590 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom SeguraYour Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
- 1,551 views
- 10 Feb 2021
SPONSORS: - Get started for FREE at https://www.peacocktv.com/ and start streaming today - Go to https://www.expressvpn.com/YOURMOM to get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free - Get 25% off and zero delivery fees on your first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH - Start buying and selling when you download Mercari today from the App Stores or at https://www.mercari.com/ - Get 50% off one item, and 10 FREE items by using offer code YMH at http://adamandeve.com/ - Head to https://www.policygenius.com/ to save up to $1,055 per year on your home and auto insurance rates WOULD YOU DATE YOUR MOM?? Tom Segura and Christina P start off this episode of Your Mom's House by discussing Tom's hair transplant, the five love languages, girls Tom was with in college, and how somebody died in the old YMH studio. They watch videos of a a big word anthem, people pointing out personal privilege in socialist convention, a Scottish Fedsmoker, The King's response to CP accepting his date offer, the Live Life 365 guy's flossing tutorial, a golf cart accident, a round of CP's TikToks, and more! They also revisit classic Salome voicemails, and play a new one!
If you missed the live show, you can still watch it go to live streams, that's why Image Studios, Dotcom and watch the most fun that I've had in a while with Burt Krischer and Warren Sapp. We partied. We laughed. Check it out. You're the buzzed head.
Yeah, but I grew some out in the back that I wasn't telling people about. They took that. They did chest hair. You know, there's arm hair. There's all different hairs from my body. That's why the color is so unique.
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I'm your mom. You're my son. I'm your mom. I asking with you. I asked you to get your mom. Yes, I would. You're my son. I'm your mom. It's just like the game is just like this. It's just it's just like the game.
I looked at her and she looked at me just like the game. Once someone calls me mommy, I mean. All consenting adults asked them, will you? I asked you, I looked at her and you look at me and you're my son. I'm your mom. Just like the game. Just like just just like the game. I saw you. I saw you. You were just like the game.
What's up there, Jamal?
A That's one of my all time favorite songs by Deejay Boy Buttar.
I forgot how alarming that sketch was. That video.
Yeah. It's not a it's true news while that's someone's reality.
Yeah. Especially now having two sons. It hits different as the kids say. Yeah.
This the songs are a different shout out to Uncle Murder and not in a good way.
No, I know. I don't mean that in a good way. I know. I know. I'm weird now.
Yes. We have a few weeks off. We're going to get into that. I think it might be obvious if you're watching, but we'll get into that in a moment before we get into differences. Some of the way that I'm feeling and healing and looking, let's do some dates.
Thank you to this is a good jam by odd track numbers. Thank you very much.
I like listening in your instrumental this jam.
Uh, you're going on the road. Yep. I'll be posting at the Post in improv February twenty two twenty seven.
And then I go to Zanies in Nashville, Tennessee, Tennessee, March 11 through 13th and then the gym Funnybone April 9th through 11th tickets actressy Nipe online dot com. I'm sorry I said that.
Ron htp colon backslash w w w dot dot.
Christina Parminder, thank you. That's the correct way to go about a web website.
Um, I'm on the road. Uh, go to Times Square dot com, check out my tour page. I know that, um all the stuff sold out so you can look at that. Uh, I have some stuff coming up, I think in the summer that you can get tickets to where you can wait and then tell me that you waited too long. That's fine, too. That's fine. When they're like, I waited and waited. Okay, I told you fools.
So you can do that. But thank you to everybody that got tickets. I really appreciate it. We're very excited to get back out there on the road now. I think we should probably do the opening clip and then address everything, you know.
Did you OK, I mean, did you want to mention the two bears, Randall?
Oh, yeah. If you missed it live, you can still go to the same site live streamed out. Why Image Studios dot com. It's available for a week. It's Bert Krischer, myself and Hall of Famer Warren Sapp. Yes, we watch the game and we talked an incredible amount of shit. We had a lot of fun, a lot of laughs. And, uh, there's a lot of extra content that we shot in there. Some stuff that is not allowed on the interweb.
Anyway, uh, let me get this hair off your shoulder.
There's so many. Oh, thank you. It's kind of a new burden. I have OG.
Making me crazy. Um, anyway, let's do the opening clip and then we'll get into all the details. Can't wait to tell people and share them, share with them. You look so young.
Feel like it. It's I feel like it. I really got my mojo back. Were you born in the 90s? Yeah, a long time ago. So without further ado. I am on Edward. Oh, I am on F word to I am on Edward f for. C word and I'm coming for you. So you're not lonely.
Who is Randy in a. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom, Cipora and Christina. Yeah, yeah. I love Madonna, so, so sweet, such a team player, he he bobs to the song every time.
Yeah, he really gets into it, though. I feel it's sincere. I feel like it, too. He loves it. Could be the song. Could be that it's Black History Month. I don't know.
Oh, I feel like I've had the same level of excitement this month and all other months. Oh OK.
Racist do better. You're supposed to say this month makes you happier. You said that this month makes you feel worse because it's Black History Month and you hear him say that.
I mean, look to the right way being an asshole. He's. I'm not that was super dismissed, so disrespect you're talking to. I'm offended now.
Welcome to a lot of people are probably like, uh, are you 25 now? So we did take a few weeks off in order to organize like this is recorded. There's a gap. That's why we weren't sure when things happen, you know, let's just get out of the way. I had hair transplant procedure done. Um, I've never felt better. I feel like it looks so good. Reclaimed my spirit, my energy, my, my, my, my only so active with me.
Your erections are even harder now and here. I didn't think they could get harder and now they're even better.
And I got to tell you something. People are noticing my erections. Yeah. On the street when I went to the grocery store, you know, just pick up some stuff. And I had a bunch of people. Go like that, yeah. And then I was like, what? And they go, Are you hard right now? I was like, I guess so.
But you're not even noticing. I'm not even noticing because you're so youthful and vital.
Yeah. Wow. And for those wondering. Yes, it's my own hair. Yes, I can shampoo with it. I can swim with it in style it I can run my fingers through it. You can pull it. It's mine and I feel alive. So it looks so good. It feels right.
As a woman who's looked at you for the last 15 years, I can honestly say this is the best you've ever looked. Thank you. And I'm so much more attracted to you. Thank you. And I love the color you chose.
I got to tell you, two people are like, you know, is it. Economical, no. Was it expensive? Yeah. Do you want me to tell them how much I mean, I don't want to make people uncomfortable. You know, it was forty two thousand dollars.
And, you know, when you think about the joy it's going to bring you. Yeah. And the joy brought me. Mm hmm. It's worth every penny.
You only live once, Tom. You really do. You really do. And they took hair from everywhere though. People are like, but you're the buzzed head. Yeah, but I grew some out in the back that I wasn't telling people about. They took that. They did chest hair. There's pubic hair in here. There's leg hair, you know, there's arm hair. There's all different hairs from my body.
That's why the color is so unique. And I feel like a million bucks and I'm getting attention from everywhere, men and women are looking at me like you look good men.
And I got to tell you, my confidence is through the roof.
My self-esteem. I just I didn't even think it was low. Now I realize that what you have is now it's fucking sky high.
You know what's neat, though? You said they took the hair from all the different regions and then did they tie it one color?
That was a personal choice. That was a choice where I told them, you know, I'd like to do something a little different to introduce new time to the world.
Right. Because then a lot of ways you could be like, oh, your hair. It's just I was like, yeah, but there's a new me. It's like a new you. I kind of feel like when Stella got her groove back.
You are Stella. Stella.
Well, what's cool about them using your real pubic hair, your real leg here is that it has a natural curl in it and they maintain that curl.
Most importantly, there's a story because one of the things that Dr. Morrison said to me was, you're going to have to come up with your own narrative. And I really took that to heart. And I was like, who am I? And what's the story?
No, you know, like we're doing red tabletop. Mm hmm. Hmm hmm.
Tell me, Tom, what was your story? I am my own man. I am in charge of my life that is so deep.
I make my decisions. I decide when to buy a yacht. I live on it for the rest of my life. Wait, what? I'm just going to I didn't say anything about then. I think forty two thousand was a lot to spend on the hair. I thought we were stopping there.
I leased the helicopter. What I'm leasing a helicopter for what? I'm learning to fly one.
Oh, Christ. Not this again. Yep. What are you doing? I'm taking over my life again. Is this your midlife crisis?
It certainly would be if I wasn't so young.
My hair. What are you doing?
Can we just stop at. We want to defeat capitalism. We are going to need a party that will organize working people to fight for the demands that we want and to win socialism.
Thank you so much.
Quick point of privilege. Quick point of personal privilege. Guys, first of all, James Jackson, Sacramento, he him. I just want to say, can we please keep the chatter to a minimum? I'm one of the people who's very, very prone to sensory overload. There's a lot of whispering and chatter going on. It's making it very difficult for me to focus. Please, can we just I know it's we're all fresh and ready to go, but can we please just keep the chatter to a minimum?
It's affecting my ability to focus. Thank you.
Thank you, comrade. Hi, Tom, she her, um. Do you know that when they're doing this, this it's instead of clapping so that they're not offending people because clapping is an act of violence? What awful camp that you must present medical evidence that you can go to is this what's so horrible?
So this was sent by honorary producer Rob Ilar, friend of the show, host of Pajama Pants podcast, Shout Out. This doesn't even seem real.
And he said that Joe Rogan played this as well in his panic. He was just howling and how absurd this is. This is absurd. It's absurd.
It's absurd. This this is why I understand buying lots of guns.
Like if you're like if you're like a man, don't take my gun.
And then I'm like, all right. But then I watch this. I'm like, you should get a couple guns.
To get a couple, I know what you mean, and you should drive with them, you should keep them in your car when you should get a permit, but if they don't give you one, it's still your right man.
Yeah. Yeah. You mean that was parody? Oh, this is a humorous podcast.
And we're just we're trying to keep this episode up and available.
We want you to be able to watch this beyond the first hour that it's released.
All right, Tom. Yeah. Point of privilege. Yeah. I believe that your new hair confidence is giving you an entitlement. And not only did you have white male privilege before I did, but your hair privilege here. Privilege is real.
It is real because I am walking around with a swagger that I can't even describe to you guys that I mean, everyone here has been pointing it out.
Yeah, well, wait a minute. You have too many privileges.
First of all, you're white, you're male, you've got resources and now you have hair privilege.
On top of that, I think you need to undo your invisible knapsack of privilege and check it check it out the door speaker again.
I'm sorry. Point of personal privilege. Yes. Please do not use gendered language to to address everyone. Point of personal privilege, please do not use your imagination, can you imagine interrupting someone that speaking to like a thousand people to be like, hey, hey, I got a just real quick so that I can tolerate this point of privilege.
This is this is happening happening right now. What if this is what college is like when our kids go be like you're not it's what it's like now.
Apparently when our kids go, this isn't this is National Convention 2019.
I'm assuming this is for like the socialism people, people that are into. So she did say, comrade.
Yeah, they're heavy into this horseshit, which we all know that has worked time and time again. If you want to go to a system that works, it is socialism.
I can't believe she was like, don't interrupt me with that dumb shit look like she was like, oh, yeah, good point.
Well, her face says it all. She's like, really?
Imagine if you just bus them to a comedy show like this whole. They got they got on buses and they just drove them to like the Beacon Theater point to go get your seat.
