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Get ready to put them jeans up high and tight. We're back. Why inmates live free. It's all going down. November 20th, 5:00 p.m. Pacific and world wide.


The return of my sister. Oh, gee, now.


Oh, my God. Wet and the return of the greatest. Why inmates of all time.


Danny Brown, leader of Cougar Club, is on his way. Yes, me, Danny Brown. Why inmates laugh is really happening.


Plus, original music by Marc Reddie. Oh, my.


Oh yes. I can't wait to see Danny Brown react to the heavy segment. What the fuck, man?


Head on over to William H. Virtual dot com and get tickets now for stroke.


See you.


It's happening. Oh, come on, let's go. Yeah, there's things that like you go, OK, I feel bad.


Yeah. You know, this is not this. You feel bad, you know. Oh.


Yeah, you're right. He's OK. He's fine.


It's time, Squarespace, use it to build the website you've been talking about forever. Why don't you have a Web site? Everybody does for any business you're doing, especially nowadays where people aren't going out as much. Everything exists online. You need to make yourself known to Squarespace. Don't you agree?


Because how can you not have a website is a necessity. It is indeed an easy way to get it done, even if not for your business.


What about your personal life? Maybe you have a wedding that you'd like to share photos with your family. Maybe you've got a baby born that you like to share photos.


What about share your writing? You know, I you're would probably do it. Get it all done. I love Squarespace. I have you Squarespace myself. I like the layouts. They're very clean, intuitive, very slick, slick stuff, neat stuff, cool stuff. They have it for all types of businesses, restaurants, photography, you name it. So right now, trot out, go to Squarespace dot com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or nomine.


This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Satava.


Go to Satava Satava Dotcom the shit and get two hundred and twenty five dollars off your mattress purchase.


Good morning, my queens above 18. A lot of you are asking about the King challenge plan to 18 to 25 feet, and if you're below the age of 18, get up and start the day.


I might not want to put the feet on the ground, get you a nice hot breakfast. Very lovely to get covered in shower and get coverage, put off your stuff and get coverage. Our first today. Days if you're below the age of 18. Don't do this challenge. I trust you guys will become 18. You can you can do anything on the front, on the back.


You know the game like a no brainer and give me a dance.


You just hear all the raging, what we can do and have fun with this, take an old white T-shirt hanging on the front. Pain on the back. Love you, love you, love you, love you, and do a video very loudly.


Have fun with it. 18 days, if you're below the age of 18, enjoy. I love you all. Let's make some video. I want to say I want to laugh on the front, on the back, on the front.


Thank you. Just have fun with it. Hey, man.


Good ahead. Another banger, Queens above 18 by Hendo.


He just keeps cranking out the hits. Man, that was just incredible. It's also on iTunes and where music is available. Way to go ahead with a credible song. I laughed so hard the entire time.


All about the king, about the king. You know, he's really taken over Wiremu culture and.


Yeah. And also this morning, you were having a hard time getting out of bed.


It was. And I inspired you with playing his video on time.


Yes. Good morning. McQueen's ability to get up and start your day.


Breakfast is ready. And Guy, you're just beautiful. Let's have some fun. Show me your boobs.


Yeah. And I know it's the midterms. And don't worry, you're going to do really well on your midterm.


I mean, it's pretty young girl that has midterms, but they're above 18, Christi. Midterms in college. Of course, this is very exciting.


You know, I was feeling I'm feeling down to deal with things that come to an end. We lost our main client. A friend we could always count on is moving away or a loved one went to be with the Lord. We've seen God's blessing in the past. We know we have this favor, but it seems like that favor has been taken away. Oh, wow. God will never remove something unless he has something better coming. That's not true.


He didn't not sure things. We would never get out of our comfort zone. We would stay with what's familiar. Yeah. So sometimes God will put an end to what doesn't make sense to. We don't understand why the friend walked away while the business pushed us out. Why sales aren't what they used to be. Yeah. God is not doing that to make your life more difficult. He's getting you in person. There's music increase. He had to stop what was working to force you to stretch so you could come in to greater provision.


Greater opportunity. Yes, Jesus. Praise Allah.


Pretty cool there. I mean, that's the new Joel Osteen inspiration cube, the Nadav. You were saying that you find the Christian affirmations to be like really like get you going.


Yeah, I didn't realize that you guys are this good at adapting yourself for the day.


It's different than than jazz. DJs don't really do it like that. Really? Yeah. What's a DJ affirmation?


They're just like, oh, you did you remember to offer food to your guests when they come over?


That's an affirmation, but elbow's been bothering you. Remember to get it checked, though.


It's more like you still alive today. Congratulations. You're not that kind of stuff, right?


Don't forget to eat. You're nothing but skin and bones. Yeah. You know what I love about Joel Osteen, Tom? You know what he said there? No, no. I'm trying to fuck it.


Oh, that's a weird one. Sorry. Go ahead. He said that God removed stuff, the good stuff from your life to replace it with better stuff. Is that why he removed our freedom and gave us covid in March? That's right.


He sure did. What's he going to replace covered with?


Hopefully a new pandemic.


Lord, I hate when people say that it's not always true. I can get really where wetwork, sir. But also, if you're making an inspiration cube, you kind of got to say things like that.


Oh, right. You know, that's true. You can't be like God takes things away and sometimes it's just over.


Is there another sentence coming? No. Yeah, so, so inspired by this already, it's a pretty cool concept.


Um, like, you know, I think somebody said you probably could just have a website or an app that just plays now, but then you don't get a push button.


And I know you and I both are into pushing buttons are fun to push. That's true. Let me see if I can get us a winner. OK, go ahead. Was Jill telling you this is totally for old people, by the way. Yeah.


I declare God supernatural fever over your mind. Would you couldn't make happen on your own. God is going to make happen for you. Supernatural opportunity, supernatural healing, restoration breakthroughs are coming your way. All right. Wow.


That's awesome. Thank God. Well, that was super good, babe.


Supernatural favor. And then it says it here, too. So you can see it touching my camera, trying to figure out what the hell, man.


Oh, sorry. That's the way it makes you. It's coming up pretty soon with all the best advice we have from all our best strops supernatural favor.




So quite a promise to be made this week is going to be incredible. By the way, I should start by telling you that, of course. Why I live three.


Oh my God. Friday it's going to be a live show with Danny Brown. Get the fuck out of here.


Original music by Mark Rabieh that he made just for us, that he performed here. Then there's my the return of my sister Maria, which is just outrageous. I cannot believe she is going to be back on the show. I heard the tech check was pretty insane and then we made this one available through Thanksgiving weekend.


So if you can't watch live, you can watch it on Thanksgiving, the day after Saturday or Sunday. It's available till midnight on Sunday after Thanksgiving. So we extended that so you could get the family together.


And because you because you queens above 18 are busy this week, of course, with your midterms and making shirts, say time on the front and Tom on the back.


And you know how much I like seeing your boobs hang. So make videos, make a video to have some fun with it, and then I'll tell you how fun it was.


So that's very exciting. Get your tickets. I like I said, everybody goes right at them, right at the show time. If you can if you plan on watching them try to get them ahead of time, you can, of course, get them after if you want to watch the show after.


But that's what I recommend.


If you're going to watch live and there is a insane heavy segment on this one, as if it can't get any insane.


I thought it couldn't and then it does. I can't wait to see it.


The whole staff took it as a personal challenge. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Yeah. These live shows just get better and better and better. And I'm really excited for this third installment. We have great sketches lined up and yes, appearances.


And I'm just excited to have Danny back on the couch. It's so he's so, so great.


He's flying out just to do want to do it. Another thing to mention, I saw I started doing Tom Talks, if you might have seen it on our YouTube channel and or gotten it on the download feed. And what it is, is me talking to either sports figures, business people, people and people who we don't feel like this show, like, you know, like we had Hall of Famer Tony Gonzalez on the first one. And I didn't want to be like, hey, watch this lady shove a Diet Coke, Canopus.


So I just wanted to have a conversation and it was a lot of fun.


Right now, they're not every week right now we're going, I think, every two weeks. But there is going to be one next week if you're listening or watching now that we're very excited about. And yeah, that's just that's just what I'm what we're doing.


Great. Also, I would like to plug this week's episode of where my mom's at. I normally don't do this, but this episode is really special and really insane. I have the LeAnn Krischer, wife of the party on and she gives you step by step Bije techniques. Yeah.


Her proven, which you guys have talked about on TV. They have. We have.


And she's a queen above 18 who can really give a bitch. Yeah. And she can make Bert back in like five minutes or less and she gives me step by step detailed instructions.


So if you've always wanted to know how to blow Bert.


It's I know I can't wait because, great, you told me that I have to watch it so I can't wait to see it.


Well, and there is a shocking revelation that we discovered. Listen, I think interviewing the wives has been the best part of where my mom's at. We had Drew Pinsky's wife on and she revealed that she drew Drew gets three or five pages a week. Yeah, she's a second. She's a second.


And then LeAnn. Yeah, you're going to it's very interesting, the dynamic that goes on between them.


And I think it's going to give you guys a lot more insight into her to tell you about that in a moment, because we actually hung out with them together last night. Night. Yeah, for dinner. Let's open our show. We got so much to get into. All right. Here we go.


You know what you need? You need to be removed from the gene pool because you're too fucking stupid to be alive. Yeah. Yeah, you do.


Yeah, yeah. Oh, man.


Fucking tough. Oh, trust me. Fucking touch me. Touch me. Come on. Come on. Hardass. This guy who is Randy, don't bring anyone to know about this guy. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Seglora. Christina, will to your. And. We go. This let me eat you. Thank you, Joe. I think I think he could use our Joel Osteen cube, this guy little. This is just the short clip.


The full clip of this thing is a wild. This guy confronts you never see the person holding the camera, but it's clearly a woman who wants to throw it. And he keeps being like, touch me. I'll knock your fucking head off like I bet you would.


That's crazy. He's like a 45 year old man. The funny thing is, though, he goes, you should be removed from the gene pool, which is like your bald, which is obviously genetic. And he's like.


He fuckin loses his mind, his guy, man, that's yeah, he needs some joy in his life.


Yeah, he needs some positivity. Yeah. Some supernatural favor, some some good, healthy Christianity for Kentucky.


Yeah, that's cool.


And also, two women don't generally fight physically like it. No, it's usually not our first inclination when we see I do like that to be like, yeah, I'll fucking fight you bro. Yeah.


It's weird. Not really going, it's weird and it's weird to be a guy and be like I see just a woman you disagree with and be like, how about a crack your fucking head.


Like that's what a lovely club to open on.


Thank you for this nice little moment.


It's so weird. Like I wouldn't I wouldn't even really dig this on tech talk. When I find these, I just put them aside for you. It doesn't amuse me. I watch them.


I watch this is actually a clip from a like three to five minute video and I watch the whole thing. It's super aggressive. Yeah. Yeah. And how did you feel?


I was like. Waiting the whole time, like he can actually hit this person just because and then the person video and just like did what she did right there, she kept going like, oh, sweetie. Like, very kind of condescending. Yes. And his you could see immediately how close he gets. Yeah. And he kept saying, touch me.


And I was like, I didn't know if this person was going to go like like that.


And then he just fucking removes her face. But I don't know why, because I don't even mess with dudes like this.


That's probably a good idea. This guy actually, for as unhinged as he is, amazingly, was able to restrain himself. I think maybe if the camera wasn't there, he'd be like, oh, I'm going to punch.


Yeah. Because, like, I think in my all these years of being on Earth, like now I see somebody who's crazy and I just turn the other way.


That's that's what everybody should be like.


I don't I try not to maintain the same I see thing later on. I'm like, no, no, I'm out. So by the way, I guess a lot of the listeners were also intrigued by the inspiration cube.


And I know they went to Amazon. Wonderful.


And you can no longer leave reviews on Amazon if you go into the Joel Osteen inspiration cube on Amazon. Yes, it's Amazon is not as unusual reviewing activity on this product due to this activity.


We have limited this product to a verified purchase reviews because people are saying things like sometimes it takes me about 10 to 12 Benadryl before I have found my partner or myself.


But I have to take his word for it because Joel Osteen or, uh. Well, this kid will this could be coming up and they don't want to be stingy. But I'm buying it from my dad, Mark. And the answer, I'm not sure once I sell out any more will be coming in, have a blessed day.


So genuine answer to like, will this be coming up in May? You betcha.


I love this kid. My Uncle Fred smoker got me this from talking car wash. I have to say, the positive affirmations are the only thing keeping from ending it all. Some of my favorite sayings are keep the mind type you gave father your brother. Don't be stingy. Cool stuff, stick stuff, neat stuff.


Eighty seven people found this helpful. Um, question. Does this. Q follow. Proteau keeps telling me to feather it, threatening to fire me and call me R word. The answer. Even the seller agrees Kubel have to keep an eye on you to be less stingy to your Markley neighbor seemore and.


Yeah, this choma will set your brain on fire infrastructure guaranteed daddy, daddy, Joel sounds like a real cool guy. One hundred and eight people found this helpful.


Does anyone know the dimensions? I hope normal size and not that big. And the answer is, you know, five, four point five inches tall. Well, I haven't had mine very long. Just listen to me so you get a real answer.


Not too big.


All right. So that was fun.


I this kind of this childishness really makes me you know, Johnny Pemberton hit me up this week because he I guess he just found out. He goes, have you been to Garth's Instagram? And I go, Yeah. And he was like, did you do that?


And I was like, oh, maybe.


Well, there we go.


There's 2000 comments there. Let me guess, none of them have anything to do with something that he's talking about with whatever. I can't read.


I think it's at this point, it's our people drink tap water. It's our artwork. Yeah.


This is like performance art, Tom. Yeah, it is. This is a happening there should be a documentary just on his Instagram.


There should be a documentary on the monies and their ability to enhance any digital platform.


Yeah, I mean, the God, this is so funny.


We have a new Garthe clip to. Oh, shit. I don't know where it is. So, yeah, strange. They showed me this and I was like, the fuck is he talking about?


Which is my favorite type of garthwaite. So here's Garth on copyright. OK.


Is he fucking cry? You got to try to understand that, that copyright is the coming together of creative soul, all the things inside. So now let's take Coppery because it's not a it's not a leap. As a child, that child is born. Who's going to protect that child? Oh, boy, there's copyright protected.


So if there's one thing that I would beg and plead our government to do, copyright is a beautiful thing.


Protected children to protect that copyright a copyright is everything. Protection of that copyright is everything. Let's work together to preserve the arts because a nation is not a nation without its culture and its culture as a result of its copyright.


Oh my God. I mean the fact that he can talk about copyright in that. Dunk, completely artificial and manufactured. Yeah, relating it to protecting a child, yeah, don't break my heart.


My what is his music? I don't even me. What is he saying? I free. It's a good song.


It's a good song. And guess what, it's got a great copyright. Yeah. You're not allowed to steal that song. Do you think there's a topic that he ever gets light hearted on.


I don't know. He was about to weep. I know. That's why I'm saying they can ask him about like Garth would you have for lunch today? Well. Miss Yearwood made me a macaroni and cheese that. I didn't have any corporate. My mama used to make me macaroni and cheese. I just the fact that you can talk about business, this is a business conversation.


Hey, man. Well, copyright's really important because it protects the artist.


Yeah. And you make money. Yeah.


With what he's saying is I love being rich as fuck. Yeah. And if you were to ruin my copyright, I'd make less money and that would piss me off. And that's a truthful answer.


Are you not copyright as a baby you must protect the baby.


But he's talking to all those fucking ass thumpers that go to his show that are like Gayheart. They even know that copyright spatial like he's making them think that it's like he's talking about family, you know, that psychotic stare.


You know what, though? He looks good in this clip. I think he sends an old clip.


Copyright, it's within the last six months, really. It looks good. He's been he did well in quarantine then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Miss Yearwood, OK, would you like to do some follow up emails from our last.


Yeah. Yeah. A very important topic. Sure. Go ahead. Hi, Mommy. It's Christina, the airline pilot. And I'm not surprised to hear that Tom was farting it up after flying. After all of my trips, the moment I get to my car, I blow that shit up. Then once I get home, I unleash even more farts on my innocent fiancee. I have even had a fellow airline pilot send me a video of himself getting to his car after a trip and letting them rip.


So, yes, I have to say the altitude does have an effect on FART'S. The only advice I can give is that if at all possible, let out some silencers on board. Otherwise those farts will build up, always keeping him high and tight thought.


Well, that's really neat to hear that from a pilot expert and a lady pilot. Goodness very really knows where she knows her farts.


So this is the email. It says, James, I wanted to point out the drunk Scotsman was being racist, real racist. I didn't know this. I didn't know he was calling the person in the window a Fenian bastard, meaning Irish. The racism towards the Irish in Scotland goes back to the Great Famine and then being told to go back home. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that guy was way cooler than maybe you even imagined.


