Hi, Mommies and Shamos and my above 18, this episode was recorded a few weeks ago before we had an incident where my husband was playing basketball against Bert Krischer and well, you'll hear the whole story eventually.
But basically, he's in the hospital right now. He's doing OK. He is recovering. But this episode was recorded a while back.
So you'll notice we don't address the fact that Tommy is in the hospital. OK, enjoy it and we'll see you soon, Tom.
You had a really neat idea for the waiting room. Yes.
What if there was a lady they hired to rub your genitals over your pants in waiting rooms like the dentist's office?
Yeah. So when you're waiting, you just.
And she's old. OK, she's really old, but she knows how to do it.
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The shit for two hundred twenty five dollars off your next Saiva mattress. Thank. What's up there, Thomas? Welcome to another episode of your mom's house podcast. She's Christine IPE, Tom Sagrera. You are in. You made it. You're here. Just it. You're just it. I want to make you feel like you're the only one. You're the only one for me. Viewer Tom Eastnor.
I tell you that I went to I was at the spa, I got a massage and the lady had a hard time pronouncing SEGRA when she said Satsang.
People get overwhelmed sometimes by the collection of letters.
It's silly thoughts, I know, but they say I think they see like B, G and then there's A you and they're like, there's something foreign going on here. Yeah, I run sometimes on the phone once I'm on the phone and I think it's a pretty easy last name, but lady was like, uh, hi, Mr. uh. And she goes, Mr.. Like that, I was like, um, I guess the girl she goes to out, she was like, you know, I'm just going to say, Mr.
Tom, I was like, I didn't think it was, you know, but it happens. Yours is much more intimidating.
That's why I changed it to just one letter, because it is intimidating.
And I understand why people can't buy jet ski possessed as it why.
That's what I did when I when I knew I loved you, when I learned this.
And you can spell my last name and we were really friends like, oh yeah, no, no, no. And we're really like, yeah, I like what I, you know, like, uh, comedy club will spell your last name wrong. You're like you couldn't like, verify that. It's just a Google search.
That's it. And they're like, we're busy. Yeah.
Or they use the headshot. That's 15 years old from when we first started in comedy. And then they think you did it.
People be like Christina. Really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Hadchiti like that.
Uh, we know you're not that young. You're like, I didn't send that in. I know love is so lazy. They just fucking typed my name and the picture.
I knew a comedian, a female comedian who had headshots taken of herself when she was like way young, skinny and like in a bikini. And that was her headshot for comedy clubs for the longest time. And then, you know, she turned thirty eight forty. Yeah. And it was still up and the club owner would get mad at her, like, you need to show up looking like this girl in the headshot.
I'm sorry, I'm not as hot.
You show me that you like me, uh show that you're like that's that's the only see when you're not hot you don't have to worry about not being hot anymore.
I've never had this worried.
That's so true. When you that are so hot you have to like just ride that.
Oh it's terrible I imagine. Yeah. When you're a model that sucks because you age out of modeling at like thirty. That's it. That's retirement age. Oh thirty. Yeah.
They're already like you're a vet. You know, it's good having you around. Like what. I'm done. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.
I think it's good to be just good looking enough. I feel as though you and I are at that level where you're just attractive enough that people aren't repulsed by your presence mostly.
But you're not. I'm sure I do it.
It's not your whole existence. Yeah. Your looks like people aren't always noting your. How great.
I know. I kind of I mean, I know this sounds silly, but I even sometimes will go, oh, I think it's it's kind of a curse for these. Like, really, you see somebody and they're so good.
Look, we had this did you say you're like, dude? And then you realize, well, that's all. Anybody that, like, thinks when they see like this person is like a genetic free marvel. Yeah, they're a marvel.
And then basically the people who I think engage that person don't ever care like the person thinks or says or encourages it or anything. They're just like, look at you. I know. And so those people usually respond the best to people that don't acknowledge their love.
It's so true. We were having lunch the other day, do you remember?
And that gorgeous family walked in and there was this this man and I was just tall as can be chiseled features beautiful skin.
And I just turn to Tom and I go, this guy is like beyond even desirable, like he is a cardboard cutout.
Dachis Yeah. And the wife and the children are just so gorgeous and perfect. I don't even want to fuck this guy because he's to appreciate that. Perfect.
Yeah, you know what I mean. Give me a little flaw. Yeah. Just like let me see. Yeah. A little weird sweatpants. I just see the outline of your dog and it's a little too big.
Oh. Do you think his is a little to me.
Yeah. Yeah. Um I, you know it was a laugh. He was not where he was not wearing sweatpants.
I wish he would have a problem with how would you know. It's too big then because I just imagine because he's very big man too. He's just it OK.
Are we done talking about him when he was at the Erawan and he's with his children, his wife.
No, I know that that's why that nagging thing work, because I have gone up dirty word, awful woman before and then like, what's up you fucking dog.
Oh my God.
You know, that's true. Yeah. You did not. You say that I have. What's up, you fucking dog? Yeah.
Because she was like, oh my God. Yeah. Because it was so outrageous to say to her, like, you couldn't say you can't say that to anybody now unless they are so perfect looking.
Yeah. That it becomes a joke.
There was this comedian I, I toured with in the Middle East, Chris. I remember his last name now. Yeah. And he was so funny at the time. I was much thinner than I am now. And he's like, look at you, Anna Nicole. Yeah.
Like he was like, I'm like, am I that fat is like, oh, he barely fit on the boat. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, you're kidding. That's a good. A good line, but it was really funny. Yeah, yeah, it's funny you can only say that to really good looking people, you know.
Well, yeah, but just like I'll walk, I've walked up to, like, UFC fighters and be like, I'll fuck you up right now.
And they laugh because it's the only if you say that to me like a normal person, they'll be like, Oh dude, are you trying to fight me, you know? Yeah. You say to somebody, they can kick your ass.
I agree that the pressure of being hot and then maintaining your. Because I follow Paulina Porizkova on Instagram. Yeah. And she's doing this thing which I understand the motivation behind and it seems noble where she's like, this is me. When I wake up in the morning with no makeup on, I'm, you know, fifty whatever years old.
Look at my I love my hair and it's like, well, if you really weren't if it weren't such a problem for you, you probably wouldn't make a big deal out of it. She was with the guy from the the cars and who disowned her essentially. That was awesome. Yeah. He divorced her. Yeah.
No, she left him and then will in the well he left her nothing he was like. And because you abandoned me you get nothing. Ric Ocasek. That's right. That's how you say it. I don't know how to say his last name. Ric Ocasek. Yeah. Yeah. They were together for so many years, had two children together. And also what I found is that if a model makes a child with just like an unattractive rock star, their offspring is not as pretty as like two to mildly attractive people.
Sure. Oh, she made a public debut, good one before. With the guy, yeah, so let's see who it is. Oh, you know, I want to talk about dude. Jeff Bezos, you mentioned that, oh, she's 54, so you mentioned that Jeff Bezos second wife. Yeah. Is 50. Yes, she's 50.
And I was like, that's so rad. Is that his second wife? That's his it's his slam piece. No, no, no. It's who he divorced, um, his, you know, his long time wife for who he's got. He's like in a relationship with this other lady now.
But I'm so impressed that he went for a 50 year old lady.
But she's quite she's a banker put together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Let's see.
Oh, you know, another fun one that I've done, like the joke to somebody like I met a couple of people in wheelchairs after after shows. Yeah. And I'll be like, they'll say something. I'll be like, hey man, if you if you're trying to I want you to stand up.
You're going to talk to me and I'll be like, OK, I'll cancel or I'll I'll challenge him to a race, you know, like you want to race.
It's fun, you know, they can't run. It's a fun show.
That's fun. Can you make this collina? I mean, she's gorgeous still. This guy, he's an older guy.
Like freaks. Yeah. And he kid, I don't know who this is, but I like him. He looks like he has money. He looks like, yeah, you know, what's funny is like a wealthy guy.
I said to him, like, you know, those linage walking down the street barefoot are thousand dollar painting shoes. So strange. Yeah. In my case, I guess screenwriter Ed Solomon is a screenwriter. All right.
He looks like Larry David a little. When and the attire. Oh yeah. He's a little more blessed in the face, though, I would say sure, and he's got a lot of hair. Sheesh.
Yeah, he's so happy to be there. So happy. He's just like used me as a toilet. Yeah, yeah, she still looks great. Use me as a toilet. I'm sure it's what he's saying, you think he wants her to pee on his face?
Of course, every guy does what every guy does. They see Pauline. They go, I put your pee, their urine.
Yes, it is sterile. You can drink it and everybody wants it.
Paulina's she's so gorgeous. I remember out like back in the day in the 80s, 90s. She was so gorgeous. Yes.
Look, she's changed incredibly well. And you think, oh yeah, that's genetics Pomi. But you don't want to be that attractive. I argue that it's too much, too much because I need the pressure to maintain it.
That's the thing. Only the ones where it's really natural, like where they really are.
I mean, she's genetically. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, go back.
Not just their genetics are just wild. Oh. I mean, you know the other one who didn't age at all. I think I've said it before.
Christy Turlington, Christy Turlington. I remember Christy Turlington like being a kid and it's like all these years later it's genetic. But if you look at her now, she looks exactly like her hayday. Yeah, her prime stunning crying out loud, I mean. Yeah, she doesn't look right now, though, I mean, it's wild, and Cindy Crawford, too, and her kids actually really cute. Well, no, he got a face tattoo, but before that.
Oh, my God, he was modeling for, like, Gucci or some shit.
I mean, she's stunning.
Yeah, of course. No, they're like they are freaks or freaks. But, you know, everybody's beautiful now, right?
That's one thing I love.
Everybody's beautiful, especially the modeling lane. So people like my model. And you're like, do you do you not?
What are you model for the fucking vet?
Because you don't look like the vacuum model. You know, I agree. And I look, Instagram model is legit and you can make a lot of money. Sure. But unless a company hires you, that's the thing.
If you post a picture that someone took a picture like someone's like. Yeah. I mean that everybody is a model, you know.
Yeah, I'm into modeling. Are you are you, uh, uh, six feet tall.
Are you five, six. I think your modeling career is over. Like let's be realistic here.
I know especially, you know, the really the models that really pissed me off, marginally attractive models like you have no clear like real gifts. You know, like you're like, OK, you have a somewhat symmetrical face. You're not fucking model. No, get out.
But now you can't say that now you have to say that everybody's beautiful and you can be weird looking.
And I mean, I don't mind like all these people are interested in places like this is like this is interesting to look at. It's not this is not what I'm talking.
I'm talking about people who are you would not you would be like, yeah, that person is attractive, but like the audacity of you to be like I'm a model.
Think because you're marginally attractive.
You know, I know you're talking about in L.A., it's like the L.A. seven. Yeah, exactly. You're like you're in L.A. You're still good for L.A., right.
Like I'm not going to spit on you if it's a blind date and you show up.
Right. Let's not act like you're a fucking Ted.
You're not in L.A. or in New York. Ten. I'm gonna go even bigger because I would say I would argue that New York City has even more.
The women are like there's the fashion industry is there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
L.A. We've got people that are like personal trainers who also are very attractive, but they're not exactly.
A lot of personal trainers sweat themselves. You know why they got the bod. That's that's what's in the face.
Now you go you got a great body. You should pray a little more. Yeah.
Maybe the man upstairs was blessed with a gift that's so truly I went to high school with a girl who claimed she was a model, too.
Yeah, but the face was like Bell's palsy. Or is this your face every day? I know because you're a fucking basset hound. Oh, goodness. Do you know how to.
Yeah, I know you're talking. I mean, no, but she saw her face was like a six. The body was like an eight or nine. And those are amazing. And but you don't have it.
It's not it's not a model. It's not a model. And I remember back then they made they're called Z cards and they have like your shots. And I would like to be the person to judge their portfolio, too.
And you just go like, look at your body, look at your body. Don't you just wish you had a different face?
Look at this great body. Too bad you still have the face.