There would be riots. What happened? He was there was noise. The chatter was in there. And he said he had time and said, you guys, I fucking melted down.
Jesus Christ, these people are these fragile beings are the worst people in society. Don't they all sound totally crazy. Both of the objectors. The point of privileges sounded completely unstable.
You'd imagine if they worked anywhere, like how could they think how could you survive in society the first time you like your everything bothers you.
You're in the break room. And one of them was like, can I, uh, ask you real quick? And you're like, what's up, man? I noticed that you just said, man, it feels like real gender label. Like the fuck are you talking about? You work here.
What the fuck? I noticed there is only two of are two bathrooms, male and female.
Yeah, it's true. It's like they worked here. They'd be like you. Quick point of personal privilege. What's up? Don't make me watch this guy eat shit while I'm eating lunch.
Oh, they wouldn't last a minute at your mom's house studio. Are you kidding me? Literally. I like these guys. No, leave your fucking dumb thoughts. Don't leave it at home because you and I walk in here and we're literally like, what's up, Shlomo's? What's up? FUCKHEADS.
Yeah, yeah. It's pretty cool, right? Yeah. What's up there, Chaumont.
Yeah, that's how we like fire. Look, you didn't follow protocol. That's the vibe here.
Point of privilege, personal privilege. Quick point of personal privilege. You've just ruined your life. See, this is this is why I wish Fed smoker was still alive. You could go here to this convention and ruin their stuff.
Why couldn't he ruin that would be the best piece of tape ever if he just walked up cigarette. And here's the thing. They would walk. They'd be like, let him speak. Let them speak. All right.
Are you fucking Jumbo's? Take a seat, Twink. I'm going to talk.
What's your name? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whang sorry. Twant take a seat. Twant my name's not twant shut up twant.
It's like an hour of him talking, hogging the mic and lighting yourself. Are you talking now. Thank you Conrad.
I'm going to light myself on fire.
Comrade Connell's is here everybody. It's an unscheduled um. Visit from I mean, here's the deal, man, I will say that I understand I think the intent is really it's it's a noble intent to try to be super inclusive. Yeah. But at some point, it's an infinite there's so many people to include like that guy doesn't like loud sounds. Don't clap that guy.
So if you don't like loud sounds, don't go to the conference. But their whole way of thinking is we're going to try and include everybody. Right. And be equal and socialist. It's just really here's what you should do. It'll be infinite. You can't you include everybody, everybody that wants to be at your thing.
That's what you that's included. Everybody's welcome to come here. Who wants to be here? That's true. If you start complaining about the way we're doing things and you don't belong here, get out of my club.
Get out. Get out of here. You know why I'm a fucking American. You fuck.
That's why, comrade. And anyway, sorry that I'm so swaggy, I think it's the new hair, it's your point of personal privilege, your hair privilege and your Brunete privilege. Nobody talks about that.
Hmm. Mm hmm. So how do you show your parents yet? No, I'm taking my time. It's it's a reintroduction.
I'm just taking my time with it, you know, and now you're being honest with it, which is really. Yeah, really. I was just going to be like I was just going to show up to places and be like, what? Oh yeah. I just buzzed it and now I grew it out. But I felt like it was important to tell people that it's from a transplant. Yeah.
You know, I think you're smart people hope because you can't really fool people, like when I just say I had it. And I really appreciate that, that you're so brave. Thank you. And I really don't I don't think it's cool to shame people.
I think I think, you know, hair transplants, by the way, I they pointed out that they think they found the British fat smoker.
No, it's almost equal.
It's almost equivalent to the first I think it was the first video we ever saw. A fat smoker was him walking up higher on the security guard. I remember the guys working and then it's up there.
And he says that to a man doing his job at security.
And I tries to walk and he he's like, how do I fucking get a job here? And the guys like to fuck your man. So this is a Brit here. Same same kind of setup, though.
I me if your video. Yeah, I really love Scottoline. Yeah, it's not just British here, huh? What you did to know legislation, which is stuff for this year, you're always against the law. You don't stop. Do not call the police. They just show me you've been tape pictures of me. Can I see it? You've got to keep your distance possible. I don't come any closer because I'll defend myself. Right. Keep your distance.
Who are you? Why did you live. Who you. You live where you live. Touch.
People want to tell you what they did for fun.
Vibs, I dig this. This is Scotland. That's the Scottish actor. Go on, get away from me face and the coffee going away around, yeah. Are you sick? I don't need to worry. I'm coaching people like you, you Muppet. You hopefully see what they say. They'll tell you to move. And I'm allowed to be. It's not government property, not government property. This is your body. It's not. You should be.
Absolutely will love it.
God too will. Well, it's ok. Top guy want to if he thought it was an easy target didn't you. You come out bossing me about one or two. So that was a big fail.
He turned the word tool into a two syllable word. Yeah. To all too well you know too. Well yeah. I love it. I love it too.
And that's what you should do. You ever see a security guy just doing his job, kind of writing his own business, be like, what's up? How do you get a job here? What are you guys doing in here? I want to film on your property parody.
It's all a joke. I'm not serious. Yeah, you see that? Yeah. That hair is also made you aggressive. Didn't they put you on testosterone. Well, that jump start the hair. Yeah.
You and you're pretty sure you're pretty high in testosterone to begin with.
Yeah. Yeah I feel pretty good. This is amazing.
I wish we could see him. What, what does he look like. The Scottish Fed smoker. Too bad. Yeah. They call him the puff smoker. Tommy, do your best Scottish accent.
Uh, what are you doing here, Iggy. What do you do. Any of my muppet.
Er to a Muppet to you. Well can't see. Well now it's got Scottish. It's tough.
It's terrible. What's a Muppet again. It's like I thought Muppet is like an endearing term for little kids.
No good stuff, no person who is ignorant and generally has no idea about anything.
Yeah. Is the Muppets I thought a Muppet.
A Muppet Muppet. Um yeah. Well let's switch vibes. Something I think that might turn you on a little bit. Sure. Sure. I know your eyes are wandering because.
Not anymore. Not with you and your new hair.
Oh thanks. You know what I do? A girl. I toss her baby. Oh wow. I let down. Yeah, I like that one. My favorite part tossing down to toss and I'm. Tossing them. That's cool. I like how I can see his eyes under his shade.
Yeah, well, they they they they sit on his eyes awkwardly. Why is that? Well, because of his nose. I don't know. Is he too fat?
I think he's man. And they don't like sex back. Yeah. I got one back but I like sex but it back up but. Oh yeah. Is he drunk. My favorite part is permanent.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I just had a couple more beers.
You know what it is. It did. Oh yeah. That's my favorite part.
That's pretty red. That was awesome. You know, what I liked about him is just his straight out there approach. It's as it is straight out there, somebody's mine.
And I like that. It's slow and with purpose. It wasn't suck my dick. It was suck my. So cool. Yeah. Do you think he. Do you think this guy backs chicks. He's telling you about it.
I like sex. Yeah. He gets it. He got this guy. Fuck. Yeah. He fucks hard. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks a lot for your data.
Do you think he loves you. Oh yeah.
He's cool. Do you think after my date with the king I could swing on over this guy.
I'm glad you asked. You accepted a few weeks ago you accepted the offer to go on a date. I did think you were very excited. I caught you masturbating at the show.
Whoa, whoa. What you saw that I did.
I saw you were in the car and you had a little pocket rock and you're like, wow, I'm so embarrassed. I didn't think you saw that. That's why I didn't say anything. I just turned around and walked back in. You just. Oh, wow. Back out. And you were like, oh, sorry, I spilled a gallon of water in the seat.
And I was like, OK, you got me. But anyway, he got word that you accepted.
Yeah. My Christina from your mom's house. I said the name I just want to show and. You accepted my offer for dinner, can't wait to come out. I would love to take you to dinner. If you like, I will take you to the Olive Garden. We can sit and have dinner. Nothing fancy. And you can ask anything you like. Well, we can have a nice dinner and a nice conversation, you get to know what the Kings like.
And if the night's still young, if you would like, we can go do something else. Whatever you want to do, there's a lot of nice parks around the area, or we could just sit outside and talk. I love it. You have a beautiful day, my queen. I can't wait till the snow melts. Oh, I love you, my queen. He loves me already.
Thank you, Tom. And no, she don't have to show her boob. I was very nice.
I'm glad he clarified that. I was a little nervous. Me too. If he wanted to see them boobs. But I'm super excited and I think I haven't been doing all Olive Garden in a while. I think they'll be really nice. You know, they have those endless breadsticks and salad.
And then they do a lot of cool stuff there, maybe we can go for a walk. I like that idea. You know, once the snow melts, you'll be stick in the spring, the flowers will be blooming.
But if you don't come back, what are you talking about? Do you not want me to come back now that you're this new hair guy? I'm just saying, what if you're like, you know what, I'm going to stay in Ohio for a little while, I'm like, OK. And I'm like, you mean you come home Sunday and you're like, next Sunday you're going to stay there a week?
You're like, I don't know, I might go with the king on one of his runs. Going to drive. I've never been in a Mack truck and never done a delivery.
Maybe only good things happen in the cabin of an 18 wheeler. That's what I've heard, but I heard, too, that's what I've heard, too, it might be fun. He and I could go across the country, we could stop at all the different liquor stores. I could check out the lot lizards and every different stop.
Cool. Yeah. Yeah. What if you could, like, help him up his game? Like, three ways style. You could be stopping. What's wrong with that?
I'm not into three ways. I don't like to share my men.
Now seems pretty cool, um, do you guys remember if your hard core jeans super high and tight, you remember that for a long time when Christina switched numbers, she would get random voicemails and a phone call between BMB to the Cassilly down.
You know, the nostalgia shanmugaratnam.
She got calls from a lady thinking that Christina was a woman named Selam who spoke Farsi and these messages were coming nonstop.
Awesome thing is, of course, with so many listeners, we had some of you reach out and you were like, this lady is an animal because you were translating that.
She was like they're like she's using really colorful language for what is clearly an older lady.
You can call me Peanut BMB to Cassidy down. You know, the nostalgia on my. It doesn't look great. Thank you so much.
And there was one time I don't know if this is on here where she left English and Farsi together like that fucking mother fucker.
And then she'd go right in the face of it was it was the bus company would be willing to take the notice for the kid and come back.
Please write little English there. And there was one point where Salomé had a squirrel problem and so that one was great.
This lady said, you need to put plastic bags in trees, in the trees, and then the squirrels won't eat the fruit.
And then I remember I think it was the same voice mail where this guy who was translating all of them was like, you know, she said the equivalent in in Farsi of like those little fuckers, like, fuck that.
And he's like, no, he's like, you do not hear like an older lady.
And it was so fun because it was in Farsi. Yes. So it was such a mystery. Who is Salomé?
Where your salame my. I am celebrating.
Like who really is she and what is she about. Then they stopped and then we stopped.
We got a dozen of these a lot and it was getting really regular, really fun over the course of I feel like three to six months like that was kind of the window, the Salomé times and then it stopped.
And then this weekend. This weekend, a gift. Hi. Good morning.
This message is for Solomon. This is pharmacology.
Regarding to your special order, I think you ordered me I don't want to put it out, but you know, someone still looking for Solomon, well, she's still alive, which is good news.