When you're fleeing war, you fucking asshole fucking. Yes, come in, come in your chicken house, chicken shit, bastard. Oh, my God. Come on and put this in. Think your opinion right there.


Scotland looks fun. Yeah, it does. Yeah, it is fun. I love it. I visited there in college. I love I want to go. It's delightful. The people are great. The food is great. Yeah. Beautiful accents. They can handle their booze. Yeah. They party. They are nuts.


It's nice to know that there's a cool guy who's got another layer to him, you know, he's cooler.


Like racism towards whites is always a fun. It's fun. It's special. Yeah. It's, it's unique. Um yeah. Go ahead.


I also have a follow up on our discussion of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Hi Jeans.


Hi Hitler. I recently heard the debate on how you pronounce Reeses as someone who grew up right outside Hershey, Pennsylvania, and has spent days in Hershey Park growing up.


I feel like it's my life's duty to step in you 100 percent pronounce it as reseize piesse Christine committed stolen valor re CS.


And this is somebody from the area. This is somebody who grew up going to Hershey Park.


Yeah. And I want to point out that I was saying reseize you know.


Yeah I know, but. But you're risi started. That makes a lot of sense.


I'm not whatever you just said as I don't believe that's a thing.


Well I still stand by my pronunciation. It's resee cups, but it's Reeses Reese's Pieces. Um, Reeses got to tell you, this is a pretty, pretty groundbreaking thing here.


Mm hmm. I want to say I love the podcast. Listen to it every week at work. The audio in the video with the guy farting that was played around forty seven minutes in the podcast was actually made using the audio from a guy on Tic-Tac called Gasp Master.


So Christina was indeed correct with her suspicion considering the legitimacy of the video. Thank you. By the way, this dude is amazing and a fan of yours. I believe I've seen him tagging you guys and some of his ticktock. So definitely check him out next time. Remember to do your job or you're done, buddy. Don't be stingy. So I guess this is the original fart video, OK?


Now, they took the audio, that's one where the guy was laying on the chair, right, and you see just the legs.


There was a woman we thought we thought it was a woman. And somebody told me, what's that one called? It's called the longest fight in history. It's in the same field.


But this is this is the video. That's a highly debatable. It's the charro had the longest fart in it.


So this person took the idea.


Yeah. Wow. By the way, I got a message. A lady said that she's a massage therapist. She goes up and massage services for 12 years. And I can tell you without a doubt that those legs and feet that you see there are men. And her theory was that it's a man here. And that's the mother that we're looking at, at the kid. Right.


So. But this person ripped that audio, uh, gotcha, so it's stolen valor, it's stolen favela's, definitely. We can't condone that on this show.


Speaking of how I wonder how King Ass Ripper is, can we get an update from a zolo, if you could do some research, do some digging?


Sure, yeah. It's been a while.


I also want to point out that it is true there is a bias in the lame stream media that continuously targets the right and doesn't do enough of honest, you know, assessment, critique of what's going on on the left. And one of our listeners found that to be true, too. And I'd like to acknowledge them. And yeah, here's what it says. So they mommies with all the election talk in this week's episode and comments on big old lady tits from the big ass pervert, I can't help but notice that no one has acknowledged Nancy Pelosi's massive 80 year old Slobbers.


Madam Speaker, has some real mushy mommy Pilger's.


She's always in these sassy, tight blue suits that hug those purple's closely.


I'm curious to hear your thoughts, to quell my concern in this contentious political climate. You bet. I'm coming and coming up in May. Evan from Illinois.


I mean, she's 80 years old. She looks great. I mean, she does have big tits. And I feel like the news never talks about never talks about it.


I agree. And it's what we do here at your mom's house is talk about the hard hitting issues.


But he's willing to discuss even these media outlets here are covering up.


It's a conspiracy. OK, what about the. OK, let's see. See, she knows how to dress.


But see, I wouldn't say formfitting dress it is, but she's doing a higher neck there, which actually like today, I'm doing it. It makes your tits look bigger. It's not a good tactic. Those are big. And I will say they look amazing because she's eighty. I know she looks great, but. But those tits don't look at me. No, they don't. That's a good shot.


Those are good milkers. Yeah, she's got a good bra, too. That's what I'm about to say.


I think her bra is a very strong choice and that's why they look high and tight and not big and mushy like my right.


She doesn't have like state droop, even state troopers it even at all. There they are. They look a little droopy here a little bit now in the lady blazer. They're covered up so she knows how to cover and camouflage right there.


That's a big tit shot with big tits. Is she really eighty years old?


She looks great. I mean, eighty, eighty, eighty. Looks like shit. Usually like eighty. You're like, hey, over here, you know.


Well like she really holds it together.


I wonder if her parents lived long when she says like those great like those strong lucky dictated genetics genes.


Yeah well I. Pelosi is what I Talion Pelosi sounds like it. Yeah. Yeah she's got. Yeah she's getting. Can you look it up. She's got them Italian. You see what.


Big titted wop from the top. Make it drop your big ass Melkite American family.


Yeah. Yeah. She was the only girl, the youngest of seven children of course they never stop fucking goddamn Catholics.


All right. Well those are big milkers. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for pointing that out. And thank you. And we're calling you out, NBC, CNN, New York Times. Where's the article and Pelosi's big tits?


Hold on. I have another one. OK, apropos our discussion about Dick Barrooms. I was listening to Episode five seven seven when Talk Talking Crusty were discussing the phrase Dick Broom. I much like the TDRS in the booth. Never heard the expression before.


Once the conversation got going, I quickly realized they were talking about dusters. I've been around hockey most of my life and the common nickname for a mustache has always been duster short for cock duster.


Maybe this is the Canadian version of Dick Broom, but I think it's an easy switch you should make if you want to follow Proteau anyhow. If Tom needs his meth dick dusted. You bet. I'm coming up in May. Piss on me. Beat me respectfully, Zach. Well, take it.


Fall Proteau, buddy. You're done. Cock duster.


I like that. I like that. Canadians Canadia.


So I also want to point this out. This is pretty exciting. I know. I know you don't follow football, but yesterday there was a really, really incredible play in football. If you're like down to the last few seconds of a game and you need to score a touchdown, it's referred to as a Hail Mary, right. Hail Mary. Meaning like, it's just my throw it up.


Yeah. It's like it's a prayer. That's what it is. It's a prayer because you're like, if this doesn't work, you know. So that's why they call it a Hail Mary. And Josh is a die hard Buffalo Bills fan. And his team was up with a few seconds left in Arizona. Was playing from behind and they threw up a Hail Mary and they won and it was incredible. These are the kind of plays that happen like once a year, you know, in like the whole league, maybe, maybe twice.


They're just they're super exciting and people go nuts because they're just incredible to see. And the player who caught the ball, it was just amazing athleticism. Unbelievable. His name was DeAndre Hopkins. Well, last week when I did Roach Motel, Josh said this.


If you had to leave here right now and go eat some players, asshole in the next room, I've got a list.


You're probably going receiver, though. I got to. Yeah, they top my list of DeAndre Hopkins. Oh, my asshole. I did the most. Can we see DeAndre Hopkins folks? Hmm, that's a nice ass. That's the guy because he is you've got to get them off field close because he like this is a guy that buys purses. Yeah. Like for his dog and shit like he has like he dresses like Paris Hilton. Yeah. When he's out in the streets, let's see him on street clothes.


Yeah. I'd like to see him. I know he's got dreads and shit, but I'm telling you that shit is like oh he's so cute.


He also had a pretty hearty dick pic. It leaked and I tried to take the bullet for him, be like, no, that's my dick. And then he blocked me on Twitter.


So they figure out how to get leaked. I don't know, but I tried to help out. Is his face in the shot? No.


Oh, it's just his dick. And I was like, nah, that's my dick, dude. And then he blocked for that.


Yeah, well, that fine.


So the week handsome, he's very. Yeah, it's very handsome. In the week that this clip comes out, DeAndre sticks a dagger in Josh's heart. Unreal. And Josh had just offered to eat his ass.


I mean the reason that conversation came up by the way, Josh brought this up to me years ago and I laughed so hard where he said, like, do you think certain positions in football have dirty or buttholes then?


You know, we had this really long. We still talk about all the time. Like my theory was offensive linemen have the dirtiest assholes. And his was like, I think defensive linemen have.


And so we're talking about who has the most neglected asshole, which then led to, well, who has the most pristine asshole, he said.


Receivers of which Mr. Hopkins DeAndre is. Yes. And then it led to all this conversation. Anyways, DeAndre just crushed him.


Yes. Oh, well, I will say that I give cockroach props for being there before the Hail Mary Jane. I'm saying like he got in on the bottom floor.


He believed in DeAndre before the whole thing happened and like DeAndre, you should at least considered getting his asshole eaten by Josh just on that alone.


I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if he should, um. You don't think that he would enjoy that?


I think Josh would love to give it. We can. I think that DeAndre wouldn't like any of these ideas. Um Josh by the way, if you want to see that or any of his upcoming podcast, they come out Tuesdays at six a.m. Roach Motel, which is soon to be renamed. I can say that right through the Josh Potter show, very soon rate review and subscribe to on iTunes. It's very funny. He's very, very funny.


So, yeah, I like how Diondre dresses. He dresses very cool. Yeah. Big, big, big, big trip.


Yeah. This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Express VPN using the Internet without express VPN is like going to the bathroom and having violent diarrhea and not even closing the door. Now everybody is peeking in and going, what did you eat?


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That's. and her mom,, never go to the post office again, so next week, yeah, next week. When we record will be, let's see, the twenty third. Yeah, I'll be fasting that day because the next day I have a colonoscopy. I actually signed up and I'm doing it.


Well, the listeners, if you've been listening to us for years and you know that Tom has had you've had this on the books and then we've had to push it, cancel it, move it for years. And I'm so proud of you that we're finally doing this. We need to get to the bottom of these Ronnie dumps and stinky farts.


And I'm just so I told the guy, the doctor, I told him, I will be so disappointed if you're like, everything's fine. I know he's like just more favorably normal Metamucil, even like what?


I want you to tell me something that there's something to do. But tell everybody what? Like they're going in. They're going both holes. Yeah, no. First I get an ultrasound. They're going to an ultrasound and you'll see. Oh, no, no. It's like so they can see the gallbladder that goes sometimes, like people have issues from that.


Then they're going to put a scope up my ass and down my throat at the same time finger cuffs and the knee jerk you off while he's doing pretty good right now.


So that'll be he's like he's like, we will find whatever, we're going to find it.


I'm going to find gum, but I have to fast the twenty third and just do liquid and then and beginning at four p.m. on the twenty third which is a Monday, I drink my first laxative, then I drink another one at seven.


OK, yeah. Now may I tell you something because I've heard that the prep for the colonoscopy is so fucking horrendous. That's what this is. And you know what's crazy. You just said that you start the first at four p.m. so that's your first laxative.


And I've had nothing to eat all day. So you're you're you're taking a laxative on an empty stomach explosion.


Now, though, I'm curious as to why they make you shit all night.


You're going to be as they want you completely empty before the morning procedure.


Well, they want you to go in with nothing in your digestive.


I know. But why can't you why do you have to stay up at night to do all this? Can't you just shit during the day and then sleep? That's what that's what I don't understand. Because you're going to be up all night. No. No, because, I mean, I've done these before, and it's because if you do it in the beginning of the day, that's just more time where you have to, like, fast, longer, just trying to make it to the windows as short as possible.


Gotcha. Will you be live tweeting from the toilet?


I might be doing it live.


You know, it's a great idea to bring you guys into the toilet and listen and hear me down.


That would be so great. Yeah, I'm not opposed to that. Yeah. I'm going to sleep in the guest room that night because I think you need your space.


I think you can be a lot of shit coming out of me. Yeah. Be a lot of trips to the toilet.


The dad told me to bring a laptop in the toilet and just watch a show because she's like you just captured so much. Yeah. Yeah.


It's because, I mean, you don't want to go to the toilet every five minutes, every ten minutes.


Because now two days before Twenty-Second, I feel like I should have a big meal.


Do you think that's a good idea? No, I don't mean like gorge myself.


I just mean yeah, eat something because like I'm not allowed to eat anything on the T-shirt at all or the twenty fourth. I can't even have water after midnight.


Maybe save it for after the colonoscopy. I don't think I want to, I don't think you want to have like a treat yourself meal right before just eat normal. Well because it's like however big it is, it's like the time on the toilet just going to be extra rough.


Oh yeah. Yeah. You kind of want eat normal into it. Easy.


I want to plan, I want to plan my post column. Ask for meal.


Yeah. Do whatever you want. Now that's the thing. Native will he be able to like he said right away. But I'm saying like will he feel like filling himself up with food or will you feel nauseous. Will you feel like you don't know. Yeah.


Like, I mean like because you're going to be put down. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean like you'll feel like a little weirdness afterwards but hungry as fuck I'm sure. Um yeah. I mean I'll take like an hour or two probably to kick in just because you feel all weird and groggy but like. Yeah. Do you treat yourself that day I went out to ice cream after and Skippy.


Oh yeah. What was your first treat. Well yeah we should plan like either all that. What if I come out and he goes, hey man, I never did this before, but while you were down I thought, fuck, do you like what you like.


Just wanted to look good. Looks good. Wait, you're not going to have a morsel of brown in your intestines. Like not even if they said a hint of brown. I mean think about it the day before.


I have no solids right so fast. And then you take two laxatives to wild so it just cleans you out and it's so out. So I was talking to someone. What could be a good time to try the scrum right after that procedure?


Yeah. You know, I'm going to do when you're under I'm going to sneak in and lick it as you're sleeping and you fucking liar.


But so I was talking to a girl who she goes, dude, I, I've had like, intestinal problems for years. Like years. I thought I had IBS. Turns out I had a parasite in my intestine and I didn't know about I got food poisoning years ago from this place, from broccoli or something. And I had a fucking shit, a parasite. She's had to take drugs to kill a parasite. She's like, I just felt tired and and anxious and that, uh.


And I thought I had IBS. You got the parasite in there. You've had food poisoning a few times.


Could I could. Yeah, they could. And you can eat around the world like comics. We eat everywhere. We should at least have hepatitis B, right. It's not fucking hope so. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, man, what if I come out?


He's like, you know what it is, man? I go where he goes, it's syphilis. I mean, what's he like. Yeah. Over the years he's like, you have so many STDs. I really got sick.


Yeah. They're all they've been they're making you shit.


Right. Oh uh think about that. Yeah. Um, we had we had Balf Kershner and his wife Lee-Anne over and I love them so they are so fun.


Yeah. He can drink.


He can drink. He came in, he made me drink. I didn't really cause you're around him. You're like I should be like this guy is like and I just started drinking. I never drink that much this morning. I couldn't wake, I couldn't get.


I know my queen above eighteen is queen was just like did you make my coffee because I was struggling man.


Well he came over and within seconds he's like, yeah, yeah. Give me something to drink. Push, push. Give me one, give me one, give me one. And then I just I love I think that we've been friends with them for so long that I feel so comfortable. We both feel so comfortable, all of us, that I, I let the biggest fart out after dinner and it was like it was just it was lovely that.


Yeah, we could feel that close. It's very to them. There are a lot of fun to be around.


Yeah. I'm so thankful to our friends.


He said he made me laugh so hard because so we're all sitting around afterwards on the couch and said something about her birthday and he's like he's like fifty now. And I and then I go. I jokingly was like, you know, I can't even relate to you guys so much younger than you guys is. Like Lien's fifty birds. Forty eight. Or forty four, I go, I'm 41, like, you guys are way older than me. I don't even know what I like when I'll be 50 and LeAnn goes well in nine years.


And then I go, Yeah. And she goes, and I'll be about 60 when you're 50.


And then because that's so gross, so gross. He's like, it's gross.


You're gross just for aging.


Yeah, but you know what? I think they're going to stay together forever. Yes. And I think it's because. In a way, they have a similar dynamic to us, but at an opposite one, so let me explain. You and I try to be really kind and sweet to each other, I think, and honest at the same time. They're honest, but like brutally honest, they're so harsh to each other. It's it's a different it's harsh as fuck, but it's still love.


It's still like it's love, but it's just the the wavelength is different, you know. Yeah. Like like she'll be like you're just fat and it's like, yeah, yeah.


And I'm like, oh my God, that would hurt so bad.


It's like, look old ok. Yeah. Yeah. They just say things like so much harsher.


Just when Bert's telling a story she'll correct him factually.


It's so worked up. He's like you just let me tell a fucking story. And she's like, well if it was true, you're making stuff up. He's like, shut up, God.


Yeah. And Bert eats faster than you, which is crazy. It's crazy. It makes me feel like I'm eating slow. Yeah, slowly. I mean, man, I took one bite and he'd cleared his bowl. His dog bowl. Yeah.


