Transcribe your podcast

You know, people say to me, they say, Christine, your website is fantastic. Did you build that yourself? And I say, Of course I did, silly goose. I used Squarespace. I have used Squarespace for a year.


Here's why I like their templates. They're clean, concise, fantastic for mobile. Most people are going to look at your website on their phone and it has the perfect layouts. They're just fantastic. Their customer service is unbeatable.


There's never any plugins. You know, you ever go to your website and they're like, you need to do a plug. And you're like, what's a plug in? I have no idea. Customer service is fantastic, free and secure, hosting, built in search engine optimization and analytics that help you grow in real time.


And you can customize the look, feel the settings of products with just a few clicks super easy. So what you're going to do, try it out, go to Squarespace dot com mom for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10 percent off your first purchase of a website or domain.


Squarespace, this episode of your mom's house is brought to you by sort of go to Satava as a TV, a dotcom, the shit to start with two hundred and twenty five dollars off any purchase of your choice.


They have it all and we've had it all. We've had a lot of excuse me, we've had a sort of luxury firm mattress. We've had a memory foam lumin leaf mattress, and now we have the all new Solaire mattress which is so comfortable and it vibrates you to sleep if you want it to. You can set a zero gravity setting so you feel like you're floating in space. You can have it sit up when you watch TV or you want to take a bite or something in bed, you know, having just one of those days or Lean's all the way back down for you.


It's fantastic. I love this thing. You should treat yourself right and get one, two amazing customer service mattress takeaway service.


They do it all sort of a TV, a dotcom, slash the shit for two hundred and twenty five dollars off the mattress of your choice. Welcome to the greatest podcast you could ever find anywhere on the interweb. It's your mom's house. I'm Tom.


She's Christina and Christine. Christine, I'm Todd. We have a great show planned for you.


Hey, y'all. We do have a great show y'all today. And you know what they say, great shows when rubbing your armpits together and they think that's what they say.


Sounds like that old Texas saying we were.


Hey, well, we were we were down in Texas, you know, y'all. Hey, y'all.


Well, you know what they say Texas is good for two things, queers and stairs. And I don't see no horns coming out of your head, OK?


Yeah, it was great, I had a lot of barbecue, I love me some barbecue. Yeah, it was really good food, really nice people, really fun. But we're going to have to start saying y'all now, which is going to be difficult if we go there again. If we go there again, there's so many other places to live, y'all. You know where I want to check out where y'all are.


Wyoming I Eloqua home, Wyoming, big open land. Just be up there with Konya and friends as our egos.


I didn't know that. Yeah, he's got a big ol ranch up there. Goes up there when he's having an episode right now. Yeah. Sounds perfect. And other people come visit him and tell him he's fine.


No. You know, what I really liked about Austin though, is they're not histeria about covid. I like that. They're like, I don't wear no fucking mask. Yeah, we're shaking hands. And I was like, whoa, handshake's out of the gate.


They're like like they go like, are you stupid or know like that and they shake your hand. Yeah. It's pretty funny.


You're not a queer is that they have the, the masks, they all have like masks on their chin like do you want me to do it.


I will if you want me to want to do it. It's like OK they were like yeah it was always I guess don't do it. And they're like, OK, that's what I thought. Yeah. It was always a dance and there was one particular and we got covid tested. Yeah. Negs and got back. Yeah. Super supernet. Yeah. Uh sorry. That sounded like a different word.


Didn't mean that to sound that way. But that's wobblers aggressive. Let me tell you, that guy swapped my mind.


Yeah. I was like I know you got it. It was terrible but we're negative so super negative and be negative. Yeah. There was one guy we were talking to in Malmsteen, and if I'm negative, you're negative because we're fucked partners.




There was one guy who was so close to us who was talking and he was larger, heavier gentleman and he was sweating. Oh, my God. Profusely sweating.


He was profuse and sweat talking at us.


And I was like, well, bro, you slow your roll, homie. He was. He was.


And he was so fired up so far. Yeah. And he was he was so worked up that he was like he was working himself out of breath and then he was making me anxious. Yeah.


Because of how he was just like, oh yeah. OK, ok, ok. OK, calm down. He couldn't slow it down. He's just super pumped. He was excited. He was a fan, he was excited. You know, he was nice. Very nice guy. A lot of nice people there. Well a lotta nice people.


Town. Well you know what they say.


You know what they say. Fuck your dad on a Friday, you're going to have a hell of a week. Welcome to Texas. Yeah.


So if your pussy stinks, you put a whoa hammer inside of you. All right. And think of it.


There's so much to do. We have clips. We have a great guest.


We have great songs. We write emails. So many exciting. It's going to be a banger and real quick to mention unbelievable feedback. And I'm so happy, pacifically specifically that so many people were blown away as they should be and how funny Ian is.


Oh, my life. We've known it for years. You've heard us talking. If you listen to the show a long time, but there's nobody like them. And I got so many messages. People being like this guy is so fucking. He really is. He really is. Go go stream the albums. Go watch the specials and when you can go get a ticket because it's really something to see him live.


He's a real he's such a breath of fresh air. I really enjoy having him on. We got to have him back soon. I know. So funny.


Go to Mirch method dotcom slash Tom SIGIR. There's a new thick boy nation hoodie, there's a new y, a zip up hoodie and there is a new jean hoodie to New Jean. Oh amj.


All new for hoodie season which is here now.


All right. Opening the show. You ready to go. I'm ready to do it. Right to go. So I just seen that this girl's ass in the other aisle about I was over. Now she had a big ass, but it wasn't the good big ass either is several different variations of having a big ass. There's a good big ass. There is an OK big ass and there is a bad big ass.


Oh, I don't bring in one love that way for the breakdown. Well, welcome.


Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Sugawara. And Christina will go to your mom's house. Yeah, yeah, this seems like a pretty cool guy. He does seem like a superficial, cool guy. Here's the deal, man, though, is that because I don't really have a great ass, I don't really look at asses on other people. I've kind of just, like, written myself out of the ass. You have great I don't it's a it's a shelf.


It's not an ass.


I've got tits.


The Lord blessed me with tense but no ass. And that's fine. I'm fine with it.


But do you know what? I think he'll be the judge.


OK, yeah you're right. Don't you dare inject into this conversation. You don't know anything. This guy knows everything. And this is my favorite thing about a cool guy, OK? Is not just having this information floating around in your head, but making a video and sharing it with something.


That's the important thing. Yeah.


You know, a bad big ass will be something worth an ass is the shape of SpongeBob square pants. It's kind of just like a big square. It just looks sloppy. It look messy. That's like this small dick of having a big ass, the small dick of having a big ass.


Never have there been truer words spoken.


This guy is phenomenal. I'm going to put it like this, her big weird square pants ass over there. I'm not into it. I'm sure it was real. It was just kind of sloppy. It's the kind of big ass that when you come home from work in a hard day's work, 12 hours, 14 hours, breaking your back, come home and you look at your girlfriend, your wife's ass, you just. No. Yeah. Now, me personally, I would rather have a woman with no ass than a big, big ass, if you have naturally wide hips, if you're naturally thick and you go to the doctor and you get a big ass and it matches your body, that's all well into the good.


Mm hmm. But there is a lot of women on social media platforms who do all kinds of stuff in modeling and they got these disgusting fake asses. And it's really just it's getting to the point now where I'm just I want to vomit my my fake ass that I hate the words.


I hate when chicks that have absolutely no muscle tone and their thighs or their legs, they get these big fake asses and yet their legs don't match, don't look to big kick balls.


It takes four legs. It's really disgusting. I'm actually really tired of it. Yeah, very tired of it. Yeah. If you'll excuse me, I got to go. Oh, I think there's a cool guy.


This guy, first of all, thank you for making me think he's a great explanation and he makes a lot of good points. I'm glad that he took the time out of his day to update us on this as well.


And you know, what's really great about this cool guy is that he was so moved by his own thoughts.


I mean, he's in the shoe. That's what I mean. He had to stop at Target or Wal-Mart. I got to talk to you about these fake asses.


Right now, there's a lady two aisles over who's just living her life, but she makes me want to puke.


I just felt the need. I'm compelled to tell you guys about it. Yeah, it's pretty cool, guy. Hey, you're a pretty cool guy here.


How soon into dating him do you realize what a cool guy he is? Pretty soon. It's not like it's on the approach. Here's the thing now.


He's a high level cool guy. We're like he's the kind of guy where you could think that he's not that cool. And then you would find out.


He would he would he would show his colors. Right. You're like, oh, but I don't think it would be that deep. But I mean, like, if there is a spokesman that they're looking for to represent the cool guy, he's the guy.


Oh, yeah. Yeah, he could definitely. Well, because he's pretty well put together.


He is, of course, the cool guys we encounter and he's way, way more articulate vocabulary and more.


That's what I'm saying. Like we're talking about a press secretary for the cool. Yes.


I think we found it. I think that they're like, who can stand up for us?


He's like, I got you guys. Well, Tom, it's funny you mention this because Matt s has submitted this and I think he's just fan. Fantastic. Yeah.


Uh, he made he's an attorney and he's a as a licensed attorney in the state of Florida, likely home of many cool, cool guy club members. I've taken it upon myself to draft on a pro bono basis the attached Y image. Cool guy application form. Twenty three. Ninety five.


Oh my God. Here it is. This is unbelievable. He writes, I believe the real story covers all the key elements of a proper cool guy. This is amazing.


I love this. Oh my God.


Department of F RTD.


Twenty three ninety five for cool guy application. Are they a meth user, homeless black guy who likes to fuck tic tac account holder. A fucking Jew, retired double agent.


Oh my God. I didn't know that.


If you've checked retired double agent enter the number of baby rapers you stay at.


Told my God. This to you, put your name, your last name, your parole officers first and last name yourself, self assigned nickname and or title, huh?


If homeless check applicable sleeping location, your baby's wherever you get free food free. Oh, my God. And here's an applicant's personal information. We're looking at teeth color, number of teeth missing. Direction of right eye.


Direction of left. Intensity of stare. Number of strokes to climax. Last item placed at as last location of public urination. Last location of public sex act. That's good. And then there's a yes and no boxes is here we go. Ceiling fans. Yes or no. Unflattering camera angle. Yes or no. Yes.


Applicant is nude. Yes. Someone else is nude. Yes.


Shit lighting check inserting items into bodily orifices. Uh huh.


Violent sexual theme.


That's good use of the N-word. Very, very good.


Yep. That's what you need Polly. People and are friendly. Oh this is great to catch phrase. And then women.


Should you just finish the sentence.


Women should shut the fuck up clean unprompted.


That is all me pussies.


This is so. Yes. An actual attorney and look for it. And this isn't why you go to law school.


Yeah. This is exactly why this is brilliant sir.


My favorite is direction.


Which way to your eyes go left public.


There's it's amazing. This is and it really looks like a government form the way we put this on the site somewhere so people can download and fill it out out. Pretty amazing. Jesus Christ.


Huh? Uh, I mean, that must have taken at least two billable hours.


This guy lost money doing shit.


And we salute you, man. That's really fantastic. God bless you, man. You got another one.


Yeah, there's there's a lot of mommy mail. Reedus Let's bring up remember the infamous Schadt video from last. Yeah. Week. OK, so regarding the radio. Yeah. Let's refresh everybody.


Oh, that's what you want a minute.


Okay. Regarding the video, uh, I can I can confirm to you that he's speaking Romanian. Oh, wow. I thought Ukrainian Judge Gypsy. Yeah. Judging by the accent, he's very likely from Transilvania. Razi guy here.


Get out of here right now. OK, OK. Word by word he's saying, oh, fuck your mother's God. I have shat myself.


That sounds 100 percent like my tribe in my neighboring tribe. Fuck your mother's God being a very popular phrase around these parts. That basically means, for fuck's sake, I feel very honored for our people to appear on your highly esteemed show.


And we Romanian send you all the best and hope your country doesn't burn down to the ground, because that would mean that the Russians will probably fuck us up, fuck us in the ass in the future. You got it. Claudio, thank you so much for submitting this very important. Yes. Piece was, uh, OK.


Do you want to see so you remember the really cool guy with the like the Obama fly flag thing in the Denver airport?


I've been thinking about him a lot. I mean, he's Denver Airport.


He's out of control this guy right now. It's the revelation on this program is a continuation of my series on the Denver International Airport.


This guy is Unbelieve International and below Obama's logo with two stripes and three stripes, which look much more like streaks of blood.


Oh, well, I mean, the fact that and so what I didn't realize, man, we've we've we've seen him before. He made a really cool. 2016 election song, What's the Cool thing is you can repurpose it because there's a new election coming up and there's a reminder.


Here's that song. Oh, thank God.


OK. Vote for the Donald Trump is the man. And let's put our nation into his head. And Mike Pence and Donald make a great team. They'll make our nation the greatest it's been. I mean, it's a great song team.


And I mean, that's a slant, right? It's it's just it's cool to know that he's on that side, the right side.


If I was like, this is who likes the same guy as me? Cool. He's got it together so well.


What's fantastic is he was doing a live stream and some of the mommies got in there.


So we got him to say, is the Miami drought ready?




Let's get to the revolution digital market and come Fed smoker.


I see, I pray our dear leader, the honorable RPG replays RPG, let's see our APC, not sure are our APC.


That's Robert Polyurethanes yesterday to replace four appointed by Ruth Bader Agot. I want their initials Almar.


Yeah, he's he's he was told that Robert Paul Champagne should replace Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.


Ginsburg, which would be an amazing thing to see our P.S. on the Supreme Court hearing arguments and writing his opinions. I was thinking this is a guy you want to have sex in the streets. That should be fine.


You should be able to be is so funny that they actually got him to say that smoker. So look at his shrine behind him.


Boy, oh, boy. He is really into the Lord. It's an encouraging sign of sanity.


Yeah, it's got an altar. It's pretty great. Boy. Oh, boy. Yeah, well, it is normal. I want to read another one. Another one.


Yeah. People were really upset about RGS death. My goodness. Yeah. Yeah. People were really crying on Instagram.


Oh this is interesting. What up trauma's. I was watching episode five seven. Christina, you turn down the heat and turned up the AC and then put a hoodie and sweatpants on and got into bed thinking you were going to cuddle with your husband.


If Tom runs hot, you don't need to bundle up, get naked and use your cold body to call him off while he warms you up. And while you're at it, eat his ass, do your wifely duty and make him cum harder than reequipping a scared little bitch and take some pride in satisfying your husband. Please realize it's not about you. It's about making him come so hard. I'm gonna throw up. The point being, Stuart, thank you.


Is he's. Stuart, I appreciate your.


Let's get this guy a free T-shirt, OK. All right.


Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, man.


You want me to do that?


Well, yes, but I understand what he's saying is that it's silly because you I was I forced you to cuddle with me two days ago. Your body was so on fire.


You keep saying it are a meteor, but you you're like every night now you come over, you put your hand on me and you're like, Jesus Christ, you're so hot.


Right? And I do take Stuart's advice here because I am being stupid. If I'm wearing clothing, that is not a good idea.


Because you're a woman. A stupid woman.


Yeah. And I should clean up unprompted, but that makes a lot of sense to me. So I'm going to take that and consider it into consideration.


Thank you. And by the way, I like that kind of one of those things where, you know, we could probably get the the cool cuddles going and then maybe sexy times come. And then we both are like, hey, that was real nice. We laid naked in bed and like, I'll warm you up and you'll call me down will be effective.


But here's the deal, man, is that I give you we do affection and then you're immediately like, well, let's fuck now.


Yeah, I'm a guy. I'm warmed up. Right. You married a guy you want to fuck and, you know, scissor with some chick who's like, let's read a book, then marry a chick.


And my guy is affection too much to ask? I'm a man, I know you're a man, I'm a man. Can you cuddle for a minute and then we fuck give me five minutes of cuddling, at least because women are stupid.


When you're done, then you Bugarach and then you're like off to get the sandwich downstairs. And then there I am.


Right. I am a human male.


OK, let's talk about it. Human male. The other day while we were in the Malmsteen Hotel we were staying at, you walk down the hallway, we were finished.


We finished this great dinner when we gorged ourselves like animals.


You walked in front of me and you go, Oh, I got a fart. And then I walked in the wake of your fart. And I'm like, You don't even respect me as a woman anymore. Like you are purposely now farting.


And then I walk into the fart cloud. You used to have some kind of respect for me, so maybe if you treated me more like a lady, I would. You know what I'm saying?


With the cuddle, you would be required to make Daddy call.


And I want to just go. I want to give a plug.


I think that the restaurant that made me fart was called Reetta was so good, was so amazed by bread alone. Jesus Christ. Fuck the point that oh goody.


I ain't to the point of hurting my stomach. I filled it up with so much food. Oh my God. OK, here's another one. This is in the drop's folder. Sagara so ready yourself. Hey James.


