and what you do is you move you. It's like you see what he's doing. But when you get halfway in, you're on your lunch hour parallel. You kind of swing out like this. Brilliant. This kid's a genius. Yeah.


I mean, this is I mean, not only did he match this, he's he's taken it upon himself to be able to teach others. Yeah.


And that's really I mean, I think of civil rights leaders when I think of a man like that, I mean, I'm not just being like, oh, I feel this way.


Show other people preaching.


Well, like, Jesus, you can teach a man to fish or you can throw the fish in his lap or whatever. Yeah. Make him smell it. That's what I think a point is that I think he's teaching us how to fish.


I think of Jesus Christ. I think of. Yeah. Winston Churchill. I think of the the great leaders right up there. Dude, it's a lot easier to do.


And you get a very good noise when it's humid and sticky outside. It's very difficult to do when it's cold outside for right after you get out of the pool because your balls are kind of rolled up to be dropped. So I get a little bit swing in room.


So, you know, it could really kill. This is. Oh, yeah. Pierce.


Yeah. Maybe we should have him try this. I don't think he would. I don't even think it would take him a few seconds to go like this and then he would just be he probably play a song. Yeah.


You know, I mean, he'd be like, do you like Earth, Wind and Fire to just fucking start cranking up tracks?


Zeppelin that's pretty much it. Oh, you need to know about something. Oh wow. Your balls. Yeah.


That's the next song slapping your balls. Yeah.


There should be slap. Yeah. I'm really hoping that some listeners out there, some music production people are taking those slaps to heart thinking of a song. And then I also hope that the people that work here who appreciate their job plan on recording themselves, making the same video by next week. All right. So moving on.


Forget about WAPs. What about slapping your nuts? I want to see some ball slaps from this staff. I agree. Who can do it the best?


I'll say he'll be really committed to it the most. I feel like we'll see one hundred takes before Chris doesn't do this.


I see. I see quitter's.


I'm looking at a couple of quitter's here like I tried and then I see Chris being like, you know what stayed up all night. And I have a nice ball slap video for you, boss. That's what I think.


Yeah, I'd like to see that too. Yeah, I do feel like you have to be long and lean like he is. You have a lot of thigh meat there. Yeah. He's got, he's a long and lean kid.


I guess I won't be making one. Yeah. So um so check this out. I didn't realize I can't believe we missed this. It was pointed out to me it came in and hundreds of emails and comments. Yeah.


Remember the man getting carried out of the store by his son.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. He farted when his son picked him up. You're kidding. Yeah. Hey Mom. He's the man being carried out of the store by his son. Clearly farted while his son picked him up. Review the tape.


It's very audible. It's cool, though. Even the pros miss the details sometimes and forget to follow protocol when reviewing the material. Feathering it. Colin, I can't believe nobody here pointed it out.


But here it is for you guys. I mean, that's your job to remember this guy and producing the show.


These people won't hurt from us.


You know, it's right. He flips out like you're a dork. Now, watch this.


I wonder if so. Take some of it. Yeah. Clear as day. There's a squeeze and a fart. Oh, yeah, wow, he farted, you know, leave it to the mommies to leave, no fart explored. Yeah, well, I'm sure there was a lot of earbuds in and headphones and people were like, oh, they're not going to talk about that fart.


And nothing is worse than not acknowledging a fart when it happens.


It was when people. Me too. And like such a disaster, it's like it's it's so ridiculous.


I actually felt so guilty from not acknowledging that for sure, so that we decided to make up for it 100 percent. Well, shall we tell the origin story now or.


I'm saying I'm just telling the origin right now, you know. Oh, you mean like that origin story? Yeah. How how this whole thing.


Well, we went to dinner a few nights ago, socially distanced. You had to wear a mask. You sit outside outdoors. You had to show your Christian it was like a cool place.


They're like, make the sign of the cross.


I was like, yeah, yeah. Like, do you believe in Jesus Christ? The Lord said, yes. Is this a conspiracy? The pandemic is a yes we like. Will you set this Muslim guy on fire?


Poured gasoline, by the way, I have a promo idea. I want you to do this. Here's the promo idea.


I want Nadaf. I've even told you this to sit in a bathtub. OK, just hear me out. Sits in a bathtub. You don't have to be naked. It probably makes more sense if you are, but you don't have to be. You're laying in the bathtub.


OK, I'm following. So far, he's in the bathtub naked. We fill up the bathtub with gasoline. OK, so you're sitting in gas. All right. I'm walking around the bathtub, smoking a cigar smoke, blowing my smoke up in the air. OK, and then we have a VOICE-OVER guy talking about how the last live show got canceled, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, then as we go like, well, guess what, your mom's house live is back.


I walk away. I flicked the cigar in the air. It goes flips over like that.


It lands in the tub. Huge explosion, but fire and rescues right there. And they put it out like immediately. Yeah, crazy.


I love this idea. And that's just how they do it in the movies. Tom Cruise probably did this stunt a million times. It's perfectly safe. We're going to have a stunt coordinator. Yeah.


And they'll have fire and rescue right there. Put in a second. No, why not?


They do it in the movies is with VFX. So we'll have that too. That'll happen, too. I don't think we need to go practical with this promo. I don't think we I don't think it actually needs to be gas like this. Sounds like a fun concept. Yeah. I just don't think it needs to actually be gasoline. Why not?


It'll be a crazy explosion because we could just use water with, you know, with some dye in it and then do the explosion. There's much safer ways to do it. We don't even need a fire department official there. But the audience will notice the difference.


That's what I'm saying. We want to be real. And I also want him to get lightheaded, you know, because when you have gas and stuff like that guy from last week, like that would be kind of cool. See, in days like and like to see you being like, holy shit, I'm sitting in gasoline.


Yeah. Cigar's definitely going to like this. Yeah. Like the fear.


Like you can't you're not an actor, no offense, but you're not trained. So we might have to have real gasoline.


So the fear reads, I'm big on this. I am too. I love this idea. Tom. Wow. You're so smart, babe. Thank you. I'm so glad you're my baby daddy.


All right. So here's anyways, that's just a side. We'll talk about it later. You don't have to do it. But you know, you're handsome, Tom. I love you. It would suck if you didn't do it. So so we go out to dinner and our social distance place, we we had a lot of meat to be we did to be real and some nonbeliever's.


We eat our meat. Yeah, we, we have you know, I am twenty twenty. I had rhubarb soda. She was so fucking good homey. And rhubarb and rhubarb that sort of thing.


Rhubarb is it was like naturally made rhubarb soda with strawberries in it. It was amazing.


Really, really, really good. I had tequila, I've been into tequila lately so we um we leave.


And we kind of take our time leaving, and when I'm driving home, I was like, I got to shit, not an emergency shit, but like where the train has left the station. I mean, like where your body is going. I mean, you could drive home right now, but when you get home, you're definitely going to take a shit like that. That's the signal.


But here's the deal, is that you're so unique in your system because for me, there's only two switches I have to shit and I have to shit now or I just don't have to. Yeah, yeah. But you've got various shades of gray.


It's kind of like America's warning system for like terror threats. You know, there's a color scale. I think it's.


Yeah, it's like white, green, orange, red like it's like that's like.


Well, for the listener, I don't know if the mommies know the story, but I have discovered that he and I have different speeds of early on. Early on we were just dating and we were driving around Santa Barbara looking at just neighborhood houses.


We were we had stayed at a nice hotel and we went through it like, let's see, Santa Barbara. Yeah, we just picked around neighborhoods like these. Amazing. When we look at these amazing houses in this beautiful neighborhood and you're like, I got to I got it.


I got to shit. And and then you go, OK, yeah, la la la la.


And then we keep I was like, well let's go up and look at these houses and you like but I have to shit and I go right. So after we look at the houses, we'll go find a toilet and take a shit and you're like, I got to shit now.


OK, so how about in thirty minutes.


Right. But see. And you thought that was Norm. Why did you wait 30 minutes now? To me, when I feel the tug, I have to heed the tug. Otherwise the moment passes and I cannot shit.


Now here's I have a lot of different warning systems. So one of them, one of them is a real like all systems go code three, bring everyone. And that is that's fun. One that's like you're like, you know, that if you open your asshole everything out like water and shit and like blood, different organs. People. Yeah.


How, how do you know it's going to be like what are you feel it. I can feel it. I can just there's just I don't know how to tell you. I have little fingers in my butt and they tell me things, you know.


So what about when you did a tennis the other day.


Oh my God. That's a separate story. OK, ok. I'm sorry. I don't mean across this. That one is hilarious. Please don't forget. Let me. OK, so so far this one is trying to make it.


We're driving. I start I was like, I man, I go and I know that I can fart, I just know it, I know that I can fart, not ship myself. So what happens is I just know it and I start doing it. I'm like, oh, this is bad. I just know that it's building.


So then I'm pulling up to a stoplight. I'm driving and I fart five times in a row, which is amazing.


And they're like beefy, meaty farts. And and I'm like, this is something serious back here, you know?


So I go and then I roll the window down and there's people that are at the corner and I go, Hey, and they learn.


I go, I farted five times and they were like. What and I loved it, I loved it because I remember remember back when we lived in Silver Lake, you used to fart in the car and you would roll the windows up and it would be very smelly, not roll the windows down and go, oh, my husband farted.


Yeah, that was great. Now people tell people, but now the game is evolved.


And I think what's happening is that now you're so proud of your work that you have to let the world know and you can do this, too.


So what you want to do is you go to like a stoplight or something and you see people there don't pick someone who you feel is threatening and want you to get hurt, but you just you just want to kind of call someone's attention. You just say, hey, guess what? And they'll turn and be like, I farted. You know, just do it like that, like this.


And, you know, that lady did. She went like this. She nodded like she acknowledged it.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, ready. Because I guess what I started now, we didn't get too far too fast yet.


But you get the you get the picture. Take that off. OK, all right.


But it's fun to let people know. But you need a getaway. The point is that you got to get away. Yeah. Right after you yell it. Yeah. Because the fun part is just saying.


Right. Ideally what you want to do is you want to stay, you want to say it when you're still like the first time I did it, you're stopped, but you're about to go.


So you basically tell them they hear you and then you leave. You don't want to really do it in passing like that. Yeah, that wasn't a great I was just well on the way but. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, you get the idea, you want someone to acknowledge you, you know. Yeah. Yeah.


You need credit for your farts. Gene, when's the last time you got rewarded for brushing your teeth.


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So wait. So tell the Tennessee Brown. Oh my God.


So I've been playing tennis a good bit lately. You can tell by my hat. But anyways, I am playing the other day and I just, I, you know, I know something's wrong. I actually don't know what's inside. I just feel it off. I feel off. We're playing and and I tell him, I tell my teacher, I go I think, I think I got he goes, you're right. And I go, not really.


I don't know what's up, but I think I got to go to the bathroom. So he goes, OK, so I go, I tell you, just tell him I got to go to the bathroom.


Are you let him know I have to take a shower. No, I said I gotta go. Okay. Yeah. So I just go up and there's like a little, you know, clubhouse. Right. Like. So I walked in there and there's a girl working there who's like a teenager and she's wearing a mask and I have my mask and I go, I just try to like like walk around and I'm like, she goes, Hey, are you Tom Sagara?


And I was like, Mm hmm. She goes, I'm a huge fan. I was like, cool. I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.


She goes, Oh, it's like I have to unlock it for. I'm like, oh my God.


And I go, all right. So she's like, So you're playing tennis now. And she's like, taking her time. And now I know that I have to go to the bathroom, like, I know I have to shoot. And I'm like, yeah, I just trying to take lessons. She says, that's great. Yep. And so I kind of just I, I'm like trying to like, be nice, but I know I have to go.


I shut the door and when I sit down that's when all my senses are on high alert and I go, oh I have a disaster shit right before I flush as I go. And it is catastrophic. It is a level five like it's it's a desert and it's so smells so sick. It smells like a sick like you're ill you. Yeah. I mean like like rotten swine.


Like I know. I know.


All year I flush and then I clean up. It's a disaster. I flush again, I wash my hands as I walk out, she's sitting five feet away, so I shut the door quickly behind me and I'm like, and she goes, How often are you playing? I was like, I don't know. Not that much. Don't I try to take draw away from the bad, like she's going to smell this and she's like, oh, you need to sign up for another lesson.


I was like, Yeah, I'll call you guys, I'll text you or something. Are you the worst? And that's how I met her. I met her with like I'm a big fan. I'm like I take a rotten shit right now.


And, you know, she's going to tell that story to everybody, like, oh, I met Tom SEGRA and then he took a rancid dump.


But then here's the cool thing. If the person they meet are like a big fan of mine, they'll be like, that's pretty cool.


He's he's kind of known for that.


He takes big shit.


Yeah. Pretty cool guy. Oh, man. You got to meet him in, like, in his element. Were you in the bathroom with him?


No, no, that's true. It'd be like a real mark of a true fan. Yeah. You know, I got to know him on his diarrhea, but that's pretty cool.




Huh. You know, it's been really cool for me is that you've been romancing me like Ed Asner. Thank you. You've been saying stuff to me in his voice.


Like, I've been a little obsessed with it a lot.


I watched it last night after I put our little one down. Are you kidding? Watch the whole video again. Yeah.


That you've been saying it to me like, OK, Christina. Yeah. Show me that you like me.


Well, it's normal size. Show me that you like me. You got that beautiful smile. Yeah. How big a load I'm going to swallow.


Oh yeah. I love it. Yes. See all that. Yeah. He's so explicit.