It's always been like that because everybody my whole life was like, oh, you eat so fast you got to slow down. I'm like one of the first times we had dinner together.


I was on my second bite and he was like he was like and I was like, holy shit, man, that he was like, yo, you fast.


And then he was like burping every two seconds.


I always burp, but I think I know why you say to steak and fifteen seconds, does he enjoy it.


What does he do that with. Oh it's just you know, he has that like anxiousness. Yeah. Of like consuming.


He drink when we do podcast's he is like six drinks. Yeah.


He has Kool-Aid, water, ice, coffee, Diet Coke and Red Bull all and he's like sipping all of them. Yeah.


Lan said well he drank a lot of wine last night.


Let's just say I think I brought out like six bottles um and I think Bert drank five and Tom and I drank like one between I drink like nothing.


I think he, I think he only to be honest, like four bottles of wine last night. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That five. Yeah. All right. Well whatever um because I like I of course was also fine.


Fine. That's the thing. I was great. Thanks guys.


And by the way, I brought up for those you that saw the two bears live, he was shit house, OK?


And I go, dude, I've seen you drink like my whole whatever the whole time I've known you, you'll drink like a handle of vodka and you'll be like ready to go. And I go and then on the two bears live, you're absolutely sloshed like what happened? And he goes because it was pressure. I felt pressure to drink, right, and so I was I don't like feeling like it has to be in a condensed period of time. Mm hmm.


Because that show is only like two and a half hours or so. So he felt like he was like pounding, pounding, he goes and it was like it was accelerated and it was a mixture of vodka and wine.


No, dude, there is one point in that. Do we have that clip?


You have the Andre Rising clip or. No.


You know, vodka and wine I would use like we're talking to Sean Evans, you member on the left. I love him. I was like I mean, he slurred a whole sentence. I was like, I've never heard you do that.


No, because Burke is normal. When he's drunk, you do not even notice. There's no difference. It's so great.


He I will say to his credit, by the way, because I've known him, we've known him, what, 15, 17 years now. Yeah.


And the Krisha's we used to live on on the same street. They lived way up a bit in the better part of town. And I'd go we go to their house, remember what they used to live in, like an apartment, essentially because they're all broke as comics. And I remember that's when he started doing Rogaine. He started taking his Rogaine and he would rub it on to go take a row and we would make fun of him so much.


Yeah, but then we're out here now, bitch. Yeah, it worked. And I will give him full credit because he still has hair. So that shit works on me. Not in the back. Not in the back. Doesn't matter. But the front stayed here. Check this out.


Oh. We all have to deal with things that come to an end. We lost our main client, a friend we could always count on is moving away. No one went to be with the law.


By the way, that wasn't even the plan.


That was just magic. Yeah, that was divine intervention.


Just listening. A man is walking down the street and a crane just falls and crushes. Oh, my God.


Like, it lands on a car and hits him in the head. And he he's fine. That guy is fine. No, he's totally fine. He is. He's OK. You think he's OK? I don't think he's OK. I mean, he's not dead. They they got they got him up. Do you think he went to work the next day? I think he's totally fine. I think he went to work from here.


Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Actually, I think they hit him in the shoulder.


He got real lucky. Like the contact was was very powerful.


But he's holding his head is a little shook up, but the shoulder is what got hit.


I mean, imagine the surprise of that. Yeah. Yeah. Because you don't know what happened. You're just walking down the street and something clobbers you like that.


Know. I know that's bad. Like the camera.


Yeah. Can I tell you what happened to me while you were gone? You went to Alabama. Yeah. And your shows were fine. You said, well, well, I'll tell you this.


Did you look at real estate for us? I'll tell you this. People shit on Alabama a lot, not just nationally. Internationally. You say Alabama people have all these negative kind of, you know, things that you could argue that in a way that they've earned. But Huntsville, if you don't know, which most people don't, is surprisingly like just nice. People are super nice. They're smart. They're like the crowds are good. And if you're like, come on, I'm serious.


Like Huntsville has rocket scientists and engineers all over the place of space. Yeah, yeah. They have like they have multiple companies that that work in like spacecraft and engineering and all this like, you know, defense stuff.


And that's crazy and and it's, you know, that permeates the culture. So you're there and you're it's impressive. Like Huntsville isn't actually a very cool city.


I think you're mispronouncing it, isn't it? No, no.


When we used to read our dates, wasn't it cuts maybe back then, but I'll tell you, I had a really good time. I'll definitely do shows and you'll be coming back in May. I'll come up and see you in May. You better believe it.


And I know you're a good lover. Huntsville.


No, but thank you to everybody that came out. We did six shows socially distance. They move the front row back six feet, the rise to capacity. People had masks on. You got tested the minute I got tested on the day before and after.


Yeah. So and Jeff Tate was with me and he was outrageously funny. It was really it was God. It feels so good to do stand up. It's so fun.


I'm going to you Ben. I'm coming up in many ways and I can a good one. It's those vaccines. What was I going to say now?


Oh, two things. First of all, I've decided to learn my geography.


Yeah, because you don't know where things are.


There's L.A. and then not L.A. and I've decided that that might be a narrow way of thinking.


That's a really progressive thought to, you know, come to thanks. Well, especially because now we're looking to move elsewhere. And I wanted to learn what America was about. Jesus. So I bought a map of America like a puzzle, and I do it with our four year old.


And how did you like you? Are you surprised? Like, oh, I didn't know that's what that was.


I'm I'm are awarded to the max. I, I knew the big ones, like I knew the coasts. I know Florida because I've been there a bunch.


And here's the saddest part is that I'm a touring comedian. Yeah. So I knew the states that I've toured. I don't, I didn't know where the Dakotas were. Blank is a fart. Not sure. Even Wisconsin.


I'd been there and I was like, that's not up there. There's no way I'm not there. There are people better than me at it. I'm pretty good. But I lived in different states, you know, like I. Yeah. So I lived in Ohio, Minnesota. I know where I was.


I lived in North Carolina and I would drive back to Florida. So I got like that area that I lived for a moment in DC. And, you know, I live for a beat in Boston. So like here that's like that's in Washington.


Did you know that?


I did know that, yeah. Just kidding. I do that. I'll tell you, I like that whole Rhode Island. Maine don't know that stuff. That's always perplexing. Yeah. The other one that I'll forget and it's I think it's like if when you live somewhere, obviously you have like I'll death. If you gave me a blank map you go, which was Kansas, which was Missouri, I'd be like, oh, that's I get tripped up on that because that's all in the same region.


Yeah. Yeah.


Like I know the West Coast, Utah, by the way, speaking of the Dakotas, there are reports this is pretty neat, pretty cool that they predict the infection rate of covered in South Dakota will be 100 percent.


Oh, congratulations. Yeah. They believe that the state will get infected. Now, this is I'm just reporting what the reports have been. So it might change my change by the time you see this.


But there were reports about that over the weekend, which I thought was pretty fascinating to put that in context for you. This is crazy. South Dakota has just under 900000 people and.


They've had so far about 600 deaths. Oh, my goodness. And, uh, South Korea has 51 million people and they've had 450 deaths.


So I was going to say, yeah. Now, the reason for this, by the way, it's not just like, well, you know, what's going on. The theory is that, yeah, although it's not a very populated state, um, South Dakota gets very cold. And as we've shifted the weather getting colder, the idea is that people are now congregating indoors all the time. Yeah. Makes a cold weather state more and it's spreading and it's a smaller population.


Spreading around 900000 people is like the San Fernando Valley. It's not.


Oh, it's there's more than that for sure.


Yeah, that's wild. So that that poor population, I mean, it's just it's unbelievable how this whole thing is happening. But I don't mean to laugh at people dying. I just laughed at like nine hundred thousand people is what I was like. That's nothing. I know nobody.


It is wild but I had a really neat thing happen this weekend while you were gone. I was watching my programs on Netflix. I'm really in progress.


That's how a very old person shows like program. Well, here's what I like to do.


I take my two milligrams, I take my reefer, I smoke my grass, I eat my grass, I take the pot. And then I, I zone out. I watch Netflix. I'm into the Queen's Gambit right now. I think you might really dig it if it's about chess, but it's not. It's anyway, the point is, I'm petting the dog. I'm having a great night with Bitsie. I'm zoning out. I'm in there. I get up to take a piss.


Yeah, there's a show. I walk to the detergent. And I step in the squishy est warmest iList, stinkiest fuckin pile of dog diarrhea, and by the way, we have wood floors, this motherfucker shit on the carpet that's just covering the wood, you know what I mean? Like, she had all this wood and she chose our nice fucking shit last time, too, when I stepped in it.


So it's nine o'clock. I'll be doing reediting there. I don't know. And his diarrhea. So I scream and of course I flick my foot up because I'm barefoot stepping in shit. And now I've flung diarrhea on our floor so I'm like freaking out. What the fuck. And then I first thing I do, I go to the shower, I clean the diarrhea off my foot, which is I don't know if you've had dog shit, you have there's nothing more repulsive.


It's so it's so horrifying. I clean it up and then here I am. I thank God I got that steam cleaner and I'm fucking steam cleaning. And the smell of the dog shit I think is still in the car.


It's still there. Yeah, it's still there. I walked in the room last night. I was like, what the fuck is that?


Yeah, well, because I mushed it in when I stepped on it, I pushed the shit into the fiberglass. So when I stepped in there, shit, I made her lick it off my foot.


I didn't, but I stepped in it. I thought it was the kids like slime.


Yeah, I was like, oh, you left this place, had a pancake on my bottom of my foot.


Well, I get the diarrhea that much worse.


Much worse. Oh, I was so fucking upset.


I was so I like to give a shout out to all my six CBB Dobies Zulfi so delicious. Looking like a chocolate milk carton milk collection. Oh my God. You just make my heart now baby. Just by looking at you. Fat years. Oh, thank you. Is that white chocolate that I see? It doesn't matter to me, baby. It's a BBWAA.


All are delicious.


Wow. And I talking about buffalo barbecue wings either, baby. You know what I'm talking about here.


I love. I think it's pretty cool that we have like a kind of a poet, cool guy. I like him a lot. Yeah, I will say I don't I don't.


He's a little more refined. Yeah. I don't want to put him in with the cool guys. I don't because I said I like him. I'm attracted to his appreciation. I don't think he's a he doesn't make he doesn't creep me out.


Well that's the thing he doesn't do.


I would, I would contest this judgment of him being a coward.




Because he doesn't do, like, sit on my face. I want you to fart on it. Like, all I want to do is fill you up like, you know, he keeps a kind of Barry White like you fine ladies. Yeah.


He he's he has some level of restraint there. You're right. I retract the guitar riff. Oh yeah. Oh know you are no longer cool sir.


You are nice man. Thank you. Yeah. I won my case.


You did win your case. You won your case. And about this guy you think this guy's cool.


And look at, look at what the verse says there. That's your woman. Keep silence in the churches. That just means that they're not allowed to talk. They can scream if they want to, but they're just not supposed to talk. The silence means silence. Well, I'm a modern, empowered woman, I'm just as good as a man, I can do anything that a man can do. I am better than a man in some ways and and whatever, and I will not submit myself to such chauvinistic, horrible rules.


OK, then you're not saved. You're not saved obedience. Cool guy club. Yeah, Natsuko, yeah, yeah, what's the story? I like his story because it is a satanic thing. It's witchcraft. Well, I'm I'm a Christian feminist. I've actually heard that I'm a Christian feminist. Oh, no, you're lost. Turn next to Second Corinthians, Chapter seven. There's no such thing as a Christian feminist, OK?


I don't care what laws are passed. Well, today is Election Day. Selection Day. Well, who's going to win by Donald Trump? Who's going to be in. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me why. Because my my rules. My orders remain the same no matter who gets in. Well, Joe Biden's going to come in and he's going to bring in liberal liberal communism. OK, then I'll disobey it. Yeah, well, Donald Trump's going to come in and he's going to bring in right wing fascism, then I'll disobey it.


Why? Because if I obey them, I'm not obeying the Bible. He makes a good point, valid point, a very valid point. What I like when he goes election selection, like he threw in his own little saucy wording there just to make it fun.


Well, you know, he has some ability with words. Yeah.


His dead eyes kind of take them words away. But he you know, he has kind of a terrifying glare.


Right. Right. Well, I was a woman, by the way. I would be terrified of this man.


Yeah. Yeah, he's aggressive. I thought I didn't I don't know. I like his outfit.


I like his beard. I think he's great. I, I wish, you know, cool it a little because he's attractive.


They're going to lock down the country again. You're not going be able to drive on the road. Sorry. Not happening. I don't know about the first time. I'm not going to be at this time. If I need to get out there and get food for my family, I'm going to get out and I'm going to get food for my family.


Period, period. I'm going to get out. I like when people get fired up on camera about, you know, I mean, like there's no one there, but he's having the argument self generated. Yeah.


Oh, we passed a law. You come out here and go get vaccinated. There's a sign there's the military. They're coming around door to door. Sorry. I'll obey God rather than men, I'm going to come to the front door with my sword in my hand and say I'm obeying God and not you, I'm not going to do it. The life of the flesh is in the blood. I'm not going to let you put things that are going to get into my bloodstream that are poisonous.


You won't kill me. You won't kill my wife. You won't kill my son. Not happening.


This is a this is a good anti antiblack spokesman. I think in her fact, if you want the guy to kind of summarize it. There you go. You know what, though?


I guy I like him in terms of leadership for these people. I think he's a strong leader. He's I mean, you like him. He's charismatic. He's handsome. I think he probably has a congregation like it.


He should. And I like his sword. I'm afraid that we've passed a law. I don't care about your laws. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah.


Well, sir, you're violating some things by saying what you're saying on YouTube right now. Fine. Then shut me down and let God destroy your home. May the wrath of God fall upon you. Oh, wait a minute. I'll obey God rather than men.


There you go. Well, hold on. He wants God. So Gods, his homie, like his backup guy, will put the rap on you. That's right. Oh, shit. That's an Old Testament.


Yeah. Wow, pretty cool. I found that you sent in some painful stuff, um, I am endlessly fascinated in love with and thrilled by Dan, but if you don't think money can buy happiness, you don't know where to fucking shop.


You can get money and then go save the world and get money and save the forests. In Brazil, you make money and go say global warming, which I don't believe in you. I mean, to save the kids in Biafra and all that shit. But without money, you can't save a fucking thing. Don't you understand? Don't the fucking idiots on YouTube understand that? I tell you, make some shekels until you make some fucking coin. You can't help anybody.


Here you go. Money has Khateeb says money. Hmm. OK. He's right, isn't he right? It seems like you can help that stuff out better. I mean, I think there's probably an argument to be made that you can help without money. Yeah, but you can volunteer your time.


You can provide services. You can you can still help people with that. Sure. But I get what he's saying. Like, you can't have the same impact, like real fundamental, you know, hey, we're going to save this forest. Well, yeah, you could pay to, you know, I guess by the acreage out. But let's see what he's saying. But he's always just like it's fun. He's the best. Oh, oh, fuck.


I'm going to throw up. Was in England. Yeah, I like that one, so that guy's fingering his belly button, then he smells it and he's like his eyebrows raised or he's like, it's pretty good smell. And then he lowers his shirt and he's playing with his bellino. Yeah. Yeah. That's a cool guy. I found him.


You did? How did you find this? I saw it as soon as I saw was I sent it in.


Yeah. It's pretty bold to do this on public transportation. Yeah, that's a whole lot. Oh my God.


I'm so excited about this. I can't believe I almost we almost wrapped the segment without doing this. Okay.


Bart Simpson. Oh, so you don't know this, but I'm telling you now on the new live show, we profile Bart Simpson, a guide, and we get to show you how he does it. The guy, he is a magician with this. And he literally I think if you were to go who does the best prank phone calls in the world, Bart Simpson. He has to be if he's not number one and you saw other prank callers, they'd be like, well, he's one of the top three.


He is a masterful prank call. Yeah, I didn't realize I saw the piece that's going to be on the live show. It's unbelievable. And to celebrate and further endorse that, here's a new fart Simpson call. This is so fucking funny. He calls a linguistics professor like a language professor. Yeah. And just it's so good. There's video to go along with this one. Here we go. Hello. Hey, professor. Yes, could you hold on for one second, please?


So I'm just just finishing your time. OK, sorry to to see exactly the actual details of the translations. Will be. Will be. Just the second half, of course, but it might be on the close reading, but not a translation. OK, bye bye, Katie. Bye. Thank you. You're welcome. Sorry.


Yes, no worries. So somebody recommended you. I have been on the search for trying to figure out a language that my brother Tom is speaking. OK. It was an unfortunate event, but my brother and I were feeding deer in our backyard and sure enough, one of the deer just kicked him right in the head. And after about a month of recovery, he's, you know, good. Now, his health is good, but he just keeps speaking this language.