Yeah. She's taking care of herself and going to Pharmaco. Yeah, good idea.
So she's still kicking and pretty exciting. I'm hoping that there will be more Salomé voicemail's in the future and I'll know when that happened is someone else was a nurse and she would always get a nursing job offers on my line as well. Those aren't as fun as the Saloma is. Know these were just.
Yeah, because they were like, you can get like a nurse. It was a nursing job. Right. This one pays pretty well down in Long Beach.
I was like and then there was another man that had my number two, apparently, and he had a drug problem, remember, and his family, he went he went missing one time and they kept calling me.
And then the drug dealer recalled to me, they got those Barzman if you wanted somebody, they would get taxed that the gas on the sticks on deck.
And then the real problem, it was a wild phone number that I have, apparently.
And then the gambling was up the game. Is that this weekend, if you want to place your bets, I still get those some real pieces of should have your.
No, I go, yeah, I'm going to have to switch that up when we go to teahouse.
Maybe it's time to change, not do it at all if you wanted to know what that facility would say. John Cheshire Cat, the most amazing part of these messages that Christine keeps getting nonstop on her phone to me are that the person who's leaving never hears back from whoever she's contacting. Whoever you're contacting, government hates you like, oh, you just stop. You guys aren't friends. Now, there's there's no love. Their cell mate. I assume you heard from Mrs.
Hecate say a different number. Then you texted from they got your text. That sounds good. Got your text calling because I thought that I should sell my cell mate Salomé Salaman. Let me tell me, tell me tell me the. Tell me, tell me, tell me. The lasers are lasers, 30. So they give you a hard time. I love says it's been they've been on my mind. Hold on. Wait. Shettima needs her medication.
To call you back. She forgot her blood pressure. His situation, he says, may sound, may sound, may sound, sounds, may sound. Salaman says. Let me tell me, tell me, tell me about Ms. Limit, Tony. Sound so good. I miss it, I know. I assume you heard my message. I just know what different. That's Brian Day's solemn song, Amazing. You know what I realized, too, because he's pointing out what we were talking about, which like we texted earlier, and now you're calling the wrong number and you're like, how the fuck did somebody do that?
And then I realize that is what old people do. Like because you know what they don't do save numbers.
Like, I've sat next to my dad and he pulls out his phone and he'll have my phone number typed into the phone. And then you look through his list and it's all digits.
No name say, you know, I mean, oh, I'm like, do you not save the numbers? He's like, what's that? Like, you can just create contact. And he's like, Oh, no, I just I know your number.
I'm like, OK. So I think it makes sense, you know, like it's it's basically that texting. And then when she calls, she's just doing it from memory.
Could be, you know, like or sometimes, you know, when your friend you have the old number and the new number and they're on the same contact.
Yeah. Yeah. And like sometimes it's back to the old one.
But I've seen a lot of older people, just us, the numbers he needs saving it. Does your dad know our numbers. How he knows it's me. Oh I guarantee it, yeah.
Why he might have a few saved but I bet you most of it picks it up and you know one three one.
Oh he's just. That's horrible. Yeah. Horrible. Jesus.
But that's probably better for your memory. I don't even know your number. Like if I were to lose my phone and try to get what done. Hmm. I barely know this address. I don't know where I am. I know.
Well, that is that is like indicative of the time, though, right? Oh, yeah. A kid now doesn't memorize any numbers. Hell no.
Do you know your phone number even. I know my phone number. I know my home number from growing up and that's pretty much it.
Yeah I know. Like yeah. Some childhood numbers that are still in my head, no phone numbers. And then we had a number one time. I can give it out. It's so old. I mean it was a phone number.
No I would always someone else's number now. Yeah. Yeah.
That's a pretty good number sequence though. At least the prefix I can't go for.
I'll tell you that prefix now like the first, like there's the area code and then it. Was the first time and then. It was in the Bangar, it was now I shouldn't give it no, I don't do it now. The last four digits of my number growing up with. And I really like that as well. Yeah, interesting. Well, I'll just tell you it and then I'm like, no, cut it out, blanket up the number with.
Well, that's how great a number is that that's so awesome, your number. That's a pretty great number right now. Yeah, that's like one that's easy to remember. Just like I remember I used to have a friend that was just like, oh, yeah, you got your number. That one's easy.
I call I got a number from somebody one time and it was his number was like, you know, it starts like eight to eight or something.
And then the last four he was like zero zero zero one. I was like, how did that?
Because he was like, oh yeah. Because he knows some people. He's talking to a big phone, big phone.
I'm upset because my current number, the one that the salame, it's such an easy number to it's it's the sequences of sequences that was the emphasis on the wrong syllable right there. Yeah, sure it was.
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Apply it to has good. I found out that I said something else wrong last night. I didn't realize it and no one corrected me here. Uh I said rabble-rouser and it's rabble rabble rouser.
I knew that. Yeah. No one rabble rouser.
Somebody called me. I'd like to think we got you on the on the important ones. That's a pretty big one. Big one.
How often. I don't think you don't. On a scale of one to ten.
How many times do you hear that. And not a lot. Three times to hear one. I hear one the correct pronunciation all the time. One one. Yeah I say one. Yeah.
I saw a clip from Tom Brokaw saying it. So see a clip of Tom Brokaw, NBC's Nightly News anchor.
For about three decades he's had no one. So I was like, that's right. He's going to keep that on my phone. Yeah. Yeah, start setting people. Yeah, they're shaking their head in their obi wan obi wan obi wan Kenobi. Yeah, yeah.
Stupid's again further away from it that people are doing. They're asking me, oh how do you say t o n Tonton. There's a ton of bricks over here. You're so. Stupid. So that's what we're doing now, we're leaving. So and this is my son. I have two sons. Makes sense. What about Tucson, Arizona, to Tucson, you guys just you're not connecting the dots to see any problem out there.
There's no dot Connector's, no dots connected.
It's not like, you know, so now how often you have to maintain your hair.
You have to go. I just live life. I live like three, six, five, like I was doing in my 20s.
You know, it's like three, six, five. Nothing different going on there. It's just living life. And I'm being myself and enjoying myself. And there's really nothing else to say. I can't I can't add anything to that.
Live like three six five. Yeah. Um. So you after we had this conversation last time, every time we come in the studio, I realize lately you have a new memory of horrors that you've slept with and your past like, I swear, you guys, when we're alone together the last 15 years, I'm like, how many women have you been with?
And he just goes, I don't know.
It's like, I don't know. I don't remember.
But it's kind of sad when you think about it. It's kind of honestly, it's kind of sad because the it sounds like I was out there just being a savage, you know, and like I wasn't though. I had, like, huge I didn't I had these are like one most these are one night stands and they're not they're not that memorable. They're not good.
You know, I'll tell you. I'll tell you the worst.
That's good. I'll tell you the worst one. Let me hear the bad stories. All of your stories are hot. This is the worst mistake was giving me a foot job.
I put my finger in our ass and then I had chocolate on my finger and this other girl gave me AIDS in Africa.
And all these are exciting. My stories are not this exciting.
Yeah, those were a couple of good ones. But, um, I'll tell you, I told that one on two.
But I'll tell you this other one, um, I'm saying like how many stories are there because you're like, oh, I told that one on the other podcast.
Well that one was my Black History Month one because she's black. And then that was just the tip. That was my tip story. And then. I mean, I don't even know you anymore. First the hair and now this. The funny thing was one person, you know, it sucked is like I had it in and she was like, do you have a condom?
And I was like, not a fucking child, you know? And so I took it out. You complain. But anyway, so here's the.
Only because she complained you would have brought Dr. had she not a hundred percent. Yes, because it was in her and she was like, what about protection? Yeah, dipshit, you can't you fucking jump off the balcony. OK, so.
So anyway. It turns out, by the way, that she was thinking smartly and I wasn't, uh, I found out later that I should have worn two with her now.
Every girl that you've been with ends up having HIV. Well, yeah, this girl just jumped in a shower with me like I was taking a shower. And she was like, can I come in the shower, you know, special type of lady that does that.
Now, here's the. Here's the bad sex. Are you ready? Yeah, OK, so I meet this girl in college, um, I'm single. She's been single for a little while and. We start like hanging out, just like we get along like she's laughing, you know, cute, and then we start, you know, we met, we kissed a few times, make out. She gets really mad. One time she comes and hangs out in my.
Dorm room, and we had, you know, made out a little bit and then. We're on my bed. And she's facing to the right and I have Illmatic in the spoon position and then I hear I just I start wait a minute, you spoon this.
How on. Hold on. Hold on. Don't even spoon your wife who made you way, way, way, way, way she goes.
She goes, God, I'm like, what? She goes, You're snoring. She thought I was just like. Like holding her, I went to sleep, you know, so I was like, oh, no, I'm not. And then I did it again. She's like, I'm going. And I was like, OK. So. Then I remember that end of the school year came and she was like, I'm going to be spending time, I think, in like Virginia this summer, like, you know, let's try to hang out and, like, exchange, you know, it's like let's stay in touch.
I never called her completely, completely ignored because I didn't I wasn't into her, you know, which is why you fell asleep.
Spooning. Exactly. Should have been trying to stake your dinner. I didn't really care.
So I was like and then, you know, summer's over, you're back for school. And she was like, thanks for like never staying in touch. And I was like, I don't care, you know? So I. I don't want.
You didn't say it like that.
No, of course not. I was like, I thought you were going to call me.
Like, I just you know, I did one of those, so. We start talking a little bit again. He's such a shit, and then I remember we're. We're in on my bed and she volunteers like as like things are starting, she goes, I don't suck, Dick. And I was like, nerd, get out. Exactly like I was like, well, I think your shoes are over there. Why don't you put them on and, you know, go for a run or something.
So now I actually I was kind of offended by that. Like the fact that she had to come out and say it was to me, it was like, I'm not going to do that to you. You know, I was like, uh, so I was like, well, then I'm not going to say anything, but I'm definitely not going to do it. Like, cause when I would have obviously. But I was like, yeah, well, if you're going to, like, go out of your way, I was like, OK, well, you know, do something with it.
So do something with it.
This is terrible. I hope you don't teach our sons to make love to women like this. You don't suck Dick Birju some way.
So anyway, sex, it was it was we didn't have sex.
And it was like it wasn't.
Would she do just hand. Yes, just like we just said, it was just like mess around, you know, like finger.
But and like you did not finger her ass on the second one. So so anyway, it doesn't really progressed from there, I'm told.
I'm not interested in you know, it was kind of person like we had like some type of like, I guess, flirty rapport, but I wasn't interested in her. So I graduate. You know, it's one of those things where, like, every once in a while you hear from somebody. And now I'm in L.A., she reaches out and she was like, we're going to I'm going to come out to L.A. and we have some unfinished business to take care of.
I was like, oh, shit. So I'm living in L.A..
In Hollywood. And she comes out, hangs out. We go, you know, you do the thing like when you're young, in your 20s, you show people it's Hollywood Boulevard and all that. Yes. And then she was like, I think it's like the night before she leaves and she's like, oh, we have something to do, OK? I was like, oh, man.
And if it hasn't happened by then and it's taken that really just how you like three years for this to happen, you know. My God, it's so stupid, she so dumb, we start doing it and. I'm telling you, like. There was just the point where she was like like it starts and then she was like. You know, going back and forth and she goes, so. You're going to come now, and I was like, um.