Well, because I'll tell you even. OK, philosophy. Right. They discuss what is what is beauty and symmetry is beauty aesthetics. Right. When you look at somebody's face, they say that symmetry is what creates beauty and that's just a genetic throw of the dice, dude.
So to say that, you know, everybody is a everyone is going have to deal with this, it's like, no, dude, there are some people born who are especially born and the era before plastic surgery, you look at a bitch like Farrah Fawcett or Sophia Loren.
Oh, yeah. I'm saying that Brigitte Bardot, these women were stunning. Even Sean Connery, who just passed away recently. That's natural, right? Bra that's untouched.
OK, right. This is real. This bitch was born looking gorgeous. Yeah, it's true.
That's this is the same you see the same parallel in athletics, actually. You know, you remember when Krista Stefano was here and you said, yes, Chrissy went to like that basketball camp and Jim Boeheim was like got a division one shot and a D3 body.
It's like it's just what it it it just it is what it it. Oh, like I know, like like I was, you know, I couldn't play D1 football. I wish I could and I have it. I don't have the. Yeah. The physique. I don't have the body. And then you see that in sports all the time. You see it if you watch like Hard Knocks, the HBO show, we're like these guys are like top tier college players and they go to the NFL and they're just like, you just don't have it.
It's so true.
You don't you're you're like. You don't have great lateral movement in your hips. It's just not nothing you can do and you can do, but that's you know, life is competitive. Life is about finding what you're good at. There's so much shit I can't do. You cannot play an instrument. I can't move. Well, I can't do math.
I can't I can barely do anything I barely can do. I can do this. This. Yeah, I can talk. I can do this. Sitting down.
That's I, I have such a small skill set.
Yeah. So incredibly narrow. Let's open the show. Everyone does. Oh yeah. We fucking suck at this to get something light and fun to get us started already.
Oh no we go oh oh three oh oh oh time.
Who is Randy.
Don't bring anyone's mother in and it's the first dance welcome will go to your mom's house. She and Christina.
I will go to your mom's house and crown land clearing and I went out and I watch my grandma and grandpa and grandma and grandpa all around me.
Oh wow. Josh Potter.
I got a really good favorite thing. Really good. I love it.
And check out the Roach Motel, the Roach Motel studio jeans. Check out where my supposed Tuesdays. It comes out here on the Your Mom's House podcast channel at six a.m. and please rate review and subscribe on iTunes.
Um, let's make Josh a show, a big yes and also two bears, one cave every Monday, six a.m. and where my mom's at on Monday mornings drops.
There you go. There you, Dr. Drew, after dark, of course, every Friday.
FREDI Friday's 6:00 a.m. We do the early release now on all the channels, early release.
So you guys have something to listen to early in the day? Yeah, it's better. You know, it's better that way. Better to have early in the day.
Oh, cool. Yeah. Tom, um, you had a really neat idea for the waiting room. Yes. Yes. So this is what happened laying in bed and you came over. You're being affectionate. You start kind of like giving me the over the pants.
You're really going to share all this? I didn't know we were going to get that far. I thought you were just going to share that thing. I didn't know. We're going to do the genesis of the idea Genesis.
I was like this and I was like, yeah, that feels nice. And then I had a great idea.
What if there was a lady they hired to rub your genitals over your pants in waiting rooms like the dentist's office. Yeah.
So when you're waiting you just and she's old, OK, she's really old but she knows how to do it.
Now that's interesting. Is that why do you choose the old. Because this way there's no like overly sexualising. Like if she's like a young hottie then it's like, oh no, no, no, it's an old lady. You don't want her to touch you. But the thing is, she's a rub master.
So she rub it and you're like, oh, and you're kind of grossed out by her. But then you're like, well, you're really good at this.
And she's like, wow, I've been doing this for fifty years.
And you're like, oh, wait, what's her accent?
You know, I mean she about fifty years, she's no teeth, she's missing a few.
And so what happens is I kind of you don't come in the pants, you don't come in your pants.
What happens is it gives you just a nice sensation. And then you're like, oh, I feel more relaxed.
And then she's like, are you ready to see the dentist? And you go, Yeah. And then you sit in the dentist. He starts drilling your teeth and you're like, Can I get that old lady in here again? And he's like, Sure.
So he goes, Mahila.
And she comes in and then she rubs your leg.
I'm a little more through your pants like it's not even. Well, it's funny.
I see this as not sexual. Oddly enough, it just it relaxed. It's like a nice sedative. Yeah. It's soothing. It's soothing.
I would want my lady or man, you know, it's the same lady and she knows how to finger and rub.
Why I don't want her to finger me. Know what she does. Nice like outside. Right.
That's what I want outside ribs and but I want her to be soothing in Latin because I feel Latins are much nicer. I want her. They miss Christina, thank you for. Yeah, coming to the doctor today, rub the outside of your cunt and you're like, oh my gosh, she wouldn't say no, I know.
Well, she would. And then you. Correct. Or you're like, that's a little kid.
You just say, like, my kitty cat or my meow. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, I sorry.
English hard. Right? And then she just all she does is she just rubs the outside a little and you're like ha ha ha.
Because it is relaxing. It's like a nice sensation. Yeah. Yeah. Well yeah I would just want it as a relaxing it's like oh and she does know. Here's, here's how it goes. Your Tenzer in the doctor's office, you're waiting for blood work or whatever and she starts with a scalp massage. There you go. And then your neck and your shoulders, your arms like they do at the manicure salon. And then the final closer is a genital rub.
But it's not it's not like it's not to completion, like you said. Right. You're not getting worked up. Yeah. You're just that would be cool on Shark Tank.
Oh, hey, sharks, we're here.
No, it's hot. Hey, sharks. You guys look tense.
You know, relax. And an old lady comes out of the back and she's like, oh, yeah, where are we? We bring her in a lot, OK? And like, this is called just relax.
And we we brought these old ladies from over the pond and they're mostly gypsies. They don't speak English, but it's the one thing they're good.
It's helping you relax with their patented three approach technique.
Great. What do you like to try.
Yeah. Yeah. Daymond, you look like you could use a genital.
Roundhay just lay back and close your eyes. OK, Mark Cuban, you look extra tense and they come over the old ladies like he's like, hey, what are you doing?
Hey, you see, relax, stop being a fucking asshole.
OK, Barbara, I was like, wow, my clam feels real relaxed right now. We're like, yeah, that's. Do you want to give us fifty million dollars for three percent of our company?
Oh my God. Never make a deal on Shark Tank because they they're always like we will. We want half your company and we'll give you five hundred dollars like ever.
But you can tell when they really like an idea, when they start bidding, when they really don't like that. I like that part. Texas rare.
You know, it's rare and I like when Mark Cuban goes, my daughter likes dogs so I like it like he always like what he brings up his daughter and what she likes and stuff.
You know, he has more money than all the other sharks combined. Really.
Is it because of owning the teams and such? I mean, he's just you know, he's very like very wealthy.
Yeah, I think he's a Polish Novotny's. Yeah. Four point two billion U.S. dollars. That's got a lot of money.
That's not, uh, I think the I think the other people on the show are wealthy. They're just not billionaires. How much is Barbro worth?
I don't know. I'm a fan of Bab's. I like the both the women and Laurie.
Um, I like Barbara because she's such a hard ass. You know, Laurie is nicer, but Barbara is like a hundred million wholely.
Yeah. Look at her. She looks great to. She would not rub your genitals. No, no. Barbara would be president 100 million daily. You could combine them, take it away from work, and he'd be like, that's right, yeah. I'm still good. Yeah, they still need their genitals rubbed. They still do. And that's why. Are you out? Well, they were a little late. Stop touching this guy. He's out.
Heyman's out. That's fine, Barbara. Well, I'm just not sure.
I don't see women wanting to buy this product. Oh, really? Hmm.
Check this out. Turn over and get on all fours.
I can sell this at the checkout line at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Exactly. And we can even do an anal relax. Oh, my gosh.
Wouldn't that be the best to have these genital massagers in, like, the bank line?
Why don't we use the Trader Joe's like seniors who look like they want to feel valued?
You know, they do. They want to be and they want to feel important. And you're like, you know what? You've been touching people's genitals for 60 years.
Once you touch money and you just want to like the best, the station fuck of your life is from a guy who's in his 80s right now. You are so weird, you know? I mean, like we're like, no, I'm saying you're in line. This guy is like, you're very beautiful, really.
My queen of 18. Oh, my. Like, OK. And then he just starts kissing you and I'm like, how are you so good at this. He's like, I've been doing it 60 years, you know, I don't like it.
He goes, Oh, stop.
See, the problem is, is that I am so unattractive to people older than me. Yeah. Or younger than me that I wouldn't even put on a blindfold, put on a blindfold. But I still feel his body let hell do his thing.
He is isn't hell dead. Yeah, of course.
I used to know how he's definitely done. No he died back then. Yeah. Yeah. He had a stroke.
He was our old landlord in the ghetto when we lived in the Rampart Division. Yeah. And you would always be like, why don't you give him a handjob? Why don't you go out? I'm like, how is almost. And then one time it was raining and leaking into the apartment.
And I called Hal because the smoke alarm was going off because the guy had high ceilings that we could reach it and the smoke alarm was going off. I was gone. Yeah, you told me that. So he comes up and he goes well and he puts the ladder and he goes, you do it.
He tells you because he's old shit. Yeah. No, no. He goes, OK, here's the ladder. And he goes, here's some pliers I want you to cut.
But he's standing there watching you standing there at the base of the ladder and he gives me the pliers. He goes now go up the ladder and just cut the wire. It'll stop the sound. And I go, all right, cool man. And I go up and I cut the wire and it's like it sparks and I almost fly off a ladder.
And he's like, well, he's this isn't working again. And then a few days later he goes, Sorry about that. I had a few before I came over that day. Yeah.
He said I had a liquid lunch, if that's right. Yeah, I remember that. I almost died.
I took a six or down before I came up here and I was a little loopy. A little off.
Yeah. I like how he could have killed me. He's like, You're not dead, are you? Well, lesson learned, guys. If, uh, if your electric thing is wet, don't use pliers to cut the wires when it's wet or maybe dry.
I don't know. I'm not very efficient, very insightful. Thank you for sharing. You got it.
I almost died. Yeah. Very, very exciting stuff.
Now, why don't you just blow. Hell yeah. And then we had another landlord who was always eat whatever I was cooking. I was baking spanakopita from Fojas. Oh, yes, that's my favorite, and then you want one and then she would eat half the tray of our spanakopita. I remember that. And we were broke. I didn't have money for no more spending.
We get we get the trader Joe treats you warm up in the oven or the microwave. And she was like, what's this about you?
When she's like, she likes seven.
I was like, OK, how old, say, her husband, Jose?
Yes, he had a big donkey dick.
He goes he goes, golfball used to beg you to beg. He asked me with the cowboys to beg and I go, What's that goes Sabeg? And I go, I don't know what that is. It is. Yeah you do. I go, no I don't.
Yeah. He goes to beg you put suits in it. I go, oh oh a bag for suits. I go yeah.
It's just that your you know your enunciation is not. He was there were East Coasters. Yeah. He was so big. Yeah. Some big jeans. Did you know that.
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Head to Headspace dot com slash mom today. Fuck off right now. This lady was not always my body, it was not always my pockets, motherfucker. This was real life. The thing is right here, man. Silver, a silver lining. Do not take off the motherfucking paper. And this popped up on a fucking lighter. What the fuck?
He's got a point. Nobody likes orange, you know. You know what he's upset about? They're selling lighters with rapping on it that you can just peel off. So he's like, it's just it it's just like a rapper misrepresented.
OK, you mistake it for me, man. Look, they told me to dance with this big light. So when I got home, people saw it coming off. So I took out the papers. What the fuck? It's awesome today cheating you out, out your money. Yo, they cheated you out of money. You know, hard times for everybody.
You know, with everything going on, I would have an orange leiterman. I can hate it. Let me tell you, orange is my least favorite color. I do like it in certain cars.
Seriously, like Lamborghini is nice orange body. I think. I think there's like there's certain Porsches. I think that look hot. You're orange wack. I think you're colorblind bruh.