Yeah, we've been doing Google translation, we've called different professors with no luck, so I wanted to see if you could at least listen to my brother for a moment and maybe try and distinguish whether he's speaking Latin or what language he's speaking.


I'm over on. I think I hear him challenging Jordan Jackson. Hello, nice to meet you. Hello, Tom.


What do you say? Yes, he does that sound like Latin to you?


No, it doesn't.


I mean, I can't I can't see the Zimet. What about Jarvis? Is that a Latin word? He's always going on about Jarvis.


I mean, I.


No, it's not a Latin sort of Roman word. You know, I enjoyed it when. I'm sorry. I wish I could help you.


I mean, it sounds then I mean, obviously, I mean, I wonder whether it's I you know, I hear intonations that remind me of some languages. It reminds me actually of Hindi.


I've read about those people that have, you know, gone into a coma and woken up and can speak like Cantonese or something. You know, you don't think this is happening to him. And he's got something really prolific to tell us.


Yeah, I don't believe that he could have, you know, be be somehow miraculously speaking in a language that he he didn't know. I mean, that's just my my theory. And I don't know whether he's trying to articulate something in some language that I'm not.


Yeah. It sounds to me like it's just like just very slurred and my brother that I'm like, why?


Why am I like the sounds aren't really Latinate to my ears. None of the endings are sounding like that. And I know what I would love to be able to tell you that it is a language, but it has meaning. But it doesn't sound to me like one.


I mean, he's not retarded. He's definitely speaking a language.


No, he can't get it.


Well, I. I don't think I mean. Well, I just wish you all the best. All right. You two are going.


Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to look more into the Hindi language. I think you're on to something with that.


I'm all grown. I mean, I grew up with Blair.


It's a great act of faith. And I hope you're right that it is a language. I'm sorry. I wish I could.


I really wish I could help you get out of trouble.


Well, I really appreciate all your help and your time, Professor.


Good. Good luck with everything. Say goodbye, Tom.




Goodbye. Oh, my God, it's so good if you, of course, don't remember who he used to to play that part is a guy who featured many times on the show from this.


What do you think makes it a great time. All right. Good morning to you. I'm honored to be here right now. Yeah, lots of tourists around. Man. It's great, isn't it? Great to going.


So it's just a drunk Irish guy who I guess as he jumping between English and Gaelic or something, or is he just drunk English?


I think it's a little bit of both. Yes, it seems like it. Right. Yeah. I mean, I mean but that guy was like Hindi and I'm here. I'm not hearing any tones.


Yeah. Unless, like you said, that he's like, I'm not a Roman word. No, I love I always love how sincere the other person is.


Yeah. That's it. Like that he actually got the professor to like listen and be like, I don't know what language this is. And eventually, like I hear slurring like you're on to something. Yeah.


He oh, I love to see that far left in the the beginning where there's another student there and he's like putting the phone down. And that's such like a dad thing to do with the phone, you know. Yeah. Hold on now. God, that was that was masterful.


So when you see how he does it, that's the thing is when you listen to his prank calls, you at first, you know, you you're just taken by the comedy of it.


And then you're like thinking about the execution.


Yes. How you go, wait, this is not like some simple thing. And you watch you watch him like how he does it. It is elaborate. I mean, he's dedicated it.


No, these are incredible to put. Well, because I'm wondering you got to tell me.


But my theory is, is that he has a sound board and then. But how does he know, like this person says, yeah, what's your name? And he's like and he has the sound Bordelais.


That process will be it's on why I'm live. I can't wait. You got to see it. Why am I a virtual dock? Big shout out to Bart Simpson. You should follow him on Instagram and check out all his. Is that what it looks like?


Did he use his own image as the. Oh, I can't wait to see what he looks, but a lot of people want to know if you're going to answer to this or not, to what I'm going to show now. Do you have an answer or not?


Even named My Kings and Queens above 18. This video right here goes out to a very special point above eighteen.


Oh, boy. Christine from Mom's. Christine, I still love you. I know that you didn't mean what you said, you just said it, not even thinking. I say you need to let me take you out on a date and take you to dinner. And show me the real king. Show you how I am and show you what I'm all about and you might like me keep driving. You let me know if I can do that. I would be glad to do that.


You have a beautiful night, my queen. You're beautiful. I'm going to make you my queen of the year. Tom, you take care of that queen over there, OK? I love you, my queen, above 18. Wow, I had no idea. Listen, how benevolent is my king, by the way, Christine, from Mom's house?


I'm so I'm what a Christian king that he forgave me. He did forgive you. Rude things I said about him. I really appreciate that, King.


He also, by the way, I first of all, was like, well, this guy is asking my wife out and then know that I'm like, well, maybe he doesn't, you know, know. And then he talks with, like, time. You take care of her, too, like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What do we share in her? Well, that's the thing.


I got to say some. Well, I give permission.


No, I don't know time. I give permission.


And I would like to go out on a date with the king, I, I sign off and I know you'll let me. I know you'll have a good time.


I know you'll appreciate the king's generosity. Hold on. And I think I think it could be a really nice event.


Hold on and I'll. Yes. If you want to get on a flight tonight and we'll figure out the details, fly.


He's a truck driver. He can drive here. Let's a long drive. I think it's fair for you to go meet him at least halfway. You don't know where he is. I don't know what's half way from here. He lives in Ohio.


Is that where he is? Yeah, well, I'm sure he's a driver. Like, next time he comes by play, just swing by the studio, get on a quick flight. OK, here's the thing is that I thought we were in a Christine from mom house.


I thought we were in a closed marriage. Are we now becoming poly and bi?


I think on a case by case basis, I don't think that like we discussed this. I know it's just changed right now in this moment. I don't think that we go, hey, we're open. But I think when certain opportunities arise, it's worth consideration. I think this is one of those. And the king has convinced me that it's you know, I think he's a gentleman. I think he would I think he would take you to a nice dinner.


You're not going to get jealous. Well, that's what I said. I think he treat you with respect. And I. I expect him to and I think he will, you know, and I'm saying, like, at the end of the night, you want to give it like a quick little kiss or something. I'm OK with that, you know. Maybe like a back rub or something. I think that's fine, a back rub or bath or something.


Yeah, yeah. Babe, what? Champagne, Rose, I get it, I get it. I'll tell you something and get some energy going, and nothing would make you happier than seeing my phone lighting up, getting those text messages and go, oh, my gosh, she's so excited about her new boyfriend.


Yeah. Here's the thing now. The king is so sweet. Like, I. I don't know. I think I don't know if we'd be a good match because I think he's actually a sweeter guy than I am. Do you know what I mean.


I'm I'm not as like emotional. I think he's more of a sweet, cuddly guy. Yeah I know. I don't know Tom.


Maybe you're kind of more for like a different type of guy.


You know, the male stripper. No one. No.


If this one is this one.


I think this is it's upstairs on.


You seem to knock oh, it's right here, it's right here, it seems like it is, Tony. John, I know it looks great.


Yeah, you are the male stripper. You with the White House.


Is it out of your mind right now?


Who? Tony, John, I guess I guess that was a prank, I oh, right, that's a risky prank to knock on some dude's door and he's wearing the like the Borat bathing suit, you know, from the first one.


Yeah, he's got a nice piece on them, but I didn't know he was so thin.


Really thin.


Yeah, well, I mean, we suspect he did do some drugs, as you know. Yeah. I don't know.


You have to spell that. Oh, sorry. I don't know why it is bad. I assumed all our listeners were toddlers. Yeah, well, Tony, I hope you're doing well.


I think you look great in that bathing suit. Yeah, I got a DUI that I would definitely let him in if he was like a male stripper. Come on, man.


Can I tell you I would go on a date with Tony Johns in a heartbeat. What? I am so amused by him. He's one of my favorite cool guys. I am I'm endlessly amused by Tony Jones. I love him. OK, I would love to want to hear what he has to talk about.


I gotta do you one, baby.


All right. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back in just a moment.


We'll be back to talking about Fart's antics after this quick break. Want to give a big shout out to today sponsor Woop, you guys know I'm not I'm not playing games, man. It never comes off 24/7. My whoopers on collecting all the data from everything I do, the strain, the sleep, the recovery is a fitness tracker. That's literally like having a personal trainer on your wrist for less than a dollar a day is a pretty good deal.


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Very happy to welcome back a very good comedian and friend of ours, Josh Wolf, thank you very much for stopping by.


Thank you for having me. I appreciate it very much. Pit stop on your trip. Yeah. Yeah. Man, from I was sleeping on my adult son's bed last night. Adult son. Yeah. I forgot to tell you one thing. Now, you know what I found by the side the the side of the bed that's up against the wall, one sock to tuck down.


And I was like, you couldn't adjust.


Our sons could not be further apart in age. Yeah, I know. Yes. Little sons who don't know to touch their dicks yet. And how old?


Two and almost five. Has your two year old found his butthole yet?


That was more of the older kids like his butthole that the two year old. I have seen him grab his balls. When I'm changing him aggressively, I'll be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.


Like like he's. He's like he'll be like, check this out.


Like, look, I'm hot and dry. I'm like, oh, man. I see, I see a kink building. Yeah. Yeah. You never thought conquering was going to be on the Christmas list of the older boy will get on all fours and put his asshole in your face naked and be like, look at my bottle.


Yeah. Loves it. And he goes, I want to poop on you.


Yeah. Cool man. Oh. Both your kids seem to have really taken the kink up a notch. Oh yeah. When you let me ask you, because this was always such a weird phenomenon to me. My kids never seemed to want me to read to them until I was taking a shit and then they will come in. I never got to poop in private.


No, never. I haven't had a shit privately in five years. And I have the whole audience. I've got the two year old, the four year old, the dog. They all everybody, not me.


I'm not in there. No one gives a fuck about Dad. I don't want to see that. Well, you probably like, hey, go mom's pooping.


Yeah, I do it to him. Yeah. Like go go ask Dad if he needs help. It is distressing. I hate it. I love shitting in peace. Now that's what the doors for. That's why nobody that's why they put the walls up in the store.


Yeah but I don't like it Josh because I need to talk to him about stuff like I'll even yell through the wall. Through the door like tape babe did you get that.


And he'll ignore me like he can't. I like to ignore.


I do that too. So rude. My wife's always like, can you not hear me? And I'm like, could you not talk to me before I went to go play?


Like the other thing is the almost five year old at least, you know, understands. So if you're like, get out of here, I'm taking a shit, hit me like a pine and you'll but the two year old, we'll start be like, open up because I'll be like, oh, for fuck's sake.


And then I love it when they rub your back and you're like, oh, I'm so proud of you. Like that feels. Good, they want to see it, too. He's like, I see the people like that, can I when when Jacob was like four, my youngest son. So I don't know.


Do you still take showers with them? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the actually do I have a little bit about it on stage right now, but it's it's pretty wild because, you know, the, the kid, the four year old like showers. Yeah. And like I've seen him slip, which is terrifying, but also he'll just like empty entire bottles of shampoo like Buchen.


What are you doing, man. Like he he it's a like a playground for him.


You know, my son I remember one time and this is what because they're still trying to figure out like your body, their body weight. And so we were in the shower. This is when the last time we shower together. And he was just tearing up. Yes. Yeah. Just and so I, I was we got to the shower and I went for the towel and he's still staring at my desk and he went, oh, no, wait, wait, wait.


And he said to me, he goes, he was squinting first and he goes, why is your penis so much bigger than mine? Yeah, and I told him, I go, first of all, look, no matter how the other person is, it's always nice to hear that you're going to be a four year old, 12 year old and just up one more on the totem pole.


Then I thought. But I realize that, like, oh, this guy really has no. He thinks that's as big as it's going to get for you. Yeah. And he's wondering how he lost out in that. You know what I mean?


Right. He doesn't have perspective. No, it's going to grow. He looks like it's going to grow like the rest of us.


I mean, fingers crossed. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


Well, I Googled for the first time ever. Microscopic penis. Yes. I mean, micropenis, microbicide.


I had never known that was a thing. Really? Oh yeah. Yeah.


I mean, there's there are some that are bigger as big as a grain of rice. No. Yeah.


But like does it get lost in the hair. Is that what happens. Um, I don't know man. Like Oh dear. There's one. Yeah.


I mean, I mean we've all seen Bobby Lee naked. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean he, I told him before, I'm like, you're the only guy I know who has two belly buttons and one's in any.


I got to say I always, you know, my dick.


I'm always like, you know, most people are like I wish I had a bigger dick. And they go when they're when they're dicks showing, they go, you know, it gets bigger. I always tell people, you know, it gets smaller because I'll see my dick. At a stage that I think is small and then later I'm like, what the fuck happened to that?


Like, I'll go further up inside of me if I do, like any type of any type of, like exercise, any cardio or something else.


It'll be like invert itself.


And I have to, but it grows like a thousand percent. Yeah, that's good. Yeah.


I have to say the other day I walked in on you and you were showering and you turn around and I was like damn. Like you had really good hanging. Yeah.


Because there's like there's days and there's moments and you know, like how do you think that is. I don't know. I mean, you know, it could be like that day that you came in the shower or saw me. I probably a hadn't ejaculated in like four days or something. Wow. And then I, I, I wasn't scared.


I was I was warm. There was warm water in the shower. Yeah. I know all the like the moon and everything once.


Yeah. Yeah I, I fear, I fear we'll do it. Fear makes you decide everything.


Your body will go. I mean it doesn't mean that it happens to everybody but it's like men. It's like if you are actually in fear, like your testicles and everything will come in closer. Right. Your body is like, like what's it called. Like saving mechanism where it's like protect yourself. Yeah. So for me, like, yeah. I remember one time we had these movers come in and dude had like I was like making sure that we were like in a bad neighborhood.


Dudes all like tattooed on the neck and stuff. And I pulled her aside.


I got my dick so small right now, I was like watching these guys go through our house. OK, Texas. Yeah. All right. Yeah.


That's what you wanted to let her know not to watch these guys, but I did.


So we just moved to Nashville. Right. I had the and we've all had horrible movie experiences. Right. With the movers. Yeah. These I had the worst. OK, so first of all, they're supposed to show up at ten. Dude calls me at nine, 45 and he goes, hey, we're going to be about 45 minutes late. I'm stopping for breakfast.


I'm all right. Great. Thank you. Yeah.


It's not can I stop having breakfast or we're really hungry or anything like that. We're gonna be late because we're gonna stop for some breakfast. So I was like, this is not we're not jumping off to a great start. Yeah. Go through the drive thru, homie McDonald's or get up forty five minutes earlier.


This is not my this is a you problem, not my problem. So we have I go I need three people. The townhouse that we have is three floors and I go and you're going to need some people who don't mind going up downstairs. So two people shot one of the guys after his first trip, the stairs comes down and goes, Hey, man, I got asthma. Can you just point me to the first floor stuff?


I go, oh, are you just the first floor mover? And he goes, Yeah, I'm just doing first floor.


I go, Who's the third floor guy? So the other guy's there for guy.


Now, the second guy that they were supposed to, by the way, first floor guy finds my merch and he's like, Hey man, can I get a T-shirt?


I'm a third guy, shows up on a motorcycle hour later, open wounds. He he's he's obviously a drug addict.


He's got one giant open sore. He's like he's like he's like the Hindu. He's like a god of meth. He's got the one eye. And then we get off this.


We have, you know, this guy.


I don't know what what was the cutoff. We hired this guy, I think.


Oh yeah.


He had open sores all over his body and he was in and I caught him taking pictures in my house. Take pictures in your house. I sent them all to lunch and I told my family, yes. What is that? That's your guy. You always got your movers away. Nice guys. And go for the defangs.


OK, so right away, because I really enjoy. Well, actually weird shit. My first question is because I really want to know how many knuckles do you think I could go in that hole.


Right. Oh my God. You think I could get one knuckle in there? I mean, I think you can definitely get a knuckle in there. I think I think I could go one knuckle on that dude.


I want to know, like, how how you're not in, like how you're like, I'm OK.


I'm going to leave the house today. I'm not going to get a Gaus head and tape this up or just go to a doctor, mess it up and put some sunrays or something on me.


If I had a hole in my body like that, I would be. So it would be all consuming. Yeah, I figured that out.


Gabriel Iglesias is really gone. I've got this is this is like.


How do you get that whole though? I mean, first of all, I don't know. And I think that the guy this video, he's like, hey, hey, ladies, why are you like this to why are you sure the nice guys are like, nice and you like the douchebags.


And I feel like he should start being like, by the way, I know there's a hole in my face, like, no, go ahead and get into your dress and it should be the lead.


It's a lead story. You don't turn this off.


I know you see the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like if you're a 400 pound comic and you get on stage for the first time and don't say anything about being 40 pounds, yeah, you got to lead with I have a giant hole hole.