I said the other day we were making sweet marital love and I said let me see all that. Yeah. And then I told you, you know, I told you to do it.


OK, you come.


He did we work out we were about to make sweet marital love and then you go show me that you like kept saying, come on, show me that you like.


Yeah, I'm like, oh, show me that you like me.


Uh, I was so gross. And he dancing expressions my favorite. That's what I live. Don't be stingy.


Yeah. He was saying that, Tom was saying that to me like I'll be stingy doing all the.


And then you called me a rotten dog the other day like in the kitchen I was like, babe, are we going to.


Because, you know, we, we, we just finally made marital love's like most people since your operations in that, you know, we were just flirting in the kitchen and then you're like, get out of here, you rotten dog.


And I'm like, oh, my God, this is like this is what it's like to be with somebody for fifteen years. They start calling you a rotten dog.


Well, I thought it was flirty. Flirty. Yeah. I was trying to say, like, you're you're nasty whore, right?


So I was like, why don't you go upstairs, you rotten dog, you know, because, you know, I thought that was a playful I you clean up, you dirty dog.


Get out of here like that, you know.


Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. You guys feel hot. You got your waps on yet from that. Does that make you hot and steamy down.


Pretend pretend you're my lady. OK, all right. And we just did it.


Hey, get out of here, you stinky rotten dog.


That that is what you do.


Yeah, it is what you do. You like it.


You like it, you dirty dog. I mean, is this what happens when you're with somebody you would never call me a rotten dog.


What happens or what happened. It's over. It happened. Yeah.


You need to get your shots and your Flemming's dirty dog eat out of the bowl.


That's a funny one.


That's a casserole sonra where that's my favorite porn genre where they have a lady who's like cleaning. Yeah. Something stuck beneath the bed and she gets she gets stuck beneath it. She's like, I can't get out from under the bed.


And then the guy comes up and fucks Oh I'm not seeing that sounds neat.


It's pretty great like that. An adult person would be like I'm stuck under the bed, I can't get out.


And then the guy's like, oh, really? Let me fuck you. Fuck you while you're stuck. Cool shit. So let's talk about good porn. We got an email from Sarah. Hmm. A subject line, Hitler's meth. I heard you all talking about naming meth. Hitler's meth brought me back to my childhood. My parents dealt meth in the 90s.


Oh, dear. Before you can sell meth, you have to cut it because the pure stuff will make people insane before adding the cut.


They called it the Hitler, which just means pure and uncut meth. So you all are right on that one. Oh, hey, thanks, Sarah. Sarah, I love to hear some more stories from you. Sarah, just so you know, our email inbox is open for you.


The whole question, I didn't know that uncute is a real problem.


Hey, that's funny that that Hitler's math was a real funny thing for people. Yeah. Somebody I mean, our insta cart delivery guy, as he gave me the groceries, he was just listening to you. And then he goes, Hitler's meth. Yeah.


And I, like, have a good day. These are my kids. So are you disguising yourself as somebody emailing and somebody emailed in with a very kind of you point? Oh, OK. This one's from Treston. OK, rotten dog.


OK, Tristin, it says, hey, please stop playing. Old people moaning especially old men coming. A lot of us listen to this at work and have to turn down the podcast because you insist on playing old men coming as funny as it is three times in one show. Questionmark.


Sorry, sorry, Treston.


Well be well, Tommy.


I will say I've got I've read some emails that people are getting talking to by their bosses and. Yeah. Yeah. So you don't want to play the show in your cubicle. Yeah. Yeah.


Also if you have any other old guys coming send that into because I think this is a great line for us to be going down.


It is. And also it's very unique. No other podcasts are doing this. I mean, I've listened to Rogen like you guys have. I've listened to God Save America and and DAX Shepard. They never play old guys coming.


Well, and it's a marginalized group that needs representation because black lives matter.


Gay lives matter. Old coming people matter to. What about the old guys?


They don't get their day. They're not allowed to come. This is ageist. We're not an ageist show.


I got another one here from Glenn criticizing my English. Are you ready? Oh, boy. It says, I hate to be the one that breaks the news. I tried to I tried waiting to see if someone else would write in about it or some would catch on. But with the utmost respect, I have to say, you're not quoting. Oh, sorry, this is a different one. I misplaced that other one.


Let me pull this up so we can explain if I chastise you the way a horrible spouse would.


Yeah, but this is a different this is a different email. So this is saying you're misquoting Rapke. Oh. Oh, right. Yeah.


This is you've given him they misquoted catch phrase when you say get off. He is actually saying Oh again.


Oh because he twice oh listen to the clip. He has already come and is winding down and then at that point he says oh again. Oh. Which kind of sounds like get off. I hate to be that guy, but take another listen. I'm sure you will hear it and understand my need to speak up. Thanks, guys. Keep up the great work. You're lighting my workdays forever. Feather and Glen.


So dear, to be clear, a lot of people have insisted he's saying get off. Yeah. Glenn here is saying oh again.


Oh oh oh oh oh oh wow.


I mean, this is a whole home here now you understand. I hear it now I hear again.


Oh yeah. Oh. I mean it would be like cutting off your own word.


Like he's not clearly saying again, but he sounds like he's going, oh, you could be like he's going oh again. Like almost saying again.


But he's you know, I say stammering through it all.


But you can also still make the case when you get off, you know.


But you know, what are the only one that knows we may have to talk. Yeah.


Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, what do you guys hearing is going to be talking, speaking with us shortly.


Are you teasing some. Hmm.


Mr. Robert Champion. What are you saying here.


Come here. Oh OK. I love that.


We'll play that for him and he'll be like I to say, I'm going to come a second time. It's like oh oh again.


Oh, that makes sense. Now I hear you hear it too many.


I'm surprised you didn't. This is the one I am going to pull up. I'm surprised you didn't critique me. You're sure this person claims that I am not talking good here. You don't talk good. Yeah. Oh OK. So this is this is what they're saying. They're saying, Tom, don't mean to be a buzzkill. Tom has been fucking up. His English grammar in a confident and embarrassing way for years now. Oh, wow, I even recall him incorrectly correcting someone on this on multiple occasions.


I was watching your most recent special with my partner. At one point you say the phrase, I feel badly. Saying I feel badly is the same as saying that food looks deliciously or you look beautifully. You are using an adverb or an adjective is actually appropriate. Fuck me dead, Tom. Please stop saying I feel badly. Google that shit and sort it out. Piss on me, beat me. But use your fucking words correctly. You God damn amazing dumb ass tallie.


You do.


You do. Do not do you. All right, let's see what it says here on the Google machines. You make that larger. I can't read my mind.


OK, see, feel bad is the grammatically correct version when describing that you don't feel well physically or emotionally, like all other sensors can double as an action verb or linking verb where it connects the subject with a clause describing the subject. Something can look delicious but not look deliciously. And we feel sad and and not feel sadly feel badly is likely hurt often due to the adverbial use of bad and examples like it hurts badly. I feel so badly about correcting their grammar or weight.


I feel so bad about correcting their grammar.


Which one is it? Feel is a verb. It shouldn't, so shouldn't. What comes after it and look like an adverb. The answer is no.


Um. Like or look, feel is a linking verb, that means that I feel that it's correct, just like I feel sad. That looks delicious. You know what I think it came from for me is that somebody said I think it was that I one time said, I do it quick. And somebody was like, you don't say I do think something quick. You should say I do it. Do it quickly. Quickly. OK, so maybe that led to me.


But now I know that I should say so. You should never you never feel badly about anything. You always feel bad.


Well, I think maybe if you say I feel badly about something.


So that um. Is it does it ever say you can need it badly, right. Yes. You need it badly. Oh, yeah, because they assume it's a similarity to OK and, uh, it's not I mean, it's just like there's so much written here. Yeah, probably not entertaining to listen to.


Let's just listen in the frame of the grammar. Well, just let the grammar police do a good job. All right. I'm going to start now. I feel bad. You know what? Someone wrote in to me saying that I. I speak like a HONGO and then I instead of saying I n g I say the sound so something or you say it again instead of saying something, they say I say something, something that I say I put a K instead of I don't think I've ever picked up on that something.


I'm sure. I mean I talk like a retard too.


I don't know. I'm all over the map. Yeah. All right. We need to talk about the R word. All right. Um, we're just running along on this episode right now. Uh oh. This is important.


You remember, I was very, very into this, um, uh, this man's video. It really, I think opened my eyes, probably opened a lot of the viewers and listeners eyes to what's going on in Denver now.


In previous videos, this is actually the figure of a naked woman and the crotch is formed by a shirt for this sign.


And the penguins cage constitutes a phallic symbol and represents the male genitalia.


Yes, I have been watching the blood of the lamb understand that phallic worship is satanic and evil.


So there's more which is I'm real happy about this. Um, this is really cool.


I haven't yet I didn't dive into this video, but when I saw that it existed, I was like, just put it in the folder. Now we can actually do our dive.


This is just a brief commentary on a new Flaig created for the Obama campaign. Up here on the left, we have the official logo of the Obama campaign. That's a big ol, which, of course, stands for him. And below that, there are several stripes which indicate the homosexual movement.


In other words, the rainbow flag.


And below Obama's logo, we have two stripes and three stripes, which look much more like streaks of blood. Now, some people don't like this kind of perversion of the American flag because it is very satanic. OK, and of course, as my subscribers know, the true stripes over three represent the Antichrist to over three is the number point six six six.


Oh, wow. This guy's got real.


Very much of the designers of this flag really knew what they were doing. Oh, that's nice. I don't think they wanted a satanic flag with satanic imagery, but maybe they consider that perfect for the Obama campaign.


This is awesome. This is the best video. Please do your do your due diligence, do your homework here and get us more of this guy.


This guy is the best. He makes all kinds of sense. That's what I'm saying. He has a really weird accent. Right? I think he sounds Canadian to me. He says Flaco. And then he.


Well, how did he get pheasants to walk behind him doing this, which is really are those pheasants?


Mm hmm. Mm hmm. It's on his farm is amazing.


It's on his Antichrist farm. Well, who says Flaig will be part of the word is Flaig?


That's somewhere in the States, though. That's an American. That's like some Midwestern accent, like a Minnesota thing or so.


Maybe. But I like. But I will say that that's not you know, it's it's all green screen behind him.


He put those birds behind. Yes. And that it's wild. I don't understand why he chose that as well as the flag.


Well, maybe you don't understand symbolism and Satanism dummy that go up, that you're not a Christian. You wouldn't understand the things.


I'm a fucking Jew. Yeah. Yes. And I also doesn't have, like, lesions on his hands and neck.


It's very obvious from doing the work of fighting fucking Satan. You think fight and Satan doesn't come scars.


This guy is so awesome. I would bet you anything that he runs for government in some capacity.


He could know he's like a city councilman. Yeah, I like he might give this what would be awesome. The only way that this video could be more awesome is if he was actually doing it at a public like a city council where they're like, you know, we're thinking about putting a statue and a fountain in the park.


And he goes, I want to talk about the Obama flag that has been seen all over town, encouraging Satanists. And they're like, I'm sorry, what?


And he just goes on.


He's like two over three, six six six pretty laid out. And they're like, All right, sir, we're like, that's someone's fucking neighborhood right now.


Like, fat smoker used to go to those local government. Me, it is kind of a dial down Fred smoker. Yeah.


You know, smokers over the top. This is actually like Crazy Erpenbeck. But in a different package. Well, he's not manic, right? So the packaging is different. He's crazy as fuck, but it's like, yeah, it's like Ed Asner saying this kind of shit to you. Were you like, oh, it kind of makes sense when he says it.


Like he has a lot of this guy approach you, you'd be like, oh, this is just like a nice old man. What's up, man? He's the demonic horses outside all I want.


And then obviously, two stripes over three stripes divided on two is a Satanist campaign run in your town.


I'm like, I don't know, maybe he's in Iowa.


Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.


But obviously that's an oh. And then the three stripes represents what? Homosexuality. That's right.


I love that.


I love the hidden symbols because you can actually say it about anything, you know, like you could be like you see the William H thing here and obviously the yellow throughout symbolizes how the Jews and the banking system are intertwined.


Pentagons pentacles everywhere, squares, rectangles, the shapes of the demon. I mean, if that's what you want to, you know, it's just what they mean. So I can't I can't tell you what to do. I'm meeting with the symbols.


Mean, OK, guy, he's so sincere and he's so dialed in. Yeah. How do you, um, there's a cool guy who has a you know, sometimes the cool guys get real mad at people wearing masks and sometimes there's a spin on, you know, here's a spin on it.


This short message is for all you guys to keep whining about why you can't wear a mask. It's too hot. I can't breathe. It's uncomfortable. You know, when you say things like that, you just announced to the world that you've never had a woman said on your face, you know, I mean, no, it makes perfect sense.


I kind of dig them. Yeah, like thinking of.


Yeah. Uh, speaking of, you burped into your mask the other day after we had, I believe, was it Korean food then.


And there is nothing worse than a gnarly finale.


Have you been burping into your mask? You wear your mask out and then you just you forget that it's on, then you're like hope and then you're like, oh my God. Like it's like it's like puking into your own nose. It's like it's so. All right. Oh, it's disgusting now.


Especially like after I eat like chips and salsa and then I put on that Maskell's smelling my dogs.


Oh God. I know it really. It's like a fart man.


It's like if you ever see those videos or someone like has a fart tube on like this and then and the guy's like, I just want to smell it like you're doing it to yourself.