Not yet, and it was like. Total. Detached like there was no excitement in it at all, and I was and then I was like, I don't know, I feel like I had to I remember I had to be like potentially someone else, you know, to to get your but back. So I was like, I got a shock.
You have to otherwise, what's the point?
Well, also, she's going to be like, whatever, you know, I mean, oh God. I'm like, hold on. I'll pretend I'm attracted to you. Hold up. Close my eyes. Uh, she just didn't.
I don't it doesn't sound like she enjoys sex.
I don't you know, she's like I mean, usually a woman doesn't go into it going, here's what I don't do. I know you might just go like, you know, I'm I don't know.
I don't really know you. Maybe here's my preferences, but not like I do that it's not very sexy.
I wrote down some other horror stories, but. I figured I figured we should spread them out, you know, I mean, yeah, they're kind of special that way. You don't want to blow your load at one episode. A breadcrumb, huh?
She's yeah. Stop and just reading over the list, what are you going to do now? I mean, are you now that you're this new hair guy? Yeah. Going to put these pictures up on Instagram and hope that these whores see you now with my new hair. Yeah, I can't avoid my new look. What am I supposed to do? Act like I don't have hair. I have a full head of hair.
No, that's true. I'm supposed to just wear a hat and every photo.
I can't help it if all the sudden everyone comes calling so young, looking now I'm so jealous.
I know I had really exciting the live like three, six, five guy put up a pretty cool video.
Oh we haven't seen him in a while.
Figured we'd share the details and show you how to flush your teeth in one minute so you can do it every single day. One minute a day and flush your teeth in one minute. Ready to pull it out of this. But you see how long it was and you cut it off. You take it wrap around here, wrapped around here. This is going to be brand already. Shoulder level watch. OK, here we go. Up here. Oh, stop it hurt.
Oh, stop, so I'm saying that's a really all right, then you come down here, see, you keep open, man, and you pull up and it's fresh. Imagine if this video didn't exist.
You go up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down. I'm getting it. And now I'm starting to settle in. You can do it real fast or it hurts. You can't make it real fast and uncomfortable.
Pretty sure any dental hygienist will tell you this is not every day you don't have a minute for oral hygiene. That's a minute that you're going to regret. Everybody floss, you can do it in the middle of the day, do it right up and down, up and down, keep rotating it so that you have fresh, clean floss. OK. OK. And the hard to reach spots that you can't get with the floss. What do you do?
Get a nice plastic tube to pick your dentist to show. Exactly. And get in there and get deep in those gums, work hard, play hard.
He actually was like this is a good idea to film this. I can't say what's Tony Robbins doing? I'm going to do a flossing tutorial.
Do you think he got many requests to make this video? Hey, man, you know, I wasted all day flossing.
Is there any way you can summarize it in a minute? Something like that? How do I floss? I don't know what to do even when up and down. Oh, OK.
It's a really aggressive approach. He does, too, that you're actually probably doing more damage. He's definitely damaging weight and also probably not getting what's in between know those gums.
So and you're damaging your gums because you're shoving that floss in there, you're just making them bleed. Yeah. You can take your time if you're going too fast. I mean, how much time does it take maybe like you do when you're watching TV or something? Yeah, it's not a big time commitment.
Yeah, it's really not.
By the way, I want to ask you this. Are you going to go crazy? Yeah. And. Like, really get bigger tits. Absolutely. Well, that's obvious, you need that, but are you going to go crazy and like, change your face entirely as you get older? Of course.
Well, now that you're doing this, I have to keep up with you here on this younger guy kick. Here's what I'm thinking like, yeah, maybe a facelift right now.
Hmm, you know, well, it was brought to our attention recently that one of the most beautiful movie stars that we grew up with, absolutely gorgeous woman, Demi Moore has a completely new look. And I can take you through the years because I got to tell you, man, it actually I know you're like Tom, but you just changed your look and say, yeah, but it kind of bums me out when I'm not even thinking this is a movie when just when women do this, when they go, like, why are you being so sexist?
Because I feel like you see this kind of dysmorphia and more with women.
And it's like, hey, let's be fair with actresses and women that have been in the public eye for many years. So Demi Moore has been famous since she was, what, 18 years to others that you just when you just said that came to mind.
Meg Ryan yo. And what's the Bridget Jones Diary?
Renee Zellweger, both of them. But show them real quick. Hold on.
Renee Zellweger, Renee Zellweger, should she revert back? I think I saw something that she made it look more normal because people were like, dude, you don't even look like yourself.
She was so cute. Yeah, she was so cute. She had those squinty, you know, kind of cherubic little cheeks and her eyes were so squinty. And then she widened her eyes.
Oh, yeah. It doesn't even she didn't even know. I got to say this. She looks dramatically different, but it doesn't look it doesn't look like what the fuck did you do.
But but it does look a different person doesn't look like her. And the the squinty look is gone. She doesn't look squinty, which was kind of like the branding of her face. Right. That was her. It was like she had like the little squint to her eyes.
Um. She's adorable. She is, and she's great, and Meg Ryan, Meg Ryan, this one is wild, kind of dramatic, too. Oh, she fucked her face up pretty bad here.
She didn't need to do all that she wanted. She did a nose job. She injected her lips, which is, I think, a big no no. And maybe got cheek implants as well, which is the thing about this stuff is that it's not bad. It's just you got to do it subtly sad. It's got to be subtle if you go.
Doesn't matter if you're famous or not.
You got to go subtle with this stuff yet because you don't look younger. You just look like you've had crazy worked out. The best work on someone's face is when you're just like, did you just get back from vacation or.
Yes. You know, like subtle. And you find out that they did like a little eyelift or something. Yeah. But if you go like this and then the nose and the mouth and then and then implant and you're like, what the fuck did you do?
This is what I like about what you've done. Yeah. It's so subtle. Right. Nobody can tell. Well, it's also it's hair like. Sure.
You're going to go like you look like God, you know, on your head. Yeah. But your face. It's not like my face becomes unrecognizable.
Right. It's just like an awesome head of hair. But you are going to start doing filler under the eye and you're going to do a facelift now.
Right? I'm doing face, nose, lips, teeth and I'm doing a cheek implant, cheekbone and cheekbone implants.
But I mean, this will be a process. You won't even know that I did it. And calf implants, too. I think that's part part of.
So sorry, but bring up Demi Moore.
I got. I got it. Oh, you have it. So here's where we start. This is basically when the world starts to get to know her.
It's nice to look at that. Look gorgeous baby face. What is she, 89?
Probably like that there. Yeah, beautiful. Here is. Let's see. Eighty seven, yeah, still stunning. Well, she's going to get hotter here in a second. Wait till you see. Come on. 30 is gorgeous. That's like indecent era Smokin G.I. Joe, this once you got yolked when I think she does G.I. Jane, but she's beautiful.
Look at that face her hurt.
You mean everything. Bone structure. Like, it's just great skin. Yeah, she looks great. Aging well, beautiful.
Still there for a whole lot. And she's looking a little thinner. So she's very thin there. Yeah, I see that skinniness is going a little a little more. That's leaving the. Oh OK. 2009. She's had a little work done here.
This looks like injections. I'm going to say she's had a lot of Botox and filler. Yeah.
I don't know if we understand about surgery. It's understandable. She's a movie star. Movie star getting a little bit older. Brow lift maybe. Yeah, OK. She looks great.
Still looks great, but it doesn't look like her. So I think something's that's 2011 changing a little. Yeah. But also a shape.
She's got what she's probably like. She looks great. Fifty here to something. Doesn't matter. Well she's got. That's 2016, where clearly like it's you know, you've been doing stuff going on and the cheekbones are moving. That's 20, 19.
OK, OK, so she's messing with the cheekbones.
But I will say that at this point I would be like, oh, that's to me. Like it doesn't jump out to me that it's to me. Yeah. You only know it is.
No, it's still her. Something still off now. Yeah. We're kind of moving into it.
But she's also just, you know, she's aging. It's normal. Yep. It's not that dramatic. That's last year. That's nice. I think she still looks pretty great there. It doesn't look like her, though. So, yeah, there's something else, there's something that's been done.
But then there's the eyes shehnai job. This current one is. Oh, no, man. So she had the cheekbones done way too much.
It looks like, and then the eye lift is way crazy, but the cheekbones, I wish I had a better angle.
I swear to you, I'm not even trying to. I mean, it seems like we're trying to shame her. And I'm not I really am not. I just feel like I wish people. Especially women would recognize that you don't have to do this. I know, like you don't have to do this to yourself right now. And when you do this to yourself, everybody goes. What what are you doing? No, you don't. It doesn't look better, but you know what I think it is?
It's that when you're a woman whose identity is being beautiful and then. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. When your point of privilege, personal privilege is beauty privilege and then you lose that privilege over time, it's probably really hard to come to grips with when everybody a privilege.
When everybody knows you as the smoke show and then that nature will take that from you. You know, I think it's 58 right now. I mean, she's she looks she looks great. Yeah, yeah. That's that's a bummer, man. Yeah, but that's also show biz.
That's a really I wish regular people, you know, she and other ladies wouldn't do that. Please do not use gendered language. Sorry. So what will you stop it.
Will you pump the brakes. If I start doing stuff will you be like, dude, you don't need this. Yes. Crazy. Yes. Don't let me. I'm not going. I don't think I will. But I know if you were like I'm there.
If you do something like if you're like they're doing something to my face, I'll be like, no, oh, no.
Change your face. You don't know. You're not fifty eight.
You know, you might turn sixty and be like, dude, I need to get just a minute left. Just a minute left. Yeah but a mini lift is not this.
No. I want a mini left though. That's not a mini lift. Yeah.
My plastic surgeon keeps trying to convince me to do lip filler and I'm like nope, I don't want to look like those Ukrainian hussey's on 90 day say. They're always Neidjie you cookie looks too crazy to think I can buy a couch today if mommy let it happen. I talked to Mom about buying stuff for the house. Yeah, this is sad. OK, let's do something funny here. We want to tell them you love her working on the golf cart.
I like in the. That's pretty funny. He doesn't seem fazed at all. Well, broken, well, well, you know. Huh, that's awesome. That is a fantastic, wholesome, horrible or hilarious and it's certified hilarious.
Yeah, yeah. And the sad part is I can see myself doing the oh, yeah.
I think a lot of people I mean, he smashed the fuck out of the door and the other way too hard that he did.
Oh my God. Hit so hard and Jesus Christ, he's like, oh, it's like I fucking put that in and he doesn't like old hat remover like well we'll need some new doors.
Shit. Well, shit.
Yeah. Well, how about you do this with.
Amazing things like El Bulli.
Check out this one, you're going to laugh at this Pixies, but so far, oh smells.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
I mean, did he hand him a turd, was it a turd, looks like he's holding something, grabbed something. I think he just pocketed the stink right there. Oh, that was. He's never done that to your friends, your man friends, um, I have done that, but it's been a long time, like like scratch or not. Like you smell this or something. Yeah, but I mean.
Oh, really, 20 years. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are grody. Yeah, we are, yeah, pretty we're pretty awesome guys. Will you pull up the five love languages? So this is kind of interesting. Well, we're talking about this, you and I have been talking about our relationship lately past the lovers that you have had.