You can see ladies. I know you can see my brain. Yeah, but isn't that sexy? You can see how smart it is.


Rough to look at it, but look at you. There's I love. Here's what I love. I love that you assume drugs. I'm going to just I mean what kind of coke. That's the old Joe Diaz joke. What are they cutting this coke with butter. Yeah, because he's this dude is high.


No one really not doing it right. I asked Dr. Drew, I'm like, if he's on meth.


I mean, aren't you supposed to be skinny? He's like, no, there's a lot of you can still write. Didn't he say that?


I don't remember. Now, I don't think this has anything to do with drugs. Yeah. He's like I think it does Drew. Think it's a drug that this guy's on drugs. I think this is a skin condition.


Like, yeah, this guy is like dermatological.


You know, I think he's can you be fat on meth?


You can go without the girl right now. But look, I found stuff. You did.


Yeah, I do want to tell you and I and I, Ryan had told me how much you enjoy horrible videos. Yeah, I have a video that I'm not sure that you could show, but I have a video that I would love to have you watch your reaction, whatever it is.


Yes. All right. This is because I enjoy gross shit like. Really. So here's the thing.


Yeah, I'm sure you're on an email or text chatting with a bunch of people who. This is the grossest. The gross. Yes. Yeah, yeah.


I have one friend who finds things. And he lives in Montana. Mm hmm. And I think the Internet is different there because he finds things that I'm like, where are you finding this?


But he feels like he's the first guy years ago who sent me the the guy getting a blowjob from the fish. I'm sure you've seen that video. But from the fish.


No. Or you haven't seen the guy talking about in the ocean with a wild fish getting a blowjob. No, you haven't seen that video.


You can Google.


How have we missed the guy getting a blowjob from fish that no one will come up?


I've seen by getting butt fucked by a horse and dying. Yeah, yeah. It's a neat one.


This one is great because he's got a friend filming him fish blowjob videos and it's on one of our favorite websites. Oh yeah.


Oh OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh I got to make sure that I have this but this.


OK, I can't believe there's more than one. Yes I can. Why don't. Who am I kidding. If there's one, there's more than one. Right. Hold on. OK. But I sent this video that I'm about to send you to the guys at. Let me just tell you that this video, this isn't it. No, that is oh, that's the ad. Definitely not it. There have been people have thrown up. Oh, is this it?


No, but that's a good one.


This is so horrible that they're torturing that fish.


Well, this one, the one that I saw is the guys in the ocean. Oh, my gosh. And he is getting the blow gefilte fish. And when he pulls the fish away and lets it go, the fish comes right back to the deck. Oh, he thinks it's a tube or something.


But hold on. Let me just make.


Oh, God, I, i, i.


Hold on. Let me just make sure he thinks he's eating coral like he's like when when am I going to get sustenance from this tube of coral. It is. I'll maybe I'll to it afterwards. George. I don't know where I can go. That's ok. I think we're good. Yeah. This one is. Get it. I got it. Terrible. Oh are you watching it right now.


He's watching other stuff. I'm looking for other girls sitting on waffles. I mean girls sitting on waffles watching a porno category is that you can look at right now. I'm like, you know, it's crazy you say that, but I bet you if you Google girls shitting on me.


No, I mean, my favorite to this day, still my favorite and the one that makes me laugh every single time, even though I know what's coming and I know cake farts to me is still seriously cool.


Undisputed heavyweight champ, really ridiculous video now that's been sent to us so many times. You know what? There's one there's one part that makes me laugh.


Yeah. It's the close up of her butthole that has frosting on it.


And then when she farts, some of the frosting really gets you. I don't know what is.


So where's where's the docking video? I wanted to show. Oh, that's interesting. That's what's that called, uh, thing.


If you search for problems.


Now, see, Josh, I like a little bit of mental illness in my heart's. Yeah. Yeah.


The one that I really take has tickled me for years, has been homeless guy gets raped by gay ghost and it's just this guy in an alleyway and he's got his legs in the air and he's in an alley alone and he thinks he's getting fucked by.


I like a real performance I've never seen. Yeah.


And he's going he's going to fuck me and my eyes, man. Yeah. I mean, it feels good when you fucking me and so funny.


Let me ask you. He's in ecstasy. Are you. Are you. And I'm just going to come straight out life.


Are you a.. Ghost. I mean you just say yes. Are you saying ghosts don't exist. Have you seen this before. Yes, that's what I was going to say.


And you seen this? Oh yeah. That's what I was. This is the thing. Yeah. Yeah.


You know what gets me?


Have you seen the one where the guy puts the prolapsed in his mouth? Yeah, that one is. Do you know what the first time I saw that I was like that is because it looks like something from Star Wars. Yeah. You would see in a Star Wars bar.


It's pretty wild. Yeah. Do we have, are you are you here. Are you joining us.


Is it done. It's not. I don't like it. Can I ask you why do I have that in my body. Yeah. No, we try to pull it as a thing. We could make this video right.


But which one am I. Am I the clean eyes or the hairy. I think you're the cleaner. This will turn out OK. It's so bad. So I like that when you get what's going on, there is a guy like he's trying to do a video, I guess maybe like a tick tock, and he's on top of a refrigerator and he's obviously trying to set something up and he falls with everything in the fridge so far.


So so he's like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah.


No, I got to tell you, that's a good one. I have no sympathy, empathy. Any of that for these. No. Right that you earned. You get a hundred percent agree with that. Yeah.


There's things that like you go OK, I feel bad. Yeah. You know this is not this. You feel bad you know.


Oh. Yeah, you're right. He's OK. He's fine. That, by the way, when that just shows you, when is your time?


It's your time. That had to be the most precise. Yes, half a second. Even though and now his shoulder is fucked.


You think it's just his shoulder? That's what I think. Oh, that's nice. It probably makes you feel better. Laugh. Exactly. Shoulder injury we want to do.


I like how we just assign the injured if we assign the injuries that make us feel good. There's just.


No, you're right. It's like Melyssa, like, check this. I haven't even seen this one.


But can I ask let me ask, how long would you rather have a death like this where you're just walking down the street in your shorts and your T-shirt and then you get hit by some crazy ironbar or you're on a motorcycle and you see the demise coming as you're about to get into the audience in the accident? Yes. Yeah, I agree, because you're just like, oh, my God, what am I to have for lunch or a long illness?


So fuck that. Fuck that. Do you know what is great? And I say great because death isn't great. But as far as death is concerned, yeah. What's great about this is there's no fear involved.


Right, exactly. And he has no fear. He didn't know what happened. Right. I'm not scared of dying.


I'm not I'm there's no. Oh, I died alone. There's none of that. That's a great point. This is just I'm alive. Things are great.


And I'm not, you know, not so great. But but there's none of that and anxiety.


And I would even say I don't even know, like as a family member, if I would rather see somebody go through it now or this is tough because you don't get to say your goodbyes and all that.


That's the one thing I would not I'd be sad about is not saying goodbye to my kids and my husband.


But but then again, I don't want them to watch me dying, but I haven't been to deal with all that shit.


Do you think this is a good way to go out? Oh, fuck, I don't like it. All right. This is hungry. It might be. It's definitely Europe. It's Europe. Yes. Mine is of. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, but then, look, he's OK. He's like Jesus, man. A little wobbly, little wobbly.


You're going the wrong way, brah. I got I got that lady. The lady or man.


Well, he's like I to get the fuck out of here. But you see that again. I was pretty mean. They both were like the person swerved into him.


Yeah. Well that the driver is completely at fault there obviously.


Yes. Right. Like in fact this was captured at the damn intersection. OK, it's the perfect storm. Yeah. Oh no. Oh Jesus Christ. I'm always surprised by how a little wobbly but my jacket. I'm fine. You don't back.


I could be dead an hour later. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


I'm always surprised by how they they go up in the air and not they don't just go straight back and get run over but hold on. So she gets out of her car.


The driver. Yeah. Looks over and she's like oh he's fine.


He gets back in the car like it's fine. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing like that.


I know the, the watching the the legs and everything go over. That's the funny part. Absolutely. No, just seeing like the.


No, I didn't laugh once and now.


Oh I think the up in the air. Yeah. Feet going straight up. That's always a funny thing. Always funny. Yeah. What do you think is more funny.


So did you grow up or in Florida Tom. If a part of the time. Yeah. So did you ever grow up in an area where people were slipping on ice.


Yes, I lived in the Midwest.


That to me on the ice might be because when you slip on ice is hilarious. Yes. And deadly.


Yes. But funny before death. Yes. No, the best part is when you slip. It's that when you hit the apex and you almost freeze for a second. That's my favorite.


I've eaten shit on ice so many times. Seriously? Yeah. Oh my God. Nothing hurts more all the time that you actually do. It is when you're like, you're just, you're like, oh all right, we got to go and you just walk out the door like you normally would. You don't realize that there's an ice pass either on those stairs on the sidewalk and you will with force and momentum. Yeah, I mean, just absolutely.


It's funny to watch, but like, I know a dude who died, he slipped on the ice, hit his head and he died freshman year of college.


Yeah. What? He was a freshman. He was a freshman in college anymore. No, he's not. He's dead now.


Right. He's not anymore.


Remember when you were a freshman in college, you know why you're not anymore. Hmm.


Or just forever. Or a freshman in college. That's a nice way to look at this. You know, you had brain damage.


I mean. I mean, but people broke elbow, you know, arms, elbows, dislocated shoulder. You like, you know. Naturally, when you slip and fall, you put it down. Is terrible. Don't let's not talk about this, all right? This is something funny. Yeah.


Should we lighten up the mood? Oh, yeah. Hold on. That was a book. We ordered these. I need some positive, positive affirmation.


I'm trying just so you know what I ordered that just came to my house, a sequinned Nicolas Cage. You look stronger, healthier and wiser. You will discover talent that you didn't know you had. You will accomplish the God given dream he's placed in your heart. Thank you, wow, Joel Osteen, inspiration cue, yeah, inspiration cube. Hmm. Just out of curiosity, what's he getting for that?


40 dollars, really? Forty dollars? Yeah, it's a lot more expensive than an app. Yeah.


Easier to just put on my phone. Yeah, that is quite a wrap.


We spare no expense here at your mom's house for our props. But no, I like that. How many different. Inspirational.


Oh my God. It's 50 to 50 different sermons. And then it says Joel on here too. Did you notice that?


And they just totally ran like you never know what they'll have in it.


Like I'm a fucking American. You'll fuck this. Just whatever you get, you know? Wait, what did you just order?


You said a sequinned Nicolas Cage pillowcase. Oh, I didn't hear that. That's from Amazon. Yeah. Wow.


Zanzibar's it's an Etsy has all these seke where you wipe it and it's Nicolas Cage and you wipe it back and it's not.


Wow. Yeah. No, I think they missed the boat on wiping at Nicolas Cage wiping it back.


John Travolta for Face would be great.


I mean they really missed my move right there. Oh I feel like the I just the concept of that I'm like that should be five hundred dollars, you know. I mean. Yeah. Like it's upsetting that I already know that it wasn't.


Yes, I do like the fact that like that a you guys are both super interested in it because I love that.


But that like we it could be ten dollars or five hundred dollars. And so I had a Yeah. Either one, I'd be like yeah that makes it, it makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.


But like if you can see a face by you know putting your wiping your hand across it, you've got to be able to, that should be there should be a cost associated with that. Yeah. That's not some bullshit.


You know, I mean the technology for that alone seems five hundred.


I got, I got one. You're going to like hear this one. You're not going to get upset at me. No one's going to be upset in the booth at this one. You're going to like this one.


All right. OK, so this customer got mad because I want a cashier's check and he shitty and fucking put my fucking car on his ass when I fucking see him. He oh, no. I got his toaster, his holiday.


I got off of work. I really hate the shirt off my windshield. But Khelil Salsbury Schepper for January 15th, 1996. I'm going to beat your ass. Like I said earlier, what made you so bad is I'm driving down the road. Everybody keep staring at my fucking car to get out. Everybody keep staring at these.


Look at this. Demand me fresh clean energy and it's not.


Come on. Oh it's not coming.


Oh my God. That's no shit on her windshield.


No shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.


On and left his pants to like, fuck that bitch. That's the craziest part.


And by the way, that those look like Florida streets.


So I like what the sun puts the shit into her windshield and the shit looked like an orange, a healthy diet.


That was not a healthy thing, like a log that was like a and so my man needs his probiotics. One hundred percent, maybe some glutamine, tighten that up.


But my question was exactly did he shit in his pants and then wipe it on the car. Like, what's such a gnarly move.


Yes, he here's my theory. OK, guys, go with brown lock.


He shit in his pants, took the pants off and then mushed it on the windshield and then but but then when he walks around Donald Duck in it the rest of the day because I'm sure he didn't have an extra pair of pants in his car. Yeah. But not only that, that's crazy. I think we can all. Well I was just about to apply logic to somebody who shit in his pants and wiped it on somebody's card.


I can't really do that. But my thing is that, like, the most uncomfortable part to me is not walking around naked but white, but walking around without having you know, you need to wipe after that shit. Well, she said she actually says in the video he left his shirt here.


So maybe what he did was he stood on the the the hood or something, squatted over her windshield shit and tried typing his ass with his shirt.


Oh, that would make so I didn't know.


Then you can leave with no shirt. That is so smart being just that shitty shirt babe. You're so smart and done.


But it was so good by the way.


So smart. I mean there's got to be a part two to this video. What happened to Khaleel. We are all waiting. I, I would like to know we'd all love the update. She does know his address. I'm not putting it past this woman to go right to his house.


What would be your move. So say so. So say is it shit for shit like I friend I do you do you up the shit or what's your move.


If you know who it is and you know like I shouldn't say this. Yeah. But I think it's violence.


I think that that's what you do when somebody does that to you. Oh I know. You don't go to. Are you going to take a fucking case back to your rib cage?


Yeah, but but but somebody who's willing to stand on your hood and shit those guys fucking nuts. Yeah, but here's the thing. I think about people like that. They only speak one language, and that is I'm going to fuck you and kill you.


Yeah, that's a really good point. I have to tell you. I just I don't think I'd go back to this dude. I think it probably is.


Yeah, I'd let it. I don't I don't think she should go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.


That's what we were talking about earlier before you got here today is like, do you retaliate against crazy or do you just kind of let it go just now? My husband likes to confront it, obviously. I think it depends. I think it depends like I mean, it's changed as I've gotten older with more to lose when I was younger, with nothing to lose. I am 100 percent in front of you. Yeah, because. Yeah, why not.


Right. Right.


Now, if I think there's a chance that I like. Okay, because I grew up three older brothers so retaliation is a thing and you may I don't mind playing the long game. Yeah. Yeah I'm good.


That's the way what I mean that's the whole way is you don't do shit right now. No, no, no, no, no. You can't. You stay you lay low for like six months brah. Keep it right. That is the way to do it.


I mean, if I were like I just put it in my head that this is Florida and South Florida and it may or may not be, but if it is for sure, you can wait a few months, keep all that info and find people that for five hundred dollars will set his house on.


Like there are people that you can be like, follow this guy. Yeah.


And stab him in the leg, like they'll do it.


And I think just judging by that, I don't you don't want to get it traced back to you. Well, fucking here's what I would do.


Here's what I would do. You have a Social Security. You have everything you need to really ruin this person's life. I'm saying there are memberships to NAMBLA that you can sign him up for. There's like sneaky or crazy or shit you could do.


That's true. You could really fuck his world up that way.


I mean, I just to say, though, I'm not sure this dude, Khelil, is in a position where he cares if you're signing them up for. Yeah. Do you know what I mean.


Like this movie, somebody crazy.


I think you play the long game and you just you you plan something out and tell you what Khaleel would really hate.


I throw shit on this fucking line, couldn't use his right hand anymore to wipe his ass.


And I'm telling you, I really think the move on these things is you you you go to the park, you befriend a homeless guy.


You go there like a couple of times a week. You bring him food and you make him trust you. And then you go, here's what I need you to do for me. And he's like, you know, he's like, yeah, I live at the park, whatever.


But he's like, Oh, Khelil Cleo. Oh, he's right there.


Yeah, yeah, yeah I know Khaleel. But here you need a homeless guy that's like schizophrenic and no talking to himself. So that way he can't get pinned on you because he could be like, who told you to go break that guy's head open?


And Tom Sigurður, the comedian. But I think we're gonna be someone who's crazy.


So that way to get to crazy will not be able to execute the plan.


And I kind of thought I could just tell him the wrong name. He doesn't have to say I'm Thompson, but he's a recognizable like LeBron.


You'd have to have Nadav do your bidding and Dobb would have to go the more the more you can, like, separate from the the person you're asking to do the crime, of course, the better.


I don't think, though, I think if I think if Tom goes down and walks around, I don't think he's going to stick out amongst the homeless people as much as the dog and the dog walks down there going to be like, Knaack, look at this with me.