I was moved by Tom's beautiful transition story from Tom to Tammy. As a fellow bearded guy and tennis player, I can relate to the story and don't feel my mediocre tennis talent celebrated enough because I'm a man. Yeah. That being said, I have another rare talent and that is transforming Tom to Tammy by the magic of drawing. Uh, this is Beat Me Lin fan from Denmark.


Oh, that is amazing. Yeah. This is you know what? I love it.


I'm telling you, I could of some amateur women's tennis players. We've been playing a lot, he mastered your thighs and you're a little tiny there and you're fast, you're I guess you're farting your skirt up. I think I'm just moving now. It's like a fart wind. And then your pony is ridiculous. Your ponytail.


Yeah. Perfect. This is what I want to do, and I think I should be accepted by the tennis community. That's one of the upcoming rising stars and female women's tennis. I think I'm immediately on the tour immediately.


Well, here's the deal, is that in today's culture, they can't refuse you. I was like, I identify I am a woman here.


I am guys. I was playing yet. No, Sunday I got to take you. And there was a guy who's one of the really good players that I see regularly at the courts playing with a woman. And she was unbelievable. She would she was destroying I mean, she was legit like five. Oh, maybe. I don't know if higher than that, but she was she was really good. Good.


Yeah. Yeah. There are a lot of superior female tennis players.


We're not saying that, but I'm saying that we put you on the women's team and you could destroy the bottom players really, really, really dumb and get all kind of sponsorship.


I think you would be really fun. I think you should ruin your life and try this. I think you hate me. I don't hate you, I love you for you to say that to ruin my life. I am your biggest fan. I'm happy for you, too, I must say, because foosball is back as much as I hate it when you watch the football game. I was really happy that you were watching the game and enjoying yourself and you and your dad call each other.


And you guys talk about the stupid game.


It's cool. It's nice. It's really nice to see you enjoy that.


And I think it's good for morale for this country.


Yeah, I think it's might be ending soon with the news of, I don't know, titans last week have players and personnel. Who knows how this is going to go, because if people start testing positive and that's the thing about football is the teams are so big, you know, I mean, like in the NBA playoffs, they had them all move and live in a bubble. All right. So you feel like they really control the bubble in the NFL.


You have 53 roster players. You have a practice squad with another, I don't know, 20 some players or something personnel wise. You know, there's 100 personnel on each team. It's so many so many people just on one team. And there's 32 teams. And like each of these people have, you know, friends, family, staff, like associated with other lives.


Yeah, I think I don't know, it could go sideways. Well, but it was really fun to watch them game.


It was fun to watch you watch the games because I know how much joy it brings you and your dad and stuff.


But we talk he's like, do you see that guy he calls? What a catch. He really caught that ball shit. Yeah.


And I hear your conversations on speakerphone. I'm like, this is the dumbest.


Congress said, look how dumb this guy is, miss this black shit. Your mother could have blocked that guy.


And then your dad loves to make fun of my ignorance of the game as well as your mom's ignorant as Oscar, as Christina.


Ask what happens on a safety.


Oh, I don't know. He's like, course. The broad, when's the last time you got rewarded for brushing your teeth with quips, new smart electric toothbrush, good habits can earn you great perks like free products, gift cards and more. You've probably heard us talk about quip a million times, but this is something brand new that rewards you and your mouth. The quips Smart Brush connects to the quip app with Bluetooth and you can track how well you brush.


You get tips and coaching to improve your habits. You earn points for daily brushing and bonus points for completing challenges. Like you get into a good toothbrushing streak. You can redeem this stuff for rewards.


Come on now. Free products, it's pretty cool. And also we love the children's toothbrush. You know, when the kids watch us use our quips, they they want to use them, right, juju. And they want to use everything else, grab them right out of my hands.


So now there's a kid of one, which is you got the size down features small brush had for small amounts. It is awesome. So start getting rewards for brushing your teeth today and go to get quipped dotcom slash mom right now to get your first refill free.


That's your first refill free Atget quip dotcom slash mom spelled get qip dot com slash mom quip better oral health made simple and rewarding.


We all know twenty twenty is a little nuts, but that doesn't mean you should disregard your nuts no matter what size or shape they are. In fact, manscape is on a mission to take care of your manhood with their below the waist grooming and hygiene products and great news. They just release their products in the UK, Canada and Australia.




You can have nice smelling trimmed balls, bollocks and whatever else you call it in those countries.


Yeah, it's you know, it's always a challenge to keep your nuts fresh, trim, smooth and manscape does it all. They just released the crop care kit, which is a formulation bundle to give you a plus balls is the ultimate male hygiene. Haak they do great products, great technology. Lamore 3.0 TRAMER offers a replaceable ceramic blade with advanced skin safe technology. So you don't have a pool of blood underneath you.


Every time you trim your balls, get 20 percent off and free shipping at manscape dotcom. Mom, add some swag to your saggy bag. You see a funny video.


Well, I was just going to get it. Oh, yeah. This subject. Yeah. Yes. So the other. So you were watching what was a team, the Green Bay Packers.


Yeah, they were playing the Saints and it was a phenomenal game.


And then you were like, oh, oh. Dude, could you do a poll and ask people if they actually usually call the Packers, the Fudge Packers and the 49ers, the sixty nine ers and then.


Well, because I think that in in secret, like everybody secretly at home, when you see the Packers, the Green Bay Packers immediately, I assume everybody goes, oh yeah.


The Fudge Packers. Yeah. Or the 49ers.


Oh it's a sixty Niners like that to me is where my brain would normally put that poll out there.


Over 20000 people voted. Very important to pick and look those at.


Fifty five percent say, yeah, of course, of course they call the 49ers a 69 and the Green Bay Packers.


The Fudge Packers. But forty four percent said, no, I'm lame.


What's going on with you people? I mean, to me, that's a no brainer, right? When you hear those words, you want to make them juvenile. Yeah, well, this got us going. And I think we should really start pushing for we want to change.


Well, we need to get people to reach out to the organizations that are running the presidential debates and see if we can get one of the two candidates to commit. Will you force the NFL to change the name of the Green Bay Packers to the Packers and the San Francisco 49ers to the sixteen years we need to bombard the candidates, Team Trump and Team Biden and say, like, what side of history do you want to be on?


You change the Washington Redskins or the team from Washington? Yeah. You know, you're like, oh, that's offensive. I agree.


That was the right move. When are we going to, you know, embrace the 69 in San Francisco? It's just all gays.


And then, yeah, the Packers, everyone knows that they're fudge packers.


Well, I think the point is, is that there should be more inclusive.


I mean. That's right. The Packers, what does that even mean? But I know what a fudge packer is. And let's make that the a section of look, you're kind of percent.


Right, good. Everybody disagrees is a fucking idiot. So hopefully we'll get a get a lot of people involved with this new movie Change, dawg.


I thought you need we need to get the petition signed. And if we get enough signatures, you know, that could end up on someone's desk, they could actually do something big.


In today's world, there's so much shit going on. We actually got to go.


Yeah, we need to get it signed. And then, like on the like, you just have like a press conference where we're asking Jerry Jones, like the owner of the Cowboys, do you think they should change the 49ers, a 69 or what?


Do you think the Packers should be the name of the Packers? He's like, I don't know nothing about that, but I'll look into it.


Oh, ask me this. Hey, look at this screen right here.


Oh, right into the back. Look this guy. Look, where's my phone? Oh, there it is. I got my phone. It's going to hop off.


And the driver is just like LA keeps driving away. Damn.


That's what's happening overseas. And if you let the Dems take. All right.


So communist countries. That is wild. That acted like nothing happened. That was crazy.


She slipped right into the bed. Homeboy went down, didn't even scream. There's audio. There's like just so chill.


What Asian country is this happening? Oh, his face went into the bet like the back of that.


He hit it with his whole face on it and he barely fuckin flip flops on to you. Did you see the one? I don't think I sent it to you on Instagram. I could probably text this to you and you could put it on the screen. This is insane, this guy. Yep, here it is here. I'm going to send this to you. This is so crazy, she emailed to you. Yeah, this is. This guy is these are these guys are in Mexico.


I don't even want to, like, describe it because it's just better it's just better to bring it up, this video.


It's so crazy that I'm not going to describe it. I'm just going to wait for you to bring it up. Tell me what you if you find this or not. I just saw I was I was just scrolling and I think I landed on this and I, I could not believe it, but. It's really this dude's like behavior as this is happening, that stands out almost more than what is being done. OK, watch sound. Yeah, start from the beginning.


Turn the sound up and go. Go big screen if you can. Here we go.


Watch who he's like. What happened? Look at that. He's like, what? Oh my God. He must be loaded, right?


Yes. He's constantly hammered. Yeah. But he's just. He didn't even flinch. You flinch at all.


He's full of close range, shot off the top and then somebody underneath a.


Welcome to Mexico, because that is that is so if you're listening, a guy is at a backyard party, puts a bottle of liquor on his head and then from she's a few feet away, a guy with a pistol shoots it off of his head.


I mean, the dude next to him is all of us, right? The guy who's like, oh, my God.


So that's the right reaction. Exactly. Guys like, whatever. And if you look up, you're worried about the cops being called here. Don't worry about Jesus Christ. I know it's so look at him.


He's like, what? What is all? Let's let's see.


Oh, he closed his eyes closed. So he has some indication that something's going to happen.


He's like, yeah, I'm fleeted man.


We got to do that here. Yeah, that's a great idea.


We'll just rehearse stuff and then we'll go to the other guys after that. I think Nidaa first and just that the first and the last and just rehearse a bunch for him. Full clip. All right. We got one bottle.


Twelve more. Here we go. Are you a good shot. I'm decent.


I'm all right. I've been going, I would go to that place. You saw me. That video.


Well that's close range. You know that's that's pretty easy, right. I mean, uh. Yeah, that's pretty easy targets big could fuck up, and the cool thing is if you fuck up, you just kill somebody immediately.


Well, what have we got him to sign a release? Uh, just that his family doesn't sue us and stuff. Yeah, that would be cool with that release. Yeah.


I think you don't know. I think I'd have to have a lawyer look over.


That's that's the right answer. I don't know. But I'm still part of the team. OK, we'll get into it. We'll talk about it. Just think about it. We'll talk about it. And by the way, you're going to do it. Think about it. Um, so. Oh, really excited to plug.


Yeah. The cockroach. Josh Potter has a new podcast. It's called Roach Motel with Josh Powers. A long time coming. We've been working on this a long time. The episode, the first episode went up a week ago. The second episode is out now.


It's going to come out every Tuesday at six a.m. Please subscribe and review on iTunes and Stitcher and everywhere you can listen. Audio wise, it's on our YouTube channel. We are so happy. Also point out, because some people have asked about it, if you're noticing that shows are coming out early in the morning at 6:00 a.m., that's on purpose. We you know, we were thinking about and talking about it was like, well, this should be available in the morning.


So if you're trying to get ready and you work or you're driving or whatever commuting, you can listen in the morning. We had a noon schedule for a long time, but now 6:00 a.m. Pacific, 9:00 Eastern, you will get new episodes released in BALSHAW.


Listen to it on your drive in. Are you driving doing you're riding your bike. Yeah. Hi.


Yeah, I'm going for a walk. Fingering your dad. Yep. Doing whatever you want to do. You listen to a cool song.


Oh. And also congratulations. You know, a lot of people told us, take it easy on Ed Asner coming so hard. But I just wanted to congratulate Horndog because he was smart enough to put his Bangar on iTunes. So I posted that that that song with his he has more work to do so much.


But then I just saw so many people reposting that like they're listening there. So I think that's really smart. You have to think so to hit song, you know, make it available. Ever make it available. Brose put it up on iTunes. You should do it. I agree.


Bearing also big big news for us. Bear Bears one cave live is October 15th.


Oh that'll be fine. Five p.m. Pacific. That's 8:00 Eastern. That's Thursday, October 15th. The tickets are at Y AMH Virtual Dotcom Perry signing place.


For those who are wondering about why I'm live, it does return in November. So we will have another way of life in November. If you missed Episode one or episode two of Why IMH Live, you can go to my site, Tom cigaret outcome and click on the video rentals tab and you can watch Episode one or episode two or both. And as we build this live content out and these shows, they will be there available for you to rent if you so choose.


It's exciting. Also, we have Dr. Drew after dark that Tom and I and Potter guest on. Yes. And where my mom's at two. I know a lot of dudes listen to this show, but if you want to get your lady friends on board with the William H.


Clan, maybe you can get her to list for my mom's at and segway her in your dark world of your mom's house, you go lot of times brose are like my lady doesn't like your shit, right, you crazy.


Get her underwear.


My mom, that that's a good way to get in and eventually she'll be with us in no time. Yeah.


Doing nasty shit over you. Um, so we were watching the foosball game and then a commercial came on where this guy was mowing his own lawn. Yeah. And I turned to you in bed and I go, is is that real? Do people really mow their lawns? Because growing up here in L.A., right. Nadaf, like you're a native, an L.A. native, you just don't see people mowing their own lawns.


Yeah, L.A. people don't do that. Yeah, that's really interesting because I think that's very cultural. All my my first fourteen years were all Midwest cities. Yeah. And suburbs and stuff. And we always, always mowed the lawn. But the same thing exists here in Florida, which is basically nobody does that there either.


I think it's because maybe because they're so hot, it's so hot and it's all year long, you have to do it. Whereas in the Midwest you have those snowy months, right? Maybe you're not tending your lawn.


Yeah, but I really like very, you know, soothing, like it's a very satisfying thing, I bet, and mow the lawn, but I see.


So the thing is, though, is that it looks so hard. It looks like you're pushing that heavy thing because it's so sweaty. It looks like the most unpleasant shit.


It's not that. And it's not like it's not weights.


You know, you're not fuck, I can't move this thing.


Like, it just goes. It goes. I don't see how, though. It's so heavy and horrible.


I like. But you don't lift it up as you're moaning and you just hold and it goes and it just chops up the grass for you.


It still looks like the most horrible thing. It's hot.


I mean it it's worse because you're out in the blazing heat, right? I mean, in Florida it was 100 degrees plus one hundred percent humidity. Yeah. Miserable like that's that's real work, but I loved when we lived in in Milwaukee, in the suburbs of Milwaukee, we got we went from the push mower to the city riding mower.


Now, that's that's bullshit. That's good. I feel like that's cheating, though, because, like, you're just sitting there and he agrees with me. You're just sitting there driving on grass. You're not pushing hard.


You're not sweating till he can make patterns in the grass.


What did you draw? Like big dicks, big tax usually. And what the fuck is this? I guess spectacular. Everybody know who lives here, man. You know, it's fun, man.


Great to pay your gardener to do that for you. Put a big dick and balls on your front lawn.


So you want the big, big thing guy there in the grass.


I see. Yeah. How fast do you think you're the one that's supposed to be big or small or both?


How do you want to. I can make them big if you want, but I think the league should stand out.


They should have the balls a little smaller, like. Yeah, that's a good point. Thanks.


Roffey will not be read though. Like, imagine if we bought like this palatial estate and then you had your gardener always always takes all the landscaping.


Here is a sexual thing.


OK, so when people pull up they know what's happening, OK?


And they'll be so fucking funny, they're going to take extra time with you on these bushes to be dead. And over here we have. Yeah. Yes. And there's a big valge opening.


Hey, how come there's no nipples on this? This is it. It takes a lot of practice to make the nipples stand up.


I think your gardening bill's a thousand dollars a month because of all the time it takes them to do it a lot faster and save you money, but you always want dicks and things and everything takes me a long time.


Can you make the pubic hair look softer? Roffey, you have to go buy some special dress and make it look like a pubic hair everywhere. You know, you guys are real sick people. You know, we're perverts. Yeah. Think I would like to see that.


What have we bought a house in Texas and we had a big front like backyard's all decks and balls.


I'm sure that you will have a cigar over here.


Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo. Pick some balls of where we could have a fountain like a dick fountain that spurts just.


Dude, I'll be fine. Oh, I got that was maybe just spur water. Well, you know what I mean.


Like people are filling up every day for us coming by and jerking off in our fountain.


So we have real juice and we're like, hey guys, could you come over and jerk off in our fountain? We want to seem authentic.


So nasty.


Uh, well, man, that would be super fun. Yeah, no. Uh, so anyways, it's not that bad to mow your lawn.


Yeah, I didn't know that.


And I it's one of those where you write that you get a big break because I remember, you know, and you stop, like I say, in November or something. And the cold, cold state, I'm not doing it. November, December, January, February. Like you have like five months off. Yeah.


So that's probably why in the Midwest it's a source of pride, like and a dog pointed out we were talking before, like, you don't really own your house here. I hope most people don't own. So it's like why would I take care of my rented property or I lived in apartments growing up too.


So like we didn't have a lot. Don't have one. Yeah.


So I guess I was really shocked to see like that commercial, like, uh, you know, like a mother in law and just fucking bullshit.