Am I still would you rather have an orange or yellow or orange. J.Y.. I think Orange and I look here, though, not a Playboy one, whites, this is a playboy a lot of. No, it's not a playboy. It is a block watch where I say, look, this motherfucker off what us now with your teeth.
I always tell the kids now with your teeth, it's a black fucking light.
You see this shit? This is not the real life man. Playboy is not a playboy already. It's a black fucking life.
He's over the shit canceled. Everybody has canceled one thing to go after. And in twenty, twenty one, you know, pick your own agenda. But maybe it's letting the big company know. Let them know guys.
Either you know what to do, be honest about these wrapping's or stop making lighter's.
I mean this is a moral problem. Misrepresenting the colors of lighters. Yep.
A lot of people have different issues. I mean, racist. This guy has an issue with our boy Joe.
No. Yeah. Let me inform you something, if Joe Rogan is that fucking good and in his podcast, then why has he got me on it? Joe Rogan. You can't. You got what you can handle is a bunch of bullshit people like you on the West, motherfucking pussy on the West, that rip got off all that money you made on Jesus as he owes it to the children of the world to give it back any money made on God.
Yep. You're Castellan first with Moses's plague's of truth. And there and I hope to God your wife cut your dick off on the west. You understand your son bitch will never get on out there. They they banned my shit bigger than anything you can imagine. How many fucking violations do I have? You ain't got no Joe Rogan. You ain't in my book because you ain't talk to me. I gave you my phone number many times. Get a whole.
Should we tell Joe to beef up his security? No, but I will text this to Joe later. I got your next guest.
Could you imagine this guy actually getting on Joe's podcast?
I got some shit, man, just being a lunatic. Love it. I would love it. I will. I'll tell. I'll tell Joe that I did give this guy his number.
Give Caia. Give him Joe's personal cell number. Yeah. The guy seems very Keanu West, you know, he's like, yeah, yeah.
Keanu, Kanye West.
Uh, I can try like Kyon.
Yeah. Everybody knows that guy's name on a quest.
Don't pretend Lliana Westenra he's stupid is. Hey come on bro. You're never go to trial west stupidity.
Um still so many years ago we were introduced to this style of training video and it has been a while and it has intensified to a degree that you are not ready for. What I'm talking about is bald cock and ball trauma training. Yes, that's my favorite. Here we go.
Feeling like a space. Oh, fuck. Oh, Rick to the bob.
Get it? Oh, oh, oh, oh, fuck. God damn it! Oh no. Oh, boy.
One oh oh oh. How is he? How are these guys OK? I don't know.
My question is, what are they training for? Is is there an Olympics? I'm unaware of it just to be a better athlete. Oh, Mike, why why are you doing this? I want to send this to my urologist.
That's my favorite, the CEX. Is this like North Korea's propaganda film?
I don't know. Yeah. The strongest nation. Where's that from? This is amazing, you know, native, no, we you know, no, God damn pretty great.
I don't know, though, if this is going to get men to enroll in the program, in the training program, like, get your nuts kicked. These are full kicks, bricks, punches, a fucking tree log just like rammed into it. And the guys are like, no emotion. Yeah, when are you going to start your tour, the Shalon and the Wu Tang could be dangerous. That's why they are so lethal, Tom. Oh my God.
These guys are real deal.
You've seen these guys. They, you know, punch the one inch punch and punch right through wood and stuff. Man, this real shit, these monks can do it.
And if there's one thing I've learned from you. Yeah. Over all these years. Yeah. I know now when a woman isn't wearing a supportive bra, yeah, I noticed that all the time.
Yes, I see it and I go, that woman's not wearing a supportive for you because you pointed out to me so often. I do, because it's like she's wearing the wrong bra to tell me that it's an easy problem to remedy. You just have to go to Nordstrom's. So they're nice. They measure you, the woman brings you the bra and fits you.
And then your whole life, your whole life changes your back. Pain goes away.
Yes. So changes your outfit.
You think that this lady is wearing the wrong bra that way?
Oh, hell no. Oh, well, both her hands are so low.
Oh, my God. I mean, they're so big too. So big milkers. My nana had milkers that big. Really? Oh yeah. I'm going to have big ones like that. If you don't like that, you better look out. That's what I'm going to have a big ol hang it. It's like fucking I do. That's what happens. They get they get hangi and lo wow those are so huge.
Now does that feel good you think to let them hang like that does not feel good. That's why I'm so adamant about a properly fitting bra. Because you got it. You got to hold them up. It hurts. They swing around. You don't want that shit man. Yeah.
That can't feel good. Do you think there's a point though that you get to this that like your tits get so big, you're like fuck bras, right?
It's the same point where you're like, I don't care if men find me attractive. Oh, right. Right. I don't care if I cut my hair. It's like when guys start wearing the Velcro straps. Oh, forget it.
Any TV shows, whatever they're called, TV divas, boat shoes.
Whenever you see a guy and I'm like, oh, that guy doesn't fuck, doesn't fuck, he doesn't care anymore, doesn't care.
Birkenstocks are also the official footwear of right there. I don't fuck I don't feel disgusting. I don't like chicks, I don't like the way they smell and I don't like touching them.
Oh that's right there. Look at the cross legged. But do you want to never have an orgasm again.
Mean if you really don't want to fucking idiots get the the tribal pattern.
I saw a lady in Birkenstocks at the grocery store and she had net socks on the front of her feet. I missed this. Fuck are the. What do you mean next.
They were they they were I looked down and I was like, what is that on? And they were like net like see through but only covering like the front half of a foot. I don't understand that. I mean, I'd never seen anything like they were see through, but like that's the thing that they were saying.
May I tell you what makes me want to vomit the most about Birkenstocks? Is that over time. The foot makes a black imprint. Yeah, in the BRK, yeah, Google dirty Birkenstock, please. Yeah, it's true.
And I mean, can you like the material? Is there to be.
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean what is that smell. Well look at this chick right here. Yeah, she's cute, she shouldn't be wearing that right, but look at the look, you make that bigger. Mm. Hmm. Oh, she made a video of it. Hey, look how look how dirty this shit is. Yeah, I mean, what are you her feet smell like high. I got dirty. Oh, is she going to say how to clean them?
She better. That's what it's about. Right. Uh, so look here. So then as she's showing them. What are she doing? I mean, can't they find a way to make those Birkenstocks not get black on the bottom there is so nasty. So this.
Now, OK, now she's pointing to how dark they are. Does she actually remedy that? No. She's just like, so anyway, I made him super dark. That's the Vulcan video. See how dirty these are?
They're still dirty by it. Smell my hair. Yeah.
Yeah. Like that one. There you can see the one below. Yeah. You see, like that's they look like it just looks like filthy filth, sweat, foot, sweat.
It's not like it is sweat and it has to be that the material. Is a big Zormat, yeah, and it's leather, your oils and everything. Leave a mark on it and that is it. Leather.
Yeah, that's why they're actually like quality shoes. And I understand that they're comfortable.
It is weird that, like, I can see that and immediately go like, oh, that person's not a sexually viable person. Right?
Don't don't you feel your penis shrinking? Yeah.
Like if a woman walks up and doesn't like she plays softball. Like really. That's my first thing she likes.
It makes my pussy dry as does a boat shoes. We talked about this. I wear my mom's out a while ago. What do they called top boat shoes.
I mean does anything say loafers, dickless like boat shoes? I don't have a dick. I mean, look at that. Yeah. Without socks and then like some gay shorts.
Oh my God. I mean, that look alone is like I don't fuck.
I don't have pubic hair. Yeah. Oh my.
That's so God that is so gay. Yeah. I don't like that.
That what makes on the smell those.
Imagine those definitely smells. Yes. Those come off and you're like who.
Oh my God. Yeah. OK, can I tell you another look that just I don't even understand how men do this. Maybe it's because I'm a west coaster. But when a man wears a polo shirt.
And then he ties the sweater around his neck and then my like my daddy my daddy put the sweater on me, made it into a nice not around my neck.
Yeah. It's like very yuppie. Yeah. There. Yeah. There it is.
It's like that's it. It's the Ted what's that guy that played all the villains and like the Revenge of the Nerds movies. Ted McKnight. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that's the universal look of I'm a douche bag article that says why do people buy sweaters like that's an actual article.
Yeah. Right. Is that.
Yeah, because either you're just it's like the official look of the douche bag.
It's such a I know it's bad asshole does. Yeah. It's an asshole. Look. Yeah. It's like if you want to be an asshole for Halloween, that's how you would dress.
Yeah. It really is. It's such I don't know why it immediately means that, but it does I think because of the eight there.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's referring to. Yeah. This is from Revenge of the Nerds.
It's preppies preps. Yeah. That's what it is. It's preposterous.
And immediately like if you're a guy and you see a guy walk up to you like that, you're like this guy's a fucking dick like.
Right. It would take right away. There's there's Alfonzo Ribe.
Yeah. Yeah. And it's not he might not be. That's the thing he might not like but he looks like he is.
Yeah. It's, it's like the male keran. Yeah. It signifies duche. Yeah exactly. He's like you know what it is. It's a guy that complaint he's a he's a male. Yeah exactly. Yeah. He's the guy who's like oh there's a snowboarder.
This is skiing mountain.
Right. That the Chadds is out there. He's a total Chadds and Tad's. Yeah.
He's the guy who's like who looks at you and he's like zip up, huh.
OK, I guess it's casual out here today and you're like, OK, dude.
All right. Kalki with you. Yeah. Yeah. Boat shoes. Get the fuck out of here. Boat shoes. Look at it here, man. Fuck out of here, man.
This book about shoes. So funny.
OK, this is a video tape captured inside a van like a bus in Asia and there are some wild turns on it. The driver clearly is used to driving this and is taking turns way too fast. I mean, way too fast. And they are screaming like this and he.
Yeah, no one dies. Yeah. But the panic you can tell is genuine. He's going way to do this when you're in other countries. I think also he does this path, you know, every day. Yeah. So he's like I don't slow.
I don't it. Not so fast. What? Oh. I mean, he should be going. Wait, wait. Oh. Scream, scream of FBI.
What's wrong with you today? So the. Brian. Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know who's exactly like those passengers?
My mom my mom is a fucking panic person. Yeah. One time we went on a cruise and we got off on the cruise in somewhere in the Caribbean and somebody was like, oh, do you want to go on whatever. See something this beautiful, let's say waterfall. So, you know, we gave the driver it was like 100 bucks and they put you in a private, small minivan. And they're going up a hill and it starts to get windy and she starts screaming, we were all like, no.
And she was like, and she lays down and she's like, no. Was like it was a narrow, shitty road.
And we had to turn around. And having such a panic attack, I don't think she would remember. This is like, why didn't we go to D.R one time? And there was like one road through the whole fucking village or whatever, and the guy was like, hey, don't know.
And they don't care. And they he says, is this how you feel when I drive?
Well, no, you're not a fast, like, reckless driver. I just worry that, like, you're not seeing things, you know. This morning, we drove Eugenicist, I drove today because he had a messy brown chillun and he was holding on to the strap, you know, it's a wild ride.
Well, because your show do a show like pull up to a light and she's like getting ready to turn right. I'm like, hey, there's two people here across the street.
She goes, Oh, I know, I know. And I'm like, OK, well, you just kind of like look like you're about to go. And she's like, I see them, but it just yeah, it kind of freaks me out that I've I've been I'm very safe driver.
I've been driving since I was 16. I'm 44. What's the math on that? Chris Larson. You that in your head, please. It's 44 minus 16. How many years is that.
It's thirty eight. Thirty eight years driving. No that's it's five fifty seven years driving. Yeah. And I've never, I've never had anybody. I've never had an accident ever. Fault. Nope. I've been rear ended twice in all these years and I've never had an accident so I got clean record knock on wood. Wow. Yeah. So you don't have to worry. Awesome, but I do feel like you want to scream like that, I want to scream like that.
I just I'm like I just don't want to be in an accident right now with you being like where that guy comes from.
I never have said that. I see all you know what I'm like? I'm like Jason Bourne. You know, when they go into the diner and he's like, I see that exit.