They'll be like, he looks kind of homeless.


Yeah, he could maybe fit it. Yeah, he maybe he came from here. He's not here now, but hold on.


Is the revenge is it going to be tit for tat, like are we going to put Kakha on his windows, are we going to throw a bag of dog shit at him as he's walking down the street so that it's on his face and he smells it? That's what I would want to do, is put the caca on his face and like make him really smell it. Like how you go Kako with some accent. I can't Hungarian. I like that.


Like the accent. Yeah, I tell you. I'm telling you what, you like his accent.


You put this guy in the hospital, not like you don't end his life.


You put them in the beginning in so much trouble. I lean towards cutting. Yeah. Makoko if you do it you just tip so he does it so he'll fucking be like oh bitch that's six months ago, that's the big fucking shit on her windshield. It's shit for shit is what I'm talking both kneecaps, both hands shot collarbone.


But then if this guys just that body cast, why don't we just you're not going to damage that damn makeup. I mean that's what I would do. A good point then can we put shit in his body cast?


So that certainly smells. So he's like it smells like. Yeah, they smell sometimes because you're sweating like.


No, it's really funny cause I stepped in dog shit and it was so unpleasant barefoot the other day. Like if we could get him to do that.


Let me ask you, have you ever stepped OK, have you ever stepped in human poop? No, no, it's the worst.


I felt like cutting off my foot. One of your kids out in the street. Oh, it's one of my life.


Like, uh, were you wearing clothes toed shoes or please? Well, I have to tell you, I don't own flip flops or sandals, OK? I'm 100 percent antique, thank God.


Especially out in public, like.


Yeah, public fucking crazy if you're at your house or things on flight.


Oh, my God.


I said there was a dude across the aisle from me clipping his fucking toenails. Oh, crazy. Nasty as hell. I've seen people clip him at. The gate or you get your life sitting at the gate, that's your fucking life guy told me, I go, Hey, man, you can't do that. You said that. Yeah. What did they say? Because I bought the seat. I go, Yeah, I bought this seat to I go, you can't be clipping your toenails.


And he goes there. All this was ridiculous. He was where they're all followed by my feet. We've all clipped. They you don't know where the fuck your toenails are going.


They shoot all of this guy's mid 30s.


What, was he mentally usable? No. And I was like, listen, man, I don't want to have to do this, but I'm going to think, yeah, I want a bong.


And I said, hey, here's what I was what did.


And then I when she comes over, I just pointed.


She said, Sir, you can't do that. Of course you can't do that.


It's just not OK. I don't think you should have your socks off. No, you definitely should not be clipping your fucking Tonette now bra.


I would rather see somebody get a handjob, you know, when, like, there's a couple and someone's getting a handjob. I'm like loving.


Who cares? Yeah, like they're cleaning it up. It's in that blanket. I'm not using that blanket. That's their seat, whatever. That doesn't. It's just like, OK. I had a guy at one of my shows who he was finger banging his girl at clarities, OK, guys, not subtle, not subtle like this.


You know what clarities the tables are facing you. And so if it's a round for top, the two people up front, they're facing you in front of the table. Right.


So this they're there in front of the table as opposed to behind the table. Would there be some type of barrier?


Yes. Fucka. And so in hilarity, at the table, polarities that there's a front row and that second row is a couple feet back from it. So you can see them very clearly when I tell you he was not hiding it. It wasn't she was sitting six inches away from it. No joke. It looked like he was a DJ scratch and a record. That's the arm motion he was making eyeballing me the whole time.


And I was like, oh, this is some prison shit. Like this dude is staring me down. Yeah. And. The staff was like after the show, they were like, why didn't you throw him out?


He did get thrown out but not for a finger in his girlfriend, because that's not illegal. No. And honestly, if you say something like you were like, hey, man.


So he was fingering the girl. And I was like, I wonder. I didn't say anything because honestly, it just gave me something different to look at.


You've got a nice. Yeah. I mean, I was like, all right. And I say it was for me it was like a sign of respect. Oh, she's yeah. Everybody's excited to be here, you know. So he's fingering are looking at me and I'm looking around and I'm like, how is nobody else noticing?


So I took the compliment to you, by the way.


So it must have been a riveting show. We were having a great time out. Yeah. So I, I had to kick them out because he ended up talking at the table and I can't have that. Yeah. Because now your mother.


Yeah. Well now you're bothering other people like fingering. Is it all you want.


Yeah. Yeah. I throw him out and I ask the people who are sitting behind him, oh, I thought you guys were with him, and she goes, not the woman of a couple. The woman was like, no, I can't believe I had to sit at this table through that whole thing. And the guys I go, you didn't see a guy? And he goes, No, I thought, I can't believe I didn't have to pay extra for this ticket.


Yeah, he was like he was like it was I was watching two shows.


I didn't know which one to watch. Yeah. It turns out an entire half of the room saw them. Oh. Then they were saying they were as one half of the room. We named him the fingertips. Yeah. We were like Mr. and Mrs. Fingleton, it turned out OK, this is even better. It's insane. They went to the back of the room after separately and called their separate spouses.


No. Well, the reason he was so mad is because they were on the. Well, you can't be on the DL together, out in public fingering your mister in the front row, dipshit.


Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I've seen hands in protest, by the way, in that shows before.


Yeah. But never a full like I've I've accused. I be like, hey, what are you fingering her.


You know, I like the hand is like looks like it's up the dress but not the motion or same thing with, with a woman's hand like on a man's thigh like oh I'm like jacking them off right now.


Would that bother you had a show.


No, but it's just like something to see and say, you know, like yeah. It's like an observation right now. The only time I've really I don't like when people make noise. I agree. Like, there was one woman that stood up and made a dolphin noise in the very front row during my act and Indianapolis. And I was like, just throw you get out of here. And she wouldn't leave. And I had to sit down on the stool and wait for the guard to let her, like, kick her out.


It just don't make noise. And she's completely hammered. Yeah.


Don't vomit in my show room had that happen. So I, I've had people fall asleep, drunk. That's fine. But even that's fine. Just be quiet about anything and be quiet.


Yeah I know I had a show where the like no there's all this noise. I like talking and I'm like what's going on. And then like after the show I was like, so what was all that? And they were like, yeah, they just wouldn't stop talking.


But that's what I asked you to watch out for, like all the talking. And they're like it was a group. So and I was like, so then the group and group out and they're like, yeah, we're going to we'll work on that.


I'm like, this is the whole thing.


There's not a lot to work on. Yeah. My my rule is this and I tell people I give one warning at the show and people have come to my shows, know this and they're always like, you seem like such a you're very serious. When he says I go, I am. And the rule is if you're talking to me, that's one thing, because now you're part of the show and I can make that. Yes, that's true.


If you're talking to each other and you're ruining somebody else's show.


Who exactly. Zero tolerance. You're hearing my one warning. I'm not going to go back to your table and say, I'm warning you.


You say this at the shows. Yeah. I say you're hearing my one warning.


If you're talking to each other, I'ma throw you out. Yeah, period. Not like, you know, after a joke, I, I get that like that. But if you're carrying on conversations like in the build, the check comes.


I get that sometimes people talk. Everybody wants to know who had the Bud Light. Yeah. I don't know why we got to talk out loud about it but yeah I get it.


How about just be a fucking adult. Grab some plastic from your wallet.


I can give you. I know. Jesus Christ, my favorite is who had the iced tea? Oh, my God, I'll pay for the iced tea, everybody. Yeah, I'm in the middle of my closer. You remember just being like I got it. Yeah. You owe me 40 bucks.


Talk about it after the show, dipshit.


I will tell you, though, the live shows I've been doing, the crowds are so excited.


Now, hold on. So, Tennesse, are you guys, like, open? You're allowed to do shows and stuff.


I wasn't working there, so I did a show there at Zaneis and I think they were at a hundred. Twenty people, so it's not a race, but that's still that's so great, I'm so jealous in Denver. I mean, like in two days before I got there, they cut it from 50 to like 25 percent.


Think we're about to have, like, a major shutdown? I think we are, because it's and it's all I mean, it's that, you know, people aren't taking precautions, but it's also that we're getting into winter and it's people aren't it's just going to get worse.


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Mom, I what makes me shocked about that school. Sorry, just do your burps have a taste. So they have a smell. Do they have a smell.


Oh my God. I know they always smell like garbage or exactly what he ate. His pee smells terrible this morning. It was like do you even drink water.


Hey, hey. When you're talking about burp.


And one time we peed together and what I mean, like you were sitting down. He was. No, I'm sorry. I meant we shower together. This is like two, no, three years ago.


And he he does this hobo stuff where he, like, blows his nose in the shower with me snot rocket and he washes his asshole and he spreads his butt cheeks and the water goes down.


It's so vile, it's so vile. And then at one point he pee.


He likes to pee on me while making eye contact. He will. That's some khaleel shit right there. Yeah.


Like he'll smile at me and baby and then I'll feel the warmth on my leg and he'll pick on me.


And then the one time he did this in that shower pece it smelled like somebody dumped just a pot of coffee in the shower.


I was like dude did you even drink water. Like it was such a it smelled just like freshly.


I love coffee. I love. Can I come in when he pees on you in the shower. Yeah. Is it like or is it front for like you're facing each other.




And he pretends like he's not so he, it's like, you know we're making eye contact and I'm like yeah. You think later and then as I'm talking to you it's a trick.


I'll start peeing. I like that. Yeah. It's a neat trick.


I'm not a fan like when my wife's like I'd like to shower with you. I'm like, I don't like that.


No, man, don't you guys get screwed because we're cold and I'm like, I don't I don't like you.


Like it's 120 degree water. You I like it. Tone this down a little bit.


Yeah. But it's either scalding or freezing. So I roll of content. That's an indicator of divorce when people content. She's been saying this for only ten years.


It's a study they did on what they did. I kind of roll your eyes. Eye rolling is a sign of contempt that that's contempt.


And she's like and that is a sign for divorce. And then she'll just say, I've been rolling my eyes at my wife for years. Yeah. Yeah, me too. We'll see how that goes.


Yeah, I think I think we negated the study.


OK, you don't know yet, but rolling with it's funny to me that you think the rolling the eyes these the divorce but not him paying on.


You know that's intimacy. Yeah. That's a sign of love. OK, if Tom stopped peeing on. Yeah.


Let me tell you this, John and I have one more question, but. Sure. Go ahead. Do you have a problem with how he washes his asshole or.


Yeah, it's the it's the it was the theatrics of like I'm spreading my cheeks and the water goes into it like I know you're not doing that alone. We're doing this for my benefit. Because when you are alone, is that how you shower? I probably I try to turn it up a little bit for you.




It's a performative aspect to can I add something to it that I have a friend with a why he and his wife, she was like she used a shower with them and this is how he got her to stop. He had an asshole bar so that he would shove into his asshole and sit there and look at her and then just drop it out. That's fine. And he was like, this is how I wash my ass. Or do you have a problem with that?


She was like, I'm not sure that's a good move. Yeah. So she and he would eye contact the whole time.


He would be like. Now, I do shove a bar of soap. Kind of like not quite inside my ass. Well, definitely on and around my asshole. And then I'll use that same bar soap all over my body to it doesn't bother me.


But do you go asshole first? I mean, don't even think about it. I don't think about it.


I don't know where it is and how we use our hands. We don't use washcloths. Are you a wash called her.


You know what's funny? I'm a wash cloth for my underarms, but not my asshole. Oh yeah. Did you grow up in poverty?


I did. OK, so that makes sense. Washcloths. Yeah. Poor people. Yeah.


Did you not. Do you had a group of money. No, we did not use washcloths.




Because like every everybody who has like almost pretty much brought up washcloths grew up at least I don't know, underprivileged that I've but I talked to.


But it's so much more work. So what it is effective. Here's the thing. It is fact of a joke about it. But I have found that it's like this bizarre socioeconomic, you know, indicator.


We definitely had washcloths. We definitely had the potato chips that just said chips. Yeah. Like we had all that. You know, we didn't have a car for a little most of my childhood.


Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What city did you live in? I grew up in Amherst, Mass. Oh. Just like west western mass. We just didn't have you know, it's crazy. I think part of it because social media and you know, everything's in your face all the time. But I don't know that I knew we didn't have money. No.


I mean, I know we didn't have money, but you didn't I was never I wasn't looking at other people's lives.


You don't know for a while, like when I was a little kid and up until, you know, I was eight or nine, we didn't have money. Like my dad had a corporate job but wasn't making good money. And I didn't know that we didn't have money until later on when he was earning more. And I was like, oh, we were like, well, you guys were like getting by back then. I didn't realize, you don't know when you're because when you're six, seven, eight, nine years old, it's about having, you know, playing with your siblings and your friends and like, you don't care what it says on the jack, you're like, it's cold.


Do I have a jacket? You're not like, what brand is this jacket? You know, that that stuff usually comes in your teens, I think, where you're like, what's the label?


Oh, sixth grade. And is it this is a big one. Are they. But like third and fourth. Yes. Jeans. I love it. Third and fourth grade.


You never had questions.


You know, when my so I when I was single raising the three kids, you know, I lived in a while in one room in Hollywood, I made twelve hundred dollars a month. Oh my gosh. So you think about how much you can get for twelve hours. And so what was your rent.


I was living in one room and my brother had the other room and he paid the lion's share of that. Wow. And I, I'll tell you. So my oldest old and they didn't know that have money either because you're right, when you're that age it's about having fun. And so I knew I couldn't take them to like a Six Flags or anything. So their favorite thing to do was I would put them in the trunk of my car and drive them around empty parking lots.


And it was their roller coaster. So it was fun.


It was like it was like because it was dark and I would go over speed bumps and is fun.


But that's the kind of stuff you make do with what you get when you have no money. We have no money. We have washcloths, guys. Yeah.


What do you what do you want to do with these? My when my oldest son was seven, he said to me, he goes because we lived in one room. So he was like, I would like to have my own room. I go, well. This is the only room we have because I understand that I'm wondering if I can sleep in the closet and I was like, what? Oh, he's like, can I clear out your shoes and sleep in the closet and I'll just sleep in here?


It'll be like my room. And I was like, how old was he? When he says, it's probably seven. Wow. And I was like, Yeah, that's fine. And he was OK. And I was like, but just you have to promise me when you go to school, don't don't tell your teacher you're sleeping in the closet because they're going to come get you like. Yeah, they're not going to be psyched about that story.


And then my daughter was like, I want my own room too. And I was like, I don't have.


And she said, can I sleep under the bed?


I'm like, yup. So I had one in the closet. I had one in the bed. And my youngest son, I was like, where are you going, dude? Like, I would love this, but everybody was happy to have their space.


Yeah, everybody has their own space. So I tell people how I grew up, how I grew up. My mom and I just had like a small, shitty apartment. We live in an apartment complex way, like a two bedroom apartment. And I told my friends this and they're like, that is so depressing. And like it wasn't, though, because you don't you don't even realize what you don't have.


Yeah. And, you know, what's your your pleasures back then, like a cookie was the best thing that could happen to you.


And previs. You didn't know how other people were living know you didn't know you were really missing out right on anything. Now you're very well aware.


Yeah. Yeah. Now you see like is that fifteen year old, does he make twenty five million a year because he unpacks things on YouTube. So depressed he does.


That is the that little Asian kid who made unboxing or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I think his name is Ryan. He makes something crazy like twenty five million a year and you're like what is your skill bro.


He's like I get these toys man. Yeah. And what do you do. I open them and then what do you do. I tell you if I like them or not. I mean that's why people love to watch me do the same document.


Yeah. You know who's the happiest.


His parents were like you don't have to have a job. Oh. Ever there. Done it again. Yeah. Ever again. If you say one of your kids wanted to get into the business. Mm. I know I had that rule with my daughter who desperately wanted to and I was like, you can get into it when you're eighteen but I can't have you. I can't have I can't have you hear the word no about.


Do you know what I mean. That's the thing that I, my first rule would be do not use my last name because I don't want to be associated with how much you suck at this.


Yeah, exactly. God. And let me tell you how you get ahead.


I got a reputation to uphold. Yeah. I can't have you fucking that I fuck it up. People hear your last name like, oh I saw Sega and then they saw your shit act the fuck out of here. Could you imagine.


Yeah. You can't get in. Stand up. What if you saw. No way.


If you suck, you know, traumatized you have to be to be a stand up comic. It's like the crazy. You have to really. Yeah.


No they're not going to do. I don't know. They're way too privileged. They're way more. Way more.


So at best they could be comedy. I would, I wouldn't mind them being comedy writers. Yeah. Yeah. That's way less abusive. Yeah. Like being in a writer's room and pitching bits and stuff. I'll be fine. You know, I'm going to be like, you know what's cool buddy science say go fuck him now.


