Transcribe your podcast

At this rate, anything's possible if you get shot, robbed, beaten, stabbed. I don't know, you know, well, you're really putting it out there. Well, something terrible like that happens.


And then we'll show my murder video at the next.


Yeah, I've. I've changed. What do you mean?


This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by sort of go to Saffa Dotcom slash bullshit right now to get 225 dollars off the purchase of your next mattress.


And welcome again.


Sure did. Maybe you heard.


Maybe you heard. I had a little I had a little spell high. I'm back in studio. Good to be back. And the seat next to me is empty. This time last week she was here, I was gone. I'm here, she's gone. It's a fun game that we're playing these days.


If you didn't hear, I had suffered a horrific basketball related injury that we have in four K and multiple camera angles that we're debuting on our New Year's Eve live show, Two Bears Live Berzerk. Krischer and I are going to be doing it together. We're going to review all the footage because we played together that day with Tristan Jass. And yeah, it's going to be the first time I've seen it.


And I showed it to a trauma surgeon and he winced. He was like, oh, I don't want to do that again. I was like, what? Like, this is what you deal with. He was like, That's terrible, man. That's terrible.


Like what? So, yeah, my injuries. Torn patellar, tendon broken, snapped in half, humorous big bone up here, and I bruised my radial nerve. I didn't damage it, I didn't sever it, I bruised it, which is why I have the high. Cool glove on and that the fun thing about a bruised radial nerve, if you don't know it, controls, you know, wrist flexion and finger extensions and movements, numbness. So I'm like, so what's like, you know, the forecast here and they go, well, your your nerves will just regenerate and it'll just come on because you didn't you didn't damage it.


I go. I go. Well, how long can they go? Well, the fastest we've ever seen it happen is three weeks ago. That's not that bad. Like a what's the longest you've seen it happen in 21 months. Cool, that's kind of a big range. You know, talking about three weeks or two years and they're like get. We'll just have to wait and see and they go, it's not going to take that long for you to go.


Well, how long you think it will take? And they go months. All right. Cool, man. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Um, yeah. So. See here, my computer's a little. All right. Yeah, it always says you want to run this update and I always say tomorrow. I assume that's what everybody does. Yeah, that's the update tomorrow. That's the right move.


So. Why am I here, Christine is not here, so I went from hospital to home to another hospital, and then when I left the hospital, after my surgeries, after they put me back together, they're like, you can't go home. You're too immobile and you need to recover more. So I went to a rehab, rehab and recovery center, you know, that has like machines and therapists and everything. Stay there for a few weeks to try to get better.


That's where I was when I zoomed in on the last episode. I wasn't feeling well when I for a couple of days, you know, but I was also coming off boxes and a lot of tears.


No one expected that, you know, crying a lot.


So when I left there, I went home. And as soon as I got home, I was like, I hadn't been home, I got injured. December 1st, I get home. Oh, my God, it's December. What was it I can actually tell you? Because it was pretty close. It was pretty close to, uh, to Christmas, I think.


Yeah, I went home the 19th. Right, yeah, the 19th, I go home, I hadn't been home since the first. As soon as I get home, I get a notification that I'm covid positive. OK, I'm having chest pain, so. I brought that home, which was a cool feeling, and then, uh, I was lucky my my symptoms weren't that bad, you know, I mean, I didn't feel good, but I felt worse before I got home.


So the time I got home, I was like, oh, I don't feel that bad. And they're like, yeah, but you know why you felt kind of shitty covid. My symptoms were like diarrhea, achy, fatigue, I was tired. That was it, that was it for me. I brought it home, I gave it to Christina, and her symptoms were even more mild than mine. So she had. I don't know. Loss of smell.


She was kind of kind of tired one day, that was it. That was it for her, so I had to I waited out my. My, my from when my symptoms onset, I waited, what is it, 14, 15 days now? I got a negative test result yesterday, so I was able to come in waiting that period of time. She's still in her window because she got it after I initially did. So that's why she's not here.


And that's that. What a great month now. We have some special. Jesus Christ, we have some special stuff planned for today. We're going to go over some of the all time greatest Topdog calls, some of them are so far in the archives that their audio, only a number of them before we were shooting with video. One of them, the first one I want to start with is a legendary call that. Really opened people's eyes to who my dad is and what's important to him.


I don't remember. Do you know?


When did you listen to the show back that far back or.


No, I think I started listening to you guys. I want to say mid to hundreds. Oh, so this is way before.


Yeah. Like, this was always something that I've heard reference to, but I didn't hear it when it first came.


Orlando, Orlando, Orlando Airport. Dude, we've had deejays named themselves after this deejay.


Orlando Airport. Yeah, yeah, I, I remember bits of this story, but, uh, that's you know, I don't remember that call like this call. So this should be fun.


By the way, do you miss me or were you worried about me. Dude, it's been such a crazy month. It has been right, it's just been one thing after another. I thought you breaking half your body was going to be the only bad thing we needed to figure out right now. And then it just kept on piling on.


It's a wild month when you know the thing, like people keep asking because they'll be like, hey, man, you know, it's not that big a deal. You know, like you break your shit and you get and you heal and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It isn't that big of a deal. You're right. The thing is that when you have something like this, you realize that it's just it takes hold of your time in a way that then fucks with everybody else's time.


You know, that's the part that's like. The the burden, because like for the first few weeks, you're like, oh, I'm not in charge of anything, like people are just telling me snow just sit here and like and then, I mean, you need assistance to, like, fucking turn the air conditioning down, you know, like crazy shit like that. And then you're like. You know, at most you can handle is like an email or a phone call for a few minutes, but then you're like, you know, so then I don't have my own time.


Then other people who's who rely on me for time are like, well, you're not available. And that's the part that's like a burden, you know.


Right. Yeah. I mean, I remember there were so many different situations where we were like, OK, we're going to set up a zoom station for you in this location. And then, like, I think we've we packed and unpacked the same box maybe five different times. Yeah. And then we just kept on realizing, like, oh, yeah, this isn't possible. Or like, oh, yeah, we can't really do that feasibly in this type of scenario.


It's just it's so great to have you back, though. Thanks, Betty. Yeah. It's a this is the first time I've actually seen you since December 1st.


It is. Yeah. And we were here December 1st and I when we recorded the end of the year episode.


That's right. And I also jumped in the lobby.


I remember that and I yeah. You, we, I remember we were discussing the bet. Yeah. We were discussing bets on whether or not you'd be able to do something or not. And then you were like, fuck all y'all. And then you you bounced one of the ceiling tiles and you're like, and it's going to stay like that.


Yep. And then we got the call later that night.


Smart guy. Mark. Should we should we start with the, uh, the first one? Yeah, let's do it.


Let's do it. All right.


So this is from Episode 45 of your mom's house. This is my dad with the Orlando shit. This will be a rush down memory lane for me, too, because I do not remember how this played out really at all. And all say you had one of those days where you just fart all day. Yes, yes, I've had days like that.


Don't you love how sincere he is? He's so sincere. He's he's like, I have had days like that, but I do know that. Yeah. Oh, I had you know, I had one and, you know, I had and he turned on. Yeah.


This is my life, by the way, with my father. Every phone call, every time I ever or even if he calls me. Yeah. There's a full volume television in the background and I go, please turn that down.


Every time I see you watching American Idol, it's always whatever it's news.


It's a game. He's like, oh yeah. Hold on a second buddy. Yeah, always. Yeah.