I know it's so vile. So does it really make someone's dick hard to sell?


There's people out there who are like, I would love nothing more than if you would just burp into my face right now.


I know we're so fucked. I know this is this is one of my favorite things.


OK, look at this guy is use this song right here.


There's a dog check in on him. Yeah, he.


We go. I love like I love everything about it.


I love the setting that is like an old picture of him holding a guitar. You know, I love that he fell and came over and growled.


And then the sweet, bright, calm wife comes over. Yeah. Oh, it's fantastic. This is awesome. Like 20 years.


Twenty five. That's next fall. Talk about it.


Feels like we're aging in dog years. Well, I like how it all happens in slow motion too. Like you ever have one of those falls that you know is happening as it's happening to you. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, but you can't stop it. You're in it.


You just have really a random thing is you just you just really hope there's not a camera. But like, why would you post this?


Maybe, maybe he had a sense of humor that later I don't know, maybe the dog posted it. Yeah. Um, what's the last one I wanted to show you before we break here?


Greathouse what a sweet little house it looks like to. Yeah. Although it is rather narcissistic to have an old portrait of you on your own.


Would you do that. Did you far.


No, I just got excited about this. Oh, here's the thing. A lot of times I just know I haven't seen the clip, but I just know. Yeah, I can tell by the way things are labeled. That is going to be fun. OK, so check this out.


OK, I'll give your body. Are you fucking retarded by the time this spring is just going to be over here. OK, you're telling me I can't buy them. For what reason. Cash, transaction, cash. Either side service like everyone else is doing fine. I don't do have I pay cash, cash, money.


Do you understand how little girl you know does something else. Well you guys on drugs when I'm missing something like I think, you know, I'm not a vacuum now wait.


So he's allowed to say it and then someone says, oh are you. So they said and then he's like, watch your mouth. I love that. Yeah. I can say whatever I want to. You say even a hint of something back.


I mean, you watch your fucking mouth, they start over like there is a crime right there in your language. I'm not repeating it. A company wide policy and also corporate requires. And I'm telling you, I cannot wear a mask, I'm medically exempt. Do you understand that? No, thank you. This is Mr.. And you don't know what you're talking about the pool at all. If you're what? Is he just a bit like he's in swim trunks?


Yeah, no topics like tolerance. OK, so what did you say?


Your husband let me have a good look at you.


Oh. The strong, bad vibes, you know, as we say, I'm going to have some fun with this one out of his mind.


Holy shit, he's going to kill. What did you say?


Your husband let me have a good look at you. Oh, God. Oh, wow, now, see, I told you it's going to be watching the fanny pack.


Another thing he is doing, the old school waistline hide vibe where you hide your hide your waist.


Yes. And you put it up over your like you see in the 1940s, we're like men never worked out, so they just pull their pants up over their gut. Yes.


Well, my stepdad used to do this move to a fat Indian guy and he had a huge belly like a hard Buddha belly and halfway. Don't do what I do. You let it hang.


OK, and you earned it. You're not fooling it. You don't get to hide it.


He's a real crazy eyes and it's crazy beach vibes. So there's like there's crazy.


And then there's Beach Dog and we know this breed well. Living in Los Angeles, crazy dudes are fucking insane. Yeah. These guys will survive a pandemic. Oh yeah. Nothing can kill this guy if chuffing.


Have you been to Santa Monica now? The only people left are crazy cockroach people like him. That's right. It's all fucking hollowed out.


These guys just live in the sun. No sun block ever. They fucking sleep and sand with crabs crawling on it. They fucking smoke marijuana. Cigarette.


Yeah. I mean you sharks you could give them a fuckin handle of of whiskey and he'd be like, I'm fine. What do you want to do. Like he could drink that for Barack there. Cockroach people.


Definitely. Oh this is about to get called. Check it out. Oh, are you filming? I absolutely.


Oh, oh, oh, and then it cuts off. Oh, come on, guys. What are you doing to us?


Because she goes. Absolutely. I mean, she was like, this guy's about to kill me. She turned it off for me. He probably was like, give me that footage.


And she was like, oh, shit, where is this?


Is this looks like L.A. It has strong L.A. vibe, I would guess, like beach city vibes. It really does. This, bro, is like Santa Monica vibes. Yeah. Damn, yeah. He's got a real crazy beach guy just who's a lunatic.


All right. We have to take a quick break. We'll be back soon with a wonderful guest by Jane.


You've probably heard me talk about brucke linen sheets and yes, they are as amazing as I say they are. People are like, do you really sleep on them? Yes, they're fabulously priced. They're great quality product. I buy them for people as gifts. But have you tried, Brooke, linen towels?


Oh, Jean and I use Brooklyn and towels every day. How much do you love so soft?


And here's the thing. They really draw you. They do really dry. Yeah. They're so comfortable. I mean, why not spoil yourself? I want the towel to feel nice. I don't want a rough towel.


I want a soft Brooklyn and towel and it just turns your bathroom into a spa experience. They're so plush. It's like the perfect hug to start my day off. Right. It's like a little you're doing great. And you know what? They're cozy and warm. I believe them. So Brooklyn is the perfect place to find all the comforts for home, including ultra soft towels. And they are so confident in their product that everything comes with a lifetime warranty.


Use promo code mom for 10 percent off your first order at Brooklyn and Dotcom. That's B are OK. I n e n dot com promo code. Mom, that's how our kids say my name, mom, Brooklyn and everything. You need to live your most comfortable life.


This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Rakan. I'll tell you something. I just had an operation. I had a hernia and a vasectomy and they chopped everything away and I wasn't allowed to do much fitness wise. But take a walk. You know what I did? I got my Reykjanes out. I put them in and I went for long walks. I was able to listen to music, listen to podcasts, make phone calls, all with my recons.


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And he's also a great hiker and a friendly man and he's here for us right now. Welcome back, Kevin Nealon, everybody.


Wow. Thank you very much, everybody. That's an honor to revisit. I call it Reavie and show me that you like me. Yes, yep, yep.


And it's my first Reavie.


I believe this is your first review at the old studio. This is the first time here and said bye bye to the studio and then rewrite the new studio. The going well it's going so well with so many memories already already have nouns of memory.


Yeah. Yeah.


I think you'd be doing this, you'd be sitting in a studio in the smack dab in the middle of Valley. No Angelas know doing a thing called the podcast.


Dude, first of all I think back sometimes to so we we're coming up on later next month. Next month will be ten years of this podcast of the podcast. And I remember when it started being like, like, I don't really want to do this. It's not really my thing. And to think that, like, now we think of it as our top priority, like even when we've booked TV film stuff, we go, OK, well, we have to be able to schedule the podcast stuff, you know?


I mean, can I tell you, I had the best memory of this TBS show a while back, remember? And I'll never forget the producer. She goes, well, you're going to have to live here. You have to stay here for like three weeks in this hotel. And I go, I can't do that. I have to do my podcast. And she goes, wait a minute, you need to tell me you're going to pass up doing a television show for a podcast.


And I. I was like, yeah, bitch, because my podcast, more people give a shit about. Yeah, yeah, it's so important. It's true and it's more fun. I've held off for so long. I'm doing a podcast. I do no hiking show. But that's a web series of. But that's kind of the thing. That's kind of a similar thing, though. It's similar, but it's not where you sit in a room and you talk and talk shit.


Yeah, it's more of a visual kind of, you know, but whatever. But now I'm close to doing a podcast. Yes.


And you should. Yeah, you should I. But I held off so long because everybody was doing one, but it was like everything else was like stand up. Yeah, everybody's doing it. But if you're good you'll rise to the top. Right. And people will find you and they will like your sexy arms because I feel like you're showing those off.


But you will have to give in to the illusion that you've been like kind of perpetuating for years that you're tall. I stood next to you six inches shorter than me. How did you fool so many people, you think?


Well, I think it's a perception thing, yeah. You know, I was just telling somebody they're talking about David Zucker, one of the Zucker brothers. You know what they did almost like The Bachelor movies and Airplane. And yeah, I love Airplane. And I auditioned for The Bachelor Party, a Tom Hanks movie a long time ago, and a friend or somebody I knew was cleaning out their old offices at Paramount. Yeah, I'm think the drawers and they found a casting sheet for the bachelor party with my name on it.


And the only comment and the comment box was tall to you in in this bit you learn this.


I mean, you always hear the rumors about it before you work in any type of Hollywood thing. But then when you come here and if you book jobs and you meet people, you're like, well, is everybody like as tall as a fifth grader?


Like everyone is so short and so small that you really become an anomaly, you know, and when you meet a tall actress, they climb on onto you.


They love you. Yeah. Yeah, they want to where are you available to work. And I mean, you're going to be you're an actor, right? Yeah. OK, I've had a tall actress tell me that she had to tell wardrobe. I told you this. Yes. She told wardrobe because that wardrobe lady before we shot this thing was like, you know, doing the fitting in this shirt in this jacket and then got the actress who's like six feet tall.


She got her heels and the actress was like, I can't wear these in this movie. And the lady was like white. She goes, because I won't be in the shot. I'll be out of the eyeline like I'm six feet. And all these other actors, are they good? So she had to tell. And I was like, oh, she was like, I didn't think about that. She's like, yeah, I'm a giant next to all these people.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.


See, I don't think about it that much for me because, you know, I'm in my body the whole time and. Right. And I don't think of, you know, I don't have the complex at short people have. Yes. You know, I don't think I'm free.


If I was an inch taller, I'd feel freakishly tall. Are you. I'm I'm a high range of five.


Eight to six four depending on the film. But I'm about six four.


But when I see something really super tall. Yeah, I'll see. I mean, why am I that tall. Yeah.


And I'll stand next to them and they'll be taller and I go I do the exact same thing with morbidly obese people.


I do.


I swear to you, I'm always like everybody who's overweight. So I always like God if I can hate myself and then like I'll see like a relief and I'll be like, am I that fat? Yeah. And depending on how she feels that day, she'll be like or she'll be like, you're fatter than that guy. I don't say that.


But I do do that where I find like a woman who's got enormous tits that are really hanging and she's really old and shitty, I'll be like, Babe, babe is I what I look like? Because, you know, you don't you think you look a certain way like I took passport photos yesterday or the day before and I was like, holy shit. Yeah.


Bad. You know, I, I know, I know. Yeah. No bad lighting.


And like worst is when you were looking at your cell phone and you hit the camera and it's automatically a selfie or something bad and you're like, oh, that old fat guy, I was terrible the worst.


And then you see because everyone's now on TV doing zooms and Skype calls for everything from news shows. And then there's people who have their laptop under them for the television show. And you like to get some books. Yeah.


Lift that shit up angles, bro. Harrell's all about angles. Yeah, all angles and Gucci sunglasses.


I don't know if you are into Gucci. Did you want to first of all, have to be careful. Don't break these. OK are thirty five. Well yeah. Because you don't anything about fashion. Those are thirty five hundred.


Are you serious. They're because they're Gucci. They're brand. Yeah. Let's see. Oh.


Oh my God. Oh my God.


You look so it's so cool.


So fashion ski goggles. I mean full coverage.


Yeah. In Milan I mean. OK let's see. OK, hold on.


Oh wow. Oh my God. You got to wear this for your height. OK, show the do me a favor.


Yeah. You audition for anything coming up. Show up like this. Really you guys.


These are your sponsors. Well Cuchi I wish. That is that's you just gentle, gentle, gently, sorry.


I really feel I feel responsible with those. It's too much pressure. I know it's a lot. I could wear my sunglasses under those.


I guess that's the point that you let extra cool. You look cool on top of cool.


You know, isn't it funny the way fashions just change like you look at the 50s and the way they dressed and the 60s and I mean, who creates these? When are we going to go back to? Because my father always brings up that when he was a kid to fly, people wore a coat and tie. Yeah, it's like, yes, put on a coat and tie and a vacation. Even like a guy that works in a warehouse.


Yeah. He's like he's like, oh, I'm going on a plane. That's because they thought they're going to die.


And that's what they were in the coffin. Right. Because when you're going like on your you could possibly die. Yeah. You want to look good. That's that's good. Really.


Well, when they board though, right, when you board and you see people boarding and you're like you're just like eyeballing people walking down. Oh yeah. And you're like, OK. So just to be clear, we're doing like the OAP, the loose necked tank top.


So you got your arms hanging our armpits, shorts, flip flops or house, and you have a you know, have a moral house, slippers.


And then you went as far as to grab a hefty bag to put your stuff really cool or someone brings their bed pillow.


Yeah. Like disgusting bad pillow girl was with you.


I think I saw a girl wearing. Yeah.


Crossing the street and she's wearing her home slippers but like walking across the street, it's not going you know, I really can't get on board with this because I'm kind of guilty of that with a pandemic.


I almost wore my pajamas here today.


That's my. Yeah, but you're Kevin Nealon. Yeah, sure. That's tough.


But, you know, think about these Vegas performers back in the 70s when everybody showed up in a tuxedo to the show. Oh, my. Jacket and tie. And now they come out and they see guys have flip flops and shorts in the front row. And yes, just the two drink minimum. There's no waiters. You know, you sure can't tip any fancy maitre d or anything. No, I know you're right.


And like, the thing is, like is a performer, there's always kind of this a kind of old school thing to be the best dressed person in the room, like they're all watching you. But these days it just takes like a fucking polo, like you put on a collared shirt and you're like, oh, shit. Yeah. You dressed up like, no, I'm just I'm wearing clothes of uniform, though.