That's the one I'm going to get out. That's how you drive him.
And I see everything. I'm like a fucking FBI, KGB.
Do you notice anything about this? I'm going to I mean, I just want to know if you notice anything.
What they doing, they're they're touching the glass dick. I still don't feel like I touched the deal, though.
Thank you. I was like, I'll stay at the base and touch that. Is this in Russia or like Ukraine? Yes, yes, so this is a teacher of the year contestants in Russia. Oh, we're paid to rub a phallic crystal trophy during a bizarre ceremony. Um, this is tradition and the event, which is sponsored by a leading international oil companies for contenders to touch the annual trophy before the winner is announced. But this year, these specially cut object had an ambiguous shape.
And it's not ambiguous to me. It looks like a big Glascock. Yeah, yeah. It looks delicious with wings on it to. You could tell who was like thought it was funny and wanted to be like. We'll touch the outside of it. Yeah, OK, well, up the head, yeah, give it a good one. Come on, don't be uptight, girl. So nasty like you all.
Don't gobble it. God, bitch, I wish we had that here. I want a statue, uh, Glasscock statue. Good luck. You rub it before you come on the show. What about our bushes?
I thought we were going to do some, which is when we move.
Oh, we will try to. I kind of want to see currently. Yeah, I think be really funny if I want to do it. I push the car, points to the like to the front door. Like, here's the door. You know, her fountains.
I want fountains. The deck fountains. Yeah.
They go off if they're found with dicks on it and they just shoot all day. It's like I keep going uh you know, a fountain show. Yeah. Yeah I would do it.
Let's see. Yeah. Do that's a dick fountain. This would be fucking amazing.
Those are yeah, I like that one at Temple Fountain Penis Water, so it looks like it's like a normal thing, but they're largely phallic symbols everywhere.
If you look at Biden's flag, the flag, the three letters that are supposed to be E are clearly say Tenwick flags.
I like when he goes the two streaks of blood and the three streaks of blood.
Two times three. Six, six, six. You're like you're on top of it, dude, you just got this guy, you just got you just get it. This guy just gets it.
I don't know what to tell you. It was just see it just, you know.
Yeah. Uh, goodness.
This is something I've heard. You wonder aloud how many times are you ready? Why can't dogs how how do how do blind people know when they wake up?
Oh, I don't know that I'm awake until the first positive I had every day. And that thought is always fuck.
That's pretty far down. That's a good sense of humor. Yes, it is resilience, resilience, children. Yeah, that's very funny. Well, that is a what does it show me? Me subframe on Tic-Tac Schmoes Supreme. Oh, sweet. Yeah, that's very funny. My first thought is fuck.
I think that's most people's thought this year for sure. But it's also probably why and how come these lights aren't going on.
Oh, Tom. Oh fine. Oh, kay.
Goodness gracious, Tom.
So, um, we modeled we're models. We modeled yesterday.
We are models. I'm a model with two sets of modeling shots.
You know, I can't wait to see how they turn out, especially the pictures of cockroach.
Yes. We forgot the whole team had photos taken just because we haven't had photos taken in a while. So.
Well, interestingly enough, do you know the last time you and I took photos together, I think was in the basement of Sears when we did the famous back to back no married news team.
We had Robin on Swank did our second round. But the very first round of pictures you ever see of Tom and I back to back with her jeans up, we went to Sears. That's, by the way, the photo shoot.
So I went to the meme. You know, there's a mirror, the two of us. Yeah, yeah. A of I was like, hey, when when you've been hunting all weekend and then you want you to do something.
I'm like like that. That was at Sears. Yes, I highly recommend them. We took a few fun photos. They've got all those silly backgrounds and stuff and really reasonably priced good. I don't know if they stole them. That's it. We did that at Sears right there. And that was the clouds and sky back that has been that's gotten the full moon treatment.
So every time I see it to somebody, we'll be like, Do you know you're in this? I'm like, Yeah, yeah, of course. Because it'll be shared in like fishing circles.
Like when you're trying to just fish and she wants you to do something like all these redneck things, you know.
I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you can we play the impression of the girl did of me. Um yeah. So do you, can we bring that up. Sure. Sure.
Yes. It's really good. It's um her name is Charlie.
C h h e l e. This is back in October. This is like she did this in Halloween time. Yes. Um, so this is the, uh. Her impression of you? Yes, speaking of Meems, I thought this was really funny. I did not steal Balaton, the keys were right there on the credenza table, she's got hungry titties, a Tom Tom likes bagels, milk, big slop. That's what I got. It goes Leptis.
You didn't think of me as a woman. Any woman with a fartman cooked up in a me shit. I don't know what to tell you every time you go to shit, shit, shit, shit. I don't know what's happening. No, no, no exact moment. No I don't do panic time.
Yeah. I don't do it.
I don't do it Tom. I don't do it. I don't know. I'm getting Manea with this one. Maybe, maybe a little bit of schizophrenia. Let's see this one for DriveSavers, one for Dr. Drew. I've been in therapy for ten years, but let's leave this one for group. That must be the Eastern Bloc, OK. Oh, OK.
I see now that that was fantastic. Chala Farrier FARC. Archila Very funny. Ticktock. Thank you so much.
You got all your stuff. She got all the stuff I feel seen. I feel heard and valid.
I feel like you've been watching. It was really good. Yeah. Really good. She's cool.
Oh. Was really cool to stay in the casino. That's my jacket. This is, this is Teddy fresh.
This is a yellow jacket.
Um, I feel like uh let's stay in the Christina Lane and go for this.
Uh, I'm afraid Hungarian Amodeo of Santa pulled out off the actual totem pole. Gamasutra immigration being allowed to keep those Serbians out.
It's like we welcome people that cross into our country the right way at the crossing point.
But don't you like those who try to cross illegally may end up in prison easily. Go ahead. Oh yeah.
I like some that you may easily end up in prison means you're going to prison here easily, but that's not a debate.
Oh shit. And this is a video of somebody. Maybe trying to cross. Yeah, dude, this is a real deal. We got a real problem with. Serbians coming in. Here we go. Hey, guys, we found a gypsy shed. Here we go. They go there, find a gypsy. Yeah, they're looking. Many Italians want to cross. Cockroaches of Europe. Not on my watch. Here we go, look how serious they put a lot of money into this for them.
Yeah. It's a million dollar production. I don't think so. Look at them patrolling the border out in the outskirts of Hungary. Here's the gypsy on the motorcycle going somewhere. Here he is. Look at those cool jeans, dude.
You're so eastern black. Those are those are scary. They're going to kill you and throw you behind bars. Yeah, that is real good.
You are legal and you want to get to Germany.
You need to be able to. The shortest journey from Syria is through Croatia. He's telling you avoid us.
Yeah. I do not trust the line human traffickers. Hungary is a bad choice. I shall tell them. I shall tell them is the worst. And that's where he lives.
That's where they are. That's the mayor. Yeah. My city is the worst option for you to come to do now.
That is hilarious. Yeah. Holy shit. We are blatantly, brazenly like don't fuck with us bro. We're basically the Texas of of Europe.
Of Europe. Yeah. Yeah. Don't mess with us bro.
Yeah. That would be like Texas being like you trying to get to Oklahoma. Well shortest route through New Mexico. So even fucking think about coming through here. Don't mess with Texas. Yeah that's that's something man. Yeah. He means it.
We have an update for a few months ago.
So do you remember that we couldn't figure out if what was going on with this person got a serious question.
What do you think about that coronavirus, the coronavirus, another coronavirus, the vibrator?
Yeah, well. This is the it's the new update, right? I pick up and there you go. What happened? Oh, that if you just want a soda, I just want to say how much you love stop and shop, how much you love, stop and shop, how much I love, stop and shop. How much, how much a whole bunch a like from your whole heart you love stop shop. Yeah. And your friends.
Yeah. Yeah. We got to have a barbecue. I'm gonna have a barbecue and we have a barbecue. When, when, when are you free. Barbecue next week at your house. No, no I said when are you free to have a barbecue. When are we going to have fun. Yeah we're we're not going to happen. No. No we're not. When are you free. So we have one that I know. When are you free.
So we have one. When are we going to have. We're not know when are one. Are you free. So we have one. When are you going to know. When are you free. So we can have. I think I understand now. I know. When are you free so we can have one. I understand. When are you free. So we could have one. Where can we have one. Oh my God.
OK, I want you to help one because I like talking to your parents and they can hear you the connection. OK, so she's a local celebrity in Riverside. Oh hey, I've got family there. Yeah. See if they know her. Uh, her name is Julie. Oh, it's my cousins.
And there's the stop and shop that she loves to frequent and people get real excited to see her.
Yeah. I don't blame them. She really is. But it was a face swap and I thought it was everybody that works here.
Yeah, I did too. Or I thought she might be transitioning. Right. She does have facial hair and her body seems a little in between something. But, you know, hey, I don't know, there's a lot of Slim Jims in that fucking place.
Jesus Christ, they're very popular.
She's special. She's really sweet. She seems really sweet. Yeah.
Yeah, it's nice. Nice touch. Touch is nice, nice. Uh oh, m jeans, I love Brooklyn, and I've sent Brooklyn into Nadaf as a gift, as an adult gift. When he turned 30, I was like, do you sleep on your college sheets?
Because a lot of us do. And I sent in Brooklyn in and he loves them. He he's in his little bird's nest. We sleep on Brooklyn and sheets. They're so soft. They come in great colors. They wash well, they're beautiful, nice, clean cotton and I can't rave enough about them. It's Brooklyn and was started by Rich and Vecchi, who also tried to find beautiful home essentials that didn't cost an arm and a leg. And when they couldn't, they found a Brooklyn and which is great.
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I tried to get and we did our photo shoot, I tried to get Drew to pull his dick out and he. Yeah. Why didn't he.
Subsetting was like come on dude. He was like no. And I was like come on. He goes Wait are you serious. And Oh yeah, everybody wants to see it. I mean, imagine if you saw any fans. Oh I do that. Oh fuck.
On camera. It's a really good time.
And then right away he's on the news.
He's like, so here's the thing about this type of addiction, which is like, hey, are you that guy that fucks?
Well, Nadav did get him to do some guns out.
Yes. PIC's. How were those? They're even bigger than you think they are. It's really impressive. Yeah, now my question is, what do we do with that?
There's a lot of Photoshopping that can happen there.
Oh, yeah, I cannot wait. Just send me some files when they come in and, uh, we'll start work on ideas, maybe a billboard or something to.
Yeah. Billboard. Yeah. It's a good idea. Yep, yeah, he's very fit. He's very fit. We have to get his. Oh, yeah, I know we're on a talking on Dr. Drew after dark and he's you know, we're just going back and forth joking. And he's like, you know, so many personal things have come out about, you know, my life on this show. And I'm like, oh, boo hoo, they have a huge hog.
And your wife sucks it. Yeah. Three to five times a week like poor Dr. Drew. Yeah. You're fucking all the time. Yeah. Sounds like a dream.
Well, then we find out he's there's a reason why he's so relaxed, so relaxed, so chill.
You know, everybody you meet is not like him. No.
He's so easy to be around.
I think that's the key to I think everybody who's like really chill. You're like, are you coming a lot?
Like, uh, actually I am. Well, I think so many of the world's problems could be solved by just Gysin. Sure.
When you see, like, those Inso guys and you realize, oh, somebody just was like, I like this guy and he was done with his crazy, my guys were full circle.
This is our Shark Tank idea. I'm just having old ladies that, you know, people's houses and just read their crotches.
Uh uh uh. As a lullaby. What's the reaction from this region? My dad, dad, dad, dad. I think they don't do that in those countries. You don't know what I'm talking about. I do know. No, you don't.
You don't know the history of Nicaragua, but all those poor guys in those countries who can't and girlfriends and get it up and they smell.
No, I didn't say that. It is. They smell it's hot. I didn't say that. I'm just saying that I think those boys would benefit from normal sexual activity. I think it's good for them.
And, you know, that's a good point, is that the the ladies, the old ladies that are sitting there just there's they're just they're they're just, you know, they're they're volunteers, you know? I mean, they're doing this for the Lord's work.