I went to John the other day and I had like three false alarms. I thought I was going to do, you know, to adopt. And what I had was these big kind of like gas bombs.


Yeah. He went to John's to the john.


Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Nothing came out kind of relieving disappointing at the same time, right. Yeah.


You know, as much as I enjoy taking a shit, which I really do, you know, it's it's my age, it's almost like a sexual experience.


And then you have to go, oh, shoot.


Well, you know, that was him expressing oh, shoot is the expressing disappointment that he didn't I didn't realize it right then. Actually, in conversation, I thought he was saying, oh, shoot in the moment about something that just happened. Yeah. Me, you know, he was actually saying, like, you know, when you go to to take a shit and nothing comes out, you go, oh, shoot.


I think he's right about that old guy thing. That's my father was saying, yeah, you got to take a good shit, take a piss. It's wonderful. And like, all right.


Yes, guys, fucking really. Yeah. Because you know what? I think the older you get, you realize some of the best things are the simple things that we all do. Cleaning your years out.


Oh, I feel so good, right. Getting a dry bug. I love it. Dragging it out, flicking it.


You're just thankful to be able to take a shit. Yes. And shit, it's such a relief.


And you're like, oh that bastard.


And then you have to go, oh shoot.


He's just, you know, and then you come back and all of a sudden you feel that urge again and you know, and you head down the hall and you and then of course, you hope nobody's in the other stall there. But I had I had the other day, I had like three false alarms.


I hate that. I, you know, I had to I couldn't I hate shooting on a plane. I had to sit on a plane today. Oh, I hate shit in our plane.


It doesn't is really on board with this idea. I love it. I love it.


Yeah, I do. I don't know what it is, but it's fine that. Yeah. The confinement and they really don't have very good. Let's face it, the toilet paper on planes is not really subpar. That it's not big league stuff. Yeah. You know you almost feel like you're in your own role in your carry on luggage and growing up in there and using some of that good Sherman.


He's got a boy, he's got a real good point man.


And I and I would not be I hope you guys start bringing that good.


Sherman, as my dad says on flights with you, pull that out, pull out that role and be like, I'm going to take a shit and you can hope they'll let you know.


But he could tell, you know, no, what they'll what will happen is some people will see you leaving the bathroom and they'll be like, you take that toilet paper out of the bathroom. You know, this is my own.


I brought this. It's like it's like when we bring I just find it. It's like when we bring of to the taco stand. Yeah. And then the other patrons like can I borrow your Tavita you. Yeah. Fuck no. No you can not. I brought this shit from home bitch.


Look yourself.


I looked at it is confining. I've shit on a plane once. Once. I really have done it a few times.


Oh it's so believe me I only do it when there's no other option. The worse is I'll tell you the worst plane to shit on our regional jets.


The tiny ones. You know, I did Salt Lake to Denver. It's an hour flight. So it's like I can hold this an hour. Right. And then you get the realization, no, you can't. It's one of those doors that barely shuts. Oh, I like you.


Pull your accordion or or you lock your knee hits the door.


You're like, fuck, I can barely fit in this thing. Yeah. All right. More top dog.


He's so good, actually. Well, I like I like to double ply Sharma. Yeah. You know, because your fingers don't go through it like the game with a single player.


Yeah. You know, so that's way.


Yeah, so your finger doesn't go through the paper you're talking about. The double ply now. Now you know, so you don't have to worry about this way. If you forget, you wash your hands. You really don't have to worry about it. If you don't want a singleplayer, you really you know, you really kind of have to wash your hands.


That's such a time waster is really oppose washing your hands, you know, washing your hands every day.


You said, well, I wash my hands of other people are in the restroom because I want to think I'm, you know, civilized.


Yeah. A lot of times I don't worry if I'm in a hurry, I, I don't.


But I did today, I think. But not every time.


And what happened today when you were you said you went over there today or yesterday you went and it was yesterday was yesterday. I don't know what if I ate something, but I was you know, I was really gassy yesterday.




But I think some of this noise well, you know, I'm sitting there all of a sudden I feel that. Ah, so I head down the hall, go in there, you know, dromedaries, it's waiting for something.


And all of a sudden you said that the bathroom was the door was locked. You had to go use another one. That was that was two days ago.


This is my favorite part, is that he's got so many short stories that he had told me one and then he's actually told me another one. And I have to actually put them back on track, blending together. Yeah, I'm like, I thought you said he goes, oh, that was two days ago. And there was a different story.


Look at you. Shit, Detective. Yeah.


Getting your facts straight out there to the. Oh, that was terrible. So I'm downstairs. I'm running behind schedule in the morning. And so all of a sudden I'm getting out of the car. I feel the urge.


I got to take a nap. I'm in my office, but I'm outside my office in the parking lot.


OK, I got it right. Yeah, I got to go. So I make a beeline for the downstairs bathroom and somebody it's a one staller, you know, handicapped, of course, stall and somebody in their way.


And I went right when I play well and he zupanic well I am sitting there squeezing my cheeks, OK?


And I turn around and have to take the elevator. I can't walk up the stairs to the second floor because I'm afraid it may blast out. So I have to I'm getting in waiting for the elevator.


Isn't this amazing that it's it's like your story of today. Yes. It's like top dog and I you know. And the thing is, you didn't hear this. No, listen, I don't know. No, she had never heard.


This is my first time hearing this audio. Yeah. I had no idea. No idea who sent the content or anything. We're leading parallel lives right now. Absolutely.


See, the thing is, when the people that complain about Brown let me tell you something. Brown is universal. It is everybody Brown's everybody brown.


I can't believe top dog has to clench his cheek. Do you think you fit? Because I pictured him physically using his hands.


Oh, I've seen cheeks. I've seen them.


He waddles. He waddles like a penguin. He's like, oh, I got to go. I got to go. Yeah, that's what I do too.


Oh, man. Okay.


Hey, it may be last out, so I have to I'm getting in waiting for the elevator, squeezing my cheeks. Right. And then the elevator comes out, open up the, you know, go to the upstairs bathroom, which is a two two staller. And I am squeezing as hard as I can. But then you got to turn around under your belt and then you got the you know, when you get wear a suit pants, you got that other button in there and I can feel it start to come out.


Really. It was coming out. Yeah.


So I got those pants down, sat on there, just bombs away. Okay.


And then, then I get you know, I get on my toilet paper, you know, you take the first wife just to see how much is there, how many totally. And I said, oh God, this is going to be like a whole roll of toilet paper.


So it was it was awesome.


So I'm sitting there. I'm just I mean, I'm my like my fourth wife and I still got a long way to go. So then then I stood up and I went out and went out to, you know, in the bathroom there. And I got my underwear down around my ankles and I grab a few whatever to think like that.


Yeah. Yeah.


You know, it's interesting what he did, like what he did in a public restroom. Yeah. He went from the stall. Yeah.


With his pants in his underwear down to my ankles, walked out to the sink to wet some paper. Yeah. So somebody, anybody could oh it was a two stall bathroom and seen my dad dick and balls out underwear around his ankles just being like I'm just wet and some paper I got a white got a real messy one here.


But for some reason if you walked in on top dog doing that. Yeah. You'd be like, all right man. Now you'd get it. Yeah. It wouldn't even faze me. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Real messy in here.


Yeah, totally, because I needed to I hadn't finished cleaning, so I got a couple of those towels and all those paper towels and I went at them up and then I cleaned off.


And then, of course, you want to make sure I had black underwear on. This is good. Don't know if whether you got any. This is so crazy.