And then there's this famous book, The Five Love. Let's take out books and then you'll get see his song.
Oh, Jesus. There you go. Uh, OK. And. I was discussing this with my friend, Dr. Jessica. Mm hmm. And so these are the five love languages that, you know, you could do words of affirmation. Basically, the breakdown is that all of us essentially. Are drawn to one of these languages. Yeah, like this is what you respond to, this is what you need to feel loved, right? So there are words of affirmation that could be sending an unexpected note, text or card encourage genuinely and often.
So I would like that.
I think I need words of affirmation, physical touch, hug, kiss, hold hands, show physical affection regularly, make intimacy and thoughtful, make intimacy a thoughtful priority receiving gifts, give thoughtful gifts and gestures. Small things matter in a big way. Express gratitude when receiving gift quality time, create special moments together, take walks and do small things with your spouse. Weekend. Getaways are huge and then acts of service, can you read the bottom line the way.
Yeah, use action phrases like I'll help, I want to know you're with them. That partner with them, do chores together and make them breakfast in bed, go out of your way to help alleviate their daily.
I'd like I'd like that so me many need acts of service and I would like the top one words of affirmation. However, we were discussing that there are no there's no box for just dick touches because I think that Dick touches are really like guys don't need any of that. It's just dick. No, no, no physical touch. It says intimacy and thoughtful priority. But that's not the same as saying you need to touch your spouse's dick every 72 hours to have a happy marriage.
And I think 72 hours is the natural natural algorithm there while you're you're kind of over time overdue.
I know. So, yeah, I realize because I was talking I was telling you that I was like, oh, but you don't like super intimate conversations and you're like, Yes, I do.
And I'm like, no, you don't. Because if, like, I stare into your eyes and tell you something super meaningful, you're like, uh.
Did I tell you I had diarrhea today and like what? You're like, oh, no, I don't know what to say. This makes me uncomfortable. OK, you've done that a dozen times, but that's not that's not true. If you're if you're really upset and you're really telling me something meaningful, I do that when there's something.
No, no, no, no. I'm really upset. I'm saying if I'm telling you something sincere and meaningful, like, oh, my God, I can't tell you how much, you know, you mean or like, I really feel that you're like I mean, your body, you start to go like.
Um, oh, like a gangbanger. What the fuck are you doing right now? So, yeah, you don't like that is not true. That is 100 percent. Here's the thing, Bert, 100 percent. It's true. Why are you saying it's not?
You know, I feel like with other people, I get very uncomfortable. Emotionally, with emotional exchanges with other women, I would say, especially women, I get very like, what does that have to do with this?
But with you, I enjoy I enjoy it. I'm giving you the example of me. I'm not talking about other people. I'm telling you when I've done this.
I know. But I feel as though with you I make an exception and that look. Yeah, I agree. I'm sorry. Did I not say that? I agree. I have a very hard time with emotional. Thank you. Overly. I don't like them. They, they make me very nervous.
This is what I can say Herrod.
OK, I'm like I don't, I don't want it to over take me. Exactly. I know, but here's the deal, man, is that when you do say nice things to me, I really do like it. I just have a hard time showing you that I like it. I'm embarrassed to be like I really thank you for saying that. Like, what do I say? Let's do let's do play-acting. Like, what's a normal person?
Let's say you're try and tell me how what a good mother I am and how great I take care of the kids.
Go ahead. Go ahead. I just wanted to let you know that I so appreciate what a great mother you are.
Yeah. She already uncomfortable. They said anything yet? Oh, my asshole's puckering. Yeah, OK, don't you think that that's indicative of something? Yeah, I work on it therapy. I've been working on it for fucking. Don't you think you should make some progress? I have made progress.
Sorry, I'm sorry, so sorry, continue. Go ahead. I think you're just the most amazing mother and from where I sit, I got to tell you that it's it's just the most beautiful thing to see somebody care for their children the way that you do. It warms my heart that you're their mother. How uncomfortable are you? I'm on the sea of 10, I'm a 20. I mean, then how can you say that you enjoy this?
I like it because I need to hear it from you and then I don't like actually hearing it. Does that make sense? I don't like it. Yeah, I can't get it. I like to know that you feel that way.
So but then the way to let you know that I feel that way is not telling you that.
But then that makes me feel like you don't appreciate. Do you see that? I know, I know it's a dilemma, but I love you. So what should I say when you say stuff like that? What do I say? Well, use like football.
You're not supposed to shift in your seat, start looking around, sweating, being like, where's this going? What are you about to say? I'm like, I'm just telling you that I appreciate what you're doing.
That's totally what I do. I panic. And you're like, OK, well, what though? When are you leaving drop?
Like, No. So are we divorcing now? What's happening?
OK, so sorry. So what should I say? So tell me what the normal response is, because I don't fucking know what's the normal response to what a normal people say.
Thanks for noticing, Jean. I love you too. Good one. OK, thanks for noticing, Jeanne. I love you. Are you a space dog or something? Do we want to review who raised me, I was raised by two fucking psychos. I'm learning to be human every year more and more. All right, but wait, we see other as you like.
Well, I like to express love. I know this. I like to express love with gifts. Yes. I guess if you know me well and I like you, I get you gifts. Mm hmm. If you if you're around me and I'm trying to express it can be like, you know, it could be romantic love, but it can just be like friendship, appreciation, gratitude. I I've always been a gift giver, even like I didn't have any money.
I would still get people gifts. So that's a big one for me. And you're a great gift giver. By the way. Thank you. Thank you. I like to see that exchange.
I compliment you. And you said thank you. That was normal. Yeah, I'm normal. I'm learning. You're learning. Yeah, I'm learning. I'm trying to be human every year.
I need physical touch and not just dick touches. I do like I like physical touch and. I, I like words of affirmation, two words of affirmation. I don't have to get gifts all the time, but I do for me. I go, how do I? I don't know why. It's ever since I was I think because my maybe I modeled it after my dad. My dad does that. I got you and I can't get my gift giver.
So I've always been like that. I give gifts, so you like dick touches and other touches, other touches and then words of affirmation, words of affirmation.
Yeah, I don't need I mean, you know, they're all good, but the other one's not quality time.
You're not a big, cute guy. I'm not a cute guy. I don't need acts of service. You know, it's obviously you appreciate it, but I don't need it to feel loved. I don't have to receive gifts to feel love, but I do have to give them. Yeah, you're a giver. Yeah, I know. And that's how I know you love me. Give me stuff. And then I like. But I'm a quality time lady.
You are? Yes. If we don't hang out, I get really grumpy and really upset. It's like when I withhold dick touches you get very grumpy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh it's exciting. I'm listen, I'm going to work on it. I'm going to work on my ability to hear the words of affirmation. How about that.
No, I'm excited about that. See where that goes. I'll work on it in therapy this week.
Um. Some emails that came in, there's the the Big Ten in Animal Challenge is out there now. Wow.
It says Hello, I watched the recent podcast where Christina made the outrageous statement that no normal woman could put up with Tom's behavior. Needless to say, I strongly disagree. So I thought, why don't we put it out there to the test? What I put it out to to the test or, you know, try it out. Hashtag big titted animal challenge.
And this is really important because it has to be authentic to really be part of the challenge. Men need to record themselves calling their significant others a big titted animal to see their reaction. I'm single, so I tried paying my friend a hundred dollars to film himself, saying this to his wife as a pilot trial. But he refused and acted like a real Kurt Pricer. Anyway, food for thought, love the show. Can't wait for the next special, I think.
Thank you very much, John, for the message. I think it's a great idea. But again, amazing what's going to be what's going to make this awesome is that if it's authentic, no bits don't do the scripted one to the real meaning.
Don't give your wife a heads up. Yeah, yeah. To say this and then look at me like this, like try to get the real best response we can tell. Yeah.
Most most of the time when those responses are fake. Yeah. They're just not as good. The real the like. The real. Especially if you don't normally say anything like that to be amazing, like hey you big tent animal, did you make dinner.
And just to see her go like what. What did you call me. Yeah man I'm real.
What's your prediction here? Do you think a lot of women will be cool with this big headed animal?
I think you're going to see the full spectrum of responses. You're going to see laughing, giggling. What do you say? Someone's going to get upset for sure. Very upset.
The fuck did you call me? Yeah, it's so funny. Like, I forget that not everybody speaks to each other the way it's really that doesn't occur to you.
It's not usually until stuff like this, I'm like, oh yeah.
Well people aren't cool with this. I think that um.
Yeah, it is disrespect I think to a lot of regular guys out there. And I would consider you I mean, in the nicest possible way, I think I just mean like alpha normal guys, guys, guys. I think I think they say crass shit to their wives.
They do. I see it all the time. But there's another lane right next to that of the guy who doesn't talk like that. That's right.
And there's a lot of those. There's a lot of those. Yeah. And those are the best ones.
Yeah. Like there's a few couples in mind right now. Could you imagine them saying, oh, I imagine it, yeah.
You don't have to say the names like you know that like Burke could say it to LeAnn. Oh yeah. She was just like what.
Like it doesn't even he's he said something to her last weekend when we were filming, he was like, hey, can we, uh, see your tits for this thing? And she was like. Nope, it just it just takes it in stride. He's like, come on, you got a great touch. Thanks, Bert. And ignores him completely.
She's used to it. I'm curious. I wonder what what the average outcome is out there, like what the average level of communication is between married couples that aren't comedians. Yeah. You know, because you and I do we have to give each other a lot of license to ill because we're comics. Yep. And that's our job to be shitheads. Yeah. And we've over time built a rapport of like. I must say, reckless, crazy shit, you're going to say the same kind of thing, like it's the language we speak.
Yeah. So, you know, I mean, a lot of people don't do that now. So Hansen with this new hair and know. So send an email of your video, your mom's podcast at Gmail dot com. There's no house in that email, your mom's podcast at Gmail, dot com in the subject line.
Please put big titted animal challenge and please send authentic videos.
You know, please make it real. We want the real ones. We have the real real gene.
Can we please do talks pretty soon?
Yes. And then did we talk about the hats that I get that update. Oh, no, you didn't. So let me say this. The the two bears hats, which I've never I loved the merch game.
Everybody knows that. Like, it's I always felt like it's, you know, kind of like joke writing and there's a bunch of new gear in the store if you go to store. That's why I made dot dotcom. There's the air Sagara stuff. Christina, you got some new stuff.
Yeah, my name mentioned I did not approve this shirt by the way. I know, but nobody showed it to me. And then you were like, do you want to see what's in the store? And then you don't like it. No, I do.
I just I, you know, would have been nice to have a heads up that we're doing that, you know what I mean? It's like I get carried away sometimes. Sure. Sure. Forgive me, please. Um, new jeans stuff, all kinds of new gear. It's all in the store. The two bears official stuff. Here's the point. So that hat, you know, the two bears hat. It's it's, uh, we've never had anything quite like that where in minutes, like, everything is just gone.
What is the show me? It's the one that I think I think it's not in this. Not. Well, because it's sold out in a few minutes.
Go wild. So we were going to just let it go because I was like, you know, it's an exclusive thing and it's a whole procedure to bring in new era. And they you know, it's it's a partnership with minor league baseball. You got to get reapproved.