Yeah. Yeah. And so are the old guys and the Reverend Pussies and Dicks.
But they're old.
But the main thing is these old ladies that are that are kind of helping these guys out who are all backed up and don't have any affection, they go and they rub their dicks and they have a slogan, we won't make you come.
But we'll make you hard. That's perfect for Josh Potter. Yeah, yeah, we will make you come, but we'll get you home, but we'll get your hard. Yeah, that's a great idea.
Those are for people who can't afford magic. If you saw an old like a bunch of old ladies together and they have walkers and they all have these shirts on this says we won't make you come, but we'll get you. And like, hey, can I get one right now? OK. And they come over and they do their little red magic.
Oh, my God. Oh, there they are. The name of Decatur is the Detroit Tigers. Right.
There are they. Are I. Oh, what are you doing? I'm going to rub some dicks at the dentist's office.
Oh, uh, you know what? I can.
And then you go, I value my seniors. I take care of them. I want them to work. Yeah. You know what I could also use to and I'm a little jealous of our children is when I wipe their butts. Yeah. And Juju does it as he'll come with me, I kind of wipe you and he'll pretend to wipe my butt. Yeah. I'm like, how nice would I be to have someone to professionally wipe you seniors.
We should do it for seniors should do it too.
They should sit next to the toilets because they're sitting most of the time. Anyway, wait a minute.
This is a great idea. Like, you know, those people that give away candy in the bathroom and they they hand you the towel. Why don't they wipe you two? And then I really want to tip them.
They should do. Listen, seniors should be rubbing dicks, rubbing clits, wiping asses.
Uh, they should be tying our shoes, cleaning our ears, trimming our necks, trimming our necks, because I don't like doing that.
And so often that would be great to have a senior come over.
Oh, clipping your toenails. I only look, I'll lay down.
You're already seated near and then they just. Yeah, they file them down, they clip them and they maybe maybe put a little moisturizer on them.
That would be nice. And shaving my legs.
I would love to have someone do that for me and a senior get my ass waxed. Yeah. Senior opening cans, uh, scene.
I don't have any grip strength. They can't open. Can no one with a can opener. Oh OK. Yeah. Mm hmm.
I like this idea. You ever see that granny porn? No, dude, it is wild. Let's see it. It's like really old ladies.
I've never seen old people fuck actually I've never looked at this. How have I lived on this planet? It's weird for so many.
The, um, the let me see the old lady for some reason, you know, like the old guy ones are like whatever. But you got to find like a real old lady and you're like, what in the fuck, babe? This is going to be us, right, old lady?
I don't like it. And this is how she's able to keep her home.
That's the crazy.
You know, she's not new to this like that. She's rubbing her tits on his balls. Like, that's not like a first scene.
Oh, it's a varsity level. Yeah.
Uh, man, I'd like to find a more fragile one. Oh, my God. You know, she's too sturdy and.
Yeah. Her like old as fuck. Yeah. Like that lady like pretty old. He's going to break her neck with that one. Yeah. Another one.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh look how she looks old man.
But I'm glad that she's with a nice young stallion. That's kind of this chick looks cool right here in the sky. A lot of tats. Yeah. Well yeah. He's going to break her with that thing. Oh Granny. Oh not the grandma she's used to but she's so good at it.
You see how resilient she is. She's like, yeah I fucking know she's not giving a blowjob.
She's getting face fuck. Yeah.
Like but that's a veteran face of course.
I mean she's like, oh yeah. This is what I used to do. Yeah. She knows how to do that. Oh that one's really old. Granny is stuck. Granny is stuck. Grandson's dick. Oh my God. I don't like the grandma on that one. Right now, and that's a big hug. Is there like like a black granny gang bang? Oh, interesting.
You know, the DAV give me black granny game.
Damn, she's not that old.
Now, some of these birds want to see someone on their last name.
You know, I mean, like Walker Old, like the kind of old we're talking about specific. Let me just take out the race. OK. Well, the. That's always a fun oh, that's fine when they're like, what do you mean, funny?
Like when they when they they do like face.
I don't like these things. No, she's like my age. Give me, like, really old, you know.
Oh God. That is so nasty.
Oh, this is good. Leave this up. Oh, look at that haircut. Oh my God. Yeah. She looks like she was in a fire. Do you think she's has grandchildren and you would have to tell her to look away? Yeah, yeah, this is there, but don't face me. No way. This is what all people look like when they do it. Oh, it's disgusting. This is all working. Oh, my God, dude, she's like she fingering is beyond.
No, she's just describing is not. Yeah, she's just like but what is she doing right there? I don't know.
She stopped on edge. She's like, this is the kielbasa. Yeah, she's done this for the fuck is she doing? She oh fuck no, I don't want to see this. It's like she's grimacing or she's like, my arms are breaking you all. This guy is like 40 years. Oh, yeah, that's what you're going to see, Tom. I probably won't even be able to shave my beat look, he can barely be hard, right, because he's like half oh, he just he just spit on it.
Yeah. To look at that.
Oh, dude, he's like, do you have any natural lubricant? No. For the last 15 years, babe, you're going to have to. Do you know the craziest part.
Oh my God. She's like. Is that this guy did this and then they're like, here's two hundred dollars right now, that is likely. But on the upside, she doesn't need birth control. I mean, he could break her.
I know. Oh, no. What old grandma looks bald.
Two oh oh oh. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh fuck. Brose, I don't like this is someone's favorite thing, you know.
It's all old and. Oh shit. Oh, I'm going to throw Chris's jacket off in there. Uh oh.
Nature is savage. OK, I'm going to look this way not too long, Tom. It's pretty exciting.
How old is she? This lady I watch 60s. Stop. That's it. Yeah. Dude, I don't how much longer until I look like this.
I wish there was like always fingering old. I can really just barely hanging on.
OK, I think I've got old or elderly.
What the fuck is she not elderly.
I'm talking about someone who they're like we got to pause and take her fucking blood pressure real quick.
Why don't these people take care of their nana?
Send in a check. I'll take care. You send your nana. Two hundred dollars have to do.
Yeah. Your my fucking day taking care of your nana's. That's exciting. Send the bitch a check.
Oh, I want to know if you're out there. Send us an email. We wanna know know if you're out there and you're like that's my favorite genre. I want to know.
Oh send us look at her looking at stop talking please everybody. So we got sent an email to your mom's podcast at Gmail dot com and the subject line granny porn. And I want to know what about it gets you excited because that's a rough one, I think, to really like if you're like, no, no, no, I really I, I search for that. I want a woman fifty years older than me. Um, I mean, you wouldn't jerk off of that would you know.
But here's one I'm about old guy. Let me old guys. I don't like old. I don't want to see old guys. Here's the thing though. Here's why I think it bums me out. It's not it's not the physical, OK, because. Yes, it's just atrophied and old.
I think for me it's more like that's death. Like I start thinking about my own mortality, of course. So it's hard to get excited when I'm like, that's going to be me pretty soon. Like, I'll be on death's door.
I have a question for you. Yeah.
What's harder to watch the old lady having sex in the porn or the old man having sex and the old lady because I'm I'm I'm putting myself in her because I find it harder to watch the old lady. Not the old man. Yeah, same. No, no, but wait. We're different genders and we both have the same with the woman.
Yeah. Is it because I think I don't like to see her vagina. I don't like to see it spread and all looking. That scares me. And her whole thing is.
Yeah. It's like look at this guy.
That guy's pathetic. Is not the Santa porn. This poor girl.
She's like. I mean, look at the guy, too, he's going to die soon, he's going to die and he's he's probably in his 60s. He's three hundred and twenty five pounds. She's twenty two. Yeah. Is at least a 40 year gap here, you know.
Yeah. Like, he does not deserve any of this.
None of it. Oh my God.
He, he, he can't see it. Where's his dick. In her mouth but he can't see it so tiny it looks like on the side licking a vagina because it's so it'll look at him.
Yeah. I mean, let me ask you, his family just found out about this, by the way, his family is like, what is that group you go to every Thursday? Is he hard? You know, how is he not hard?
Look at his body. It's disgusting. And she's like, yeah, I got six hundred bucks for this. Awesome. Oh, no. I wonder if he performs a lot. Tom, let me ask you this. God, let me ask you that, OK?
Yeah, imagine you're him. Mm hmm. Don't you feel because here's the thing I always does. Wait, wait, go to the end of that, just please. I've been trying to run a scenario. Where does it go? What do you think? Oh, I didn't think they would shoot this. How is he going to do this to her? I don't think they would shoot this.
I mean, he's so fat. Crush her. Yeah, he's going to kill. He's going to walrus her.
He's on top of her with his big titties and big belly and everything. There's no way he can get the camera. Can't capture. She doesn't look super turned on now.
She's like this nightmare. What is she thinking, like six hundred dollars? She's like, I'm going to buy an iPhone six and I'm going to buy an iPhone right after he comes up. Is he going to bargain?
Oh, my God.
The ultimate disrespect I know from the old man. He's like, I didn't know it was coming out.
Sorry, Todd. He's revolting. He's pretty bad, I got to say. Now, I'm suspicious of this man you told him this man. OK, so here's the thing, OK, when I think about. This scenario, don't you feel kind of older men go ahead. No, don't you feel bad as the older he still can't Bogosian her? No. Don't you feel bad for the younger, hotter person? Yes. So I'm just saying to you, let's say, for instance, I'm dead, I'm gone, and you're free in the wild, OK?
And like, yeah. You mean a 20 year old who's into you? Don't you feel on some level? Like revolted at her seeing you naked. Yeah, yeah, like it's not exciting because you'll be like, yeah, but I look like this and you're 20 and you're so much better looking than me naked. Yeah.
And what happens is the girl who if you end up sleeping with that girl, it's only the one who used for me that I probably expressed that to. And it was like, I don't care.
I think you look, you know, I mean, I wouldn't be able to hide my shame. Yeah. I would be like, I want to sit you down and tell you something.
I should be like, what? I go, I'm disgusting. You're going to throw up and she would like no, you know, ends up happening. That girl. Oh my God.
This is the guy. No, this is the guy. What guy? The guy from the PC party. Oh, that's him. Cool. You think so? That's him.
I'm so glad we found him again. You know, remember that.
No, I know the PC party, but I don't think this is the same guy. That's the same guy that's definitely seems locked in. Well, this is an English then.
It might not be. Let's see. This guy has an accent at a minimum. It's definitely him. My face hurts from scowling right now. Yeah. I can't watch this much longer. Good acting. He went, Oh, hey.
Oh, I love the. I'm staying here. Um, who are you? I think what you're seeing here that's Hungarian didn't know that they will come here. Can I stay here one more night? I promise. Yeah.
What was it called? It was called Uncle Somethin's pool party member.
Yeah, like Uncle Charlie. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the Albert uncle up. There you go. That's what it was.
That's what it was. There you go. That's Uncle Albert right there. And I'm so glad he's not old enough. I want to see, like, a real old guy, like a bag of bones, you know, way.
But back to my scenario, I'm dead. You're hooking up with a 20 year old, and she would try to be like, it's OK. You're just I love you. Yeah, but I'm saying that would you even be able to do the sex act and feel good about it?
I probably would.
And then like so this I'm picturing that I'm what in my 60s or 70s or so, I'd be like, no, I'm really gross.
And she was like, no, you're not. And then, you know, she's like blowing me and pissing in my mouth or whatever. And then you're really into pissing today. I'm just like, you know, then what would happen is I would look at myself like, you're so disgusted. Like to myself. Yeah. And then I would out of because I have all guilt wired. Yeah. I would be like, here's a handbag. She's like, what's this for?
I would say, I just thought I liked you. But really I'd be like, it's an apology for looking the way I look.
That's what would happen. Yeah.
Because I was like she be like, you don't give me this. I'm like, no, no, I do. I really I feel like what you did was pretty bad. And I also got your Lexus out front.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think like if your dad and some like, cutie patootie now he's always doing this.