A uniform really fools people. Because when you see if the doctor came into the emergency room wearing, you know, the shorts and flip flops and. Yeah, like, you know, my mom's house T-shirt. Yeah. You're going to get it's just the doctor. Are you sure he's qualified? But if you came in with a white coat on or, you know, scrubs, you're right.


Uniform the same with a pilot. The white shirt with the because I flew private with a friend of mine and his pilots were just wearing regular clothes. I thought these guys qualified.


So like I from you know, that is.


So I'll tell you, when I gave birth to our second son, our regular pediatrician couldn't make it. And and the doctor showed up wearing flip flops and jeans and like a button down Hawaiian shirt. And I go, this is the doctor. Wow.


And I said, get the fuck out of here. Send this guy. I go back to Hawaii, send him back. I go, this guy doesn't have the sense to dress like a doctor. I'm not going to let him.


I remember this room. Yes, I remember this because I was under yeah.


He was like, I'm doing the rounds. And I was like, I mean, are you making sure people cleaned up and stuff? What you do, you buying around you like he's like, no, I'm doctor. I'm like, no, that's so funny because you see somebody dressed a certain way and you're just like, there's no way that's your job. If you're if you this is how you look. Yeah. I feel like I've met doctors off duty, you know, on vacation or, you know, at a restaurant or something.


And a lot of times you're like, oh, I see that like this the way they carry themselves or something.


You know, you're usually skinny, long and lean. Yeah, I had a I did have a neighbor when I was a kid who was really overweight and of all like things in the medical field. He was a cardiologist. Oh, wow. I was like, so you tell people to fucking right.


He's back on the extra food. We have those arteries. I was like three hundred pounds.


Like I went for a physical last year and I called my doctor like five days, four days later for my blood results. I like to follow up on that. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Like what you're like, you know, you're supposed to call me, right. Yeah. Yeah right. And he's in his car going to drive through a McDonald's and he's in the middle of ordering our coffee and he goes five sugars please for the coffee.


Five sugars.


I thought, oh hi. It's it's Kevin Nealon. Did you get my blood results back.


And it's crazy. I just think. Yeah.


You want your money man. You're looking good. You know, I get your sodium is really high, but I you know, I got that to worry about that. Yeah. Well I so much.


Candy, do you have any irony. Any time I hang out with doctors they come to my shows, um, they're usually there's a lot that smoke are nurses. You smoke. Yeah man. Go walk through Cedars when he was having his procedure done I would say. That's insane. It's insane. Here's a pet peeve my wife has, yeah, when you're getting surgery and you call it a procedure, it's a way of softening it.


She doesn't like that. I like that. I said I'm going to call it a procedure. I said, I'm going to I'm going for my procedure next week. I can't do the things. First of all, it's not a procedure.


Are they cutting you? Yes, that's surgery. Surgery.


Wow. I wonder what the distinction is in the medical world where the procedure is could be any like a nose job. It could be a kidnapping.


Yes. Well, because you're proceeding you're going to proceed to do it. It's a whole thing. It is sort of been getting diminishing the severity.


It is. But we love to diminish severity in this area. This is there a difference. Surgery is always use from a medical perspective where there are some operations carried in different fields. From a medical perspective, surgery refers to a procedure that involves an incision on the body.


So surgery refers to a procedure.


OK, as a cutting procedure is I don't know, I don't problem with her. I like it.


You know, you talk about guys coming in their street clothes to deliver a baby. When Jeff Daniels hosted Saturday Night Live, they're doing a life mask of him in the makeup room because he had to play Jay Leno with big fake chin. So they put the plaster all over your face. They call it, I think, a death mask, and they cover everything except for your nostrils. So you can't hear you can't see your hands are under the plastic.


I did a once for Jay Leno, too, and I passed out in the chair and I think I'd be smelling salts and I did it again. But I developed claustrophobia from it for a long time. So when this happened to Jeff Daniels, like a year later, I you know, I empathize with my and that the head writer came up and he says, did you hear what happened to Jeff Daniels? It's Friday night doing the show the next day.


I don't know. What happened was somebody sabotaged the mixture, the cement mixture of the the death mask, and they can't get it off his face. Shut up. And he had a five o'clock growth, a beard, and they couldn't pull it away from his eyebrows because it grabbed on to everything. And all that was open was his nostrils. I'm feeling faint now, just talking about this and they trying to pull it back and pull water down and they put straws in his nose, but that only cause a nosebleed.


And so he had red blood all over this, you know, pristine white mask and they couldn't get it off of them. And if he threw up, he would have drowned in his own vomit because he couldn't get it off. What they end up doing, they'd have to take a crowbar and smash his teeth.


Oh, you're messing with me.


How else are they going to get it off what they do? Is there a solution like Lorne Michaels, the producer knew a couple of plastic surgeons. It was a Friday night. They were at a party, called them to come to the studio from the party and to help get this guy out of the mask. So they came with Exacto knives. They pulled the mask back a little bit, enough to get the Exacto knife down there and cut his eyebrows off each one.


And they got that part off. And then they go down to the eyelashes and they had to gingerly cut it off. And they pulled that all the way down below his nose. And now it's all the five o'clock beard. So it's all stuck. They had to give him shots of Novocain as they gently pulled it away, you know, centimeter by centimeter until it's all off. And then he comes up the next day. His face is all blotchy red, no eyebrows, no eyelashes.


Did you hear what happened to me?


What happened? Holy shit.


But his wife heard about it. I heard. And she was in the hotel and she had to run into the bathroom to throw up. She was so nauseated by the whole eye, let's be honest here, that is the word that if that happens to so many other people, there's no show Saturday, right? Like there's like Jeff Daniels, that was a rare thing. But I'm saying like he's the person that the horrible thing, he can like his attitude.


I'm saying, yeah, I was able to like, hey, you know, yeah, he could go on. Yeah. But there's a lot of people that would have been like, oh, they would have been a wreck.


Did they figure out who had sabotaged the formula? Well, this theory is and I don't know if it's true, but there was some of the makeup department that was fired.


And as a grudge, you mix the things together and wish you had said it was an actor so much, but it was me, like, if I couldn't.


That is the most horrible stories I've ever heard. Thank you.


Sandler didn't get a sketch in that we rumpy that is not.


Could you imagine them gingerly cutting your eyelashes away from the thing, hammered plastic, plastered half in the bag. Because I've done those plaster cast of like my body or my face.


It is really it's terrible. But you can feel the seal when they go, when they go in and take it off and you're like, OK, I'm coming here.


It heats up. It heats up. And that's can feel you. That could smother you. Yeah. Because you don't have any sensation because you're you're hearing in your mind eyes and and I tell you I developed claustrophobia. I would too. I couldn't go through the tunnels in New York to get on in New York. Holy shit. I had to like have a headphone on and a headset. And if a plane got stuck on the tarmac, I would you know, I would be terrified.


You know, I never thought of myself as being claustrophobic. And then later, like in my 30s, started to get like, panicky in certain situations, enclosed spaces, small elevators. I bet you're a good sweater.


Do you see what I so sweat? He'd be a great panicker. Oh, man. And then I just had been years since I had an MRI and I had an MRI recently. What happened? Well, I just even as we're getting in there, I go because my dad had an MRI a few months ago and he had told me he's he's openly claustrophobic. He says it.


He came out, he came out as claustrophobia came out and he's fully transitioned. Came out of the closet. Yes. Good. That's good for claustrophobic. Get out of there. The sooner the better. He was a man over.


So and my mom, when she goes, oh, they gave him a Xanax to chill them out.


And I really and I was so in my mind, I go, that's part of like part of the offer, the routine of doing this. So I show up and I I'm I'm starting to get a little jittery about it. And I was like, all right, so we're about to like, go, OK, you know, put all your belongings in here and then we'll go to the room and I go, hey, so can I get something to, you know, for the kind of the anxiety of it, you know, like.


Like what? I don't know, like a Xanax or something. And they're like like what you gave my father, you know, they go, did somebody drive you here?


And I was like, no. And they're like, we can't give you anything. I was like, OK, so is this over now? And they're like, I mean, do you still want to do it?


So what I did was I told them I go, I feel like I might freak out. So I had the the noise canceling headphones on. Yeah. And I, I close my eyes and I told him, put something over my eyes and just I'm going to not like try to not acknowledge where I am. That's smart, you know. So I just talked to myself basically and just tried to zone out and almost fell asleep. This is before the procedure.


This was actually surgery. Kevin, just to look at it to my my shoulders started, like, really bugging me. So I ended up having that MRI. And I do have a torn labrum, but the that's in the vagina and it's in my what I have it in my labia and in my shoulder because my lady, my labia hangs. That's very loose. Yeah. Yeah.


So, you know, the funny thing is I have a turntable and I go oh. And he goes, if you were like twenty one I would say you should have surgery. And I go but and he goes but you're not so you don't need it, you don't have much longer to live.


And he's like you don't need it. And then I do have an inflamed AC joint. Is it cold here. So he was like we could give you a shot, you know, cause all to kind of make that go down. But but I love that the MRI revealed that I do have a torn, you know, labrum and they're like, but, you know, to do anything about it, I was like, oh, so I am feeling something wrong.


And that is wrong. Is that part of the rotator cuff?


I think it's where the the balls it goes in the socket there. I thought that was a car part.


When you said rotator cuff, I didn't even think. Yeah. What's up on the Googles.


Um, how about image. Where's the image. There we go. There it is, see, there's the big ball right there. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's terrible. Let me show you my big ball. Yeah, yeah.


Oh man, I thought you were about to give us a good stuff.


You know, this is it, man. This is it. This is what's going on with my I had my my ball in soccer replaced in one of my balls. And it's now I mean, they just they just took the whole thing out and they put this doorknob in.


Oh my God. You kind see what the black part. Oh wow. That oh. Oh. Can you go through that.


That black thing is what was put that put that in. Yeah. What is that was what. Your bone before it was worn down. It was worn down.


Arthritic. Arthritic so is bone on bone. For a long time I couldn't get a shirt off of the you know, the closet shelf. Wow.


And so look at that. Look what's in his shoulder now they cut the bone out and they have special pieces made, custom made and templates this guy was really getting into. Show me how he does it like he was training me to do the next surgery. Yeah. And I'm not really good with blood and stuff. And he wants to show me pictures on his cell phone of one of the surgeries and he starts to show me, I thought you show me family pictures or something.


I'm thinking, oh, OK, I can't see that, you know.


Yeah, that's like me showing him, you know, pictures of hecklers. Yeah. Yeah. It's not used to that. Yeah.


I'm a little disappointed this photo of your shoulder only got eight hundred likes. Uh, kind of shoulder guys. Can you get some eighteen hundred followers.


That's every single that's a great like just turnover ratio. Yeah that is great. Yeah that is that. There it is right there on that.


Oh yeah. Damn yeah. That's a big one man. There's my belly. And is that Kirk Fox and one of those photos there. No.


Oh I love. Oh yeah exactly. Yeah. Your paintings are.


Yeah I like to paint her. Oh yeah. It's great. He's great as my Tilda Swinton right there. Yeah. She's such great. There's my doorknob. It's like a top. Is that you're going to see Joe. Joe.


No, no Justin. I can't tell. There's Chris Rock. Chris Rock. Yeah. The you draw that. Yeah. Yeah. That's really good. Kevin you drew that.


Yeah. I'm, I've been painting during the covid thing. All those pieces, all the artwork up there is my stuff there. It's amazing but it's incredible.


Thanks man. It's I do a lot of stuff Tom, but nothing really good. That's really good man. Pretty good artist. Pretty good comic. You know, I'm a pretty good pilot. Just can't get off the ground. I don't want it to go in the play.


I'd like to show that to Chris. It's good. No, no. I mean, I might have tagged them. Oh. So he might have seen it, but I haven't see a good cast mate. Yeah. Good. Yeah.


Yeah he was, he was kind of like he came in the second wave with like Farley and Sandler and Spade and those guys. So they were kind of, you know, there was like an age difference there. They were like the, you know, the younger, newer guys and they were off in another wing. And I go over and visit them and they'd be like like visiting your kids on the dorm like this, pizza boxes on the floor and everything.


And, you know, Playboy magazines everywhere and rock. I remember I had an office off of theirs, but his was like really organized, you know, like Malcolm X posters on the wall and Martin Luther King books everywhere, you know. Yeah. So he had his stuff together, but those guys were just like talking about their triumphs the night before and bedded. And, you know, they're animals. They're they're totally animals, man. Yeah, yeah.


That was like that. You're that cast with you and all them.


That was the you know, that was my dude.


I was there for so long. I was there for nine years. So I saw it was like a prison, not a prison, you know, stint, but it was like seeing inmates coming and going. Right. You know, and I saw everyone from people you only remember being on the show like, you know, Sarah Silverman, Ben Stiller.


They were on the in the cast. Yeah. Yeah. But Sarah got fired after the first season. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a lot more. Yeah.


And Stiller, I remember the story with him was that like he came, he showed up, he. Right.


Did a little bit and then he opted to go do his own show. I think so. Which I think is a real fucking ballsy move for a young performer. Oh yeah. Yeah. To get SNL and be like I think I would do my own thing. Well, there's people that wanted to be on that show and break free right away and become a huge star. Yeah. And it's very frustrating when they didn't because it's an ensemble show. Right.


And plus the stress of the show too. I think, you know, put people in a position where they they really wanted something to happen quickly. Ah. They would feel like they're failing. Yeah. And I didn't have that, you know, because I was never a sketch player to begin with. I was a stand up. I just happen to get on the show. And so I was just happy that I wasn't fired each week, you know, think, oh really.