There's a lot of people motherlands lies not propaganda. Yeah. Not here bro. OK, ok. All right, well, well, um, dick and balls, so you want to say something funny? Yeah. Bertran he says a lot of words wrong. Yeah, I'm one of them. He says wrong. Here we go. Look.


What do you call it when a person rubbed your body? Massage therapists massage. You say massage. I say massage. Let's say massage. Massage your whole your lips purse out massage. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that dumb.


And you know who else is that. Yeah. Another guy says massage. Massage. Yeah.


How many drinks is Burt drinking right there. There's one massage your little boy.


Well someone's never watch two beers before. Two, three, four, five. Yeah well yeah. I live two beers. You guys are always doing this shit for the last 15 years. How dumb is that massage. Massage.


We need to have a whole soundboard of just him and his dumb words that he says, massage your little hole.


Yeah. It's not how you say it's massage. Massage. Yeah. He says nightmare. Nightmare and a fleck.


He says Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. Yeah, silly. He says all kinds of things completely wrong. So silly. Yeah. That he really likes him too. Yeah. She loves him. Yeah. How do you have you sent this? I haven't seen it, but I saw that. Why do I treat everybody like shit and why have I been so fucking successful over these twenty five years? Because I think it works. And the reason you're here, you know, is because nobody treated you like shit.


Tough love. What's your fucking wienies?


He's kind of rain and pain, you're right, they're always giving you the truth, you fucking snowflakes, he calls them cunt Jesus, tough love words.


I'm the alpha male father. You never fucking had my you should have never been born. You should roll down the inside your mom and make.


But God. Yeah, tough love works kind of does. I mean, you always hear are these really successful people and they all have these horrible nightmare stories of childhood. A lot of time nobody is like, well, I had really supportive parents and everything was great. And so I decided to become the CEO of fucking yeah. Amazon, whatever. I created the Internet. It's never dude, it's always like you. Yeah, yeah. My dad beat the shit out of me or it's always like that.


I know, I know it's adversity. So but you see, like all those people, they're sitting in front of him, they're all like they want it. They love it. They want that tough love. Well, I think.


Well, you know, Tom, what they say. Well, discipline, you know, I do think I mean, you look at our kids, they love boundaries.


They love they love discipline. They want you to be like, no, dude. See it with little little kids. There you go. Don't touch that.


And they're like, you can if I can touch it. Right. And then they go, what are you going to do about it? Get off of that.


And they're like, hey, like to do. Yeah, yeah. I think everybody naturally wants a little bit of, you know, a boundary.


Everybody needs it. Yeah, for sure. So where is this. Oh yeah. So this dude, you know, are cool. The conspiracy guy.


Fat smoker. Yeah. Brings up Walker.


We did another we got a dive here on Fat Smoker.


Well and there's more new but old you know. You know, you don't realize it's all in the past on the vaults. Right. But I'm saying what an opus of work he's left.


Oh, I have no idea.


It's so inspiring. Every time that I see one of these in the folder, I perk right up. I just I can't wait to see what it is. Here we. Gosh, how are you?


Son of a bitch. S are thinking you got to wear a jock shirt shipping. It's because he just left tell you a couple of days ago. Got a little bit of a story and got some fucking pussy. I'm still not wearing a fucking shirt. Yeah.


Good point. So what would a herk saying right there is that you don't have to wear cool clothes to get late.


Oh that's the you know, the message. You know, he's got so many points of wisdom. We need to start putting them down. But you don't need to wear a shirt to get laid. No, especially not like an expensive shirt. No. Goodness, no.


These fucking clothes way overrated. Fuck it. I'll tell you that. Yeah, that's all I'll tell you. Good messages are too overrated if they're just overrated, man, who needs a fucking crappy shirt or do you get a shirt gets pussy?


Yeah, yeah. And also, you know, it's what's really often overlooked is what an incredible vehicle the Ford Crown Vic is for. Right. To be able to drive.


I mean, I'm assuming he was probably cock and a quarter million miles a year in this thing.


Now driving day and night and this thing. Do you think he did maintenance check ups on this? No, this thing's just go regrade.


If he could be the spokesperson for built Ford.


Tough. Oh, yeah.


Well, if he says I was in Ontario, is he meaning Ontario, Canada? Yeah, my my province, Burketown town. Think so.


And although that would suggest that he has papers, which I think they might be, and it's not Ontario, California, but no, there's probably some other Ontario. OK, well yeah. Go ahead. He's like got my passport up.


Yeah I don't think so.


And I definitely don't think Canada would be like come on in to defend a smoker. Now let's check out this background. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Fellin. They don't let you in.


Have a lot of jail time.


Well it's all fucking bullshit. What kind of ladies do you think he's getting?


Very cool, ladies. Very, very refined.


I want to know who he's romanced. If you were with a smoker, let us know. Yeah. Ladies of the street. Probably more often than not.


Fuck it, man again. I drill here for about two and a half hours here, and I got bored and got off and come back to my room two and a half hours.


It's such a good summary of the story. All right, drill there for like two and a half hours and I got bored, got off and went to my room. Yeah, OK.


I know he sounds like fun time. He's a Bukowski. That's how Bukowski would write. And I mean, I'm not a lady, so you should probably be the one to vote here. But in my experience, if there's one thing that that most women like, it's two and a half hours of drilling, drilling.


Well, they're like, yeah, perfect.


And the word drill that implies bang, bang, bang. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


Just a prison pounding. Yeah. As hard as he can go as long as he. Yeah. And it really it's exciting as a woman when you're like, will he come, won't he come along.


Will this man when you go like what's the amount of time this feels good for. I'm thinking a hundred and fifty minutes, something like that, you know, two hours.


This is where to go. Yeah. Getting drilled. Oh wait. He does have a check engine light on top.


Oh that thing stays on. You think that he's actually ever been like got to address this issue.


I wonder what my oil oil is like right now. Chevy is the official car.


If it's a starter belt, I don't know what's going on with this thing. No trailer for two and a half.


That's no, that's an exaggeration for about two and a half hours. I figure that's that's got to be an exaggeration. Fucking bored. OK, does math give you math, Dick? Like, what is it? Do I mean, it makes you come and probably strokes probably really hard and ready to go.


But you see but you come in four strokes and it's thick.


That's just that's just that one one guy. OK, I was just one guy. She was kid. Fuck it. Yeah.


Yeah. Because meth is like the T.K. become so tentative. Yeah. But that's not usually what people say. That's one dude. Most people say that meth is like that reckless drug.


If you're like let's just fuck all our sadikov harder for a long time. Yeah. Could you hit that? Mike Moore. What's going on with you today?


Like six times. I mean, all right, I mean, what do I do, what I cook? It's a pipe. Are we on NBC? I know we're on the podcast. I know my coffee's cold. OK. Montross, bucks a month. I wish I had math right now. Yeah, like it's a podcast. Do what I want. OK. All right. Oh, my dog is upset. What's wrong?


No, no, no, nothing. Just send him the mike is definitely not a good move.


I'm just pointing it out. What? Why are you mad at me, because you're mean, how does that mean fart and make me walk into it? Does that mean you don't come at all?


I think you definitely could have been meaner. I think I think you did it in the nicest way that you knew.


Thank you. Thank you. All right. I'll take it by. OK, so what is this saying about math here? Can you make that bigger?


My dad is so, uh, the results show that methamphetamine and sexual functions are not the first use is what does that uncommon commitment time with the increased duration of sex and increase in the quality and quantity of sexual pleasure.


Delighted orgasm and feeling more control. The Sex Act.


These effects gradually decrease a decreased libido and various sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and losing control during the sex act will appear over time. Wow, I didn't know that.


That's really well. He's a long time method.


He's a long time. So I'm surprised he can get his wiener up or that he wants to be.


It says that the sexual function goes down over time.


Yep. So interesting. There are differences in the libido and sexual functions of meth users. Personal perceptions of one's sexual function may be affected by cognitive changes resulting from the drug.


Yeah, Dr. Drew is always saying that there's this Bulmer brain deterioration that happens when you're a regular meth user and that he's seen permanent. Yeah, cognitive dysfunction. Yeah, it happens.


It's such a bummer because you want to try it and you want to get into it. But to know that that's going to happen, I'll have to say, and this is going to be the official word from us, don't get into meth. Yeah, yeah.


I it's a real, real sad day.


But our studies have shown that you shouldn't. You should. But I didn't realize how much great art that meth produces. I mean, in terms of tox and these videos, I just didn't realize it inspired people in so many ways.


In so many ways. I mean, and then it almost makes you want to go. Do we did we just change our position on whether or not you should try it?


Because you just made a great point that the art and art kind of awesome.


So I know I don't want to. Just from an artist. Can I? Yeah. Yeah, but is that it's a math artist. No, no artist. What's the animal there? Is it a crocodile? But I say it's to dinosaur bone marrow, Pharoah. Yeah, that's kind of neat. Matthew Ryan, is it hagert?


That's really cool. Um, I'll tell you right now, I should.


Yeah. Huggett sorry. Hagert H.E.R. Get that's really cool. Yeah. Wow.


Is he from. He lives in the Los Angeles area. Noise. Yeah. Noise. Very cool. Don't you wish you could decide who lives or dies.


Yup. They do. You were saying that why do you want to decide who lives or dies? Because I look around and I'm like in my head, I'm always like, we could lose that one. Yeah, right there. We choose that one. We could lose that one. We could lose that one. And, you know, there are there are people different who thought that same way.


Now they've tried it.


Some might might be genetic matches, sharing DNA type. You know what I'm saying?


Like, my heritage is what I'm saying. Yeah, but. I mean, are you talking about genocide? Well, I'm not saying no, I wasn't thinking in terms of rounding people up according to collective attributes. Uh, I was thinking in terms of the individual. For instance, if I see a really you're behind somebody at the Starbucks and, uh, I don't know what kind of hemming and hawing dead. You're gone.


You don't agree with me on. That's pretty good. That's true.


OK, what about the douchebags who ride their fuckin bicycles in the streets? It's very dangerous here.


That's that that's annoying. And today on the freeway and it was pretty open and we were behind a guy at one point doing forty five, not for a moment like that. Was his cruising speed right gone.


You should be able to kill that next. Yeah.


Your life is meaningless to me. You know what? I'm upset that I didn't get involved in the riots. Really? Yeah. What do you feel?


Because I saw these like storefront windows. So I'm like, that's got to be so satisfying to break those windows. But I know that people did that. I'm like, you kind of want that one.


That seems like fun. But see, I don't have that destructive impulse like that. I want to clean up the world. From the riff raff, you don't want to destroy the world, you want to throw a brick in the window. I don't I don't have that impulse.


Yeah, I know what I've been doing lately. I didn't tell you this following people and boy, so I'm going regular people.


I just pick someone I know in real life. I pick someone and I just follow them. That's neat. I like Star sometimes walking around and sometimes I follow them home and I see if I can help them, I can follow them without them.


Yeah, it's pretty cool isn't it.


I don't know. Are they all women. Petite, blonde, smart. That's pretty cool, I I saw one the other day at the mall and I was like, I'm going to see if I could follow her home.


So I watched her get in her car. I got mine, and then she stopped for groceries. I went to the grocery store. Then she got out and she went to a coffee place.


I followed that and then I followed her home and I waited outside and I watched, you know, what did she do that I just watched her spouse arrive. And then I was just like, I know where you live. And, you know, I just told myself I could do whatever I want.


Check you back later. Do you ever make contact where you're like, can you help me lift was count? No.


But now, like, I get I gave her I gave her a name in my mind, you know. What's her name? That's Sheila.


Sheila. Yeah. And and OK. And she lives in our neighborhood. No, she's live in our neighborhood.


You go to other people's neighborhoods. Yeah. Well, you know, you're also a recognizable person.


I have a mask on and a hat and sunglasses. OK, yeah.


But you know, I'm going to do next so I'm going to go back to her place just listening to I'm going to go back to her place and leave her a note, OK?


I mean, it's kind of illegal.


How is it illegal to say, hey, I think you're real beautiful.


I think you're going to tell her now. What do you tell her? I'm going to tell her she forgot to get the cucumbers when she was at the grocery store because she picked a couple up and put them down. And I was like, maybe I'll give you a reminder, you know, it's a good time. You know who else I think should die every time we back out of our parking lot, our parking, what's the word driveway, the garage?


I have to back up the way that it works, OK?


And every motherfucking time our thing is on an incline. So it's dangerous for me to do so.


And every time I brought back up and there's an indignant jogger just jogging in place passively, aggressively looking at me like you bitch, you're backing up. It's like, you know what, I'm backing up. I'm the one who can't see you, you know what I'm saying? Like, maybe you shouldn't give me such a nasty look. Why don't you go across the street and jog around me, stupid cunt.


I agree with that, Dad. Agree with that. Because I also feel that way about like if you're driving and there's a cyclist.


Right. Oh, boy. And take them all and you you go to turn and the cyclist is going straight, you're going to turn. Cyclist is going straight. And as you're turning they go like, hey, you go.


Yeah, but you can see that I'm coming up on this turn. Yes. Yes. So you can actually you actually have a better view of everything.


You can go like, oh well the guy driving the car is about to make. So I'll slow down so he can make and then I'll just keep going. But some of them go like, no, I'll accelerate through it because I have the right away, even though I'm I know I'm in your blind spot. That's I know that you are missing it right now because I can put I can deduce from the rate of speed and you're decreasing your speed and that you're going to turn and they just do that and those people should be.


But that could neutered, neutered and murdered and and strung up in public and made an example of and drawn and quartered too.


Yeah, but here's the deal, because that jogger does know and I know this guy who's jogging all the time and she knows that she's in my blind spot, like you said, and I don't want to hit her.


Of course not. And I obviously am the one who's at a disadvantage. So be the bigger person, even though you might have the right of way. By the way, if you tell me more specific details about this person, I'll fucking follow you home.


I care and I will wait outside, sit in your yard. You don't even know who was there. Don't think I won't follow you around me. All right. Make you nervous. Think about it.


All right. I love that feeling knowing someone's scared.


What about anybody that makes a speaker phone call? Oh, public. Yeah, that's right. They should die, right? Of course. Yeah. The fucking hammer to the face. Yeah. Yeah. So good. Yeah.


I'm in a good mood now, right, uh, here, haven't seen this, this is going to be funny.


Let's check it out at. Pam. This is L.A. go by. Dan, what is he saying? We're not sure it's a foreign country. It is. And what I just realized is the guy walking by I thought was concerned for the dude that just fell. But then I see just kind of stiff arms and back onto the floor. So I think that guy was maybe saying something mean to the old guy that was that was putting him down. But he was not trying to help this dude cheese.


I mean, that's what that's all. We put that dog as, say, Jesus Christ. And so if you're listening, there's a guy in a wheelchair who rolls up and shakes a ladder until it falls down and the guy falls with it, like from pretty high up man. And that guy walking by, I think he's just like, hey, don't, don't.


OK, and then he just done he's just like, don't escalate this to either one. That is a really crazy. We don't know where this is though, huh?


Nah, I thought it was maybe some sort of Latin country. I don't know. Does that sound familiar to you, what he's yelling?


No, because I thought at first I thought it was I thought I was hearing English, you know, I thought he was saying something extra.


I thought he said something that could be Melrose. But I don't I can't actually make house virata sounding type of word.


Maybe you're right. I'm just not hearing it. Well, I mean, maybe I'll try one more time. Oh, it still sounds mostly. I don't know why it sounds like English to me. No, it's too muffled for me, I can't make it out. I don't know. Wow, that was a really inspiring clip, guys. Yeah.


All right, we're about to go take a break. You want to watch this one last thing here? I love to perform. Well, you sent it in.


I make difficult decisions every day, but not about politics. I switched to politics. It's unbearable for direction.


Only one Bill Blair does on our PCs, which is more like fish.


Really cool commercial or change the law about about tampons.


I switched to play the comfortable and the get a special plastic cup with you and I put this fucking thing.


They have these huge wharfs that grow on them.


That's really cool.


I love these old tampon commercials with this do with the audio slowed down like my tampons.


Yeah, I can try new things but not all Playtex Playtex deodorant. Unbelievable protection.




They smell like fish. Yeah.


I love the pretense on these. Yeah. I make a lot of hard decisions but not about my tampons.


What the fuck are you talking about.


So much to consider out in the world, but not what I shove up inside of me. It's so design is what a premise.


OK, let's let's take a quick break. I'll be right back. I'd like to thank our sponsor, Wub. We know a lot about a lot. We know 2020 has been a tough year, to say the least. And we know we want to live healthier lifestyles, but we don't know a lot about ourselves and how our behavior impacts us. You can get to know yourself on a deeper level with the fitness tracker that provides personalized insight into your body's recovery strain and sleep with actionable feedback in real time.


For me, I love monitoring all the data. I think the best thing I like the most of the Wolf is that sleep coach sleep is so important. The longer you live, the more you realize that it's so, so important to get great sleep and take care of yourself.