So while it was still up. The numbers were outrageous of people being like, let me I mean, really crazy, I was like, I cannot believe it's like this for this hat. So they told me I play. I was like, I'll place this order, but I cannot wait nine months for it. They said we would have it in April. So it's eight weeks. That's awesome. And we ordered way more to try to like, you know, meet the demand, meet the demand.
Don't buy it on eBay, you guys. There's no need. Just be patient, get notified, get get hit that notification button.
So it comes in, but store that mesh studios dot com is where all the searches, all the new stuff and the hats will be there. OK. We'll take a break real quick, guys. Oh, I have a new favorite thing it is. We are moving. We're getting ready to pack up our belongings. I have been selling my items on Mercouri. I am hooked. I love it. Um, I think Mercouri, it's the best place, lets you say goodbye to your unused items and give them a new life when somebody else buys them.
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M.H. at Adam and Eve Dotcom, OK, I know that you want to get into it, so it could be a good P so good.
I pushed really hard.
And so the doctor says do always push as hard as you can, but you were looking for me so such a ridiculous.
Yeah it's awesome. Really get into it. Yeah.
I'm really excited about this batch. I'm always excited to see the batch. What you've been cooking. Oh. Let's see where you're at this week. You got it.
Yeah, I wasn't even sure what gasoline looked like until I saw it in the container. Never seen anything like that before. Neither have I. I'm not sure that's gasoline. I don't know.
It just seems like he's like this works just like this. It's like from his house. Yeah.
So for those of you just listening, this man has an extremely large, glaringly large jar see through jar. I mean, the jug. But that's I mean, that's got to be like three gallons or something.
That is not a normal size gasoline. And he's pouring it into a car as it's parked is like, what?
And he's got his own shit, you know, funnel system. Very interesting. Yeah. All right. I appreciate I love these talks that catch me off guard.
I don't know where you're going. Well, and when I said I like about this talk, too, is it appears to be somewhere exotic. This is not like a little lieblein.
Oh, I have some lipgloss and I have some I'm sure it's really, really bothered me. Oh, I hate that. Isn't that the word? Yeah. They're never like they're so dry. What are you looking at me like that for. You going to put on some lip gloss right now? Well, I mean, I it's going to it's really bothering me so, you know, complete the look, OK?
This is like you don't have the clear stuff now. No, I don't use Chapstick anymore. What about the gel, you know, like you squeeze it in? Oh, that's at nighttime. I only put that on the night moves. Sorry, you can't just sit here with my dry lips. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Kid really bothers me when it happens. It's the worst dry lips or fuckin torture, especially because you don't even need to have them.
You can just fucking put it on and just put on a little.
Oh I like once a car like this is Alice. You need a car wash. I'm available. Well. I mean, she does a good job. Who wants a car wash? That's it. Once a car wash. And she did say a word from the Midwest. So this is Alice. We've featured her before.
She lives in lingerie or something. That's right. So she's in a, I think, 70s. She got rock and hot bod and her husband usually takes photographs and video, loves it of her, loves showing her body.
And he loves probably when guys are like, God, you're hot. He's like, that's right. That makes his dick hard. I think that's what's happening here. Yeah. Now, want to wash the car? Yeah. She's doing the car wash. Any would you hit it. She wants to know how many hit it, what I hit it. Uh, she's like 70. I ain't going to hit it, but I'd pay for that car wash the car.
I respect, bro respect.
You think she does a good and adequate job? Yeah.
She looks hot up there. Come on. She looks great. There was some credit. Give me some credit like that. And she's smokin hot. She knows what she likes. OK, next video.
All right. All right. And we don't have what your political, religious or social ideology ID and it I don't mean anything to here that I love.
I love that. Yeah. I really prefer the direct. I'm not fucking around flight attendants to the. Here's a bunch of jokes. I hate that you know those who who used to do the real joke. Southwest.
Southwest. Yeah. It was all jokes. Right. And you're like OK, but this guy is like I don't give a fuck who you are. Listen to the rules. I like that because there's always some dipshit on a flight who can't fucking follow rules.
Yes. Now, this is also on Spirit Airlines. As we know, it's dog shit airlines. You know, the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, I think only son.
Are you between jobs? Spirit Airlines. Yeah. And you have to pay extra for like your bag for everything. For everything. You want to save water with five hundred dollars. Yes.
How do they wait. So let me ask you, why are they so cheap. Is it that the I mean it's you know, it's just it's like any business that you have, uh, your kind of flagship. Right. Like the franchise on, then you have people who are going to provide the same service at a discount. So this is discount rate. Right.
So they're just trying to be like, you know, you pay less, but we have no frills. We have to lower the quality of service, no frills, probably safety standards.
So, I mean, I'm not saying that they do. I'm saying some people might feel like that, not me personally. I think this is all pretty. There's everything's a joke. I love we love Spirit, Air and sun many times.
Not ever. Yes. Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry.
Can I just say I was be.
Was there none pranks, none pranks? Yeah, yeah, I didn't know Norns had this much fun. Yeah, I had no idea because the nuns that I went to Catholic school with were never this.
She almost browned her shorts, able to say, Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. She'd even go like you fucking cunt to her friend.
The fuck. Right, I just shit out of my twat, right? Scared me so bad. That means that nuns don't even curse when they're caught off guard.
Yeah, when they write the Hail Mary. Hail Mary, mother of God. Holy Grace. I'm so scared.
Yeah, she's had rice. That was really wholesome.
Yeah. And that's what I like to do. I you do like to mix it up. I'm looking forward to the next one, which probably won't be wholesome. Are we going to see someone dismembered. Here we go.
I don't know what you guys up there just getting out of the penitentiary. I mean, headed back, looking fine, looking for somebody to wine and dine. Hala, Hala, Hala. That's what's the. I mean, it's amazing, right? It is amazing what's amazing. There's so much it's amazing. Let's go through it. Well, first, there's the visuals. You're seeing the lady in her car. Um, she has she's well endowed her.
She's got bosom, big slips, loppers, as you like to say. Big, big mountain. A big dumpy flatpack. Yeah. It looks like somebody went in there with, like one of those frosting tubes that you see, you know, on like a baking show. And they're like, put some more on there and they just push. They just ready to go. Tits are just full, man.
They look like, yeah, yeah.
I think she has her teeth out. I'm not entirely. Oh wow. Or at least one set of them. Wow.
Because there's some. Unnatural lip movement also, she has a type. You know, when people go like, do you have a type? She has a type. And this type is. Are you just getting out of prison?
Like, I know you've been there and now you're out and you might be looking for someone to wine and dine.
Hit me up crazy.
What's a you know, like a lot of people are like, well, what's he like? Does he have his shit together? Does he have a job? Does he you know, she's just like, have you served significant time for a crime?
Probably a violent one. Hit me up. Give me a shout. Now, Tom, I don't know if you recall love after lockup. Yeah. Remember, that was a thing on love after lockup where when the men knew they were getting out, they wanted that first date.
And I think she might be suggesting more than just food consumption, if you know what I'm saying.
If you know what I'm getting at, I think it's like wine me, dine me. I will make you come. I'll make you count. Oh, she will. Yeah. I believe she's the guy's first. I'll make you she I bet you she has an incredible skill set with convicts.
Yeah. These guys are not soft with her. They probably pound prison pound her. Yeah of course she's nice.
She's like that's how they express love. That's the second language spoken by the convict section.
Convict cut you bitch. Yeah. And a hold on. There's more you're not. Notice the faded chest tattoos. Uh, the eyebrows are burgundy.
And what's amazing, a human beings are just fascinating.
The most interested she is most comfortable with convicts like that's you know, I mean, that's that's that's so people are like, you know, I'm drawn to this church.
I like. Oh, yes. Doctors, athletes. She's like I kind of like convicts, you know.
But hey, somebody's got to date those guys, of course. And everybody deserves love and love.
And this woman, she's smitten, by the way, with the idea of are you getting out? Because look at that. She's got a glow to her.
I mean, doped for all you guys up there. You're right out of her teeth out. No, I'm trying to get it back. Looking fine, looking for somebody to wine and dine. Hi, la, la, la, la. You're right.
She has no confirmation. I knew it because. He fed. Hello. Hello.
Well, I can wine and dine her, you know, they can't drink. I mean, you do get like 60 bucks when you leave, so they don't give me that one off, but, well, they're on parole, so they can't. Why put some money in my account?
I get some shit from the commissary dog and then I'll send it to you. So it's like you paid for it, but I gave you my heart, you know?
I mean, for real. Oh, sure. Yeah. All right.
Go the fuck inside. Excuse me. I told you what I said. Look at this dumb bitch, you're going to go viral and tick tock. Oh, yeah, I ticked off, huh? Say hi to all my father's two idiots. Yes, on my property. Can't go inside, you dumb. Whoa.
Excuse me. That was pretty intense, it's why I thought you would like it because of it's conflict you like, it makes you comfortable. Here's the thing I like when like if you get to that point, you've got to show why it seems irrational that he's calling or that, you know. Yeah. Maybe he's a Fed smoker type.
Maybe. Yeah. I mean, you seem like reasonable. I mean, well, here you don't know you don't know if she's been being crazy.
To call somebody a cunt in America really has to be top of the line.
Usually it is like you're just like I like you know what I know that we call Adolf Hitler a knucklehead. He might also be a bit of a cunt. Mussolini cunt, Stalin cunt. Who owns a car? I don't really like talking like that about people. Now, those rascals, well, I kind of thought about it and I think that I kind of miss labeled Hitler. What do you mean? I mean, I was just I was home and I was just thinking about it.
And I realized that I think. To to give them an appropriate level, I think he's a goofball. More of a goofball, yeah, yeah, Hitler, his team, just a bunch of goofballs, you know, they didn't know what they were up to.
Goofy guys, let me see this again. Go the fuck inside. Excuse me. I told you what I said. Look at this dumb bitch, you're going to go viral and tick tock. Oh, yeah, I ticked off, huh? Say hi to all my father's two idiots. Yes, on my property. Can't go inside. You don't. Oh. She I think she seems kind of cute. She's hot this Kerins hot, but I don't know, these guys seem a little wacky.
Yeah, and you can hear his voice trembling like he's really emotional, his tremble trembling, his voice.
Yeah. Who knows what's going on there. But I know that you like.
You like. Yeah, but I just like I like that. Felt like abuse. Didn't feel like it wasn't the fun kind of massive conflict that you dig. Not really, no. Well I mean I don't know if it's my hair talking or what.
I don't. It's your hair.
I didn't want to see her just get verbally attacked like that kind. I saw this Mississauga that. Let's see right there. There you go. Go, oh, damn. I don't believe that that mile per hour is accurate at all, but that's still impressive. She's not going 17. What do you think?
She's going maybe like 12 or 13?
Maybe that's I mean, it's impressive. 17 is very misleading.
I think having having watched a lot of, you know, sports and seeing like what they the miles per hour that when they attribute it and like that's not 70 miles an hour you're seeing you're like this chicken shit.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying that's a misleading caption. I don't believe it.
But I do think that girl is very impressive, very impressive, as is the man's penis training her. I can see his penis through his out of there.
None of us were talking about that. But now that you mention it, let's give it another spin. I feel good for a good look at his penis right there. I like the Monster's Ball. See it? I'll be right here. It's good. Girls go bad. There you go. See, when he picks her back up again, it shows you. And he couldn't take her mask off all the way.