You want to go another week.


OK, OK. And and then after nine years. I think I was just tired of it because I was going out and I was doing sketches of other people, like with food in my mouth still from the craft service table. Yeah. You know, I'm doing my thing and I'm like, well, you know, I'm doing a scene with Tom Hanks or something. And I thought, maybe I'm ready to move on to something.


Well, that's the thing, is that when you get to hear about people's experiences on that show is the first of all, it's like six days a week, right?


You're working 12 hour days, six days a week. So it's physically grueling. And then all the mind games and all the the bullshit stuff that happens. I mean, are your adrenals just shot from having been on that show for nine years?


It does burn you out. I realized early on that it wasn't a sprint. It was a marathon. So I didn't beat myself up if I didn't get a sketch on and I was only hired to be a feature player, which means guaranteed seven shows out of twenty two and a writer the first season and then the second season, I was offered the opportunity to become a regular cast member. Or you could just keep your writing credit and be a feature.


And of course I took the regular cast member and continued to write but didn't get credit like everybody on there that, you know, the cast member. And I'm glad I did it because, you know, as great experience for me, but I know I was not like a lot of those other people.


I was, like, happy to, like, be working with Steve Martin or, you know, Mick Jagger to watch them play. And sometimes they stay after and they play a little concert like Eric Clapton or whoever, you know. And I got to work with these dinosaurs that are no longer like Robert Mitchum and Charlton Heston, you know, and musicians that are no longer around like who's the guy that's saying Pretty woman Roy Orbison? Yeah, Roy Orbison.


I always imagine just the anxiety, like, oh, I'll hear about, you know, new cast hiring's or something. I'll just talk to somebody like you. And I'm like, man, I. I try to picture how anxious and nervous I would feel like that first week on the job of like, hey, we're all in the room now.


Oh my God. Did you have to. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean I remember doing my first sketch. It was a Mr. Subliminal, it was a character idea and it was kind of complicated because like two conversations going on at once. Right. And. Or five seconds away from coming out of the commercial break and as my first sketch and I'm in Studio 8H and Lorne Michaels, the producer, comes up and he puts his hand on my shoulder and he says, Are you sure this is what you want?


Oh, my God. And, um.


And what I mean by that, like this.


Like he was being funny. OK, yeah. At the last minute like that, you know, there's no backing out now. Are you sure that's what you want. Yeah. But, you know, I always saw like nobody's watching the show, you know, you do things to psych yourself out. Yeah. Like what you did before your procedure. Yeah. And I just I just assumed that nobody's watching the show anymore because it almost got canceled the year before and they a pretty much a whole new cast.


So I thought, OK, nobody's watching the show. The only people in here are the people that are seeing the three hundred people. I've played the bigger rooms than this. Yeah. And then there's cameras and there's no film in those cameras. Yeah. Let's just do let's pretend everybody. Yeah. And so that's how I got through it.


What I always imagined was the most stressful. And I may have even told you this before, but I you know, there's a thing where like we're sitting around pitching jokes. You know, if you're with friends, there's a certain way. But like if you're with like there's a thing where you could pitch jokes and like, just really throw out a dud. And, you know, if if you feel like being snarky, you can look at the person next to you or just feel like, you know, you can react.


So I always because I've never seen it or anything, imagine the intensity of that pitch room of like everyone in there would be like, hey, what are you working on? And you're like, so I got this thing. And like, how you can probably bomb so hard. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's like bombs. Well, here, let me set up the scenario for you. Every Monday afternoon, you meet in Lauren's office on the 17th floor at 30 Rock with the host for that coming week.


And he sits in the big leather chair in front of Lauren's desk. Lauren sits across from him with a bowl of popcorn and water and everyone else. The entire cast squeezes into the office. There's plenty of other rooms that are much bigger, but we're doing it in there. There's not enough seats. Everybody take a stand against the wall, you know, and I still do it like this. I think so, probably. And and Lauren goes, you know, after we do burn our hellos to the host and they said, well, you know, we've got to you know, we have some ideas for you are John Malkovich.


And we feel, why don't you start? What do you have? Well, I have this idea where, you know, and everybody pitches their idea. And it took me a while, but I finally learned that you don't pitch an idea that you're really excited about, because if nobody laughs, it takes all the wind out of your sales and you don't do it. And it could be a really good sketch. So I would pitch the same phony sketch idea every week.


It was a runaway truck stop. It was seeing those things. The gravel. Yeah. On a downhill. Yeah. For trucks that lose their brakes, they go down that path and the gravel slates that I do it every week, every week. When they call you out, wouldn't it be like, come on with this. No, they kind of got it. They kind of got it. They thought yeah he does want to give up the good stuff.


And the host always kind of liked that idea. But none of them ever asked me, hey, what ever happened to the truck stop idea? Yeah. Yeah. So it would be like a bar at the end of that truck ramp.


So if the thing is like you say that on Monday to just kind of by you and then when do you reveal your actual.


Well, you reveal the actual thing. If you're writing alone, you reveal it when they read your script on Wednesday and the table read, OK, and when there's a big stack of scripts that takes like four or five hours to get through. Oh, my God. And you don't know where your script is in that pack, you know. OK, and so that's how it's done. Holy shit.


It's almost all on. So you could pitch in the room and let's say Lorne loves the idea everyone loves. Is that like a green light? Hey, you're doing that on Saturday. I mean, it's good.


There's some good things about pitching something that people like because then they'll say, why don't you team up with the head writer? Because they want to get it done and they'll kind of keep an eye on it and see it through because it's very difficult to get a sketch on that show because there's only, I think maybe ten slots for sketches, maybe I don't even remember. Oh, you guys pitched like one hundred things. Yeah. And you go in heavy on the dress rehearsal.


I think there's two or three extra sketches that they're going to cut after the dress rehearsal. And you find that out when you go into Lauren's eighth floor office right before, you know, in between the two shows and you look on the board and you don't see her on the index cards and you realize you've got cut. But, you know, it's a process. It's a procedure, a procedure procedure.


And, um, so I find that the best advice I can give a newcomer on there is to always include the host in your sketch. And if you can, Lorne Michaels.


Oh, then for sure it's going to go because he wants to do it. That's funny. Include him. Yeah. Because how often would he appear? I feel like every once in a while. Every once in a while. Like a hall sketch or something. Nothing like as a character thing. But more is playing himself and he's into that I think occasionally. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean he likes, he likes show business. I don't let them.


Yeah, yeah.


That's such pitching is always tricky in the writers room for a minute I worked on. Chelsea lately, and I guess you have to learn it's an art form of learning, like who's going to like what you're saying? How's she going to react? Who's going to greenlight what her sensibility matches and finding an ally? It's so political.


I remember I wrote for Ellen once for the Oscars. Oh.


And this year I didn't really talk to her at all. That's the writing process, but actually. Right. And what was that noise? Wind coming through?


And she, you know, and I was pitching I wrote some really strong jokes, but we're like two months out, you know? And I was excited to be writing. I was writing these great jokes and, you know, really gold stuff. I send it in and I think, OK, they should be happy with that and they were happy with it. And then a couple of weeks goes by, it gets a little stale. Another joke comes in, they'll take that joke.


So I learned that if I ever do that again, I would throw in some, you know, truck runaway truck stop jokes.


In the beginning, the red herring wait about a week beforehand, a couple of days before him, and send in the big ones because people get excited about something.


And then in show business, the minute the excitement dwindles, it's like out of sight.


It's in the tired. It's an old joke after a while. Right. By the way, you are a fantastic joke writer. Like I was telling Tommy the last time you and I did Spade's show together.


Yeah, you had. You had you had me laughing via her. And I didn't even can tell the joke. I'm sure I completely I don't I can't even do it. Were you talking about the article we were referencing? Was somebody donating money? You said, I don't want Miss Money around Emsley. And by the way, I call myself anonymously.


I donate. I, I don't put my name down because I don't need that attention. You know, it's not really I'm not after that. I just want to help. So I just always write Anonymous, you know, I signed that. So whenever you see the name Anonymous on a charity list, that's me.


That's me. I'm such a funny joke.


That's so brilliant and so brilliant. And it makes me hate what I'm doing so much because then you're like, oh, I'm not that clever.


Like that was that was like two or three layers of a joke. Man, do you know what's interesting, too, is, you know, I have this special coming up. I'm doing Lifestream for rustics dot com on rustics you're being serious.


I thought you were telling a joke. What is the real thing. September 12th. Awesome. Yeah. And it's it's going to be Livestream and Brad Paisley is going to be my opener. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And he's going to be my house band. And it's Saturday, seven o'clock September to a specific standard time. Wow.


There it is. It's up on that board there. Yeah.


It's called Kevin Nealon behind the mask because it's also pandemic related. But also even before the pandemic, everybody kind of wore a mask. You know, everybody wears a mask. They're not really telling their real feelings about things. Yep.


So, um, so during the pandemic, another thing I've been doing besides drawing and things like that is I've been doing something I put off for a long time. It's been really difficult for me to do. And that's to watch other comics specials, you know, because you see them all the time in the clubs. And, you know, it's a lot of levels. You don't wanna be influenced. You've heard everything, you know, you know the tricks and all that.


And but I've been watching some really good ones. And, you know, people are really talented, Tom, including Tom's. You know, I told you a couple of months ago I watched Jaws and how good it was. Thank you. But I was just watching because I haven't done a special like seven years. I've done two for Showtime and it's been a while, but I wanted to, like, see what's out there and watch every aspect of the production.


How they're shooting it. Yeah. Who directed it? The lighting, the venue. I know Chapell always has like a little catwalk because you look around him, you know. Yeah. And then material wise too, like who's just been watching Bill Burr for, you know. And I'm thinking I'm so unlike these people, you know, I'm not a ventor. You know, I don't have social commentary. Yeah. Mine's more of a silly kind of observational thing.


You know, this is a great thing, though. It's good. It's good. But, you know, it's not the kind of comedy that people you don't go down in history as a legend, you know, like a Chapell. Right. Or something like that. Or you're really making statements or rock. Not true.


No, I, I actually think it's the I will give you examples. I love, um. I love Phyllis Diller. I love she was just a joke, joke, joke, joke. Fun like keep it. You don't know where she leaned politically. You don't have a big statement. Don Rickles. I think one of the funniest people, you don't know where the fuck he stood on anything.


It was a different era then, too. I think, you know, it was less political back then. I do think that I like to look I mean, I like to look at comedy like going to the movies in that when you go on a typical non pandemic year and new movies come out on Friday. Yeah. And you go to the movies on a Friday. And what do you see? There's a drama, a comedy, an action movie, a thriller.


There's something for families. Right? That's what it is, is like it's a variety of. Choices for a variety of people and stand up is I like to think of it the same way where, you know, there's new specials out and it's like, well, what do you like an angry ranter type? You know, do you like oh, do you like somebody who keeps it loose and fun?


Do you want clean? Do you want, like, super x rayed. Like it's all it's the same kind of thing. We're all there's there's room for all of us and there should be a variety of it, you know. There should be.


You're right. You're right. And there is room for everybody. And I know that and I've even watched specials were Chappelle would do the belly room as a special maybe 150 people in there. And then I watch Jack Whitehall with, you know, it's more of a silly kind of stand up, show up Wimbledon. Yeah. You know, with thousands of crazy crazy.


So it's you know, and then that's the thing is that any style of it can be wildly successful.


What's the one that the young guy who just did not tell Tommy John? Again, I always think it's Tommy John again. He's the young kid.


Tommy's great, though, to be fantastic. You know, he did Radio City Music Hall.


Oh, John, John Moine, John Mulaney. There's a guy to like. He's not offending anybody. He's not out there saying crazy stuff. And he's a huge yeah. He's a huge act and he's great.


Great. You're so many great comics out there. So are you. So many great comics.


Yeah, but you think about that, though, right? The the, the going down in history thing. Yeah. I mean, you think you know, I used to tell Garry Shandling, I'd say, you know, Gary, when I was younger I was a stand up. I was very excited to be on the road because I think, you know, I would think to myself, I'm building a career. One day I'll be filling up Madison Square Garden.


I'll be like Steve Martin. I'll be, you know, doing these huge venues.


But now it's kind of like unlikely that that's going to happen. He goes, you don't know that. You have no absolutely no idea. It's totally possible still. Yeah, and it's true. But, you know, when you've been doing standup for a long time, you are continuously looking for ways to excite yourself. Yes. And you're always looking at where you are and in the scheme of things and other comics and what people are listening to and listening to, like I started going back to the clubs like, I don't know, fifteen years ago, you know, after weeds and stuff.


And and I started seeing all these new comics and this new not a new style, but just a new kind of like attitude and, you know, delivery from comics. And I thought, this is really good. You know, I don't really appreciate some of these comics. I don't get it. You know, I don't see with, you know, just angry. And then I started to watch more and more and I started getting it the way people kind of reacted to them.


And but then I started comparing my some of my jokes to that. I thought, I'm just like old school. I don't think so. I don't either. But at the time I did think that. Oh, I see.


Yeah but but I mean I had my thirteen year old son like died last night and had to be good and it's got to be good, I mean because he's kind of got a good sense of humor. And we started watching this show called Love on the Spectrum.


Oh we've seen it all right. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. I love it. And none of them are upset when it doesn't happen.