And the sleep coach will tell me you have this is the sleep deficit you've built up. You need to get more sleep to perform. Better go to bed at this time. It'll tell me go to bed by eleven fifteen to get up at this time and you'll feel better tomorrow.


And I follow it. I really do. For our listeners. Whoopers offering 15 percent off with the code. Your mom at checkout go to woop woop dotcom. Enter your mom at checkout to save fifteen percent. Get to know yourself on a deeper level. Unlock yourself with Woop ji.


You may have noticed that I have been watching a doctor who on UK Netflix. What. How am I doing that you might ask.


Noticed Express VPE and it's wonderful. Express VPN lets you change your online location so you can control where you want sites to think you're located. You just open the app, you select a location, tap one button to connect and refresh the page to access thousands of new shows and movies. I mean, you can choose from almost a hundred different countries. How awesome is that?


You can watch whatever you want and there won't know today.


They won't know your soup, your hacker secret you can stream in HD.


No problem. No buffering or lag. It's compatible with all your devices, phones, laptops, media, media, console, sorry. Media consoles. Mm. Smart TVs and more. So you're going to go to express VPN Dotcom your mom to get an extra three months of express VPN for free express VPN dot com slash your mom.


Super excited to be back here with a very special guest all the way from the great Big Apple. New York City. Yes. Chrissy D, History Hyena's Christa Stephano, thank you very much for coming.


Thank you for having me, guys. Very happy. I appreciate it. I'm Colvert Free Kovács. I believe I do have prostatitis. I got an inflammation of my prostate. Really. I just I think I do. I just every time you think you do every day I really specific thing to say, you know, what's a nice thing now. Every day because I had it once like two years ago, but it was one thousand percent from chlamydia.


But now which is nice, I'm not crazy drip drop anymore. So but one member who gave it to, you know, I mean, it's one of the I was a blur.


I was a full blown sex addict too. Like not you know, two years ago you were.


Yeah, I was like, I don't drink. I don't I don't drink that much and I don't smoke. I'm fine. But then I was just, you know, just I mean, dude, there was back to back nights sex with like. A woman who is the former Miss Canada. Oh, wow. And then one of my mom's friends, Kate, so it's like back to back former Miss Canada, 68 year old woman, sex addict.


Do you go to rehab for it?


No. You get therapy at all for it? Yes. Therapy, a lot of meditation, a lot of reading, a lot of thinking about, you know, like, um, like narcissism and entitlement and things like that. Yeah, that's fascinating. Getting deep into that. And now and and so and so now I'm sitting here with prostatitis and it's a different feeling because I'm like, I know it's not for me. I haven't had sex with anyone but my girlfriend in, you know, whatever it's been.


I haven't seen her in three weeks. So it's like, you know, I mean, I've been the thing I literally think I could have, like, enflame my prostate from jerking off.


Yes, I think so. It's I you aggressively doing it. I can't explain to you, like, why I've been here for three weeks and it's been unbelievable. Like I've been jerking off to anything. Like everything. Yeah. I was jerking off to Anderson Cooper. Yeah. Two days ago. Wow. Then this morning, Tucker Carlson. Yeah.


You know, they had an awful lot going on and it was just like and I don't jerk off like this. I love the base of my penis and I blow it into my belly button. Yes. Very strange way of masturbating. And I think that might be you rub it against your belly. I kind of rub down and make like a little vagina with my thumbs and I rub the base and then I shoot it into my barbarously I swear to God, I got to tell you something.


I'm done with that. I mean, I even know you that well. Yeah, I would. I would like to you to do it to me. Yeah.


And I would do it. I absolutely would. That sounds like a really good technique. Discover this technique.


I don't know. I just I think when I was a kid, I just you know, I kind of I used because I used to take a pillow. I used to, like, masturbate on a pillow. I slept in the same room as my mom till I was about 13, 14 years old. So I used to like, you know, when she would sleep quietly, just take a pillow.


I used to do that. I started to hump the mattress. Yeah, I was having orgasms before. I ejaculate.


Oh, me too. I was I was absolutely shooting blanks.


And I was like, it's like trying to explain to my cousin. Yeah. Brian, I was like, do you do that thing? So I didn't know your words for it. I was like, you know, we're like you, you like you rub yourself a certain way and your body shakes and it feels good. He was like, What? Yeah. And I go, you know, I mean like and then you kind of sweat a little bit.




I don't know what you're talking about because I would do that so much I would masturbate so much and just shoot blanks that the first time I did get just a little bit of jizz. I lived in the same house as my mom's sister and she used to watch me well while my mom was at work. And I was like doing it like rubbing the pillow hard. And then a little splurge came out and I was young and inexpensive. I didn't know.


So I ran to my and I was like, and Colleen, something's coming out of my people. And she's like old school, New York lady smoking cigarettes. She's like, Christopher, listen to me. You don't have to talk to your mother about that.


Yeah, I remember just blowing the smoke. She's like, I get to deal with this right now and then I'll never forget. Do you want to saltine cracker and then.


And then ever since then. Yeah. So I just have a weird relationship with sex and I had to explore like I for very long I didn't realize, like I absolutely fall in love with men but have sex with women. Yeah.


Yeah. Because you mentioned Anderson Cooper, you masturbate while watching him.


But I don't know that I was thinking about him. I was thinking about other thoughts, but it's just something soothing. But you do fall in love with men.


Have sex with women. Yeah. What do you mean you fall in love like emotionally. You're in love with a man, but physically you're into a woman.


Is that what you mean? Yeah, I think, like, I'm not gay. Right? I don't have any even really gay thoughts. Like, I never thought about having sex with a guy, but I have talked to men for a long time, looked in their eyes, been fascinated by their conversation. Yeah. And either went home and beat off or went home and had sex with a woman. Oh. So I don't know if the what that is where that falls think that, that's because men are more interesting and sports.


OK, it could yeah it could be.


You know women are fucking stupid because women are fucking dumb.


They may know man. Yeah. I could never hold on but.


Ah yeah. But you're not aroused sexually when you see. Do you watch gay porn. No I've never watched gay porn or watch gay porn or.


You never tried it. Have you seen it. Could you bring up two guys. Butt fucking. Let's see how it feels. Yes.


But this is fascinating because you said you can have you can you can hang out with a dude and be so fascinated. And so, like, this guy was awesome. Yeah. But then you want to go and have sex with a woman. Yes.


Like maybe it's just excitement. Oh, here we go. Let me show or something.


Yeah. I don't. Yeah. No see this is that a guy having sex with a guy. Oh this is, these are women. These are, these are straight games. Yeah. Hold on.


I've never searched for this but gay porn. Yeah. Well there we go. There you go. There's a guy sucking. Yes he.


Oh he's got a very nice piece on him. He does in boys. There we go in this guy's.


How do you take communion right here I there we go.


Oh see I don't talk to it like a duck to water. Like a duck to so I support. It seemed like if I was in a scene like this at around you you're not really.


We're open to what would arouse me is if these same two men started talking about the book Sapience and how they got into that, then I might be able to get horny and something introspective like that, and then I'd go to have sex with a woman. That's right. I can watch this and I could support this, but I don't it doesn't really, you know, there you go. I mean, it's a little astep.


You know, let me ask you this, though, because this is really fascinating for when you're talking about, like, being upset, because I think we always hear the term sex addict, but we don't really explore it like as observers, like most people like know or have or have some knowledge of alcoholism or drug addiction.


Right. And you go, well, it you know, it filled this void or whatever it is. Right. Is for you. Is the sex addiction that same thing that is like trying to fill some type of emptiness and you were getting it through those sex acts? Absolutely.


And I didn't realize that at first. At first I was like, oh, I'm a comedian on the road and I played it's what happens. And then I realized, like the emptiness after it was done on not only me, the woman, too. So we would constantly find each other. And that's to my therapist. He was like a lot of times, like a sex addict. Male will find a sex addict, female. And he's like, how often do you notice, like women that you won't have sex with that will never call you again or you never call them again?


I was like almost 100 percent. How many how often would they leave? Like, right after you leave? I was like within ten minutes. Every time it was like, so it's you were both the addiction addicts find each other. Wow. I was like, so that's what you were doing. So I had to like just cold turkey, stop that. And then I kept would always like look for something different, something different, something different, something to fill the hole always.


And you know, I have a child and you know, my daughter was born. We had the baby like on like the second or third date, like, yes, she got pregnant.


I was like, my life is crazy. Spiralling, spiralling, spiraling, not realizing like. No during the full, you know, addict swing right now. I had no idea. Yeah. And then a lot of things happen, you know, like, you know, ruined the relationship, fucked a lot of things up. But I was like, oh, but I love my daughter. I'm always there for my daughter. It's fine. I'm, you know, telling myself I'm a good father, I'm there, I'm present.


But how many times did I push her on her swing, damning a girl? How many times was I like hiding my phone? How many times when her mom would bring me over, I would have to clean the apartment, realize all addict behavior. So then I got I don't know if you ever get through it. I'm working through it. But I had a way, better place than I am now. Back with my child's mom, back in like wholesome family.


Been out here for three weeks by myself. You know how many temptations, of course. And it's very easy. It's a lot easier now for me to be like, no, that's not what's going to give me peace and balance. What's going to what's going to give? Because I realized something. Having so many options, I realized, is actually not freedom. I kept saying to my kids, I just want to be free. I but that's not that's the opposite of freedom.


Having too many options is you're absolutely in chains. Yeah. Freedom to me now it's having just one option, one great relationship with my daughter's mom, the concept of family building a family that is like I feel totally free. I feel like I have so much energy here for the last three weeks because I have in act I've been like I'm only waiting for the call from the one woman and the one family. And that's what it is now. My hotel room walls have gotten fucking lit up, but that my therapist said, that's OK, this guy is a fucking loser.


Cut his mike. I know, I know. My dads listen to this like you fucking hobo. I told you to pound some ass out there pretty well.


You actually like hearing you say all this stuff. It even seems like you are so much like at peace and content with with with like the the the ride you've been on to get here.


Yes. One hundred percent.


And I feel extremely like ready for any type of maybe success on my come my way and I'm not even like oh and my values and my value system has changed totally too like for me now. Yes.


I want to do very well in comedy. Of course I'd love to have opportunities and do that, but devout but really like the metric for me is how my daughter is developing and how my relationship with her mom is developing in the concept of family. So if those things are going well, which they are right now. Yeah, I couldn't come to a pilot right now. A true TV. I mean, it's my ten pilot. I'm fucking Crecy pilots.


I'm oh for nine if I go oh for ten. Great. Dude, I'm Christi Strikeouts. It doesn't matter because my daughter's in a good school and I have things that I want us where it used to be like two years ago, like oh I need to get this, I'm a failure and it's like no, no, no. Like how many times are you going to go through this? So I didn't realize that, you know, and yeah.


And I think like saying, hey, I'm always working through this. Addiction is a is a powerful thing because Colin Quinn is like a mentor of mine. We've become very close friends in New York and he's, you know, thirty years sober. Yeah. And he was kind of the one that first gave me the idea of, like, have you ever thought about you're addicted to this? He's like because, you know, there's a lot of men that have options or women that have options, but they don't act on them compulsively like you are.


Right. He's like, you know, how many times are you going to bring four women into the Comedy Cellar and. And he's like, it's all great and good and, you know, he's like, I think the women like you and you like them and you're nice to them and kind to them and it's all good. But how much how often, how much do you want to do this? Right.


And it's not fulfilling. You would not feel for all of it. Yeah. You wouldn't believe it. Being like this feels really great that I know now. And they didn't feel good either. Like, you know, everything obviously was all good and consensual and that was fine.


But it's I feel like you just have to say that now it was all consensual was just a real quick side note.


Didn't rape anyone and. Yeah. Yeah, so.


So but they felt empty too, because I didn't even realize, like I noticed, like, you know, they never call me ever again, like if I text and they'd be like, oh, I had a great time but I'm just not interested anymore. It's like we were the addicts were finding each other.


Yeah. Kind of how how you approach. I'm fascinated. Like, how do you approach the other one?


How do you sniff out like how do you know who's broken enough to you know, the in opening message on a dime is you know what I mean. Really. Yeah. Or the opening messages. Hey I, you know, hard I think you're hot or take me out for a drink and I'll give you the night of your life, things like that. I was like, yes, yes. When another girl was like, hey, do you want to like take me to do not know.


Come on. What do you mean. Can I stick garlic sticks up you pussy.


No. You know, so I would not, I was not look and then you know what I realized too.


It's just so fucking gay. Just play gay porn over this.


This is gayer than the guy getting pounded in his ass. It's just the truth. I got a Lululemon pants. Any guys up, they're going to hit me.


I noticed, too, that, you know, my girlfriend, my daughter's mom, she constantly kept taking me back after fucking up, like you can imagine, like constantly fucking up. But then being like, I'm a nice guy. I love my daughter constantly. Her being like, this is your last chance. This is your last chance. And then finally, you know, just realizing like that is love on her part, like I needed to catch up to her because that, you know, like, set the bird free.


And if it comes back, you know, it's not like she set me free so many times and so many times it's been like begging to come back. It's only time she's been like, come back. Yeah. And now for like the I've known her for my daughter's five, so we've known each other five years and nine months. So, so but then it's like past like six months like in quarantine has been like the most like fulfilling with her in like the first time I'm like actually have listened to her and paid attention to her and been like, I want to make this work where it used to be like I don't even know you.


Like we have a kid and I don't even know you because I'm just not paying attention, because I'm not interested. I'm playing pretend I was just constantly playing pretend with everyone. So I had to just realize that and like, look in the mirror and be like, you fucking idiot.


But it's so it's so actually nice to see somebody figure it out at your age and and that you're not like seventy being like, you know what.


Yeah, I think I fucked that time and like your life, you know, I mean, like you, you've put this together.


I mean just hearing you talk about it. I mean I can see that like you've. Yeah. You've really seen the light in this whole thing. Yeah.


I mean, yeah, dude, I mean, I'm shipping out condoms right now, you know. Yeah it feels like that, but it's like it's like you have to just admit that too.


Like I was just like and also like my circle of friends, like, you know, changes. Right. I have to make it all a lot smaller. I just have to make it all a lot smaller and stop.


I was always the guy who was like, what do I do? This advice and that advice and and asking thirty people their opinion.


Did you find that you would seek out the advice of somebody that would reinforce bad behavior?


Absolutely. And it was the same thing. Like, you know, like the the options thing. I would ask for so many options because I thought that's what oh, I'll get all these people's opinions when that is not again, that's the opposite of freedom. Yeah. You're now I'm like, what do I do? What do I do? Whereas just who is yours, who is your crew? Who's your circle of people. And I have those people.


Yeah. And I deal with them and then but I ultimately like, you know, now make my own choices and have just had to like, you know, be Krissie uncomfortable at times and just tell people how I'm honestly feeling, which was always like, I just want you to like me. That's all I want you to do is like me.


Yeah. Which is, by the way, I think the M.O. of like almost all comedians generally is they're just like, I just want you to like me. Yeah. Who then I saw a quote from my favorite comedian, Bill Cosby.


And I I saw a quote from him that said it said, I don't know the secret to success, but I know the secret to failure is trying to please everyone.


And I was like, wow, that guy's no no irony is that his material was super universal and non-inflammatory in the least. Oh, shit.


Was like he got like, fuck is he time and again you go with the it comes out straight like what the fuck.


Yeah. Talk about your dick weirdo. I don't trust me. I'm like that doesn't talk about his dick. Yes. You've been saying that for decades.


But you know, I and I really think about it because that's the dark side. All of us comedians are every humor. Everyone has darkness, dark and light. And if you're not if you're not going in there and then coming back out, making every comedian we know, not addressing the dark, not even the public wants to.


Everyone knows, but some of them who are real, like real. And stuff, you know them because you hang out with them on a level and you're like, you are a fucking dark motherfucker. Yeah, about it a little bit, man. Give us a little taste. And the thing is, whenever you hang out with them, they're funnier talk telling you those stories.


You're like, why are you doing this? I don't want to do that on stage. Like, why? This is what's great.


Much better. Like, you're not being like like I feel like the whole thing of this is like be open and be cathartic and get and it's like when I hear that it's not in the street clean because I know some not.


Yeah. But I know the comedians who like they're completely different people on stage.


That's not even like the other. It's not like you're not cursing enough.


I'm saying I'm not exploring your, your, your truth, your honesty. You know, it's like they're they're just doing like surface level in here now I got to tell you something.


So so I think I, I'd heard your name a few times and it was I think last year, not the one that just passed, but the year before that. I think you posted a September eleventh story from the seller.


Yeah, dude, I laughed so hard watching that and I watched it a few times. And then this year you reposted it in the same thing.


It's like it's such a great here's one like that that that story you tell, had you done that on stage before. So it's so what happened was, is I had done that kind of pseudo story in my Comedy Central, our special size thirty eight waist.