There's his dick right there. Hard as a rock makes me sick now.
So you're telling me just me, right?
OK. Yeah, I am right. Whatever. Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Some stuff and say go talk to Pastor Kerry, Mr. Open and want to be out from. Go talk to someone else who has wisdom instead of your parents are still bill worldly friends. You're just like me. That's good advice.
I asked if he thought of that. So for those of you just listening, that was a boy coming out to his parents as demi sexual, which is what again, she said, I can't keep up. We Googled Demi sexual shit. I forget. OK, I totally forgot to.
Yeah. There's just so many sexualities. Let me.
Sexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. Yeah, it's me. They can be gay, straight, bisexual or pansexual and have any gender identity. The prefix demi means half which can refer to being halfway between sexual and asexual.
Now I don't understand what the fuck that even. OK, I don't know.
OK, um, so he just came out like that and she reacted. It sounds like they're religious. Yeah. Noninterest.
That seems like I mean doesn't, wouldn't that definition almost comfort somebody more than it would like. That seems like they're saying like, hey, I won't be sleep with anyone unless I'm really emotionally bonded.
That's what I would assume. It sounds really healthy. And then it goes on to say they can be pann fluid, blah, blah, a sexual or sexual scared mama.
I'm like that. That's the part.
She was like, are you having sex with dogs?
Yeah. I have a feeling he's get by or gay and Demi. I don't think it's just that he sleeps with ladies he likes.
Yeah, well, you need to talk to Pastor Richardson.
Oh, yes, to my right. I really, really hope nobody lives here. Oh, they do.
The day I just accidentally discovered a rotting corpse. So this woman is just putting outside of a building window and is filming the window. And you can see covered in flies, flies and.
Yeah, and there's like a thousand flies.
That's definitely dead body, right? Yeah. It's not just filth, right. Probably because they're living off of something.
Remember when that happened to one of our studios. Oh yeah. Where was it. The flies.
The people off. It was the smell. So when we when we met Blue here native, yeah, we were working out of an office in the South Bay and we rented an office in a small building, you know, there was probably six offices and it was just a standard office suite, small, and it was just a place to go. And we can also stop having guests come over to our place. We had a small place. We just had our baby, which had yes, we wanted out.
We wanted a space because we need to make where we were recording at home his nursery. Yeah. So we got the small office sign, like the three year lease or whatever it is. And we're sure going to be like, yeah, we're never leaving here like three months later, like we gotta get the fuck out of here. So we, we move now we've got this office that's like 45 minutes away. So I, I called the guy that this is my favorite that got us the office that ridiculous.
But he brought a briefcase with him to every meeting and you don't really see that. And then one day he showed me it was just sunglasses.
He had like eight pairs of sunglasses in there. And I was like, the fuck is this? But he's like, just depends on type of meeting. I'm going to hey, you've got your shades there. Put them on, show them. What do you what do you say he's like these ones say.
Oh yeah. He had like and they're like designer shirts. He goes, these are the don't fuck with me shirts. All right. So I throw these on. You're going to fuck with me. I don't fucking think so. This is the guy. Tell me in the mood.
You look great, by the way. I look good. Those are the Gucci's. Yeah. Wow. Those look so good on you. So. Anyway, I tell him. I tell them, removing you like insane and is there any way, is there and this is the best, is there any way to find somebody to sublease it? Right. And he goes, I can see what I can do and like a week goes by and he goes, you know, if there's any way you could, you know, kick me a little scratch, I could probably find somebody fast.
Yeah, yeah. Which was a way to be like, just give me money to do this. So I was like, sure. All right, make it go away. Yeah, I write him a check and the next day he's like, Hey, I found someone. I'm like, wow, that really worked on such a game, like a thousand dollars to do that. And then. He finds the guy the guy rents the apartment, the way that it works is I had to still write the monthly check for the lease leasing office and he wrote me a check every month.
We didn't really stay in contact that much. And then one day the building owner hit me up and he goes, Hey, man, your office stinks. I can smell it in the hallway. We got a. You know, God addressed that and I go, I don't I haven't been in that office in like a year and a half. He's like one. I go, Yeah, man, we sublease it. So this is another guy.
And he's like, oh. He's like, well, we're going to be going in there tomorrow and I have to let you know that, you know, like by law, because we're going to go and I go. Sure. I mean, go ahead. I'm just letting you know I've been there in a long time. And this is our this is our arrangement. He's like, OK. And then the next day he's like, yeah, that guy was dead in there.
He's been in there for a while. I was like, oh, he's like, the smell is unbelievable.
And it was summer. Yeah. And he was like, hey, he hit me up, he goes, are you going to send, like, a cleaning crew down here? And I was like, No, no, why not?
I am. Yeah, that's your problem. I'm not doing that. Why would you do? And then he's like, do you have insurance for it? I go for dead body removal. No, then LAPD talk to me, detectives. Detective Lacey, yeah, LAPD homicide detective, were you so stoked to talk to a little bit until he was like, how did you know he died?
And then I was like, what? I thought. But you guys told me that he was like, I didn't say that I know the other guy my trouble. Did they interview you more than once? No, it was one time. But I was like, am I being questioned for a homicide right now? This is pretty exciting. Yeah, yeah. We had no connection to that guy.
And he was like, well, we saw a guy in here with no hair. And I was like, couldn't be me.
I got a full head of hair, bro.
No way. Yeah. They're also like it was an older guy. You're clearly a younger guy. 27. Yeah. Look, my hair. You look amazing.
That's such a good look, you know, so cute. Thank you. Yeah.
Poor guy died in there. Hmm. It stank. And I think you leak fluids pretty quickly too. So it probably messed up the carpet. It did. They had to remove all the carpet like they had to do.
And they also emptied the other offices, like people were not allowed to go to the building for a week. He's like, we're shutting this building down. Woops.
I was like, I can't believe what you get for dying in our fucking office, dickhead.
And then I had to cover, like, three months of his rent because he fucking died.
Well, yeah, he died close to the hour time I was up. Thank God. Thank God. Thanks for holding on. Yeah.
Give me a break on that. For me at least it was close. Sheesh. I get all those poor guy. I don't even know his name. I do. Oh yeah.
But look at all those flea flus. I wonder if the flea flus came to eat him like that or maggots. You decompose fast.
I remember also one of his nephew hit me up. I'm like, tell me about like what he's been doing and all this stuff. And I had to write back like oh he just rented an office from me, no problem or anything about him. And he was like, Oh thanks. Yeah. Yeah, how fast is a human body decompose? Please look at him. Hmm. Tommy, you know this off the top of your damn well decomp starts right away.
I mean, in the first few minutes, your body begins decompose. Really? Yeah, sure. But I mean, you know, it doesn't get bad until when does it smell?
The smells begin. The internal organs decomposed.
Three to five days after death, the body starts to bloat and the blood containing foam leaks from the mouth and nose. Eight to 10 days after death, the body turns from green to red as the blood decomposes and the organs in the abdomen accumulate gas. Well, he was definitely at that two week mark when they found him, you know. Damn.
So he was he was in the garage. He was in a really, really Faizan Dam.
That means nobody was looking for that for. Yeah. Poor guy.
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A straight man calling me, but or buddy is a slur that is a slur and is a homophobic slur, I'm not sure, but I'm not your buddy. I'm not going to play hockey with you. And you know why I look at me?
Lots, a good talk like that guy. I like that, which is pretty funny. It's good and he's not wrong and slur a slur, a little aggressive it.
But he's right. It's like, fuck you. Don't call me that. All right. Well, he knows that, you know.
OK, Sam, we have to ask you, are we talking millions now?
Are people that feed off of I hope she is on the same painkillers you were given when you were in the ambulance. And I. I thought you could relate. What's a drug called. They gave you immediately. Fentanyl. This is her on fentanyl. Yeah.
Didn't do that to me, but I was like, just get to the fucking hospital, man. I did not do that at all. I had I was on heavy drugs. Oh, I know you weren't like that, but you were definitely like not you had enough coherency to leave that hospital. I was pretty amazed.
I'm pretty sure a lot of drugs. Yeah. So many drugs. Yeah, they gave me fentanyl, oxys, Dilaudid. And I still was like, I'd like to go home now. Yeah.
That's how bad it must have been. Yeah. Sheesh. Yeah. And I was when they when they got me out of the bed I started to sweat, pour, sweat and they're like, are you OK? Yeah. I feel like I did not feel OK that it hit me.
How fucked up was when I got out of bed I was like, oh I don't know if they're going to let me get out of here now. Oh that first Dilaudid does fuck hard.
Yeah. Yeah. I feel like warm warm rush into your chest and then you go hmm.
Oh God yes. Yeah. You got to try it.
I guess I got a parody. All jokes. Don't actually do it unless you're in the hospital and they let you try it. This is why we have to do it another way and change lives in, because we can't we're going to be back with a Wyoming rep. And like I announced the date yet, but I know it's coming.
We got to rip. Man, this is like.
I know. No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I like that the guy faking a seizure in a McDonald's. Yeah, it's pretty funny. It's pretty good. The lady getting really upset. That is not funny. I enjoyed that heated one. Yeah, I thought you like it. Everybody on talk. I just wanted to make this. Hey, everybody, you know, this is me. This is my life. Drugs pretty much taking it all, but this is the first day I'm taking it back.
I live in my truck. But that's going to change. I thought that was nice because it's a positive message and you can show your kids like this, what drugs did you live in your truck when you try to look like that guy? Does it look bad?
Well, it doesn't look good either. I mean, and he lives in his truck.
He looks like a normal guy. I would not be like, that's probably a drug addict. That's true. He just looks like a guy who likes to party like beer. He just looks like he loves his truck.
He loves his job. And I don't see just a truck loving dude. Is it so bad? It's not so bad to love your truck? I don't think so, especially if it comes with a bunch of drugs.
But hey, mom, I heard about new gender term. Oh, cool, is that a term you identify with? I prefer not to label myself, but it means feeling disconnected from the idea of gender in general. What's the word? It's called new choice.
Oh, I've heard of that term. It's like having a gender like gender doesn't exist yet.
Exactly. And I think it differs from a gender in that you also want your body to reflect that in all gender.
So to me, both of those sound like how you describe your gender.
Why is it you don't identify with either even the word choice connotates some sort of like gender standard or gender role when really I don't want any of that.
I guess I shouldn't assume just because a word sounds like it describes you, that it's a word you will identify with.
OK, it's like it's such nonsense. They're like, so that is a word, that's not a word and you can't use that word to represent.
Yeah, I got the words, do not use gendered language, OK?
It's not even like it's just it's nonsense. Sounds like a point of personal privilege. That's nonsense.
So but there's there's no way to say something is not without referring to the is. Do you know what I'm saying. Yeah. There's no way for you to be a gender neutral or whatever unless you're referring to that.
Which is it. Oh it just it's not logical. It makes me crazy, this stuff.
Yeah. I see it. That bothers you a lot because it is Iraq, it is antithetical to reason, hmm. Don't look at me with your full head of hair and judge with your fuckin beautiful hair privilege, your white privilege, what you got?