Albert loves his dad. Like, if I could do it and I would apologize to and I'd be like, I've had two children. My body is just. Yeah. The guy's twenty two wrecked. Yeah. If you're fucking a twenty year old kid you're sixty something. It's disgusting. Yeah. Be bad. Yeah. You'd have to give them, you have to be like you know, what do I do. What do we give him. Give him some tennis balls or something.
Tennis ball be like these are new, they're fresh tennis balls.
No I have to bribe him to. Does a twenty year old want like that. He plays a part. Good but like I got you this bag of weed.
Yeah. He'd be like, oh that's fucking awesome. Yeah. Twenty year old boys are like you got eat.
You are again awesome dude. Yeah.
That's what I don't I mean you at twenty you wouldn't, you'd be like I'm his mother, your guys would be more then than the boy.
That's the thing. I'm not sure like what I'm saying in these scenarios.
Most people have thought man that thing most where they go, I can't be with somebody I'm talking about like grown adults. They go, I can't be with somebody younger than my grown, you know, way.
Yeah, but even now, like, I like even these knuckleheads in the booth, you go like you guys are babies. They do seem like, but they're only like twenty, thirty years old and you're like even a thirty year old. Sounds OK.
Like let's see, let's see what this guy looks old man. He looks old. Oh, he's not that old. God damn it. You know, I mean, like someone has trouble getting around and. Guys in into good shape. Wow, God, like you have your homework. Oh, my God, that guy looks bad or grandpa fucks a beautiful teen pussy. OK, let's see. Let's see. Oh my God, he looks like shit, but I don't know how old he is.
I think he just has bad, you know, genetics.
I always think about six fifty, yeah, I always think about the girl in these, like always man, how did she he looks so old. He also has a terrible look, you know, he's not so old, but he's a terrible look to him. Yeah, stupid facial hair. Oh, God, yeah.
The stupid facial and his mouth kissing her leg and his tongue in her mouth. Could you even imagine having to French this pig?
And she you know, she walked out of there like, uh, guys, I know. How do you wash this off? They're like, what is the worst part?
She was like, definitely his tongue in my fucking mouth. She's like, I'd rather eat that guy's ass again than have his tongue in my mouth.
Look at his deep thrusts to take to see him. He's like, this is going to happen again.
Oh, no, not that bad.
He's got his socks on. He's got his socks on like an asshole.
I'm gonna take you. Oh, this poor girl, she's like, maybe I can just push him away.
Well, here we go. Don't try and come in.
Oh, God, yeah, that's a bad that's bad thrusting right there.
Yeah, she's just like she's like it's nice to have a day off. This feels like to her without a guy is going to break me in half. No, man.
But you look, you know, don't these girls have a choice as to what kind of gigs they take?
Yeah, sure. Maybe she's like, this is an easy thing.
And I think it probably would be to shore up a fucking old guy if you're used to fucking stallion's every week and they're like this guys 60, he's going to barely hang in there. You're like, all right. Same rate. Yeah. He's seven dollars, four dollars for and I think all the extra money because it came in me. Oh, OK. All right. Moving on, what a nightmare. Yeah, I got this guy, poor people currently on meth.
How are you doing? Yes, I'm working hard. Three years I've been getting higher and higher and higher over six feet.
And you could tell I'm working off my body somewhere. You are living off my body for days.
I'm not even kidding when we were in school. I should have played this video like this. And they're like, you want to do drugs? And you're like, yes. And they played this.
You were like, oh, what? I really should have. I was on drugs.
Right now I agree. They make the approach to sterile and they try to be like, be honest, only bad kids take drugs. And you're like, sounds fun to me. I know these guys. And you're like, OK. This guy is a fucking mess, his life's over. I'll pass on drugs well, to I mean, it's not like he's just going to sleep this off and be normal in two days.
That looks like irreparable damage. Now, here's the interesting thing. You know, his brains are gone. Gone.
Daddy got this guy going to show you is not on drugs, but can you describe what you're saying? Can sure.
It's a gentleman maybe in a Wal-Mart wearing very tight jeans, granddaddies, and he's got his camera on himself in the mirror and he looks to be pissing in his tight jeans. And he's just pissing and pissing and the spot is getting bigger and bigger and running down his legs, and he seems perfectly happy with himself. He's thrilled with it is into this. And he's got his mustache and he looks cool. They're very tight and they're very like they're the whitewashed look, everybody.
I made a sissy in my pants. Where did we find this one where mommy would be so upset if she was still around? Yeah. And like, he's showing you all the angles of his pissy jeans. God makes me have to go party to. I'm a naughty boy showing you all the angles. Yeah, who's who is this appealing to is there's like a piss gene fetish, obviously, for sure.
Where did you get that? Yeah, read it.
Read it. I get sick. You know how many people are like you did it, Craig.
This is so hot. Thank you for posting this. Craig nailed it today, guys.
Yeah, he went there, he went to fucking Ross and he put on those real tight, whitewashed jeans you got you got you the light colored jeans so that the p dark and white color, if you were dark jeans, you fucking up completely.
So I'm glad I remembered. And then he did all his posing.
No, and I'm surprised all the P went. Nobody walked. There's piss on the other. Yeah. Yeah. There's nobody walking by. I mean he found a nice quiet corner of the store.
There's a security camera in that store for sure. A number of them. That probably later they were like, oh, that's why there's piss on the ground. Yeah, you dick people can slide on there and recorded himself pissing. I can dig. This has been I tell you, I've been avoiding this clip. I've seen it in my bank for weeks and I. Why? I don't know. Here it is. It's just I think it's just weird to me out of.
So we kicked the National Guard and the cops, not this party precinct. So if you got anything better than that, you should have sent it before we got Trenchtown.
And I'm sure the guy's just. Yes, I'm being way more exciting than any occupation of protest. Yeah. What is that? And that is the plant I'm growing out of my leg. This part. What know what.
Yeah, dude, I have a giant abscess down there and I planted these weeds in the abscess and I got a little drip line of blood to keep hemoglobin iron content high in the soil. I'm going to add a little magnesium and zirconium to it later. I know there's the plant, the plant itself. Jesus Christ. You can kind of see he's got so much infrastructure on it. It's kind of hard to see.
This guy planted a plant in an open abscess in his leg. Is has blood drip going into it? It's so intricate.
He's like, this is hemoglobin. How does he know?
Almost the whole side thing I got going on during this occupation right now of the streets is I'm growing a plant out of my leg. I don't know this one, but this has to be New York City. No, I don't think I don't think so.
Dude, this is crazy. This has Pacific Northwest vibes to me.
Oh, yeah, I know. It's pretty weird. It's to me, New York City. Weird. I'm going New York City.
I'm going Pacific Northwest. Huh. It's Seattle.
Oh, you nailed it. Wow.
Yeah. My powers of weirdo perception of what's up Northwest brothers. Yeah. Wow.
Good work, Tom. I'm proud of you. Can I take a piss real quick? Sure. I'm going to burst here. Hold on. And we're back.
And you peed and you wiped.
And you know, it's neat is I had one of those machine gun farts. David, I like those so much when you don't know what's coming in, that's like, OK, that's good.
Um, also, this is one of those videos that's going to haunt me for years to come. There's a few on this show that have always had a special place in my heart, the vegan vagina guy. I just fucking hate him.
Guys like this, by the way, could make me fucking join the NRA like these guys.
Oh, I dunno. I came out. Yeah, I mean, like fucking anarchy, bro. Plants growing out of my leg. I'm like, yeah, no, I don't want to do it.
Yeah. I don't like this guy, I know I don't like his energy. This dude is because it's chaos, like he's out in the streets, growing plants in his leg. He needs help. He needs mental health.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's messed up. Go away. Go away. This is the guy, too, that he's like, you should give me your house. Yeah, it's his philosophy, you know. Yeah, man.
Come on. What's the big deal? It's organic. Tom, why don't you want to eat what's growing out of his leg?
Good bye bye, sir. What if he sold that. Oh, my God.
Look, fuck, man. I could see Fed smoker doing something like this if he had the brain capacity, because this seems like it takes a lot of work.
Do you see the fat smoker video I sent you? I said I found I sent you one and I found another one.
The huge compilation that you found. Yes. Yeah, we'll be we'll be pulling from that over the next few days.
You know what's wild about drugs, too? Because they should just show the fat smoker story to kids.
Is the story very a very like the very video, the video so dramatically. Yeah. If you didn't hear his voice, you'd be like, oh, that's a new guy.
Like, he's like forty pounds heavier and one next one way lighter. The hair full like lion's mane and then buzzed, you know, face everything changes like it's just completely different looks.
Isn't that wild. It's just how you treat your body is how you're going to look. It's so, so crazy dude. Yeah I know.
It's yeah. He's the opposite of a wellness person.
I now. I know when I talked to Tony Gonzalez, you know, like he's forty four, I think, and he's like, you know, I watch like he's like super health conscious and you see it, right? Like, oh, yeah. He's like what he consumes. He watches everything he eats and vitamins and, you know, these mkt or like all the shit that he takes care of. Then the dramatic polar opposite is like Fred Smoker, you know, he's like, brother, what you got to do?
I smoke two, three packs a day. You don't just eat when I can off the floor.
And it's, uh, pretty good. Pretty good. First impression. I know you got to be careful, but then again, you know, there are these Americans.
Oh, my God. There are people who jog every day and do everything right. And they still fucking die early. And they but then there are people then you see vegan's that look terrible to you.
Do I have a relative who hasn't gained a pound since he got married? Um, an uncle like uh forty some years ago. Damn. Just the same waistline. And he's a big runner, real active dude and he couldn't believe that he needed a stent put in, you know.
Wow. Despite being like super thin. Yeah. Yeah man. It's just sheer nice genetic dice. Helmy Genetics are a motherfucker.
Might suck balls. Yeah. I'm going to be dead soon. Don't say that next week. But like. You know, how long do I have, like, I think I think you have a good. I think you have a good 30 years left with me. Oh, that's plenty. Not too much even.
Yeah, don't even think about that. Like, what are we going to do in 30 years?
We're going to be done talking, that's for sure. For sure. I mean, I'm going to see you and be like I already know what you're thinking. I know. Yeah.
Because I feel I mean, look, we've we just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary. Yeah. We've been together for 16 years. Right. Total. Mm hmm.
And I do feel like I know you pretty well. I mean, there are there are deep, dark rage issues inside of you that I don't think I'll ever understand like that. I don't feel like I totally know, you know, you know you because you how do you really know somebody. But I know your mannerisms. I know what you like. I know your habits. That side, I don't know as well the darkness, I know you pretty well, too, really, of course, tell my mannerisms like when I'm upset.
When I say happy.
Yeah, I sense you, too. It's all sense.
It becomes second nature. I can I know if I go. Hey, babe. The response whether to ask you the next thing you know, you could be in another room and if you're if you're like, oh, you could just say one word and I'll just turn around and be like, yeah, just let her know for sure, because that's what marriages are between marriages.
Yeah. You know, it's funny. It's not it's not so much about what you say. It's about what you don't say. I think the more you're married to somebody, at least what I found with us, it's like just accepting that other person and being like, I'm not even going to. Yeah. Why am I going to say, you know what it is? It's like you, I think, a mature marriage if you been with someone.
You also just go, oh, this is a moment right now that they need space or they they're frustrated or yeah, they're overwhelmed or she's like, you automatically register it. I just go, like, Bubba, I see you. You say something. I'll be like in my head. I'll be like, she's tired. Same way, honestly, like the same way you do with your own kids. Right. They're tired. And if I if I'm in a good place, then I can process that.
Go. She's tired. Yeah. And then I'll be like, you know what? All these things I was going to ask, I was going to do them, you know. I mean, you go like I'll just do them. Yes. And then your spouse leaves and later on you're like, you're tired, huh? And then you're like, how do you know? I put it together pretty quickly.
Yes, that's true, and sometimes insisting that you figure out about your like, yeah, I know we leave here on like a podcast day, you're done, cooked, you're done, cooked, and I don't fight that.
Don't want to talk. I don't want to do anything. I want to go home. I want to I need an hour to decompress and then I'll come down and deal with you guys in the kids.