Golf is cool. Yeah man. I wish we could make math cool. By the way, I never thought you could make chess cool until I started watching Queens game.


I just referenced that before you got here. It's awesome.


Have you, by the way, do you know, show the best show on TV and I've seen her speak Spanish. Know her.


She does. She was raised in Argentina.


She's great. She speaks. This show's perfect. Have you watched any of it? No, I just I just got into when he was in Alabama, so it wasn't my best show.


What a great show. She speaks fluent Spanish and perfect.


The thing is, you don't have to understand chess. It's really not about chess. It's about this journey that this girl goes on through the game of chess, how it's changed her life.


And I was on the chess team for a year. No, you know, I was I was. Is there a ranking? Well, here's the thing. Fuck are you talking about.


I was on the chess team, so my dad you know, my dad's chess fanatic. Yes, I did. And he plays chess and has played my entire life, taught me to play chess. When I was a kid, I went to a middle school that had a chess team. I'm so dumb that I basically was like, well, my dad's really good at chess.


I'm probably like, I didn't make sense. Yeah, I just knew how to play. And the school that I was at had a reputation for being like, really good at chess. So when you say our school to somebody else to play chess, they'd be like, oh, you must be like really good. And so I went to, I don't know, a few matches. I just got my fucking ass kicked on every single time I played.


And people be like, oh, you're like the guy that sucks at the good school, but yeah, you're the shittiest guy on your team. You're the twelfth man off the bench of the Bulls. Do I think I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


I, I would love like if we put I would love to see how I would do. Assess right now, I haven't played since I was, yeah, 10 really good players are unbelievable men. They are just, you know, they're they have so many reps. It's like an open mike or versus a 20 year veteran or something. You know, they have so many reps that it's like it's automatic. How how could I can't even play checkers.


I think you have to be thinking too many moves. And I don't have that.


My dad right now, he's 72. He plays at one time. He might have like 25, 30 games going and will like online. And he's just switching between and and playing these different games.


Is he still sharper than you mentally? No, no. Not like not in conversation and like quickness. But when it comes to, like, playing that game, he'll also he'll play all those games. Then he'll have a board in the room that he's playing a game on with somebody over a phone call and then he has a separate board that he might be like studying moves on. Like, it's just he absolutely is obsessed with chess and has been my like my entire life.


And was he ever, like, disappointed because you didn't take up jobs? I don't think so. He didn't. He didn't. I mean, like, we you know, he was teaching me when I was a kid, he had a brother who was much, much like genius level smart, like very, very, you know, went to Princeton at like sixteen and and was a very, very successful doctor. He died.


But he's obviously like he was smartest guy in the family. And my dad would beat him at chess. So I think that was like a big boost.


I could tell you morale, six years old. There's some things like when when people go, oh, that sounds awesome. Like six years old in college. Sounds terrible. Yeah. Those dudes who have two dicks I know some people like, that'll be great. So to Dick sounds terrible. Just want one good dick. One good one Dick that I don't. And by the way guys were like I would love it. I don't want a huge dick, I want it to fit in my pants.


Yeah. Yeah. I don't want it to be cumbersome like all of those things that people think it sounds awesome.


Yeah. See, I think it's good to be just average or slightly above average in like one or two things. And then even in the looks department, you don't want to be too good. Look, I agree.


Just good looking at it now.


So I want to be you don't want to be the number one comedian ever anything. You just want to be like, you know, the I mean, they're in the top percentage.


Yeah. Because no, no one is the person that everybody dislikes every line and every word. And they're like, you know, checks like and you're like that.


That's way too many eyeballs because they're they're dissecting things that that person's been doing for twenty years. Yes. But like now they've all of a sudden just started doing it now. Yeah. And it's it's completely unfair.


It'd be better to be like the fifteenth best. Yeah. Yeah.


I've always said the best job in the world is the drummer for Pearl Jam. Right. Because nobody knows. If he walked in here right now, I'd be like, hey, man, can I get a water? Yeah, I don't know who that do it is, but he gets to play with Pearl Jam. Yeah, it's great. Stadiums travel the world, but he could go to Ralph's and get dinner.


Nobody knows who he is. Yeah.


I think right now I have to say my level of quote fame is the best because it literally it is like the Postmus guy is like Christina.


Your mom says, I'll see you up. It may never be like four strokes over like that, but it's like it's always like the FedEx guy.


It's like the guy stocking cans of beer. I throw the liquor store, whatever the fuck.


It's like normal people, free French toast.


Well, I went to a diner and they brought out what's this? They go, big fan. You're some free French. Yeah, that's a fucking great level. Yes. Free French toast.


Free French toast. Fame is the perfect level. So you tell me I'm walking and I hop and I'm walking out just the tip. OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel it makes a good move. And you know what else? Things like that, I know that sounds stupid, but free French toast makes you feel good, you're like. Not that you couldn't pay for the French toast, but you're like, that's sweet.


Yeah, it's a great feeling. Yeah. Yeah. I, um.


I had a guy this is I guess I was in Tennessee yesterday because you live there now. Yeah, I live there, Rasi.


And you love it.


Should we live there too. I'm a different person. I just moving there.


I had no idea I'll give you guys an idea of how kind of wrapped up hot chicken or that hot chicken, but I got to tell you, I tried extra hot and I did something I've never done before.


I, I, I poured a bowl of almond milk and I stuck my asshole on it. It was so hot. I just needed, you know, milk cooled down. I just had almond milk.


So I poured a bowl on your behalf because it was so piping hot with a little wine for anyone.


No, you need a bad day.


I've gone to maybe I wash that. I wanted to see what extra hot was like. It was it was hot on the way down though. To in the mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Too hot. Do you know like, you know, chill those farts that I'm like that that it almost. Yeah.


And it almost feels like you're farting out like a hot razorblade. Yeah. Yeah. That makes it like it was those.


I was talking about this the other day. I've done you know, hot ones. The, the first whiffy Shoshan Evans Hosa with chicken wings. I've done a couple, I've done it a few times. And one thing I was like thinking about the other day that when you're doing the show they give you, you know, increasing levels of heat in the hot sauce on the things. And he asked you questions and it's a brilliant concept. And he's done such a good job with that show.


But after like I was talking to somebody about it, somebody told me they saw me on hot ones. And I go and they asked because they weren't familiar with the show, like, you know, you're making me think about right now. Is that on the show, the effect of the hot sauce is great to watch on camera, someone sweating and they start like fighting. I go, but it's crazy to me that some that hot sauce wasn't made for that show.


The hot sauce exists like the top level ones. And I go, who enjoys that?


Who enjoys the level, you know, the level ten stuff where you're like, you can't breathe. But like someone thinks that that's dressing up their food.


I mean, it's so bad it kills every sensation in your mouth. Yeah. And it's not like this is a little kick. It's like someone lit it in your mouth.


Taste like anything. Right. It's just that that's just pain. You're just in pain. Yeah.


I always thought also with that show, by the way, is that water my. Yeah.


Help yourself please. I think oh I like to have so many because I drink so, so much. Tom doesn't really believe in that.


I, I, I've always thought a great after show would be them bringing a camera to your house the next day.


Yeah. And just maybe talk to you through the door like what's going on in there.


You're right. And you're like let me tell you.


I said I'll say this, it's, I feel like having done that show, it's worse. The eating is worse, even worse than the way out. Really. Really.


Yeah. For the last three hours, how many times have you done the show?


Well, I've done actual hot ones twice and I've done like they have a a companion show that also had involved eating spicy stuff. So I've done like I would do that show I think know it's a blast. Is it?


It's it's fun to do the show. He's the best interviewer in the whole game, I think like he's such a great interviewer, but and it's fun, like to be a part of that whole you know, that that show. What I'm saying is like those last three are so uncomfortable and so hot that I'm like, aside from the like sort of the the part where you're watching somebody freak out. Yeah. Like, this is also a product that's for sale.


Who enjoys this. Yeah. Like it seems like a practical joke product. Exactly. That's my point. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like so many Benjy's.


Do you, do you like those last three. Once you hit a certain level of burn. Yeah. Does it burn more.


So there's this one. I think that's always like seven or eight called the bomb and I, I've told them I was like, I feel like it's, it's seven or eight but I feel like it's worse than number ten because the first one that goes from like it feels like a four to like a ten, you're like, oh my God, what's killing sensation like. Like what is it? See, I didn't realize how brilliant the concept was because what what ends up happening is that you're so taken out of your like.


You're so taken out of being in the moment of of conversation that you're you become extremely vulnerable. It's like it's like you were given a drug or something. And so that's what what ends up happening is I ask you a question and that moment you're the answer is going to be like either like super honest or because you're not you're not putting your filters on because you're like you're like, I can't, I can't.


It's like, you know, tell me who who's the most annoying person in your life? And you're like, my fucking son. He's Hidatsa. Like, you're not you're not thinking in terms of like, oh, I'll process this thought.


I'll I'll come up with something witty. It's it's automatic because you're dealing with being so uncomfortable, you know, like a truth serum. It's like a truth serum. And that's that's the brilliance of that of doing that to people.


What is one thing you said on there that you were like, I can't believe I actually said that something that I asked them to cut out.


Oh, really? Yeah. So he cut. That was just like I can't believe I just said that out loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That what I asked them, I only asked them one one time. Everything else I've, I've, I've kept in there. I mean. Yeah it gets you so uncomfortable. And here's the thing. Nothing you really put out that fire. You know, there's when you're out and you have something kind of spicy at a restaurant.


You know, water, milk or whatever, when you hit that that real fire level in this thing, I mean, you're sweating, you can't put out that heat. You know, you just you actually want it to be over so you can do anything, work bread or milk or anything like that?


Not really. No, not really. I mean, it sounds like fun.


You know, I did this. I want to do that show. I do.


I think I actually think I do want to do it.


It's so fun. It's so I mean, I'm telling you that moment's also passing. You know, it doesn't stay hot in your mouth for 45 minutes then in your bee hole.


It doesn't it doesn't hurt as bad. Oh, no, it doesn't. It really does. Taco's come Toto hurt like a motherfucker on the way out the next day.


Is it worse than your tacos countertop. Shit. I by the way, your chicken shit.


Let's, let's rank your hot dumps.


I'm if you're trying to remember what it was, I remember that like the chicken.


I remember that like immediately after I was like oh my stomach feels fucked up. Yeah. Yeah I'm eating. But not the tacos. No the tacos were like they feel good but they're not good on the way out.


Yeah. That was, that was actually much more food. So that was like a lot of food.


We were eating like whole, like multiple tacos. The chicken. There's ten wings. Yeah. And you don't have to like clean you know some people do but they're small, they're small wings. So you can take a bite with the hot sauce and your and like I said, the first six don't don't aren't like really fucking you.


OK, so like I need clear I need an answer. So Yianna, was it the chicken or the taco?


The talk of the taco dumps were much more substantive in volume.


There was just there was more so much more to talk.


Yeah, that's the thing is that even the spiciest chicken. But you have one bite of it, right. OK, it doesn't it doesn't wreck you on that.


So he should force you to eat the entire chicken wing. I think that should be there.


Well, I did that for the fans. I, I know they respect it. So I would clean my wings. But some people, some people would do many bites and then throw out.


I would probably do it anyway. I think I'd go all the way.


You've got to go. I'm also like your little guy. You're skinny. I mean I shape.


But I mean, he can eat. I can eat one of those people. Dump's are.


Yes. So I did something to myself. I didn't I accidentally I haven't had beef because I just don't sleep well like I'm at that age where I get meat sweats from. Really. Yeah man. I'm like you know, I get old man meat sweats. I'm like, I'm not doing red meat anymore. Mm hmm. But the other night I ordered some wanton soup and I drank the broth and I was like, oh no, I think that's beef broth because it tasted so good.


Yeah, let me tell you what, because I haven't had beef and probably got to go three years. Damn. Really, what came out of me was like so much that salad or.


No, no. Do you, do you know when you know when you when it's not solid but it still comes out of the water because it's that much. Yeah. Like you made like a pot so much of a pile.


Yeah. Yeah, yeah.


That that was like, it was to the point where my wife you know when your wife is like Yeah ok. Yeah. One of those. Not every time.


Yeah. Yeah she is. Browns are on godly men are they.


Are they always bad no matter what. They sound bad all the time. Are you, do you put in public if you have to. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way like a year and a half ago I started, I took a picture I'm going to put on a plane but no, no, I used to like be like, you know.


Yeah, no matter what now now I'll board and I'm like, oh, I'm going to shit, uh, in about 15 minutes.


No, it's I mean, it sucks.


I don't I don't want to do it, but I've accepted that, like, you don't sit in the airport sometimes. But I don't I can't like sometimes the timing just isn't right, you know. Yeah. So I mean, I should on a flight, uh, three or four days ago. Yeah. And it was a small regional flight.


Oh. I walked out. Everyone's like, no, I just took a dump. Huh.


Yeah. Like yeah. Have you ever been on a plane where the captain had to say, whoever's in the bathroom, you got to come out now? We're landed.


I was on a plane where a guy was in the bathroom as we were on the approach. And they were like, sir, sir, sir. And I and I had a seat near the bathroom and they were knocking, knocking. And he opened the door and it was an older Asian man. And they're like, you need to sit down. And he I put together that this man doesn't speak English. So they're like, sit down and he starts going back in the bathroom.


They're like, no, not in there. You need to sit in your seat. And so they're grabbing him. He's old. He was in his, like, seventies. You. And there they go, you need to sit and put on your seatbelt and he would come out and then he would back into the bathroom again, and then they they finally get them out and they're like, sit down. And he just stands in the aisle and they're like, shouting.


And I'm like, don't you understand that?


He doesn't understand you like that. Doesn't matter if you yell at him. Yeah.


And they finally like someone like shut them into a seat and they're like, put your seatbelt on. And he was just like, why go back in the back? Like he thought they might go to the bathroom again.


Yeah, he thought he was doing a good job and came and knocked on the door. Are you doing a good job in there? He could. It was. It was, yeah. And I've also had a toilet on a smaller plane, a toilet malfunction. And they were like there's like 40 minutes left on this flight and the toilet is not working.


So, yeah, I used to tour with Larry the cable guy and by the way, a fantastic guy. Everybody says one of the most generous, likable dudes. Dan Dan Whitney. Yeah, one of the nicest guys. But, you know, and we used to fly private. And so I know what makes me fart. So any time before flight, I would always the night before load up on, like, dried apricots, dried. I forgot to hide.


Oh, because he he because I would just torture him. Yeah. And there was one point. Where I was, he got he was starting to get and he doesn't get mad and he doesn't he doesn't swear, he'd be like, God damn it, Josh, one time the pirates bust open the door and they were there again.


For your thoughts, I would fire. Yes, I know. He was like, man, you have got to stop farting on the plane. I'm like, I just can't.


You're a horrible person. It's so much fun that's come near the word.


There is little apricot farts are so dried apricot far. I know.


I know because I love them and I don't eat them for that reason. My wife won't let me buy them if I bring them in the house. Forget it. She's in the trash.


And my favorite are the Trader Joe's Trader Joe's and they're very sour. I love the traders joking.


I love not put an accent on Trader Joe's, but not Toto Tota tacos come out well because I say it like an Angelina.


Yeah, taxes come Toto try to raise the trade. That's how my parents trade theirs, Joe. That's why they fucked up the.


Are we doing talks. Oh no. I was going to say um I want you hoping for talks. You uh but you told us before we you are loving Nashville.


Oh my God, I, I feel like a different person. This is what I going to tell you. I hit almost peak covid clarity. You said I hit peak mantic. I'm being honest with you guys, I hit Peak Mantic right around the last time I was supposed to be on this show. This town started to drive me into comparing my life and my career to everybody around me and thinking that. Well, I'm not. Why aren't I in this group, how come they're not let me in this group?


How come I'm not how come they're not the almost like. Like, why me, why not me, instead of looking and going, this is actually pretty good. I don't need to be around comparing myself to other people and but this town put me on the wheel every day. Yeah. And there was a point where I was I got to get I got to get myself in check and remember what's important and what I can't do that here in this town.


I just I just couldn't do it. I could not as much as I tried. I could not this could not stop me from getting up in the morning and going, what don't I have? Right. And that is so unhealthy. And so I like I was telling you guys, I my voice is different on stage now. It it's not there's not that tension. I'm not I don't need to project. I have a microphone. Do you know what I mean.


Yeah. Like you're more, you're more at peace. Grounded. Yeah. Centered happy. I don't care as much. I'll go days without hopping on and post it on social media and I like I enjoy my friends more now. Mm hmm. Because I'm not constantly thinking about something else, what I haven't done that day, what I didn't get, what I need to do tomorrow, I'm not constantly talking about the business. It's just living. Yeah.


Do you know when you look at your friends from high school and you're like they just look like they're living their life?