And and and it kind of came and went because I was in a box, you know, like the rules, like you can't say this, can't say that. But then actually on September 11th, two years ago, I was like third or fourth comedian up at the Comedy Cellar and people were bombing because they weren't addressing that it was 9/11. And I just went on after a Muslim comedian who didn't address anything. And and I was just like, you had a couple of drinks.


Oh, yeah. I said, here's the thing. The whole thing is perfect because.


Yeah, like your little Lucy Goosey. Yeah. Your Krissie five drinks in. Oh yeah. And yeah. And the story is unbelievable. It's so it's so like cinematic, like there's so many characters and layers and you paint it just perfectly and there's so many punch lines that like I just kept going back to it. It also reminded me I think of what I love about comedy before you do standup, because that story is a story that like if you weren't a comic and you and you told that story like hanging out.


Yeah. That's the kind of story where you hear someone and you literally go like you should. You need to like you should do comedy. Yeah. It's like it's it's such a genuine, authentic, real story.


I think Chris is going to masturbate after. Yeah. Yeah it's yeah. It's a great line. Hit one of his eyes like yeah yeah I'm definitely yeah yeah.


My girl is so well because you know what happened.


Because I was like drunk and like uninhibited like just like fuck it go. And I was like, you know what, like it's nine eleven. I lived through it. I'm like a native New Yorker. I like license to speak freely. Like if you say you can't make 9/11 jokes, like, fuck you, my mom worked in the building. I know. Yeah. People that died, like I feel like it's my store. You had credibility, like, you know, I wasn't there, but it's like my mother was there and like I just lived in.


The highlight of this story is something that I have since sought out in your post.


And content is talking about your dad. I don't know what it is that I'm I'm so lucky and blessed that I have this like a great dad, like dad, who, you know, he's always been there and he's just like a sweet guy for some reason.


Whenever somebody tells me, yeah, like Sideways Dad stories, I'm fascinated and I laugh beyond control, like about it, like like I was talking to him this morning and he's like, what's going on today?


And I was like, oh, I'm going to do that. That really, you know, big podcast I was telling you about. Tom Cigarets like, oh yeah, fuck it.


Tommy said, wait. Tommy said once he was like Tommy Cigarets. He was like, yeah, he was like he seems like a good kid. I looked him up. So he just called you a kid. OK, I'll call you guys. Seems like good kids. And then he was like, oh, this is the married over there. And I said, yeah. I mean, his wife Christine is like, that's nice. He's like, my girl's name is Jasmine.


Like you and Jasmine should do something like that. Yeah. I was like, she's not a comedian always. Like, you can't turn the cameras on. That's what he said.


He's very much like I love show biz advice from my dad. Yeah. Synanon show business. Dad's advice my the best seventy three. Seventy four years old diabetic heart condition lives in New York. Now, he just moved to Florida, the next epicenter. He's just fine. Oh yeah. He goes never smoked or drank a day in his life. You know, pandemic hits March. It's like April 1st. You know, nobody's supposed to see their elderly grandparents.


He's like, I want to come see the baby. You know, my daughter, he's like, I got to come see the baby. I can't fucking sit here anymore. I'm like, Yeah, but you got to understand, like, you can't like your, you know, old age, you know, like you have every condition that they say is going to kill you. You have them all. He's like, don't worry about I'm coming.


I'm going to get on the bus. I was like, Dad, let me at least cos I was like, let me at least come get you. It's like I'm getting on the fucking bus. So he gets on the bus, shows up, he's got a mask on around his ear right around. I'll never forget it was around his left ear.


He's just got it hanging on like did you take the bus. Like that is again you've got a mask on, you person.


That's what de Blasio said. The mayor. I go I go. Put that across your face. I have to. I was like, that has to be across your face. And then he goes to me, he goes, Oh, I'm sorry. I thought June was. Pride Month, I don't know, I had a gay son and then I'm like, OK. And then he goes into my backyard and lights up a cigar. And I was like, What are you doing?


What, you haven't drank or smoked anything? And he was like, Let me fucking tell you one thing here, Chrissy. He goes, Nothing Chinese is ever going to take me down.


He goes, My veins are red, white and blue. And he lights up the cigar and just starts coughing like an idiot. And I'm like, Dad, whatever. He's not even a smoker. He doesn't care. Then he didn't even tell me then. I just called him one day, July 5th.


I'm like, hey, you know, like you want to hang like, you know, just had a barbecue. But then I'm like, you know, we just had a barbecue at my house. I was like, you know, you want to come? I've got some leftover food. He's like, Oh, I'm in Tampa, Florida. I was like, What do you mean you're in Tampa, Florida?


Because I moved here, but I was like, just drops it on you. What he's like. I mean, your stepmother moved here. So I was like, that's another epicenter of Corona. Yeah. He was like red, white and blue.


Baby, you just he says red, white Chinese are going to take me to the Chinese. I'm not going to take me down, dude.


His dad, my grandpa wouldn't eat sushi for the remainder of his life. He wouldn't eat sushi in nineteen ninety five because he thought it was the food of the enemy.


Oh my. He just wouldn't. And your dad the similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad uses German words. Yeah.


But yeah he well my dad was in Vietnam so I don't want any of that noodles and shit. Yeah. Which I guess it's like ok. I mean these guys fought in the war. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. OK, I know you're Russian fucking food russkis.


Your dad growing up right. Must have been, it must have been wild. So he was a maniac you know when my so so how they met was my because my mother's very highly educated woman like Ivy League school, like very all about education. And when you meet prim proper you know very well to do now wealthy but like, you know, academics and speaks properly, like even my accent. She's like, honey, you need to pronounce those R's, okay?


You're not going to sound like an idiot like your father. It's not going to happen, like, you know, like so she's like that. And my father's like a legit criminal, like was in and out of jail and they were at my mother's company was doing a walkathon in downtown Manhattan like I guess like 1983, 84. And my dad was doing community service on the side of the walkathon. No prison work release like you have to do, get out.


You have to do a few hours of community service. And he was like picking up garbage like by like off like the FDR or something, wherever they were doing, like that park, wherever they were doing the walkathon. He's told me he can hold her. Yeah, he started flirting with my mom.


My mom said she was like I she was like, I'm walking in the walk. Then all of a sudden one of those garbage pick up things. It pinches my butt and I turn around and she was like, and it's this ugly man with an orange jumpsuit on telling me how beautiful I am and that he's going to rock my world. And I'm like, and, you know, she's twenty years old. I would assume a virgin, like, very she's like, this is not what I want, you know?


But then he was so persistent and she is, you know, kind of goody two shoes.


Family just decided to have a fling with a bad boy to have me. They have me. And then it's just like, you know, it's like kind of history repeats itself because then her whole life was because then they got divorced immediately because, you know, Catholic and pregnant, let's get married, then divorced immediately because my mother was like, big mistake. Yeah, huge. Roberts huge.


So, so huge. Big.


So, you know, so they get divorced.


And then my mother's whole life was keeping me on the straight path. Right. She was like, you're going to you're not going to make the mistakes. And I then I made that. Your dad mean you're going to go to school. So everything I went to school, she's like, no drugs, no alcohol. You're going to do everything they asked me. I did sports, did sports in high school, college, even professional basketball overseas. You did?




You played pro basketball for like three weeks. And then and there it was. First I was on this team called Dafu Sakar in Turkey. And then and then I played got sent right back home quick for like three days in Ireland, sent home. What were you, a point guard? Point guard. I was a shooting guard in college and then a point guard. Where do you go to college? St. Joseph's Division three school. Yeah, it was a very, very small.


So you got to be a pretty decent basketball player. Well, basketball was my whole life.


Like my father was all about sports. My dad was like, you know, he wants to play baseball and, you know, just was a criminal and just didn't work out the Yankees like, yeah, your federal your convict.


You feel like George Steinbrenner was like, no.


What kind of what kind of like crimes was he involved for? Like like, you know, like racketeering and money laundering and things like mob shit. Yeah. Like, like you would never see.


That's the thing. Like when you actually have like a parent or like a close family member was in the mob, like you don't you're just like, yeah, it just happens. Like I remember one day my one of my aunts, her husband was killed, her husband and her son. I was six months old. So I guess my cousin, you know, her husband was killed in the and and the son was killed who was like twenty five at the time, all mafia related stuff.


And then just every month somebody would drop a bag off in cash. I guess it was the family that like whacked my aunt's husband and their son like that was like old school mafia tactics like whatever. They did they're like the wife shouldn't have to pay for it, so they like take care of the bills and like like I was like five years old one day and just open the door. And some guy was like, give this to your aunt.


And I was just like a bag of, you know, I don't know how much, you know, another aunt on my dad's side. And so that's just like but so like, you learn to like, you know, that's just part of the thing.


Normalises any time I hear anybody, like, you know, my fucking father is unclosed, I'm like probably nobody because those guys are like, you would never even know, like, you know, you're just like they just kind of act the way they act. Like my dad, my uncle, he wasn't my dad's brother, but was like close uncle, like, I don't know Uncle Bobby Pets', who is a real guy.


And he had, like, all these animals and he fucking loved animals. Bobby, when I was a kid, when I was a kid, was like, oh, he's just got like like a little petting zoo, like in the backyard, always tied like a crazy shit like like a penguin. I never forget. Was like summer like 1996 and Brooklyn guy is a penguin walker.


I swear. It was like it was like July 4th weekend. Well, I don't remember how we got it, but I do remember the penguin, me and my dad going to his house while he passed his house like the next week. And he had like a like an air conditioner and two fans on. But it was like, you know, sweltering New York City heat. And I was like, I feel like I was like 12 at the time, like all about like science.


And all that was like I don't think like this is mimicking like in Arctic conditions, Frigidaire bullshit air conditioner, which is like rattling in a basement. And then he was feeding a cheese.


And I was like, I swear to God, I just feel like that's not I don't know. Yeah, it died. It died a week later. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.


And my dad and Bobby Pants buried the penguin off the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.


This a lot of times you're making shit up. I'm not making it up now. You can't just chill. Holy shit.


Yeah. So so that's kind of how my dad operated. Yes. You know, ran with, like, some real legit.


But before, like, I was a kid, you know, like so when I was a kid, by the time he got the one incident on September eleventh where I really saw like, wow, this guy's a fucking nut job.


But since then he's like, you know, I mean, he's still the same guy. Like he's but he's gotten older and like, you know, like I remember when I met, you know, my kid's mom, you know, she's a beautiful Puerto Rican girl. And like, I remember my dad's like sitting there. He was like, she's got a hot mom for the old man. I'm like, you're on dialysis right now with your wife standing right next, you know, then like, you know, and then she's like, it's like a crazy, like, kind of like life and but he's like a great guy.


And like the my dad is like, right. Intention's wrong move. Like the best father you could ever ask for. Like he's never missed a moment. Anything significant.


My life my father's been there always. But, you know, before I was born, I think he was just like living. Sure. Crazy life with crazy people. And still there's craziness there. But he was always like the he's the best dad like and the best grandfather, you know, like, absolutely like because he's like this tough guy.


But I remember we were cleaning out my daughter's room when she got a little older. Maybe she was like two or three. And we found like these stuffed animals and they had little diapers on them. And I was like, who was putting diapers on the stuffed animals?


And my stepmom was like, your father was practicing diapers while the baby was coming. That's cute. But, you know, he would never admit. How did he how did he react?


Because it's always interesting. How do you react to, like, the story, the, you know, the 9/11 story, like you telling it?


He he when I started doing comedy, he was always like, whatever you want to do, like, I'll support you. So, like, he was like, you know, obviously don't mention the real names of some of these guys.


He's like, because I just, you know, I don't want to I don't want you to get in trouble. He's like, but whatever you want to do, do so even like, you know, I was a physical therapist, so I had to get like a doctorate degree to become a physical therapist. I told you my mother was all about education. So so for her, she was like, you're not going to end in college. Like you need to go through graduate school.


So I went all the way to get.


It's funny, too. It's just like it's sometimes like I start telling stories and I'm like, oh, I remember this.


My dad, first of all, you know, it's a doctorate level program. So it's like you're with some, like, really ritzy kids, right? Yeah. You know, smart kids, whatever. And, you know, I apply myself. I think I, I got into the graduate program like I don't I got in for my grades were OK, my GPA was OK. But I think because I played on teams almost like about teamwork, the dean took a chance.


I mean, I don't think I should have qualified for the doctorate level program, but I proved myself that I could do it because I had like a good GPA and just applied myself. So I was proud and I was actually second in line to be the valedictorian. I taught I tied with, which is like crazy because I was like, you know, an idiot kid from Brooklyn that, you know, talks like a fucking sewer cap.


But then I have like three point nine GPA and a doctorate level program. So they it was between me and this girl who was valedictorian because we both are tight. And they were like, you know, who do you want to give the speech? And I, I was like, look, the way I talk and look, I probably shouldn't give the speech, you know, because I'm just people even when I was a physical therapist, I would be like, oh, hi.


You know, welcome. Like, what's going on there? What can I as you're going to see the real therapist, are are you the boss?


You know, the first day of physical therapy school, the dean, nice woman, because, you know, it's a whole application process. So she didn't know exactly who I was yet.


You know, it's just names on a list. I showed up, I was like, oh, I'm looking for room five or one. She's like, are you the are you the maintenance crew? Are you here to clean? Because we had a spill. I was like, no, I'm a student. She was like, what's your name?


And I'm just like. And she's like, oh, OK, yeah, and then, like, you know how to pray, but after because you don't sound like one of our students. No, she was like, you don't look like you have a bag of cash. Like, that's just what I did always.


And like, I need this and then and then. So my dad is like, again, first of all, Chuck Schumer, you know, talked about the thing they had. It was like a very like kind of religious it was a public school, but they wanted to, like, make sure all the bases were covered. We had Chuck Schumer, senator from New York, talking for, like the Jews. And then you had a Catholic priest, like a cardinal bishop.


I meant talking. And then you had like a Muslim what is it, a sham and not a sham?


And what does he even know? Anyone know more?


What is, you know, immoral war? I don't know what is the money.


And I know, you know, a Muslim priest, a Muslim high priest, a fucking sultan, I don't know. But a good guy, a good Muslim kid, an imam, imam.


OK, so he starts to and there's like, you know, it's like, you know, a thousand people and the imam starts doing a prayer in Muslim. And we're like very much like, you know, I'm sitting with the student body again, getting your doctorate degree. So it's prestigious and, you know, like in Arabic or something, and it's in Arabic. And then my, like, weights like Stetson's and my dad just yells out from the back, hakuna matata.


And then people are like that. And I knew. And that's the thing. You had 500 people all turned around except me.


I was looking straight up like you were talking God. And I was like, nope, no.


I'm just going to keep looking straight ahead. Yeah, you're straight ahead. There's there's something, by the way, it's a consistent thing you find. Yeah. Because I moved a lot.


Yeah. There was always the kid. Yeah. With the eccentric dad. Yes. Who was always not amused either. But everybody else was. No. Like one of my best friends in high school, his dad, when I met him, I went like I met him in school. Then I get to hang out, I go to his house and his dad has a heavy accent, Cuban guy. He goes, Are you here to pick up my little girl today?


But and he's like, he's like my little girl. Are you here to pick her up? And I go, Yeah. And he comes out and he's like, just straight face. And he's like, Hey, see, I see you met my dad. Yeah. And he goes and I go, yeah. And he goes, what are you two little faggots going to do things like.


So but as I'm laughing he's just like, OK Dad, good luck.


And every time for four years and actually you know, for the twenty cents if I see him his dad will say cullis something like retards or fat. Sure. And like and do a whole thing. Yeah. He sang a song calling us homos. Yeah. And like and every time my friend is Straight-faced. Yeah. And all everybody else is dying.


Laughing Well because you know even from like an early age, like you said, you were young when that happened with like even you know that happened when I was whatever twenty seven but flashback I was like eight. We're at my cousin's recital and it was just me, my dad and my cousin because our moms couldn't make it because they were working or something. So, you know, Saturday afternoon, like, you know, the ballet is going on the recital and, you know, bunch of eight and nine year old kids and little girls doing it and my cousins up.


And it's nice. I mean, you know, I'm a kid. I'm like kind of paying attention. I don't really care. I'm just like drag. They're my dads. They're like reading the paper. He doesn't care. Same thing. Back row and then the the like leader, like the teacher of the ballet was like maybe like a twenty five year old woman, you know, like really pretty woman from what I can remember. And you know, it's like intermission.


I never forget like that's like this.


It's nice.


It's halftime called halftime and it's like intermission and it's like you can hear like a pin drop again, like dead silence. And she's like about to say something like, hey, like it's intermission. And my dad just yells, I'll never forget. Like it was like in slow motion.


He goes, show you brush and then starts laughing at the other dads and nobody's laughing. And I remember being a kid like just like knowing like you're like this is not right. Yeah. Like that's not I was like, oh boy.