I'm just preparing you if you're like of, you know, an uneasy if you can't handle. Extremes, real shit, real talk, real brown talk. You might want to tune out what he's about to say. You know, stuff on your underwear. Yes, I kind of I kind of kind of bend over and sniff my underwear and it was clean.


So I was going to go get your underwear shirt because I wanted to make sure if I got me, I couldn't tell because it was black underwear. Oh, my God. Usually it was white underwear. You can see with some on it.


I was told the.


So four worth. But, you know, here, I mean, sometimes I forget which where because, you know, a lot of my underwear, I just try to throw on the floor of the house. Yeah.


Yeah. So, you know. Sometimes, I mean. I don't really do that very much. I really don't do that very much because I had to wear black underwear. You can tell with white underwear whether you got any, you know, sunset in the sand. You see that brown? Yeah, but you can't just travel with black underwear.


Yeah. So this is a big road that you let off. It sounds like. Oh yeah. It was, it was. It was breakfast. Now it's what would have happened.


What would have happened. Let's say you had gone to the second bathroom and the door was locked. Then. It could have been it could have been ugly. You can see your pants. Oh, I think I think I don't think I could have held it. I think it would have been. Yeah, it actually happened in the Orlando airport.


Watch your back a little bit. Yeah. That actually happened in the Orlando airport.


Like a war story, like in Hanoi you like.


Yeah, that actually has happened one time before the Orlando airport.


And you see Patty goes a little bit. Yeah. Does your mom do his laundry?


Um, yeah. Dude, she has to see this. She sees a lot of brown and yellow for sure.


Oh dear. That's so fucked up. No wonder she probably buys in the black ones because she's like, I cannot look at your wife. Hey, you're brown.


Yeah, I think it would have been. Yeah. If it actually happened in the Orlando airport, which was your pants.


A little bit, yeah.


And then I get on the airplane.


Oh, you know, I had. What are your parents well, and their Orlando airport and so what I had to do everything well, I mean, I was, you know, just had to go. I couldn't get there in time that little bit. So what I had to do in the end is stall. This is true. I mean, I had to take my underwear off the clean up and I had to put, you know, so I had to fly with no underwear.


Oh, my God.


But and dad had a little bit of a stain and my khaki I didn't know what I could, you know, I checked my luggage. So, you know, I was thinking this poor person that sat in my in my seat after I sat in it, you know, I had no idea what they were in for. Oh, God. I'm about to throw one man. Yeah, I actually was like, hey, where's this Orlando airport story coming?


I didn't realize it was at the tail end of that. Right. But, yeah, that's that's quite the story, Dad. That's the famous. You know, because now I remember he was telling the story about sitting at the office and then it prompted the Orlando story from him, which leads us into the next episode, actually.


Episode 46, I've heard this story many times, if you talk about shooting with my dad, it's absolutely one of his favorite topics and.


If you are talking to a shit expert like that and you happen to ask, you know, the biggest shit you ever took with my father, the answer is immediate. Miami.


And it was on a family vacation. I remember that specifically.


And he must have told it. On this call, so it's this one is quicker, we can jump into it, see what a. With the details of the biggest year he ever took. My in my sheet, after I sat in it, you know, I had no idea what they were in for.


He was telling us that he was talking about when he the Orlando area, he shit himself up there and then he he didn't have any underwear and it still was on his pants.


Now, gosh, you know, you got some really smelly dance, too, and. But the all time record, see, this is the rise of the Orlando airport. I was just, you know, making the observation that he really does have some smelly dump's egos into the fact he just launches into a memory. OK, I'll just let it play out.


But the all time record, 1986, Miami, Florida. You were just a little kid then. We were down there. He really said, oh, yes, my all time biggest one. He remembers it like 1984, 96. We took the whole family. You were just a little kid, three years old.


OK, by the way. Nothing. Six, three years old. He said I was I was born in 79. Just giving you.


He's thinking of somebody else. Heads up. I was seven and I tell you. Yeah. Before we go any further. Yeah. Your father has told me this story probably five times. Has he really.


Oh, I know. I know what he tells me this every time he seems OK. No, no, I'm not gonna give it away. It's fantastic. What in the fuck? He's only this five, dude. The first time I met him, he told me the story.


He's the best I know. That's why I won't marry Guy.


We took the whole family. You were just a little kid. Three years old, seven. We're driving. We rented a car. We were down to Bell Harbor. We're staying there, Miami Beach. And we were I don't know. And I had to go. And I still to this day, remember that I remember that shit. Oh, my God. What what do you think this? Well, I think it was the fact that we were flying, driving, you know, doing all the family meals on the road kind of stuff, sitting in the car.


You know, it's kind of just built up in there and then it just. When it was time, it was time travel is do something about traveling. Travel does that. You know, I mean, I'm as regular as clockwork.


I mean, when it was time, it was time. That's, you know, most elegant way of putting it is he recollected the story like it was a Vietnam fondly.


Very much so, yeah. Me and the guys were in Hanoi. Yeah. Yeah.


Travel does that, you know, I mean, I'm pretty regular as clockwork. I mean, you know, I'm like an atomic clock in the morning. I know exactly what I usually said the morning 15, 850. You seem pretty sure about that.


But it's it's within really seriously. It's within a minute or two every morning. You can set your watch. By the time I go, you really go. So if I call you if I seen them. All right. We have a phone call while you're sitting.


Oh, yeah. We could do that.


I could give you a blow by blow away by wife, just like her dad. I got to get ready, man. I love you. Bye bye.


Sweet. There you go. There he is, top dog. Um, yeah, pretty good if you like sex, yo love blue Who doesn't like sex? Don't you want to have more of it and be super hard while you're doing it? Yeah, man. Blue is affiliated with physicians who work with you to find the dosage and active ingredient that is best for you. The chewables from blood. You can be taken on a full or empty stomach.


See, that part doesn't matter. It's just what's below your stomach that gets super hard, that matters most. And yeah, the online physician console is free, so it is cheaper than those other two fragrantly. You know, it only takes a few minutes to connect with a blue affiliated physician and if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly. What is better than that? Here's a great deal for you guys. Visit Blue and get your first order free when you use promo code.


Why? M.H. just pay five dollars in shipping. That's b l u e CAGW Dotcom. The promo code is why.


M.H. this episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Murka.


We all have extra stuff lying around or hidden away in a closet that isn't being used anymore. A lot of it is probably in great condition and someone else could get a ton of use out of it. So why not do something with that? That's why we use Mercouri, the marketplace app that makes it easy to give unused items a new life when I get rid of them. So it's the simple way to say goodbye by selling your stuff to someone who actually wants it.


And when a buyer says hello, you make some good money. Once you download Murka, you just take pics of your stuff, add a description and it's listed when it's sold. McCary makes it easy by emailing you a shipping label so you can box it up your item. You send it to its new home. Super easy, super, a great way to, you know, sell something that is not getting used anymore in your home, your stuff might be exactly what someone else is looking for.


So turn your goodbye into their hello on Mercouri. Start buying and selling when you download today from the app stores or at Murka Dotcom. That's MVR C.A.R. I Mercouri your marketplace.


So yeah, those are two of his his all time classic stories, the Orlando airport and the Miami record setting shit that he knows happened in 1986 and he often fondly recalls. Was your dad like that by chance?


Was your dad tell shit stories?