And the other thing is, you know what the best chance you realize, as most of us out there in the world, like from a dating perspective, you go on a date or something goes, what do you want out of this day? And you're like, I don't know, like have fun, maybe hook up or so. And then if you talk to the person, you what you're doing is like you're kind of dancing around things and you want the person to like you.


Yeah. And then people on the spectrum around the show, they were so direct that it was so refreshing to hear somebody go, what do you want? Like I'd really like to fall in love and spend time with somebody who's happy and I make them happy and yeah, holy shit, I don't think I've ever heard anybody say that, you know, or even their likes and dislikes.


I think artistic ones are better than anyone. So they don't like toys, video games.


I like I don't like hearing people too loudly to break it. Yeah. Yeah. Like cats eating kibble. Like I like those because those particulars are really what, what marriages are made of.


And they always ask the same question I asked when I take somebody. Do you still live with your parents?


Yeah, but for me, like, I'm always amazed at the end of the day where they shake hands or a light hug. And they said, well, I enjoyed this and I hope you know that maybe we can see each other again sometime. Yeah. And then if it doesn't work, they say, I don't know, I would be devastated. I would never stand and hold.


Like, I would never handle it as responsibly and maturely as they did. Like when they were like, I don't think this really worked out. I was like, you fucking said that.


Like, I was like, yeah, I'll call you later. Yeah, sure. Totally. Because I would I would get devastated if I went out with somebody for even like six months and they broke up with me. I remember I broke up with a girl after six months once and I just kind of got out to Hollywood and I was auditioning and stuff. And I McDonald's commercial audition for for a Big Mac where I had to cry and she just.


Broken up only me two days earlier. So I go there. It was on the break in Hollywood and I go in there and it's like American Idol, the judges sitting behind the table, like for them. And I get up there, I do the script. And where it comes the part to cry, I was wailing, oh, baby, you know, tears coming down. And they were looking at me like, oh, my God, that poor guy, Owen Wilson.


And I got a call back four or five weeks later and I'm kind of over the girl.


Yeah. You know, so I had to bring her eight by ten with me and the phone message from the machine and play it over and over. And I went in there and I could not bring the tears again. So she screwed me twice. Did you book it now?


Fuck, God damn it. No. How's your show? Are you OK? Yeah. You got pain? No, no.


I tell you what I really like about hey, you guys have to forgive me for something. What do I have to post this thing right now as part of a deal I have. So. All right.


What's the single thing? You guys OK? Oh my God. It's true. And it has to come up right now.


Larry, are you putting in. Are you making a book? Are you betting on a game or something? Listen to spread. All right. I know. Um, so I wanted to ask what you like about me.


I like everything about you. I do. You know what I like about you. You are a fantastic joke writer. You're one of those genuinely funny people like Tom tells me where you guys talk about on your walk.


Not all of it. Not all. Not like everything. Like how you.


And I'm like, oh, that's such like the essence of a real comic. I just I love it. And I also love that you married a funny woman. I think that's fucking rad. Oh, there's nothing like comedy.


Well, I mean, were you married to a regular person before? I was married to a stunt woman, huh? Yeah. So she didn't appreciate my comedy and I appreciate her falling off of the second floor.


Was it scared me.


Yeah, that was a great thing. About like when I went to drop her off after first day, it didn't stop the car. I just drove by her house. She rolled out. So how long have you been with?


Well, Thursday it'll be fifteen years we've been married.


Oh my gosh. We're fifteen years together to nineteen total. Wow. That's great. So fifteen is Krystal. I was told this morning.


Kristen, do you ever call her a rotten dog. No, no.


I'm just telling you that. Yeah, well hold on, hold on. Me a rotten dog and that's better than anything. But wait, wait, wait, wait. I was flirting. We had made love. Yeah. And I was just like of the name. I was like, hey, you dirty pig, you're such a slut today. And she was like, hey, you know, don't you get upstairs, you rotten dog that you know.


Anyways, that's one of the perks of being married to a comic is that we are wildly inappropriate with one and we're undefendable.




That stuff, by the way, is excusable when you're being aroused. Yeah. And but after the climax, you cannot say that.


No, you can't. I don't have to step out. Yeah. Oh, I'm really sorry. Wow. This is really crazy.


I'll tell you about it in a moment, but OK. Do you want us to continue without you. Are we finished. I'd love to but I'll be in. OK.


OK, well have fun time. Are you worried about Tom area psychologically. I mean him leaving and well emotional thing thoroughly must be a big deal.


He would be so mad at me if I did this. He's got to sweatpants on.


He's relaxed, he worries good sweats for you. Do his laundry. Never. And can I tell you something. Not never have a housekeeper.


Have a housekeeper. And even before we had one, I refuse to because I did it for another, an ex-boyfriend.


And then I became then you become mommy. So I set the precedent very early. I don't do your fucking laundry. Does your wife do yours?


No, we have a housekeeper smart now, but. But do you guys want to do my laundry?


The housekeeper does want to know.


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Do you. What what comedian things do you have. Like are you guys undefendable or are there boundaries with you.


There are boundaries. Yeah. Like she doesn't like to be the butt of a joke. Yeah. You know, and I've learned that early. Meaning you can't talk about her on stage professionally.


She's in some cases she is. Yeah. She's cool with it but and then some places where I'm kind of putting her down she it's not cool in the act. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.


You know what's interesting is when I do stand up, if I even kind of do that with Tom, the audience does not like it really.


They do not they they I mean I love him clearly, but they don't want to hear me complain, like if he is messy or, you know, he doesn't hear children crying in the night. Like, my husband just doesn't. He doesn't. He's crying. It's amazing.


He doesn't hear anybody crying for help.


No, I've been crying for help for the last half hour and he just sat there texting on his phone. Oh, just the texting. Yeah.


So you get angry when he texts it takes out his phone a lot. Oh my God. My wife doesn't like that.


I get so mad at him and then he gets mad at me for getting mad at him about it.


For me it's like sneaking a drag from a cigarette. When I get on my phone, I have to go around the corner to, you know, you know, check my Instagram and then put it away real quick, real quick.


And now does she check her phone in front of you? Um, not that often. In fact, that's one of my pet peeves. She's not on our phone enough. Like, I'll try to get a hold of her. I can't reach her, does it?


And it throws me into a rage when I dial Tom and he doesn't pick up, I take it prevaricates.


He's always on the phone. Yeah. Like you bitch.


You know you're there. Yeah. Like who doesn't see you. Are you listed as ice.


I mean because in case of emergency.


Oh here's what I've learned, by the way.


Speaking of emergency contacts. Yeah. When you go to a hospital and they ask you for an emergency contact, you know, somebody they can call.


I always tend to put somebody I just met down because it's a real nuisance and a hassle.


They have to come and pick somebody up at the hospital. Right. Why? You know, why not give it to the Uber driver to come and, you know, pick me up?


That's a really smart idea. Yeah, I like that.


That's what I do.


So does your wife appreciate your sense of humor or is she so over you after fifteen years?


You know, it's funny. She does appreciate it and she loves it and but she doesn't always get jokes that I wish she would get. Like what's a zinger she did.


Oh it could be anything, it could be a joke that I you know, I'll, I'll say a joke to her and she'll go aha. And I'll say really crushed last night at the Improv for that show.




Like I understand you want the acknowledgement and recognition that got big laughs last night. Yeah. Yeah. But you don't seem to get it.


I guess Tom always tells me he goes when I tell he he'll run something by me and he's like if it upsets you or you don't like it, I know it's going to be an ace because I don't find him, because to me it's just like one of his regular thoughts because it's so twisted.


It's not even a bit. I'm like, that's that's too normal for you.


But yeah, like there is a bit I did when my wife gave birth, you know, had all but I'm the birth and being there and she's not like this or the doctor, you know, I was I didn't want to be helping with the delivery because I'm not good with blood or placenta or things like that. And the doctor was kind of give me a play by play of what's going on, you know, and this and that. And, you know, and now that, you know, the head's coming out, you can see the top of the head.


It looks like a gravestone with some, you know, purplish like hair around it. And I said, I don't know.


I think that's always been there, you know, and she did not like that, rightfully so. So I dropped that from there.


Yeah, that's really funny. I like that. Yeah. But people will say to, you know, she'll have friends say, well, you really like, you know, patient with him, let him do jokes like that, and then that kind of puts plant the seed in her head, you know. So I shouldn't be doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


Because I think in the beginning Tom and I, that was a limit to. The first time I saw him say something about me, I was like, if I could do that, don't do that. That's the sanctity of our home. And now I'm like, I don't care. I say, where. But he beat you on a set somewhere. No, we met at the cat club. On a strip club. Yeah, I used to be.


You didn't know that that I was a. Yeah.


Cinnamon cinnamon you I'd be the worst. I was imagining for a minute. Yeah. You know. Oh no.


It's a cat club. Used to be a music club owned by the guy and some guy in the stray cats and then they had comedy nights on Saturday and they met Tom. Where was that upper sunset like pass to, you know, where the Laugh Factory and passed even over there.


Yeah, the Comedy Store. Yeah. And he was like 23 and I was 26 years old.


We met shut. I know. What's the age difference now is it's still three years, but yeah.


There it is old. Oh, I don't think it's there anymore. And that logo look kind of familiar.


It was cool, man. It was, uh. Yeah.


I met a girl once from the Kit Kat Club, uh, which was a strip club. I used to bartend at the Improv.


Yeah. Every night I have to make a bank deposit after I closed up and I took all the money, put it in a canvas bag that had a lock on it and I would drop it off and I'm coming home. One night I dropped it off. It's like two thirty in the morning and I'm coming up Melrose toward Paramount. And there's this girl walking in the middle of the street, staggering. And she's all kind of beat up and know Jesus and she's walking from my car to stop me.


And nobody else is around me always like two thirty in the morning. And she's drunk and she comes alongside my window and I roll my window down just a little bit. She goes right when you know and I roll it down a little bit more.


She goes, they beat me up, they threw me out of the car.


I said, Oh no. I said, Can I bring you to the hospital? You know, bring me. She comes around all of a sudden she gets I need a ride. She gets in the car and she goes, bring me to the Kit Kat Club.


So she wants me to take her off at the club and she's going to, like, fall out of the car, all beat up and they're going to think I did it. Oh, my God. Yeah. And I said, I can't bring you to the Kit Kat Club.


And she goes, I have a gun. I said, where is the Kit Kat Club?


So I drive her to the Kit Kat Club, I guess is on Santa Monica, I guess I know exactly where it was. Yeah. And I drive her and I go around the corner and I so nobody will see me and I open up, I lean over and I open up her door and she just kind of rolls out, oh my God. And she gets up and walks in. I take off and then the next morning I'm cleaning my car out was a Datsun B to 210.




You know, and I found a matchbook cover from the Kit Kat Club, I guess, with her number on the back.


So we you know, we started talking at the club, you know, so we told them we met at the where I met Thomas. Yeah.


You met at the Cat Club.


I met this girl, the Kit Kat Club, and he goes, Oh, you were a stripper. And I was like, Yeah, you didn't know. Yeah. And for a minute he believed it.


Oh yeah. But I mean, you should have seen her. She looked like a straight up ho when I met her like she. What was she doing doing. She was jerking this guy off outside. Is that true inside or outside. Yeah it was outside.


I saw her outside. She wished she had on Knee-High boots, fishnet stockings.


She loved smoking a cigarette. Three. Twenty six. Twenty six.


Yeah. And she was like and shit you know, blonde I think she was was pulled back and leather jacket and she was like, what's up bitch. I was like hey you call him bitch.


You've been. Yeah.


Pretty much a lot of attitude. I did have a bigger, a bigger attitude back then.


And you were dressed fishnets, but I had I had a knee length skirt on it, so it's not like I was a hooker.


And what were you doing for a living back then? Working the streets.


I was working as a sales assistant at World Link Media, I think.


OK, like selling, you know, helping someone sell media airtime for on the phone. No, there was computers then. Yeah. I was like it was a bullshit job doing infomercials and Tom was just a struggling comic.


Oh my God.


Not a comic by night. But we weren't even full time. We were still having daydreams. Oh yeah. I was working in post-production at that point. Let's see, when I met you, I might have been I might have even not even had a job yet. I might have been interning still at Kopelson Entertainment. And then I worked as a logger on all these reality shows. Like what was it like? You look like a longer but not that kind of like.


I know. Yeah, he does. Extreme Makeover. Oh, really? My big, fat, obnoxious boss. So you got to log every episode they made and who they send the tapes.


Well actually they didn't send them. It sent a person on a on a flight to bring to a halt because the tapes were too valuable so they wouldn't have to transcribe everything.


Yes. Oh you must be a good time. And there was I'm OK. But there was a there was a there was a team of us and better than there was a team so much faster that would type them. And then I became a lead logger, which I guess is nice.


That was the money, right? The front of the log I like. Oh my God. Because that also meant that I could be your lead logger. You could just be like, you guys need to get this done, OK? And and then walk away and be like, you don't type. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


And then sometimes if, like we were behind then my the postup would be like, God, you know, you know, I go I know. I'm just trying to because are you going to jump on and you know, I guess help to get this done. I'd be like fuck. I like yeah yeah yeah. No I'm going. And then I would just have to bring in a smarter person.


What is your ideal job right now?


Logging. I'd love to go back. You'd like to go back to logging. I mean, I really love what I do. I mean, this is it. You like what you're doing. I do. I mean, I have said I really do like features.


Would you like to be like a movie star and feature film? I like features.