And then like, you know, like he would but again, like the greatest father, like the like I can't explain to you, like such a great dad everything. I mean he just wanted to make sure I had a good life and it was like again like right. Intention's wrong move. Like he took that.


Yeah. Sorry, but isn't it so upsetting when nobody laughs. I mean, did anybody left the Akutan Mutata that that was really funny. Yeah. The Hakuna Matata.


I don't remember if anybody laugh because you go and you probably had adrenalin's for your birthday. Yeah. I mean you're like, yeah, I do.


You know, my family members would laugh like my cousins Neil, who were like they're like it's fucking hilarious to have it. Oh yeah. The uncle doing the best.


I mean, it's just, you know, maniac guy. But again, like just really, like, well intentioned man.


It's show.


My gosh, look, you've known me for years and you know, what I value the most is therapy. I myself had been in therapy for a decade. It has changed my life. And I know sometimes it takes a long time before you get your stuff together and you go not any more. There's no excuse not to do therapy with talk space. I know. Even when money's tight. You're like, I don't want to invest in myself, but it should be at the top of your mind because mental health is a necessity, not a luxury.


With talk space, online therapy, you can connect with a licensed therapist for a fraction of the price of in-person therapy, get matched with your perfect therapist from the comfort of your device, and reach out 24/7 whenever something's on your mind, which is huge because you don't have to wait until your next appointment. Unlike in-person therapy sessions, talk space give you 24/7 access to your online therapy room. It's affordable and there's a huge network of therapists to choose from and talk space is secure and private.


The bottom line is we all need someone to talk to. Talk Space wants to give us the support we deserve at a price we can't afford. As a listener of this podcast, you get one hundred dollars off your first month on talk space to match with your perfect therapist, go to talk space dotcom or download the app. Make sure to use the code your mom to get 100 dollars off your first month and show your support for the show. That's your mom and talk space dotcom.


Oh my God.


I was at Dwight Gooden's no hitter in nineteen ninety six and and we're at the game and like the upper deck and my dad's like knows like Dwight Gooden's pitching a no hitter like and I'm you know, a little kid. I'm just happy to be at the game with my dad. My dad's like we're not going to fucking watch a no hitter from up here. We've got to go down behind home plate. And I'm like, well, we don't have tickets for that.


You know, he's like, just listen to everything I tell you to do.


It's like, I swear to God, like true what story? This is, like, crazy.


And I've told this I told this story before, but it's like just like sometimes when I talk it, it's like, oh, I forgot about that part because it's just like certain things block out and then certain things are like, oh, this won't happen.


So it's just to set it up for people. You're at a Major League Baseball game where a major event is a very rare thing has happened. Yes. You're in bad seats. Yes. And you want to get to the primo seats and you're like, we don't have tickets. And your dad's like, follow my lead also.


Yes. Also, I forgot about this part. Also, it's nineteen ninety six. I'm in sixth grade. My father, I had a humongous science project due the next day that I did not complete in time. My father comes from Staten Island to pick me up for the game.


My mother's like Tony, I don't care what's going on. Again, no cell phones yet. I don't care what's going on. You leave after the third or fourth inning. He needs to be home to wake up early tomorrow morning to finish the science project. Those are the rules. I don't care. He needs to come home and do not give him any soda. As soon as my mother shuts the door, we get to the corner. My dad takes out a fucking Mountain Dew, the worst of all.


So, yeah, just takes it out. Gives it to me. Here you go. He goes. Here you go. He goes, just don't obviously don't tell your mom he goes. But I mean she can't deprive you of everything. I mean you were a kid. So like we're drinking the Mountain Dew and I'm fucking wired. I'm like ready to go. I love my dad, you know?


And then I told my dad, you know, it was like maybe like nine o'clock at night. I'm like, oh, it's like the third or fourth inning goes. It will stay one more inning. Like whatever. Like what? We'll tell your mother's trying problems.


Don't worry about it. So I'm like, OK, so then it's like the fifth inning, sixth inning, seventh inning and you're going to hit her pitching the no hitter. And my dad's like she's going to understand. She's going to understand Dwight's pitching in.


No, no. I'm like I don't think my mom knows what that is or cares. She doesn't like sports or she hates you and she doesn't like sports.


So I feel like she's going to care and it's going to get bad. But I'm twelve years old. I'm hanging out my dad, I'm on Mountain Dew and hot dogs and fucking having a great time with my dad. So I'm like, this is awesome. So he goes, just follow everything I tell you to go.


So he's holding my hand and as he's holding my hand he goes, take your hat off. And he, I swear he pushes my bangs down. I don't know what that means, just pushes my bangs down. He hold my hat. I'm like, OK, so we're going down. And then the security guard, you know, this is again pre 9/11. So you could just walk around the stadium. So the security guards there at the top of the seats that are going directly down behind home plate and he sees two or three open seats.


He goes, hey, I see two or three open down there. Can I just you know, it's my kids fucking first game and twice pitching a no no.


Like you understand it, my dad's going to pull out cash, you know, cash and the skirt. Got to put your money away. That's not going to work on me. He goes, I understand.


He goes, well, my kid's got special needs, I swear. And then I look up at him like with like my mouth open because I don't know what to do. And I swear, like, I didn't mean for this happened. I was such and shocked that some drool did come out of my chin. And then the security guard rubs me on my head and goes, have a good time, kid.


And we sit down in these two seats, the row in front of me, it's like a 12 year old wet dream.


I'm like, fuck. And then it's like a complex. So I'm like, do I look like I have special needs? Because nobody ever told me I did. Like, you know, like it's like I remember walking down the steps, like, what the fuck am I like? You did good. The draw was a good touch.


And I'm like, I don't know what to say or do I live in the row.


And I swear to God I don't know what to do.


Do the row in front of me, the row fucking directly in front of me. I'm twelve years old. Nineteen eighty six. Mr. Perfect, the wrestler, Mr. Perfect standing in front of me. I love the WEF. I was a kid Mr. Perfect, sitting right down like that.


That's Mr. Perfect. And he's like, who's that? And I'm like, he's a wrestler like my father wrestlers. Oh my God.


And then I'll never forget to go. Perfect, drop the. He goes, you're perfect, he goes, can my son get an autograph? And then Mr. Perfect says, No, I swear Mr. Perfect says, No, I'm the bad guy. Yeah. And then, like, a few minutes right here. Yeah, Mr. Perfect.


And then a few minutes go by, a few minutes go by, and my dad taps him on the shoulder and goes, perfect kids got special needs, I swear to God. And then I got the autograph. And it's one of those things where people like you make that up for a bit like it's too. And I'm like, no, no, no, no.


You have to understand, I didn't want to do comedy. My therapist was the one who decided who suggested it when I was in my mid 20s. Like, you ever think about doing comedy? Are you serious? I swear to God, he was like Dr. Heidelberg in Brooklyn.


He was like, I just think like, you're a personable guy and you should tell some of these stories, because I would tell them not in a funny way in the fight, like telling them be like, you know, it really hurt me.


It's got special needs, kids got special needs.


I was like it kind of bothered me that my dad would say that to me or, you know, it feels insulting, like I love history, like I have a podcast now. The history in Australianism Unionise, right. Me and Yoni's Poppa's.


We both love history so much. We come from different parts of Brooklyn, but we love history so much.


But for so long I was suppressing that because my dad would just fucking say, like in a loving way, like histories for almost like you would say, like even when I said the history hyena's, he was like the history almost.


No. And I was like, yes, I guess so. So all these things about me that I just thought were like I thought it was gay between my dad and his friends and my Brooklyn and all my friends are cops, firemen, garbage men, criminals like old school, New York, guys that are loving great guys. Yeah, but it's just like all like I thought if you had knowledge or if you wanted to go to school, it was like that, you know, you might as well be sucking dick.


So I was just suppressing it all and just pushing it down and say, OK, I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay.


Knowledge is flomo because you want to be like everybody dropped out, like, you know, like even when I got my doctorate degree, like I remember one of my friends, he didn't get it. He was like, I understand you fucking went to college like you just went to college and now you go to another college, you get stupid. We go back to black colleges. I'm like, I'm getting a doctorate degree is like, but all you fucking real doctor.


It's like, no, I'm a physical therapist who's like, can you write me prescriptions? And I was like, why do you want to know? Is I just want some Xanax.


That's fucking street value.


Your dad's friends, you must be there must be some wild friends hanging out like your dad's friend.


Oh like Bobby Pets'. All those. Yeah. Like barbecues. I didn't realize that when you go to a barbecue at my father's house in the 90s, like so much fun, like characters and characters, I do a joke about it.


And I did. David Letterman, David Letterman.


Another story. Fuck in there if you want to watch my David Letterman said you don't have to.


But the only reason I'm bringing it up is because about three minutes into the biggest set of my life at that time, for sure, you see like me look up and then look down and then like get back into the sentence, because my father, mother and one of my friends from home and my aunt were there and my step mom, you know, my core family members and friends, my dad in the middle of the SAT decides that my mom is the one sitting center.


And he was like, you weren't. And, you know, my friend told me after you like, there was a commotion that you could hear because it's pin drop silence where my dad was arguing with my mother that they should switch seats and he should be center. And if he's going to look up in the crowd to see him and then my friend was like he was like because Lynn, you weren't at his first show at the Maui Taco.


I was on there arguing about it.


And my mother during the set, during the Letterman set that the ushers came down the aisle because they don't fuck around. Yeah.


The ushers came down the aisle and we're like, you know, like, my friend was like, you know, the flash. I'm like, hey, could they know who's sitting where? They're like, hey, we know that your kid, if you don't stop, we will throw you out. And then my dad, which is like, you know, like looked ahead like pissed off at my mother, was just like so and like I heard that commotion.


But that's just how it's why you look. That's why I look up because I heard it and I was like, oh boy. And you knew it. Whatever it was, I knew what it was. But again, like that's like wrong of my dad, but he's just like I'm just so proud that that's my kid.


Of course. So so it's but I tell a story a bit on Letterman about one of my dad's friends, like I always noticed. And it's just like a true thing. I always notice that they always had, like, companies that I knew weren't real. That's how I knew, like there was some illegal activity going on because I was like, there's not a real company because my one of my dad's friends, he had a company I made up like a nickname for him for the show.


But the truth is, is that he would sell like, you know, like and fence's like there's little parts like like excess wire. Yeah. He told me once that's what his company calls you ever going to fence a nice neighborhood. There's a little twisty things on top of the fucking pipes.


I make those. That's what I do. I sell to Twisties. Then I had another guy tell me that he put buttons on top of hats. He's like, I got a company with two buttons on top of hats called Button that well, I didn't know what it was.


And I just as a kid, like I was like, oh, this is funny, but it was like they were making up. Yeah.


So what's funny, though, is do they make it so uninteresting like that you're like, you know, when you're on an airplane back in the day and someone's like, what do you do for a living? The last thing you say is comedian. No, you American button Buttermaker. I mean, is that why you think they came up with such silly, you know, pen caps?


Yeah, I make a fucking bet on this and nobody wants to hear it. I. I think because, you know, my mom and I are very different lives, like Monday to Friday was my mom all about education? We're working on our words. We're pronouncing our hours.


We're going to be kind of socially acceptable. And then weekends with my dad on Staten Island was just free for all. Whatever you want. Fuck. And let's go crazy sports, you know, whatever you're going to be a man, that type of stuff. So I my mother would always say, like, you know, like when you go into a party, you know, introduce yourself, ask a question show you're interested, all that stuff. So I would just like, you know, thought that apply to everyone.


But I remember, like, one of my dad's friends, I was like, oh, hey, what do you do for a living?


And I remember he said, What are you writing a fuckin book report? He's like, this kid's writing because I told you I'll never forget. He said to me, That goes Tony. I mean, it's for kids. You talking to this fucking kid, you know? And I was like, oh, like, I know you're like I'm just saying I was kid at my birthday party.


I'm just welcoming and, you know, and and then that they would go into that and then. Yeah, like my I remember it was always a good sign.


By the way, if you just ask the one like one question, like, what's your what's with the questions.


Like, I'm just asking, you know, what was my first question? I could write a fuckin book report and then it was like, oh, they would then they would joke around like I have to, like, always tap me down for a wire, which was like funny to them.


And they would laugh out, like, I feel like, what the fuck?


You know, they're like this kid's wearing a wire. And then but it was kidding. But then I kind of like was always on the fence because, like, I don't know if they are I don't know if they are. And I don't ask any questions. I don't care. Like, I love being with my dad and he's a great guy and whatever. But then it was maybe like 2000.


I don't remember the exact year, maybe two thousand seven humongous sting operation in New York where they arrested like a hundred and thirty members of the Mafia, like it was the biggest.


They had to rent out a gymnasium to like and bring a judge in because it was this huge sting operation that, like, effectively put like the final nail in like the old school mafia coffin. After Giuliani instituted RICO Act, it took like twenty fifteen years for everybody start to go away. But this was like the kind of thing and then it was on the news. They showed all the guys like the mug shots and like 15 of them were at my dad's barbecue throughout the years.


I was like, OK, so now I know. Yeah. Now that's like all these guys I know.


That guy. That guy, that guy. That guy, that guy. That guy. I'm like, here we go.


So but yeah, I mean again, just fucking like the greatest dad in the world. I'll dude even like stories like that aren't really even like kids. I just feel like it's like unfair in like these times now we're like woak police will just like want to persecute someone. It's like very like fascist. We're like if you don't agree with me, you're like the worst person like my dad. Like anything my dad said around like some woak person, I mean would be like, what the fuck.


Like, you know, my dad would not get a Netflix special right now, you know, like there's like no and and it's not happen.


But like like in 2012 when Hurricane Sandy happened, ravage New York, destroyed New York, especially Staten Island, my dad lives. And on the coast there were like these little bungalows where like a lot of like, you know, like Latinos lived and was like kind of like like low income housing, but was mostly Latinos living there. And my dad every day would rent a U-Haul truck or whatever, helped them unload stuff in and out of the truck, you know, get them on their feet.


For two weeks, he had a family in his house because his house wasn't really damaged in his basement. Let them live, would take the kids to and from school every day. But he was still my dad. So like, for example, like the the leader of the family, the father, his name was Jose. My dad would call him Juan.


He's like, Juan, you want some Bustelo? You know, we don't have pushed all the silverware. You're not going to steal my for fucking Pedro. I'm like, the kid's name is Jason, you know, and but like the act.


So, you know, like the intentions where I'm going to help this. So you would talk to you would talk to the family and they'd be like still they're like your dad is like our hero.


I feel like reasonable people get that. That is just the layers of human beings. I know that you're like there's a guy who was doing great things and he makes off color comments and jokes.


It's only like in today's world where people make the biggest deal about the comments and then discard the act, the behavior, look at people's behavior.


That's how you judge a man by. Well, that's what I feel too like. But I'm kind of realizing, too, I know if you guys are realizing it, like there's also like an entitlement and being a victim to like being a victim is like you're just as entitled for something and you're just as narcissistic as the people that you claim to hate.


You know, hate Trump or you hate anybody in power. You're like you're just you everything being it's like life is not easy. There's a different everybody. There's different phases and every group of human beings every decade we have to deal with a new crisis. That's just what life is.


But it's like if you're going to sit here and say that twenty, twenty is not is is worse than the eighteen hundreds in New York, it's like you're being a victim, you're being entitled to being narcissistic.


It's like stop like really understand like how good things are even in the midst of a pandemic as compared to the hundreds or nineteen hundred. It's absurd.


But you know, most people if you say that they're like fuck you. Yeah. You know, like so it's like, it's just a little like exhausting now where I'm like I like people in the middle. I like centrist people, I'm like, if you're taking a fucking stand on one side or the other, I'm just like, you're probably too much for me. Like, I need to know. I'm Christi down the middle. I'm Christie Gray zones.


So which way is it going to go? You know, that's what I like.


I think most reasonable people are. Absolutely.


Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Reasonable do the right thing in November, you know, do the right thing to make America great again.


Keep it great. You mentioned it. Trump 2020. No, no. I actually don't know. Vote for the Donald, Donald Trump is the man. And let's put our nation into his. And Mike Pence and Donald make a great team. They'll make our nation the greatest hits and they've got the wisdom, courage and pride. And criminal Clinton ought to go hide and they know our borders leak like a sieve.


They'll build a wall all the time. It's not gonna give up. Well, there's more of that. But you understand.


Well, do we finish the wall or not? It's coming. Very patriotic. Very fond of the great guy.


No great guy. Nice chain to Jesus. His fucking height and weight in gold. Something my dad would wear with a Yankees batting practice jersey.


Oh, my God. Yeah, that's all that guy would wear and fucking suit jacket sweatpants and my kind of.


Did you know, when we moved to Florida when I was 14 and I got my haircut, I would tell you this by a really Italian New York guy named Silvio, OK, I mean, a heavy accent and he would take two hours to cut my hair because he would go like clip-clop and he step step back and talk to people and he would talk.