Um, he didn't really tell us stories of memorable Shites. No, but it was like kind of he did have an open door policy when he shot. He did, um, like if you ever need something from him, like, it would be like, hey, where's Dad? He's like, oh, he's in the bathroom.


Go get go get what you need from him because you would take like our long shits hour long. It was just like that was just a part of his day.


So it would he would be in there a while. Yeah, he'd be in there for a minute. And then like if you need it, like everyone was just used to shit smell and it was bad. Uh, yeah, what I mean, I think you always have a newspaper that was strategically placed and like even read. Read. Yeah, yeah. The whole fucking thing he's reading, though. Yeah. Like, you would try and, like, hide his cock and balls from his kids.


But I mean, I think we all kind of. Yeah, I could draw from memory at this point.


I wonder if that's just like a dad being like. This is the only escape I have left kind of thing. I mean, for your dad to be like I mean, being here an hour.


Yeah, well, I mean, you know, he was raising he was a father of four kids. Yeah. I feel like that's what I'm saying.


That's what it was.


So then you guys would like knock on the door like, hey, dad, are you going to take us to whatever he's like when I'm done right.


And like this was even before cell phones. So he was he just had a newspaper to entertain, which I can't even fathom at this point. But I mean, that just shows you how important that time was.


That's why I'm saying he's just doing it to, like, have space.


Do you find yourself doing that to now that you have two kids?


I mean, I definitely look at the time that I have to go as permission to escape. Yeah. I like they're at the age, sometimes they'll just pound on the door or open the door and they're like, Hey, and you're like, what, dude? What you know? And they're so young, you let them in. Well, I mean, sometimes the incessant knocking, you're like, what do you want?


Do you ever see the smell? Knock them back a little bit. Never.


Never. Doesn't really register. I think. Yeah, maybe they're not afraid of that smell. Yeah. Maybe that smell just means dad to them now.


Yeah. They're young though. A couple more years they're going to be like, uh, you know, but yeah. They're pretty young.


Um. We're jumping ahead here, episode two 25. This is a conversation I've had with my dad many times and the fact that I got him to share it with an audience. It's pretty spectacular, it's about the fact that he he he's always. Very in tune with what his farts smell like. And the reason is because he knows that they inform him about what's going to happen next and he must have shared it on this call. So that says in the description.


So from episode to 25, let's go right ahead. Hey, Dad. Hey, buddy, how you doing? How are you? Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah, yeah. What's what's going on?


Yeah, well, I just had a my new favorite lunch. Now is this seafood Cobb salad. OK, Scott. Shrimp and crab meat. Spinach, spinach.


He's like breathing so hard into the phone, like it's such and this is such a noisy call. I'm already irritated. Go ahead. But I like the non organic, non organic spinach, not yeah, yeah, why? Yeah, because the pesticides and chemicals helped kill the bacteria that normally come from.


You realize this is his form of rebellion, right? Yeah. He's sticking it to the man. Yeah, he loves that. Like people want organic.


So he goes, I don't want organic. Yeah. Keep it old school. I like it more organic.


So I feel like it's. Say four to eight staffers were treated with pesticides, that it is not E. coli and those chemicals kill a lot of the bacteria. So that's nice. I, I go down the you know, I've kind of built up an immunity for pesticides anyway, so I feel safer with chemicals.


It's great that it's good. It's really good.


Yeah. And save money too because you know that organic shit costs got expensive. And now when your sister comes home because you have, you know, everything's organic in the house but the grass. Right. You know, because she's into all that Gotthard, you know, stuff.


But has it really going on like it's been like ten years since. It's the breathing. The fucking breathing is making me insane. I don't know if I can get through this call.


We haven't even gotten to any of the face button things yet. Remember that.


Yes, but the breathing used to really irritate me. So my dad, I used to call him at his office, you know, when he was working. And every time I'd be like, you know, like, hey, did he go? Yeah. And I go, hey, like after I go, do you mind not breathing into the phone? He goes, it's how I breathe. And I go, but you're you know that you're breathing into the mouthpiece like you hear it.


If you are talking on a phone like a, you know, an office phone and you breathe into the mouthpiece, you hear the air. He's like, it's just how I breathe.


God damn it, dude. All right, go ahead, sorry. And he said a lot of heavy breathing going on, what is around any kind of laughs at it here?


What so you told me last week that you farted on the way to work and then you knew what kind of shit you were going to take. I bet you know, if you get to know your father, it's over, you know, I mean, if you think about how many hits I've taken in my life, we're talking, you know, well over 100000. OK, so you get to know.


Yeah, well over a hundred thousand. I don't know about that.


Well, let's see here you take me, see how many days I've been alive. Here, let me work this out. That's a good point.


OK, so you figure 365 times 67. I've been alive twenty four thousand four hundred eighty five days. Yeah. And I probably, you know, kind of child of fourchette today. Probably. That's a ninety seven thousand five probably coming up on my, you know, the next year, my 100000 shit.


I never thought that's great. OK.


Yeah, it's really exciting.


But so far it's not a milestone. OK, ok, so but I can tell, I can tell by the odor whether it's going to be a, you know, a brick or it's going to be a sloppy Joe. I can tell. Wow. Hmm.


Yeah. And then how was it when you the other day when you said you farted in the car on the way to work? It was it was a sex and it was going to be a sex. You knew it was. Absolutely, yeah. How did you know?


I just know that, you know, the smell and I know each level has its own unique. You know, this kind of a. The higher you go up the nerve. That's kind of a rancid. Smell one on when they're more solid through. John, I can't believe your mom loves this guy. Oh, it is so intense of a more benign, less stinky smell you want to go so much at all is probably going to be a one or two.


Sometimes a three. OK, OK. But will you get some ugly smells that you're up there in that, you know, six, seven and eight range? There's no eight. You've created every four, five, five, four, five, six and seven range.


OK, ok, ok. And I've, you know, I'm just I can just you know, it's like some people can. You look at artists to draw and you see how you do that, and they just do they have a kind of an art. I'm the same way. Mm hmm. Yeah.


So the other thing is you called me and you said you had you're like, you know, I've been thinking about and I had no idea what you were going to say. And you said I was thinking that morning shirts don't smell as bad as shirts during the day. Oh, they don't.


They don't. They absolutely do not. But that's OK, so your theory is that the morning shift is the least odorous of the shifts that you could take during the day?


Absolutely. Positively, yes. But my whole thing is that, like.


You can have some real fire before you go to bed, you know, eat something. Pretty intense that just cooks in you all night and then you could take a really think you should in the morning, right?


Am I right about that? I agree. My I beg to differ with your father on this topic, and it's very controversial. But I have a feeling my morning dumps are the smelliest of the day.


Hmm. I because it had been festering inside of you all night. That's my. That's by the logic. Yeah. No, I agree with you on this one, Tommy.


Hmm, well, I generally don't eat something with fire before I go to bed.


Well, I don't mean fire as in spice. I just mean that like.


I think it takes longer to remember what you had at dinner time. That it takes a while depends on how fast your digestive process is. But, you know, for the most part, there stuff that's, you know, in the in the assembly line before, you know, if I have something late at night, there's a lot of stuff that are coming to the end of the train station, say to me. So I still metaphore today.


See what I mean when I talked about how you sitting there and the first words out of your mouth is, you know, I'm saying no. I mean, no, we don't you ain't say anything yet.