And I actually I'm like, I'm ready to do stuff now. Oh, is that right? Of course you're charged up.
I leave your fired up phone calls, emails. I'm going I work out when I get home. Oh, my God.
It's the complete opposite at this show.
And like performing and podcasting, it takes my soul from me. So when I'm done, I feel like my soul is just gone.
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I think this is a good moment to tell the audience. Oh my announcement. Go ahead. Uh, I'm happy to announce right here right now that in twenty twenty four I'll be running for president, but don't laugh at me.
No, I'm fully behind you, Tom.
Who's your who's your VP? That's going to be a long time down the line. Most of the things that I'm going to do. Well, who's your VP? I'd like to be your V.P.. Well, I have to interview you have to vet you. The fuck are you talking about?
Well, you have to talk to some people in my camp. You know, you can't just get the VP nomination that you have to put yourself. You have to tell me, like some of your background.
We're team. Yeah, we're a team. Well, I know, but I can't I can't just hand it to you like that. Yes, you can.
It's called nepotism. It happens all the time. That's what happens, bro. Look at what Trumpy did as a whole. Family works for him.
Well, I'm running for president and my platform is Critch rubs for everyone, know it's everything. Everyone gets their own personal person. Everything is cheese on it.
That's the whole grain. Everything has cheese.
And that's good automatically. No extra charge, no extra charge for extra cheese. And that's my platform.
And and no new taxes, no more taxes, extra cheese is free, toilet paper free because everybody in city get every winter will get fresh socks that you can pull up.
And they fit nice and they keep you warm. And we're going to kick some minorities out of the country. But, of course.
Well, I saw your face change, you now want to vote for me anymore. I think I'm on the fence now. Better be on the right side of that fence. Well, guess what? You're on the first boat out to my boat. As long as it's a boat. No, of course not.
Tom, as president. Yes. Well, you make public masturbation legal, finally. Absolutely.
Yeah, 100 percent. And I rest my case. Chris Wallace. Yeah, I have two minutes. I only need 10 seconds. Yes. You can jerk off wherever you want is America. OK, well, stand back and be like try to argue with that, yeah, good idea. Third degree murder is now legal. Oh, third, that means like it wasn't premeditated.
I agree. Wow. Yeah, I like that idea.
Tom, I'm behind you and you can graffiti things if it looks cool. That's a good point. You want to graffiti something, does it look badass? Here's the thing. The punishment is severe if it's shitty artwork. If yeah, I like that idea, graffiti, something, and it looks like it's lame, you get a 25 year prison sentence. I like that.
Yeah, we should, um, make you bring out your best. You know, we should definitely give out free birth control. It should just be like, oh, like dispensers. Yeah.
Like you said, those old ladies, we the old crotch rubbers, they're everywhere. Like, you can't you can't get away from them.
Everyone's hard work, though. All right, make America great. Yeah, everyone's taking off, but oh, and, you know, it's a good idea is they play porn.
When you go into Best Buy, you're allowed to play porn in front of you want to see what those TVs can do. But something really cool.
Yeah, but not for children. Oh, yeah. No kids. No kids allowed in the Best Buy. That's the thing.
Best Buy is now 18 plus only. No, no, no. I think the Best Buy. It's true that they actually most businesses are going to convert to me. Oh, I know. As president, will you make all seats on planes, lay down beds? That's a fucking but not charge any more than a regular economy. A great way to bankrupt an airline.
So, yes, I mean, you guys have to reduce the number of seats, make them all lay flat and they cost the same as the commission.
But you can make the plane a double decker plane, which is also free. Everything is free. That's my plan. OK, also, will you make whistling in public illegal 500 percent. What can happen is this you're allowed to whistle in public, but a police officer that is trained is given the green light to hit you in the head with a baton or nightstick once full swing because you whistled.
And if you recover or live, then you can keep whistling. But I think you're going to be like after that.
So what about speaker phone conversations, Tom? Immediately they take your phone and they set it on fire in front of you. Yeah. I like that idea. These are all good ideas and I want to change the position already all the minorities are welcomed back in our country. Yeah, even nada.
Welcome back. Welcome back.
It's great to be here. Thank you. Yeah, it was really weird without you there for a second. Mm hmm. Uh. All right. Oh, I found my secretary of state. Oh, who is it? It's right here I butties. Here's a different look for me. Silver, sparkling fuzzy sweater, silver fox fur coat, purple fluffy gown and purple wig, a few more accessories.
It looks like my D kind of got so beautiful and amazing. Yeah, I am here. Sparkle like a queen. Yeah. Appreciate the love and support. Imagine if you said that person around your father's name called Princess Taylor. This is my father's Nicole. Princess Taylor. Secretary of State.
And I said to her, I think in today's world they'd be like, that's so wonderful, Tom. You're so inclusive, putting the craziest person you can on your cabinet.
It's pretty wild. I mean, that he did.
Oh, so, you know, this thing, this guy like four million views on different platforms. The mommy challenge. Oh, right through. Right.
You want me to play with you and your mommy? I just want paper on the paper. Yes. Oh, you don't have people so funny. Thank you. Oh, mommy. That's the coke. Right. OK, ok. OK. Thank you. So Mommy challenge.
But I said, you know, no one gave us credit. That's definitely our that's our challenge.
And we've been doing it for I don't know, years, years, years.
Hi. What can I get for my mommy. I'll do venti ice coffee with milk and sugar. Come on. OK, and eventually milk. Anything else. No, that's it. All right. If you want. OK, thanks. Hi Mommy. Thanks, James. Thanks.
It was so many of these. I mean so many. What a great era and a little James.
But that's ok. That's ok. Mommy, can I just get to number six?
Hi Mommy. Can I get a large fry up, please?
Yeah. Hi, Mommy. Can I get a chicken fries and so international international ice cream cone. Yeah. And a large coke ring ring.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. OK, it's going to do. It's got to do. It's got to feel. It's an old school gym. Yeah.
That's my ring for you today. Salaman, how are you doing today. Good. How are you. Oh yeah. Same shit. Different toilet. But I've got. I'm sorry. Can you hold on one second. I'm sorry. Hey Case where are you going. To bring back my staple gun man. I'm trying to finish a gazebo. Goddamn, I'm so sorry about that.
Cut that phone call there.
Um, I've got orders for a couple of different people so you know where I mean, it's just crazy that people wouldn't, you know, didn't give us credit. I mean, they try to stolen credit from, uh, from W5 Classic. They didn't credit us. Now show me how those big tits fart that was stolen. Oh, yeah.
People were crediting, you know, somebody on Tinder here.
Here, you know, we invent so many things on this show that help people credit, that give the world something. Of course, double pipe classic that was yours.
Do you want to hear this is really funny before we do our talks. Yeah, we have talked.
We just talked. Yeah. This is a Israeli like game show and it has people with weird laughs on it. Oh, cool.
Look, I'm talking the. That's for sure. I hate it.
Yeah, I know Nadal hates it, but for different reasons. Um, Nadal, those are your people, unfortunately.
Jesus, what do you like to be so hateful for? Just everything about it.
Just the way they talk, the way they sound. Yeah. We didn't laugh.
You were traumatized. I really feel like you're traumatized. I don't even know how I got hurt or who hurt me, I just know that you're hurt.
I'm sure I'd like to tell you to talk to a shrink about this. We talked to a therapist about it. Yeah, sure. I'll bring it up with my therapist.
Yeah, well, you'd be like, oh, hey, I would like to express my unwavering anti-Semitism.
And then they'll be like, well, it's not technically a.. Self-heating. Yeah, you're self-heating, Jim. I'm in the clear on that.
Got you. OK, but yeah, I'll try and get to the bottom. You'll give us some info here. Daptone are like the laugh.
Yeah. I love Dad Bonar's. Let's do dad. But hey guys.
Good afternoon. This is Big D from Hot Wood. And guess what? We got what you as a certified kiln dried firewood, one fifty five or fifty three footer tracks on the truck in the back.
Three hours on the front today. Look at that. That is good to supply. A lot of fuel to a lot of people. Yeah, he is walking for trailers, just washes up.
Oh my God. What? I would look at the sports, look at the quality. So innocent.
You know, Sherry, I would guess about wood. Firewood.
Oh, yes. Oh. He doesn't have sex anymore. Oh.
All right, guys, this is why we're number one because of you guys. We love you love this guy. It feels this way about. Oh, but. Oh, my God, he's so excited. Oh yeah. It is kind of fun to watch. Oh, holy moly. Tiffani's 600 horsepower. God knows how many pounds. Feet of torque. Look at how house. Just pushing it out. That is a tremendous amount of good guys.
We got it. Holy moly. Oh, he doesn't even come macaron.
Oh, it's very innocent. Just like my four year. And I like to picture that the guy filming that getting that excited about wood is the same guy we saw in the old guy pawn, Uncle Albert.
Isn't that so? He has two different lives.
You know, he's like, look at all this firewood.
And then he's like, I piss in my mouth. Oh, yeah, no.
Because there is an asexual quality to the dad bohner there. Is it right. It's a guy who's like, sweet and innocent and. They don't do PC porn and stuff, I know, and they don't watch PC porn because they get stoked. I'm like wood. I know, but if they get introduced the PC porn, all sudden they're starring in movies and.
Oh, good for me. Very much like here I go.
Now, you know, it's interesting. I've been checking in on Captain Morsell down the mountain. She was one of the original tech talks we fell in love with.
And she's just been doing a lot of music videos lately, like duetting and such. So I couldn't I can't bring her on the show.
Maybe the live show, maybe. Yes. Good idea. Great idea. Tom, I'm going to start covering some misconceptions about Satanism, OK?
And this is going to be a fun one. Eating babies. Satanists do not eat babies. It's all the way down to. Oh, thanks for watching. Oh, check out. I was escorted Hail Satan and watch yourself. Really Satan really pokes some holes in that theory. Thanks, man.
I mean, all right. And it doesn't seem like Satanists have any more fun than we do. I was hoping since they're bad, they would have more fun. But they do.
They do. Congratulations on getting on the show. I would work on the eyeline a little bit. No, I hold the camera up and look at.
Yes. The lens. You will fucking. What, you think you can talk to people like that and get away with that, you little bitches? I have severe nerve pain and I hope it happens to you someday. You little bitches, I could fucking cream all of you, even with all my nerve pain, you fat fucking bitch. We're fat, you your fucking fat and you're fucking ugly little fucking one. And you have a big fucking. Holy shit, you'd like that.
I mean, that's intense, man. I was just for you. I mean, they must have done something to her, though, right? You know, that's not unprovoked.
Yeah. They maybe were messing with her. She's like, I have nerve damage. So maybe she was what did they do? I mean, that that really makes me curious of the back story, because I really I, I feel that woman's anger, you know, like I can I can I feel like she felt so slighted by them that she had to unleash that on them, you know. Wow. See, I don't feel sympathetic for her at all.
I do feel like they are a little fucking cunts in that cause.
I do. I feel like it and I feel like that.
Yeah. Well that's any part about tech talk is that you don't get the whole story. No. You just get a snippet of the absurd and then you fill in the blanks.
Only thing that would be better is right now this keeps playing and they all go forward because she just crashes into them.
And that would be fun. Oh sure.
Oh, ok. OK, ok. All right. We're fine. Everything's fine. Oh my goodness. No, no, no, that's not. That was a little old lady fireball lady fight there scenes.
Yeah, yeah. If you want to you may want to replay that because it happens at the very top. There is that one lady in her walker is like putting her hand out to punch the other old the walker.
I think the old lady on the left is not using a walker. Oh let me see it again. It's situates. And then the lady on the right tries to hit her with the wall. It's pretty amazing.
I've never seen punching out. Yeah. Oh. Oh, shit. This is all right. We're fine. Everybody's talking shit.
Yeah, I know that poor nurse is like, let's not we're five guys are going to die soon anyway.
Yeah. Yeah. Accelerated.
Yeah. And I like the laughter in the background. I like the workers were like that's fucking wow.
Did you see Rose push Gertrude in the line. That shit never goes away. That you know, no fire. No until the end man.