And I find him, like, so entertaining. Sure. And over time, you know, I get to those guys, cut my hair year, one year, two years. So I'm like, you know, I always pressing questions, right? Yeah. Like, so when did you move down here?


You know, he's like happened like like 98. What do you the police know he's like and he's real sweet guy. And then one day just through all the Italian stories and stuff and I go, did you ever know any, like, mob guys up there?


He just stopped and he was like, yeah. And I go with the like, did you know him?


He's like and he just one day he just tells me because so this crew used to use my shop as a meeting place because they needed a place that wasn't compromised. And I go, so how did it work? He goes, they would a guy would just come in and say, we need to talk here. And then I would go for a walk. And then I would when I came back, they would be gone and they would just be cash on the table.


And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah.


I mean, of course I'm a high school kid. I was like, that's awesome. He's like, I was fucking terrifying, man then and then. And then I'm like, So why did you move down here though?


He was like, because, yeah, you got to get away. Yeah. He moved down to Florida just to get away from that.


Yeah. Yeah I would too. Anytime you act like an old Italian man or I say it's mostly Italian if you're like from New York and you ask them all what you do for a living and they say many things, you know, they're telling you that I'm in the Mafia.


That's like the little code. Yeah. They say many things.


That's how, you know, I had a yeah. A friend whose dad was into crimes. That was a Latin OK from the Latin world. What they say when, you know, they're like definitely a criminal. Import-Export Yeah.


You go down to Miami and you're like, what's your dad doing that import export and import export? Like what? What do you import and export, though? Like goods and clothes and the like. All types of things all the time. Like drugs. That's what it is. Yeah. Import export. Good. Yeah.


So could you have a more vague description of your job. Import export. Import export.


That's true, yes. My dad was always friends with these old school Hungarians that were like missing knuckles. One guy, he's dead now.


He he would do this thing where he would refill ink ink cartridges, OK? Like he would get them out of dumpsters and then refill them and sell them is new. Yeah. And he made millions of dollars doing this and then he would make it all off the books.


He had no Social Security number anyway. He ended up getting cancer in Miami and couldn't get health insurance because he had no Social Security number, couldn't get anything and had to pay cash for all of his cancer treatments and like basically lost all the money for all his crimes.


It's real sad, which sucks. You want to keep that? I mean, your cash, your crimes. Yeah.


Yeah. Well, then there was that one young girl that I met at a party out. Like we're like when somebody made the comment, like he had the slim weight, they're going to like they're going to say, looking good.


He goes one apple, one apple a day.


He's like all day he goes for lunch. I have an apple. That's it. That's team. That's all you need. I'm like, that's not all I need do.


Yeah. So, you know, I need a lot more. Do you want to lose weight on Apple?


I've had two in three Starbucks pumpkin scones this morning. There are 500 calories each Krissi bishops, Kristie.


Yeah, I just. Yeah dude I need to fucking eat.


Yeah. You're just gonna eat shit.


I get angry. I feel like your dad would be a fan of Dan Pain, yet you know the opinion.


I don't know. This is this goes to everybody like shit.


And why have I been so fucking successful over these twenty five years? Because I think it works. And the reason you're here, you still think it's because nobody treated you like. Yeah. What's your fucking weakness.


Oh I love this guy. Yeah. I mean that guy like literally that's a guy. That's a guy for me. Yeah. Just you know that's a guy for me. I don't care. It's like what. Political affiliation. Like I'm just looking at him as a human being. That's a guy for me. Yeah. I love that shit.


Dad got the money I got. Yeah. I got a few bob. Yeah. OK, you support Trump. Yep. Yep.


I was one of the first endorsers public endorses President Trump is going to do when I'm ocean level rises.


God. Thank you for asking that question. I have the answer that I have the answer. Well, thank you for the question. Yeah, OK. This is the first time we're changing the gas.


Now you're full of shit.


Sit down. I'm going to ask you to shut up. Shut up and sit down. Sit down. I live for the state of Florida, for example, which is one of the fastest growing.


I just love these guys. Ten out of ten.


Oh, you're hanging out with losers, wasting your time with people that me correcting you. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. That's one of your top top. It is three pieces. Show me your friends and I show you your future. You want to know why you're all fucked up?


Just look at the fucking bombs you hang around through this authentic. That's what I that's what I'm drawn to is fucking real. He's a real guy.


This is why you're fucking poor.


You're a cunt, Brian. I love it.


Isn't he the best I've got? I've never heard of this guy. Oh, he said he's.


Anyone ever said, fuck you, damn Panya, I'm walking out the door. No, I've thrown a couple out, but nobody's ever said that, no, I take that back one one Romanian walked out the door because he said I was making fun of him, calling them a gypsy Roma.


But then when we came back in the afternoon, he was sitting in the library and I thought I thought you left. He says, no, no, no, you were right. So I'll be the first if I walk. Yeah, yeah. If you walk, you'll be all right. You'll be there. Plenty of cons here, but you may be the first to walk out.


There's this guy I've ever had him on the show. Yeah. Yeah, we had. And we had lunch. We had lunch with him. He just same same wonderful guy.


He's actually, you know, like he's he is authentically the same guy I remember.


I was like, hey, I was like, can I get some you know, you're a business coach. So I get some business advice and he's like, Yeah, what about. And I go like, so you know what's like a good advice for me. Like he's like, well like how do you make your money. And I go touring, doing standup shows. He goes do more fucking shows. Yeah. I was like, is that the advice.


He's like yeah, yeah. Make more money, do more shows fuckface.


And I was like, All right, thanks man. Yeah.


No, but business wise, you guys are fantastic with the business.


I mean, fantastic, like absolutely admirable and inspirational. Like even the the live show streaming shows. Yeah. Yeah I, I'm trying to do one. I'm doing one on October twenty third 8pm Cristie Comedy Dotcom. But I was like man like watching the way you guys promo and all that stuff. I'm like that's like you guys are obviously excellent at the show.


But the business part, which I think a lot of us forget in entertainment is like that certain way as important, maybe more, you know where I'm like man like fucking that's that's what we got to do. So I've been trying to focus more on that. Like, how do I got to, like, bring people? That's why I've been on Patreon a lot, because I feel like man, if they cancel anybody out here, like we got to have a place where it's like, yeah, I want to be able to say whatever the fuck I want.


And if the person wants to pay five bucks for it, they can pay five bucks for it, you know.


Well, good. And because the gatekeepers of this business are no longer the gatekeeper. So they have no more power. No no manager, no agent, none, no executive is going to get fired in two fucking weeks is going to control you and no more and and good riddance. You can do it all yourself.


You don't need him. I feel like the algorithm the algorithm is the gatekeeper now. That's right.


That's right. And smart are you to be doing that stuff and doing your live. Yeah, yeah.


I'm doing the live stream. And what's your live stream? Is it a standup livestream or just like stand up?


I was going to do stand up. Are you going to do it? Wall Street Theater, Norwalk, Connecticut, and you're going to stream it streaming. So there's a hundred only a hundred people allowed in the theater.


Those tickets are sold out. But then, you know, on my website you can like that's great. I can get as many and as, you know, whatever. Fifty thousand seats, whatever. So I'm going to, you know, try to like, give people an opportunity. I've never come to your city or all over the world.


I mean anywhere should keep it up for 48 hours. We'll get the tickets for that. Chris de comedy dotcom Chris D comedy dot com. Yeah. And then actually we just did an episode on the History Hyena's podcast. It's about this guy, Clarence King, who's like we call him like the original Sean King because like Sean King, you know, it's like, you know, it's like activist and activist. But he's clearly white. He's just saying he's black, you know, like we did like a whole episode.


And by the way, every time that anything happens and like he says something, all of black Twitter just goes, fuck this piece of shit. Yeah, it's it's remarkable. Yeah. You're like, what?


Like, dude, I don't the only problems I have is like, OK, you want to start, you know, if you're starting something with a lie, it's like a problem. But it's OK if you're doing good for the community, great. But it's like a lot of times he'll lie and like incite shit, you know, like that's the issue I have with you, dude. Yeah. But so we found this guy, Clarence King, who pretty much like just like liked this, like he was a white guy.


And then he just saw black woman walking towards him in like the nineteen twenties and was like, there's no way this girl is going to go out with me if I say I'm white. We just introduced himself as a black man. He was like, hey, I'm black, here's my name. And then they got married like ten years later. But if you Google the picture, Clarence King, this guy looks like you. We were calling him finally.


I was calling him Tom Cigarroa on the podcast. Let's see, Clarence King, Google Clarence King. And then just images one of the pictures we thought, oh, look at that. That one. The third one, it was like that looks like Thompson grew a little bit on me. Yeah. So Clarence King and I was like, there he is. You are.


And they'll see like, that's an episode that like we airline, we put it out. Yeah, we black. I'm black. And if you're black, I would like to have sex with you too.


Yeah. It's just a fascinating thing. That's what our podcast is, that we just find things in history.


That's facts. So this dude, that's really what happened. He just literally though and then go to the picture to the right there, because that must be him in the lady. That same lady. Oh yeah. Oh. But he had to. He had to.


Where was what city was he in. I think I'm forgetting now. I think it was either Ohio or New York.


Why is he notable. Like why is there a wiki of him.


Because because he at the end of his so he had a wife, he had a white wife and three white kids and then married this woman. Oh, his black wife and had kids with her. And it was only on his deathbed did he ever say, hey, I'm white. I've never been black because.


Back then in that time, and like in this time, if you because the white man was like so on top, you just have to believe what he said. So if I'm if I'm a white man saying, hey, guess what, I'm black as a black woman, or you have to just pretty much go with it. Yes. Because if not, like, you could be trouble in your life. So that's what he was like. But for the most part, black women wouldn't date black men like they'd be a black woman, wouldn't date white men.


So he's just like made a split second decision.


Like he was like, this girl's got fucking is hot.


So I'm going to say I'm black for the rest of my life. So he left his white wife and no, he had his wife and white wife and kids and he would go on business trips back to go back and forth. But the controversy was at the end of his life. On his deathbed, he left his inheritance. He had a lot of money. He left it to the black wife because he really fell in love with her. I loved her and she never got the money.


And 30 years later, but we just did like the first Shaun King because we was like, OK, a great granddad. We just always thought it was like a funny thing. That's very funny. But like episodes like this, like we did a lot of it on YouTube. But then, like, when we really started getting fucking nuts and wild, you know, we just put it on Patrinos. That's the way to do it. So that's just what we do.


So that's the way to do it. And like all like on Patrón, like we're doing a morning show there every Wednesday and like you're saying wild shit about the news. We do a conspiracy show. We do like you guys have good chemistry. We feed it, Yonathan. I try to feed it. So it's Patrón dot com slash Bayridge boys if you guys want to check it out support.


And because I just feel like then you become like invincible. Like I feel like you guys can't be cancelled. Andrew Schultz and Tim Dillon, these guys can't be canceled. So I want that, you know, like even now I'm doing a pilot for Tru TV.


And I asked him, I was like, have you guys like, listen to some I said wild shit on my podcast, like, wild nuts fucking shit. And they were like, yeah, we listen, we don't kind of don't care. And if the show gets on the air, like, we'll deal with it then. But even that, I'm like, well, if you were going to cancel me, it kind of almost helps in a weird way, even though, like, I don't want to go through that.


It's like, oh, because then people say, like, I've only come with things like from love, like I was going to make like a racist joke. It's like it's because I'm it's a joke. Like I love people. I'm from New York that we love everybody but this cancer culture shit, I'm like happy to have a place where it's like even if you took it all the way protected, they're my fans would be like, no, we're strong where you're based.


Yep. So.


And they will. Yeah, I hope so. Oh. Oh. What's this. You been on a tick tock.


Oh well no I won't do anything to support the Chinese. Red, white and blue look pretty.


You know, I am on tick tock. Yeah.


OK, so Christina Crate's talks, which he likes to call dark talks, not ones that they want you to see, not people doing fun dances and making cupcakes. This is the other real talk. Real tick tock. Let's you and we just check them out every week.


Hey, guys. Hey guys. I'm sorry about my hair, you all that, but I did my yoga this morning. And just so you know, that's part of my three workouts that you get when you buy when you buy my workout plans. And it is really great. It stretches me out. It gets me motivated for the day. You should get it, guys. Come on, get your yoga workout.


That is a good sales. Guys, you are working. You're what? You're worth it.


Yeah. He said thank you. Third workout of the day, man. I like it. He looks Amish. Yeah, he does. And first thing I think when I see him, he's like, this guy knows how to work out a hundred percent.


Well, you want to do your workout ad laying down on a bed? Yeah. It really shows people workout today. So energized.


But I'd be more inclined to support this guy. Yeah, I would support this guy. I'm like this fucking guy seems all right. You know, I'm not I know I'm not going to get anything from a workout class anyway. I just like you. Either do it or you don't do it. I many black and white books.


I'll tell you this later on. I'll just I'll let you know I got one of his workouts. OK, I'll share it with you after. OK, thank you. I appreciate it. I think is probably better off the air. Yeah.


I don't want to give away charges for four. Yeah.


Can't wait to get ripped. He's also got a sale for military police and firefighters. They get five dollars as they should.


Yes. Very, very cool. I just wanted to update you guys on his career. Thanks a lot for pulling that. Yeah, you got it.


That. Yeah. Thank you. You got. Good morning, my queen. You are very stunning. Thank you for the compliment. And you have a wonderful day here. The Queen of the Day. Oh, I love it.


It says we love a non paedophilic king, but don't forget.


Hello, my eighteen and up to this guy sometimes makes it clear that he's like, good morning, my eighteen plus queens, which is important in twenty twenty.


It is so easy. You know, he's taking full credit.


I like that guy. Yeah. And paedophilic. I'm trying to I think.


Yeah. Is it here. Is this right. That's the original one. Very dark one. The dark one.


Good morning. My is above eighteen. Yes. He makes it real clear and he rhymes it. Yeah. My queens of eighteen queen eighteen.


Yeah. Did you find out by the way. Did you find out what was going. On here, though, you need to think about, you know, when you drink alcohol. Oh, my God, you'll never read to me. And after that, you're gonna be.


Oh, is this OK?


OK, all right. That's it. That's exactly how my dad put my bags at the Yankee game. That's what I felt like for about a month after I was like looking at them like this was me when I was 12.


That is one of the funniest things. That is the distinct area that special needs kids, special needs. I mean, it's like enjoy, enjoy the game.


Yeah, dude, my dad fucking so he was like with all like to defund the police thing. Like he like they had one, they had a march in Bay Ridge which is like fucking crazy part of Brooklyn like outskirts like probably like a red, you know, votes red area. But it was so funny dude. Like they tried to fucking do like a little protest through Bayridge and it just didn't work that to defund the police.


And then the Bayridge guys came out with signs that said refund the police like we thought to give a more fuck goodbody. I say we pay him double talk to the people just like loudly. Yeah, my dad. It's just funny to just watch people leave, you know. Well, this whole thing now, everything now is like theatrics, though.


Oh, sure. It's really for show. Like I don't know how many people really know people are bored as fuck. Yeah. They're bored out of their minds.


Also not get turned on or stay interested if there is no power play or fight for power either in the streets or in the streets. I mean both. Otherwise I'm just to get bored and I'm going to overpower you and I'm. I know I need to be bullied as well, and I need you to fight me then your lover, I just recruited she being serious, huh? Yeah, she's like she's a lesbian on Tecktonik and she's always putting these cool.


Like what? I just love it. I just think she's absurd putting it out there like that. Yeah.


I mean, this to me was all like, I know she's a lesbian, but like in a straight woman, that type of like I need to be I need you to fuck with me psychologically. Yeah. Was always a turnoff of.


What do you mean.


Like I never I need to make sure you play games if we are together.


I kind of I thought when the video started, I thought it was Tony Hinchcliffe.


She could kick Tony's ass.


She probably could easily. Oh my God. If you can't handle me and my pathological need for both validation and affection, you don't deserve me. My also pathological need for extremely rough and kinky sex.


They're a great match. But she's gay.


I love this guy. Yeah, I did too. Wow. It's a lot.


These millennials are just demanding shit from people.


Yeah. He's one of the most terrifying guys I think we've ever fitty. His arms are so long, man. I know. Shockingly long arms. Also the complete total lack of emotion is a little off button.


He's dead inside. Yeah, right. He's like no blinking. Yeah. Fucking nuts. I need like, OK. All right.


Yeah. Well, it's an interesting approach to dating. I mean, you really just put it out there. Those are very specific need to look in the eyes.


And also it's just a completely monotone. Yeah. See it again.


I want to stand in the shower. He's doing it again and me and my pathological need for both validation and affection. You don't deserve me. My also pathological need for extremely rough and kinky sex.


This is my God, I know that nose piercing also is it's really right in the middle. It's just right there. She's I mean, you go to that. What do you got? You got drill drill right fucking here.