People think that I have the swag just because I know how to say one correctly and not. One. But there's a lot of people out there on my team, my husband and I wanted to try the four course challenge, but make everything from scratch drinks, water tie. So we picked our favorite homemade bomb blasts. We want the appetizer round and chose the buffalo blast from Cheesecake Factory. Then further down around, he won again. And the choice was Chappellet chicken pasta with extra parmesan for the dessert round.
I finally won, which is perfect because I have a huge sweet tooth. So we made homemade mix flurries on was kinder and Nutella flavor and the other had Oreos and Eminem's cool.
Sounds like you guys have a lot of fun together and you're cooking. It seems really great. P1 Yeah.
And how are they so skinny. They eat like fucking pigs. I finally won. Yeah. If we ate like this we, we would be like those thousand pound sisters now we'd look like them. That's the whole thing. You're not doing it right. That's not how to do it, you got to eat like them. Yeah, yeah, I can see that going around. I'm in a walker and I found the right way to get some baby stuff.
Thank you very much.
Go that way and I go down the next block and I'll do it right. Do you understand? Do you understand? The arrows go this way.
It was kind of fun. Um, see, I like see this is better conflict because you know the conflict. Yeah.
Well, and I think what the Pandi people are really losing their shit. I think everybody's on edge.
And I don't know that I always adhere to the instructions of which way the arrows point.
And I'll but I dug into it, you know, like the arrows are the lady who's losing her shit is walking in the correct direction. But, you know, it's a grocery aisle. It's not like a parking lot.
I know there's this lady's really upset, but there are people that really get mad when people don't adhere to rules, rules, point of personal privilege, point of personal privilege.
For instance, I belong to the next door app and I see a lot of complainers like so, you know, wearing their properly on the corner of blah blah, blah, blah, blah.
I saw somebody in Erawan and they weren't standing in line correctly. Yeah.
Like, what is wrong with you fool. I guess it gives you just gives you something you can. Talk about being here. Yeah, you have, like, something to stand on, you know, I guess it's just like what are you what's going on in your life? You know, what people are doing incorrectly?
Yeah, I like something of substance. I mean, we complain about sure, we do psychos, but I feel like at least it's entertaining. It's for the purpose of comedic complaints. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Uh. Oh, there's more to her. Here we go. It's not like I'm asking you to keep on talking to people. Yeah, yeah, I have it in front of you. Ha ha.
There we go.
Hey, but the cool thing is, are you stupid?
Are you following the fucking rules?
I mean, are you stupid? I like that. I like that. And that was really cool, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know. Yeah, I was yeah. I was on the old ladies team right first and then I switched. I was like, she's being irrational.
But I feel like the the girl filming who's you can tell is much younger could just let it like just let it go. Yeah. She's like I wanna go this way.
And then the old lady was like, I got something for you and scoffed at her. That's me. And shit has been and I respect it.
Yeah. Good job. Really cool, very cool. I really enjoy the area. Oh, even isolated. Yeah, you knew we would dig that. That was really cool, man. But there are some people who have so much anxiety right now with covid that I saw somebody in the grocery store in a hazmat suit like a full hazmat suit.
Yeah. And you're like, really? If you have this much anxiety, stay home.
Just do yourself a favor. Don't put yourself through this and insert a card. That way you don't have to wear the hazmat suit. You know, like if this woman has so much anxiety about going this way and then we just stay home, stay home. Why are you torturing yourself? Even if it's OK to be anxious? We're all anxious and upset.
Yeah, you just stay home and just work on flossing.
And one minute think of yourself an aggressive flossing technique, of course. Rip it up, rip those gums up into a bloody frenzy. Stay home. Three, six, five three six five.
Yeah. It's pretty good do you take a full minute to even floss? I don't even think you normally do take a full minute. I just go to do it fast, though.
Yeah, I mean, not that fast. So fast.
I just do it kind of fast, but I wish I could have be such a bad floss.
That was terrible.
His whole thing was like it was done really quickly and he's like, see, you can do this too bad.
I mean, yeah. No he hey when you. Oh boy. When you were broke up did you ever scoop the deodorant out of the plastic.
You know how like it gets down to the bottom and you're like and you're making the deodorant, the plastic against your armpit broke.
But you said that last week. I yeah.
Have you ever scooped out the deodorant, the remnants and then mash the remnants?
I'm sure so, yes, I. It is a thing where, you know, it's like, hey, let's get another there's another outlet, me get another phone.
Yeah, I've had deodorant where I'm like, God, I make this last another week. And then also I'm in a storm like, oh, they have deodorant. I just buy a few more.
Just keep keep pushing plastic against my own. There's got to be a little left in here.
Get me through the state. The fuck am I doing. Yeah. Bleeding down my armpits. Scratching. I'm open. I know I've done this thing.
I mean you're like oh I can buy like three of these at once too. I can afford like three deodorants, toothpaste.
I'm thinking like, oh, what makes me crazy?
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
The worst is when you done that and you open a drawer and there's like four toothpaste, you know, in there and you like the squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
I do that in the shower because I keep forgetting to replenish the shower toothpaste.
I'll be like, oh God, there's just a little more xylitol in there. Just a little bit.
It hurts your fingers. Oh, this you're going to like, oh, you're ready. Oh, I'm not going be, you know.
What's up with Josh and Joe Biden signing all these executive orders, Rogers has nothing to do with covid-19, but it was implied if he got elected, what your private D.C. New York social circle was implying would be the American people know that if he ran, he didn't run on Aitaroun.
Cohen, not hate Donald Trump, run on the other crap, the same law. Like I hate to break it to you. 60 percent of the American population is white in New York, D.C., L.A., Chicago. You guys don't go to the food. That's why there is an electoral college where her vote in those states start going know we're not going to feed you anymore. You guys don't create it's imply that's where you guys are heading. He's Halcro.
Hey. So we are all very stressed out about this. Wow. You're going to be seeing a lot more of that guy. I mean, he's so creative, like he's got the opening clip, which was two very attractive women that appeared to be making love to each other.
Yeah, kissing, which was it's a real attention grabber.
And he knows how to get your attention, gets your attention, and then he gives you lots of news and information about substance.
Yeah. With his opinion. And then it ends with Taylor Swift.
Well, he's got a celebrity, a major celebrity endorsing and just really cool and in the background. So she gave her image to him in the background, too, which is like, well, we should say that we think.
Yeah, we think he did, he did, yeah, it's good it is good to have a front and back end kind of bumpers bumper for your rants.
Well, it's like in stand up, you strong open.
Get him out of the gate. Big closer. Yeah. And celebrity endorser. It's huge. Taylor Swift is on board. Very hot video.
I think it was like it was almost like a hot news story is like it started hot. Then I got all my fill of news and then it ended hot. Yeah. Yeah.
And that's kind of I feel like CNN, Fox News, MSNBC should maybe take a little hint from somebody who's the game. Most definitely.
Imagine if you see like a Bukovsky shot and then you're like earlier today in Moscow and then, you know, it's just like right into the news. I think Fox News did use that.
Maybe we'll do that on the next why in my life. Oh, that's a great idea.
We can really try the experiment and send a cut to CNN and FOX and MSNBC and then we'll be like, hey, this works.
How much would you prefer it if Anderson Cooper like, OK, it's like CNN and then it just zooms in and he's standing at his desk and all you see is him. Jayann is dead.
And then he finishes and then he sits down. He's like, ha!
Today in Russia, Putin did it and he would go on with the news like that when that be cooler.
Yeah, I'd like that. I sound pretty cool to watch him masturbate and then deliver the news. Yeah.
Yeah. Or or better yet he goes, I'm going to tell you the news and then at the end I'm going to masturbate. Some people be hanging on for that and that's maybe the right move.
It's like what Aaron Carter did.
You just got to weather. We're almost done. Yeah.
And Carter did that where he's like, I'm going to masturbate. But first you have to listen to my music. And he did. And he did. And then he jerked off. It was like, oh, that's a good move paywall.
That's a good move for your for your to get your new music out there.
That's what I'm going to do with my next hour. I mean, I'll be like a man in my hour stand up and then Tom is going to come and masturbate.
Um, I feel like you should ask me about that first. I feel like you should be like I'm going to do my hour and then I'm going to flick my being up here on stage. Nobody wants to see that. They'd much rather see you masturbate. Nope.
There's no big finish with the woman. Oh, there is. You've got the big closer. Just different, you know.
Yeah. Do it. Oh, fuck. Stupid.
So stupid. Every girl that I ever made love to did that. No. Oh my God. Oh that. Yeah. She's. Show me you like me.
Show me that you like me. Show me what you mean. How do you show a girl you like her. Everybody knows that I got here, like, you know, like like he likes me to. That's listen, I know I know how to do it.
Five three six five oh oh, fuck, that's all women.
Oh, you know, I was thinking about the other day who. And it wasn't until I was a little tall and he said, you have to when you have three in you, that I was like, oh my God, this is actually happening a part of my fault.
I'm proud of myself. Yeah.
That was one of the most iconic clips we've ever had on this show, came on our podcast.
I know she was really she came to our house. I know I saw Dow Jones and I came to our house.
We walked our dog with her. Yeah. After we were done recording. And we're like, oh, we'll take a leaf out of her.
Teeny tiny. She was so small. And then she just got in a Cadillac. I can say it now. It's been a long time. Tell me about that. Talk about cars. Yeah. She was really sweet, sweet girl and said that that everybody we've met in that business. Very nice. The best, uh, here.
So professional like they show up, they're like, OK, where do I go? What do I do? Christy Mack did the the one with me for the New Year. She was great too. It's great. I've seen, you know, professional means. I mean. Yeah, um, yeah. Owen Gray called in for that one before. So nice. Yeah. Everybody's been really nice. Good people.
Yeah. I wasn't until I was a little tall.
All right. Um, we should wrap it up. You have to. And you and I are a lot of fun today. That's three in her bag, by the way, right?
No, no, no. What. One in her badge. One on her, but, you know, one and then like two in the badge, one in the butt. You know, they're moving to two in the vagina, one in the butt.
Right. And then sometimes it was one in the mouth, one of the badge, one of the butt, you know, rotating.
But she said she was proud of herself, that she could take that many. Yeah. Dicks down there.
It was just stretching the whole giant. Not just that the whole ordeal. Right.
She could handle that. Yeah. She was like, you have to and you and he was like, wow. She was like, I'm proud of myself. Potami thought that I could do that. And because he brought that up and it is such an iconic moment, we can bring out an old classic jam. Oh, that holy shit. This song will be seven years old.
No, this song was made by Ghost Crew. Oh, Ghost Crew. Um, yeah. And it'll be seven years old soon.
Wow. It feels like yesterday. That is wild. Sounds like a ghost crew made this for us. It's the Jules is the name of the song. Thank you guys for watching and listening. Uh, quick reminder that you can still go to live stream that. Why major studios dot com if you want to watch the super show and if you that's the special to Bears' Winesap live event. Bunch of new stuff in the store stored up by major studios.
Dotcom, the hat is reordered coming back in April and we're on the road. So Christina online Dotcom Thompson, guru.com. You want to see us on the road. I think that's all of it. Appreciate it. Here is the song honestly.
And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene. That wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have to win you or you have three and you that like, it actually kind of sucks. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is actually happening. My. De de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de.
Honestly, and this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene, and it wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have to in you or you have three in you, as I like it actually kind of collects.
And I'm like, oh, my God, this Snapchat, honestly.