And especially at that age you don't give a rip anymore. You're just letting it fly.
Did I just such a small fart. Oh. Oh. See I'm creating. Yeah, yeah. We get it. I just four oh oh.
Oh my God. Now there's a few points. Yeah. Yeah. How is his face that dark next to his body.
I mean I don't know African-American man and his body looks light skinned and his face looks so dark like that's like a health issue. Right.
Like this isn't his pigmentation this guy. No, I feel like his his face is like we're about to die.
Like blood pressure through the roof.
It's definitely on. I don't know. I don't know. But I like when he's like, I'm such a little thing. Oh. And then he's like, oh, making farts. And you see him doing it by digesting food like yeah. No shit.
That color thing is really it's wild, it's off putting and I know the difference.
I don't know what the deal is. I don't know it is. I'm serious. I think it's health related. I'm, it's a wild guess but could be. He's so much darker in the face. It's crazy. Are there any women out there looking for a leader in a mate? A boy? Yeah. What the fuck? Are there any women out there looking for you, give you the haircut? Yeah, sorry. Yes, I'm here.
I need a leader. I don't know, he's just putting it out there. Tom, what could he have done better in that video? Let's help the guy. You want to start at the top? I mean, I like this like a reveal thing, right? Yeah. Are there any women out there looking for a leader and a mate enemy and down? He's just like cinematic. So this is a dramatic thing he's doing. I would cut it off a second sooner.
Um. Maybe look for a little more in your message. I mean, he's casting a net there. Do you want a leader? See what comes back. But right.
I mean, much like you running for president. Yeah. What what's your platform? Well, I mean, I gave you plenty. So if you want to vote for me, you're fucking stupid. But I'm saying this man, he didn't present anything.
Well, I want to know what are his leadership qualities. Yeah, I agree. He just said you want a leader and then turns it off.
Yeah, that's a good point. Like what. What how will you lead me. Lead me. What's your what are your skills to pay the bills. Come on man.
This will be the most important question of your fucking life whenever you start a conversation with a significant other say this. Do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix.
Look how tight those pants. I know you can see that bulge. God damn. You can see the got the belt buckle. I mean it's all tight, the shorts tight too. Oh he's ridiculous.
Yeah. And that's why I like him because he's like so yoked and he's like this is the most important question you can.
I feel like if you work out this hard you should wear tight clothing. Yeah. He should show me. Yeah. Like I kind of like. Tight clothing is for you. Yeah, you know, if you work for that body or even if it's naturally given to you, let everybody take a go.
I agree. I'm not hating. I'm not Haine, but I was just thinking about this talk in relation to us like before you have a conversation.
Do you want me to listen, RGV?
Because I think if you asked me that, I would punch you in your fuckin face. Because when someone's upset. Is that you really? That's kind of like. No, I know it's kind of you know, every time you say annoying, shut up.
Right. Well, that's you. Yeah, but but imagine you're upset like you're genuinely upset. And I go, Tom, do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix shut the fuck up.
That's how I would feel if somebody said that shit to me when I was in the middle of something like fuck you, fuck your mother when you go fix what you wear on fucking tighter jeans, asshole.
Yeah, that's how I'd feel. Yeah, I'm with you. I mean, I get the sentiment and I think that he's correct in his thinking. But an execution probably not a good thing to really try on your spouse.
Oh, here's another one.
That girl almost almost caught me staring at her ass. Almost the perfect, nice guy. She is quite just quiet. I was walking by this black girl, probably 22, 23, very cute, nice big ass. So I kind of look down like this. And she just looked would be right. And I immediately averted my eyes back away. You know, she was looking at my eyes because they're beautiful, you know what I mean? I got a couple of I sometimes have a beautiful green eyes or blue eyes, whatever fucking color they change on a daily basis.
But she was really cute, had nice hair, several waves going on. I should go holler. But, you know, I'm old enough to be her daddy. She's like twenty, twenty one. But it's good times. Good times. Maybe it's good times. This is the. It's the strangest just library of information to keep, you know, like this is his diary. Now, the ACE report. Yeah. And he'd like to be like, I got to report.
I got to let people know what just happened.
I was just looking at a girl's ass and she almost caught me by now. And why don't you want to keep that on like you don't want this?
First of all, everybody has the story, but you just don't go like, oh, I should broadcast the story. You know, everybody has been caught looking at somebody.
Right. And that's his thing is like, I'm going to ask and I want to I want there to be because of this, I want you to be able to pull up the day I stared at someone's ass and they saw me.
You know what? But remember, he's the master. That's right. He was the one critiquing I don't like I was like, yes, I don't like this kind of square ass and the latest and greatest.
And I'm here to tell you about it.
He's the expert, the ass he's fired up his phone bill is just a great ass and and ran the risk of getting caught talking about it. So, like, I mean, imagine you recording that just after it happened.
That girl could be right behind you. Bananas. Yeah, the guy's bananas.
Oh, God. No one on the mount. Not a footprint. A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like the queen. The winds are howling, swirling start like a swirling storm inside. Got to keep it in, but heaven knows. Don't let them in, don't let them be the good girl that I don't see you don't let them know. You never know. Let it go. Let it go.
God. Do you really think that this is man's alive right now? This is a this is a note. That's what this is. This guy's beyond depressed. I know I'm depressed after watching it.
No, it's the song from Frozen. It's about it's about letting the past go and embracing embracing the next world you're going to live in.
Frozen is about hope, Tom. It's about.
Yeah, he's hopeful that heaven lets him in to the gates. This is not this guy's not alive. We just watched somebody last message that was so depressing. Well, you know, I potato, potato. I thought this was beautiful and engaging and you felt depressed.
So I tell you, I'll show you a fun time. I don't know what to tell you. This is a fun talk right here. We've seen this.
This one is this one. Oh, I don't like this. Oh, my God. Look how fucking high. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, my God. I got to tell that. Wow. Wow. Uh oh, look at that hand, look at that hand.
What the fuck are you doing? Oh, boy.
This guy didn't prepare for this. Oh, look, right up here. This guy's out of his mind. That is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. That was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Now, that's not funny to me.
Uh, then I'm confused on what makes you laugh. Well, this just like, cool. I just felt no, I just felt the that genuine, genuine panic, you know, like something getting away from you that you can't control, like the speed of that. And then. You know, intellectually, not to put your hand there, like he definitely knows that, yeah, but he did it. Yeah. And then his hand is completely fucking destroyed on the inside.
I don't even know how I got to stop, by the way, also that sound. Oh, my God. I was trying to figure out whether it was the sound of that or his actual going like that because it sounded like we kind of see it again, like I'm so so he's trying to get his.
So he's on a zip line.
Right. Right. And I guess he was going to take his time going across that.
And it feels like it just took off on him. Wow. I like the way that the the line is and also whatever, however, is apparatus is set up. It just took off. I mean, he was flying and he's several hundred feet up in these crazy. And then as he's trying to slow down, I mean, you could tell it is fucking hauling.
That's what I'm talking about. When you go like, oh my God, I'm not in control, you can have that, you know. In anything, it's terrible, there's like a speed factor. Now, it's terrifying, you know, been there where, you know, you're in traffic like one time, you know, I slid on the ice. Yeah, exactly. Great one. This is fucking beyond, like, how do I live? I'm cool if I don't.
But this one also, he's so far from the mountain that even the perspective of distance, you can tell me you also fucking far panic also is like you also know there is no like, hey, can you help me out?
No, he's fucked. You're alone.
He's alone and he's will die alone in that. Yeah. So he's trying again I guess trying to like shout oh. And then I just go yeah. It's like, oh, put your hands up. That's the some of the row after row with about. That got him. This paper that. So he gets gets hooked on that and he's just trusties panicking that clip or whatever, the he's just caught his breath.
Imagine the adrenaline surge just feeling right now like I got.
Yeah, he's I mean, it's an experience probably, you know, he's got a lawyer and everything. Fuck your life depends on that hook that he's on, on your gear. That's wild.
It is wild. Oh, thanks, Tom. That was we were having a good time and we were enjoying that man's suicide song, and then you had to play this and this was that was pretty funny. Oh, daddy, my pussy.
This is just one of those, like, trying to be funny. I bet that hurt making that looks like it hurt everything. Yeah, I liked it, though. I just like making people. It's fun. Good. It's fun. Once your full moon water has charged out in the full moon, bring it inside, you can use it for drinking, OK? You can use it for pets, children, plants to do spells with or to clear your house.
You ever have only water. So here's the thing. You've got to put it. You only put the jar of water outside in a full moon and leave it open so that the moon vibes can get in.
That's what she's telling you. Yeah. Positive moon vibes.
And also any other animals that want to pee, spit or little fitness when you drink it in the moon feels you got bugs. And God, this is insane.
Proven me right here, girl. Very well. I hope you have a good time, you know. Enjoy the rest of your day. Thanks, Chris.
So I've been following so many prison talks. The accounts have been coming up and up and up and I follow them immediately. And of course, they disappear quite quickly. So I it's a hot commodity when I get my hands on a prison time.
It's really exciting. It is.
And I have to say, the phenomenon I've been finding is a lot of bragging about their crib.
So one guy will show you how many bags of Fritos he has to need and also how fit they are about how yoked I am.
Dog. Yeah, it's really fascinating.
500 pushups a day. Dog never miss a day, which is and I have to say I give them mad props because their diets are not great. No, but they are still in such good shape. They look good. I'm saying.
Yeah, but I know I imagine the food is terrible and it's got to be terrible and you've got to be dedicated. I mean to that, you know, it's a good way to motivate yourself to get in shape I think is to go to prison. Yeah. Like if you're looking for some place where you can, you know, focus on your physique, I think it's prison and I think you should run on this platform.
That's another thing. I'm going to get fat people to go to prison.
If you vote for me, I'll send every fat ass you know to prison.
Gets you in shape, homie.
Dog, you're going to come back in such good shape you go get for you and Joker are going to come back from shredded dog.
Prince Charles and Camilla struggled to hope that laughter while listening to a traditional performance in Canada.
So this is real. This is real. So what they're doing, it's an intimate thing. Yeah, it's a tribal person thing. They called in Canada. So the nation. First nation, sorry. Yeah. So these two have been on tick tock. Just the two of them. I've seen them before and they do this breathing thing where one goes and the other one breathes and they, they breathe rhythmically together. And apparently Camilla Parker Bowles, Bowles and Prince Charles were laughing during this native performance.
Indigenous people, they're very disaffected by it.
And I thought it was hilarious because I'm like, huh, that's exactly what we might be doing.
Yeah. Prince Charles and Camilla struggled to hold back laughter while listening to a traditional performance. You. Yes, it's ridiculous because it does sound funny. You're going to get upset by that somebody does something for sure, like I was disrespectful if they left during my breathing song.
Yeah, it does sound funny. Like I understand this is a joke.
Sounds like they say, you know, hey, that's cultural appropriation, Tom.
It is that guy who was just doing that. Right across all of you, does your dog ever act like my dog does at times? If you raise your hand. He's just putting on a fun topic. What was the question? Does your dog ever act like a nut bag like my dog does?
Raise your hand, dog? Uh, yeah.
He's just trying to relate to the ladies. Tom, I like his approach better than the queens above. OK. OK.
Well, this was a lot of fun. Thank you. I had a lot of fun with you today. You're the one for me. Rudy. Rudy, I love you. I love you, too.
Um, thank you guys for listening. Our closing song is You're Fired by Alex B..
Enjoy it and we'll see you. Don't forget to go to why Image Studios dot my jeans above 18.
Oh, you were your by the. You're talking to a man who just ruined your fucking life. We sit here and we decide to get a job here, fuckface. Enjoy your life on the line. OK. It's a brutal. What's your name anyways, on all the. You not nothing for me, right? Forget about your. The top two figures and all the other nobody can a man to ruin your fucking life. Oh, you know, thrill me, that's all that retard.
The second, third, fourth hurdle, but your legs are very to right? Just last year, right up there, Joan. What's up there? I guess my plan is really talking to you, talking to. And. Which makes your home. Are very.