Yeah, yeah. Just like having fun. Right. That's more what we're doing. And that's what kind of life I mean, should be in a way. Right. Because I think if you look people that like are not in entertainment that, you know, like, like high school friends. Yeah. You're like, oh yeah. That's, that's life like it's what my kid did today. This is where, you know, we're having fun. We went to this park and you're like, oh, it's not always like who sold a show and yeah.


All of that stuff, which is not important. Right. And which the rest of the country, by the way. Now I kind of know why they look at the people in our business sometimes the way they do, because they're like, get over yourselves. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Let's get the fuck. Oh, we're actually out here living our real lives. Yes. And so it paints a much clearer picture. Man, I like myself.


So much more. Yeah, that's great. I like it's hard to sometimes and I was thinking about this in the plane ride over and I didn't want to be the dude honestly crying by myself in my seat. But I was like, I had so much anxiety coming back here because I'm like, oh, you've you should have left. You knew you should have left five years ago. Right? You knew you should have left five years ago. And the peace and first of all, covid save my marriage.


Gornstein, save my marriage and neither one of us knew this, but, you know, I was traveling 42 weeks a year, 44 weeks. She's Whoa.


And we had just started to think that was normal. And when I came back, when I came back overcover those first couple of weeks was like a vacation and we like we're together. And then after that we were like, oh, is this you or is this you? Like, we had learned to live our lives so separately. That about a month and I was like, we were apart, we weren't married, we were living apart, and she was like, Yeah, and I had started to think about life without you because life was without you.


And to be able to reconnect and realize that's not how people are supposed to live if you're in a you know what I mean. Sure. It's not how it's supposed to go down, so. The quarantine did a lot for me personally, too, like I have apologized to a lot of people. That they didn't know they were going to apologize for that. I'm like, yes, I do, because it wasn't like I was going to do it afterwards.


But I needed to apologize to you guys. Why? Because of the way I feel like the like the last time I was supposed to be on this show. I had started again, gotten a little manic and I started to take everything personally. And we're all living our lives. You're good people. We're not making decisions personally. We're making this is just what we do. Do you know what I mean? And nothing should be done. And so.


I had started to make myself a victim, all this shit, just because I was like, why not me? Why not me? Why not maybe. And when you're like that and when you're desperate, nothing comes to you, right? Nobody wants to be around that. Nobody wants to sit in front of you and talk with that energy or. And so even if my career shits the bed from here on out, I'm so happy I left because I'm happy.


To who I am now, I don't I was not happy before. That's great. That's huge. It's. That's great. I, I think honestly, like I was we did a show in Nashville and a guy there who seen me a bunch of times every time I come through, he was like, you're so different this time. I go, What do you mean? He was like, you're so calm on stage. You're so just present.


Yeah, you're not pacing, you're not you're just standing or sitting or what is it? I just feel. Like myself, that's so that's everything. Yeah. And I think you have a good point, because this business, it isn't just about being a performer.


There is a business side to all of this. And it's so easy to get wrapped up in, like, yeah, why don't I have that and so and so and dedicated it to be and all that.


Do the baby takes the joy out of why you got into this, you know, just to make fart jokes and like. Yeah. And watch a person take a shit on a windshield and and like that that goofy person is the one who became a comic. Yeah. And that's the business and fun. Yeah. Not this stupid shit that makes it unfunny. Very good move you made.


Yeah. I'm so happy for you. Good. I appreciate that.


And I made a rule from here on out. I just want to do things that are fun that I enjoy. Yes. That I enjoy doing. Yeah.


I'll tell you, like us doing these Miami live shows and I'm so glad for the Pandi to quote Santino is because now that tastes like anything, it tastes like tuna.


I had a tuna salad before. Yeah. Deserves to know. Yeah.


Are you as do you feel like you react to her burps the same way she reacts to yours or are you more accepting.


Thought provoking. Are you more accepting she more accepting of your burps than you are of hers.


I have more performative burps. Yeah. And honestly just more power. I'd say stronger. I give him the burp cat.


You seem to draw yours out a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He likes I celebrate them. I really do well and most body functions he goes like this, he goes oh he loves to sneeze. Yeah. Well you go to. Yeah I play it.


I'm gonna understand. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah I felt good.


Thom's burbs are twofold. He goes mm. You suck it in and then I and I like that. Yeah. I wish it's my it's the one body function. Yeah. I don't think I do well with burps. I'm a great sneezer. I think as far as farts I'm in the one percent. Oh well I, I think I'm in the one percent I can make him but I can also I've good asshole control so I can draw him out.


Yeah. You know, make it sound like a car this trying to start. Oh my God.


We got this uh it's exciting this guy. It is like a mystery to anybody who goes by gas master. This guy does this look on this screen right here. TROL this guy. Well, that's what I expected to look like. Now, my to start stopped like three seconds before, but that's three seconds, that's like my that's me too.


Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well you're on that, right? Yeah.


Tarion, I am like 90 percent v.. That's why maybe so I'll eat meat like once every other day. Yeah. Have you ever seen my mom fart.


Oh I see. That's my mom. I cannot tell you at the best about that she was so happy with herself. Yes, she was.


So for a moment, she because here's the thing. She stayed still.


She sat in the moment. My mom is not a stance. She's a walk walker. Yeah, that's a different breed for different types of fathers out there.


She's she's definitely.


Yeah, she that was I was so she was so happy with yourself and you ruined it. Yeah. Yeah. You really want to do magic is that I had my phone in my hand and press recorded at that very moment.


I'll tell you that that part was long enough where even if you didn't you could have gone into your.


I know. Gotten Taylor. Yeah, I think so. Wow. That was great. I wish she had had her glasses on for the phone.


We have an update from one of our, like, kind of big finds on the show. Yeah, but in order to put it in context, I need you to see who he is. First of all, we play the update before we go.


I wanted to show you this is. Looking for a white lady that's tattoo and dominant and be willing to put me in a dress and beat the shit out of me. Call me from this monster in Fremont again, you stupid bitch look stupid, can't you dress it up?


He's the best. Yeah, 22. I like him so much slack, so I just wanted him to pan down. Oh, man.


Oh, come on. Give me the whole here. He's put out a number of videos like we also see the guy, the cop.


You dance for you.


Boom, boom, boom. He's got a toddler body with you. Dude, you can sing and dance.


I mean, this dude is multitalented. He's about a sissy, a free man. So here is the update. No, but he already is this year. Fremont. Here he is.


Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Abe, does any white bitch out there, you got to be white because I don't like any other color because I'm white. I'm a Gemini sissy with little itty bitty two, which. Yeah. Just let me know when you're all that you know where I am. But you give me no play with you. No. Let's get back to you. We can make it, you know, and we can come over to my Uncle Ted.


It's in the middle of Fremont Shithole.


You can give me a nice hand job. I'm like itty bitty two inch in a type.


I get beer, one pack of smokes connected. Hey, give me a holler.


You're the kind of thankfulness. Everybody just wants the same thing, you know. Yeah. Everybody's just looking for love right now. Yeah.


That's a nice trade off, you stupid bitch. Yeah. You stupid white pitch. Give me a hand. Yeah, I'll get you a beer and maybe I'll make that broccoli.


I think there was a time in college I may have taken up on that. Yeah. For a free beer and smokes.


I loved smoking, especially if all you have to do is tug on a two inch big deal.


I mean, I mean isn't even a nice guy and this dude doesn't seem like he's he's lasted for too long. It doesn't seem like a 30 minute handjob now.


All right, guys. So thrilled to have human in affection.


Isn't your reach far enough over here on your mom house where you can find somebody for him to give you a job? You basically just gave him a free commercial, I guess. I mean, isn't there anybody listening who's willing to go in and do the work and report back?


I got to say, though, normally, men, what we try to do when we want sexual favors, we try to make it as appealing as possible. Yeah, I mean, I would give him notes like maybe don't say you can come to my shithole apartment, you know, like most ladies are like, how's the apartment?


Is it nice? And you're like, no, no, it fucking sucks. Yeah.


But like Tom who is giving him a hand job.


I know. Yeah. That's the thing. I don't think she's like, but what is your apartment look like. Like I don't think.


But hold on. Is this part of a fetish that we're not. Sorry Joel is going to speak right now. Go ahead, Joel.


You can't become who you were created to be always depending on somebody else. You don't need that crutch. Start encouraging yourself. God, it's like halfway through the day your life's strong and the Lord, something good is going to happen to me. God being for me is more than the world being against me. Some of the things.


That's what you should say when he's jerking off. I am for the Lord to fall into place.


That's not going to contextual. God kept doing everything for us. We wouldn't see the abundance all around. Oh man. You may wonder why certain things seem more difficult with raising your children. It's not as easy as life and work.


It's OK. I have a question. You have to be a free man one more. He's not going to get hard till I'm ready to come.


Yeah, right. I have a question about this.


Is he a free man? The first video, he's looking for someone to beat him up. Yeah, the second video. He's looking for a handjob, but not he didn't mention getting beat up. Right. So what are we going for?


The thing is, he's very inconsistent because like that first video, he's he first petition's playing the submissive. Yes. Want I want a woman to beat the shit to me. And then he switches in the same video and goes, you dumb white bitch, which is a dominant thing. Yeah. So it is kind of confusing. His message is not. Yeah, yeah. There might be drugs or.


Yeah, yeah. Or you think this is not mentally ill.


I don't know, I don't know. Perfectly normal.


I, I, I think I see a Fremont Street. Yeah. He's famous.


Do you think that if we went to Fremont Street and we were like do you know what they say they would be like if you ask if you asked ten times.


To be like, I don't think it's a good looking. Are you going to give a handjob, sir? Yeah, yeah.


I got to tell you, I would go and watch I would watch this guy do anything.


Yeah, he's riveting. I would 100 percent watch. I would pay a dumb white bitch to go do it.


That's what I'm saying. Isn't your reach law big enough where you can get somebody over there?


I think I'm going, you know, this goddamn covid, I'm supposed to tour San Francisco and but I mean, it's not going to be for a while, but I kind of get this through the ticket.


I don't think he could put together going, oh, if I'm like, hey, the tickets at will call. I don't think he'd be like, I know how that works.


You got to will call. I just want to see him get fucking dressed. I mean, I'm dying to know what this dude's wardrobe is because we haven't seen any of it.


Now, hold on, though. I'm trying to trying to put things together. So he's like, come to come give me a handjob in my shithole and just give you a beer.


And he smokes. Well, it's a good offer.


Is it? Is the depravity, the hook, do you know what I'm saying? Like, is some girl out there grimy enough to be like, yeah, dog, I want to get dirty? Is that the idea? I think it's one of two things.


I think there are people that would do that because of that grimy, but I think there's also people like us who are like now trial. I'll go over there for that just because it's going to be funny. Free smoke. Yeah, I mean, there's there's a group of people like if there was a the female version of this and they were like, come over for the laugh in the story. If I'm not married, you can do it. Yeah.


Yeah. I mean, because it's give me a great story and all I'm all my way over. I'd just be saying, well, this is going to be my new closer. Yeah. I mean I'm going to get the who's got that story. This nobody. The sissy, a free man for free.


What are you gonna say. Smile. Are you doing any more dates before the year.


I'm actually in Omaha this weekend. Oh, I think the shows are sold out.


Good. And I'm got I think if I got anything else coming up, I got New Year's in Cincinnati. Nice, wonderful New Year's in Cincinnati. Good for you.


You doing the funny bone in Omaha? Yes. Say, what's up to calling is the absolute shouts out to Colleen. The Abilene.


At the time I was touring with my dog FIFO, who's no longer with us. She found a dog psychic to read FIFO because I had mentioned that fief had anxiety, separation anxiety. Is that the sweetest thing?


I mean, what woman does that the biggest racket in the world is dog.


How dare you feel so much better after the biggest Rahab? I mean, so if you were like, man, I don't know what to do for a living. I know, my dear. I'm a I'm on.


You know, Josh, it's real. Yeah. Yeah. And we're told me it was all real. Like did he did she touch the dog.


Like how did the women at lunch and fief sat on my lap.


Yeah. And the lady looks so crazy.


I had the same reaction five here and the lady looked at Phuket very well.


Colleen suggested it and I was like, what can it hurt?


This is a difference between what can it hurt broads and guys, though?


If someone said to me, Do you want somebody? I want somebody to read your I'll be like, no, I don't fucking.


What do you want to know what she said. Yeah, OK. So she looked at people deep into his eyes and she said you were abused and he was like, well like he said one for no. One for yes. Two for, you know.


And she goes, she goes, I see a hairy guy who masturbates in front of you a lot. Shut up.


And people was scarred by watching you masturbate, do you masturbating from the don't know what I can finish really came in the face?


No. God, it's horrible woman.


I like to see that's where your line. Come on. Don't fuck no, I love you, though. He was my best man. Was the best dog. Rest in peace. Sweet fief. He was right here. That's him with six tits.


Why does he have six? There is. Someone I love. 16 people.


Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. He was the greatest. Um, we had to shelter.


Boy I got. We just got a dog. We got him over quarantine and he came with nuts. Oh that's special.


And they're not supposed to know but my wife didn't. She was like, don't want you to cut him. She loved him. She was like, they're so cute. She kept saying, how come he's not they're better looking than yours. I'm like, are we? Because they're perfectly round.


Yeah. They're so cute on little doggies. Yeah. And I've got a couple of years on them, you know, they're not going to look great when he's sick. And I really hang me.


I do. Yeah. I got a little swing. Yeah.


Your ears are going to be so low now but I don't have naturally like like I don't have especially low big hangar's like. But you're damn sure fear does has big long.


It's a Jew thing Diaz has. You know how long I've seen Joey's nuts.


I mean did you think there's something going on when you first saw them? The first time I saw was in the 90s in Seattle. And he brought them on on stage. And I was like, are those guys OK? Yeah. I was like, are those your nuts?


And somebody else is nuts. Like, are you carrying two sets of nuts in their cheese? They even at that time, they were, they, they were it's like twenty five years ago.


Crazy. But I remember, you know, when I met him he was 215 pounds. Wow. He wore a three piece suit on stage. He wore.


Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I started with him and Browdy. Yeah. I just thought about him this morning when I woke up Christina. I was there the night he walked off stage and you know, nobody bombed like Brody. Yeah. And even back then and he walked up to me, he goes, Steve Brody isn't funny. And I go, Yeah, you're funny. He goes, No, you know, it's funny.


And I said, Who? He goes, Brody Stevens. And I said, Who's that? And he said, You'll see. And he came back the next day as the person you know.


Wow, wow. It was the craziest thing.


Meaning like he didn't do like the drum stuff. Like he just one day became Brody and he started doing he was Steven Brody.


So I yeah, he till the day I always called him Steve. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's how I knew him. But he changed his name and his persona. Yeah. In a night. And I was like, wow. Yeah. This is a genius or insane. Yeah.


A little bit of both. Yeah. Yeah it takes a little bit. All right.


We got to run our closing song. Where Where's the Bodies Garth by Bart Simpson. And Debris, where should people would you like to send people most to see you and find your stuff.


You know, for tour dates is comedian Josh Wolf Dotcom. But I'm at Josh Wolf comedy on all Sociales. And like, if you go to my Facebook fan page, I do two live streams every week, one on Monday night, which is tonight. I do something called the High Life, where I smoke weed and take mushrooms and turn on my camera. I just just do really weird shit.


I drop it's a bizarre show. And then on Tuesday nights I do. It's like a comedy game show. Cyclers been on there a bunch of times. It's called Controlled Chaos. It's just weird fun. Half an hour of ridiculous both on my Facebook fan, page nine. Perfect. All right.


So nice to see you. Thank you for coming in. I'm happy you're happy, too. Great. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, I appreciate it. All right. Thank you for sending debris.


Here is the jam. Garth Brooks, kidnap, terror, possible mass kidnapping, maybe here, new pastor Garth Brooks kidnapped Harry Truman.


You mean to say, I think to invented the pill where the bodies have given us a blessing in disguise. Notre Dame is lucky to be alive. So to show out overnight and to help from a psychologist. All right. That's all right. I like that. And I guess you're right. What did I say? What did I say? Don't interrupt your studio. You don't even know who they want me to be fucking with me. And everybody wanted to be standing up me with everything under the sun.


Foshay, can you believe this? Garth Brooks was kidnapped. I'm scared. I really like the kidnap hero. Terrifying Garth Brooks kidnap would appear to be Garth Brooks kidnapped right here in the conversation. Something like. I'm just going to be looking for you. I'm done. Happy birthday to me. But you realize that you're in 36 years if you've been on my work. By phone, if you still coming, for the record, is called on Michael Weiss of Blue Collar and Red States.


You know, renegade. Kidnap. You look like you're gonna throw a kidnap victim here, too.


I am. Hi, Mommy. Thanks, Jeanne. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here, so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks, Jeanne.