I like it much more than television, for I like the idea of diving. I like diving into a part, telling a story of the movie. And I love movie schedules. Like I like that you commit to something really hard for five weeks. Yeah. And then it's over. Yeah. Yeah. But I know that like the job security of television is great, like, you know if you have a season you're working and stuff. But I prefer doing podcasts, stand up and just jumping into something, you know, every once in a while.


That's what I like.


Features. I see you working as the grease monkey on the Fast and Furious movies. I would do that. Yeah, I would do that. Because you love cars. I do like speed cars.


Yeah. I just had this McLaren from recasting. You had McLaren McLaren. Six hundred eighty spiders. The new one it was. What are you looking forward to. Coming out. Coming out.


Uh what do you mean coming out. Well, well you know these car guys always know about the next big car that's come. Oh I thought you meant like he's going to come out as. Yeah.


That that's what we had. Transgender would be a good name for a car. I love transgender. Transgender. Yeah, I had that for the weekend. We had a red one.


It was so rad. It was she was like it's always funny when you're like, hey, this is good. I'm always like, what?


I know I don't usually like these fancy cars, but I really enjoyed writing.


I do want to drive the new Roma, the gypsies. Do you know a car I loved as a kid? We lived in Europe and we drive around Italy and stuff. I'd see those little Alfa Romeo. Oh yeah. Verticals. Yeah, those cars.


I've seen a little more of like infatuation like segment pop up with those recently. I go to like these kind of. Meet ups, there's more alpha males now. I think they're getting like, you know, coming back. Yeah. And, you know, the new Corvettes look kind of nice. Amazing, amazing.


I mean, they went through an identity problem for a while. They're about a 20 year identity problem. But then the new like the new C8. I think people if you're not if you just kind of glance at it, you'll think it's a Ferrari. Yeah, yeah. Definitely.


Definitely. But what about the new Tesla I love not the new Tesla, not the model S, but the there's the monster. Yeah.


That thing supposedly they said that that is going to be zero to 60 in faster than a rocket. Two point three seconds or something. Yeah. It'll rip your face off, they'll rip it off and then they'll shit on it and put it back on. I'll be like, wow, that's that's what I thought of the perfect job for me.


I would be a standup comic.


I love being a standup comedian, but with transport beams like in Star Trek where they go without the travel being called Zoom, I now but then I bet then you can interact with the audience.


I would also love to shoot adult scenes when I'm not like I think I'd be a good performer. I'm not like, you know, I mean, I'm not I'm pretty strong.


You're a strong performer. Let me tell you something, Kevin. He's understated. He's toms a lot like me. Yeah. Kind of dry.


He sneaks up on you, sneaks up, sneaks and he's he's erections are very powerful.


This is what I'm saying. So I walk in the room. Right. There's all these like porn pros and they're like, who are you? And then I'm like, you know, I'm kind of new in the biz. So I show up and they're like, Yeah, you're not exactly in shape. Let's see what you got. That's your dick.


But then I'm like, Yeah, but it's going to stay hard all day. Like even after we're done shooting, we like, you know what, that is a commodity and we can really use someone like you.


Do you think you could do an adult scene? I mean, you think again right away. I'll need a little time. Yeah. Pressure.


I you know, I have done sex scenes, you know, like on weeds, on one of them was a auro erotica thing where you thought I was going to hang myself because I was lamenting about what was going on in my life. And you can see the rope hanging from the and then you find out I'm just like, check it out.


I've never laughed harder. You know, she knows me so well. I've never laughed harder than that movie with Rest in Peace Robin Williams, but with The Sun Father of the Year or Dad of the Year. Yeah, that opening scene, I laughed. So she was like, you got to watch this scene. I go watch because you go when he's like he's about to come to his dad like a kid in his right mind. Waxing on the sun.


Masked world's greatest dad. World's greatest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, yeah.


It's like, what the fuck. That's wrong. So I don't know that I was it was. Was that weird. Oh no. You're like no because what about a sex scene. I always feel like I've done sex scenes with the mainstream Elizabeth Perkins. Make it, you know. Really. Do you wear the sock?


You know, you wear a sock just over your partner, but you have to wear like now what about your being mine with the kids?


OK, yeah, but it's more of a it's more of a pouch. A pouch. Yeah. Yeah.


Is it like a G-string like that pouch. Like a pouch pouch moves on. You do right. Yeah. Yeah. Stays with you. You tuck everything in their arms and then you pull the strings really tight.


Did you get a boner. No. Really. No. Because you are you nervous.


Um you're trying to remember your lines and stuff like that feels good, you know.


But did you ever see Bucky Larson.


Yeah, I was in that movie. Wait a minute. Remind me about Bucky Larson. David Spade space. Bucky and Bucky comes to L.A. to be a porno star that night, but he's got a really small penis. But the secret is he's constantly ejaculating. He'll give them the money shot whenever they want it.


Oh, right. Yeah. Swardson Sward.


Yeah, I played his roommate well, but yeah, I don't think I could be a porn star. Maybe I could be background. Yeah. What about stuntwomen.


You think you just come in and then it's not trouble. They don't, they don't ever show your face or anything.


Um no. Because I really want the attention. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'd rather be the guy that can't finish it and they just show my face frustrated and. Yeah. Yeah. So you've had your mask on when you got here. I appreciate that. You know, there's mass hysteria in every direction, right. There's people that are like so I want to show you some footage we have of the way people are.


You know, I'm a big believer in masks. What's the longest I've have it? If I were a separate machine at night, which is a mask, I go right from that to this one to this mask right here all day. Every day. Yeah. So I'm very seldom touching air. There's something about the mask you're about to. People are just confronting people, you know, OK? Seriously? Yeah, good. This is important. Yeah, you're not listening to it like that, so I'm now going to be OK.


Thank you. I appreciate it. Oh, he didn't like the way the guy is the first time you heard that, right? The first time you think it.


But there's there's a lot of to of like shaming people now. You know, I don't think that was shaming the guy. Well, I think he was just instructing him to, you know, he should work, but he's shaming them with I'm saying with the camera right over the camera cameras or the other guy. Yeah. Yeah, this guy. Yeah, the camera.


You don't need the camera disrespecting me because you're in my space.


Did you just walk up to me because I didn't take the stuff to protect yourself?


Oh of course.


Of course you could actually like take her to court and you know, for assault. Yep.


And then the husband's like, make yourself proud of our. I want to stay home. I got another guy's instigating it a little bit.


Yes, he is. He's trying to provoke. Yeah, yeah. He wants to get some on camera. But, you know, everyone's a little kind of freaked out, right.


Then there's like then there's this angle, this short messages for all you guys to keep whining about why you can't wear a mask. It's too hot. I can't breathe. It's uncomfortable. You know, when you say things like that, you just announced to the world that you've never had a woman said on your face, oh, oh, good to know.


Good to know. It's uncomfortable and I can't breathe.


I can't see. I can't eat.


And then there's the there's the angle of the guy who he knows that they're going to have a problem with him in the store without a mask, you know, and that's why he goes in there. He goes in the provoker to provoke. Yeah.


Like this guy is in the doorway now.


Are you fucking retarded? No, I'm not going to bring this gentleman. Does he need to be over here? You're telling me I can't buy that? For what reason? Transaction I have ever signed service like everyone else is doing. How do I do? Have I pay cash, cash, money? Do you understand how little girl. Oh, well, you guys want to drop something.


I'm missing something like no, I'm not a vacuum now by the way, he's a little girl and like, are you retarded? Yeah. And then when he said, are you on drugs? The guy said, Are you, sir? And he goes, watch your mouth. So he's allowed to say anything. Yeah, but if you reply to him, yeah.


It is something how people react to their their personal like a mask having to wear a mask and or they're saying it is like a rite, it's a rebellion for some people and the ladies internalize muzzle want to God.


I want to God's creations like people are taking it very personal. I just had college and put my lips. I can't hide this. Right. Yeah. I mean science. Listen to science and go forth.


People are taking it like like a parent. This is the steps it up. You could tell it's about to get real. Yeah, I'm not repeating it. A company policy and also corporate requires. And I'm telling you, I cannot wear a mask, I'm medically exempt. Do you understand that? Thank you. Yes, there is, Mr. Nygaard. And you don't know what you told Mr. Smith.


It's Mr. Smarty Pants. Your what?


Oh, you say he entered your husband.


Let me have a good look at you.


The boy you have on. Oh, see, they said that, he said, I'm going to have some fun with this one. We've been fine. This dude has real like four people, I feel like in other parts of the country. This is very crazy beach dude vibes, you know.


I mean, he's got his bike outside there right outside. He also has the move where he pulled the waistline over his belly. Yeah. You know, which is also kind of crazy. He's going in. Going in. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he's definitely dabbled with meth. I don't know if he's on it right now.


He's he's getting something out of his fanny pack. It might be his shades. Yeah. Or possibly some chapstick. The shades, though, could be just like a real confidence booster for him, you know, when he's like when he's about to fuck somebody up. Yeah. And then he's just like, you know what? You guys want to fuck with me. Put these on top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh you got fuck with me.


Are you guys. What, you are talking shit. Yeah. OK, how about now. Yeah. Your husband tarrif.


Your husband is a pulmonologist. I'll fuck him up too.


It's terrible. Yeah. Yeah.


No you know he should say here Johnny Pemberton's.


Did I stutter. Oh did. I was terrifying. Right now I have a medical exemption that I fucking stutter. Yeah. Yeah I stutter and then it right before you know because that might is that is my exception.


That is why I stutter. I do stutter in the mask. You'll, you'll, you'll, you'll never hear me. You won't understand what I'm saying. Uh that's crazy. Look at this guy. Right. What happens to this guy. It's about the are you fool me.


I absolutely.


And then you know that. Right. It cut off. Right. The next thing must have been just so epic. He jumped on her.


I'm sure he did something. I like that he just noticed that he's a homeowner.


I know I know someone her she was filming them for fucking too many. He's been on drugs. Yeah. No, yeah. Yeah. But what do you think actually happened. I think the cops came. I hope, I'm sure that they could create an ending for this.


Yeah. Cops came, they took him away. He does have a medical exemption.


It turns out the exemptions in the fanny pack and the fanny pack, he has false teeth that he cannot wear a mask with because they do not they do not go with the material that his teeth are made out of the cotton.


Just by chance.


The dude's husband, the pulmonologist, brings him lunch. Yeah. And he shows up and he goes, he's here. And then he hears about and he goes, Yeah, you can't wear a mask with that. And he's like, oh fuck. Yeah. Turns out he was right. He's totally right. Yeah. Yeah. And then everyone's like, who the fuck are you? And he goes, I'm a doctor too.


STUTTERING Doctor. Yeah, well a story about a way weight around it.


So one of our all time legendary dudes on this show that we found a real cool guy is this guy. I'm going to show you who he is. Apparently, we have learned more about him. I know you're going to be real excited about don't you don't know about this? I don't.


He likes to surprise me. He withholds clips until show time. OK, so here's the guy.


OK, I've been on have been polite. I've been kind of been honest, sincere, obviously. Now I like to have some hot on my lips. I would like to have. To these relatives, I would like to have some sex. First of all, this is the angle you were talking about. We were all on earlier, real close underneath.


Yeah. So you're really looking your best, you know.


Well, also being lit by the computers.


Also the best that's the best lighting ever is the reflection in your yellow blue.


I mean, what kid would not want to be on in my home, but I can make love to. I'm not like one of these young men or these little boys. They get their shirts off and then, oops, they don't care about their partner, ok?


Oops. Oops. They don't care about their partner. Partner. Partner, partner. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my. You can't uh. I believe this guy. I believe him.


He's got me convinced he'll make you come.


Kevin Beaumont's face, the last person, uh they came ten or fifteen times before he even went boom. What do you think. This guy's a doctor. This is very possible. He is watching Rachel Maddow. I think he's progressive. I think he's educated. Oh, my God. So we've always known him as the I'll make you cum guy.


Yeah. And that's it. We we had this video. Everything else. I come in here today, there's a folder. Oh, it's called I'll Make You Come Guy. And it has all these sub folders underneath it. I haven't even opened it. This is a really big deal. Send them to you.


These guys found it. So so the listeners send in these videos and these guys go through it.


So now we get to see what they all make you and he post this he posted this, I think, on his Instagram so that people who also want to come.


Can you post that kind of stuff? You can talk like this. Yeah, you can post a photo of you coming, but you can talk about it all you want.


Yeah, well, I have never gotten in on a woman. Not one time have I gone and on a woman. I don't know what it feels like. I don't care to know what it feels like. Oh, not in the you know. Well hold on.


Is it gone anal or done. You know what I mean. Does one do you ever say I've got I never go crazy on somebody.


You can like going anal on somebody.


Yeah. I just got I got a lesson today that you're not supposed to. I didn't to say I feel badly about something. I feel bad. I feel bad. Yeah. Yeah. I'm always confused about that one. But I think you go anally on somebody or you go anal. I'm not sure the correct. I don't know either.


I don't, I don't. I'm past tense. I've gone, I've never gone anal. I've went anally. I think it's just done anal rape. Does it never go on and on a woman. Oh that's.


Do you think non anal. Is that a picture of like Christ behind them. And that's what I was wondering.


Do Santa hat on now? You know what we're all about here.


This is just picking apart cool videos. I love it.


But I was always taught that that would hurt a woman too much for her. Who taught you that love or care about even if it's a one night stand, I go.


I know he seems like a nice guy. He's a nice guy. He's considering he doesn't like it, but I don't know and saying if you want to go, I know you've been to Gowa before. You want a woman to go. I know you know, again, that is.