And he's like fifteen years old. What does he know about his kinky sweat?


Like a guy like this, like leaves an impression on people like have you ever been in the presence of like a true sociopath? Yeah, like a dead inside person. I haven't. But my mom my aunt tells just fucking the way she told the story to us once where I was, we were like, what?


So her husband is originally from Utah, OK? And his sister when she was like, I don't know, sixteen, not sixteen, nineteen in like the seventies goes on a date with this guy. And my answer is like telling a story goes on a date with this guy and he seems like, you know, she's like she's on the date with this guy. She's just like there's like a sociopathic look in his eyes, like he's dead inside, like he picked her up.


And it's weird. And she's just like I just feel extremely uncomfortable. Like, I cannot explain. I'm just shivering with fear. I don't want to be here any more on the day because you would ask him questions and she was like it would it would like bounce off him and he'd give like a programmed response, like robotic in the 70s. And she was like I was very uncomfortable with it.


And so she called her brother, my aunt's husband, to come pick her up. And he was like, OK, so comes picked her up. They go back. No problem. The brother is going out the next morning at like six thirty in the morning for, like, his paper route or something like that. The job that he had and the guy on the date from the night before runs out of the bushes.


So he was waiting at the house to like do something, whatever.


And it's like so creepy and weird and like it just stayed.


It stayed with this woman for so long, five years later, whatever it was, fucking Ted Bundy. Oh, it was Ted Bundy.


She went out on a date with Ted fucking Bundy. And to this day, never. She said, when you're ever in the presence of a sociopath, you know, if she is like I never in a million years, she's like, he wasn't doing anything wrong. He was just looking through me at the way that I felt so violently uncomfortable. And was fucking Ted Bundy already killed women at that time and like was one hundred percent just going to kill this lady, which I was like, how sick is that?


And that when I looked at that guy, I just thought that Ted Bundy was like, that's like a little more. Yeah, yeah. It's like a it's like a gender fluid. Ted Bundy. Yeah, yeah. He's got to this guy Bundy for sure.


If you were like when you come in bed and like, just cut me open and be like, OK, yeah. OK, yeah. Yeah ok. OK. Yeah. But I mean yeah he's that's really crazy.


Yeah. She told that she was telling us that story and we were like wow this is like we're on the edge of our seats, we're like crazy. And then she's I can guess who it was.


Yes. Ted Bundy at that. Yeah. She was like Ted Bundy. Turkey's done.


You want to black kid. You just painted black country took so mind how you go and keep that you ostrove this one's a master of accents.


Can you understand what the fuck just happened. They're very small bits and pieces of it. Yeah. I thought he was having a stroke. Yeah.


But I thought the tick tock was one black kid. Y'all just entered. Tick tock. So now you go and keep at the Ostro mind, how are you going to keep out the road?


I don't know, but you've just entered black country. Tick, tick tock.


Yeah, I would not think black country tick tock would be that guy.


Like, it's not that area. Yeah. That guy or the kinky teenager.


Kinky team all the way. Kinky teen running into the kinky teen outside that house would be all to yourself. Hey Christy.


Hi Michel. Are you ready to push me psychologically?


Hey, what's up on Jimmie Creek? I'm just looking for a man or a friend or maybe more on the bike and hit me up. All right. Out. Go from Idaho. From California. What's up in the upcoming cross-bred? And it's a press. This guy needs a patriot. Yeah, well, this is cool.


So this is a tic tac prison. Love and friendship. And you can hook up with inmates.


And by the way, though, there's nothing better if you're out there and you're just looking to connect with somebody hit up JP James Creech here, James Cretz.


He's from California. He's been talking about Khalistan. You can talk about California stuff.


Yeah. Yeah, very cool.


I like this guy. Yeah. The shirt comes off for this one. Here we go. Oh. Oh, what was this? Floyd Mayweather out there it is. Fire.


He was really good. That was good. Those are sweet tits. I mean, those are big ones. I thought the UFC fight was the best fighting I'd seen in a while, but, yeah, that was pretty good. My son is the rogue, if you don't mind. Give me this file.


It's really good kg. I would love to hear his his comment. You know, I can send it to Austin and I'll send it to Israel and be like, you think you can fight this guy. Yeah. Yeah. See what he says.


He says, I just love how he's like, take my shirt off for this one. Yeah. He's really doing some shit. Yeah. Yeah.


Do you think, like, you could like, last like ten seconds with Mike Mike Tyson. No, no. Right now I know.


I don't know that I even now he's fifty three and. Yeah. Here's the thing.


I mean you could maybe last ten seconds of, of not getting hit like you could like if you're an athletic dude you can maybe but once he, if he's landing.


But even if you're blocking it he's landing body shot. Yeah. Hooks it's going to be over really fast. That's the thing with me too is like people are like, oh, you're athletic. It's a fucking it's a mirage, dude. I mean, I play ball.


But ever since then, dude, it's leading man face, best friend body.


That's how I roll to these streets. I auditioned for like a Marvel movie. I take your shirt off.


It was like a good audition and like put it back on. I was like, yeah, it's just a letdown. But now I don't care about our relationship.


Think is so much like fighting is insane with when it comes to athleticism because athletic people will think like they can fight sometimes. And yeah, you're like do you have a background in fighting. And they're like, no, I'm like, why do you think that you'll just be able to fight?


Like it's one thing to be like a fought a dude who said some shit to me and. Yeah, but like against a trained fighter. Oh yeah. They're going to fucking destroy you.


One of my friends, Russ, got fucking annihilated this summer in Long Beach, New York. I'm too humongous. Fish Frank out his fucking ass kicked because he popped off. They were drunk. He popped off on someone and he thought he could handle himself because he was take he had taken a month of cardio kickboxing. Yeah, no, it's a cardio kickboxing. That shit my mom does. Yeah. You just got your ass handed to you.


I was in a boxing gym. Where? It was like a class and then there was a there's a couple of rings there, so in the ring is a 19 year old junior Olympian, right? He's just warming up. He's doing his jump rope pop up and he's working mitts.


And then one of the kids who has been like side by side with us and we're doing drills, you know, whatever, Tony. Like, why jump in with him? And I'm like, you're going to jump in with this junior Olympian. And I didn't know that this kid who who who is like side by side doing drills with us in class was like a prodigy. He gets in there and is like going toe to toe with this with this junior Olympian.


And I go, wait, how old is this? This kid like this? Right. This bad ass was 15. Whoa. He's 15 years old.


And I and it wasn't that that was the moment where I was like this 15 year old, without a doubt, could fuck me up beyond recognition. A sophomore in high school could beat the fucking.


Then Mike Tyson started like 13 years. Yeah, he was full of people and he would fuck you fucking people up in the streets. Yeah.


And they put him in. Yeah. They put they started training them and they were like, OK, monster. Yeah. Monster.


One of my friends when I was 19 years old, I just decided to get circumcised. This kid, he just decided to get circumcised. Polish kid born in Poland. He was dating this girl and she's like she didn't want the foreskin. So he got the fucking shirt. And then she dumped him like two weeks later. But he came into school on crutches. Right.


He comes in on crutches and he I'm like, dude, you hurt your ankle or something like that is like knife to my back. I'm like, you shouldn't be on crutches. Then he's like, nah, I should be. I'm like, what's going on? Like, tell me the truth. It's going to be like, don't make a big deal. But I got circumcised. You wanted to get circumcised. I'm like, let me see your fucking dick right now.


So he pulls out his dick and I mean, do they look like like an ISIS beheading video?


It was like just I was like, holy smokes. But we fucking like two days later, you know, this idiot, he calls me. He's like, bro, I think I got an infection in my car. I'm like, Yeah, well, you got shirt.


Like, why would you get circumcised? Like, we're 19. So anyway, we go to the hospital, I go to the hospital because he's like his dick is just like I mean a little dick.


And now it's like really like it's like he's like, I can't even pee. Like my dick is inside my body.


So we go we're waiting in the E.R. and a guy comes in who are from a boxing gym. The reason I bring it up comes in boxing gym. He had just he was boxing sparring with someone. And allegedly the story, like we were hearing from the nurses was he thought he was a little bit better boxer than he was and trained with someone who was professional. Some are professional and they were kind of like digging in on each other. And the professional hit him with an uppercut and skimmed his nuts by action.


And split is not sac open.


And his balls fell out of a sack from a fucking guy.


Thought he could fight a pro fighter in, you know, some fucking sparring jock.


I told the story.


I told the story to Joe, who then told it, who brought it up.


If you ever look up Charlie Murphy on Funny on Rogen, OK, so I find out Charlie's doing Rogen and I go, you got to ask him about Johnny Gill and Oscar de la Hoya. He's like, What? Yeah. So what happened was when I won that I want a contest, I met Joe. I want a contest to a stand up contest to host shows for him. Right. John Heffron and Charlie Murphy went on tour to the maximum bud like Real Men of Comedy tour.


It was called And I'm on the tour.


And Charlie Murphy asked me if I want to go to dinner with him.


And I was like, yeah, this is like at the just after the height of Chappelle's shows them.


And we're we're at dinner and Johnny goes he looks up at the TV or at some restaurant. He goes, do you think Oscar de la Hoya up your. Yes, I was like, yeah, yeah. He's like for like for real.


Right? And I was like, without a doubt, Oscar de la Hoya would fuck me up because he's like, that's what I think, too.


And I was like, what would give you any doubt about that? He's like Johnny Gill. I was like, Johnny, what did Johnny what's Johnny Gill say, Sonny Girl? The R&D. Sure, sure. Yeah. He goes, Johnny Gill said that he could be Oscar de la Hoya, his ass. I was like, What?


Why? And he's like, because he's pretty like, yeah, it would happen so fast.


You wouldn't even you wouldn't do trying to start it.


Oscar de la Hoya would beat the shit out of me in the lingerie in heels he was wearing.


Yeah. I remember one day like like he would fucking light me up. Yes. Dressed like that. It's impossible to beat a professional even though he's tiny.


I mean, he's tiny. You know, a boxer, a professional boxer would kill me.


Well, also, it's like with Oscar de la Hoya and anyone like that level, it's the speed that ends up killing you. Right?


Like you don't even know that four punches have hit you. Sure. Like that. And you would be like either on the ground or just completely disoriented.


It's so fast. So fast. Yeah, but I love that Johnny Gill was like I could kick his ass. Yeah.


Johnny pretty well. That's a random too.


I know. And I mean it was it's such a ridiculous point that I was like, wait, Johnny Gill thinks he could beat up. He's like, yeah, you know, what I heard is if I did this show, I closed the show with Fat Joe, the rapper Fat Fuckin Greatest of all time.


Yeah. But so, you know, I haven't seen him in a few years. But when we did the show, he told us just. Or you like you fucking R. Kelly is like the baddest motherfucker of all time, like we'll beat the shit out of anybody and then, like, sing, you know, his songs. Like, I never knew. He's like, dude, he was like, you know, because I said to him, I was like, you know, being like a tough rap, like, who's a guy?


Like you would never fuck with his. Like, you honestly want my real answer, bro?


Mark Kelly, I was like Mark Kelly.


He was like, dude, he's a real motherfucker as real as it gets.


And then I was like, holy shit balls.


So I would never think when the story first broke about him being a piece of shit. Oh, I mean, the first story that broke ten years ago, all the same Chicago Sun-Times writer who wrote this exposé, and he's still like the guy he's in the documentaries now. He said that he's like R. Kelly is a filthy man.


Sure. He doesn't shower. No. Like and he will go like a week and he'll be just a complete mess. You'll smell him like a fucking hallway. What is that? And it'll be R. Kelly, just like in his he's probably like full blown mental illness stuff.


Just like mentally sick guy. Yeah. You know, not that that excuses anything.


It's like you just you got to you know, you're saying that you you excuse it and that you love you're saying no. You're saying what Chris is saying. Yeah. Chris is saying that R. Kelly is actually a good guy. Yes. You should forgive him for anything that you think.


And with and I've been watching the video when he urinated on that girl because I have the prostatitis and I'm trying to get motivation because I can pay right now because my prostates do swollen.


So that's the only thing I could do. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know, I yeah. I don't, I don't know.


OK, well before we go here, I want to just replug everything history hyena's with you and your honest pop. Yes.


You have a patriot Patrón Dotcom slash Bayridge boys and on the 16th, your October 2013 October twenty third at Christie Comedy Dotcom Live Stream show anywhere in the country can buy tickets right now anywhere in the world. And then October 8th to the eleventh, I'm on tour with Andrew Santino, the steamy Windows Tour.


That's right. You guys are doing drive in drive ins, Cape Cod, Massachusetts, which I believe is sold out, and then Butler, Pennsylvania. Scranton, Pennsylvania and Delaware.


Texas was absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much. Appreciate you guys. This is a lot of fun. Thank you. Our closing song, Cool Girls Club, and this is rare. It's by Versace Colossi, a female oh lady oh Versace Clarkson Cool Girls Club.


And she also has a cameo by the desperate one, my blue haired summer girlfriend from episode one of the live show. Oh, wow. Okay. Yes. All right.


Very nice thing. Here we go. Versace, ecologically speaking. Who the fuck is this for me, purple hair girl from the chair. I was on my cell phone. Can that time remember? Oh hell yeah man. What? I think I remember you. You were looking for being on the couch. Yeah, I remember you. I don't have time to talk. Whisson, where are you at? I'm just home here. Now hold up though.


Where are you calling from? I'm stuck way down in the mountains. I need you to come get me. Yeah, I can do that. I'm looking at, say, eight o'clock. Eight fifteen five. You're doing good. Thank you so much. You're literally saving my life. Sam, say no more. I am on the way that awesome hits on me. Beat me. You're the coolest for this. No you are. You are the coolest schoolgirl's for life we about a year.


Oh you just can't bring myself to do the math. We're rolling. Anderson Cooper took my sister and now we got explosive material. Do not piss me off. Just keep on scrolling. I mean, and then she'll need that that you hold in to tell her I'm a fucking walking mermaid bitch and dip my nuggets in the doodle. Guess what I drink moose soup. One hundred legalistically the story time. How do you say I'm not a racist? I'm like, remember the girls the shadow just come by when I stepped in, parked out a stuck to my brown eyes with some big words in them married my son in them tongues and shit because I'm a fucking blasting blood clots in the new blood.


That's what we do. You do. You do. Do not do you. And yes, my eyes are tattooed on story. Perry, what do you ever worry that you're all worried. No one's telling you I'm reckless. Diabolical. Just about me all selling the necklace made of who starts at the top. All right, listen up. You'll never make out a cup if you wait in the scrum. I mean, you ain't got no one could never have a job.


If they want to see, just kick their take the bit and the Putina me you want to fuck with me my fanaticism to identify as a threat, a nightmare in my PR. is your grace many reasons.


Even though my helping in a bit of a problem with booze posing for pictures. Real quick bite. And then why did you take the clips of my. I'm literally. Authentically. He wants to get out of this, says, put it in your mouth like a glass and you. Know. For me, he wants to get up on the set foot in your mouth and the bin and sample energetic template, a spirit working Stazi channeler hybridise looking for you.


Oh, boy. Take your bike. You better not talk to me, bitch. Motherfuckers, you restock the hot cocoa when you're done with it. So I'm happy to take a hammock ship the to be stuck one straight by with the bright lights Jita.


I keep my vagina and hope that it all smell better. It just doesn't show the haters how you glass and put your perfect smile like I'm right. You show me the body, mommy will chop it up together. That shit. And I said I want you to take an aerobics class. And I did it ginned up the effort this week we're klepper by the wrist, the bitch secrets forever. Why these Cherokee? I'm not needed at all to look funny.


You've got to be coming. Those balls your friend. Wait, listen to Gloria on the docket. Manzer Daini. He wants to get out, but he says in your mouth, like, it's like time. Let me. Oh, you mean you want. Bone cells in your mouth and lot people making dirty bit check your passenger feel like I'm going to get rid of half of what you heard. I'm about to have an orgasmic birth rate, which a man or Brazil of Michael get in their first mycetoma for no to a chocolate one blow in Cincinnati.


Please let it go. I'm not a fan. I love that girl. I'm going to make you want to check the box to see, too, these songs by talking about his smoking and drinking and indeed to a people on the humongous Martina Winblad. Can we be funny for the queen bee? And I've seen them seeming like baby the way Lois Lane and Elsie Sandusky scream because I had to pick you up and doing my thing and stuff like that.


Doesn't matter if you're a bully. The criminal record of headaches with must lot to cover. This is the girls club within the house of your mother as over mom is not just visiting it.


Sheryl jumped out of the kitchen and out in a suit. I don't know why the bitches always be jealous that she run to the phone. The beach. My car always does. And there's always the girl you can't meet because you're going to need help. Press my fingers for Marie-Anne. Your foot. That's all I had up risk jail, but I'm just more mature markets. Do you see to swim check. And I'm coming over here and I'm going to the door step and there's a mud hole in your fucking ass.