I don't know what you're saying and I don't know what you mean or what you mean or if our talk popped up. I still think that. That probably wouldn't apply to me. OK, so you're saying for you mornings are not as bad? Oh, mornings are fairly benign. Yeah, you. Yeah, if I'm going to go, you know, I'll have one. You know, sometimes the early afternoon ones or sometimes the early evening ones, too.


Can be. Can be. You know, for some reason that that that's a period sometimes when I can, you know, the time that I farted in the movie theater, the whole row behind me moved. I thought about that.


Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure they just got up and left. It was the least, so I've I've left the movies with you before.


That's true. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah. You looked at me. Yeah. Yeah. But you came back you did come back after you know, you came back.


I came back. I did come back and I drove that night. So you came back.


I've left hotel rooms that you were in before. Yes. Yes. I've seen you. I've seen you go down to. Downstairs to, you know, whatever, just kind of get some air outside and. But if you had a good hotel that's got a good ventilation system, that stuff plays out pretty fast. Not true. Not with him, no way. Now, a dad Shites, Dadfar, it's indentured servitude level.


Dads are full of bad smells. There's Dad mouth, all dad Maunsell. Disgusting, horrific. Dad farts linger dad shits.


Dude, my dad takes those morning dumps. The whole fucking house smells like his shit. Yeah. It doesn't go cold.


Boss and beer quobba sausage Ratto.


Touche. I mean, that's a rancid shit.


Yeah. Of course you can smell it. Probably wakes you up. You're like what is that. It would drift. When I was in high school from under the bathroom, I would smell it into my bedroom. The waft, the smell of course dude. Dads, dads are the grossest human beings. Oh.


Oh. All right. Something to keep in mind. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I'm all excited about planning our trip to Canada next summer.


This is a big thing he's been on here and he wants to go on a fishing trip. Hi. How are you guys going to go? I don't know. Somewhere in Canada. Yeah, that'll be fun. We'll have a good time if you go up there and and that's way up there. But I figure if I don't do it now, we'll never do it. Yes, that's true. So we'll definitely know that will definitely be something that you know.


Yeah. You know, we'll see some bears. Well, two of you, you know. And I can it is a pretty country. Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful. I love going. It really is. It's a. It's amazing how how attractive and diverse candidates and the east and the West, hopefully when we're up in Canada, we'll see some road, too, you know what I mean?


Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. That'll be great. But some Canadian. Some Canadian persay.


Yeah, you know, I haven't you don't see a lot of blonde as a candidate.


Oh, yeah, you do. I mean, you really I mean, they have they have the full variety. Sure. Yeah.


Oh, the gentleman prefers blondes. I see. I guess so. I guess so. Yeah. Like father. Like son.


Not to mention Vietnam when he was have been a dry dash. Not a fun time. Dry time for him. Blondes over there. Shit buddy.


By the way, this just reminds me so many people think it's I'm saying roast beef all the time. It's roast beef, the v e beaver road beef and not road beef.


The funniest thing about that call and you're saying road beef is I could have sworn Topdog heard that and it didn't register, but he just tried to play it off. Right. And then later on, circles back, he's like, oh, yeah, I'd love to see some Canadian blonde. So it's like, oh, he read you 100 percent.


Oh, my God. Unbelievable. That guy really likes talking about shit if you haven't. I mean, it has since infected me, you know, like I talk about it, but I think you can like if you were going to do a study on me and you're like, what's the Orridge?


Why is he like this is like, look at look, I was raised you know, I'm just lucky that he wasn't like an abusive asshole.


It's just wanted to talk about taking a dump all the time.


All right. So now we're we're jumping a little further ahead into some video era stuff. I don't know, three thirty nine. This is the episode we're going to jump into. I'm guessing I'm probably 50 pounds heavier. This episode had to call with my dad where he talks about having a squirter and it gets on the bedspread because I as I recall, he was just like, I got some shit on my on the sheets, on the bed. And I was like, what?


And then I want to say he's like, you just you can just flip the. The cover over and you know what, to worry about it like you don't want to get out of bed and clean everything.


So here it is from Episode three. Thirty nine, Topdog and his shit, the sheets. Hello. Hey, Dad.


Hey, buddy. How's it going, man? Good, good.


Hey, I know I didn't really a chance to talk to you, but Saturday morning I was sitting in our kitchen and we're having a little breakfast. And actually Christina went to use the bathroom. And while I was in the kitchen, I went to fart and it was just all water that came out of me.


Oh, shit. That happened to me. Then I. In bed. In bed. Yeah. Didn't I tell, you know.


Oh, I had a I had a squirter in bed and got on the bedspread and I had to.


Oh yeah. You know. Hey wait a minute.


Were you in bed like going ready to go to sleep now.


Just lying and watching an afternoon TV show, you know, what were you wearing was kind of in a I had my boxers, but I was kind of a weird positions on my boxers were, you know, and were kind of like, yeah, you know.




And it kind of some got on my underwear, but some squirted away. Oh my God. There's like a like a spray.


I had five, five or six on on the bedspread so I had to take the bedspread off and put it in the wash away.


Now how come you didn't think it's just a little bit of shit because one time you sure it's not just a miscalculation on my part?


Now wait, did you so you thought you were farting, you thought I'd just be a fart ISIS fighter for sure. Did you did you push kind of aggressively? No, no.


That's what got me. Didn't it? Just kind of you know, I mean, I knew it, you know, you kind of gave it that little last minute nudge, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


And how how much was it? Because it sounds like sounds like a lot.


Well, there's a lot more. I didn't realize it would seem like a little heart attack and a lot more there, you know. Yeah. And this body, you know, was in tons of body after they had to change their underwear and Senzo. Oh, yeah.


So you had to go wash that bedspread, the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. Did she did her. Yeah. Did you tell Charlie what happened.


I didn't. So it next day and then she wanted out but the bedspread was doing in the washing machine. I said what happened. She said what did you clean the spots before. You know, I just put it in there. Oh it'll get all over everything. That's what the rinse cycle. Is this the way how did you tell her? How did you tell her what happened? Like, what's the way you tell her that?


Oh, by the way, I had a little bit of a thought as far as an of came blasting out, so I got it on the back burner to watch the best of it.


Did you think about it? Well, you know, she doesn't really like to engage in this kind of conversation. Yeah, yeah.


You know, I mean, so didn't you tell me I get that you had one the other day.


You said that, like it really curled up into the toilet or something. I had I had the look like a snake the other day. Yeah, yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. I mean, it looked like a rattler with no rattler, you know. Yeah. Just kind of coiled up inside and whatever else. Let me tell you what happened today. I came back to the office. The other two out of five and then got out of the car, shut the door and was off.


When I came back an hour and a half later, the smell was still in the car. I couldn't believe it.


Oh, that is really something you think about it.


There's no you know, nothing no air can get in the car. So you're going to be trapped if they're trapped. Yeah. It was, you know, kind of settled down a little bit. You know, it's like somebody smoked a cigarette in the car. You can tell they were smoking.


I think you have more intense parts than most people know.


I do. I do. And I've modified my diet lately. You know, I'm on this eating fish every day, catch shrimp and orange roughy trying to lose some weight. And so I'm off to red meat. And of course, that immediately, immediately changed the texture and and the smell and everything changed.


Yeah, I'm kind of surprised, honestly, that you washed the sheet only because you told me real clearly one time that, you know, when you started a little bit in your pants, I said, don't you want to put those down?


You said your quote was, it's just a little bit of shit where your mother has to sleep on the backstretch spot there. So you know what I mean. I could if you were alone, you wouldn't have watch it.