But don't you care about the woman I thought you cared about? Yeah, well, he's still into Rachel Maddow.


You can see it in his glass. You look like you're a little bit know he's watching her. Oh, you could see. You can see in the reflection.


It's the watch. Look at Rachel Maddow. I don't know. It might be fun. I mean, it might feel good. I don't know. I've never done it. But there's always tomorrow.


There's always something. There's always tomorrow is tomorrow. That's cool. Yeah. He smile. We let you know. Um, also he's progressive.


Yeah. Make some guy listen you know how to the mustache off and the teeth and the teeth. Blacks and whites and whites and blacks and Asians and Jews and gentiles and all that. Maybe one day everybody got a little bit of everything. You know, I won't have as much hate in the world. There you go. That's pretty sweet. Sweet.


Oh, he's very sweet. And he's got the fans rolling in his glasses group. Yeah. I mean, no clam, no people who think doing he of video.


We're pretending we're sitting on him. You're riding the like you and I say this message is really sweet.


He doesn't want to hurt you with anal. No, no. He wishes there was just one race. The human race. That's a good. Yeah. You know, we're all mixed together. Yeah, that would be great.


I'll be done a lot of thinking.


We keep mixing it up like we're doing. Maybe one day they won't be no more. Hey.


Well, I think it would be cool to put out this is such a sweet message. I would put my teeth in for this message so that.


So that you're kind of looking your best with your best message. Yeah, I think you're right. You want to consider the presentation sometimes this says, yeah, no, this is a photo of him from a different angle because we've never seen him other than from this angle.


OK, so this is my first time seeing what he might look like of them further back.


Here we go. Hey, what's a bad looking guy? Oh, what am I looking guy? He's got a partner with him.


That's that's Lee Greenwood. Lee Greenwood. Yeah. Proud to be an American. Wow.


I mean, he just looks like a regular audience member in Jacksonville. Yeah. Yeah. He looks like he's just checked into the hotel. And Malani. Yeah. Malani. Is that an island in Hawaii. Going to be president's wife. He he's got the phone holstege real dad move there like that.


Yeah. Same sunglasses on. Yeah. He likes the yellow. Looks like he just made a whole bunch of people come. He's all happy. Looks like he just checked out of the hospital with that bracelet.


Wow. Yeah. He's holding it together man. Look better than Lee. Yeah.


You know the whole thing is angles man. It angles angles and it really is.


Kevin, what did you have that joke about pornography. We are like, uh, before I watch and I'm very interested.


Yeah. Yeah. Please tell it. Oh it's so long. Oh is it so long.


I could do it for you if you want me to.


This is one of my favorites. This is um if you remember at no press remember bits. You know, I got a call from Playboy magazine and they asked if I would review three adult DVDs and write up a blurb for the magazine. And I felt kind of awkward doing it because it's not really what I do, you know? But I you know, I do like writing, so I think I send them along. So they sent me these three adult DVDs and here's what I thought of them.


The first one was called Wando about Wall Street, and this is starring Jessica Jameson, very attractive and myself interested right away. And then I got more interested, more interested, interested, interested, very interested. And then suddenly no interest at all.


The second video was called Bimbo Rage, and this is to increase in price. You know what good story on this one? Good production value.


Uh, you know, interested right away, then more interested. Interested, then suddenly no interest at all. I left the DVD running and went into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich. I had a Diet Coke, some potato chips. Um, about forty five minutes later, I went back in the room. The DVD was still running. I found myself interested again, interested, more interested, very interested.


Then suddenly, no interest at all. OK, the last DVD, I'm afraid to say was called Heavy into Jeff. This is an all male film. And I got to be honest with I was not looking forward to watching this one.


I was very skeptical, very skeptical, skeptical, skeptical, more skeptical, extremely skeptical.


Someone interested, someone interested, more interested, very interested. Then suddenly, no interest at all. Then ashamed, depressed, suicidal, despondent, dejected, rejected, sad, alone, confused, angry, someone interested, someone who's more interested, very interested. Then suddenly, no worries at all. Then I rolled over and I went to bed.


That was I was amazed I wasn't all that good.


That's I mean, that's fantastic. That's great writing. And you have the best delivery in the game. To me, it's all in the delivery. That's so.


And I mean, you, you, you with the angel is the best. You when you go angel with you, I'm telling you I've got Angel before.


Yeah. Yeah. You've got no you you have the timing of the master.


Oh I've watched you on stage.


I mean when you're like a drier species of comic like Tom and I, you have to wait and take that risky wait rescue pause.




The pause and then follow it up with whatever you're going to say and it just kills. You are one of the true masters. Oh, thanks, man. Oh, wow. Yeah, very nice. Tom's going to be very happy that you said that. No, it's true. All right. Just for a few days at least. Yeah, maybe a week and a half to. Yeah.


Oh, that's very nice of you to say. Thank you.


Um, let's see if you talked before we go all the way.


We're minutes. Sure. Yeah. Christina Kraatz, Tic Tacs. Are you going tick.


No, don't join. So I call China directly with information. Yeah.


So there's there's a couple of lanes of talks, Kevin. Yeah. One is the one they want you to see. It's people laughing, dancing, pretty girl, girl like.


No, they're on a boat, yo. And, you know, doing a coordinated handshake or something. Christina likes to find what she calls the dark tocks. These attacks, the tick tock doesn't want you to see, right? Yeah. And we find them and then we show them to people. How do you find them?


Well, you know, I trained the algorithm, my algorithm to only like degenerate outlier comment.


Oh, you know, stuff like that. Yeah. So I just basically ignore the good stuff and only like the horrifying shit. And then my feed becomes pure and now it's 100 percent all bad and it's short.


But here it is looking for me. Oh which one really. I know it's going to be on this screen here. OK, here's your first one.


So you want to see my hamburger and is in a box in my closet. This is the sack that it came in. This is actually just interesting having a NASCAR race in nineteen ninety six. So this dates the hamburger and it's section two to four years old, you know, making me hungry look like they maybe could have fallen under your seat a month or so ago. Isn't that wild. Became the hamburger. It's so. The bread has never molded what the meat has never.


I feel sick, actually. I actually feel like I'm about to throw. You could eat that up. The microwave is broken. It's completely intact.


It's a no off all the chemicals they put in.


I hope so. Processed I want from McDonald's right now. It's delicious. Sure. What would happen if you eat it, though?


I feel really nauseous.


It was almost like almost could have gotten nauseated if they showed like pickles and dried up pickles or if it had been like if it had been like, you know, I mean, like rotting. Yeah.


Like it was a lava in there and stuff and. Well, the point is that it's not even real food, so it can't be. No. We found a snake in our backyard. Yeah. This is so weird.


Would you stop it? Stop.


We found a rattlesnake in our yard. Yeah. And the gardener killed it and I thought he took it away. But the next day the snake is in our front yard decomposed. Some animal dug it up at night. He buried it shallowly in a shallow grave and some animal dug it up and running. It's smelly. Oh. And I had to find a stick somewhere and put it in a plastic bag and put it in the garbage pail. Uh, the animal.


Eat it or try it or eat a part of it. Like the rattle was disconnected from it and the head was gone. But there was like guts and stuff that's so gnarly.


I feel like it's wild to live like we're so used to. But I live in a city where coyotes are everywhere. Oh yeah. And they just as fuck anything up. Oh yeah. Yeah I did.


When we lived in our old house, uh, one morning on the driveway, I found a bunch of intestines just strewn about like miniature ones. So I'm assuming maybe like a squirrel or something within probably a rabbit.


You're making me hungry for that burger. Now, let me switch this.


I keep smelling my vagina and hopes that it'll eventually smell better and it just doesn't like fucking disgusting.


She's right.


Some nasty, nasty stuff to fix the teeth, but not the vagina. She's so happy. She is so nasty. She laughs at the end. I like that.


My name is Harvey. I'm sixty five years old. I live in East Meadow, New York, and I'm a thumbsucker. Oh my God. I think that thumb sucking fills a void.


Uh huh, yeah. Delta suckers are misunderstood. She's somebody you want to reach out and be friends. I just wish the forefinger wasn't up on the nose like that. Right. Have some dignity. Yeah, I mean, just go straight in, man. Why does he do that? Only when naps are during the day. Actually thinking. I'd rather see that the nail biting.


Yeah. Not gross. Yeah I, I do it the way down.


I mean I do it and I hate seeing it to you. Yeah. I've tried to quit so many times.


I try to buy my nails. Sometimes my wife gives you that dirty look when she hears that first. Oh my God. Oh Tom.


I'll do it. What.


I'm trying to sleep and I can feel the Jahns one that I know that feeds off. Yeah. Or like I'll be watching a movie that's it's tough for me. Movies and sports. That's why we're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm watching it. And I'll be, you know, making that noise. And then you're like, I'm sleepy, I can hear you. I'm like, I'm watching a movie, you fucking rotten dog.


Get out, you stupid bitch. Yeah.


This is all you women. Yes. Fucking face my backpack talking shit protest, trying to knock every fucking tooth out of there and act like a man, treat them like. Here you go. Really nice guy.


Why aren't these people running for president. They are very right. That's a really cool look. Yeah. I also like that he says knock women's teeth out and then he has about six or seven left. It's the irony.


So maybe he's like then give him to me and put him up so I get my teeth back.


Yeah. This one's just crazy. Oh my God. Oh shit.


She was and they were just in Iraq. Yeah, I understand what that kid's say. I don't understand what he's saying about X games.


Like X games. Oh my God. Oh my God. He X games. He on X Games mode.


That's what he said. Well she's OK like. Oh like they did a stunt basically. Right. Yeah. Just not doesn't know how to get out of car.


Yeah fine. Hey thanks for. Yeah. Thanks for doing that.


One way to wrap it up. Yeah.


I just thought it was really interesting. I mean have you ever seen that before. It was pretty nutty. That chick was just ready to get out man. Yeah.


I say when you're in a situation like that, get back into the seat, try to rock the car back flatness and then back out and drive a smart idea.


Yeah. Let that windshield glass just break. Yeah. What's up, Tom? I just think that.


Are you writing my special in there for September 12th. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. LSM everybody one more time before we leave here. First of all, thank you for coming in. I'm glad you're feeling better. First of all, thank you for having me.


Oh of course. Second of all. You're welcome. Thank you.


It's going to be September 12th. Tickets are on sale.


Rush ah USA, TAIEX. It's up there right now. They're seeing it. They're seeing it right now at seven p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Brad Paisley will be my opener. That is especially so crazy. That's going to be great. Give me my house spell.


Play me in and out. But the network, there's an after party after the show. Really? Yeah. People can hang out and we could chat and have some libations and it's it's it's Saturday.


Saturday the 12th. Yeah. I'm a get tickets. It's exciting. I want to get tickets. I get like a special.


Yeah. This VIP tickets too. I want them to get one of those. Yeah. You could be my greenroom which was in the closet. Can I come over and just do it. Yeah. You could all wear a mask. Yeah. Can I. If you want. Yeah. Yeah. You are fascial to add a bag.


You put a bag over your head. Yeah. I'd love space shields look super crazy. Oh man that's extra crazy. You could do our set.


Yeah. And where would you be like where would you be standing in your like in a living room. Like I'll be I'll be in our bowling alley. In your alley. Yeah. The bowling alley. Nice. I'll be in my office but I think I might have a green screen. Can you hear any feedback or. No, there will be, there'll be some feedback. Nice. Yeah. That makes a big difference, right.


Probably it does. It'll be like maybe thirty I think. Squares of people. OK, that works. Yeah. Yeah. And they sent me all the equipment. I got to check it out. It's in a big suitcase, you know, like lighting and stuff. Wow.


She's that's cool. Cutouts and stuff like that, you know. That's awesome. Yeah. It's going to be great. So Saturday the 12th. Excited I going stand up since March something. Me too early March. Me too man.


Me three man. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. I think we'll be tight.


We all probably stop on the same date. March 7th was my last shot at the ice house. It was so great.


So yeah I had a fun set that I had done Vegas. I got back from Vegas like, you know, it'd be fun. I was like a month out from special coming out. And then I did Largo. I did a lot.


Did you go Largo Casino in Vegas? No, no, no. I did Ellas Largo that Alexandria and yeah, it was a fun time and yeah it's a good way to wrap it up. Yeah, it's a great one. OK, so Hendo I was going to take us out. The closing song is Don't Be Stingy. Thanks again to Kevin Nealon. You guys are watching for listening to you next week. Thank you. Kissing you and holding you and caressing you and playing with your tennis balls in my mouth, put your balls in my mouth.


Thank you. Just just come and come on. Come on, come on. Come on, come on. Come on, now. Yeah, I'll swallow if I want to swallow. If I want to put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and make it nice to read all its normal size.


It's not that. It's not that big. Then the one thing that I'm going to tell you the first time is you have to be quick with me. There's been a long time. There's been a long time, long time to come.


You come to come and see how much you don't see how much I need it right now. And I need it right now, right now. Can you see this? Give it to me now. Give it to me now. I need it. I need it. I need it. Give it to me. Give it to me. Come on, don't be stingy, the Walmart so stingy, stingy. Don't be stingy sucking pride, just suck it right now.


Yeah. Oh, I can see that. Oh, that's. That's gonna be good. Oh, oh, you bet. Coming up in May, make believe. Coming up in. Oh, you are terrific. I know you're going to be good in bed to Myanmar, so please enjoy the Myanmar. Don't be stingy.