I just would have followed the bedspread over, covered it up. OK, this way nobody could tell. OK, yeah.


Because you have also you have like the if you're going to work out, you have kind of that underwear policy where even if it has a little brown string, you can you can put them inside out. Right. Yeah I do that.


Yeah. Yeah sure. Anything that's kind of gross. Well no, because I'm an environmentalist, I'm kind of, you know, trying to save on water, you know, because I saw a chocolate stain on one and you just put them inside out.


Oh yeah.


That's true. That's true. I've done that before. Yeah. Because I'm too lazy to just get inside. You know, when you go to the gym, it's going to get dirty and everything. So they just go all the way.


Do you know what level of barbarian you are for doing that? Like that is really, really horrendous. No, no, no. Just Charlo. No, you do that.


No, no, no, no, no. Right now, there are certain there are certain things, you know, this business where you need to tell your wife, you know, we're alive, we're going to share everything with each other. Yeah. Some things you I just don't want to share with women. And it's not about other women, let me tell you.


Yeah. I mean, I got to say, though, nothing excites me more than the possibility of mom hearing that story, just to see her level of disgust would be hilarious. It would be amazing. Really amazing.


She thought she actually said one time, I don't know where I met you.


That's hilarious, man.


Do you remember your your movie theater for. Oh, those are my proudest moments, was that you think a meat related fart, you know, I think it was just eat a lot of stuff, probably.


I think it was a holiday fart because, you know, yeah, those are a lot of holiday food.


And in the people in the AMC theater, people sitting right behind me a lot longer. I mean, they packed up and moved five seats over. Yeah, no kidding. I'm not exaggerating. Do not exaggerate. Yes. Yeah. That's kind of gets kind of gave it that, you know, a little notch on my belt. Look, you know what I mean.


Mm hmm. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was really something we looked at. I'll give you a call a little bit later, ok.


OK, bye bye bye.


You don't want to do what I have to do, which is shave my head every few days. That's why I look like this. Because I waited. I waited when I should have acted.


I don't want you to do be the same position that I'm in. 66 percent of men start to lose their hair by age 35. And once you've started notice thinning hair, it can be too late. That hairline slowly starting to move backwards and bald spots. Yet the best way to prevent more hair loss is to do something about it. While you still have some go to forums, dot com, a one stop shop for hair loss, skin care and sexual wellness for men.


It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair.


There are no snake oil pills or gas station supplements. These are prescription solutions backed by science. No more awkward in person. Doctor visits are long pharmacy lines today. Hims is giving you their best offer. Yet if you're not happy with your results after ninety days, hymns will give you a full refund. And right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free.


Go to forums dot com mom. That's for dot dotcom mom. Prescription products require an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine if prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply see website for full details and important safety information. Remember, that's for him.


Dotcom Mom. Hey, it's a new year, finally.


So let's try to start it off. Right. If trying to save some extra cash is on your mind, think about reshaping your home and auto insurance rates with policy genius. You could save up to one thousand fifty five dollars per year with help from their licensed experts. Think about what you could do with the money you save. You could invest it, buy something, put it in a savings account, whatever you want. The possibilities are endless. Here's how it works.


First, you head over to Policy Genius Dotcom. Answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property. Then policy genius does the rest. They'll compare rates from over thirty top insurers from progressive the nationwide. If only the lowest quotes and they're licensed experts will look at the ways, the best ways to maximize your savings, including bundling your home and auto policies. If they find a better rate than what you're currently paying, they will get you switched for free.


That's the kind of service that has earned policy genius a five star rating across six hundred reviews. If you're a homeowner, make twenty twenty one the year you save up to 1055 dollars by simply reshaping your home and auto insurance. Just go to policy genius Dotcom to get started right now. Policy genius when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right. Well, there you go.


Sometimes you shit the sheets. What are you going to do? Um. Yeah, I mean, and by the way, we're skipping multiple episodes as we do this, there's just too many of my dad and they're almost all about shitting. Um, this is this has my other favorite line of my dad, which is him laughing at Lake Street jokes.


And we discovered this, that he really, really I mean, I, I remember this as a kid and then. I think as an adult to process it, it was ridiculous, but the way he laughs at blond jokes and Pollit and he thinks like those old school jokes are just the best. One time I went to lunch with him and an old friend like my dad's now 72, 73. This but this would have been when he was like, let's say, I don't know.


Sixty seven, and this guy was like 85. And we sit down for lunch and the guy starts, tell me he's like joke book jokes. He's like 85 years old. So I'm doing like polite laughter and stuff. And he's like, let's hear some of yours. And I go, What do you mean? He's like, let's hear your jokes like that. Like, Oh, no, I don't. I don't have, like, you know, how many Pollak's does it take?


And he was like, what do you do? I year, like your dad said, you're a comedian. I was like, well, yeah, but do you think that comedians do that?


And he's like, yeah, like oh, I got I he literally was like, I don't understand what you do though, but my dad just loves the blonde jokes. Dumb blonde jokes, man. And if you see him and you bring it up, he'll tell you the same three over and over and over. And so this call, we get some some jokes and also, uh, we get a little war talk.


Well, Topdog War Talk, which is his other favorite, Lahn, let's, uh, let's get into it. Episode 358.


Hello, Charo. Yes, hi.


It's your son, but this is the funniest thing your fire was going to answer settlement. I want broke that course. Let me answer. I was the first and I want to say I look for almost broke you. Oh, I'm glad you didn't tell me you were still me.


Hey, can you turn down that TV for a second? Can you turn on your TV?


All right.


Hey, I need to ask Dad something real quick. Can you pass me? OK. OK.


OK, thanks so loud. Why is it so loud. Hey buddy. Hey, what's up Dad.


Oh, just are watching the Olympics. Yeah. Good time and fun. Oh yeah.


It's amazing how how great the Americans are doing and how poorly the Chinese are doing relative to their population. Yeah, well, but they did pretty good. Chinese did really well. And when they had the Olympics there were. But, you know, they haven't seen feeder's is what you're saying, right?


Well, you know, I think that the the cheaters really turned out to be the Russians. You know, they banned a hundred and some odd Russians. Yeah. The entire weightlifting team and all. But I think there are one or two track and field people. Wow.


That's pretty significant. Hey, how many people you think you killed overall?


Well, Roland, you know, I'm not really sure I mean, that was not really sure.


Do you have a guess, like a rough guesstimate? Oh, probably three, really, what really maybe that's maybe why not more?


Well, officers do most of the you know, you do you basically control the artillery and stuff. And so sometimes, you know, and your troops do most of the shooting.


But when you've talked about you said it's like a euphoric feeling, like the best thing is killing the enemy. You experienced that first hand. Well, you know, I don't like to you know, that's not something that I really would ever want to talk about publicly.


OK, well, let me ask you this. You like jokes, right? I love jokes, OK. So I wanted to read some jokes to you and talk and you tell me what you think of these jokes, OK?


How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? I love blonde jokes, by the way. I don't know, it has a stamp on it.


I love it. I love those jokes.


Oh, I you a little project. OK. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? I don't know if there's a white out all over the monitor. Oh, I got one for you, too.


OK, go go ahead. Go ahead. OK, this plant is sitting at a bar in Chicago watching this one of these bars where they had the TV behind the bar and there's some guy up on the ledge getting ready to jump. So this this guy sat down next to her and he says to her, this is the six o'clock news. And he says, I bet you he jumps in the bar. I bet you drink. He doesn't. And all of a sudden.


The guy jumps and so are the guys at the blind says, I guess, or you're 20 dollars. And he said, no, I really can't take the money because I saw it on the five o'clock news in the Blanches. So did I. But I thought he might change his mind.


Oh, I think that's hilarious.


Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, that's so funny.


You imagine. Yeah, that's funny.


Oh, how do you draw how do you draw on a blonde. You have to stand in the shower for a long time. No, I don't know. I'm just guessing. I don't know. OK, just go how you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.


That's funny. That's why, I guess.


What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? I don't know. Look, they spelled Macey's wrong. That's funny. Yeah, I got one more blind drunk for it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Please keep it coming. OK, so this line, she was going to go from New York to Europe to London, so she just came on board and she sat in first class without a first class ticket.


And listeriosis, I'm sorry, miss, but you're not allowed you have to go back in, coach, she says, I'm blind, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London in first class. The students never had anybody talk to her like that. So she went to get the co-pilot, came out and miss got to go to the back of the coach with everybody else, you know, on our first class ticket. She goes and blonde and beautiful and very busty.


As you can see. I'm going to London first class. Well, the co-pilot here know what to do, so he goes out and tells the captain, the captain does. Don't worry, I speak blunt. Jackson goes back with. She pops up and runs back in the couch and the other said, What did you say to her? I told her that only coach is going to London.


How they get to Larry. Yeah, that's good.


Tom Broad, can you imagine? Do you think the airplane you know, the Devizes here and they had the. Yep. Yeah.


It's really funny, actually.


I love that joke. Yeah, that's a good point. I just sometimes I just tell jokes to myself to make myself laugh. Oh my God. Really.


Oh yeah. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. Oh yeah.


Yeah man that's a lot. I can see a broad doing that though you know. I could.


Yeah. The other kind of jokes I like. I like, I like Polish jokes.


Yeah. Who does. Yeah sure. These two pilots are driving down from Cincinnati to Miami everyday, identifying 75. They saw a sign that says clean restrooms out. Yeah. So the time they got to Miami, they cleaned 150 maniacs.


That's good. That's good.


Hey, you know what? The work, you know it. The world's shortest book is what? Polish war hero. I read that one.


Yeah, the Hungarians. You Russians. Why do why do blondes wear panties? I have no idea. They keep their ankles warm. Oh, yes. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I love this. I love my jokes.


Hey, where do you look for for blondes? Obituaries. In the sports page now under home improvements.


Yeah, that's that's really funny.


Huh? Huh.


That's pretty good, man. Yeah. You know, it's you know, if you know, you don't do any one liners like this for.


This is some good stuff here, buddy. Um, I love you know, I'm kind of trying to think some other blonde jokes. You caught me off guard here, but I remember one time I just I Googled blonde jokes at work.


Yeah. Yeah.


And what about the 20 or 30?


So you think I should do these have to start doing it on stage? No, I actually I think you're much better doing what you do, really. And because you tell a story, you captivate. Okay. You know, the trouble with the with the short joke is joke's over.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.


You know, when you do the stories like you do it. Yes. The sense of anticipation, you know, it's like jumping out of an airplane, you know, with no parachute.


Let me tell you some of some other ones I've been thinking up. Um, okay. How do you sing a Polish battleship? You could just say how you don't have to actually try to answer that, it's just a joke. I have no idea.


Yeah, you put it in water, you know.


You know how you see how this one goes. Yeah. You know what? You know what? These two polities, two Pollak's, decided to bury their father at sea. Yeah, he was. And they both drowned in his grave.


That's good. That's good. Why did the why did the pullout cross the road? Because he want to get to the other side. No, he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.


Well, I'm glad you really enjoy. Now I know how to cheer you up if you're ever in a bad mood.


Jesus, all I have to do, I'm never really in a bad mood. That's true. That is true. I just you know, all I have to do to entertain myself, actually, is think about all your childhood experiences with me.


Oh, Dad, let me I got you one more here. How do you know if you're in front of a Polish firing squad? The guns are faced at the dad, dad, dad, do you not understand how these jokes work? You're not supposed to actually try to answer them.


It's just set up.


OK, I give up privacy rights.


Are you out?


OK, well, you know, you're standing in front of a police firing squad. They are standing in a circle.


Yeah, I heard that one before. Yeah, that's a funny one actually. Yeah, that's a funny guy.


That is funny. Yeah.


Who. How do you get a pole lock out of a bathtub. I don't know, you throw in a bar soap. It's. OK, what do Pollak's used Cheerios for that what you Pollak's use Cheerios for? I don't know, doughnut seeds, doughnut seeds. Oh, my gosh, I love it.


Oh, I got a good one for you. It's an Olympic theme. What do Pollak's do with all their gold medals? They don't have any no weapons. Again, like again, it's just set up a joke.


I don't know, OK, they go home and get them bronzed aspirin.


That's funny. Yeah, that's funny. All right. Oh, yes.


This is one of the best conversations of my life.


I love just laughing, Tommy. I know that it's I do enjoy that. Um. All right. I'll give you a call here in a little bit, OK? I got to run for my buddy buddy. Buddy guy.


Amazing guy. I love him. I love him. So happy that that makes him so happy. All right, we're going to jump to an episode now 464 that has a prank call, so this isn't called my father, but it's a call that the great Bart Simpson, who has done amazing, we've shown you how amazing this guy. He's so talented. So here's a prank call that Bart Simpson did with top dog as the caller. So let's.


Let's listen to it. It's going to go, hey, man, my name's Turse. Do you have a second I need to ask you a few questions. What's your question there? We'll come to you guys. She's over there for your truck. Nuts.


I'm not following you around here.


You're and poly sulfide that could put on skin.


You know, I couldn't tell you because I don't do that. You you know, I don't know what they're made out of. Let me see if it even tells me in my computer system. Ah, but but those coconuts, I could you know, it's hard to say, but let's see here. I'm here in my own garage trying to make my custom Froot Loops and my daddy's bat pass away. You got too much longer live. So it's been a big fan of truck nuts here.


And I figured the best way to commemorate him answer remember what an awesome man he was was just get a nice casten of his balls, right?


Well, I'm not sure. Joe speakerphones. I got my hands full over here. This is my dad taught everybody stuff. So how are you doing? I'm doing a fantastic.


Can I bring up a question here that I have on my mind? Well, those boobs are really gigantic.


If you Google boobs will find some big boobs, OK, there's anything but a large looks at me size slobbers. Those are very rare for small business.


Bad smells terrible. We all have our own fingerprint in the intestines.


Hey, Daddy, we're that time you took a dump on top of that shit pile of the backyard. Oh, I remember that.


And I enjoyed it.


There you go. That's an 18 wheeler joke there. He and my lady have a ship going out the back yard over the past year now. Yeah, it was gigantic. That's why they make those big, newer things. Just scoop them up and then you get them. You get one of those little records in little wagons that they use the whole that shit away. Oh, gee, for again, I can't help it.


I just it's always spontaneous. Spur of the moment. His balls are hanging through the hammock there, the big bowl of plaster. So that's one way of hanging around town.


Oh, it's an interesting spot, this polyurethane. But there you are, even either like this river is the healthiest truck. Let's work out. I think I'm all persued making one for women. You be the first women drive trucks to you. Miles will hit both sides of the market, you know. Yeah, I don't know.


How are you going to make those for that? But that be a good one. I'm thinking about doing truck cuts for ladies.


Start making truck labia for my grandma.


Well, that's how you're going to have to make the plastic balls and make that work and. Well, I got to hit it, buddy. Thanks for all the help there. But you guys have a good one.


Wow, that was pretty great. That's another fart Simpson classic man, my daddy and truck nuts. Um, he's going to make truck hunts for ladies.


And I love that he used he actually used the, um, the time like from the call where my dad was like just the way I breathe when I was like, stop fucking breathing into the phone.


It's just the way I breathe. No, it's not. Why can't well, like, why can't you just go like that, because you know that you're doing with your nose, so just like move the mouthpiece down just the way I breathe. OK. All right, thanks, Ben. Um. Anyway, he's the best. I love him. This is our special Topdog pared down episode.


This could have gone on and on and on and on.


So hopefully this the next time we record will be together, right? Or no.


I mean, hopefully, you know, if Christina doesn't break half of her body, I think you should be able to it up the calendar here. There's a good chance.


Yeah. That we could all come in together, not be pretty great unless something fucked up happens.


What are you guys at this rate?


Anything's possible if you get shot, robbed, beaten, stabbed. I don't know. You know.


Well, you're really putting it out there. Well, something terrible like that happens.


And then we'll show my murder video at the next. Yeah, I've.


I've changed. What do you mean?


I have changed? In what sense? Since my injury, I, I view tragedies and human suffering in a completely different light.


Please explain that because I, I've seen if anything you've only doubled down on it.


In what way. Well, I sent you a real fun video over the weekend. Yeah. And then you responded with. Oh so this is what we're doing now. We're sending videos to each other that we know the other one won't like.


And I was like, oh, my God, which one did you send? I sent you the video with the two fingers that, like, you think it's like, oh, this guy is on vacation and pretty soon you're going to see he's going to, like, hang out with his wife or whatever and just goes, oh, yes, to the chicks.


Yeah, yeah. And he just his fingers are everywhere and then all over the world. And then they're in a girl's asshole.


Mm hmm. Yeah. I thought that was really cool. I thought that make you laugh. It did make me laugh.


Oh the way it read to me is that it made you mad. Fuck no. You were like, fuck you. You know what?


Here's a murder of it, you know?


And I did not send you a murder video. Right.


You you threatened to I threatened to show you somebody getting very severely hurt, but not a murder video. That's different. And I enjoyed your video. It made me laugh.


Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, all right. Yeah. Yeah.


I was just like I think I think I'm playing stupid games and I'm going to get a stupid prize. Well, sir, not at all. Seeing someone die.


You've seen the last person ever get hurt on this show with me playing, you know, I mean, seeing someone suffering. And I'm just kidding. Yeah.


Yeah. I was just like, what's the show going on? No, no, no, no. We'll get into you know, we'll get into more severe injury stuff next week. And I've had I've had some things sent to me that are pretty gruesome that I'll I'll show you first. Tell me if you think it's right for the show.


You know, it's really cool, man, is that this culture that you're creating is now bleeding into the rest of the office. My other group chats I mean, Chris could tell you were in a group like and he's now sending death videos also. He's just like, look, this is funny, right? I like what it's like. I can't get away from where it's coming from every angle that makes me happy.


I thought it would be great. Yeah, but I mean, the finger thing, I love that thing. Send me stuff like that all the time.


Oh, okay. All right. Cool. And you won't retaliate with sending now death videos.


I don't even have death videos, man. I really don't. I don't.


You just said you went through a whole bunch.


They're not death videos. Oh okay.


Severely injured videos.


Just like somebody fucking getting run over by a car and then getting like flipped five times before he hits. Yeah, I don't like those. Do you mean either.


I don't like it at all. Not anymore.


No, actually. Like how, how has this changed for you. Like after seeing your video, like, are you able to, like, detach yourself enough to at least think it's funny?


Well, here's the thing. I you know, I've always explained that there's that it might sound weird to people that it's but that it's a very gray about like what I like or laugh at, you know, I never liked or or could even tolerate sports injuries on, you know, ESPN or what. Like when I remember like being a kid. Tim Crameri in the Super Bowl, I remember Willis McGahee in the national championship game and like knee kind of shit like crazy.


I was not like I was like little like I, I couldn't watch that shit at all.


Even Dak Prescott earlier this year, those those types of injuries don't that's not the kind of thing that I laugh at. And, you know, somebody hears that from me, like, well, I saw you laugh at this other thing. Like, yeah, but it's a different thing. I mean, they're not the same thing. So, I mean, do I think that, like, my video is hilarious? Not really.


But I, I appreciate that. Like, it's got to make some people laugh for sure. So.


So you don't think that your video is hilarious. But let's say, for example, if a helicopter started landing in the middle in the middle of your video and then a blade went to your head, you'd be like, no, I get no, that's fine.


I'd be like that. Shouldn't be in the gym, first of all. And you know, no, I mean, like my video, my video there is there is like a laughable element to it for a second.


I think, like if we were we don't have right now. But like, if we were breaking it down, I would tell you what part I find funny. And then and then I then I'm just like, oh, it's kind of gruesome, you know, it's kind of gruesome.


So, yeah, half your body break bending in the wrong direction. There's a part of it that I think is particularly gruesome. But again, like, I appreciate that that that might be someone's favorite thing.


You know, they might they might laugh. I mean, I know it's going to get so many meme treatments and like, you know, funny videos made from it, like it's just going to happen. That's pretty cool.


Yeah. I mean, it's I don't I don't like I'm not emotional about the injury, if that makes sense. I'm not like, oh my God, you know.


Right. You don't relive it whenever you see it. No, no. I mean, to me it's like I don't know, I can get very philosophical about it. It's it's, it's been um.


It's been like a really I don't know, like eye opening experience, you know, like and I've I've appreciated different things since it's happened in a lot of different ways. Like, you know, I appreciate like the fact that. Could have been worse. Um, you know, I appreciate my own mobility much more. I got a lot of help from a lot of people yourself and like so like, you know, I have a lot of gratitude.


You know, it's not like that at all around.


Horrible thing. I mean, on paper, it's a pretty bad thing and it's fucked up my month and my life a lot. But it's ultimately not a terrible thing, you know.


Oh, so you're like one of your takeaways is just like it helped you to learn how to appreciate other things more.


You know what, it did it it made me live like three, six, five, I live like three, six, five. Yeah, that's what the. I'm told I'm totally in now on Live Life three, six, five, work hard, play hard. I mean. That's how I feel now. So, yeah, um, hopefully we're back here having fun as a big fam next week. All right. Uh, thank you guys for watching, for listening.


Sorry about the, um, you know. One hand. See you next week. Oh, fuck me. I feel so good. Oh, fuck me. I feel so good. I received another poster in the mail today. A banner poster.


Oh, fuck me. I feel so good. I received another poster in the mail today. A banner poster. You can see. Bayonet his ass. Oh, fuck me. I feel so good you can see bayonet his ass. Oh, fuck me. I feel so good about. Before you want to have your cell phone with your partner or whatever you do, you can see bayonetted as you be so this morning that you will not want to come.


Trust me, Morsi is your man, her tits. Oh, fantastic. I certainly wouldn't mind tasting her magnificent as you can see, bayonet.


I could see it was yummy, her tits. Oh, fantastic. I certainly wouldn't mind tasting her magnificent ass. I'm going to put this in your mouth and you're going to have to run. Oh, fuck me. I feel so good. The cool guy, Claire.